The Girl With The Twisted Catch Phrase, Part II

America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 2

On the previous hour of America's Next Top Model: Mad scientists tuned in and diabolically planned to combine Sarah's lips, Coryn's eyebrows, Lisa's everything else, and Nicole's personality to make the most freakish monster to date. 23 girls dreaming of fame and fortune were sent cryin' home to mama.

Beverly Hills. The girls convene at City Hall because... Because... Because, shut up! That's why. The two Jays meet them there and congratulate them on making it this far. They're going to kick off the day by taking a guided bus tour of the stars' homes. And who's going to lead them on this tour? Robin Leach!!!! Eeeeee!!! All the kids these days love him! Ashley pretends to be a big fan of his (even misquoting his old signoff). Let's see. Ashley is 22, and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous was big in the mid '80s. That means Ashley the super-fan is claiming that she enjoyed his show when she was about 2 years old. Math is fun! Fugly Lisa actually scores a point by being like "He's still alive?" No, but they did reanimate his corpse for this episode. He passes around some champagne (and some apple cider for the minors), and Fugly Lisa swigs straight from the bottle instead of pouring it into a glass. Cassandra snots that Lisa is classless, but didn't want to rub it in her face. Looks like Cassandra and Fugly Lisa are so not going to the Winter Snow Ball together. The girls ride down Rodeo Drive, then look at some very nice homes (I don't know about 25 million dollars worth of nice, but nice nonetheless), finally pulling up to a very pretty, spacious house that turns out to be the model pad for this season. It's even got a hot tub inside and a pool out back. You just know the Cycle 1 girls are watching this, thinking about their cramped hotel loft, and saying "Fuck that shit."

Kim and Ashley share the honor of the first confessional, talking about how they're great friends. Hmm. Later, Kim is telling some of the girls about her girlfriend back home and how they have an open relationship. Sarah is extremely intrigued by this, even "kiddingly" offering to make out with Kim. She interviews that she doesn't know any full-blown lesbians, but she's very open minded (read: gay). Evening. Fugly Lisa goes into the confessional and says a lot of words that basically amount to nothing. Enjoy the camera time while you have it, sweetie.

Morning. The girls chat over breakfast, and Cassandra notes that her feet are dirty, so the house must not be super clean. To Nicole, this somehow translates to Cassandra being a "control freak". Oh, and that she's "overbearing" and "driving people nuts". Hey, has anyone seen my pot or my kettle? I'd like to compare their colors real quick. Some more girls complain about what a horrible, spoiled brat Cassandra is, but honestly? I'm not seeing it. I'm perfectly willing to believe the Texas beauty queen is a spoiled brat, but you're going to have to give me more than her calmly stating that the water in the pool is cold before I'm going to buy it.

Tyra Mail! It reads "Do you have much self-esteem? How much are you worth?", which will turn out to have absolutely nothing to do with the evening's events. Whatever. The girls are picked up by one of those hideous, white stretch hummers that some people are unsuccessfully trying to pass off as classy these days. Note to bridal couples and prom dates: they're not. The inside is tricked out in ANTM style. It looks like Barbie's Dream House exploded. Everything's pink and there's makeup everywhere. It seems that this will be their transportation for the entire season. Man, this season is swank. There is substantially more money being passed around than the last one. They arrive at a nightclub and meet OJ, who is decked out in a moronic pink blazer. He explains that they will be walking in a runway show that evening, and that all sorts of celebrities will be present. Sarah is nervous that she's going to repeat her clumsy stumble from the casting fashion show. Point for self-awareness.

Commercials. Oh, my God! Trident is now available with xylotol! It's about time! What do you mean, what's xylotol? It's... It's... It's shut up! That's what it is.

When we return, the party has begun. And wow, look at these celebrities. Tori Spelling! French Stewart! Miss J and Nigel are also in attendance. OJ tells the girls that they need to get their makeup on while the outfits are being prepped. Everyone starts applying cosmetics. Except Kim. Kim wanders around talking about how she's never worn makeup. She asks Ashley for help, and Ashley...doesn't. Ebony describes this "rudeness" of Ashley's to us in an interview, like, wouldn't the cameras have caught this discussion? Why are we getting it second hand? Ebony does help Kim apply her makeup while Ashley interviews that she didn't help Kim because she's in a competition. Kim whines that she can't trust Ashley, and we're supposed to feel all bad for her. OK, hold up. First of all, not helping your competitors gain an advantage is not a sign of rudeness, no matter how much you like them. Secondly, maybe Ashley needed to, you know, do her own makeup, given that time is short. Third, anyone who enters a modeling competition and doesn't know how to apply fucking eyeliner deserves what she gets. It's like "I want to be a race car driver! What's an engine?" I generally like Kim and generally dislike Ashley, but that was bullshit. Shut up, Kim.

