Rosie the Sniveler

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs attempted to dislodge the marbles in Dr. John's mouth with some custom hot sauce. Brian was on fire (in the good way), and snagged immunity for the boucherie Elimination Challenge. During that hog prep, Justin's meat was on fire (in the bad way), and his day wasn't helped by Nina telling him that he should suck a different kind of sausage. He groused about going to Losers' table for his tacos, while Carlos' tacos won the day. Stephanie avoided being eaten by a gator, but Louis could not avoid the elimination chop. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

There is no Quickfire tonight, and while there's a perfectly valid reason for that, am I right in thinking that a lot of Quickfires have gone missing this season? We've gone straight to the Elimination Challenge in a full third of the episodes so far. Odd. I wonder what the deal is, there. Anyhow, Padma explains to the chefs that there is no Quickfire, and they easily guess that it's time for...Restaurant Wars! Also known as...The Challenge That Everyone Except Me Breathlessly Awaits! Not that I hate it or anything, but I get way more excited for challenges like the mise en place relay race. Here's a few reasons why I'm bemused by Restaurant Wars' popularity, and also a humbling reminder that my predictive powers are not always firing on all cylinders. The chefs pull knives to determine their teams, and they wind up being:

Green Team: Sara, Nina, Carlos, Shirley, and Justin
Purple Team: Stephanie, Nicholas, Carrie, Travis, and Brian

Oof. Even a casual glance should tell you that based on challenge wins, we're looking at a severe imbalance here. Of the eight elimination challenges so far, members of the Green team have won six of them (Purple has scored three - the math being weird because Travis and Carlos shared a win). Normally, that might suggest a massacre on the scale of Season 4 is about to take place, but this time, I'm not so sure. First of all, the talent level this year seems to be more equitable. Sure, Nina is a force to be reckoned with, but we've seen plenty of good things out of Carrie and Stephanie, too. Also, and how to put this delicately? This season has been remarkably convivial, with everyone except Michael pretty much getting along and respecting each other. The people that have shown flashes of pissiness, however, are all on the Green team. Challenge wins aside, if an ego clash is coming, it's pretty clearly going to be in the Green kitchen. So maybe this will be more of an even match than we'd initially guess. Let's find out!

As usual, the chefs will have one day to put everything together. The teams go into huddles to discuss strategy. It's always interesting to see how people handle the decision over who should take front-of-house duties. Normally, it's taken on reluctantly by someone who doesn't really want to do it (or in Spike's case, taken on in order to avoid responsibility). This season, however, both Sara and Travis volunteer, and both appear to have genuine aspirations of doing a good job. That dispensed with, the Purple team decides they will be doing a seafood-based menu, and that Nicholas will act as head chef. The Green team head chef duties fall to Justin, and the team decides on a "Modern American" menu, which as we all know by now, means "cook whatever the hell you want". Carlos grouses that the team is more interested in talking about decor than in planning a menu, and yeah, that's ridiculous, "Modern American" or not. I'm kind of gobsmacked that these people think matching plates and tablecloths is more important than talking about what they're going to cook. They don't even have it settled by the time they go shopping. That is so dumb.

The restaurant space will be split into two rooms, and for the first time, there aren't even kitchens. They have to set up temporary cooking implements behind a curtain, which is...odd. Lack of a cohesive menu starts to bite the Green team in the ass, like, DUUUUUUUUUUUH. Sara takes her Rosie the Riveter look into a "We Can Do It!" attitude, except her version of it is passive-aggressively suggesting that they all discuss things in a calm, rational manner before running away so nobody can respond. As cooking prep gets started, the cracks widen. Justin snipes at the other Green team members, and Nina snipes right back. The biggest problem the Purple team is facing right now is that Brian bought xanthan gum instead of agar agar, so his corn gel is going to be stiffer than Tracy Turnblad's hair.

Prep ends, and service begins. It immediately becomes apparent that there is, indeed, a blowout in progress. It's just not the one they initially thought it was going to be. Everything is humming along nicely at "Fin", the Purple team's restaurant. Travis is handling his front-of-house duties with aplomb, and their menu is balanced and gets a lot of appreciative compliments. Stephanie's linguini with caviar, oyster cream, and fennel looks incredible in particular, though I'd replace the fennel with something else. I'm getting a little sick of it. Over at the Green team's restaurant (feel free to snicker over them naming it "Found" - the judges and I certainly did), they may as well have literal headless chickens running around. Sara's service is wretched, and the kitchen keeps fucking up tickets so that only half a table's orders are going out. In the funniest bit, Sara dumps food in front of the judges with a tight rictus grin, and walks away without bothering to explain a word about what's being served. The dishes aren't terribly successful, either. Justin's rabbit dish is dry and Sara's nectarine brown-butter cake is described as a greasy cookie. Shirley's olive-oil poached cobia looks good, though, and Nina makes a pork dish that garners her usual praise.

Fret 'n sweat. We've seen both teams in action and have an edited encapsulation to understand how lopsided this challenge turned out to be, but the chefs have no such clarity, so everyone is anxious. When Padma calls the Purple team in to Judges' Table, they have no idea how they did. Their relief at being told they are winning team is so palpable it leaks out of James' TV. Brian's corn gel wasn't great, and Carrie's shrimp dish was a bit greasy, but that's about it for complaints. Travis' service was far and away the best in any Restaurant Wars to date, and Nicholas not only steered his team well, but made a delightful black drum and oxtail dish as well. That's enough to bring him the win, and he's overjoyed to finally have one under his belt. Losers' Table. We don't even need to bother with Nina, Carlos, or Shirley, because it's obvious that they're safe. This decision all comes down to terrible food and terrible management, both in the kitchen and in the dining room.

Justin is once again huffy at any criticism leveled against him, be it fair or unfair. Sara is once again compliant and apologetic on the surface, but with an obvious sneer underneath. Justin had no leadership skills and his rabbit dish was disappointing. Sara's service was appalling, and her cake was terrible. Even if Justin didn't strike me as a more likely overall contender (and thus, a more attractive prospect for the producers to keep), at least a portion of his problems can be blamed on the chaos that Sara's inept dining room management caused. So it's not too much of a surprise when Sara is told to pack her knives and go. She attempts to be stoic and placid, but is not great at masking her feelings about how shitty she thinks this elimination was. Eh. Seemed fair to me.

Overall Grade: B-

World War Chew

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 9

It's time to decide the finalists, so let's be sure to pour on the emotion! Calls home! Orlando's mom had to come to terms with his sexuality! Chris' daughter has a heart condition! Matt misses his wife! Sally comes from an immigrant family!

That dispensed with, Gail is joined in the Kitchen by Suzanne Goin for no reason, as there is no Quickfire tonight. But hell, I like Suzanne Goin, so sure, let's have her along for this announcement. Instead of a Quickfire, the chefs will have an extended Elimination Challenge. There are several nations' flags offered, and the chefs each pick one:

Chris: France
Orlando: Spain
Matt: Italy
Sally: Cuba

Now, the twist. The chefs have to make a dessert dish...that looks like a savory dish from the country they chose. Ouch. Sometimes, the twists and turns of the challenges can be a little silly, but this one is devious without being stupid or unmanageable. I like it! Matthew is sitting pretty, as he creates "manicotti" without much trouble. Orlando hits upon "paella", but doesn't think to do a rice pudding, which is odd to me. Sally dithers and second-guesses herself until she's forced to settle on making a "Cuban sandwich".

And Chris? Chris chooses "Beef Wellington", which Johnny notes is rather more English than French. The judges then bend over backwards to excuse him for it, and overlook him using store-bought puff pastry instead of making his own. Ladies and gentleman, our ordained season winner!

A large assortment of Names judges the challenge, with special guest judge Cat Cora, who looks fantastic all gussied up for the camera and not in her usual stressed-out-frantic-cooking mode. Matthew smirks to the camera that his wife better not find out about his secret crush on Cora, wink-wink. Um, Matt? Even if you were single, I don't think she'd be interested.

When it comes to judging, Sally's looks far-and-away most like her inspiration food, and she takes a much-deserved win.



With Chris automatically safe because we all know he's going to win the competition now, that leaves it between Matthew, whose "manicotti" was too safe, and Orlando, whose "paella" was kind of a mess. Lo and behold, Orlando's persnickety attitude can't keep him afloat any longer, and he's set adrift. So, we're down to our final three. Well, we're actually down to our winner, but we should probably let them have their finale anyway, right?

Overall Grade: B-

Love/Hate Relationships

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 9

Previously on Just Desserts: Morgan shattered Gidget's sugar vase. And dreams. Zac won, Gidget struggled, and my hopes were dashed like so many fragile sugar vases as the lovely Eric was eliminated. Four chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Two points to get to before we dive in. First, as I said in the short blurb about this episode, a great deal of time is devoted to four whiny people making themselves as unpleasant as possible. That's not super-fun to revisit, so I'm going to gloss over a lot of the "Shut up!" "No, you shut up!" "You're dumb!" "Well, so's your face!" segments. Secondly, I may be a bit behind in converting the blurb to this full recap. Say, about nine months late. Want to know what the summer of 2011 is like? It's hot. Shall we?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Gidget beats himself up for not performing well enough in the last challenge. He wants to become the first gay, San Franciscan chef to win a season in this franchise. It'd be nice if he put some of that energy into being less of a Mean Girl, but one step at a time, I guess. Morgan is sick to death of being trapped with the other chefs. I was all ready to point out that his personality is also far from sparkling, but then tried to envision what it would be like to share a household with Seth, Zac, and Gidget. I guess I'd be grumpy, too.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by a towering pile of Godiva chocolate boxes and this week's guest judge, Francois Payard. He used to be Morgan's boss, which makes Morgan nervous for what is probably a dozen good reasons. Zac tries out a weak pun about Francois being "a tough cookie". Wait... I cannot believe I just gave someone shit about weak puns after the post titles I've come up with. My apologies, Zac. Gail tells the chefs that for today's Quickfire, they'll need to tell their life stories via four chocolates, one of which will need to represent a cherished moment in each chef's history - a "Golden Moment". The winning chef gets one of the chocolates tweaked and reworked by Godiva to be sold nationwide. Huh. I'm not sure "Have your work about a cherished memory redone to suit the general public, and then be given no credit for it" is a stellar prize, but the chefs seem happy, so I won't step on their joy.

Gail starts the two-hour countdown. The chefs scatter, knocking dishes all over the floor. Zac and Gidget explain to us about how truffles and bonbons are usually a time-consuming process, so trying to get them done in two hours is a big challenge. I don't doubt it. Gidget begins emulsifying his ganaches, which I'm totally going to start using as a euphemism for something, though I'm not sure what yet. Morgan works on a bittersweet ganache to symbolize his failed marriage. Won't that make a lovely Valentine's Day gift for your sweetie? Danielle works on a baseball shape/theme to symbolize the bond between her and her father. Aw, that's nice. The "Golden Moment" chocolates rely heavily on relationships, as Morgan's revolves around his son, and Gidget's around his boyfriend. Thumbs up to Gidget on that boyfriend by the way. Nicely done. Zac's combines his parents' favorite flavors, while Danielle breaks with the relationship theme to make a chocolate to symbolize the day she opened her business.

Zac takes a few moments (in smarmerview) to insult Danielle's food, personality, and looks. What a gem. And I'm sorry, but nobody who puts that amount of gel in his hair in a desperate (and futile) attempt to hide that fact that he'll be bald in five years gets to rail on someone for their looks. Morgan crabs about Zac having the piping bags under his station, where they are sitting in full view, and threatens (in smarmerview) to throw all his chocolates in the trash. Can you see why it's taken me nine months to come back to this episode? And we're not even through the Quickfire! With the possible exception of Danielle, all of these chefs are fairly wretched people. Surely, there are more people like Eric, Erika, and Tim out there, yes? Pastry chefs aren't all douchenozzles, are they? Anyway, in the final minutes, Gidget shatters one of his chocolate molds, and unsuccessfully tries to recreate it. When time runs out, he's one chocolate short.

Gail and Francois go down the line. Zac's chocolates are all about friends and family. Yeah, I would bet that numbers at about four. He has a milk chocolate truffle with wild blueberry and peanut butter. Hmm. I like all those flavors, but can't really tell if they'd work together. His best friend is represented by a green tea/lemon truffle. A white chocolate truffle with lemongrass/lime/ginger represents his other best friend. Now that sounds tasty. Francois disagrees, calling the two best friend truffles "flat". I guess that would describe anyone who'd willingly hang out with Zac. His Golden Moment truffle is the aforementioned combination of his parents' favorites: dark chocolate and pretzels.

