Into the Fire

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 1

Previously on Top Chef: After the chaff was ditched, we were left with two talented chefs. The forces of Good were represented by genial, easygoing Harold, while the abrasive, conceited Tiffani led the forces of Evil. Harold triumphed, of course, because that's what the forces of Good do on reality shows. Right? RIGHT? Now, it's time to start the whole enterprise again with a fresh set of famewhores. Hooray!

We open with an introduction by our new host, Padma Lakshmi. Yes! The Bot has been deactivated! Padma talks about the pressure, and the passion, and the competition, oh and by the way, did you know that some food will be prepared? Well, it totally will. Out of "thousands" of applicants, the contestant pool has been whittled down to a final fifteen. Observing the chefs will be head "judge" Tom Collichio, known as Ptom around these parts, because all this man should be qualified to judge is how far up his ass I could plant my foot. Gail Simmons of Food & Wine magazine is also back. Welcome back, comparatively unannoying Gail! Padma gives a brief rundown of her own credentials (really just not being KatieBot is enough), including authoring a cookbook and loving all things culinary. Hey, I guess that means I'm 50% qualified to be a judge! All I need to do is dash off a quick cookbook. I'll have to play to my strengths, but I'm not sure "How To Include Soy Sauce In Every Single Dish" will be flying off the shelves. Padma has a large scar on her arm that will likely distract me every single time she's onscreen. One of the contestants will be eliminated each week, until four remain to cook in the finals in Hawaii. Ooh. The grand prize includes state-of-the-art kitchen equipment, a feature in Food & Wine, a chance to cook for the Food & Wine Classic in Aspen, and $100,000.

Opening credits just as boring as last season's.

Hey, the competition's not in San Francisco this year, but Los Angeles. That's a bit disappointing. Ready to meet this year's contestants? If not, too bad!

Josie Smith-Malave is a 31-year-old sous chef at a restaurant in New York. We see a brief glance at her application tape, which includes a shot of her lesbian lovah. Josie looks like she could be a good rollergirl.

Betty Fraser is a 44-year-old ex-actress from Los Angeles, which makes sense, given that she looks like Suzanne Somers with a bigger nose. She's waited a lot of tables, presumably because she couldn't find acting work, and picked up an interest in cooking from that. She now cooks for and owns a restaurant in Los Angeles. I don't even know how to describe how disturbing the shot of her doing wild, flailing, jumping cheers is. Nor the shot of her cooking while wearing a midriff-baring tank top, and her gut hanging out over a black and white miniskirt. Someone needs to take Betty aside, and gently explain that perhaps it's time to leave the ingenue days behind.

Ilan Hall is a 24-year-old line cook from New York City. He's got a touch of the obnoxious faux rocker look about him, which unfortunately seems to be a pervading theme on TV these days. He says he's going to win Top Chef because he wants the prize money. Well, so do I. Guess I've got a shot of winning, too.

Marcel Vigneron is a 26-year-old Stephen knockoff from Las Vegas. I mean, really. Three words out of his mouth, and we already know who the pretentious twit of the season is going to be. He's a "master cook" from Las Vegas, and he's got a flyaway hairstyle that must take fifteen cans of Aqua Net daily to maintain.

Gnat: "I didn't know Jimmy Neutron existed in real life."

He talks about his interest in "molecular gastronomy". Midway through his first interview, and I'm already tired of him. This'll be fun.

Elia Aboumrad is a 23-year-old room service chef from Las Vegas. Don't yell at me. I'm just transcribing the subtitles. It's not my fault she's trying to get away with saying she's twenty-three. She's originally from Mexico, where women who cook are presumed to be interested in marriage only, she tells us. So no women in Mexico prepare food because they're, I don't know, HUNGRY? She does have very pretty hair.

Sam Talbot is a 28-year-old "executive consulting chef" from New York City. I have no idea what that title means. He hopes the show will take his career to "the next level". Tally mark on the Irritating Reality Show Cliche list! Along with the unmentioned "in it to win it" from Josie that I was trying to ignore, we're up to two already. Impressive. Of two brief introductory paragraphs on his Bravo biography, his "good looks" are mentioned four times. Apparently, he's been voted one of New York's sexiest chefs, and if that's true, New York? Time to import some new chefs. Yes, I know you're crowded, but this cannot stand as the benchmark of what your city considers sexy.

