Flaming Queens

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 4

Previously on Just Desserts: Malika considered fleeing the insanity of the Top Chef house for the lesser insanity of divorce and children. Peanut butter was molded into a double-edged sword. One side of it gently tapped Eric on both shoulders, dubbing him challenge winner, while the other side speared Heatherc's chances of victory. Oh, and Seth's big wad of crazy showed no signs of abating. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In addition to the usual spread, a happy accident resulted in not one, but two gooey butter cakes popping up at the party. No, that's okay. I didn't need a waistline, anyway. Next time you stop by St. Louis, be sure to pick up a butter cake of your own. You know, if you hate your arteries and want them to suffer.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Once again, Seth tries to casually explain away his psychotic breakdowns. It's "stress". It's "necessary to being an artist". It's bullshit. Boy just fell out of the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down. Zac interviews that Seth flips out whenever he encounters difficulty, and difficulty is...kind of the entire point of the competition. A glimmer of self-awareness peeks through when Seth interviews that his biggest weakness is psychological, and that his emotions can drag him down. See, there's hope! Over on the rational end of responding to stress, Malika is carefully weighing the pros and cons of leaving the competition. As she's told us before, all she cares about is cooking and her children, and this experience is handily ruining one of those things. Rather than make any rash decisions, she's going to stick it out for the time being and see how things progress.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and guest judge Gale Gand, an executive pastry chef at some restaurant or other. Gails aplenty! There is also a display of Breyers ice cream set up on the counter. Gail is plainly thrilled to introduce this week's challenge, which will be to make an ice cream sundae. Seth pumps his fist in victory, because as he interviews, he can make some awesome ice cream. It doesn't occur to him that there's a clearly product-placed, specific brand of ice cream sitting right there in front of him, so making his own is probably not in the cards. I guess he's hoping Gail's next announcement will be: "Chefs, we all love Breyers ice cream! Now completely ignore it and do your own thing!" As Gail tries to explain that the sundaes should have a creative twist to them, Seth asks if they get to make their own ice cream. Gail tells him that they will not, and off we go! Please enjoy the Psychotic Meltdown Roller Coaster!

We begin with a gentle climb, as Seth responds to... Well, it's not even a "twist", since the Breyers is an obvious component of the challenge. At any rate, Seth sees this as a setback, and we all know how great he is at handling those! He starts by trying to act amused-but-disappointed, like "Oh, well. Too bad, because I would have kicked your asses had the challenge been exclusively tailored to my strengths." Then he starts rocking back and forth on his feet, his head lolling around in all directions. He starts breathing heavily, like he's about to throw up. He starts muttering to himself and punching the air. Next time he tries to pawn off his insanity on stress, keep in mind that this impending implosion is his response to the fact that he'll be using ice cream provided for him. So stressful!

We get a rare behind-the-scenes look at the show, as the chefs go back to the fret 'n sweat room to wait for the crew to fully set up the challenge, and so that the chefs can ask questions and verify rules with the producers. Why this peek behind the curtain? Because the roller coaster car has reached the top of the hill, and it's time to fall. The chefs clutch paper copies of rules or something as a producer asks if everything's clear, and Seth asks the other chefs if any of them heard that supplies the chefs abandon would become part of the provided supplies in the pantry. They agree, but point out that they also know that the rule was changed later. It seems Seth threw out some paper cups, and the production will not be replacing them. Another minor setback. Down we go! He starts carping at the producers that the paper cups are vital to winning this ice cream sundae challenge, and he's not going to sacrifice his chances in this competition because EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS AGAINST HIM. We're never going to hear why paper cups would help in an ice cream sundae challenge, and I'd love to hear his loony reasoning behind it.

Zac reports that Seth started screaming and asking for his phone, passport (??), and wallet so that he can leave. Why this is being reported second-hand and isn't being shown is beyond me. Seth stalks out the door, and Yigit takes on that condescending, Disappointed Dad voice that drives me fucking bananas when he admonishes the other chefs to put all this behind them, asking everyone who's sick of Seth's shit to raise their hands. It's unanimous, and he's got good points. I'm just sick of his snide tone. A siren wails in the distance. An ambulance arrives, and Seth is shown flat on the ground. He interviews that he had an anxiety attack, and couldn't catch his breath. He fainted, so 911 was called. Once he's up and spry again, he tells us that the producers have not medically cleared him to compete, so he has to go. Yaaaaaaaaaaay! I never thought I'd see the day!

