Going Whole Hog

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: Brian "won" a Quickfire that incorporated the elements of jazz - such as how it often makes no sense whatsoever. For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs broke into teams, made whatever the hell they wanted, and pretended it was potluck food. Nina got into the top three yet again for her gnocchi...

James (with affection): "This bitch and her gnocchi."

...but Stephanie won for fried artichokes which looked so good that I ordered some this past weekend. At a BBQ restaurant. For breakfast. The thread that Patty's been clinging to since the beginning of the season finally snapped, and she was sent home. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. Another very New Orleansy presence joins shows up to judge. This time, it's gravel-voiced Grammy winner Dr. John, who mumbles around a mouthful of marbles. Padma translates that the challenge will be to make and bottle some hot sauce. Good challenge! I like hot sauce (in moderation), and feel like a lot of people just go for pure heat, when it should really be about something flavorful that incorporates heat. Let's see who falls into the sear-your-taste-buds-off trap.

The chefs get started. Poor Nicholas interviews that he never touches hot sauce, as he is prone to ulcers. Ugh, that sucks. Stephanie and Carrie are similarly inexperienced, but pledge to do their best. Justin makes a sauce with anchovy, and GET IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW. When time runs out, Padma asks for Dr. John's bottom three, which he says are "Dbkdfja, nkfhwlllib afvj fuuryyyslv." Hang on, let's run that through the Padma translator. Carrie's Trinidad-inspired gumbo may have made the cut, but her Trinidad-inspired hot sauce is a dud. Nicholas' was overly-sweet, and Nina's was all heat, no flavor. Yup. Gotta watch out for that.

Now, for the good news. Carlos' habanero sauce with mango and passion fruit hit all the right notes. Justin's pepper sauce with anchovy was odd, but delicious. OF COURSE IT WAS. Sorry, I get heavily invested in anchovy dishes. Brian's green jalapeño sauce incorporated yuzu well. The winner of the challenge and immunity is... "Bjhfs." Sorry, that's Brian. He looks pleased. And stoned. But then, he always looks stoned.

Elimination Challenge. A 300-pound pig is wheeled in, its belly cleaved in two. That reminds me, I'm an episode behind on American Horror Story. The chef (Donald Link - yes, you heard correctly) and butcher (Toby Rodriguez) who bring it in are experts in boucherie, the Cajun tradition of breaking down and using the entire animal in cooking. I mean, there might just be another culture that was on this continent before the Cajuns that was known for using the whole animal. There's an upcoming holiday celebrating them? Starts with an "N"? Ends with "ative Americans"? Still, I get that we're in New Orleans and have to focus on the whole Creole thing.

For the challenge, the chefs must work together to break down the entire hog, and use the entire thing to serve a few hundred people. Everyone must be in charge of at least one dish. Once Padma and the guest judges leave, the chefs fall to squabbling about who gets which part of the pig. Justin and Nicholas handle most of the butchering, with Sara hovering around and nagging them like an annoying backseat driver. Nina and Nicholas both want the head, and compromise by cutting it in half. Justin and Carlos independently decide to make tacos, and while Justin is usually confident in his abilities, he understandably worries that Carlos will spank him on this head-to-head comparison. While the chefs shop for their other ingredients, Donald and Toby's crew cooks up an example boucherie back at the house. It looks so good I can practically smell it.

Prep. The chefs are taken to a place called the Bayou Barn, which is a terrible name. "Bayou Barn" is where overweight women with five teeth buy their muumuus and discount flip-flops. Justin spends time building a fire, and then snarls at anyone else who gets near it. Everyone ignores him, and when he tries to assert his flame ownership, Nina tells him to eat a dick. We had to rewind to make sure that's what she really said; apparently, it's kosher to say that on TV now. Eat a dick, everyone! Meanwhile, Stephanie recoils when she sees an alligator hanging out in the grass a dozen feet away. That...is terrifying. The chefs appear to just keep on cooking, but I dearly hope that someone off camera was in charge of shooing it away. Louis interviews that he was expecting to show up and just be a lone wolf, but that he's actually made some really great friends. Hmmm. He's incorporating popcorn into his dish. Once prep time is complete, the judges and other diners walk around and sample everything. This is one of those challenges I fervently wish I could attend as a taster.

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs are delighted when Tom says that this challenge had some of the best food he's ever eaten in the show's entire run. The judges have said that kind of thing before and sounded a bit hollow, but it sounds pretty genuine this time. Whoever goes home will be eliminated for a minor flaw, which is a shame. But first, for the good news. Obviously, Nina is in the top three, because she's Nina. Her pig-head ragout incorporated roasted corn, mustard greens, and spaetzle, and had a nice heat that built over time. Shirley and Carlos join her, and both of them speak emotionally about the inspiration they drew from their families to create their dishes. Shirley's dumplings contained pork scrapings, grilled kidney and were served on a crispy pork fat salad. Yuuuuuuuuuuuum. Carlos' tacos are fried chorizo, served on a pozole verde (a soup made with pork bone). Yuuuuuuuuuuuum. This is why I can believe Tom when he says this is some of the best food ever served on Top Chef. It all looks amazing. The winner of the challenge is... Carlos! I was kind of pulling for Shirley (those dumplings look incredible), but am happy to see him score a win with a recipe that hits so close to home.

Losers' Table. The judges summon Justin, Louis, and Stephanie. Justin is unhappy to be there. He doesn't think there was anything wrong with his pork. The judges assure the chefs that nobody's dish was out-and-out disappointing, but that there were issues of consistency. Some of Justin's servings were dry, which explains an earlier scene of a flare-up of the flames he was so adamant about protecting. I can't tell if Justin is justifiably cheesed about being in the bottom three for a good dish, or if he's one of those tiresome people that can't take any form of criticism. Stephanie braised her pork so much that all the flavor sank into the broth. Louis' popcorn was out-of-place and off-putting, though his grilled pork leg was tasty. Tom throws it over to Padma for the (pork) chop. Louis. Please pack your knives and go. Aw, crud. It's probably fair from a challenge standpoint, but Louis is so... Well, let's just say I'm not going to be buying the Brian calendar anytime soon. Louis takes his loss stoically, and only regrets that he wasn't able to nail a challenge with his personal style of food. Yeah, I'd have liked to see that, too. And maybe what he would have worn for the July photo.

Overall Grade: B

Easy As Pie

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 8

Tonight's episode kicks off with Chris sharing some family drama that usually portends either a stunning victory or a looming elimination. His newborn daughter has some medical issues, and he wants to win the competition to help pay for the treatments. That's an eminently noble motivation, of course, but you've got to think the producers are sitting there thinking "Stop talking about how you're going to spend the money on your kids! You're supposed to be obsessed with your career!"

In tonight's Quickfire, the chefs are asked to make a pie for Gail and guest judge Francois Payard. Just baking a pie is too simple, of course, so the chefs are forced to do it one-handed. Everyone manages pretty well, except poor Matthew, who merely nudges his pie with his off-limit hand for one moment. That's enough to disqualify him from the win. It turns out not to matter, as Sally and Chris take the bottom two spots, and Orlando and Carlos take the top. Orlando's four-berry pie looks remarkably good, but it is Carlos who scores the win and the $5000 prize.

For the Elimination Challenge, it's time for Dana Cowin to host another fake party. In this case, it's got a carnival theme, and the chefs are told to to make upscale food inspired by usual carnival fare. My gorge immediately begins to rise, because I just know somebody's going to include fucking funnel cake. Yuck. Indeed, Chris makes funnel-cake-infused ice cream.

It's not very successful, and he lands in the bottom with Carlos (who made mini-burgers and fries out of dessert ingredients that look wonderful, but taste off) and Orlando (who once again gives the judges a description he can't sell when his candy apple inspiration leads to a chocolate dessert). Sally and Matthew get top marks, with Matthew snagging the win. Carlos takes the long walk home, much to our viewing party's despair. Though I had Sallyesque leanings before this episode, they're now full-blown. Get it, girl!

Overall Grade: B-

Tea Bagged

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 8

Previously on Just Desserts: The chefs were split into teams. The Plastics were thrilled that they could finally show their might as a cohesive unit, and they got off to a good start when they won the Quickfire. Plastics forever! Or at least until the Elimination Challenge, where they fell apart! They were plagued by decor and presentation problems, but those were nothing in comparison to Heatherh's craptastic dough. And just like that, the Top Chef Plastics lost their Regina George. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Leftover Halloween candy, of course. I would have been satisfied with just that, when suddenly, Panny and Phooey appeared at the door with banana muffins with chocolate chips, right out of the oven. Bliss.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Danielle indulges in a little smug satisfaction that the Plastics were knocked off their high horse. She also takes a moment to stress over the fact that she's the last woman standing. Gidget bemoans the loss of Heatherh, saying that she was an ultra-talented chef, and he can't believe that the Plastics wound up in the bottom three. It always tickles me to see contestants take that tack: "Well our pastry dough sucked beyond measure, but I can't believe we lost!" "Well, my food was terrible in both the Quickfire and Elimination challenges, but I was hoping the judges would overlook that because I have so much potential!" "Well, we started in sixth place, but I'm totally shocked that the people we're racing against managed to get on a decent flight!" Or basically, any version of "I really messed up, but feel that there should be zero consequence." It's incredible. Everyone heads out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and this week's guest judge, Shinmin Li. Shinmin is a cake decorator, and we see some shots of her truly impressive work. Gail explains that in this Quickfire, the chefs will be making edible bouquets of flowers. Eric doesn't have experience with pulling sugar, but hopes that buttercream flowers will be just as artistic. Morgan, on the other hand, is looking forward to pulling more techniques out of his bag of tricks. The chefs will have three hours to get everything done, and the winner will receive $5000. Ready? Go!

Zac immediately grabs the vase made out of mirrors. What a shock. He also stocks up on chocolate. Danielle peels oranges, and interviews that she doesn't really work with sugar flowers, preferring to work with real flowers instead. Ooh, that reminds me that I haven't had candied violets in a while. Those things are awesome. Eric works on making a large cake in the brioche mold, which he'll then decorate with icing flowers. Gidget begins making orchid petals, but wants to go the extra step by eschewing the actual vases in favor of making his own out of pulled sugar. Good idea! Morgan works on chocolate flowers, but makes sure to add in some color with pulled sugar. Gidget works on his vases. For some reason, he's making them on a table shared with other equipment instead of on his own station. He explains to us how fragile and delicate the vases are. Yeah, but if they work out, they'll blow the judges' socks off.