Everyone gets dressed. The runway is square, so the models will cross at one point. Devious. Sarah describes her bad walk some more. WE GET IT. OJ introduces the emcee for the evening: Nate Dogg!! You know, Nate Dogg!! He tore up the charts! In 1996. I don't pretend to know much about hip-hop artists, but these are some weak ass celebrities. I half expect Charo to pop up at some point. Let's hit it. The show is fairly ridiculous. The girls are supposed to represent things like "spunky", "avant-garde", and "sensual" but basically all have the same type of dress on. The script reads like a third-grade book report, and Nate Dogg still bumbles his way through it, often saying the words pho-a-net-ti-clee. Kim has the worst walk I've seen in a long time. She's lucky Sarah's around to deflect attention. Ah, Sarah. She trips over herself. Sigh. The girls change into their second outfits. Sarah's out first, and trips over herself again. So that's three times she's fallen out of three times she's been on the runway. She's a shoo-in to win this season, don't you think? We don't see any of the other girls walk in their second outfits, because who cares? Sarah fell again!

After the show, the girls are in the limo cutting loose. Sarah is upset with her performance, and Kim says "You're a beautiful girl, what's wrong with you?" "You think I'm beautiful?" Sarah says. Kim assents, and before you know it, Sarah leaps across the car and starts full-on making out with Kim. Not a quick smooch. Long, elaborate kissing. Sarah is so gay. If she were any gayer, her name would be Gay Gayerson. I wonder what it's like to kiss Sarah's lips. It'd probably be like making out with a hot dog bun. "I didn't really think that was going to happen," Kyle interviews hilariously. "That's one down, eleven to go!" Kim shouts, and that was awesome. What's particularly nice is that while they're surprised, none of the other girls seem to have any moral objection to what just happened. We've come a long way from Robin, thankfully.

Commercials. Hey, Just Like Heaven is the #1 comedy this week. That's quite an accomplishment, given its stiff competition from... From... From shut up! That's what from.

We're back just in time to find Ebony and Fugly Lisa shit-talking Cassandra. Cassandra actually enters soon thereafter, and Fugly Lisa actually tells her to her face that they were talking about her, saying that she's like a perfect pageant-girl robot and rudely asks her to explain herself. I have to write Cassandra's response verbatim, because it's that cool: "You know how sociopaths don't feel emotions, that's why they can kill people without ever, like, feeling bad about it? Only I never killed anybody." Fugly Lisa is struck absolutely dumb, staring agape, and for a brief shining moment or two, Cassandra is my absolute favorite person on this planet. Tyra Mail! There will be a photo shoot the next day.

The girls are taken at 5:30 AM (yuck) to a fairly wide city alley. Should the sun be this bright this early in the morning? Maybe they had a long commute or something. OJ explains that they will be dressed up as superheroes, and will be doing some flying. That's a really cool idea. He introduces Mike, the photographer, and the girls "Wooooo!!!" like they know who he is. All right, let's get this out of the way first. The hair, makeup, and outfits on this shoot are all superb. Well done, stylists. Kim's up first, and I think she's prettier with longer hair (she's got fake hair woven in). She has some trouble on the harness. Kim bemoans her bad performance to her "friend" Ashley, and the response is "Dude, you were sucking real bad. It was incredible." OK, this time I'm on Kim's side. Shut up, Ashley. Ashley herself is up second, and doesn't do a good job either. OJ talks about both of them not being good, and...wait. Freeze frame for a second. Is OJ getting pudgy? He totally is. That fills me with joy. Time to lay off the tight T-shirts, oinker. We'll both benefit. Bre, Nik, Kyle, and Diane all do a good job.

