Tastes Like Teen Spirit

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 3

Previously on Just Desserts: Seth flew over the cuckoo's nest. His crazy bloviating overshadowed Erika, who quietly accepted her win, and Tim, who quietly accepted his defeat. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Once again, I didn't have enough time to lovingly craft a dessert in my kitchen. Once again, I substituted an unimpressive, yet welcome store-bought treat, in this case Double-Stuf Oreos. Once again, my contribution was blown away by something else at the viewing party. If you haven't had Zettie's Confections, order some now. They pretty much turn a bad day into a good one instantly. I'm going to have to really step up my game if that Almond Butter Toffee Crunch keeps showing up at the party.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Seth demonstrates yet more insanity, by asserting all of the following things within a single sentence:

1) Nobody here understands me.
2) I had a big series of meltdowns.
3) I'm not sure how to convince the other chefs that I'm not a huge, nutty asshole.
4) I don't care if I alienate everyone around me.
5) I'm going to cook in my own style, and thus totally dominate the rest of the competition. [This after cooking in his own style and falling to the bottom of two consecutive challenges].

So... Everyone else knows what you're about, but they don't understand you, but it doesn't matter because you don't care if they like you, but you wonder what it'll take to make them trust you again. How about a frontal lobotomy to start? Meanwhile, Eric is pleased to have done well in the last Elimination Challenge, especially given his mini inferiority complex as a baker in a room full of lah-dee-dah pastry chefs. He knows to enjoy the feeling of being lauded while it lasts, because you never know what's around the bend in this competition.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and this week's guest judge, Sylvia Weinstock, who's a big wheel in the wedding cake industry. I've seen her pop up on television before, and heartily enjoy her, although I can't disagree with Tiffany that her giant glasses make her look like Mr. Magoo's wife. Unsurprisingly, today's Quickfire will be to make a wedding cake. Of course, most wedding cakes take days -- if not weeks -- to put together, so the chefs will need a leg up if this season is to end before I can collect Social Security. So, even though the chefs only have an hour and a half, they're helped by the fact that the base sheet cakes are already done for them. No baking necessary. So basically, this is a filling/frosting/decorating challenge. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go!

Everyone stocks up on cake. Malika doesn't have experience with wedding cakes, and is just making up her approach as she goes along. Heatherc just got engaged, and feels like she has an advantage, because she's been so surrounded by wedding cakes lately. She explains that the two traditional routes to take as far as covering them are fondant and buttercream. Our viewing party agrees that fondant can be molded into very beautiful forms, but isn't much to write home about, taste-wise. Heatherc promises that soaking the cake layers in syrup before adding fondant helps add flavor. Danielle is the Shark to Heatherc's Jet, saying that as far as taste goes, buttercream blows fondant out of the water. Seth, like Malika, doesn't have any experience with wedding cakes. Unlike Malika, he's not even going to attempt anything. He says he's just going to make a little plated dessert and call it an "engagement cake". I'm sure that'll end well for him, just like ignoring the penny candy in the penny candy Quickfire worked out so well for Heatherc. Danielle hears him explaining his approach to the crew, and a look of pure disgust takes over her face. She hilariously interviews that Seth's "style" doesn't include cupcakes or chocolate or wedding cakes, so she's not really sure what he's ever done. Ha!

Erika soothingly talks to her stand mixer, while Morgan enthusiastically encourages his. Heh. I love the idea that mixers are like recalcitrant pets or children that must be nagged or bribed into cooperating. Heatherh tells us that she made her own wedding cake, and is fairly confident, though the time limit is giving her some worry. Zac duhs for the slower members of the audience that wedding cakes have to be structurally sound as you build them higher and higher. Eric is horrified to realize that the cakes he selected were the biggest ones, and he isn't sure he's made enough icing to cover them. Malika's frosting is melting by the second, and there's not enough time to firm it up. Decorations start going on, but with the mad panic to get done in time, a lot of them are subpar. Malika's second layer is off-center, and when she decides to pull it off, it drags a chunk of the bottom layer with it. Oof. She hurries to refrost it, and as she does, Morgan carps at her for shaking the table, calling her "Shaky". She's in no mood for his sack of bullshit, and curtly tells him that if he'd like to talk to her, he's welcome to call her "Malika". Morgan backs off. Eric is unhappy with the way something is going, and lets out a stream of cursing that necessitates a full, three-second bleep. Time runs out.