When Gidget goes back to work on the rest of his bouquet, Morgan steps in to use the heat lamp next to the sugar vases. Heatherh's lip isn't the only thing his elbow hates, and he winds up accidentally shattering one of Gidget's vases. Oh, shit! Maybe it's time to keep a closer eye on those gangly appendages, dude. He apologizes to Gidget, who suggests in interview that he wouldn't put it past Morgan to break the vase on purpose. Way to piss away any sympathy I had for you. Just when you were beginning to impress me, too. Gidget takes the other vase back to his station to gently lower over his flowers. The camera crew knows to keep a close eye on this one, the better to see it shatter, which it does. Ouch. Gidget manages to refrain from accusing himself of cheating. To his credit, he wastes little time in self-pity, and runs to get an actual vase from the shelf. Meanwhile, Zac flails. He tells us he has no idea what he's doing. I'm honestly confused how a guy who's supremely confident in his ability to make wearable dresses out of chocolate can't figure out a bouquet. There's a final work montage, and then time is up.

Gidget shit-talks everyone else's work before Shinmin and Gail go down the line. Morgan has made flowers out of chocolate, but as promised, there are pops of color with pulled sugar bows and blossoms. The chocolate color blends perfectly into the vase, making that look edible as well. It's really beautiful. Danielle's presentation includes candied orange peel, sugar cookies, and marshmallow flowers. The best way I can describe it is that it looks like it would be used as stage decoration in a school play. I mean that in both the positive and negative senses. On the one hand, it's colorful and vibrant, and super-cute. But on the flip side, it has no flip side. It's essentially a two-dimensional bouquet. Plus, it's a little Pee-Wee's Playhouse. If eight-year-olds were judging this challenge, she'd win it in a walk. Gidget describes the saga of his shattered vases. He's bounced back to fill a glass vase with tropical roses and leaves made out of tempered cocoa butter.

Zac tries the well-known tactic of calling something "modern" to explain its ugliness. A sculptural mirror vase has chocolate blades placed here and there in flowerish shapes. Chocolate leaves lie in a pile at the bottom. His beloved disco glitter is also blown all over his work. "It is pretty disco-y," Shinmin says. She does not mean it as a compliment. Eric has made a giant cupcake, which is topped with gum paste and buttercream flowers.

Results. The bottom three kicks off with Zac, whose chocolate work is messy. Eric's should have been higher, and his piping work wasn't sharp enough. Eric, usually all too happy to agree with the judges' critiques, takes issue for once. He liked what he did just fine. The last of the bottom three is Danielle, who should have done a piece that can be viewed from any angle. That leaves the other guys in the top. Shinmin manages to chide Morgan for not doing enough, even as she calls his work the most professional presentation of the bunch. Gidget's final presentation is well-balanced, with each petal having individual personality. The winner of the challenge and the wad of money is... Morgan. Gidget makes sure to interview that if Morgan hadn't shattered one of his vases, Gidget himself could have won. Of course, he may also have won if he hadn't shattered the other one himself, but God forbid a Plastic indulge in some self-reflection. Morgan helpfully tallies his cumulative winnings for us, saying he's earned $36,000 to date.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be catering a tea party for Dana Cowin and "some of her friends". That lady certainly enjoys hosting fake parties. Naturally, the party has a theme: Celebri-tea. The chefs will be creating desserts inspired by contemporary celebrity duos. Each chef will make a hundred portions of two little desserts. Zac giggles. Morgan awesomely rolls his eyes. Yeah, this is dumb.

After the challenge is outlined, the chefs head for the store with a $300 budget. Danielle stocks up on strawberries, saying she's going to do something red to symbolize redhead Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter. Zac's chosen celebrity couple is Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards. He has all sorts of ideas to work off of "A Spoonful of Sugar" and the Pink Panther movies. Clever. He intentionally steers clear of any idea that incorporates chocolate, wanting to expand his horizons and distance himself from his woeful Quickfire performance. Morgan, who has zero knowledge and negative interest in celebrities, pages through a tabloid for inspiration. He finds a story about Kim Kardashian being mad that Reggie Bush won't propose, and runs with it. He compares the situation to the wild controversy surrounding sachertortes, and if they're supposed to be made with raspberry or apricot. Yeah, I remember them having a hot debate about that on Meet the Press. Gidget's inspiration is Madonna and Guy Ritchie, whose conflict-ridden relationship will be shown with dueling chocolate desserts. Eric chooses Oprah and Stedman. So, I guess one of the desserts will have a giant beard on it? The worst Frankenbyte I've ever heard suggests Eric will be grabbing all the chocolate he needs from the Kitchen pantry. Seriously, that quote was patched together from about five different sources.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs get going on their three hours of prep. They quickly discover that a trap has been set for them while they were out shopping: All of the chocolate has been removed from the pantry. Johnny walks in, and announces that for this challenge, there will be no chocolate allowed, because chocolate is never the star of tea parties. Well, sure. The last time you were at a non-political tea party meant for adults and composed of desserts inspired by celebrity duos, was there any chocolate offered? WELL, WAS THERE?!?!? I love how Johnny's pretending this twist has anything to do with the real world. It's like when OJ tells models that learning how to strut on tilting platforms suspended over water is an essential job skill.

Once Johnny's gone, the chefs get back to work. Zac's earlier decision to avoid chocolate has suddenly given him an advantage, since he doesn't have to change anything about his original plan. Danielle is also sitting pretty. The others are forced to scramble. Gidget, in particular, has no idea what to do now. One of Eric's desserts was going to be chocolate, and he decides to replace it with a second shortbread, done in a different style than the one he was already planning. Morgan replaces his chocolate cake with a blonde version. Gidget hurries to come up with new ideas to execute, but his heart is definitely not in this challenge. Time winds down.

Later, the chefs arrive at the party site, where they get an additional hour to set up. The kitchen there is extremely hot and cramped. Eric interviews that he hates what his desserts have become since chocolate was taken off the menu, and by this point, all he can do is hope that they're good enough to pass him through to the next round. Danielle hurries to get everything done on time. Guests stream into the dining room and get seated. Dana Cowin pretends to have any sort of hostess/guest relationship with them. I guess tea parties are supposed to be all about imaginary guests anyway, so I can't complain. The judges settle in at their table. Shinmin, Dannielle, and of course Dana are sitting in with Johnny and Gail. They spew some bullshit about how taking chocolate away from the chefs after all the shopping was done has some sort of real world parallel. Guys, just stop. It's an off-kilter reality show challenge. That's all it is. It's fine, but stop pretending it has relevance out here.

Service starts, and Eric trudges out to the dining room with his despised desserts. His Stedman is a square rosemary shortbread with apricot compote. Oh, no! Never serve rosemary to Gail! Oprah is a round pecan shortbread (heh) with caramel. Johnny senses how nervous and upset Eric is, and advises him to take a deep breath. Aw. Tasting. The portions are too big, the presentation is lackluster, and the Oprah shortbread explodes when eaten (double heh). Still, the compote is tasty, and people seem to enjoy the rosemary shortbread.

Back in the kitchen, Morgan is making a nuisance of himself while Zac is trying to concentrate on getting things plated. You will note that although Zac complains about this in interview, he does not waffle on and on about how Morgan is a cheater, or how Morgan is just threatened by Zac's massive talent. Result? My momentary annoyance actually flows towards Morgan for once, and doesn't turn back on the original complainer. See how little it takes to get me on your side? Just focus on the actual transgression, and I'm all yours! Zac takes his desserts out to the dining room. His first dessert is a mascarpone cheesecake with Cap'n Crunch and tarragon sugar. I do try to separate people's personalities from their food, and Zac certainly racks up plenty of Limecrete's Pick of the Week dishes, as this cheesecake does. Yum. His second dessert is a pink pavlova with grapefruit curd and meringue. In an extremely shrewd move, he's shaped them so that the pavlova can be stacked on top of the cheesecake if the diners wish to do so. Genius! Tasting. The judges have nothing negative to say; they love everything he's done.

Danielle is running behind on time. Morgan is still in the way, and not helping her cause. She manages to get the desserts plated, and heads out to the dining room. Her Conan O'Brien dessert is a tall strawberry layer cake with strawberry jam and dried jalapeno. The Andy Richter is oatmeal cookie cake, with orange blossom water buttercream icing. Tasting. The leavening ratio seems to be off, and the jalapeno was very strong. Still, she had good instincts, and provided a nice variety of flavors in two little desserts. Morgan plates without incident, though he still misses that chocolate. His first dessert is a blonde sachertorte - an almond sponge cake with an apricot coulis and citrus buttercream. The second is a bittersweet citrus macaron. Tasting. The macaron gets decidedly mixed reviews. The almond flavor of the sponge cake is outstanding, but it isn't really the finger food it should be, and must be eaten with a spoon.

Gidget is racing to get plated in time. Morgan sees him struggling, and hopes he can rid himself of his strongest competitor. Gidget interviews that for the first time in the competition, he's not confident in the flavor combinations he's put together. Not only that, but he loses his race against the clock, and only a portion of the desserts go out to the dining room, though a full set does make it to the judges. Factor that into your guesswork about if incomplete plates must be sent to the judges, or can be pawned off on other diners. Gidget's first dessert is a citrus Greek yogurt cake, with a baked honey flan. The second is a brown butter sable, with dulce de leche and Calvados gelee. They both look pretty terrible. Tasting. The cake is moist, but bland. The sable has some good flavor, but is overly sweet. The diners find that Gidget's anxiety and his inability to finish on time shines through in the food. Service winds down. Eric notes how much Gidget has struggled, and sees a glimmer of hope for his own chances.

Interstitial. Danielle hogs the bathroom. She also takes a box of cereal in there with her, which is nasty.

Judges' Table. In the fret 'n sweat, Eric is explaining that no matter who goes home, all five of them have a lot to be proud of. I just adore him. Gail comes back, and summons Morgan, Zac, and Danielle to the table. To nobody's surprise, they are the top three. Morgan was easily able to work around the no-chocolate twist. Shinmin loved his almond cake. Zac's inspiration was top-notch, and his desserts were refined and elegant. Dannielle says that despite their sophistication, they were neither prissy nor boring.

