Not-So-Jolly Ranchers

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 5

Previously on Top Chef: You could see the Eiffel Tower from every window. Jesse got the booting that had been coming since the season kicked off, while Hector couldn't get his steak to cook properly, and paid the price. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Sickness felled the viewing party, so again it was left to LabRat and me. Cheese and wine made their usual appearances, but an empty pantry meant I couldn't scrape up more for dinner than a tuna fish sandwich and some pickles. Well-seasoned tuna, but tuna nonetheless.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. In an odd turn, tonight will feature a lot of quotes from Michael about how awesome he and his circle of friends, family, and coworkers are. None of these irritating boasts have anything to do with the actual episode, so I'm unsure why they're included. I'm just the messenger. We kick off tonight with one of them, as he wonders why Hector (who he deems a strong chef) was kicked off, while Robin (who he deems a weak chef) is still sticking around. Um, because this is a competition in which your performance in particular challenges determines if you advance or not, regardless of overall skill? Is this a surprise to anyone?

He goes on to say that he feels the strongest chefs in the competition are Mike, Bryan, and himself. How convenient that the best chefs are also the ones he has worked with, is related to, and is! That's uncanny! I suppose we're not meant to remember that of the eight challenges we've seen so far, Kevin, Jenc, or Kevin and Jenc have completely dominated. So that happened. In other news, Mattin vows to concentrate harder, after being spanked in the challenges at which he should have excelled. Ashley misses her family, which makes sirens go off all over the room. It's mitigated somewhat by the fact that her niece was just born, so it's not just general melancholy.

Quickfire Challenge. We continue in the vein of Top Chef Masters competitors filling in as guest judges, as the chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Tim Love. His expertise is incorporating rural Tex-Mex food into fine dining, so I think we can all guess what the challenges might involve tonight. Padma says that for the first time in the show's history, the viewing audience got to pick the Quickfire ingredient of focus. I admit I rarely pay attention to those stupid polls, and never vote in them, though I am happy about the results. The viewers were asked to choose from "snake", "cactus", or "kangaroo". Cactus won out, and it pleases me because it presents an actual challenge. Even if a chef has never worked with snake or kangaroo, meat is meat. In a broad sense, of course. There are all sorts of special ways to work with individual meats, but if I gave you a hunk of emu, and all you've ever cooked is chicken, I'd bet you could still work something out. Cactus requires more thought, and not only because of the spines, which Tim warns the chefs to watch out for.

Padma tells the chefs they'll have forty-five minutes to make a dish with cactus. The winner will score $15,000, but nobody gets immunity this time around. Ready? Go! Neither Michael nor Mattin has ever worked with cactus. Michael reasons that because he's been strong in previous Quickfires, he's got a good chance to win this one. Between this and the earlier comment about why Robin is still in the competition while Hector isn't, I think it's time for someone to gently sit him down and explain how this whole thing works. Mike knows a lot more about cactus than most of the others, explaining to us that the way you get the goo out of the flesh is to cure it, as you would with salmon.

Mattin frets over the spines and goo, but thinks that he may somehow be able to pair the cactus with tequila. Laurine isn't sure how to highlight the cactus, so she's using it as a component in a style she's more comfortable with. Ash works on a sope, but can't find a tortilla press in the Kitchen. Man, if only there were a way to flatten things without a specialized piece of equipment! Ron has no idea what he's doing, but hopes to hide the cactus in a sauce. Everyone plates their food, and time runs out.

Padma and Tim go down the line. Laurine has put the cactus into a salsa, which she then put on top of an achiote-glazed pork chop. Kevin likes to make jams and marmalades. He has a cactus marmalade that he's used with pork tenderloin. Tim finds it kind of slimy. Kevin shrugs that he always finds cactus kind of slimy. I heard somewhere that you should cure it, as you would with salmon. Michael has made an avocado roll with a cactus coconut ceviche and a red cactus coulis. Ashley has taken a bit of a risk by turning the cactus into a dessert. She's made cactus jelly donuts with an orange creme anglaise. I have to say that of all the Quickfire dishes, this is the one I'd most want to try.

