Swamp People

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 1

It's a real bummer that Top Chef didn't have a ninth or tenth season that I could write about - I guess they just vanished into the ether. Nah, I'm just funning you. I actually did watch Season 9, but sure am glad I didn't have the time to devote any internet ink to it. Texas was a pretty terrible season. Barbecue challenge after barbecue challenge after barbecue challenge! And what was that bullshit about making contestants do shit like snow-ski or whatever-the-fuck?

It was bad enough that I actually did wind up skipping Season 10. It's kind of a shame, because I've heard Seattle has an amazing food culture, and just by happenstance, I wound up eating at a contestant's restaurant for the first time ever. His name is Sheldon, and I know nothing about him other than he got pretty far in the competition, he has a restaurant in Hawaii (Star Noodle), and that restaurant is delightful. Highly recommended!

Which brings us to Season 11, which I'm approaching with cautious optimism. The prizes are mostly the same, except the jackpot is now $125,000. New Orleans is a good choice for setting - they love their food, and more importantly, they have a diverse population - thus, diverse cuisine. One thing I did NOT miss about Bravo shows is the incredible amount of bloat. And not just by having nineteen contestants, though that is far too many. No, now the game is gummed up by Last Chance Kitchen and Padma's Picks and some incredibly intrusive viewer's vote thing that takes up a third of the screen. "Which protein won't be coming near your dinner table? 35% of the losers who vote in these things said turtle! Tee-hee!" God, shut up. I won't be engaging with any of that. The good news is that Top Chef is still able to snag my interest by focusing on interesting food, and with any luck, interesting people. So let's brave the Louisiana bayou and dive into some good ol' Creole cuisine. It'll make you hungry, I guar-ON-tee! I'm sorry, I'm not proud of that. I promise I'll never do it again.

As I said, there are 19 contestants, and I'm afraid I don't have the three hours necessary to describe all of them. Hell, the show doesn't even bother to focus on more than a handful. So let's just hit the highlights. Sara's main characteristic is a rockabilly, Rosie-the-Riveter kind of style, which suits her nicely. Shirley is a motormouth, and seems pretty awesome. Nina's dad was Prime Minister of St. Lucia. Cool! Carrie is cute as a button and very nervous, which makes me think she's cannon fodder. Janine is Australian and wants to prove that hot blondes can be talented chefs, and aren't just eye candy. She goes on to prove this by wearing sandals and cutoff shorts for the first challenge. Shatter that glass ceiling, ma'am! I can feel my respect for your professionalism skyrocketing! The other designated hottie is Jason, who seems to have focused all of his time on developing a sick set of abs and a rockin' haircut, and forgot to develop a personality beyond the douchebag level. Oh, well. There are only so many hours in the day, right?

There is no Quickfire this week, so we spring straight into the Elimination Challenge. The chefs are randomly tossed beads that have one of three plastic animal figures on them. Those animals represent the proteins the chefs have to base their dishes around: Alligator, frog legs, or turtle. I've had the first two, which weren't bad. I'm reluctant to try turtle, because they're one of those animals that humans tend to bond with emotionally, and it feels kind of disloyal to eat them. Of course, pigs fit that role too, so I probably don't know what I'm talking about. Bring on the turtle soup! A lot of the chefs haven't tried any of these meats, either, which I found surprising. If I can eat alligator in the middle of the country, a New York chef should probably be able to get her hands on a plate of it, for cripes sake.

Boring shopping segment. Boring prep segment, except it's fun to see the first-challenge jitters. People cut themselves and fall down, and generally are just spazzing all over the place. Tom (I think I'll drop the Ptom moniker - I've mellowed on him a bit...FOR NOW) drops by to Timewaste - it's all very familiar and comforting. The chefs will be presenting their food at a party by the literal edge of the swamp. Guests will be wearing beads, and will present them to the chef who has their favorite dish. So, the three chefs with the most beads will automatically go to Winners' Circle, while the three with the least number of beads will be up for the chop. I rather like having this kind of challenge right out of the gate, because the base talent level is always so hard to judge after one dish. It's better to have the field narrowed by the Wisdom of Crowds for now.

There's a ridiculous segment where the chefs arrive at the swamp to discover that they have to set up the prep tables and burners themselves. Were we supposed to derive some suspense or drama out of watching people wrestle with extendable table legs? Thankfully, it's short, and the chefs do some final prep work before the guests arrive. You can tell a challenge is good when I wish I were attending the party the food is being served at. Although I could probably do without the swarms of mosquitos and punishing humidity, so never mind. Food is served, guests are charmed, and beads are presented. Back at the fret 'n sweat, a television screen pops up to show the chefs the judges' deliberations in real time, which is interesting. It takes out the contestant suspense about who will be top and bottom, but adds a layer of tension, since their merits and mistakes are being debated for the whole room to hear. Maybe it's just for this challenge, since the winners and losers are essentially already known, but if it lasts, it'll be an interesting development to follow.

Fun fact about the top three: Each of the three animal proteins is represented. Another fun fact about the top three: This may be the first time ever that the top three in the first challenge is composed entirely of women. Progress! And none of them are wearing hot pants! Isn't that nutty, Janine? Sara made a General Tso (or Tao) alligator, which despite being extremely spicy, appealed to both the guests and judges. Nina had curried turtle meatballs, which look so good, I can't even tell you. And Carrie, who I was so convinced would be a hot mess of nerves, proves me wrong and takes the third top spot with chilled frog legs with zucchini. Nina is the big winner, but doesn't get anything but the obligation to call in the bottom three.

I see (or hear, rather) that Odd Asian Music and Gong are still getting work in this tough economy, which is nice. The bottom three are people I haven't mentioned yet. Aaron attempted to make pasta. In the swamp. It didn't go well, shockingly. Patty at first attempted to make a roulade, which fell apart. She then just tears it apart and presents poorly-tenderized fried alligator. Ramon made a dashi, and in an effort to keep it cold, added a bunch of ice. Guess what happened to the flavors when the ice melted? Patty cries a bit in disappointment with herself (I so want to make a joke about crocodile tears, here), but she needn't worry. The judges realize that she and Aaron couldn't quite fix a bad situation, while Ramon doesn't understand how water works. Ramon gets punted to Last Chance Kitchen, and we go out on a season preview featuring a lot of jazz and bizarre facial hair. Here's hoping it's a good one, guys.

Overall Grade: B