America's Next Top Model - Season 5 Bonus Episode
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Actual new content. This week, we've been faked out and tricked into watching a clip show so that people can catch up. I'd complain that there aren't likely to be new viewers that need this additional information, but then, I started watching Cycle 4 when it was down to about six girls, so I guess I should shut my fat yap.
Rather than recapping things I've already written about, I think I'll just mostly touch on the new footage. [If something has already been gone over in an old episode, and I'm glossing it over, I'll put it in brackets like this.] Being anal-retentive rocks!
We open on some shots of Tyra. You know, Tyra's often way too impressed with herself, but I do have to say that she knows how to rock a photograph. We are briefly hurdled back in time to see Adrianne (who I like a lot less now these days than I did when she was on the show), Yoanna (who?), Eva (who deserved to win, but whose My Life As A CoverGirl spots really got on my last nerve), and Naima (yay!) win their various cycles. We also see some of the horrifically awful audition tapes that opened this cycle, only this time I can put some names with the faces. That girl I called out as a tramp-oline back in episode 1? Jayla. Shocking.
[36 women were cut down to thirteen. Remember Nicole begging on her knees to be chosen? Ew. She's come a long way. We also get to relive the heartache of Redheaded Regina, who I still wish would have been chosen. Really, she would have been more interesting than Coryn, for God's sake. Plus, I could have called her Redgina! Ah, what might have been.]
[A jerky-looking Robin Leach ushered the girls into the model pad. Not jerky in the "mean" sort of way. Jerky in the "beef" sort of way. Kim's gay.]
Cassandra flicks water from her toothbrush onto Kyle. Kyle's all like "What the hell?" Cassandra jokes that she likes to pick on Kyle because she's too cute, and brings up the titular line about how when she sees a really pretty flower, she just wants to step on it. This is a good example of the editors trying their damnedest to make Cassandra look like a bitch, and failing. Yeah, that comment's a bit...disturbing, in its way, but Cassandra is clearly kidding around, and she flicked, like, two drops of water onto Kyle. Kyle doesn't even seem to care that much, though Kim looks furious. Lighten up, Kim. [We also get that awesome line about how psychopaths can kill without emotion that has been, to date, the one time someone rendered Fugly Lisa speechless. Sweet.]
Ashley brags about her experience with fashion and such. She gives some pretty accurate predictions on what the girls will have for their makeovers, actually. Oh, except when she predicts what they'll do to her. Mwahahahaha! She babbles on and on about her hair. Nicole hates her guts, and this is still at the point where Nicole was no Mary Likable herself, so take from that what you will.
[The girls did that stupid, boring fashion show with Nate Dogg as the narrator, and Sarah tripped so much, you'd think she was on acid.] Why they didn't include what follows in the original episode is beyond me, because it would have made the fashion show infinitely more interesting. Apparently Jayla, who has known Kim for all of two days, walks up to her, pokes her in the stomach, and says something like "Girl, you need to suck in that stomach." She claims in an interview that she was kidding, but so what? Telling someone you just met that they're fat is acceptable if you're joking? Not so much. Kim is not amused. [But, of course, that was the night that Sarah sprang across the Monster Humvee and made out with her, so that probably cheered her up.]
Back at the house, a bird has invaded the model pad. Kyle opines that he's blind, because all he does is run into stuff. Nicole says that all birds are blind. Kyle gets a hilarious look on her face, like "this girl is a moron", but politely says "Are you sure?". Nicole rambles on and on that she knows birds are blind because they're always almost running into cars and stuff, but they can sense where they are through hearing or whatever. I'm glad Nicole's trying to break into modeling, because somehow I doubt she'd go far in the field of, say, biochemistry. Kyle gently tries to disabuse her of this notion by saying that she was sure that her pet bird could see. Nicole responds that maybe it's just the outside birds that are blind. The entire purpose of this scene? Nicole is kind of dumb. Heh.
[Superhero photo shoot.] Ebony and Nicole shit-talk Cassandra. Jayla shit-talks Diane. Now, this is an interesting situation, because in the former, I feel like the editors are trying to make us feel sorry for Ebony and Nicole in a "Isn't Cassandra annoying?" kind of way. In the latter, they're trying to make us feel sorry for Diane in a "Isn't Jayla a bitch?" kind of way. It's a subtle shift, but I still feel like it's there. Of course, I totally agree that Jayla's a bitch, but again, instead of seeing Cassandra engaging in annoying behavior, all we hear is second-hand opinion that someone thinks she's annoying. It makes me think that they're trying to portray Cassandra as way more obnoxious than she really is, and that's really unfair. [Ashley sucks at the photo shoot.] Back at the model pad, Jayla continues her mean streak. Even Nicole interviews that Jayla has no social graces. Ouch. That would be like Carrot Top calling someone annoying. Not only that, but Fugly Lisa tells Jayla that she says things faster than she thinks about it. I think the universe just imploded. Jayla does that "accept me for the stupid asshole that I am!" speech that didn't work when the Weavers gave it on The Amazing Race, and doesn't work now. The point isn't for other people to adapt to your bitchiness. The point is for you to stop being such a goddamn bitch. [Ashley was cut.]
