Merci, Bocuse

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 12

Previously on Top Chef: Padma stayed in bed. Robin stayed in the way. Toby stayed delusional about the notion that he's qualified to judge this show. Michael stayed in the winners' circle. Robin's stay was cut short. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Not much in the way of food, but I'm all for trying out a new wine, large quantities of which were consumed in short order. Also, I have to say that I'm rewatching this episode online, and whoever uploaded it has goofed the audio, so everyone sort of sounds like they're in an episode of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Hehe.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Bryan worries about how his restaurant is doing back home without him. Kevin misses his wife. Eli says that they're down to the five strongest chefs in the competition. I don't particularly agree with that assessment, but realize that it takes a lot longer to say: "We're down to the five people who didn't perform the worst in several off-kilter, severely-time-limited challenges," so I'll let it slide. Eli hopes to win for his mentor, Richard. Jenc once again vows to find her focus. Let's hope she means it this time.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Gavin Kaysen, who won the James Beard Rising Chef award. Getting one of those must pile on the pressure to succeed. Padma tells us that Gavin represented the United States in the 2007 Bocuse d'Or, which is basically the culinary Olympics. I read a little of that Wikipedia entry, and it's worth checking out what happened to Gavin in that competition. Oops! It also looks like an American has never even medaled in the Bocuse d'Or, let alone won. As to the Quickfire Challenge, the chefs will be recreating a version of one of Gavin's entries (a chicken ballotine with crayfish in the middle, and surrounded by chicken liver and more chicken). These chefs are to create a dish in ninety minutes that includes a protein within a protein within a protein. It's an appropriate time of year to do it. I've never eaten turducken, but I'd like to. No immunity for the winner, but Padma promises an advantage in the Elimination Challenge.

Ready? Go! Everyone scatters. Bryan is planning to put sausage around loin of lamb. He's worked with the technique before, and seems confident. Michael is going to put bacon inside of turkey inside of chicken. He's going in more of a terrine direction than a ballotine. Kevin thinks the brothers' dishes are too complicated for the time limit, so he's sticking with his signature simplicity, and making Scotch eggs. He insists that he and Eli are the ballsiest chefs, because they dare to make home-cooked food for a competition like Top Chef. Well, yes and no. I mean, sure the judges tend to reward complicated techniques, but let's not forget that Carla made it to the final three by sticking to simplicity, and Stephanie outright won without making frou-frou dishes, so let's not pretend you're breaking down any walls, here. Jenc returns to the welcoming bosom of seafood. Michael, who is to spend the entire episode sucking a lemon and generally acting like a teenager whose mother has confiscated his Game Boy, sneers that Jenc may have started off strong, but has gone as far as she can. Time runs out.

Gavin and Padma go down the line. Eli has made bacon-crusted sausage that has a six-minute egg in the center. Sounds tasty. Michael's terrine has chicken with turkey and bacon mousseline. Jenc has a calamari steak that incorporates scallops, salmon, shiitake mushroom, and shiso. There's also a rice noodle salad on the side. Gavin asks why she made seafood, and Jenc responds that it's always been her strong suit. "Welcome back," Padma says. Well, that's encouraging. Kevin winks at her. I didn't care for that wink; it seemed a little condescending. Bryan has made rack of lamb with sausage, which is then wrapped in caul fat. There are a couple of nifty sauces served in a colorful circle underneath the meat. Kevin has gone back to his roots again, with cornmeal-fried catfish surrounding scallops and shrimp. Bryan notes in interview that Kevin's food leans towards the simple, but that it's a fine strategy, as long as it's done correctly.

Results. Gavin found Kevin's catfish overcooked and the breading dry. Upon finding himself on the bottom for perhaps the first time ever, Kevin does not cover himself in glory. He begs to differ, saying that Gavin and he just have different tastes. I mean, it's fine to think that, but it makes it sound like there's no room for any less-than-stellar view of Kevin's food. I know he's a Golden Child, but if I'm not going to accept "If you like my food, it's because it's good. If you don't, it's because you don't get it," from other chefs, I'm not going to accept it from Kevin. Bryan's lamb tenderloin was cooked very well. Eli's concept was well-thought and well-executed. Jenc's calamari had the potential to come out tough, but didn't, and her dish was very successful. Michael is called on making a terrine instead of a ballotine. Michael sourly notes that the challenge was to wrap three proteins around each other, and if the challenge was "Make a ballotine," that's what he would have done. As with a lot of other things he's said this season: 1) He's right. 2) I completely agree, and 3) He's so snotty about it that it's tough to back him up. I wish he'd stop doing that. Anyhow, the winner of the challenge is Jenc, whose prize is an extra half hour to cook in the Elimination Challenge. Michael sucks another lemon.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be taking part in a Top Chef version of the Bocuse d'Or. I'm surprised it's taken six seasons for the idea to come up. Probably because unlike other reality programs, the contestant pool is getting more accomplished over time, instead of less. In this challenge, the chefs will create a presentation platter using one protein and two garnishes. They cannot just be simple side salads or grilled vegetables, but should be as intricate as they can be. Gavin gives the example of zucchini strips being woven into a basket. Yikes. The only proteins to choose from are lamb and salmon. I wonder why they imposed that limitation. The food will be served on a traditional mirrored platter, and the chefs will have four hours to cook (except Jenc, of course). There will be twelve diners, including advisors to American Bocuse d'Or competitors (who apparently aren't doing the best job), and culinary luminary Thomas Keller. The chefs are already jittery with nerves.

Shopping. Kevin has no specific dish planned, and is winging it as far as which ingredients he's buying. Once everyone is checked out, they head back to the house to plan their dishes. Well, Michael goes straight to bed, but everyone else plans their dishes. They watch a provided DVD of past Bocuse d'Or competitions to get an idea of how they need to present their food. Kevin wants to sous vide his lamb, and asks for detailed instruction about how to go about doing it. Bryan kindly gives him some advice, not wanting to be a prick about it. I like Kevin, and if it were up to me, I'd award him the Top Chef title right now, but he is really getting on my nerves tonight. There's a vast middle ground between being friendly with your competitors and doing their work for them. Someone who's won a buttload of challenges shouldn't have to get instruction from a competitor. I love Bryan for wanting to be a nice guy about it, but I wouldn't have seen anything wrong with "If you don't know how to do it, you probably shouldn't risk it for this challenge." Bryan surmises that Michael wouldn't have done the same thing in his position. Yeah, I don't think many of us would disagree.

The next day, the chefs head to a kitchen at the Wynn and get cooking. Eli says that everyone is being super-focused, and trying to catch mistakes before they happen. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste in that unfortunate purple chef coat that makes him look like Violet Beauregarde. He's accompanied by Thomas Keller, who offers some trite platitudes about putting your head down and getting to work. The chefs take him at his word, and go back to their stations. Michael is confident, having taken part in some culinary competitions in the past. I'm having a good giggle picturing him at the Pillsbury Bake-Off. He pulls bones out of his salmon. Jenc is a ball of nerves. Bryan is pushing his limits, and worries about getting his meat braised in time. Kevin looks after his sous vide. Michael whines that Kevin's food is good, but overly simple, snotting that the food Kevin makes is the food Michael makes on his day off. Oh, sorry we can't all climb to the culinary pinnacle that is hot wings with blue cheese dressing. This is not the first time Michael has sulked when Kevin outperformed him, and it's extremely unattractive. If you're so much better than him, then you'll beat him. It's that simple. Also simple: Five is more than three. That's how many Elimination Challenges Kevin has won compared to Michael's wins. Maybe you should take more days off, chief.

Ptom comes back to Ptimewaste even more. I'll spare you, except to say that all the chefs describe what they'll be doing. Post-walkthrough, he tells us that "details separate a good dish from a great dish." If Season 4's subtitle was "Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!", then this season shall surely be: "Top Chef 6 - DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH". Ptom ducks back into the kitchen to pile even more pressure on by announcing that the challenge's winner will receive $30,000. That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo! The chefs all have mini-freakouts. Out in the dining room, the judges and other diners get seated. Kevin knows that Bocuse d'Or is often about complex presentation, but he's hoping to squeak by on complex flavor, instead. He will be first to present, and goes out to face the firing squad.

We meet the diners. They're more Names. Kevin has made lamb loin poached in olive oil and caramelized fat. His garnishes are sherry-glazed golden beets with pickled Swiss chard stems, and baked asparagus with sunchoke cream and buttered toast. It all sounds delicious, but as far as presentation, I think he's gone beyond homey and simple, and into basic. It's a very plain plate of food. The judges agree, saying that everything tastes great, but is very elementary. Michael is up next. He introduces his food by saying it's a Mediterranean-inspired platter, and serves up salmon loin with crab and zucchini, a cauliflower/chickpea cake , and tzatziki with salmon belly tartare. Once he's gone, a Name calls the platter very pretty, but disparate, flavor-wise. A bone is found in his fish. Overall, the plate lacked harmony. Bryan struggles with time. Jenc is flush with time, and helps him get his food plated. That's the kind of nice-guy behavior I can get behind. She wants to beat him on flavor and technique, not a rule technicality. As he goes out to present, Bryan notes all the little mistakes he's made, which leaves him frustrated.

He pulls it together to present his food to the diners. He's made lamb loin crusted with parsley, a crepinette of lamb shank, garlic chips, and orzo pasta with sheep's milk cheese. The Names find the idea compelling and the presentation lovely, but the execution was off. The lamb is undercooked, but the judges feel that if Bryan had more time to work, it would have been spectacular. Eli has made pistachio-crusted lamb sausage wrapped around three different loins, ras-el-hanout with carrot puree and yogurt foam (that burps up a gas bubble), and tomato/pepper marmalade with capers on top of a brioche crouton. The lamb has a tarragon/asparagus coulis on top. The Names find the lamb undercooked and butchered poorly. The raw lamb fat ruins any benefits his platter may have had. His yogurt foam was good (better than Michael's tzatziki, in fact), but there's no overlooking his disappointing lamb.