Tiffany: "That's funny, because you are."

Danielle's desserts had a marvelous sense of fun, and they were both tasty. Johnny condescendingly tells her that she finally showed some commitment to following through on a plan. Thanks, Dad. Can I borrow the Camaro tonight? Shinmin gets to announce the challenge winner, who turns out to be... Well, Zac of course. I don't know why I even put in the Ellipsis of Suspense. Still, it's his first Elimination Challenge win, and he's ecstatic. His only prize is to send the remaining chefs out to Losers' Table.

Once they're in front of the judges, Gail asks what went wrong, as both of them were clearly beaten into depression by this challenge. Eric says that there was so much going on in his brain after the chocolate was taken away, he couldn't focus on anything. Dannielle says that his desserts lacked creativity, which is true, although she's way more concerned with how the shortbreads tied in to Oprah and Stedman than she should be. If Eric had made something completely delicious that had nothing to do with his chosen celebrities, nobody would care. Johnny says that even with all the challenge restrictions, Eric has an arsenal of tasty baking recipes at his command, and should have been able to come up with something better. I wish I could argue with that, but can't. Eric begins to well up with tears, and Gail kindly says that the judges know that he's an amazing baker, but they just couldn't find him in these particular desserts. That was nice. Eric makes no excuses, and freely admits that he really fell down on this challenge.

Gidget had similar problems. None of the judges have ever seen him so flustered. He explains that both of his desserts were originally based on chocolate, and when he attempted to bounce back and plan another set, he couldn't pull it together in time. Half the things he made for the final duo never even made it onto the plates. Dannielle continues to be obnoxiously obsessed with the celebrity tie-in. Lady, he barely got food on the plate. He didn't give two shits about whether or not the goddamn cake represented Madonna at that point, nor should he have. Shinmin has more legitimate complaints. The cake was mushy, and she didn't get any of the sage flavor Gidget infused into it.

Johnny adds that the presentation reminded him of frozen petit fours that cruise ships pull out of a box. There's a White Whine if I ever heard one. He wraps up by telling Gidget that his desserts literally made Johnny angry. Listen, I'll bet Johnny is an amazing pastry chef, and I'll bet he's a blast to hang out with. That said, he's kind of a crap judge. Maybe he can work on it in the off season. Ptom has definitely improved, so Johnny's certainly not beyond hope. Like Eric, Gidget offers no excuse for his poor showing, though he does mention that he fell apart after Heatherh was eliminated. That does not help his case. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Neither of the bottom two were their usual talented selves. Johnny says that this challenge is about more than just flavor. Gidget had a better concept than Eric, whose shortbreads were both disappointing. However, none of Gidget's food lived up to expectations. It's neck and neck, but the judges do manage to make a decision.

Elimination. Eric's desserts were flat and uninspired. Gidget let his emotions take over, to his food's detriment. We go over to Gail for the chop. Eric. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He shakes the judges' hands, and Johnny makes sure to tell him he's a great chef on his way out. Aw. In his final interview, Eric says that he cracked under the pressure, and he's frankly glad to be going when he is. All of the other chefs are devastated to lose such a kind competitor, and they all hug and congratulate him on being so awesome. Eric is happy for the friendship and validation he's gotten through this process, officially marking the first time that I've been more upset about a chef's elimination than the chef himself. Sniff.

Overall Grade: B-

We Aren't The World

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: Pea puree! Pea puree? Pea puree. PEA PUREE?!?! Pea puree. Pea. Puree. Pea puree????? Pea puree!!!!! Pea puree. Andrea got eliminated. Nine chefs remain. Who will be pea puree tonight?

Opening menu. With LabRat in Georgia and the viewing party called on account of baseball, this was the first episode I've had to watch solo in a while. Witness the cinematic single tear streaming down my cheek. In honor of being single for the night, I tore into some bachelor chow. When you dine solo, there's no such thing as embarrassment. So, I baked a box of those Pepperidge Farm pastry shells and stuffed them with tuna fish mixed with capers and a bunch of random spices. Don't judge it till you've wolfed it down. While you're at it, wolf down Drinking Game Rule #8: Take a drink when somebody whines about having to make a dessert.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Pea puree. Pea puree? Pea puree! To his credit, Ed is more perplexed about the whole situation than angry. Kelly, having performed horribly last week, has had the dickens sufficiently scared out of her, and is ready to redeem herself. Tiffany is getting a little nervous to be constantly in the middle, and really wants to win some challenges.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are welcomed in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Marcus Samuelsson, who won this past season of Top Chef Masters. Padma tells everyone that Washington, D.C. is a diverse city (natch), and the cuisine served reflects that. I'll bet you can guess the theme for the week. Padma goes on to report that Ethiopian food especially dominates the local food scene. Really? I mean, I love eating wildly different ethnic foods, but I don't know anyone who would put Ethiopian at the top of their list. Not that it's bad; just not the go-to choice. In any event, today's Quickfire will be to make an Ethiopian-inspired dish. The berbere spice blend, and the injera bread have been provided. When I went to a local Ethiopian place, I rather liked the sour notes of the injera, but nobody else I ate with agreed. When Marcus says it's a sourdough, he means it's a SOURdough.

The chefs have a longer time limit than usual, and get ninety minutes to throw everything together. Ready? Go! Amanda goes straight for the goat leg, while Alex grabs some beef tongue. As he reaches for a pressure cooker, Kelly runs up behind him and tries to snag it. She's not quick enough, though, so Alex goes back to his table triumphant, leaving Kelly to sneer in interview about how "aggressive" Alex is. Kevin agrees, crabbing that Alex's style of cooking is to throw a bunch of darts at a wall and hope it works, which it never does. He thinks Alex is the weakest chef left. Listen, if he stole the pea puree, I'm all for treating him like a pariah. In fact, if he stole the pea puree, I'm all for kicking him off the show. That said, it's not aggressive to get to a piece of equipment first and not let someone else yoink it. In fact, if anyone was being aggressive in this situation, it was Kelly. And as far as Alex being the weakest link, perhaps Kevin would like to review who's been at Losers' Table three times, and who's been there...never.

Angelo has worked at a kitchen that served Ethiopian cuisine, so he's in good shape. Kenny and Ed also have some experience in this arena. Kenny is confident that he can win. What a shock. The rest of the chefs are just winging it. Kelly has never even eaten Ethiopian food, let alone cooked it. Thus begins the curious disconnect this cast has with global cuisine. I don't want to suggest that they should be familiar with every culture's food. People have to specialize. But I do find it a little odd that someone who's made a career out of food hasn't carved out time to go to an Ethiopian restaurant once. It's not like there's a dearth of them. If she had said this about food from Rwanda or Madagascar, I'd understand. Ethiopia? Strange. She asks Ed if nuts are appropriate to add to the dish, and he guesses that they are. Tiffany hopes that making a hearty stew with the provided spices will work out all right. Time runs out.

Padma and Marcus go down the line. Kevin has braised chicken with chickpeas and yogurt, and a bit of cucumber and mint served on injera. Stephen has lamb and a meatball stew with yogurt sauce. Alex made beef and lamb tongue stew with cabbage and potatoes. That doesn't sound terribly Ethiopian, but who knows what you can do with enough spice. Alex admits he doesn't eat a lot of spicy food, and Padma gets a little dig in at his expense, saying that his dish isn't spicy at all. Kelly roasted some leg of lamb, and serves it with cauliflower, yogurt, and mint puree. Amanda's stewed goat leg is served on grilled injera. Sounds good. Kenny goes for another duo. He's got meat loaf and rib eye with curry and a spice blend. Angelo has a berbere-spiced doro wat with egg, mango, yogurt and mint on steamed injera. Marcus enjoys it very much. Ed has stewed lamb with beef tripe, and serves it with cauliflower, chickpeas, and braised greens. Tiffany has a beef goulash with poached egg, currants, ginger, garlic, peppers, and yogurt. Her food sounds great, as always, though I worry that goulash isn't inspired enough by Ethiopia.

Results. First in the bottom three is Kevin, whose flavors weren't bold enough. Stephen's cabbage was good, but the lamb meatballs were off. Alex's stew was dry. Now, to the top three. Amanda's goat and spices were fantastic. Angelo's food was authentic and beautiful. Marcus puts my worries to rest by assuring Tiffany that goulash and Ethiopian food actually have a lot of similarities, and that she had wonderfully hearty flavors. The winner of the challenge and the immunity is... Tiffany. Yay! I know there's no way the Cult of Kenny will let her win the season, so I've got to enjoy her while I can. Ed is thrilled as well, because she beat Angelo, with all of his experience and technique.

Elimination Challenge. Padma and Marcus roll in a map of the world, with nine countries marked off with flags. As with the Quickfire, the chefs will be making a dish inspired by the country that they get. Kenny is confident. Another shock! Everyone will need to make a hundred portions to serve at a center that houses international dignitaries. Padma warns the chefs that they will only have sternos to heat their food. Well, at least she told them about it before they showed up at the event. That should be some comfort. The chefs will draw knives to determine the order in which they pick their countries. Angelo hopes that he won't get stuck with Brazil. Tiffany picks the coveted #1 out of the knife block, and cheers in interview that it's her "freakin' lucky day!" Heh. She strides up to the map and snags Mexico, which makes sense. The assignments shake out to be:

Tiffany - Mexico
Kelly - Italy
Amanda - France
Kenny - Thailand
Alex - Spain
Angelo - Japan
Kevin - India
Ed - China
Stephen - Brazil

Stephen expresses his usual optimism, but his voice is tinged with anxiety. I had no idea Brazil was such an obstacle to chefs. It's like panna cotta. Shopping. The chefs have thirty minutes and $200 to get supplies. Kenny is outraged -- OUTRAGED!! -- that he didn't win the Quickfire. He tells us about the various difficulties he's endured over the years, and though he's got my sympathy for each and every one of them, I'm not going to celebrate his gargantuan ego. An ego that will only be encouraged when he sails into the finals on the whims of the producers. Stephen knows nothing about Brazil, and can only come up with Brazilian steakhouses as a reference point, so he buys a bunch of steak. Meanwhile, Kevin admits that he knows nothing about Indian cuisine. Oh, come on! If he's never cooked it before, that's fine, but to have no idea how to even begin getting ingredients for one of the most well-known cuisines in the world? These people are kind of sad. Or maybe Kevin has that short-term memory condition from Memento, as he asks an employee where to find the spices. Really? Not sure where those are after seven challenges?

