The Devil Made Me Do It

The Amazing Race - Season 7, Episode 10

Previously on The Amazing Race: Rob outsmarted himself into third place. Kelly said something so undeservedly mean that from now on, every time God writes her name down for doing a good deed, there's going to be a little asterisk by it.

Istanbul, Turkey - 10:53 PM. Uchenna and Joyce leave the mat and head for their first destination, a train station where they'll see a bunch of whirling dervishes, which is a group of people in long flowing robes spinning around as part of a religious ritual. They also learn that everyone except Ron and Kelly will be getting $477 for the leg. They find the train station with no problem. The whirling dervishes are neat, and Uchenna and Joyce describe the ritual as "magical." They grab their next clue, which tells them to fly to London and find the zebra crossing made famous by a Beatles album. Anyone with enough trivial knowledge to tackle the games on the back of a Froot Loops box should know that this is Abbey Road. They come up with the name easily, and head for the airport.

11:57 PM. Meredith and Gretchen leave the mat. Wow, they bled a lot of time last week. They head for the train station while Uchenna and Joyce are just arriving at the airport. They find a Turkish Air direct flight to London leaving at 8:30 AM and arriving at 10:30 AM. They decide to book the tickets, but look for better ones while they're waiting. Meredith and Gretchen find the whirling dervishes, whom they call "wonderful", and head for the airport. They have absolutely no clue what the Beatles' album name is. Oy. What do Meredith and Gretchen do with their time? Stare at the walls?

12:37 AM. Rob and Amber depart. As he reads the clue, he refers first to the "devrish" (BZZZZZT!!!), then changes his mind to "devish" (BZZZZZT!!!). But hey, that's mean. He's just mispronouncing it. It's not as if he's insulted them. At least not until 20 seconds later. In the cab to the train station, Rob and Amber try to puzzle out what a dervish is. Rob surmises that it is a topless woman, and the cab driver gives the most awesome eye-roll in the world. When they get to the train station, they describe the ritual as "spooky." Shut up, Rob and Amber. It'd be like if they went to the Vatican and were all like "Nuns? Those are those broads who dress up like penguins and symbolically cannibalize their dead husband, right? Hahahahah!!!" There is not enough time left on Earth for me to enumerate all of the reasons why I detest Rob, but this is sure one of them. If other cultures are so inferior and horrible and beneath you, why go on a race around the world? Oh, because then you wouldn't have a camera in your face all the time, and we can't have that. Anyway, Meredith and Gretchen arrive at the airport and book the same tickets Uchenna and Joyce did.

12:53 AM. Ron and Kelly depart. Cripes, how long did Ron spend on top of that fort? Literally five seconds off the mat, and they're sniping already; something completely innocuous about how slippery the rocks are. They successfully beg money from the locals. I love this show, but they need to rework a few things, and this non-elimination penalty is one of the big ones. 1) Taking a team's money has never, ever, ever had the slightest effect on their standing later, making the penalty essentially pointless. 2) Watching the begging segment is really boring. 3) There's something very ooky about people from a wealthy country who can apparently afford to take a few months off work to compete in a game show asking for money from hard-working citizens of countries who aren't as well off. I don't know what penalty to suggest in its place, but change it. Now.

Rob and Amber know about Abbey Road. In their cab on the way to the airport, Rob shows the cabbie a piece of paper with "go fast" written in Turkish. That's a smart idea. Mental note for if I ever apply. Ron and Kelly get to the train station, and Kelly describes it being "like a dream." I think she's hit it. The spinners are very ethereal. They head to the airport, too. At the airport, Rob and Amber book the same tickets as everyone else, but then ask to use the internet, and discover another flight. This one is a Lufthansa flight leaving Istanbul at 5:50 AM and connecting through Frankfurt. The Frankfurt flight leaves at 8:20 AM, and gets into London at 9:00 AM, a full hour and a half before the other one. The only hitch is it's sold out, so they'd have to get on standby. They decide to chance it, and ask the agent not to let anyone else use the internet. Man, they're incapable of doing something that would make me respect them without adding on some asshole move that makes me wish they'd get hit with a brick. They decide to flaunt their original tickets to trick the other teams. Because trickery surrounding airline tickets worked so well for them last week.

