America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 9
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Kim landed herself on Veronica Mars. The show, that is, not the character, which must have been disappointing for her. Fugly Lisa advised us all to eat a cookie. Jayla and Nicole found themselves in the bottom two, but nobody was eliminated. Instead, all the girls are off to London. Six girls still remain. Somebody had better be eliminated tonight.
Bel Air. Jayla and Nicole confessionalize that being in the bottom two sucks. Thanks, girls. Everyone is excited to go to London as they pack their bags. So off we go! Oh, wait. They're not going to London yet. First, they're going to have a visit from Jenny Shimizu. I've never heard of her, but apparently, she's an offbeat kind of model because she's tattooed and gay and such. Kim's thrilled to meet her. I wish I could say the same. I mean, she seems perfectly nice, but as with all the "Girls, meet somebody special!" segments, it's really fucking boring. Plus, Jenny just kind of fell into modeling, so she doesn't have much helpful advice for them.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Guess not. Instead, we watch Kim tell Fugly Lisa that she looks old (well, thirty - but the two are one and the same in that household), then shit-talks her when she leaves the room. Jeez, what a bitch. Bre interviews that she's noticed Kim gossiping about everyone, and hopes that everyone will leave all that crap behind when they go to London. Good luck with that, Bre. The girls get some Tyra Mail that tells them to be prepared to meet their ghosts from the past.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nope. Instead, the Monster Humvee drops the girls at some studio or other where they meet some Entertainment Tonight talking head. He tells the girls that as the winner of America's Next Top Model, they will be a celebrity; followed everywhere by people desperate for a picture of them. I want to laugh, but that's equal parts hilarious and insulting. Do the producers really think we'll buy that? Naima can hardly get four people to come to Walgreen's to get an autograph from her, and they want us to think that these girls will be viciously stalked by paparazzi? Right. Talking Head also tells the girls that there has been a photographer following them around, which they haven't noticed. He shows the girls bad photos that have been taken of them, and tells them to be READY AT ALL TIMES for someone to take their picture. Sorry to shout at you, but he really wants to emphasize that point. READY AT ALL TIMES. Calm down, dude.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Nevermind. Instead, here's Kim and Nicole, you guessed it, shit-talking the other girls. I like a good joke at someone else's expense as much as the next guy, but this is just plain nasty. Kim comes and plays the harmonica for her best friend, Nicole. Well, best friend now that Sarah and Coryn and Kyle are gone. Hope you don't mind being a last resort, Nicole. Kim plays a sad little tune symbolizing Nicole's almost elimination, and a happy jig at the thought of Jayla's elimination. It's no Peter and the Wolf, but it'll suffice. Bre is still unhappy about the way Kim talks about everyone. She interviews that she's afraid the second she leaves the room, Kim is making fun of her. It's a valid point, though I don't think we've ever seen Kim say anything about Bre on-camera. Less valid is that Bre and Jayla complain about the backstabbers by...backstabbing them out on the smokers' patio. You can tell Bre is getting more and more upset about the whole Kim situation. There's even some patented Sassy Black Girl Finger Waving going on. Bitches gonna throw down!
Commercials. Watch Veronica Mars! Now with 100% less Kim!
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Bre and Nike sit around in various states of undress while Nike talks to her friend Visa on the phone. Bre, Nik, and Visa. I swear I'm not making any of these names up. Whatever happened to names like Katherine and Meredith? I swear. Anyway, Kim happens by, takes the phone from Nike and proceeds to actually insult Nike to her friend while Nike is sitting right there. This shit ain't right. Kim needs a beatdown. Fugly Lisa is anxious to get to London. God, me too. Some Tyra Mail awaits that tells them they have to get a photo taken before they leave. Arrrrgh! Nicole is looking forward to leaving because of all the crazy shit that's happening in the house. Um, does Nicole realize that the people causing the crazy shit are going with her? She is dumb as a post.