Back at the Kitchen, the chefs start on their two hours of prep time. Kelly works on a cold dish to get around the issue of not having equipment at the venue. Ed has had Chinese girlfriends, and thus knows all about Chinese food. Oh, is that how that works? Awesome! I can't wait to impress LabRat with my newly-acquired powers of southern cooking. I don't even have to study! Stephen marinates some flank steak. Kenny wonders how Stephen is going to keep steak, rice, and beans hot with only chafing dishes to work with. Coming from Texas, Tiffany has no worries about making Mexican food. She puts together some tamales. Angelo works on tuna sashimi and makes some candied wasabi as well. I'm not a big wasabi fan, and candying it does not make it sound more appealing. Amanda is making beef bourguignon with potatoes and horseradish mousse. She grins that something simple and done poorly so often can really shine when done well. Alex braises some veal, and will be making potato tortas as well. I've made those. They're good, but flipping them is a bitch. Speaking of flipping, Alex trips over a mat on the floor and falls to the ground, almost smashing his face into one of the stoves. Yeeks. Kevin hopes he can make a serviceable spice blend.

Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Alex tells him that he wanted to get veal cheeks, but couldn't, and settled on veal shank. Tiffany tells him that generally, tamales don't have enough meat, which really gets on her nerves. I completely agree. They're so good, but two bites in and you're done. Tiffany aims to fix this problem. Ptom wonders if Padma is going to be extra hard on Kevin's Indian food, given her background. Kevin thinks it's likely. Kenny is confident. No way! He's working on pork spare ribs and Thai green curry. As time winds down, chefs begin full-on sprinting around the room to get things done. Alex asks if anyone has room in their hotboxes.

Amanda: "There's actually no room in my hotbox."
Limecrete: "That's what she said!"
Empty apartment: [silence]
Limecrete: "This really works better with the viewing party."

Ed makes sure to carefully label everything with his food in it. Hehe. I don't blame him. Time runs out. That night, Kevin talks to his family on the phone. He tells us that he needs to work on his temper, which can be short. He hasn't really blown his top inappropriately that I can remember, despite the little flashback they show where he denies putting pepper in something. Kelly receives a care package from her husband. She's thrilled to discover booze in it.

The next morning, the chefs head for the Meridian House for the event. Kelly recaps the challenge for those who may have missed the three other times it's been covered. The chefs get half an hour to get ready for guests. Amanda discovers that the beef that came out dry yesterday has not magically become juicy overnight. She cuts it into smaller pieces, hoping that her sauce can improve it. Alex chows down on his food. I thought this would lead to a scene in which he didn't have enough for the guests, but that never comes, so buen provecho, I guess. Stephen wants to keep his steak moist and his rice dry. He does not encourage said dryness by adding a bunch of stock to it, which makes it gummy. Tiffany has a lot of things to chop for her salsa, and falls behind. She manages to pull it together by the time guests begin arriving. A guest asks Kevin if he's well-versed in Indian cuisine, and he admits that it's his first time. His game plan is to tell everyone that he's made "stewed chicken with the flavors of India" rather than "curried chicken". That way, nobody can nail him for missing the mark. Clever.

The judges enter. Along with Ptom, Padma, Gail, and Marcus, Jose Andres has come by to judge. Eric Rip-who? They stop by Ed's table first. His Chinese tea-smoked duck breast is served with pot stickers in Szechuan jus. Alex has Spanish ham torta, olive and tomato salad, and braised veal cheeks. All this global cuisine is making my spellcheck go batshit. Ed interviews that he doesn't envy Alex having to make Spanish food for a well-known Spanish chef. Hey, didn't Alex tell Ptom that he couldn't get veal cheeks, and had to use veal shank? Why is his dish identified as cheek? Weird. Stephen's coffee-marinated flank steak is served with chimichurri sauce and Brazil nuts, on top of black beans and rice. Kelly has a beef carpaccio with a spring vegetable salad and a bit of Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese. It looks good, if a bit sparse. Kevin nervously presents his food to Padma. He's got stewed chicken with a leek and parsnip puree, some fried lentils, and a mixture of cucumber and mango. Naturally, there's some curry as well.

Tasting #1. Kelly's dish is simple, well planned, and delicious. The Italian ambassador says that her carpaccio represents Italy better than he does. Heh. Jose Andres doesn't feel Ed's dish represented China very well, but the Chinese ambassador disagrees. I think I'll trust the latter on this one. Also, what's all this talk about the countries being "represented"? I thought they just had to serve as an inspiration. There's a big difference. Kevin's food smells great, and Padma enjoys his crispy lentils. Stephen's use of coffee was a nice touch, but that's about the only good thing. Ptom grouses that when the entire dish is just meat, beans, and rice, the rice had better be cooked properly. Marcus says that Brazil could be evoked with all sorts of flavors, be they South American, African, or Portuguese, and that Stephen had none of these. The Swedish ambassador thinks it would be good if he bought it at a street cart. Ouch. Alex's food is sloppy and bland.

Amanda is worried that her beef bourguignon isn't representing France well. Angelo presents his sashimi of tuna ribbons in chili oil marinade with a soy infusion, and the candied wasabi. Tiffany has chicken tamales with queso fresco and a tomatillo sauce with pico de gallo. Kenny has tamarind-braised pork with a cold rice noodle salad and the Thai green curry.

Tasting #2. Amanda's beef is weak. The pieces are too small, and the guests notice its dryness. Angelo's tuna looks fresh and clean, but the rest of his components mask the taste of the fish. The Austrian ambassador likes it, though. Tiffany's food is pure Mexico, and tastes great. Ptom appreciates that he can actually taste the corn husk. The Bahamanian ambassador thinks they're amazing. Kenny's curry gets good reviews. Gail likes that it doesn't have too much coconut. A guest likes the heat level of his food. Amanda tells Angelo that she knows she screwed up her beef, and figures that she's going to get eliminated unless someone else messed up even more. Kelly assures Stephen that he won't go home for his steak, but allows that she didn't taste his rice and beans. Padma thanks Marcus for his help in judging, and sends him on his merry way.

Interstitial. Angelo wraps the toilet up in plastic wrap, so when Stephen goes in, he pisses all over the place. Everyone has a good chuckle.

Judges' Table. In their fret 'n sweat, Alex tries to come up with reasons the judges wouldn't like his food. He thinks his flavors were okay. Kelly conjectures that maybe his dish wasn't very Spanish. Padma enters, and asks to see Kelly, Kevin, and Tiffany. When they come into the dining room, they're happy to learn that they are the top three. Tiffany gives the Standard Speech. She had a good time with the challenge, and it showed in her food. It was delicious and made perfect sense for the challenge. Tiffany thanks the judges and giggles with glee. Kevin's inexperience with Indian food worked to his advantage, as his food strikes the judges as very creative. Jose adds that his food was layered nicely. Kelly took a simple dish, and made it very elegant. Jose gets to announce the winner, which turns out to be... Tiffany, who has pulled off the rare double win. And to that, I say... Double yay! She wins ten-thousand dollars, and another ten grand is given to Jose's charity of choice in her name. She's thrilled to have her wedding paid for in one fell swoop, and Jose is thrilled with the donation. Thrill all around! Padma asks the top three to send out the less fortunate.

Tiffany's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. After the clapping subsides, she shares the news that the judges would like to see Alex, Stephen, and Ed. I'm surprised Amanda isn't getting called out after all that buildup. When they come into the dining room, Padma starts with Stephen. His idea was fine, but the rice was mealy and overcooked. Gail questions the chimichurri sauce's connection to Brazil. Ptom cuts to the heart of the matter, and says that if everything had been prepared well, his concept wouldn't have mattered as much. As it is, he fell down on execution. Padma wonders how Alex went from winning to tumbling to the bottom. She acts like it's the first time that's happened. It's happened this very season multiple times:

Episodes 1 & 2 - Angelo wins, then slacks off due to immunity and goes to Losers' Table.
Episodes 3 & 4 - Arnold wins, then gets eliminated.
Episodes 5 & 6 - Kenny wins, then gets saved by the Cult of Kenny.
Episodes 6 & 7 - Kevin wins, then sinks to the bottom.

It's been a wildly inconsistent season. I guess Tiffany had better watch her back next week. Anyway, Alex. Jose calls his food a "little nightmare". Yikes. Alex says that he's upset with himself, and couldn't edit himself. He says that during the Ptimewaste, Ptom told him that his dish didn't need to be Spanish, but just inspired by Spain. Ptom takes that as an insult, rather than the explanation it is. It figures. Just as I think to myself that Ptom hasn't gotten on my nerves in a really long time, and I should think about retiring my insulting nickname for him, he has to be obnoxious. Alex slips him a pacifier, and assures him that he wasn't blaming Ptom for his dish's problems. There were definite problems, though. The meat was dry, the sauce was watery, and Spain was nowhere to be found on the plate. Ed's sauce was good, but his food promised sweet and sour flavors, which were nowhere in the dish. He also didn't render the fat off the duck, which it desperately needed. He doesn't come up with much of a defense, and just grimly agrees with the judges. He appears to be keeping a tight lid on some anger. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Jose admits that it was a tough challenge. Stephen's garlic was too pungent, and his rice was terrible. Ed's food didn't live up to his description, the duck fat wasn't rendered, and there wasn't enough smoky flavor. Alex's techniques, ingredients, and presentation were all subpar. Ptom says that his ingredients were fine, but didn't work with them well. Any good chef should be able to work with beef cheeks. Except they weren't beef cheeks, they were veal cheeks. Except they weren't veal cheeks, it was veal shank. Feel free to start correctly identifying the FOOD on this FOOD show anytime. Is Mrs. Johnson's afternoon kindergarten class editing this season? The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. The losing chefs all showed poor technique. Stephen's sauce was overpowering, and his rice was awful. Alex's was sloppy and in no way Spanish. Ed's duck was disappointing. Padma gives the bad news. Stephen. Please pack your knives and go. He thanks the judges for allowing him to be "part of the process". Huh. He gets good-bye hugs, and interviews that it's tough to be eliminated for execution problems. He really enjoyed his time on the show, and is honored to have been chosen to participate, but says that nobody realizes how difficult and intense this experience is. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that plenty of us do.

