The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 5
Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams raced from Moscow, Russia to Stuttgart, Germany. A bunch of people bashed each other in the head with bottles. But nicely. Fran and Barry didn't suck wind for a change. Wanda and Desire tried to work with Double D, but all they accomplished was having to directly compete with each other to avoid elimination. Double D emerged victorious, mostly because Dani found one of those gnomes faster. That's really fucking sad when you stop to think about it. So, we bid adieu to the mom and her Natalie Portmanesque daughter. That's OK, I hear V for Vendetta is doing really well. Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Lake and Michelle remind me that I really need to make a dental appointment soon.
Munich, Germany. It's purty. Phil says it's known for banking and beer. Hooray for money and alcohol! Phil wonders if Lake and Michelle can stay at the front of the pack (which means they'll fall behind) and if Dave and Lori can keep on keeping on with their solid relationship (which means they'll fight). See why I wish they'd cut these ponderous Phil questions at the beginning? The Tools will leave the mat first at 2:15 AM. Their clue tells them to fly to the island of Sicily; specifically to Palermo, Italy. Or as Jeremy says it, PAH-lur-mo. Is that anywhere near San Paolo? Once in (picture it...) Sicily, teams must make their way to the Teatro Massimo, a local opera house. The Tools tool off for the airport. The Hippies leave next at 3:04 AM. That's quite a substantial lead the Tools built up last week. They're going to win this whole freaking race, aren't they? Sigh. Anyway, the Hippies interview that they use humor as a way of ensuring good karma. Or something. Lake and Michelle leave the mat at 3:09. Lake mangles "Palermo", too. They meet up with the Hippies to find their way to the airport, and Lake interviews something about how he's still the leader of the team. What'ere.
The Tools arrive at the airport, and approach the information counter. The agent there tells them that the first flight is with Alitalia, connecting through Rome. I don't hear the arrival time, because Eric is being a tool. You think reading that over and over is tiresome and repetitive? Try watching it. They camp out at the Alitalia counter, which is not open yet. The Hippies and Lake/Michelle arrive. They briefly greet the Tools, who are playing around in wheelchairs, then Lake and Michelle head for an available internet connection downstairs. The Hippies, however, decide to do a wheelchair obstacle course mini-race against the Tools. Eric and BJ race. Eric wins. I'm telling you, it's a metaphor for the entire race! I don't want it to be so, I'm just sensing it! The Hippies decide to go see what Lake and Michelle have found out. Not much, as it seems that the webpage Michelle has logged onto is in German. Imagine that. The Hippies, on another computer, manage to access a page in English, and purchase tickets which get them into Palermo at 10:15 AM. Lake and Michelle can't figure out how to do the same, and give up on the internet.
Frankenberry leaves the mat at 5:03 AM. They say they're learning from their mistakes. Well, they've certainly made plenty to learn from. Dave, Lori, and the Happy Tootling Nerd Music depart the mat at 5:28 AM. They're still in love. Although they are pretty much my favorite team, could we hear about something else for a change? They're in love! We get it! MoJo leaves the mat at 5:52 AM. More murder of the word "Palermo". I mean, I get that foreign words get mispronounced, but it's Palermo! Part of me wishes these people would get sent to Vladivostok. They'd probably wind up in Ohio. Monica says that people mistakenly view her as a dumb blonde, just as she mispronounces Palermo again. Oh, that was just mean, show. Still. Hehehe.