Jenc nervously emerges, convinced that her food isn't up to snuff. Her protein is poached salmon topped with caviar and mushrooms, and her garnishes are shrimp flan with peas/chervil/truffles, and celery root squares with shiitake mushrooms. She's asked if she's done any food competitions before, and she admits that she hasn't. Her food is received with shrugs. Everything tastes fine, but there isn't much thought behind it. One of the Names' piece of fish is undercooked, but everyone else's is fine. The shrimp flan similarly varies from diner to diner. Each person seems to take a different view of her platter as a whole.

Despite all the criticism, Gail is proud that the chefs were able to put together what they did in the twelve hours since they've first heard the words "Bocuse d'Or". The chefs come back to the table and are applauded and congratulated. It turns out that there is yet another twist. The chef who wins will get to compete to be part of the American Bocuse d'Or team in 2011. Crikey. As they clean the kitchen, Bryan tells Michael that this may be the last time they cook together for a while. "Why, you think I'm going?" Michael sneers. "No. Me," Bryan says. Jesus, who pissed in Michael's cornflakes this morning? He either needs to start coming to some realizations about what revolves around what in this universe, or he needs to shut the fuck up for a while. Kevin tells us that no matter who gets eliminated, nobody need feel ashamed for going home on such a tough challenge.

Interstitial. Now that stupid, useless Robin is gone, all the chefs love each other.

Judges' Table. Padma summons everyone to the dining room. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back from their vacation. I'm glad they didn't get laid off in this tough economy. Michael's salmon, caviar, and cauliflower didn't fit his Mediterranean theme, not to mention the bones in one of the Names' portion. Bryan's lamb was undercooked, but the judges agree that with more time, he would have done a better job. Kevin's food was too simple. He tries out his usual line about how the techniques may be simple, but that's only so he can put out complex flavors. It doesn't go over as well as it has before, and Ptom thinks that he veered too far into basic cooking. Jenc's salmon didn't cook as slowly as it should have, thanks to thin pans. Her uneven cuts led to differing levels of doneness, as well. Eli's sausage had unappetizing gobs of fat in it. Before the chefs are dismissed, Ptom wants to reiterate that all five of them have done a great job, overall. The chefs thank him and trudge off.

Deliberations. Kevin rues not putting more technique into his food. Gail loved Eli's sauces, and wishes the lamb underneath them could have supported them properly. Padma thinks it was the worst of the lamb dishes. Jennifer's garnishes were fine, but her salmon was inconsistent. Kevin's dish was overly simple, but tasted great. Michael had good technique. He's never done a bad job with flavor... Until this challenge. Plus, that fish bone pops up again. Bryan had problems with his cooking that were brought on by the strict time limit. I'm all for allowing Bryan to continue in the competition, but they're selling this argument a little too hard. Bryan knew in advance how much time he'd have to cook, and if he was unable to execute his food properly within that time limit, he may have done better to have come up with a different idea. I don't know why I'm so cranky about these people tonight. Maybe there's just too much rule-bending in this episode for my tastes. Don't know how to do something? No problem! Just ask your competitor how to do it. Can't finish your food on time? No problem! We'll just judge it as if you had. You see what I'm getting at? The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. The winner of the $30,000 and the chance to compete to be on the American Bocuse d'Or team is... Kevin, whose superior flavors are deemed more important than his weak technique. Michael sucks yet another lemon. Jenc gives Kevin a hug. On the way out the door, he tells the other chefs that they all did a fantastic job. Thank you, O Golden Child. Ptom tells the remaining chefs that it's getting harder to cut each one. I'll buy that if it turns out the Final Four wasn't written in the stars long ago. Eli. Please pack your knives and go. Huh. I guess I must be psychic, as are a number of other internet denizens. Eli is satisfied that he has lasted this long, and that he went out on something of a high note. That's true. He's in a bit of mild shock, and figures he'll process all of those icky emotions later. Eh, don't worry about it, Eli. Nostradamus saw this boot coming.

Overall Grade: C

Casino Royale with Cheese

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: Natalie Portman wouldn't eat meat. Not even Clive Owen's. Jenc continued her depressing downward spiral, and the producers realized that with the Clash of the Golden Children almost upon us, there's no need for The Smarmy Guy anymore. Bye, Mike! Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Bryan talks to his family back home, and interviews about missing them a lot, which is never a good sign for one's continued success on a reality show. At least he shows a healthy balance between missing his loved ones and forging ahead with this opportunity. Too many people on TV show up acting like they were forced to try out for a reality show at gunpoint, and practically rend their clothes with grief when talking to someone back home. Jenc vows to pull herself together.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs go to a kitchen at the Venetian, and receive a call from Padma, who's kickin' it in a hotel room bed with Nigella Lawson. No, not like that, pervos. She tells the chefs that with all the hotels in Vegas, room service is big business, and so the Quickfire challenge will be to prepare an appropriate breakfast in bed. They have half an hour to get everything ready. Robin and Eli go first. Eli works on a modified Reuben, making sure to include corned beef, because as we all know, without the corned beef, it ain't a Reuben. Robin is typically frenetic, and runs around hysterically. She and Eli leave to take their food upstairs, and Michael and Kevin move in. Michael whines about the mess Robin has left behind, and then expresses his consternation with the strict time limit. At no point does he realize that one may have followed from the other.

Meanwhile, Robin serves her food to Padma and Nigella. It's a blintz with goat cheese, caramelized pineapple, and blueberries. Eli then brings in his Reuben Benedict with fried egg, Swiss cheese, sauerkraut, and a Thousand Island hollandaise. It looks pretty good, although I'm used to seeing fried eggs with harder yolks. Down in the kitchen, Kevin works on a hearty steak and eggs plate. Michael has created too much work for himself, and isn't going to be able to get his food done in the way he wants. Into this mess walks Robin, who's been told by some PA or other to go in and get her stuff. Michael curtly boots her out of the work area, and for all the times that I've looked down on the Robin-bashing, and all the times I've groused about Michael's attitude, he's completely in the right here. He is still being timed, and she is really in the way. She complains about how Michael's treating her, but not wanting someone wandering around in your workspace in the middle of a challenge is not rude, and she should have known better.

Michael is next to serve his food, which is a take on Cuban eggs with banana puree, rice, and bacon. "The thing about breakfast is that you can eat it at any time of the day," Nigella non-sequiturs. Um, thanks for that brilliant piece of insider information. Let me jot that down under "The chefs that make things with the least detriments will have an advantage," "The hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it," and "I want to make something quick [for the Quickfire]." This is such an educational season! Kevin tells Padma and Nigella that he's prepared a hearty breakfast in the Southern tradition. It's steak and eggs with creme fraiche, green onion, aged Cheddar, and a dusting of coffee.

LabRat: "Yeah, cause no Southern breakfast is complete without creme fraiche."

Bryan and Jenc are cooking down in the kitchen. Jenc has experience with room service, and works on chipped beef that she proudly calls "shit on a shingle". It doesn't appear to occur to her that serving shit on a shingle to judges may not be the wisest choice, but who knows? Maybe they'll love Army food. Bryan works on a four-minute egg to serve over corn polenta. Jenc serves her creamed chipped beef on toast with potato and tomato. Bryan's plate includes a vanilla sauce, crab, asparagus, and the aforementioned polenta. Once he's gone, Nigella tells Padma the dish would have been a "star" without the vanilla.

Results. First in the bottom two is Bryan, whose vanilla flavors clashed horribly with the crab. The other bottom-dweller is Robin, whose blintzes were one-note, and had no contrast. "I wasn't proud of what I did today," Robin says for what feels like the sixtieth time. For the good news, Kevin's steak and eggs really embraced the challenge, while Eli's modified Reuben had a nice tang of sauerkraut. That's enough to carry the day, and Eli wins. Though he doesn't get immunity, his recipe will be featured in a Top Chef cookbook devoted entirely to Quickfire entries. This strikes me as hilarious, as Quickfire dishes are often hastily conceived and even more hastily put together. Stephanie was talented enough to win her entire season, and completely sucked at Quickfires. It doesn't seem like the portion of the show that home cooks would be very eager to emulate.

Elimination Challenge. Padma says that it will involve celebrating the Strip of Las Vegas by sending the chefs to create a dish inspired by different casinos. That's a good idea, and I'm surprised that it took until now for the casino culture to be integrated into a challenge to this degree. The chefs draw knives.

Bryan - Mandalay Bay
Eli - Circus Circus
Michael - New York, New York
Kevin - The Mirage
Jenc - Excalibur
Robin - Bellagio

Hmmm, weird. There's a sharp divide in Vegas casinos. There's the "new" portion of the Strip, with the really glittering places with fancy restaurants, bars, and spectacles. Then there's the older portion that may have the same things, but to a much lesser extent. I only bring this up because in the above list, all of the casinos belong to the newer grouping... Except Circus Circus. That's a much less fancy casino, and it makes me wonder why it was chosen over places like Caesar's Palace, the Venetian, or the Wynn. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be catering a party for 175 guests. The chefs march off for the evening to be inspired. The fact that they can finally escape their housemates for a while is probably a nice side effect.

Field trip. Michael says that New York City is restaurant Mecca, where many dreams succeed and fail. He begins to form an idea about honoring New York City firemen. These two concepts have nothing to do with one another. That's fine, but then why show both? Work with me, editors. Jenc takes in the meal, some grog, and a medieval show at the Excalibur. She's still having trouble coming up with an idea, which confuses me, as the casino has a lot more obvious inspiration than a place like the Mirage. Bryan takes in the shark reef at Mandalay Bay, which helpfully has a sign about sustainable fishing, so his inspiration is dealt with in forty-five seconds. On his way out, he gets a souvenir for his son. Stop talking about your family back home! That's elimination talk!

Over at the Bellagio, Robin is struck by the multicolored Dale Chihuly glass exhibits. I've seen those in a couple of art museums, and he once did an exhibit for our botanical garden, which was awesome:

Robin hopes to marry that sort of artistic flair with her food. She spends a moment at the famous fountains before we shift over to Kevin at the Mirage. He plays with the dolphins, which looks like grand fun. He talks about his signature style of simplicity and "less is more", which seems to be working just fine for him so far. He doesn't believe in flashy food or style over substance. That doesn't have much to do with any inspiration that the Mirage may give, so I guess we can only hope he doesn't incorporate dolphin into his dish. Eli heads to Circus Circus. What's to say? It's very circusy. Back at the house, Eli complains to the other chefs that there is no circus at Circus Circus. That's not entirely true, although it wouldn't surprise me if he missed the acrobats on the upper level. The stage is remarkably well-hidden. Can you tell I went there recently? The slots were not kind, although LabRat did well at the blackjack table.

