Deep breath. Ready? Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven teams set out from the Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado. Their first destination was Sao Paolo, Brazil, where the Tools distinguished themselves as very good racers -- and very obnoxious people. The Hippies also led the pack, while Ray and Yolanda were busy getting sexually harassed. John and Scott got eliminated, and the world gave a collective shrug and went back to clipping its fingernails. The race then went to the jungles of Brazil. Frankenberry continued being old, while MoJo got their act together. Lisa (or Joni) and Joni (or Lisa) desperately needed to shut up, but never got the memo. Looks like they didn't get the one marked "Don't get eliminated" either, and we were all spared from listening to their shrieks for all eternity. I keep meaning to thank whatever deity was in charge of that. The Tools and Double D "cozied up" before everyone headed to Russia. Several aquaphobic people stupidly chose to take on a water-themed Roadblock. Teams searched through dolls while dancers whirled around them. Nobody was eliminated, and everyone headed to Stuttgart, Germany. The Tools surged ahead, while Frankenberry goofed at the Detour. Jeez, that sentence could apply to, like, seven episodes. Wanda and Desiree got super-lost, leading to their elimination. Then to Sicily, where the Hippies took the lead, and Lake and Michelle fell behind. The evil Roadblock caused Lori to go a bit insane. A struggling Lake and Michelle Yielded Double D. The latter got eliminated, ensuring Lake and Michelle a decent shot of getting into heaven. In the next leg, everyone was so bored, we all fell into comas. Everyone stayed in Sicily, and in almost the exact same order. Monica had a tantrum, Ray and Yolanda made up a bit of ground, and the charming Dave and Lori were sent packing. Crap. After a pointless stopoff that shall remain nameless because it was dumb, teams went to Athens, Greece. The Tools got the Fast Forward. Fran almost wet herself at the bungee jump. The Hippies got lost, but not as lost as the squabbling Lake and Michelle, who got eliminated just as they were starting to become intolerably obnoxious. Thanks again, race deity. The remaining teams went to Oman, where Ray and Yolanda got snippy with each other. BJ hit some rough luck at the Roadblock, and the Hippies came in last, only to be spared by non-elimination. I missed the part in the original airing when Tyler said that BJ was "literally...just dead". HE WAS NOT LITERALLY DEAD. LEARN HOW TO USE THAT FUCKING WORD! AMERICA, THIS MEANS YOU. On the next leg, the rivalry between the Hippies and MoJo heated up, and the teams flew to Perth, Australia. Frankenberry finally ran out of steam and got eliminated. The Tools cheated and didn't get punished for it, except by that race deity who really seems to like me. It's more than mutual right now. Somehow, this trick caused the Hippies and MoJo to hate each other even more. The Hippies got to the final Yield and misused it on MoJo, basically just to say "nyah, nyah". They got bitten in the ass when the Detour equalized everybody but a surging Ray and Yolanda, and the Hippies again came in last and were again spared by non-elimination. Then, it was off to Thailand where MoJo made a series of critical mistakes. The Hippies got the Fast Forward, and Monica screwed up the Detour, dooming MoJo to elimination. Gotta love that race deity. Now, three teams remain. Who will win The Amazing Race? Anyone but the Tools is fine with me, deity.
Opening credits. I don't think dancing lessons with my mom are in the cards. Like, ever.
Bangkok, Thailand. Ray and Yolanda, you'll remember, won a night in a luxury hotel last week, so they'll be leaving from the mat well-rested. The Hippies take off first at 11:18 PM. Their clue tells them to get to a nearby place called the Royal Kraal, where an elephant in ceremonial dress will give them the next clue with its trunk. Yay, I was wondering when the elephants from the opening credits would appear. BJ interviews that he came into the race convinced that he and Tyler could win every leg, but that it's been a humbling experience for him. Tyler's just glad they no longer have to worry about getting eliminated and can focus on winning. The Tools leave the mat at 1:21 AM. They're ready to win, and blah blah blah. The Hippies discover that the elephant place doesn't open until 4 AM, which sounds like a time made up by the producers to make sure everyone got equalized here. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 1:28 AM. Ray immediately kicks off the trend of being absolutely hilarious, which he and Yolanda will be keeping up for the entirety of the leg. He talks about how when you're in a relationship, even the most placid discussion about a wrong turn can turn into a deep, philosophical discussion of the entire relationship. He says it with a smile, as if to say "You know those wacky women and how they like to talk about their feelings." Heh. He and Yolanda put their things into a hot pink taxi. I didn't know Barbie was in charge of Thailand's transportation business.