The next bit is boring. The girls are dropped at a "passport photo place" and meet the "passport photographer" so they can get their pictures taken for their "passports". Uh, huh. Yeah, they're getting their picture taken for a passport on the way to the airport. I totally believe that. Stop insulting my intelligence, Tyra. Anyway, the "passport photo" is a challenge about readiness or some such shit and Bre is randomly judged the winner. OK, then. She (and Nike) will get a prize in London. If they ever fucking get there! But first, the photographer product places some phone that can play video. Each of the girls has a message from home, but the only one worth mentioning is Jayla's, because she's got a freaky ass lookin' boyfriend. Yikes. Looks like the Unabomber and Adam Goldberg had a baby.
Now, off to London! Oh, wait. Instead, Bre and Nike whisper some more about Kim in the Monster Humvee. Kim hears them, and asks what they're talking about, and the fight is on. Bre and Nike confront Kim about her talking about the other girls. Kim denies talking about "everyone", which is...not really the point, there, Kim. Bre masterfully brings up some examples about Kim making fun of Jayla, which of course spurs Jayla on to tearfully attack Kim. Bre is an evil genius, y'all. Fugly Lisa is once again just happy to not be the target for once. Kim is getting more and more flustered, because somebody's finally calling her on her crap behavior. Nicole tries to calm the others, but gets shouted down. As a way of defending Kim, Nicole points out that everyone talks about everyone. It's true (for instance, where was Nike with this talk when Jayla slagged her?), but it's also true that Nicole is kind of Kim's cohort, so she's not exactly a paragon of virtue, either. Kim insists that she's never talked about Bre, but Bre's not buying it. Bre is getting sanctimonious here, which is unattractive, but she's essentially right. They appear to make up, but it looks like that's mostly for show, since Bre is interviewing about not being anyone's puppet and how she keeps her enemies close. Awkward little scene, there.
Commercials. Not even my love of Target will induce me to buy Choxie. Even the name makes me feel a little ill.
Now, off to London! Yes! We're there! The music is a dance remix of "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik". Because Mozart was so British. Miss J picks the girls up in a double decker bus and takes them on a tour of London. Sigh. I love London. Miss J drops the girls at a stunningly beautiful hotel, and gives them the room key. As the girls round a corner to enter the hotel, they are swarmed by "paparazzi". Come the fuck on, people. Embarrassing them for a challenge is fine. Expecting the audience to be taken in by this is not. The hotel room is beautiful, of course. Remember the cramped room the Cycle One girls had to share when they went to Paris? Ooh, I'll bet Robin is spitting mad as she watches this. From hell.
Two very charming English gentlemen come to pick up Bre and Nike for dinner as the reward for the whole passport photo thing. They eat. They talk. It's boring. I love me some charming English gentlemen, though. Mmmm. Back at the hotel, Kim has written an apology note to Nike. That's sweet (although again, as with Coryn's apology to Fugly Lisa, a face-to-face one would have meant much more). Of course, Kim then complains to Nicole that Nike and Bre "have the wrong impression" of her, which is not true. They have Kim dead to rights, and Kim's humiliated by that. That evening's Tyra Mail includes the word "call" and tells them to be ready at 7:30 the next morning. Yuck. The girls will still be all jet-lagged then. Nike and Bre find the apology letter. Kim is convinced everyone's in a live-and-let-live kind of mood. She's wrong.
Morning. Time for the photo shoot. OJ tells them that London is a paparazzi haven and that they have to be READY AT ALL TIMES to have their picture taken. Oh, good God. We get it! Even if it were true, we'd get it, and it's not! OJ makes up some bullshit trying to explain why they're forcing this latest torture on the girls: the photo shoot will be all six of them crammed into a phone booth. Heh. So, the girls will be semi-naked and covered with newspaper. Fair enough. OJ introduces the photographer, Nick, and the girls go into hair and makeup. The girls complain, but eventually all get into the booth. Bre's in the front first. Fugly Lisa farts. Ew. Fugly Lisa rotates to the front. Nike rotates to the front. Kim rotates to the front. Nicole rotates to the front. Jayla rotates to the front. The end. Tyra Mail back at the hotel announces that elimination looms, and Bre once again interviews about how she's gonna take her competition down. Yawn.
