All Dolled Up

Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 3

Previously on Project Runway: The designers took the very clothes they were wearing to create their next look. Andrae's ratty old clothes were apparently more symbolic than Moby Dick, while Santino described his drive and ego as "competing against [himself]". Well, then I'm sure he won't engage in any completely unnecessary attacks against designers who have never done him any harm. Zulema "never cuts unless [she's] certain", but forgot to add "that my haste will wind up leaving my model's ass hanging in the wind". Andrae cried like someone had just run over his puppy. Chloe won the challenge, which Santino failed to understand in his little world where only Santino wins things. Despite Andrae's mental breakdown over his fugly dress, Kirsten went bye-bye. Damn. Thirteen designers remain. Who will be "out" tonight?

Opening credits. Zulema will do "whatever it takes to win." I wasn't aware being a cantankerous bitch was a prerequisite for victory in fashion competitions. I'll make a note of it.

At the Atlas, Diana tries to get Chloe up and out of bed. Wakey, wakey eggs and bakey! As Chloe interviews that winning the previous challenge was a nice validation, we see Kirsten's good-bye note on the blackboard, with little cartoon sketches of her, Diana, and Chloe. Aw. Chloe takes this moment to remember Kirsten fondly by saying she deserved her elimination. Really? Over Andrae? OK, Chloe. Meanwhile, in the Room From Hell, Kara tells Guadalupe (hereinafter Lupe) that she thinks they need to switch rooms around. Lupe non-sequiturs that Kara has a lot of nervous tension. What's funny is that she says, "You just have a lot of nervous tension, and like it's, it's, it's, exuuuuding out, and I don't think you're handling things in a way that's appropriate." You know how that sounded, Lupe? Nervous and tense. Kara says as much, saying that Lupe is projecting her own tension onto Kara. Lupe: "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'VE BEEN A NERVOUS WRECK!?!?!?!?" Well...yes, dear. Travel back in time 4 milliseconds if you don't believe me. Lupe's such an ass. Plus, where did that whole fight come from? I pity poor Marla having to live in that room.

In another room, Santino is making fun of Andrae for crying on the runway, as well he should. Andrae seems to take it in stride, which is nice, but ruins anything he had going for him by interviewing that he doesn't want to cry on the runway, because it makes him appear weak. No, what it makes him appear as is a drama queen. The judges don't care that you feel strongly about your clothing. The judges care that you can't make a simple statement without going on and on about how your jacket has such meaning because it reminds you of your Aunt Tillie or whatever. He truly doesn't get it. Nick says something weird about fags taking a long time to get ready. Maybe you, princess. This fag can get up and out the door in twenty minutes if need be.

The designers gather at the runway, and Heidi comes out to greet them. She tells them their next challenge is going to be to design an outfit for a very important fashion icon. Tim Gunn will take them to meet her. Time to choose models! Now, this is very weird. They bring out the winning (Grace) and losing (Melissa) designer's model, and have Chloe choose between them. If she chooses Grace, Melissa is eliminated. Fair enough. If she chooses neither model, all of the others come out, and Chloe will pick from them. Also fair enough. But does this mean that if Chloe picks Melissa, that Grace is eliminated? Even after she won the last challenge for Chloe? That seems odd and unfair. It's never explicitly stated that things would work that way, but it seems to be implied. Disturbing. Chloe picks Grace, thank goodness. Bye, Melissa! Heidi takes off. The designers debate in the workroom about who the icon is going to be. Tim enters and tells them that he's taking them to the icon's house. Off they go! They walk down the street. Andrae runs into a cloud of pigeons because nobody's paying attention to him. They wind up in Times Square. Nick despairs that he should have worn a better outfit. Why, so he can impress the hookers? Tim tells them they'll be going into Toys R Us. Oooh, I know who the icon is now! Pick me! The designers still haven't caught the snap, but their doubts are removed as they approach the section devoted to Barbie.

Tim introduces everyone to Lily, a designer with Mattel. She has wonky teeth. She tells them they'll be working with "My Scene" Barbie, which is apparently different from regular Barbie in that she's for an older girl who "aspires to be a teenager." How do you "aspire" to be a teenager? You just become one. It's not really something you accomplish. Anyway, the point is that these Barbies are Mattel's answer to Bratz. My answer to Bratz is "fuck off". God, I hate those things.