Everyone catches up at the elephant corral. Ray calls the Hippies the "cricket boys". Hehe. Yolanda got her purple pants back from BJ at some point. 4 AM rolls around, and everyone goes in. The elephants hand over the clue, which tells them to get to Tokyo, Japan. Once there, they'll drive themselves to Shibuya, which is Japan's version of Times Square, and is the busiest intersection in the world. Obviously, these people have never been to Skinker and Delmar. When they get to Shibuya, they'll scan the many video screens on the nearby buildings for a hint to their next clue, which reads "Find Hachiko". Cool task. As everyone goes to the Bangkok airport, the Hippies rejoice because Tyler's girlfriend is Japanese, and he speaks the language. That is really impressive. Japanese is tough, yo. Once at the airport, Ray and Yolanda find a United flight to Tokyo that arrives at 2:15 PM. The Hippies opt to head straight for the Japanese airline. The Tools learn about the same flight that Ray and Yolanda heard about. Ultimately, Ray and Yolanda and the Tools get onto the flight, but the Hippies cannot, presumably because they wasted time at the wrong airline. Ouch.
Commercials. Please stop pretending that Americans like soccer, Madison Avenue. We don't. Give it up.
The first flight takes off. The Hippies are forced to get the next available flight, which apparently will put them an hour and a half behind. Phil describes the entire task again. I'll spare you. The lead teams hop a bus to the hotel where they'll pick up their cars. Once there, Ray and Yolanda take off immediately, relying on the map they bought at the airport. The Tools go inside the hotel and ask for directions. Ray and Yolanda start to revert to their early leg problems, and cannot find the highway they need. They stop for directions and get themselves back on track. The Hippies land. The Tools' hotel-provided map is giving them no trouble, while Ray and Yolanda continue to flail. Yes, it's the Tools who are first to drop off their car at the Sakamoto building in Shibuya.
Blood Ray: "Which one's Eric again?"
Limecrete: "The dark-haired one. On second thought, who cares? They're completely interchangeable."
Ray and Yolanda discover that they've taken the wrong highway. Sigh. Ray gets a dig in at Yolanda's navigation. She tells him to just drive. He says he's "Drivin' Miss Crazy". Hahahaha!!! Snap! Seriously, though, they're totally lost. The Tools start scanning buildings for the clue hint. It doesn't seem to take them too long to see the "Find Hachiko" sign. Phil lets us in on the fact that Hachiko is the statue of a dog famous in Japanese lore. I'd be curious to know what that story is. Near the statue is a man in a red and yellow scarf who will give the teams their next clue. This guy has got to be the fruitiest Japanese man in the entire country. Not to make sweeping generalizations, but he hasn't even opened his mouth, and he's already gayer than dancing around the Maypole with a crown of daisies on your head. The Tools easily get the heads up on the statue and pick up their clue. Detour! But before we get to the choices, I must say that Blood Ray and I had to watch the segment where Phil describes the Detour several times, because as he's explaining it, he's walking in a stream of Japanese pedestrians. One guy practically shoves him out of the way. Another lady has a massive sneeze attack just as she walks by the camera. Hehehe. Anyway, Detour! Maiden or Messenger. In Maiden, teams take a taxi seven miles to a tea garden. Once there, they choose a litter (with a funny name I didn't catch) that contains a maiden, and carry her one-third of a mile to a tea ceremony. Once they drop her off, they get the next clue. In Messenger, teams walk about 200 yards to a parking lot, where they'll need to assemble folding messenger bikes. They also pick up two packages that have to be delivered to two separate buildings. Once the packages are delivered and they return to the lot, they'll get the next clue.
Of course the Tools head for Maiden, because they can't resist anything even tangentially female-related. Because they are straight. No, really! Straight! Why are you raising your eyebrows like that? Of course they're straight! Can't you tell by the way that they're almost constantly talking about how to get into girls' pants that they are all about the ladies? I mean, why wouldn't they need to continually assure themselves and the camera that they love them some women? The Hippies are next to Shibuya, which means Ray and Yolanda are incredibly lost. Parking. Hint-spotting. Picking up the clue from Fruity. The Hippies go with Messenger, apparently because they can fluently ask for directions if need be. Sounds reasonable. The Tools arrive at Maiden and lift up a litter. It's probably the most successful they've ever been at picking up a chick. *rimshot* Thank you! I'll be here all week! They start walking for the tea ceremony, grousing about how sore they're going to be. The Hippies assemble their bikes, and take off. They seem to know exactly where they're going. On the other end of the spectrum, Ray and Yolanda are still stuck in their car, snarled in traffic and deservedly anxious about their situation. That's another ouch, which must mean we're headed into...
