The Girls The Lionesses Are Hunting

America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 9

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Kahlen learned of a friend's death, and channeled her grief into determination at a graveyard-themed photo shoot, resulting in one of her best pictures to date. I'm sure that's a great comfort to her dead friend, looking down from heaven, all "Glad I could help, bitch." Oh, and Tatiana was sent home, to the dismay of...well, pretty much nobody except Tatiana.

We're back at the pad, and it occurs to me that there's really not very many people to root for anymore. Kahlen's not bad (though she's starting to look more and more like Melissa Joan Hart with every passing hour...very disturbing), and Naima's awesome, but that's about it. Everyone talks about how they're in it to win it. Really? And all this time, I figured you wanted to act as cannon fodder so someone thinner and prettier could put you out of your misery. Twits. Of course, this is all just a precursor to the Tyra Mail which asks, "Are you born to be wild?" That irritating song immediately surges through my brain, and will refuse to leave for the duration of the show. Great. I was hoping for another addition to the rapidly growing list called "Evidence That My Subconscious Hates Me". Anyway, the girls figure out that they'll be working with animals, which is pretty impressive when you think about what these girls can't figure out. Like how twist-ties work.

The next morning is dreary and rainy, and the models meet J. Alexander at some sort of wildlife park. I hesitate to call it a nature reserve, because come on. This is Los Angeles. The closest they come to nature are the crows that pick at the bloated raccoon corpses lining the highways. Everyone looks pretty miserable to be standing around in the rain, and boy, do I feel them on that. It's been raining here pretty steadily for almost a week, and I'm already on the verge of taking a nice, relaxing vacation to Death Valley. Miss J introduces everyone to the wildlife park guy, who looks pleased as punch to be hanging out with a bunch of skinny girls with wet T-shirts. And Keenyah, too. Zing! Oh, I'm just kidding. Who in their right mind would think Keenyah is fat? Besides all her friends, of course.

The models learn that their first challenge this week will be to study the animals, then strike a pose that captures their "essence". They all watch very intently as leopards and tigers and bears are paraded before them. They even allow a bear covered in foamy spit to eat a marshmallow out of their mouths. Kahlen finds this disgusting, and while that's understandable, I'm actually kind of jealous. Seriously, it looks fun. You know the world's an unfair place when people like Christina get to do cool things like that and you don't. Anyway, that's all the animals they have to study. It's too bad there weren't any hippos. Keenyah would have had this contest sewn up. The girls all do their poses, and pretty much everyone sucks. It's a crap challenge anyway. I mean, "pose like a bear"? What can you even do except open your mouth like you're trying to catch an errant salmon? Since there has to be a winner, and since the winner should be someone who's good at acting like a slobbering animal, naturally Brittany emerges victorious. She's told to pick two friends to share in the reward, and she chooses Keenyah and Christina. They all celebrate, not noticing as the Irony Fairy looks down and selects them as his next target.

A bunch of lions come out and look at the girls through a wire fence, and then everyone is attacked by the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man. Oh, I'm sorry, that's Tyra, who is wearing an inexplicably ugly parka. She springs the news that everyone will be going to South Africa for the next challenge. They are thrilled to hear it. Then suddenly, we're back at the loft as the girls leave for the airport. So...what were those lions for? What a weird edit. As they haul their baggage out of the loft, I'm struck once again by the hot pink, bubble-lettered graffiti on the wall. It's straight out of the opening credits of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I half expect Will Smith to show up and teach that uppity Carlton a lesson.

South Africa! On the bus ride to another safari-nature-reserve type thing, Michelle reads some tips and warnings about South African culture out of a pamphlet; things like you should never point at someone with your index finger. As she tries to share this information with the rest of the group, Brittany and Keenyah are laughing it up, interrupting her with a bunch of lame jokes. Michelle takes offense, and interviews that she feels like everything she does is taken as a source of ridicule. On the one hand, I think Brittany and Keenyah were more making fun of the pamphlet than making fun of Michelle. On the other hand, I think she's hit the nail on the head. The other girls have zero respect for her, which is a real shame. Just because she's kinda ugly doesn't mean she doesn't deserve some common courtesy. Cheer up, Ugly Michelle!