Ron and Kelly arrive at the airport and book the direct flight tickets. Kelly asks to borrow the agent's lipstick which is a) gross and b) ineffective. No amount of lipstick's gonna cover up those zits, Kelly. Also, Meredith approaches and gives them some money in return for when he and Gretchen were on the business end of a non-elimination mugging. Sweet! As they leave the counter, Kelly spots the Frankfurt flight on a nearby monitor, and after researching it, decide to take the risk. Wow, good job with that fake ticket, Rob and Amber! I hear now that Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen learned of the connection too, but did not want to risk not getting a ticket in Frankfurt, but they don't show this on screen, so we're supposed to assume that they don't know about it. There's some suspense in the Frankfurt airport, but ultimately both lead teams are able to get onto the flight. I have to admit, that was well played, except for the attempt to manipulate other teams. Ray and Deana aren't here anymore, Rob. It's not gonna work.

London! I love London. I only spent a week there, but what a week. The Lufthansa flight carrying Rob/Amber and Ron/Kelly lands, and Rob/Amber get a slight lead, so they're able to catch a subway to Paddington Station ahead of Ron/Kelly. On the train, Rob and Amber meet Stuart, a very nice young man who's willing to do everything for them for the rest of the day. Yep, here's something else that needs changing about this show. They find the Abbey Road clue, which directs them to the London Eye, a gigantic ferris wheel. They have to purchase a ticket, go up in the air, and spot a flag under which will be their next clue. Ron and Kelly find the Abbey road clue, too, and are right behind them. When they get to the London Eye, they have a tiny spat about where the ticket counter is located. Up in the air, Kelly says she'll look for the flag after she gets an apology from Ron. Shut up, bitch. It'd serve you right if you lost the race because you had to throw this twenty-second hissy fit. Rob spots the clue, and Ron spots it soon after. When they get to the clue, they learn that it's this week's Detour.

The choice? Brains vs. Brawn. In Brains, you solve a series of riddles that will eventually lead you to 221B Baker Street, the home of Sherlock Holmes. In Brawn, you go to Battersea Park and move 5 160-pound boats. Rob and Amber choose Brains, then relax as Stuart takes them to all the places they need to go. Ron and Kelly choose Brains also, but fall a bit behind because they're actually doing their own work. The nerve! The flight carrying Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen is just now landing. Ouch. They learn that they other teams have been through, and are not happy about it. As the lead teams continue with their Detour, Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen get to the Abbey Road clue and then to the London Eye one. Meredith and Gretchen are a bit slow about it, as usual, so Uchenna and Joyce pull a bit ahead. Pretty much what you'd expect.

Rob and Amber hand their riddles to a man playing Sherlock Holmes. Hmm, I'm pretty sure Sherlock Holmes wasn't supposed to be 109 years old. He hands over the next clue, which tells them to go to the Millennium Dome. Stuart takes off, so Rob and Amber bemoan the fact that they're alone. Yeah, I'll be sure to bitterly weep into my pillow for you guys. Meanwhile, at the London Eye, Joyce spots the flag, followed by Meredith. Ron and Kelly find Sherlock, and make the decision to take a taxi to the Dome instead of the subway. Turns out to be a bad idea, as London is snarled with traffic. Uchenna and Joyce decide to take Brawn. In the best example this episode of Uchenna (perhaps unknowingly) imitating the locals, he walks up to a hotel doorman and says "Might you summon a cab for us?" in a lilting British accent. Hehe. I'm surprised he didn't tack on a "Hip, hip, cheerio!" at the end. Meredith and Gretchen also decide to take Brawn. Huh? What on Earth possessed them to do that? Last week, Gretchen could barely pull herself up a rope ladder and now she wants to move 800 pounds worth of boat? That was dumb.

Speaking of dumb, Rob and Amber arrive at the Millennium Dome and find the final Yield of the race. They decide to Yield Ron and Kelly. Again....huh? That has absolutely no benefit for them, except if they're trying to solidify a first-place finish. That's nice and all, but at this point, the goal is not coming in first; it's not coming in last. This decision has no effect except allowing the other teams to possibly catch up with Ron and Kelly. What they should have done, though it wouldn't have made me happy, is Yield the already lagging Uchenna and Joyce to try to knock them out of the competition so they'd be up against Meredith and Gretchen in the final three. Dumb. At any rate, they open the clue. Roadblock. This Roadblock is something out of my nightmares. You have to drive a (manual transmission) double-decker bus through a course that has a lot of curves in it. If you hit one of the cones, you have to start all over. When you're through the course, you have to back the bus into a parking space. No matter how bad anyone does at this task, it isn't even conceivable that they'd do as poorly as I would. I'd be at this all night, and probably attempt suicide after a while. Amber's not confident in her abilities to drive a stick, so Rob takes the Roadblock. He rolls over a cone, and the whistle blows. "What'd I hit?" he yells. A little girl on a tricycle. What the fuck do you think you hit?