Commercials. Local newscaster Larry Conners wants me to know that a local park (where children play -- thanks for that additional scare tactic, ass) contains some coyotes. And he pronounces it "KAI-oats". What, is he Jed Clampett all of a sudden? Also, my friend's friend swears he hit on her in a bar once. If that's true... Ew.
Ray and Yolanda? Still lost. The Tools drop off their maiden at the tea ceremony. She pops out of the litter, and is kind of like a Japanese French maid whore goth girl. The clue tells them to get to the Capsule Land Hotel, which is exactly what it sounds like. In order to save space, the beds are narrow little capsules that you wedge yourself into, and everyone shares a common bathroom. Fun. The Hippies drop off their first package, and get directions to the second building. Ray and Yolanda finally, finally reach the Shibuya intersection, see the sign, and get the clue from Fruity. The Hippies drop off their second package. Ray and Yolanda, no fools they, know that navigating the streets will not be their strong suit, so they go for Maiden. The Tools make their way to the hotel while the Hippies go to drop off their bikes. The background music is a total knockoff of "Turning Japanese". I can't decide whether to laugh or roll my eyes at that. The Hippies get their Capsule Land Hotel clue. Ray and Yolanda pick up their litter. Ray tries to distract himself from the strain by singing "It's heavy, it's heavy, I've got a Chevy." Hehehe. The Tools reach the hotel and learn that they can check out at 9:00 AM. They're amused at the cramped quarters, though I'll spare you their lame jokes. Don't mention it. Ray is still singing. "I don't know, but you've been told. I'm gonna win this million dollars." Hahaha. Ray is cracking me up tonight. They drop off their maiden, who's just as crazy looking as the other one, and head for the hotel. Yolanda takes up the singing-about-nothing torch in the cab. These two are perfect for one another.
The Hippies check into the hotel. Turns out the Tools' lead isn't completely eaten up, because the Hippies can't check out until 9:15 AM. The two lead teams greet each other. Ray and Yolanda arrive, and will check out the next day at 9:30 AM. They say hi to the other teams, and Tyler asks if they got lost. Ray plays it off by saying they got caught in traffic. Technically true, and minimizes the fact that they can't navigate for crap. Well played, Ray. Everyone says good night and goes to sleep in their tiny, tiny beds.
Morning. As promised, the Tools leave at 9:00 AM. The clue tells them to drive themselves about eighty miles to Fujikyu Highland (which the audience is told is an amusement park at the base of Mount Fuji). The establishing shot of the mountain is breathtakingly gorgeous, and I'll just admit right now that "Fujikyu" is about the most fun word you can say aloud. Fujikyu! I will spend the rest of the evening shouting "Fujikyu!" at Blood Ray, driving him absolutely batshit. The teams will use the same cars they dropped off yesterday. The Tools ask for directions, then take off. 9:15 AM. The Hippies do the exact same thing. 9:30 AM. Ray and Yolanda head to a Denny's for directions. They have Denny's overseas? That's depressing. The manager has to give directions using a lot of hand gestures, but they seem to find the right highway. Said highway is a toll highway. Currently it is also a Tool highway, as they pick up their ticket, which they say they'll have to pay for later. The other teams pick up their tickets too. Ray has almost as much fun with the word "Fujikyu" as I am having. The Tools reach the booth where they have to pay for their toll ticket. After passing through, they ask for directions from a bus driver who tells them they can follow him there. The Hippies seem to be OK on their own, and actually manage to catch up with the Tools as they get to... Fujikyu! They pull the clue at the same time.
Roadblock! "Who's ready to coast through their day?" If Fran saw this, she'd be like "I took it cause I thought it would have to do with soap! I'm scared!" Tyler and Jeremy take the Roadblock for their teams. What they have to do is get on three thrill rides, one right after the other. On one of them, they should be able to spot a man waving a sign with their next location on it that reads "Lake Yamanaka". I love these scavenger hunt type tasks. It reminds me of Midnight Madness, which was an awesome movie, and introduced us to a young boy called Michael Fox. The "J" came later. You know what else has a "J"? Fujikyu! If the Roadblockers can correctly relay the message to the person running the ride, they'll receive their next clue. If they're incorrect or don't see the sign, they have to ride all three rides again. They get onto the first ride, and Tyler asks the girls sitting next to him to keep their eyes peeled for the sign. They seem unimpressed. Looks like a barfy ride; sort of a combination of that pirate ship that swings back and forth and a rotating wheel. Neither of them spots the sign. They run for the second ride.