Commercials. I've read some really interesting articles and had some fascinating conversations with people lately about Rent. We're supposed to identify and sympathize with this group of friends, who, in the final analysis, refuse to get jobs to pay their rent, because they're such sensitive artistes. Regular jobs are beneath them. As a musical, it's great (and hopefully the movie will be too), but if these were real life people? I'd probably snort at them in disgust.
Coryn has brought along a fart machine to the model pad. I guess that's why there was no room for the eyebrow tweezers. She wants to try and trick the girls into thinking she's really farting. It looks like the only one she suckers is Nicole. Shocker. The whole segment is really juvenile, but I have to admit I giggled through it. I'm not made of stone! [Time for the makeovers. Oh, dear. I don't think anyone has to see this again. It's all burned into our brains. Tyra brings up the fact that at one time, each girl was supposed to have their own personal style that they'd use throughout the competition. Man, am I glad they dropped that idea. Cassandra gets all her hair chopped off and looks terrible, while Kyle looks completely amazing. *sniff* I miss Kyle.] Jayla again tries to kid with Kim (this time about her makeover), and it again comes out as sounding completely bitchy. She whinily interviews that the other girls don't "get" her sense of humor. Well then maybe you ought to stop "joking". Besides, I thought Jayla didn't care what people thought of her. Wasn't that the point of the whole "people have to get used to the shit I say, because I'm not changing" speech? You can be a rude loner or you can whine about inability to cultivate friends, Jayla. Not both.
[Cassandra cries and cries about her hair. The other girls get fed up with her. Girl-of-the-country photo shoot. Ebony sucks.] Fugly Lisa tries to play with the horse and it bucks out of her grip. Heh. Back at the house, Jayla shows off her six-inch stiletto heels. Yowch. Reason #4,593,935 I'm glad I'm not female. She hilariously interviews that she doesn't have one set best friend in the house, that she "tries to be cool with everybody." Um, Jayla? Try harder. In this segment, Bre has her hair tied up in a bandana, and is trying to walk on Jayla's shoes, so it almost looks like Aunt Jemima is working the catwalk. Cripes. In the confessional, Nicole and Ebony make fun of Jayla. Man, Nicole and Ebony are vicious when they get together. Jayla then makes the following two statements consecutively: In an interview: "Towards the end of the night, I just want to go to bed; I want everyone to just leave me alone." In bed, talking to Nike, who's standing in the doorway: "I'm sick of having to, like, butt in on everybody's conversations. Nobody ever comes to me. No-one ever wants to talk to me." Wow, let's delve into this psychosis, shall we? 1) Look at those two statements together. Yeah. 2) Hmm, maybe people would come talk to her if she WEREN'T SUCH A RANCID ASS, which she was just bragging about. 3) Who's the one sympathetically nodding her head in the doorway? Who's the one listening to Jayla unload her problems? Nike. How does Jayla repay her? By stealing her secret, then referring to Nike as a stupid, stupid bitch. Wow, I hate Jayla. I'm seriously running out of ways to call her a bitch. I need an insult thesaurus. Let's watch another example of her twisted logic! The girls are doing stripper dances in the kitchen. Jayla complains in an interview that she's not in the mood to join in. Then she joins in by running around topless (though she was just saying she wanted people to leave her alone so she could go to bed). Then she interviews that she's so, so glad she did something funny that wasn't taken the wrong way. What color is the sky in Jayla's world? Do the trains run on time? [Ebony was cut.]
Commercials. Heh, there's an ad for a local community college, which makes me wonder if Nicole should fill out an application. But who knows? She might win this season. It's not out of the realm of possibility.