Ron and Kelly are still stuck in their taxi. Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen are tackling Brawn, and it looks exhausting. Yep, I probably would have gone with Brains, but I'm a nerd who gets off on puzzles, so I'm not the best judge of which Detour choice was better. On Rob's 4th attempt, he successfully finishes the course. That is extremely impressive. Kudos. They take off for the pit stop: Potter's Field Park, right across from Tower Bridge. I've been there! Ron and Kelly arrive at the Yield. That taxi ride took forever. Uchenna and Joyce wrap up the Detour, and Uchenna attempts to help Meredith and Gretchen haul one of their boats. Awww. That's sweet, but it's against the rules, so he and Joyce take off for the Dome. They get the information from a nearby cabbie that it'd be much faster to take the tube at this time of day. I love you, Honest Taxi Driver. Meredith and Gretchen finally finish, and hop in a cab. Well, we know where this is going. Or not going. Back at the Yield, to their credit, Ron and Kelly aren't making all sorts of judgments about Rob and Amber's personalities because they Yielded them (right, Christie?). To even more of their credit, they're passing the time drawing cartoon mustaches and blackened teeth on Rob and Amber's picture. That's pretty much the first time I've liked Kelly, ever. It won't last. The Yield expires, and Kelly takes the Roadblock. Probably not the wisest choice, but Ron's taken five already, so it makes sense that she do it.

Rob and Amber arrive at the pitstop. Welcome, you are Team #1. The greeter is insanely hot. Well, the accent helps. Call me, greeter! Amber agrees with me, telling him he looks very nice. Dump that loser, Amber, and start something up with the greeter. Hmm, I guess that means he wouldn't call me, though, so never mind. Stick with your homophobic asshole fiancee with the annoying accent. Rob and Amber win an entertainment system for coming in first. Of course they do. Joyce and Uchenna have come in first twice, once after Joyce shaved all her hair off. What did they win? Nothing. Lynn and Alex came in first after being one of the few teams to take on that task that involved ingesting four pounds of meat. What did they win? Nothing. Rob and Amber have come in first several times, and to date have won: A trip to Monte Carlo, a trip to London, a trip to the Bahamas, and now this. There have been whispers of the game being fixed so that they can win all this shit, which I highly doubt. I think it's a coincidence. An irritating, horrible coincidence. They should totally give that entertainment system to Stuart.

Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the Roadblock, and Joyce takes it. Meredith and Gretchen come in some time later, which Ron notes by saying "Here comes the old couple". Ron, you're the final four teams. I think it's time to learn their names. Everyone sucks at the driving. Everyone yells at each other while the amusing Oompah Music of People Screwing Up honks merrily in the background. Ron makes a dumbass comment about teaching women how to drive that stopped being funny two seconds after it was invented. In 1959. Kelly finally finishes the detour on her 7th attempt. Again, far better than I'd ever do. She and Ron fight some more in the cab to the pit stop. Poor CBS. They so wanted this POW/pageant queen to be the All-American couple. People we could take pride in, and who represent all of our fine American values. Instead, we got a shrill, ugly harpy and her beleaguered boyfriend who can't stand her, and is getting pissier with each passing minute he's forced to spend with her. America!

Joyce finishes on her 5th attempt. Meredith finishes on his 7th attempt. They try to make it seem that Meredith and Gretchen are hot on Uchenna and Joyce's heels, but the sun doesn't lie. It is seriously pitch black as Meredith finishes the Roadblock, while it's still twilight as Uchenna and Joyce make their way to the pitstop. Ron and Kelly check in as Team #2. They hate each other. Yawn. There's some back and forth about who will be next, but it's pretty obvious. Uchenna and Joyce make it as Team #3. Whew.

Aw. Here come Meredith and Gretchen. They are the last team to arrive, and they are eliminated. They talk about how incredible the journey has been, and how much they love one another. Phil calls them an inspiration. Can't argue with that. I could have done with about 80% less screeching from Gretchen over the course of the race, and the only reason they made it this far is due to massive screwups by other teams. Still, they seem like good people overall, and they gave it their best. It was definitely their time, though. The final three teams do the traditional pissing match interviews about how they're going to win.

Next week on the season finale of The Amazing Race: Ron and Kelly fight. Really? Rob and Amber get stopped by the cops, and Uchenna and Joyce get a flat tire. Please win, Uchenna and Joyce. I'll be your best friend! And not just for the money!

Overall Grade: C+