Commercials. A man walks out of his house and parasails down to his car. Buy this car! Why? Um...because that guy just parasailed to it! It must be good!
Our introduction to the English Chamber of Doom is a shot of Tyra and the two Jays warding off paparazzi. I'd like to meet a single person that's interested in a photo of OJ. Actually, I'd be interested in a photo of OJ, but only if I get a homemade voodoo kit first. Prizes blah. Judges blah. The guest judge is the photographer, Nick. The final challenge is actually the shot of the girls taken outside of the hotel. They'll be judged on their worst shot. Kim's up first. Her bad shot is, indeed, pretty bad. Did she get those sunglasses at Chuck E. Cheese's? Her phone booth picture is great, though. She really is learning to pose better. Bre. Nigel says the bad shot isn't so bad, but I don't like it. She looks like she's sneering. She's pretty as always in her phone booth shot, but I find it a little bland. The judges love it, though. Fugly Lisa. The bad shot is horrific. The phone booth one is good, though. Twiggy calls it the best photograph she's seen of Lisa. Nicole. I grow more and more bored with her by the week. She always looks the same. Her bad shot's not that bad, and her good shot's not that good. Zzzz. Tyra agrees with me. Jayla. Her bad shot's actually not bad at all, though I'm certainly not feeling those faux Jackie O. sunglasses. She doesn't look too bad in the phone booth shot, but it's not very commanding, either. In fact, as Nigel points out, your attention really goes to Fugly Lisa off to the side rather than Jayla. Not good. Nike. Her bad shot sucks. She needs to buy prettier glasses. Girls in glasses can be devastatingly beautiful, so why they insist on buying Harriet the Spy frames is beyond me. Her phone booth shot is lovely, though Tyra feels she turns to the side too much. I'd say she just knows her strengths is all.
Commercials. Walk the Line. Wait for DVD.
Deliberations. The judges feel that although Fugly Lisa has taken good photographs, her personality is too brash. They feel she won't get hired with her in-your-face attitude (read: girlfriend pissed herself on purpose last week). Tyra brags about getting a job based on her passport photo. We don't care, Tyra. Maybe I'm just bitter because my passport photo looks like I've been brought in on charges of soliciting sheep. Nobody likes Jayla. Elimination. Kim is safe. Bre. Nicole. Nike. Would Fugly Lisa and Jayla please step forward. Once again, I feel like this one's way too easy. Fugly Lisa has looked better than Jayla in every single photo shoot to date. Plus, Jayla's been edited as the villain, so it's about her time to go. Tyra gives each girl their criticisms. Fugly Lisa is too annoying. Jayla's too ugly. And...Jayla gets her photo, so Fugly Lisa is cut. Well, fuck! Who would have thought I'd be sorry to see her go? And yet I am. On first viewing, I was really angry and thought this elimination was unfair, but I knew there was no way in hell Lisa was going to win this season, so she may as well go now, even if it means I have to put up with Jayla some more. Fugly Lisa dredges up some class on the way out, interviewing that she tried her best. I'll say. We flash back not only on her photos, which have been remarkable, but on her crazy-ass behavior. I do have to say, I've liked Fugly Lisa. I've hated Fugly Lisa. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked pretty. I've thought Fugly Lisa looked...well, fugly. I've thought Fugly Lisa was a bitch who deserved to be belittled. I've thought Fugly Lisa was an unfair target of criticism. But there's one thing I'm sure of, and that is that Fugly Lisa is the star of Season 5. No question. And no doubt she finds comfort in that. Take care, you wackjob.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Nicole is attacked by birds. Well, you knew she had that coming after that whole "birds are blind" speech. Kim and Bre fight some more. Kick her ass, Bre!
Overall Grade: C+
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