Gail and Sylvia go down the line. As she waits, an unhappy Malika begins to leak some tears. Seth attempts to comfort her, but as with last week, Malika wants nothing to do with him, and hurriedly tells him she's fine so he'll go away. "I cannot control the tears," she interviews. Or perhaps: "I cannot control the tiers," she interviews. The judges start with Heatherc, who's done a white cake with vanilla simple syrup and a Nutella buttercream. Wait, I thought she was going to use fondant instead of buttercream? Maybe it's just her snowflake decorations that are made of fondant. Eric's traditional cake has pistachio buttercream and an apricot brandy filling. Zac's cake has toasted meringue on the outside, and includes fruit of the forest jam with chocolate ganache. It's really ugly. Malika's mood does not improve, because as she waits, her cake starts disintegrating. A big chunk of it has fallen onto the table. Erika's made a very pretty mocha cake with a Kahlua buttercream. Danielle's cake is spearmint green. It's got a cream cheese and lemon filling with strawberries and pistachios.

Seth tells Gail and Sylvia that he doesn't know how to make tiered cakes, so he's trying to pass off a little "engagement" cakelette. I don't know which is weirder: The fact that inexperience with tiered cakes shouldn't make a huge difference when the tiers are provided for you, or that Seth's Quickfire offering is clearly not what anyone has in mind when it comes to wedding cakes, yet he's almost proud of what he's made, rather than dissolving into a puddle of crazy tears. Wouldn't a meltdown here make more sense than one where his mommy's red hots didn't make it onto the plate? I suppose I should mention his cakelette's ingredients. It's a caramel chocolate mousse with Marsala apricot jam, and absinthe honey. As he crows about it being his favorite dish of the competition so far, the other chefs cringe at each other in embarrassment for him. Sylvia tells him he should have at least made an effort. Yigit has made a passion fruit, vanilla, and lime soaked cake, with vanilla orange Diplomat cream [basic pastry cream -- as found in cream puffs, etc.] and raspberries. Heatherh's cake is gorgeous. It's got lemon and orange zest incorporated into the buttercream, and is served with either raspberry or strawberry sauce.

Morgan has an Italian cream cake, with coconut rum syrup, cream cheese icing, and toasted pecans. Another delightful sounding cake ruined by coconut! I feel like there's a drinking game in there somewhere. Malika tries to rotate her cake so the damaged part isn't so obvious. When Gail and Sylvia approach, she begins crying anew. Heatherh, still raw from Seth's feelings exploding all over the wall last week, can't understand why these other chefs are so frigging emotional. Malika manages to explain through her tears that her cake has a coconut custard inside, infused with cardamom, vanilla, raspberry jam...

Tiffany: "And now my snot."

Sylvia and Gail try to be encouraging as they take a taste, saying that it's a learning opportunity for Malika. That seems to pep her up a bit. Results. Two of the bottom three are no surprise. Seth made no effort to adapt his style to fit the challenge, and Malika's cake practically committed suicide. It didn't, though, because as Sylvia reminds her, it's just a cake, not death. Eric rounds out the bottom three for his uneven layers and sloppy icing. He's horribly embarrassed. Now, to the top three. Erika's cake was delicious, and had nice decorative work. Morgan's cake was clean and lovely, and had a great filling. Heatherh's cake was delicate and elegant. The winner of the Quickfire and its precious immunity is... Erika. She's just as quietly pleased about it as her Elimination win. Heatherh comes off as a sore loser, interviewing that Erika's cake wasn't as aesthetically pleasing as it should be.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be split into two teams, and instead of the traditional knife block, they draw fake cookies from a cookie jar. Gee, I can't imagine why they feel they're not taken as seriously as savory chefs. The two teams are designated as "Glee" and "Pep" and shake out as follows:

