Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 8
Previously on Top Chef: Betty yelled at Marcel for being so selfish that he offered to help her with her shitty dessert. Flash forward to last week, when the chefs had to make breakfast on the beach. The odd conditions elevated Elia, but threw Frank for a loop. So long, Bull! Don't let the door catch your tail on the way out! Eight flour-flingers remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Cellblock. Marcel reminds us that Frank is gone as a gentle smile plays across his face. Heh. Always nice to outlast your enemies. And not to have someone who snores like a Mack truck as a roommate. Elia stretches, while Michael shows off his "physique". Thanks, you can put that away now. Sam tells Cliff that after Frank was eliminated, he grabbed him and wound up breaking Sam's knife bag. That must have been quite a good-bye hug. Sam interviews that he needs to focus and get back on track after sucking so hard in the last challenge. Mia interviews that she's getting homesick, and really misses her family and kids. You can pretty much tell by her face that she is completely over this entire enterprise. Ilan herds everyone out the door.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and bottle after bottle of alcohol, which Betty notes loudly. Padma greets the chefs and wishes them happy holidays. You know, those holidays in the dead of summer when this was filmed. Padma introduces Kristin Woodward, a guest judge that Padma refers to as a "mixologist". I'm mightily tired of people adding "ologist" onto the end of their job titles in order to make themselves sound more impressive. Lady, you're a bartender. Embrace it. Padma tells the chefs that this round's challenges are all about entertaining, this being the "party season". If this is late August, she's right, cause it's around my birthday. Bring it! The Quickfire Challenge this week will be to create an original cocktail (choosing from the wide array of Baileys available) and a small bit of food to go along with it. Cliff says he doesn't really care much for mixing drinks. "I'm a cook," he Harolds. Marcel seems excited to put something together. Mia looks like she wishes someone would shoot her. The chefs only have twenty minutes to put everything together. Go!
Chefs grab dishes and food in a frenzy. Mia says she doesn't drink mixed drinks, so she doesn't really know what to do for the challenge. Ilan doesn't celebrate Christmas, so he starts making balls of paste made out of matzah as a Hanukkah snack. Betty tries to catch an errant lime, but it struggles away from her, and she drops it. There's a metaphor in there somewhere about her and me. Sam thinks he should make something "warm" and "comforting" for the "holiday season". He works on a hot chocolate kind of cocktail. Betty finds this Quickfire challenging, because she thinks the creaminess of Baileys lends itself better to an after-dinner drink, rather than an appetizer. Michael has a strong bartending background, so he's afraid people will make fun of him back home if he can't win this challenge. Because Michael's so great at challenges that incorporate things from his past. Cooking montage. Padma calls time, and she and Kristin go down the line.
Michael has made "tasty lacy", but it's not edible underwear. It's a martini-style drink made from Caramel Baileys, Bushmills, Guinness foam, and has a candied rim (I guess that means melted chocolate and nuts). His food is a cherry ice cream sandwich. Kristin announces that it's very dessert-like. Well, duh. Padma never said it couldn't be. Cliff has mixed original Baileys, rum, vodka, and topped it with some vanilla beans. Vanilla, indeed. His food is grilled beef and a little creme fraiche fondue with some nutmeg and chocolate. Now that sounds good. Kristin says she was hoping someone would do a burger and Baileys shake. It's impossible to tell whether she means that Cliff has met this hope or not. Kristin is really rubbing me the wrong way. Sam has made a drink from Baileys Hot Chocolate, Godiva liqueur, and heavy cream. There are a few huge, puffy marshmallows floating in it, which was a nice touch. His food is egg nog French toast (which sounds disgusting, but I've never been that big a nog fan), topped with apple, rosemary, and onions. Marcel calls his creations "Fire and Smoke". His drink is scotch coffee with Baileys and milk foam, and the food is pancetta, potato, and coffee grinds with vanilla vapor. Weird. Kristin dourly says that she likes the mixture of salty and sweet flavors.
Ilan has made a drink of original Baileys, mixed with egg whites, foamed with Guinness, and topped with scotch. His food is horseradish and beets on matzah, with a pan-fried egg yolk on top. That sounds fairly nasty. At least there's a little latke to go along with it. Mia's "Chocolate Mama" is Mint Chocolate Baileys, Crown Royal, and some orange juice. Her food is grilled mango and Brie on a Danish apple crisp. That drink doesn't sound very good, but the food sounds wonderful. Kristin thinks that Mia's drink presentation is extremely basic. Mia nods her head like, "Whatever, bitch". Elia has made cappuccino with Caramel Baileys, and infused it with ginger. Yum. Her food is a classic petit four, made of chocolate and carmalized nuts. Betty has mixed Parrot Bay coconut rum with heavy cream, lime, sugar, Caramel Baileys, and cinnamon. Take out the coconut, and that sounds good. Her food is scallops marinated in the same rum, with mint, parsley, and cilantro. Kristin points out that the cream and lime juice have combined to form a rather disgusting-looking curdled crust on top of the drink. Ew, yeah. Nobody wants a chunky cocktail. Kristin has to go the extra bitchy mile by supposing that it may taste good, taking a sip, and announcing that it doesn't. Betty is embarrassed.
Padma gathers everyone, and asks Kristin who she was least impressed by. She picks Mia without hesitation, due to her presentation. Huh? I mean, yeah it was overly simple, but picking her as the worst because of that? This loss piles onto Mia's general frustration with the competition. She's going down fast. She seemed to be fine last week, so this dissatisfaction and ennui of hers seems like it's coming from out of nowhere. Betty is chagrined to be in the bottom as well, and interviews that she's really got to prove herself worthy. Now the good news. Cliff's cocktail was delicious. You'll note Kristin never takes Cliff to task for an overly simple drink, which I'll remind you was regular Baileys, regular rum, regular vodka, and some vanilla beans. Fancy! Kristin also loved Sam and Michael's entries. Aw, Michael finally excelled at something! Ilan and Marcel give him uber-heterosexual congratulatory elbow bumps. Padma asks Kristin to pick a winner, and she comes up with Cliff, for whatever reason. Seems like bullshit to me, but it's not as if I can taste those drinks and food. Never cracking a smile, he shakes Ilan's hand and exchanges uber-heterosexual fist bumps with Michael, Marcel, and Sam. So, Cliff's got immunity, which he doesn't particularly seem to care about.
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells them they'll be drawing knives. Well, sure. Do you guys realize that in eight episodes, the chefs have been broken into teams in half of them? That's...an awful lot for what's supposed to be an individual competition. And as commenter Jared (welcome, by the way) aptly says, team challenges are pretty heavily slanted against the leaders. No matter what goes wrong on the losing team's side, the leader always shoulders the blame. That's not particularly fair, and more to the point, it's not particularly entertaining. So anyway, all the chefs draw knives. The orange team turns out to be Sam, Betty, Marcel, and Ilan. The black team is Cliff, Mia, Michael, and Elia. Padma tells the chefs that the winter holidays are the busiest time of year for the restaurant and catering business. The Elimination Challenge this week will be to cater a Christmas party for a Los Angeles magazine. That holds their Christmas party in the summer. Yeah, this isn't a totally fake party set up by the show at all. The teams will get $1500 to shop for food and equipment, and four hours to prepare their food in the Kitchen. The chefs will also have to decide how to display their food. They'll be judged on taste, originality, leadership (see?), and "wow" factor. And naturally, someone on the losing team is being sent home.
Betty is justifiably worried because she actually caters in Los Angeles. If she comes off looking bad in this challenge, it can legitimately have an ill effect on her business. Ilan decides, without asking for any input from anyone else, that Sam will be the leader of the orange team. Everyone agrees, though Marcel seems a bit hesitant. Sam's first act as leader is to tell Betty and Marcel that they'll have to get over hating each other for now. He interviews that he's pretty comfortable in a leadership position, and the orange team starts discussing what they'll serve for the party. They soon have a long list of ideas. Betty interviews that it's very important to have great food and a large selection for a Los Angeles party. Because we in the rest of the country are just happy with a trough of cocktail weenies. The orange team easily settles on a menu. Since we can't overdo it on adults able to have a rational conversation without letting their egos draw them into childish spats, let's check in with the black team! Sigh.
Elia seems to suggest doing two dishes, preferring quality over quantity. Mia points out that if they only do two things, those things better "fucking kick ass". First idea for the kick ass menu is a smoked salmon roll. You'll find no greater champion for smoked salmon than I, but that doesn't sound very impressive at all. Elia also thinks about making gazpacho. For a party where the guests aren't seated? How are they supposed to eat it? Mia suggests using Gorgonzola cheese, which Elia and Cliff disagree with, because it's apparently one of those really divisive cheeses that some people loathe. Mia interviews that three of the four people on the black team are natural-born leaders (read: bossy). I'm not going to go into a huge rant about how good leadership is about a lot more than forcing your ideas upon others. She does make the very valid point that she runs a catering business, and thus has valuable insight into the challenge. She offers some other suggestion about chicken skewers, which Cliff doesn't even really listen to before quickly shooting it down. Dude, let the woman talk. So cold lobster and cold salmon are now the only ideas on the table. There's a heavily edited back and forth, meant to suggest that Mia objected to only serving an array of cold seafood, and Elia arguing that the dishes are locked in (implying that she won't brook any disagreement). You'll note that they don't show Mia and Elia saying this. It's just the soundbites, and I'm extremely doubtful that those lines went down in that order as an actual conversation. Now back in the real world, Mia tells the others that she feels like her "professional experience is not being appreciated", which was a nicer way of saying "Shut the fuck up and listen to me". Elia responds that they respect her, but are trying to come to a consensus on the menu. Both fair points. Mia again tries to suggest something, and Cliff again interrupts, not listening to a word of it. Cliff. SHUT UP.
Commercials. Oh, BRAVO. A Clay Aiken Christmas? I wasn't aware your programming was available in the fourth circle of Hell.
Time to go shopping! The chefs have an hour to get their supplies. In a warehouse store, Michael and Mia pick up food for the black team, while Betty and Sam load up the cart for the orange team. Meanwhile, at the grocery store, Marcel and Ilan are buying seafood. The clerk offers to put some mussels in a plastic bag, which Marcel tells him not to do, because they'll suffocate. The clerk says he'll wrap them in paper instead, which Ilan and Marcel are fine with. Ilan prods Marcel for being a dick to the clerk, which he really wasn't. He did sound a tad snotty, but I don't think he was trying to condescendingly educate the clerk (ala Stephen); he just didn't want the clerk to be thinking "What the hell's wrong with plastic?" to himself. Marcel interviews that although it's a team challenge, you have to do something to show individual strength. He calls Sam and asks if it's OK for him to go solo on some creation involving endives. Sam's like "Whatever".
Cliff and Elia are shopping together, and agree that something's wrong with their lobster appetizer idea. I'm not really sure what. Elia says something about it not being "high-end" enough, which makes no sense. Anyway, the point is that Cliff calls Mia and Michael and tells them that the lobster idea is no more; they're changing the menu. He doesn't say why. He doesn't ask for feedback or suggestions for a replacement appetizer. He just delivers the news like he's fucking Moses bringing the commandments down to the people. Three guesses how much that soothes Mia's anger over having no creative input in this team. She tells Cliff she's not happy with changing ideas mid-stream with no discussion, which Cliff patronizingly interviews is Mia "wanting to fight about everything". Yeah, how dare she ask to be a contributing member to the team? Cliff. SHUT UP. Mia interviews that Cliff is stubborn, and that everyone has to do what he wants, whether they like it or not. I'm confused why Cliff is so bent on getting his way in this challenge. If he truly believes Mia's ideas are worthless, why fight her on it? He's got immunity. It's not like she can drag him down with her. Michael makes pretty much the same point, and decides to buy the lobster tails anyway, just in case. The chefs at the warehouse store check out. Betty and Sam have two full flats (those large dollies) of food, while Mia and Michael only have about one half-full one. Betty is curious about what the black team will be serving with so few ingredients. Mia interviews something similar to Betty's earlier point. She caters for a living, so the last thing she wants is to lose the challenge, and have people think that she's "not professional", and that she's a caterer that "doesn't know where her head is at".
Kitchen. Everyone streams back in for their four hours of prep time. The orange team is the very picture of organization as they divide up tasks. They've got a ton of food to prepare. Their menu includes: crab cakes, shrimp skewers, pickled mussels, calamari with dip, bread pudding, beef tenderloin with blue cheese, cauliflower a la plancha (I think that means grilled), croquetas, salmon mousse, confit of pork, mushroom tart, vegetable terrine, and a chorizo and egg tostada. Wow! Props to them for pulling all those ideas and ingredients together in such a short time. Mia interviews that the black team decided that Elia would head the team. They're deciding this now? No wonder they fought so much before. Waiting to pick a leader until after the menu is decided upon and the food is bought is pretty damn pointless. Man, this is shaping up to be another episode in which one team is so clearly superior, that all the suspense is sucked right out.
The black team's menu is a surf and turf canape (which is only being made because Michael chose to buy the ingredients for it, even after Cliff and Elia nixed the lobster idea), seared scallops with endive, smoked salmon with avocado mousse, and strawberries with mascarpone and pancetta. Did I read those links incorrectly, or are they really throwing dried pork into their dessert? Also, where on Earth did that $1500 go? Ilan disdains the other team having so few dishes for a large party, saying that a large crowd will have differing palates. True. If someone doesn't like seafood, all they're going to be able to eat on the black team's table is that odd dessert. Mia pleads with her team to make some extra food in case they run out. She's really disappointed in the team, saying she's not getting the level of camaraderie she's used to. When I first watched this episode, I found Mia unpleasantly whiny (and there's certainly going to be much to discuss later), but now that I'm seeing this again, I feel for her. Time runs out.
The chefs arrive at the totally fake Christmas bash, which is nicely decorated with Christmas trees, ribbon, and fake snow. There are eight hours until the party, so it looks like the chefs are getting a lot more prep time than usual. There are mobile kitchens set up for each team, which they seem to like, but look crowded and uncomfortable to me. Elia and Cliff are looking forward to the party, thinking they'll do well. Sam is worried not only about winning the challenge or the competition, but looking like a complete ass in front of the party guests. He suggests that his team work on getting their stuff ready one thing at a time. The orange team goes back into functional organizational hyperdrive. I love it. The black team plods along slowly, not having as much to do. Mia thinks the high-end nature of their ingredients will make up for such a lack of choices. Ptom stops by to check in. The orange team is doing great. They not only have a large variety of food, but there will be a large enough amount of each dish so that they won't run out quickly. Ptom is obviously not thrilled with the black team's lack of dishes. He ascertains that Elia is the team leader, so he'll be able to eviscerate her later. Cliff interviews that he's not letting Ptom's comments deter them, but the black team looks pretty shaken. Elia interviews that she doesn't like comparing herself to others. Once she makes a decision, she's not going to change it because someone else is doing it differently. Marcel is fairly confident, but worries that the other team's simplicity could work in their favor.