Overall Grade: B-

Ham-Fisted

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: Mike had no faith in Robin's cooking ability. The fact that everything turned out just fine isn't mentioned, because that doesn't fit into the neat picture of Robin-as-useless-old-woman that we're supposed to be sold on by now. Jenc won the challenge with an assist from Kevin, while Bryan's calm facade began to show some cracks. Ashley got sent on her less-than-merry way, but probably regrets it less now that she's seen she left at just about the time everyone gets sick of being stuck with the same group of people for twenty-four hours a day, and they all begin to plot each other's demises. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. I wasn't able to write this long version of the episode's events back when it aired, because I was busy ruining our trip to New York by falling ill a day before we left. I'm filling in the blanks months later, so think of me as a psychic Limecrete who magically knows not only how the episode turns out, but the entire season. Also, Sarah Palin will continue to make an idiot of herself, but you probably didn't need time-traveling me to tell you that.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Michael rues being in the bottom two for the first time, and vows never to suffer through it again. He compares himself to Babe Ruth. Honey, please. I'm sure your food is delicious, but your name will not be entered into the history books. Unless you accidentally trip over a cat and drown in the toilet or something. Eli calls home to vent about his emotional stress. We finally learn why he acts like a dumb kid who lives with his parents. It turns out that he's a dumb kid who lives with his parents. Mystery solved! He tells us that Top Chef can change your "entire culinary career". So don't come on this show hoping to change your secretarial career, because it ain't happening. Robin does pilates out on the lawn to help herself find balance. I've never indulged in the practice, but if it involves imitating Robin's technique of thrashing around in a swimming motion like Michael Phelps on speed, I'll pass. She tells us that surviving cancer has made her a stronger person. I'll bet. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and this week's guest judge. For those who are sticklers for facts, his name is Charlie Palmer. For the rest of us, he looks so much like Cliff Clavin that I'm just going to call him that for the rest of the episode. Cliff discloses that he's worked with Bryan and Michael in the past, but promises not to show them any favoritism. Padma announces that this week's challenges are all about pairing. As you know, caring about how food is paired is a relatively recent development in our culture, and is still thought of as very sophisticated, so what better way to completely piss all over this idea than by asking the chefs to make a dish to pair with an overpriced potato chip? Welcome to tonight's Quickfire! There are six flavors of overpriced potato chip to choose from, and the chefs will have forty-five minutes to throw something together. Ready? Go!

The chefs scatter. Michael and Bryan spend some time talking about their prior relationships with Cliff. I don't care enough to transcribe any of it. Jenc is nervous. She describes herself as a perfectionist who wants everything to be perfect. Oh, is that what a perfectionist is? I was under the impression it was someone who punches a series of little holes in paper so that it can be torn easily. Eli's feeling confident about his pairing skills. Ash feels he's been held back by being too influenced by other people's strategies, and says he's going to focus on his own ideas from now on. Let's see how that works out for him. Time runs down. Everyone plates their food.

Padma and Cliff go down the line. The flavor of overpriced potato chip each chef has chosen doesn't really matter very much, so let's just focus on what they've made. Eli has prepared a potato clam salad with cold fennel and celery, with a white truffle sauce. Sounds good. Kevin's got a warm bean confit and tomato salad with herbs and creamed corn. Bryan has made seared rib-eye with pickled onion, sauteed mushrooms, and a chive puree. As is often the case on this show, the meat looks way too rare for even a blood-lover such as myself. Robin's got a sweet corn panna cotta with an avocado mousseline in the style of a parfait. Mike has done a spinoff of chilaquiles. Michael's made tuna tartare with avocado, pickled onions, and jalapenos. That's a lot of strong flavors. Ash has put together a chilled soup of cucumber and avocado with creme fraiche, crab, and roasted red pepper. Sounds tasty, but for the pairing with the barbecue-flavored overpriced potato chip. Laurine has swordfish with spinach, asparagus, and a fava bean puree. OK, the flavors sound good, but that combination would send you sprinting for the bathroom faster than an Ex-Lax smoothie. Jenc has a sauteed pork chop with tomato sauce, scallions, and some feta. She embarrassed, because it's way overdone. Who knows, maybe Cliff will be one of those people that likes their meat charred. I'm dating one of those philistines, myself. No such luck for Jenc, and her food brings on looks of consternation.

Results. The bottom three starts off with Robin, who had weird textures and a bad pairing. Ash's combination of ingredients didn't work well together. Jenc's pork chop was way too overdone. The top three kicks off with Eli, who did a good job with his execution and flavor concept. Bryan's execution was spot-on, though his idea was a bit unoriginal. Kevin made a good pairing and good food. The winner turns out to be... Eli, who takes his first challenge win. He's happy. Less happy is Ash, who somehow manages to shift through surprise, warmth, envy, and bitterness in one five-second sentence.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs are asked to draw knives. Michael describes more of his past experiences with Cliff. I still don't care. If he or Bryan do it again, I still won't care. Save the rest of the tales for the grandkids, please. The knives turn out to have different sections of pig written on them. Kevin is thrilled to have a pork challenge, telling us that he works with it so much, he's got a pig tattoo on his body. Everyone gets a part assigned to them, save Jenc, who pulls the "WILD" knife, and gets to cook with any pig section she wants. She picks pork belly without hesitation. The second half of the challenge is that the dish will be served as 150 tasting portions, and must be successfully paired with a Pinot noir.

Later, the chefs are taken to taste various Pinots. As with all wine tastings, it doesn't interest anyone who isn't physically putting the wine on his or her tongue. Each chef selects an individual wine to work with. Eli ridicules other chefs' wine palates. It sucks that we all can't be as sophisticated as he is. Perhaps we can join him in the cultural elite if all of our mommies do our laundry for us. After wine selection, the chefs head to the store with a $300 food budget. Kevin buys up as much bacon and other pork fat as he can. Laurine opts for duck fat, and talks about her intention to make a rillette. She hasn't made one with pork before, but assumes her experience in rabbit will carry her through. Ash is going to top his pork with polenta and a cherry demi-glace.

But enough of all this talk of stupid things like food and cooking. Let's head back to the house so we can watch these people act like fourth-grade girls. Robin is indulging in her usual logorrhea, and is driving everyone else up the wall. She correctly pegs the tension in the house as her losing a popularity contest, though she seems to stop short of wondering why that is. Sure, you can't please everyone, but when eight disparate personalities all flee from you, the common denominator is you. Now, I'm about to be very hard on the people who dislike Robin, but let it be known that I'm not wild about her, either. She's annoying the piss out of me right now, and I just spent ten seconds with her. I can't even imagine having to live with the woman. It's just that there are valid ways to argue with and distance yourself from people you don't like, and then there's these jerkoffs.

She drops some passive-aggressive crap about cleaning some part of the kitchen, and Eli, that grand sophisticate, snipes at her to stop copping such an attitude, and -- I swear I'm not making this up -- tells her she's not his mother. No, really. I suppose the editors left "Why can't I go to Tommy's birthday party?!? I hate you! I wish I'd never been born!" on the cutting room floor. Robin carps that she wouldn't want to be Eli's mother, because she would have raised him better. Really? I wouldn't want to be Eli's parent, because I'd want my adult child to get his own damn place and pay his own damn rent. Eli jogs downstairs so he can badmouth Robin with the rest of the Heathers, notably Mike. That's the thing. Not liking Robin is perfectly valid, but you can't really take the moral high ground if your counter-strategy is to whine, gossip, and make fun of her straight to her face, like you're Gretchen Weiners all of a sudden.

With that obnoxious tangent behind us, we can get back to the challenge at hand. The next day, the chefs get started on their four hours of prep time. Ash's vow to showcase his own ideas and strengths has lasted about twenty-six minutes, and he's once again turned to his competitors for ideas. After talking to Mike, Ash kills the polenta idea, and decides on a different preparation. Kevin works on a dish that he knows has great flavor, but worries that it's overly simple. Bryan frets that he doesn't have enough time to braise his ribs. Michael tells us he's always been more of a culinary risk-taker than his brother. Robin, you'll be shocked to hear, isn't here to make friends. I'm honestly confused. Reality show competitors must realize how dumb and hackneyed they sound when they use such a beaten-to-death phrase. They must. How could they not? It's been uttered and whined and spat and hissed more times than I can count. It's been said for years now. It's been said so often, it's gotten to the point where it's lost of all its original meaning and become a giant joke. It's become nearly impossible to use without irony, and yet every season of every show features someone saying it like they just coined the phrase. IT'S OLD. CATCH THE SNAP.

Jenc wants to redeem herself after her poor Quickfire performance, and works on a light, summer version of pork and beans. Eli is also working with pork belly, but doesn't worry about competition from Jenc, because his dish is heartier and "more exciting", while hers is "basic". Looks like someone's a bit too proud of his Quickfire win. Tell you what, Eli. You can be disdainful of Jenc when you can manage your own electric bill. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Ash lies, and tells Ptom that he's finally cooking his own style of food. Mike is working on Lebanese meatballs, and brags that he's offered a wider range of world cuisine than any other contestant. He says it in that naturally douchey way he has, so I want to ridicule him, but you know what? He's right. He's shown good range by incorporating a healthy mix of different cultures' foods, and still manages to integrate them into weird challege parameters, which is pretty impressive. We see that people are still on edge, as Michael and Bryan snap nastily at each other over the plastic wrap. I hear that's how the Boer War started.

Time runs out. The chefs and their food are driven over to the party venue where they'll be serving. Everyone gets another hour to get their food ready. It flies by, and soon the guests are streaming in. Once the first wave of diners decimates the food tables, the judges deem it safe to show up. And do they ever show up. Padma is trying to get away with an actual sun hat, and looks patently ridiculous, like she's auditioning for the role of Daisy in a summer stock production of The Great Gatsby. Tony is wearing his Bono sunglasses again. Guest judge Dana Cowin has a blouse with white pinwheels that opens to below her boobs. Maybe that's why all these people cultivated an interest in food; they can hide their tragic fashion choices under a chef's coat or apron.