You have to understand, I don't watch shows where the entire point is to be a crazy asshole. No Survivor. No Big Brother. No Housewives of Such-and-Such. The reality shows I watch involve some sort of merit-based challenges. Who can cook the best? Who can race from this city to this city the fastest? Who can design the best cocktail dress? A fight here and there is fine to keep things spicy, but it's essential that a person be, say, a chef who has temper tantrums, not a tantrum thrower who happens to cook now and then. Seth is completely cuckoo, and while I don't fault the production for letting him in (I'm sure they didn't know how deeply his nuttiness ran), once it became clear that he's unable to function in this arena without falling apart, it became imperative for him to go. Frankly, I wasn't entirely sure the production would do that, either by force or by elimination, and I'm pleased as punch to see that they have their limits. Bye, Seth! Turns out those paper cups were intrinsic to your chances in the competition!

Johnny comes in to talk to the other chefs, and tells them what has happened, hoping that everyone else can get back to the competition at hand. "We want to," Yigit sneers, as if Johnny has been chastising him personally. It's tough to be anti-Yigit at this viewing party, because everyone else here loves him. And if he'd stop responding to everything in a passive-aggressive snip, I could come around on him, too. In the meantime, he desperately needs to shut up. Needless to say, the chefs chatter a lot about Seth's ouster, but all I'll report is that they wish him the best. As long as the best is far, far away from them. I'll drink to that. So... There's this Quickfire. The ice cream sundaes, remember? Each chef pulls a scoop with a ribbon attached to determine the flavor they'll be working with:

Morgan - Mint Chocolate Chip
Yigit - Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Erika - Chocolate
Zac - Cherry Vanilla
Danielle - Rocky Road
Eric - Natural Vanilla
Heatherh - Vanilla Fudge Twirl
Malika - Cookies & Cream

I'm disappointed not to see my favorite Breyers flavor: Half vanilla bean, half Dutch cocoa. Now there's a sundae I could get behind. And do. The chefs have half an hour to put their creations together, and the winner gets some sweet, sweet immunity. Ready? Go!

Chefs scatter. Eric's not entirely down with the whole wacky sundae idea, and hopes that sticking to good flavor will pull him through. Malika is reminded via Seth's flameout that things could be a whole lot worse, and decides to just have fun with it. Morgan tells us that Sunday is the day he gets to spend with his son, so he's throwing together all of the kid's favorites, from the mint chocolate chip ice cream to Oreos. Yigit hopes to incorporate the flavors he knows from Turkey into a very American kind of ice cream. Time winds down, and the Gails enter. They need to pull Gael Greene in from Top Chef: Masters and just go all out on the Gail party. Rather than the judges going down the line, the chefs bring their sundaes up one by one. Maybe everyone was allowed to keep things chilled while they waited their turn.

Zac has a "Black Forest is burning" sundae with deep-fried, panko-battered cherry vanilla ice cream. Erika has made chocolate banana s'mores, with a frangelico sundae. Morgan actually chokes up a bit when he describes the inspiration for his sundae. He's got an Oreo, mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich alongside a glass of chocolate milk. It looks good, and makes me wish I were a bigger fan of mint. Eric has topped his vanilla ice cream with sauteed peaches, brandy, and a brown sugar/butter crisp. Yigit has a chocolate chip cookie dough sundae with peanut butter and s'mores. Dude really likes his marshmallow. Danielle has done a layered sundae that's half rocky road, half Neapolitan, with toasted almonds and meringue.

Results. Wait, "results"? At the viewing party, I clearly remember seeing Heatherh present her sundae, because she had that cute little ice cream ribbon tied in her hair. And I remember Danielle interviewing about how she wanted to open an ice cream shop of her own. Where's that footage? I'm recapping this from the iTunes broadcast, and if they're chopping out sections of the show I'm actually paying to rewatch, I'm going to be mad.

