Bite My Cockle

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 13

Previously on Top Chef: Cheeeeeeefs! Iiiiiiiiin! Spaaaaaaaace! Meals fit for the final frontier were prepared. Tiffany's mussels froze. Angelo won a shitload of prizes, while poor Tiffany was brought back down to Earth. Boo! Four chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. All the usual victuals, plus some wonderful salami. I don't know what it is about meat in stick and/or tubular form that elevates the viewing party spread to the next level, but there it is. Drinking Game Rule #13: Take a drink whenever Angelo says "heart".

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Well, there actually isn't one for once, because the chefs spend the beginning part of the episode getting themselves acclimated to Singapore after a short break at home. They reconnect in a local market, and after they spend a few minutes catching up, they're approached by Ptom and a man named Seetoh, who's identified as the "King of Singapore street food". Is there an earldom I could get in on? The chefs get up and accompany Seetoh on an exploration of the many booths and stalls that the food market has to offer. It's a scene that's fun to watch, and dear God, does it make me hungry, but there isn't much to report. Kevin says that no matter what the competition throws at him, he's going to enjoy the experience.

LabRat: "So let's go find some hookers."

At the end of the tour, the chefs spot Padma, and know it signifies a challenge ahead. Hilariously, they all cringe when they see her, as if she's the obnoxious aunt you can't escape from at Thanksgiving. Indeed, the chefs have arrived at the Quickfire Challenge, in which they must prepare street food of their own, using a wok. A ton of local ingredients have been provided. Padma is just bursting to announce the final twist: For the first time this late in the competition, the winner of the Quickfire will receive immunity in the Elimination Challenge. That... Is fucking stupid. Why is this advantage offered? To what end? I know they like throwing the chefs for a loop, but this really has no benefit for the audience. Naturally, the chefs are happier about it than I am. Padma gives the chefs half an hour to get their dishes ready, and starts the clock.

Angelo is very comfortable with preparing Asian food, and assumes an air of confidence bordering on the edge of arrogance. I've always marveled at people who say they know all about "Asian" food, as if they were masters of the entire continent and the gazillion cuisines cooked there. Everyone soon hits the first roadblock when they discover that the ingredients are marked in Cantonese. People have to choose their ingredients based on taste, which should lead to some interesting combinations. Ed obsesses over Angelo's experience, while Angelo obsesses over the vast abundance of ingredients. With five minutes left on the clock, he changes his mind and switches his main focus from crab to frogs' legs. After a mad dash to plate, time runs out.

Angelo is nervous, saying that his heart almost popped out of his shirt. DRINK! Padma and Seetoh go down the line. Angelo presents his chili frog legs, with pineapple, tomato paste, and a rambutan salad. Kelly has made a Chinese noodle dish with lobster, cockle, bean sprouts, and Chinese broccoli. Kevin has done a seafood stew with lobster, calamari, and cuttlefish, and finished it off with some mushrooms, ginger, and crispy shallots. That sounds good. Padma asks him if he's ever used a wok before, and when he admits that he hasn't, she jumps down his throat for not practicing with one during the break. He says that he spent his time studying ingredients, rather than trying to learn a new piece of equipment. And for all I've said against Kevin, and for all that I think that any professional chef should know how to use a wok, I'm with him on this one. None of the chefs can prepare for every eventuality, so he concentrated on playing to his strengths. It's a perfectly valid strategy. Ed has stir fried some noodles with black pepper sauce, steamed lobster, and gai lan (Singaporean asparagus). Eh. That sounds like something you'd get in an American restaurant dedicated to Pan-Asian food. It doesn't sound bad, just not very authentic.

Results. Seetoh has nothing but nice things to say about all four of the dishes. Angelo put a lot of nicely robust ingredients together. Kelly captured the essence of the ocean. Kevin made a complex, sophisticated cuttlefish dish. Ed infused his noodles with a ton of flavors. The winner of the challenge and its attendant immunity is... Ed. Ed is immediately all smiles. Angelo is pissed, which Ed is all too delighted by. Padma tells the chefs that immunity will play a huge role in the Elimination Challenge. Well, duh. That's why it shouldn't be offered this late. Padma keeps the crappy ideas coming by explaining that for this week's Elimination Challenge, the chefs will again be working as one team. Um... They do realize that this is part of the finale, yes? The producers are aware that this isn't episode four, where team challenges and immunity make sense? We're getting to the point where the judges have to discern very specific details of individual talent, and you're not going to find that in a chef with guaranteed safety or a dish that is affected by having to work around competitors' wishes and input. Horrifically bad planning this week. Angelo is understandably disappointed.