Since Tyra and Company probably had to spend a lot of money to shoot in South Africa, they're going to show every damn minute they filmed, audience be damned, so we're treated to about 20 minutes of filler. Let's see if I can hit the salient points. Tyra talks about the burgeoning South African fashion industry. Everyone oohs and aahs like they can't believe that such backwards people even wear clothes, let alone manufacture and sell them. The girls all dance around in a circle with some African tribesmen, who are putting on just as much of a trained show as the animals back in LA did. Poor guys. I'm guessing the second the cameras are turned off and the tourists go home, they're all "Christ, finally. Honey, could you get me a beer?"

The next day, the girls go on a mini-safari, and as they cruise by the animals, their guide gives them some tips to avoid being attacked by lions, namely: shut the fuck up. Three guesses who has trouble following this simple rule. Yes, Brittany pretty much prattles away moronically, as she's prone to do. A bunch of lionesses stare at the car, and one actually starts to approach. Everyone looks terrified, and hysterically whisper to Brittany to shut her fat yap. Go for Keenyah, lions! She's packed with meat! Nobody gets mauled, but how cool would that have been? Unsurprisingly, the easiest way to get away from the lion is to simply press the damn gas pedal, so the models will live to see another day. That night, Brittany, Keenyah, and Christina are finally told about their reward; they'll get to stay in some lovely hotel accommodations while the other girls have to rough it in some tents. The "winners" make a bunch of kissy noises as they take off, basically rubbing the other girls' noses in it. Since this seems to be the week of assholes getting their comeuppance, they discover that their hotel, while beautiful, is swarming with insects, and no amount of rose petals in the jacuzzi will prevent them from being eaten alive all night. There's even a quick cut back to the campsite, where the other girls are sleeping like babies. Hah! Nice work, editors.

Breakfast. Keenyah gets up to get some more food, and Brittany warns her about eating too much. Keenyah protests that she's only going to get some yogurt but Brittany won't relent, saying that's she's only bringing it up because she likes Keenyah. That is so sweet. I think the next time I see a good friend, I'll tell them how ugly their hair is, because that's just the kind of caring person I am. Shut up, Brittany. Since it's rude to point the index finger in South Africa, I'll just wave a different finger in your direction. "It's just yogurt!" Keenyah exclaims, and that's pretty much going to be my catch phrase of choice for the upcoming week.

Time for the main challenge. Jay Manuel appears, looking even uglier and more unnatural in this beautiful setting than he does in LA. He introduces Gerda the photographer, and explains that the girls will be photographed with a bottle of Lubriderm while being dressed as various animals and posing with Mary the crocodile. Isn't that a great name for a crocodile? It's just so incongruous, giving a dangerous animal an almost boringly normal name. Awesome. Kahlen will be a springbok, the national animal of South Africa. Christina - ostrich. Michelle - zebra. Brittany - giraffe. Naima - cheetah. And Keenyah...oh, poor Keenyah. Keenyah will be the elephant. Such a porker, that one. The girls get prepared, and the shoot begins. Brittany's giraffe looks amazing. Amazing hair, amazing outfit, amazing makeup, and loath as I am to admit it, amazing pose. She just nailed this one. Christina the ostrich looks good too. She's kind of gawky anyway, so it works for her. Someone needs to tell her that it's flamingos that stand on one leg, though. No juice and cookies until you study your Sierra Club flashcards, Christina. Kahlen seems to get over her animal revulsion as she puts one hand firmly on Mary's back. Everyone tells her that she did a marvelous job with her springbok photo, but I'm not feeling it. She's squatting weirdly, and her makeup is distracting. Naima is gorgeous, as always. Her mohawky hair works well for the cheetah, and she does a very lithe, catlike pose. I'm telling you she's going to win this thing.

Keenyah looks ridiculous. It's not entirely her fault, since her elephant costume looks like something a second-grader threw together at the last minute for the school play. Still, she does a pretty dumb pose, angling her arm to symbolize "elephant trunk" and landing closer to "fighting off an axe murderer". She interviews that she's been putting on some weight, and had to suck in her gut for the photos. Yeah, I'll bet she's tipping the scales at, like, 80 pounds. Michelle looks nothing like a zebra, except that she's dressed in black and white. She just plants a foot on Mary and strikes a generic model pose. I'm not sure zebras caress their own thighs like that, Michelle.

That night, the girls are eating dinner at a place called The Five Flies, which is the greatest name for a restaurant, ever. Everyone's chatting and laughing, and out of nowhere, Naima says "Are you feeling alienated, Michelle?" Michelle kind of doesn't have answer to that, and how can she? If she says yes, she comes off as a whiny complainer. If she says no, she looks like a hypocritical liar. I have no idea if Naima said that because she's genuinely concerned about Michelle, or to try and lighten the mood or to be a snotty bitch. It was very strange and inappropriate, and the only end result is to make Michelle feel like shit. I hate to say it, but shut up, Naima.

