Nit-Picnicking

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 3

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were tied together to make sandwiches, then asked to make lunch for some ravenous middle schoolers. Amanda cheerily interviewed that she has no plans to ever put another chef's agenda before her own, no matter what team she's on. Andrea awesomely decimated Angelo's request with a single word, while Arnold spent several trying to make Kelly feel bad for having the nerve to take credit for her own idea. She barely had time to pretend she gave a crap before picking up the challenge win. Meanwhile, it looked like Kenny might be in trouble, so the Great and Powerful Oz engineered the bottom four in such a way that Jacqueline could be chopped for her terrible, unhealthy pudding. Pay no attention to those men behind the curtain! Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Home gardens are the big thing among our viewing party right now, and they're starting to pay off. This week, it was in the form of dip made with dill for dunking cucumber slices, all of which was plucked straight from the backyard. It went well with our usual batch of wine. Drinking Game Rule #3: Take a drink whenever someone ignores a helpful suggestion because they're all het up about following their own vision, or some such crap.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. The wow-someone-got-eliminated-and-now-it's-sinking-in interview that usually pops up in the second episode has held off until the third. They must really not miss John. Maybe he spent too much time writing in his journal, and not enough socializing. Amanda crabs that some of the other chefs feel like she should have gone home last week. She's trying to focus on the competition one leg at a time. Kenny crabs that he hasn't won a challenge yet. Yeah, well you also got shielded from elimination, so you'll forgive me if I'm not falling all over myself to offer sympathy. He reads a very encouraging note from his girlfriend, complete with Bible verse and the loving sign-off "Juicy". Heh. Angelo crabs that he's won three challenges, but being on the bottom of the fourth one sucked. He's mad at Kenny for not defending him at Judges' Table, because you should always stick up for the guy who's doing everything he can to get you eliminated and talks about you behind your back at every opportunity. Arnold crabs that people are already throwing each other under the bus at this early stage. DRINK!

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs walk into the Kitchen. Wow, Angelo must be really tall. They're met by Padma, along with Gail and a guy named Johnny Iuzzini that Tamesha thinks is hot. Sorry, no. Andrea tells us that he's a big wheel in the pastry chef business. Padma says that Gail and Johnny will be the hosts of the upcoming Top Chef dessert spinoff, which causes all sorts of hearts to sink. Both of the eliminated chefs have gone home for desserts, and anyone left who was hoping to hide from the dreaded course is out of luck. Johnny amusingly (and perhaps accidentally) condescends to the chefs by saying that in pastry making, you can't just throw shit together at the last minute and have it work out. Desserts take planning, organization, and exact measurements. Today's Quickfire Challenge will be to make a pie from scratch. Stephen is sad that he won't be able to make an impression, because dessert is not something he excels in. Oh, I'd say he's already made an impression. It's not easy to be at the bottom of every single challenge.

LabRat: "That guy is this season's Robin."

The winner will receive immunity. Interestingly, I never hear anyone say that the pie has to be sweet, so I'm not sure what's stopping more of them from making something more in their wheelhouse, like a meat pie. Padma gives the chefs two hours to get their pies ready, and starts the clock. Chefs scatter. Arnold gets pissy at Kelly within three seconds, because she has the gall to take the workstation that all of her stuff is already under from previous challenges. What bug is up his ass about her? Jesus. I'm more than willing to pile on someone who's being a dick, but they have to start being a dick first. Kelly ignores him, and interviews that she has some experience making dessert, because one has to know a bit of everything when opening a restaurant.

Angelo knows he's no good at dessert, and tries to play to his strengths by making a curried yam pie. Tim tries to wing it with an apple pie. Kevin is working on an impressive lattice top crust, while Tamesha loses her shit beside him. Lynne is older and more experienced than the other chefs, and tells us that she doesn't need a recipe to come up with a serviceable dessert. Amanda has apparently learned nothing from the previous challenge, and decides to make an apple pie, but with a bunch of bourbon in it. Tracey won't tell Andrea what she's working on, because she has no idea herself. Arnold begins to creep onto my good side by saying that pies are magical creatures like unicorns that are born in the clouds and just appear sometimes. Of course, he has to go and ruin it by carping that someone has taken his pan. If he could cut down on the woe-is-me-everything-is-someone-else's-fault complaints by a healthy margin, there's someone in there I think I'd like.