Anyhoo, Eli tells the chefs that there weren't any restaurants, and Michael scoffs that he wasn't there to be inspired by the food, but by the environment. He points out that a circus is the most definitive concept that any of them had to be inspired by. I hate to agree with him yet again, but here we are. Robin senses that Eli is having trouble with his idea, and hopes to really push herself in the challenge, so that she can surge ahead.

The next day, we skip right over the shopping segment, which I frankly don't miss. The chefs stream into the Kitchen, where they have three and a half hours to prep. Kevin works on salmon with compressed vegetables. Again, I'm not sure what the connection between his food and the Mirage is, and I'd be curious to know. Michael hacks into chicken wings. Robin works on panna cotta, and will insert stiff panels of sugar to simulate the Chihuly glass. Jenc has settled on The Sword in the Stone as her inspiration, and starts a sauce with a couple of bottles of red wine. Eli incorporates circus themes with peanut soup with caramel apples. Popcorn and raspberry juice are also involved. Bryan cooks his fish in olive oil, and muses about how he's terrible at Quickfires, but seems to do very well in Elimination Challenges. Eli takes some time out to bash Robin some more. I agree that she's probably well past the point where she should have been eliminated, but her sticking around annoys the chefs I don't like, which brings me joy. Time winds down, and the chefs pack up their food for transport.

They are driven to the World Market Center, which I've never heard of, but has a great view of the Strip from the immense windows. The chefs unpack, and have one more hour to get everything ready. Michael cooks chicken. Jenc frets. Robin discovers that her sugar panels haven't set, and she won't be able to use them. When the hour is up, all the guests flood the room at the same time. A random guy enjoys Kevin's food. The judges head for Jenc's station first. She serves a chunk of grilled New York strip steak (as the stone) with a red wine reduction. There are beets, truffles, and herbs on top, and the whole thing is skewered by a plastic sword. Nigella finds the meat incredibly tough. Kevin serves up his wild Alaskan sockeye salmon with Napa cabbage and cucumber in a tomato broth base. All of the judges have very favorable things to say.

Michael serves boneless chicken wing confit with curry, and a disc of blue cheese. Everyone heartily enjoys it, just as they do in every bar in the country. Yes, it's a more upscale version of hot wings, and is probably very tasty. That said, Padma is cheerily describing blue cheese on chicken wings as "a nice surprise". Huh?!? Gee, Padma, why don't you stop by for dinner sometime, and I can "surprise" you by putting sour cream on a baked potato. I'm sure it's great food, but Michael has implied more than once that he's a better chef than Kevin because his food is more complicated, and here he is, serving something you can snarf by the bucket at the local dive. And since I'm already nitpicking... Saying your inspiration is derived from New York City by preparing something from Buffalo is a bit like preparing a Chicago-inspired dish from a St. Louis regional specialty.

Robin's panna cotta is based on flowers, which is what the Chihuly sculptures were formed into. She points out her table of ruined sugar, and explains what she was going for. That was probably a mistake. She should have said something like "I made these sugar panels, but decided the dish was better without them," or some other whopper like that. The judges find the panna cotta way too firm, because nobody on this show can ever make one. If for no other reason, I'm looking forward to the dessert spinoff just so someone can make a serviceable panna cotta.

Bryan has made an escabeche of halibut with a bouillabaisse consomme, pine nuts, a parsley coulis, and garlic chips. The judges all enjoy it quite a bit, calling it "balanced" and "professional". Huh, I guess all that talking about his family earlier was a false alarm. Eli's caramel apple peanut soup has ground popcorn and raspberry froth (which represents the pink dome of Circus Circus' decor). The results are not positive. None of the judges like it, and Padma outright hates it. The main problem seems to be one of texture. Yeah, texture issues are sometimes a bigger problem than flavor issues. It's why I don't eat pears. The judges choke it down, then head out of the party.

Judges' Table. In the fret 'n sweat, Kevin lightheartedly asks how everyone's food turned out, which is the first time he's sounded condescending, rather than genuinely curious. Maybe it was just the way it struck me. Nobody responds, which he takes to mean that everyone tanked. Padma enters, and summons Kevin, Michael, and Bryan to the table. Padma tells them they had the three favorite dishes of the evening. They all stare back resolutely, as if she just asked for one of their kidneys. Kevin's fish was great, and the vegetables were bright and flavorful. Bryan's food was quiet and elegant, much like he is. Michael's chicken wings were delicious and expressive. Toby gives him a backhanded compliment by calling his delicate style "effeminate". Nigella gets to announce the winner, and it turns out to be Michael. Well, those must have been some delicious wings, because he couldn't have won on inspiration. As a prize, he gets some wine and a trip to the winery where it's bottled. Nice.

Back in the Kitchen, Michael gets tepid applause. The waiting chefs are punted out to Losers' Table. Robin is already convinced she's toast. Once out there, Jenc admits to the judges that she didn't have a clear vision of what she wanted her food to be. Remember when she was such a strong contender? What the hell happened? It seems like one bad challenge punched all the momentum out of her. Ptom semi-excuses her by saying that perhaps she's just not familiar with medieval cooking. Nigella points out that while the other judges got tender cuts of meat, hers was too tough to slice through. Toby agrees that the meat was too tough.

Limecrete: "If there's one thing British judges don't get to whine about, it's tough meat."
LabRat: "I know. I don't get why British people get to judge this competition at all. What next, two Brits on the panel of a dental competition?"

Robin says that she thinks her vision and concept were good, but fell down on execution. The judges ask what happened, and she describes how her sugar didn't set properly. She was trying to accomplish techniques she hadn't worked with before, and Ptom asks her if she's being influenced by the chefs around her. She admits it. It's a fair question, but there's something off-putting about the phrasing. Of course, she shouldn't be rewarded for lackluster food, just because she hasn't done it before. However, Ptom has made a career out of slamming the chefs for staying in their comfort zones, and not pushing their limits. He's not over the hypocrisy line in this Robin inquiry, but he's dancing on it. Eli had a good idea, but both his flavors and textures were wildly off. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Every single one of Jenc's dish components was disappointing. The judges note that perhaps she has used up all of her early potential. Back in the Kitchen, Jenc herself is so beaten down, she's ready to pack up before she even gets eliminated. She's like the converse of Ariane, who started off in a whirlpool of despair and pulled herself together. Robin attempted to do things that are technically beyond her skill level. Ptom and Nigella complain that panna cotta is simplicity itself. Jeez, you wouldn't know it from this show. Eli's was just out-and-out bad. Bad texture, bad flavors, bad everything.

Elimination. Eli's dish was a mess. Jenc's food was boring. Robin's inspiration didn't make it onto the plate. In the end, Robin has run out of other chefs to hide behind, and is told to pack her knives and go. She shakes the judges' hands and thanks them for the opportunity. In her final interview, she says she's glad to have made it as far as she did, but that she lost herself in trying to impress people, and forgot to make the comfort food that she excels at. She gets a good-bye hug from Jenc, and tears up as she says that she's looking forward to what comes next, and that the experience has inspired her. Well, she may have been outmatched as a chef, but she seems like a perfectly nice lady. In small doses, anyway. I wish she could have stuck around longer than Eli, just to give him something to haunt his dreams for eternity, but doing that to Mike will just have to suffice.

Overall Grade: B-

Guess Who's Not Recapping Dinner?

Well, that was odd. Instead of a regular episode, Fabio from Season 5 hosts a dinner cooked by contestants from all of the seasons. It's interesting in that some people have mellowed with time, while others are exactly as you remember them. It was an entertaining enough diversion, but even though my girl Carla was in attendance, I have a strict rule about not revisiting anything that involves Ilan.

Creatures From the Black Legume

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 10

Previously on Top Chef: A restaurant war broke out in the otherwise peaceful kingdom. Michael clashed with Bryan and Robin, because while the word "chef" may derive from the word for "leader", cooking good food doesn't necessarily make you a good manager. Conversely, not being able to handle the dining room doesn't mean you can't cook, but Laurine still got dumped. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. As with the oink-oink-slurp-slurp episode, I'm converting the short blog entry to the full recap months after the entire season has come to a close. If you give me $100, I'll tell you what life is like in early 2010, pitiful past-dweller!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Jenc's depression spiral is deepening, as she beats herself up about how crappily she performed in the Restaurant Wars challenge. She tells us that she'll attempt to wipe the slate clean and approach the upcoming day with renewed vigor. Robin is pleased as punch that she has survived another round.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Paul Bartolotta, who Mike tells us is a well-known Vegas Italian chef. I'll take his word for it. Tonight's Quickfire is one of those weird, take-a-bunch-of-ideas-and-put-them-in-a-blender challenges. The chefs will pull knives with television shows on them, then reinvent a TV dinner to a gourmet dish in the vein of their chosen show. What a scatterbrained idea. Why not ask the chefs to cook in the style of their grandmothers, but to pretend that their grandmothers have traveled back in time fifty years, then returned to the present, but find themselves directly across the Earth from their starting point? The chefs pull their knives:

Kevin - The Sopranos
Eli - Gilligan's Island
Jenc - The Flintstones
Robin - Sesame Street
Bryan - M*A*S*H
Mike - Seinfeld
Michael - Cheers

The chefs have an hour to pull their dishes together, and Padma starts the clock. Robin tells us that she's never seen a full episode of Sesame Street. Robin needs to be slapped in the face with a raw mackerel. She manages to dredge up the names of Cookie Monster and Big Bird, so she's going to make some sort of cookie/egg concoction. Michael kind of disses his dad by saying that after his parents' divorce, his mom would cook dinners for everyone to sit at the table and enjoy, but living with his father meant TV dinners. He hopes to evoke Cheers through the use of bar food. Jenc wants to make something with a big ol' bone in it. And it should be heavy enough to topple a car. Unfortunately, there aren't any big-boned meats in the fridge, so she appears to just begin some random dish with chicken. Eli has never watched Gilligan's Island, but knows enough of the broad theme to put a dish together. Bryan is making a hearty, welcome-home-soldier kind of dish. Oddly, Kevin pulls a theme of family togetherness from The Sopranos instead of going the obvious route and making something Italian. He does realize that the "togetherness" often found in that show involved people putting bullets in their family members' skulls, yes? Jenc burns her sauce. Time winds down.

