All That and a Bag of Chips

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 1

Previously on Top Chef: Carla! Besides her, not much.

Welcome back to a new season of Top Chef! The gang (Me, LabRat, Tim, Tiffany, Kender, Panny, Phooey, and Panny's dogs) enjoyed Top Chef Masters, but nothing can really substitute for Original Recipe. I find myself more excited than I thought I'd be for a new season, and can hopefully improve my shameful track record when it comes to being able to blog through the last episode. It wasn't my fault! Well, not always. I stopped writing about Season Two because it was terrible, and I couldn't bear to expend any more internet ink on that jerkoff Ilan. Season Five was interrupted by external events. I do feel bad about Season Four, though; I should have been able to work through my depression over Antonia's elimination and finished the season. Oh, well. Season Six gives me a fresh start, and I hope I can be at least a minimal replacement for one Saucy Aussie who can't watch the actual show. OK, so...

Welcome to Las Vegas! Seventeen contestants are ready to cook and fight, all for your amusement. The chefs are a higher pedigree than in seasons past, but Padma warns that luck will play a bigger role in a city dominated by games of chance. The ultimate prize has also been beefed up: In addition to the regular magazine exposure and such, $125,000 cash and $100,000 of kitchen equipment will be awarded. I'd jump out of my pants if I got $1000 worth of kitchen equipment. Of course, that would make avoiding hot oil spatter even more important.

Contestants arrive at the airport. Kevin Gillespie gave up a scholarship at MIT to become a chef. He looks a little like Tim, which will be distracting. Preeti Mistry looks forward to the chaos. I'll bet she won't be for long. Ron Duprat grew up in Haiti, and seems like a genial, sweet guy, so don't get too attached to him. More chefs stream into the house, which is very pretty, and makes the prisoners of the Season Two Cellblock grind their teeth even harder. Eve Aronoff talks about being the only chef from Michigan, a factoid that will pop up again later, but that we missed on first viewing because we were too busy eating or drinking or running to the kitchen to flee from an atomic dog fart. Mattin Noblia is originally from France, now works in San Francisco, and will be putting the subtitle writers to work this season. Eli Kirshtein is from Atlanta, and got into cooking not to cook, but to eat. He's already on my good side.

Ash Fulk is weirdly the only chef from New York this season. He's gay, gay, gay. Jesse Sandlin is from Baltimore, and has no formal training as a chef. She's already on the defensive about how trained chefs are overconfident and egotistical, which I'm sure is often true, but she's emitting almost visible waves of insecurity. Jennifer Zavala is from Philadelphia, and refuses to unpack, thinking it'll just tempt the universe into making her the first one eliminated. Oh, that'll never happen! Speaking of Jennifers from Philadelphia, Jennifer Carroll is a chef from Philadelphia. Oy. Well, the Saram/Saran thing worked out well, so from now on, Jennifer Zavala is Jenz and Jennifer Carroll is Jenc. Jenc warns that she can be a bitch in the kitchen. Don't sell yourself short, Jenc. I'm sure you can be a bitch other places, too.

Bryan Voltaggio is a chef from Frederick, Maryland. His younger brother Michael Voltaggio works in Los Angeles, so they're here to have not only a sibling showdown, but a coastal one. And speaking of chefs named Michael... Sigh. Mike Isabella is a chef in Washington, D.C. I guess they won't be too hard to differentiate if one is Michael and one is Mike. Ashley Merriman is from Seattle, and has a big Rachel Maddow vibe going on.

The chefs are driven to the M Resort Hotel & Casino, where this season's Kitchen will be. It's a bit industrial looking, but at least has a lot of space. They're met in the Kitchen by Ptom and Padma, who helpfully remain silent while we knock out more introductions. Laurine Wickett, despite a name that makes her sound like an old lady who sells yarn in Arkansas, works in catering in San Francisco. Hector Santiago may be a chef from Atlanta, but doesn't get to say so, only commenting on how pretty Padma is. I guess the final remaining chef was demoted to introducing herself in the opening credits, so let's just toss her in here. Robin Leventhal is a chef from Seattle who has survived cancer. She's got kind of a less-foul-mouthed Cynthia thing going on. There sure are a lot of tatts and piercings in this crew. I know that's common in the industry, but cripes. Seen as a group, they look like they all escaped from a nineteenth-century circus. I fear the Top Chef Swimsuit Calendar won't sell well this season. All right, let's get cooking!