All the dishes are paired with the Pinot noir the chef chose earlier. That's the extent of the detail I'm going to go into about that. Michael has braised pork cheeks in root beer, and serves it with some truffle, a steamed bun, and cherry sauce with the Pinot and some vanilla bean. All of the judges enjoy it, as do the diners we're shown. Ash puts forth some chilled pork tenderloin on top of a cherry/corn salad. That's it. I often say that making your food complex doesn't automatically qualify it as better than simple food done well, but this is just sad. On top of that, this overly simple dish isn't even good. The judges find the meat clammy, overcooked, and oversalted. Of course, Toby is the one who calls it oversalted, so I'm tossing that criticism out on principle. I'm not sure if it's his nationality or his lack of culinary credentials that renders him totally useless on judging the level of seasoning, but if he calls something salty, it means it's perfectly fine. If he calls something perfectly fine, it means it's bland.

Eli has braised pork belly on a roasted carrot puree, with celery and fennel. The judges like the dish, though Cliff doesn't think it pairs well with the wine Eli's selected. Kevin has made pork leg pate, with mushroom salad and pickled cherries. It's dressed with a mayonnaise dressing made from rendered pork fat. He spins a nice tale about knowing that the winery his Pinot comes from also has hazelnut trees, so he incorporated that flavor into the mushroom. The judges not only gobble up his pate, but his story as well. Mike presents his pork shoulder Lebanese meatballs on a bed of orange blossom yogurt. Dana feels the orange flavor is overpowering, but Ptom doesn't mind it. Bryan has made braised pork spare rib on parsnip puree. It gets fairly good reviews from the judges, though they aren't doing somersaults over it.

Jenc has braised pork belly in soy sauce, and serves it on a salad of tomato, olive, celery, truffle, and apple. How this is a play on pork and beans is beyond me. The judges all heartily enjoy it. Cliff, as with all the dishes, ignores everything but the wine pairing. Laurine has pork butt rillettes topped with golden raisin/pearl onion chutney, which is all resting on arugula salad. It's not a hit. Dana compares it to cat food. Robin has brined pork loin, stuffed with sweet potato roulade and sour cherry/coffee sauce. Nobody likes it. Toby finds it slimy, and none of the judges can discern much flavor. The party wraps up.

Sweat 'n fret. Mike tells the other chefs that if the challenge were based on diner feedback, he'd be in the winners' circle. Robin says that a bunch of diners said that she was their favorite. Mike snorts in derision. Padma comes back, and summons Michael, Kevin, Jenc, and Bryan to the table. Eli rushes to the nearest phone to call his mom and complain that the mean judges don't appreciate his genius. OK, that didn't happen, but can't you picture it? The four Golden Children go out to Winners' Table, and are congratulated on having the best dishes (as well as the best wine pairings). Michael was successfully daring. Jenc's pork belly was light and tasty. Toby compares her Pinot to a hairy armpit. But as a compliment. Because it's European! Get it?!? I guess I should be glad Toby isn't likable, because if he were, I'd constantly be embarrassed for him. Kevin hit all the right flavors for his wine. Bryan had a strong pork flavor and a good pairing. Cliff gets to announce the winner, which turns out to be Kevin. He wins the opportunity to be a guest chef at the next Pinot pork party. It's not a wad of cash, but Kevin's elated, so I won't stand in the way of his happiness. Padma sends them back to the Kitchen.

Kevin gets the most tepid applause ever heard for his win. These aren't even golf claps; they're putt-putt claps. Michael tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Ash, Laurine, and Robin. Once they leave, the Heathers waste no time in tearing into Robin once more. Michael at least pretends it's about her food, but Mike and Eli don't even bother doing that. Sending Robin home is the "right decision" because she's old and talks too much. Well, sure. How could a chatty person over forty know how to cook? See, this is why I can't get on the anti-Robin bandwagon, no matter how obnoxious she is. There's a difference between disliking her and trying to bully and belittle her out of the competition. I even kind of see parallels with the Marcel situation, though the Robin-bashing is infinitely less infuriating. Odd Asian Music and Gong agree with me, and have stormed off the episode in protest without even doing their jobs as the losing chefs come out to face the judges.

Robin stands by what she made, claiming she complemented the wine's flavors without dominating them. Toby's main complaint is that there wasn't enough meat on the plate, saying that if he had to pay twelve dollars for it, he'd have been very unhappy. Gee, you'd almost think the challenge called for the chefs to make TASTING PORTIONS. Ass. Ptom has a more legitimate complaint, saying that the texture of the sauce was a little gummy. Ash admits that upon hearing what everyone else was making, he began to worry that his was too simple. So again, he's basing the entire concept of his food on the work of others. Ptom says that simple food is fine, but the chef still has to develop flavor out of it, which Ash didn't. Ash unwisely describes his original idea, which Cliff says would have been a much better direction to go in. Laurine liked the idea she had, but says that she ran out of time before she could get the rillette done. Cliff asks her about her preparation methods, and when she talks about braising in chicken stock, he corrects her to say that rillettes are poached in fat, which is where all the flavor comes from. Laurine doesn't have much to say to that. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Robin had no pork flavor in her dish, and missed the mark on her wine pairing. Toby hated her sauce. Ash's dish was totally amateur, and he didn't even make his overly-basic food correctly. Laurine's rillette wasn't a rillette, and what she did make was dry and off-putting. The judges make a decision.

Interstitial. Isn't Robin stupid and ugly and old and useless? Let's round up a group of villagers with torches and pitchforks to tell her so!

Elimination. Laurine goofed her food and her pairing. Ash has no confidence, and his dish fell completely flat. Robin was stingy with the meat. Ptom hands it over to Padma for the chop. Ash. Please pack your knives and go. Yeah, it's his time. I like him, but he's become way too focused on how out of his league he is, to the point that it became true. He's glad for the opportunity to have met such amazing chefs, and regrets not sticking with his original idea. He smilingly says that he'll feature the pork with polenta and cherry sauce on his menu when he gets back home, and will invite all of the judges except Padma over to taste it. Ouch! Kitty's got claws!

Overall Grade: C-

I'm Like an Angry Cow

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 8

Tonight, the teams jet out of India, and connect in oddly out of the way cities to get to Almaty, Kazakhstan. Though they do their best to play up the airport ticket-buying drama, along with more off-putting flirting between Dallas and Starr, all the flights get into Almaty in the middle of the night, where they'll obviously be equalized by hours of operation somewhere. So everyone's tied again going into the Roadblock, which requires the chosen team member to find a golden egg hidden somewhere in a vast sea of chickens. Nobody seems to get that they could find one in about two seconds if they just gave the hens a good scare, and treat them more politely than they generally treat taxi drivers. The second Fast Forward is also located here, and both Nick/Starr and Terence/Sarah go for it, over Sarah's objections. The task is to eat a bowl of meat and butt fat, which is nowhere near as extreme as previous Fast Forward tasks, but it manages to kick Terence's vegetarian ass. So, Terence and Sarah have to drag themselves back to the Roadblock, firmly ensconced in last place.

From the chicken coop, teams direct a crane truck to the Koktobe Arch to meet up with a Mongol warrior. Why a crane truck? I have no earthly idea. It doesn't figure into the episode at all. Once at the warrior, a hawk flies in with the next clue, which is super-cool. The Detour asks teams to decide between learning how to play local musical instruments or dressing up like a cow. You can guess which one becomes the unanimous choice with this crew. Dallas and Toni easily moo through in great spirits to come into the mat as team number two, behind the Fast Forwarded Nick and Starr. Ken and Tina lose some time because they refuse to read their clue carefully, and thus screw up the Detour. Luckily for them, the Fratties are reliably incompetent. After having the gall to indulge in a nasty bit of Ugly Americanism by being angry with people who insist on speaking their native language in their native country, the Fratties have an issue with their own native tongue. Though the clue says to make their way to the pitstop on foot, they grab a cab. Phil sends them back to walk it, and Dan -- surprise!! -- whines that he can't believe that he may get eliminated for something so stupid. I guess all the beer at those frat parties has atrophied his memory.

Despite their Detour issues, Ken and Tina manage a third-place finish, and though the Fratties continue to flail, they also continue to make it in just under the wire. The human anchor that is Terence has dragged Sarah down for the last time, and the couple is eliminated, whereupon Sarah says that the race has done wonders for their relationship. I really hope what she means by that is she's realized she can do a lot better.

Overall Grade: B-

Pass the Dutchie

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 8

The final six head for Amsterdam, and spend the first several minutes directly ripping off The Amazing Race for a challenge. The girls are paired off for said segment, and sworn enemies Samantha and Elina find themselves the unlikely victors. The friendship forged by the win doesn't last long, as they get into a stupid fight about prostitution that isn't worth revisiting. The later challenge is also done in pairs, and involves posing in brothel windows. Samantha wins again, this time with McKey.

The photo shoot is a relatively simple one; it's just the girls giving their best editorial pose on a boat. Analeigh is undeservedly praised, as is Marjorie, who knows how to work the hunched back, but not much else. McKey and Samantha both get very good shots, and McKey claims the coveted first-called position. Meanwhile, Elina is still stiff as a board in her photos, but it's poor Sheena who gets eliminated for being unable to find the balance between hooch and beauty.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra pretends to be an artistic photographer again. Let's all give her ego a few strokes, and maybe she'll quit with that nonsense.

Overall Grade: B

China Syndrome

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 8

Though I don't mind the goofy or off-kilter challenges, I like it when the show comes up with a challenge as simple as "Make a garment in this particular style. Go." It's easy for contestants to excuse shoddy work on weird challenges ("Of course the judges didn't like my dress. How often do you think I make clothes out of spinach leaves?"), but there's no hiding when they're given almost free rein.

In tonight's episode, the designers are taken to meet Diane von Furstenberg, who as far as Kenley is concerned, is Jesus. She cries at the mere sight of the Stylish One. She can afford to be a bit unfocused, as the challenge is to make a garment that reflects the old Hollywood style of a Marlene Dietrich movie which takes place in Berlin and Shanghai. This challenge may as well be called Knock Me Out of the Park, Kenley. The winning design will be sold, which charges everyone up. Nothing very noteworthy happens during shopping and construction, so it's on to the runway show.

Leanne, who has come out of nowhere, makes a beautiful dark blue dress, and vastly improves the layered jacket, which looked bulky and dumpy during construction. The other favorite is Korto, who slips a peek of banana yellow beneath a black and white dress, which looks lovely. That's really it for the good ones, but there has to be a top three, so the judges pretend that Kenley's simple dress is awesome. Eh. It's well made, but that floral print was probably stolen off some grandma's sofa. Leanne takes her second challenge in a row, which is fairly rare. Other designers are fair to middling, but never fear. There's always some truly awful design to tear apart. Joe makes an ill-fitting garment that includes metallic hot pink. What, you don't remember all the metallic hot pink from those '40s movies? When Jerell is on, he's on, but when he's off, it's hard to beat his sheer crapitude. He just can't stay away from those goofy hats.