Paul and Padma have the chefs serve their dishes in those olde-tyme compartmentalized trays. Jenc has made chicken roulade with garlic cream sauce, pea salad, and caramelized peaches with hazelnuts. This food has zero association with The Flintstones. Mike has made sausage and peppers, pistachio sauce, mushrooms and cheese, and a warm fruit salad. This food has zero association with Seinfeld. He admits he hasn't seen the show (surprising, but not worth a fish-slap like completely ignoring Sesame Street). Kevin has braised some meatballs, and serves them with creamy polenta, roasted cauliflower, and honey-roasted pear. I guess meatballs sort of call back to The Sopranos, but not much. You see what happens when the challenge makes no sense? The food is all over the place.

Eli serves macadamia- and cashew-crusted shrimp, with sweet potato puree, tropical herb salad, and some cherries and bananas. Michael serves Parmesan chicken tenders with braised Swiss chard and cherry pie. Zero association with Cheers. Robin serves a hamburger with egg, crispy kale, a carrot salad, and an almond-laced cookie. Maybe a 5% association with Sesame Street. Bryan has meatloaf, asparagus, mashed potatoes, and an apple tarte tatin. OK, that makes sense. Still, I never thought I'd see the day that Eli did the best job of interpreting a challenge.

Results. The bottom two are Jenc, for her disappointing roulade and icky pea salad, and Robin, for her dry burger. The top two are Kevin, for his delightful meatball, and Bryan, for his equally delightful meat and dessert. The ultimate winner is... Kevin. He doesn't get immunity, but his dish will be featured in a line of Top Chef frozen foods. Yeah, this is a good show, but I couldn't be buying those less.

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs they'll be cooking at Ptom's restaurant at the MGM Grand. They'll be cooking for four judges and seven other guests. Ptom's restaurant is heavy on the steak, which Robin says she doesn't eat much of. At least she's got a reasonable excuse for that, unlike never seeing Sesame Street. That night, Jenc's depression spiral widens, and she again tells us that she needs to focus. Less talking about it. More doing it. The chefs hang out on their beds and discuss the meat-laden menu that they'll be putting together.

The next day, they're driven to Ptom's restaurant, where they immediately take stock of all the delicious animal flesh in the place. Ptom enters, and introduces the chefs to the special guest diner for the evening: Natalie Portman. Mike's face is covered by a wide grin that hints at his obvious boner. Natalie pretends that she's an adventurous eater before dropping the real bomb on the chefs: she's a vegetarian. There shall be no meat served tonight. Kevin is thrown for a loop, for obvious reasons, while Robin is thrilled. Ptom and Natalie take off, and the chefs indecorously raid the produce shelves. Eli and Jenc flip a dehydrated orange slice to determine who gets to use the eggplant. What, you're too good for rock/paper/scissors? Jenc loses the toss, and consoles herself by getting some baby eggplants. Is the flavor any different than the big ones? Mike plans on making leeks look like scallops. Kevin tells us that during Lent, he and his wife go vegetarian, so while this dish will be a challenge, he's more than up to it.

Cooking begins. Kevin hopes to make a satisfying dish with kale, turnips, and mushrooms. Sure, that mixture sounds pretty hearty. Meanwhile, Robin is overwhelmed by the sheer availability of so many ingredients. Her brain goes in a thousand different directions, and she can't refine any ideas. Mike is flipping Fate a double middle finger by shrugging that it doesn't really matter what he cooks. Who cares? It's all good! What could possibly go wrong? Nothing can stop me now! His overconfidence sprouts (tee-hee) from the fact that he grew up with a vegan mother. Eli wants to provide a meaty texture with big hunks of eggplant. Michael plays with different textures of asparagus, and also works on a banana/polenta mixture. He shoos Robin away from his pot of boiling water. Meanwhile, Mike is finding out that when you don't put your leeks on direct heat, they won't cook fast enough. He crosses his fingers, and hopes for the best.

Jenc is still complaining that baby eggplant is harder to work with than its bigger cousin, and I still don't understand why. Towards the end of the time limit, Bryan worries that he won't get everything done. Mike is having a far rougher time of it. His leeks aren't cooked through, and don't have enough flavor. That's not even taking plating into consideration. "It is what it is," he grins. He still doesn't seem to care very much about his situation, though I can't tell if that's because he doesn't think it matters very much how vegetarian food is executed or what. Robin has issues, as well. The garbanzo beans, which I think were supposed to be the star of her entire dish, haven't made it onto three of her plates when time runs out. I'm having a hard time figuring out why people are scrambling to make sure their veggies are done on time. It's not like peppers and kale take a long time to cook. Maybe the time limit is spanking everyone because they had to conceive their dishes on the spot. Robin slides from loving the challenge to worrying about getting booted.

Out in the dining room, Padma welcomes Natalie, her friends, and the other judges. Gail is back, thank God. Robin serves first. She has squash blossom, a beet carpaccio, fresh garbanzo beans (on some), and a chermoula sauce. Padma immediately pegs the sauce as way too salty, and Ptom is one of the unlucky few to not get any garbanzo beans. Leaving the head judge hanging can't be good news for Robin. Natalie allows that it was a very pretty plate, but Gail and Ptom agree with Padma that the entire dish has seasoning issues. Eli is up next. He's got a radish salad with herbs, confit of eggplant, creamed lentils, and a garlic puree. Looks good to me. He gets mostly positive reviews. The salad is tasty, and the eggplant has a nice texture. Paul finds a big hit of lavender in his food, which overpowers everything else.

Michael has a brief moment of panic in locating his hazelnuts, but manages to get everything plated. He's taking a more conceptual, artistic approach to the dish, saying that it will confuse the diners, but ultimately that they'll love it. He presents three types of asparagus in a salad, a Japanese tomato "sashimi", and the aforementioned banana polenta. His food gets a lot of positive feedback before the judges get down to brass tacks. Gail finds lumps of banana in the polenta that are a bit off-putting. One of the diners likens Michael to Picasso, though I can't tell if she means that he's a misunderstood genius or that his work can be wildly off-kilter to either its benefit or detriment. Just as he'd hoped, Natalie is confused, but pleased. Jenc isn't loving how her plates look; they're considerably smaller than everyone else's. She brings out her charred eggplant with braised fennel, tomato coins, and a verjus nage sauce. Her frayed nerves cause her hands to shake, and she flings sauce everywhere. The diners note this when she's gone. Gail thinks "everything tastes beautifully [sic]". Ah, yes. As I mentioned in the short summary of the episode, just because no animals were harmed in the making of these Elimination dishes, it doesn't mean the episode isn't full of violence. In this case, the English language is about to be brutally murdered.

Nothing is wrong with Jenc's flavor -- the flying sauce gets particularly good reviews -- but Gail does catch that Jenc's plate isn't as substantial as the others they've gotten. Natalie pegs that as a common problem facing vegetarians; the offerings are more a collection of sides than an entree. A friend of Natalie's says Jenc's food would be a great side dish next to a steak. Heh. As a side note, he's a bigger flame than the Olympic torch. Mike mostly likes how his food has come out, but knows that the leeks aren't where they should be. He seems to hope that everyone will simply overlook that. He describes his food as simple and clean, saying that it's "got [him] this far [sic]".

He tells the diners he wanted to give the feel of a hearty protein, so he whole-roasted the leeks, and serves them with onion jus, baby carrot puree, radish, and fingerling potatoes. Padma's, like, "Um, where's the protein?" Mike says that the leek is supposed to convey that idea. Er... His plate is not a hit. It smells funny, and nobody likes how it tastes. He's damned with faint praise when people describe it as pretty, and that he may have had a good idea that wasn't executed well. Bryan barely gets his food out on time, and in fact must leave some things off. His dish is an artichoke barigoule (braised with white wine), confit of shallot, garlic blossoms, wild asparagus, and a fennel puree. The diners find the garlic quite spicy. "It's like a little prick on the top of my tongue," Padma says.

Viewing party: "That's what she said!"

Natalie catches the double entendre, too, and everyone laughs at Padma. Padma rephrases, and says that the shallot flavor is a little sharp, especially when paired with the garlic blossoms. More penis jokes are offered. Back in the kitchen, Kevin is disappointed with how sloppy his food looks. He's made a mushroom duo with smoked kale, candied garlic, and a double turnip puree. The diners immediately find the hearty, meaty richness that other dishes were lacking. Gale says that the only off-balance component she detected was a really strong smoky flavor from the kale. Flaming Friend says that it was so hearty that he didn't even miss an accompanying grain, let alone meat.

The chefs pack up their stuff. Michael tastes the food that Bryan didn't get onto his plate (not that it's ever identified), and gives him a royal backhanded compliment, saying that it's greasy, anyway. Mike knows that his food wasn't up to par, but points out that Robin didn't get all of her food onto the plate. He doesn't know whether his was worse or "not as worse". "Not as worse"? [SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC]. He tells us he's not concerned about surviving to the next round. I can't tell if he's honestly that deluded about himself or if he's trying to keep up a front of confidence. Jenc's depression spiral deepens even further. It's rough to watch such a strong contender fall apart before our eyes.

Interstitial. The chefs eat at Paul's restaurant. Kevin pigs out.

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs drink a wine called Quickfire. Heh. Padma enters, and summons Kevin, Michael, and Eli to Judges' Table. The three are pleased to be told they had the favorite dishes of the evening. Michael's dish was excessively weird, but very good. Eli's dish was beautiful, and his smoky lentils were a pleasure. Kevin's dish was delicious and rich. Of everyone, his most successfully replaced the usual need for meat. Natalie gets to announce the winner, which turns out to be... Kevin. He wins some cookware. Like he doesn't have fifty sets of it back home.