Commercials. Mastercard thinks a cheese and cracker platter costs $30? Not overpaying for simple appetizers: priceless.
With twenty minutes until the party, Padma brings over the rest of the judges. Ptom is there, of course, but Ted Allen is standing in for Gail this week. And there's a guest judge, who is thankfully not Kristin. It's someone with actual credentials, which is nice. His name is Lee Hefter, and he's an executive chef in a Beverly Hills restaurant. I bet he'd charge $30 for a cheese and cracker platter. Just for posterity's sake, Padma's dress is a very odd combination of black and mustard yellow, and has spangles or polka dots on the bottom. Weird. Has Lupe been dressing her? Time runs down, and the chefs set their tables up. Ilan is confident on the orange team's behalf. Mia says that her group went into the challenge as a team. Huh? Whatever. The party gets going. Sam tells Marcel and Betty that he'll check in with them in fifteen minutes to see if anything needs replenishing. He interviews that he and Ilan will stick to the kitchen, while Betty and Marcel serve. Betty works the crowd, as always. Marcel flirts with a blonde lady, and we learn that the orange team is serving half their dishes now, then will re-set with the other half, forming an entirely different menu. Good idea.
Meanwhile, Mia and Michael are serving for the black team, while Elia and Cliff take care of kitchen duties. Various guests are shown enjoying their food. Ironically, we hear for the goddamn third time that the black team prefers to focus on quality, rather than quantity. A random guest interviews that the black team certainly has fancier food. But all is not well in Black Team Land. Their table is essentially empty. Maybe there was a massive rush of guests, but in the shot they show, there is almost literally not a single scrap of food on the table, and Mia is having to explain to a guest that it'll be right out. The guest is kind of a dick about it. Elia interviews that she wanted to cook during the event, rather than in advance. Jiggety huh? I understand that their food would no doubt taste better that way, but that is an extremely foolish idea for a catered event. Michael is trapped into having to run back to the kitchen several times, only to be told that food's not ready. And this is when Ted Allen drops by. Rut roh. Mia interviews that she's going to "stand her ground" out by the guests, and does the best she can to hold down the fort. Elia prepares a tray of scallops to be taken out, and I've got it paused. There are ten on the tray. TEN. Sigh.
The orange team hums along happily. The judges come through the line, and Betty explains some of their dishes. Lee asks who came up with the ideas for the dishes, and Betty says that it was definitely a team effort. She and Marcel effortlessly schmooze the judges. Padma compliments the presentation. And crap, someone in my apartment building is making something for dinner that smells really good. For all the talk that the black team is focusing on high-end food, some of the orange team's things look plenty fancy to me (the beef tenderloin, for example). As Padma said, everything is presented well, and despite the fact that there are thirteen dishes, everything looks well-stocked. Mia presents the judges with the black team's food, except the surf and turf, which has run out. Luckily, Michael is soon back with another tray. While talking to the judges, he manages to neatly insert the fact that he came up with the surf and turf by himself at the store. People party. The orange team celebrates the great job that they've done. The black team has no such joy. Mia interviews that she thinks Elia is a great chef, and has the makings of a great leader as well. Elia hopes that being chosen as the team leader won't bite her in the ass.
Commercials. BRAVO poll. "Who is the sexiest chef?" And the four to choose from are Betty, Elia, Ilan, and Sam. I'm sorry, what? One of these things is not like the other.
Judges' Table. Ted is surprised at how different the two teams' menus came out, given that they had the same resources. Let's get down to the extremely obvious choice of which team to pick as the winner. The orange team had a wide variety of food, presented it beautifully, and kept it stocked. The black team's table was barren, though Lee does pick out their scallops and strawberries as the two best dishes overall. Ptom and Ted say that the orange team's food didn't stand out as much. The judges make a decision. Padma comes back and summons the orange team to the table. They emerge, and are proclaimed the winners. Duh. Their win is as unsurprising to them as it is to the audience. Credit is given to Sam as the leader, and Marcel shoots himself in the foot by announcing that although Sam is great, he (Marcel) doesn't need the guidance. Ted asks him to clarify that, but all that's established is that Marcel can be kind of a douchebag. Lee is asked to announce the challenge winner, and it's Sam, of course. Zzzzz. He wins a set of knives. Sam is happy, but interviews that Marcel was trying to steal his thunder. Which is true, and which I'd be angrier about if Sam didn't have that coming after that whole cheating accusation and turning Frank against him for supposedly disrespecting Frank's toothbrush. Sam plays the whole disappointed dad act in saying that Marcel should just be happy to be on the winning team. Again, it's true, but I don't care for the "Why can't the guy I'm constantly degrading and plotting against be happy for meeeeeeee?" whine. The orange team is dismissed.
The black team emerges. Curiously, there's no gong noise this week. They're informed they're the losing team. Elia is asked where the mistakes were tonight. She says it was a lack of organization at the end. Lee says that the black team didn't present anything that made him think he had to go back for seconds. He did like the scallops, and asks who made them. Elia gets the credit for that one. Lee says that if they had done, say, eight dishes like the scallops, it would have been a more "memorable" approach. Michael is asked what he was in charge of. He says he was the communication between the serving and the kitchen. They're asked why they couldn't keep food on the table, which was pretty much Elia and Cliff's fault from where I'm sitting. Elia says it's because they were cooking everything right there, and that they weren't working fast enough. Mia says that she wanted to do more dishes, and that she suggested six, but was shot down. Timpani of Doom as Cliff makes a face like "What? She never said anything of the kind!". Which makes sense, since Cliff never listened to a single word coming out of Mia's mouth.
Mia continues on into the "I didn't feel like my opinion was being heard" argument, and Cliff actually has the balls to interrupt her to take her to task for throwing Elia under the bus (tally mark!), because the real problem was Mia's complaining. That's right, it wasn't the small amount of food or the fact that Cliff and Elia chose to cook for 200 people on the spot. No, the team failed because Mia objected to letting Cliff steamroll her. Asshole. And again, YOU HAVE IMMUNITY. You're not going anywhere. Why work up the effort to fight about this? Mia defends herself by saying that although she felt like her opinions weren't heard, when she found that she wasn't going to get anywhere, she just went along with the team's decisions. Which is true. She also says that she and Michael were the sole reason the black team even had a surf and turf to serve. The judges say that no matter what the reasoning is, the black team didn't function as a cohesive unit. Which is all Elia's fault, of course. Sigh. Cliff is asked who should go home. Naturally, it's got to be the person who isn't falling all over herself to suck his dick, so he chooses Mia.
And this is the point where Mia snaps. She yells at Cliff that he can't deny that she spoke up for herself. I don't see how that's supposed to sway him, when speaking up for herself is his entire problem with her. This gives Cliff the ammunition he needs with the judges, like "See what a handful she is?". Mia screams that Cliff can go ahead and throw her under the bus (tally mark!), she doesn't give a fuck (and additionally, she doesn't give a "black bone", which I'm not going to even attempt to delve into). She yells that Cliff can put his dick away, because he has fucking immunity. Oof. Mia, remember when you were worried that people would find you unprofessional if you lost the challenge? I'm thinking that losing the challenge is the least of your worries, image-wise. Not that she's not right about all of this, but she's hysterical. Not exactly a quality one looks for in a chef. Elia is asked if she has anything further to say. She simply says that she doesn't want to be eliminated, but takes responsibility for the team's loss. The black team is dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Elia is fairly confident that she's going to be the one to get eliminated. Mia says that Elia shouldn't be the one to go; that Elia has more talent in her little finger than a lot of the chefs have overall. Mia adds that she has a successful business to go back to, and maybe she belongs there.
Deliberations. Elia probably has more passion, knowledge, and talent than Cliff or Michael, but was an unsuccessful leader. I was worried that she'd be unfairly blamed for not being able to wrangle Cliff and Mia's tempers (which Lee unfortunately does bring up), but Ptom does make the fair point that she may have closed herself off to legitimately good ideas from her teammates. Meanwhile, Mia is saying that she'd be willing to go home so that Elia can stay. She says she doesn't care, because she's the only one of her family to ever make anything of herself. I'm sure her family was thrilled to see that on television. Now Mia goes into a long, rambling speech about how she had to sell drugs when she was a kid, and how she knows what it's like to walk the streets. Cliff asks her if she's done being a martyr, and while I completely hate him this episode...seriously. I hate to sound unsympathetic to the trials she's gone through, but what in the world does being her being poor as a kid have to do with ANYTHING? She throws out another "threw me under the bus", and says that Cliff had immunity, and could have just sat back and let her give her ideas. Thank you! Back at the table, Ted duhs that Mia seems to be angrier at Cliff than anyone else. Nice catch, genius. Ptom says that Mia probably didn't fight as hard as she is now for the menu. Ah, another favorite Catch-22 of the judges. If someone fights for their ideas, they're too uncooperative. If they don't fight for their ideas, they're too meek. There's a cursory reference to Michael, but we all know he's not going anywhere this week. The judges make a decision.
Commercials. I can't decide whether I want to watch Top Design or not. I'll probably give it a shot.
The black team comes back out to the table. God knows why Cliff is even out there. Ptom wonders if he would have done more as team leader. I don't really know what that question means, and don't really care. Michael is coasting. Ptom can't believe that Mia really fought for her ideas as hard as she claims to have done. Elia failed as a leader. True to her word, Mia volunteers to go home in place of Elia. Elia tries to stop her, but Mia is so clearly done with this entire show. She's tired and angry and homesick. Ptom says he can't believe that someone as tough as Mia would just give up. I hate to remind Ptom that this is a silly reality show, but come on. It's not like Mia's giving Elia her kidney. Mia brings up her troubled childhood again. Yeah, not a fan of that. It's noble of her to sacrifice her chances for Elia's sake, but Mia should read up on Godwin's Law. Just because she was a homeless drug pusher doesn't make her the winner of every arbitrary argument. The judges accept the deal, and Mia is eliminated. I've since read that Elia was, indeed, the judges' choice to go home, so she really dodged a bullet. Elia hugs Mia and tells her that she didn't have to do that. Mia knows that, but wanted to. The touching hug is somewhat ruined by what appears to be a giant booger in Mia's nose. Mia hopes that Elia has success in the future, and is proud of her own accomplishments in life.
Listen, I get that reality shows have to be packed with drama, and clashing personalities, and blah blah blah. But when the tension of the interpersonal relationships overshadow the point of the entire show, which as you've probably forgotten by this point, is to BE A GOOD CHEF, that's not entertaining. If I wanted to see people fight, I'd watch Springer. Also, the team leader on the winning team automatically won, and the team leader on the losing team (would have) automatically lost. That is extremely fucking boring. Please get back to individual challenges, and please, for the love of all that is good and holy, can we focus on some food?
Overall Grade: D
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The Raw and the Cooked
Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 7
Previously on Top Chef: Betty hoped a woman gets the Top Chef title. Jesus, I've already stopped watching the previews because they give too much away. Do I have to start skipping the previouslies too? Half the chefs won the Quickfire Challenge. The five who lost out had to prepare Thanksgiving dinner (in the middle of summer -- heh). Elia lost her mind for a little while, but found it in a pot of creamy mushroom soup. Frank disparaged Marcel's food, but the scene where he threatened to beat Marcel to a bloody pulp is curiously omitted here. Elia won the challenge, while Carlos' plan to make mediocre food backfired, and he was punted. Nine corn-shuckers remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Cellblock. Elia stretches, and interviews that she has to be sure and think clearly. No letting emotions interfere with her work. I dunno, she let that happen last week, and she won the challenge. Maybe she should go crazy more often. Sam thinks he's got a great shot at winning. He calls himself a "force". Yeah, the force of passive-aggressive whining is pretty powerful. Frank says that he's been on a roll lately, being in the top three in the past four "shots". What the fuck is he talking about? He has yet to win a single Quickfire (excepting last week, when half the chefs won), and he's been in the top three of an Elimination Challenge exactly once. He goes on to say that for the past ten years or so, he's been the best in his field. You'll forgive my skepticism of his great talent, since he just lied (or was grossly mistaken) about his track record on this very show. He closes by saying he'll rely on his abilities to take him "over the top". I'll say.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are taken to the Redondo Beach Farmer's Market, which looks charming. Something bugs me about that apostrophe placement, but I can't say for sure that it's incorrect. Padma meets them, and introduces this week's guest judge, Raphael Lunetta. That sounds like a name from the Harry Potter universe. He's an accomplished chef, and runs a restaurant in Santa Monica. Padma tells the chefs that this week's challenges center around working with limitations. You know, unlike all those other challenges where the chefs are given free reign. The Quickfire Challenge will be to create an entree from ingredients found at the market. The catch is that none of the ingredients can be cooked. The food cannot be heated at any point. Marcel is excited to work with real ingredients, rather than junky snacks or canned food. The chefs are given twenty dollars, and thirty minutes to shop. Then half an hour in the Kitchen to prepare the actual dishes. Go! Food porn ensues. Seriously, those fruits and vegetables look so good. Mia recommends eating raw corn. Really? Is that any good? I'll have to try it sometime. People buy produce and herbs. Michael has no idea what to do. Frank is equally perplexed, but goes for some scallops. Elia gets some tuna.
Back in the Kitchen, people get started. Mia's not nervous in the least. She thinks a nice, hearty salad is the way to go. Frank is making a scallop carpaccio with some radishes and cucumbers. Chopping and tossing ensues. Of the food, that is. Betty is a bit nervous, acknowledging that she hasn't been doing too well lately. Marcel doesn't seem to be a bit worried. Padma enters and gives them a five-minute warning. Michael tries to stack something, and it keeps falling over, because Frank is grating something (besides my nerves), and it's shaking the table. Michael concludes from this that Frank should go home. Um... OK, Michael. Frank should go home for grating food. In a cooking competition. After trying and failing to stack his food again, Michael gets a brainwave and MOVES TO ANOTHER TABLE. Way to crack that mystery, Sherlock. Frank interviews that Michael's a hack, and couldn't cook his way out of a paper bag, unless it had French fries with it. Huh? I guess he was going for a joke there, and couldn't quite pull it together. Betty whirls around the Kitchen in a frenzy. There's a final chopping and plating montage, and time runs out.