Coryn tells us that she's afraid of heights. Dude, you'll be, like, twenty feet up. You don't get to freak out about that. Fugly Lisa is next and brags about how great she is. Shut up, bitch. It's now Coryn's turn, and with all the great makeup on these girls, hers is the best. She's got a sort of inverse rainbow pattern around her eyes. Very pretty. Her hot pink outfit isn't doing much for me, though. She's scared to death, and kind of sucks at the mid-air posing. Cassandra rocks out as an evil-looking character. I don't care what these girls say; Cassandra is awesome. If you'd told me before the show that I'd wind up liking the Texas pageant queen, I'd have laughed in your face. Then punched you. Then apologized and have taken you out for a beer or something. Nicole, Ebony, and Sarah are bland. Jayla's dressed as a bat. Niiiice. OJ gathers the girls and tells them that they didn't suck as hard as he expected them to. Aw, he's so sweet. Back at the house, Tyra Mail awaits. Elimination tomorrow. Everyone's naturally scared of being the first one cut.

Commercials. I often say that life should be more like a musical, but if everyone around me starts simultaneously emulating Shakira, I'll throw myself in front of a bus.

We come back to a pretty impressive portrait of Tyra as a superhero, and a new, fancy Chamber of Doom. Straighten your damn necklace, Tyra. She recaps the prizes. Zzzzz. Now the judges. Welcome back, Nigel. I missed you. Hello, Miss J. I expect you to be way better than that prissy Nole. Miss J is wearing a huge corsage made up of 13 flowers, and says that he'll pluck one off each week as each girl is eliminated. That's a tad melodramatic, even for him. The last judge is Twiggy. I don't know much about her, but there's no way she'll be as entertaining as Janice. She is very nice and pretty though. And you've got to love British accents. The evaluations will be on the runway show and the photo shoot. No final challenge this time, I guess.

Fugly Lisa's up first. I hate to say it, but she did pretty damn good on the runway, and her photo's cool too. She's less fugly with all that electric blue makeup on. Nicole. Her runway is unremarkable and her photo sucks. Nigel tells her she looks "wide" in the picture. Hah! Kyle. Eh. Neither the judges nor I really have any strong feelings on her one way or the other. Bre. She did a stupid horse trot walk on the runway, but looks terrific in the shot. She's got hands down the best pose of the 13. I don't know how she's bending that way, but it's extremely striking. Kim. Horrid walk, bleh picture. Ebony. I like her runway, but the photo is unimpressive. The judges tell her she looks like ET. "Those are my initials," she responds, which is about the best thing you can say in that situation. Do I still like Ebony? I didn't care for the siding with Kim during the eyeliner debacle nor the trashing of Cassandra, but she's not beyond hope, I guess. Diane. Tyra feels that she's got a very nice face, but tends to forget about her body, both in the runway and the photo. I'd agree with that.

Ashley. Her runway walk is too slow and slouchy, and her picture is awful. Even Twiggy, who's generally been complimentary so far, hates it. Nik. Her head is too bouncy during the walk, but her photo is really good. Even with the Vulcanish forehead pasted on. Coryn. Very nice, graceful walk. I don't like the photo, aside from the awesome eye makeup I mentioned earlier. Jayla. Awful, awful runway. She's pretty much feeling herself up. In the photo, she pulls an inverse Diane. Great body pose, but the face is kind of weak. Cassandra. Her runway walk isn't really good or bad, but what a bitchin' photo. Very impressive. Sarah. Do we even need to talk about the runway? The judges tell her that falling is one thing, but recovery is another. She's got to learn to act like nothing in the world could be more natural than tripping all over yourself. The photo's pretty good, though.

Commercials. I admit it. I like the nerdy lady who shrieks about her cell phone bill.

Deliberations. There is absolutely nothing worth repeating. Elimination. Blah dee blah. Loser goes home. Nik is safe. Fugly Lisa. Cassandra. Diane. Jayla. Kyle. Bre. Ebony. Coryn. Tyra gets a good dig in at her Groucho Marx eyebrows. Nicole is safe. Kim. Would Ashley and Sarah please step forward? OK, we all know where this is going. Ashley may be a not very nice, not very pretty, not very smart girl, but Sarah can barely stand up. Surely she'll be the one to go. This is so unsuspenseful. But suddenly, Sarah is safe! Wha? That was a weird decision, but it got rid of Ashley, so I'm not complaining.