Glee: Zac, Seth, Yigit, Danielle, and Heatherc
Pep: Morgan, Malika, Eric, Erika, and Heatherh

So, everyone I've ever chided for being an attention whore, kind of dumb, or a giant pile of crazy is on one team, while everyone I've ever expressed admiration, attraction, or sympathy for is on the other. Which team shall I root for, I wonder? Yeah, I think I'll be pulling for Pep. The team designations make more sense when the glee club and pep squad from a local high school come bounding in. I was about to winkingly critique the respective song and cheer they introduce themselves with, but then remembered my orchestral and acting performances from high school, and decided to give everyone a cheery pass. Hooray for everyone! The glee club is hoping to raise money for a trip to New York, while the pep squad would love to go to cheerleading camp. In order to rack up the funds necessary, the chefs will be squaring off in a good old fashioned bake sale. Ooh, good idea! Heatherh agrees, as a hilarious and adorable picture of her playing the harp as a kid is shown.

The chefs will have three hours to prep in the Kitchen, and thirty minutes to prep on-site at the high school. The school will be giving out 490 tickets, each worth a dollar, and the school community will vote for their favorite treat with their ticket. Got it? Every chef has to make something, and the winning team will score five-thousand dollars. Nice! Heatherh calls the prize money "icing on the cake". Boo! Bad pun! That'll be in the drinking game, too. The teams split up to plan their menus, trying to strike a balance between desserts that will appeal to high school kids, yet be refined enough for the judges. Zac assigns himself and his teammates to various high school cliques. It's not interesting enough to go into detail.

Yigit warns his teammates that the dishes must be kid-friendly, which gives Seth a fabulous idea. Why not make financiers? You know, those cakes meant for the French banking district? That'll wow those kids! I love how in Seth's world, "staying true to my style" gets translated as "completely ignore everything that's being asked of me if it doesn't fall directly into my extremely narrow comfort zone." Heatherc wants to make whoopie pies, but Danielle tells her that since Yigit is incorporating marshmallow, that would be marshmallow overload. Danielle advises her to make some sort of cookie instead. Heatherc attempts to work herself up to a point where she could insist on making something she feels comfortable with, but pusses out. She wants to be a team player, and agrees to make peanut butter cookies. Zac cautions her to do something interesting with them, like dipping them in chocolate.

Prep work begins. On the Pep side of the Kitchen, Erika's making a chocolate chip walnut cookie that she's been selling since she was a kid to hustle spare change from her classmates. Heh. Eric plans on a peanut butter Rice Krispie treat, because any bake sale that doesn't include some kind of Rice Krispie treat should be hurled into the sun. The rest of the menu is outlined, but we'll get to that when the desserts are actually presented. When Eric goes to get peanut butter, he discovers that Heatherc has taken the entire Kitchen's supply. As he and Erika discuss other options, Heatherc grins to the camera that she's trying to protect herself and her team. Zac eggs her on by reminding her that it's a competition, so I guess anything goes. Morgan hears this, and plots a quick revenge. He goes back to the refrigerator and takes every stick of butter, telling the other team that they're welcome to trade for some peanut butter at any time.

Eric, while not giving a hearty endorsement of this tactic, appreciates his teammate sticking up for him. Zac gets pissy because Morgan took a staple, rather than a specialty ingredient. Oh, but Zac. It's a competition, remember? Heatherc, who three seconds ago told us that she was protecting herself and her teammates, swears up and down that she wasn't trying to keep others from having access to her ingredient, and gives up her extra peanut butter to Eric. Thus the butter embargo works, and though I feel like I should disapprove of what Morgan just did, I frankly found it quite awesome. Though Eric now has access to the precious peanut butter, there's not enough to complete his recipe, so Heatherh suggests making a mixture of peanut butter and Nutella. Seth's teammates work overtime at keeping him calm and focused, actively trying to prevent him from... I don't know, stripping off his clothes and running around Kitchen yelling "I am Mary, Queen of Scots!" while flinging poo at his competitors. He's a little calmer than usual, but focused he is not, accidentally adding coffee to his batter instead of vanilla. So now it's a French coffee financier, which I heard is all the rage in high schools across the nation.

