America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 2
Previously on America's Next Top Model: 20 semi-finalists were whittled into 10 finalists. Elyse began her campaign to become my new best friend. The Christian Coven looked down on everyone else, because if there's one group that has true moral superiority, it's reality-show-model wannabes. Oh, and some boring chick named Tessa was eliminated. Yawn.
New York. Shannon talks about being in the bottom two of the elimination last week, and shows off pictures of her family, which everyone admires. Ebony, in particular, compliments Shannon's relatives, then interviews about how well everyone's fitting in. Uh, oh. That doesn't bode well. Geez, Ebony, why not just say "What can possibly go wrong?" or "Nothing can stop me now!" while you're at it? Elyse interviews that she doesn't like hanging around the other girls at all because they're all high-energy all the time, gossiping and cackling like hens. You guys, if I were a woman? I'd be Elyse. But fatter. And I wouldn't go on a show like this. So really, not like Elyse at all. Oh, well.
The next morning, the girls barely stir themselves out of bed to get some Tyra Mail. They are so not morning people, so they get a point for that. Stupid mornings. The mail tells them to be ready at 11:30. Ebony interviews about how competitive she's going to be and how she came here to win. You know, like every reality show contestant ever. She strikes a series of weird poses in front of a mirror. Seriously, she's, like, doing the robot. The Christian Coven is reading their bibles at the table. Robin reads a passage about "foolish is the man who says there is no God", and decides to show it to Elyse and ask her what she thinks of it, pretty much openly calling her a moron. Robin represents everything that's wrong with organized religion. Spirituality is supposed to be about common ground. About treating people with respect. People like Robin who use God as incontrovertible backup so that they can act superior to those who don't agree with them are revolting. She's the reason that when people introduce themselves as a "committed Christian", I'm immediately suspicious of them, and that's just sad.
The girls meet Tyra at a warehouse-type place where a runway is setup. Tyra is wearing what appears to be a poof of ostrich feathers on one of her shoulders. The hell? She demonstrates bad runway walks, and then introduces the girls to Miss J. Yay! Miss J asks to see their walks. Nicole's first. Who? She's so bland that I forget she exists when she's not on screen. Miss J thinks Robin is kind of heavy. Sigh. Adrianne learns quickly. Shannon has a "commercial" walk, whatever the hell that means. Giselle's dancing training gives her some bad habits that will be tough to break out of (which, not...Naima was a dancer and never had any problems on runways). Kesse is too tense. Ebony is too intense. Katie swishes down the runway like the harlot she is. She interviews about how wonderful and natural she is, but Miss J feels her walk needs work. Hah! He loves Elyse, but I hate her walk. She's clomping down the runway like a damn moose. A really skinny moose.
Miss J demonstrates how to work the runway in a short, black skirt. All of the girls are delighted with his display, even Robin. Doesn't she know that gay men are evil? Guess she'll be getting some extra time in purgatory for that. Miss J asks the girls what they want to do after they model. Giselle wants to be an actress. At this point, I paused the episode to write down "Giselle wants to be an actress", and when I looked back up at the screen, it was frozen on Miss J giving the camera the most awesome look in the world, basically: "yeah, you'll be an actress the day I'm made starting defensive tackle for the New York Jets". Ebony thinks she may want to be a comedian. Hmm, I don't know about that. Elyse wants to go to med school. Miss J reminds her that it's a difficult path. If I were Elyse, I would have said "Really? Oh. Well, then forget it." Giselle interviews that she's pissed off that Elyse wants to be a doctor, I guess because she thinks smart girls are supposed to be ugly. After all, if there are smart, pretty girls running around, where does that leave Giselle the Village Idiot?
After the runway demonstration, the girls go out for pizza. For some reason, Robin is behind the counter, tossing the dough. Everyone settles down for a big ol' sausage pizza. Hey, Robin? "The pig is also unclean; although it has a split hoof, it does not chew the cud. You are not to eat their meat or touch their carcasses." (Deuteronomy 14:8) Elyse eats very little, which the other girls note snottily. Back at the loft, the girls practice their runway walks. Elyse is in the confessional, going on and on about how stupid and irrelevant modeling is, and how they should eliminate her. Yeah, it's a real shame they kidnapped her and forced her at gunpoint to apply for this show. Elyse? I love you, but shut up.
