America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 2
On the previous hour of America's Next Top Model: Mad scientists tuned in and diabolically planned to combine Sarah's lips, Coryn's eyebrows, Lisa's everything else, and Nicole's personality to make the most freakish monster to date. 23 girls dreaming of fame and fortune were sent cryin' home to mama.
Beverly Hills. The girls convene at City Hall because... Because... Because, shut up! That's why. The two Jays meet them there and congratulate them on making it this far. They're going to kick off the day by taking a guided bus tour of the stars' homes. And who's going to lead them on this tour? Robin Leach!!!! Eeeeee!!! All the kids these days love him! Ashley pretends to be a big fan of his (even misquoting his old signoff). Let's see. Ashley is 22, and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous was big in the mid '80s. That means Ashley the super-fan is claiming that she enjoyed his show when she was about 2 years old. Math is fun! Fugly Lisa actually scores a point by being like "He's still alive?" No, but they did reanimate his corpse for this episode. He passes around some champagne (and some apple cider for the minors), and Fugly Lisa swigs straight from the bottle instead of pouring it into a glass. Cassandra snots that Lisa is classless, but didn't want to rub it in her face. Looks like Cassandra and Fugly Lisa are so not going to the Winter Snow Ball together. The girls ride down Rodeo Drive, then look at some very nice homes (I don't know about 25 million dollars worth of nice, but nice nonetheless), finally pulling up to a very pretty, spacious house that turns out to be the model pad for this season. It's even got a hot tub inside and a pool out back. You just know the Cycle 1 girls are watching this, thinking about their cramped hotel loft, and saying "Fuck that shit."
Kim and Ashley share the honor of the first confessional, talking about how they're great friends. Hmm. Later, Kim is telling some of the girls about her girlfriend back home and how they have an open relationship. Sarah is extremely intrigued by this, even "kiddingly" offering to make out with Kim. She interviews that she doesn't know any full-blown lesbians, but she's very open minded (read: gay). Evening. Fugly Lisa goes into the confessional and says a lot of words that basically amount to nothing. Enjoy the camera time while you have it, sweetie.
Morning. The girls chat over breakfast, and Cassandra notes that her feet are dirty, so the house must not be super clean. To Nicole, this somehow translates to Cassandra being a "control freak". Oh, and that she's "overbearing" and "driving people nuts". Hey, has anyone seen my pot or my kettle? I'd like to compare their colors real quick. Some more girls complain about what a horrible, spoiled brat Cassandra is, but honestly? I'm not seeing it. I'm perfectly willing to believe the Texas beauty queen is a spoiled brat, but you're going to have to give me more than her calmly stating that the water in the pool is cold before I'm going to buy it.
Tyra Mail! It reads "Do you have much self-esteem? How much are you worth?", which will turn out to have absolutely nothing to do with the evening's events. Whatever. The girls are picked up by one of those hideous, white stretch hummers that some people are unsuccessfully trying to pass off as classy these days. Note to bridal couples and prom dates: they're not. The inside is tricked out in ANTM style. It looks like Barbie's Dream House exploded. Everything's pink and there's makeup everywhere. It seems that this will be their transportation for the entire season. Man, this season is swank. There is substantially more money being passed around than the last one. They arrive at a nightclub and meet OJ, who is decked out in a moronic pink blazer. He explains that they will be walking in a runway show that evening, and that all sorts of celebrities will be present. Sarah is nervous that she's going to repeat her clumsy stumble from the casting fashion show. Point for self-awareness.
Commercials. Oh, my God! Trident is now available with xylotol! It's about time! What do you mean, what's xylotol? It's... It's... It's shut up! That's what it is.
When we return, the party has begun. And wow, look at these celebrities. Tori Spelling! French Stewart! Miss J and Nigel are also in attendance. OJ tells the girls that they need to get their makeup on while the outfits are being prepped. Everyone starts applying cosmetics. Except Kim. Kim wanders around talking about how she's never worn makeup. She asks Ashley for help, and Ashley...doesn't. Ebony describes this "rudeness" of Ashley's to us in an interview, like, wouldn't the cameras have caught this discussion? Why are we getting it second hand? Ebony does help Kim apply her makeup while Ashley interviews that she didn't help Kim because she's in a competition. Kim whines that she can't trust Ashley, and we're supposed to feel all bad for her. OK, hold up. First of all, not helping your competitors gain an advantage is not a sign of rudeness, no matter how much you like them. Secondly, maybe Ashley needed to, you know, do her own makeup, given that time is short. Third, anyone who enters a modeling competition and doesn't know how to apply fucking eyeliner deserves what she gets. It's like "I want to be a race car driver! What's an engine?" I generally like Kim and generally dislike Ashley, but that was bullshit. Shut up, Kim.