Danielle's first truffle symbolizes family vacations to Hawaii, incorporating pineapple and coconut. DRINK! A niece's birthday is symbolized by milk chocolate with a roasted banana filling. Yes, please. That'll do nicely for Limecrete's Pick of the Week. The baseball truffle uses caramel corn and peanuts. And the Golden Moment chocolate is a Rocky Road, with almond, marshmallow, and nougat. Morgan's box of chocolates is far and away the most beautiful, visually. His decision to go to culinary school is represented by a passion fruit and milk chocolate bonbon. His marriage is an acai rose-water jelly on top of bittersweet chocolate ganache. His Top Chef experience is represented by a mendiant with a Rocher filling. Oh, if they're symbolic of him on Top Chef, it must be made of condescension with a creamy, arrogance filling. Oh, I guess not. His "Golden Moment" is the birth of his son, represented by a green tea with a white chocolate/butter ganache.

Gidget, as mentioned, only has three chocolates. Presenting less than the required amount isn't "helping [his] ego," which as we all know, is the at the center of everything Gidget says, thinks, or does. His move from Turkey to America is symbolized by a dark chocolate ganache with apricot pates de fruits (essentially a gummy, candied fruit). His Buddhism (Side note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I didn't realize Buddhists generally walked around acting like the embodiment of every high school cheerleader cliche out there) is represented by coconut milk and chai tea. His "Golden Moment" chocolate to symbolize his boyfriend is an almond praline with caramelized honey ganache.

Results. Naturally, Gidget falls to the bottom for not completing the challenge. Fellow Plastic Zac soon joins him there, as all of his chocolates were overly sweet, and there was no balance. Now, to the top two. Danielle had interesting ideas, and interesting flavors to go with them. Morgan's chocolates were extremely beautiful, even if the green tea one was too sweet for Francois' tastes. Even with that working against him, Morgan wins the challenge. He's curiously blase about his win, which Danielle notes. Maybe he's stewing over the fact that his son-inspired candy was the least successful. Anyhow, Francois selects the mendient chocolate as the one to be sold nationally, opting to sprinkle a little salt on top to finish it.

Elimination Challenge. A sweet old man named Ben shuffles in, and explains to the chefs that he and his wife will soon be celebrating their 61st anniversary. Gail tells them that they'll each be making an anniversary cake for the happy couple, which will be judged on appearance, and of course, flavor. The cake, that is. Not the couple. Ben relays as naughty a meeting story as sixty-three years ago gets, saying that he met his wife at a beach party and went swimming with her. Ooh, saucy! I'll bet he even saw her ankles! Naughty minx. They were married two years later. Aw. The chefs head off for thirty minutes of shopping with a $200 budget. Danielle complains about Morgan's overconfidence, and not without reason.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs have ten hours of prep time, and will have two hours tomorrow to finish up. Zac is nervous, not only because getting a spot in the final three rests on this challenge (understandable), but because this isn't his type of challenge (not understandable). I mean, come on. "I'm going to totally PWN this dessert competition! As long as they don't ask me to make a basic cake!" I still don't understand how someone who made an almost wearable dress out of chocolate gets completely stymied by something almost any of us could do with a week's practice and a decent stand mixer. Gail enters, and tells the chefs they get to spend some time with Ben and his wife to glean some inspiration. And who does Ben's wife turn out to be? Sylvia Weinstock. Ooh, this will add some pressure. Good challenge idea. Sylvia offers some history to help the chefs out, such as the colors of her wedding dress and bouquet, the time she and Ben spent smooching under a piano (heh), and the flavors they prefer. Much like me, she's a lemon baby.

Once Ben and Sylvia leave, the chefs begin their prep in earnest. Morgan crabs about Zac, who earlier crabbed about Danielle, who earlier crabbed about Morgan, who was earlier crabbed about by Gidget. In case you've forgotten, the theme of this episode is deep, loving, respectful relationships. Danielle makes a gray icing to represent Sylvia's gray wedding dress, and hopes to incorporate pink flowers as well. Zac wants to cement two cakes together with passion fruit ice cream. He and Gidget share some Plastic gossip, before Johnny stops by to Ptimewaste. Zac promises to tone down his normal level of campy kitsch for this cake, while Morgan hopes to have learned a lesson from Sylvia's critiques of his wedding cake. Johnny worries that Gidget's cake will be too fussy and complicated, and that Danielle has to rise above her normal fair-to-middling challenge placement to earn a spot in the finale.

Zac completes his bottom layer, and to his credit, realizes that it does not look good. It's an odd shade of blue, and what appears to be an attempt at stripes has gone all wonky and uneven. He sighs that he'll just have to go for broke on the other sections of the cake. A stupid spat breaks out when Morgan hoards the piping bags (well, sort of -- again, they're in full view under his station), and explains that he's just getting Zac back for hoarding them earlier, because he is nine. It's actually Danielle who takes him to task for it, and although she's got at least a dozen valid points to attack him on, she just settles for sneering at him and telling him to shut up. Happy anniversary, Ben and Sylvia!

Time winds down, and the chefs store their cakes for transport. The next day, they're driven out to a mansion's backyard where the party has been set up. As mentioned, they've got two hours to finish their cakes, and Morgan brags that he only needs a quarter of that, settling down for a nice, quiet think about how awesome he is afterwards. Gidget snarks in interview that maybe Morgan should be checking his cake over for areas of improvement, because it looks awfully simple, and for once, I'm with him. It's pretty basic. Zac realizes that he's incapable of making something classy and restrained, and decides to just go full Valley of the Dolls all over his cake. Out comes the disco dust, and he turns what started out as an ugly cake into a SPECTACULARLY ugly cake.

The party begins, and the cakes are presented. Gail leads the judges, hosts, and the couple of the hour down the line. Morgan's cake is a simple, circular, white tiered cake with some piping and a piano on top. The top tier is lemon and raspberry panna cotta, and the bottom is a dark chocolate sponge cake with ganache. Tasting. Everyone has positive things to report. Sylvia enjoyed both tiers, and his presentation is lauded. Danielle's cake is battleship gray accented with pink roses, and is accented with decoration to emulate piano keys. It's finished off with Ben and Sylvia's monogram in gold lettering. The cake itself is chocolate, with sour cherry compote and Greek yogurt ice cream. Spew. The judges disagree. They love the flavor, even if they find the gray icing a bit odd. Zac's cake... What to say about Zac's cake... Well, they say a picture's worth a thousand words, but in this case, I'd say we could squeeze out about double that:

This tower of shit would be out of place at a kid's birthday party, nevermind an anniversary party attended by actual adults. The lady who runs Cakewrecks would look and this and say "That's it. The blog can end now. We have a winner." I mean, listen. I know the challenges are tough, the time constraints are a killer, and by this point in the competition, everyone has gone stark raving mad (except Seth, whose starting point was stark raving mad). But I'm hard pressed to look at that thing and think of how Zac could have fucked it up more. He makes up some twaddle about how the blue icing symbolizes the water, and the black and white circles, a piano. The judges do their best not to double over in hysterical laughter right there at the table.

I suppose I should mention what the cake is made of, though it hardly seems to matter. The top tier is dark chocolate and fresh raspberry, while the bottom tier is lemon sponge cake with raspberry jam. That actually sounds fairly good, though I'm not sure I'd enjoy the passion fruit ice cream cementing the layers together. Tasting. The judges naturally hate the presentation, but find some nice things to say about some of the flavor components, though Francois notes a nasty aftertaste of burnt cocoa powder. By contrast, Gidget's cake appears quite lovely. It's a pleasant shade of pale yellow, with piano keys on the side, and a vibrant pink flower decoration on top. The top layer is almond cake with chocolate mousse. The bottom layer is sponge cake with lemon cream. That all sounds great. Unfortunately, as Gidget cuts into the cake to serve the judges a slice, it kind of disintegrates. Tasting. It turns out that the subtitles have woefully under-described the cake, and Gidget has thrown all sorts of bells and whistles into the mix that compete and fight each other. The judges aren't too pleased with it, finding it a bit of an overcomplicated mess.

The party winds down, and the chefs taste each others' cakes. Gidget compliments Danielle's. Danielle interviews that she feels pretty good about this challenge, and is grateful that they're judged anew each episode, because no matter how close she's come to elimination before, as long as she hasn't made the ugliest cake the judges have ever seen this time around (I'll leave you to intuit the image they flash on the screen at this point), she should be safe. Zac interviews that he knows he didn't put out a good product, but thinks he should get to the finale over Morgan anyway, based on pure gumption and risk-taking. In other words, we're already back to the remarkable attitude I mentioned in the last episode: "I really messed up, but feel that there should be zero consequence." I'm continually gobsmacked by this theory that taking a risk should automatically carry with it the reward for the risk being successful. That's not really what a risk is. Sometimes you achieve something great. And sometimes you make the ugliest cake in history. Life isn't the second-grade science fair, kids. You don't get a blue ribbon just for participating.

Interstitial. Morgan tells us that he's always the last chef to leave the apartment in the morning. Fascinating. Do they really think these little scenes stop people from blowing by with their DVRs? Hell, what do I know? Maybe they do.

Judges' Table. In the fret 'n sweat, Morgan makes a tortured analogy about how the Top Chef experience is like climbing a mountain. The chefs share a brief moment of commiseration before going out to face the judges. Zac's arms are already crossed defensively. Gail reminds us that the challenge winner will receive $15,000 and a guaranteed spot in the finale. Not bad for a layer cake. Danielle's cake was imaginative, and had spot-on flavor. The worst thing they can find to say about it was that the gray icing was an odd choice. Gidget wanted to tell a story with his cake, but in adding so much detail, he made it overcomplicated. His flavored buttercream was nice, though, as was his elegant presentation.

Morgan's presentation was classically simple, though Francois thinks the panna cotta needed some acidity, Hubert thinks the chocolate layer was a bit dry, and Johnny says his shell border was uneven. Man, they are just killing him on the details. Zac admits to struggling with this challenge, saying that "Sylvia is a force to be reckoned with." I guess it's her fault that his cake looked like Beach Blanket Bingo exploded all over it. Hubert did like that the cake was moist, but that's about all the praise it gets. Zac, perhaps having realized that "I should be rewarded for taking a risk that didn't work out," isn't enough of an argument, reaches for the only thing he can think of to save himself, and sinks to an even weirder and more off-putting defense.

See if you can follow this one: Zac feels that because he is more emotional and effusive, he deserves a spot in the finale more than Morgan does. You see, because Morgan doesn't fall all over himself weeping and rending his clothing every time he wins a challenge, that must mean he doesn't care about the competition, and thus, should be eliminated. Morgan, his voice shaking with fury, responds with both barrels. He says it's not in his character to jump up and down and flail around singing showtunes like a little girl when he's happy or excited. That statement can certainly be read as an upsettingly homophobic attack, and while I'm trying to get offended on Zac's behalf, I just can't get there. If Morgan had said the same thing out of the blue, I'd be apoplectic, but Zac had that coming. He just impugned Morgan's character in an effort to distract from his own shitty work, and to me, that's a bigger character flaw than shining a spotlight on a bully's biggest insecurity. Sorry to all my homo brethren for that, but being oppressed doesn't give us the right to be raging assholes for no reason.

Gail nods and somewhat hilariously squeaks out "Okay..." before dismissing the chefs. Back in the Kitchen, Zac decides to cover himself in even more glory by sheepishly telling Morgan that attacking his character was "personality, not personal". Dude, if you're going to be such a nasty person, you may as well own it. Stop trying to pretend like your vicious attack was just a show for the judges, and lets-all-go-grab-a-cup-of-coffee-and-laugh-about-it. Morgan says it better than I could in interview: "Yeah, it is personality. And yours sucks. Go buy a new one." Deliberations. Zac's presentation sucked, and the flavor didn't do much to save it. Morgan's cake was a bit too simple and bland, though it was appropriate to the occasion. Danielle's cake was great, though the judges harp on the icing color again. Gidget's cake was lovely on the outside and a convoluted mess on the inside. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Johnny congratulates all four of the chefs, and pretends that they're wonderful people who make him proud to be a pastry chef. Really? They generally strike me as egocentric children who make me want to run away screaming. Francois gets to announce the challenge winner, who turns out to be... Danielle. Despite their earlier carping, Morgan immediately reaches out to give her a hug. Zac and Gidget applaud her. In an eerie callback to Morgan's tirade about jumping up and down like a girl, she...jumps up and down. She's ecstatic with her win and her spot in the finale. After she's dismissed, the judges address the other chefs. Morgan played it safe, Zac put too much of his own personality into his cake (heh), and Gidget needs restraint. We go over to Gail for the chop. Zac. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. Whee!