I hate to interrupt the introductions, but they're intercut with the chefs moving into their living space, which has to be mentioned. Gone is the International House of Famewhores. These people are apparently staying in a Dickensian workhouse. There are tiny, utilitarian bunk beds set up, the decoration is sparse, and the whole room looks like these guys have been sent to juvie. Marcel and Ilan meet each other and whip out their knives to compare their sizes. The joke practically makes itself. Ilan makes it anyway, saying that next they'll be comparing cocks. He seems to instantly dislike Marcel. Sweet.

Frank Terzoli is a 39-year-old executive chef from San Diego. He's brought along earplugs, but they're not for him; they're for his roommates. Hehehe. He also comments on the prison-like nature of their accommodations. I'm glad someone mentioned how crappy they are, because have I mentioned the twin-sized bunk beds?

Marisa Churchill is a 29-year-old executive pastry chef from San Francisco. Finally, someone who knows how to make dessert! In her application tape, she brags that she uses her sexuality to her advantage, and as with pretty much all people who herald themselves for their allure, she ain't all that. The shot of her ass gets honest-to-God blurs, though I don't know if they're covering a logo on her jeans or actual cheek sticking out. If it's the latter, she's dead to me.

Suyai Steinhauer is a 28-year-old chef and owner of a catering company from New York City. She's originally from England, and has a nifty accent. Her name is pronounced with a J-sound in the middle. She was bulimic for many years, and got into food as a way of healing her eating disorder. Gnat and I come up with similar remarks along the lines of "you healed it!" at about the same time. Man, we're bitches.

Michael Midgley is a 28-year-old line cook from Lodi, California. He wants to own a sports bar, and is definitely working the dirty slob look. Bleh. He notes that the other contestants have more experience, but that he's got balls. Thank you for telling me about your balls. Kindly never mention them again. He says he's ready to "rock and roll". Tally mark!

Carlos Fernandez is a 36-year-old chef and owner of a cafe in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. He owns the cafe with his life partner of the last twelve years, and they just got their first four-star review. Good for them, but I'm less impressed with that than with the fact that these two can live and work together for twelve years without resorting to murder. Private time, people. It can't be overestimated. He's self-taught, and wants to show those people with their snooty culinary degrees that he can be successful.

Mia Gaines-Alt is a 32-year-old chef and owner of a catering restaurant in Oakdale, California. Her mother and husband are "holding the torch" for her while she competes, and I'd love to know how the working relationship is between those two. If she wins, the money's going to be put right back into her business. I like a practical thinker.

That's not all the chefs, but they're hurrying us along into the Quickfire Challenge anyway. The chefs stream into the new Kitchen, which is bigger and uglier than the one in San Francisco. They're met by Padma, Ptom, and Harold, who's still cute, but needs to stand up straight. God, I sound like my mother. Harold will be this week's guest judge. Nice. Ptom goes into his first smug speech of the season, and it's worth analyzing what he has to say. "I know everybody's excited to start cooking, but first a little housekeeping. I am not the chef here, and I am not your mentor; I'm the head judge. I will be making trips into the Kitchen, asking questions, and observing you. I will take those observations back to the Judges' Table, and share them with the other judges. Good luck." OK, let's just plug that into the Ptom to English Translator. "I am NOT Tim Gunn. I am NOT Tim Gunn. I am NOT Tim Gunn. I know everyone hates my guts, but making sure I don't come off as a smarmy dickhead takes way too much time and effort for me to bother. Hear that, audience?" What gives, here? Either Bravo or Ptom himself is clearly desperate to distance him from Tim, but why would you want to distance yourself from Tim? Tim Gunn rocks. Nobody but delusional freaks like Vincent has anything but glowing things to say about him, and he gives friendly, but frank criticism. I'm sorry that Ptom lacks the personality to be the same kind of authority figure, but then maybe they shouldn't have asked his conceited ass back. Or, if they want his crabby commentary at the Judges' Table that much, send someone else into the Kitchen to be an observer, if not a mentor. Padma, perhaps?