Let's get down to the details of this nonsense. The chefs will work as a team to cater a party hosted by Dana Cowin, who wants to see a multicultural menu. I can see why it's important to be in Singapore for a bunch of American chefs to cook for American judges at a party thrown by an American. The chefs will have to cook each dish to order, so no dumping a giant serving platter on the table and calling it a day. The chefs are dismissed back to their hotel, where they settle in to plan their menu. Kevin wants to work with cockles. Angelo waffles over chicken livers, while Kelly volunteers to make a red curry with fish and prawns. Ed is drawn to pork belly. Kelly wonders aloud if they need to make more than four dishes. "I personally don't think so," Ed says. Kevin agrees that if they weren't doing things to order, it'd be a different situation, but with the time limit, it makes more sense for each chef to focus on one thing. Kelly twists her mouth, wanting to agree, but visibly worried that it won't be impressive enough. Ed reiterates twice more that it really only makes sense for each chef to do one dish, and that's eventually what they agree to do. After that's settled, everyone just sits around tensely. Angelo interviews that everybody's hearts are on the line. DRINK!

The next day, the chefs put the finishing touches on their plans. They're still not wild about having to collaborate. Ed jokes about using the hotel jelly to make his dish, and Angelo tersely tells him he wishes that Ed would take this a little more seriously. Normally, I'd tell Angelo to lighten up, as Ed was clearly just teasing, but since Ed has that dumbass immunity, I'm with Angelo. Of course, Angelo then turns around and jokes that Ed should just serve a plateful of cilantro and bean paste, so what do I know? Ed obsesses over Angelo's experience with Asian food some more. Sigh. I was really excited for these Singapore episodes, but I've found little to like so far about anything but the tour of the street market. Speaking of which, the chefs head there to pick up additional ingredients, and must rely on the opinions of the vendors as to what the best product is. Ed discovers some fritter batter that catches his eye, and he decides on the spur of the moment that he's now going to do two dishes instead of one. Not that he shares this information with his "team". Angelo says he's happy that Ed has immunity, because it's a double-edged sword.

Tiffany: "You only think that because you don't have it."

Back at whatever kitchen they've been assigned to, the chefs get started on their one hour of prep work. Angelo whips himself into a hysterical froth. Ed needles him annoyingly, grinning in interview that he's working on getting Angelo eliminated. So far, all he's accomplished is a large need to shut the fuck up. Kevin implores his cockles to wake up. Kelly seems happy with how her prawn curry is coming along. Into this scene walks Ptom, and this is usually where I'd tell you that he spends a fair chunk of the episode Ptimewasting. But not tonight! Lest you think I'm warming up to tell you that Ptom's presence during the prep actually accomplishes something positive for once, it's actually the polar opposite. He's miffed that the chefs are only serving four dishes, and essentially orders them to double it. Got that? He's directly affecting the food prepared and the focus put into each dish, which he will then turn around and judge the quality of. What a douche.

Ed sucks up, and tells Ptom that he was planning to make two dishes all along. Oh, maybe you could find a couple of ingredients up Ptom's ass, since you seem content to root around in there. At this point, nothing about this episode has had anything to do with selecting a talented chef; it's all been reality show bullshit. So I don't see why I should spend an inordinate amount of time covering it. Let's just hit the highlights. The non-immune chefs are not pleased with Ed, but don't have time to make a big deal of it, as they need to get going on their second dishes. Kelly cuts herself, and leaks blood all over the floor. Time runs out.

Interstitial. The chefs go prawn fishing, which looks like all kinds of fun, though that's probably because they edited out all the boring parts of fishing, which is about nine-tenths.