Bad news. Ray and Yolanda can't find the ticket they picked up to pay for the toll ride. This is why I always stick stuff like that under the sun visor. That sucker's not going anywhere. I don't know why Ray isn't able to find the ticket, since it's not like they've been out of the car since they picked it up. Suffice it to say that they can't find it, Ray can't understand what the toll collector is saying, and the drivers behind them are starting to get testy. This would be my nightmare. Which must mean...
Commercials. Oh, for the love of fuck. Brenda Strong, who does those abominably annoying Mary Alice voiceovers on Desperate Housewives, is now doing an abominably annoying voiceover on a contact lens commercial. Stop talking, Brenda Strong.
The toll collector directs Ray and Yolanda to pull ahead and off the road. It takes them a minute, but they finally convey that they'll just pay him directly without a ticket. Afterwards, they ask him for directions to... Fujikyu! As he sends them on their way, the old toll collector pats Ray on the butt. He's hilariously flummoxed by it. In line for the second ride, a girl touches Tyler's nasty, scruffy beard and freaks out over it. Jeremy calls him an idiot, since a girl is paying attention to Tyler and not him. Because he's straight, damn it! The second ride is a coaster that takes off like a bullet. Tyler's skin is literally flattened against his face. Neither of them spots anything on this ride, either. As they get off, they ask each other if they spotted anything. Jeremy says no, but Tyler gives a non-committal "I just might have." He's fibbing, but Jeremy is...Jeremy, so he falls for it. They both get into the third ride, which looks like a more normal roller coaster. As they coast down a giant, monster hill, they both spot the sign, which looks extremely easy to see. They exit, tell the ride guy "Lake Yamanaka", and receive their next clue, which sends them to the lake itself - this leg's pitstop. Jeremy snots that Tyler "tried" to psych him out, leaving out the part where it succeeded. Phil tells us that once the teams reach the lake, they have to choose a boat shaped like a duck, and paddle out to a larger boat (shaped like a swan), where the mat is located. Hahaha! Those duck boats are so awful and cutesy-poo.
They run for their cars. Ray and Yolanda find Fujikyu, and Yolanda chooses now to repick almost the same fight from several legs ago. Something about Ray's tone of voice as he was parking. Because that turned out so well for them last time. I think she's just frustrated about the whole lost ticket thing, but Ray wasn't kidding when he said that a tiny aspect of the race can somehow become this huge metaphor for the whole relationship. They continue to snip at each other as they pull the clue. Ray's done all the Roadblocks he can do, so Yolanda takes it. She's still mad as she walks into the park, but you know what's good for cheering you up? Amusement park rides. She starts grinning as she's thrown around. In the Hippie car, Tyler tells BJ about trying to throw Jeremy off the scent, but that the sign was pretty obvious. Well, he did use the word "might" originally. He never explicitly told Jeremy he saw the sign. I only bring this up because in the Tool car, they're getting all mad at the Hippies' sneakiness. Can't really blame Tyler for your own stupidity, boys. And now's a perfect time to unpack that old gem - the cab canceling. The second they did that, the Tools gave up any right to act morally offended and self-righteous about anything, especially something as mild as this.
Yolanda rides the skin-flattening ride. She doesn't spot anything, and heads to the last roller coaster. She has no problem seeing the giant "Lake Yamanaka" sign. She's thrilled with the rides, yelling happily that she's "shifted some vital organs today." Hehehe. She gets her clue and comes back out to Ray. They try to get directions, but the guy says "right" and points left. Uh oh. Yolanda finds it on her own map, and says that she needed that break out of the car. I'd probably be insane by that point too. The Hippies pull up to the duck boats. The Tools are right behind them. Both teams run down a path to the water and now it's Intense! Duck! Boat! Action! I love that everyone's all fired up with the heat of competition while forced to ride in these ridiculous things. Paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle. And first to the swan is... The Hippies! Nice. They're team number one, and win one of those Sidekick thingies and three years of free service. Eh. The Tools check in as team number two. Tyler pats them on the shoulder and shakes their hands. The Tools are gloriously disappointed, which fills me with glee.