Mike has created a very appealing presentation of alternating tuna and cactus slabs. It's a cactus and tuna ceviche, accented with pipian (pumpkin seeds, basically). The side relish doesn't go over well, but Tim likes the rest. Ron has made chipotle swordfish with cactus sauce, and a mango/papaya/crab salad on the side. Bryan has a halibut and cactus ceviche with some tempura cactus. Two minor asides. Aside #1: That tempura is the second thing I'd want to try. Aside #2: I know time constraints must figure a lot into this, but enough with the goddamn ceviches, you guys. Ash has done a play on grilled cheese with the cactus. Frankly, it looks disgusting. Tim takes a bite, and judging from the look on his face, we won't have to wait until the results to know at least one person that'll end up in the bottom three. Jenc has made a warm chorizo and cactus salad with some queso fresco. Yum. Mattin has really gone whole hog with the cactus. There's a warm, red cactus puree, some breaded cactus, and halibut with lime/tequila-pickled cactus.

Results. First in the bottom three is Ash, unsurprisingly. Michael's dish was a trainwreck of flavors. That's impossible! Michael is one of the most talented chefs in this competition! Just ask Michael! Ron's fish was overcooked and the crab was almost rancid. Eeeeeeeew. Robin makes a face like, "Sucks to be him." Now, for the good news. Laurine had great flavors. Mike is announced, and he does the rock and roll fingers, because he can't even get good news without being obnoxious. Mattin also makes fists of jubilation when he makes the top tier, though in his case, it's more of a "Really? Yay!" gesture than a "Tremble in fear at my awesomeness!" one. He and Mike were the only two competitors to really showcase the cactus. As such, the winner is... Mike. And yeah, he's a tool, and I wouldn't want to hang out with him, but based on what I saw, he more than deserves it. Michael sniffs that while Mike certainly earned the win, he (meaning Michael) would rather put together good flavors than learn to take the goo out of cactus. Well, zero out of two ain't bad. Oh, wait. Yes, it is.

Commercials. One of the Real Housewives of Who Gives A Crap apparently has a "music" "career". Gwen Stefani had better watch her back.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be preparing lunch outdoors for Tim and twenty-four cowboys at a nearby ranch. The chefs may make anything they like, so long as it's high-end. As in the military challenge, the chefs don't know what equipment they'll have to work with. For an additional little kick in the pants, the chefs will be spending the night at the ranch. Jenc's mind is visibly whirling with ideas. The chefs will have an hour and fifteen minutes to get all the food ready. Shopping. Everyone tries to balance their lofty ideas for food with more practical ideas of what they'll have to cook with. Michael's poor placement in the Quickfire has not affected his ability to pat himself on the back at all.

After shopping, the chefs are driven to the ranch, where they discover tents set up around a bunch of fire pits. They act shocked, though I'd wager that most of them knew this was coming. There are a few pans, utensils, and utility ingredients, but not much. Michael carps that these aren't ideal conditions, either for the cooks or for the food. He's increasingly getting on my nerves, but I can't argue with that. We hear about the various outdoorsy experiences of some of the chefs, but they're all boring. Eli wants nothing to do with camping. Yes, sticking to the indoors is a proud tradition of our people. Ron sets up a formation of sticks that he tells Ash is a voodoo method of keeping snakes away from their tent. Ash shrugs that anything done to keep snakes away is something he can endorse.

That evening, around the fire, the possibility of getting attacked by wild animals is discussed. Someone worries about bears. "Bears? Bears are sweet!" Ash says, sending a secret coded joke out to all of the musical theater fans in the audience. It's one of my favorites! Everyone makes it a fairly early evening, tucking themselves into tents that don't really look big enough for two people. At least not for anyone that tends to thrash in their sleep. Not that I'm projecting.

Commercials. Who needs Whip It when you can experience the real thing?

Morning. Nobody's looking forward to a day of cooking hot food over open flames in a dusty, scorching desert. As everyone gets started, we're treated to a mini-montage of how frustrated and irritable everyone is. We could have seen more, but why would we want to watch something relevant to the challenge at hand when that would have cut into the five minutes of snide, condescending interviews from Michael tonight? RoboBryan says that as long as he sticks to his timeline, he'll be fine. Ashley hopes to even out the temperature of the open flame by covering the pit with cast iron pans. Mattin tells us that he's making three types of ceviche. Oh, goody. More ceviche. Plus, you'll remember that ceviche isn't really cooked, so this is Mattin's way of completely ignoring the spirit of the challenge. I guess it's Padma's fault for telling the chefs they could make anything they want.