Everyone gets dressed. The runway is square, so the models will cross at one point. Devious. Sarah describes her bad walk some more. WE GET IT. OJ introduces the emcee for the evening: Nate Dogg!! You know, Nate Dogg!! He tore up the charts! In 1996. I don't pretend to know much about hip-hop artists, but these are some weak ass celebrities. I half expect Charo to pop up at some point. Let's hit it. The show is fairly ridiculous. The girls are supposed to represent things like "spunky", "avant-garde", and "sensual" but basically all have the same type of dress on. The script reads like a third-grade book report, and Nate Dogg still bumbles his way through it, often saying the words pho-a-net-ti-clee. Kim has the worst walk I've seen in a long time. She's lucky Sarah's around to deflect attention. Ah, Sarah. She trips over herself. Sigh. The girls change into their second outfits. Sarah's out first, and trips over herself again. So that's three times she's fallen out of three times she's been on the runway. She's a shoo-in to win this season, don't you think? We don't see any of the other girls walk in their second outfits, because who cares? Sarah fell again!
After the show, the girls are in the limo cutting loose. Sarah is upset with her performance, and Kim says "You're a beautiful girl, what's wrong with you?" "You think I'm beautiful?" Sarah says. Kim assents, and before you know it, Sarah leaps across the car and starts full-on making out with Kim. Not a quick smooch. Long, elaborate kissing. Sarah is so gay. If she were any gayer, her name would be Gay Gayerson. I wonder what it's like to kiss Sarah's lips. It'd probably be like making out with a hot dog bun. "I didn't really think that was going to happen," Kyle interviews hilariously. "That's one down, eleven to go!" Kim shouts, and that was awesome. What's particularly nice is that while they're surprised, none of the other girls seem to have any moral objection to what just happened. We've come a long way from Robin, thankfully.
Commercials. Hey, Just Like Heaven is the #1 comedy this week. That's quite an accomplishment, given its stiff competition from... From... From shut up! That's what from.
We're back just in time to find Ebony and Fugly Lisa shit-talking Cassandra. Cassandra actually enters soon thereafter, and Fugly Lisa actually tells her to her face that they were talking about her, saying that she's like a perfect pageant-girl robot and rudely asks her to explain herself. I have to write Cassandra's response verbatim, because it's that cool: "You know how sociopaths don't feel emotions, that's why they can kill people without ever, like, feeling bad about it? Only I never killed anybody." Fugly Lisa is struck absolutely dumb, staring agape, and for a brief shining moment or two, Cassandra is my absolute favorite person on this planet. Tyra Mail! There will be a photo shoot the next day.
The girls are taken at 5:30 AM (yuck) to a fairly wide city alley. Should the sun be this bright this early in the morning? Maybe they had a long commute or something. OJ explains that they will be dressed up as superheroes, and will be doing some flying. That's a really cool idea. He introduces Mike, the photographer, and the girls "Wooooo!!!" like they know who he is. All right, let's get this out of the way first. The hair, makeup, and outfits on this shoot are all superb. Well done, stylists. Kim's up first, and I think she's prettier with longer hair (she's got fake hair woven in). She has some trouble on the harness. Kim bemoans her bad performance to her "friend" Ashley, and the response is "Dude, you were sucking real bad. It was incredible." OK, this time I'm on Kim's side. Shut up, Ashley. Ashley herself is up second, and doesn't do a good job either. OJ talks about both of them not being good, and...wait. Freeze frame for a second. Is OJ getting pudgy? He totally is. That fills me with joy. Time to lay off the tight T-shirts, oinker. We'll both benefit. Bre, Nik, Kyle, and Diane all do a good job.