It's time for the judging and final challenge. Present as always are Janice, Nigel, Tyra, and Nole, with special guest judge Gerda the photographer. The challenge is to take an object and use it to emote a word that the judges give. Let's begin. Show me passion! Fear! Anger! Happiness! Aloof! A-what? None of the models have a clue what aloof means. They even ask for hints. Smile pretty, girls. I'm not sensing a lot of available backup careers for you. The judges deliberate. Kahlen has really stepped up. Brittany is an ass, but takes good photos. Naima is awesome. Christina is Christina. Michelle sucks. Keenyah is fat. They call the girls back in for their usual dressing down. Janice complains that none of them conveyed true passion, and to demonstrate what that is, gets up and plants a huge one right on Tyra's mouth. I watch agape in fascination and horror as they fall to the ground, and Janice wraps her legs around Tyra like she's trying to climb the rope in gym class. Well, you can't say that wasn't passionate. The judges tell Keenyah that she's too pudgy, Christina that she has no upper lip, and Naima that she's a cipher with no personality. Ouch. This show rips through self-esteem like a hot knife through butter. And hey, isn't that why we're tuning in?

There are six girls, but only five photos. Kahlen is safe. Brittany is safe. Christina. Naima. Will Michelle and Keenyah please step forward? Tyra tells Keenyah that she needs to slim down and focus more on her photos, and gives Michelle a bunch of generic criticism that basically boils down to: "You're too ugly to be a model". Keenyah receives her picture, and Michelle will be going home. She cries and packs her things as she voices over that she was in it to win it (sigh), and is sorry to have to leave. She leaves a note for the other girls (with a big smiley face on it; you just know she's one of those women who doesn't know when its time to stop writing notes in purple ink and dotting her I's with little hearts) wishing them luck. Aw. She seems like a nice person, but it's hard to argue with the judges' decision on this one. Michelle does the Back to the Future fadeout from the cast photo. And then there were five.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Keenyah is...you guessed it! In it to win it. The girls are offered a chance to judge each other, and catty sniping ensues. Oooh, that looks fun.

Overall Grade: B-

We Got A Gnome! We Got A Gnome!

The Amazing Race - Season 7, Episode 9

Previously on The Amazing Race: Uchenna and Joyce were fucking awesome, and snagged the Fast Forward to vault into first place, while the sneering, nasty queers who give the rest of us a bad name were thankfully eliminated. See ya, Lynn and Alex! Please don't represent my people anymore!

Jodhpur, India - 11:24 PM. Uchenna and Joyce take off from the mat, and we learn that the teams have to make their way to Istanbul, Turkey. Wait, the teams actually have to book the flights themselves? Wow, that messes with my whole perception of this season, namely: "Hey, here's what flight you're going to be on, stupid." Uchenna and Joyce head off to find a travel agency and get tickets for 10:20 AM to Delhi, where they will have to arrange any further flights (eventually, all the teams will do this).

11:26 PM. Ron/Kelly and Rob/Amber depart. Two minutes? Ouch. Guess that Fast Forward didn't give Uchenna and Joyce much of a leg up. If only there were some way to increase their lead! We also learn that all of the teams will be receiving $82 for this leg of the race.

11:33 PM. Meredith and Gretchen are the last to depart. Man, they have got to be the luckiest team in the history of this show. Never have I seen someone make it to the final four based entirely on the incompetence of other teams. Plus, it looks like Gretchen's scabs have finally healed. So that's good, except for the fact that when she's fit and rested, Gretchen tends to wail like an air-raid siren. Maybe another wound would calm her down a bit?

