Spam Alert

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 16

Previously on Top Chef: Our time in New Orleans came to an end, but not before Carlos snagged a car, Nicholas snagged a Quickfire win, Shirley snagged an Elimination Challenge win, and Nina snagged... Well, some nice compliments and a spot in the finals. The final four was close, but ultimately, Carlos' lukewarm tamale sent him packing. Three chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

The chefs reunite with the judges (along with guest judge Sam Choy) at a luau in Maui. Sigh. What I wouldn't give to be bobbing in the Hawaiian waves right about now. Seriously, winter. We get it. Before the challenges begin, there's a little business to tend to. As you probably know, all of the eliminated chefs get a crack at returning to the competition by winning Last Chance Kitchen. I don't watch those challenges, though I generally kept up-to-date on who was clinging to the win. I'll have to delve into the "fairness" of LCK sometime; a lot could be said about someone getting to go to the finals by besting someone else in a glorified Quickfire.

In any event, the final two competitors in LCK were Louis and Carlos, and each of them made a dish for the final three to taste and vote on. Thankfully, it was a blind tasting, so we don't have to worry about any personality conflicts entering into the equation. The winner of the challenge, and the chef returning to the competition is... Louis! That's nice. I've always enjoyed him, though there's definitely a shallow component of that. I'm only human!

Quickfire. It's a deceptively simple one. Since we're in Hawaii, the Quickfire challenge today is to make a dish that incorporates and features Spam. Here's another small confession: I've never tasted Spam in my entire life. I keep meaning to buy some just to see what it's like, but keep forgetting or procrastinating. I've heard it's not too bad, so I'm not sure why I haven't followed through. I'll put it on my list of Food Resolutions. Immunity obviously is no longer up for grabs (or perhaps not-so-obviously, given how long they held onto it this season), but the winner does get a big ol' check for $10,000. There's incentive for you. Ready? Go!

Louis makes a torchon, and is under siege by the guests at the luau, who annoyingly pepper him with questions while he's trying to cook. Back off, bitches! Although, really...I can't blame them. Nina doesn't have to worry about groupies, and sets about making Spam croquettes with breadfruit, which is a wise incorporation of island ingredients. Shirley is making a sort of deconstructed musubi to approximate the fried rice dish she makes for her husband all the time. Nicholas, who has been criticized over and over for underseasoning his food, promises to aggressively salt his Spam broth with pancetta and ponzu.

When the dust settles, all four dishes are praised, though Louis could have featured the Spam flavor better, and Nicholas ONCE AGAIN has a seasoning issue. I'm thinking it's genetic at this point. He just has heightened salt receptors, which cause him to underseason everything. That or he's just terrible at this aspect of cooking, but that's cool. Who cares about seasoning level in their food? I'm being snarky because Nicholas actually wins the challenge and the money, and flunking Salt 101 should have disqualified him. I can understand people getting eliminated because they couldn't nail a technical aspect of their cooking in this atmosphere of intense competition and brutal time limits. But when someone is told over and over that they can't salt their food properly and sails into the finals? I don't get it.

Elimination Challenge. The judges point out the outrigger canoes that several Hawaiians are paddling to shore. The boats are laden with the ingredients available for the chefs to make a dish of their choosing. These ingredients are "canoe crops", which include the meats, fish, and plants that Polynesian settles sailed to Hawaii long ago. The chefs become markedly less interested in this fascinating history lesson when they're told that this will be a double elimination. Only two chefs will proceed to the final showdown. This leads to a panicked run for the boats, during which Shirley once again face plants. Grace is not her defining quality.

Prep. Nina accidentally butchers Nicholas' fish instead of her own. Where he'd be furious if Carlos had done that, he's mostly just bemused now, since Nina doesn't usually make these kinds of mistakes. They manage to work it out so Nina can go fight with a food processor and Nicholas can go fight with a pressure cooker. During the final stages of the outdoor prep, it begins to rain, which doesn't do wonders for the cooking process. The chefs grimly attempt to protect as much of the food as they can. A portion of Shirley's potatoes gets waterlogged, and has to be thrown out. Damn it. Time runs out, and the chefs present their dishes to the judges.

Louis has grilled opah with sweet potato, burnt onion, coconut, and seaweed, topped with coconut sauce. A lot of island flavors are great, and I ate well in Hawaii, but cripes, did I have to remain ever-vigilant that no coconut seeped into my meals there. Nina has opah as well, and serves it with marinated aromatics and grilled taro root. She also has coconut puree (arrrrrgh!) and a breadfruit chip. Nicholas has made opakapaka fish, with jalapenos and crispy chicken skin. The whole thing is on a pork jus and garnished with seaweed. That sounds delicious, and not just because he avoided coconut. Shirley serves honey-glazed pork, with a sweet potato/tumeric puree. It's garnished with boiled egg, chili, and pickled onion. Yes, please.

Fret 'n sweat. The meal is given general praise, but there are always things to nitpick. Louis' fish were cooked inconsistently. Nicholas' jalapenos may have taken over the flavor of his dish too much. Yeah, that's why I tend to not use them very much. Nina's fish was somewhat over-spiced, and Shirley's pork was way too sweet. These critiques are rehashed when the chefs come out to Judges' Table, and then it's time for the big chop. First, we must have a winner, and that winner is... Nicholas. Man, he has really been resurgent lately. The judges inform him that he'll have an advantage in the final challenge, but we'll leave that for another day. Who will be joining him in the finals? I dearly wish this could be more suspenseful, but we all know already, right? Who's been dominating this competition from Day One? Yes, it's Nina, so we must bid goodbye to Louis and Shirley, both of whom I really like, so this is a tough one.

Both of them are disappointed, of course, but needn't feel bad about sharing the news of their loss with their families, which both of them worry about. I never got a real sense of Louis' style of cooking, but I would eat at a Shirley restaurant in a heartbeat, and not having the winning title doesn't matter to me a bit. She is glad that cooking in these challenges has guided her to finally discovering her individual voice. Louis wishes he could have won for his son, and while the money would have been nice, I'm sure his kid loves his dad nonetheless. So, it's down to Nicholas and Nina! Who will win? Who will lose? Who will tell the producers of this show that I'd be more invested in the outcome if this season hadn't been dragging on for what seems like six years? Find out next week!

Overall Grade: B-