Alex works on an almond crust, and isn't sure what he's going to fill it with. He eventually decides on tapioca. That...does not sound good. Kenny inwardly laughs at Alex's thick dough. Ed hates chocolate, and smarms that Alex is a slob with no technique, and that his thought process is underdeveloped. Okay, then how about showing us what a ridiculous, overdeveloped thought process looks like? He complies by starting with a wonderful banana cream pie base, and then throwing a bunch of competing flavors into it. Tracey pulls her pie out of the oven, and tastes nothing but butter, so she attempts to whip together another one within the time limit. Kenny works on a Bananas Foster kind of pie, but in cobbler style. Stephen goes non-traditional with a curried apple/date/whiskey pie. I might be able to get into that. Time winds down, and the chefs slice their pies for plating. Tracey crosses her fingers, and hopes for the best. Time runs out.

Padma, Gail, and Johnny go down the line. Kenny's twist on Bananas Foster includes currants and Chinese five-spice. NOM NOM NOM. Okay, I'm willing to forget everything I said about him last week if he'll come to my apartment and make that pie. Amanda's apple pie has rosemary, bourbon, and a hazelnut crust. She pre-excuses herself by saying that she didn't acquit herself too terribly, given that she's not a pastry chef. Johnny doesn't let her slide on that one, telling her it's a cop-out to say that, because his grandmother wasn't a pastry chef either, but could still make a pie. Amanda is stunned into silence, and I send a giant valentine to Johnny. Stephen's pie is the aforementioned apple/date/whiskey pie, and has saffron in it as well. Gail notes a sour flavor. Stephen looks petrified. Kelly has made a spiced raspberry and dark chocolate ganache tart. It looks great, and Johnny tells her she's made a nice, smooth chocolate emulsion.

Arnold has made a kalamansi and key lime parfait with mint, sake sauce, and Korean soju. Perhaps he's hoping all of those exotic ingredients will distract from the fact that he has in no way, shape, or form made something that can be called a "pie". Angelo's take on a sweet potato pie has a curry blend that he's made. It doesn't look very appetizing, but then, I'm kind of off sweet potatoes right now. Tracey has managed to put together a finished product in the form of a blueberry almond crunch pie with some cream and almond brittle. Well, I like that flavor combination, but Johnny notes how runny the juices are. Tiffany has a peach cobbler with a cornmeal crust, molasses, brown sugar, and a buttermilk-lemon creme angalaise. Two things: One, you can certainly tell that Tiffany's from the south. Two, it makes me sad that the show has effectively ignored her so far, because everything she's made sounds fantastic.

Lynne has put together a very pretty mango pie with a basil and vanilla crust. Gail confirms that she hasn't made a basil crust before, but I can't tell if that's good or bad news. Ed has ruined a perfectly good banana cream pie with salted peanuts and a celery spuma (foam). He tries to make it sound homey by referring to his grandmother, and Gail mocks him by asking how his grandma's celery spuma was. Hehe. Alex has made a white chocolate, tapioca, and chevre pie with an almond crust and raspberry puree. Ew. He also included egg, which Johnny says turns his pie into more of a quiche. Well, quiche is a pie. Not that an egg and cheese pie would taste good on top of caramelized almonds and raspberry sauce, but still.

Results. First on the bottom is Alex, whose pie texture was off. Really? It was the texture that turned you off, and not the combination of, say, tapioca and goat cheese? Tracey's crust was way too thin, which led to a burned pie. She finds it as embarrassing to be called out as it would be to live in a trailer park. Ouch to everyone involved in that sentence. Ed's pie was muddled with a bunch of unnecessary and unwelcome ingredients. He doesn't agree with the assessment, and weirdly, neither does Tiffany. Now, for the top pies. Kelly's chocolate tart was beautiful, and wonderfully simple. Ah, another nice turn of the screw for Ed. I approve. Stephen actually manages to crawl out of the bottom into the top, with a surprisingly pleasant flavor combination. The winner, however, is Kenny, which I totally support. I had to restrain myself from licking the screen when his was shown. Angelo sucks a lemon. Stephen sucks an even bigger lemon.