Once in Delhi, everyone starts frantically checking for early flights to Istanbul, and they all manage to find one that leaves at 4:45 AM and arrives in Istanbul at 8:45 AM. Then, a bright light shone down from the heavens, and the Angel of Karma descended. He smiled, pointed at the television, and was gone in a flash. Huh. That was weird. I turned back to the screen just in time to catch Rob casually mention to Gretchen: "Hey, did you get on the earlier flight to Istanbul?" Hmmmm? Did I miss something? What earlier flight? Why, the mythical flight that Rob invented to shake up the other teams. He describes all this in an interview with his usual self-satisfied smirk that makes me want to jam a squirrel in him. He goes back and gloats to Amber about this masterful stroke, and they have a good giggle over how dumb everyone else is. Drat, if only I could remember what comes after "What goes around..." Oh, well. I'm sure it'll come to me. Indeed, Rob's plan works perfectly, as Meredith/Gretchen and Uchenna/Joyce start fretting that they don't have the best flight. Uchenna borrows a cell phone to call around and discovers...an earlier flight! This one leaves at 8 PM, connects through Dubai, and gets into Istanbul at 6:20 AM, more than two hours before the one that Rob The Strategist is on. To their credit, Rob and Amber do look for better flight options for themselves (and Ron/Kelly), but are told by multiple airline agents that the flight they're on is the best. I'm not sure what happened here. Either A) Rob only asked about direct flights, and ignored the possibility of a better flight through a connecting city, B) The agents were mistaken (or lying, since he was asking about other carriers) about there not being other flight options, C) Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen got the last seats on the early flight and there really wasn't a better option, or D) God hates Rob. Heh, it's probably all of the above. All the teams get on their flights, and Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly are a bit puzzled that the other two teams have apparently vanished, but are happy to have a sizeable lead over them. Snerk.

Istanbul! Hagia Sophia! Everything's really pretty! Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen land and get directions to take a train to a ferry, the ferry to a smaller boat, and the smaller boat to the island called Kiz Kulesi. Once there, they have to search the tower and nearby grounds for a Travelocity gnome that they will have to carry around for the rest of the leg. Normally, I'd be sickened by such gross product placement, but at least they're doing this at an actual landmark of Turkey. Compared to TAR6's "task" in Hungary that required the teams to go into a coffee shop and log onto AOL, which I can fucking do at the local Starbucks, this is pretty tolerable. Also, each of the gnomes has an icon on the bottom, and the team that picks the airplane icon will win a fantabulous prize at the end of the leg. Meredith and Gretchen are moving kind of slow (I know, I'm shocked too), so Uchenna and Joyce manage to get a comfortable lead. Nobody has any trouble finding a gnome, and the teams boat back to the mainland, where they grab a taxi to the next clue, which is a Detour. The Detour is Columns or Kilos. In Columns, you use a grid map to check four columns for a number. Then you hoist up a locked box and put in different combinations of the numbers to open it. In Kilos, you get a scale from a local man, and weigh people until you have a sum of 2500 kilos (5500 pounds). It's a good Detour, in that it's not immediately obvious which is better. In the end, I'd have to say Kilos would be quicker, but Columns is closer, so who knows? Both the lead teams pick Kilos.

Hahahahaha!!! The second flight is just landing (1 hour and 57 minutes after the other one - looks like they made up some time in the air). Rob and Amber get on the train pretty quickly, but Ron and Kelly hesitate for a few minutes, and wind up missing it and having to wait for another one. On the way to Kiz Kulesi, Rob asks the ferryman if any teams have been there before him, and gets the bad news that two have already been by. He pitches a fit. I laugh my ass off. All is well. Amber easily finds a gnome, they boat back to the dock, and decide to take the ferry again, rather than getting a taxi like all the other teams. That probably cost them some time. Not that I'm gleefully cackling about it or anything. On the ferry, Rob and Amber spy Ron and Kelly just arriving at the island. Ron and Kelly learn that not only do they not have a comfortable lead, but they are now firmly entrenched in last place. Whoopsie.

Ron and Kelly get their gnome, get back, and hop into a taxi. As they take in the sights of Turkey, Ron mentions (pretty much just in passing, it seems to me) that there's so much he still has to do before settling down. Kelly and her biological clock can't let this pass without comment, so she accuses him of being afraid of commitment. He naturally points out that he committed himself to the military, and she counters this point by saying he wormed his way out of that by becoming a POW. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?!?! What a goddamn bitch. He reacts a lot more kindly than I would, just kind of sarcastically blowing her off. Seriously, is she retarded? There is just no scenario in which what she said was OK. After I pick my jaw up off the ground, I make a mental note to buy one of these as soon as possible.