Ron is also making a ceviche, while saying in the same breath that it's time for him to be on top after all his bottom-dwelling. I'd love to hear how the reasoning behind "I'm going to own this challenge by ignoring its theme" would go. He's using coconuts, and will spin the juice into a mojito to serve alongside his food. What he's actually spinning the juice into is Jenc's face. Michael complains about the challenge some more, then says he's making a play on dashi (kelp) with black cod. He ignores the whole cowboy part of the challenge, saying that a chef doesn't cook according to each customer's tastes. The chef just cooks the way he wants, and hopefully, people will like it. I guess a case could be made for or against that argument. I'd agree that there's only so much you can (or would want to) change about your style of cooking, but I'd also say that the entire point of this show is to see how the competitors can marry their individual styles with the parameters of each wacky challenge. In this case, it doesn't matter, because the challenge isn't "Make Southwestern food". If it were, though, I don't think Michael would be able to get away with a defense that essentially boils down to "I didn't feel like it." It sure didn't work for Tiffani.

Laurine, who often reads my mind, and is thus rising rapidly on my happy list, feels eminently comfortable with Southwestern flavors. She disdains Mattin and Ron, because people who have been spending a hot day on the ranch aren't anxious to sit down to a plate of ceviche. Nailed it! Robin says she avoided using pork or any type of barbecue because it was too "obvious". Given her recent placements, I'd say that obviously popular styles of food may do her some good right now. No sense going out on a limb when you're already on the verge of falling out of the tree. She works on a "drunken prawn" salad. Bryan makes pork loin on corn polenta with some dandelion greens. See? It sounds good and it fits the challenge. No need to focus on one at the expense of the other. Ashley is not enjoying standing over a fire pit on a bazillion-degree day, but is confident in her ability to cook a piece of halibut. Time runs out. A lot of people finish at the last second.

The cowboys arrive. Some look like what you'd think a cowboy would look like. Some look like they've just left the nearest biker bar. One looks like he's taking a break from being a software engineer. And here's a man and woman who look like they were taking a stroll through a botanical garden on a date, and accidentally wound up here. The food is presented. Mike has made a pork gyro, which he gives a hard G, and pronounces to rhyme with "pyro". I was all set to make fun of him for it, but remembered that there's apparently all sorts of variations on that word. Damn it. He serves it with an apple and fennel tzatziki. There's another chef who's lucky the challenge didn't specify regional cuisine. I wish it had, because as it stands, "Make whatever, and feel free to ignore the fire pits" is extremely boring. Eli's made a tuna sandwich with sun-dried tomato mayo and a radish salad. Laurine has fully embraced Southwestern flavors with her sauteed Arctic char with a tomatillo salsa, a corn salsa, and a grilled potato. The judges dig in. Mike stayed in his Greek food rut, and while the gyro tasted fine, it's nothing to write home about. Laurine's food is flavorful, and she actually used the grill as intended. Eli's dish is a wad of blah.

Ash presents a grilled chicken paillard (quickly-cooked, thinly-sliced meat) with a corn succotash. The chicken has been brined and braised with bourbon. Mattin has made a trio of ceviches. There's salmon with apple, spicy tuna, and cod with corn. Robin yells that she's made a grilled romaine salad with spicy chicken sausage and the drunken prawns, that I guess have been stewed in alcohol, though we never hear what kind. The judges start with Mattin's ceviche. Tim is immediately unimpressed, but is outdone by Ptom, who walks a few steps away from the table and spits it out. He out-and-out calls it gross. Unaware of this, Mattin makes a triumphant gesture, convinced that he's hit this one out of the park. Joining him in Grossville is Robin, whose shrimp taste like chlorine, according to Tim. Spew. Unlike Mattin, she knows she's in big trouble. She hadn't tasted the prawns until the judges were already served, and agrees that they're terrible. Ash's chicken is so-so, and his succotash has too much bacon grease, but it benefits from being compared to Mattin and Robin's food, which was awful.

Bryan has followed through on his promise to make roasted pork loin on corn polenta, dandelion greens, and oyster mushrooms. There is also some glazed rutabaga on the side. Jenc has made snapper with a duck confit, all of which is on top of a daikon/carrot/spiced tomato water salad. Ashley has been inspired by a club sandwich, and has made seared halibut with avocado mousse, served on a bed of bacon, tomato, and braised romaine lettuce. The judges say that Bryan's dish is not only appropriate, but perfectly cooked. They also realize the technical challenge of the components he was able to put together. Jenc's slaw is great, and her meat is cooked well. Tim is less impressed than the other judges. Gail says that Ashley's plate is the best food she's made so far. The cowboys enjoy it as well.