Back at the airport, Lake and Michelle have gotten behind the Tools at the Alitalia counter. The Hippies tell them about the flight they're on, then head for their gate. The counter opens. Hey, guess what? The Hippies got the last seats on that early flight. Damn, are they lucky. Lake and Michelle bemoan the fact that they should have gotten those tickets, but are surprisingly not that worked up about it. I suppose it is rather early in the day. I know I can't whip myself up into an angry frenzy until I've had my coffee. They decide to head for Lufthansa to see about other tickets. The Tools try another tactic, asking for standby tickets on the Hippies' flight. I roll my eyes, because of course they'll get it. They're the Tools. Lake and Michelle purchase tickets that get them into Palermo at 2:00 PM. Eek. I have a hard time believing nothing lands in Palermo between 10:15 AM and 2:00 PM. It looks like they just panicked and bought the first available tickets they discovered. Frankenberry arrives, and heads straight for Lufthansa. They hear about the same flight Lake and Michelle just got onto. However, Barry has the presence of mind to ask about better connecting flights. There is one through Alitalia that gets into Palermo at 1:25 PM. See? Fran waves her arms around like a goof. They buy the tickets. Lake approaches to ask what they got, and Frankenberry rudely snots that Lake needs to step away from them. I guess they think he's trying to piggyback on their information? No, Lake clearly tells them he and Michelle already have their tickets, but Fran's already worked herself up, so she keeps telling him to step away. Jeez, Fran. What'd you have for breakfast? Carnation Instant Bitch?
OF COURSE the Tools make it onto the early flight along with the Hippies. They're off to Rome. Dave, Lori, and the Happy Tootling Nerd Music get the same tickets Frankenberry got. Ray and Yolanda are just now leaving the mat at 6:48 AM. That's quite a time gap. Ray says he's getting to know Yolanda a lot better on the race, including the fact that she has her own mind. Yolanda grins at the camera like "Did he really just say something that dumb?". She's a cutie. MoJo's at the airport. It actually takes them a few tries to buy tickets, because they both have no idea how to pronounce "Palermo". I cannot tell you how already sick of typing "Palermo" I am. The word has lost all meaning. They get the same tickets as Dave/Lori/Frankenberry. Double D leaves the mat at 7:28 AM. Wow, they suck. They say they're going to take their time, and that slow and steady wins the race. Because they've been doing so well.
Dave/Lori/Frankenberry/MoJo/Lake/Michelle all board their plane. Lake complains about being tied with everyone else, apparently not knowing that he's not so much "tied", since everyone else will have a good half hour jump on him the second they step off the plane.
Ray and Yolanda (and Double D right behind them) buy tickets that get them into Palermo at the same time as Lake and Michelle. How did Double D catch up to Ray and Yolanda at the ticket counter? They were like 45 minutes behind! Weird editing. Meanwhile, the Tools and Hippies discover that they have different connecting flights, which will put the Hippies ahead. The Tools will still lead everyone else. And through the magic of television, we're there! I wish all my flights were that short. Palermo, Italy. The Hippies arrive, and find a taxi. The middle group lands in Rome. This is where Lake and Michelle discover the mistake they made. Whoopsie! They try to get tickets on the earlier flight, but it's full. Lake is upset, but more at the people who have the nerve to be outracing him than at himself. Well, sure.
Commercials. I'm sorry, I just have no interest in "texting" someone. Nor in using "text" as a verb.
Michelle tells Lake not to worry too much, since someone else is bound to screw up something.
Blood Ray: "She may have to fly there naked!"
Limecrete: "That never gets old."
Normally, I'd tell Michelle that she can't really count on other teams being dumbasses, but then I remembered that Double D is still in the mix, so it's probably not a bad guess. Speaking of whom, here they are, along with Ray and Yolanda, catching up. The Hippies find the opera theater, and the clue box in front of it. It tells them to pick a marked car and drive themselves to the town of Castellammare Del Golfo, 42 miles away. The next clue box will be on the seaside terrace of the fortress there. OK, so, hope you enjoyed the opera theater, of which we saw nary a stone. Sorry, I've been reading Jane Austen, and I'm starting to pick up her inflection. The Tools land. I'm still not going to revisit their "Woo! Women!" speeches. I just wish they'd shut the fuck up for five minutes. The next grouping lands in Palermo. I have no idea how far behind the Tools they are. The last grouping lands. Everyone's headed for the opera theater. Tools. Clue. Jeremy takes the time to fix his hair, because he is a twelve-year-old girl.