That unpleasant disclaimer out of the way, Padma tells the chefs they'll have to survive through twelve rounds to get to the finals. In each round there will be a Quickfire Challenge and an Elimination Challenge. If a chef wins the Quickfire Challenge, they are immune from elimination in the latter. Padma announces that suitably, the first Quickfire challenge involves quickness and fire. The chefs will have to create a flambe dish (sorry, I don't bother with accent marks; they're too time-consuming), using any alcohol and ingredients provided in the Kitchen. Otto, who we haven't even been introduced to yet (Otto Borisch - a 46-year-old chef instructor from Las Vegas), says that flambe is as simple as tipping a high alcohol-content liquid towards a gas flame. Suyai has never studied the flambe technique, so she's nervous. The chefs have twenty minutes to prepare their dishes. Go!

Sam wants to win immunity. Michael thinks the time limit is too short to do something fancy, so he's playing it safe. I'd think that was smart, if I believed that Michael were capable of anything fancier than potato skins. Emily (yep, we haven't met her either -- Emily Sprissler - a 30-year-old "master cook" from Las Vegas) says that flambe provides a lot of flavor and a lot of heat. Er...thanks for explaining the relationship between fire and heat, Emily. Marcel considers combining bananas and avocados, hoping to wow the judges. I can't picture those two flavors together, but it doesn't sound bad. Cliff (who? -- Cliff Crooks - a 28-year-old executive chef from West Caldwell, New Jersey) says that every part of his brain is firing. Five minutes left. People set their dishes on fire. Everyone is flaming along merrily except Elia, who can't get hers to light. Apparently, this is because she chose red wine as her alcohol. Marcel interviews that it doesn't have a strong enough alcohol content. Tell that to my friend Tiffany after a Memorial Day at the wineries. Time runs out, and Elia gives up.

Harold and Padma go to taste the food. I guess Ptom wandered off at some point. First up is Marcel, who has made a banana and avocado tart with corn chips, ice cream, and a rum cocktail on the side. It's pretty. Elia has made strawberries with red wine and chocolate flambe sauce. So she put chocolate on strawberries, doused it in wine, and called it a day? Here's a good rule of thumb. If I can make it, it's not an especially good effort on the contestant's part. Betty has made spicy coconut curry, with steamed mussels and mango couscous. Harold asks about Carlos' jalapenos, and is told that they're purely garnish. Suyai has made tequila lime shrimp, with chunky mango and avocado salsa. That sounds great. She's just happy the damn thing caught on fire. Heh. Sam has made espresso shrimp flambeed with sambuca, roasted hazelnut, and peanut paste. Harold seems to like it, though you know Harold. Not the most emotional guy in the world. That's all the entries we see.

Harold says that he was impressed with most of the dishes, especially the ones incorporating seasonal ingredients. As far as the ones he didn't like, he hates non-functional garnish, so he's not happy with Carlos. Elia's red wine disaster sucked as well. Suyai's lacked seasoning, and the shrimp were a little undercooked. On the flip side, Sam, Emily, and Betty all get high marks. Jeez, this show likes to ignore Emily, doesn't it? I know she's not going to be on the cover of Vogue anytime soon, but come on! They do have the grace to at least flash a picture and subtitle of what she prepared, which was sliced pork chops in applesauce, red plums, and Granny Smith apples. Oh my God, that sounds so good. [It is here that the cardinal rule of writing about Top Chef reared its head again. Never sit down to write an entry until you've eaten. I'm starving. -- OK, I'm back. I've got nothing in the apartment, so I had to go out for the nearest thing my neighborhood has to offer: fried chicken and beer. Not quite the gourmet tonight. --Limecrete] When Betty is told she did well, she gives a scarily huge grin and tells Harold that she loves him. Shut up, Betty. Harold announces the winner, giving the proper Dramatic Pause before doing so. The winner is Sam, who says he's "stoked" and that the news is "awesome". Great, man. Perhaps you can make something "tubular" later. The chefs are reminded that Sam is the only one who cannot be eliminated tonight. Elia hopes to bounce back in the next challenge.