So the challenge is to design a life-sized outfit that captures the spirit of this Barbie as a hip-happenin' trendsetter. Everyone's excited. Tim tells them that there are thirteen actual Barbies set there, one for each designer, and that it will act as their muse. Since all the Barbies already embody something Barbieish, it of course makes no difference which doll winds up with which designer, not that they understand this. Everyone makes a mad, grabbing dash for the dolls. Only Chloe realizes that the final design is about a general Barbie ideal, not about the individual doll. Tim confirms this back at the workroom. He realizes that Kara isn't present. Where is she? She's back at Toys R Us, trying to track down her Barbie's hat, which has fallen down the side of the escalator. Oh, for God's sake. Designers have imagination. Just picture a hat on her! I'm doing it right now, and I'm about as creative as a lima bean! Kara hassles various workers to extricate her stupid doll's stupid hat from the stupid escalator. I'd have told her to just go back to the Barbie section and switch her doll for one with a damn hat, but no. People are frantically trying to retrieve the fucking thing. Kara's nuts. I'm still on her side about the whole Lupe thing, though.

After the commercials, Tim tells everyone (except the still absent Kara) that they have thirty minutes to sketch their design before they go shopping for supplies. People discuss various ideas. Emmett robotically interviews that he wants his outfit to be "frivolous". I kind of want to prick Emmett with a safety pin, just to prove he's human, so I'm not sure he could capture frivolity if his life (or whatever the android equivalent is) depended on it. Raymundo interviews that he's sick of little girls trying to be more grown up than they are, so his idea is for the doll to look like she's imitating her mother. OK, I totally agree with him on the sexualization of little girls these days, and how gross it is. I don't want to appear unsympathetic to his point of view. But wow, is he ever picking the polar opposite of what the challenge is. Lily specifically told the designers that "My Scene" Barbie is a hip, trendsetting, pre-teen. Raymundo is completely ignoring that description. Bad move.

Kara finally gets her stupid hat and goes back to the workroom. She doesn't have as much time to sketch as the others, but manages to get some ideas down. Everyone heads to the fabric store with $150 for supplies. Tim tells Andrae he looks a little "disabled" by choosing swatches. Andrae's response represents everything that's obnoxious about him: He says that he's overwhelmed, that there are a lot of choices, and that "not only do I have to pull this together in 45 minutes, but I have to assess what's there." See that? See how he took the statement "I am shopping for fabric" and dressed it up as this gigantic ordeal so that people would feel sorry for him? See how he tries to complicate the simplest of tasks? I hate people like that with a fiery passion. I'm going to have to work extra hard to judge Andrae's outfits with objectivity, not only because I'm tainted by my own bias against him, but because I'm quite confident that he will never be able to offer a simple explanation of his design motives. Um...so anyway, people buy fabric! Kara is flustery and the last one finished, of course. She is such a flake. How come she's not bothering me as much as Andrae? It must be the accent.

Back in the workroom, everyone starts on their garments. Nick says his Barbie is giving him a kind of Telemundo vibe. OK, then. Chloe says that every girl likes pink. I'm glad she threw that "girl" qualifier in there, because ew. Diana has found a very pretty red fabric with circular holes in it. She's creating a dress with a large hood that can be pulled down and styled as a collar. That's so cool! I love Diana. Santino's got a lot of beautiful blue and purple fabric swirling around. He says that he feels like a failure if he's not the best. OK, there's driven, and there's setting yourself up for a very disappointing life. Dial it back a bit, dude. Diana suggests to Daniel that he simplify his dress so he doesn't run out of time. Nick's advising Marla on her dress, while Chloe offers unhelpful comments like "It won't be pretty there, Marla. It'll just show you're not good at draping." Wow, bitch. Marla takes it with a grain of salt, because she knows it's true. She's nervous because she's self-taught, and thus not as trained and experienced as the other designers. Chloe interviews that you don't belong in the competition if you don't know how to put a garment together. Ouch again. At least this time it was in an interview and not to Marla's face. Chloe does make up for it some as she gives Marla a quick and dirty lesson. In news completely unrelated to her skill as a designer, Marla sure is pretty.