Tiffany: "Didn't she deliver the telegram in Clue?"

Blayne once again brings the tacky-licious by making some weird-ass jodhpurs. Stella creates a collar that aims for exotic sophisticate, but as Diane points out, looks kind of vampiric instead. In the end, Joe, Stella, and Suede's faux-camouflage wind up in the bottom three. Odd. I'm no Suede fan, but Jerell's was so much worse. Stella gets the boot, which kind of sucks. Not that she blows me away as a designer, but wouldn't it have been fun to see what a thirteen-piece leather collection would look like?

Overall Grade: B+

Common Threads

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: Improv comedy. Spike finally got to make his soup, much to Antonia's chagrin. Ptom threatened Antonia with elimination, but it was Jennifer who took the long walk. The lesbians just can't catch a break this season. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Oooh, Haagen Dazs! Yes, please.

Morning in Chicago. Lisa smokes a cigarette out on the deck, her customary expression of "What the fuck you lookin' at?" settled on her face. Stephanie, who's been among the judges' favorites, finally saw what it felt like to be at the losers' table, and she's not a fan. Antonia, also not happy to have been at the losers' table, grouchily declares that fuck it, she's just going to stick to her guns from now on. Has she...not been doing that? Seems to me she's been plenty stalwart, but whatever. Mark wants to kick-start his American career. The chefs drag themselves out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs stroll into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Art Smith. He's won award for writing cookbooks and for humanitarianism, but apparently the real scoop is that he's Oprah's personal chef. Despite what several of the websites I read avow, not everyone's in the Cult of Oprah, so this is news to me. News I don't particularly care about. He seems like a personable fellow, so yay for that. Normally, I don't mention product placement in this blog, cause it's not like I'm getting cut any checks. Still, I'll willingly cheer for products I like, and these microwaveable packets of Uncle Ben's rice is one of them. Seriously, they're good and they're fast. They figure into today's Quickfire, which is all about speed and efficiency. The chefs have only fifteen minutes to throw together an entree. Lisa, half-amused and half-grumpy, interviews that this will lead to complete chaos. Padma says they're welcome to use the ninety-second packets of rice for an assist, and starts the clock.

Chefs scatter more violently than usual. Richard interviews that quick food doesn't really dovetail with his style of cooking. Everyone runs all over, trying not to collide. Dale says that it's helpful that a lot of Asian dishes are naturally fast, coming together quickly under intense heat. Stephanie improvs a week too late, throwing together some scallop pancakes that she's never made before. Spike returns to his Greek roots by stuffing some peppers with a rice mixture. Antonia falls back on an old family favorite: Rice salad. She assures us it tastes better than it sounds. Mad chopping and pouring montage. A blender makes a cyclone of rice that looks super-cool. Richard abandons any hope of making something refined, and concentrates on making sure the dish is complete and seasoned properly. I'm not sure how I feel about his overall personality, but I really like Richard's ruthless efficiency and his ostentation-free competence; they're surprisingly rare characteristics in most reality show competitors. Harold also had that combination, and look where that got him. Mark says that this is the most difficult Quickfire, and although he's tasted all the components of his miso-glazed turkey, he didn't taste everything together. Well, sure. Milk chocolate is good, and macaroni and cheese is good, so they must be awesome together, right? Time runs out.

Padma and Art go down the line. Antonia's rice salad is made of arugula, red onion, and cherry tomatoes, and is augmented by some skirt steak on the side. Art likes the combination of cold and hot. Nikki has made a simple vegetable fried rice, which was a good idea, if not very inventive. She's put a bowl of soy sauce on the side, saying that she always slathers her fried rice in it. Me too, Nikki. Art seems to enjoy it. Richard has made a quick tuna steak with tomatoes and truffle oil over the rice, and has a yuzu vinaigrette. Art likes the yuzu with the tomato, which Richard actually seems surprised by. Stephanie explains her unfamiliarity with her scallop pancakes, which were also made with brown rice, and is topped with greens. Art says that it was a clever idea. Stephanie hopes to finally nail down some immunity.

Spike's peppers are stuffed with veal, port, and a rice wine vinegar sauce. Art says that it's wonderful, and a great way to serve a vegetable. Lisa's plate is messy, and includes rice, corn, black beans, peppers, grilled shrimp, lime juice, tequila-sauteed onions, and an avocado cream. Well, it's messy, but it sounds good. Art says something non-committal about the acid from the lime juice. Dale has pineapple fried rice with grilled scallops and some Chinese long beans. Art likes the use of an often-ignored vegetable. Mark's turkey is the first dish to get an out-and-out criticism. Both judges find it much too dry. Andrew has crusted some fish with almonds and rice, and serves it with a sun-dried tomato pesto. Art says it's a clever idea, but that Andrew needs more than fifteen minutes to get this one right. Andrew is, like, "yep".

Results. Bottom three first. Mark's dish didn't work at all. Stephanie's idea was good, but the cake was heavy and the scallops were unnecessary. Man, she blows at Quickfires. Lisa's food was unoriginal. Now, to the top three. Dale's food tasted good, and was a complete meal. Richard's yuzu was delicious on the tomato. Antonia's rice salad and steak mixed cold and hot well. So well that she wins the challenge and its attendant immunity. She takes it as another sign to stay true to who she is. All right then.

Elimination Challenge. Padma explains that Art spearheads an initiative to get families to eat together. It's an extremely worthy idea, but if that's the extent of his "humanitarianism" referred to before, I call bullshit. Antonia is very supportive of this goal, saying that she grew up eating dinner with the family, and tries to do so with her own daughter as much as possible. I'm not sure how much that can be when you're a restaurant chef. I'd imagine that the dinner hours are taken up by... You know, other people's dinners. Padma says that families need to figure out how to make simple, affordable, nutritious meals, which figures into today's challenge. The chefs are to make a nutritious, complete dinner for a family of four, simple enough to be cooked at home with a bunch of ankle-biters running around. The real kicker is that they've only got ten dollars to do it. Yikes. Predictably, the single chefs (well, Andrew) are all "Whaaaaaaaaa?", while Antonia points out that not all of us get weekly wads of cash to drop at gourmet grocery stores. After shopping, the chefs will prep their food at a culinary institute. Everyone's dismissed.

Commercials. Okay, there is such a thing as a French fry that's too crispy. Let's not go nuts.

The chefs stream into Whole Foods for half an hour of shopping time with their ten bucks. Now, a lot of adjectives apply to Whole Foods, but I've got to tell you, "inexpensive" is not one of them. The last thing I bought there was some chicken breast that wasn't even a pound and a half, and that alone almost ran me ten dollars. So when the chefs charge to the poultry counter and load up on meat (chicken in most cases, turkey bratwurst for Dale), and still have money left over for organic vegetables, and whole wheat pasta, and whatever else, I'm suspicious. I guess they get access to a bunch of free ingredients back at the Kitchen, which is fine, but then let's not pretend that these meals actually cost ten dollars. Stephanie's mom raised her on gourmet food with little regard to cost, so she wanders around the aisles, flustered. Antonia, meanwhile, puts her mad phat single mom skillz to work. Mark compiles ingredients for a vegetable curry. As everyone checks out, they do what they can to avoid going overbudget. Antonia is literally peeling leaves of bok choy away to lower her bill by a quarter. Eventually, everyone makes it through.

Later that evening, Mark sits on his bed and plays a didgeridoo. I guess it's required by law to learn if you're from Australia or New Zealand. Antonia calls her daughter back home, and the entire conversation is cute as hell, especially the inclusion of a knock-knock joke I've never heard before.

Antonia: "Knock-knock."
Daughter: "Who's there?"
Antonia: "Smell mop."
Daughter: "Smell mop who?"
Antonia: "Get it?"
Daughter: "No..."
Antonia: "Smell mah poo."
Daughter and Limecrete: "Hahahaha!"

Antonia vows to us that she'll cook as hard as she can every single day, until she can't cook anymore. It's refreshing to see a contestant referencing her family back home without sounding like she was forced against her will to leave.

The next morning, the chefs head for the Washburne Culinary Institute, which appears to be housed in a community college. Everyone is still setting up when Padma and Art come in, and Padma asks everyone to gather around. You, madam, are no Tim Gunn. She smiles that the chefs will have some extra help today. Nikki looks like she knows exactly what's coming. The door opens, and some kids enter in big chef hats that threaten to swallow their heads. They're introduced as members of the program Art runs. Antonia's face crumbles. She's been doing well with focusing on the competition, but working with kids makes her a bit emotional, and she says that if she winds up with a girl, she'll probably wind up crying through the whole challenge. Padma thanks the kids for helping out, then pairs them off with chefs. Stephanie's kid is practically as tall as she is. Heh, I feel you on that one, Stephanie. Andrew says it's an honor to work with his assistant, bowing politely. Luckily for Antonia, she gets a boy. Everyone seems perfectly content to look after the kids, and I wonder to myself how Tiffani would have handled this challenge.

Everyone gets started on prep work, and we're let in on some menus. Lisa is making chicken breasts with edamame, lime, and black beans, and there will be some white bread with peanut butter and apple. She says that her girlfriend has a kid who loves to cook, and it's great when he wants to help out. Her assistant isn't too keen on garlic, so she merrily trashes it. Heh. Richard works on chicken thighs, and will also be including beet, avocado, lime, jalapeno, apple, black beans, and ginger root. He's a bit concerned with how the beets will go over with kids. Yeah, beets are tricky. Antonia sets about making a stir fry with linguine, chicken breast, bok choy, carrots, onion, red pepper, and edamame. After ascertaining that her assistant won't chop his hand off, she turns the veggies over to him. Spike knows spaghetti is a big hit in Kid World, so he's making some with pasta sauce, capers, olives, and Parmesan. There's also going to be a carrot soup with oranges, and some baked apples. His assistant tries to peel a carrot, and almost immediately nicks himself. Yep, that's how you learn. Geysers of blood is how I learned how to (or rather, how NOT to) cut the skin off a sausage. They head over to the sink to rinse the cut, and Spike's assistant shakes off the pain and gets back on peeling the carrots. Atta boy.