The next day, it's time for a runway walk challenge. All of the girls will have three outfits to model, and have to do quick changes in between them, so that she's ready to go when it's her turn again. The winner will get to hang out with Wyclef Jean at his recording studio. Yawn. The girls seem excited about it, though. And they're off! Some of the outfits look really terrific. Elyse in the penguin shirt, Robin in the tiger print, Ebony in a white dress, and Kesse in a red dress look particularly stunning. Shannon's a mess. She looks awful, and wears a shirt buttoned that's supposed to be hanging open because she doesn't want to show too much skin. Good thing she's not trying to break into a career in which you have to wear revealing clothing! A few of the girls are late on their entrances. Robin misses her start because she's busy checking herself in the mirror. "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." (Proverbs 16:18) Elyse's third outfit is a hideous schoolmarm dress in a gross shade of pink. To her credit, she hates it as much as I do. Call me, Elyse! Miss J gives out some critiques, then declares Giselle the winner. Whatever. She's allowed to pick three friends to take with her, and she picks Nicole (who?), Adrianne, and Katie. Ebony is disappointed. Back at the loft, Elyse interviews about how intellectually superior she feels to the other girls, which, I would feel like that too, but I wouldn't make myself look like an asshole by saying so. She completely flips out, a string of bleeped words streaming from her mouth as she tears her fellow competitors to shreds. You can totally tell that she called Giselle a cunt. Wow.
That evening, soon after the challenge winners leave for their whirlwind trip to a boring-ass recording studio, the girls discover some Tyra Mail. Elyse starts to read it aloud, and Shannon rudely interrupts her. Elyse pauses, and doesn't even look up, leaving the air heavy with an unmistakable, yet silent "SHUT THE FUCK UP". Shannon apologizes, and when Elyse starts to reread the mail, interrupts her again. The mail says that there will be a photo shoot for Stuff magazine the next day, and the girls will have to be ready at 7:30 AM. There's some talk about whether they should try to catch the challenge winners to tell them about the mail or not, and Robin does the decent thing and runs down to tell them. Congrats, challenge winners! You'll get no sleep! The winners go to the recording studio, and it's totally wild! Wow, I could party there all zzzzzzzzzzzz..............
The Christian Coven is a bit upset that the photos in Stuff magazine are a bit slutty. Ebony practices her runway walk in the hallway. When the girls get back, Ebony gets all confrontational with Adrianne about how she wasn't going to tell them (the challenge winners) about the Tyra Mail, because she's so competitive. Huh? That makes no sense. 1) There's no reason to get all snitty at Adrianne, even if she is kind of a loser. 2) It's just coming off as sour grapes for not winning the challenge. 3) I'm fairly certain not telling the girls about an upcoming challenge must be against some rule or other. 4) And obviously, someone is going to tell them about the challenge, or they'll find out when everyone wakes up in the morning. 5) Why even bring this up now at all? Robin already told them about the photo shoot, so what is Ebony hoping to accomplish by bragging about how she was going to keep it to herself? 6) Being competitve means wanting to do well by the competition's rules, not scheming your way around them. Her plan is basically like trying to win a baseball game by giving the opposing team bad directions to the stadium. Shut up, Ebony.
Morning. Robin proceeds to piss away any goodwill I felt towards her by getting the group together to smarmily insult Ebony for not wanting to share the challenge details. She crows about how she's a good competitor and Ebony's a bad one. This is what I mean about "committed Christians". A good person would have told the challenge winners about the photo shoot, and left it at that, rather than trying to make herself seem righteous by causing a public snit. "The arrogant one will stumble and fall and no one will help her up; I will kindle a fire in her towns that will consume all who are around her." (Jeremiah 50:32) I mean, basically she's right about Ebony, but she's being such an insufferable jerk that it kind of wipes out Ebony's transgression with her own. Everyone gets into a huge screaming match about who's good and who's bad and everyone's right and everyone's wrong and shut up. Suddenly, everyone's holding hands in a big circle, with Robin leading them in a prayer about keeping them from yelling at each other. Er...ok. Elyse and Ebony are not thrilled with the prayer, but then why do it? If you're such a militant atheist, say "Prayer, schmayer. I'm getting some cantaloupe," and be done with it.