Phil asks if the Tools are worried about the final sprint to the finish line, given that they just got smoked in this mini-race. Jeremy ignores the actual question, and brings up the whole "Oooh, Tyler lied about the sign - can you believe it?" thing. My eyes roll so hard, they fall out of my head. I pop them back in just in time to see Tyler bring up the cab-canceling. Yes! Thank you! Jeremy, knowing he has no case and pissed at himself for getting beaten fair and square, whines that Tyler was "mean" for lying. No, really. He actually says that Tyler is "mean", which makes his transformation into a seven-year-old girl complete. Tyler isn't stupid enough to take the bait, and says that he did it because the Tools are such good competition, so the Hippies are going to use everything they can get to gain an advantage. Again, with no hyperbole or jest, I tell you that Jeremy responds by saying "Well, we're going to use everything we can get." Did he just invoke "Takes one to know one"? Or "I'm rubber, and you're glue"? My apologies to seven-year-old girls. The Tools aren't nearly that advanced.
Sigh. Ray and Yolanda. They paddle their duck boat. They're last, but of course this is the final non-elimination point of the race. Phil strips them of their money and possessions. They vow that they can bounce back and win. Hey, it's possible. Uchenna and Joyce did it. Of course, Uchenna and Joyce didn't get lost every three minutes.
Commercials. Ooh, the Academy of Country Music Awards! Dang, I'd love to watch that, but I'm afraid that's the night I rearrange my sock drawer.
Lake Yamanaka. More beauty shots of Mount Fuji in the background. No more eliminations. No more Fast Forwards. No more Yields. This is it. Race for the finish. The Hippies leave at 12:18 AM. Blood Ray swears vengeance if they don't leave some money for Ray and Yolanda, who have been more than kind to them when the Hippies themselves were on the business end of non-elimination points. Their clue tells them to fly to Anchorage, Alaska. Ah, a freak state. Always a good middle ground between foreign lands and home turf. Once in Anchorage, they'll choose a marked car with their next clue inside. They leave 2000 yen on Ray and Yolanda's car. Blood Ray relaxes. Sounds like a lot, but it's really only about eighteen dollars. That's probably good for a cab ride, though. Tyler interviews some more about the Hippies' general attitude of enthusiasm and such. I want to cynically make fun of them, but he's right. I don't know that I've ever seen a team enjoy the race so much, which I appreciate.
The Tools are off at 12:20 AM. Blah blah we're going to win. Blah blah second place isn't an option. Wake me when they say anything interesting. Eric reads the additional information that they'll drop their cars at the hotel they first dropped them at to catch a bus to the airport. More "Turning Japanese" knockoff music. Boring Tools-think-they're-funny-and-aren't scene. The Hippie and Tool cars split off into two separate exit lanes. Both teams think the other one made a wrong turn. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 3:01 AM. Ray points out that they're really good at coming back from behind. True. The Hippies have left a note that if Ray and Yolanda win the million, they want their 2000 yen back. Heh. The Hippies have chosen the more direct route to the hotel, and arrive first. They enter, and are told that the shuttle to the airport leaves at 6:10 in the morning. Tyler asks if the hotel has internet access, and is told it's on the second floor. The Hippies go on to ask the desk guy to pretend he doesn't understand if anyone else asks about the internet.
I always hate this kind of request, because 1) Teams rarely offer the person any incentive for lying. Well, Monica offered a kiss on the cheek once, which is actually more insulting than offering nothing. Which of course leads to... 2) Why should a serviceperson ignore his or her duties, possibly risking their job to help out your spoiled ass? And perhaps the most compelling reason is 3) IT NEVER WORKS. I have yet to see a local lie to help out some random team. The closest one came was when Asshole Rob bribed a bus driver into keeping the back bus door closed, which only detained other teams for about ten seconds anyway.
Anyway, the Hippies head upstairs. The Tools arrive at the hotel, and they also ask about internet access. The desk guy points up and says yes. The Tools ask if they can use it, and the desk guy says "Well, we don't have internet service." Whoa! Whoa! There goes all my careful reasoning. Thanks a lot, Japanese Liar. The Tools are suspicious, given that the guy just said that they do have it. The Hippies type away upstairs while the Tools call a general passenger information phone number. Ray and Yolanda head into a restaurant. A restaurant that's open in the middle of the night, and thus contains drunk people. Yay! They ask for money, and one drunk guy tells Yolanda that she looks like Janet Jackson. All the other guys laugh. Fleece them, Ray and Yolanda! They do. As they leave, Yolanda says that she'll tell Michael they said "hey". Hahahaha! Oh, Ray and Yolanda. They're pleased with their haul, and head for the hotel.
