Brokedown Shallots

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 6

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs went camping, to the dismay of many of them. Ron hacked a coconut. Bryan picked up steam, winning yet another Elimination Challenge. Ptom spit Mattin's food out, and the competition spit Mattin out. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. When in doubt, blueberry muffins are always a crowd-pleaser. Don't tell anyone at the viewing party how easy they are, or they won't be impressed with me anymore. Speaking of the viewing party, I have to admit that Tiffany is responsible for the entry title this week. I wish I could take credit, because it made me LOL, as the kids say.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Apparently, Mattin has left behind a crate of his trademark red neckerchiefs, and the rest of the chefs decide to wear them as a tribute to their eliminated friend. He was a popular guy, and nobody was happy to see him go, especially when Robin was ripe for elimination. The general consensus (voiced by Mike and Jenc here) is that she's not nearly a good a chef as Mattin is, and they can't understand why she's still hanging around, while more accomplished chefs have been chopped. Well, why don't I just go ahead and quote myself? "Um, because this is a competition in which your performance in particular challenges determines if you advance or not, regardless of overall skill? Is this a surprise to anyone?" Robin is well aware of her outsider status, but shrugs that her style is intentionally simple, so that's what she's going to stick to.

Quickfire Challenge. Padma laughs at the infusion of red neckerchiefs before introducing this round's guest judge, Michelle Bernstein. Kevin interviews that Michelle has eaten at his place before, and that she enjoys clean, simple flavors. Padma says that for this Quickfire, the chefs will be making a duo of food. One of the dishes will represent that angel that sits on one shoulder, while the other will represent the devil. Not a bad challenge idea! The chefs have one hour, and immunity for the winner is back in play. I wonder why they didn't offer it last week. It seems almost random. Ready? Go!

Chefs scatter. Ash admits he's taking a big risk in attempting a duo of custards. Eli works on a heavy and light scallop duo. There's a horrible Frankenbyte in which they try to make him sound like he's bragging. Seriously, that quote came from about three different speeches, and was the most amateur sound editing I've heard in a while. Maybe that's why you guys don't win Emmys, Toby. Robin interviews that when she was diagnosed with cancer, she had to give up a lot of sugar, so her angel/demon inspiration is wanting sweetness, while at the same time realizing that she shouldn't indulge. Bryan thinks he's been overcomplicating Quickfires, so he's attempting to simplify. One of Ash's custards doesn't set. Time runs out, and Michelle and Padma begin to go down the line.

Michael has made a duo of smoked salmon, one of which is more modern, and one more traditional. Tasty, but has nothing to do with angels and devils. Next! For Kevin's angel, he's made a light halibut with veggies, and for the devil, a deviled egg puree with a big, fat piece of bacon. Nice! Ron has made Chilean sea bass with corn hash, and Chilean sea bass with yucca. I defy you to tell me which one is supposed to be angelic, and which one devilish. Ashley has made a light scallop crudo and a viciously salty scallop puttanesca. Eli has also made a scallop duo. One is scallops with a brown butter risotto, and the other has a radish top pesto.

Bryan is the only one to embrace a color theme over the obvious healthy vs. fattening duel, and has made a white dessert (frozen coconut, lychee, and vanilla), and a black one (dark chocolate mousse). Jenc has another scallop duo, one a crudo with olive oil, one with butter. Boring! Next! Ash only finished his devil component, a spicy asparagus custard with pink peppercorn shortbread. Well, I like where his idea was going, anyway. Robin explains that her cancer made her obsess over raw food and healthy eating, so her angelic contribution is an arugula, apple, and fennel salad. Her devilish, sweet-tooth side is a cardamom apple ginger crisp. Laurine has made a chicken and vegetable consomme and a chicken saltimbocca. Boring! Next! Mike has gone to the Greek well again, and has made cucumber yogurt soup, and lamb kabobs. Those both sound great. Michelle finds the lamb dish a bit too salty, but still. I wish he'd stop impressing me with his dishes, because it'd be a lot less complicated to just straight out dislike him.