Elimination Challenge. Fourth of July weekend is upon us, if not the chefs, and they'll be cooking/grilling a summer picnic for 150 Capitol Hill interns. Their food must be composed of a main dish and two sides, and that's really the only big restriction. Alex looks forward to it, while Arnold laughs that he's not a big proponent of grilling, as it clogs the pores way too fast. Hehe. Shopping. Kevin plans to make Puerto Rican-inspired barbecue. I'd just like you to know that the spell-check recognizes neither "Puerto" nor "Rican". Racists. Tracey thinks that she'll have no trouble impressing the judges if she makes her own sausage. Amanda elbows regular patrons out of the way, and we get a very strange, tangential interview in which she admits her past addiction to pills and cocaine. I mean, yay for overcoming and everything, but what an unnecessary aside.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs start on their three hours of prep time. Arnold wants to get away from the crowd of people doing barbecue by making a lamb meatball. Kenny recalls his late father and the grilling they did together. Cute childhood photos are shown. Arnold complains that he needs a sous chef to get everything done. See what I mean with that? For every funny thing he says, there are four whiny or self-entitled statements nearby. Tracey jabbers to herself. She has issues with time and equipment, and decides she won't have time to case any of her sausage, so she opts to make sausage patties for sliders instead. Tim has bought both ribs and pork loin. Cover what bases you can, I guess. He is utterly unconcerned that Amanda is prepping ribs as well. Angelo works on an Asian-style dish, confident that he'll blow the judges away.

Meanwhile... Drama! Alex finds that his food has been taken out of the oven, because Amanda was saving that space for herself. She exclaims loudly that she had, like, a piece of tape with her name on it and everything. Oh, that excuses her. After all, if your car were being worked on at the auto repair shop, it'd be fine for me to move its broken ass to the curb, as long as I had signed up for an appointment with the mechanic. God forbid Amanda, oh I don't know, figure out whose food was in the oven and try to work the situation out. It's much easier to just cheat. Yeah, I'll say it. Messing with someone else's food -- even if you had every right to the empty oven -- is cheating. Nobody particularly cares what I think, and Alex and Amanda are still screaming at each other when Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He asks Amanda what's going on, and she does her best to sell her case. It doesn't go well. Ptom asks her if it's general practice to call dibs by labeling the ovens, and she's like, "Well, it's my general practice." What a jerkoff. The rest of the Ptimewasting and prep is uneventful. That night, Amanda describes her dish to the rest of the smokers as they puff away outside. Everyone looks skeptical. She interviews that the others don't take her seriously as a chef. Don't sell yourself short, sweetness. I'll bet they don't take you seriously as a human. I sure as shit don't.

The next day, the chefs arrive at Mount Vernon. I've been there! It's gorgeous. Although I don't remember a herd of sheep wandering around aside when I visited. A row of charcoal grills is lined up on the picnic lawn. Everyone pulls on a Top Chef cap, and gets to work. Arnold reminds us of his inexperience at grilling, and surreptitiously copies Grillmaster Kenny's every move in getting his Weber started. Tim demonstrates his fire-starting for Tamesha, and interviews that the women as a whole aren't too excited about grilling. Just as WhiteTiffany gears up to blast him for his sexism, Tracey loudly shouts "How do you turn this grill down?" Tragically, nobody yells back something like "Look for the dial on the underside! Twist it to the left to lower the flames!" Various meats hit various grills. Kenny criticizes Angelo's use of Asian food in a picnic challenge.