Miss J plucks a flower off his corsage. Ashley tells the others to make her proud. A little late to start acting classy, but thanks, Ashley. She cries. I am indifferent. She does rightly say that although it totally sucks to be the first one out, there'll only be one winner at the end, anyway. True enough. She fights down her tears and heads out. And...Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! That's always good for a meltdown or two. It looks like Cassandra has a big tantrum, so my love affair with her may be very brief, indeed. Everyone hates Fugly Lisa. Especially Kim, who does a hilariously mean impression of her behind her back.

Overall Grade: B+

The Girl With The Twisted Catch Phrase, Part I

America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 1

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Naima kicked all dem bitches' asses, yo! Limecrete took a stroll back in time to Cycle 1 to watch Adrianne jumpstart her career as a professional reality show famewhore.

Kick off the season with some horrifically awful audition tapes? Oh, let's do! Various girls beg to be on the show. Oh, cripes. One of the girls actually sent in an honest-to-goodness video of herself jumping on a trampoline. More like tramp-oline. I only wish that was the most degrading thing we'll see in this episode. And look, Tyra's being "funny" by doing a horrifically awful audition tape of her own! Yeah. Let's just move on from that, shall we?

36 semi-finalists arrive in Los Angeles, and the crazy jumps out at us from the get-go. Cassandra has her own "communications expert" that tells her how to act. Bre is from Harlem, but looks like she was dressed by a blind, retarded rodeo clown. Other freakshows follow. The semi-finalists meet and greet at the Beverly Hills Hilton. Ebony interviews that she's sizing up her competition and that these other girls are "gor-jus". Hilariously, we hear this over a shot of Sarah, which...well, we'll get to her later. The hideous Orange Jay arrives. Spew. I'll just save some time and call him OJ from now on. It still makes you think of oranges, plus it's associated with another psychopath! Perfect. The girls give their first of many, many, many "Woooooo!" shrieks upon meeting him. I'd shriek too, but for another reason. OJ welcomes them. Kyle interviews that she's so excited she almost peed herself. Normally, I'm against giving girls men's names in order to make them sound cute, but it works for her.

The next morning, the girls tromp outside for their first mini-challenge: basic posing. And the guest judge will be? Miss Jay! Yay! Posing, posing, posing. And then, wonder of wonders, Tyra comes out! To meet the girls! What do you mean, why am I using exclamation points!?! It's exciting! You can tell because the girls scream like they're meeting the freaking Beatles. I mean, you knew she was going to pop up sooner or later. Dial it back a bit. Nicole gushes that she's never even met a small celebrity, and here she is meeting the biggest star of all time: Tyra Banks! Nicole, I know you're from North Dakota, but I assume you can still get Entertainment Weekly delivered there. Work on your celebrity hierarchy trivia. Ebony runs out and hugs Tyra, then brags about it in an interview. I don't know why, but I like Ebony.

Later, it's time for the panel evaluations: basic runway walk, some questions, and showing off your body in a swimsuit. Bre is first, and as bad as she looked at the airport...that's how good she looks here. She's gorgeous. Miss J smells her armpits. Don't ask me. Kyle's up next, and describes working at the Dairy Queen in Michigan. If this little scene doesn't remind you of Parker Posey in Waiting For Guffman, get thee to a video store, now. She's pretty, too. Kim comes out with her butch haircut and her deep voice and interviews that she's a lesbian. No way! I never would have guessed! Probably because my gaydar exploded the second she walked out. Wow, she's pretty too. Good casting this season. Jayla is a Jehovah's Witness, but has strayed. She has sex, she doesn't go to church, blah blah blah. Oh, and she's a smoker, which she didn't really have to say, because girlfriend's teeth? I can't believe it's not butter. Other than that, she's cute. Next up is Nicole, whom I didn't really register when she was talking about how Tyra is a huge celebrity, but who now I instantly hate. She doesn't get along with her mom. Fascinating. She actually gets on her knees and begs to be in the competition. Wow, does she have a birthday coming up? I'd love to get her some dignity. Tyra and the Jays are not impressed. Nicole says that if she gets in, she won't complain about anything. I totally believe her. Don't you? That evening the girls buy a bunch of stuff at the grocery store, and they get into a ridiculous fight about chapstick. No, really. Nicole is fucking freaking out because she thinks the others will leave without getting the chapstick, and she's looking for it in, like, the motor oil aisle. Nice to see that vow to not complain lasted about three hours. Bre politely talks her down, but interviews that she's about ready to stuff her in a closet. Bre rocks.