BJ finds a flight that connects through Seattle, and arrives in Anchorage at 10:53 AM. Downstairs, the Tools book tickets that connect through Taipei, and arrives in Anchorage at 7:50 AM. Guess the Japanese Liar didn't have the effect the Hippies were hoping for. The Hippies leave the computer lounge and turn off the lights so that it's hard to spot. Eric hopes that the Tools keep their lead, because the Hippies are "an hour behind". The Hippies sneak back down and the teams exchange a cursory hello. Eric lets them in on the fact that there is "no internet" in the hotel, which he thought was "really weird". I can't tell if he has suspicions that the Hippies are playing him somehow or not. Ray and Yolanda miss the first shuttle to the airport, where the Tools slip away from the Hippies so they can't be followed. I thought both teams had tickets already. Whatever. Ray and Yolanda catch the next shuttle. At the airport, the Hippies ask about better flights, and find the connection the Tools will be catching in Taipei. They grab tickets. Ray and Yolanda arrive. The ticket agent tells them they can get a flight arriving in Anchorage at 2:40 PM. In other words, Loserville. Ray and Yolanda spring into some airport work that really shows why they're still in the race, despite being crappy navigators. They disdain the 2:40 tickets and set about looking for something better.
The Tools take off. The Tools land. Now they have to sit and wait for their connecting flight. Yolanda jumps on the internet and finds the same flight the Hippies are on. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. They should just title this show Ticket Agents Are Always Wrong. They dash back to the ticket counter and try to get on. The agent tells them the flight is already closed. Ray points out that they could have gotten on that flight had the agent told them about it in the first place when they asked for the earliest one. The agent isn't thrilled that Ray just pointed out her mistake, and reiterates that the flight is closed. Yipes.
Commercials. Buy a Volkswagen so you too can be a fucking bitch who's simultaneously rude to your husband and other drivers.
Ray tells the agent that with twenty minutes until takeoff, they can make the flight. The agent gives in and gets on the phone to see what she can arrange. The Hippies board. Ray and Yolanda are told they may board the flight. See that? Flawless airport work. Yolanda is kind enough to thank the agent that almost cost her the race. They board. Ray tells the Hippies this is the first time he's happy to see them. BJ gives a phony laugh, then rolls his eyes when Ray passes by. Heh. Flight #2 lands, and there in Taipei, everyone is tied again. The Tools are disappointed by this development.
Anchorage, Alaska. It's snowing picturesquely. The clue in the cars tells the teams to drive themselves to Mirror Lake. Phil lets the audience know that it's thirty miles away. Everyone asks the airport parking attendant for directions. Tyler is cold. Ray and Yolanda, terrified that they'll get lost, pull over and pre-emptively ask for directions. They just got directions! It is at this point that I start to pull a pre-emptive move of my own, and begin to let Ray and Yolanda go. If they can't go thirty miles with directions provided in an English-speaking country without getting turned around, there's no way they'll win. I tell myself that I'll be ecstatic if they pull it out, but I'm going to have to throw some support in with the Hippies now, just in case. Don't let me down, deity. On the highway, the Tools pass the Hippies to take the lead. They reach Mirror Lake at the same time, the same way they have been arriving at clueboxes at the same time since the beginning of the whole damn race.
Detour! Drill It or Deliver It. In Drill It, teams walk across the frozen lake and set up an ice fishing camp. This consists of drilling ten holes through the ice to the water beneath, then pushing a mobile shack from the shore to their holes. In Deliver It, teams load a small plane with medical supplies, then use a map to direct their pilot over 150 miles roundtrip to an airfield. Once they deliver the supplies there, they get the next clue. This doesn't sound like a very balanced choice. Surely it couldn't take that long to drill ten holes. The Hippies and Tools initially opt for different Detours, but it turns out not to matter, because the weather's not good enough to make the trip for Deliver It, so everyone's going to have to do Drill It. Ouch, race planners. After some pointless snipping about "copycats", both lead teams set to drilling. It's not very interesting. So they drill. And drill. And drill some more. Where are Ray and Yolanda? Why even ask? They're lost. Thirty miles, two sets of directions, and they're lost. Sigh. You know I love them. You know I do. But I fear that now I must say: "Go, Hippies!" The Tools finish their holes first. They go for their shack. By the time the Hippies complete their holes, the Tools are almost done. They finish up and get their next clue, which directs them to Kincaid Park (which the audience is told is twenty-six miles away). Once there, they must find the chalet, suit up with snowshoes and poles, and use a map to search the park for the next clue box.