Raphael and Padma go down the line. Betty doesn't get a subtitle. Stop making my life difficult, Bravo. I think she said she made a halibut ceviche, and grape guacamole. She pats herself on the back for using more than produce in her dish. Marcel interviews that Betty needs to work on her presentation. Mia has made corn salad with tomatoes, chili, avocado, cucumber, and a creamy lime dressing. Sounds good. But you know me, I'm a sucker for anything that contains lime. Ilan has made a very pretty summer squash with tomato sauce, and an almond and walnut pesto. Raphael calls it a "great little appetizer". Ilan looks peeved. Cliff has prepared a salad with radishes, French beans, cucumber, and bronze fennel, and what's called "tomato butter puree" on the side. It just looks like someone splashed tomato soup on the plate. Elia's made tuna with spinach, onions, sesame, lime, ginger, and garlic. That sounds so, so good. I know. Lime, right? I swear I think the entire thing sounds great. Raphael says it's delicious. Frank presents his scallop carpaccio, saying he's made a lemon vinaigrette for it, and a smoked salmon, radish, cucumber salad with a lemon-honey vinaigrette. It's very well-presented, which Raphael notes. Sam has made a crudo of summer squash and zucchini, with pickled peaches, plums, and grapes. Michael has made a watermelon Napoleon with avocado, cilantro, and salmon jerky. Marcel made a trio of things involving watermelon and tomato, which I wouldn't think mixed well. I'm just going to transcribe the subtitle, because I don't really understand what he's made. Watermelon steak (so...just cut watermelon?), tomato carpaccio (so...just sliced tomato?), nasturtium (I'm assuming pickled watermelon seeds in this case), and a "refresher". Made of what, I don't know. Ilan smarmerviews that Marcel's dish was more of a dessert than an entree. And yours was more of an appetizer, so shut up. I don't know why I'm so weirdly defensive of Marcel these days.
The chefs gather. Padma asks for the three most disappointing dishes. Betty's tasted good, but her presentation was lacking. She's frustrated, though I'll spare you her squeals. Mia didn't use a pretty tomato that she bought. Um... So the fuck what? Whatever. Michael had a good idea, but his execution was off. Frank looks smug. Now for the good news. Elia's dish was concise, but packed a lot of flavor. Frank made a tasty dish and had good presentation. Marcel's watermelon presentation was beautiful. And now the winner of the Quickfire. Marcel. Whee! Ilan looks peeved again. Suck it, sucka! Marcel interviews that it's his first win, and he was proud of his dish, saying that it couldn't have been any more soigne. Ew. See, every time I try to actively like Marcel, he has to say something pretentious and snotty. Ilan is a typically sore loser, saying Marcel thinks more about cooking methods than the actual food (probably true), and that all he made was a "hunk of watermelon". So Marcel has immunity in the Elimination Challenge, which is coming up right after this dinner break.
*Buuuuurp* OK. Elimination Challenge. Padma (who I forgot to mention looks very pretty in this scene, with a simple pink top and dark green skirt) tells the chefs that sometimes breakfast is overlooked as serious food. The challenge will be to make a tasty and satisfying breakfast. Mia calls herself the Queen of Breakfast. Hasn't she also called herself the Queen of Barbecue? Pick a kingdom, Mia. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be cooking for a group of athletes after their morning practice, though the fact that she doesn't say what sport/activity the athletes participate in should ping everyone's radar. Something twisty this way comes. The chefs will have thirty dollars and thirty minutes to shop. Tomorrow morning, the chefs will rise at an ungodly hour, and go cook for the athletes "where they train". She also says that there will be a cooking limitation, but the chefs won't know what that limitation is until they get there. Hey, maybe they'll get pelted by tomatoes! That'd be sweet. The chefs are understandably nervous. Cliff says he's scared shitless.
Commercials. Women, take a break from your hectic lives...and go Christmas shopping. Because that's not stressful at all.
Grocery store. Betty recaps the challenge, or at least what the chefs know of it. Cliff offers some guesses as to what sport the athletes play. Sam is flustered by the mystery limitation. He's got a lot of experience with brunches, but doesn't want to paint himself into a corner. Mia wanders. Frank interviews that he thinks he's going to do a smoked salmon quiche. Everyone stocks up on eggs. Michael has no idea what to do. He decides to buy a roasted chicken, in case there's no heating element at the challenge. Wow, smart idea! From Michael! I know! Cliff considers using wheat or oatmeal. The chefs check out and go back to the Cellblock. Night falls.
3:30 AM. Eeeeeeew. Cliff gives Michael five more minutes to sleep. Awww. Ilan says he didn't sleep that much last night. Sam interviews that this is the most challenging challenge so far. He's wearing a shirt that reads "ALMOND JOI'S AUNT", whatever that means. In the other room, the ladies commiserate about how hard it is for a woman to be respected in the culinary world. They are top chefs, hear them roar. Marcel interviews that his immunity couldn't have come at a better time. He's does a little "I'm-not-gonna-get-eliminated" dance, and it pains me to say that it's completely adorable. Seriously. We cut to some shots of the beach, and there are some surfers out in the water. I guess we know who the athletes are now. A bird looks around with minimal interest. The chefs roll onto the beach, where the judges are waiting. Holy hell, what is Padma wearing now? Denim shorts, a white knit jacket, an open vest revealing a bikini top, and a matching bandana. I mean, she doesn't look bad, but that's like a My Scene Barbie outfit. The judges stand near a firepit and some blankets laid out with dishes and cookware. Elia is glad that she finally gets to go to the "bitch", because she hasn't been to the "bitch" for a while. Hehehe.
Nobody's too thrilled to see that they'll be cooking on a firepit, surrounded by sand. Frank interviews that he's screwed, because there's virtually no way to cook quiche without an oven. Sam also says that had he known about the firepit in advance, he would have completely changed his dish. Padma duhs that the surfers are the athletes, and the firepits are the kitchen. Ptom and Gail are present, of course, but Raphael is out surfing with the rest of the "athletes". The chefs will have 45 minutes to prepare their dishes, and the surfers will be filling out surveys. Their opinions will count towards the final decision. Go! Everyone rushes for the pits. People kneel in the sand to start slicing and chopping. Doesn't look like a fun way to cook. Mia knocks a container of salt into the sand. Whoops! Cliff interviews about what a huge factor the sand is over a shot of Frank knocking some berries onto the ground. Whoops! Mia and Marcel have a tiny little pissing match over whose pan goes on which spot on the firepit, but it doesn't really come to anything. Except when Mia calls herself a "barbecuologist". After using a "word" like that, she doesn't deserve a place on the firepit.
Michael suddenly realizes that he doesn't have his eggs. WHY IS HE STILL IN THIS COMPETITION? Frank interviews that Michael's like his dumb little brother. He's shocked Michael's made it this far. Scratch that, he's shocked Michael even made it to the show. And while I wish I didn't have to say it... Amen, Frank. Michael half-heartedly asks the other chefs if they can spare some eggs. Betty, Sam, and Cliff are good enough to share. Which was very sweet of them, although part of me wishes they'd left him hanging. Michael says "Versatility, baby!" in glee. Who's versatile? You, for having to borrow other people's ingredients? The other chefs, for sharing? Stick to "dude" and "like", Michael. You're safer there. With twenty minutes left, we see that Frank has unwisely chosen to stick with his quiche idea. He makes the crusts, which fall into little bits. And then get attacked by birds. Hehehehe.
The chefs have dry-erase boards to advertise their dishes. Elia's reads "Organic Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner". She interviews that she decided to make something she's made before. It's waffles with butter, syrup, fried beans, fried eggs, and cheese on top, and includes honey and olive oil. She assures us that it'll be good. It certainly sounds good. By the way, as of this episode, Elia's officially my favorite contestant. Mia thinks the surfers will appreciate her crabcakes Benedict with a mango cream sauce. That sounds great, too. Sam planned to call his dish "Green Eggs and Ham", but the final product comes out a grayish brown, so he changes the name to "Scrambled eggs -- Toad in a Hole style". Cooking montage that makes me want to eat breakfast right now, even though I just had dinner. This damn show. Time runs out. Dramatic music plays as a horde of surfers descends upon the chefs. They're coming to eat, music. They're not attacking China. Sam interviews that he normally wouldn't serve what he's made. There's a shot of it, and ick. No kidding. In addition to his ugly hash, he's burned the bread underneath it. It looks awful. He's nervous about elimination.
Commercials. Keep up with that voiceover work, Wendie Malick. I sense that Big Day isn't exactly going to provide much of a nest egg, if you get my drift.
The chefs wildly make final preparations for the onslaught of surfers. Mia interviews that all she had to say was "crabcakes", and she had a long line. It's true. I do some part-time work as a cater waiter, and when I have a tray of crabcakes, they always disappear in a flash. The surfers love it. Ptom tells her she's lucky to have chosen seafood for this crew. He heartily enjoys eating on the beach. I have to give Ptom some credit. Apart from the first episode, he's been exponentially less annoying this season. Elia peddles her food. She interviews that she ran out within seven minutes, and that people told her that "eet was da baaaam". Heh. Gail says that she was worried at first, what with the amount of ingredients that Elia used, but she's pleasantly surprised. Ilan has made a Spanish tortilla, which I haven't had since I was actually in Spain, and looking at it now makes me really want to go back. Ilan is pleased with himself. I know, I may as well have written "Gravity still works". The surfers seem to enjoy his food.
Betty's presentation has improved immensely over the Quickfire, which is odd when you think about the surroundings that each dish was prepared in. She's got toast (I'm happy to see that it's not burnt at all -- probably very difficult to achieve over a firepit) with a Black Forest ham and egg bundle. It's held together with a ribbon of... Leek, maybe? It's pretty. There's also some colorful corn and tomato between the ham bundle and the toast. The judges like it. Betty's pretty confident. Frank has finally given up on the quiche and just called his dish a zucchini and salmon scramble. He's also made a cannoli cream on the side, and tossed some strawberries and a waffle into it. He says he's overcooked his eggs, and Gail agrees, calling them rubbery and brown. Ew. Even if the crusts didn't work, I would think that people wanting to call themselves master chefs could make a serviceable scrambled egg.
Cliff has made a scramble of chicken apple sausage with sweet potato hash, and chive scrambled eggs. Meh. It doesn't sound bad (although I'm not as into sweet potatoes as the rest of the country). But tossing some meat, potatoes, and eggs into a bowl isn't exactly going to set the culinary world aflame. Cliff says that he wishes he could have made something more visually appealing. Ptom agrees that the presentation is sloppy, and Cliff's is the only dish in which the judges get a mouthful of sand. Rut roh. Sam's dish looks like ass, which he freely admits. Michael enjoins people in his stoner voice to have some chicken and egg tacos. Raphael says that tacos are a good, portable food for the beach. Marcel chats up some surfers. We finally see what he's made: poached eggs, hash browns, gravlax, and cream cheese with bacon lardons. Looks good. You won't be alone if you have a good, juvenile giggle at the word "lardon". Marcel affects a faux-surfer accent in his interview. It could use some work. He should talk to Michael or rent Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Speaking of Michael, he's disdainful of Marcel "macking" on the young surfer chicks. He says that Marcel sometimes acts like he's sixteen. No, you read that correctly. Michael. You know, the one who squeezes a pair of his wife's panties for amusement and whose favorite movies involve fucking apple pie? Yeah. He thinks someone else is immature.
The surfers fill out their surveys. A cute couple says that they liked Mia's the best. One woman really liked Elia's. A guy with an ill-advised soul patch says that when he picked up Sam's bagel, everything fell out. Michael tells Sam that he'll be all right, but Sam says he knows for a fact that he'll be in the bottom three. He only hopes someone else did a crappier job than he did. Eating montage. Mia and Elia look at each other with conspiratorial faces. They egg each other on a bit, then start taking off their coats. Mia interviews that she and Elia made a pact to go into the water if they ever found themselves at the beach. Soon, all three ladies are splashing around. Betty doesn't even bother to take her chef's coat off. The surfers run into the water. I hear my mother's disembodied voice taking them to task for going swimming so soon after eating. Marcel jumps into the water. I swear I can see his buttcrack. He begins flirting with Elia, tackling her and pulling her down into the water. Aw. Someone's got a crush! Birds pick at the remains of the food.
Commercials. I'm glad you like Charter, old lady. You're about the only one.
Judges' Table. Raphael calls the challenge "interesting", and says he enjoyed it. Raphael's boring. Padma talks about how the firepits freaked the chefs out, and Ptom is pleasantly surprised that all the chefs (save one) avoided getting sand into their dishes. Gail says that people don't understand how difficult it is to cook an egg well. Um, Gail? A good rule of thumb when it comes to cooking is that if I can do it, pretty much anyone should be able to. And making sure eggs aren't rubbery and brown is easy. She goes on to say that not all of the chefs were successful in translating their preconceived notions about what they were going to make to the actual challenge. True enough. Padma lets us in on the fact that the surfers' top four choices were the three women and Ilan. Betty had clean presentation. Mia's food was great, but lacked in the presentation. Elia chose a risky dish, but the execution was excellent. Gail liked Ilan's dish, though she found the eggs a little overdone. Padma seems to think they were waaaaay overdone. I thought hard eggs were standard in a Spanish tortilla. Whatever, I'm sure they know better than I.
The chefs settle on a top three, and Padma comes back to the Kitchen and calls the three women to the table. They give audible sighs of relief when they're told they're the top three. Yeesh, they were really nervous for a second there. Mia's dish was the surfers' favorite. Elia is given high praise for her mix of sweet and salty flavors. Betty's presentation not only looked good, but served a practical purpose in keeping the ingredients warm. Raphael gets to announce the winner, and Elia scores her second consecutive challenge. Yay! Betty is happy that the top three spots went to the three women. Solidarity, sisters! Padma asks them to send Frank, Sam, and Cliff out to the judges.
