The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model

America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 8

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Robin wore an ugly leather dress. Robin invoked Jesus to insult Elyse. Robin murdered the English language. Robin pitched a fit about her makeover. Robin called a prayer meeting to belittle Ebony. Robin believed it was God's will for her to go shopping. Robin refused to pose semi-nude. Robin was eliminated. Limecrete rejoiced. Only three girls remain. Who will be America's Next Top Model?

New York. Elyse and Adrianne celebrate Robin's departure. Yay! And as an extra bonus, we get a scene of Adrianne thrusting her boobs at Elyse while mounting her, then dry-humping her wearing nothing but a pink nightie. Remind me again why straight men don't watch this show. Adrianne and Elyse have no problems with fucking Shannon, who interviews that she is looking forward to expressing herself a bit more openly now that Robin is gone. Can it be that the vast majority of my hatred of fucking Shannon stems from her being under Robin's thumb? Let's find out!

The girls discuss being in the final three. Tyra flounces in and talks up Fashion Week, during which the two finalists will be in a fashion show. She takes them to meet Drew, a fashion show producer. Once again, we are treated to "expert" opinions such as "sometimes you'll have to wear shoes that don't fit." Fascinating. Elyse is as bored as I am by the speech, and begins to glaze over, which Drew notices, and doesn't appreciate. Well, come up with something better to talk about, ass. You're not exactly imparting the wisdom of the ages, here. After their meeting, the girls horse around in the hotel. All three girls. There are no disapproving glares or snotty lectures. There are no self-righteous meltdowns or catty sniping. Adrianne melodramatically interviews in a Snidely Whiplash voice about her eeeeeevil influence over fucking Shannon. Hee. She does seem a lot better now, but if that's so, then I don't really understand why Robin had so much sway over her. Was fucking Shannon scared of pissing Robin off? Scared of disappointing someone she saw as sort of a mother figure? Being blackmailed? Why couldn't she be herself? In any event, she's much more tolerable now, so it seems a safe bet that fucking Robin will be taking that modifier home with her. Welcome, acceptable Shannon!

The girls have some free time, so they go window shopping together, and seem to have a grand old time. There is a completely gratuitous shot of an art museum and a completely gratuitous shot of someone (a policeman?) sticking something (a bright red traffic ticket? a flyer?) under a windshield wiper. Hmm...so, that happened. Back at the suite, there is Tyra Mail waiting. Adrianne reads it wearing those joke glasses you haven't seen since the late '80s. The girls will be going to a fashion show casting at Baby Phat fashions, home of the incredibly boring judge Kimora Lee Simmons, who I scarcely mention because she never says or does anything remotely interesting. They will have to demonstrate a particular type of model-walk. It's some sort of angry clomping down the runway, which Tyra demonstrates in the hall. As each of the girls practices, Tyra voices-over about their limitations. She feels Elyse's heart isn't in the competition, Shannon needs to be more edgy, and Adrianne is too rough around the edges. What Shannon needs to do is learn how to walk with her freaking mouth closed or get a dentist to take out some of those extraneous teeth. Tyra says she has no idea who will win.

Baby Phat. Kimora and Miss J are "judging" the walks. I mean, whoever's not eliminated automatically gets into the fashion show, and these walks have no bearing on the judging later, so this scene is essentially pointless. Everyone's walk is fine. They're all competent, which is more of a compliment of Shannon and disappointing for Adrianne. Elyse has never wowed me with her walk. Shannon, wonder of wonders, actually walks with her lips together, like, FINALLY. The next morning, more Tyra Mail arrives. Elimination looms already. Adrianne and Shannon both feel they've worked hard and deserve to win. Elyse, always on the same brainwave as me, interviews that this isn't exactly a merit-based competition, that a modeling contract isn't a God-given right, and that nobody really "deserves" to win. Well, I'd say Shannon doesn't really deserve to win, given that she weaseled out of one of the challenges, but whatever.

The girls enter the Chamber of Doom. The guest judge today is Drew the fashion show producer, who comes across as even more self-satisfied during this segment than he did earlier. Ugh. The final challenge is to give a few poses, which again, seems to have no bearing on the upcoming decision. What's really important is what I'd call the final interview question. Elyse is up first, and does the worst thing you could possibly do in this situation by 1) saying that modeling is all about physical beauty, implying that Tyra is an idiot, 2) talking about hormones being the underlying cause of beauty, implying that Tyra got where she is by luck instead of by determination or being "fierce", and 3) giving a long-winded scientific dissertation on beauty to a bunch of fashion-minded judges who probably aren't familiar with any chemical compounds other than Botox and cocaine. Drew plainly hates her. Adrianne is up next, and says she wants to be a model because she loves the limelight, and has the confidence to pull it off. Fair enough. Beau criticizes her "goofy smile", which she has never used during a photo shoot or challenge, and is thus utterly irrelevant. Shut up, Beau. Shannon. All of her final poses feature the slack jaw or the axe-murderer smile. I'm sorry to keep harping on it, but it really is that noticeable. It's like when you catch a goof in a movie and can't help but focus on it every time you see it. Shannon receives what I think is the most unfair of the final questions, which is a bunch of inside industry trivia, such as three photographers who shoot for Vogue (which she would have no reason to know) and her measurements (which...yeah, she should probably learn those).