There's not much to say about the Kilos detour except that Meredith and Gretchen initially cannot find the man with the scales, and fall further behind. Uchenna and Joyce have no problems getting people to hop on the scale, and get their next clue which leads them to Rumeli Hisari, a ridiculously beautiful fortress where they encounter this week's Roadblock. The Roadblock looks pretty exhausting. The person who does it has to climb up a 25-foot rope ladder, climb a staircase to a tower, search the tower area for a key, then rappel back down to open a book with the key. Uchenna takes it for his team, and does fine, except for a bit of trouble finding the key. Back at the bottom, the unlocked book directs him and Joyce to the pit stop, which is inside the fortress. They run up to Phil and the adorable-as-always greeter and are welcomed as Team #1. Their gnome does not have the airplane icon, but still! Hooray! They had a fantastic day.

Meredith and Gretchen finally finish up with Kilos, and get to the fortress. Gretchen takes the Roadblock, and good for her. I give her a hard time because she's loud and can be obnoxious, but I do have to admire the way she throws herself into the tasks. I can only hope I can do half the things she's done on this race when I'm her age. She has some problems trying to get up the rope ladder, but eventually makes it. She spots a key, gets back down with no trouble, and unlocks the book. Welcome, Meredith and Gretchen. You are Team #2, and for once, you deserve it. Their gnome is not the winner, either.

The rest wraps up rather quickly. Rob and Amber pick Kilos. Ron and Kelly choose Columns. They both finish easily, and head for the Roadblock, and Rob/Amber arrive first. Rob and Ron take the Roadblock for their teams, but Rob/Amber have too substantial a lead and arrive at the mat as Team #3 while Ron is still searching for the key at the top of the tower. In a shocking development, Rob and Amber's gnome is not the winner either. I'm not being sarcastic. I fully expected them to get it. It's like an early birthday present or something. Awww, thanks, Amazing Race! Ron and Kelly finally finish and are told they are the last team to arrive, but in a not-at-all shocking development, are spared by non-elimination. All of their money and possessions are taken away, a penalty which has yet to have any effect on any team, ever. Plus, in an even less shocking development for viewers who can count to four, their gnome has the winning icon on the bottom. They win $20,000 to spend on Travelocity, and are told they are going to spend the night at the Four Seasons rather than in the fortress. How nice. That ought to buck up their spirits as they consider the prospect of spending even more time together.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Uchenna continues his quest to become my secret boyfriend. Joyce and Meredith (almost literally) blow a gasket.

Overall Grade: A-

Thornfield

Welcome to What'ere, Jane Eyre! Once in a while, I'll get questions about this odd hobby of mine, so I figured it'd be nice to have a handy reference guide. Let's get to it!

GENERAL INFO

I'm sorry. "What'ere, Jane Eyre"? The hell?

What'ere, Jane Eyre is a phrase an old friend and I cooked up. It's for those times that someone will make a statement so stupid or cliched, you don't even know where to begin deconstructing it. Essentially, it's the short version of "You're full of crap, but even attempting to dissect what's wrong with that statement is not worth the time or effort." And you know who makes a lot of stupid, cliched statements? Reality show contestants! Hence the title.

So this blog has nothing to do with the actual Jane Eyre?

Not as such, no. But I do love that book, and some of the movies/miniseries haven't been bad, either.

What's the point of recapping a show we've already seen? Get a life!

It's just a hobby of mine. Some people knit. I spew sarcastic shit about reality shows.

I think you suck. How can I let you know that?

Sorry to hear it. I should really stop sending those people around to your house to force you at gunpoint to read my blog. I welcome disagreement. I really do. If you interpret a scene in a completely different way than I do, please feel free to leave a comment explaining why, and we'll hash it out. It's just the straight-up trolls that get deleted.

Geez, you're harsh. Surely you understand that reality shows are heavily edited, right? [So-and-so] isn't a bad person in real life; they just showed her worst moments!

I don't doubt it. But this blog isn't about what a certain contestant is like, overall. It's about what is shown in the episode. I'm perfectly willing to believe that someone who was a complete asshole on the show is really quite lovely in person. But since all I discuss is the show, then all I'm going to talk about is her being an asshole. Frankly, I don't think it's too much of a reach to say that everyone I've ever seen complaining about how the editors made them look like jerks were just as jerky in post-game interviews and such. Also, they can't show you looking like a complete tool if you don't act like one.

I blog about [show], too! Can I link to you?

Sure thing.

What's a "Frankenbyte"?

A glaringly obvious mashup of quotes patched together from different sentences by editors who are trying to make someone look angry (bitter, horny, jealous, etc.)

You harp on grammar too much.

You don't harp on grammar enough. I sometimes like to bend grammar for stylistic purposes, but if you spot something that's really incorrect (or an irritating typo), please let me know. I'd want to fix that.