There are no interstitial scenes shown, and we go right to the gong noise that announces the losers. The guys are told that they're the bottom three. Frank is asked what he thought of the challenge. He says that he's disappointed in the ingredients he chose and the meal he planned. He outlines what he eventually wound up doing, and demonstrates a verbal tic that I've been hearing a lot lately, and drives me crazy. Naturally, the cooking world is full of argot of foreign origin. I mean, just look up. In this entry alone, we've heard about carpaccio and ceviche and such. So why, for the love that all that is good and holy, do the chefs pronounce all these words with their usual American accent, yet insist on saying the word ricotta like they just stumbled out of Venice yesterday? It's ri-COT-uh, not ree-COHT-ah. Cripes, that bugs. Anyway, Frank is asked what he think went specifically wrong. He guesses that his eggs were overcooked. Bingo. Gail asks what the connection was between his ricotta (and bless her, she says it correctly) cream and the scramble. Frank explains that they would have gone together much better if he'd been able to make the quiche like he'd originally planned. I'll buy that. He's asked what he'd change about his dish, and he says he should have served individual omelets.
Sam tells the judges what he was going for with his dish. Gail points out the obvious fact that it looked extremely unappealing, and says that it was the surfers' least favorite food. Ouch. Ptom asks why they should keep him around. Sam says it's because he's a good chef, which he's proven up until this point. Raphael asks if this has been his toughest challenge to date. Well, dur. Sam duhs that it is, saying he'd rather stand in front of a vending machine to select ingredients. Gail points out that part of the challenge was seeing how well the chefs adapted their original recipes, and Sam failed miserably at that. Sam says that it came down to the ingredients, and that the chefs had to gamble on them, not knowing the eventual cooking conditions. Elia's gamble paid off, and his didn't. That's not a bad response. Cliff is asked why he thinks he's there. He's not sure, but admits that his dish wasn't the most visually appealing one he's ever put out there. He says that given the chance to do it again, he'd prepare his eggs differently. Gail says that it looked sloppy, and that it seemed like not much effort went into it. Padma says that it may have helped if he had put his scramble on top of something, rather than just slopping it in a bowl. Ptom brings up the sand, which suitably embarrasses Cliff. He's asked a similar why-should-we-keep-you question, and he simply answers that he's not done with the competition. He made a bad decision, but there's no way he's going home. Geez, tempt Fate a little more, Cliff. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Ptom is surprised to see chefs that have been very strong in the competition so far wind up at the losers' table. Raphael thinks Frank could have done a lot better, and Padma guesses that he was really put out by the available cooking method. Gail can't get over his charred eggs. That's obviously a dealbreaker for her. Sam's flavors were pretty good, and he could have done a lot more to improve the presentation. Ptom says that the unusual surroundings of the challenge have nothing to do with why he failed. Gail agrees, saying that a lot of the chefs cooked better and smarter than ever before. Cliff had a good idea, but wound up with a bowl of mixed-up stuff. The food itself was good, but the presentation sucked. The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. To each his own, of course, but I'm hoping my friends know me well enough not to give me TGI Friday's gift certificates for the holidays.
The bottom three are called back out. Ptom goes on and on with a tiresome analogy about surfing. I'll spare you the details. What it boils down to is that the judges are looking at how the contestants react to unexpected conditions. Basically, the bottom three just got knocked off their game this week. Frank didn't recover from the quiche mistake. Sam could have rearranged his ingredients. Cliff's flavors were good, but he could have done much better. Ptom turns to Padma to announce this week's loser. Frank. Yes! He's asked if he has anything to say. He humbly responds that everyone in the room (and those in the pantry) are invited to his place for good food, good wine, and good friends, until they move the nutmeg in his spice rack and he brains them with a frying pan. Except he leaves that last bit off. He thanks the judges and goes back to the Kitchen to announce that he's the sacrificial lamb. No you're not. A sacrificial lamb is someone that goes to their doom through no fault of their own. He hugs everyone in the Kitchen (including Marcel) as he interviews that basing his elimination on this week's challenge was entirely fair, though he feels he's more talented than a lot of people left. Good, someone finally gets it. Could you sit Josie down and explain it to her, Frank? On his way out, Frank interviews that he's learned that a true chef is a gentleman, and should (or shall) remain that way. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I wasn't aware that gentlemen threatened to beat people until their mothers don't recognize them. I must need to catch up on my Miss Manners columns.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: Betty hoped a woman gets the Top Chef title. Jesus, I've already stopped watching the previews because they give too much away. Do I have to start skipping the previouslies too? Half the chefs won the Quickfire Challenge. The five who lost out had to prepare Thanksgiving dinner (in the middle of summer -- heh). Elia lost her mind for a little while, but found it in a pot of creamy mushroom soup. Frank disparaged Marcel's food, but the scene where he threatened to beat Marcel to a bloody pulp is curiously omitted here. Elia won the challenge, while Carlos' plan to make mediocre food backfired, and he was punted. Nine corn-shuckers remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Cellblock. Elia stretches, and interviews that she has to be sure and think clearly. No letting emotions interfere with her work. I dunno, she let that happen last week, and she won the challenge. Maybe she should go crazy more often. Sam thinks he's got a great shot at winning. He calls himself a "force". Yeah, the force of passive-aggressive whining is pretty powerful. Frank says that he's been on a roll lately, being in the top three in the past four "shots". What the fuck is he talking about? He has yet to win a single Quickfire (excepting last week, when half the chefs won), and he's been in the top three of an Elimination Challenge exactly once. He goes on to say that for the past ten years or so, he's been the best in his field. You'll forgive my skepticism of his great talent, since he just lied (or was grossly mistaken) about his track record on this very show. He closes by saying he'll rely on his abilities to take him "over the top". I'll say.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are taken to the Redondo Beach Farmer's Market, which looks charming. Something bugs me about that apostrophe placement, but I can't say for sure that it's incorrect. Padma meets them, and introduces this week's guest judge, Raphael Lunetta. That sounds like a name from the Harry Potter universe. He's an accomplished chef, and runs a restaurant in Santa Monica. Padma tells the chefs that this week's challenges center around working with limitations. You know, unlike all those other challenges where the chefs are given free reign. The Quickfire Challenge will be to create an entree from ingredients found at the market. The catch is that none of the ingredients can be cooked. The food cannot be heated at any point. Marcel is excited to work with real ingredients, rather than junky snacks or canned food. The chefs are given twenty dollars, and thirty minutes to shop. Then half an hour in the Kitchen to prepare the actual dishes. Go! Food porn ensues. Seriously, those fruits and vegetables look so good. Mia recommends eating raw corn. Really? Is that any good? I'll have to try it sometime. People buy produce and herbs. Michael has no idea what to do. Frank is equally perplexed, but goes for some scallops. Elia gets some tuna.
Back in the Kitchen, people get started. Mia's not nervous in the least. She thinks a nice, hearty salad is the way to go. Frank is making a scallop carpaccio with some radishes and cucumbers. Chopping and tossing ensues. Of the food, that is. Betty is a bit nervous, acknowledging that she hasn't been doing too well lately. Marcel doesn't seem to be a bit worried. Padma enters and gives them a five-minute warning. Michael tries to stack something, and it keeps falling over, because Frank is grating something (besides my nerves), and it's shaking the table. Michael concludes from this that Frank should go home. Um... OK, Michael. Frank should go home for grating food. In a cooking competition. After trying and failing to stack his food again, Michael gets a brainwave and MOVES TO ANOTHER TABLE. Way to crack that mystery, Sherlock. Frank interviews that Michael's a hack, and couldn't cook his way out of a paper bag, unless it had French fries with it. Huh? I guess he was going for a joke there, and couldn't quite pull it together. Betty whirls around the Kitchen in a frenzy. There's a final chopping and plating montage, and time runs out.
Raphael and Padma go down the line. Betty doesn't get a subtitle. Stop making my life difficult, Bravo. I think she said she made a halibut ceviche, and grape guacamole. She pats herself on the back for using more than produce in her dish. Marcel interviews that Betty needs to work on her presentation. Mia has made corn salad with tomatoes, chili, avocado, cucumber, and a creamy lime dressing. Sounds good. But you know me, I'm a sucker for anything that contains lime. Ilan has made a very pretty summer squash with tomato sauce, and an almond and walnut pesto. Raphael calls it a "great little appetizer". Ilan looks peeved. Cliff has prepared a salad with radishes, French beans, cucumber, and bronze fennel, and what's called "tomato butter puree" on the side. It just looks like someone splashed tomato soup on the plate. Elia's made tuna with spinach, onions, sesame, lime, ginger, and garlic. That sounds so, so good. I know. Lime, right? I swear I think the entire thing sounds great. Raphael says it's delicious. Frank presents his scallop carpaccio, saying he's made a lemon vinaigrette for it, and a smoked salmon, radish, cucumber salad with a lemon-honey vinaigrette. It's very well-presented, which Raphael notes. Sam has made a crudo of summer squash and zucchini, with pickled peaches, plums, and grapes. Michael has made a watermelon Napoleon with avocado, cilantro, and salmon jerky. Marcel made a trio of things involving watermelon and tomato, which I wouldn't think mixed well. I'm just going to transcribe the subtitle, because I don't really understand what he's made. Watermelon steak (so...just cut watermelon?), tomato carpaccio (so...just sliced tomato?), nasturtium (I'm assuming pickled watermelon seeds in this case), and a "refresher". Made of what, I don't know. Ilan smarmerviews that Marcel's dish was more of a dessert than an entree. And yours was more of an appetizer, so shut up. I don't know why I'm so weirdly defensive of Marcel these days.
The chefs gather. Padma asks for the three most disappointing dishes. Betty's tasted good, but her presentation was lacking. She's frustrated, though I'll spare you her squeals. Mia didn't use a pretty tomato that she bought. Um... So the fuck what? Whatever. Michael had a good idea, but his execution was off. Frank looks smug. Now for the good news. Elia's dish was concise, but packed a lot of flavor. Frank made a tasty dish and had good presentation. Marcel's watermelon presentation was beautiful. And now the winner of the Quickfire. Marcel. Whee! Ilan looks peeved again. Suck it, sucka! Marcel interviews that it's his first win, and he was proud of his dish, saying that it couldn't have been any more soigne. Ew. See, every time I try to actively like Marcel, he has to say something pretentious and snotty. Ilan is a typically sore loser, saying Marcel thinks more about cooking methods than the actual food (probably true), and that all he made was a "hunk of watermelon". So Marcel has immunity in the Elimination Challenge, which is coming up right after this dinner break.
*Buuuuurp* OK. Elimination Challenge. Padma (who I forgot to mention looks very pretty in this scene, with a simple pink top and dark green skirt) tells the chefs that sometimes breakfast is overlooked as serious food. The challenge will be to make a tasty and satisfying breakfast. Mia calls herself the Queen of Breakfast. Hasn't she also called herself the Queen of Barbecue? Pick a kingdom, Mia. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be cooking for a group of athletes after their morning practice, though the fact that she doesn't say what sport/activity the athletes participate in should ping everyone's radar. Something twisty this way comes. The chefs will have thirty dollars and thirty minutes to shop. Tomorrow morning, the chefs will rise at an ungodly hour, and go cook for the athletes "where they train". She also says that there will be a cooking limitation, but the chefs won't know what that limitation is until they get there. Hey, maybe they'll get pelted by tomatoes! That'd be sweet. The chefs are understandably nervous. Cliff says he's scared shitless.
Commercials. Women, take a break from your hectic lives...and go Christmas shopping. Because that's not stressful at all.
Grocery store. Betty recaps the challenge, or at least what the chefs know of it. Cliff offers some guesses as to what sport the athletes play. Sam is flustered by the mystery limitation. He's got a lot of experience with brunches, but doesn't want to paint himself into a corner. Mia wanders. Frank interviews that he thinks he's going to do a smoked salmon quiche. Everyone stocks up on eggs. Michael has no idea what to do. He decides to buy a roasted chicken, in case there's no heating element at the challenge. Wow, smart idea! From Michael! I know! Cliff considers using wheat or oatmeal. The chefs check out and go back to the Cellblock. Night falls.
3:30 AM. Eeeeeeew. Cliff gives Michael five more minutes to sleep. Awww. Ilan says he didn't sleep that much last night. Sam interviews that this is the most challenging challenge so far. He's wearing a shirt that reads "ALMOND JOI'S AUNT", whatever that means. In the other room, the ladies commiserate about how hard it is for a woman to be respected in the culinary world. They are top chefs, hear them roar. Marcel interviews that his immunity couldn't have come at a better time. He's does a little "I'm-not-gonna-get-eliminated" dance, and it pains me to say that it's completely adorable. Seriously. We cut to some shots of the beach, and there are some surfers out in the water. I guess we know who the athletes are now. A bird looks around with minimal interest. The chefs roll onto the beach, where the judges are waiting. Holy hell, what is Padma wearing now? Denim shorts, a white knit jacket, an open vest revealing a bikini top, and a matching bandana. I mean, she doesn't look bad, but that's like a My Scene Barbie outfit. The judges stand near a firepit and some blankets laid out with dishes and cookware. Elia is glad that she finally gets to go to the "bitch", because she hasn't been to the "bitch" for a while. Hehehe.
Nobody's too thrilled to see that they'll be cooking on a firepit, surrounded by sand. Frank interviews that he's screwed, because there's virtually no way to cook quiche without an oven. Sam also says that had he known about the firepit in advance, he would have completely changed his dish. Padma duhs that the surfers are the athletes, and the firepits are the kitchen. Ptom and Gail are present, of course, but Raphael is out surfing with the rest of the "athletes". The chefs will have 45 minutes to prepare their dishes, and the surfers will be filling out surveys. Their opinions will count towards the final decision. Go! Everyone rushes for the pits. People kneel in the sand to start slicing and chopping. Doesn't look like a fun way to cook. Mia knocks a container of salt into the sand. Whoops! Cliff interviews about what a huge factor the sand is over a shot of Frank knocking some berries onto the ground. Whoops! Mia and Marcel have a tiny little pissing match over whose pan goes on which spot on the firepit, but it doesn't really come to anything. Except when Mia calls herself a "barbecuologist". After using a "word" like that, she doesn't deserve a place on the firepit.
Michael suddenly realizes that he doesn't have his eggs. WHY IS HE STILL IN THIS COMPETITION? Frank interviews that Michael's like his dumb little brother. He's shocked Michael's made it this far. Scratch that, he's shocked Michael even made it to the show. And while I wish I didn't have to say it... Amen, Frank. Michael half-heartedly asks the other chefs if they can spare some eggs. Betty, Sam, and Cliff are good enough to share. Which was very sweet of them, although part of me wishes they'd left him hanging. Michael says "Versatility, baby!" in glee. Who's versatile? You, for having to borrow other people's ingredients? The other chefs, for sharing? Stick to "dude" and "like", Michael. You're safer there. With twenty minutes left, we see that Frank has unwisely chosen to stick with his quiche idea. He makes the crusts, which fall into little bits. And then get attacked by birds. Hehehehe.