[Tyra joins the girls for dinner.] They're joined by an ugly drag queen. They do model walks. Tyra walks too. Kim is impressed. [The girls did their poolside walking challenge. Sarah sucks.] Nicole is exposed as a nail-biter. The bird is back in the model pad. Kyle is on the phone, explaining that they named him Mr. Bojangles. He flies around. The girls scream a lot. This part is really boring. Oh! Except that while the girls are shrieking, Jayla's in the confessional. She hears them screaming, and gives the camera a look like "please shoot me in the head right now." Hahahaha! That was hilarious, and was my first liking Jayla moment, ever. [Cassandra complains some more about her hair. The girls did the runway challenge where there was a rotating platform. Sue Wong uses the non-word "gracefulness", which I didn't notice until just now. Stop making up words, Sue Wong. English is in enough danger as it is. Sarah sucked some more. Sarah and Kim make out and possibly do it. Fashion witch photo shoot. Cassandra refused to cut her hair further and was cut (or quit).] Cassandra leaves the rest of the girls a note wishing them luck. The other girls are semi-sympathetic, but Kyle makes the valid point that she should have expected it, and that her spot in the competition could have gone to a girl that really wanted to be there. Like Redgina! Sorry, I just like typing that. Redgina! Jayla bitches that she had a much better attitude than Cassandra about the hair cutting, which is true, but then, Jayla's hair didn't look like molten puke when they were done, so she can go back to shutting up. Bre points out that the other girls don't really care about Cassandra's leaving, because they have selfish intentions. Ouch. [Sarah was cut.]
Commercials. When the ad for Derailed comes on, my good movie radar pings, but I may be getting a false positive from Clive Owen's hotness. Stupid good-looking actors always throw the radar out of whack. That's how I got tricked into watching Closer.
[Fugly Lisa got on everyone's nerves by giving unsolicited advice. Especially Coryn. The girls did their critiques of each other, which only fueled Coryn's hatred of Fugly Lisa.] Kim plays harmonica. All right, then. It's kind of dumb, except when she sneaks up on Bre and blows a note right behind her. And, when she uses the harmonica to punctuate making fun of Nigel. Hehehe. [Fake plastic surgery photo shoot with Janice. Diane was cut.] Kim jokes that she's the new plus-sized model of the group. Jeez. We'll use this as Exhibit A the next time Tyra tries to give the girls a PSA about eating disorders, because while I love this show, promoting healthy body image it does not.
[Firming-mask fake promotion with that obnoxious, unamusing "comedian". Fugly Lisa does dumb dance moves. Coryn makes a comment about it that the cameras inexplicably miss, but it sparks the Coryn/Fugly Lisa fight again, which leads to the priceless "You're basically presenting yourself like a moron." "And what are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" exchange. Fugly Lisa gets drunk and talks to plants.] The other girls sit out on the patio and discuss her drinking. Bre says that the worst thing you can do when you get stressed is to put a substance in your body that you become dependent on. She's smoking as she says this. I'll leave it at that. [Commercial/photo shoot/interview challenge. Jayla (maybe) steals Nike's secret and (definitely) becomes a super-duper mega bitch towards her afterwards.] Nicole and Fugly Lisa dress up in wacky outfits. The editing's wonky here, because there's a shot of Fugly Lisa not dressed up yet, but the point is to show Nicole suggesting that they invite Coryn to join them, but Fugly Lisa says that'll never happen. Then, we cut to Coryn writing out some notes on an index card. Someone asks what it is, and it's an apology for calling Fugly Lisa names earlier. Aw. Bre commends her, and while I'd prefer a face to face apology, that was nice of her. She leaves the note on Fugly Lisa's pillow. Fugly Lisa does forgive Coryn, and even gives her a smooch on the side of the head, that Bre tries to take a picture of. Aw again. So that's resolved. [Of course, Coryn was cut about three minutes later. Jayla spouts some more bullshit in the confessional about how mean Nike is for...not calling Jayla out for stealing her line. Yeah, I don't know.]
Commercials. I love me some Meryl Streep, but Prime looks terrible. Would someone else see it and tell me how it is? Thanks.
[Tyra does the black and white close-up shot.] Fugly Lisa feels cooped up in the model pad, so she goes completely wild. Scenes of her running around the house. Scenes of her acting up in the confessional. ['40s pinup girl photo shoot.] Pillow fight in the Monster Humvee. [Kyle was cut. Waaaaaah!!!!! Don't remind me.] Now six girls remain: Jayla, the "rebel Jehovah's witness". Huh, I guess "Jayla, the fucking asshole" would have been too incendiary for network TV. Nicole, "the baby-faced student". "Of ornithology" is notably left off the end. Nike, "the silent threat", which makes her sound like a fart. Kim, "the tomboy". Bre, "the strong-willed Harlem girl". And, of course, Fugly Lisa, "the life of the party". The coke party, maybe.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: See last week's "next week". It's official. Now that Kyle is gone, I'm rooting for Bre. That probably means she'll be eliminated next. Oh, and one more thing: Redgina!
Overall Grade: B-
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