Johnny drops by to Ptimewaste. It's pointless, as usual. Nice to see that in this topsy-turvy world, there is some constancy. Time begins to run down. Seth robotically yells "Hot! Hot! Hot!" as he strides through the Kitchen with a scorching pan. He is exhausting. Heatherc's peanut butter cookies are just that. She has done absolutely nothing to take them in some sort of risky or interesting direction. Time runs out. Yigit posits that his team's desserts have more elegance, even if the other team made more bake sale appropriate items. Well, then it's a good thing the challenge winner isn't being determined by customers at a bake sale. Except for the part where it totally is.

Back at the lofts, Malika has time to stew over how she feels about cooking in this environment. Her restaurant just closed, and she's still in the process of a divorce, so this stressful, degrading experience is really tearing her down. She considers leaving the show. Normally, I'd be fairly unsympathetic to someone who thinks a televised reality contest will be all hearts and flowers, but I get what she's saying. She thought she'd distract herself, challenge herself, get her name out there, and maybe hone her pastry skills, and instead has found herself in a place where she's unhappy with everything she makes, and is forced to interact with a screaming kook. I don't really blame her for having doubts. Meanwhile, Morgan and Seth are re-forming their manly, heterosexual bond. Seth is ready to blow the doors off this motherfuckin' pastry competition, yo!

The next day, the chefs hurry into the gym at the high school for their half hour of setup. After some frantic cutting and plating, the sale begins. Everyone gets to taste the desserts before voting with their tickets, which I'm happy to hear. We wouldn't want the winner to be the dish that appeared to be the best, and turned out to suck. Malika thrives when she's surrounded by excited children, and it's nice to see her mood improve. I don't know why I feel so protective of her, but there it is. The glee club and pep squad enter. Morgan tells the cheerleaders that they win if the Pep team wins, so they should get out there and help sell. Heh. Way to turn the Cheerleader Allure to your advantage. Seth plates at the back of his team, not wanting to interact with the kids, because he says he'll curse too much. While limiting his access to American youth is an excellent idea, I don't think asking him to pull himself together for two hours is overreaching, so let's go ahead and toss Talking To Potential Customers on the ever-growing hill of things Seth refuses to attempt.

Treats are dispersed. Tickets are collected. The judges come in to sample everything. In addition to Gail, Johnny, and Sylvia, Dannielle is back on the panel this week. Johnny is wearing a print shirt that he can't quite get away with. The Pep team is up first. Erika's made the aforementioned chunky chocolate chip walnut cookie, and tells the judges that this is the perfect opportunity to share an old family recipe with the community. Eric's peanut butter Rice Krispie treats have the Nutella mixed in, as promised, with a chocolate glaze on top. Morgan's black-and-white cupcakes have vanilla bean icing on cake, with milk chocolate cocoa nibs on top. Malika has fudge brownies with toffee. Anything with toffee can pretty much coast to Limecrete's Pick of the Week with little effort. Heather's made a sandwich cookie, with powdered sugar-dusted butter cookies on the outside, and chocolate and dulce de leche cream on the inside. A raspberry perches atop each one. Tasting. Erika's cookie is well-baked.

LabRat: "Not unlike the judges."

