Amazing Race 9 - Meet the Teams

The Amazing Race - Season 9

My history with The Amazing Race is a tumultuous one. I'll whine to anyone who will listen about the worrying downswing in its quality. Actually, here. I've already covered it. Just plunk on a big, fat F for Season 8. Still, it's hard to let go of a show that used to be so damn good. That's why I've decided to give The Amazing Race one last chance. You'd better wow me, Season 9, or you're kicked to the curb. The new teams have been announced, so let's not waste any time getting to know these people before we decide we love or hate them. I'm an American, damn it! Actually, I love to make pre-show judgments, then see if they pan out as I've predicted. Once in a while, there will be a team I expect to loathe that totally charms me (hey there, Lori and Bolo!), and once in a while, there's a team I thought was going to be my BFF, and turns out to be rancid (what up, Steve and Dave?). Let's take a look at our freshest batch of famewhores, shall we?

Lake and Michelle: One of the two prime candidates for assholes of the season. Let's look at the clues. "While he describes himself as energetic and motivated, Michelle notes that he's your typical Type A personality, very impatient and always looking for ways to do it better." Hoo boy. Translation: He uses the excuse of "motivation" to be a huge jerk to her and everyone around him, and she enables him. I am sick to death of people using the phrase Type A personality to describe someone who's an unapologetic ass. That's not what it means. "[Michelle] claims that she's much more laid back than her husband and hopes this won't cause friction between the two..." Yeah, well, hope springs eternal, Michelle. "While Lake and Michelle are both aware of their personality differences, they feel they work well together and hope their differences will actually help them as they travel the world on the Race." Yes, I find people who can't agree on anything make fantastic teammates.

-Retread of: (Wil/Tara x Colin/Christie) + Jonathan/Victoria divided by Frank/Margarita.
-Chances in the race: Pretty good. They won't finish below sixth place, and have a good chance to make it into the final three.

Danielle and Dani: Oh, dear God. Why not just call them Cannon and Fodder? They haven't traveled much, but call themselves fun-loving. They think "anything is possible with good looks and thick accents". They have the same name. They wear matching pink shirts. They are the race equivalent to a black guy in a horror movie that says "I'll be right back." By the way, nice dye jobs. Rebecca Weaver would be proud.

-Retread of: Megan/Heidi multiplied by Heather/Eve.
-Chances in the race: Probably the first ones out, but I'll be generous. No higher than ninth place.

BJ & Tyler: Hmm, we've never really had a hippie team before, unless you count Wil/Tara, which I don't. This team is a hard one to call. They may be overly laid back or they may be more than up to the tasks. They may be obnoxious twits who think they're hilarious, or they may be genuinely hilarious. They're into doofy things like frisbee, but they also speak foreign languages. While I don't know which road they're going to take, I do predict that they'll be anything but lukewarm. I'll love them or I'll detest them.

-Retread of: Kevin/Drew minus Gary/Dave.
-Chances in the race: Too soon to tell. If I had to hazard a guess, they appear about on par with Gus/Hera, so...anywhere from second to sixth place.

Ray and Yolanda: Our second candidate for assholes of the season. "While Ray is said to be the more disciplined of the two, both describe themselves as opinionated and stubborn." Translation: They'll pitch a big fit the second they fall behind even the slightest bit. "Yolanda & Ray enjoy working out together..." Wow, a match made in heaven. I know that I'll have found Mr. Right when the one common interest we share is leg presses.

-Retread of: Ray/Deana + Alison/Donny - Lenny/Karyn.
-Chances in the race: Couples who butt heads place all over the map. Colin/Christie did really well, while Cindy/Russell didn't. Let's see. People who mistakenly believe that being a gym rat is a huge advantage in this competition, and intelligence tinged with lack of self-awareness. Sixth place.

John and Scott: You'll note that the word "gay" is not to be seen once on their bio. And that's fine. If there's anything that bugs the piss out of me, it's when people are defined by their sexuality. But in John and Scott's case? They're defined by their sexuality. I mean, listing your dogs' names? Renovating a brownstone? Doing an AIDS ride? Having a motto straight out of Auntie Mame? I'm surprised neither one is named Gay Gayerson. That fear of flying won't do them any favors, and while I'm all for my people being represented on television, teams of gay men don't have a good track record on this show, personality-wise.

-Retread of: Bill/Joe - Lynn/Alex divided by Chip/Reichen.
-Chances in the race: Not bad. I'd put them anywhere from fourth to seventh.

David and Lori: Your salt of the earth team. I tend to enjoy that type of team. Good midwestern stock, their picture and bio makes them look like perfectly nice, normal people. Wonderful for real life; death knell for reality television. As far as personality goes, I'm getting the best vibe from them, so I may as well start preparing now for my heartache when they're eliminated.

-Retread of: Michael/Kathy + Dennis/Erika - Amanda/Chris
-Chances in the race: Probably around fourth place.

Eric and Jeremy: Your requisite muscly pretty boys that overstay their welcome. There's a 75% chance that they'll have minimal personality, and speak entirely in cliches. Still, they're straight, white, male, and young. Therefore? See "Chances in the race".

-Retread of: Rob/Brennan + Chris/Alex + David/Jeff.
-Chances in the race: At least top three, and possibly winners.

Fran and Barry: The token older couple. On the plus side, the token older couple tends to be fairly likable. Or if not likable, at least admirable. On the minus side, there's no point getting emotionally invested in them, because they never win. It doesn't matter how sedate or how active they are; the older team is purely there for scenery. You'll note I haven't touched on what I perceive Fran and Barry's strengths, weaknesses, or personalities to be, and that's because it doesn't matter in the slightest.

-Retread of: Don/Mary Jean + Bob/Joyce + David/Margaretta - Teri/Ian divided by Meredith/Gretchen.
-Chances in the race: No higher than fifth place.

Lisa and Joni: I often find familial relationships to be the most fascinating ones. After all, it's easy to break up with your boyfriend if he's a jerk on the race. It's not so easy to break up with your sister. Family teams also often have innate senses of communication and teamwork that I really enjoy, even if they bicker a lot. These two seem like nice people. They're both married with kids, and talk about things like enjoying art and being good with people. Plus, anyone who jokes(?) about wanting to get plastic surgery with their winnings is probably going to be good for a few laughs.

-Retread of: Lena/Kristy - Mary/Peach - Kami/Karli divided by Tramel/Talicia.
-Chances in the race: Sorry, ladies. Tenth place.

Joseph and Monica: Good ol' Southern folks. If there are any Jesus freaks on the race, it'll be these two. Joseph is sort of nerdily hot, but describes himself as "funny", which is always a red flag. Monica is gorgeous, and appears at first glance to be the most uninteresting person ever to run the race (still, that's what I thought about Hayden until I saw her in action, and immediately knew she'd blossom into a super-duper-megabitch). Since we're told so little about these two, it's tough to gauge their chances. Their blandness doesn't lend itself to successful predictions.

-Retread of: Brandon/Nicole + Paul/Amie - Ron/Kelly divided by Millie/Chuck.
-Chances in the race: If they can coast on the mistakes of other teams, they could get as high as third. If not, they'll make a quiet exit at around seventh.

Wanda and Desiree: No, really. Those are their names. While appearing to be relatively inoffensive people, they also appear to be those kind of people that run out of steam quickly. As I said, familial teams interest me, but not so much when their picture makes it look like they've been eliminated before the race has even begun.

-Retread of: Hilary/Deirdre x Jim/Marsha divided by Nancy/Emily.
-Chances in the race: Around ninth place.