The Hippies easily find the next clue box. We barely see the fortress. I mean, I know we're supposed to be focused on the teams and the race and everything, but if you're going to show this little of the scenery, you may as well have the race take place entirely within a Sam's Club. Anyway. Detour! Foundry or Laundry. In Foundry, teams walk to a nearby metalworks and pick up a 110-pound bell. Then they load it onto a little golf cart lookin' vehicle and drive it to a staircase. Once they carry the bell up the stairs, they deposit it at the nearby church, where the priest will hand them their next clue. In Laundry, teams find an intersection where a bunch of laundry lines have been hung up. Once there, teams have to search through 2400 pieces of laundry to find one of 16 with a red and yellow tag sewn in. Once they find it, they trade the clothing for a clue from the local washerwoman. The Hippies go for Laundry. They find the clothes and begin searching.
MoJo is first of the middle group to find the clue box at the theater. Then Frankenberry. Then Dave and Lori. Dave tries to take a clue, even though Lori's already got one, and she has to get a bit hysterical at him for a second before he realizes what he's done. I seem to remember Freddy and Kendra got a penalty that almost put them out of the race for a similar goof, so Lori's got good reason to go a little nuts. Once on the road, Monica snips at Joseph about directions. Fran snips at Barry about his driving. Lori snips at Dave about getting on the highway. Moral of the story? All women are horrible nags. Ah, the things this show teaches me. Back at the laundry lines, BJ finds one of the marked clothes. They trade it for their clue, which tells them to drive 13 miles to the town of Segesta. Once there, they find the Teatro Di Segesta. This is no opera house. It's the ruins of an ancient amphitheater, and is extremely beautiful. Yes, they actually let you see it! Two more things of note. One, there's a Yield ahead. We'll get to that in a bit, race newbies. Two, the Hippies are wearing shirts that read "Bowling" and "Moms". Hehehehe. Awesome. I loved those two.
The Tools talk about their horrible mistake that has put them in such a shameful position. That'd be second place for those of you following along. Ray/Yolanda/Double D hit the opera house cluebox at the same time. Ray and Yolanda get a good jump, because Double D is having trouble with their stick shift. Sigh. I don't have to throw that tantrum again, do I? Lake and Michelle, now in last place, get their opera house clue. Of course, they're not in last for long, because Double D is still lurching along in their car. The Tools get their fortress (aka Detour) clue. Despite being such "manly men", they opt for Laundry. They begin searching. They're both looking into the same pieces of clothing. Because it takes two people to spot a tag. Dinks. MoJo gets the fortress clue and picks Foundry. Jeremy finds a marked piece of clothing. They're off to Segesta, and actually fail to hit on the washerwoman. So the only thing you gals need to do to avoid being slimed on by these two is be seventy years old. You can handle that, right?
The Hippies have reached the amphitheater and the Yield. OK, the Yield. I should preface this by saying I pretty much hate the Yield, because I believe teams should rise and fall on their own merits. If you race well, you place high. If you make mistakes, you place low, and are eliminated. The Yield throws an element of interference into the game which I do not care for. What the Yield does is allow a team to pick another team behind them to stop racing for a predetermined amount of time. The Yielded team is forced to turn over an hourglass, and must wait until the sand runs out (though I don't think it's an actual hour) before continuing on. Teams may only use a Yield once, and there are only two on the race. There are numbers posted on the Yield, so you know what place you're in when you reach it, though I don't believe you know for sure which teams are behind you, so you may very well waste it if you happen to pick a team that's beating you. The Hippies choose not to Yield anyone. Yeah, they're in a good enough position that it'd be a waste, and would only make someone unnecessarily angry at them. They pick up their clue. Roadblock! The hint is "Who's good at piecing things together?". Phil lets us in on the fact that the Roadblock involves putting together a statue out of pieces provided. He also tells us that the teams don't know that there are two extra pieces that don't belong. Well, that's evil. Not deliciously evil, either.