The bottom three starts off with Eric, whose sundae may have tasted fine, but was too simple. Danielle's Neapolitan reference didn't come through. Erika's sundae was too standard. In other words, everyone's sundae was delicious, and they had to split hairs to get a bottom three. Now, to the top three. Zac's idea to use panko was extremely creative. Yigit's combination of ganache and sauce was "fun to eat", and Morgan had nice, contrasting textures and temperatures. The winner of the challenge and immunity is... Morgan. He tears up again in interview about how great it is to have someone like his sundae as much as his son hopefully would. Well, that's sweet.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be split into three teams of three, which will be difficult with eight chefs. Gail announces that someone will be rejoining them to fill Seth's spot. The chefs all turn towards the door, and Heatherc appears, back in and ready to win! The chefs all clap happily, including the ones who practically socked her in the jaw last week. I wonder how they were able to get her back so quickly. Maybe there was a long lag between Quickfire and Elimination so they could reinstate her. She interviews that she went home too early to show her strengths, and she's happy she's gotten this second chance. She's still got that bandage on her forehead.

LabRat: "That's why Seth had to leave. He stabbed her in the face."

Morgan, Yigit, and Zac get to be team captains, since they were the top three of the Quickfire. The teams shake out to be:

Morgan/Heatherh/Eric
Yigit/Erika/Danielle
Zac/Malika/Heatherc

Once again, it takes little to no effort to decide which team I'm rooting for. More missing footage of how Morgan picked his team because they have varying strengths. I'm amazed I'm able to peer through the wine haze and screaming viewing party members to pull these missing bits out of my ass four days later. Go, me! Gail tells the chefs that they'll be attending a performance by a local troupe of performance artists, who are fine, but basically a third-rate version of Cirque de Soleil. The chefs will be drawing experience from the show to make their desserts, which will be served at a party for the troupe members and guests. Each team must present something flaming. At this point, Gail makes sure to spell out that she means the food must be on fire, lest things get super gay in here. Each team must also put forth a magnificent showpiece dessert. Something that will wow the eye. Everyone on the team is responsible for putting his or her own stamp on an individual dessert. As Gail sends everyone on their way, Eric interviews about how overwhelming the challenge is. Yeah, it's a lot to get done.

That night, the chefs take in the show. Just think of the first thing that pops into your head when I say "fire clowns". Whatever you're thinking? That's the show. Once it's over, the chefs head back to the Kitchen to plan their menus. Heatherh volunteers to do the showpiece for her team. Morgan shrugs in interview about how she's free to do it, though it's risky, because if it doesn't come out perfectly, she can't depend on immune team leader Morgan to take the fall. Meanwhile, Heatherc has not magically acquired the communication skills she lacked when she got eliminated. She's still having trouble figuring out her dessert, which does not make Zac happy. He interviews that she cannot function as an individual, which is part of the reason she got eliminated in the first place. True that.

Once the planning is done, the chefs have four hours to prep. Heatherh gives us the additional info that the showpiece must be at least two feet tall, and there must be three additional desserts, plus a flaming dessert. Team themes and menus are discussed. The themes are dumb, and we'll see the menus later, so let's skip it. Whee, I'm drunk with power! Zac is in charge of his team's showpiece, and asks someone to press his face hard into a bed of brown sugar to make a mold. I'll do it! He fills the mold with chocolate, and when it hardens, pops the face out. Okay, that's neat; he did a good job with that. Heatherc's meringues dry out, and she has to work hard to keep from freaking out. Malika interviews that she wishes Heatherc could pull it together, since they're in the midst of a team challenge. Jeez. Now that Seth's gone, other people's issues are coming to the fore pretty damn fast.

The next morning, Malika calls home. Hearing her kids probably doesn't do her any favors in the keep-my-head-in-the-game department. Speaking of problems in that area, Heatherc mopes on the couch in her sunglasses. Morgan goes over to talk to her, and she tells him that there's no joy in this experience for her. I feel weird defending Malika for having those feelings and rolling my eyes when Heatherc says basically the exact same thing. The key difference being if Heatherc was so unhappy being in the competition, why did she come back? Why not just say "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to head home to my loving fiancee," and leave it at that? What's the point of leaping back into the fray if all you're going to do is complain about how much you hate it, and by the way, drag all your teammates down with you? Heatherh feels pretty much the same way, but while I'd just seethe silently, she out-and-out takes Heatherc to task for wasting her second chance so frivolously. She tells Heatherc that she's letting her teammates down, and that she's being a spoiled brat, closing by telling Heatherc's retreating figure that she needs to suck it up. More missing footage. Something about how you can't get all down in the dumps about possibly being eliminated, because everyone's going to be eliminated except one person. Good (missing) point.