With two and half hours left in the day, Tim checks in. Raymundo shows him the burlap-type fabric that he's making the jacket out of. It's ugly. Tim expresses his concern about it. Raymundo again misses the point of the challenge by saying that little girls shouldn't try to look so grown up. Yes, but you're not the client, Raymundo. Sigh. Chloe's got a pink dress with holes cut through it, which she says she's going to skimp up to make it look more youthful (see, Raymundo?), and run some hot pink ribbon through it. Tim tells Marla she's got potential, but the dress isn't up to snuff. He takes his leave with an hour and fifteen minutes left in the day. If he's leaving, who kicks the designers out on time? You know Daniel would design all night if you let him.

Commercials. The designers return to the workroom for Day 2, in which they have ten hours. That's quite a bit longer than the usual Day 2. Lily is there, and tells them that she'd like the designers to replicate their design in miniature for the dolls they have. Oh, that explains some of the extra time. Also, there's an actual prize for winning this challenge, which is nice. The winning design will be sold in limited quantities with the designer's name and picture on the box. Very cool. Raymundo's excited about the prize. Not to be overly cruel, but let's not get our hopes up for winning this one, Raymundo. Lily leaves, and everyone gets to work. Marla's frustrated about the time taken away from her main outfit that she has to work on the miniature. Understandable, but since Day 2 is five times longer than usual, one hopes she can manage.

In the sewing room, Santino trashes Marla to other designers in the room. What is with this vitriol against Marla? I get that she's not as talented as some of these other people, but does that really necessitate the constant ragging on her? Cripes. Marla enters soon after, and messes up something on a sewing machine. OK, we get it. Marla's not technically proficient. Consider it gotten. In the other room, Daniel works on a lovely red and black dress that looks absolutely nothing like what a pre-teen would wear. A woman in Daniel's dress would be ready to host a cocktail party. Why don't some of these designers understand the challenge? It seems perfectly clear cut. We also see that Daniel likes to make a change, walk a few feet away, look at the dress, and walk back, which the other designers note as the Daniel Franco Shuffle. Chloe shrugs it off, saying whatever works for him is fine. Danzzz interviews that Daniel should be able to make a change and move on. Hope you enjoyed that snippet of Danzzz, since that's the first and last we'll hear from him this episode, aside from a "What's up, Tim?". What a snoozer.

Tim comes back when there are a few hours left. He compliments Nick, and explicitly tells Raymundo that his outfit looks too grown up, and that he should resolve that. I heave another great sigh for Raymundo, because he just doesn't understand. Kara gets praise from Tim, though he tells her to lose the doofy trim at the neckline (good idea), while Andrae gets a "wow" for his poofy, ballooned skirt. Tim pulls Andrae aside and tells him that he was concerned about his behavior on the runway in the last challenge. I'm glad to see him being admonished rather than encouraged, like you know he would be if he were being counseled by Tyra. Tim nails it when he tells Andrae that his emotional outburst seemed like a contrivance. Ten bucks says Andrae has absolutely no idea what "contrivance" means. I'm backed up by the fact that Andrae repeats that he doesn't want to appear vulnerable by crying. Oh, there goes Tim's point, down the drain. Seriously, Andrae. Look up "contrivance". Actually, here. I'll save you the trouble. Andrae completely dismisses Tim's advice, because he's a dumbass. Everyone wraps up their work for the day.

In the evening, Santino takes the opportunity to brag about how much better he is than everyone else. Charming. Santino and Nick indulge in more trashing of Marla. Good Lord, leave the poor woman alone. Danzzz smirks in the background, but doesn't say anything, of course. Morning. Nervous designers. In the workroom, Tim tells them they have two hours to finish, including getting their models ready. He also tells them that there are thirteen long, blond Barbie-like wigs for them to give the models. He strongly encourages them to make use of them. There's a shot of Andrae, and you can actually see Tim's advice going in one ear and out the other. Uncanny. Raymundo tells his model that the jacket is the focus of the outfit. Why do I feel the need to insert a world-weary sigh every time Raymundo opens his mouth? Daniel sends Claudia off to take care of her own hair and makeup so he can finish the dress. He truly is awful with time constraints. Marla dresses her model. Santino slags her some more. SHUT UP, ASS.