Commercials. Crest Whitestrips. Paying attention, Jayla?

The next morning, the girls are...doing the Electric Slide in their hotel room. Um, what? Did someone slip me some hallucinogenic mushrooms? Time for some more panel interviews. Nik comes out looking not so great, with her hair pulled into a faux-mohawk and some glasses that don't really suit her. Then they cut to her in an interview, and she's beautiful. Her bathing suit rides up her butt. I don't quite know what to make of her. Next is Diane, who whips off her sunglasses in an aren't-I-cool gesture. I hated that, but then she kind of makes fun of herself for her broad Puerto Rican accent, so I don't completely hate her. She's not as stunning as some of the other girls, but has potential. She calls herself "Big D", though. Ew. Next! Oh, Susanna. Don't you cry for me. She cries for herself, because she's a breast cancer survivor. At age nineteen! All respect due to her for that, of course, but that still doesn't mean she's got what it takes to be a model, and she? Doesn't. I hate to be mean to someone who's been through that hell, but she is not in the least bit pretty. Various other girls we know have no chance do their generic model walks.

The next girl with some screen time is Cassandra, a Texas beauty queen. Oh, dear. We know how Tyra feels about pageant girls. She breezily answers some questions about current pageant winners, then Tyra asks her to name three Cover Girls. Ah, our old friend the cricket chirp is back. Missed you, editors! We never see her in a bathing suit, for some reason. Ashley's up, and she almost ties with Nicole in going from zero to hate in .4 seconds. She does know her fashion designers, though. Back in the hotel room, a fugly girl named Lisa fake interviews Cassandra as though she were in a pageant. Diane cracks up at her own lame "joke" about George Bush being dumb. Kim thinks Cassandra's obnoxious, but is pretty impressed that she embraces her annoying-beauty-queen demeanor so thoroughly. I like Kim. She reminds me of Elyse a little bit.

April is from Las Vegas and ugly. She loves her eyes. Who can tell with all that raccoon makeup and false lashes? Tyra and the Jays make her wash it all off and come back out. It's not an improvement. Tyra pretends to think differently, calling her a model in the making. Oh, then I'm sure she'll make the cut. She will, right? Spoiler: no. Ah, here's the aforementioned Fugly Lisa. She has a dumb haircut and bug eyes. She hates her mom, too. Tyra seems to love Lisa. Sigh. That evening the girls have sandwiches for dinner, and Nicole somehow cannot manage to make a cup of ramen noodles. How do you mess up ramen noodles? Everyone else hates her, and they get into another pointless fight, this one about who complains about what. This is almost as riveting as that chapstick blowout. And hey, Nicole was at the center of that one, too. Girls named Jessica and Adriana complain about the bitchiness of the other girls. On a reality show with models? Get out! Being well-adjusted gets you nowhere in this show, which is pretty much proven by the fact that we never see Jessica or Adriana again.

Commercials. Ooh, a movie about going to church! I am so there!

We're back. Next up is Sarah, and eek. I promised earlier we'd get to Sarah, didn't I? Shit. I want to support her, being a local girl and all (she's from Boonville, which I pass through on my way to and from Kansas City). But wow. Sarah's got lips. No, Sarah's got Lips. It looks like Sarah's lips ate Angelina Jolie's lips. Each one is about the size of a bratwurst. Bleh. Whitney's greatest asset is that she can sell pigs. No, really. Let's forget she even exists. Latricia has a voice like an air raid siren. And now for the most awesome part of the semi-finalist interviews. Krystle (one of the participants of the Complaining About Complainers fight) wants to take any money she gets and "put it toward the UN or helping out third-world countries". She's tired of people not helping the poor, y'all! Tyra asks her what community service she's done. Dead silence. Then more crickets. Hahahahaha!!! See ya, Krystle. Some boring chick named Melissa gets one line in, then disappears forever.

Now, Coryn. She seems nice and is fairly pretty but has serious eyebrow issues. She's like a not-as-cute Hera. She tells us her mom was on drugs. Was it Rogaine, by any chance? Regina is a natural redhead and has kind of a gravelly voice, so she gets two points from me right off the bat. She talks about how she wants to dye her hair blond and how she thinks she's fat (and she's not), so she loses those two points just as quickly as she got them. Ebony! She's got kind of a phony enthusiasm going and a doofy flower in her hair, but I still inexplicably like her. She's also the one with the titular catch phrase, "don't get it twisted". She never explains quite what that means, but it seems to signify something like "don't misunderstand me" or "I'm just keepin' it real". She knows pretty much all the other semi-finalists' names. Impressive. Too bad none of them like her. The girls amass and are told that they're going to take part in a "huge" fashion show, but that there's only room for 20 of them. Finally! Let's weed some of these bitches out! The 16 who don't make the cut have to sit in the audience and clap for the ones who do. Awesome. They stampede to the dressing room to find out who it's gonna be.