The Tools leave. The Hippies finish up and get their clue as well, and I'm guessing they're about ten to fifteen minutes behind at this point. As they leave, they spot Ray and Yolanda coming in. They call out and wish them luck. Ray and Yolanda set to drilling. The lead teams drive. Yolanda wishes she could drill with her legs, since they're a lot stronger than her upper body. Heh. As they finish their holes and run for the shack, they hope to catch up with everyone at the airport, since there will likely be one last flight before the finish line. I hope that too, but worry about what'll happen the moment they set foot outside the airport. I envision a lot of driving around in circles. The ice fisherman tells them he's going to check their holes. I resisted as long as I could but... Dirty! They're off to Kincaid Park. Yolanda compliments Ray on his drilling skills. The Tools arrive at the park and immediately spot the snowshoes. They suit up, consult their map, and wander off. The Hippies arrive, and pull a Frankenberry by running right past the snowshoes. They must pass within two feet of them. They search around a little, and run right past them again. Tyler almost bumps them with his feet. Auuuuugh! Please don't let the Tools win!
Commercials. I love the X-Men movies. I am unashamed!
The Hippies finally spot the snowshoes. They scamper off to find the clue box. Ray and Yolanda drive. The Tools spot the clue box. The clue tells them to go to their final destination city: Denver, Colorado. Hey, this may be the first time the race has started and ended in the same city since the first season. It's a good idea. Once in Denver, teams must travel by taxi to the Clear Creek History Park and search the grounds for their next clue. That's kind of boring. I always fear they'll bring the race to St. Louis, then give the teams all sorts of lame tasks. The Hippies continue hunting for the clue box. Teams can't take their cars to the airport, so the Tools grab a taxi. The Hippies spot the clue box. They go back to the chalet and waste time setting the snowshoes back up so that Ray and Yolanda will think nobody's been there. That'll totally work up until the part where it won't because Ray and Yolanda aren't idiots. The Hippies get a taxi. Ray and Yolanda get to the park, suit up, and head off in search of the clue box.
At the very horribly lit airport, the Tools find a nonstop flight that leaves at 11:10 PM. Invest in some new bulbs, Anchorage airport. The Tools book tickets. In the Hippie cab, BJ borrows the driver's cell phone and books the same tickets. Ray and Yolanda get their clue. The Hippies and Tools act all dumb about what tickets everyone has. Ray and Yolanda get a cab. The Hippies and Tools act all dumb about what tickets everyone has. Am I caught in a time loop? Ray and Yolanda enter the airport and have no trouble getting the same tickets as everyone else. Eric's kind of a dick about it, so they take the opportunity to rub his nose in the fact that everyone's tied again. Sweet. The flight takes off. Once in Denver, everyone grabs cabs to Golden, the town the history park is in. The Tools arrive, spot a clue in about ten seconds, and leave. Um, great task. The clue tells them to go back to where it all began: the Red Rocks Amphitheater. The Hippies arrive as the Tools leave and Jeremy yells out where they're going to the cab driver. Eric admonishes Jeremy for giving away information, because it's not like the Hippies are going to get the exact same clue in about fifteen seconds. They take a little longer to find the clue than the Tools did. As they leave, Ray and Yolanda pull up. They begin searching, but they're taking forever in finding the clue. It's looking like it's going to come down to a neck-and-neck race between the Hippies and Tools. We get a TMI closeup on all four of them. I really didn't need to know the exact number of pores on Jeremy's nose, thanks.
Commercials. I promise I'll patronize one of the businesses in this commercial break if the Tools don't win.
The Tools pull up to the clue box, which is by the side of the road. Well, we've had the final Detour, so this must be the final... Roadblock! Phil lets us in on the task. It's a great one. The Roadblocker has to run into a field of 285 flags. They then have to find the flags of each of the foreign countries they've visited, and put them into the order they visited them: Brazil, Russia, Germany, Italy, Greece, Oman, Australia, Thailand, and Japan. Just so it's not impossible to complete if a Roadblocker isn't familiar with a country's flag, there's a placard with all nine of the correct flags pictured on it, along with three incorrect flags. Teammates may help vocally, but not physically. It's a perfectly designed mental task. Hooray for mental tasks! Once they've correctly assembled the flags, they can run to the nearby finish line. "Who remembers most about the places you've been?" The Tools know exactly what the Roadblock is going to entail, and Eric takes it on. He runs into the field of flags as Jeremy tells the camera that Eric is the "brains" of the pair. Scary. Eric correctly places Brazil's flag. He correctly places Japan's flag. Noooooo!!!!!!
