Top Chef - Season 12, Episode 4
Previously on Top Chef: Teas! Tears! Toupees! T'ballpark food! Gregory hit a homerun, picking up yet another challenge win, while Ron struck out. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Monday Morning Quarterback Session. Aaron talks. Nobody cares. Kariann bemoans how she hasn't been doing well in the competition, and cries about missing her kids. She should also spare some crying for wasting an entire tube of Dr. Pepper lip gloss, which is smeared all over her mouth. The chefs receive a note from Padma with the address where they are supposed to meet her. It's supposed to be very clandestine, but the surprise is immediately blown by hometown girl Stacy, who recognizes the address as Cheers. Whoops! That was the shortest game of Carmen Sandiego I've ever seen.
Quickfire Challenge. Indeed, the chefs are on their way to the original Cheers bar, where they are met by Padma and George Wendt. He graciously suffers through the chefs yelling "Norm!" at him before we get down to business. Here's an interesting tidbit of trivia for the audience: By law, all bars in Boston must serve food. So, for today's Quickfire, the chefs will use whatever's on-hand in the Cheers kitchen to make an upscale bar snack. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go!
Aaron combines eggs with peanut butter and mayonnaise, which sounds gross, but he insists that it actually works if balanced properly. I'll buy it; I'd like to try that mixture if it's in the right proportion. Gregory gets a good start on his burger, but gravity is not his friend today, and a lot of his ingredients fly off the plate and onto the floor. Adam is making black bean chilaquile with egg on top, and it's the first dish of the day (and maybe of the competition) that's really made me sit up and take notice. James works on a vegetable hummus, and insists that in Michigan, crudite is totally a bar food. I am unconvinced. Katsuji whips up a spin on a fish taco with some tuna, while Kariann focuses on crabcakes.
Tasting. Padma attempts to banter with George Wendt, who clearly wishes he were anywhere else. He's about as excited to appear on this show as he would be to get a root canal with a rusty screw. Obviously, Gregory is in the bottom, since most of his food is currently getting ground into the kitchen floor by people's shoes. He's joined by James, who didn't make anything approaching bar food. Save the carrot sticks for the garden party, brah. Katsuji and Kariann are the top two, with Katsuji taking the challenge and immunity. He's very pleased, but not as happy as George, who takes off so fast, there's a George-shaped puff of smoke left behind.
Elimination Challenge. Michael Schlow (a competitor from Top Chef: Masters and local food luminary) will be turning his restaurant over to the chefs and guest judging. The chefs will break into teams and each team will serve a three-course Italian meal: Antipasti, pasta, and entree. The chefs will design a menu, and whichever menu gets ordered the most by guests will be automatically be declared the winner and be safe from elimination. So, it doesn't even matter how the food tastes. If it at least sounds appetizing enough to entice the diners, a team can skate by. Everyone else is up for elimination.
How do we feel about this? I've been stewing it over in my mind, and have come to the conclusion that I like this challenge. Sure, on the one hand, it doesn't sound entirely fair that the chefs get to shield themselves from elimination via advertising rather than cooking skills. But, there's no denying that designing a menu does fall under the purview of a chef's duties, and if you can't appeal to diners' imaginations and manage their expectations, it doesn't really matter how good your food is, cause they'll never order it. In another fun little twist, Padma tells the chefs that they can pick their own teams, so let's see how that popularity contest shakes out:
Orange: Adam/Doug/Mei (the sous chef team)
Grey: Kariann/Melissa/James (the seafood team)
Blue: Rebecca/Katie/Stacy (the let's work with anyone except Aaron team)
Purple: Aaron/Katsuji/Gregory (the leftovers)
Interesting. It's completely natural that everyone else would avoid Aaron (including his girlfriend, apparently), but with all that talk last week about the bond between James and Aaron, it's curious that they didn't wind up together. Speaking of last week, since nobody went home during that Sudden Death Quickfire, Padma informs the chefs that this week will be a double elimination, and two people will be going home. The chefs make various consternated faces.
Planning and prep. James is reluctant to make seafood, but in the interest of team harmony, agrees to make fish. Katsuji and Aaron immediately fall to squabbling, of course, and Gregory is kept as busy trying to shut them up and keep them on task as cooking. During the meal, the judges are joined by Emmy Rossum, who drops the bomb on the chefs that she is gluten-free, so that pasta course takes on a new dimension. Katsuji responds to this by ripping open his ravioli and just dumping the filling into a bowl. It's not as though Emmy Rossum is missing anything, as the judges pretty uniformly hate his pasta, anyway. Stacy cuts her ribeye into thin strips, and chars the hell out of her vegetables. Every season seems to attract a group of people with one big problem. Last season, it was overseasoning/underseasoning. This time around, nobody can seem to cook their food for the proper amount of time. Doug makes a pretty basic radicchio salad, but everyone seems to enjoy it.
But, as you know, no matter how good or bad this food is, the winner is all about how good the food sounds. When the dust settles, it doesn't matter that Katsuji's pasta was awful, because the diners ordered the Purple menu most, so the most dysfunctional team gets to slide this week, but not before Katsuji is told he'd be looking at the business end of an elimination if things hadn't happened this way. All of the food on the Orange team was well-received, so they are declared safe as well. Katie, Kariann, and Melissa made some impressive items and are also excused. That brings it down to James, Rebecca, and Stacy. James' sauce was bad, and he should have stuck with his gut and made meat. I mean, yes, you have to make sure you can stand behind the dish you make, but if he can't make a serviceable fish entree, he doesn't really belong here, anyway. Rebecca's concept was all wrong (unbalanced and old-fashioned), and it didn't have enough sauce. Stacy's meat was cut too thin, and her vegetables sucked. Tom throws it over to Padma. Rebecca and James, please pack your knives and go.
Whew. Stacy has been one of the few bright spots so far in this snooze of a season, and it would have been disheartening to see her go. As it is, I'm not too put out to see Non-Entity Rebecca and Swayze Tattoo take off into the sunset. Now, if we could fast-forward to the part of the season that isn't incredibly dull, that'd be great.
Overall Grade: C+
Showing posts with label E4. Show all posts
Showing posts with label E4. Show all posts
Monday, November 10, 2014
Monday, October 28, 2013
Food Morning, Vietnam
Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 4
Previously on Top Chef: Aaron woke up not knowing that some salt, some kale, and half an hour were all that stood between him and elimination. The chefs were taken to Commander's Palace and told to replicate some of the dishes there. Michael's condescension meter continued to climb, and Stephanie pulled a biscuit recipe out of her ass. Not literally, thankfully. Justin's beignet pulled down the win, and while Louis' seasoning blend ruined many a plate of fish, Bret's messy presentation and undercooked veal was deemed the greater culinary crime. 15 chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Surprisingly, there is no Quickfire this week, meaning that half the episodes so far have been pure Elimination challenges. I wonder why they structured it this way. Padma introduces guest judge Eddie Huang, who describes the arrival and inclusion of Vietnamese cuisine into New Orleans culture. I had no idea, though I'm not surprised. I'm writing this from St. Louis, which like New Orleans, was originally based on French citizenry, but happily weaves pockets of other ethnicities into its food culture. The fifteen chefs are broken into teams of five, and told that they must present a Vietnamese menu, one course of which must include shrimp. The teams shake out to be:
Red: Shirley, Carrie, Justin, Nina, and Patty
Orange: Louis, Nicholas, Michael, Brian, and Carlos
Green: Travis, Bene, Sara, Janine, and Stephanie
I'm sorry, red and orange? James' hi-def TV or no, these aprons quickly become indistinguishable. You had a big color wheel to choose from, producers. What, purple is an issue for some reason? Anyhow, the green team is super-pumped because both Travis and Sara are self-proclaimed experts in Asian cuisine, and Travis has extensively traveled in Vietnam.
Before the challenge starts, though, the chefs are taken on a brief tour of Vietnamese eateries in New Orleans for inspiration. Good thing, because apparently Carlos has never even tasted Vietnamese food. Between this and the people who had never tasted the proteins in Episode 1, methinks the talent pool for this show may be getting stretched a bit thin. The chefs are taken to a bakery, the shrimp docks, and a noodle house. On the bus between destinations, menus are discussed. Travis wants to do a tomato sauce and incorporate Romaine lettuce, assuring the other chefs that while not exactly the standard of the country, he's totally eaten them in Vietnam, so they'll be fine. Sara is unconvinced. During the shopping segment, a harried green team appears to pick up a bunch of lemongrass and then put it back at Sara's behest. They're all running around like headless chickens, and probably wouldn't realize it if all that was in their cart was toothpaste and peanut butter.
Cooking. Shirley works on a BBQ shrimp dish that utilizes plenty of butter. Michael and Patty do prep work for their teams without being in charge of any particular dish. Dangerous. The green team realizes they don't have any lemongrass, and are decidedly unhappy about it. No lemongrass, tomato sauce, and Romaine lettuce. I feel like I'm in Vietnam! Provided Vietnam is located inside the nearest Olive Garden. The orange team is making a black pepper squid with cabbage that sounds fantastic, though this particular preparation doesn't look particularly appetizing. We may not be in a post-racial society, but we're getting closer with statements such as Brian's that he's Korean, but that doesn't mean he is a sudden expert in Vietnamese food, because his real focus is Peruvian cuisine. Hehe. I love little twists like that, like when Carrie fused inspirations from Iowa and Trinidad for her gumbo. Schoolhouse Rock was right! More cooking happens. Aside from Travis' overconfidence, it's not terribly compelling.
Service. The orange team's spring roll is good, but not the sauce it comes with. The fish head soup incorporates so much tomato that it tastes like minestrone. The pho is too watered down. The squid dish is bland. I don't know if these chefs are too hesitant with the seasoning or people in New Orleans just expect more zing, but I don't think I've ever heard the word "bland" thrown out so much in a single season. Over on the red team, Shirley is a little more angsty than Brian about her perceived expertise. Sure, she's Chinese, but as she says, "Can you imagine? I'm an Asian and I got kicked off on the Asian food challenge?" Heh. It doesn't look like she has much to worry about, because the judges love her BBQ shrimp. They also serve a noodle soup with beef belly, a pho that is much preferred to the orange team's, a raw beef salad, and a rather icky-looking custard for dessert. The green team presents pork lettuce wraps with pineapple shrimp sauce, an oxtail and shrimp noodle dish in tomato sauce, and a macaroon. The judges dislike pretty much all of it, especially the overcooked shrimp and gummy rice.
Judging. The orange team's pho was disappointing, but the spring roll was good. The red team nailed the pho and the BBQ shrimp, and the green team was a mess from top to bottom. So the red team goes to winners' circle, with Shirley scoring the individual win for her shrimp. Naturally, the green team is on the bottom, and they are savaged. The shrimp was terrible. The rice was terrible. The sauce was terrible. Nothing about the menu was particularly Vietnamese.
It's looking bad for Travis or Sara, the perceived leaders of the team, but we're hit with another surprising elimination when the overcooked shrimp looms so large that the judges axe Janine. She gives a pretty standard exit interview that I don't remember a word of, either because she never made much of an impression beyond the sandals and Daisy Duke shorts she wore in the first challenge, or because I'm too busy trying to compose a shrimp-on-the-barbie joke in my head that never quite gets there.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: Aaron woke up not knowing that some salt, some kale, and half an hour were all that stood between him and elimination. The chefs were taken to Commander's Palace and told to replicate some of the dishes there. Michael's condescension meter continued to climb, and Stephanie pulled a biscuit recipe out of her ass. Not literally, thankfully. Justin's beignet pulled down the win, and while Louis' seasoning blend ruined many a plate of fish, Bret's messy presentation and undercooked veal was deemed the greater culinary crime. 15 chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Surprisingly, there is no Quickfire this week, meaning that half the episodes so far have been pure Elimination challenges. I wonder why they structured it this way. Padma introduces guest judge Eddie Huang, who describes the arrival and inclusion of Vietnamese cuisine into New Orleans culture. I had no idea, though I'm not surprised. I'm writing this from St. Louis, which like New Orleans, was originally based on French citizenry, but happily weaves pockets of other ethnicities into its food culture. The fifteen chefs are broken into teams of five, and told that they must present a Vietnamese menu, one course of which must include shrimp. The teams shake out to be:
Red: Shirley, Carrie, Justin, Nina, and Patty
Orange: Louis, Nicholas, Michael, Brian, and Carlos
Green: Travis, Bene, Sara, Janine, and Stephanie
I'm sorry, red and orange? James' hi-def TV or no, these aprons quickly become indistinguishable. You had a big color wheel to choose from, producers. What, purple is an issue for some reason? Anyhow, the green team is super-pumped because both Travis and Sara are self-proclaimed experts in Asian cuisine, and Travis has extensively traveled in Vietnam.
Before the challenge starts, though, the chefs are taken on a brief tour of Vietnamese eateries in New Orleans for inspiration. Good thing, because apparently Carlos has never even tasted Vietnamese food. Between this and the people who had never tasted the proteins in Episode 1, methinks the talent pool for this show may be getting stretched a bit thin. The chefs are taken to a bakery, the shrimp docks, and a noodle house. On the bus between destinations, menus are discussed. Travis wants to do a tomato sauce and incorporate Romaine lettuce, assuring the other chefs that while not exactly the standard of the country, he's totally eaten them in Vietnam, so they'll be fine. Sara is unconvinced. During the shopping segment, a harried green team appears to pick up a bunch of lemongrass and then put it back at Sara's behest. They're all running around like headless chickens, and probably wouldn't realize it if all that was in their cart was toothpaste and peanut butter.
Cooking. Shirley works on a BBQ shrimp dish that utilizes plenty of butter. Michael and Patty do prep work for their teams without being in charge of any particular dish. Dangerous. The green team realizes they don't have any lemongrass, and are decidedly unhappy about it. No lemongrass, tomato sauce, and Romaine lettuce. I feel like I'm in Vietnam! Provided Vietnam is located inside the nearest Olive Garden. The orange team is making a black pepper squid with cabbage that sounds fantastic, though this particular preparation doesn't look particularly appetizing. We may not be in a post-racial society, but we're getting closer with statements such as Brian's that he's Korean, but that doesn't mean he is a sudden expert in Vietnamese food, because his real focus is Peruvian cuisine. Hehe. I love little twists like that, like when Carrie fused inspirations from Iowa and Trinidad for her gumbo. Schoolhouse Rock was right! More cooking happens. Aside from Travis' overconfidence, it's not terribly compelling.
Service. The orange team's spring roll is good, but not the sauce it comes with. The fish head soup incorporates so much tomato that it tastes like minestrone. The pho is too watered down. The squid dish is bland. I don't know if these chefs are too hesitant with the seasoning or people in New Orleans just expect more zing, but I don't think I've ever heard the word "bland" thrown out so much in a single season. Over on the red team, Shirley is a little more angsty than Brian about her perceived expertise. Sure, she's Chinese, but as she says, "Can you imagine? I'm an Asian and I got kicked off on the Asian food challenge?" Heh. It doesn't look like she has much to worry about, because the judges love her BBQ shrimp. They also serve a noodle soup with beef belly, a pho that is much preferred to the orange team's, a raw beef salad, and a rather icky-looking custard for dessert. The green team presents pork lettuce wraps with pineapple shrimp sauce, an oxtail and shrimp noodle dish in tomato sauce, and a macaroon. The judges dislike pretty much all of it, especially the overcooked shrimp and gummy rice.