Eric's Rice Krispie treats have great texture. Malika's brownies also get positive reviews on that front. A kid with frosting smeared all over his face compliments Morgan's cupcakes. Off to the Glee team. Zac has strawberry shortcake, with rainbow sprinkles on top. I can't hear the phrase "strawberry shortcake" without thinking of that outrageous hat. Zac could have sold the shit out of his desserts if he had one of those. Heatherc has made a peanut butter cookie. There's literally nothing more to say about it. Yigit has made chocolate caramel pudding, with the "tiniest hint of ginger", some hazelnut crumbles, and bits of marshmallow. And bits is right. There's only a few little fluffs of it in each serving, and certainly not any amount that should have discouraged Heatherc from going with her whoopie pie idea, lest the gym be swallowed in a giant vat of marshmallow. Danielle has coconut cupcakes with salted caramel buttercream. DRINK! Seth's mocha financier with orange creamcicle sauce will surely be the talk of the prom. Oddly, the pink goo that Seth's been shown multiple times scooping out into shot glasses is never mentioned. It doesn't show up in the descriptions of anyone's dessert, and it's never judged. Weird.

Tasting. The school community seems to like Zac's shortcake, but the judges find it dense. Yigit's pudding leans heavy on the ginger. Seth's dessert has no place in a bake sale. Danielle's icing is good, but her cake is dry. Heatherc's cookie is fine, but extremely simple. The judges head off to tally the tickets. Results. It's a close race, with only ten dollars separating the winners from the losers. The Glee team has raised $240. A bunch of time meant to build suspense passes before the Pep team's number is announced. Of course, if they wanted to build suspense, they probably should have refrained from telling us at the beginning of the challenge that $490 worth of tickets were handed out. Indeed, the Pep team makes up the difference with $250, winning the challenge and sending the pep squad to cheerleading camp. Yaaaaay!

Phooey: "Figures. The popular kids get it again."

Top Chef is only heartless to its own competitors, so Gail announces that both teams are getting a zero added to their totals so that both school groups can go on their trips, free of charge. Nice! Not only that, but the show is donating five-thousand dollars to the school itself. That's super-sweet, although I wonder what happened to the five-thousand dollars that was promised to the winning team, as you'll note it's never mentioned again. This episode will not win any awards for editing, I fear.

Interstitial. Morgan charms the high school girls. Fortunately, it's a lot less skeevy than it sounds.

Fret 'n sweat. In Seth's case, it's more of a Freak 'n Shriek. The losing team waits in the back as the glorious winning team walks out to Judges' Table to collect their accolades. Yaaaay! Eric tells the judges that the five of them worked really well as a team. Gail tells them that the individual winner came down to three desserts. Eric's Rice Krispie treat was mature, well-layered, had a great glaze, and elevated a bake sale classic. Malika's brownies are complimented, and she gives credit for the base recipe to Eric, saying that she put her own twist on it to come up with the final product. Erika's giant cookie was the ultimate. Sylvia chirps about wanting the recipe. Gail allows Sylvia to announce the challenge winner, who turns out to be... Eric. Yaaaay! His teammates swarm him for a hug. After the celebration, Gail asks the victors to send out the losing team. Eric's win is applauded in the Kitchen before the Pep team sends the Glee team out to face the music. Get it?!?!?! Sorry, that was terrible. Although it does give you another opportunity to DRINK!

Once the losing team is lined up, Gail asks how working as a team went. Danielle answers that it went...er...better than expected. Ha! Subtle. Nobody misses that her tone drips with the notion that they somehow managed to get dessert plated without Seth imploding. She doesn't hint for long, though. She leaps right in and says that Seth didn't pull his weight, as far as interacting with the kids. Zac defends Seth by saying he did pull his weight, because Seth plated everyone's desserts. Danielle is a little lonely out on her limb, and Seth looks for validation by asking Yigit how he (Seth) did as a teammate. Yigit doesn't quite give him the answer he wants, saying that Seth was fine at the sale, but not exactly a paragon of virtue during the planning and prep.