Photo shoot. Tyra introduces the photographer, Barry Hollywood (snerk), and says that she'll be photographed first. The girls are a bit nervous about following her up, but they get started soonafter. Katie's up first, and talks about how she's done a photo shoot for Playboy. I am shocked. Next you'll tell me professional wrestling is fake. Adrianne is praised highly, but I really don't see why. Even after Elyse's bra is stuffed, she's still flat as a pancake, and Barry thinks she looks androgynous, which I have to kind of agree with. Robin is not thrilled with the skimpy bathing suit, but looks freaking awesome. I love her necklace. Nicole. Who? Ebony is "modern". Shannon is "great". Giselle is "present". Thanks for all those insightful critiques, Hollywood (snerk). Kesse looks OK, but is a bit stiff and self-conscious, and it shows. After the shoot, the girls learn that someone will be eliminated the next day. Elyse interviews that she takes the competition more seriously than she lets on. Either Elyse has that condition from Memento and doesn't remember talking about how "vapid" and "irrelevant" this all is, or a producer threatened her, all "Look, sister. You'd better pretend to think this competition is the coolest thing since mini corn muffins. We're trying to whip up some suspense, here."
Morning. The girls are all jittery. Giselle says she'll be "pissed off" if she's eliminated. You may not have noticed, but a lot of things piss Giselle off. Judging. Tyra has a weird milkmaid bun in her hair. The girls will be judged on their walk and their photos. Let's say hello to the judges. Janice needs no introduction. Beau Quillian is the fashion editor at Marie Claire. He's ugly, needs to shave, and is wearing a white undershirt with an open-collared blue shirt and an off-white sweater vest. Yep, he's totally who I'd look for in a fashion editor. Kimora Lee Simmons is almost as addicted to lip gloss as Keenyah was. Miss J is the guest judge. Let's get to the walks.
Robin does fine. There's some talk about when and how to take off the jacket, but her photo looks terrific. Nicole. Who? Giselle is competent, but unmemorable. Shannon walks down the runway with a slack jaw and looks hideous. Miss J tells her it looks like she's trying to catch flies with her mouth. Hah! Adrianne has a weird, slithery walk, but the judges like her photo. Ebony does fine, and the judges love her photo. She does look good, though I think she can do better. Everyone thinks Elyse has the best walk, and her photo turns out much better than I thought it would. Katie is a big whore, and it shows in both the walk and the photo. Kesse does not have a very good walk. Janice gives her a very fair, unemotional critique, and Kesse bursts into tears. Pull it together, woman. This is the nicest I've ever seen Janice, so you'd better get a spine, stat. The photo's OK, but I don't like her hairstyle. The judges think she kind of looks like Tyra.
Deliberations. The judges basically just repeat all the same criticisms. Time to find out who's going home. Shannon is safe. Boo! Nicole. Who? Giselle. Robin. Adrianne. Ebony. Elyse. Would Kesse and Katie please step forward? This is weird. Those two barely had any screen time this week, which usually means they're safe. I guess giving more time to the relatively normal Kesse would have taken time away from the Robin/Ebony fight. And.....Kesse is safe, and Katie is eliminated. She is not upset, promising in voiceover that we'll see her on the cover of magazines someday. Yeah, maybe Juggs. Reach for the stars, Katie. And try not to pass around too many crabs.
"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers. Ebony is upset because they somehow "ruin" her shaved head. How do you even do that? The girls pose with snakes. And...ew. The first appearance of Orange Jay. Fuck.
Overall Grade: C