Tyler is drafted for the Hippies. MoJo starts transporting their bell. Joseph is walking too fast for Monica to keep up her end of the bell, so she yells at him. The yelling I can get behind, because that would be extremely frustrating. The dropping the bell to stand there and berate him? Not so much. He snaps at her to pick up the bell and get moving. Yeah, I'm with him on that one. You can yell at him at the pitstop, Monica. Time's kind of a factor, here. Frankenberry seems to be a bit lost, but finds MoJo just as Joseph hoists the bell into the little cart thingy. Once at the staircase, Joseph picks up the bell by himself, waving off (well, not literally - since, you know...the BELL) Monica's attempts to help him. He's not slouching, either. He's actually running up a staircase with a 110-pound bell on his back. That was kind of hot. In shades of the first episode, Frankenberry walks right by the clue box again. Oh, for fuck's sake. I'm confused as to why I don't dislike them more. They're not particularly competent. They're not particularly nice. They're not particularly cute. Shouldn't I hate them? And yet I don't. Weird. Monica leads Joseph to the priest, so they're off to the amphitheater.
Frankenberry finds the clue box. Good, I don't think I could sit through another volley of them wandering around aimlessly. They finally pick the correct Detour for them, and head for Laundry. Barry jokes about how the young 'uns don't even know what a clothespin is. I say the same thing about top-loading VCRs. Dave and Lori, in fifth place, also pick Laundry. Barry finds a piece of marked clothing. They pass Dave and Lori on their way out. Ray and Yolanda find the Detour. They're gym rats, so they go for Foundry. Lake and Michelle, fairly jolly for being in seventh place, find the clue box and choose Laundry. Double D is not far behind. They also choose Laundry. They try to convince themselves they're not doing too badly, given their inexperience with traveling. I'm thinking that's not really the issue, ladies. Ray and Yolanda carry their bell. The other teams converge on Laundry. Lake mistakes some actual people's laundry for the Detour. Hehehe. There's even a person on the balcony, probably thinking "Why are these people trying to root through my underwear?" I know I often find myself thinking that. Michelle sets him straight. So now three teams are frantically searching the laundry lines. Dave begins to get frustrated.
Commercials. The DaVinci Code. Yeah, no thanks.
More frantic laundry searching. Ray and Yolanda basically copy MoJo's journey, with Ray taking the bell up the stairs. Yolanda's all heated up watching him carry it around, though she does remind him not to drop it on the priest's feet. Heh. They take off for the amphitheater. They've made up a nice chunk of time, there. Lori finds a piece of marked clothing. Yay! Ray and Yolanda ask someone for directions, but get a bit panicky when they see Dave and Lori tearing out of there. Lori points out to Dave that they just need to follow the signs to Segesta. Then she prays that someone gets lost. God looks down and says "Well, you seem like a nice girl. Sure." Ray and Yolanda get lost. That seems to happen to them a lot. Not so in with the navigation, those two.
The Tools have arrived at Segesta. Tyler continues to piece together his statue. He finishes, and puzzles over the two extra pieces. No pun intended. He asks the "archaeologist" to look it over, and is given the go-ahead. Their final clue tells them to make their way one mile on foot to the Tempio Di Segesta, an ancient Greek temple, serving as this week's pit stop. The Tools spot the Hippies leaving and beat themselves up some more about not being in first place. I mean it, just five minutes of them not being total douchebags is all I ask. The greeter this week is a very pretty young lady, which causes my stomach to seize in terror. She's pretty, and the Tools are on their way. It's like seeing a car accident about to happen, but it being too late to warn anyone. You just have to stand there and watch it. The Hippies step up, and are told they're team number one. They win some weird computer/photo imaging prize. I'll just take a trip to Maui, thanks. The Tools reach the Roadblock, and choose not to Yield anyone. Eric takes the Roadblock. Jeremy offers to disrobe to show Eric what his template should be. FIVE MINUTES. MoJo arrives in Segesta. Eric finishes his statue. They leave. MoJo doesn't Yield anyone, and Monica takes the Roadblock. The Tools arrive at the pitstop as team number two, and aren't happy about it. Phil actually admonishes them for not being happy with second. I love you for it, Phil, but it's a losing battle.