Evening. The chefs break out the wine and beer. Otto says that chefs party "like rock stars without the budget". I have no idea what that means. Everyone clinks glasses. Ilan says that everyone had some beers and got a little toasted, while Michael had a few more beers and got more toasted. Michael spills beer on his shirt. I'm shocked. All he needs to do now is break out into "Louie, Louie", and the stereotype is complete. He takes off his shirt, and swaggers off to bed. Carlos and Cliff aren't thrilled to be his roommates, and briefly lock him out of the bedroom. Heh.

Commercials. "If you go to work early, and come home late, you're a Ford kinda guy." Ummm.....OK.

Morning. Michael drags himself into the kitchen. He interviews that the other chefs think he's "crazy". No, the other chefs think you're a loser. There's a non-sequitur into Michael saying that his mother only ever hit him once. Marcel says that maybe she should have hit him a few more times. He may be joking, but he delivers it completely deadpan. This is our cue to hear about how unlikable Marcel is. I can totally buy that he's a dick, but honestly? Who wouldn't like to hit Michael a couple of times? Ilan says that if this were a demeanor competition, Marcel would go home first. Yeah, he'll never win a beauty pageant of kindness. And now, the interview so trite and predictable, my newt saw it coming. Yes, Marcel isn't here to make friends. This is about the food! Sure it is. And according to Limecrete's Rule, Marcel is now eliminated.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs walk into the Kitchen, where all of the judges await. Padma describes the challenge. The chefs will divide into two groups: black and orange. This just serves as a reminder that the Halloween party is on Saturday, and my costume's not done. Got to get on that tomorrow! Teams will be formed randomly by the ever-popular knife drawing. Everyone draws a knife out of the butcher block and splits up. Padma points out some wooden boxes that contain five mystery ingredients. The challenge will be to create a dish that incorporates all five. The orange group (Suyai, Marisa, Ilan, Frank, Carlos, Michael, and Elia) will cook first. The black group will taste their food and vote for their two favorite and two least favorite. Otto interviews that other chefs are the toughest critics. The black group is dismissed. The orange group has two hours to create tasting portions for the black group (and the judges). Go!

The mystery box contains escargot, American cheese, potatoes, artichokes, and peanuts (they're called bar peanuts -- I guess to differentiate them from their fancier roasted cousins). Those certainly are random ingredients. Marisa's response to these ingredients is "Oh, fuck". Indeed. Suyai is nervous. Michael finds the Kitchen eerily quiet. Elia wants to prove herself worthy after her crappy Quickfire performance. Ilan is winging it at this point. Suyai freaks out some more. Marisa says that she was trying to focus on what she was doing, and cut herself with the knife. Guess you weren't so focused, then. Why not "use your sexuality" to heal the cut? Carlos helps her wrap it up. She says she can handle the pain, but worries about losing time. Frankly, I'd be more worried about the puddle of blood over by her ingredients. With forty minutes remaining, Ptom comes in to do his typically unhelpful walkthrough. Marisa shows off her bandaged finger and laughingly asks for a knife lesson after the competition is over.

Elia disdains the cheese to Ptom. She interviews that American cheese is a funky product that shouldn't exist. Hey, you if you don't like it, go back to Oaxaca, traitor! Michael tells Ptom that he grilled the escargot in some garlic butter, and is making an artichoke cheese dip. I'm still waiting to hear an idea out of him that doesn't sound like it belongs at Applebee's. Suyai is still freaking out. She tells Ptom that she is not doing well, and that her only shot right now is that someone messes up more than she has. Ptom asks if she thinks it's a good idea to tell him this. She says she doesn't know what else to say. Ptom nods and walks away with a happy smile, because yay! He now has ammunition to use against someone that has absolutely nothing to do with the food! Prick. Ptom leaves when there are about thirteen minutes left, and interviews about his general impressions, from the difficulty of using processed cheese to Suyai's lack of confidence. One madcap cooking montage later, and we're done. The judges and the black team stride in.