Since we're restricted to plants, Michael finds a nice, big lemon to suck on. He whines that Kevin's dish was just a plate of vegetables tossed together, which is clearly not the case when you consider what the judges said. Kevin's concept was far from: "Drop a bunch of stuff on the plate and hope it goes well." Michael is emanating almost visible waves of jealousy, and I think it stems (tee-hee) from the fact that he considers himself far more sophisticated than Kevin. And you know, he may be. But people don't want to come home and watch avant-garde opera every night. People don't wear runway fashions to work. And people don't always want artistic, conceptual food for dinner. There's a vast canyon between haute cuisine and Burger King, and it would behoove Michael to realize when to pull back on the whole Passionate Artiste thing.

Kevin gets tepid applause back in the Kitchen. Eli tells the assembled chefs that the judges want to see Robin, Jenc, and Mike. The losing chefs head out. The editors have fun juxtaposing a shot of Kevin beaming with a shot of Michael looking like he wants to hold Kevin underwater until the struggling stops. Natalie asks Mike why he didn't include a protein. He explains his idea to cut, braise, and sear leeks so that they looked like scallops. OK, but he realizes that a food resembling a protein doesn't make it one, right? Gail essentially spells that out for him. Padma tells him that his leeks were too pungent and not cooked uniformly. Mike tries to point out the things that didn't go wrong with his dish, but Ptom informs him that it didn't really matter, because his main component had gone so horribly awry. Mike rocks back and forth on his feet tensely, and offers the following defense: "Whatever, whatever." Eloquent.

Robin says she often eats vegetarian food, and describes all the ingredients she used that she's never used before. Ptom looks impatient. Jenc looks suicidal. Ptom tells Robin that her dish was all over the map, and didn't have a focal point to tie it together. Gail points out the saltiness of the chermoula sauce, and Ptom chimes in about the missing garbanzo beans. The entire dish was just kind of a mess. Jenc's food didn't reflect the two hours she had to cook, and the judges wonder why she's such a bundle of nerves of all sudden. She once again hopes for a chance to pull herself out of her death spin, though she realizes that she may not get it. The chefs are dismissed. Mike offers the following summary of the judging: "Whatever, whatever. It is what it is." I'm shocked that he's never been asked to give a commencement address.

Deliberations. Ptom enjoyed the difficulty of the challenge, and Natalie talks about the real world applications of having to improvise for specialized eaters. Jenc is falling apart, and didn't make enough food. Mike's dish was poorly cooked, and his attitude plainly sucks. Gail once again proves why she's the best judge, as she completely nails him as not caring that his food wasn't up to par, and that he arrogantly assumes that he'll be easily be able to sail by. Never leave again, Gail. The other judges say that it wasn't just his leeks that sucked, but that the entire plate was subpar. Mike drops two more "whatevers" in the Kitchen. Robin had no cohesive idea, and she shouldn't have tried a bunch of new techniques this late in the game.

Elimination. Jenc steels herself. None of the bottom three dealt with the challenge's curveball well. Mike should have been able to cook leeks in two hours. Robin's dish was pretty, but unbalanced. Jenc is coming apart at the seams, and served a garnish for dinner. None of the them rose to the occasion like their competitors, and it's time for one of them to go. Padma? Will you do the honors? Mike. Please pack your knives and go. "Whatever" your way out of that one, douche. He tries to keep a lid on his anger as he shakes the judges' hands and thanks them. In his final interview, he tells us he should have done better in this challenge, given his culinary background. A little late for self-awareness, but I guess I'll take it where I can get it. Naturally, he can't resist getting one last dig in at Robin-the-pathetic-weakling. And you know, I'd generally support her going before him, but for the fact that her outlasting him will drive him crazy until the day he dies. Totally worth it.

Overall Grade: B-

Mission Impossible

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: Robin's annoying habits, such as passive-aggressiveness, constant chatter, and having the nerve to be an older woman made her very unpopular in the house. Nerves also frayed between Michael and Bryan, whose relationship goes much better when the entire continent is between them. Kevin won another challenge, while Ash got swept out the door. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Timiffany has finished carving their pumpkins for the season, and we got to snack on the roasted seeds. Yaaaaay!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Jenc struts her stuff in a bikini. Laurine is relieved that she hasn't been cut yet. Kevin is slightly morose over Ash's elimination, since he brought such a sense of camaraderie to the household. With him gone, the base level of tension escalates, especially between Michael and Bryan. Michael admits that he's always been an instigator, and Bryan an overbearing caretaker.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and this week's guest judge, Rick Moonen. As Kevin says, Rick is a champion of sustainable food, a soundbite we'll be hearing a lot this evening. Of course, what makes a food sustainable is never mentioned in any capacity whatsoever. It's like calling yourself "green" or slapping a pink ribbon on something as the extent of your support of breast cancer research. Caring about food sources is an admirable quality, but I need something a little meatier than an announcement about how lofty your goals are. Padma tells the chefs that they can only go so far on their individual talents, and Rick agrees that they work with bunches of people, and thus need "synergy". I put that in quotes because corporate buzzwords annoy me, especially when they're unnecessary, and can be replaced by eminently respectable words like "teamwork" or "cooperation".

That aside, the Quickfire this week is a clever, new kind of challenge, and thus very welcome. The chefs will be competing in a tag team relay race. The chefs draw knives to get their teams, and everyone's is blank except for Jenc's (who gets "First Choice") and Michael's (who gets "Second Choice"). Those two get to act as team captains. Jenc briefly mulls over whether she should split the brothers up or not, but eventually makes a wise choice, and picks Kevin. Michael snags Bryan. Jenc takes Mike. Michael takes Eli. Jenc takes Laurine, so poor, friendless Robin is picked last. She shuffles off to Michael's team, much cheerier about it than you'd expect. The teams will take on various names throughout the evening, so Jenc's team is now Blue, while Michael's is now Red. The teams will have forty minutes to complete one dish. Each team member will get ten minutes to have a crack at it. If that sounds overly simple, there's a hell of a catch. The chefs are not allowed to speak to each other. At all. Not only that, but until it's their turn to cook, everyone will be blindfolded. Padma promises a big advantage for the team that comes up with the most cohesive dish. Plus, this is high stakes, so the winning team will split $10,000.

The teams get a few moments to decide the order that their members will be cooking in. Competition aside, I feel a bit sorry for whoever goes last, as they have to stand blindfolded in a wordless room for half an hour. That doesn't strike me as the height of fun. Michael decides that Eli will go first, Robin second, Bryan third, and Michael himself will take the cleanup spot. That's a pretty smart order. Since Robin is deemed the weakest chef, the second spot, where she's neither choosing the initial ingredients nor wrapping up the dish for the judges, is a good one to put her in. Over on the Blue team, they bookend with the Wonder Twins, having Jenc go first and Kevin go last. They put Laurine in second and Mike in third. Planning time runs out, and everyone except Jenc and Eli puts their blindfolds on. Ready? Go!

Eli and Jenc grab a bunch of ingredients. Jenc wants to clue in her team by pulling out the proteins she wants, and gets black cod and scallops. After a quick prep on those, she wants to get a sauce going. She's hoping to poach the fish in olive oil, and whacks some shrimp and mushrooms for someone else to add later. Eli takes a more basic tack, unsurprisingly. He gets a lot of ingredients going that can be used in a multitude of ways, so instead of hoping to lead his team to a particular dish, he'll give them some cooked steak and chopped vegetables and let them do what they want. Neither strategy is half bad. Eli worries about the cohesiveness of the Red team's styles, making sure to get another dig in at Robin. Padma blows her whistle, so Laurine and Robin jump into the fray. Jenc worries that her teammates won't follow her "flavor profile", the third time in forty seconds that the phrase has been used. I understand that it conveys a helpful concept, but give it a damn rest.

Laurine gets a good sense of Jenc's intentions. She starts the scallops, and after a little confusion, figures out that Jenc wanted to poach the fish in the olive oil. Robin grabs the yuzu and anchovies and whips up a vinaigrette for a fennel salad. That lady sure likes her fennel. Padma blows her whistle again, and Mike hilariously claws at his blindfold, trying to get it off. He takes a while to figure out what to do, but seems to fall in the team line eventually. Bryan takes the Red team off in an Asian direction with pureed avocado and soy, adding even more yuzu to the mix, because he's unaware that Robin just used a bunch.

Another enthusiastic whistle blow brings Kevin and Michael in to clean up. Kevin knows exactly what the team was going for, and decides to chuck most of their ideas. Heh. He disregards the scallops entirely, and though he knows the olive oil is waiting to poach the black cod, he decides to pan roast it in butter, instead. Michael has a more difficult task. The steak isn't cooked enough, and the soy mixture is too salty for his tastes, so he has a lot more work to do. Both of them plate in their final seconds. The Red team has come up with strip steak with a whipped miso avocado puree, a bit of nasturtium, and various pickled vegetables. Eli admits to the judges that this isn't exactly how he envisioned the steak winding up, but it isn't too far off. The Blue team has made pan-seared black cod with some sauteed mushrooms, a mushroom/ginger broth, and some radish on top. Jenc misidentifies the black cod as trout, which Rick calls her on. She's embarrassed.

As far as results, both teams did an admirable job, but the Blue team emerges victorious, thanks mostly to Jenc's well-made stock. Laurine is happy to have her first win, though it must sting a little to only win when you've got the Wonder Twins backing you up. Michael is disappointed by the loss, and says that he's learned that you have to rely on teammates if you want to succeed. The Vulture of Foreshadowing circles his head and begins to caw loudly.

Elimination Challenge. Padma reminds the Blue team that they'll get an advantage, and reveals that the challenge is the "most anticipated of the season". Yes, it's Restaurant Wars time again, and I don't mind telling you that I'm not as big a fan of this challenge as the rest of the Top Chef viewing community seems to be. The chefs are excited, though. Kevin and Bryan say what we're all thinking, which is that talent-wise, it looks like the Blue team is as destined to triumph as Team Winner was. The teams will be taking over the two floors of Rick's restaurant, and as Quickfire winner, the Blue team gets to pick which floor they cook on. I'm sorry, what? That's the big advantage they get for winning? I think the people who write Ptom and Padma's patter for this show really need to reacquaint themselves with the definition of the word "advantage".