Judging. The orange team's pho was disappointing, but the spring roll was good. The red team nailed the pho and the BBQ shrimp, and the green team was a mess from top to bottom. So the red team goes to winners' circle, with Shirley scoring the individual win for her shrimp. Naturally, the green team is on the bottom, and they are savaged. The shrimp was terrible. The rice was terrible. The sauce was terrible. Nothing about the menu was particularly Vietnamese.
It's looking bad for Travis or Sara, the perceived leaders of the team, but we're hit with another surprising elimination when the overcooked shrimp looms so large that the judges axe Janine. She gives a pretty standard exit interview that I don't remember a word of, either because she never made much of an impression beyond the sandals and Daisy Duke shorts she wore in the first challenge, or because I'm too busy trying to compose a shrimp-on-the-barbie joke in my head that never quite gets there.
Overall Grade: B+
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Scrumdiddlyumptious
Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 4
Honestly, I'm shocked. At a couple of things. I'm shocked that it took this long for Just Desserts to put together a Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory tie-in. I'm shocked at how pleased I was to see this week's guests. And I'm shocked by how well this episode was put together, and how enjoyable it was.
The producers knew exactly how special this week was going to be, choosing to dispense with the Quickfire entirely so that they can focus on this gem of an Elimination Challenge. In order to celebrate the fortieth anniversary of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory -- Forty years?!? Yikes! -- the chefs are taken to a special screening of it. Having seen the special features on the Wonka DVD, I recognize the chefs' fellow moviegoers, but they do not. It's the original cast of kids, minus one Augustus Gloop, who probably didn't feel like wandering over from Europe for this.
The chefs are then thrown straight into the Elimination Challenge, in which they must work as one big team to transform the dining room into an edible wonderland straight out of the movie's showpiece scene. As proof that you don't need to cast psychotic weirdos in order to generate good television, a game plan is agreed upon, everyone does their best to pull their weight, and it's still fascinating.
All sorts of extremely clever ideas are put into practice (or at least clever adaptations of the movie's existing ideas), from Katzie's "carrot" cakes and honey-dripping beehive, to Carlos' lickable wallpaper, to Chris' supervision and construction of a working chocolate waterfall. Johnny interrupts the process to announce that two chefs will be eliminated tonight, which has the chefs scrambling to put their individual stamp on as many desserts as possible.
I've never wanted to be at a Just Desserts tasting more as when the Wonka kids (along with some actual kids) are turned loose in the finished room to go nuts. Apart from getting all sorts of delightful treats, it just looks super-fun. When the event is over, Katzie, Carlos, and Matt are declared the top three, with Katzie taking a very deserved win for her underground cakes and edible beehive.
Meanwhile, Sally's gritty, ugly "dirt", Melissa's abominable donuts, Dr. Teeth's lackluster gummi bears, and Megan's disappointing bourbon cake get them shunted to the bottom. The top three chefs admirably stick up for Megan, stressing that her dessert may have suffered because she spent most of her time busting ass to help other chefs and ensuring the room as a whole turned out well. Johnny is a bit smarmy about this, but thankfully, appears to take it into consideration. After the deliberations, the judges finally, finally axe Dr. Teeth. About three episodes late, in my estimation, but better late than never. Poor, unloved Melissa also gets her walking papers, so it looks like we're getting down to the real competition now.
Overall Grade: A
Honestly, I'm shocked. At a couple of things. I'm shocked that it took this long for Just Desserts to put together a Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory tie-in. I'm shocked at how pleased I was to see this week's guests. And I'm shocked by how well this episode was put together, and how enjoyable it was.
The producers knew exactly how special this week was going to be, choosing to dispense with the Quickfire entirely so that they can focus on this gem of an Elimination Challenge. In order to celebrate the fortieth anniversary of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory -- Forty years?!? Yikes! -- the chefs are taken to a special screening of it. Having seen the special features on the Wonka DVD, I recognize the chefs' fellow moviegoers, but they do not. It's the original cast of kids, minus one Augustus Gloop, who probably didn't feel like wandering over from Europe for this.
The chefs are then thrown straight into the Elimination Challenge, in which they must work as one big team to transform the dining room into an edible wonderland straight out of the movie's showpiece scene. As proof that you don't need to cast psychotic weirdos in order to generate good television, a game plan is agreed upon, everyone does their best to pull their weight, and it's still fascinating.
All sorts of extremely clever ideas are put into practice (or at least clever adaptations of the movie's existing ideas), from Katzie's "carrot" cakes and honey-dripping beehive, to Carlos' lickable wallpaper, to Chris' supervision and construction of a working chocolate waterfall. Johnny interrupts the process to announce that two chefs will be eliminated tonight, which has the chefs scrambling to put their individual stamp on as many desserts as possible.
I've never wanted to be at a Just Desserts tasting more as when the Wonka kids (along with some actual kids) are turned loose in the finished room to go nuts. Apart from getting all sorts of delightful treats, it just looks super-fun. When the event is over, Katzie, Carlos, and Matt are declared the top three, with Katzie taking a very deserved win for her underground cakes and edible beehive.
Meanwhile, Sally's gritty, ugly "dirt", Melissa's abominable donuts, Dr. Teeth's lackluster gummi bears, and Megan's disappointing bourbon cake get them shunted to the bottom. The top three chefs admirably stick up for Megan, stressing that her dessert may have suffered because she spent most of her time busting ass to help other chefs and ensuring the room as a whole turned out well. Johnny is a bit smarmy about this, but thankfully, appears to take it into consideration. After the deliberations, the judges finally, finally axe Dr. Teeth. About three episodes late, in my estimation, but better late than never. Poor, unloved Melissa also gets her walking papers, so it looks like we're getting down to the real competition now.
Overall Grade: A
Monday, December 27, 2010
Love - All
Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 4
Previously on Top Chef: A culinary relay race reconfirmed the moral of "The Tortoise and the Hare". The chefs attempted to cook in the style of other people, the better to determine who's the most adaptable. Stephen -- who probably hasn't even cooked in his own style since Season 1 -- got eliminated, with poor Dalel right behind him. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Casey is bummed that her pal Dalel is no longer around to be awesome, while Tiffani tries to drag herself out of the slump that's put her into the bottom for two weeks running (although the first one doesn't really count, so whatever). Dalet is happy for his win, but gives the Standard Speech.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Tony Mantuano, who cooked for Top Chef Masters, and who rather looks like a friendly basset hound. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I mean that as a compliment. For today's Quickfire, we get one of those hilarious challenges that shoehorns a seasonal event going on in real time into an episode filmed at an entirely different time of year. I love it when they tell chefs to create a Christmas feast in August. Anyhow, the challenge today is to make stuffing, which Tiffani reminds us is probably the most varied "traditional" recipe in the entire pantheon of holiday foods. The chefs will have 45 minutes to create a stuffing of their own. If that sounds too simple, there's naturally a catch: No utensils allowed. That sounds pretty rough, but there's a nice bonus for the chef that works it out. The winner gets immunity and $20,000. Ready? Go!
The chefs spring right into their prep work, and some very clever ideas are hatched to get around the challenge's limitations. Richard uses a jar lid for a spoon. Fabio grates cheese through a dish rack. Tiffani butchers quail with a pepper mill. Tre freezes ingredients with liquid nitrogen so they can be smashed easily. Ears of corn and stalks of celery are used as stirring spoons. Time runs out. Padma and Tony go down the line. Casey has gone an Asian route with mushrooms and crispy chicken livers. Jamie has made a "stuffing crepinette" with pork and lemon oil. She calls it a take on matzo ball soup, which is about as apt as calling pepperoni pizza a take on breakfast cereal. Carla readily admits her quinoa didn't have time to cook properly, calling her finished plate "undone-te" instead of al dente. Hehehe.
Spike has stuffed quail with raisins and herbs, and has put an apricot glaze on it. Marcel has squab with raisin brioche, cherries, currants, and ras el hanout gravy. Enough with the raisins. Richard has pressure-cooked an onion with nitro-fried fennel. He also incorporates the hated raisins. Tre's southwestern stuffing has bacon, cheese, chili powder, and peppers. Now that's what I'm talkin' about. Dalet's Spanish-influenced stuffing has crab, oyster, chili lemon aioli, grapes, and olives. Tiffani's got soy maple stuffing with quail, grilled mushrooms, and grapes. Fabio has polenta bread with pressure-cooked vegetables, smoked bacon, and the aforementioned grated Parmesan.
Results. Carla naturally kicks off the bottom three, which is no surprise to anyone, least of all her. Tiffani's stuffing was too sweet. Casey's dish was more of a plated appetizer than a stuffing. Now, for the good news. Tre's dressing was spicy, but well-balanced. Marcel had great stuffing, along with a well-cooked, tasty bird. The winner of the immunity and the wad of cash is... Tre. Yaaaaaay! That really did look like the best stuffing. I'd demolish that stuff. He's thrilled, because he's got a couple of expensive things at home called daughters. Heh.
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be cooking at the home of the US Open. The dishes made should reflect the healthy, energy-providing food that athletes base their diets on. Cans of tennis balls are passed to the chefs, some with orange balls, and some with yellow, which breaks everyone into two teams:
Orange: Carla, Richard, Dalet, Antonia, Marcel, Mike, and Fabio
Yellow: Spike, Jamie, Tiffani, Tiffany, Angelo, Tre, and Casey
Spike worries about his team, because as he puts it, he has no "allies" in this group of people. Ah, yes. In case you'd forgotten about how Spike approached this show, he was always more about manipulation and game-playing than the actual cooking. This Survivor-esque strategy sometimes served him well, but once all there was to rely on was cooking skill, he was history. Padma explains that a chef from each team will present their dish in a head-to-head standoff. Whichever dish is better earns a point for the respective team. First team to four points wins. It's a fairly simple idea, but a very good one. I'm surprised they haven't done something like this before.
The chefs head off for fifteen minutes of menu planning. They do their best to come up with some kind of game plan, but without knowing what the other team is making, it's kind of pointless, so everyone just decides to make whatever the hell they want. Food strategy aside, there's game strategy. Team Orange decides that as long as everyone knocks their individual dishes out of the park, it doesn't matter what order they go in. Master Manipulator Spike, on the other hand, has a different idea for Team Yellow. He wants to put whatever their weakest dish is out first, in order to give up a gimme point against what he's assuming will be a strong opener on Team Orange's part.
After shopping the next day, the chefs head for the US Open kitchen, where they get three hours of prep time. Fabio... Are you ready to be floored? Are you sitting down? I just want to be sure you're prepared to be massively shocked. Ready? Fabio... Is making gnocchi. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!! Next thing you know, he'll be preparing a pasta dish of some kind! Casey works with farro. Careful, there. Jamie frets that her chickpeas won't be cooked in time. Angelo doesn't like the fish he's bought, so he shops around the kitchen until Tiffany agrees to give up some of her tuna. Ew, not like that, perv. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Since this challenge involves people trying to keep quiet about their respective strategies, it's even more of a waste of time than usual, although Spike does spill about his weakest-dish-first idea. In the whir of activity, Carla cuts half her fingernail clean off, which is a great opportunity to play another round of Here's How Much Awesomer I Am Than You At Withstanding Pain. Carla disdains the medic's advice to go to the hospital, puts a bandage on, and gets back to work. The other chefs give her props in interview, telling us that she really manned up...JAMIE. Unhappy with the first batch, Spike hurries to poach more shrimp in the final moments. Time runs out.
The chefs step out onto the courts for some final prep time. A few spectators watch from the stands. They will not figure into the episode in any way, shape, or form, so I'm unsure why they're included. The judges get seated (including a tennis player named Taylor Dent that I'm unfamiliar with), and Padma calls for the first match. Team Yellow is pretty much certain that Jamie's chickpea dish, which still hasn't finished cooking, is their worst entry. Team Orange sends Fabio out. Team Yellow is petrified of Richard, and since he's not out first (and since Jamie's food needs more time if it's to be of any use), their entire strategy burns down, falls over, and sinks into the swamp. Finally, Casey is like "Fuck it," and volunteers to go first. Fabio's whole wheat gnocchi is served with pork loin ragout, some caramelized fennel, and zucchini. Casey has brined, grilled pork tenderloin over a salad of farro, cherries, peas, and a vinaigrette. Taylor votes for Fabio, as do Padma and Ptom. That's enough votes for a majority, and Fabio wins the point.
He celebrates wildly, while Spike snarks in interview that the strategy was to give that point away, but to give it away with the worst dish. So, what's the difference? You wanted to pit your worst dish (Jamie) against what you assume is their best (Richard), and you can still do that. Maybe the strategy should have been Make Better Food Than the Other Team. I'd forgotten what grand fun it is watching Spike play at being a brilliant tactician. My nephew could totally take him at Chutes and Ladders. Dalet volunteers to go next for Team Orange, because if he doesn't, his dumplings won't make it. Marcel, originally slated to go second, is pissed for some nebulous reason. Dalet will be going up against Tiffani. He's made an edamame dumpling in spicy carrot froth, with crispy soy nuts. Tiffani has black bass sashimi, in an avocado and ponzu vinaigrette. Gail votes for Tiffani. Padma goes with Dalet. Ptom and Tony then vote for Tiffani, which seals the point for Team Yellow.
Next up is Angelo vs. Marcel. Angelo has smoked tuna, with a yuzu gelee, and red onion with capers. Marcel has a cauliflower couscous with pomegranate seeds and raisins. Gah! It's topped with some yellowfin tuna. Taylor can't really decide, but Ptom doesn't care for the cream that Marcel finished with. One vote Angelo. Tony and Gail soon follow, so that's two points for Team Yellow. Marcel gripes that Angelo always plates on a spoon, which is 1) Untrue, and 2) Irrelevant. I wait to hear about how this is all because his team didn't let him present second as originally planned, but it never comes. Jamie interviews that at this rate, she won't have to present at all, which is just how she'd like it.
It appears that Team Orange is about to put Richard forward, so Team Yellow pees their pants again and waffle over whether to send Jamie or not. When Team Orange actually sends Antonia, Team Yellow sends Tiffany out. Antonia would love to boost team morale, but "at the end of the day" (1) everyone is working on their own. DRINK! Tiffany has spiced some tuna with fennel, peppercorns, and coriander seeds, and serves it on a lentil salad. Antonia has scallop on a lentil puree, spiced with mint, and served on dandelion greens with cilantro and chives. Tony votes for Tiffany. Gail votes for Antonia. Taylor goes with Antonia. Padma votes Tiffany. This one's a squeaker! Ptom casts the deciding vote, and it goes to Antonia.
Tie game. Team Orange finally puts forth the feared Richard. Since Team Yellow has already given up two points, it's too late to give up a third on purpose. Spike will be going out. Angelo, who's had his fingers in several dishes, harangues Spike into adding some of Angelo's yuzu gelee to his dish. Spike reluctantly agrees. He's got a tomato tamarind soup, with olive oil-poached shrimp, pineapple, tomatoes, and dill. Richard has a spin on tabouli, with lamb, herbs, and yogurt. Tony says that both proteins are disappointing. Spike's shrimp was bland, and Richard's lamb was gamy. Richard's surrounding ingredients saved his, though, so he gets Tony's vote. Padma agrees, and after Ptom compliments the soup, but criticizes the shrimp, it's unanimous. Team Orange pulls ahead. Spike trudges back to his team, complaining in interview about how his plating went and how Jamie hasn't presented yet. Quick question. How do those two things figure into the worst problem with his dish, which was bland shrimp? I'll let you mull that over for a while.