Over at the fire clown performance space, the chefs have two hours to set up. Showpieces are built. Yigit's team is still putting theirs together when guests start streaming in. In the final few moments, everyone hysterically plates their desserts. The fire clowns put on a show for the judges and guests. A lady spins around in a leather sling.

LabRat: "Big deal. I've got one of those in my basement."

The chefs do their best to stay focused on plating while people are twirling fire batons and swallowing swords two feet away. Once the show is over, the judges head for the dessert tables. Along with Gail, Gale, and Johnny, Hubert Keller is back on the panel this week. We begin with Morgan/Heatherh/Eric. Heatherh presents the showpiece, which is a giant chocolate sphere atop a pillar, with what looks like some spun sugar ribbons. Morgan has made mango panna cotta, with an acai fluid gel, and passion fruit sorbet. Heatherh has whipped up a triple chocolate chai tea mousse torte. Eric has made a lemon caramel roulade, with pomegranate sauce and candied kumquats. Isn't this the third or fourth dish we've seen with candied kumquats so far this season? Sounds like it needs inclusion into the drinking game. The team's flaming dessert is an almond cream, with spiced cherry flambe cooked in star anise. Tasting. Heatherh's showpiece is well-crafted, and Morgan's dish is visually stunning. The judges guess that Eric's sideways roulade is about as wacky as he's prepared to get, and add that Heatherh's torte is very pleasant. Missing footage of star anise seeds being found and spit out.

Zac/Malika/Heatherc. Zac admits that none of them has experience with showpieces, and it shows. It's just a collection of glittery chocolate shapes, although it's set off nicely by the face mold. His individual dessert is a banana creme fraiche cake with a red curry frosting, and handily takes the Limecrete Pick of the Week. I would love to know what that tastes like. Heatherc has made pineapple spiced with black pepper, and serves it with chocolate sorbet and meringue shards. Malika has infused a panna cotta with saffron, and serves it with feuilletine crunch and candied ginger.

Tiffany: "Feuilletine Crunch sounds like a wrestling move."

Their flaming dessert is a play off of Zac's Black Forest Quickfire entry, and is composed of dark chocolate creme fraiche cake, with flambeed cherries. Tasting. The showpiece nicely evokes the burlesque aesthetic of the event. Heatherc's plate is somewhat tepid, and the flavors don't interplay well. Malika's panna cotta is excellent, and far and away the best thing she's made so far. Zac's cake is creative, and the flavors work surprisingly well together. The flaming dessert works well, too. Missing footage of a Celine Dion lookalike chomping down in the background. You don't forget shit like that. Seriously, how much did they cut out of this episode?

Yigit/Danielle/Erika. Their showpiece is a sculpture made of towering circles with the centers cut out, overlaid with chocolate discs. It's pretty. Danielle has made a chocolate mousse cake, with basil ice cream, and chocolate shards. Yigit has made a creme fraiche and sweet lime Bavarian, with a Tonka bean and sweet lime sorbet. Erika has made an almond ice cream bar, with roasted pineapple on top. The flaming dessert is an almond citrus mirliton that has been flambeed with bourbon. The team idiotically decided to flambe all of their desserts before the judges arrived at the table, so they've got no actual fire to show off. Tasting. The showpiece shows a good translation from their inspiration. Danielle's cake is too dense, and the ice cream could use more basil. Erika's dessert is served at the perfect temperature, and the pineapple gives off good acidity. Yigit's dessert is totally girly, which the judges mean as a compliment. The fact that the flaming dessert was ablaze for everyone but the judges (and us) is disappointing.

As service winds down, Morgan notices that Heatherh has slipped into a moody funk for seemingly no reason. Heatherc is similarly blue. She interviews that she feels like Zac is just waiting to savage her at Judges' Table, and that she's squandering her second chance.

Limecrete: "She is totally going home."
LabRat: "Yeah. You can't have two Heathers."
Limecrete: "You can in the movie Heathers."