The interns arrive, all smiles to be out from under a mound of thankless work and wandering hands. Games of netless badminton and lazy croquet spring up. Arnold's confidence rises a bit when he tastes his dish. Tim puts a special rub on his meat. Tracey is pleased with her burgers. The time limit runs out, and the interns swarm the tables. Ed resents having to put a cheery face on and to actually have to talk to people. I know, what a chore! God, why can't people just come to picnics, grab a plate, eat silently, and go? What's with all this laughing and socializing? It's Un-American, is what it is!

The judges arrive. Joining Gail, Padma, and Ptom is Jonathan Waxman, who you may remember from the most recent season of Top Chef Masters. I like him a great deal, but must still ask why Bravo bothered to put out all of that advanced press about Eric Ripert permanently joining the judging panel if he's only going to show up once a month. I guess to let people know that Toby had been banished, so they wouldn't have to avoid the show. That's certainly understandable. Jeez, I'm cranky today. Well, it's my right as an American. Yay, freedom! Plus, I'm a little hungover, so there's that. Let's get to tasting! Arnold has made a sesame lamb meatball with tabouli salad and garlic/rosemary gazpacho.

Tiffany: "Ah, yes. What's a summer picnic without tabouli?"

Tamesha has marinated some skirt steak in a caramel soy glaze, and serves it with a fennel citrus salad. Angelo uses the royal "We" in describing his Vietnamese lettuce wrap with a smoked egg salad. Alex has overcome Amanda's interference to make grilled pork butt with a lemongrass glaze, some polenta, and a cucumber salad. It sounds good, if only because I'm on a big lemongrass kick these days. Tasting #1. Arnold's lamb meatballs are a hit with both the judges and interns. Tamesha's skirt steak is overcooked, and thus a bit chewy. Alex's pork was done well, but the sauce wasn't the best. Angelo's dish is well-presented and has a nice, smoky flavor.

Tim has made pork two ways. There's a dry loin with the rub and some juicier baby back ribs. There's a boring vegetable medley on the side. As he describes his food for the judges, the nearby honking geese get louder... And louder... And louder... Until they completely splat his table with poo. Gail thinks fast and springs backward out of the line of fire, pulling Ptom with her. Padma and Jonathan just stand there. You're going to need faster reflexes if you're going to be a successful parent, Padma! Amanda has made grilled baby back ribs with asparagus and salad with a bacon hazelnut vinaigrette. Kelly's got a bison burger with a watermelon and tomato salad. Let's hope nobody got carted off to the hospital. Kevin's Puerto Rican inspiration has resulted in grilled marinated flank steak with beans and rice, and a tomato/avocado "salad". I put "salad" in quotes because it consists of a slice of tomato topped by a slice of avocado topped by a piece of parsley. This is a salad like Arnold's parfait was a pie.

Tasting #2. Tim's pork is good, but his sides are awful. One of the interns didn't even like his pork. The judges wonder if the geese know something they don't. Hehe. Kelly's burger is bland and overly simplistic. Amanda's ribs are way better than Tim's, and Jonathan is a sucker for grilled asparagus. Well, so am I, but let's not pretend that making tasty grilled asparagus is any great challenge for someone with access to olive oil, salt, pepper, and opposable thumbs. Kevin's beans are undercooked, and the entire plate is bland.

Lynne has leg of lamb rubbed with ras el hanout, served with zucchini "spaghetti" and balsamic onions. That sounds tasty. Kenny has marinated pork loin in harissa, and serves it with grilled eggplant and quinoa. Tracey's sausage is served as "Italian slider burgers", and comes with a tomato/cucumber/red onion salad and bell pepper relish. Tasting #3. Kenny's harissa was a good idea, and works well. Lynne's dish would be better if the cheese on top wasn't weighing everything down. After a moment of chewing, nobody likes Tracey's burger. Some have too much fennel. Some are undercooked. Jonathan thinks they're too big to be called a slider, which is kind of a silly hair to split.