Match point. Team Orange sends Carla up. Angelo encourages Jamie to go. Um, why? She, along with the rest of Team Yellow, would rather send someone who has a shot in hell of scoring a point, and use their last reserve, which is Tre. Angelo offers to help, and Tre allows him to cook the fish, some of which wind up overdone. The combatants walk up to present. Carla has an African groundnut soup, with baked sweet potato, peanuts, and adzuki beans. Tre has salmon on parsnip puree, with olive oil/citrus sauce, tomatoes, and olives. Taylor votes for Tre. Tony enthuses over Carla's soup, and happily gives her a vote. Padma votes for Carla, and Gail (after telling Tre that his fish is somewhat overdone), seals the deal. Carla takes the point, and with it, cinches Team Orange's victory. Carla lets out a wild, Xena-ish scream of triumph. Hehehe.
Spike complains that if only they'd have stuck with their strategy, Team Yellow would have won. HOW? If Jamie had lost to Fabio instead of Casey losing to Fabio, what would be different? Oh, I know! Nothing. Based on judge votes, the only hope Casey would have had would be to go up against Marcel. Neither of them got any votes. If she won that point, it would have given Team Yellow a tie, which would have brought the finals down to Mike vs. Tre, at which point the overcooked salmon would probably have sunk Team Yellow anyway. But by all means, Spike, blame the abandonment of your strategy rather than your crappy food. Glad to see that nothing's changed since your season. You and Elia should form a club. Tiffany agrees that Spike's strategy was idiotic, while Mike says that "at the end of the day," (2) you can't really have a strategy other than Make Good Food and expect to win. DRINK!
Interstitial. Mike leads a rousing dance party in the fret 'n sweat.
Speaking of, here we are. Spike interviews that Jamie had the worst dish, so "at the end of the day," (3) she should be up for elimination, which she isn't. DRINK! Padma enters, and summons the winning points from Team Orange: Carla, Fabio, Richard, and Antonia. Once they're out with the judges, Padma adds that the individual winner gets a trip to Italy. Nice. Fabio's face: "And? I go there every weekend." Richard explains that their strength was focusing on the food and not on any strategy. Carla's soup was homey, yet elevated. Antonia's dish had wonderful layers of flavor. Richard's tabouli tasted great, and Fabio's gnocchi was light, yet tasty. The winner of the challenge, and the trip to Italy is... Carla! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!! She gets applause and hugs back in the Kitchen, before the losing points from Team Yellow (Casey, Tre, Spike, and Tiffany) are sent out to Judges' Table. Once they're gone, Richard tells Jamie that she's got a story going now. She attempts to be pissy and offended, but knows exactly what he's talking about. And he's right. Jamie's arc is now officially: Attempt To Win the Season By Just Refusing to Cook Anything Until Everyone Else is Eliminated. She shrugs, trying to play it off like she doesn't care. She doesn't sell it well.
Judges' Table. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back from their break. The judges open by asking what Team Yellow's strategy was. Spike explains his terrific idea that the rest of the stupid team ignored. Ptom wonders where the backfire happened, because Jamie isn't even up for elimination. That is the one thing that I hadn't considered when tearing Spike apart a couple of paragraphs ago. His team still would have lost, but at least Jamie would be up for elimination. Spike tries another tack, which is to blame Angelo for messing with his soup. His soup that Ptom loved. Keep dancing, Spike! Still, Ptom thinks it worth asking Tiffany if she thinks Angelo is trying to sabotage other people's food. Before she answers, I have to say that I doubt it. I think Angelo always thinks he knows best, even when he has no idea what's going on with someone else's food. He's supercilious, not devious. Tiffany (partially) agrees, saying that each chef is ultimately responsible for their own dishes.
Gail tells Tiffany that her salad was somewhat overdressed, and her spice rub wasn't terrific, either. Fairly minor complaints, all things considered. Tre has immunity, but his fish was overcooked and oily, and was actually the judges' least favorite dish. Either Tre says nothing in response, or it's all on the cutting room floor. Casey's dish was heavy. She argues that it was meant to be hearty. Tony says that it was a problem of perception, and that if there had been more farro and less pork, it may not have been an issue. Meh. Also pretty minor, if you ask me. The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Spike sighs that he should have just told the others to step off and let him plate his own dish. He really is determined to ignore the fact that the parts that the other chefs messed with was the only part of his dish the judges liked. Keep dancing! Tiffany reiterates that "at the end of the day," (4) everyone is still responsible for their own food. DRINK!
Viewing Party Tiffany (reaching for her glass): "Jesus."
Limecrete: "See why it's a drinking game rule now?"
Seriously, America. It's time to put that phrase to bed. Deliberations. Tre is damned lucky he has immunity, and may have phoned it in. Spike's dish needed salt, and he should have stood his ground on plating. Casey's dish was protein-heavy. Tiffany's dish was underseasoned. A shot of Tiffany looking worried back in the Kitchen is shown, and in the background noise, Spike is still complaining about how other people messed with his food. Keep dancing! Nothing's ever your fault! Dance!
Elimination. The same criticisms are rehashed before the wild dance comes to an end. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. In his final interview, he makes sure to tell us how screwed he got, and how awesome he is, and how others should have gone first. He closes by addressing Jamie, and telling her that at some point the competition, she's going to have to stop playing games and cook. Really? People should focus on cooking skill and not on manipulative game play? How perceptive! Is there someone else in the general vicinity who might benefit from that lesson? Nah, probably not. Keep dancing, Spike. I'm sure you'll be able to fool someone one of these days.
Overall Grade: A
Previously on Top Chef: A culinary relay race reconfirmed the moral of "The Tortoise and the Hare". The chefs attempted to cook in the style of other people, the better to determine who's the most adaptable. Stephen -- who probably hasn't even cooked in his own style since Season 1 -- got eliminated, with poor Dalel right behind him. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Casey is bummed that her pal Dalel is no longer around to be awesome, while Tiffani tries to drag herself out of the slump that's put her into the bottom for two weeks running (although the first one doesn't really count, so whatever). Dalet is happy for his win, but gives the Standard Speech.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Tony Mantuano, who cooked for Top Chef Masters, and who rather looks like a friendly basset hound. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I mean that as a compliment. For today's Quickfire, we get one of those hilarious challenges that shoehorns a seasonal event going on in real time into an episode filmed at an entirely different time of year. I love it when they tell chefs to create a Christmas feast in August. Anyhow, the challenge today is to make stuffing, which Tiffani reminds us is probably the most varied "traditional" recipe in the entire pantheon of holiday foods. The chefs will have 45 minutes to create a stuffing of their own. If that sounds too simple, there's naturally a catch: No utensils allowed. That sounds pretty rough, but there's a nice bonus for the chef that works it out. The winner gets immunity and $20,000. Ready? Go!
The chefs spring right into their prep work, and some very clever ideas are hatched to get around the challenge's limitations. Richard uses a jar lid for a spoon. Fabio grates cheese through a dish rack. Tiffani butchers quail with a pepper mill. Tre freezes ingredients with liquid nitrogen so they can be smashed easily. Ears of corn and stalks of celery are used as stirring spoons. Time runs out. Padma and Tony go down the line. Casey has gone an Asian route with mushrooms and crispy chicken livers. Jamie has made a "stuffing crepinette" with pork and lemon oil. She calls it a take on matzo ball soup, which is about as apt as calling pepperoni pizza a take on breakfast cereal. Carla readily admits her quinoa didn't have time to cook properly, calling her finished plate "undone-te" instead of al dente. Hehehe.
Spike has stuffed quail with raisins and herbs, and has put an apricot glaze on it. Marcel has squab with raisin brioche, cherries, currants, and ras el hanout gravy. Enough with the raisins. Richard has pressure-cooked an onion with nitro-fried fennel. He also incorporates the hated raisins. Tre's southwestern stuffing has bacon, cheese, chili powder, and peppers. Now that's what I'm talkin' about. Dalet's Spanish-influenced stuffing has crab, oyster, chili lemon aioli, grapes, and olives. Tiffani's got soy maple stuffing with quail, grilled mushrooms, and grapes. Fabio has polenta bread with pressure-cooked vegetables, smoked bacon, and the aforementioned grated Parmesan.
Results. Carla naturally kicks off the bottom three, which is no surprise to anyone, least of all her. Tiffani's stuffing was too sweet. Casey's dish was more of a plated appetizer than a stuffing. Now, for the good news. Tre's dressing was spicy, but well-balanced. Marcel had great stuffing, along with a well-cooked, tasty bird. The winner of the immunity and the wad of cash is... Tre. Yaaaaaay! That really did look like the best stuffing. I'd demolish that stuff. He's thrilled, because he's got a couple of expensive things at home called daughters. Heh.
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be cooking at the home of the US Open. The dishes made should reflect the healthy, energy-providing food that athletes base their diets on. Cans of tennis balls are passed to the chefs, some with orange balls, and some with yellow, which breaks everyone into two teams:
Orange: Carla, Richard, Dalet, Antonia, Marcel, Mike, and Fabio
Yellow: Spike, Jamie, Tiffani, Tiffany, Angelo, Tre, and Casey
Spike worries about his team, because as he puts it, he has no "allies" in this group of people. Ah, yes. In case you'd forgotten about how Spike approached this show, he was always more about manipulation and game-playing than the actual cooking. This Survivor-esque strategy sometimes served him well, but once all there was to rely on was cooking skill, he was history. Padma explains that a chef from each team will present their dish in a head-to-head standoff. Whichever dish is better earns a point for the respective team. First team to four points wins. It's a fairly simple idea, but a very good one. I'm surprised they haven't done something like this before.
The chefs head off for fifteen minutes of menu planning. They do their best to come up with some kind of game plan, but without knowing what the other team is making, it's kind of pointless, so everyone just decides to make whatever the hell they want. Food strategy aside, there's game strategy. Team Orange decides that as long as everyone knocks their individual dishes out of the park, it doesn't matter what order they go in. Master Manipulator Spike, on the other hand, has a different idea for Team Yellow. He wants to put whatever their weakest dish is out first, in order to give up a gimme point against what he's assuming will be a strong opener on Team Orange's part.
After shopping the next day, the chefs head for the US Open kitchen, where they get three hours of prep time. Fabio... Are you ready to be floored? Are you sitting down? I just want to be sure you're prepared to be massively shocked. Ready? Fabio... Is making gnocchi. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!! Next thing you know, he'll be preparing a pasta dish of some kind! Casey works with farro. Careful, there. Jamie frets that her chickpeas won't be cooked in time. Angelo doesn't like the fish he's bought, so he shops around the kitchen until Tiffany agrees to give up some of her tuna. Ew, not like that, perv. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Since this challenge involves people trying to keep quiet about their respective strategies, it's even more of a waste of time than usual, although Spike does spill about his weakest-dish-first idea. In the whir of activity, Carla cuts half her fingernail clean off, which is a great opportunity to play another round of Here's How Much Awesomer I Am Than You At Withstanding Pain. Carla disdains the medic's advice to go to the hospital, puts a bandage on, and gets back to work. The other chefs give her props in interview, telling us that she really manned up...JAMIE. Unhappy with the first batch, Spike hurries to poach more shrimp in the final moments. Time runs out.
The chefs step out onto the courts for some final prep time. A few spectators watch from the stands. They will not figure into the episode in any way, shape, or form, so I'm unsure why they're included. The judges get seated (including a tennis player named Taylor Dent that I'm unfamiliar with), and Padma calls for the first match. Team Yellow is pretty much certain that Jamie's chickpea dish, which still hasn't finished cooking, is their worst entry. Team Orange sends Fabio out. Team Yellow is petrified of Richard, and since he's not out first (and since Jamie's food needs more time if it's to be of any use), their entire strategy burns down, falls over, and sinks into the swamp. Finally, Casey is like "Fuck it," and volunteers to go first. Fabio's whole wheat gnocchi is served with pork loin ragout, some caramelized fennel, and zucchini. Casey has brined, grilled pork tenderloin over a salad of farro, cherries, peas, and a vinaigrette. Taylor votes for Fabio, as do Padma and Ptom. That's enough votes for a majority, and Fabio wins the point.
He celebrates wildly, while Spike snarks in interview that the strategy was to give that point away, but to give it away with the worst dish. So, what's the difference? You wanted to pit your worst dish (Jamie) against what you assume is their best (Richard), and you can still do that. Maybe the strategy should have been Make Better Food Than the Other Team. I'd forgotten what grand fun it is watching Spike play at being a brilliant tactician. My nephew could totally take him at Chutes and Ladders. Dalet volunteers to go next for Team Orange, because if he doesn't, his dumplings won't make it. Marcel, originally slated to go second, is pissed for some nebulous reason. Dalet will be going up against Tiffani. He's made an edamame dumpling in spicy carrot froth, with crispy soy nuts. Tiffani has black bass sashimi, in an avocado and ponzu vinaigrette. Gail votes for Tiffani. Padma goes with Dalet. Ptom and Tony then vote for Tiffani, which seals the point for Team Yellow.
Next up is Angelo vs. Marcel. Angelo has smoked tuna, with a yuzu gelee, and red onion with capers. Marcel has a cauliflower couscous with pomegranate seeds and raisins. Gah! It's topped with some yellowfin tuna. Taylor can't really decide, but Ptom doesn't care for the cream that Marcel finished with. One vote Angelo. Tony and Gail soon follow, so that's two points for Team Yellow. Marcel gripes that Angelo always plates on a spoon, which is 1) Untrue, and 2) Irrelevant. I wait to hear about how this is all because his team didn't let him present second as originally planned, but it never comes. Jamie interviews that at this rate, she won't have to present at all, which is just how she'd like it.
It appears that Team Orange is about to put Richard forward, so Team Yellow pees their pants again and waffle over whether to send Jamie or not. When Team Orange actually sends Antonia, Team Yellow sends Tiffany out. Antonia would love to boost team morale, but "at the end of the day" (1) everyone is working on their own. DRINK! Tiffany has spiced some tuna with fennel, peppercorns, and coriander seeds, and serves it on a lentil salad. Antonia has scallop on a lentil puree, spiced with mint, and served on dandelion greens with cilantro and chives. Tony votes for Tiffany. Gail votes for Antonia. Taylor goes with Antonia. Padma votes Tiffany. This one's a squeaker! Ptom casts the deciding vote, and it goes to Antonia.
Tie game. Team Orange finally puts forth the feared Richard. Since Team Yellow has already given up two points, it's too late to give up a third on purpose. Spike will be going out. Angelo, who's had his fingers in several dishes, harangues Spike into adding some of Angelo's yuzu gelee to his dish. Spike reluctantly agrees. He's got a tomato tamarind soup, with olive oil-poached shrimp, pineapple, tomatoes, and dill. Richard has a spin on tabouli, with lamb, herbs, and yogurt. Tony says that both proteins are disappointing. Spike's shrimp was bland, and Richard's lamb was gamy. Richard's surrounding ingredients saved his, though, so he gets Tony's vote. Padma agrees, and after Ptom compliments the soup, but criticizes the shrimp, it's unanimous. Team Orange pulls ahead. Spike trudges back to his team, complaining in interview about how his plating went and how Jamie hasn't presented yet. Quick question. How do those two things figure into the worst problem with his dish, which was bland shrimp? I'll let you mull that over for a while.