In better news, Padma says that the chefs don't need to worry about decor this time. Good. Spending ten minutes of the episode watching people paint walls and pick out tacky napkins was not the most entertaining aspect of previous seasons' Restaurant Wars. Padma also warns that front-of-house and service will be taken into consideration at judging, and that the front-of-house team member will be responsible for conceiving and executing one dish. In other words, there won't be any hiding from the firing squad, a la Spike. Shopping duties will be split between the grocery store and the restaurant supply store. Rick cautions them that they need to stay true to his vision of sustainable food, and that they'll be judged on that, as well. I will tell you now that this admonition is patently false. Padma tells the Blue team they have the option of taking their $2500 a piece, or letting it ride to turn it into $10,000 a piece if they win the challenge. They opt for the latter. Sure, why not? It's not like they have to go to the nearest bank and withdraw $2500 of their own money if they lose. Might as well take the shot.

The chefs get thirty minutes to plan their three-course menus. The Blue team has seen this show before, and instantly decides that they're going to stay far, far away from dessert. Laurine volunteers to take front-of-house. The Red team says that their menu will be "Modern American", which is code for "Whatever The Hell We Want". Bryan thinks he's strong enough in pastry to do a dessert. Michael points out that the judges loved Robin's apple crisp, so she volunteers to do another version with pear. Bryan wants to do a better version of what he presented in that same challenge, which worries Michael, because Bryan was on the bottom in that Quickfire. Bryan assures him that it will work this time, undoubtedly because he has a lot more time to work on it. Michael remains unconvinced.

Shopping. Eli pledges to be a good teammate with Robin, no matter how much he dislikes her. Robin gets pissy when the Blue team sees that she's picked up some sparkling water, and picks up some of their own as well. Laurine makes the apt argument that whatever team wins, it's not going to be because there's sparkling water on the table. She's right. Of course, I'm trying to imagine what would happen if Robin were the one to pick up the idea from someone else. I envision a lot of interviews about how weak and out of her league she is that she feels the need to copy someone else.

Back at the house, Eli picks out an unattractively shlubby outfit to wear for his front-of-house duties. Both teams discuss their plans. Michael comes up with the idea to call their restaurant "Revolt", as a mashup of their names (Robin, Eli, and Voltaggios). Everyone cackles and agrees. Robin brings up the fact that patrons not in on this inside joke will just see a word that doesn't have the best connotations when it comes to food, but Bryan is confident they'll see the other meaning, as in "to rise up against authority". The Red team now styles themselves "Mission", which is much better, especially in paying lip service to the whole sustainable food aspect of the challenge. Michael gives Robin ideas on how to elevate a simple crisp into a more high-end dessert. Mission convinces themselves that Kevin's track record with meat dishes should overcome any problems the judges have with not serving dessert.

The next day, the chefs head to the restaurants, which are on two floors of the same big room. Mission picks the floor they want, and Revolt is somehow not blown into shock and submission by this awesome "advantage". The chefs have three hours to prepare, which as Kevin points out, is hardly enough. Michael is becoming too domineering, which is rubbing Bryan and Robin the wrong way. Eli seems all too happy to be told what to do, just as Ash was. Laurine tries to help Mission prep as much as she can before she's needed in the dining room. Mission's menu includes: Asparagus with a six-minute egg, Arctic char tartare, a bouillabaisse consomme, seared trout, pork three ways, and lamb with carrot jam. Mike is preparing the first two, Jenc the second two, Kevin the pork, and Laurine the lamb (which Kevin will actually cook). Jenc discovers that they're a lot further behind on time than they should be, but there's not much they can do about it at this point.

Revolt will be serving Michael's chicken with calamari "pasta", Eli's smoked Arctic char, Bryan's duo of beef, Michael's cod with a billi-bi sauce, Robin's pear pithivier, and Bryan's chocolate ganache with spearmint ice cream. Once the brunt of the prep work is done, Eli and Laurine break off to get the dining rooms settled. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Laurine promises him that if the dishes that come out of the kitchen don't meet her satisfaction, she'll send them back. Ptom ascertains that Jenc is busy, and doesn't ask a single question about what she's making. I sure am glad that we are privy to these fascinating inner workings of the competition! They really need to do away with this segment. If Ptom's not going to help them or offer any sort of feedback (which I find silly, but more than fair), and we don't learn anything important as an audience, why are we forced to go through this every week?

After a final montage of prep work, along with some sniping by Michael and Bryan, diners flood both dining rooms. Mission is nowhere near being done. Even as people are being seated for dinner, Jenc is still trying to butcher her fish. She shrugs that she may have to wind up cooking each piece to order. The judges come to Revolt first. Toby's here again. Please come back soon, Gail! Once Eli greets them and gets them seated, he shuffles off to get their food. The judges agree that the restaurant has a terrible name. Eli soon reappears with his smoked Arctic char (which is misidentified by the Reliably Shitty Titles Department as Bryan's), which has beets, a horseradish sour cream, and some potatoes. It is paired with Michael's pressed chicken with calamari noodles, some fennel, and tomato confit. The judges love Michael's dish, but find Eli's bland. The second course takes a long time to come out, which the judges note. Michael continues to snipe at Bryan in the kitchen.

Eventually, Eli does bring out Bryan's beef duo, which is a braised short rib with sunchoke puree, and a New York strip steak. He apologizes for the wait and explains the second course, which also includes Michael's cod with parsley sauce, a billi-bi croquette, and some zucchini. Michael has another winner with the cod. Bryan's is not as good. It's a tad bland, and some diners find the meat cold. Ew. Since we're between courses, it must be time for Michael to bully his teammates some more. He and Robin get into a fight about her dessert. She's trying to plate it, and he doesn't think she's doing it right, and tries to take over. She won't let him and curses at him, he gets offended and yells at her, then condescendingly tells her to relax. Bryan says in interview that in Restaurant Wars, you have to put your feelings aside so that you can get the food out, and I honestly don't know which person he's defending and which he's telling to put their feelings aside; both Robin and Michael are being assholes. The funniest bit is when Michael tells Robin not to curse at him, and his hypocrisy aside, anyone who's ever worked in a kitchen will know why that's hilarious. It turns out not to matter that much, as the judges love both Robin and Bryan's desserts.

The judges agree that Eli put forth a good effort on front-of-house, then hoist themselves up, and head to Mission. Laurine greets them, and worries about striking a balance between serving the judges and serving everyone else in the restaurant. The judges read the menu, and have the nerve to act shocked when they discover that there is no dessert. Mike, who is strangely calm and agreeable tonight, sends out the first course. I think being beaten down by the competition may be doing his personality some good. His asparagus and egg is served, along with the Arctic char tartare. Laurine disappears without talking to them about the food, and the judges agree (though Toby needs some coaching by Ptom) that the dishes need some salt. Padma flags down Laurine and asks for salt in a pseudo-friendly voice designed to let her know that she's screwed up. It's the "Pardon me. I'd wonder if you'd mind putting down the nail file for a moment and telling me where I can find the bedding department," kind of request.

Jenc is still way behind on the fish, and Laurine can't keep up with the dining room, so the second course is pretty much a disaster from the get-go. Laurine again gives the judges their food and vanishes without a word. Padma calls her back to explain the dishes. Jenc's fish course includes Idaho trout with a brown butter emulsion, braised endive, and hazelnuts. Also, some Alaskan halibut with mussels and clams, and a saffron aioli in consomme. Once she's gone, we hear that neither dish has gone well for Jenc. The consomme is not clear, as it should be, but tastes fine. The mussels and clams are too fishy, and the brown butter sauce has broken.

Mission's problems are not over. Kevin cannot get Laurine's lamb to cook evenly, although no amount of oven problems should cause a chef to look at a piece of meat that is solid red and openly bleeding and call it "medium rare". That's on Kevin. He and I both admit that the level of doneness is more a point of opinion than accepted fact. When the lamb finally goes out, Laurine explains to the judges that it has a carrot jam with mushroom sauce, and a green bean salad with herb dressing. Kevin's pork three ways is pork belly with maple glaze, cabbage-wrapped pork sausage, some cornmeal mousseline, and red-eye gravy. Laurine's lamb is considered way too rare, though I don't see how that's her fault (except where she said she wouldn't allow food she didn't approve of out into the dining room, which she now has). Kevin's pork dish is much better-received. Toby says he misses dessert. Perhaps if you guys didn't harangue or eliminate every contestant who timidly steps outside his or her comfort zone to make one, you'd get it more often.

End of service. A waiter for Revolt hands out flowers to patrons right before they fill out their comment cards. Oooh, sneaky. Michael knows they had their problems, but thinks things went fine, overall. Mission, on the other hand, doesn't have to wonder how they did; they know they sucked. Various patrons talk about how great Revolt's food was, and how disappointing Mission was in both food and service. The judges head out.

Interstitial. The editors intercut footage of Michael being a giant prick to his teammates with interviews of Michael describing the qualities of good leaders. According to Interview Michael, good leaders aren't arrogant, and don't yell and scream. According to Footage Michael, *bleep*, *bleeep*, with the *bleeep*ing *bleeeeeeeep*. Interview Michael wraps up with an avowal that he's a nice guy with the biggest heart in the competition. The editors wrap up Footage Michael with more bitching, moaning, and cursing. Ouch.

Judges' Table. In the fret 'n sweat, Mike implies that the only way Revolt could lose is if they burned down their kitchen, then fell into a well or something. Unsurprisingly, Padma comes in and asks to see the Revolt team. They're told they are the winning team, and had the best food of any Restaurant Wars team, ever. Wow. Toby says that aside from the sketchy name and Eli being "woefully underdressed", he gives them high marks. I'm glad somebody brought up Eli's outfit, because I really am not a fan of the put-on-nice-clothes-then-untuck-them-and-roll-around-in-bed look. Bryan's ice cream and short rib are singled out as his best offerings. I thought they said the meat was bland and cold. What changed? Maybe they just meant the strip steak. Eli is commended for his service. Both of Michael's dishes are lauded. When Robin's dessert is complimented, the problems between her and Michael are alluded to, but not fully explored, which makes sense. Who'd want to throw a big tantrum when you're on the winning team? That's all of the discussion. Aren't you glad we've learned so much about what made this winning team's menu sustainable? Rick gets to announce the individual winner, and since his food was so fantastic, Michael is chosen. He wins the $10,000 that each member of Mission would have gotten, had they won. Probably hoping to mend some fences, Michael pledges to split the money with the other Revolt team members.