Quickfire Challenge. Ptom explains that the chefs will break into groups of four for the mise en place relay race. A group of showgirls enters for no other reason than to remind us that we're in Vegas. I've caught the snap, thanks. Padma presents a hat full of poker chips to determine the teams. The teams wind up being:

Black Team: Mike, Eli, Ashley, and Hector
Blue Team: Jenc, Jesse, Mattin, and Bryan
Red Team: Preeti, Eve, Kevin, and Michael
Green Team: Jenz, Ron, Laurine, and Ash

Of course, seventeen people can't be broken evenly into four teams, and Robin pulls out a lone, gold chip. She doesn't know if this portends good news or bad news. It's good news. Padma tells her that not only can she sit out the relay race, but that she's granted automatic immunity in the Elimination Challenge. Wow, they weren't kidding about luck influencing the challenges this season. Preeti wishes she would have drawn the gold chip. She's about to find out just how much she wishes it. Although the relay race has been done before, this one is a lot more difficult than just dicing onions or whipping egg whites. The teams will have to shuck fifteen clams, peel thirty prawns, break down five lobsters, and butcher two chops from a rack of prime rib. Padma gives the chefs two minutes to figure out who's doing what. Preeti finds herself stuck with the clam-shucking, which she's never done. She nervously opines that it's the same as shucking oysters, but Kevin quickly corrects her. Nobody bothers to suggest that she switch tasks.

Ready? Go! Preeti has failed to magically acquire clam-schucking skills in the past ten seconds, which somehow takes her team by surprise. Ptom does not get off to a good start, as he shakes his head derisively at her. Is this one of those seasons that he's going to be an unmitigated ass? That's never fun. Jenz slices her hand open, interviewing that "the hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it." Wait, let me write that down. This is valuable career advice. "The hard part about building a nuclear reactor is knowing how to do it." "The hard part about vascular surgery is knowing how to do it." Hey, that does work! Mike sets himself up as the Tiffani/Hung/Lisa/Dale/Pretty Much Everyone In Season Two of the season by smarming that Jenc shouldn't be able to beat him at the clams, because of all those lady parts she has. He does narrowly edge her out. Curse those ovaries!

Eli and Jesse tear through the prawns, and the narrow gap between the Blue and Black teams stays about the same. Preeti saws away at her clams. Jenz wraps hers up, and Laurine gets going on the prawns. Ashley is on to the lobsters for the Black team, but she doesn't stand a chance again Mattin. He utterly destroys his lobsters, which couldn't be cleaned faster if he were Samantha on Bewitched. In no time, they're given the go-ahead for Bryan to tackle the prime rib.

Tiffany: "That's a big fucking piece of meat."
Limecrete: "That's what she said!"

We try to wedge in at least once per week. After Bryan gets started, Ashley finishes her lobsters, so Hector hopes he can catch up on the prime rib. Nope. Bryan whips through it, and the Blue team wins before the Red team is even finished with their clams. The Blue team isn't done, though. Now the four of them will cook against each other to determine the challenge's individual winner, who will get a poker chip worth $15,000. Wowsers.

Commercials. According to the sound editors, one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta is going to shoot one of the other ones. Fine with me.

Ptom offers Robin the opportunity to trade immunity for the chance to compete for the poker chip. She holds on to the immunity, as would I. Mike cements his status as a tool by interpreting this to mean she's a scared old lady with no confidence in her skills. Yeah, it could be that. Or she could be giving up the chance for $15,000 for guaranteed advancement in a contest worth more than $200,000. Mike wouldn't need to consider that, as Robin is one of those female thingies, and couldn't possibly know how to cook, anyway.