Match point. Team Orange sends Carla up. Angelo encourages Jamie to go. Um, why? She, along with the rest of Team Yellow, would rather send someone who has a shot in hell of scoring a point, and use their last reserve, which is Tre. Angelo offers to help, and Tre allows him to cook the fish, some of which wind up overdone. The combatants walk up to present. Carla has an African groundnut soup, with baked sweet potato, peanuts, and adzuki beans. Tre has salmon on parsnip puree, with olive oil/citrus sauce, tomatoes, and olives. Taylor votes for Tre. Tony enthuses over Carla's soup, and happily gives her a vote. Padma votes for Carla, and Gail (after telling Tre that his fish is somewhat overdone), seals the deal. Carla takes the point, and with it, cinches Team Orange's victory. Carla lets out a wild, Xena-ish scream of triumph. Hehehe.
Spike complains that if only they'd have stuck with their strategy, Team Yellow would have won. HOW? If Jamie had lost to Fabio instead of Casey losing to Fabio, what would be different? Oh, I know! Nothing. Based on judge votes, the only hope Casey would have had would be to go up against Marcel. Neither of them got any votes. If she won that point, it would have given Team Yellow a tie, which would have brought the finals down to Mike vs. Tre, at which point the overcooked salmon would probably have sunk Team Yellow anyway. But by all means, Spike, blame the abandonment of your strategy rather than your crappy food. Glad to see that nothing's changed since your season. You and Elia should form a club. Tiffany agrees that Spike's strategy was idiotic, while Mike says that "at the end of the day," (2) you can't really have a strategy other than Make Good Food and expect to win. DRINK!
Interstitial. Mike leads a rousing dance party in the fret 'n sweat.
Speaking of, here we are. Spike interviews that Jamie had the worst dish, so "at the end of the day," (3) she should be up for elimination, which she isn't. DRINK! Padma enters, and summons the winning points from Team Orange: Carla, Fabio, Richard, and Antonia. Once they're out with the judges, Padma adds that the individual winner gets a trip to Italy. Nice. Fabio's face: "And? I go there every weekend." Richard explains that their strength was focusing on the food and not on any strategy. Carla's soup was homey, yet elevated. Antonia's dish had wonderful layers of flavor. Richard's tabouli tasted great, and Fabio's gnocchi was light, yet tasty. The winner of the challenge, and the trip to Italy is... Carla! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!! She gets applause and hugs back in the Kitchen, before the losing points from Team Yellow (Casey, Tre, Spike, and Tiffany) are sent out to Judges' Table. Once they're gone, Richard tells Jamie that she's got a story going now. She attempts to be pissy and offended, but knows exactly what he's talking about. And he's right. Jamie's arc is now officially: Attempt To Win the Season By Just Refusing to Cook Anything Until Everyone Else is Eliminated. She shrugs, trying to play it off like she doesn't care. She doesn't sell it well.
Judges' Table. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back from their break. The judges open by asking what Team Yellow's strategy was. Spike explains his terrific idea that the rest of the stupid team ignored. Ptom wonders where the backfire happened, because Jamie isn't even up for elimination. That is the one thing that I hadn't considered when tearing Spike apart a couple of paragraphs ago. His team still would have lost, but at least Jamie would be up for elimination. Spike tries another tack, which is to blame Angelo for messing with his soup. His soup that Ptom loved. Keep dancing, Spike! Still, Ptom thinks it worth asking Tiffany if she thinks Angelo is trying to sabotage other people's food. Before she answers, I have to say that I doubt it. I think Angelo always thinks he knows best, even when he has no idea what's going on with someone else's food. He's supercilious, not devious. Tiffany (partially) agrees, saying that each chef is ultimately responsible for their own dishes.
Gail tells Tiffany that her salad was somewhat overdressed, and her spice rub wasn't terrific, either. Fairly minor complaints, all things considered. Tre has immunity, but his fish was overcooked and oily, and was actually the judges' least favorite dish. Either Tre says nothing in response, or it's all on the cutting room floor. Casey's dish was heavy. She argues that it was meant to be hearty. Tony says that it was a problem of perception, and that if there had been more farro and less pork, it may not have been an issue. Meh. Also pretty minor, if you ask me. The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Spike sighs that he should have just told the others to step off and let him plate his own dish. He really is determined to ignore the fact that the parts that the other chefs messed with was the only part of his dish the judges liked. Keep dancing! Tiffany reiterates that "at the end of the day," (4) everyone is still responsible for their own food. DRINK!
Viewing Party Tiffany (reaching for her glass): "Jesus."
Limecrete: "See why it's a drinking game rule now?"
Seriously, America. It's time to put that phrase to bed. Deliberations. Tre is damned lucky he has immunity, and may have phoned it in. Spike's dish needed salt, and he should have stood his ground on plating. Casey's dish was protein-heavy. Tiffany's dish was underseasoned. A shot of Tiffany looking worried back in the Kitchen is shown, and in the background noise, Spike is still complaining about how other people messed with his food. Keep dancing! Nothing's ever your fault! Dance!
Elimination. The same criticisms are rehashed before the wild dance comes to an end. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. In his final interview, he makes sure to tell us how screwed he got, and how awesome he is, and how others should have gone first. He closes by addressing Jamie, and telling her that at some point the competition, she's going to have to stop playing games and cook. Really? People should focus on cooking skill and not on manipulative game play? How perceptive! Is there someone else in the general vicinity who might benefit from that lesson? Nah, probably not. Keep dancing, Spike. I'm sure you'll be able to fool someone one of these days.
Overall Grade: A
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Flaming Queens
Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 4
Previously on Just Desserts: Malika considered fleeing the insanity of the Top Chef house for the lesser insanity of divorce and children. Peanut butter was molded into a double-edged sword. One side of it gently tapped Eric on both shoulders, dubbing him challenge winner, while the other side speared Heatherc's chances of victory. Oh, and Seth's big wad of crazy showed no signs of abating. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. In addition to the usual spread, a happy accident resulted in not one, but two gooey butter cakes popping up at the party. No, that's okay. I didn't need a waistline, anyway. Next time you stop by St. Louis, be sure to pick up a butter cake of your own. You know, if you hate your arteries and want them to suffer.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Once again, Seth tries to casually explain away his psychotic breakdowns. It's "stress". It's "necessary to being an artist". It's bullshit. Boy just fell out of the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down. Zac interviews that Seth flips out whenever he encounters difficulty, and difficulty is...kind of the entire point of the competition. A glimmer of self-awareness peeks through when Seth interviews that his biggest weakness is psychological, and that his emotions can drag him down. See, there's hope! Over on the rational end of responding to stress, Malika is carefully weighing the pros and cons of leaving the competition. As she's told us before, all she cares about is cooking and her children, and this experience is handily ruining one of those things. Rather than make any rash decisions, she's going to stick it out for the time being and see how things progress.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and guest judge Gale Gand, an executive pastry chef at some restaurant or other. Gails aplenty! There is also a display of Breyers ice cream set up on the counter. Gail is plainly thrilled to introduce this week's challenge, which will be to make an ice cream sundae. Seth pumps his fist in victory, because as he interviews, he can make some awesome ice cream. It doesn't occur to him that there's a clearly product-placed, specific brand of ice cream sitting right there in front of him, so making his own is probably not in the cards. I guess he's hoping Gail's next announcement will be: "Chefs, we all love Breyers ice cream! Now completely ignore it and do your own thing!" As Gail tries to explain that the sundaes should have a creative twist to them, Seth asks if they get to make their own ice cream. Gail tells him that they will not, and off we go! Please enjoy the Psychotic Meltdown Roller Coaster!
We begin with a gentle climb, as Seth responds to... Well, it's not even a "twist", since the Breyers is an obvious component of the challenge. At any rate, Seth sees this as a setback, and we all know how great he is at handling those! He starts by trying to act amused-but-disappointed, like "Oh, well. Too bad, because I would have kicked your asses had the challenge been exclusively tailored to my strengths." Then he starts rocking back and forth on his feet, his head lolling around in all directions. He starts breathing heavily, like he's about to throw up. He starts muttering to himself and punching the air. Next time he tries to pawn off his insanity on stress, keep in mind that this impending implosion is his response to the fact that he'll be using ice cream provided for him. So stressful!
We get a rare behind-the-scenes look at the show, as the chefs go back to the fret 'n sweat room to wait for the crew to fully set up the challenge, and so that the chefs can ask questions and verify rules with the producers. Why this peek behind the curtain? Because the roller coaster car has reached the top of the hill, and it's time to fall. The chefs clutch paper copies of rules or something as a producer asks if everything's clear, and Seth asks the other chefs if any of them heard that supplies the chefs abandon would become part of the provided supplies in the pantry. They agree, but point out that they also know that the rule was changed later. It seems Seth threw out some paper cups, and the production will not be replacing them. Another minor setback. Down we go! He starts carping at the producers that the paper cups are vital to winning this ice cream sundae challenge, and he's not going to sacrifice his chances in this competition because EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS AGAINST HIM. We're never going to hear why paper cups would help in an ice cream sundae challenge, and I'd love to hear his loony reasoning behind it.
Zac reports that Seth started screaming and asking for his phone, passport (??), and wallet so that he can leave. Why this is being reported second-hand and isn't being shown is beyond me. Seth stalks out the door, and Yigit takes on that condescending, Disappointed Dad voice that drives me fucking bananas when he admonishes the other chefs to put all this behind them, asking everyone who's sick of Seth's shit to raise their hands. It's unanimous, and he's got good points. I'm just sick of his snide tone. A siren wails in the distance. An ambulance arrives, and Seth is shown flat on the ground. He interviews that he had an anxiety attack, and couldn't catch his breath. He fainted, so 911 was called. Once he's up and spry again, he tells us that the producers have not medically cleared him to compete, so he has to go. Yaaaaaaaaaaay! I never thought I'd see the day!
You have to understand, I don't watch shows where the entire point is to be a crazy asshole. No Survivor. No Big Brother. No Housewives of Such-and-Such. The reality shows I watch involve some sort of merit-based challenges. Who can cook the best? Who can race from this city to this city the fastest? Who can design the best cocktail dress? A fight here and there is fine to keep things spicy, but it's essential that a person be, say, a chef who has temper tantrums, not a tantrum thrower who happens to cook now and then. Seth is completely cuckoo, and while I don't fault the production for letting him in (I'm sure they didn't know how deeply his nuttiness ran), once it became clear that he's unable to function in this arena without falling apart, it became imperative for him to go. Frankly, I wasn't entirely sure the production would do that, either by force or by elimination, and I'm pleased as punch to see that they have their limits. Bye, Seth! Turns out those paper cups were intrinsic to your chances in the competition!
Johnny comes in to talk to the other chefs, and tells them what has happened, hoping that everyone else can get back to the competition at hand. "We want to," Yigit sneers, as if Johnny has been chastising him personally. It's tough to be anti-Yigit at this viewing party, because everyone else here loves him. And if he'd stop responding to everything in a passive-aggressive snip, I could come around on him, too. In the meantime, he desperately needs to shut up. Needless to say, the chefs chatter a lot about Seth's ouster, but all I'll report is that they wish him the best. As long as the best is far, far away from them. I'll drink to that. So... There's this Quickfire. The ice cream sundaes, remember? Each chef pulls a scoop with a ribbon attached to determine the flavor they'll be working with:
Morgan - Mint Chocolate Chip
Yigit - Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Erika - Chocolate
Zac - Cherry Vanilla
Danielle - Rocky Road
Eric - Natural Vanilla
Heatherh - Vanilla Fudge Twirl
Malika - Cookies & Cream
I'm disappointed not to see my favorite Breyers flavor: Half vanilla bean, half Dutch cocoa. Now there's a sundae I could get behind. And do. The chefs have half an hour to put their creations together, and the winner gets some sweet, sweet immunity. Ready? Go!
Chefs scatter. Eric's not entirely down with the whole wacky sundae idea, and hopes that sticking to good flavor will pull him through. Malika is reminded via Seth's flameout that things could be a whole lot worse, and decides to just have fun with it. Morgan tells us that Sunday is the day he gets to spend with his son, so he's throwing together all of the kid's favorites, from the mint chocolate chip ice cream to Oreos. Yigit hopes to incorporate the flavors he knows from Turkey into a very American kind of ice cream. Time winds down, and the Gails enter. They need to pull Gael Greene in from Top Chef: Masters and just go all out on the Gail party. Rather than the judges going down the line, the chefs bring their sundaes up one by one. Maybe everyone was allowed to keep things chilled while they waited their turn.
Zac has a "Black Forest is burning" sundae with deep-fried, panko-battered cherry vanilla ice cream. Erika has made chocolate banana s'mores, with a frangelico sundae. Morgan actually chokes up a bit when he describes the inspiration for his sundae. He's got an Oreo, mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich alongside a glass of chocolate milk. It looks good, and makes me wish I were a bigger fan of mint. Eric has topped his vanilla ice cream with sauteed peaches, brandy, and a brown sugar/butter crisp. Yigit has a chocolate chip cookie dough sundae with peanut butter and s'mores. Dude really likes his marshmallow. Danielle has done a layered sundae that's half rocky road, half Neapolitan, with toasted almonds and meringue.
Results. Wait, "results"? At the viewing party, I clearly remember seeing Heatherh present her sundae, because she had that cute little ice cream ribbon tied in her hair. And I remember Danielle interviewing about how she wanted to open an ice cream shop of her own. Where's that footage? I'm recapping this from the iTunes broadcast, and if they're chopping out sections of the show I'm actually paying to rewatch, I'm going to be mad.
The bottom three starts off with Eric, whose sundae may have tasted fine, but was too simple. Danielle's Neapolitan reference didn't come through. Erika's sundae was too standard. In other words, everyone's sundae was delicious, and they had to split hairs to get a bottom three. Now, to the top three. Zac's idea to use panko was extremely creative. Yigit's combination of ganache and sauce was "fun to eat", and Morgan had nice, contrasting textures and temperatures. The winner of the challenge and immunity is... Morgan. He tears up again in interview about how great it is to have someone like his sundae as much as his son hopefully would. Well, that's sweet.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be split into three teams of three, which will be difficult with eight chefs. Gail announces that someone will be rejoining them to fill Seth's spot. The chefs all turn towards the door, and Heatherc appears, back in and ready to win! The chefs all clap happily, including the ones who practically socked her in the jaw last week. I wonder how they were able to get her back so quickly. Maybe there was a long lag between Quickfire and Elimination so they could reinstate her. She interviews that she went home too early to show her strengths, and she's happy she's gotten this second chance. She's still got that bandage on her forehead.
LabRat: "That's why Seth had to leave. He stabbed her in the face."