The Hippies pull up to the clue box. At this point, if the Tools are able to get through the Roadblock without any major screwups, there's no way they can lose. And they're already more than 20% finished. Arrrgh! BJ takes the Roadblock. Eric says to himself that Germany was before Russia (BZZZT!), so he grabs that flag. It looks like the flag fields are separated by particle board so nobody can cheat off someone else's work. Good idea. BJ gets started as Eric incorrectly places Germany's flag. BJ correctly places Brazil as Eric incorrectly places Russia. BJ cannot identify Russia's current flag, so he skips it, goes for Germany, and places it incorrectly. Arrrgghh!!!! Eric decides to work backwards and grabs Australia, while BJ gets Italy and places it incorrectly, since everything is now shifted thanks to the Russia fuckup. Ray and Yolanda finally locate a clue, but it's hopeless for them at this point.
In the meantime, Eric has correctly placed Australia and Greece (but Germany and Russia are still transposed on his lineup). BJ places Greece in its incorrect, shifted place. Ditto Oman. Eric correctly places Oman, but moves Greece so that it's now incorrect. I think my heart's going to explode. BJ incorrectly places Australia. Eric incorrectly places Italy. He's missing a country, and has to stop and think for a second before remembering being in Thailand. He grabs the flag. BJ's already gotten Thailand and has placed it into its shifted position like all the others. Eric correctly places Thailand, so he's got all his flags in, albeit in the wrong order. The judge lady tells him he's incorrect. BJ correctly places Japan, so he and Tyler know that Russia is what's fouling them up. They figure out which flag it is. Go, go, go! Jeremy, who you'll remember referred to Eric as the smart one, convinces his friend to switch the Thailand and Oman flags, which were two of the correct ones. So now the flags are in even worse shape. The pretty judge tells Eric he's incorrect. He figures out that Russia and Germany are flipped and switches them. Now, he's convinced he's done. Denied! He switches Italy and Greece, so now those two are correct. He would be done now, if not for switching Thailand and Oman. Denied!
Meanwhile, BJ starts shifting all his incorrect flags down a position to where they belong to get Russia in. Jeremy, having already fouled up his team, fouls it up even further by telling Eric to pull the Oman flag out and get another one off the placard. Not only that, but he's telling him to put it in the Thailand position. Denied! Jeremy tells him to change it back. BJ finishes his flags! GO, GO, GO! They're cleared. The Hippies take off running for the finish line. The Tools see them, and the realization that they've blown it dawns on Jeremy's face. It's a beautiful thing. All of the eliminated teams are standing by, and start cheering. Even MoJo, though they're probably faking it. Dave and Lori are still cute. Lisa and Joni are still annoying. The Hippies jog onto the mat, and they've done it! Yes! Thanks, race deity! Although now I'll have to get one of those nasty garden salads at McDonald's or buy a woman's leg razor. Phil tells BJ and Tyler that they are the official winners of The Amazing Race. Whew, that was too close for comfort. They hug in excitement and exhaustion. BJ says it was life-changing, and is the best existing therapy for couples. Shot of Lake and Michelle. Hehehehe. Tyler gives props to the citizens of the world. You're welcome.
The thrill of victory...
Later. The Tools come jogging down the road. More cheering. Wanda and Desiree are so cute. They come onto the mat and are told they're team number two. The looks of anguish on their faces will sustain me for a long time. Aaaaah. I will say that they are good sports about their loss, and that's something. They're glad to have done the race with each other, though Eric laments that he'll have to go back to waiting tables now. Waiting tables is an eminently respectable profession, but still. Aaaaah. They appreciate the world more, and say that now that they've seen all these different places, they can decide where they want to go next. "And we'll probably go together," Jeremy concludes. But they're totally straight.
And the agony of defeat. Aaaaah.
Later. Ray and Yolanda come jogging down the road. Aw. They probably didn't even have to do the flags. They hug the guys on the mat. They're team number three, and thank goodness they made it all the way to the finish line in place of one of the annoying teams. They're pleased with how they did, and I point out to Blood Ray that they are showing zero signs of affection. They stand apart from each other, and Yolanda carefully avoids answering the "When are ya gonna get married?" question shouted out by one of the contestants. She says she loves him, then bumps him with her elbow. Ray says that he's in love with Yolanda's strong mind. They hug, but don't kiss. Hmm. I've since heard that they did, indeed, get engaged later, but that's hearsay upon hearsay, so I don't know. Phil asks for a round of applause from everyone. The Tools give tepid golf claps. Aaaaah. And with a final interview from the Hippies about how in tune with the universe they strive to be, we are out of here.
Overall Grade: A
Good season, Amazing Race. I was very worried about this show, given what crap it was sliding into, and this was a very welcome return to form. Good casting, good tasks, and a winner that doesn't make me want to throw myself off a bridge. Can't ask for much more. Fujikyu!
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