Each member of the Blue team will have half an hour to cook with the ingredient they worked with in the relay race, which is a clever idea. Jesse worries, because she's never worked with prawns in her life. Wait a minute, she's from Baltimore, and has no idea what to do with shellfish? Take a crab mallet to her knees! Padma starts the clock. Bryan has worked at a steakhouse, and feels pretty good, though he wants to work on something "quick". Something quick for the Quickfire? Uncanny! Let me write that down underneath "The hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it." Jenc wants to make a clam ceviche, and pronounces it to rhyme with bleach. Mattin is happy to be stuck with lobster. Everyone plates their food just as time runs out.

Ptom and Padma go down the line. Jenc worries that her clam ceviche with citron vinegar is too simple. Mattin has cooked his lobster with bay leaves and star anise. Ew, I hate star anise. Jesse has thrown together her prawn with grits, polenta, and even more naked insecurity. Bryan has crusted the rib eye with fennel and black pepper and serves it with caramelized celery and a chive puree. I like my meat rather bloody, but his cut looks almost raw. At least he realizes it, and has the strict time limit to blame. Ptom's bottom two wind up being Bryan for his bland puree and Mattin for his bland seasoning. He did like Jenc's clean ceviche and the amount of flavor Jesse was able to develop out of her prawn. Jesse clutches her chest like she's been voted Awesomest Person of the Year. The winner winds up being Jenc, who turns redder than Mattin's lobsters. She jogs up to collect her valuable poker chip, and kisses Ptom on the cheek, to which he makes a hilarious "Um....OK" face. Jenc hopes she can win every single challenge from here on out. Sounds boring.

Elimination Challenge. Padma says that they'd like to explore the chefs' dark sides. Eve grins nervously, because the darkest thing she's ever done is double-dip her corn chip in some salsa. Today's Elimination Challenge will be to create a dish based on each chef's vice. The chefs will be cooking against the others on their Quickfire team; each team will yield someone up for the win and someone up for elimination. Robin gets to choose which team she cooks with, and chooses Blue. The chefs have $150 and thirty minutes to shop at Whole Foods before cooking for two hours. This week's guest judge is Wolfgang Puck, which makes the chefs all anxious and tittery.

Interstitial. Kevin goes down the waterslide into the pool. And...scene.

Shopping. Mike indulges in some more casual misogyny. Kevin disdains Eli's strategy of buying a dozen scallops. Kevin himself borrows a fish filet and buries his nose in it to get a sense of its quality.

Kevin: "I'll take this."
Tiffany: "I would hope so; you fucking stuck your boogers in it."

More shopping. Bryan reminds us that in three of the five previous seasons, the winner of the first Elimination Challenge wound up winning the whole season. Ron is too busy telling us about his hellish, month-long journey from Haiti to the United States to worry much about game statistics. Jenz interviews that she's going to represent her hot temper with a chile relleno that she plans to make with seitan. Everyone checks out.

Later, the chefs head to Wolfgang Puck's restaurant at the Palazzo. Kevin describes his vice as procrastination, so he's cooking Arctic char in an uncharacteristically slow fashion. Preeti hopes to redeem herself after her poor Quickfire performance. Michael is doing a salute to Vegas' love of plastic surgery. If you're sitting there thinking. "Wait, that's not a vice of his... And wait, Vegas isn't known for plastic surgery," you're in good company. Laurine says her vices include donuts, bacon, chocolate, and beer. That's more like it. Kevin calls Jenz' use of seitan "ballsy" because nobody likes it. I've never tried it, but have no trouble believing that something that is used as an alternative to tofu wouldn't light up the taste buds. Jenc's vice is that she's a booze hag, so she works a lot of liquor into her sauce. Jesse works with chicken and worries that it's too dried out.

Hector plans to smoke his steak by deep-frying it. Mike is snobby some more, though at least in it's reference to a guy this time. I can tell I'm going to have to pace myself with the "Mike is a snobby tool" comments, or I'll never have time to type anything else. It may be time for the return of the Smarmerview. Eve cannot track down any white wine. Her "vice" is that she wishes she were more simple and easygoing. Yeah, I was just thinking to myself that Eve is far too complex and dramatic. Snerk. Her lack of white wine makes her sauce unbalanced, and while she's fussing over that, her seafood overcooks. Jenz' chile rellenos look nasty. The breading is falling off in big, chunky wads. Time runs out before Robin can plate her sauce. She's embarrassed, but relieved that she's got immunity.