Interstitial. Eric is zen. The other chefs find it refreshing, because really, have you seen the other chefs?

Fret 'n sweat. Heatherc tells Zac and Eric that she doesn't know if she can handle another Judges' Table. What, may I ask, did she think coming back to the competition would entail? She strikes me as a perfectly nice woman, but she just doesn't seem to get it. "It" meaning "anything". Gail enters, and summons the Morgan/Heatherh/Eric team to Judges' Table. Once they're gone, Yigit sneers "We put so much more work into our showpiece, I'm sorry. It's bullshit. That's all I have to say." I've got it! I know why he keeps rubbing me the wrong way. The snide tone, the condescension, the rampant sense of entitlement... Yigit is Gretchen Weiners. Happily, he won't be making "fetch" happen tonight, because Morgan, Heatherh, and Eric have won the day. Yay!

Morgan's dessert was the best he's made so far. It was delicious and stunning. Heatherh's textures were spot-on, and her showpiece worked well with the theme of the evening. Eric is becoming more comfortable creating multi-layered desserts, and presented a lovely roulade. Gale gets to announce tonight's individual winner, and it is... Morgan. No longer can I wax intellectual about the rarity of people sweeping both challenges in an episode, because it seems to happen more and more these days. Heatherh sucks a lemon. Morgan is pleased to win, but realizes he'd better enjoy the thrill of victory while it lasts.

Curiously, his win is not applauded back in the Kitchen. There isn't really time to dwell on it, though, because Heatherh immediately snipes "You're WELCOME, Morgan," passive-aggressively, even though he hasn't even had time to really say anything. Then she shit-talks him with Yigit, saying that Morgan had time to concentrate on his plate, but Heatherh didn't get enough credit for single-handedly tackling the showpiece plus doing a plated dessert of her own. And perhaps that's true, but I have limited sympathy for people who whine at Winners' Table. You're one step closer to the grand prize. Morgan didn't get anything for winning the challenge. Practically, you've done as well as you can do, save a temporary sense of fleeting glory. Plus, it's not like Morgan took undeserved credit for anything. If she's going to bitch about somebody, it should be the judges. I could understand if she went into interview and said "I think I deserved the win, based on how much work I put into the set of desserts that ultimately put us on top," but to sit in the Kitchen and bitch at Morgan just comes off as sour grapes. I like Heatherh, but gracious, she is not.

Gail comes back to the Kitchen, and says that because there were hits and misses on both other teams, the judges would like to speak to everyone else. Oh, so they'd like to ignore team structure so that they can eliminate anyone they'd like. Thanks a lot, past precedent. The judges want to start with Yigit/Danielle/Erika. Why they even needed to speak with this team separately is a mystery, because all they want to mention is the fact that the flaming dessert wasn't lit in front of the judges. That's literally it. Riveting! The team goes back to the Kitchen so that Zac/Malika/Heatherc can come out for their drubbing. Zac's banana bread gets almost unanimously positive feedback. Gael says that it looked a little punched out, but it's a minor quibble. Malika gets similar praise. Everyone loved her panna cotta. But!

Before the judges can move on to what seems like Heatherc's certain doom, Malika intercedes, and asks the judges to eliminate her. This season is so fucking crazy. This contestant's too crazy to compete! This one got eliminated, came back, and can barely function anymore! This one wants to quit! The desserts are almost tangential at this point. Gail asks Malika if she sure that's what she wants, given that everyone loved her plate. Malika is certain that she wants to leave, rather than watching anyone whose heart is set on winning cut in her place. Gail sighs, and tells her that in that case, she can go back to the Kitchen and pack up her tools.

In her final interview, Malika says that she loves cooking, but has learned along the way that when she's in a competitive environment, she downright hates it. I can understand. I love cooking, too. It's fun, soothing, and is useful in terms of health and saving money. But if someone came along and told me to cook on a strict time limit with crazy competitors screaming in my face and demoralizing judging sessions, I'd high-tail it out of there, too. Back in the Kitchen, she tells the other chefs that she didn't think it was fair for her to continue without really wanting it. Good on her. I know I should be all "What did she think this was going to be like?" but we clearly have our answer, which is "Something else". I've got nothing but respect for her.

Overall Grade: B