Daniel's hem falls out because he used elastic thread. Was that the point of the earlier scene with Marla at the sewing machine? Did she cause this somehow? I'm not really sure. Claudia tries to reassure Daniel, telling him he has a little over an hour still. She's sweet. Various models get dressed. Rachael has an expression that looks like she's serving three consecutive life sentences. Well, she's stuck with Zulema, so I don't blame her. Andrae deliberately decides to leave the blond wig off Danyelle, apparently because she's black. Cause, you know, Tarah isn't. He dares a judge to criticize him for it. I think he'll get his wish. Loser. Daniel rushes up to sew Claudia into the dress. Time runs out on him before he can close the side. Uh, oh.

Commercials. When we return, it's showtime. Recap of everything we're heard a hundred times about this challenge. The judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and guest judge Lily Martinez. Diana's Barbie is sitting on her shoulder, looking for all the world like a little angel or devil that whispers advice into her ear. It's way more hilarious than it would be on any other designer. Heather, in Santino's dress, is first. I'm starting to hate Santino more and more, which is why it irks me a bit to admit that this dress rocks. It's an iridescent shade of purple with frills at the skirt and bows at the back and feet. Beautiful. Damn. Lupe's dress isn't bad, but I can't get over how ugly Eliza is. Can anyone be a model these days? Apparently so. The dress is green with a pink rose at the (non-existent) chest, pink and gold accents at the calf, and a tan shawl. Not too bad, but nothing exciting either. Chloe's dress is another winner. Grace comes out in a light pink dress that swoops out at the bottom to form a sort of bell, and the underside of the bell is hot pink. The holes cut through the dress give it a very neat flair.

As good as the dresses as Santino and Chloe made, Nick's is exponentially better. Tarah looks amazing. She's got an apple green top that is bunched vertically at the boobs and horizontally on the stomach. There's a multi-colored print for the multi-layered skirt that has the exact same shade of green in it, with a matching head scarf. I think it's the prettiest dress I've seen in the entire competition so far. You'll note that Tarah is wearing a blond wig. Rebecca clomps down the runway in Danzzz's dress and an ugly pair of boots. I like the plum color of his dress, but beyond that, it's unremarkable as always. I almost wish he'd design something ugly so at least there'd be something to say about it. Rachael appears in Zulema's dress, carrying a tiny little Barbie purse. Heh. OK, that's pretty amusing. The dress is fine, though again, looks nothing remotely like what a pre-teen girl would wear. It's all shimmering silver, with various bunches and panels put in to make it interesting. Still, no wonder Heidi has to explain the challenge forty times. A bunch of people seemingly never listen to her.

Eden comes down the runway in Kara's dress. It's got a striped top in two shades of pink, and is one of the few dresses we see that has sleeves on it. There's a denim skirt with a wide strip of fringe at the bottom, and a kicky little hat, which Kara seems to like including. I don't care that much for the outfit overall, but it looks exactly like what a Barbie would wear, so one point for Kara actually understanding what's expected of her, Raymundo. Shannon is wearing Emmett's dress, and I like it a lot more than I expected. She's very Cinderellaish in pale blue with dots as the accent, flowing sleeves, and a tiara to cap it off. Emmett grins as she struts her stuff. Huh, maybe he's human after all. Cara is wearing Marla's dress. This girl walks for shit. What is up with some of these models? I'm certainly not privy to their trials and tribulations, but isn't the ability to walk down a runway, like, Day One at model school? I'm not a big fan of the dress. It looks a little busy to me, though I see no evidence of the technical difficulties Marla was having. It's just not to my tastes. The neckline at the back is particularly ugly.

Speaking of ugly, Allison comes out in Raymundo's dress. It is hideous. Even if he weren't ignoring the challenge, this dress would suck. The dress is white, with a housefrau pattern on the front, and the side panels are a bright orange. The jacket is tan burlap with oversized buttons. Just as Nick's was the loveliest I've seen yet in this competition, Raymundo's is the worst. Danyelle appears sans wig in Andrae's dress. It's not as bad as I first thought. I don't know about that poofy skirt, but I like the hooded top. Plus, Danyelle is just so pretty. Lesley appears in Diana's garment, with the hood up. The red fabric with the holes is great, and the skirt is black panels trimmed with gold. Let's just ignore another set of ugly, furry boots. What is up with those? At the end of the runway, Lesley pulls down the hood into a collar. Awesome. If that were on a Barbie, little girls would never tire of switching back and forth between the two. Claudia is in Daniel's dress. It's still not appropriate to the challenge, but it's pretty. What's interesting is that Claudia keeps her hands clamped to her hips at all times, hiding the open seam. Smart girl.