Back in the Kitchen, Mission tries to figure out who's going to get eliminated. Mike wishes he would have taken front-of-house, because he's got so much experience with it. Much good it does anyone to bring that up now. Revolt comes back with the news of Michael's win, and sends Mission out to Losers' Table. Michael openly hopes for Mike to survive the chopping block. Once they're gone, Bryan allows himself to get pissy. He doesn't yell and scream like a lot of contestants have; he gets curt and passive-aggressive. Robin and Eli thank Michael for splitting his prize money, but Bryan tells him to keep it. He's upset that Michael's unprofessional behavior was rewarded, and doesn't want any part of that, but only tells us that in interview. In the Kitchen, all he'll say is that Michael won, so he should keep his money. Michael is obviously well-versed enough in the ways of Bryan to know that he's being told to shove it.

Mission walks out to the judges. There was so much wrong that it's almost tough to find a place to start. Timing issues. Execution issues. Service issues. Mike's food was acceptable, but nothing special. Jenc's fish courses were a mess. Though the halibut was cooked well, the trout was a disaster. Jenc is surprised to hear about the broken sauce. In the third course, the lamb was completely underdone, and to make sure that Kevin the Golden Child isn't blamed, Ptom turns to Laurine and reminds her about the conversation they had about her taking charge of food that she wouldn't put her stamp of approval on. Don't get me wrong. I like Kevin, and if you asked me if he or Laurine had more overall talent, I think the answer is pretty clear. That said, it's not very fair to say that underdone meat is entirely a service problem, and leave the person who undercooked it completely out of the picture.

Laurine admits to a lot of other problems, as well. Once things got hectic, her anxiety started to show, which only caused things to fall apart faster. Ptom says that it sounds like what Mission really lacked was leadership, and that deciding things by committee doesn't work. I don't know if that really holds true in every situation, but I agree that it would have helped in this one. Jenc is completely beaten down. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Mission was ill-prepared for the evening, and didn't communicate well. Ptom thinks they may have been overconfident going in, which I can buy. Mike didn't have an out-and-out catastrophe. Jenc was insane to steam clams and mussels to order, and her trout sucked. The lamb was undercooked, and Ptom finally admits that Kevin has to share in the responsibility of that. Laurine fell apart in front-of-house and in front-of-everyone. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. This one's not too hard to call. If Mike didn't have any individual issues, and the Wonder Twins are two of the remaining people, that just leaves Laurine. I believe this is the first time a front-of-house person has been eliminated. She gets good-bye hugs in the Kitchen, and tells Jenc that she (Jenc) deserves to stay. Laurine says that the obstacles presented helped her learn a lot about herself, and that competing for anything is not her cup of tea. It's refreshing to hear someone say that. I'm not competitive, either, and I get a little tired of reality show participants praising themselves for their competitive natures. It usually means they're trying to pass off being a dick on a drive to succeed, but even when it's genuine, I don't always accept a desire to beat other people as a virtue. Revolt asks Mission what went down in the dining room, and Kevin declines to discuss it, saying that he's really angry right now. I would love to hear why, but it is not to be.

Laurine is happy to have learned some innovative cooking techniques while she was here, but is also looking forward to returning to her old life. I'm conflicted about her elimination. There's no way I can deny that she really dropped the ball on her front-of-house duties, which she knew was fair game for judging. Plus, as I've said before, she's not the archetype that's favored in shows like these, so it was only a matter of time before she was eliminated. Note that everyone I said would be eliminated is now gone, save Robin, and let's face it... She's only got one or two more episodes. With regard to Laurine, though, I feel like a lot of Mission's biggest problems weren't her fault. She didn't mitigate the kitchen's problems well, but it's not like she was the reason the food was slow. She didn't fall behind on her prep work. She didn't undercook the meat. Given the rules of the challenge, it was entirely fair to eliminate her, but as the judges have often snottily reminded us and the contestants, this isn't Top Sous Chef or Top Sommelier. Is it now Top Hostess? If your overall goal is to seek out the most talented chef, is it really wise to eliminate someone who isn't a good manager?

Overall Grade: B-

Ham-Fisted

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: Mike had no faith in Robin's cooking ability. The fact that everything turned out just fine isn't mentioned, because that doesn't fit into the neat picture of Robin-as-useless-old-woman that we're supposed to be sold on by now. Jenc won the challenge with an assist from Kevin, while Bryan's calm facade began to show some cracks. Ashley got sent on her less-than-merry way, but probably regrets it less now that she's seen she left at just about the time everyone gets sick of being stuck with the same group of people for twenty-four hours a day, and they all begin to plot each other's demises. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. I wasn't able to write this long version of the episode's events back when it aired, because I was busy ruining our trip to New York by falling ill a day before we left. I'm filling in the blanks months later, so think of me as a psychic Limecrete who magically knows not only how the episode turns out, but the entire season. Also, Sarah Palin will continue to make an idiot of herself, but you probably didn't need time-traveling me to tell you that.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Michael rues being in the bottom two for the first time, and vows never to suffer through it again. He compares himself to Babe Ruth. Honey, please. I'm sure your food is delicious, but your name will not be entered into the history books. Unless you accidentally trip over a cat and drown in the toilet or something. Eli calls home to vent about his emotional stress. We finally learn why he acts like a dumb kid who lives with his parents. It turns out that he's a dumb kid who lives with his parents. Mystery solved! He tells us that Top Chef can change your "entire culinary career". So don't come on this show hoping to change your secretarial career, because it ain't happening. Robin does pilates out on the lawn to help herself find balance. I've never indulged in the practice, but if it involves imitating Robin's technique of thrashing around in a swimming motion like Michael Phelps on speed, I'll pass. She tells us that surviving cancer has made her a stronger person. I'll bet. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and this week's guest judge. For those who are sticklers for facts, his name is Charlie Palmer. For the rest of us, he looks so much like Cliff Clavin that I'm just going to call him that for the rest of the episode. Cliff discloses that he's worked with Bryan and Michael in the past, but promises not to show them any favoritism. Padma announces that this week's challenges are all about pairing. As you know, caring about how food is paired is a relatively recent development in our culture, and is still thought of as very sophisticated, so what better way to completely piss all over this idea than by asking the chefs to make a dish to pair with an overpriced potato chip? Welcome to tonight's Quickfire! There are six flavors of overpriced potato chip to choose from, and the chefs will have forty-five minutes to throw something together. Ready? Go!

The chefs scatter. Michael and Bryan spend some time talking about their prior relationships with Cliff. I don't care enough to transcribe any of it. Jenc is nervous. She describes herself as a perfectionist who wants everything to be perfect. Oh, is that what a perfectionist is? I was under the impression it was someone who punches a series of little holes in paper so that it can be torn easily. Eli's feeling confident about his pairing skills. Ash feels he's been held back by being too influenced by other people's strategies, and says he's going to focus on his own ideas from now on. Let's see how that works out for him. Time runs down. Everyone plates their food.

Padma and Cliff go down the line. The flavor of overpriced potato chip each chef has chosen doesn't really matter very much, so let's just focus on what they've made. Eli has prepared a potato clam salad with cold fennel and celery, with a white truffle sauce. Sounds good. Kevin's got a warm bean confit and tomato salad with herbs and creamed corn. Bryan has made seared rib-eye with pickled onion, sauteed mushrooms, and a chive puree. As is often the case on this show, the meat looks way too rare for even a blood-lover such as myself. Robin's got a sweet corn panna cotta with an avocado mousseline in the style of a parfait. Mike has done a spinoff of chilaquiles. Michael's made tuna tartare with avocado, pickled onions, and jalapenos. That's a lot of strong flavors. Ash has put together a chilled soup of cucumber and avocado with creme fraiche, crab, and roasted red pepper. Sounds tasty, but for the pairing with the barbecue-flavored overpriced potato chip. Laurine has swordfish with spinach, asparagus, and a fava bean puree. OK, the flavors sound good, but that combination would send you sprinting for the bathroom faster than an Ex-Lax smoothie. Jenc has a sauteed pork chop with tomato sauce, scallions, and some feta. She embarrassed, because it's way overdone. Who knows, maybe Cliff will be one of those people that likes their meat charred. I'm dating one of those philistines, myself. No such luck for Jenc, and her food brings on looks of consternation.

Results. The bottom three starts off with Robin, who had weird textures and a bad pairing. Ash's combination of ingredients didn't work well together. Jenc's pork chop was way too overdone. The top three kicks off with Eli, who did a good job with his execution and flavor concept. Bryan's execution was spot-on, though his idea was a bit unoriginal. Kevin made a good pairing and good food. The winner turns out to be... Eli, who takes his first challenge win. He's happy. Less happy is Ash, who somehow manages to shift through surprise, warmth, envy, and bitterness in one five-second sentence.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs are asked to draw knives. Michael describes more of his past experiences with Cliff. I still don't care. If he or Bryan do it again, I still won't care. Save the rest of the tales for the grandkids, please. The knives turn out to have different sections of pig written on them. Kevin is thrilled to have a pork challenge, telling us that he works with it so much, he's got a pig tattoo on his body. Everyone gets a part assigned to them, save Jenc, who pulls the "WILD" knife, and gets to cook with any pig section she wants. She picks pork belly without hesitation. The second half of the challenge is that the dish will be served as 150 tasting portions, and must be successfully paired with a Pinot noir.

Later, the chefs are taken to taste various Pinots. As with all wine tastings, it doesn't interest anyone who isn't physically putting the wine on his or her tongue. Each chef selects an individual wine to work with. Eli ridicules other chefs' wine palates. It sucks that we all can't be as sophisticated as he is. Perhaps we can join him in the cultural elite if all of our mommies do our laundry for us. After wine selection, the chefs head to the store with a $300 food budget. Kevin buys up as much bacon and other pork fat as he can. Laurine opts for duck fat, and talks about her intention to make a rillette. She hasn't made one with pork before, but assumes her experience in rabbit will carry her through. Ash is going to top his pork with polenta and a cherry demi-glace.