Commercials. Why does Eric Balfour keep getting work? He's untalented. He's ugly. He's like the male Claire Danes.

When we return, they replay the stampede to make sure that we get that they're excited. The ones who find their photos are the finalists. We see some of the lucky 20 find their pictures. Kyle's in. Coryn. Regina. April. Kim. Jayla. Bre (who's so very excited...she feels like she's "touching [her] star". Snerk.) Nicole. Ebony. Sarah. Fugly Lisa. Diane. We also get to talk to some of the losers. Bye, Susanna! See ya, Latricia! Mass chaos ensues backstage as the finalists get ready for the fashion show. One of the girls is Stacie, who we've never seen before, and will never see again. Um...congratulations? Ashley brags about how she's going to get the contract. I'm certainly close to putting a contract out on her, so she's not entirely wrong. Sarah worries about tripping, saying that heels are not exactly her forte. Sarah majored in understatement.

Let the "huge" fashion show begin! It is so huge, that the audience consists of the two Jays and the 16 loser girls! Huge! The show is pretty unremarkable. The only things of note are that Sarah does indeed stumble, Kim has a terrible runway walk, and Regina has more of a belly than I originally thought. Sorry for doubting you before, Regina.

OK, we need to get rid of more of these people. We'll take 20 down to 13 through the ancient art of the one-on-one interview. Man, are they boring. Although it is really funny when Fugly Lisa uses her one question to ask Tyra what it was like to work with Will Smith, and the editors insert the Scratching Record of Oh, No You Di'int Just Say That. Ooh, and when April talks about how smart she is by saying she has "a good head on [her] shoulder." Hah! Ebony inserts the word bananas randomly. Is she Gwen Stefani?

Commercials. OK, that MasterCard ad with all the product mascots getting together for dinner is pretty cute. But the Morton Salt girl shouldn't open her umbrella inside. It's bad luck.

Final deliberations. OJ is wearing a shirt that reads "Friend With Privileges". 1) Ew. 2) Who are you, Bruce Vilanch? 3) Ew. The only privilege I could see by being friends with OJ is that I'd look pretty hot by comparison. They discuss the various pros and cons of some of the girls. OJ does make a fairly astute point by saying Regina isn't heavy enough to be a plus-sized model, and isn't skinny enough to be a "normal" model. Evening. Time to announce the 13 girls who will actually take part in the competition. Let's get to it.

Cassandra. Nik. Kyle. Ashley. Brief sidebar: Tyra keeps saying "the next name that I'm going to call..." Tyra, we know it's the next name you're going to call by virtue of the fact that it is the next name you call. She is so irritating sometimes. OK. Bre. Kim. Sarah. Jayla. Coryn. Nicole. Diane. Fugly Lisa. And finally...Ebony! Yay!

Aw. I'm sorry to see Regina go. I don't know why Tyra hates redheads, but they never make the cut. Also, let's do some brief math. We know that 20 girls were just cut to 13. That leaves 7 losers. We know that Regina and April are two of them, because we saw them get their photos for the fashion show. Five losers. We know that Stacie is one of them because of her interview at the fashion show, and Whitney is one because she talks in her one-on-one about selling pigs or whatever. Three losers. And these three are very special losers. These three girls somehow managed to get through: the panel interviews, the scenes in between the interviews when everyone was fighting, the photo finding, the fashion show, the one-on-one interviews, and the final elimination without once being identified by name. Maybe one of them was one of the earlier girls who barely got any screen time, like Melissa or Jessica, but I don't think so. Wow. Doubly sucks to be them.

In the next hour of our season opener: The girls move into the model pad, and meet the mummified corpse of Robin Leach. Several people embarrass themselves at a runway show (including the show's narrator), and the girls take part in a "super" fashion shoot. Thirteen is such an unlucky number. Let's boot one more tonight, shall we?

Overall Grade: B