Heatherc agrees that the team was disorganized in the planning session, bringing up the fact that she originally wanted to do something different. Yigit jumps down her throat, saying she wasn't forced into doing anything. That's true, and she should have stuck to her guns on her original idea, but she brought this whole thing up as an example of the team's massive failure to plan the menu effectively, and on that point, she's right. Heatherc's not assertive enough to say this, and just stammers. Seth spills a real gem out of his barrel of crazy, seething that someone's got to go home, so why can't they stand at Judges' Table and act honorably? Why, oh why, can't they be the pinnacle of maturity and grace, like he's trying to be? Hahahahaha! That was hilarious. Everyone continues to pile on Heatherc. I don't think she'd be able to order a pizza without inciting a mob riot. The entire team is seriously about a half-second away from a throttling each other, and the judges have asked one question. Dannielle reminds them that they haven't even mentioned the food yet. Snerk.

Finally, they get into the desserts, though that seems strange on a show entitled Top Chef: Just Paranoid Schizophrenics. Seth felt his financier would open up a wonderful new world to the students. Johnny nails him on this, telling him that he's got to get it out of his mind that his role is to educate the public. He needs to focus on making delicious food that makes people happy. Snap! He allows that the cake turned out perfectly, and Seth gives himself a little "Yes!" victory clap before Johnny reminds him that as a bake sale dessert, it was inappropriate. All Seth can hear is the waves of adulation coming from the voices inside his head. Heatherc's cookie was boring and uninspired. Yeah. She should have insisted on making the whoopie pie, but if she felt she had to make the cookie to get along with her team, she could have at least done something to it. Danielle enjoyed her own cupcake, but the judges found the cake dry. Zac's shortcake was fairly good, but sloppy and dense. Yigit admits his ginger had quite a kick, which is interesting, since he described it earlier as "the tiniest hint of ginger". Johnny tells him his pudding was the least popular dessert of the team. Yigit is not happy to hear that. The chefs are dismissed, and I take heart in the fact that there's no way I can be disappointed by tonight's elimination. Hell, chop all five of them.

Deliberations/Screaming. Deliberations first. Dannielle hilariously opens by opining that the losing team was kind of a dysfunctional group. Yep. And the Atlantic Ocean is the tiniest bit moist. Yigit's dessert had way too much ginger, and the crowd found it totally unappealing. Zac's biscuit texture was off. Dannielle continues the laughs by saying that the judges could almost taste the resentment in Heatherc's cookie. Ha! Well done. I may be coming around on Dannielle. Johnny says that Seth never plays it safe and stretches his limits. Um, I think there's a difference between risk-taking and challenge-ignoring, but whatever. Just as I think that, Gail essentially says the same thing. Johnny takes Danielle to task for "staying true to herself" to the detriment of the dessert, even though he just praised Seth for the exact same thing. The judges reach a decision.

During all of this talk, the losing team seethes in the back. Heatherc tries to explain herself. It does not go well. I want to feel bad for her, but her inability to get the simplest ideas across drives me up the wall. On the other hand, Yigit takes a condescending, disappointed-dad tone with her that makes me want to smack him. Seth again bemoans the fact that they couldn't fall on the sword together as a team, which makes Danielle snap. She tells Seth he's a piece of shit. That he didn't stay in the back in a noble attempt to help his teammates, but to avoid any responsibility for interacting with the kids. What she wants to say, and is too angry to ever spit out, is that he has a hell of a nerve whining about poor behavior at Judges' Table, when he spent last week screaming in people's faces and telling them to suck it. All Seth can really respond with is that the judges liked his food more than hers. Which is true and which has nothing to do with anything she just said. Feel free to keep on staying in your comfort zone, Seth. You've only been in the bottom of four challenges in a row. Things couldn't be better! Heatherh shakes her head, like, "How have I found myself in a room full of infants?"

Elimination. All five of these people suck for a different reason. They're a rainbow of suck. Unfortunately, we can only cleave one of them, so let's go over to Gail for the chop. Heatherc. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. In her final interview, she employs her complete inability to communicate once more by saying that it's not fair that she be eliminated because it was a bake sale and a team challenge, and she "exhibited both of those". Yeah, and you sucked at them. Whatevs, lady. When you get married, see if you can manage the "I do" without falling down a well.

Overall Grade: B+