Deliberations. Elyse is snotty and is only right for high fashion. Adrianne is too tomboyish. Shannon is too commercial and "safe". In other words, the same criticisms we've been hearing from Day One. Drew particularly didn't like that Shannon couldn't come up with the photographers' names. It's just as much bullshit as it was three minutes ago, so stow it, you albino-lookin' fuckstick. Elimination time. The girls are all asked how badly they want to win. They all want it. Riveting. Shannon is the first to receive a photo. Will Elyse and Adrianne please step forward? Adrianne needs to work on her speech. Elyse isn't commercial enough and lords her intelligence over others. All good points. And...Adrianne receives the photo. Aw. Elyse bucks a trend by not bursting into tears. She spanks Adrianne, then group hugs her and Shannon. She is typically spot-on in her exit interview, saying she did come across as a bit arrogant and condescending, but that she had a good time, and is kind of relieved that the decision was made for her. Now she can toodle off and be a doctor. Thanks for making the show completely awesome, Elyse.

OK, we're down to the final stretch. Adrianne and Shannon go to get their hair done for the upcoming fashion show. Well, not "done", but more "maintained". Weaves strengthened, roots touched up - that sort of thing. Later that day, they head off for dinner with Tyra, Miss J, and Orange Jay, who is blissfully absent for most of this episode. Tyra welcomes them, and....what the holy hell is going on with Tyra's hair? She's got a single ponytail jutting off to the side. Tyra, Debbie Gibson called, and she is pissed. Everyone rehashes the eliminated girls and how much they liked or disliked them. If you're keeping score? Neither Katie nor Robin will be taking home the Miss Congeniality crown. After dinner, everyone dances around like complete loons (except Orange Jay, thank goodness - many thanks to the editors who cut him out of 99% of this episode). Back at the suite, the girls prepare themselves for the next day's fashion show. Adrianne is exasperated to find a zit, and Shannon excitedly asks if she can pop it. Hee. Shannon's all likable now! I never would have thought it possible.

Morning. A bunch of scenes preceding the fashion show that are frankly really dull. Basically, they get fitted and have their hair done in an atrocious poofy frizz. Tyra interviews (in an ugly outfit that makes her look like she was just rejected for the chorus of Newsies) that there is no room for error on the runway. No retouches, no additional shots, etc. Both girls are nervous. I'm afraid there isn't much to say about the show. Both girls do a fine job. The outfits are not as hideous as I expected them to be. The judges cheer. Later, it's time for the final judging. Adrianne and Shannon wish each other luck. Tyra blah blah blahs about what a long road it's been, and then it's time to do the portfolio comparison. Shannon's "best" pictures are the Snake (Episode 3), the Football Slut (Episode 5), the Sub-Zero Bikini (Episode 1), and the Parisian Wonderbra (Episode 6). I say "best" because none of them are that good. I'd give each one a solid meh. Adrianne's best photos are the Snake (I agree - it's great), the Sub-Zero Bikini (perfectly fine), the Football Slut (I disagree - it's not impressive), the Parisian Wonderbra (again, no - and the judges didn't even like this one at the time, so why are they calling it one of her best?), and the Nude Shot (Episode 7, and they're right - she looks fantastic). Overall, this isn't even close. When it comes to the portfolio, Adrianne wins by a landslide in my opinion.

Deliberations, sans guest judge. The judges seem to feel that Shannon "won" the fashion show, though Beau seems to favor Adrianne. We get the same limitations explained to us again, i.e.: Shannon is too safe, and Adrianne is too unrefined. Tyra says that she didn't expect Adrianne to make it out of the semi-finals. Ouch. The judges bicker a bit more, then agree to make a decision. The girls come back in. Heh. The winner's portrait is covered by a cloth, in order to make the reveal as dramatic as possible. OK. America's next top model is.....

Adrianne. To her credit, Shannon immediately turns and congratulates her. Adrianne's jaw hangs open in shock, and then she starts to cry. She and Shannon hug. Shannon interviews that she's very pleased with second place. And I'm pleased you managed to redeem yourself somewhat, Shannon. Adrianne does her victory yell as she hugs the judges, then:

Adrianne: "I don't know what to feel. I feel I love Janice Dickinson!"
Janice: "Well, I didn't vote for you."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh man, that was sweet. Can you believe Janice isn't going to be on the show next season? What a travesty. Adrianne gives us her parting words. The words that convey her emotions, speak of what she has learned, and describe what the future holds for her. The words we shall remember her by. Those words? "It kicks so much ass." Wow. Poignant.

That season completely rocked. Good photos, good challenges, good household drama. Very impressive debut, Tyra. And a hundred million thanks once again to Rood for the use of her DVDs. You are totally fierce.

Overall Grade: A-