Coryn tells us that she's afraid of heights. Dude, you'll be, like, twenty feet up. You don't get to freak out about that. Fugly Lisa is next and brags about how great she is. Shut up, bitch. It's now Coryn's turn, and with all the great makeup on these girls, hers is the best. She's got a sort of inverse rainbow pattern around her eyes. Very pretty. Her hot pink outfit isn't doing much for me, though. She's scared to death, and kind of sucks at the mid-air posing. Cassandra rocks out as an evil-looking character. I don't care what these girls say; Cassandra is awesome. If you'd told me before the show that I'd wind up liking the Texas pageant queen, I'd have laughed in your face. Then punched you. Then apologized and have taken you out for a beer or something. Nicole, Ebony, and Sarah are bland. Jayla's dressed as a bat. Niiiice. OJ gathers the girls and tells them that they didn't suck as hard as he expected them to. Aw, he's so sweet. Back at the house, Tyra Mail awaits. Elimination tomorrow. Everyone's naturally scared of being the first one cut.
Commercials. I often say that life should be more like a musical, but if everyone around me starts simultaneously emulating Shakira, I'll throw myself in front of a bus.
We come back to a pretty impressive portrait of Tyra as a superhero, and a new, fancy Chamber of Doom. Straighten your damn necklace, Tyra. She recaps the prizes. Zzzzz. Now the judges. Welcome back, Nigel. I missed you. Hello, Miss J. I expect you to be way better than that prissy Nole. Miss J is wearing a huge corsage made up of 13 flowers, and says that he'll pluck one off each week as each girl is eliminated. That's a tad melodramatic, even for him. The last judge is Twiggy. I don't know much about her, but there's no way she'll be as entertaining as Janice. She is very nice and pretty though. And you've got to love British accents. The evaluations will be on the runway show and the photo shoot. No final challenge this time, I guess.
Fugly Lisa's up first. I hate to say it, but she did pretty damn good on the runway, and her photo's cool too. She's less fugly with all that electric blue makeup on. Nicole. Her runway is unremarkable and her photo sucks. Nigel tells her she looks "wide" in the picture. Hah! Kyle. Eh. Neither the judges nor I really have any strong feelings on her one way or the other. Bre. She did a stupid horse trot walk on the runway, but looks terrific in the shot. She's got hands down the best pose of the 13. I don't know how she's bending that way, but it's extremely striking. Kim. Horrid walk, bleh picture. Ebony. I like her runway, but the photo is unimpressive. The judges tell her she looks like ET. "Those are my initials," she responds, which is about the best thing you can say in that situation. Do I still like Ebony? I didn't care for the siding with Kim during the eyeliner debacle nor the trashing of Cassandra, but she's not beyond hope, I guess. Diane. Tyra feels that she's got a very nice face, but tends to forget about her body, both in the runway and the photo. I'd agree with that.
Ashley. Her runway walk is too slow and slouchy, and her picture is awful. Even Twiggy, who's generally been complimentary so far, hates it. Nik. Her head is too bouncy during the walk, but her photo is really good. Even with the Vulcanish forehead pasted on. Coryn. Very nice, graceful walk. I don't like the photo, aside from the awesome eye makeup I mentioned earlier. Jayla. Awful, awful runway. She's pretty much feeling herself up. In the photo, she pulls an inverse Diane. Great body pose, but the face is kind of weak. Cassandra. Her runway walk isn't really good or bad, but what a bitchin' photo. Very impressive. Sarah. Do we even need to talk about the runway? The judges tell her that falling is one thing, but recovery is another. She's got to learn to act like nothing in the world could be more natural than tripping all over yourself. The photo's pretty good, though.
Commercials. I admit it. I like the nerdy lady who shrieks about her cell phone bill.
Deliberations. There is absolutely nothing worth repeating. Elimination. Blah dee blah. Loser goes home. Nik is safe. Fugly Lisa. Cassandra. Diane. Jayla. Kyle. Bre. Ebony. Coryn. Tyra gets a good dig in at her Groucho Marx eyebrows. Nicole is safe. Kim. Would Ashley and Sarah please step forward? OK, we all know where this is going. Ashley may be a not very nice, not very pretty, not very smart girl, but Sarah can barely stand up. Surely she'll be the one to go. This is so unsuspenseful. But suddenly, Sarah is safe! Wha? That was a weird decision, but it got rid of Ashley, so I'm not complaining.
Miss J plucks a flower off his corsage. Ashley tells the others to make her proud. A little late to start acting classy, but thanks, Ashley. She cries. I am indifferent. She does rightly say that although it totally sucks to be the first one out, there'll only be one winner at the end, anyway. True enough. She fights down her tears and heads out. And...Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! That's always good for a meltdown or two. It looks like Cassandra has a big tantrum, so my love affair with her may be very brief, indeed. Everyone hates Fugly Lisa. Especially Kim, who does a hilariously mean impression of her behind her back.
Overall Grade: B+
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