Results. First in the bottom three is obviously Ash, because you kind of have to finish your food once in a while. Plus, his food was too hot (I'm not sure if she means temperature or spice) and runny. Bryan had a good concept, but poor execution. Laurine had no creative ideas. What, and the three scallop duos, all of which were a play on "This one's healthy, and this one's not!" blew you away? Up in the top three, Michael had perfect execution. Eli's brown butter sauce was great, as was the radish pesto. Robin's salad was a pleasure, and had terrific contrast with the apple crisp. It's time to announce the winner, and for that Michelle wants to pick the person that not only had good food, but most embraced the angel vs. devil theme, and that person is... Robin. She's thrilled. In interview, Eli whines that of course Robin won the Quickfire, because after announcing that she's had cancer, how could she not have?

Oof. That's going to require a sidebar. Let's start with me admitting the obvious things. I don't have to live with these people, and thus don't have to put up with their annoying quirks. I haven't tasted any of their food. From what we've seen so far this season, I have zero problems believing that Robin isn't nearly as sophisticated a chef as some of the others. She appears to make things that I could whip together without much difficulty. And you know what, there is such a thing as using the Cancer card to cultivate sympathy. With all of that said, Eli is offensively wrong here, and it really says something unattractive about his character that he would not only leap to that insulting conclusion, but would think it's a good idea to share with the rest of us (I guess assuming that we'd all agree with him).

Like it or not, this show is set up in such a way as to reward the person that does the best at an off-kilter challenge, and to eliminate the person that does the worst. It doesn't matter if one of you makes scrambled eggs, while the other makes duck a l'orange with citrus foam. If the eggs are good and the duck is bad, the duck chef gets cut. Maybe that isn't the way to find the most talented chef -- in fact, I'm fairly sure it isn't -- but it is the way this particular competition is structured, and after five seasons, you'd think the contestants would realize it. Also, Robin's life experience with cancer legitimately inspired her angel vs. demon dish. It was certainly a hell of a lot more authentic an idea than "Um, this scallop has greens on it, and this one has butter". Her disease has affected the way she cooks and eats, and to me, that's no different than Ashley's poverty, Ron's story of leaving Haiti (for which you'll remember he was lauded, not derided), or Hector trying to give his food a Latin twist.

Here's what really happened here. Robin's unpopular, because she talks too much, and can be loud and annoying, and her food is too simple for her fellow chefs, who equate "complex" with "good". And frankly, there's probably a nasty dose of hating her because she's older mixed in there as well. Eli's embarrassed to be beaten by such a person, and is desperately looking for any excuse that isn't "Her food was better than mine." So he lands on sympathy-baiting, as if Michelle would award the win to food she didn't like, just because she feels sorry for the old lady with lymphoma. "If you like my food, it's because it's good. If you like Robin's food, it's because you pity her." Yeah. It's pretty much the epitome of sore-loserness, with emphasis on the loser.

Anyhow, with that ugliness behind us, we move on to the Elimination Challenge. Padma brings in some more guest judges for the week. It's Penn and Teller. I enjoy them (and the first season of Bullshit! is inching its way to the top of my queue), but I'm going to skip the bit where they do magic for the chefs. Let's get to the challenge. The chefs will draw knives out of the knife block, each of which has a classic dish written on it. The challenge will be to deconstruct that dish. Jenc gets meat lasagna. Michael gets Caesar salad. Ash - shepherd's pie. Robin - New England clam chowder. Eli - sweet and sour pork. Laurine - fish 'n chips. Kevin - chicken mole negro. Bryan - Reuben. Mike - eggs florentine. Ashley - pot roast. Ron - paella. He feels good about it, but I think that his and Jenc's are probably the most difficult of the bunch.

Padma tells the chefs that they'll be serving Michelle, Penn & Teller, and the regular judges, with Toby Young filling in for Gail. Feh. I don't mind mean judges, but the meanness has to be the means to an end, not the end itself. From what I remember of Toby, he tried waaaaaaaaaay too hard to look for insulting things to say. You'll note that when any of the chefs mention Toby, they talk about his attitude, not his experience or knowledge of cuisine. If they were looking for a difficult-to-impress British judge, I wish they'd have gone for Jay Rayner, who did an excellent job on Top Chef Masters.