Mark tries to describe curry to his assistant. He says that trying new foods can be daunting, and Lisa agrees in interview that curry for a family meal is probably not the best idea, as it's too complicated. Mark's curry includes curry paste, coconut milk, sweet potatoes, cucumber, and naan. Mmm...naan. Haven't had that in far too long. Nikki pours out a liberal amount of olive oil, asking her assistant if she likes it. Sure, who doesn't? Nikki's roasting chicken with red potatoes and Brussels sprouts, with an apple/grape tomato/cucumber salad on the side. She tells us she was raised by a single parent, and started cooking for herself when she was about eight. Dale puts his assistant to work, and explains his menu of turkey bratwurst, potatoes, onions, red cabbage, apples, salsa, and mustard. He says that his assistant is the smallest kid there, which he can empathize with. Dale actually achieves charm for once, as he rues plateauing at 5'5" in seventh grade, which crushed his dreams of playing basketball. Andrew sets up an assembly line of sorts for his assistant to bread the chicken thighs in crumbs, egg, and Parmesan. There'll also be a fennel salad.

Kender: "He can't stop breading things."

Andrew laments the state of healthy eating in America, saying that he, himself used to weigh over 200 pounds in high school, and had to lose a lot of weight. Well, that crack addiction seems to have done the trick. Stephanie and her assistant work on a vegetable couscous that includes eggplant, zucchini, tomatoes, and Parmesan. The couscous is topped with some chicken in a peanut butter/tomato sauce. Yes, you read that correctly. There is also an apple/yogurt/granola dessert that Stephanie's assistant takes charge of.

Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He's really good with the kids, which is heartening. We find out he's going to be spending the entire time in the kitchen, I guess to make sure the chefs are actually allowing the kids to help out, and to see how simple the dishes are to prepare. Cooking montage. Chefs and their kids begin to plate. Time runs out. High fives are exchanged.

Commercials. If you drink your beer at a certain temperature, women will want to have sex with you.

The judges (Padma, Gail, and Art) come into the culinary institute's dining room, and greet the tables full of kids. I wonder how many portions of each dish had to be made, because there is no way in hell ten bucks could feed this many people. Richard's food is brought out first, and out of the corner of my eye, I see that someone's playing Connect Four. Oh, sweet. Try to get him diagonally! Pretty sneaky, sis! His assistant gets to sit with some other kids to eat, and Richard brings his roasted chicken with black beans, apple, and avocado/beet salad to the judges. Everyone likes it, though Art would have taken the skin off the chicken. OK, I know they're supposed to be making nutritious food, but the skin's the best part! Lisa brings out her roasted chicken with edamame and black beans. Her assistant has smeared bread with peanut butter and done an artistic arrangement of apples on top. The judges aren't wild about the chicken, but do like the side snack.

Dale comes out with his turkey bratwurst, which looks tasty. One of the kids worriedly asks how spicy it is. Heh. The judges find the cabbage strong, which Padma says is fine for some people, but when you're cooking for a family of varying tastes, the flavors should be more universal. I guess I can see where she's coming from with that, though I don't necessarily agree. Spike's table is thrilled to see the spaghetti, and it looks like he's been able to do the most with his budget. His assistant explains to Gail that they've made pasta puttanesca, carrot soup with oranges, and semi-baked apples. Spike says the apples didn't have time to bake all the way, but are still okay. Art slurps up some noodles.

LabRat: "Oh, yeah. You know he likes pasta."

The judges really like the flavor, and the amount of vegetables that went into it. Nikki is happy with the way her chicken came out, as are the judges. Art is particularly impressed that it was prepared in one pot, which I'm glad they gave some attention to. I'm always seeing online recipes and television cooks proudly brag about how simple something is, then go on to describe the thirty-three dishes, utensils, and instruments I'll need to make it. I don't have a dishwasher. If I can throw a meal together in twenty minutes, but it takes twice as long to clean up afterwards, that's not what I'd call "simple". Anyway, Gail likes how complete Nikki's dish is.

Ptom chows down in the kitchen, which makes Mark nervous. He takes his vegetable curry out to the other judges, and lets his assistant explain that it comes with cinnamon rice and cucumber salad. The judges think the curry is far too sweet, and that the dish doesn't have enough protein in it. Antonia brings out her chicken and vegetable stir fry with whole wheat noodles. It looks really good. Damn, I've got to stop sitting down to write these entries before I eat. Padma says Antonia's dish has trumped Spike's spaghetti. Gail points out that Antonia certainly knows what she's doing in this challenge, as it's what she does in real life. Andrew brings out his chicken paillard. Ah, so that explains why we saw his assistant beating the chicken with a frying pan. Art finds it to be a very well-executed dish. Stephanie brings out her veggie couscous and chicken in peanut butter/tomato sauce. There's also a simple plate of apples mixed with yogurt and granola. The judges don't like the couscous at all, and Gail says that the dish is a good example of a restaurant chef that obviously doesn't cook much at home. Ouch.

We have a slight break with tradition, as Ptom is the one to congratulate the chefs and tells them that he'll see them at Judges' Table. The chefs wander out, and Ptom joins the other judges out in the dining room. He tells them how the chefs did a good job of letting the kids get involved with the cooking. Nikki's dish was colorful, delicious, and presented well. Antonia's dish was unsurprisingly successful. Ptom adds that Antonia told him that it's one of the dishes Antonia makes with her daughter at home. On the other hand, Lisa's dish was a bland plate of food, and Stephanie's peanut butter/tomato sauce was way off. We spend a brief moment back with the chefs so we can hear that Richard's anxious to get home and impregnate his wife.

Commercials. No need to do Dr. Phil imitations anymore. Imitations are for culturally relevant people.

Fret 'n' sweat. The chefs talk about how awesome their assistants were. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Andrew, Nikki, and Antonia to Judges' Table. They are, of course, the top three of the challenge, and are happy to hear it. Nikki's one-pot dish was a great idea, and was well-seasoned. Andrew made fruit accessible in a savory dish, and introduced fennel to children in an intelligent way. Antonia's stir fry was delicious and delicate. Gail points out that these dishes prove that it's not necessary to dumb food down for children. Art gets to announce the challenge winner. It's Antonia, with the rare double win. Well, if you ignore that Richard pulled off the same feat last week. I guess it's not as rare as I'd like to think. She's happy, saying it would have been embarrassing to lose at this challenge, and dedicates the win to her daughter. Unfortunately, the only thing her daughter receives is the duty of sending out this week's losing chefs. There's some quick applause for Antonia in the Kitchen, before she says that the judges want to see Lisa, Stephanie, and Mark. Wow, it's the same bottom three as in the Quickfire. Not a good week for these guys.

The Odd Asian music must be on vacation this week, but our friend the gong is still around. Lisa is already scowling. Stephanie looks petrified. Mark's expression never changes. Like, ever. Padma duhs that the three of them had the least successful dishes. Stephanie is asked why she thinks she's here, and she guesses that her dish wasn't simple enough. Ptom says that the big problem was the bizarre combination of peanut butter and tomatoes. Art says the portion was too large, which I refuse to accept as a valid criticism, and that the couscous wasn't right. Stephanie agrees that it was slightly overcooked, and answers in the affirmative when asked if she spent her entire budget. No, dorks, she spent six bucks and pocketed the rest so she could get a box of Cap'n Crunch.

Mark says he tasted the curry before it went out, and that he was fine with it. He doesn't know why he's at the losers' table, guessing that it's because Ptom doesn't like him. Ptom cracks up, and says he hopes Mark isn't serious. Mark appears to be at least half-serious, saying Ptom is really difficult to please. Art and Gail say that Mark could have put a lot more vegetables and more protein into the dish. Mark says that there are plenty of vegetarian dishes lacking protein in restaurants everywhere, so he doesn't really get the point of the criticism. The judges don't have a response to that. Lisa snaps that she enjoyed her dish, but lets her voice relax when she says that she thought it was nutritious, balanced, and had some sweetness at the end. Ptom says he found the beans and edamame undercooked and underseasoned. Yeah, I love edamame, but you have to salt the shit out of it. Lisa scowls some more.

Tiffany: "She looks like she's got mono."
Limecrete: "She could suck a lemon from here to Tupelo."
Tiffany: "She was weaned on a pickle."

Lisa says that she's learned her lesson from the last challenge, and tried to stick to the rules of this one: Originality, simplicity, nutrition, and affordability. She implies that the tight budget meant getting supplies that aren't as good. That doesn't really explain the underseasoning, but I see what she means. Ptom says she hit the points of the challenge, but that the beans just needed more flavor. The chefs are dismissed. Deliberations. Lisa can't take criticism. Her food was beautiful, but flavorless. Back in the Kitchen, Lisa's saying that if she was expecting a criticism, it would be that the food would be overseasoned, not under. That's not the first time we've heard that, and I have to wonder if the judges' palates have been hit with so much spice, they can't taste anything that isn't a punch to the uvula. Mark's curry was sloppy and unappealing. Ptom thinks he didn't spend his money wisely. Stephanie has made sensible, well-thought decisions up until this week. Her sauce was disgusting, and Padma detested it. Art says that couscous should be easy, and Stephanie's was mush on a plate. The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. Feel free to keep inundating us with these ads, Bravo. I'm still not watching a knockoff of a knockoff of a dancing show.

Elimination. Ptom is once again forced into using horrible puns, saying that the "common thread" of these dishes is that they weren't good. Stephanie's sauce was off-putting. Mark didn't use his money well, and the dish never came together. Lisa's meal was plenty nutritious, but lacked flavor. He hands it over to Padma for the chopping. Mark, please pack your knives and go. Stephanie lets her breath out. Ptom adds a bit defensively that for the record, he doesn't dislike Mark; that he's a good competitor and fun to be around. Mark is surprised to be eliminated, as most people are on this show. He's not bitter, though, saying that it'll be a valuable stepping stone and was good experience. He thinks the other chefs are great people, and will continue to work towards owning his own restaurant. Peachy.

Next week on Top Chef: Yes, I actually watched the preview for once. Why not, since they went ahead and ruined it during the commercials in this episode? A long night of cooking drives the chefs crazy. Wedding food. Uh, oh.

Overall Grade: B