The judges tabulate their scores, and the designers step onto the runway. Step forward when called. Lupe. Danzzz. Zulema. Emmett. Diana. Daniel. If your name has been called, you're safe. Congratulations. The remaining six have the highest and lowest scores. Wait, six and six is twelve. Who's missing? I rewound three times before I realized that at some point, they must have called Chloe safe and sent her off, but never showed it. Weird. The models join the remaining designers.

Santino is given excellent reviews. Lily asks Andrae why he didn't use the wig. Looks like they're taking you up on the dare, Andrae. Let's see how you handle it. He says that he feels the wig would distract from the dress because it so obviously doesn't match his model's real hair. OK, I can buy that. Michael says that the absence of the wig was more distracting than its presence would have been. OK, I can buy that, too. Andrae spews some, you guessed it, overcomplicated claptrap about how "My Scene" Barbie embodies individualism (which...no, she doesn't), and he wanted to honor that, and blah blah blah. Just give a straight answer! Michael tells him he reads too much into everything. I am in love with Michael for a fraction of a second. Andrae basically tells the judges that they're stupid idiots because they don't like his dress. Cut him, judges! Cut him! Kara is told that her dress looks a little too young and not grown-up enough for this particular doll, though they do like it overall. Fair enough. Nick's dress gets universal praise. There's a lingering shot on Santino "Second Place Is Just A Fancy Term For Loser" Rice. Get used to it, jerk. You're not the only one with talent around here. Raymundo refers to his dress as something a surfer girl would wear. Jiggety huh? There is not a single piece to this outfit that even remotely suggests such a thing. The judges say that the dress looks like something Barbie's mother would wear (yeah, if Barbie's mother were Helen Keller), and that there's nothing girly about the outfit. Bingo. I'd say listen to Tim next time, Raymundo, if I thought there was going to be a next time. The judges criticize Marla for picking a cranberry color, saying that it's too matronly. That's seriously the only bad thing they say about it.

Deliberations. Hooray for Nick. Hooray for Santino. Backstage, Nick does a very smart thing and suggests that the judges give the prize to Santino. Santino couldn't be more delighted as Nick feeds his ego. Yep, pretending that they're the best thing since aerosol cheese is sometimes the only way to handle raging narcissists. Good on you, Nick. Back with the judges, they say Kara's was nice, but unimaginative. They still hate Andrae. Then cut him! Do it! Raymundo's was a complete mess. Marla should have picked a different color. The designers come back out. Instead of this tiresome dance wherein Heidi explains the entire concept of the show a billion times on either side of a commercial break, I'll use this time to share a neat little trivia fact that will brighten your day. According to Dr. Lazarus, if you put a few Mentos in a two-liter bottle of soda, it'll explode. Try it out!

Andrae is in. Boo! He flounces off. Santino is told that they loved his work. "No, you didn't!" he crows, fully expecting the next words out of Heidi's mouth to be "and you're the winner." He gets a "you're in" instead. The look of shock and anguish on his face will keep me warm for months to come. Nick is winner. Yay! His dress was perfect for this challenge. As when Chloe won, Santino doesn't congratulate Nick. He just sulks in the corner. So, he's won one out of three challenges. I hope a stunning 33% will knock some of the smarm out of him. I'm doubtful. Kara is in. So the bottom two are Marla and Raymundo? When all the judges could say about Marla's dress is that the color was wrong? I'm calling bullshit. Still, the right choice is made, and Raymundo is sent packing. He hugs everyone backstage. He interviews that he's young and has balls of steel. Classy. Hey, I'll bet that's what reversed the polarity of Diana's magnets!

Next week on Project Runway: The designers will be designing lingerie, and there will be "team leaders", so you know somebody won't be able to take orders or criticism. Santino hates Emmett. Kara hates Daniel. Santino hates the judges. I have the feeling Santino hates everyone who isn't named Santino.

Overall Grade: B