Final interview. Zac isn't surprised by his elimination, though he makes sure to sneak in a crack about Morgan's rubbery cake. He tells us that he can't wait to see what comes after this in his career. Hey, as long as whatever he does next isn't on my television screen, I wish him all the best. As it is, after that cake and that "professionalism", this elimination is so satisfying, I may need to take up smoking.

Overall Grade: C+

Eating Crow

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: Global cuisine! Brazil apparently has the most difficult food on the planet. Alex's popularity plummeted. Tiffany swept the episode's challenges, while Stephen just got swept. Out the door. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. I brought some very nice cheese, but was completely overshadowed by LabRat, who brought a huge honking cantaloupe that he grew in the back garden. Jerk. I'll have to console myself with Drinking Game Rule #9: Take a drink whenever someone claims not to care that other people don't like them. If they mention the magical phrase "not here to make friends," chug the whole thing.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Amanda wakes up with her pirate pants pajamas, and laments that her buddy Stephen got eliminated. Kenny wakes up with his Jupiter-sized ego, and whines that he can't understand why the judges are suddenly no longer interested in falling all over themselves to pat him on the back. My certainty that this wad is going to win the season weighs heavily on my soul.

Quickfire Challenge. It appears as though Episode 9 of this season will be a complete redo of Episode 9 of last season. Normally, I'd be grumpy about this, but I heartily enjoy the tag team challenge. Each team member gets ten minutes to cook, and although immunity is not up for grabs, a ten-thousand-dollar prize is. As in last season, the chefs draw knives to select team captains. Kevin winds up getting first choice, while Ed gets second. The teams shake out to be:

Blue: Kevin, Kenny, Kelly, and Amanda
Red: Ed, Tiffany, Angelo, and Alex

Ed has mixed feelings. He got to scoop up his crush, but had to take his least favorite person as well. Alex interviews that being chosen last doesn't matter to him. I'll count that as a "not caring what people think," so DRINK! Padma gives the chefs forty-five seconds to decide the order in which they'll cook. The first-position chefs take their marks, and everyone else slips on the blindfolds. Ready? Go!

Kenny versus Tiffany. Kenny brags about himself, because if his ego isn't stroked every twenty seconds... I don't know, Mount Vesuvius will erupt or something. Tiffany is being as strategic as she can. She gets pans heating so the others won't have to wait. She leaves the head on the snapper she's prepping so her teammates will know right off the bat what they're cooking. Smart! Kenny works on a mustard sauce and gets some prawns ready to cook. The whistle blows, and Amanda and Alex leap into the fray. Here's another echo of last season, in which the chefs the rest of the team deemed the most useless are put into second-position, so they're neither choosing the ingredients, nor responsible for the final product. Amanda picks up Kenny's brainwave, and runs to blanch some pasta, which is exactly what he envisioned. All Alex is shown doing is sprinkling salt on the fish, which causes Tiffany's face to contort in horror.

When the whistle goes off, Kevin and Ed come in as third-position. Tiffany asks Alex if he seasoned the fish, and when he affirms that he did, she takes the gentlest tack possible in calling him a moron, hoping that Ed will be able to see the salt that is pretty much invisible against the white skin of the snapper. Kevin doesn't have much to do but some grunt work, and tears through it. The whistle blows. As Angelo interviews that his team station is a giant wreck that looks like a Tasmanian devil blew through, he runs around, grabs some salt, and throws a big fistful onto the fish. People who live in glass Tasmanian devil houses... Alex is upset, I guess because he was hoping the salt already on the fish would glow an unearthly shade of green so that Angelo could see it. Meanwhile, the steady flow of the blue team continues, as Kelly is easily able to see what the others were going for. She sears the prawn and gets everything else ready in a snap. Angelo figures out the fish is too salty, and throws in some cilantro to try and counterbalance it. Time runs out.

Padma introduces the guest judge who will cast the deciding vote on which team's dish is better: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The chefs are blown away. Nancy says she's delighted to be there. Well, sure. It must be nice to cast a vote that doesn't bring on a maelstrom of criticism from conservative cable news networks. Kevin explains the blue team's dish. It's sauteed shrimp with angel hair pasta, a mustard sauce, marinated tomatoes, and crispy basil. One of these days I'm going to nail down what chefs think the difference between prawn and shrimp is, if any. On this show at least, they use the terms interchangeably. Nancy likes the al dente pasta and the homey (meaning Californian) feel of the shrimp. Ed presents the red team's dish. It's roasted red snapper in aromatic broth, with wilted greens and some maitake mushrooms. Nancy finds it tasty and wholesome, but the cilantro didn't do its job, and she immediately picks up on the oversalting. Tiffany grouses about Alex in interview. Yep, he pretty much screwed them. Nancy pretends she's got a difficult choice before awarding the win to Kevin's team.

Limecrete: "Well, of course she'd pick blue over red."

The blue team is excited. Amanda is happy to have won her first challenge. I'd be a little less excited if the only way I could achieve a win is to have three other people helping me out, but who am I to stand in the way of her joy? Padma thanks Nancy for the judging help, and Nancy wishes everyone luck on her way out. Alex's popularity among the other chefs plummets some more.

Elimination Challenge. I wouldn't be calling this episode a carbon copy of last season if the Elimination Challenge wasn't the same as well. It's time for the traditional Restaurant Wars, and every season, I must disclose the fact that I don't enjoy this challenge as much as the rest of the viewing audience seems to. It strikes me that people are asked to do things they wouldn't necessarily have to do as a chef, and that competitors are often both rewarded and punished for things that aren't their doing. Some are better than others, though, so let's see how this one goes. Kenny feeds his ego again. The chefs will remain in the same teams, and will be taking over a pre-existing restaurant. Hooray! No footage of people buying tablecloths and hanging paper lanterns! The teams will present three-course menus, with two options for each course. Everyone is responsible for at least one dish. The red team isn't happy to have Alex the Anchor weighing them down, especially when they learn that former New York Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni will be guest judging.

I'm skipping a pointless shill segment, and moving right into shopping. Ed and Angelo discuss minimizing Alex's role as much as possible. It goes without saying that they're going to stick him in front-of-house. Kevin overhears this from the backseat, and crabs that people in a team should all work together. It's easy to say that when you're satisfied with all of your teammates. I'm curious to know how he'd handle having Alex on his side, given his previous comments about him. Team members arrive at Whole Foods and the restaurant supply store, and try to synchronize their shopping lists. The red team is spazzing over their ingredients, and Kenny and Amanda watch from the side, grateful to be on the blue team.

Back in the Kitchen, the teams have two hours to prep. Angelo says that the red team's roles just naturally fell into place. If by "naturally" he means "announced authoritatively that he would be head chef and assigned duties to everyone else", then sure. He tells Alex to butcher the meat. Dishes are explained, but I'm going to ignore the menus until we get to the actual meal. Well, except to say that the red team is hilariously working on a pea puree. I really should have made that goo part of the drinking game. Kelly will be front-of-house for the blue team, and works on a cold soup and dessert so she won't be torn between kitchen duties and dining room duties. I like the methodical way she thinks. Prepare yourself for a shock. Kenny will be assuming the executive chef role for the blue team. Meanwhile, Alex is doing a wretched job of butchering the meat, which is his sole responsibility. Angelo loses his patience, and takes over. Alex retreats to prep Tiffany's fish, while Tiffany frets about how organized the other team seems to be.

The next day, the chefs arrive at the restaurant, with four hours to get everything ready. The red team decides to call their restaurant "EVOO" (extra virgin olive oil), which is a terrible name. Not as bad as "Revolt", but still. Angelo says it refers to the Mediterranean flavors they're going to create. I doubt that name will evoke such an image. There's only one kitchen in this restaurant, so the teams are very intermingled as they cook. Tiffany discovers that Alex hasn't cleaned the red team's fish properly. I know editing affects a lot, but has he done a single thing correctly this week? Anything? Kenny tells us that the blue team's restaurant name is "2121", which is the address of the Top Chef house. Not particularly creative, but better than the competition. I'm just going to stick with "red" and "blue". Angelo notes how well the blue team is communicating, but cautions against being overconfident. Amanda tries to figure out how to use a wood-burning grill, interviewing that every grill has its own personality.

Tiffany: "Really? Because you don't."

Kenny writes himself another chapter in the epic story of KENNY VS. ANGELO: MASTER CHEF TAKES ON YOUNG UPSTART, that he's been fantasizing about since the first episode. He delights in Angelo losing his patience and temper over Alex's screwups. Alex bristles at being condescended to, but can't do much about it, because have I mentioned the massive screwups? He and Kelly head out to the front of the house to meet the servers and get everything set up. Kelly interviews that she's never really done this kind of work in a restaurant before, and doesn't want to get eliminated for something she never claimed to be a master of. Laurine is sitting at home, watching this and thinking, "Exactly. Fuckers." That's always been one of my problems with Restaurant Wars. A person who is a perfectly good chef could be eliminated for non-chef reasons, and a sub-par chef can safely hide from having to cook anything. Of course, Kelly has also bragged that you have know a bit of everything when opening a restaurant, so she kind of walked into this one.

She nervously chats with her servers, while Alex is a total douche to his. He brags about this in interview, not quite getting that if these servers screw him over, he doesn't get to fire them. The blue team serves up a plate of each of their dishes so that the servers can taste them, and thus explain them better to diners. Alex disdains this method, because he pictures himself such a lyrical poet that just describing the food to the servers is good enough. Oy. Kenny says that the red team's servers will go into the dining room with "negative energy". He seems to be a practical sort of person, so I'll interpret that in less of a Professor Trelawney kind of way, and more as a "the red team's servers have no incentive to do a good job," which I totally agree with. Time winds down. Food finishes cooking. Final instructions are given. And just like that, the restaurants are open for business.

Diners get seated and food starts going out. One of the red team servers is missing three crudos (crudoes?) for one of her tables. It's almost as if the red team's servers have no incentive to do a good job! As Alex explains the snafu to his table, the judges walk in. Gail makes a bitchy comment about there not being anyone at the hostess stand. Because you're instantly greeted in every restaurant ever, and never have to wait the full ten seconds that she has to. Gail, though normally my favorite judge, will not be covering herself in glory tonight. A server seats the judges, and Alex comes over to greet them. Padma introduces Frank Bruni. Alex nervously explains the Mediterranean influence, and withdraws to get the food. The judges clink glasses as the first course comes out. Angelo has made a confit of tomato soup with some squash and an olive crouton. Tiffany has made a crudo of black bass and yellowtail snapper with a lemon-caper relish. Alex describes the microgreens on top as a "summer salad". Ptom asks why, and Alex responds in what he thinks is an amusing way that it just sounds better than saying "microgreens". The judges aren't impressed. As to the food, Angelo's soup is a hit, but Tiffany's fish is too salty. You'd think she'd keep an eye on that after the disastrous Quickfire.

The second course is a while in coming, and Padma rudely shouts "How we doin'?!?!" across the restaurant. She follows this up with a whiny "I waaant my second cooooourse," like she's a fucking toddler. This is another thing I don't like about Restaurant Wars. We're meant to accept these judges as sophisticated diners, yet they often act like they just got denied chicken nuggets for breakfast. If the judges weren't Top Chef luminaries, and acted like this in a real restaurant, their entree would wind up being spit soup with a loogie crouton. Kevin cringes at the red team's disorganization. The second course is finally brought out before Padma can throw herself down on the floor screaming, or Ptom can scrawl with crayon all over the walls. Tiffany has made a pan-seared striped bass, with stewed spinach, fennel, chorizo, and clams. Ed has a slow-baked turbot with eggplant caviar and a black olive jus. Both of the dishes get generally positive reviews. Everyone loves Ed's fish, and while Tiffany's may have been a touch overcooked, it's got good flavors.