How come you don't blog about [show]? Why are there episodes (or entire seasons) missing or shortened from the shows you do cover?

I just cover what I have time for and what I find interesting. I do some retroactive writing once in a while (like the first season of America's Next Top Model), but as a general rule, if I didn't write about it, it's because real life intruded, or the show was so bad/boring/insulting that I didn't feel like devoting any time to it.

THE AMAZING RACE

I don't remember teams bursting into a song called "Poor Us, We're Out of It". What is it?

Watching team after team pass you as you struggle with a difficult task must be extremely frustrating. Same goes for missing a bus, getting lost, or a host of other problems. That said, I get fed up with people who respond to every setback with something along the lines of "Well, that's that, then. We're obviously going to be eliminated now." It's an unattractive attitude, repetitive to the point of tedium, and most importantly, usually untrue. So now when someone expresses that sentiment, I unsympathetically refer to it as singing a chorus of "Poor Us, We're Out of It".

S7: The entries start near the end of the season, and they're really short. Why?

That's when the blog was begun, and I didn't have a home computer, so everything was written off of hastily-scribbled notes.

S8: The entries get shorter and shorter, then disappear altogether. What gives?

That season sucked ass, and I got fed up with it.

S9: Tools? Hippies? Huh?

The Tools: Eric and Jeremy. Thus named because they were...tools.
The Hippies: BJ and Tyler. Thus named because they were...hippie-ish.
MoJo: Monica and Joseph. Thus named because that's what they named themselves.
Double D: Danielle and Dani. Thus named because that's what BJ called them, and because their breasts were the only noteworthy thing about them.
Frankenberry: Fran and Barry. Thus named because it's an awesome mashup of their names.
The Harpies: Lisa (or Joni) and Joni (or Lisa). Thus named because they refused to stop shrieking.

S10: Aaah, more nicknames! Help!

KanDustin: Kandice and Dustin. Thus named because DUUUUH.
RoKi: Rob and Kimberly. Thus named because it's a mashup of their names, and is pronounced like the fighter, which they were always doing. Get it?
The Underdogs: The alliance of Erwin/Godwin, Lyn/Karlyn, and David/Mary. Thus named because they managed to come from behind an astounding number of times.
The Bottom Feeders: The temporary team of David/Mary/Lyn/Karlyn. Thus named because they sucked.
The Plastics: The temporary team of James/Tyler/Rob/Kimberly. Thus named because they were all blandly pretty, and about as sharp as overcooked pasta.
The Prom Court: The temporary team of James/Tyler/Kandice/Dustin. Thus named because you just know they were all really popular in high school.
KanDustCho: The temporary team of Kandice/Dustin/Erwin/Godwin. Thus named because they had nothing in common, so I just had to crush their names together.

S10: No full-length recaps for the last couple of episodes?

Sorry. I should have forced myself to do those, but unfortunately, once KanDustin started struggling, I stopped caring who won. I loved KanDustin.

S10: What is "Underdogs' Law"?

The alliance of Erwin/Godwin, Lyn/Karlyn, and David/Mary was a strong one, but the editors saw fit to beat as many interviews of them saying "We know we have an alliance, but at some point, we're going to need to start running this race for ourselves" into our heads as possible. It got tiring to type out each time, so by the four thousandth, that sentiment was shortened to Underdogs' Law.

S11: Hmm, I'm not seeing any entries for the All-Star season. Where'd they go?

To a parallel universe in which I'd allow Eric and Baaaaaahstaaan Raaaaahb on my television again.

S12: Again with the nicknames!

The IBs: Shana and Jennifer. IBs is short for Interchangeable Blonds, of which Shana was IB#1, and Jennifer, IB#2. Thus named because they were both prime examples of those vapid, shallow, blond women that LA puts out by the truckload.
The Bickersons: Nathan and Jennifer. Thus named because they rarely stopped fighting, even when things were going well.
The Pinkies: Kynt and Vyxsin. Thus named because that's what Nicolas called them. The girly color showed up in most of their clothes, as well as Vyxsin's hair, so it was a much more fitting nickname than "The Goths" (which shows up a few times), as anything gothy about them seemed to be purely for show.

S13 and on: Are you even watching this show anymore?

Yup. I'm watching, but the recaps fell by the wayside because 1) It takes a lot longer to write them about this show than about any other. 2) It's starting to get a little bland, and 3) Have I mentioned that it takes longer? It does. A lot longer.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Who or what is OJ?