Morgan, Yigit, and Zac get to be team captains, since they were the top three of the Quickfire. The teams shake out to be:
Morgan/Heatherh/Eric
Yigit/Erika/Danielle
Zac/Malika/Heatherc
Once again, it takes little to no effort to decide which team I'm rooting for. More missing footage of how Morgan picked his team because they have varying strengths. I'm amazed I'm able to peer through the wine haze and screaming viewing party members to pull these missing bits out of my ass four days later. Go, me! Gail tells the chefs that they'll be attending a performance by a local troupe of performance artists, who are fine, but basically a third-rate version of Cirque de Soleil. The chefs will be drawing experience from the show to make their desserts, which will be served at a party for the troupe members and guests. Each team must present something flaming. At this point, Gail makes sure to spell out that she means the food must be on fire, lest things get super gay in here. Each team must also put forth a magnificent showpiece dessert. Something that will wow the eye. Everyone on the team is responsible for putting his or her own stamp on an individual dessert. As Gail sends everyone on their way, Eric interviews about how overwhelming the challenge is. Yeah, it's a lot to get done.
That night, the chefs take in the show. Just think of the first thing that pops into your head when I say "fire clowns". Whatever you're thinking? That's the show. Once it's over, the chefs head back to the Kitchen to plan their menus. Heatherh volunteers to do the showpiece for her team. Morgan shrugs in interview about how she's free to do it, though it's risky, because if it doesn't come out perfectly, she can't depend on immune team leader Morgan to take the fall. Meanwhile, Heatherc has not magically acquired the communication skills she lacked when she got eliminated. She's still having trouble figuring out her dessert, which does not make Zac happy. He interviews that she cannot function as an individual, which is part of the reason she got eliminated in the first place. True that.
Once the planning is done, the chefs have four hours to prep. Heatherh gives us the additional info that the showpiece must be at least two feet tall, and there must be three additional desserts, plus a flaming dessert. Team themes and menus are discussed. The themes are dumb, and we'll see the menus later, so let's skip it. Whee, I'm drunk with power! Zac is in charge of his team's showpiece, and asks someone to press his face hard into a bed of brown sugar to make a mold. I'll do it! He fills the mold with chocolate, and when it hardens, pops the face out. Okay, that's neat; he did a good job with that. Heatherc's meringues dry out, and she has to work hard to keep from freaking out. Malika interviews that she wishes Heatherc could pull it together, since they're in the midst of a team challenge. Jeez. Now that Seth's gone, other people's issues are coming to the fore pretty damn fast.
The next morning, Malika calls home. Hearing her kids probably doesn't do her any favors in the keep-my-head-in-the-game department. Speaking of problems in that area, Heatherc mopes on the couch in her sunglasses. Morgan goes over to talk to her, and she tells him that there's no joy in this experience for her. I feel weird defending Malika for having those feelings and rolling my eyes when Heatherc says basically the exact same thing. The key difference being if Heatherc was so unhappy being in the competition, why did she come back? Why not just say "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to head home to my loving fiancee," and leave it at that? What's the point of leaping back into the fray if all you're going to do is complain about how much you hate it, and by the way, drag all your teammates down with you? Heatherh feels pretty much the same way, but while I'd just seethe silently, she out-and-out takes Heatherc to task for wasting her second chance so frivolously. She tells Heatherc that she's letting her teammates down, and that she's being a spoiled brat, closing by telling Heatherc's retreating figure that she needs to suck it up. More missing footage. Something about how you can't get all down in the dumps about possibly being eliminated, because everyone's going to be eliminated except one person. Good (missing) point.
Over at the fire clown performance space, the chefs have two hours to set up. Showpieces are built. Yigit's team is still putting theirs together when guests start streaming in. In the final few moments, everyone hysterically plates their desserts. The fire clowns put on a show for the judges and guests. A lady spins around in a leather sling.
LabRat: "Big deal. I've got one of those in my basement."
The chefs do their best to stay focused on plating while people are twirling fire batons and swallowing swords two feet away. Once the show is over, the judges head for the dessert tables. Along with Gail, Gale, and Johnny, Hubert Keller is back on the panel this week. We begin with Morgan/Heatherh/Eric. Heatherh presents the showpiece, which is a giant chocolate sphere atop a pillar, with what looks like some spun sugar ribbons. Morgan has made mango panna cotta, with an acai fluid gel, and passion fruit sorbet. Heatherh has whipped up a triple chocolate chai tea mousse torte. Eric has made a lemon caramel roulade, with pomegranate sauce and candied kumquats. Isn't this the third or fourth dish we've seen with candied kumquats so far this season? Sounds like it needs inclusion into the drinking game. The team's flaming dessert is an almond cream, with spiced cherry flambe cooked in star anise. Tasting. Heatherh's showpiece is well-crafted, and Morgan's dish is visually stunning. The judges guess that Eric's sideways roulade is about as wacky as he's prepared to get, and add that Heatherh's torte is very pleasant. Missing footage of star anise seeds being found and spit out.
Zac/Malika/Heatherc. Zac admits that none of them has experience with showpieces, and it shows. It's just a collection of glittery chocolate shapes, although it's set off nicely by the face mold. His individual dessert is a banana creme fraiche cake with a red curry frosting, and handily takes the Limecrete Pick of the Week. I would love to know what that tastes like. Heatherc has made pineapple spiced with black pepper, and serves it with chocolate sorbet and meringue shards. Malika has infused a panna cotta with saffron, and serves it with feuilletine crunch and candied ginger.
Tiffany: "Feuilletine Crunch sounds like a wrestling move."
Their flaming dessert is a play off of Zac's Black Forest Quickfire entry, and is composed of dark chocolate creme fraiche cake, with flambeed cherries. Tasting. The showpiece nicely evokes the burlesque aesthetic of the event. Heatherc's plate is somewhat tepid, and the flavors don't interplay well. Malika's panna cotta is excellent, and far and away the best thing she's made so far. Zac's cake is creative, and the flavors work surprisingly well together. The flaming dessert works well, too. Missing footage of a Celine Dion lookalike chomping down in the background. You don't forget shit like that. Seriously, how much did they cut out of this episode?
Yigit/Danielle/Erika. Their showpiece is a sculpture made of towering circles with the centers cut out, overlaid with chocolate discs. It's pretty. Danielle has made a chocolate mousse cake, with basil ice cream, and chocolate shards. Yigit has made a creme fraiche and sweet lime Bavarian, with a Tonka bean and sweet lime sorbet. Erika has made an almond ice cream bar, with roasted pineapple on top. The flaming dessert is an almond citrus mirliton that has been flambeed with bourbon. The team idiotically decided to flambe all of their desserts before the judges arrived at the table, so they've got no actual fire to show off. Tasting. The showpiece shows a good translation from their inspiration. Danielle's cake is too dense, and the ice cream could use more basil. Erika's dessert is served at the perfect temperature, and the pineapple gives off good acidity. Yigit's dessert is totally girly, which the judges mean as a compliment. The fact that the flaming dessert was ablaze for everyone but the judges (and us) is disappointing.
As service winds down, Morgan notices that Heatherh has slipped into a moody funk for seemingly no reason. Heatherc is similarly blue. She interviews that she feels like Zac is just waiting to savage her at Judges' Table, and that she's squandering her second chance.
Limecrete: "She is totally going home."
LabRat: "Yeah. You can't have two Heathers."
Limecrete: "You can in the movie Heathers."
Interstitial. Eric is zen. The other chefs find it refreshing, because really, have you seen the other chefs?
Fret 'n sweat. Heatherc tells Zac and Eric that she doesn't know if she can handle another Judges' Table. What, may I ask, did she think coming back to the competition would entail? She strikes me as a perfectly nice woman, but she just doesn't seem to get it. "It" meaning "anything". Gail enters, and summons the Morgan/Heatherh/Eric team to Judges' Table. Once they're gone, Yigit sneers "We put so much more work into our showpiece, I'm sorry. It's bullshit. That's all I have to say." I've got it! I know why he keeps rubbing me the wrong way. The snide tone, the condescension, the rampant sense of entitlement... Yigit is Gretchen Weiners. Happily, he won't be making "fetch" happen tonight, because Morgan, Heatherh, and Eric have won the day. Yay!
Morgan's dessert was the best he's made so far. It was delicious and stunning. Heatherh's textures were spot-on, and her showpiece worked well with the theme of the evening. Eric is becoming more comfortable creating multi-layered desserts, and presented a lovely roulade. Gale gets to announce tonight's individual winner, and it is... Morgan. No longer can I wax intellectual about the rarity of people sweeping both challenges in an episode, because it seems to happen more and more these days. Heatherh sucks a lemon. Morgan is pleased to win, but realizes he'd better enjoy the thrill of victory while it lasts.
Curiously, his win is not applauded back in the Kitchen. There isn't really time to dwell on it, though, because Heatherh immediately snipes "You're WELCOME, Morgan," passive-aggressively, even though he hasn't even had time to really say anything. Then she shit-talks him with Yigit, saying that Morgan had time to concentrate on his plate, but Heatherh didn't get enough credit for single-handedly tackling the showpiece plus doing a plated dessert of her own. And perhaps that's true, but I have limited sympathy for people who whine at Winners' Table. You're one step closer to the grand prize. Morgan didn't get anything for winning the challenge. Practically, you've done as well as you can do, save a temporary sense of fleeting glory. Plus, it's not like Morgan took undeserved credit for anything. If she's going to bitch about somebody, it should be the judges. I could understand if she went into interview and said "I think I deserved the win, based on how much work I put into the set of desserts that ultimately put us on top," but to sit in the Kitchen and bitch at Morgan just comes off as sour grapes. I like Heatherh, but gracious, she is not.
Gail comes back to the Kitchen, and says that because there were hits and misses on both other teams, the judges would like to speak to everyone else. Oh, so they'd like to ignore team structure so that they can eliminate anyone they'd like. Thanks a lot, past precedent. The judges want to start with Yigit/Danielle/Erika. Why they even needed to speak with this team separately is a mystery, because all they want to mention is the fact that the flaming dessert wasn't lit in front of the judges. That's literally it. Riveting! The team goes back to the Kitchen so that Zac/Malika/Heatherc can come out for their drubbing. Zac's banana bread gets almost unanimously positive feedback. Gael says that it looked a little punched out, but it's a minor quibble. Malika gets similar praise. Everyone loved her panna cotta. But!
Before the judges can move on to what seems like Heatherc's certain doom, Malika intercedes, and asks the judges to eliminate her. This season is so fucking crazy. This contestant's too crazy to compete! This one got eliminated, came back, and can barely function anymore! This one wants to quit! The desserts are almost tangential at this point. Gail asks Malika if she sure that's what she wants, given that everyone loved her plate. Malika is certain that she wants to leave, rather than watching anyone whose heart is set on winning cut in her place. Gail sighs, and tells her that in that case, she can go back to the Kitchen and pack up her tools.
In her final interview, Malika says that she loves cooking, but has learned along the way that when she's in a competitive environment, she downright hates it. I can understand. I love cooking, too. It's fun, soothing, and is useful in terms of health and saving money. But if someone came along and told me to cook on a strict time limit with crazy competitors screaming in my face and demoralizing judging sessions, I'd high-tail it out of there, too. Back in the Kitchen, she tells the other chefs that she didn't think it was fair for her to continue without really wanting it. Good on her. I know I should be all "What did she think this was going to be like?" but we clearly have our answer, which is "Something else". I've got nothing but respect for her.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Just Desserts: Malika considered fleeing the insanity of the Top Chef house for the lesser insanity of divorce and children. Peanut butter was molded into a double-edged sword. One side of it gently tapped Eric on both shoulders, dubbing him challenge winner, while the other side speared Heatherc's chances of victory. Oh, and Seth's big wad of crazy showed no signs of abating. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. In addition to the usual spread, a happy accident resulted in not one, but two gooey butter cakes popping up at the party. No, that's okay. I didn't need a waistline, anyway. Next time you stop by St. Louis, be sure to pick up a butter cake of your own. You know, if you hate your arteries and want them to suffer.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Once again, Seth tries to casually explain away his psychotic breakdowns. It's "stress". It's "necessary to being an artist". It's bullshit. Boy just fell out of the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down. Zac interviews that Seth flips out whenever he encounters difficulty, and difficulty is...kind of the entire point of the competition. A glimmer of self-awareness peeks through when Seth interviews that his biggest weakness is psychological, and that his emotions can drag him down. See, there's hope! Over on the rational end of responding to stress, Malika is carefully weighing the pros and cons of leaving the competition. As she's told us before, all she cares about is cooking and her children, and this experience is handily ruining one of those things. Rather than make any rash decisions, she's going to stick it out for the time being and see how things progress.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and guest judge Gale Gand, an executive pastry chef at some restaurant or other. Gails aplenty! There is also a display of Breyers ice cream set up on the counter. Gail is plainly thrilled to introduce this week's challenge, which will be to make an ice cream sundae. Seth pumps his fist in victory, because as he interviews, he can make some awesome ice cream. It doesn't occur to him that there's a clearly product-placed, specific brand of ice cream sitting right there in front of him, so making his own is probably not in the cards. I guess he's hoping Gail's next announcement will be: "Chefs, we all love Breyers ice cream! Now completely ignore it and do your own thing!" As Gail tries to explain that the sundaes should have a creative twist to them, Seth asks if they get to make their own ice cream. Gail tells him that they will not, and off we go! Please enjoy the Psychotic Meltdown Roller Coaster!
We begin with a gentle climb, as Seth responds to... Well, it's not even a "twist", since the Breyers is an obvious component of the challenge. At any rate, Seth sees this as a setback, and we all know how great he is at handling those! He starts by trying to act amused-but-disappointed, like "Oh, well. Too bad, because I would have kicked your asses had the challenge been exclusively tailored to my strengths." Then he starts rocking back and forth on his feet, his head lolling around in all directions. He starts breathing heavily, like he's about to throw up. He starts muttering to himself and punching the air. Next time he tries to pawn off his insanity on stress, keep in mind that this impending implosion is his response to the fact that he'll be using ice cream provided for him. So stressful!
We get a rare behind-the-scenes look at the show, as the chefs go back to the fret 'n sweat room to wait for the crew to fully set up the challenge, and so that the chefs can ask questions and verify rules with the producers. Why this peek behind the curtain? Because the roller coaster car has reached the top of the hill, and it's time to fall. The chefs clutch paper copies of rules or something as a producer asks if everything's clear, and Seth asks the other chefs if any of them heard that supplies the chefs abandon would become part of the provided supplies in the pantry. They agree, but point out that they also know that the rule was changed later. It seems Seth threw out some paper cups, and the production will not be replacing them. Another minor setback. Down we go! He starts carping at the producers that the paper cups are vital to winning this ice cream sundae challenge, and he's not going to sacrifice his chances in this competition because EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS AGAINST HIM. We're never going to hear why paper cups would help in an ice cream sundae challenge, and I'd love to hear his loony reasoning behind it.
Zac reports that Seth started screaming and asking for his phone, passport (??), and wallet so that he can leave. Why this is being reported second-hand and isn't being shown is beyond me. Seth stalks out the door, and Yigit takes on that condescending, Disappointed Dad voice that drives me fucking bananas when he admonishes the other chefs to put all this behind them, asking everyone who's sick of Seth's shit to raise their hands. It's unanimous, and he's got good points. I'm just sick of his snide tone. A siren wails in the distance. An ambulance arrives, and Seth is shown flat on the ground. He interviews that he had an anxiety attack, and couldn't catch his breath. He fainted, so 911 was called. Once he's up and spry again, he tells us that the producers have not medically cleared him to compete, so he has to go. Yaaaaaaaaaaay! I never thought I'd see the day!