Carlos presents first. He's made an artichoke potato cake with the escargot on the side, and a coconut sambal peanut sauce. Josie interviews that she was disappointed with his dish, saying it's underseasoned, and expected more from a chef who bragged earlier about a four-star review. Which is why these tastings should have been blind. But whatever. Frank has made ravioli, stuffed with the escargot and American cheese. On top of this is a potato, bell pepper, and peanut sauce. Sounds good. I see strips of artichoke lining the plate, but I don't know if they're meant to be eaten or not. Marisa has made a pate brisee tart with snail garnish. Pretentious Chef to English: pate brisee. Noun. A French short-crust pastry dough made of flour, sugar, ice water, salt, and butter. She included some carmalized onion and balsamic vinegar, though we never hear what she did with the actual mystery box ingredients. Michael has made shoestring potatoes with artichoke cheese sauce, and peanut pesto on the escargot. Mia doesn't care for the pesto. Elia has made buttery escargot with the artichoke and American cheese, and mashed potatoes with parsley, ginger, butter, and garlic. She manages to bash American cheese again. Hey, you don't hear me over here carping about how disgusting refried beans are! Oh, wait. Betty is very impressed with Elia's dish. Ilan has baked the escargot into the shell. He's also gotten an impressive amount of work done in the short time span, including poaching the artichokes, chopping the peanuts up, etc. Everyone loves it. Suyai has made braised potatoes and artichokes, and garlic escargot with American cheese sauce. Marcel is unimpressed. I get the feeling I'll be typing that sentence a lot.

The orange team is dismissed. The black team votes. Betty says she'll speak up for the two worst dishes (though she invites anyone to disagree). Carlos and Suyai. Everyone seems to be on board with that. Suyai's had too much vinegar and too much red wine. Emily didn't even want to swallow it. Ouch. Carlos had too many competing flavors. As far as their favorite two, Ilan is mentioned without hesitation. The dish was immaculately presented. Cliff says he should be "damn proud" of it. Betty liked Frank's ravioli, but Elia's is more popular, overall. Ptom asks which of the dishes they'd be happiest with if asked to pay for it in a restaurant. Then Betty interviews that Ptom asked which of the dishes they'd be happiest with if asked to pay for it in a restaurant. Yes, thanks. I actually was present three seconds ago. We don't hear their answer.

Commercials. Cows like earthquakes. Or something.

Time for the black team to get their mystery boxes. Same time limit, of course. Their five ingredients are frog legs, chicken liver, eggplant, cornflakes, and peanut butter. Yeesh. This one seems more difficult. Betty interviews that the five ingredients are frog legs, chicken liver, eggplant, cornflakes, and peanut butter. YES, THANK YOU. I AM, IN FACT, WATCHING THE SHOW. Everyone gets to work. Marcel disdains Otto's habit of grabbing one thing at a time. Well, I disdain your hair, twit. With an hour left, it's Ptimewasting with Ptom. Betty's never used frog legs, but is working off the assumption they taste like chicken. Yeah, they kinda do. She's also pureeing the chicken liver to make into a little cake, which looks disgusting. The puree looks disgusting, that is. Not the overall chicken livers, which are so completely delicious. Man, I love those. Marcel is making frog leg lollipops. Mia is quite pleased with her array of ingredients, making what she calls "Sunday dinner at grandma's house". Cliff says he usually uses cornflakes to line the cat bowl. Heh. For now, he's using them to bread the livers. Otto frets over the time his rice is taking to cook. People plate up. Time runs out. Marcel believes he is going to be in the top three. Marcel must have had a heaping bowl of delusion with breakfast.