OJ is Jay Manuel. Why is he called that? You may take your pick from amongst the following reasons, all of which are perfectly valid: 1) To differentiate him from Miss J without having to resort to the laughable term "Mr. Jay", given that he's about as masculine as a Hannah Montana doll covered in glitter. 2) Like the juice, he's remarkably orange and processed. 3) Like the murderer, he's remarkably unlikable, and not very good at his job.

S1: These entries are out of chronological order, and really short!

The Season 1 episodes weren't written when the show was airing; they were done off of the DVDs. As with Season 7 of The Amazing Race (and Season 4 of Model), I didn't have a home computer, so the entries were written off notes and memories.

S1: Why do you refer to Shannon as Fucking Shannon?

Because I wanted to slap her 98% of the time.

S2, S3, and most of S4: Where are the entries for these seasons? I need my Yaya fix!

The blog was started after they aired. Maybe I'll be able to do them from DVD someday.

S5: Fugly Lisa? And what is a Nike?

Lisa got on my nerves for a large chunk of her season, so I referred to her as Fugly Lisa out of pure spite. I have to admit, though... That crazy bitch really grew on me. Nike is Nik. When typing quickly, I would always accidentally type "Nike" and have to go back and erase the extra letter. It happened so much that I just gave up, and let her be Nike for the rest of the season.

S5: The recaps kind of trickle off towards the end of the season. Why?

As with any reality show, once I stop giving a damn about who wins, I find it impossible to keep writing about it. Short version? Nicole undeservedly won, and promptly fell off the planet. The end.

S6 and S7: Wow, you really didn't put much effort into these, did you?

I guess not. I went through a patch of not liking this show as much as I used to, and couldn't make myself keep up with it.

S8: Something bad happened to Tokyo? You'd think I'd have heard about it on the news.

Well, I suppose I am partial to exaggeration. We all know that Tyra is wont to do something terrible to at least one girl's hair, come makeover day. This season, it was poor Brittany, who was given the most inexplicable hair-don't ever seen on this show: a ratty, red weave that lay atop her head like a dead raccoon. But it wasn't content to just sit there and be ugly; it set about taking over her entire head, attacking her follicles like Godzilla crushing a certain Japanese city. Though it was finally vanquished, it did enough damage to become known as The Weave That Destroyed Tokyo.

S8: How happy are you that Natasha didn't win?

Dude, words can't even express it.

S9: Hey, where are the recaps?

Yeah, I wasn't feeling the ninth season. I'm all for sticking to a formula that works, but by this point, the girls, challenges, photos, and fights were all pretty much a carbon copy of those in earlier seasons. Plus, it was on against Pushing Daisies, which rocks.

S10: More short-ass recaps! Have you abandoned Tyra entirely?

I used to be able to handle a couple of shows concurrently, but not anymore. Forced to choose between a season of Top Model that was...exactly like all the other ones, and a much more interesting Top Chef, I went with the latter. Besides, does Dominique really deserve that much internet ink?

S11 and on: See that Amazing Race question? That. Are you even watching this show anymore?

No.

PROJECT RUNWAY

S1: No entries? Wah!

Nope, the blog was started after it aired. The DVDs are on my Netflix queue, though.

S2: Why did you call Daniel V. "Danzzz"?

Well, there were two Daniels, so to differentiate between them, one became Danzzz because he was really boring. Of course, he wound up being not boring at all, and made some awesome clothes before soaring to take second place, but by then, the name was set.

S3: Wait, did I just see a poseur whose design aesthetic could best be summed up as Gutter Orphan win the season? What the hell is up with that?

Your guess is as good as mine.

S4: No entires? Double wah!

The fourth season premiered after The Amazing Race had already started. I only had the time and inclination to handle one show, so I went with the race, which was far superior to this snooze of a season.

S5: So...that season happened.

It sure did.

S6: Did you even watch this season?

"Watch" is a strong word for something so boring. I'm kind of over this show, but if you want to read excellent reviews of it, check out Project Rungay.

TOP CHEF

S1: Why is all of the hostess' speech written weirdly and in all-caps?

Because that's how androids speak. Katie Lee Joel (or KatieBot) seems to be a wholly inoffensive person, but couldn't read her lines for shit. Apparently, the show agreed, because she was banished after the first season.

Why do you call Tom "Ptom"?