You have to understand, I don't watch shows where the entire point is to be a crazy asshole. No Survivor. No Big Brother. No Housewives of Such-and-Such. The reality shows I watch involve some sort of merit-based challenges. Who can cook the best? Who can race from this city to this city the fastest? Who can design the best cocktail dress? A fight here and there is fine to keep things spicy, but it's essential that a person be, say, a chef who has temper tantrums, not a tantrum thrower who happens to cook now and then. Seth is completely cuckoo, and while I don't fault the production for letting him in (I'm sure they didn't know how deeply his nuttiness ran), once it became clear that he's unable to function in this arena without falling apart, it became imperative for him to go. Frankly, I wasn't entirely sure the production would do that, either by force or by elimination, and I'm pleased as punch to see that they have their limits. Bye, Seth! Turns out those paper cups were intrinsic to your chances in the competition!
Johnny comes in to talk to the other chefs, and tells them what has happened, hoping that everyone else can get back to the competition at hand. "We want to," Yigit sneers, as if Johnny has been chastising him personally. It's tough to be anti-Yigit at this viewing party, because everyone else here loves him. And if he'd stop responding to everything in a passive-aggressive snip, I could come around on him, too. In the meantime, he desperately needs to shut up. Needless to say, the chefs chatter a lot about Seth's ouster, but all I'll report is that they wish him the best. As long as the best is far, far away from them. I'll drink to that. So... There's this Quickfire. The ice cream sundaes, remember? Each chef pulls a scoop with a ribbon attached to determine the flavor they'll be working with:
Morgan - Mint Chocolate Chip
Yigit - Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Erika - Chocolate
Zac - Cherry Vanilla
Danielle - Rocky Road
Eric - Natural Vanilla
Heatherh - Vanilla Fudge Twirl
Malika - Cookies & Cream
I'm disappointed not to see my favorite Breyers flavor: Half vanilla bean, half Dutch cocoa. Now there's a sundae I could get behind. And do. The chefs have half an hour to put their creations together, and the winner gets some sweet, sweet immunity. Ready? Go!
Chefs scatter. Eric's not entirely down with the whole wacky sundae idea, and hopes that sticking to good flavor will pull him through. Malika is reminded via Seth's flameout that things could be a whole lot worse, and decides to just have fun with it. Morgan tells us that Sunday is the day he gets to spend with his son, so he's throwing together all of the kid's favorites, from the mint chocolate chip ice cream to Oreos. Yigit hopes to incorporate the flavors he knows from Turkey into a very American kind of ice cream. Time winds down, and the Gails enter. They need to pull Gael Greene in from Top Chef: Masters and just go all out on the Gail party. Rather than the judges going down the line, the chefs bring their sundaes up one by one. Maybe everyone was allowed to keep things chilled while they waited their turn.
Zac has a "Black Forest is burning" sundae with deep-fried, panko-battered cherry vanilla ice cream. Erika has made chocolate banana s'mores, with a frangelico sundae. Morgan actually chokes up a bit when he describes the inspiration for his sundae. He's got an Oreo, mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich alongside a glass of chocolate milk. It looks good, and makes me wish I were a bigger fan of mint. Eric has topped his vanilla ice cream with sauteed peaches, brandy, and a brown sugar/butter crisp. Yigit has a chocolate chip cookie dough sundae with peanut butter and s'mores. Dude really likes his marshmallow. Danielle has done a layered sundae that's half rocky road, half Neapolitan, with toasted almonds and meringue.
Results. Wait, "results"? At the viewing party, I clearly remember seeing Heatherh present her sundae, because she had that cute little ice cream ribbon tied in her hair. And I remember Danielle interviewing about how she wanted to open an ice cream shop of her own. Where's that footage? I'm recapping this from the iTunes broadcast, and if they're chopping out sections of the show I'm actually paying to rewatch, I'm going to be mad.
The bottom three starts off with Eric, whose sundae may have tasted fine, but was too simple. Danielle's Neapolitan reference didn't come through. Erika's sundae was too standard. In other words, everyone's sundae was delicious, and they had to split hairs to get a bottom three. Now, to the top three. Zac's idea to use panko was extremely creative. Yigit's combination of ganache and sauce was "fun to eat", and Morgan had nice, contrasting textures and temperatures. The winner of the challenge and immunity is... Morgan. He tears up again in interview about how great it is to have someone like his sundae as much as his son hopefully would. Well, that's sweet.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be split into three teams of three, which will be difficult with eight chefs. Gail announces that someone will be rejoining them to fill Seth's spot. The chefs all turn towards the door, and Heatherc appears, back in and ready to win! The chefs all clap happily, including the ones who practically socked her in the jaw last week. I wonder how they were able to get her back so quickly. Maybe there was a long lag between Quickfire and Elimination so they could reinstate her. She interviews that she went home too early to show her strengths, and she's happy she's gotten this second chance. She's still got that bandage on her forehead.
LabRat: "That's why Seth had to leave. He stabbed her in the face."
Morgan, Yigit, and Zac get to be team captains, since they were the top three of the Quickfire. The teams shake out to be:
Morgan/Heatherh/Eric
Yigit/Erika/Danielle
Zac/Malika/Heatherc
Once again, it takes little to no effort to decide which team I'm rooting for. More missing footage of how Morgan picked his team because they have varying strengths. I'm amazed I'm able to peer through the wine haze and screaming viewing party members to pull these missing bits out of my ass four days later. Go, me! Gail tells the chefs that they'll be attending a performance by a local troupe of performance artists, who are fine, but basically a third-rate version of Cirque de Soleil. The chefs will be drawing experience from the show to make their desserts, which will be served at a party for the troupe members and guests. Each team must present something flaming. At this point, Gail makes sure to spell out that she means the food must be on fire, lest things get super gay in here. Each team must also put forth a magnificent showpiece dessert. Something that will wow the eye. Everyone on the team is responsible for putting his or her own stamp on an individual dessert. As Gail sends everyone on their way, Eric interviews about how overwhelming the challenge is. Yeah, it's a lot to get done.
That night, the chefs take in the show. Just think of the first thing that pops into your head when I say "fire clowns". Whatever you're thinking? That's the show. Once it's over, the chefs head back to the Kitchen to plan their menus. Heatherh volunteers to do the showpiece for her team. Morgan shrugs in interview about how she's free to do it, though it's risky, because if it doesn't come out perfectly, she can't depend on immune team leader Morgan to take the fall. Meanwhile, Heatherc has not magically acquired the communication skills she lacked when she got eliminated. She's still having trouble figuring out her dessert, which does not make Zac happy. He interviews that she cannot function as an individual, which is part of the reason she got eliminated in the first place. True that.
Once the planning is done, the chefs have four hours to prep. Heatherh gives us the additional info that the showpiece must be at least two feet tall, and there must be three additional desserts, plus a flaming dessert. Team themes and menus are discussed. The themes are dumb, and we'll see the menus later, so let's skip it. Whee, I'm drunk with power! Zac is in charge of his team's showpiece, and asks someone to press his face hard into a bed of brown sugar to make a mold. I'll do it! He fills the mold with chocolate, and when it hardens, pops the face out. Okay, that's neat; he did a good job with that. Heatherc's meringues dry out, and she has to work hard to keep from freaking out. Malika interviews that she wishes Heatherc could pull it together, since they're in the midst of a team challenge. Jeez. Now that Seth's gone, other people's issues are coming to the fore pretty damn fast.
The next morning, Malika calls home. Hearing her kids probably doesn't do her any favors in the keep-my-head-in-the-game department. Speaking of problems in that area, Heatherc mopes on the couch in her sunglasses. Morgan goes over to talk to her, and she tells him that there's no joy in this experience for her. I feel weird defending Malika for having those feelings and rolling my eyes when Heatherc says basically the exact same thing. The key difference being if Heatherc was so unhappy being in the competition, why did she come back? Why not just say "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to head home to my loving fiancee," and leave it at that? What's the point of leaping back into the fray if all you're going to do is complain about how much you hate it, and by the way, drag all your teammates down with you? Heatherh feels pretty much the same way, but while I'd just seethe silently, she out-and-out takes Heatherc to task for wasting her second chance so frivolously. She tells Heatherc that she's letting her teammates down, and that she's being a spoiled brat, closing by telling Heatherc's retreating figure that she needs to suck it up. More missing footage. Something about how you can't get all down in the dumps about possibly being eliminated, because everyone's going to be eliminated except one person. Good (missing) point.
Over at the fire clown performance space, the chefs have two hours to set up. Showpieces are built. Yigit's team is still putting theirs together when guests start streaming in. In the final few moments, everyone hysterically plates their desserts. The fire clowns put on a show for the judges and guests. A lady spins around in a leather sling.
LabRat: "Big deal. I've got one of those in my basement."
The chefs do their best to stay focused on plating while people are twirling fire batons and swallowing swords two feet away. Once the show is over, the judges head for the dessert tables. Along with Gail, Gale, and Johnny, Hubert Keller is back on the panel this week. We begin with Morgan/Heatherh/Eric. Heatherh presents the showpiece, which is a giant chocolate sphere atop a pillar, with what looks like some spun sugar ribbons. Morgan has made mango panna cotta, with an acai fluid gel, and passion fruit sorbet. Heatherh has whipped up a triple chocolate chai tea mousse torte. Eric has made a lemon caramel roulade, with pomegranate sauce and candied kumquats. Isn't this the third or fourth dish we've seen with candied kumquats so far this season? Sounds like it needs inclusion into the drinking game. The team's flaming dessert is an almond cream, with spiced cherry flambe cooked in star anise. Tasting. Heatherh's showpiece is well-crafted, and Morgan's dish is visually stunning. The judges guess that Eric's sideways roulade is about as wacky as he's prepared to get, and add that Heatherh's torte is very pleasant. Missing footage of star anise seeds being found and spit out.
Zac/Malika/Heatherc. Zac admits that none of them has experience with showpieces, and it shows. It's just a collection of glittery chocolate shapes, although it's set off nicely by the face mold. His individual dessert is a banana creme fraiche cake with a red curry frosting, and handily takes the Limecrete Pick of the Week. I would love to know what that tastes like. Heatherc has made pineapple spiced with black pepper, and serves it with chocolate sorbet and meringue shards. Malika has infused a panna cotta with saffron, and serves it with feuilletine crunch and candied ginger.
Tiffany: "Feuilletine Crunch sounds like a wrestling move."
Their flaming dessert is a play off of Zac's Black Forest Quickfire entry, and is composed of dark chocolate creme fraiche cake, with flambeed cherries. Tasting. The showpiece nicely evokes the burlesque aesthetic of the event. Heatherc's plate is somewhat tepid, and the flavors don't interplay well. Malika's panna cotta is excellent, and far and away the best thing she's made so far. Zac's cake is creative, and the flavors work surprisingly well together. The flaming dessert works well, too. Missing footage of a Celine Dion lookalike chomping down in the background. You don't forget shit like that. Seriously, how much did they cut out of this episode?
Yigit/Danielle/Erika. Their showpiece is a sculpture made of towering circles with the centers cut out, overlaid with chocolate discs. It's pretty. Danielle has made a chocolate mousse cake, with basil ice cream, and chocolate shards. Yigit has made a creme fraiche and sweet lime Bavarian, with a Tonka bean and sweet lime sorbet. Erika has made an almond ice cream bar, with roasted pineapple on top. The flaming dessert is an almond citrus mirliton that has been flambeed with bourbon. The team idiotically decided to flambe all of their desserts before the judges arrived at the table, so they've got no actual fire to show off. Tasting. The showpiece shows a good translation from their inspiration. Danielle's cake is too dense, and the ice cream could use more basil. Erika's dessert is served at the perfect temperature, and the pineapple gives off good acidity. Yigit's dessert is totally girly, which the judges mean as a compliment. The fact that the flaming dessert was ablaze for everyone but the judges (and us) is disappointing.
As service winds down, Morgan notices that Heatherh has slipped into a moody funk for seemingly no reason. Heatherc is similarly blue. She interviews that she feels like Zac is just waiting to savage her at Judges' Table, and that she's squandering her second chance.
Limecrete: "She is totally going home."
LabRat: "Yeah. You can't have two Heathers."
Limecrete: "You can in the movie Heathers."
Interstitial. Eric is zen. The other chefs find it refreshing, because really, have you seen the other chefs?
Fret 'n sweat. Heatherc tells Zac and Eric that she doesn't know if she can handle another Judges' Table. What, may I ask, did she think coming back to the competition would entail? She strikes me as a perfectly nice woman, but she just doesn't seem to get it. "It" meaning "anything". Gail enters, and summons the Morgan/Heatherh/Eric team to Judges' Table. Once they're gone, Yigit sneers "We put so much more work into our showpiece, I'm sorry. It's bullshit. That's all I have to say." I've got it! I know why he keeps rubbing me the wrong way. The snide tone, the condescension, the rampant sense of entitlement... Yigit is Gretchen Weiners. Happily, he won't be making "fetch" happen tonight, because Morgan, Heatherh, and Eric have won the day. Yay!
Morgan's dessert was the best he's made so far. It was delicious and stunning. Heatherh's textures were spot-on, and her showpiece worked well with the theme of the evening. Eric is becoming more comfortable creating multi-layered desserts, and presented a lovely roulade. Gale gets to announce tonight's individual winner, and it is... Morgan. No longer can I wax intellectual about the rarity of people sweeping both challenges in an episode, because it seems to happen more and more these days. Heatherh sucks a lemon. Morgan is pleased to win, but realizes he'd better enjoy the thrill of victory while it lasts.
Curiously, his win is not applauded back in the Kitchen. There isn't really time to dwell on it, though, because Heatherh immediately snipes "You're WELCOME, Morgan," passive-aggressively, even though he hasn't even had time to really say anything. Then she shit-talks him with Yigit, saying that Morgan had time to concentrate on his plate, but Heatherh didn't get enough credit for single-handedly tackling the showpiece plus doing a plated dessert of her own. And perhaps that's true, but I have limited sympathy for people who whine at Winners' Table. You're one step closer to the grand prize. Morgan didn't get anything for winning the challenge. Practically, you've done as well as you can do, save a temporary sense of fleeting glory. Plus, it's not like Morgan took undeserved credit for anything. If she's going to bitch about somebody, it should be the judges. I could understand if she went into interview and said "I think I deserved the win, based on how much work I put into the set of desserts that ultimately put us on top," but to sit in the Kitchen and bitch at Morgan just comes off as sour grapes. I like Heatherh, but gracious, she is not.
Gail comes back to the Kitchen, and says that because there were hits and misses on both other teams, the judges would like to speak to everyone else. Oh, so they'd like to ignore team structure so that they can eliminate anyone they'd like. Thanks a lot, past precedent. The judges want to start with Yigit/Danielle/Erika. Why they even needed to speak with this team separately is a mystery, because all they want to mention is the fact that the flaming dessert wasn't lit in front of the judges. That's literally it. Riveting! The team goes back to the Kitchen so that Zac/Malika/Heatherc can come out for their drubbing. Zac's banana bread gets almost unanimously positive feedback. Gael says that it looked a little punched out, but it's a minor quibble. Malika gets similar praise. Everyone loved her panna cotta. But!