Third course. Alex has a pan-seared lamb chop on top of the oft-discussed pea puree, with smoked bacon and Parmesan foam. Trying to hearken back to more successful times, are we? He initially misidentifies the lamb as pork, but quickly corrects himself after Ptom makes a snide comment. Angelo and Ed have cooperated on a seared rib eye steak, with crushed walnut potatoes and a balsamic fig reduction. I'm not the biggest walnut fan, but that sounds pretty good. Frank enjoys the lamb, but has some texture issues. The steak is so-so, but the potatoes are a hit. The fact that it's not a terribly Mediterranean dish is brought up. True, but I'd hope that's mostly overlooked if it tastes good enough. Frank found the service spotty, and guesses that the team's focus was more on the kitchen than the dining room. Very perceptive.

On to the blue team! Interstitial. Amanda has to redo steak, because she's not cooking it to the proper doneness. She wants to stand there and debate Kelly about it, and talk about all the problems she's having with this unfamiliar grill. Kelly doesn't want to hear it, and just tells her to keep an eye on it.

Kelly greets the judges as they come in the door. She describes the menu as "Progressive American". As we've discussed before, calling your food "American" means that you can do whatever the hell you'd like to it. Kelly comes back to the kitchen and asks for the first course. Kenny interviews that he's not bringing his ego to this particular challenge. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whew! I need to wipe a couple of tears away before I continue. Okay, I'm ready. Kelly has made a chilled sweet corn soup with Maryland blue crab salad. Kenny's first course offering is beet salad with a warm chorizo/citrus vinaigrette. That makes it sound simple, which it's not. As is often the case, he's thrown everything but the kitchen sink onto this plate, from endive to candied nuts to pickled kumquat. Kelly's soup is deemed too thin and weak. Kenny's dish has far too many components, and is muddied.

Second course. Amanda's New York strip steak is grilled with roasted sunchokes and maitake mushrooms. Kevin made a pan-roasted halibut with white beans, a fennel marmalade and a tomato/fennel emulsion. Amanda's steak is too thin, and though the meat is a big disappointment, the sauce is good. Kevin's fish is not only visually appealing, but tastes good, too. Kelly makes sure to check in to make sure everything is okay. Kenny knows that executive chef is a risky position to take, but is confident in his abilities. My jaw fails to hit the ground.

Third course. Kenny has made crispy aged goat cheese on top of a strawberry-rhubarb relish, with some fresh arugula on the side. Kelly has made a dark chocolate ganache tart, with blackberry/chocolate chunk ice cream. I'm surprised we didn't hear more about how difficult dessert was to put together; Kelly seemed to have no issue with it whatsoever. Her tart is a huge hit with the judges, though the ice cream doesn't have enough flavor. Kenny's cheese plate is described as "awful". It's salty and mushy and according to Frank, a "horror show". Yikes. I'd be excited if I hadn't decided long ago that Kenny is destined to win the season. I begin trying to puzzle out how the judges will shift blame onto someone else to avoid eliminating him.

The judges talk. Ptom thinks the services went fairly well, all things considered. Frank says that both teams had better luck with fish than with other dishes. He hates the name "EVOO", so we're certainly in agreement on that one. Both teams had both hits and misses with their food. Tiffany's first-course fish was the weak point of the red team's menu, while Kelly's soup and both of Kenny's dishes didn't do the blue team any favors. Kelly's service was miles better than Alex's, though. Frank says that neither team should have announced their theme, because they painted themselves into a corner as far as sticking to it. Everyone packs up and heads back to the Kitchen.

Judges' Table. Padma asks to see the red team out in the dining room. The blue team is left to stew in anxiety. Amanda tries to hold on to her sense of confidence, but there's no getting around the fact that the winners are called first 99.9999% of the time. Indeed, when the red team comes out to face the judges, they're told they are the winning team. They are genuinely shocked. Alex admits to his nerves, but reports that he was calm and collected at every table but the judges'. Angelo's soup was pretty and flavorful. Tiffany's (second-course) bass was good, and Ed's turbot was fantastic. Ptom asks about the lamb dish, and Angelo responds that Alex conceptualized it, and Ed/Angelo executed it. Ptom enjoyed that dish vastly. There's nothing that pea puree can't achieve! Frank gets to announce the individual winner, and Ed's turbot wins the day. I'm happy to see it; he's come a long way from Assville.

WhiteTiffany: "You get to bang [Black]Tiffany as a reward."

Heh. No such luck for him, I'm afraid. He wins a trip to a Napa winery and a huge bottle of wine. Back in the Kitchen, the blue team has the good grace to clap for Ed's win before heading out to face the judges. They are as stunned with their loss as the red team was with their win. Kenny explains his surprise, going into all the chaos and miscommunication the red team had. True as that may be, Gail explains that the diners in a restaurant don't really give a good goddamn about the behind-the-scenes drama, as long as the food is good and the service is smooth. Frank gives Kelly a royal backhanded compliment, telling her that she had a clumsy charisma that served her well in front-of-house. "Thank you, [crap nugget]," she says, though the "crap nugget" is silent. She admits she likes her soups on the thinner side, but her corn soup went too far in that direction. Kenny's beet salad was a muddled mess. Frank tells him it was a beet salad "done through the guise of a Hamburger Helper". Ouch. Kenny can't stop some rage from fleeting across his face.

Kevin's halibut was a bright spot, but Amanda's steak was overcooked and dry. Just like last week. It's a good thing she works at a place called "The Water Grill", because meat is not her friend. A hurt Amanda apologizes and says that she's surprised Frank found the meat overcooked. Ptom corrects her to say that all four of the judges felt the same way on this point. Amanda quivers, near tears. Kenny's cheese course had ambition, but the execution was way off. Kenny's ego, having not only been denied food for the past few minutes, but is actively being starved, snaps. Rather than trying to defend his food on any level, he casts around for a way to make his menu acceptable, landing on Alex as a handy target. See, Alex only conceptualized his dish, and didn't actually cook anything. Therefore, he should be sent home, despite being on the winning team.

You know, if it weren't Kenny making this point, I would probably be more sympathetic to it. Alex really did stink up this challenge. And after all, the judges have shown no inclination to stick to team structure when picking a loser. Why not pluck someone off the winning team if they didn't contribute the required amount of work? I'm trying to look at it from a Kenny-happy judging panel's point of view, not mine. I would be enraged if they did this, just as I was in the school challenge. It can't be denied that Alex did minimal work, and did that minimal work poorly. Thems the breaks in team challenges, though. You rise or fall as a group. Sorry your food sucked, Kenster, but that doesn't mean the rules magically change in your favor. Or at least, it shouldn't.

Ptom asks if that means Alex didn't conceive his dish. Kevin jumps in to agree, and says that Ed and Angelo did all the work on it. Okay, but doing all the work doesn't mean they conceived it. I'm struggling to understand how important it is that Alex came up with the idea for the lamb. Is that enough, or was he responsible for actually preparing most or all of it? It's clear how Kenny and Kevin feel. They tell the judges that Alex needs to go. Padma dismisses them. I write an "A" in my notebook, ready for either Alex or Amanda to be eliminated. They are the natural secondary choices after Kenny's Shield of Invincibility is activated. The blue team wastes no time in jumping down Alex's throat when they get back to the Kitchen. Kevin sounds about eleven (both in age and volume) as he leaps up and screams "Your ass should be going!!! You didn't do a fucking thing!!!" How's that goal to control your temper coming along, Kevin? The red team, very calm under the circumstances, essentially tells him to shove it, saying that they were very clear to the judges about who did what. Kenny tries to argue it logically, pointing out all the ways in which Alex didn't help. Alex brings up the prep work he did (poorly, but still), and Angelo sticks up for him, telling him he doesn't need to justify anything to the blue team. Wow, Angelo has come a long way, too. Assville is losing residents at a steady rate!

Deliberations. Kelly soup was thin and flavorless. Amanda's steak was awful, and it was the only thing she was responsible for. Kevin didn't do a lot of work, but he did it well. Kenny did well as a leader, but hideously poorly as a cook. His two dishes were the worst things about the blue team's menu. Frank says that Alex may not have pulled his weight, but in a team challenge, if the rest of the people pull you through, it's understood that everyone's safe for the time being. Thank you for that much-needed reminder, Frank. Not that it does Jacqueline much good. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. I fill out the "A" in my notebook with "manda". Ptom gives each chef some blather about what they did well and what they did poorly. It's all the stuff you've already heard. The viewing party tells me that it may just be Kenny's time, and I scoff loudly. "Have you even been watching this season? He's going to win," I snort. They hem and haw, and I offer to make three courses of my own for next week's viewing party if Kenny gets eliminated. If not, then I'm to be rewarded by goodies provided by other people. I lean back in my chair, satisfied, and wait to bathe in an aura of bet-winning superiority. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the big news. Kenny. Please pack your knives and go. My mind is immediately torn into two pieces. The quieter piece says "Damn. Not only have I lost the bet, but I've got all those recaps, published for the entire world to see, crowing about how obvious Kenny's win is being telegraphed. I look dumb." The louder piece of my mind? Says this.

Final interview. Firstly, Kenny makes sure to get a dig in at Alex, because rules be damned, Kenny should be on top. Aren't you gone yet? No? Okay, I'll let you finish. After warbling something about how "the beast is gone," he wraps up by saying that it's anybody's game now. Even in defeat, his ego demands a healthy meal. You know, one of the things that sets Top Chef apart from other reality shows is that I always feel like they crown a winner that they truly believe cooks good food. I may not always be happy with the personality of the victor, but that's the whole point... A sunny disposition doesn't mean someone can cook better than an ass, and I'm happy that the show awards the win based on merit. I really thought they were dancing dangerously close to the line this season. I was convinced that Kenny, despite clear misses in the kitchen, would sail to an undeserved victory based on nothing more than his bluster and background. With him gone, this season has suddenly attained an air of suspense it was sorely lacking. I could not have been more wrong in my previous recaps. I was wrong, wrong, wrong. And I've never been happier to say so. Now, I'm off to the store. A bet's a bet.

Overall Grade: B-

Mission Impossible

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: Robin's annoying habits, such as passive-aggressiveness, constant chatter, and having the nerve to be an older woman made her very unpopular in the house. Nerves also frayed between Michael and Bryan, whose relationship goes much better when the entire continent is between them. Kevin won another challenge, while Ash got swept out the door. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Timiffany has finished carving their pumpkins for the season, and we got to snack on the roasted seeds. Yaaaaay!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Jenc struts her stuff in a bikini. Laurine is relieved that she hasn't been cut yet. Kevin is slightly morose over Ash's elimination, since he brought such a sense of camaraderie to the household. With him gone, the base level of tension escalates, especially between Michael and Bryan. Michael admits that he's always been an instigator, and Bryan an overbearing caretaker.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and this week's guest judge, Rick Moonen. As Kevin says, Rick is a champion of sustainable food, a soundbite we'll be hearing a lot this evening. Of course, what makes a food sustainable is never mentioned in any capacity whatsoever. It's like calling yourself "green" or slapping a pink ribbon on something as the extent of your support of breast cancer research. Caring about food sources is an admirable quality, but I need something a little meatier than an announcement about how lofty your goals are. Padma tells the chefs that they can only go so far on their individual talents, and Rick agrees that they work with bunches of people, and thus need "synergy". I put that in quotes because corporate buzzwords annoy me, especially when they're unnecessary, and can be replaced by eminently respectable words like "teamwork" or "cooperation".

That aside, the Quickfire this week is a clever, new kind of challenge, and thus very welcome. The chefs will be competing in a tag team relay race. The chefs draw knives to get their teams, and everyone's is blank except for Jenc's (who gets "First Choice") and Michael's (who gets "Second Choice"). Those two get to act as team captains. Jenc briefly mulls over whether she should split the brothers up or not, but eventually makes a wise choice, and picks Kevin. Michael snags Bryan. Jenc takes Mike. Michael takes Eli. Jenc takes Laurine, so poor, friendless Robin is picked last. She shuffles off to Michael's team, much cheerier about it than you'd expect. The teams will take on various names throughout the evening, so Jenc's team is now Blue, while Michael's is now Red. The teams will have forty minutes to complete one dish. Each team member will get ten minutes to have a crack at it. If that sounds overly simple, there's a hell of a catch. The chefs are not allowed to speak to each other. At all. Not only that, but until it's their turn to cook, everyone will be blindfolded. Padma promises a big advantage for the team that comes up with the most cohesive dish. Plus, this is high stakes, so the winning team will split $10,000.