Commercials. When did Robert Loggia get so... crusty?

Shopping. Bryan explains what a deconstructed dish means. Then he promptly ignores that definition and buys tuna for his reuben. Ron is still confident in his ability to pare down a paella. Jenc doesn't have much (if any) experience with deconstruction, so she just buys everything that goes into a meat lasagna, and will figure out the technique later. Back in the Kitchen, no time is lost before getting started on the two hours of prep time. Mike admits that he doesn't really know what eggs florentine is. Eh? He's spent the past five episodes talking about how advanced a chef he is, and he doesn't know that eggs florentine is just eggs benedict with spinach instead of ham? Jeez. Michael, who has a lot of deconstruction experience, seems to know exactly what to do. He's off to a good start, making his own bread, creating a spherical dressing, and starting on an egg emulsion. Kevin realizes that he's going to face tough competition from Michael and Bryan on this challenge, but wants to prove that he can make a better mole negro than he did last week. The judges didn't have any issues with his sauce in that challenge, but I guess he thinks if he's not in the winners' circle, there's always room for improvement.

Jenc struggles. Her classical training has not prepared her for this kind of a challenge. She actually begins to lose it a bit, crying over her pans as she frantically searches for ideas. Ron is convinced he's got this challenge in the bag, although Eli notes that Ron isn't so much deconstructing a paella as he is just making an alteration or two. Ashley says that she didn't eat a lot of pot roast growing up, what with the poverty, but she loves the flavor. What she doesn't love is the texture, so that's her target for this challenge. Meanwhile, the piece of shit pressure cooker that Eli has brought from home explodes, sending wads of pork everywhere. Bryan is the only one hit, and he's far too zen to make a big deal out of it.

Robin casually works on her deconstructed clam chowder, secure in her immunity. She happily chatters away to herself, driving the chefs around her crazy. Laurine, in particular, is in no mood. The chips she's making for her fish 'n chips aren't getting crispy enough, so she's standing over the fryer, babysitting them. Robin asks her to pull a pan out of the oven and that, combined with her immunity and the annoying babbling, has Laurine ready to toss Robin in the fryer with her chips. Of course, Laurine could have said "Sorry, but I have to watch my own food right now," instead of caving and then seething about it, but whatever. Ptom drops by for what I'm just now realizing is his first Ptimewaste of the season. It also serves as a reminder as to how much I didn't miss it. Hilariously, Jenc keeps fleeing from one side of the Kitchen to the other to avoid talking to him. He eventually corners her, and she attempts to come up with a reasonable explanation of what she's doing. Her beet red face gives her away. Time winds down.

That night, Kevin and Eli try to talk Ron through how he might approach deconstruction, but he's just not getting it. Laurine bitches and moans to the others about how annoying Robin is. She's got a lot better reason to be frustrated than Eli, but after the rest of this episode, I just can't get behind any more Robin-bashing.

Interstitial. A shocking number of the chefs have no idea what eggs florentine is, and anyone I just spotted admitting that no longer gets to crow about how advanced and sophisticated a chef they are. I've taken down names.

The next day, Jenc interviews about how nervous she is. She appears to be the first contestant to realize that no matter how many times you're in the winners' circle, you're judged anew on each dish, so anyone could go. Thank you! I'm glad at least one of them gets it. The chefs are driven to the restaurant where they'll be serving, and have one hour to finish up their food. The judges get seated out in the dining room. Mike and Michael will be serving first. Michael is cool as a cucumber, while Mike curses his sloppy presentation. He's happy with the flavors, though. They go out to present. Michael's Caesar salad looks amazing. The encapsulated dressing (I think it's encapsulated in Parmesan, but I'm not sure) can be cracked like an egg, which is extremely clever. That's not even including the homemade brioche and warm Parmesan jelly. I know I beat up on him for his smarmy attitude last week, but there's a lot to be said for such an impressive plate. Mike's eggs florentine is braised kale with an egg emulsion and some crispy phyllo. He wasn't kidding about the crappy presentation. Toby nails it as being a reinvention, rather than a deconstruction. Everyone really likes the Caesar salad, though.