Before the judges can move on to what seems like Heatherc's certain doom, Malika intercedes, and asks the judges to eliminate her. This season is so fucking crazy. This contestant's too crazy to compete! This one got eliminated, came back, and can barely function anymore! This one wants to quit! The desserts are almost tangential at this point. Gail asks Malika if she sure that's what she wants, given that everyone loved her plate. Malika is certain that she wants to leave, rather than watching anyone whose heart is set on winning cut in her place. Gail sighs, and tells her that in that case, she can go back to the Kitchen and pack up her tools.
In her final interview, Malika says that she loves cooking, but has learned along the way that when she's in a competitive environment, she downright hates it. I can understand. I love cooking, too. It's fun, soothing, and is useful in terms of health and saving money. But if someone came along and told me to cook on a strict time limit with crazy competitors screaming in my face and demoralizing judging sessions, I'd high-tail it out of there, too. Back in the Kitchen, she tells the other chefs that she didn't think it was fair for her to continue without really wanting it. Good on her. I know I should be all "What did she think this was going to be like?" but we clearly have our answer, which is "Something else". I've got nothing but respect for her.
Overall Grade: B
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Importance of Being Kenny
Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 4
Previously on Top Chef: Ed didn't think much of Alex. Actually, Ed didn't think much of anything that isn't Ed. Kevin's dish was not popular with the judges. Arnold got to whine, then win.
LabRat: "I'll bet he's in the bottom this week."
Tiffany: "I'll bet he's a bottom every week."
Tracey's burger managed to offend an entire country, and she was sent packing. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. The viewing party gardens contributed more in the form of dips and salsas. LabRat and I had a bunch of overripe bananas that I was able to turn into a tasty loaf of banana bread after much research and experimentation. And, the viewing party got a welcome addition this week in the form of Virginia, all the way in from Melbourne. She and LabRat hoovered up most of the wine, but for the bit that's left over... Rule #4: Take a drink whenever someone blithely tempts Fate.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Arnold is pleased as punch with his win, and is forced to reconsider his longstanding enmity with grills. Andrea is bummed that her pal Tracey got eliminated, but tries to focus on the challenges ahead. Like many before her, she's tired of riding the middle ground, and wants to win for a change. Of course, we've seen plenty of chefs complain about being in the middle of the pack, only to get eliminated ten minutes later, so I'd be curious to hear about their opinions on being in the safe-but-unremarkable group now. Tim is ready to claw his way out of the bottom.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Ptom. Padma is wearing a tank top that appears to have been made by placing an armadillo on a plain top, and then running it over with a literal tank. Baby toys are strewn on the counters. Kelly interviews that since there's no guest judge, she's not sure what to expect. Gee, thanks for that incredibly important news. Padma explains that the Quickfire is of a personal sort this week. Both she and Ptom have young children at home, so the challenge will be to make an adult dish to tempt the judges, and a pureed version of the same dish as baby food. Clever! A jangled Lynne tells us that she's had no experience feeding babies, and is nervous as hell. Given that the chefs might not give their all when it comes to a jar of mush, Padma informs them that this is a high stakes challenge. Both she and Ptom will pick a winner, and though nobody will get immunity, both winners will score $10,000. That perks everyone right up. Arnold says he'd put the money towards helping HIV-infected orphans. God, he's so selfish. Alex doesn't quite have the same global perspective, joking that he'd spend it on hookers and blow. Now there was an interesting juxtaposition of interview quotes. The chefs are given 45 minutes, and the countdown begins.
Prep time has barely begun before Alex makes another sex joke. Methinks someone is a little hard up right now. No pun intended. Kevin has a personal connection to the challenge, as he's already got a kid, not to mention a pregnant wife at home. Adorable pictures of both are shown. He figures he's got the win sewn up. I'm not really seeing the connection between impregnating women and being able to make good baby food, but whatever makes him happy, I guess. Tamesha wants to make a fairly plain dish, so as not to overwhelm the hypothetical baby. She's going about it in a much more thoughtful way than others, who are throwing all sorts of pepper and other spices into their food.
Kelly wants to prove that one doesn't have to have kids to win the challenge. Kenny talks about how his first wife passed away in a car accident, so he was the sole caregiver for his infant daughter. Aw, that's a shame. The accident, that is. Not the parenting. Stephen disapproves of Kenny's apple chunks, saying that it's a good way to choke a baby. Because it's not like Kenny's going to PUREE anything for the PUREE challenge. It's a good thing Stephen is on this show, and not, say, Jeopardy! Lynne joins Andrea in the I-Hate-The-Middle-Of-The-Pack Club, but admits that she's totally winging it right now. Angelo wants to do something challenging and layered. Time winds down. Food is plated. Tiny jars are filled. Time runs out. Kevin is not even close to being done. But he's got a kid, plus one on the way! How could this have happened?!? Padma and Ptom go down the line.
Kenny's dish has grilled, curried chicken breast, a mango salad with shaved carrots, and a confit of butternut squash and maitake mushrooms. I'm not too sure I'd want my baby ingesting curry. That's literally a recipe for disaster. Tim has sauteed lamb, with a mushroom ragout that includes shallots and ginger. Kevin has attempted to make pan-seared duck with baby carrots. The plating isn't the only thing that didn't get done. The duck is severely undercooked, bleeding all over the plate. Kelly has roasted pork loin with grilled peaches and ginger. The lemon juice that she's squeezed into the dish was probably a poor choice, as Padma spits a lemon seed out into her baby spoon. Oof. When Kelly mentioned not having kids before, I assumed it was because she just hadn't had any, not because she's choked them all to death. Lynne has chicken breast with some sweet potato, and a compote of fruit and bell peppers. She tells the judges that she's never tasted baby food before, because all of her kids have four legs. Aaaah, they're hideous genetic mutants!
Angelo has poached tuna in olive oil, and serves it with fenugreek broth, tomatoes, soy sauce, and honey. As promised, he's layered the ingredients in his baby food jar. Alex has seared duck with spinach, basil, dill couscous, and black trumpet mushroom. Tamesha has grilled salmon, with a vegetable chowder in lobster stock, some Thai basil, and licorice oil. It looks like the salmon was not included in the puree, which makes sense. Ptom asks her how she made the oil, and she says she took licorice powder and let it steep in grape seed oil. Impressive.
Results. Ptom's bottom two are Timothy (overcooked lamb) and Alex (watery, overly dill-flavored puree). Padma goes for a more practical bottom two in Kevin (undercooked meat) and Kelly (bland meat - but really the lemon seed). In better news, Ptom really liked Lynne's flavors and how she translated it into baby food. She's gobsmacked. Ptom also enjoyed Tamesha's chunky-style baby food and the licorice oil. Padma has consulted with the producers, and selects Angelo and Kenny as her top picks. Okay, that's not fair; I'm sure they tasted great. Sorry. I'll try to withhold my cranky conspiracy theories until they're actually warranted. Say, in half an hour or so? Padma says that she enjoyed Angelo's use of fenugreek, and the elegant presentation of his baby food. Kenny's use of bulgur wheat was flavorful, but not too spicy. Of these top four, Ptom selects Tamesha as his big winner, and Padma picks Kenny for hers. Kenny basks, while Tamesha gives us the hilarious "Holy shitballs!" quote we've been promised since the first episode.
Elimination Challenge. During the graphic, a guest judge has appeared out of thin air. Her name is Beth Scott, she works for the Hilton chain, and hot pink is not her color. Padma explains that the hotel is on the lookout for menu items that are sophisticated, healthy, and easily made and replicated by hotel chefs. The challenge will be to create a breakfast, lunch, and dinner dish that fits those restrictions. The winning dish will actually go onto the menu, much good it does the chefs. The hitch comes in the way the challenge is structured. The chefs will choose partners, and after the first two courses, the best two teams will be excused both from cooking further courses, and from elimination. The remaining three teams will cook dinner, and at the end, both members of a single team are getting eliminated. Also clever! I really like the challenges this week. There is one little wrinkle, but since I didn't notice it until Judges' Table, let's save it for later. When Padma gives the go-ahead, the chefs hurry to secure themselves good partners. Not everyone is thrilled with the person they end up with. Take a look at this list and see if you can guess who winds up grumpy:
Tim/Tiffany
Ed/Alex
Kenny/Kevin
Arnold/Lynne
Amanda/Stephen
Angelo/Tamesha
Andrea/Kelly
If you guessed Ed and Amanda, go to the head of the class! Amanda thinks nobody else wants to partner with her because they underestimate her as a chef. It doesn't seem to occur to her that nobody wants to partner with her because she's a pain in the ass. In other news, WhiteTim and WhiteTiffany are delighted that BlackTim and BlackTiffany have partnered up, and the entire viewing party decides that we really need to be rooting for them. BlackTiffany is not as thrilled as we are, given that BlackTim's been sinking to the bottom of challenges quite a bit lately. She steps up as the team leader, vowing that if she goes home, it'll be for her own mistake, not someone else's. The chefs head off to Whole Foods to shop with a $200 budget. As an instructor, Lynne is generally the boss in real life, and she says she'll do her best not to be overbearing in a team challenge. Arnold has had success with Lynne in the past, and is looking forward to creating a full-blown winning streak. Kenny is cocky. Ed is smarmy. So, you know... No news, there.
Back at the Kitchen, the chefs meet the large panel of judges that will be eating their dishes. In addition to Ptom, Padma, Eric, Beth, and some random lady named Nora, we have some faces from the past. There's Bryan, which makes total sense, given that the judges loved his food and he got second place. There's Mike, whose personality nobody enjoyed, but who was able to successfully incorporate several types of cuisine into several types of challenges. And, there's Spike, who spent the entire show thinking up ways to trip up his competitors, to the point that he ignored his food, which sent him to Losers' Table more than any other contestant. Can you spot who doesn't belong? The chefs get started on their breakfast dishes, which they've got thirty minutes to cook. Tim puts his trust in Tiffany, who's assured him that their breakfast will be terrific. Tiffany hopes she won't go down in flames, especially since she'd be dragging him with her.
WhiteTiffany: "See? Just like us."
Early interstitial this week! Angelo flirts with Tamesha. Tamesha totally blows him off. Heh.
Ed and Alex have an overly complicated breakfast. Gee, I wonder who's to blame for that? When time runs out, their plates are missing the Hollandaise sauce (and in one case, the potato pancake). Alex is super-pissed. The dish was supposed to be a potato cake with prosciutto, an egg, a lemon pancake, and a Bellini cocktail. What we've got is plates with assorted pancakes and an undercooked egg on top. Well, let's look at the bright side. Maybe this will give Ed some pause before he smarms about how awful someone else is. Angelo and Tamesha serve an egg with chopped bacon in a Cheddar broth, and a large slice of toast on the side. Mike and Bryan note a problem with the egg's doneness that chefs got nailed on last season. Arnold and Lynne have a Spanish tortilla with chorizo and bacon, fried potatoes, and an olive-pear salad. So, fried eggs with fried potatoes and two kinds of pork. I hope Hilton will serve a triple bypass with that breakfast. The judges like the flavor, but Ptom finds the texture odd.
Kenny and Kevin serve a soft-poached egg on an herb brioche with prosciutto, heirloom tomato, manchego cheese, and a Spanish olive tapenade. It's an extremely busy dish. Mike and Spike find it too soft, while Ptom agrees with me that there's just too much going on. Amanda and Stephen have a poached egg on pancetta, a potato rosti, and a grape ragout with shallots and Hollandaise sauce. Well, I'm not the president of either the Amanda or the Stephen Fan Club, but that looks good. The judges like the bacon flavor that spreads throughout, but Padma nitpicks a couple of the details. Andrea and Kelly have a bacon/cheddar/whole wheat waffle with a poached egg and chili salsa, and a mango/lime/mint yogurt smoothie on the side. The judges find the egg bland, the waffle dense, and the drink too sweet. Tim and Tiffany serve a crab cake Benedict (Louisiana-style), with asparagus and a bacon potato hash in Hollandaise. Man, does it look good. The judges love the crab cake, to the point that they consider the hash wholly unnecessary. Results. Padma informs the chefs that Amanda/Stephen and Tim/Tiffany had the judges' favorite breakfasts, and are safe from elimination. Hugs are exchanged.
The rest of the chefs have 45 minutes to get lunch ready. The countdown begins. Kelly is peeved, because with every course that she's asked to cook, she's getting closer to elimination. Well, yeah. That is, in effect, the challenge. What the hell is up with Kelly as the voice of unnecessary exposition tonight? Is she in a Greek chorus in her spare time? Kenny is still cocky. Angelo is pissy. Lynne takes lead on this course, and Arnold worries that it may be too quirky for standard hotel fare. Alex pushes scallops for lunch, saying that he cooks the shit out of them every time. One would hope. Time runs out.
Ed and Alex serve their pan-roasted scallops with a ricotta gnudi (which is very fun to say), and a broccoli rabe. The judges like it very much overall, though Bryan has some suggestions on how to improve the texture. Angelo and Tamesha have a beef carpaccio, with a jicama/Asian pear salad topped with a mint/cilantro/kimchi vinaigrette. No hotel visitor would ever order this for lunch. It's barely an appetizer, and if you were traveling on business, would you be anxious to ingest a bunch of kimchi, then rush off to meet clients or give a presentation? The judges give it so-so reviews. Ptom thinks that if you rolled the whole thing up in a spring roll wrapper, it would work better. Lynne and Arnold's take on tuna salad is tuna cannelloni with Forbidden rice salad and tomato vinaigrette, with a Parmesan cracker. The judges like the flavor, but say that the dish would be difficult for hotel chefs to execute well. Kenny and Kevin have turned hummus into a pasta dish. There's a chickpea pappardelle pasta with grilled chicken, snap peas, lemon zest, and a tahini sauce. Mike likes the flavor profile, but everyone else thinks the chicken is lost in all the other components. Andrea and Kelly have crispy-skin red snapper and panzanella salad with a mustard vinaigrette. Ptom is shocked and angry with their claim that they didn't have the time or budget to cook a bag of beans.
Results. The two teams with the best lunches are Angelo/Tamesha and Alex/Ed. Really? Angelo and Tamesha? That seems weird. Arnold and Lynne's lunch seemed to fit the challenge parameters so much better. Angelo hopes Kenny will get eliminated. Yeah, don't hold your breath, chief.
Virginia: "He's a nasty piece of work. He's a nasty pasty."
So, on to dinner! The chefs get one hour to put their dishes together. Andrea tells Kelly that their dish has to be "thick, but not too thick; we're going to mount it with butter." Whoa, sparky! Save it until you get back to the apartment! Kenny is STILL cocky. I guess he can afford to be, since it's not like he's going anywhere. Sorry, sorry! I swear, no more cranky conspiracy theories. Well, until Judges' Table, anyway. Arnold whines that Lynne is whiny. Now there's some self-awareness. Of course, there is no tape of Lynne actually being whiny, so I'm forced to work off experience here, which is that Arnold is full of it. Andrea is a bit anxious, because her team and Kenny/Kevin are both making short ribs.