Back at Laundry, Michelle finds a piece of marked clothing. Lake says he saw Segesta on their map, so they get going. Dave and Lori drive. Lake and Michelle discuss the Yield. Dani finally finds a piece of marked clothing. They vow to not give up. Well, good. People who give up annoy the piss out of me, not that I'll be mentioning any names, Lance, Marshall, Hayden, and Aaron. Ray and Yolanda? Still lost. They finally catch on, and get back on track. Frankenberry arrives in Segesta, and spots a massive sign pointing the way to the amphitheater. Monica works on her statue, and is getting flustered. Joseph yells at her to not get frustrated. Much as I'd find someone yelling at me to not get frustrated...frustrating - he's right. She'll do better once she calms down. In fact, Joseph seems to be very good at pulling Monica back from the brink of tantrums that could well damage their placement in the race. That's a helpful talent. Frankenberry chooses not to Yield anyone. Fran takes the Roadblock. Monica is finished, but is worried over the two extra pieces. She asks the "archaeologist" anyway, and they get their clue. She calls herself an idiot, which she's not. Well, not in this instance. Those two extra pieces are bitchy. Fran finishes soon after.
Dave and Lori must have taken the long way to Segesta, because Lake and Michelle have caught up with them. This does not make Dave and Lori happy, and they take off running for the amphitheater. They can't keep up the pace, and it looks like Lake and Michelle might well overtake them. Which they may have, if they didn't miss the big honking sign pointing to the amphitheater and head the wrong way, much as they did in Brotas. MoJo checks in as team number three. Lake and Michelle think they've found the amphitheater, but what they've actually found is Phil at the pit stop. Whoopsie! They turn around, and meet Frankenberry coming in. Lake asks where the amphitheater is, and Barry throws a fairly snotty "Can't tell ya!" at him. I get the feeling Frankenberry really hates Lake. A lot. Frankenberry is team number four.
Ray and Yolanda are lost again. Sigh. Dani tells Danielle that they don't really have to worry about the Yield, since she's sure someone's been Yielded already. Fate examines her fingernails and says "This is almost too easy". Double D arrives in Segesta. Lake and Michelle have figured out where they need to go, and spots Double D heading for the Yield. They kick it into high gear. Dave and Lori are still trudging up the hill to the amphitheater, Dave now bathed in sweat. Mmm. They're not as happy about it as I am. They reach the Yield, and choose not to use it. Lori takes the Roadblock. Lake and Michelle reach the Yield. "I'm so sorry girls," Michelle says as she chooses Double D to be Yielded. Kablam! I don't like the Yield, but since it's there, it has to be used wisely, and this was. Lake and Michelle know there are two teams behind them, but the only one they can positively identify is Double D. They don't know who's lagging. They're worried about being passed and eliminated, and did what they had to do to stay in the game. Michelle reiterates for the camera that she really didn't want to do that. Aw. What is this soft spot I've grown for Lake and Michelle? They're such blowhards a lot of the time, but I found myself actively rooting for them not to be eliminated in this episode. Double D reaches the Yield and the bad news that they've got to stop. Not that I expect them to be happy about it, but they choose to take the Yield as a personal affront rather than a game tactic. Immature. Danielle snots that it's not like Double D is a threat to Lake and Michelle. Um, you totally are at this point. Lake and Michelle read the Roadblock, and Michelle makes Lake take it. Hasn't he done every single one so far? Even the ridiculously easy ones like jumping into a pool and looking for a gnome? They are so going to be doomed by the Roadblock split rule (assuming it's in effect).