The next day, the chefs head for the beach club where the party is taking place. After an additional ninety minutes of prep, it's go time. Angelo tells us that the chefs are cooking their hearts out. DRINK! Ed needles him some more. The Singaporean waitstaff enters, and Ed brings them up to speed on the menu. The judges get seated at their table. In addition to Padma, Gail, and Ptom, we have Seetoh and Dana Cowin. I'm blinded by the multiculturalism. Kevin's cockles won't open. They finally start to cooperate as the first orders come trickling in. There are issues with the waitstaff that mostly boil down to the language barrier, but the chefs are able to roll with the punches. The first set of dishes go out for the judges, who are wearing earpieces for some reason. Kelly has made a chilled cucumber yogurt soup with bitter melon. Everyone likes the bright zing it has. Kevin's clam chowder has "flavors of Southeast Asia", whatever that means. This is the dish with the aforementioned cockles, and the judges heartily enjoy it. Angelo's sweet-and-spicy shrimp broth has ginger and prawn dumplings. The judges love this one too, calling it complicated, yet comforting.

The next batch of dishes goes out. Angelo has a lamb tartare with a rambutan ceviche and curry oil. It's another hit. Dana doesn't usually enjoy tartares, but likes this one. Ed has sweet-and-sour pork, with crispy rice and potato cakes, finished with some gai lan. Also a hit. Ed douches at Angelo some more. I get the sense that we're supposed to find this mischievous and delightful, but honestly, he's just getting on my nerves.

Next batch. Kevin has done a 63-degree farm egg with pearl tapioca and some radish. It's his version of a congee, which was the only thing that brought me solace the last time I had the flu. It's another hit, and the riskiest thing Kevin has made in a while. Kelly has seared prawns in a spicy red coconut curry, and some crispy prawn heads on top. A guava salad is served on the side. More positive response, though Ptom is more measured about it this time. Ed has banana fritters with red chili paste. I'd be curious to try those. The judges are over the moon for them. Service winds down. Dana stands up and thanks the diners for coming to the party.

Phooey (as the guests): "Shut up, you crusty old white lady!"

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs are pretty pleased with how they operated as a team. Padma comes in and summons everyone to Judges' Table. Once they're lined up, Ptom tells them that they've put forth the best food of the season for this challenge. We get into the individual dishes, and it's mostly all good news. Angelo's tuna tartare was smooth, and his prawn soup was intense and bold. The only problem was that the soup was too thick and a bit too salty, almost as if it were a sauce instead of a soup. Gail tells him the flavors were so intense that it was kind of like a smack in the face.

Panny: "Luckily, she's into that."

Kelly's cucumber soup was terrific, but her fish had some texture issues. The curry was good, but could have used a bit more heat. Her guava/apple salad was nice and refreshing. Ed's pork was delicious, as were his fritters. His rice cakes could have used some deep frying, but otherwise, he's golden. Kevin's clam chowder was refined, but could have used some heat. Sensing a theme? His congee, on the other hand, was terrific. Seetoh says it could have used a bit of texture, but it's a minor quibble. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ed did a great job, despite his immunity. Ptom says that Kelly's shrimp dish was good, but didn't stand out. Here's where I would pause and ask him how he thinks her shrimp dish would taste if she had been allowed to focus on just doing that, instead of having to throw that soup together as well. Would she have done the same things? Would she have made it more complex, since she'd have had more time to think about it? Would her preparation have been cleaner if she hadn't been in such a panic and cut her hand? In other words, would Kelly's shrimp have been as disappointing if you, the HEAD JUDGE, hadn't had a direct influence on its preparation? Kelly's soup had some problems with its fish, but it was better than Angelo's salty broth. His tartare, on the other hand, was perfection. Kevin's chowder was elegant, and his congee was outstanding. Ptom thinks it would have been better with some herbaceous elements. Hang on, I have to go add "Herbaceous Elements" to the Awesome Band Name list.

Elimination. First, the winner. The theme of the season stays strong, as Ed sweeps another episode. LabRat is delighted. Limecrete is less so, though I admit that his fritters looked great. Now, to the bad news. Kelly. Please pack your knives and go. Crap, crap, crap. She gives the other chefs hugs, as Angelo begins to weep. In her final interview, she admits that the competition was a lot tougher than she thought it was going to be, which makes her thankful for what she has back home. She shakes the judges' hands, and tells them that she's a better chef because of this experience. Aw, that was sweet. She wishes she could have won, but seems as at peace with her elimination as one can be.

The final three are jazzed to make it to the finals. Who will win?!?! Will it be Lackluster Winner #1, Lackluster Winner #2, or Lackluster Winner #3?!?! The suspense is killzzzzzzzzzzzzz........... As the episode closes, Padma comes in and asks to see everyone at Judges' Table again. "Even me?" Ed says. Yes, even you, Ed. Being teacher's pet only gets you so far.

Overall Grade: C-