The chefs have dry-erase boards to advertise their dishes. Elia's reads "Organic Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner". She interviews that she decided to make something she's made before. It's waffles with butter, syrup, fried beans, fried eggs, and cheese on top, and includes honey and olive oil. She assures us that it'll be good. It certainly sounds good. By the way, as of this episode, Elia's officially my favorite contestant. Mia thinks the surfers will appreciate her crabcakes Benedict with a mango cream sauce. That sounds great, too. Sam planned to call his dish "Green Eggs and Ham", but the final product comes out a grayish brown, so he changes the name to "Scrambled eggs -- Toad in a Hole style". Cooking montage that makes me want to eat breakfast right now, even though I just had dinner. This damn show. Time runs out. Dramatic music plays as a horde of surfers descends upon the chefs. They're coming to eat, music. They're not attacking China. Sam interviews that he normally wouldn't serve what he's made. There's a shot of it, and ick. No kidding. In addition to his ugly hash, he's burned the bread underneath it. It looks awful. He's nervous about elimination.
Commercials. Keep up with that voiceover work, Wendie Malick. I sense that Big Day isn't exactly going to provide much of a nest egg, if you get my drift.
The chefs wildly make final preparations for the onslaught of surfers. Mia interviews that all she had to say was "crabcakes", and she had a long line. It's true. I do some part-time work as a cater waiter, and when I have a tray of crabcakes, they always disappear in a flash. The surfers love it. Ptom tells her she's lucky to have chosen seafood for this crew. He heartily enjoys eating on the beach. I have to give Ptom some credit. Apart from the first episode, he's been exponentially less annoying this season. Elia peddles her food. She interviews that she ran out within seven minutes, and that people told her that "eet was da baaaam". Heh. Gail says that she was worried at first, what with the amount of ingredients that Elia used, but she's pleasantly surprised. Ilan has made a Spanish tortilla, which I haven't had since I was actually in Spain, and looking at it now makes me really want to go back. Ilan is pleased with himself. I know, I may as well have written "Gravity still works". The surfers seem to enjoy his food.
Betty's presentation has improved immensely over the Quickfire, which is odd when you think about the surroundings that each dish was prepared in. She's got toast (I'm happy to see that it's not burnt at all -- probably very difficult to achieve over a firepit) with a Black Forest ham and egg bundle. It's held together with a ribbon of... Leek, maybe? It's pretty. There's also some colorful corn and tomato between the ham bundle and the toast. The judges like it. Betty's pretty confident. Frank has finally given up on the quiche and just called his dish a zucchini and salmon scramble. He's also made a cannoli cream on the side, and tossed some strawberries and a waffle into it. He says he's overcooked his eggs, and Gail agrees, calling them rubbery and brown. Ew. Even if the crusts didn't work, I would think that people wanting to call themselves master chefs could make a serviceable scrambled egg.
Cliff has made a scramble of chicken apple sausage with sweet potato hash, and chive scrambled eggs. Meh. It doesn't sound bad (although I'm not as into sweet potatoes as the rest of the country). But tossing some meat, potatoes, and eggs into a bowl isn't exactly going to set the culinary world aflame. Cliff says that he wishes he could have made something more visually appealing. Ptom agrees that the presentation is sloppy, and Cliff's is the only dish in which the judges get a mouthful of sand. Rut roh. Sam's dish looks like ass, which he freely admits. Michael enjoins people in his stoner voice to have some chicken and egg tacos. Raphael says that tacos are a good, portable food for the beach. Marcel chats up some surfers. We finally see what he's made: poached eggs, hash browns, gravlax, and cream cheese with bacon lardons. Looks good. You won't be alone if you have a good, juvenile giggle at the word "lardon". Marcel affects a faux-surfer accent in his interview. It could use some work. He should talk to Michael or rent Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Speaking of Michael, he's disdainful of Marcel "macking" on the young surfer chicks. He says that Marcel sometimes acts like he's sixteen. No, you read that correctly. Michael. You know, the one who squeezes a pair of his wife's panties for amusement and whose favorite movies involve fucking apple pie? Yeah. He thinks someone else is immature.
The surfers fill out their surveys. A cute couple says that they liked Mia's the best. One woman really liked Elia's. A guy with an ill-advised soul patch says that when he picked up Sam's bagel, everything fell out. Michael tells Sam that he'll be all right, but Sam says he knows for a fact that he'll be in the bottom three. He only hopes someone else did a crappier job than he did. Eating montage. Mia and Elia look at each other with conspiratorial faces. They egg each other on a bit, then start taking off their coats. Mia interviews that she and Elia made a pact to go into the water if they ever found themselves at the beach. Soon, all three ladies are splashing around. Betty doesn't even bother to take her chef's coat off. The surfers run into the water. I hear my mother's disembodied voice taking them to task for going swimming so soon after eating. Marcel jumps into the water. I swear I can see his buttcrack. He begins flirting with Elia, tackling her and pulling her down into the water. Aw. Someone's got a crush! Birds pick at the remains of the food.
Commercials. I'm glad you like Charter, old lady. You're about the only one.
Judges' Table. Raphael calls the challenge "interesting", and says he enjoyed it. Raphael's boring. Padma talks about how the firepits freaked the chefs out, and Ptom is pleasantly surprised that all the chefs (save one) avoided getting sand into their dishes. Gail says that people don't understand how difficult it is to cook an egg well. Um, Gail? A good rule of thumb when it comes to cooking is that if I can do it, pretty much anyone should be able to. And making sure eggs aren't rubbery and brown is easy. She goes on to say that not all of the chefs were successful in translating their preconceived notions about what they were going to make to the actual challenge. True enough. Padma lets us in on the fact that the surfers' top four choices were the three women and Ilan. Betty had clean presentation. Mia's food was great, but lacked in the presentation. Elia chose a risky dish, but the execution was excellent. Gail liked Ilan's dish, though she found the eggs a little overdone. Padma seems to think they were waaaaay overdone. I thought hard eggs were standard in a Spanish tortilla. Whatever, I'm sure they know better than I.
The chefs settle on a top three, and Padma comes back to the Kitchen and calls the three women to the table. They give audible sighs of relief when they're told they're the top three. Yeesh, they were really nervous for a second there. Mia's dish was the surfers' favorite. Elia is given high praise for her mix of sweet and salty flavors. Betty's presentation not only looked good, but served a practical purpose in keeping the ingredients warm. Raphael gets to announce the winner, and Elia scores her second consecutive challenge. Yay! Betty is happy that the top three spots went to the three women. Solidarity, sisters! Padma asks them to send Frank, Sam, and Cliff out to the judges.
There are no interstitial scenes shown, and we go right to the gong noise that announces the losers. The guys are told that they're the bottom three. Frank is asked what he thought of the challenge. He says that he's disappointed in the ingredients he chose and the meal he planned. He outlines what he eventually wound up doing, and demonstrates a verbal tic that I've been hearing a lot lately, and drives me crazy. Naturally, the cooking world is full of argot of foreign origin. I mean, just look up. In this entry alone, we've heard about carpaccio and ceviche and such. So why, for the love that all that is good and holy, do the chefs pronounce all these words with their usual American accent, yet insist on saying the word ricotta like they just stumbled out of Venice yesterday? It's ri-COT-uh, not ree-COHT-ah. Cripes, that bugs. Anyway, Frank is asked what he think went specifically wrong. He guesses that his eggs were overcooked. Bingo. Gail asks what the connection was between his ricotta (and bless her, she says it correctly) cream and the scramble. Frank explains that they would have gone together much better if he'd been able to make the quiche like he'd originally planned. I'll buy that. He's asked what he'd change about his dish, and he says he should have served individual omelets.
Sam tells the judges what he was going for with his dish. Gail points out the obvious fact that it looked extremely unappealing, and says that it was the surfers' least favorite food. Ouch. Ptom asks why they should keep him around. Sam says it's because he's a good chef, which he's proven up until this point. Raphael asks if this has been his toughest challenge to date. Well, dur. Sam duhs that it is, saying he'd rather stand in front of a vending machine to select ingredients. Gail points out that part of the challenge was seeing how well the chefs adapted their original recipes, and Sam failed miserably at that. Sam says that it came down to the ingredients, and that the chefs had to gamble on them, not knowing the eventual cooking conditions. Elia's gamble paid off, and his didn't. That's not a bad response. Cliff is asked why he thinks he's there. He's not sure, but admits that his dish wasn't the most visually appealing one he's ever put out there. He says that given the chance to do it again, he'd prepare his eggs differently. Gail says that it looked sloppy, and that it seemed like not much effort went into it. Padma says that it may have helped if he had put his scramble on top of something, rather than just slopping it in a bowl. Ptom brings up the sand, which suitably embarrasses Cliff. He's asked a similar why-should-we-keep-you question, and he simply answers that he's not done with the competition. He made a bad decision, but there's no way he's going home. Geez, tempt Fate a little more, Cliff. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Ptom is surprised to see chefs that have been very strong in the competition so far wind up at the losers' table. Raphael thinks Frank could have done a lot better, and Padma guesses that he was really put out by the available cooking method. Gail can't get over his charred eggs. That's obviously a dealbreaker for her. Sam's flavors were pretty good, and he could have done a lot more to improve the presentation. Ptom says that the unusual surroundings of the challenge have nothing to do with why he failed. Gail agrees, saying that a lot of the chefs cooked better and smarter than ever before. Cliff had a good idea, but wound up with a bowl of mixed-up stuff. The food itself was good, but the presentation sucked. The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. To each his own, of course, but I'm hoping my friends know me well enough not to give me TGI Friday's gift certificates for the holidays.
The bottom three are called back out. Ptom goes on and on with a tiresome analogy about surfing. I'll spare you the details. What it boils down to is that the judges are looking at how the contestants react to unexpected conditions. Basically, the bottom three just got knocked off their game this week. Frank didn't recover from the quiche mistake. Sam could have rearranged his ingredients. Cliff's flavors were good, but he could have done much better. Ptom turns to Padma to announce this week's loser. Frank. Yes! He's asked if he has anything to say. He humbly responds that everyone in the room (and those in the pantry) are invited to his place for good food, good wine, and good friends, until they move the nutmeg in his spice rack and he brains them with a frying pan. Except he leaves that last bit off. He thanks the judges and goes back to the Kitchen to announce that he's the sacrificial lamb. No you're not. A sacrificial lamb is someone that goes to their doom through no fault of their own. He hugs everyone in the Kitchen (including Marcel) as he interviews that basing his elimination on this week's challenge was entirely fair, though he feels he's more talented than a lot of people left. Good, someone finally gets it. Could you sit Josie down and explain it to her, Frank? On his way out, Frank interviews that he's learned that a true chef is a gentleman, and should (or shall) remain that way. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I wasn't aware that gentlemen threatened to beat people until their mothers don't recognize them. I must need to catch up on my Miss Manners columns.
Overall Grade: B+
Monday, December 11, 2006
Say Your Deepest Prayers Ever
The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 13
The final three teams head for Paris. Too bad RoKi's too stressed with race worry to properly enjoy the "rich" countries Kimberly's been pining for. She takes the final Roadblock (skydiving), which makes Rob jealous, so we get to enjoy one more pointless RoKi fight before the season ends. Whee! The Detour is a boring task where teams make shitty fashion designs, and just made me miss Nina Garcia. The three teams change order often and catch up often, until their final flight back to New York City, which Lyn and Karlyn cannot board. Guess that "higher power" doesn't want you to get the money, ladies.
So it comes down to two alpha teams, and keeping in mind RoKi's history of breaking down, getting lost, following others, and so on, it's only fitting that James and Tyler win. Thus endeth the part of this paragraph where I don't start whining that white, straight, muscly pretty-boys winning the race is so trite by this point as to make it almost offensive.
The final three teams head for Paris. Too bad RoKi's too stressed with race worry to properly enjoy the "rich" countries Kimberly's been pining for. She takes the final Roadblock (skydiving), which makes Rob jealous, so we get to enjoy one more pointless RoKi fight before the season ends. Whee! The Detour is a boring task where teams make shitty fashion designs, and just made me miss Nina Garcia. The three teams change order often and catch up often, until their final flight back to New York City, which Lyn and Karlyn cannot board. Guess that "higher power" doesn't want you to get the money, ladies.
So it comes down to two alpha teams, and keeping in mind RoKi's history of breaking down, getting lost, following others, and so on, it's only fitting that James and Tyler win. Thus endeth the part of this paragraph where I don't start whining that white, straight, muscly pretty-boys winning the race is so trite by this point as to make it almost offensive.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Dude, I'm Such A Hot Giant Chick Right Now
The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 12
Fuck. Blah blah blah. Dustin and Kandice get eliminated, which means Lyn and Karlyn -- Lyn and Karlyn -- are going to the final three.
Fuck. Blah blah blah. Dustin and Kandice get eliminated, which means Lyn and Karlyn -- Lyn and Karlyn -- are going to the final three.
Friday, December 08, 2006
We Just Won't Die, Like Roaches
The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 11
Previously on The Amazing Race: The back half of a double leg. The teams went to Kiev, where the Prom Court led the pack for the entire episode. After some uneventful tank-driving, teams raced off to the funniest Detour ever. Lyn and Karlyn leaped off of the sinking Underdog ship just in time, but there were no more lifeboats for Erwin and Godwin. Four teams remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Sarah, the way to escape him is to pedal in the other direction.
Kiev, Ukraine. Phil gives us his opening blather in front of a statue that appears to be telling us that the field goal is good. Tyler and James are off the mat first at 7:33 AM. Their clue tells them to head for Ouarzazate, Morocco. Ouarzazate would be a good name for a cat. Sorry, I'm on a sugar high from polishing off the last of my Girl Scout cookies, so I'm a bit loopy right now. Whee! Once in Morocco, teams will drive themselves about four miles and find a specific antique shop. There are four good luck charms there, and each team will pick one up, because one of them will lead to a super-special prize at the pitstop. Tyler and James hope to knock KanDustin out of the race, because they're such fierce competitors. Wait, not because they don't "deserve" to be there or because they're such horrible bitches? You actually want them gone for the right reasons? That's so refreshing! Speaking of KanDustin, they leave the mat at 7:41 AM. Dustin tells Kandice that she wrote a paper in college about Morocco. That'll come in handy! Snerk. I'm not trying to belittle her; I still whine about the time my chemistry class had to pick elements out of a jar to write a long paper about, and Lady Fortune saw fit to make me draw tin. Not that that's the most boring element ever. Aaaaaaanyway, KanDustin would really like to win.