Commercials. Don't buy an expensive toothbrush! Buy this $15 one!

Dinner. The Black team comes out and presents their food to Padma, Ptom, Gail, and Wolfgang Puck. Mike's vice is a bad temper and foul mouth, and he's made olive oil-poached halibut formed like a bar of soap that his mother would have washed his mouth out with. It's served on top of eggplant puree. Okay, I don't like him, but that is very clever, and looks good to boot. Eli has tried to work in arrogance and bitterness by making "buttered" scotch with scallops, cashews, and beer powder. I'm not sure what beer powder is, and I'm getting weary of the overuse of scallops these days, but all right. Ashley's vice is alcohol. In fact, just assume that all of these people's vices include alcohol in some capacity. Her dish is chicken liver ravioli with a red wine demi-glace, so she gets the honor of having the first dish that actively makes me want to dive into the television screen head-first to get at her food. Hector's vice is smoking, so he's smoked some rib eye in the deep fryer, and serves it with carrot puree and celery ceviche.

The chefs are dismissed and the judges tuck in. Eli's scallops are good, but overworked. Hector's method of deep-frying totally mystifies everyone. Mike has shown experience and focus. Ashley is completely ignored.

Blue team. Bryan has made strip steak with a parsnip puree and a bourbon reduction caramel. Mattin is stubborn, so he's made buffalo rib eye with Madeira sauce. There are some zucchini-wrapped mashed potatoes on the side. I'm not sure what that has to do with stubbornness, but maybe something was lost in the translation. Jenc says her vice is alcohol, and that she tends to do a lot of stupid things after a lot of it.

Timiffany: "So does Padma."

Jenc has made halibut poached in a variety of liquors, served with a black peppercorn sauce. Jesse's vice is excess, and has given the judges the entire chicken, which is a smart idea. It's been braised in a whiskey reduction, and is served with Yukon potatoes and a fried egg. Hmm, I'm not sure about that egg. Robin says that she's a bad Jew, so pork is her vice. Holla, sister! She says she attempted to make pork five ways, such as a pork tenderloin stuffed with chorizo. Mmmm. She's saddened to tell the judges that her gastrique didn't make it onto the plate. They're dismissed. The judges like Bryan's steak, but I'm happy to see that the judges (and by extension perhaps people who matter in the food world) are getting sick of purees under every goddamn thing. Jenc's sauce is great, and Wolfgang proclaims that they wouldn't be able to find a better piece of halibut anywhere else in Vegas. I have to say, I know Vegas is home to some amazing feats of food, but last time I was there, LabRat and I went to what was supposedly an amazing sushi place, and agreed that we get better sushi here in St. Louis. Geography isn't everything. Jesse's chicken was dry. Mattin's meat was nice, but the sides made no sense, and he didn't show much personality in his food.

Green team. Ash has made poached halibut. What's with all the poached halibut tonight? Was there a sale? His is served on a vegetable ratatouille and parsley coulis. Jenz' chile relleno still looks kind of gross, and is served on grilled tomatillo salsa. Ron's "vice" is an inability to let his hellish month-long journey from Haiti go, so he's prepared jerked sea bass with collard greens and a Haitian hash.

Limecrete: "Topped with a demi-glace of his tears."

Laurine serves bacon donuts with both a chocolate sauce and a beer sauce. The chefs are dismissed. Ron's dish was a bit fussy, but the judges tap dance a bit to avoid overly-criticizing a man who just spilled his soul. Jenz' chile relleno was flavorless and clunky. Laurine's sauces were good, but her donuts are like golf balls. Wolfgang's colorful descriptions crack Ptom up. Ash isn't discussed.