Michael gives his cod to a woman who asks if he's got an Asian cooking background. "I've got an everything cooking background," he smarms. Where did this Michael come from, and is it too late to exchange him for the one in the first four episodes? He's made dashi with miso- and mirin-cured black cod, served with watermelon. Though he may be ratcheting up to a new level of assy, that does sound very good. Ron has a tuna ceviche with coconut, lime, and mango, served with a Haitian coconut mojito. The ceviche and drink are served in the two halves of the coconut shell, which is neat. Kevin has roasted duck breast with a pseudo-mole, tops it with a bit of "cold salad" (the components are never mentioned), and finishes with some tequila-marinated watermelon. Interesting. The judges like Ron's ceviche, though Ptom finds it sweet. Nobody likes the cocktail. The word "disgusting" is tossed out. Michael's dish is unexpectedly refreshing and tasty. Kevin's dish is very visually appealing, and has good flavors as well. The meal dispensed with, Padma suggests getting everyone out of the heat. Everyone is only too happy to comply.

Interstitial. Kevin is good at horseshoes. Aren't you happy with the scintillating extra content they give us each week?

Judges' Table. Back at the fret 'n sweat, the chefs agree that something smelled spoiled when they opened the coolers this morning. There's a shot of Robin, so I guess that's why her shrimp sucked so much. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and asks Laurine, Ashley, Michael, and Bryan to join the judges. Kevin, Mike, and Ron look bitter. Or maybe they're just worried. Padma congratulates the top four on having the favorite dishes of the day. Ptom asks Ashley if being on this end isn't much better than being down at the bottom, and she smilingly agrees. Her fish was cooked perfectly in a difficult environment. Bryan's dish was focused, and was restaurant-worthy food, while still being suited to the desert environment. Laurine knew how to use the grill to her advantage. Tim gives her a backhanded compliment when he tells her that her food's simplicity is what made it shine. Michael wanted to do something non-traditional, given what he knew at the time about the challenge. Ptom liked the flavors, especially because of how unique his components were. Tim gets to announce the challenge's winner, and it is... Bryan, who has won three out of five Elimination Challenges. Wowsers. Not "Wowsers" to winning three out of five challenges, though that is impressive. "Wowsers" to the fact that his face actually cracks into a smile for once.

Bryan gets tepid applause back in the Kitchen. He tries to comfort Michael by complimenting his dish. I don't think Michael's ego really needs the stroking. Ashley tells the chefs that the judges want to see Robin, Ron, and Mattin. She wishes them luck as they trudge out the door. Robin tells the judges that she wanted to do a play on steak and barbecue. Tim points out that it's ridiculous to even attempt to equate sausage and shrimp with barbecued steak. Gail says the shrimp was so bad, the judges worried about the wisdom of eating it. Ouch. Robin admits that she didn't put out good food, and isn't the least surprised to be standing where she is. Mattin, on the other hand, says that he was happy with his food, and doesn't get why he's in the losing group. Ptom tells him that chunks of his cod were raw, and that the overall plate was really poorly constructed. Tim thinks Mattin's food actively made him ill. Double ouch. Ron is here because they need a third name to round out the bottom. That's obviously not what they say, but it is clearly the reason that he's there. His food was fine (if a tad sweet), but the ancillary drink was nasty. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ron's ceviche was okay, but his drink was horrible. Tim didn't like the food's presentation, either, which I find silly. I think the coconut shell was clever. The real loser comes down to Mattin and Robin, both of whom gave the judges nearly inedible food. Robin's components had promise, but she didn't know how to put them together at all. She knew her food was bad, but didn't compensate for it. We know that's because she didn't realize it was bad until after the judges got it, but perhaps the judges themselves don't know that. For all that Robin did poorly, she at least knew it was poor, which makes Mattin's disaster even more confusing, since he loved it. That lack of awareness counts more against him than anything. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. As with last week, there is such an outlier that any suspense is instantly killed. There's bad food, and there's bad food that the chef thinks was just super. Yes, Mattin and his neckerchief will be sailing into the sunset tonight. The judges wish him luck. In his final interview, he admits that maybe ceviche wasn't the best idea when presented with a challenge to serve cowboys, but aside from that, doesn't seem to have taken a single other thing away from this experience. Yawn. What else is on?

Overall Grade: C