Head judge Tom Collichio has had an extremely checkered past on this blog. I waver back and forth on him constantly. There have been times when I've felt, shall we say... Less than pleased with the way he judges. He's been known to intentionally stir up trouble between contestants, create impossible Catch-22s, use ancillary information to make unfair judgments, praise some chefs for the same behavior he condemns in others, and seems to care more about what I call the Dogma of Cooking than about the food itself. There are times I think he's gotten better, but for the most part, he's a terrible judge, and somewhat like that unpleasant uncle you hope doesn't show up to Thanksgiving this year. Since I often feel like spitting (*ptooey*) every time I see him, he became Ptom.

I see the phrase "Tally mark!" a lot. What's that?

I don't know when or why I started doing it, but I noticed that a lot of Top Chef contestants like to speak in cliches, so I began to make a tally mark every time they spewed something trite. It can get up to impressive numbers.

What is the Standard Speech?

Ever notice how whenever a Top Chef contestant wins a challenge, it seems to be required by law that they give an interview along the lines of "I may have won/gotten immunity, but I can't rest on my laurels/can't let my guard down/intend to kick ass in the upcoming challenges anyway"? Hey, me too! Once this kind of interview became frequent, I decided it wasn't worth typing out each time, and decided to just refer to this sentiment as the Standard Speech.

S2: How come...

We do not speak of Season 2 around here.

S2: But...

Here's all you need to know. The producers screwed up the casting, and after a few episodes had passed, all the contestants who were left were assholes. Oh, there was a redeeming feature here or there, but the majority of the season had nothing to do with food. Rather, it was a parade of endless bullying, whining, passive-aggressive bitching, and violence. At the end, the worst of the douchebags emerged victorious. The whole enterprise was a giant black hole of suck.

S3: Why does Joey hail from a different city every time you mention him?

At the beginning of the season, Joey was one of those tiresome people who has to filter absolutely everything through the lens of being from New York. He'd say things like "[So-and-so's] pork was dry, which you'd never be able to get away with in New York," like those of us in the rest of the country adore dried-out pork. It pissed me off, so I began assigning him to every city but his own. And mine.

S3: Who is Saram? Saran?

Since there were two women named Sara competing, the first letter of their last names was attached to "Sara" to help differentiate who I was talking about.

S4: This season had a subtitle?

It may as well have. Namely: "Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!" An astounding number of contestants decided that if the challenge rules called for something outside their narrow expertise, it'd be a good idea to just ignore the parameters they were given. Then they'd turn around and act surprised and wounded when the judges called them on it at Judges' Table. It happened so often, it became a sort of theme for the season.

S5: Wha happa?

Sorry about that. Season 5 was a good one, but as is often the case, real life intrudes at the most inconvenient times. I got hit with a lot of job and family responsibilities, none of them cheery, and all at the same time. So, there was no more time to devote to things like scenes of Stefan being kind of snooty. The upshot is that Carla continued being awesomely awesome, becoming my favorite contestant to date. She shot herself in the foot in the finals, and took third place. That brought it down to Stefan and Hosea, with Hosea becoming perhaps the blandest winner ever.

S6: Why do you call Jen "Jenc"?

At the beginning of the season, there were two Jennifers. As with the Saram/Saran thing, I dubbed Jennifer Z. "Jenz" and Jennifer C. "Jenc". I stuck with the "Jenc" label even after Jenz was eliminated.

S6: What is "Top Chef 6 - DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH"?

That's the subtitle I gave the season. It earned this dubious distinction after its participants, both on the contestant and the judging side, spouted a ton of incredibly obvious thoughts and observations. I realize they need to fill airtime, but there are only so many lines like "The chefs that make the least amount of mistakes will have an advantage," or "Either this will work out, or it won't," that I can let pass without mockery.

S6: Who are the Golden Children?

That would be Kevin, Jenc, Bryan, and Michael, who won each and every Elimination Challenge. The judges loved all of them, to the point that the other competitors need not have even signed up.

S7: So, what was the theme this season?

You mean besides its aggressive mediocrity? Pea puree.

S8: Who is Dalel? Dalet?

See above regarding Saram/Saran.

TOP CHEF - JUST DESSERTS

S1: Who is Heatherc? Heatherh?

You should really have this naming system down by now. See above regarding Saram/Saran.

S1: Who the hell is Gidget?

Yigit. His flippantly condescending attitude was eerily similar to Gretchen Weiners' from Mean Girls, and the two names were fused.