Next up are Laurine and Bryan. Laurine chips are too soggy, and she's working to get them crispier. She throws them in the oven, and they burn, so now she's down to about a dozen usable chips. Isn't it odd how the chefs who have spent this episode slamming Robin for doing overly simplistic food can't manage the simplest parts of their dishes? Uncanny! She and Bryan go out to present. Bryan giggles over the fact that he's serving Penn, who's a fairly large guy, this tiny plate of food. His "Reuben" includes tuna, warm mayonnaise, shallots, fried capers, the essence of Thousand Island flavors, gruyere cheese, and rye bread. Hey, remember three seconds ago, when Mike was taken to task for having a "reinvention" rather than a "deconstruction"? I'm here to tell you, if your "Reuben" doesn't have corned beef or even a hint of sauerkraut, it's not a Reuben in any sense of the word. Laurine has oil-poached halibut, some zucchini relish, a bit of tomato confit, and what's left of her parsley chips. Neither her fish nor chips go over well. The fish is dry and overcooked, and Teller has to chew his chip like cud to get it down. The foodie judges are in love with Bryan's "Reuben", and I'm grateful to Penn for taking more of a sensible, Everyman position by saying that while it tasted good, it wasn't a Reuben.

Ash and Jenc are up next. The main potato component to Ash's dish (a parsnip puree) hasn't worked out, and has a gummy texture. "Here's what I wanted to do, and here's why it didn't work," is fast becoming Ash's main character arc. He replaces the parsnip with a pea puree. Jenc is still very shaky about her food, and fears elimination. She likes the flavors, but is disappointed in it, overall. Ash's deconstructed shepherd's pie is pan-seared lamb chops with leeks, glazed carrots, a pea puree, and some Madeira jus. Jenc's lasagna has homemade pasta, flat iron steak, a mascarpone bechamel, Parmesan crisp, and tomato sauce. I am forced to point out that like a lot of past contestants, she mispronounces mascarpone. It's gotten to the point where we should probably just change the word to marscapone, since that's what everyone's instinct is. Of course, this is the same woman who says se-VEECH, so maybe we shouldn't be in such a hurry to amend the dictionary. Lingual issues aside, Jenc has once again knocked the challenge out of the park. Nobody has a bad thing to say about her lasagna. Ash, on the other hand, gets plenty. Some of his meat is undercooked. Some of his meat is overcooked. His dish completely lacked a potato element, which is necessary in shepherd's pie.

Up next are Ron and Eli. Ron can't get his rice as crispy as he wants it. That's the least of his problems. His paella has seafood, lemon, herb oil, chayote, and peas. Eli's sweet and sour pork is pork rillettes with a broccoli puree, raw broccoli salad, and a sweet and sour sauce. The judges dig in. Ron's is a mess from top to bottom. His rice is overcooked, yet not crispy, and his concept doesn't represent any sort of deconstruction. Eli's food tastes good, though Toby says that it's visually unappealing, which I agree with. He compares them to bull testicles, which Padma proudly brags about having sampled.

Penn: "I'll bet."
LabRat: "He's going after her, now that she's single."

I'm just happy the bull testicles aren't showing up on her dress this time. Next to serve are Ashley and Kevin. Neither of them are entirely happy with their presentations. That seems to be a theme for the evening. Ashley's pot roast is seared strip loin with potato puree, some crispy shallots, celery salad, and a carrot foam. Kevin's chicken mole negro has a gazillion components, so I'll just report what the subtitles see fit to include, which is a chicken thigh croquette, Mexican coffee fig jam, and a pumpkin/sunflower seed romesco. Both of them are given heavy praise. They both delivered wonderful plates of food, in the judges' estimation.

Robin is last to serve, which is weird. Who wraps up a dinner with soup? She gives the Standard Speech. Instead of soup, she's made a fennel flan with potato-crusted clams, and some crushed bacon. Well, I'll say she had good ideas as far as deconstruction goes. Unfortunately, it doesn't work out flavor- or texture-wise. Padma thanks Penn and Teller, and adjourns the table.

Commercials. I love Ricky Gervais, but it's almost impossible to build a big movie around him.