Tyler and James pull over and ask a cab to lead them to the airport. RoKi leaves the mat at 8:19 AM. Rob says that the race is helping him "grow", and that he sometimes needs to breathe and calm down. Kimberly agrees, saying he needs to know that he can't control everything. I don't quite understand the Reformation of Rob arc here, because she can get just as hysterical as he does. Sometimes even more so. Whatever. KanDustin gets to the airport, and finds a flight that connects through Milan, and gets into Casablanca at 3:00 PM. The layover is practically nil, so it'll be tough to catch that second plane. They decide to risk it. Tyler and James arrive, and are confounded by the fact that KanDustin beat them there. They ask about flights, and are told that KanDustin's is full. They wander off to find another flight, and KanDustin asks the agent about getting to Ouarzazate. Turns out there's only one flight there, at 10:55 PM. So, wait. If there's only one flight out of Casablanca, KanDustin could go get different tickets, right? Ones that aren't such a high risk of missing the connecting flight? They know they'll have no time advantage over other teams anyway, and yet they never try to find a safer way there. Odd.
Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 9:08 AM. The teams don't get any money for this leg. Eat it, suckas! Lyn and Karlyn joke about what language Moroccans speak, and find it strange that they're the last surviving members of the Underdogs. Man, no kidding. I fully expected Lyn and Karlyn to be eliminated within the first three episodes. Though they (meaning Karlyn) can be thoroughly annoying people, I really should give them props for that. Lyn says that they're fully ready to compete as an individual team, rather than as part of an alliance. RoKi arrives at the airport. They meet up with Tyler and James, and find out about a flight connecting through Paris that gets into Casablanca at 4:35 PM. KanDustin approaches, and asks what tickets the Plastics got. Rob, looking to cause a little mischief, tells them they're getting into Casablanca at 1:00 PM. He interviews that KanDustin races with a "certain amount of arrogance", so he presumably wants to knock them down a peg. And what, you ask, is Kandice's "arrogant" reaction upon learning that they might not have a lead anymore? "We should get on that flight, D. We thought we were doing so good." OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! The nerve of them to try and step up their game! Rob lets them in on the fact that they've been hoodwinked, and they laugh it off.
KanDustin's flight takes off. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the airport. They also find the tickets through Paris, but won't get into Casablanca until 10:00 PM. Eh, doesn't matter. They'll still be able to catch the 10:55 to Ouarzazate. The second flight takes off. At 11:45 AM, KanDustin's flight lands in Milan. Dustin tells the camera that technically, the cutoff for checking into their connecting flight was five minutes ago. Indeed, the agent tells them that they won't be allowed to board. They try to beg their way on, but the agent shortly tells them that the flight is closed. KanDustin stomps off, talking about how bitchy the agent was. Which, yeah she was, but it isn't her fault they didn't get there in time. Graciously accept the consequences of your (pointless) risk, KanDustin. The other teams land in Paris at 1:20 PM. The Plastics hop onto their connecting flight. As Lyn and Karlyn wait out their layover, they pore over a very detailed map, working out their route for once they get to Morocco. Smart thinking, ladies. And wow, that map is huge. The Plastics land in Casablanca and pick up their final set of tickets on the 10:55 PM flight to Ouarzazate. They have no idea where KanDustin is. Lyn and Karlyn are next to arrive in Casablanca at 10:00 PM. Finally, KanDustin arrives. What time is it? I don't know. How did they finally get out of Milan, and what time was it then? Your guess is as good as mine. Everyone is shocked that KanDustin is on the plane, for some unfathomable reason. Rob says that he was "literally crushed". Arrrgh! He was hoping KanDustin's stupid risk would bite them in the ass.
Ouarzazate, Morocco. KanDustin comes out of the airport and pays a cab driver to lead them to the antique shop. The Plastics jump in their cars and decide to follow KanDustin, while Lyn and Karlyn stick to their map. In the RoKi car, Rob decides, even as he's following KanDustin, that he's "over" them. Yeah, those people you're hoping do your work for you want to be, like, in first place and stuff. OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! Rob, once you're done learning how to "breathe" and "calm down", can gaining a nugget of self-awareness be next on the list? The cab driver everyone's following pulls over on the side of a street, and the driver gets out. Looks like he doesn't know the way to the shop. KanDustin hops out of the car to ask for directions. Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn pull right up to the shop. OK, that was awesome. They snag one of the good luck charms, and the man behind the counter hands over the next clue. It tells them to drive six miles to Atlas Studios, which was used as the background in Cleopatra and Gladiator. Oh, and "Caution: Yield Ahead". Phil explains the Yield's rules, which haven't changed, and which I still detest.
Lyn and Karlyn hurriedly drive away from the shop, and Karlyn's excited about using the Yield. Not using it at all isn't an option, apparently. They really want to stick it to someone. I can't imagine who they'd like to Yield. They certainly don't dislike any of these other teams, especially one that rhymes with DanKustin. Speaking of whom, they're still working on getting directions, as the Plastics laughingly agree to just let them do all the work, then follow them. Well, of course. No wonder Rob disapproves of KanDustin's racing style, since his is so noble. Lyn and Karlyn pass the other teams, and Tyler laughs that they have no idea what they're doing. Burn! They pull over and find a local to help them find Atlas Studios. Dramatic music kicks in as more and more guys approach the teams waiting for directions. KanDustin gets nervous and gets back into their car, and the Plastics take off. They're playing it up like KanDustin's about to get gang raped, which is a little unfair. They eventually figure out that the guys are pretty harmless, and get a local to join them and show them where the shop is.
Elsewhere, RoKi is doing the same thing. The Plastics make it to the shop first, and when they see that one of the good luck charms is gone, they automatically assume that KanDustin was the team to take it. Hehehehe. They get their charms and clues, and head for the studio. Karlyn has decided that KanDustin is definitely the team she wants to Yield. I'm shocked! KanDustin has run into some bad luck. The local they've got with them hasn't led them to the shop, and they're a bit lost. Rut roh! James hopes he and Tyler aren't Yielded. KanDustin finds the shop in last place, and are surprised that "the Sistas" found it. Seriously, KanDustin? Stop it. Now. Oof, it's like a knife in my ear every time I hear it. So of course Dustin says it again. Arrrgh! Lyn and Karlyn cackle over being able to Yield KanDustin, saying "what goes around, comes around". There's that curious morality again! But I'm sure this is the last time that Lyn and Karlyn will vilify someone else for behavior that they consider perfectly acceptable in themselves. And even if it's not, I'm certain that such blatant hypocrisy won't occur in the next ten minutes.
Commercials. I'm all for women having whatever birth control they want, but perhaps this lady should hold off bitching about the daily pill. Have you been keeping up with this administration, lady? You should be glad it's even legal.
Lyn is cautiously excited. KanDustin is nervous. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the studios, and learn that it doesn't open until 8 AM. Whaaaaaa? OK, I'm all for equalizing points, be it due to flights or hours of operation. If people were just allowed to race and race and race, then someone would no doubt get way out in front, and the entire show would be boring. Also, Lyn and Karlyn are going to be on my shitlist very, very soon. That said? This is total bullshit. It is blatantly unfair to equalize everyone right before the Yield, because it renders all the advantages of racing well this leg pointless. Not only that, but it turns this entire Yield into a mini-footrace. Lyn and Karlyn raced their asses off to get here in first place, and it sucks that they now have to outrun young, athletic people (like that'll happen) to get anything out of it. Bleh. Very poor planning here. Lyn and Karlyn are justifiably pissed. The Plastics pull up, and are shocked to see that Lyn and Karlyn have beat them there. KanDustin arrives in last, and hopes that they'll be able to pull themselves together the next day. Sleepytime for all.
Morning. At 8:00, the gates open, and the teams all run in a straight shot to the Yield. Let's get this shit over with. Tyler and James get there first and don't use the Yield. RoKi doesn't use the Yield. KanDustin Yields Lyn and Karlyn. This is such crap. The overall situation is such crap, that is. Yielding Lyn and Karlyn is pretty much KanDustin's only chance to pick up some time right now, so they acted wisely, even though this should never have happened. Tyler and James reach the cluebox. Roadblock! The chosen team member will join a professional charioteer, and race around a dirt track. Each horse has a colored plume, and the Roadblocker will need to pull down two flags with the corresponding color on their way around. Once they've got the flags, they'll get the next clue. That's pretty neat. James takes the Roadblock, as does Rob. Good choice. He reminds us that Kimberly and horses don't exactly get along. There's a black and white flashback for the forgetful. Dustin takes the Roadblock. Lyn and Karlyn flip the Yield hourglass over. KanDustin thanks Tyler for not Yielding them. Hey, yeah! Why didn't they? Weird. Kandice reiterates to the camera that they had to Yield Lyn and Karlyn. I still agree. And how does Karlyn feel about being Yielded? "Well, you know I already hated them, so... I expected it, because it's typical of something they would do. They've shown no character at all in this game. That's on them to live with. They have to live with that. I can go home at night and go right to sleep." Yep, when Lyn and Karlyn were going to Yield KanDustin, it was perfectly fine. They even admitted that they were going to do so for personal reasons. However, when KanDustin Yields them? OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! Shut the fuck up, Karlyn.
The Roadblockers get into what can only be called period garb for their task. Dustin hops on the horse with the purple plumes, James gets blue, and Rob gets red. The crowd the show asked to stand around and cheer does so with admirable zeal. James' horse takes off in the wrong direction, and he yells at it. Heh. I'm not sure a Moroccan horse is going to take guff from a guy who calls everyone "bro". Lyn and Karlyn watch. Karlyn hopes doing the task by herself will be easier than trying to do it with a bunch of other horses on the track. It's a distinct possibility. One of the chariots crashes spectacularly. The charioteers spill out, and a wheel goes spinning off by itself, which is, of course, the law of the universe. Kandice is worried about who was riding in it, but Tyler realizes that it was staged "movie stuff". Kimberly wonders what it'd be like (read: secretly wishes) if an actual racer fell like that. The carts round a curve to dramatic music. Dustin grabs her first flag. Rob snags one, too. James reaches out for his, but misses it by a country mile. Lyn and Karlyn watch sourly. The Roadblockers come around a bend. Dustin gets her second flag, as does Rob. James manages to pull his first. Rob and Dustin's chariots pull over. As KanDustin passes back by Lyn and Karlyn, Karlyn shoots them the middle finger. Classy. Lyn tells her not to do that; that it's ugly. Karlyn apologizes. To Lyn, that is. Dustin tells Kandice about the finger, taking yet another opportunity to call Lyn and Karlyn the Sistas. That alone warrants the finger.
RoKi rips the clue. It tells them to drive 22 miles to the town of Idelssan, and find the Cafe Pirgola, where the next cluebox will be waiting. ANOTHER "Sistas". Urrrgh! After reading their own clue, KanDustin asks RoKi if they want to work with them to find the cafe faster. They agree, and Rob interviews that he doesn't trust KanDustin, but it's handy to "use" them once in a while. James yanks his second flag. Just as he starts to pull over, the sand runs out on the Yield. Karlyn takes the Roadblock. Again, Rob insults KanDustin (calling their use of the Yield "crappy", which...NOT) even as he lets them do his work for him. I never thought I'd see the day that the requisite muscly, white, straight boys would be the most self-aware team left. Yet here we are. As Karlyn gets ready to do the Roadblock, Lyn tells the camera that it's "interesting that everybody finds us a threat." She continues by saying that it was "stupid on [KanDustin's] part", because KanDustin shouldn't want to race in the final three with teams that are as physically fit as they. Good thinking, Lyn! KanDustin should have totally Yielded that other team that was behind them! You know, the invisible one! Dumbass. Tyler and James rip their clue, and arrange for a taxi to lead them to the cafe.
Karlyn takes the green-plumed horses, and gets started. Lyn thinks Karlyn being pissed from the Yield will spur her on to do better. Hey, maybe that's why Lyn and Karlyn are in the final four. Karlyn's always pissed. She grabs her first flag. Lyn notes that they're really not that far behind. RoKi and KanDustin have stopped for directions, and Tyler and James pass them. They soon form a little convoy. Karlyn gets her second flag. Lyn thinks that Karlyn got her flags more quickly than the other teams did. They rip their clue, and hop into the car.
The cab driver that James and Tyler have hired doesn't want to go the whole way to Idelssan, so he points them in the right direction, then ditches. Weird-ass cabbie. It's only 22 miles. The bad car luck that seems to follow RoKi everywhere they go strikes again, and they get a flat tire. KanDustin notes it gleefully. Lyn and Karlyn pull over and talk someone into riding with them to Idelssan. Kimberly says that Lyn and Karlyn tend to be very good with directions, so it's crucial to not get lost on this drive. KanDustin passes RoKi, and calls out the window to them that they've got a flat. Rob pulls over. Kimberly, anticipating his hissyfit, tries to cut him off at the pass by telling him not to freak out. He starts to anyway. Lyn and Karlyn's passenger also doesn't want to go with them the whole way. Is Idelssan haunted or something? They drop him off, and he points the way.
A frustrated RoKi begins to change their tire. Karlyn says that while they've never come in first, they keep hanging in there, so there must be a higher power that wants them in the race. Yeah, God loves people who flick others off because they're beating them in a competition. Rob can't find a jack in their car. Weird. You'd think it'd have one. Lyn and Karlyn pass by, and say that they're not going to help RoKi out. Because they're in a race, and it's perfectly acceptable not to assist your direct competition? No, don't be silly. It's because RoKi didn't have the good sense to Yield KanDustin. You know, I've been watching my share of reality television this season, and I can pretty confidently say that Lyn and Karlyn will be taking home the coveted Most Undeservedly Self-Entitled crown. Rob has now discovered that the car does, indeed, have a jack, but he can't pull it out of its panel. Yeah, that's not bad luck. That's just ineptitude.
Commercials. Yes, when I think of spreading love and peace throughout the world, GAP certainly springs to mind.
RoKi manages to flag down a passing motorist, who agrees to pull over and let them use his jack. Meanwhile, the Prom Court finds the cafe and the cluebox. Two random guys are standing nearby, playing instruments. I assume they were there to provide some local color, but we barely see them, so they just wind up looking like, well, two random guys. Detour! Throw It or Grind It. In Throw It, teams have to drive four miles to another town, find a marked pottery shop, and throw two properly-made pots. Once an artisan approves the pots, they'll get the next clue. In Grind It, teams travel four miles back towards Ouarzazate, and find a horse ranch/olive farm. Once there, the team has to use an olive mill (a big grindstone worked by walking in a circle) to grind 77 pounds of olives. Once the olives are ground and put into pressing sleeves, they'll get the next clue. Both Detour options have three workstations available, so it's first-come, first-served.