The teams get a few moments to decide the order that their members will be cooking in. Competition aside, I feel a bit sorry for whoever goes last, as they have to stand blindfolded in a wordless room for half an hour. That doesn't strike me as the height of fun. Michael decides that Eli will go first, Robin second, Bryan third, and Michael himself will take the cleanup spot. That's a pretty smart order. Since Robin is deemed the weakest chef, the second spot, where she's neither choosing the initial ingredients nor wrapping up the dish for the judges, is a good one to put her in. Over on the Blue team, they bookend with the Wonder Twins, having Jenc go first and Kevin go last. They put Laurine in second and Mike in third. Planning time runs out, and everyone except Jenc and Eli puts their blindfolds on. Ready? Go!

Eli and Jenc grab a bunch of ingredients. Jenc wants to clue in her team by pulling out the proteins she wants, and gets black cod and scallops. After a quick prep on those, she wants to get a sauce going. She's hoping to poach the fish in olive oil, and whacks some shrimp and mushrooms for someone else to add later. Eli takes a more basic tack, unsurprisingly. He gets a lot of ingredients going that can be used in a multitude of ways, so instead of hoping to lead his team to a particular dish, he'll give them some cooked steak and chopped vegetables and let them do what they want. Neither strategy is half bad. Eli worries about the cohesiveness of the Red team's styles, making sure to get another dig in at Robin. Padma blows her whistle, so Laurine and Robin jump into the fray. Jenc worries that her teammates won't follow her "flavor profile", the third time in forty seconds that the phrase has been used. I understand that it conveys a helpful concept, but give it a damn rest.

Laurine gets a good sense of Jenc's intentions. She starts the scallops, and after a little confusion, figures out that Jenc wanted to poach the fish in the olive oil. Robin grabs the yuzu and anchovies and whips up a vinaigrette for a fennel salad. That lady sure likes her fennel. Padma blows her whistle again, and Mike hilariously claws at his blindfold, trying to get it off. He takes a while to figure out what to do, but seems to fall in the team line eventually. Bryan takes the Red team off in an Asian direction with pureed avocado and soy, adding even more yuzu to the mix, because he's unaware that Robin just used a bunch.

Another enthusiastic whistle blow brings Kevin and Michael in to clean up. Kevin knows exactly what the team was going for, and decides to chuck most of their ideas. Heh. He disregards the scallops entirely, and though he knows the olive oil is waiting to poach the black cod, he decides to pan roast it in butter, instead. Michael has a more difficult task. The steak isn't cooked enough, and the soy mixture is too salty for his tastes, so he has a lot more work to do. Both of them plate in their final seconds. The Red team has come up with strip steak with a whipped miso avocado puree, a bit of nasturtium, and various pickled vegetables. Eli admits to the judges that this isn't exactly how he envisioned the steak winding up, but it isn't too far off. The Blue team has made pan-seared black cod with some sauteed mushrooms, a mushroom/ginger broth, and some radish on top. Jenc misidentifies the black cod as trout, which Rick calls her on. She's embarrassed.

As far as results, both teams did an admirable job, but the Blue team emerges victorious, thanks mostly to Jenc's well-made stock. Laurine is happy to have her first win, though it must sting a little to only win when you've got the Wonder Twins backing you up. Michael is disappointed by the loss, and says that he's learned that you have to rely on teammates if you want to succeed. The Vulture of Foreshadowing circles his head and begins to caw loudly.

Elimination Challenge. Padma reminds the Blue team that they'll get an advantage, and reveals that the challenge is the "most anticipated of the season". Yes, it's Restaurant Wars time again, and I don't mind telling you that I'm not as big a fan of this challenge as the rest of the Top Chef viewing community seems to be. The chefs are excited, though. Kevin and Bryan say what we're all thinking, which is that talent-wise, it looks like the Blue team is as destined to triumph as Team Winner was. The teams will be taking over the two floors of Rick's restaurant, and as Quickfire winner, the Blue team gets to pick which floor they cook on. I'm sorry, what? That's the big advantage they get for winning? I think the people who write Ptom and Padma's patter for this show really need to reacquaint themselves with the definition of the word "advantage".

In better news, Padma says that the chefs don't need to worry about decor this time. Good. Spending ten minutes of the episode watching people paint walls and pick out tacky napkins was not the most entertaining aspect of previous seasons' Restaurant Wars. Padma also warns that front-of-house and service will be taken into consideration at judging, and that the front-of-house team member will be responsible for conceiving and executing one dish. In other words, there won't be any hiding from the firing squad, a la Spike. Shopping duties will be split between the grocery store and the restaurant supply store. Rick cautions them that they need to stay true to his vision of sustainable food, and that they'll be judged on that, as well. I will tell you now that this admonition is patently false. Padma tells the Blue team they have the option of taking their $2500 a piece, or letting it ride to turn it into $10,000 a piece if they win the challenge. They opt for the latter. Sure, why not? It's not like they have to go to the nearest bank and withdraw $2500 of their own money if they lose. Might as well take the shot.

The chefs get thirty minutes to plan their three-course menus. The Blue team has seen this show before, and instantly decides that they're going to stay far, far away from dessert. Laurine volunteers to take front-of-house. The Red team says that their menu will be "Modern American", which is code for "Whatever The Hell We Want". Bryan thinks he's strong enough in pastry to do a dessert. Michael points out that the judges loved Robin's apple crisp, so she volunteers to do another version with pear. Bryan wants to do a better version of what he presented in that same challenge, which worries Michael, because Bryan was on the bottom in that Quickfire. Bryan assures him that it will work this time, undoubtedly because he has a lot more time to work on it. Michael remains unconvinced.

Shopping. Eli pledges to be a good teammate with Robin, no matter how much he dislikes her. Robin gets pissy when the Blue team sees that she's picked up some sparkling water, and picks up some of their own as well. Laurine makes the apt argument that whatever team wins, it's not going to be because there's sparkling water on the table. She's right. Of course, I'm trying to imagine what would happen if Robin were the one to pick up the idea from someone else. I envision a lot of interviews about how weak and out of her league she is that she feels the need to copy someone else.

Back at the house, Eli picks out an unattractively shlubby outfit to wear for his front-of-house duties. Both teams discuss their plans. Michael comes up with the idea to call their restaurant "Revolt", as a mashup of their names (Robin, Eli, and Voltaggios). Everyone cackles and agrees. Robin brings up the fact that patrons not in on this inside joke will just see a word that doesn't have the best connotations when it comes to food, but Bryan is confident they'll see the other meaning, as in "to rise up against authority". The Red team now styles themselves "Mission", which is much better, especially in paying lip service to the whole sustainable food aspect of the challenge. Michael gives Robin ideas on how to elevate a simple crisp into a more high-end dessert. Mission convinces themselves that Kevin's track record with meat dishes should overcome any problems the judges have with not serving dessert.

The next day, the chefs head to the restaurants, which are on two floors of the same big room. Mission picks the floor they want, and Revolt is somehow not blown into shock and submission by this awesome "advantage". The chefs have three hours to prepare, which as Kevin points out, is hardly enough. Michael is becoming too domineering, which is rubbing Bryan and Robin the wrong way. Eli seems all too happy to be told what to do, just as Ash was. Laurine tries to help Mission prep as much as she can before she's needed in the dining room. Mission's menu includes: Asparagus with a six-minute egg, Arctic char tartare, a bouillabaisse consomme, seared trout, pork three ways, and lamb with carrot jam. Mike is preparing the first two, Jenc the second two, Kevin the pork, and Laurine the lamb (which Kevin will actually cook). Jenc discovers that they're a lot further behind on time than they should be, but there's not much they can do about it at this point.

Revolt will be serving Michael's chicken with calamari "pasta", Eli's smoked Arctic char, Bryan's duo of beef, Michael's cod with a billi-bi sauce, Robin's pear pithivier, and Bryan's chocolate ganache with spearmint ice cream. Once the brunt of the prep work is done, Eli and Laurine break off to get the dining rooms settled. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Laurine promises him that if the dishes that come out of the kitchen don't meet her satisfaction, she'll send them back. Ptom ascertains that Jenc is busy, and doesn't ask a single question about what she's making. I sure am glad that we are privy to these fascinating inner workings of the competition! They really need to do away with this segment. If Ptom's not going to help them or offer any sort of feedback (which I find silly, but more than fair), and we don't learn anything important as an audience, why are we forced to go through this every week?

After a final montage of prep work, along with some sniping by Michael and Bryan, diners flood both dining rooms. Mission is nowhere near being done. Even as people are being seated for dinner, Jenc is still trying to butcher her fish. She shrugs that she may have to wind up cooking each piece to order. The judges come to Revolt first. Toby's here again. Please come back soon, Gail! Once Eli greets them and gets them seated, he shuffles off to get their food. The judges agree that the restaurant has a terrible name. Eli soon reappears with his smoked Arctic char (which is misidentified by the Reliably Shitty Titles Department as Bryan's), which has beets, a horseradish sour cream, and some potatoes. It is paired with Michael's pressed chicken with calamari noodles, some fennel, and tomato confit. The judges love Michael's dish, but find Eli's bland. The second course takes a long time to come out, which the judges note. Michael continues to snipe at Bryan in the kitchen.

Eventually, Eli does bring out Bryan's beef duo, which is a braised short rib with sunchoke puree, and a New York strip steak. He apologizes for the wait and explains the second course, which also includes Michael's cod with parsley sauce, a billi-bi croquette, and some zucchini. Michael has another winner with the cod. Bryan's is not as good. It's a tad bland, and some diners find the meat cold. Ew. Since we're between courses, it must be time for Michael to bully his teammates some more. He and Robin get into a fight about her dessert. She's trying to plate it, and he doesn't think she's doing it right, and tries to take over. She won't let him and curses at him, he gets offended and yells at her, then condescendingly tells her to relax. Bryan says in interview that in Restaurant Wars, you have to put your feelings aside so that you can get the food out, and I honestly don't know which person he's defending and which he's telling to put their feelings aside; both Robin and Michael are being assholes. The funniest bit is when Michael tells Robin not to curse at him, and his hypocrisy aside, anyone who's ever worked in a kitchen will know why that's hilarious. It turns out not to matter that much, as the judges love both Robin and Bryan's desserts.

The judges agree that Eli put forth a good effort on front-of-house, then hoist themselves up, and head to Mission. Laurine greets them, and worries about striking a balance between serving the judges and serving everyone else in the restaurant. The judges read the menu, and have the nerve to act shocked when they discover that there is no dessert. Mike, who is strangely calm and agreeable tonight, sends out the first course. I think being beaten down by the competition may be doing his personality some good. His asparagus and egg is served, along with the Arctic char tartare. Laurine disappears without talking to them about the food, and the judges agree (though Toby needs some coaching by Ptom) that the dishes need some salt. Padma flags down Laurine and asks for salt in a pseudo-friendly voice designed to let her know that she's screwed up. It's the "Pardon me. I'd wonder if you'd mind putting down the nail file for a moment and telling me where I can find the bedding department," kind of request.

Jenc is still way behind on the fish, and Laurine can't keep up with the dining room, so the second course is pretty much a disaster from the get-go. Laurine again gives the judges their food and vanishes without a word. Padma calls her back to explain the dishes. Jenc's fish course includes Idaho trout with a brown butter emulsion, braised endive, and hazelnuts. Also, some Alaskan halibut with mussels and clams, and a saffron aioli in consomme. Once she's gone, we hear that neither dish has gone well for Jenc. The consomme is not clear, as it should be, but tastes fine. The mussels and clams are too fishy, and the brown butter sauce has broken.

Mission's problems are not over. Kevin cannot get Laurine's lamb to cook evenly, although no amount of oven problems should cause a chef to look at a piece of meat that is solid red and openly bleeding and call it "medium rare". That's on Kevin. He and I both admit that the level of doneness is more a point of opinion than accepted fact. When the lamb finally goes out, Laurine explains to the judges that it has a carrot jam with mushroom sauce, and a green bean salad with herb dressing. Kevin's pork three ways is pork belly with maple glaze, cabbage-wrapped pork sausage, some cornmeal mousseline, and red-eye gravy. Laurine's lamb is considered way too rare, though I don't see how that's her fault (except where she said she wouldn't allow food she didn't approve of out into the dining room, which she now has). Kevin's pork dish is much better-received. Toby says he misses dessert. Perhaps if you guys didn't harangue or eliminate every contestant who timidly steps outside his or her comfort zone to make one, you'd get it more often.