Fret 'n sweat. It lives up to its name, as Ash frets about his plate, and Jenc sweats over the fact that her dish didn't live up to her standards. Padma comes back, and summons Ashley, Michael, Kevin, and Jenc to Judges' Table. I guess it's time for Jenc to lower her standards! She lets out a sigh of relief when it's revealed that she, along with the others, of course, are in the winners' circle. Michael did a perfect job of deconstruction. Ashley's pot roast was new and exciting. Hey, where's the Eli interview in which he says that the only reason she's in the winners' circle is because the judges feel sorry for her growing up poor? I must have missed it. Every one of Kevin's little ingredients was necessary, and worked well. Jenc's simplicity worked in her favor, and Ptom was impressed she was able to overcome the nerves she had during his Ptimewaste. I'll throw in my traditional whine here that no matter how nervous or scatterbrained or pissy or hysterical a chef is during the preparation, it shouldn't figure into the final judging on their food, and although it's irrelevant in this particular case, it's one of the main problems I have with this show's structure.

Michelle gets to announce the winner, and it is... Kevin. He wins a set of non-stick cookware, and appears to be happy about it, although I have to think that he's probably set for pans back at home. I'll take them off his hands, if he wants. He vows to trust his instincts, as it always seems to serve him well. Padma asks him to send back the losers. Back in the Kitchen, Ash passive-aggressively attacks Robin for making simple food. OH MY FUCKING GOD, ENOUGH WITH THIS. And Ash? Perhaps you could save the sanctimonious speeches until after you're actually able to finish some food on time. Just a thought. The winners come back, and Kevin shows off his new acquisition. Michael tells them the judges want to see Laurine, Ron, and Ash. Curiously, the Odd Asian Music is back with us after being absent for so long. I guess his friend the Gong missed him.

Ash's shepherd's pie was lacking the potato aspect it needed. Ash spins his usual excuses about how his food didn't come together how he'd hoped. Ptom's bigger problem is with the inconsistency of the cooking on the lamb chops. Ash pageants that he's got a lot to offer and can give the other chefs a run for their money. Laurine admits that the challenge was difficult for her, because deconstructing is not something she normally does. She gets a point for knowing what was wrong with her food before the judges tell her, which they always like to see. Ptom says that the dish was "tentative", and Laurine freely says that it's not the type of food she typically does. Even if Ron didn't have the hardest dish to deconstruct, which he did, he still had no idea what he was doing. His rice and seafood was all overcooked. Padma says that in addition to having bad food, his bad food wasn't a real manipulation of regular paella. Michelle agrees that if he was going to blow the challenge parameters, he could at least make something taste good. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Toby gives paella a British pronunciation (pah-EL-uh), and makes fun of Americans for giving it its proper Spanish "ya" sound. He says that we don't say MEH-hee-koh or barth-eh-LOH-na. Michelle pisses that she has a Latin background (not really the point) and thus does give the words, including Barcelona, their accented pronunciations. Toby apologizes.

Limecrete: "Damn, is dinner over? Cause he just got served."
Tiffany: "She thinks he's an ath-hole."

All that aside, Ron screwed up both the concept and the execution of his food. Ash served bad tomatoes, couldn't cook his meat consistently, and should have had potatoes. Toby says that Ash's dish is the one he'd least like to eat again. They do grudgingly give him a point for realizing what was wrong with his food. Laurine's fish was dry, and she was uncomfortable with the challenge, which translated into her food. The judges make a decision.

Elimination. None of the bottom three did a good job of deconstructing their dish. Ron didn't depart from the original, and just flat-out served bad food. Laurine didn't offer enough chips. Ash's food didn't resemble shepherd's pie. We go over to Padma for the chop. Ron. Please pack your knives and go. Yeah, it was time. He seems like a wonderful guy, but was completely at sea with this challenge. No pun intended. In his final interview, he talks about the accomplishments he's achieved since he got to America. This experience has been fun for him, but he's looking forward to all the stuff that awaits. He gets his good-bye hugs, and walks out the door, leaving behind the whitest season we've ever seen.

Overall Grade: B-