Tyler and James dither a little bit, while KanDustin immediately chooses Grind It. As they leave, Tyler and James ask what they're doing. Dustin tells them they're going to Grind It. Tyler says he and James are going to Throw It. "Have fun," Dustin tosses out, and they're off. Once they're in the car, Tyler and James realize that "throwing" pots means to make them, not hurl them. Heh. Part of me wishes they'd arrived at the Detour before figuring that out. About a 99% part. Dustin says "Sistas" again. Gaaah! Speaking of whom, Lyn and Karlyn pull up to the cafe. Tyler and James are still there, trying to decide what to do. The pots sound too hard, so they change their minds and head for Grind It. Lyn and Karlyn get the clue. Karlyn used to be an art major, and says that throwing pots isn't easy. They go for Grind It. Pointless strategy blah from all the teams except RoKi, who's busy standing back, watching kind-hearted locals change the tire for them. KanDustin passes them on their way back, and guess what? They don't stop and outline for RoKi exactly where they need to go. OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! How dare they not let everyone pass them in order to help the team who openly despises, yet "uses" them? Tyler and James do pause to give their fellow Plastics some general directions. Karlyn's pleased to be far ahead of RoKi.
RoKi (by which I mean everyone present except RoKi) finishes changing the tire, and they head for the cafe. They also initially choose Throw It, and quickly change their minds. Yeah, nobody wants to throw pots. It's too easy to screw that up. KanDustin hopes they're going the right way. Tyler thinks KanDustin's game has slipped a little this leg (which I'd agree with), but James warns against underestimating them. Lyn and Karlyn are pleased with how they're doing, Karlyn spouting the titular quote. She giggles. RoKi frets. James hopes that they can find the Detour, and that KanDustin will overshoot it. His prayers are answered. KanDustin overshoots it. They stop and figure out that they need to turn around, but Tyler and James have already found the Detour, with Lyn and Karlyn right behind them. Both teams get started. There's not much to say about the task itself. Team members walk in circles. Riveting! RoKi and KanDustin are nervous. Lyn/Karlyn/Tyler/James grind. Ew, not like that, perv. And next to find the Detour is...RoKi! Man, KanDustin must have really overshot. RoKi gets started on the olive-grinding, so when KanDustin finally arrives, there are no workstations. They're upset, and give us a rousing chorus of "Poor Us, We're Out of It".
Commercials. Wow, a movie centered around football, starring Matthew McBlahBlahBlah? Sign me up! To do anything but see this movie!
KanDustin knows they're in big trouble now. One of them says that she has no idea how this happened. Hmm, could it have been because you drove for a really long time in the wrong direction? Tyler and James fill some pressing sleeves, and get about three done before Lyn and Karlyn start filling theirs. Lyn and Karlyn are naturally pleased with being ahead of the girls who Yielded them, as anyone would be. Tyler and James finish filling their bags, and KanDustin springs into action. They start hauling the wheelbarrow of olives over to the empty mill. Tyler and James rip the clue that sends them to the pitstop, a nomadic Berber camp 25 miles away. It's off the main road, but the way is marked by a small rock with a red and yellow flag painted on it. Lyn and Karlyn finish up before Tyler and James are gone. Both teams head for the pitstop. Lyn and Karlyn are deservedly thrilled about overcoming the Yield. Of course, they have to ruin it by putting it down to bad karma biting KanDustin in the ass. If people build up bad karma by actually attempting to win the games they play, I should stop going to Chrisngnat's for Cheapass game night.
RoKi and KanDustin grind their olives. RoKi finishes first, of course. The lead teams drive. Karlyn bitches about KanDustin some more, like, can she find another topic for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES? RoKi wraps up their olives (literally! ba-dum-bump), and gets the pitstop clue. KanDustin keeps working. RoKi drives. KanDustin finishes. Tyler and James spot the roadside marker. They pull over and jog down the road in high spirits. They're almost to the mat when the editors insert an honest-to-goodness scratching record sound. James remembers he's left the good luck charm in the car, and they run back to get it. As they do so, Lyn and Karlyn arrive and head for the mat. Tyler and James are obviously faster, so Lyn and Karlyn are again hosed by a footrace. Tyler and James check in as team number one, plus their good luck charm matches the greeter's. For that, they win some phone/organizer/internet doohickey. Lyn and Karlyn check in as team number two. KanDustin correctly surmises that people are putting their placement down to bad karma. "There's no bad karma in a game!" Kandice says. "You do what you do to win." Amen, sister. RoKi gets a bit lost, as they do. Both teams drive intensely. The music throbs intensely. Who will make it to the pitstop next? Whooooo? Well, it's RoKi, unsurprisingly. They check in as team number three.
KanDustin clutches hands and profess their love for one another as they approach the mat. They check in, and are told that they're the last to arrive. But wait! This is the last non-elimination point in the race! KanDustin is still in it! As with David and Mary, if they don't come in first place next week, it's an automatic thirty-minute penalty. Phil tells them that they're a real threat to win the race, and all the other teams would love to see them gone. They smilingly agree. Dustin says that you can't make everyone happy in this type of situation, and they both love that the other teams will go crazy when they see that KanDustin hasn't been eliminated. No kidding. Man, I wish I could see that.
Next week on The Amazing Race: RoKi stresses out again. Karlyn runs out of other people to bitch at, and turns on Lyn. People throw tomatoes at RoKi. Heh, that's probably not even part of the race. Kimberly freaks out and possibly abandons a task.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on The Amazing Race: The back half of a double leg. The teams went to Kiev, where the Prom Court led the pack for the entire episode. After some uneventful tank-driving, teams raced off to the funniest Detour ever. Lyn and Karlyn leaped off of the sinking Underdog ship just in time, but there were no more lifeboats for Erwin and Godwin. Four teams remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Sarah, the way to escape him is to pedal in the other direction.
Kiev, Ukraine. Phil gives us his opening blather in front of a statue that appears to be telling us that the field goal is good. Tyler and James are off the mat first at 7:33 AM. Their clue tells them to head for Ouarzazate, Morocco. Ouarzazate would be a good name for a cat. Sorry, I'm on a sugar high from polishing off the last of my Girl Scout cookies, so I'm a bit loopy right now. Whee! Once in Morocco, teams will drive themselves about four miles and find a specific antique shop. There are four good luck charms there, and each team will pick one up, because one of them will lead to a super-special prize at the pitstop. Tyler and James hope to knock KanDustin out of the race, because they're such fierce competitors. Wait, not because they don't "deserve" to be there or because they're such horrible bitches? You actually want them gone for the right reasons? That's so refreshing! Speaking of KanDustin, they leave the mat at 7:41 AM. Dustin tells Kandice that she wrote a paper in college about Morocco. That'll come in handy! Snerk. I'm not trying to belittle her; I still whine about the time my chemistry class had to pick elements out of a jar to write a long paper about, and Lady Fortune saw fit to make me draw tin. Not that that's the most boring element ever. Aaaaaaanyway, KanDustin would really like to win.
Tyler and James pull over and ask a cab to lead them to the airport. RoKi leaves the mat at 8:19 AM. Rob says that the race is helping him "grow", and that he sometimes needs to breathe and calm down. Kimberly agrees, saying he needs to know that he can't control everything. I don't quite understand the Reformation of Rob arc here, because she can get just as hysterical as he does. Sometimes even more so. Whatever. KanDustin gets to the airport, and finds a flight that connects through Milan, and gets into Casablanca at 3:00 PM. The layover is practically nil, so it'll be tough to catch that second plane. They decide to risk it. Tyler and James arrive, and are confounded by the fact that KanDustin beat them there. They ask about flights, and are told that KanDustin's is full. They wander off to find another flight, and KanDustin asks the agent about getting to Ouarzazate. Turns out there's only one flight there, at 10:55 PM. So, wait. If there's only one flight out of Casablanca, KanDustin could go get different tickets, right? Ones that aren't such a high risk of missing the connecting flight? They know they'll have no time advantage over other teams anyway, and yet they never try to find a safer way there. Odd.
Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 9:08 AM. The teams don't get any money for this leg. Eat it, suckas! Lyn and Karlyn joke about what language Moroccans speak, and find it strange that they're the last surviving members of the Underdogs. Man, no kidding. I fully expected Lyn and Karlyn to be eliminated within the first three episodes. Though they (meaning Karlyn) can be thoroughly annoying people, I really should give them props for that. Lyn says that they're fully ready to compete as an individual team, rather than as part of an alliance. RoKi arrives at the airport. They meet up with Tyler and James, and find out about a flight connecting through Paris that gets into Casablanca at 4:35 PM. KanDustin approaches, and asks what tickets the Plastics got. Rob, looking to cause a little mischief, tells them they're getting into Casablanca at 1:00 PM. He interviews that KanDustin races with a "certain amount of arrogance", so he presumably wants to knock them down a peg. And what, you ask, is Kandice's "arrogant" reaction upon learning that they might not have a lead anymore? "We should get on that flight, D. We thought we were doing so good." OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! The nerve of them to try and step up their game! Rob lets them in on the fact that they've been hoodwinked, and they laugh it off.
KanDustin's flight takes off. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the airport. They also find the tickets through Paris, but won't get into Casablanca until 10:00 PM. Eh, doesn't matter. They'll still be able to catch the 10:55 to Ouarzazate. The second flight takes off. At 11:45 AM, KanDustin's flight lands in Milan. Dustin tells the camera that technically, the cutoff for checking into their connecting flight was five minutes ago. Indeed, the agent tells them that they won't be allowed to board. They try to beg their way on, but the agent shortly tells them that the flight is closed. KanDustin stomps off, talking about how bitchy the agent was. Which, yeah she was, but it isn't her fault they didn't get there in time. Graciously accept the consequences of your (pointless) risk, KanDustin. The other teams land in Paris at 1:20 PM. The Plastics hop onto their connecting flight. As Lyn and Karlyn wait out their layover, they pore over a very detailed map, working out their route for once they get to Morocco. Smart thinking, ladies. And wow, that map is huge. The Plastics land in Casablanca and pick up their final set of tickets on the 10:55 PM flight to Ouarzazate. They have no idea where KanDustin is. Lyn and Karlyn are next to arrive in Casablanca at 10:00 PM. Finally, KanDustin arrives. What time is it? I don't know. How did they finally get out of Milan, and what time was it then? Your guess is as good as mine. Everyone is shocked that KanDustin is on the plane, for some unfathomable reason. Rob says that he was "literally crushed". Arrrgh! He was hoping KanDustin's stupid risk would bite them in the ass.
Ouarzazate, Morocco. KanDustin comes out of the airport and pays a cab driver to lead them to the antique shop. The Plastics jump in their cars and decide to follow KanDustin, while Lyn and Karlyn stick to their map. In the RoKi car, Rob decides, even as he's following KanDustin, that he's "over" them. Yeah, those people you're hoping do your work for you want to be, like, in first place and stuff. OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! Rob, once you're done learning how to "breathe" and "calm down", can gaining a nugget of self-awareness be next on the list? The cab driver everyone's following pulls over on the side of a street, and the driver gets out. Looks like he doesn't know the way to the shop. KanDustin hops out of the car to ask for directions. Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn pull right up to the shop. OK, that was awesome. They snag one of the good luck charms, and the man behind the counter hands over the next clue. It tells them to drive six miles to Atlas Studios, which was used as the background in Cleopatra and Gladiator. Oh, and "Caution: Yield Ahead". Phil explains the Yield's rules, which haven't changed, and which I still detest.
Lyn and Karlyn hurriedly drive away from the shop, and Karlyn's excited about using the Yield. Not using it at all isn't an option, apparently. They really want to stick it to someone. I can't imagine who they'd like to Yield. They certainly don't dislike any of these other teams, especially one that rhymes with DanKustin. Speaking of whom, they're still working on getting directions, as the Plastics laughingly agree to just let them do all the work, then follow them. Well, of course. No wonder Rob disapproves of KanDustin's racing style, since his is so noble. Lyn and Karlyn pass the other teams, and Tyler laughs that they have no idea what they're doing. Burn! They pull over and find a local to help them find Atlas Studios. Dramatic music kicks in as more and more guys approach the teams waiting for directions. KanDustin gets nervous and gets back into their car, and the Plastics take off. They're playing it up like KanDustin's about to get gang raped, which is a little unfair. They eventually figure out that the guys are pretty harmless, and get a local to join them and show them where the shop is.
Elsewhere, RoKi is doing the same thing. The Plastics make it to the shop first, and when they see that one of the good luck charms is gone, they automatically assume that KanDustin was the team to take it. Hehehehe. They get their charms and clues, and head for the studio. Karlyn has decided that KanDustin is definitely the team she wants to Yield. I'm shocked! KanDustin has run into some bad luck. The local they've got with them hasn't led them to the shop, and they're a bit lost. Rut roh! James hopes he and Tyler aren't Yielded. KanDustin finds the shop in last place, and are surprised that "the Sistas" found it. Seriously, KanDustin? Stop it. Now. Oof, it's like a knife in my ear every time I hear it. So of course Dustin says it again. Arrrgh! Lyn and Karlyn cackle over being able to Yield KanDustin, saying "what goes around, comes around". There's that curious morality again! But I'm sure this is the last time that Lyn and Karlyn will vilify someone else for behavior that they consider perfectly acceptable in themselves. And even if it's not, I'm certain that such blatant hypocrisy won't occur in the next ten minutes.
Commercials. I'm all for women having whatever birth control they want, but perhaps this lady should hold off bitching about the daily pill. Have you been keeping up with this administration, lady? You should be glad it's even legal.
Lyn is cautiously excited. KanDustin is nervous. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the studios, and learn that it doesn't open until 8 AM. Whaaaaaa? OK, I'm all for equalizing points, be it due to flights or hours of operation. If people were just allowed to race and race and race, then someone would no doubt get way out in front, and the entire show would be boring. Also, Lyn and Karlyn are going to be on my shitlist very, very soon. That said? This is total bullshit. It is blatantly unfair to equalize everyone right before the Yield, because it renders all the advantages of racing well this leg pointless. Not only that, but it turns this entire Yield into a mini-footrace. Lyn and Karlyn raced their asses off to get here in first place, and it sucks that they now have to outrun young, athletic people (like that'll happen) to get anything out of it. Bleh. Very poor planning here. Lyn and Karlyn are justifiably pissed. The Plastics pull up, and are shocked to see that Lyn and Karlyn have beat them there. KanDustin arrives in last, and hopes that they'll be able to pull themselves together the next day. Sleepytime for all.