He presents first. In addition to the frog leg lollipops, there is a chicken liver puree with garlic and parsley sauces. I don't know where the eggplant and peanut butter are. Marisa says the garlic is overpowering (translation: "I don't like Marcel"). Frank says that Marcel talks a better game than he plays (translation: "I don't like Marcel"). Care to rethink that interview about how you don't need to cultivate friendly relationships, because this competition is all about the food? Betty feels fairly confident in this challenge. She's made a cake from the frog leg and chicken liver meat, a salad, and peanut vinaigrette. Ilan really likes it. Sam has made a tumeric and cornflake-crusted frog leg, with eggplant and caper saute, and a duo of sauces. Me likey capers! Josie calls her dish "East meets West meets Southwest". I guess the North can just suck it. She's made a frog leg nugget, with chicken liver peanut butter, and eggplant jelly. Interesting. I'd actually be curious to try that. Cliff has made the eggplant into a sort of chip, has braised the frog leg, and breaded the chicken liver with cornflakes. Michael doesn't like the chicken liver. Emily has made cornflake and peanut butter-crusted frog legs with grilled eggplant. She's included mint and cilantro and glued it to the rest of the food using peanut butter. Heh. I think I may like Emily. Frank enjoys it. Otto has coated the frog leg in cornflakes and made a rice/chicken liver/vegetable saute with a peanut sauce. Also some brown rice. Ilan interviews that he was surprised at how underseasoned Otto's dish was. Mia has followed through on her Southern-style Sunday dinner. She's made chicken-fried frog leg with garlic mashed eggplant and wilted arugula. Sounds tasty. Michael enjoys her frog legs.

The black team is dismissed. The orange team fairly easily hits upon Betty and Mia as the two favorite, though Emily gets praised as well. When it comes time to discuss their least favorite, Ilan volunteers Otto and Marcel. Everyone rushes to agree about Otto. The seasoning was off, etc. Suyai's quote has to be taken verbatim. "The liver, I found very hard. The liver was, like, 'Hello, I'm a liver.'" Hahahahaha! That's totally going to be the line I find myself shoehorning into conversations this week. Ilan describes the overwhelming garlic in Marcel's dish. Elia disagrees, saying she liked Marcel's simple presentation. Carlos agrees about the overwhelming garlic, and Ilan jumps in to assert his point again. Dude, we've got it. Now it's time for other people to talk. Don't make me break out the conch shell. Carlos picks out Marcel's and Cliff's as the worst. It's generally agreed upon that Cliff's dish wasn't cohesive enough. They have to take a vote to determine who to choose as the worst. Looks like Elia loses out. "Majority rules," Michael smarms. Oh, is that how voting works? Thanks, I was confused.

Commercials. My like for Clint Eastwood battles with my dislike for Ryan Phillippe. Dislike wins.

Judges' Table. Harold thinks the Elimination Challenge was quite difficult as a first challenge. The judges feel that overall, most people did quite well. The orange group showed a lot of versatility. Gail agrees with the chefs' decision to make Elia and Ilan the top two of that group. When it comes to the black group, Ptom liked Betty's cake, but thought the slaw was a throwaway. Harold disagrees, saying it complemented the cake well. Mia's was fantastic. It wasn't the most refined dish, but probably the most satisfying. Padma goes back and calls these four chefs to the table. Elia's nervous, not knowing if this is good or bad news. She soon finds out that it's good. When she's praised, she bashes the American cheese yet again, and said that if she had more time, she would have done something different with the artichokes. Mia showed a personal point of view in a tasty way. She's delighted. Ilan combined wonderful flavors, especially for someone who's never worked with escargot before. Gail, in particular, is more animated than I've ever seen her. Betty showed a sense of style and her cake was a great idea. Harold gets to announce the winner. Dramatic Pause. The winner is Ilan. Mia's face morphs into a death glare. Jeez, you'd think that winning the Elimination Challenge actually carried a single benefit. It still doesn't. All Ilan gets for winning is credit for winning. This is a poorly planned aspect of the show. The Quickfires, by definition, shouldn't be as important as the Elimination Challenge, and yet they're more so. Ilan is happy. Mia continues looking sour. Ptom points out that Harold won the first Elimination Challenge, and went on to win the entire season. No pressure, Ilan.