But enough of all this talk of stupid things like food and cooking. Let's head back to the house so we can watch these people act like fourth-grade girls. Robin is indulging in her usual logorrhea, and is driving everyone else up the wall. She correctly pegs the tension in the house as her losing a popularity contest, though she seems to stop short of wondering why that is. Sure, you can't please everyone, but when eight disparate personalities all flee from you, the common denominator is you. Now, I'm about to be very hard on the people who dislike Robin, but let it be known that I'm not wild about her, either. She's annoying the piss out of me right now, and I just spent ten seconds with her. I can't even imagine having to live with the woman. It's just that there are valid ways to argue with and distance yourself from people you don't like, and then there's these jerkoffs.

She drops some passive-aggressive crap about cleaning some part of the kitchen, and Eli, that grand sophisticate, snipes at her to stop copping such an attitude, and -- I swear I'm not making this up -- tells her she's not his mother. No, really. I suppose the editors left "Why can't I go to Tommy's birthday party?!? I hate you! I wish I'd never been born!" on the cutting room floor. Robin carps that she wouldn't want to be Eli's mother, because she would have raised him better. Really? I wouldn't want to be Eli's parent, because I'd want my adult child to get his own damn place and pay his own damn rent. Eli jogs downstairs so he can badmouth Robin with the rest of the Heathers, notably Mike. That's the thing. Not liking Robin is perfectly valid, but you can't really take the moral high ground if your counter-strategy is to whine, gossip, and make fun of her straight to her face, like you're Gretchen Weiners all of a sudden.

With that obnoxious tangent behind us, we can get back to the challenge at hand. The next day, the chefs get started on their four hours of prep time. Ash's vow to showcase his own ideas and strengths has lasted about twenty-six minutes, and he's once again turned to his competitors for ideas. After talking to Mike, Ash kills the polenta idea, and decides on a different preparation. Kevin works on a dish that he knows has great flavor, but worries that it's overly simple. Bryan frets that he doesn't have enough time to braise his ribs. Michael tells us he's always been more of a culinary risk-taker than his brother. Robin, you'll be shocked to hear, isn't here to make friends. I'm honestly confused. Reality show competitors must realize how dumb and hackneyed they sound when they use such a beaten-to-death phrase. They must. How could they not? It's been uttered and whined and spat and hissed more times than I can count. It's been said for years now. It's been said so often, it's gotten to the point where it's lost of all its original meaning and become a giant joke. It's become nearly impossible to use without irony, and yet every season of every show features someone saying it like they just coined the phrase. IT'S OLD. CATCH THE SNAP.

Jenc wants to redeem herself after her poor Quickfire performance, and works on a light, summer version of pork and beans. Eli is also working with pork belly, but doesn't worry about competition from Jenc, because his dish is heartier and "more exciting", while hers is "basic". Looks like someone's a bit too proud of his Quickfire win. Tell you what, Eli. You can be disdainful of Jenc when you can manage your own electric bill. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Ash lies, and tells Ptom that he's finally cooking his own style of food. Mike is working on Lebanese meatballs, and brags that he's offered a wider range of world cuisine than any other contestant. He says it in that naturally douchey way he has, so I want to ridicule him, but you know what? He's right. He's shown good range by incorporating a healthy mix of different cultures' foods, and still manages to integrate them into weird challege parameters, which is pretty impressive. We see that people are still on edge, as Michael and Bryan snap nastily at each other over the plastic wrap. I hear that's how the Boer War started.

Time runs out. The chefs and their food are driven over to the party venue where they'll be serving. Everyone gets another hour to get their food ready. It flies by, and soon the guests are streaming in. Once the first wave of diners decimates the food tables, the judges deem it safe to show up. And do they ever show up. Padma is trying to get away with an actual sun hat, and looks patently ridiculous, like she's auditioning for the role of Daisy in a summer stock production of The Great Gatsby. Tony is wearing his Bono sunglasses again. Guest judge Dana Cowin has a blouse with white pinwheels that opens to below her boobs. Maybe that's why all these people cultivated an interest in food; they can hide their tragic fashion choices under a chef's coat or apron.

All the dishes are paired with the Pinot noir the chef chose earlier. That's the extent of the detail I'm going to go into about that. Michael has braised pork cheeks in root beer, and serves it with some truffle, a steamed bun, and cherry sauce with the Pinot and some vanilla bean. All of the judges enjoy it, as do the diners we're shown. Ash puts forth some chilled pork tenderloin on top of a cherry/corn salad. That's it. I often say that making your food complex doesn't automatically qualify it as better than simple food done well, but this is just sad. On top of that, this overly simple dish isn't even good. The judges find the meat clammy, overcooked, and oversalted. Of course, Toby is the one who calls it oversalted, so I'm tossing that criticism out on principle. I'm not sure if it's his nationality or his lack of culinary credentials that renders him totally useless on judging the level of seasoning, but if he calls something salty, it means it's perfectly fine. If he calls something perfectly fine, it means it's bland.

Eli has braised pork belly on a roasted carrot puree, with celery and fennel. The judges like the dish, though Cliff doesn't think it pairs well with the wine Eli's selected. Kevin has made pork leg pate, with mushroom salad and pickled cherries. It's dressed with a mayonnaise dressing made from rendered pork fat. He spins a nice tale about knowing that the winery his Pinot comes from also has hazelnut trees, so he incorporated that flavor into the mushroom. The judges not only gobble up his pate, but his story as well. Mike presents his pork shoulder Lebanese meatballs on a bed of orange blossom yogurt. Dana feels the orange flavor is overpowering, but Ptom doesn't mind it. Bryan has made braised pork spare rib on parsnip puree. It gets fairly good reviews from the judges, though they aren't doing somersaults over it.

Jenc has braised pork belly in soy sauce, and serves it on a salad of tomato, olive, celery, truffle, and apple. How this is a play on pork and beans is beyond me. The judges all heartily enjoy it. Cliff, as with all the dishes, ignores everything but the wine pairing. Laurine has pork butt rillettes topped with golden raisin/pearl onion chutney, which is all resting on arugula salad. It's not a hit. Dana compares it to cat food. Robin has brined pork loin, stuffed with sweet potato roulade and sour cherry/coffee sauce. Nobody likes it. Toby finds it slimy, and none of the judges can discern much flavor. The party wraps up.

Sweat 'n fret. Mike tells the other chefs that if the challenge were based on diner feedback, he'd be in the winners' circle. Robin says that a bunch of diners said that she was their favorite. Mike snorts in derision. Padma comes back, and summons Michael, Kevin, Jenc, and Bryan to the table. Eli rushes to the nearest phone to call his mom and complain that the mean judges don't appreciate his genius. OK, that didn't happen, but can't you picture it? The four Golden Children go out to Winners' Table, and are congratulated on having the best dishes (as well as the best wine pairings). Michael was successfully daring. Jenc's pork belly was light and tasty. Toby compares her Pinot to a hairy armpit. But as a compliment. Because it's European! Get it?!? I guess I should be glad Toby isn't likable, because if he were, I'd constantly be embarrassed for him. Kevin hit all the right flavors for his wine. Bryan had a strong pork flavor and a good pairing. Cliff gets to announce the winner, which turns out to be Kevin. He wins the opportunity to be a guest chef at the next Pinot pork party. It's not a wad of cash, but Kevin's elated, so I won't stand in the way of his happiness. Padma sends them back to the Kitchen.

Kevin gets the most tepid applause ever heard for his win. These aren't even golf claps; they're putt-putt claps. Michael tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Ash, Laurine, and Robin. Once they leave, the Heathers waste no time in tearing into Robin once more. Michael at least pretends it's about her food, but Mike and Eli don't even bother doing that. Sending Robin home is the "right decision" because she's old and talks too much. Well, sure. How could a chatty person over forty know how to cook? See, this is why I can't get on the anti-Robin bandwagon, no matter how obnoxious she is. There's a difference between disliking her and trying to bully and belittle her out of the competition. I even kind of see parallels with the Marcel situation, though the Robin-bashing is infinitely less infuriating. Odd Asian Music and Gong agree with me, and have stormed off the episode in protest without even doing their jobs as the losing chefs come out to face the judges.

Robin stands by what she made, claiming she complemented the wine's flavors without dominating them. Toby's main complaint is that there wasn't enough meat on the plate, saying that if he had to pay twelve dollars for it, he'd have been very unhappy. Gee, you'd almost think the challenge called for the chefs to make TASTING PORTIONS. Ass. Ptom has a more legitimate complaint, saying that the texture of the sauce was a little gummy. Ash admits that upon hearing what everyone else was making, he began to worry that his was too simple. So again, he's basing the entire concept of his food on the work of others. Ptom says that simple food is fine, but the chef still has to develop flavor out of it, which Ash didn't. Ash unwisely describes his original idea, which Cliff says would have been a much better direction to go in. Laurine liked the idea she had, but says that she ran out of time before she could get the rillette done. Cliff asks her about her preparation methods, and when she talks about braising in chicken stock, he corrects her to say that rillettes are poached in fat, which is where all the flavor comes from. Laurine doesn't have much to say to that. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Robin had no pork flavor in her dish, and missed the mark on her wine pairing. Toby hated her sauce. Ash's dish was totally amateur, and he didn't even make his overly-basic food correctly. Laurine's rillette wasn't a rillette, and what she did make was dry and off-putting. The judges make a decision.

Interstitial. Isn't Robin stupid and ugly and old and useless? Let's round up a group of villagers with torches and pitchforks to tell her so!

Elimination. Laurine goofed her food and her pairing. Ash has no confidence, and his dish fell completely flat. Robin was stingy with the meat. Ptom hands it over to Padma for the chop. Ash. Please pack your knives and go. Yeah, it's his time. I like him, but he's become way too focused on how out of his league he is, to the point that it became true. He's glad for the opportunity to have met such amazing chefs, and regrets not sticking with his original idea. He smilingly says that he'll feature the pork with polenta and cherry sauce on his menu when he gets back home, and will invite all of the judges except Padma over to taste it. Ouch! Kitty's got claws!

Overall Grade: C-