Morning. At 8:00, the gates open, and the teams all run in a straight shot to the Yield. Let's get this shit over with. Tyler and James get there first and don't use the Yield. RoKi doesn't use the Yield. KanDustin Yields Lyn and Karlyn. This is such crap. The overall situation is such crap, that is. Yielding Lyn and Karlyn is pretty much KanDustin's only chance to pick up some time right now, so they acted wisely, even though this should never have happened. Tyler and James reach the cluebox. Roadblock! The chosen team member will join a professional charioteer, and race around a dirt track. Each horse has a colored plume, and the Roadblocker will need to pull down two flags with the corresponding color on their way around. Once they've got the flags, they'll get the next clue. That's pretty neat. James takes the Roadblock, as does Rob. Good choice. He reminds us that Kimberly and horses don't exactly get along. There's a black and white flashback for the forgetful. Dustin takes the Roadblock. Lyn and Karlyn flip the Yield hourglass over. KanDustin thanks Tyler for not Yielding them. Hey, yeah! Why didn't they? Weird. Kandice reiterates to the camera that they had to Yield Lyn and Karlyn. I still agree. And how does Karlyn feel about being Yielded? "Well, you know I already hated them, so... I expected it, because it's typical of something they would do. They've shown no character at all in this game. That's on them to live with. They have to live with that. I can go home at night and go right to sleep." Yep, when Lyn and Karlyn were going to Yield KanDustin, it was perfectly fine. They even admitted that they were going to do so for personal reasons. However, when KanDustin Yields them? OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! Shut the fuck up, Karlyn.
The Roadblockers get into what can only be called period garb for their task. Dustin hops on the horse with the purple plumes, James gets blue, and Rob gets red. The crowd the show asked to stand around and cheer does so with admirable zeal. James' horse takes off in the wrong direction, and he yells at it. Heh. I'm not sure a Moroccan horse is going to take guff from a guy who calls everyone "bro". Lyn and Karlyn watch. Karlyn hopes doing the task by herself will be easier than trying to do it with a bunch of other horses on the track. It's a distinct possibility. One of the chariots crashes spectacularly. The charioteers spill out, and a wheel goes spinning off by itself, which is, of course, the law of the universe. Kandice is worried about who was riding in it, but Tyler realizes that it was staged "movie stuff". Kimberly wonders what it'd be like (read: secretly wishes) if an actual racer fell like that. The carts round a curve to dramatic music. Dustin grabs her first flag. Rob snags one, too. James reaches out for his, but misses it by a country mile. Lyn and Karlyn watch sourly. The Roadblockers come around a bend. Dustin gets her second flag, as does Rob. James manages to pull his first. Rob and Dustin's chariots pull over. As KanDustin passes back by Lyn and Karlyn, Karlyn shoots them the middle finger. Classy. Lyn tells her not to do that; that it's ugly. Karlyn apologizes. To Lyn, that is. Dustin tells Kandice about the finger, taking yet another opportunity to call Lyn and Karlyn the Sistas. That alone warrants the finger.
RoKi rips the clue. It tells them to drive 22 miles to the town of Idelssan, and find the Cafe Pirgola, where the next cluebox will be waiting. ANOTHER "Sistas". Urrrgh! After reading their own clue, KanDustin asks RoKi if they want to work with them to find the cafe faster. They agree, and Rob interviews that he doesn't trust KanDustin, but it's handy to "use" them once in a while. James yanks his second flag. Just as he starts to pull over, the sand runs out on the Yield. Karlyn takes the Roadblock. Again, Rob insults KanDustin (calling their use of the Yield "crappy", which...NOT) even as he lets them do his work for him. I never thought I'd see the day that the requisite muscly, white, straight boys would be the most self-aware team left. Yet here we are. As Karlyn gets ready to do the Roadblock, Lyn tells the camera that it's "interesting that everybody finds us a threat." She continues by saying that it was "stupid on [KanDustin's] part", because KanDustin shouldn't want to race in the final three with teams that are as physically fit as they. Good thinking, Lyn! KanDustin should have totally Yielded that other team that was behind them! You know, the invisible one! Dumbass. Tyler and James rip their clue, and arrange for a taxi to lead them to the cafe.
Karlyn takes the green-plumed horses, and gets started. Lyn thinks Karlyn being pissed from the Yield will spur her on to do better. Hey, maybe that's why Lyn and Karlyn are in the final four. Karlyn's always pissed. She grabs her first flag. Lyn notes that they're really not that far behind. RoKi and KanDustin have stopped for directions, and Tyler and James pass them. They soon form a little convoy. Karlyn gets her second flag. Lyn thinks that Karlyn got her flags more quickly than the other teams did. They rip their clue, and hop into the car.
The cab driver that James and Tyler have hired doesn't want to go the whole way to Idelssan, so he points them in the right direction, then ditches. Weird-ass cabbie. It's only 22 miles. The bad car luck that seems to follow RoKi everywhere they go strikes again, and they get a flat tire. KanDustin notes it gleefully. Lyn and Karlyn pull over and talk someone into riding with them to Idelssan. Kimberly says that Lyn and Karlyn tend to be very good with directions, so it's crucial to not get lost on this drive. KanDustin passes RoKi, and calls out the window to them that they've got a flat. Rob pulls over. Kimberly, anticipating his hissyfit, tries to cut him off at the pass by telling him not to freak out. He starts to anyway. Lyn and Karlyn's passenger also doesn't want to go with them the whole way. Is Idelssan haunted or something? They drop him off, and he points the way.
A frustrated RoKi begins to change their tire. Karlyn says that while they've never come in first, they keep hanging in there, so there must be a higher power that wants them in the race. Yeah, God loves people who flick others off because they're beating them in a competition. Rob can't find a jack in their car. Weird. You'd think it'd have one. Lyn and Karlyn pass by, and say that they're not going to help RoKi out. Because they're in a race, and it's perfectly acceptable not to assist your direct competition? No, don't be silly. It's because RoKi didn't have the good sense to Yield KanDustin. You know, I've been watching my share of reality television this season, and I can pretty confidently say that Lyn and Karlyn will be taking home the coveted Most Undeservedly Self-Entitled crown. Rob has now discovered that the car does, indeed, have a jack, but he can't pull it out of its panel. Yeah, that's not bad luck. That's just ineptitude.
Commercials. Yes, when I think of spreading love and peace throughout the world, GAP certainly springs to mind.
RoKi manages to flag down a passing motorist, who agrees to pull over and let them use his jack. Meanwhile, the Prom Court finds the cafe and the cluebox. Two random guys are standing nearby, playing instruments. I assume they were there to provide some local color, but we barely see them, so they just wind up looking like, well, two random guys. Detour! Throw It or Grind It. In Throw It, teams have to drive four miles to another town, find a marked pottery shop, and throw two properly-made pots. Once an artisan approves the pots, they'll get the next clue. In Grind It, teams travel four miles back towards Ouarzazate, and find a horse ranch/olive farm. Once there, the team has to use an olive mill (a big grindstone worked by walking in a circle) to grind 77 pounds of olives. Once the olives are ground and put into pressing sleeves, they'll get the next clue. Both Detour options have three workstations available, so it's first-come, first-served.
Tyler and James dither a little bit, while KanDustin immediately chooses Grind It. As they leave, Tyler and James ask what they're doing. Dustin tells them they're going to Grind It. Tyler says he and James are going to Throw It. "Have fun," Dustin tosses out, and they're off. Once they're in the car, Tyler and James realize that "throwing" pots means to make them, not hurl them. Heh. Part of me wishes they'd arrived at the Detour before figuring that out. About a 99% part. Dustin says "Sistas" again. Gaaah! Speaking of whom, Lyn and Karlyn pull up to the cafe. Tyler and James are still there, trying to decide what to do. The pots sound too hard, so they change their minds and head for Grind It. Lyn and Karlyn get the clue. Karlyn used to be an art major, and says that throwing pots isn't easy. They go for Grind It. Pointless strategy blah from all the teams except RoKi, who's busy standing back, watching kind-hearted locals change the tire for them. KanDustin passes them on their way back, and guess what? They don't stop and outline for RoKi exactly where they need to go. OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! How dare they not let everyone pass them in order to help the team who openly despises, yet "uses" them? Tyler and James do pause to give their fellow Plastics some general directions. Karlyn's pleased to be far ahead of RoKi.
RoKi (by which I mean everyone present except RoKi) finishes changing the tire, and they head for the cafe. They also initially choose Throw It, and quickly change their minds. Yeah, nobody wants to throw pots. It's too easy to screw that up. KanDustin hopes they're going the right way. Tyler thinks KanDustin's game has slipped a little this leg (which I'd agree with), but James warns against underestimating them. Lyn and Karlyn are pleased with how they're doing, Karlyn spouting the titular quote. She giggles. RoKi frets. James hopes that they can find the Detour, and that KanDustin will overshoot it. His prayers are answered. KanDustin overshoots it. They stop and figure out that they need to turn around, but Tyler and James have already found the Detour, with Lyn and Karlyn right behind them. Both teams get started. There's not much to say about the task itself. Team members walk in circles. Riveting! RoKi and KanDustin are nervous. Lyn/Karlyn/Tyler/James grind. Ew, not like that, perv. And next to find the Detour is...RoKi! Man, KanDustin must have really overshot. RoKi gets started on the olive-grinding, so when KanDustin finally arrives, there are no workstations. They're upset, and give us a rousing chorus of "Poor Us, We're Out of It".
Commercials. Wow, a movie centered around football, starring Matthew McBlahBlahBlah? Sign me up! To do anything but see this movie!
KanDustin knows they're in big trouble now. One of them says that she has no idea how this happened. Hmm, could it have been because you drove for a really long time in the wrong direction? Tyler and James fill some pressing sleeves, and get about three done before Lyn and Karlyn start filling theirs. Lyn and Karlyn are naturally pleased with being ahead of the girls who Yielded them, as anyone would be. Tyler and James finish filling their bags, and KanDustin springs into action. They start hauling the wheelbarrow of olives over to the empty mill. Tyler and James rip the clue that sends them to the pitstop, a nomadic Berber camp 25 miles away. It's off the main road, but the way is marked by a small rock with a red and yellow flag painted on it. Lyn and Karlyn finish up before Tyler and James are gone. Both teams head for the pitstop. Lyn and Karlyn are deservedly thrilled about overcoming the Yield. Of course, they have to ruin it by putting it down to bad karma biting KanDustin in the ass. If people build up bad karma by actually attempting to win the games they play, I should stop going to Chrisngnat's for Cheapass game night.
RoKi and KanDustin grind their olives. RoKi finishes first, of course. The lead teams drive. Karlyn bitches about KanDustin some more, like, can she find another topic for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES? RoKi wraps up their olives (literally! ba-dum-bump), and gets the pitstop clue. KanDustin keeps working. RoKi drives. KanDustin finishes. Tyler and James spot the roadside marker. They pull over and jog down the road in high spirits. They're almost to the mat when the editors insert an honest-to-goodness scratching record sound. James remembers he's left the good luck charm in the car, and they run back to get it. As they do so, Lyn and Karlyn arrive and head for the mat. Tyler and James are obviously faster, so Lyn and Karlyn are again hosed by a footrace. Tyler and James check in as team number one, plus their good luck charm matches the greeter's. For that, they win some phone/organizer/internet doohickey. Lyn and Karlyn check in as team number two. KanDustin correctly surmises that people are putting their placement down to bad karma. "There's no bad karma in a game!" Kandice says. "You do what you do to win." Amen, sister. RoKi gets a bit lost, as they do. Both teams drive intensely. The music throbs intensely. Who will make it to the pitstop next? Whooooo? Well, it's RoKi, unsurprisingly. They check in as team number three.
KanDustin clutches hands and profess their love for one another as they approach the mat. They check in, and are told that they're the last to arrive. But wait! This is the last non-elimination point in the race! KanDustin is still in it! As with David and Mary, if they don't come in first place next week, it's an automatic thirty-minute penalty. Phil tells them that they're a real threat to win the race, and all the other teams would love to see them gone. They smilingly agree. Dustin says that you can't make everyone happy in this type of situation, and they both love that the other teams will go crazy when they see that KanDustin hasn't been eliminated. No kidding. Man, I wish I could see that.
Next week on The Amazing Race: RoKi stresses out again. Karlyn runs out of other people to bitch at, and turns on Lyn. People throw tomatoes at RoKi. Heh, that's probably not even part of the race. Kimberly freaks out and possibly abandons a task.
Overall Grade: B-
The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model
America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 12
CariDee wins. In equally surprising news, the sun rose in the east today.
First, the girls go for their traditional Cover Girl photo and commercial. Eugena does quite well, but since the producers don't want her in the final two, she's cut for the mysterious "not wanting it enough" reason, which the judges unpack anytime they need to make a bogus elimination. Same goes for "losing her spark". It's down to Melrose and CariDee in the final runway walk in creepy bride outfits. Melrose is typically neurotic and typically competent, while CariDee is typically spazzy and winds up kind of sucking. Not that it matters in the least, since CariDee has been the obvious winner for about three weeks now.
CariDee wins. In equally surprising news, the sun rose in the east today.
First, the girls go for their traditional Cover Girl photo and commercial. Eugena does quite well, but since the producers don't want her in the final two, she's cut for the mysterious "not wanting it enough" reason, which the judges unpack anytime they need to make a bogus elimination. Same goes for "losing her spark". It's down to Melrose and CariDee in the final runway walk in creepy bride outfits. Melrose is typically neurotic and typically competent, while CariDee is typically spazzy and winds up kind of sucking. Not that it matters in the least, since CariDee has been the obvious winner for about three weeks now.
The Girl Who Grates
America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 11
Dancing. Melrose goes a bit mental, and everyone hates her. The girls are forced to pair off and take a picture in a pool of freezing water, which reduces CariDee to a quivering mess. Everyone's shot looks fairly good, but Michelle sacrificed herself for naught, as her sister joins her in Loserville.
Dancing. Melrose goes a bit mental, and everyone hates her. The girls are forced to pair off and take a picture in a pool of freezing water, which reduces CariDee to a quivering mess. Everyone's shot looks fairly good, but Michelle sacrificed herself for naught, as her sister joins her in Loserville.
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