Double D is still snotting about how they're going to pay back Lake and Michelle for Yielding them. Uh, huh. Lori and Lake work on their statues. Lori finishes, but is thrown by the extra pieces. Ray and Yolanda finally arrive. Double D, now not content to just throw vitriol at Lake and Michelle, decide to blame the entire South for their Yield. Shut up, bitches. Like you have any business even getting this far, anyway. Lori is still trying to figure out where the hell her extra pieces go. Lake has no such issues, and finishes his statue. He and Michelle are off. The Yield timer runs out. Lori frets that she's usually good at puzzles, and doesn't understand why she sucks so hard at the Roadblock. Dani begins her statue. Lori begins to freak out in earnest over her statue. This is exactly what would happen to me. I'm a methodical thinker. The possibility that the show would throw in extra pieces for the sole purpose of tripping me up would never occur to me. Lori seems to be similarly analytical. You just assume that if you're given puzzle pieces, you use them all. She begins to cry. Fuck.
Commercials. No, everybody does not love Raymond. I, for one, wish he'd go away.
Dave tries to help from the sidelines, but he only succeeds in making Lori even more upset. Dani works on her statue in no apparent hurry. Sure, what's the rush? Lori finally gives up and asks the "archaeologist" if the statue is correct without the extra pieces. It is, and they're done. Thank goodness. Lake and Michelle run for the temple. Lake calls Dave fat. Michelle tells him not to be ugly. Lake defends himself by saying that Dave is bigger than him. Oh, well that makes it OK, then. They pass Ray and Yolanda and yell that they can still make it. See that disparity? Pissing me off by making fun of Dave, followed by shouting encouragement to Ray and Yolanda, which is sweet. Lake and Michelle hit the pit stop as team number five. Lake sinks to his knees, and Phil says "Rise, my friend". Hehehe. Phil's punchy tonight. Ray and Yolanda are obviously unaffected by the Yield, so they proceed directly to the Roadblock. Ray takes it. Dani has finished her statue, but it's incorrect. On first viewing, I thought it was because she had tried to wedge the extra pieces in there, but no. She's just built a section of the leg backwards. Dave and Lori check in as team six. Whew. They're totally exhausted. Dave even tears up a bit, saying that he doesn't want them to be at each other's throats, which they were a bit. Lori understands that it's because they've had a terrible day, and it's not some deep problem with the relationship or anything. She gives him a kiss. I love them.
Ray is building his statue with quick efficiency. He taunts Double D a bit. "Come on, Dan. Cause I'm comin'. I'm comin' like Christmas." Hahahaha! Both of them ask the "archaeologist" if they're done. Ray is. Dani has built the exact same section incorrectly as before. Ray and Yolanda take off running. Dani figures out what's wrong soon after, and is told she's finished. So it's a footrace to the mat. If this were two other teams, it probably would have been more suspenseful, but Ray and Yolanda are no slouches in the running department. They hit the mat as team seven. That puts Double D into last, and they're out. God, finally. They're happy they made it so far. Well, yeah. One could argue that they only lost because of the Yield, which may be partially true. I believe that they really lost because they chose to build a motorcycle they knew nothing about in Episode 1. And picked the girl who's afraid of heights to do the rappel in Episode 2. And left their clue pack and passports behind in Episode 3. And steadfastly followed a clearly lost team in Episode 4. And couldn't drive a car, find a laundry tag, or build a statue in Episode 5. Phil doesn't want to hear about what they've accomplished as a team, only about how they're such sluts. Shut up, Phil. I certainly won't miss them, but that was just uncalled for.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Hectic marketplace. Looks like I spoke too soon about Joseph's ability to keep a tight rein on Monica's tantrums.
Overall Grade: B-
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