End of service. A waiter for Revolt hands out flowers to patrons right before they fill out their comment cards. Oooh, sneaky. Michael knows they had their problems, but thinks things went fine, overall. Mission, on the other hand, doesn't have to wonder how they did; they know they sucked. Various patrons talk about how great Revolt's food was, and how disappointing Mission was in both food and service. The judges head out.

Interstitial. The editors intercut footage of Michael being a giant prick to his teammates with interviews of Michael describing the qualities of good leaders. According to Interview Michael, good leaders aren't arrogant, and don't yell and scream. According to Footage Michael, *bleep*, *bleeep*, with the *bleeep*ing *bleeeeeeeep*. Interview Michael wraps up with an avowal that he's a nice guy with the biggest heart in the competition. The editors wrap up Footage Michael with more bitching, moaning, and cursing. Ouch.

Judges' Table. In the fret 'n sweat, Mike implies that the only way Revolt could lose is if they burned down their kitchen, then fell into a well or something. Unsurprisingly, Padma comes in and asks to see the Revolt team. They're told they are the winning team, and had the best food of any Restaurant Wars team, ever. Wow. Toby says that aside from the sketchy name and Eli being "woefully underdressed", he gives them high marks. I'm glad somebody brought up Eli's outfit, because I really am not a fan of the put-on-nice-clothes-then-untuck-them-and-roll-around-in-bed look. Bryan's ice cream and short rib are singled out as his best offerings. I thought they said the meat was bland and cold. What changed? Maybe they just meant the strip steak. Eli is commended for his service. Both of Michael's dishes are lauded. When Robin's dessert is complimented, the problems between her and Michael are alluded to, but not fully explored, which makes sense. Who'd want to throw a big tantrum when you're on the winning team? That's all of the discussion. Aren't you glad we've learned so much about what made this winning team's menu sustainable? Rick gets to announce the individual winner, and since his food was so fantastic, Michael is chosen. He wins the $10,000 that each member of Mission would have gotten, had they won. Probably hoping to mend some fences, Michael pledges to split the money with the other Revolt team members.

Back in the Kitchen, Mission tries to figure out who's going to get eliminated. Mike wishes he would have taken front-of-house, because he's got so much experience with it. Much good it does anyone to bring that up now. Revolt comes back with the news of Michael's win, and sends Mission out to Losers' Table. Michael openly hopes for Mike to survive the chopping block. Once they're gone, Bryan allows himself to get pissy. He doesn't yell and scream like a lot of contestants have; he gets curt and passive-aggressive. Robin and Eli thank Michael for splitting his prize money, but Bryan tells him to keep it. He's upset that Michael's unprofessional behavior was rewarded, and doesn't want any part of that, but only tells us that in interview. In the Kitchen, all he'll say is that Michael won, so he should keep his money. Michael is obviously well-versed enough in the ways of Bryan to know that he's being told to shove it.

Mission walks out to the judges. There was so much wrong that it's almost tough to find a place to start. Timing issues. Execution issues. Service issues. Mike's food was acceptable, but nothing special. Jenc's fish courses were a mess. Though the halibut was cooked well, the trout was a disaster. Jenc is surprised to hear about the broken sauce. In the third course, the lamb was completely underdone, and to make sure that Kevin the Golden Child isn't blamed, Ptom turns to Laurine and reminds her about the conversation they had about her taking charge of food that she wouldn't put her stamp of approval on. Don't get me wrong. I like Kevin, and if you asked me if he or Laurine had more overall talent, I think the answer is pretty clear. That said, it's not very fair to say that underdone meat is entirely a service problem, and leave the person who undercooked it completely out of the picture.

Laurine admits to a lot of other problems, as well. Once things got hectic, her anxiety started to show, which only caused things to fall apart faster. Ptom says that it sounds like what Mission really lacked was leadership, and that deciding things by committee doesn't work. I don't know if that really holds true in every situation, but I agree that it would have helped in this one. Jenc is completely beaten down. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Mission was ill-prepared for the evening, and didn't communicate well. Ptom thinks they may have been overconfident going in, which I can buy. Mike didn't have an out-and-out catastrophe. Jenc was insane to steam clams and mussels to order, and her trout sucked. The lamb was undercooked, and Ptom finally admits that Kevin has to share in the responsibility of that. Laurine fell apart in front-of-house and in front-of-everyone. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. This one's not too hard to call. If Mike didn't have any individual issues, and the Wonder Twins are two of the remaining people, that just leaves Laurine. I believe this is the first time a front-of-house person has been eliminated. She gets good-bye hugs in the Kitchen, and tells Jenc that she (Jenc) deserves to stay. Laurine says that the obstacles presented helped her learn a lot about herself, and that competing for anything is not her cup of tea. It's refreshing to hear someone say that. I'm not competitive, either, and I get a little tired of reality show participants praising themselves for their competitive natures. It usually means they're trying to pass off being a dick on a drive to succeed, but even when it's genuine, I don't always accept a desire to beat other people as a virtue. Revolt asks Mission what went down in the dining room, and Kevin declines to discuss it, saying that he's really angry right now. I would love to hear why, but it is not to be.

Laurine is happy to have learned some innovative cooking techniques while she was here, but is also looking forward to returning to her old life. I'm conflicted about her elimination. There's no way I can deny that she really dropped the ball on her front-of-house duties, which she knew was fair game for judging. Plus, as I've said before, she's not the archetype that's favored in shows like these, so it was only a matter of time before she was eliminated. Note that everyone I said would be eliminated is now gone, save Robin, and let's face it... She's only got one or two more episodes. With regard to Laurine, though, I feel like a lot of Mission's biggest problems weren't her fault. She didn't mitigate the kitchen's problems well, but it's not like she was the reason the food was slow. She didn't fall behind on her prep work. She didn't undercook the meat. Given the rules of the challenge, it was entirely fair to eliminate her, but as the judges have often snottily reminded us and the contestants, this isn't Top Sous Chef or Top Sommelier. Is it now Top Hostess? If your overall goal is to seek out the most talented chef, is it really wise to eliminate someone who isn't a good manager?

Overall Grade: B-

That is Studly

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 9

No, it isn't. But first thing's first. The teams leave Kazakhstan for Moscow, Russia, which I'm surprised to learn is one of the most expensive cities in the world. There's more pointless flirting between Dallas and Starr. The Fratties go to an airport store and spend a good chunk of their available money on new shoes to replace the ones they idiotically left behind at the last Detour.

Once in Moscow, teams have to find a monastery and light a candle. Bo-ring! From there, they have to go to a military camp and dress in fatigues for the Detour. The choice is between doing a simple, synchronized march (Bo-ring!) or filling 75 bowls with some very runny borscht (Extremely Bo-ring!). Toni and Dallas get a good jump, and although Nick and Starr have a string of unhelpful taxi drivers, their bad luck cannot hope to compete against the Fratties' sheer incompetence. They screw up (well, Dan screws up) one of the easiest Detour tasks in the history of the show, then mistakenly strip off their fatigues to go do the other one. Sigh. From there, it would take some real work to lose to them.

Dan finally doesn't suck at something; in this case, the Roadblock, which involves hauling sacks of flour (Bo-ring! Though somewhat made up for by an awesome clue wrangler who yells at the contestants) into a bakery. Toni and Dallas finally score a first-place win, and must figure out how to spend a romantic trip for two together. The money that the Fratties wasted on buying shoes makes them too broke to pay off their taxi, and by the time they finally trudge to the pitstop, they're in dead last. So of course it's a non-elimination leg, and they live to suck another day.

Overall Grade: C-

Come See About Me

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 9

It's time for the traditional go-see episode. Also traditional is the one or more girls that don't make it back on time, and get disqualified. You'd think after ten seasons of this show, the girls would make getting back to home base on time their number one priority. Well, think again. Samantha is fairly well-received by the designers, though they feel she's too commercial to work a runway. Everyone likes Analeigh, despite the fact that she's so boring, I literally forget she exists from week to week. Though I'm not proud of it, my memory files away reality show contestants with razor sharp precision, but Analeigh? She fades from my brain the second the show is over.

Marjorie has one of her trademark nerve meltdowns and fucks the whole challenge up, and by this point, LabRat and I are beyond sympathy for her, and into irritation. Elina's tattoos turn one of the designers off, which is understandable. The show makes a bigger deal of it than it actually is, because they need to make Elina look bad this week. McKey is wildly popular with everyone, but makes it back all of five minutes late. She also seems to have acquired a British accent out of nowhere. Um...OK. Though it's entirely fair that she be disqualified from the challenge, five minutes in real life would be negligible, so the judge can take the disappointed-dad tone he takes with her and shove it up his ass. This is certainly no "In some countries...THERE IS WAR!" Analeigh wins the challenge, mostly because of the others' faults than through her assets.

Marjorie is a ball of nerves. Nobody cares anymore.

For the photo shoot this week, Tyra takes two shots of each girl: One "clean" look, and one where they're all made up. Samantha blows Tyra and OJ away. She really does look good this week. Also impressive is McKey and what's-her-name. McKey's tardiness is barely mentioned at panel, because the praise from all of the designers she saw is so lavish. I have to say, I'm seeing the McKey-as-model angle a lot more these days. She's got an interesting, versatile look.

Marjorie is a ball of nerves. Nobody cares anymore.

Her timidity knocks her down to the bottom two, along with her pal Elina, who still can't break out of the controlled posing the judges have been squawking about since 1983. It seems like Marjorie is done for, but Tyra's had enough of Elina's failure to evolve, and she gets snipped. Yeah, she's going at about the right time. So, we're left with a fairly palatable final four of Samantha, McKey, Marjorie, and What's-Her-Name. Really, any of the first three would be an acceptable winner (though I'm pulling for McKey), so I like my odds of being satisfied.

Overall Grade: B+

Horrorscope

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 9

You know what, Project Runway? It's incredibly rude of you to hog all the really good drugs and not offer any to your audience. You must be hoarding some really primo shit to explain this week's decisions, which are far more mystifying than any claptrap your garden variety astrologer could dream up.

In order to inject some interest into this humdrum season, the eliminated designers are brought back to be paired up with the current designers. The challenge is to select the astrological sign of one of the team's members, then construct an avant-garde garment inspired by that sign. Most of the teams get along fine. The notable exception is Terri, who would rather rely on herself to do everything, and Keith, who needs to be gently taken aside and have it explained that he's not still in the running to win. Avant-garde is a tricky concept, especially when it must be matched to a specific inspiration, and a lot of the teams fall flat in one way or the other.

Korto and Kelli's garment isn't particulary avant-garde, but nicely evokes Aquarius. Kenley and Wesley's is nicely avant-garde, but doesn't have a thing to do with Aquarius. It doesn't even matter to Blayne what the challenge, the inspiration, or the helper (Stella) is, because he makes what he always makes: Vibrantly-colored fug. Jerell and Jennifer's somehow manages to be bland and tacky at the same time. Leanne and Emily's is terrific. It manages to pull off avant-garde and evoke a clear image of Scorpio. Well done. Another good one is Joe and Daniel's, which is like the flip-side of Jerell's -- interesting and lovely. Suede and Jerry's is dull. Terri tries to pull out Keith's Leo with some faux fur.

The designs are taken to a party, where the winner will be chosen by more ghosts of Project Runway past, including Jay, Christian, Kara Janx, Danzzz, and... Carmen? Carmen?!? Sure, why not? When scouting out high fashion, it's important to get the opinion of the chick who sent strips of unfinished fabric down the runway and got eliminated second. When Terri's fur doesn't get high marks, she reworks the design before the runway show, eschewing all ideas and offers of help from Keith, who whines a lot. After the show, the drugs really kick in, as Jerell is declared the winner. What the holy fuck? Leanne, Korto, and Joe's designs are all better than his. And not just sort of better. FAR better. Two designers are to be eliminated tonight, and the judges kick it off with a gimme by giving Blayne his long overdue booting. Loserlicious! Kenley is in danger solely because she mouthed off to Heidi, but is declared safe. That brings it to Terri and Suede, and even though we know that Terri has more design potential in her toenails than that sack of tiresome affectations has in his whole body, her inability to work with Keith gets her punted. If I gave two shits about the outcome of this season, I'd be furious. Instead, I'm just curious who the judges' dealer is. Somebody get his number.