Tiffany's made wild sockeye salmon, glazed with tamarind and served with Israeli couscous. Andrea has glazed skirt steak in a spicy root beer sauce, with potato salad on the side. Stephen has bacon-wrapped sea bass with a ratatouille and an olive pine nut couscous. Ed manages to put on enough of a social front to present his spiced tuna loin with lentil hummus. Okay, I don't like him, but that sounds delicious. He aims to be heartwarming when he talks about following in his father's footsteps, but comes off as smarmy once again, bragging about how easily he's surpassed his old man. Tasting #4. Ed's fish is refreshing and flavorful. Andrea's root beer glaze is too sweet. Tiffany's salmon is bland. Stephen's sea bass is terrible. It's stringy on the inside, and the bacon is all chewy. Once everyone's served, the chefs wander around sampling each other's work. Angelo loves Amanda's ribs. Tracey is confident in her own dish until she tastes everyone else's. The chefs pack up for the day.

Interstitial. Tracey claims to be clairvoyant. Nobody really buys into it, but her psychic readings are an amusing enough way to pass the time, so the other chefs enjoy it.

Judges' Table. The chefs chat in their fret 'n sweat until Padma comes in to kill the conversation. She summons Arnold, Ed, Amanda, and Angelo to the table. When they go out to the judges, they're told they have the best dishes of the day. Well, these four no doubt put out some great food, but it sure would be nice to have someone to root for. I guess I'll throw my tepid support behind Arnold. Ed's tuna was bright and bold. Arnold's lamb was full of flavor. Amanda's grilled asparagus was great, as was her pork, though her salad was unnecessary. Angelo had nice, crisp flavors. These aren't spectacular endorsements. I guess there was more to dislike than rhapsodize over in this round. Jonathan gets to announce the winner, who turns out to be... Arnold. Hey, my tepid support pays off! His only prize is to call his colleagues out to Losers' Table. Back in the Kitchen, he drops a quick curtsey, then tells Tim, Stephen, Tracey, and Kevin that they're in for some bad news.

Losers' Table. Stephen's fish was unappealing, the bacon was undercooked and chewy, and the couscous was greasy. Tim's vegetables were extremely disappointing for something so simple. Kevin's plate was safe and boring. He argues that the Puerto Ricans he knows would do exactly the same thing, and Gail calls him on it, asking if those people he's referring to are chefs. He admits that they're not, and Gail tells him that this is the part where he's supposed to step it up and create a more professional offering. Gail just gets better and better. Tracey says she's not surprised to be in the bottom, though she seemed happy enough with her food earlier. Her fennel was spread unevenly through the meat, and Gail's burger was undercooked. Ptom takes offense on behalf of all Italians. Okay, there's no need to take it that far. She made a shitty burger; she didn't spit on your flag. Jonathan tells her she didn't do enough to fix the mistakes she made along the way. The chefs are dismissed.

The viewing party erupts into spirited debate. Everyone thinks Tracey is going, but I argue that Stephen's almost made a career of coming in at the bottom of challenges, and it's only the third episode. Secure in my predictive abilities, I kick back with my glass of wine and prepare to bask in a sea of you-were-rights. Deliberations. Stephen had a bad idea from the start, and the result was steamed bacon on overcooked fish. Ew, that really does sound gross. Tim claimed to be a great griller, but didn't make anything distinctive. Jonathan's ten-year-old could have made a better burger than Tracey. Kevin's meat was fine, but the rice and beans were awful. The judges make a decision.

Elimination. Once again, the writers give Ptom ridiculous scripted wordplay that he simply cannot sell. Stephen's food would be better suited to a restaurant than a picnic. Plus, it sucked. Tim's food was watery and bland. Kevin's inspiration was nice, but didn't come through in the food. Tracey's food was slimy and uninspired. He gives it over to Padma for the chop. Tracey. Please pack your knives and go. Damn. Stupid underdeveloped predictive abilities. Padma wishes Tracey luck. Tracey thanks her for the opportunity as she hugs the other chefs. In her final interview, she says it was an entirely fair decision. She says everything I often wish other people would say: She honed her food skills, but neglected the emotional preparation one needs for a show like this. Losing this contest speaks more of a bad day than a bad chef, but that's the way this particular cookie crumbles, and she's okay with it. Really, it's one of the better farewell speeches this show has had, so I hope she can at least take some small comfort in that.

Overall Grade: C