Red team. Michael describes his homage to plastic surgery with a rack of lamb and coconut sauce with cauliflower gnocchi. Preeti has braised pork tenderloin with bourbon and yes, there's another goddamn puree underneath it, this one of sweet potato. Eve spins her story of wanting to be less complicated, then presents her plate of shrimp and scallops in a curry cream sauce. Kevin describes his portrayal of procrastination through the slow-cooked Arctic char with a turnip salsa verde and celery salad. They're dismissed. The judges love Kevin's food and his techniques. Eve's was blah. Michael had some good flavors and good presentation.

Commercials. Jennifer Aniston is in a paint-by-numbers romantic comedy. Try to contain your shock.

Judges' Table. The chefs have their usual fret 'n sweat back in the Kitchen. Jenz describes her dish to Mike, who has never heard of seitan, and once he's told what it involves, looks like he wishes he still hasn't. Padma comes back and summons Ron, Mike, Kevin, and Jenc to the table. She tries to imbue her tone with grievous importance, but once they leave, Ash immediately pegs the four of them as the winning group. Indeed, they each have the best dish of their group. Mike's fish was well-seasoned and focused. Wolfgang gives Jenc's halibut effusive praise, and kids her about her drinking. She blushes hardcore. Ron's island flavors came through well. Kevin executed everything really well. Wolfgang gets to announce the winner, which is... Kevin. Jenc comes over to hug him, which was nice. Padma sends them back to summon the losers.

Kevin's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. Ron tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Hector, Jenz, Jesse, and Eve. Everyone wishes them luck. The Odd Asian music is strangely absent, though our old friend the Gong sticks around to announce their entrance into the dining room. Hector didn't have enough smoke flavor, and his method of deep-frying the steak was questionable. He explains that he wanted a crunchy outside with caramelized fat. I've heard worse reasoning. Eve's sauce tasted like it had no seasoning whatsoever.

Eve: "I actually toned it down a little bit, to be aaaaaahnest."
Limecrete: "Aaaaaahnest?"
LabRat: "Oh, my God. She's got to be from Michigan. That is pure Michigan."
Tim: "Let me see... Yep. Ann Arbor, Michigan."
LabRat: "Gah! I knew it!"

LabRat went to grad school in Michigan, and his opinion of its residents... Let's just say it's strong. Anyhow, Eve blathers something nonsensical, up to a Jill level of utter lack of comprehension, and perhaps even a bit beyond. Everything on her plate gets a big thumbs down. Jenz' food was unrefined, and Gail didn't get any of the heat she was going for. Unlike Eve, who accepted her criticisms meekly, Jenz disagrees with the judges. She says that she's made this same exact dish before with much better feedback. The judges ask her about her use of the much-discussed seitan. Jenz clearly enjoys it, though nobody else did. Jesse had a good idea, but her chicken was dried out. Jesse understands exactly what she did wrong, and almost bursts into tears at what is really a pretty mild critique. I don't sense her sticking around for long. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Gail was happy to see that most of the losing chefs harbored no delusions about why they were in the bottom. Jesse had a good idea, and only a minor problem of execution. Hector had bad execution, but at least had some imagination. Ptom also thinks he had stiffer competition in a very strong Black team. Jenz' pepper wasn't cooked properly or seasoned properly. Eve's shrimp was hideously overcooked, she didn't season one thing correctly, and she had no overall concept. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Hector didn't smoke his meat well. Eve's a mess from top to bottom. Jenz' idea didn't come across, and her dish plain sucked. Jesse's chicken was dry. Ptom says the decision as to who is first to go is always a difficult one. Really? I would think this first round would be the easiest to judge. There's always at least a couple of chefs who are clearly out of their depth. Speaking of which, let's go over to Padma for the chop. Jenz. Please pack your knives and go. Interesting. I really thought it would be Eve. Terrible as Jenz' dish seemed to be, she at least had a concept. Jesse gives her a commiserating squeeze on the way out of the dining room. Jenz interviews that she didn't think she'd go this early, and that she just tried to do something different to stand out. Well, if that was her goal, I'd say she met it.

This season on Top Chef: Cooking. Yelling. Tattoos. Weird-ass challenges. Weird-ass guest judges. Fighting. Misuse of the word literally.

Overall Grade: B+