Overall Grade: C

Wedding Wars

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: Mark played the didgeridoo. Mark didn't cook very well. Mark got eliminated. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Not a damn thing. Not even a glass of water.

Morning in Chicago. Andrew and Spike are bummed that Mark's gone. Meanwhile, the ladies are preparing for battle, or so the music would have us think. Antonia says that this is the first time four women have made it this far in the competition. Nikki agrees that women have to be fighters and competitors. I think I know which way the wind is blowing, here. Nikki's too nice and Lisa's got too much of a bull's-eye on her forehead, but I firmly believe Antonia or Stephanie is going to win this season. Feel free to look back on this entry in hindsight and laugh at me if I'm wrong. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Ptom and Padma. Padma tells everyone that the Quickfire winner will no longer get immunity from elimination. She goes on to say that this week, they'll be bringing back two "all time, top favorite" challenges. I'm immediately filled with dread, as I've never bought what these folks try to pass off as "favorite". The chefs draw knives to split themselves into two teams, which wind up being:

Dale/Lisa/Nikki/Spike
Andrew/Richard/Stephanie/Antonia

Yeesh, what a divide. Take a look at those teams, and identify everyone who's ever started a pissy fight, shoved blame/responsibility off onto someone else in front of the judges, or is just generally hopeless in team situations. Notice something? Like how they're all on that first team? This is going to be a bloodbath, and to illustrate that, I'll just have to refer to one team in glowing terms and the other in much more dire ones. Dale disdains his teammates' cooking skills. Lisa not-so-fondly remembers what it's like to work with Dale, but says she hasn't had the opportunity to really work with Spike or Nikki.

Tiffany: "I'll be a bitch to anyone; I'm not picky."

My dread about the challenges is somewhat relieved when the Quickfire turns out to be the relay race, which I did enjoy. Anyhow, the four tasks are to peel and supreme five oranges, clean and turn two artichokes, clean and split a monkfish into two fillets, and make a quart of mayonnaise. The teams have two minutes to decide who does what, and the winning team will get an advantage. Team Sunshine decides to put Antonia on oranges, Andrew on artichokes, Richard on monkfish, and Stephanie on mayonnaise. Meanwhile, Team Cesspool is already having problems. Nobody wants to tackle the mayonnaise, which Dale ridicules in interview. He wonders why chefs who can't make mayonnaise by hand are still in the competition, and though he isn't on my Hanukkah card list, I'm with him on this one. Nikki finally takes on the mayonnaise, with reluctance.

The teams line up. Ptom readies his whistle. Ready? Go! Lisa smokes Antonia on the oranges. Dale helpfully points out a seed Lisa must dispose of, because he's all about teamwork. Antonia's still got about two oranges to go when Lisa is finished, and Spike gets started on the artichokes. He turns them before starting to peel. By the time he's done that, Antonia has finished with the oranges, and Andrew jumps onto the artichokes. It turns out that one of the pieces of equipment Andrew brought from home is a simple little peeler, and with this secret weapon, he demolishes Spike. That brings the teams neck and neck. Richard and Dale get started on the monkfish. I'm all about enjoying weird and exotic fish, but those suckers are pug fugly. They finish at about the same time, though Dale's aren't as pretty as Richard's. That's second-hand information from Lisa, by the way. They both look like hacked up fish fillets to me. So, it's down to Stephanie and Nikki on the mayonnaise. Do I even need to go into detail? Yes, despite Dale's ever-helpful "street" cheering, Team Sewage is vanquished.

Team Lollipop celebrates, but the mood is quickly killed by Dale slamming his hand into the lockers and screaming "FUCK!" No, really. Dale, who is presumably an adult, throws a massive shitfit, not because someone is directly challenging him, not because he's receiving what he feels is unfair criticism... No, he's screaming because he lost a challenge. This is how you can tell the difference between people who are truly competitive, and people who call themselves competitive, but really just mean that they want to win everything, all the time. What a douchebag. The other chefs hate him as much as I do, Antonia interviewing that it must be time for him to have his diaper changed. Snap!

Commercials. Why do I get the feeling that Jersey Boys is to the Tony what Gladiator was to the Oscar?

Padma and Ptom ignore Dale's tantrum, and move on to the Elimination Challenge. I guess that was their only option, short of offering him a thumb to suck on. The other "favorite" challenge this week is Restaurant Wars, but revamped. Two photogenic people enter, and Padma introduces them as a couple that is to be married tomorrow. So this season, it seems that Restaurant Wars is being melded to Wedding Bell Blues, which sounds about as appealing as combining gefilte fish and cherry cough syrup. In the entire history of this show, there have only been two challenges that got my blood boiling: That horrible, fucked up wedding challenge, and the horrible, fucked up boat challenge. Ironic that neither was in the horrible, fucked up second season. The chefs are understandably not so thrilled with this turn of events.

They'll stay divided into Team Rainbow and Team Phlegm, and each will cook for half the guests. One team will cook according to the bride's tastes, and one according to the groom's. Padma adds that the couple owns a restaurant and wedding venue, so there will no pulling the wool over these eyes. Are you ready to hear about the awesome "advantage" Team Orgasm receives for winning the Quickfire? They get to choose which person's guests to cook for! Isn't that awesome? Even though they don't know a single thing about either one of them, and they may as well flip a coin as to which one will be easier, if in fact either of them is? WOOOOOO! Seriously, this is the worst "advantage" since poor Brian won the chance to select which way he was going to be screwed over. And what a coincidence, it's the horrible, fucked up boat challenge!

Team Ice Cream chooses the bride, which is a little questionable, because... Oh, let's just let Spike and his Dick Tracy hat explain it. "She's gonna want this moment exactly the way she's envisioned it since she was fourteen years old." He's right. I worked at a wedding reception this very weekend, and the first thing out the bride's mouth was a complaint about the color ribbon her mom chose for the wedding cake. The chefs will have forty-five minutes to consult with their client, then an hour to shop for food and supplies (with a budget of $5000). As with the previous wedding challenge, they'll be working through the night. I can't wait to see what balls of sunshine these people are on no sleep. The one person who seems jazzed is Andrew, who overshares that he has "a culinary boner".

LabRat: "And when he shoots his wad, it's mayonnaise."

Padma turns the bride and groom over to the chefs, and starts the forty-five minute countdown. The groom tells Team Tetanus that he likes Italian food and outlines some ideas, like bruschetta and shrimp. Naturally, all heads turn to Nikki, who happily says that she and the groom have very similar palates. The bride and Richard are forming a similar bond, both being from the South. Team Jackpot has lucked out a bit, as the bride has very simple tastes. She likes the idea of pizza for a passed appetizer, and says that anything fried is fine by her. So they'll be going with a kind of meat and potatoes, comfort food menu. Sounds good. Antonia worries if it will be refined enough. The groom tells Team Landfill that he's partial to German chocolate cake. Eeeeeeeew, coconut. The bride doesn't care about the flavor; she just wants lots of layers and for it to look interesting. As usual, dessert, especially one of this magnitude, strikes terror into the chefs' hearts.

The bride and groom take their leave, and the chefs begin to plan their menus. Team Puppies hits upon an idea for pulled pork, but isn't as thrilled with Andrew's idea for a chicken nugget. As Antonia says, crispy chicken never stays crispy enough to serve. True enough. She doesn't seem too put off by it, and just lets Andrew babble. Over at Team Pond Scum, Nikki is saying that she wants to start off with a series of flatbreads. Lisa puts herself entirely in Nikki's hands. I give Lisa a lot of grief for being a sourpuss, but I have to say, she knows when to let others take over and when to stand her ground. That's a tough line to straddle, especially on this show. Dale makes a reasoned objection to Nikki's idea of wrapped figs, which gives Nikki an opportunity to interview about how nobody wants to be stuck with Dale on their team, because you know his finger is going to be pointed squarely at you the moment something goes wrong. Dale interviews that the people on his team don't get along (read: nobody likes him, but they have no problems with each other), and that he doesn't feel they are that strong as cooks. So in one breath, he's managed to combine disgust that nobody likes him with disgust that everyone around him sucks. That's some ability.

Time to get shopping. Half of each team heads to Whole Foods, while the other half goes to a warehouse kind of store. Spike intelligently sticks Dale with Lisa, knowing Lisa can handle him. Nikki, he says, has a tendency to get flustered, and would wilt if exposed to a teammate who debates and nags at every turn. Team Chocolate Chip doesn't have as much interpersonal stress, though Andrew makes the valid point that Richard naturally tends to step up as executive chef, and you have to have a strong voice to get your own point of view across. I'll spare you the pointless scene of flower selection. Supplies are purchased, and everyone heads back to the house.

9 PM. The chefs are dropped off at the Kitchen to get started on their all-nighter. I hope they managed to wedge in a nap before they came. They've got fourteen hours to get everything ready to serve their guests (125 per team). Lisa reiterates that the groom requested simple Italian food, and having no experience with that, she is relying entirely on Nikki. Team Audit's appetizers will be some assorted flatbreads and bruschetta. For the buffet, Nikki is making pasta again, and there will also be some mixed veggies and cheeses, filet mignon, Chilean sea bass, and some orecchiette with ragu (meat-based sauce). Spike is dealing with all of the grilled vegetables, Dale works on the proteins, and Lisa devotes herself to the chocolate hazelnut cake. Dale says he can handle his workload with no problem, while Lisa frets over any looming disaster that can befall the cake.

Team Ladybug divides up their work. Antonia is making two kinds of pizza, a pulled pork sandwich, and some short ribs with blue cheese in phyllo. Andrew and Richard work on the main courses, which will be Andrew's ill-advised crispy chicken, brisket, filet mignon, creamed spinach, and potato gratin. Stephanie will be making a dark chocolate cake with a cream cheese and lemon filling. She frets over any looming disaster that can befall the cake. These people must see cakes in their nightmares. Richard is handling the bulk of the meat. That sentence didn't sound so dirty in my head. He wants to make sure that his wedding food isn't as sucky as most. Stephanie starts blending a gigantic bowl of chocolate. Mmm. Antonia peels potatoes, army style.

Spike and Lisa ask Nikki how she roasts her potatoes, and the fact that she's going to shoulder the burden of responsibility for this menu finally dawns on her. She hurriedly says that she's "down with not making all the decisions", but it's too late. The second she happily bonded with the groom over their identical palates, she became Team Poison Ivy's ad hoc leader. Lisa is not filled with respect over Nikki's waffling. Dale, meanwhile, is doing the majority of the grunt work. And in one breath, he manages to be extremely proud of his workhorse attitude, while complaining about how much he has to do. Another handy ability!

Commercials. While it'd be nice to have a free camera drop from the sky, I worry about the collateral damage.

At 11:15 PM, everyone's doing well, but by 2 AM, the strain is beginning to show. Andrew says he'll be spending the next five hours making creamed spinach. "I am literally buried in spinach," he says. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK, I know I babble about grammar a lot. But I swear I would take back every jibe about "myself" misuse, every gripe about subject/verb agreement, and every moan about apostrophe torture if people would just learn how to use the word literally. Well, maybe not the apostrophe torture. That drives me batshit, too. But at least apostrophe torture is the product of carelessness. It's not a conscious effort to emphasize a point. I said in the short version that if the only mark I made on the world were to get people to stop abusing literally, I would die a happy man. Once and for all, unless you're carrying a 2000-pound backpack, you do not "literally" have a ton of homework. Unless your parents are crazed psychopaths, they will not "literally" kill you if you break curfew. And Andrew, unless you plan to have a leafy green coffin, you are not "literally" buried in spinach. Phew, I feel better.

Richard makes some suggestions for the spinach, such as adding star anise. Andrew tells us in interview that Richard butting in is bullshit, but it doesn't look like he has the stones to tell Richard this directly. Meanwhile, Dale is looking after so many components of the menu, his work is starting to look shoddy. Lisa interviews that if only a small portion of what you make is good, what's the point of doing the rest? Which is true, and if Dale were better-liked, this is where his teammates would jump in to help out. But they don't. Care to guess the valuable lesson buried here? I'll bet you know what it is! Spike actually does take over the sea bass, but not because he's concerned about how much Dale has to do. He takes it so that he'll have something to show the judges that came purely from him, rather than just a bunch of grilled vegetables. Nikki checks in long enough to figure out that she and Dale have very different ideas about what goes into a ragu. Does Nikki outline her concerns to Dale? Does Dale ask for assistance with his myriad of tasks? The answer to both of these questions is the same.