Padma asks them to send in Suyai, Marcel, Carlos, and Otto. They walk back to the Kitchen. Mia announces Ilan's win, and sends the bottom four to the Judges' Table. She wishes them luck. The bottom four walk in to an odd gong noise on the soundtrack. Otto is asked what he thinks went wrong. He surmises that the rice was undercooked. Harold says that he didn't feel Otto's dish had enough depth. Ptom asks why he should be spared. Otto replies that every chef has a bad day. Suyai admits that she panicked. Gail says that the judges agreed with the chefs voting it a least favorite, but that there were parts of the dish that she enjoyed. Just try to look at the condescending smile Ptom gives Gail at this point and not want to shake him until his teeth rattle. "Silly little woman," it says. Suyai knows she has to step it up. Marcel has no idea why he's standing there, because he's perfect. He says he liked his "utilization" of the mystery "basket" ingredients, by which he means "use" of the mystery "box" ingredients. But those words are shorter, so they must not carry as much meaning. Harold actually agrees that Marcel's dish was fine, and that he does not belong in the bottom four. Since Carlos was part of the team that sent Marcel here, he's asked for his reasoning. He brings up the garlic. Marcel becomes even douchebaggier, as he says that people are just scared that he'll do well, and are trying to get him out of the way so that they'll have less intense competition. He's actually close to the probable real answer, which is that everyone hates his guts. He just thinks it's about the food, and it's...not. Ptom informs us that Carlos was done forty-five minutes early. Carlos admits that he should have taken more time to plan out what he wanted to do. Ptom asks if Carlos would be "proud" to serve the dish in his restaurant. Trick question, since if he says "yes", he'll be nailed for supporting lackluster food, and if he says "no", he'll be nailed for lacking confidence. He wriggles out of it quite nicely by saying that while the dish certainly wasn't his crowning achievement, it wasn't "crap on a plate" either. Well played, Carlos. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Carlos didn't think his food through enough. There was no complexity to his dish. Gail thinks that no matter what the reason that Marcel was selected as one of the worst, the fact that his peers all agreed that he belonged there has to be taken into consideration. Ptom says that his peers just want to knock him down a peg. That garlic was strong, but nothing on the plate was aggressively bad. Elia is watching this somewhere, cackling and thinking "take that, majority vote". Suyai's nerves got the best of her, which Ptom points out is the first thing she said to him in his walkthrough. OK. I don't like the way Ptom's observations are structured, but he did fairly warn the chefs that they'd be taken into consideration. But just when Ptom starts to make a glimmer of sense, off he goes into Assville again. He says Otto did the same thing, by willingly referencing his undercooked rice. Gail tries to gently point out that they kind of, you know, DIRECTLY ASKED OTTO WHAT HE'D CHANGE ABOUT HIS DISH, but Ptom's not buying. God, I fucking hate him. Harold says that it's important to stand behind your food, implying that you shouldn't come out and admit when something didn't turn out right. Shut up, Harold. You fell on the sword plenty. The judges reach a decision. The bottom four come back in.

Commercials. God bless that lady for at least attempting to do The Worm.

Elimination. One of you has to go. Otto has too much experience to allow undercooked rice to be served. Hey, I thought he was supposed to stand behind it. Christ, if you're going to come up with bullshit critiques, could you at least stick to one? Suyai lacks confidence. Marcel shouldn't be so quick to pawn off his low placement on jealousy. Carlos was unfocused. And the loser is... Suyai. Please pack your knives and go. Wow, it feels so weird to type that without the robot-speak. Padma actually infuses it with a little too much emotion. You're not sending Suyai to the guillotine. Suyai thanks the judges, and goes back to hug everyone good-bye. She's not surprised at her elimination, admitting she pretty much did this to herself. She's not sure what she'll be doing next, but will certainly keep on cooking. She goes out by laughingly saying that at least she knows how to flambe now. Hehehe. Aw, she would have been fun.

This season on Top Chef: Cooking. Fire. Tension. Shopping. Fighting. Bitchy judging. Crying. Threatening. Betty showing an inappropriate amount of boob. I don't know, you guys. If the judging continues to be as arbitrary and unfair, I'm not sure I'm in for the whole season. Consider yourself on probation, Top Chef.

Overall Grade: C