At 5:33 AM, we're into the exhaustion phase. Nikki says she's dizzy, tired, and dehydrated. Um, I think I know the cure for that last one. You're cooking all night, not imprisoned in a Soviet gulag. Some chefs get slap-happy. Andrew stops chittering. Lisa tells Antonia that her facial expression hasn't changed for seven hours. Heh. At 7:33 AM, Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Eesh, I wouldn't want to deal with this on a full night's sleep, let alone after an all-nighter. Ptom references Wedding Bell Blues, and hopes the challenge doesn't end up like that. On first viewing, I bellow a "fuck you" that fills Timiffany's house to the rafters. Lisa's almost done with her cake, though she tells Ptom that it still needs some finishing touches. Nikki makes another futile attempt to avoid being the creative force behind Team Pockmark's menu. Dale is so tired, he can't even remember what he's cooked. Ptom warns them not to dumb down their food, just because they have to serve 125 people at the same time. Sure, make everyone an individual rack of lamb shaped like their favorite animal.

His walkthrough complete, Ptom tells us that the chefs being exhausted will probably be a major factor. You think? He also thinks Lisa's cake is ugly and that Team Promotion has a harder menu as far as winning over a crowd goes. As time winds down, people pack up their food for transport. Stephanie says she's going to assemble the cake at the venue itself. Smart move. Lisa's is already assembled, so she guards it like the Hope Diamond, because if it smashes, she's hosed. Richard hopes to be able to say awake through the reception. I imagine having a chef pass out in the brisket is less than appetizing.

Commercials. I'm glad you're able to control your asthma, ma'am. Maybe now you can concentrate on the fact that you're just a silhouette. It seems a far more pressing medical problem.

Wedding. Forgive me, but I'm going to skip over anything that isn't chef-related. I'm sure the couple that scored a free wedding for allowing it to be televised will love each other until the end of time. The chefs have some additional prep time at the wedding venue, and everyone's tense and irritable. Stephanie assembles and decorates her cake. Ptom, Gail, and Padma enter just long enough introduce guest judge Gale Gand, who owns a restaurant and is a well-known pastry chef. Stephanie is not thrilled to serve a beginner's cake to the city's top cake maker. Wedding. Stephanie and Antonia move the cake out into the dining room. It's been decorated with flowers, and looks very nice, especially for someone with little to no pastry experience. Food is plated. An army of waiters enters. The reception starts. Hors d'oeuvres are served, starting with Antonia's short ribs in phyllo, which look good. The pulled pork sandwich with homemade pickle looks tasty, too, though the bride finds it a bit messy. The pizzas go over very well, so Team Happiness is living up to its name. Team Depression sends out their flatbread and sausage pizza. It gets some nods and approval. Dale's bruschetta, on the other hand, is really, really dry and crunchy. Guests can barely bite into it.

Everyone moves into the dining room for dinner, and the sun magically sets instantly. Richard girds himself for the onslaught of guests. Antonia says that she and Richard will work the line, Stephanie will run things back and forth, and Andrew's staying in the kitchen, and "not allowed to talk to the guests...seriously." Haha! That little beat is what made it genius. Dale complains that none of the people he despises and holds in utter contempt is helping him cook. Yeah, it's a puzzler. Richard fawns over the bride, saying if she doesn't like the food, it doesn't matter if everyone else does. Antonia serves some creamed spinach to a lady who says she herself makes a good one, and Antonia obediently makes a "Whoa, I'd better watch out, then!" face. Richard gives the judges some filet mignon with horseradish sauce and red wine syrup. The best sauce I ever had was made with reduced red wine, so I'm always excited to see one. He also serves his brisket, then sends the judges down to Antonia to serve Andrew's almond and basil-crusted chicken breast. Man, Kender was right. Enough with the breading.

The judges tuck in, and are immediately impressed with Team Unicorn's food. Ptom says the horseradish sauce is delicious, and he almost never gives praise that high. Not everything gets raves. As Antonia predicted, Andrew's chicken is not a crowd-pleaser. Gail says the breaded chicken was better in the Common Threads challenge, and Ptom points out that it was served right away last week, as opposed to sitting around in a chafing dish tonight. Lisa and Nikki serve their assorted vegetable/cheese plate to the groom. Two other guests grab some of Nikki's tortellini, which is stuffed with butternut squash, brown butter, and sage. Spike serves his Chilean sea bass, which is served with artichokes, capers, olives, and tomatoes. Sounds good. Dale's ragu is served, along with his filet mignon, which has a similar horseradish sauce to the other team's. The food is not nearly as well-received as Team Vacation's was. Nikki's pasta is too sweet, and the grilled vegetables were unappetizing and unoriginal. Dale's ragu gets high marks, though. Various guests enjoy both teams' food. Both cakes are cut. Lisa is practically bursting with a mixture of nerves and pride, and it's really quite charming. The chefs get ready to head home, and are hesitantly confident in their chances.

Commercials. I want to like Cameron Diaz. I really do. Why does she make it so impossible?

Judges' Table. The chefs fret 'n' sweat. Actually, this is more of a yawn 'n' sweat. The judges agree with Spike that a bride would be harder to please than a groom. Speaking of Spike, he and Antonia are congratulating Stephanie and Lisa for the balls it took to accept responsibility for the cakes. Stephanie and Lisa share an exhausted high-five. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Team Laughter to Judges' Table. They trudge in and line up. Ptom asks who chose to work for the bride, and Richard raises his hand, saying that the day is all about the bride and what she wants. That custom annoys me in the extreme, but as this is a super-sized episode and it appears to just be lip service in this case, let's not even get into it. Andrew is taken to task for making the same chicken he did last week, and for the strange taste of his creamed spinach. Richard accepts responsibility for the spinach, saying that the star anise was his idea. Andrew agrees that he wasn't happy with the spinach, and Richard makes a face like "Didn't I just stand up for you? Why twist the knife?".

It turns out not to matter, as Team Victory lives up to that name by winning the challenge. The looks of worry are replaced by big smiles. Gale usually takes three days to make a wedding cake, and was very impressed by Stephanie's quick version. Stephanie's teammates jump in to give her all the credit for a job well done. Aw. Antonia's pizza outshone the team that focused on Italian food. Richard's brisket was fantastic. Gale gets to announce the challenge winner, which is unsurprisingly Richard. Before they go any further, though, Richard asks if he can turn over his win to Stephanie. Double aw! Stephanie thanks him, and when she wins a $2000 gift certificate to Crate & Barrel, asks Richard if he just wants to share it. Triple aw! Although a thousand bucks at Crate & Barrel would net you about two plates and a measuring cup. Stephanie interviews how great it was that the team got along and respected each other. You know what that's the cue for. Padma asks them to send out Team Claire Danes' Career, which Richard sadly does.

Odd Asian music. Gong. Lisa's scowl has found its way home. First, the judges go into the division of labor. Lisa did the cake, Dale says he cooked all the fillets, made the potatoes, and did the pork ragu. Nikki made the pasta and the pesto sauce. Spike did the sea bass and the vegetables. Ptom asks who was "driving the bus" as far as the Italian menu. What is this show's obsession with buses? Anyhow, Nikki disavows any responsibility whatsoever for influencing the team's choices, and just as before, it doesn't do any good. She does admit that people looked for her opinions, due to her experience in Italian cooking, but says she wasn't "playing executive chef". Yeah, Nikki's screwed. If she claims she was at the helm, they'll make it her fault the team lost. If she tries to avoid being at the helm, they'll say "Well, why not, if you're an Italian chef?", and make it her fault the team lost.

Turning to the cake, Lisa says that the groom wanted something simple that wouldn't outshine the bride's cake. Although that gives Lisa a handy excuse to make an ugly cake, Ptom approved of the flavor, saying it tasted better than the other one. Lisa nods, knowing that if she can just keep her trap shut for the rest of the night, she'll be fine. After ascertaining that it was the groom's idea to have an antipasto plate, Ptom says that the big problem was that there was a lot of food going on, but a lot of it just wasn't that good. Nikki's pasta was dry and sweet. The pizza was hard. The fillet was overcooked. The horseradish sauce was flavorless. Ouch! Man, they're slamming down harder than usual.

When asked when and by whom the bruschetta was toasted, Dale says it was before they went to the wedding, and that he did it, adding "That's another thing that I did." The implication is, of course, that his food was lackluster because his mean old teammates saddled him with so much work. Spike picks up on this, and rather childishly tells Dale to go ahead and get it all out. Dale says that he hustled, and Nikki points out that nobody disagrees with that. Ptom asks if that means Dale thinks someone else wasn't pulling their weight. Spike again beats Dale to the punch in being as annoying as possible, and chides him to go ahead and point some fingers, since he's obviously longing to do it. Which is true, but... Let him hang himself, Spike. No need to make yourself just as obnoxious. Too late. Dale and Spike snipe back and forth for a bit. Spike says he feels like he pushed harder than Dale in the challenge. For an accurate response to that, please refer to Lisa's massive eyeroll.

Damn, I think she's going to pull a muscle.

Dale declares Spike's "pushed harder than you" statement is bullshit, which makes Spike whine that Dale is "such a little bitch, bro". Dale is completely asinine in this episode, and I wish Spike wasn't making it so difficult to be on his side. Nikki puts an end to it by telling them to stop, and telling the judges that she takes responsibility for her dishes. Spike "regrets stooping down to [Dale's] level". Lisa wisely stays silent. Gail asks if Spike wants to hear how the sea bass was. "Yeah, I guess so, why not?" he sneers. "Everyone really liked it," Gail says simply, and Spike gets a wide smile, as if he hasn't just been a huge douchenozzle. Dale gets a last barb in when he says the judges should have liked it, as it took Spike three hours to make it.

If Dale had just asked his teammates for help instead of silently seething, he'd have much more of a case here. And Spike just finished up being thoroughly irritating. But the thing is, and always was, that Dale can't have it both ways. If he's so much better than everyone else, and doesn't want to condescend to build respectful relationships with his competitors, then he cannot turn around and complain that they're not doing enough to help him. Yes, I said "respectful", Dale. Note I didn't say that you had to be best friends forever with everyone. You don't have to paint their nails, invite them to your birthday party, or even play pool with them. But if your constant attitude is "you suck", don't be all surprised and wounded when nobody pulls you out of the quicksand you've stepped into.

The chefs are dismissed. Padma and Gail agree that it was an interesting panel. They seem a little too delighted by the discord they've sown. Thankfully, they quickly move on to their impressions of the food. Spike's fish was good, but not enough to base an entire night's work on. They admit he also did the vegetables, which weren't very good, but are time-consuming. Ptom says Dale feels he shouldn't go home because he did the bulk of the work. Gail says he should have edited the list of what he had to get done. Please, as if they'd even think of getting rid of The Asshole this early. Nikki didn't step up to anchor the menu on her expertise, and should have. See? Back in the Kitchen, Dale is trying to rationalize how he acted, asking if anyone else wouldn't have spoken up about their "urgency" or someone else's lack of it. Nikki, not unkindly, says that "you can't point fingers at Judges' Table; you become THAT GUY. They are not going to look at you any better when you do that." Well said. The judges make a decision.

Commercials. If you like rocks, you'll love Texas.

Elimination. Team Rigor Mortis' menu was too expansive, and they didn't focus on individual flavors. Dale did the bulk of the work, but the judges didn't care for the bulk of that work. Nikki had the most experience with the menu, but didn't assert herself. Spike is lazy. Lisa is spared any criticism. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Nikki. Please pack your knives and go. Those Catch-22s will get you every time. She hugs Spike. Lisa sucks a lemon. Then... Dale shakes Spike's hand? And hugs him? Huh? Nikki is proud of how she did, saying that this is one of those experiences in which you test yourself, and she's glad she got this far. People have certainly been studying up on their gracious loser speeches. Nobody wants to be a Betty. Nikki is content to go home to her restaurant and family, and says she's a stronger person for the experience. Nice woman. And I bet her pasta is awesome.

Overall Grade: B+