More oven drama. I swear, this is like the sewing machines on Project Runway. Kenny and Kevin have turned down an oven that Lynne was preheating for focaccia. So, Lynne pulls their food out and doesn't tell them. Oh, wait. No she doesn't, because that would be cheating. She gets as peeved as Lynne ever gets. That is to say, she mutters a little bit. Yeah, you'll forgive me if I don't buy Arnold's story that she's rampaging around the Kitchen throwing tantrums. He and Lynne bicker a bit over when to put the pasta in the pot. Her concern is that fresh pasta will overcook very quickly. His concern is that if they don't get it in, they won't be able to put the entire dish together until it's too late. Both valid points. Kenny and Kevin hysterically taste their sauce every forty seconds to make sure it's okay. Arnold whines some more. It sure is attractive. Time runs out.
Kenny and Kevin serve their braised beef short rib with squash, a potato/carrot confit, and horseradish tempura. Beth asks how this relates to hotel guests, and Kevin says that comfortable, familiar things like beef, carrots, and potatoes are what he'd want when he's traveling. Not a bad answer. Still, the judges have some complaints. They liked the dish for the most part, but felt that there wasn't enough horseradish flavor, nor enough sauce. Andrea and Kelly also serve a braised beef short rib, this one with chevre polenta, roasted mushrooms, pearl onions, and a citrus gremolata with crispy shallots on top. The judges really like the rib, and though Mike finds the polenta a bit stiff, nobody else seems to have a problem with it. Lynne and Arnold have pineapple red curry mussels, with squid ink pasta and focaccia bread on the side. The judges find the pasta undercooked, but the sauce flavorful. Padma thanks all the guest judges, and the chefs go straight into their fret 'n sweat. It's funny how they always try to talk themselves up to the others, probably rehearsing for the moment that they may have to defend themselves and their food. Padma comes in, and summons the dinner teams to the dining room.
Judges' Table. For some reason, Nora is seated as guest judge instead of Beth. It doesn't make much sense, but since we're about to get into the truly senseless, it hardly registers. She gets to announce the challenge winner, which turns out to be... Andrea and Kelly. They both win destination vacations; Andrea's going to Spain, while Kelly's going to Italy. Nice prize! But it's here that I notice that challenge wrinkle I alluded to earlier. Andrea and Kelly got out-and-out beat by four other teams, but here they are, taking home a fairly significant prize. Why do they win, and not, say, Tim and Tiffany? I've read people opining that maybe the short rib was better than all of the breakfast and lunch dishes that beat Andrea and Kelly at the time, but if that's the case, what's the incentive for trying to cook a good breakfast or lunch? Were the chefs supposed to pick what was more important to them: Winning or immunity? That seems an odd way to find the best of the bunch. In any case, they're the winners, and since I have such a big soft spot for Andrea, it's fine with me.
Now that we're down to the two losing teams, and one of them includes Kenny, there's hardly any point to even going over any critiques in great detail. I suppose I should hit the highlights (or the lowlights, rather), just for the sake of completion. Lynne guesses that their pasta was undercooked, which is weird, since she was all up in arms about it being overcooked. I can't tell if this is her way of trying to blame Arnold, but I'll bet you can guess how Arnold views it. He argues that the pasta was fine. There's some further blah about presentation. Kenny and Kevin's short rib didn't have the glaze that Andrea and Kelly's did, and the horseradish flavor didn't come through. They make a half-hearted attempt to defend their techniques. Interestingly, when asked why their dishes should keep them in the competition, Kevin stresses comfort and familiarity, while Arnold stresses creativity and panache. Padma dismisses the chefs.
Fake deliberations. Ptom says that this challenge is the only thing affecting their decision tonight. Sure. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! Ptom appreciates that Lynne and Arnold took a risk, but Padma argues that mussels and squid ink pasta is a hard sell on a hotel menu. Let's ask Beth! Oh, we can't, because we've got this other woman on the judging panel for no reason. If the pasta had been cooked more, it would have soaked up more of the admittedly wonderful sauce. Kevin and Kenny should have had more of a glaze, and their horseradish was a problem.
Real deliberations (unseen). Padma: "Well, Kenny screwed the pooch again, but we can't eliminate him, because then we won't have that awesome final showdown between him and Angelo." Ptom: "So, is everyone good with cutting Lynne and Arnold?" Eric: "Yep." Nora: "Can I get my check now?"
Back in the Kitchen, Kenny is unbelievably STILL COCKY. One wonders how many courses he has to lose before he buys a clue. Kevin and Amanda get into a dustup over whether a chef should dictate to the guests how a dish is supposed to be eaten. It's an interesting debate, and I wish more time had been devoted to that question, rather than the completely fabricated Alpha Dog Rivalry that the show has invented out of whole cloth.
Elimination. The buildup is unnecessary. As ordained, Lynne and Arnold, please pack your knives and go. Then find Jacqueline and help her construct her little voodoo doll of Kenny to stick pins into. Final interviews. Arnold says he stayed true to what he does. I can't argue with that, and wish that he'd left a more favorable impression on me than "The Whiny One". Lynne is sad, because she wanted to prove to herself that she's still the "old beast" that she used to be. Arnold makes sure to get in a final whine about being thrown under the bus. DRINK! Lynne is bummed, but is ready to get back to real life cooking. Oh, I'm sorry. Arnold has just enough time to get in yet one more whine about how other people's decisions about his food is "on them". It sure is. Now go.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on Top Chef: Ed didn't think much of Alex. Actually, Ed didn't think much of anything that isn't Ed. Kevin's dish was not popular with the judges. Arnold got to whine, then win.
LabRat: "I'll bet he's in the bottom this week."
Tiffany: "I'll bet he's a bottom every week."
Tracey's burger managed to offend an entire country, and she was sent packing. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. The viewing party gardens contributed more in the form of dips and salsas. LabRat and I had a bunch of overripe bananas that I was able to turn into a tasty loaf of banana bread after much research and experimentation. And, the viewing party got a welcome addition this week in the form of Virginia, all the way in from Melbourne. She and LabRat hoovered up most of the wine, but for the bit that's left over... Rule #4: Take a drink whenever someone blithely tempts Fate.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Arnold is pleased as punch with his win, and is forced to reconsider his longstanding enmity with grills. Andrea is bummed that her pal Tracey got eliminated, but tries to focus on the challenges ahead. Like many before her, she's tired of riding the middle ground, and wants to win for a change. Of course, we've seen plenty of chefs complain about being in the middle of the pack, only to get eliminated ten minutes later, so I'd be curious to hear about their opinions on being in the safe-but-unremarkable group now. Tim is ready to claw his way out of the bottom.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Ptom. Padma is wearing a tank top that appears to have been made by placing an armadillo on a plain top, and then running it over with a literal tank. Baby toys are strewn on the counters. Kelly interviews that since there's no guest judge, she's not sure what to expect. Gee, thanks for that incredibly important news. Padma explains that the Quickfire is of a personal sort this week. Both she and Ptom have young children at home, so the challenge will be to make an adult dish to tempt the judges, and a pureed version of the same dish as baby food. Clever! A jangled Lynne tells us that she's had no experience feeding babies, and is nervous as hell. Given that the chefs might not give their all when it comes to a jar of mush, Padma informs them that this is a high stakes challenge. Both she and Ptom will pick a winner, and though nobody will get immunity, both winners will score $10,000. That perks everyone right up. Arnold says he'd put the money towards helping HIV-infected orphans. God, he's so selfish. Alex doesn't quite have the same global perspective, joking that he'd spend it on hookers and blow. Now there was an interesting juxtaposition of interview quotes. The chefs are given 45 minutes, and the countdown begins.
Prep time has barely begun before Alex makes another sex joke. Methinks someone is a little hard up right now. No pun intended. Kevin has a personal connection to the challenge, as he's already got a kid, not to mention a pregnant wife at home. Adorable pictures of both are shown. He figures he's got the win sewn up. I'm not really seeing the connection between impregnating women and being able to make good baby food, but whatever makes him happy, I guess. Tamesha wants to make a fairly plain dish, so as not to overwhelm the hypothetical baby. She's going about it in a much more thoughtful way than others, who are throwing all sorts of pepper and other spices into their food.
Kelly wants to prove that one doesn't have to have kids to win the challenge. Kenny talks about how his first wife passed away in a car accident, so he was the sole caregiver for his infant daughter. Aw, that's a shame. The accident, that is. Not the parenting. Stephen disapproves of Kenny's apple chunks, saying that it's a good way to choke a baby. Because it's not like Kenny's going to PUREE anything for the PUREE challenge. It's a good thing Stephen is on this show, and not, say, Jeopardy! Lynne joins Andrea in the I-Hate-The-Middle-Of-The-Pack Club, but admits that she's totally winging it right now. Angelo wants to do something challenging and layered. Time winds down. Food is plated. Tiny jars are filled. Time runs out. Kevin is not even close to being done. But he's got a kid, plus one on the way! How could this have happened?!? Padma and Ptom go down the line.
Kenny's dish has grilled, curried chicken breast, a mango salad with shaved carrots, and a confit of butternut squash and maitake mushrooms. I'm not too sure I'd want my baby ingesting curry. That's literally a recipe for disaster. Tim has sauteed lamb, with a mushroom ragout that includes shallots and ginger. Kevin has attempted to make pan-seared duck with baby carrots. The plating isn't the only thing that didn't get done. The duck is severely undercooked, bleeding all over the plate. Kelly has roasted pork loin with grilled peaches and ginger. The lemon juice that she's squeezed into the dish was probably a poor choice, as Padma spits a lemon seed out into her baby spoon. Oof. When Kelly mentioned not having kids before, I assumed it was because she just hadn't had any, not because she's choked them all to death. Lynne has chicken breast with some sweet potato, and a compote of fruit and bell peppers. She tells the judges that she's never tasted baby food before, because all of her kids have four legs. Aaaah, they're hideous genetic mutants!
Angelo has poached tuna in olive oil, and serves it with fenugreek broth, tomatoes, soy sauce, and honey. As promised, he's layered the ingredients in his baby food jar. Alex has seared duck with spinach, basil, dill couscous, and black trumpet mushroom. Tamesha has grilled salmon, with a vegetable chowder in lobster stock, some Thai basil, and licorice oil. It looks like the salmon was not included in the puree, which makes sense. Ptom asks her how she made the oil, and she says she took licorice powder and let it steep in grape seed oil. Impressive.
Results. Ptom's bottom two are Timothy (overcooked lamb) and Alex (watery, overly dill-flavored puree). Padma goes for a more practical bottom two in Kevin (undercooked meat) and Kelly (bland meat - but really the lemon seed). In better news, Ptom really liked Lynne's flavors and how she translated it into baby food. She's gobsmacked. Ptom also enjoyed Tamesha's chunky-style baby food and the licorice oil. Padma has consulted with the producers, and selects Angelo and Kenny as her top picks. Okay, that's not fair; I'm sure they tasted great. Sorry. I'll try to withhold my cranky conspiracy theories until they're actually warranted. Say, in half an hour or so? Padma says that she enjoyed Angelo's use of fenugreek, and the elegant presentation of his baby food. Kenny's use of bulgur wheat was flavorful, but not too spicy. Of these top four, Ptom selects Tamesha as his big winner, and Padma picks Kenny for hers. Kenny basks, while Tamesha gives us the hilarious "Holy shitballs!" quote we've been promised since the first episode.
Elimination Challenge. During the graphic, a guest judge has appeared out of thin air. Her name is Beth Scott, she works for the Hilton chain, and hot pink is not her color. Padma explains that the hotel is on the lookout for menu items that are sophisticated, healthy, and easily made and replicated by hotel chefs. The challenge will be to create a breakfast, lunch, and dinner dish that fits those restrictions. The winning dish will actually go onto the menu, much good it does the chefs. The hitch comes in the way the challenge is structured. The chefs will choose partners, and after the first two courses, the best two teams will be excused both from cooking further courses, and from elimination. The remaining three teams will cook dinner, and at the end, both members of a single team are getting eliminated. Also clever! I really like the challenges this week. There is one little wrinkle, but since I didn't notice it until Judges' Table, let's save it for later. When Padma gives the go-ahead, the chefs hurry to secure themselves good partners. Not everyone is thrilled with the person they end up with. Take a look at this list and see if you can guess who winds up grumpy:
Tim/Tiffany
Ed/Alex
Kenny/Kevin
Arnold/Lynne
Amanda/Stephen
Angelo/Tamesha
Andrea/Kelly
If you guessed Ed and Amanda, go to the head of the class! Amanda thinks nobody else wants to partner with her because they underestimate her as a chef. It doesn't seem to occur to her that nobody wants to partner with her because she's a pain in the ass. In other news, WhiteTim and WhiteTiffany are delighted that BlackTim and BlackTiffany have partnered up, and the entire viewing party decides that we really need to be rooting for them. BlackTiffany is not as thrilled as we are, given that BlackTim's been sinking to the bottom of challenges quite a bit lately. She steps up as the team leader, vowing that if she goes home, it'll be for her own mistake, not someone else's. The chefs head off to Whole Foods to shop with a $200 budget. As an instructor, Lynne is generally the boss in real life, and she says she'll do her best not to be overbearing in a team challenge. Arnold has had success with Lynne in the past, and is looking forward to creating a full-blown winning streak. Kenny is cocky. Ed is smarmy. So, you know... No news, there.
Back at the Kitchen, the chefs meet the large panel of judges that will be eating their dishes. In addition to Ptom, Padma, Eric, Beth, and some random lady named Nora, we have some faces from the past. There's Bryan, which makes total sense, given that the judges loved his food and he got second place. There's Mike, whose personality nobody enjoyed, but who was able to successfully incorporate several types of cuisine into several types of challenges. And, there's Spike, who spent the entire show thinking up ways to trip up his competitors, to the point that he ignored his food, which sent him to Losers' Table more than any other contestant. Can you spot who doesn't belong? The chefs get started on their breakfast dishes, which they've got thirty minutes to cook. Tim puts his trust in Tiffany, who's assured him that their breakfast will be terrific. Tiffany hopes she won't go down in flames, especially since she'd be dragging him with her.
WhiteTiffany: "See? Just like us."
Early interstitial this week! Angelo flirts with Tamesha. Tamesha totally blows him off. Heh.
Ed and Alex have an overly complicated breakfast. Gee, I wonder who's to blame for that? When time runs out, their plates are missing the Hollandaise sauce (and in one case, the potato pancake). Alex is super-pissed. The dish was supposed to be a potato cake with prosciutto, an egg, a lemon pancake, and a Bellini cocktail. What we've got is plates with assorted pancakes and an undercooked egg on top. Well, let's look at the bright side. Maybe this will give Ed some pause before he smarms about how awful someone else is. Angelo and Tamesha serve an egg with chopped bacon in a Cheddar broth, and a large slice of toast on the side. Mike and Bryan note a problem with the egg's doneness that chefs got nailed on last season. Arnold and Lynne have a Spanish tortilla with chorizo and bacon, fried potatoes, and an olive-pear salad. So, fried eggs with fried potatoes and two kinds of pork. I hope Hilton will serve a triple bypass with that breakfast. The judges like the flavor, but Ptom finds the texture odd.
Kenny and Kevin serve a soft-poached egg on an herb brioche with prosciutto, heirloom tomato, manchego cheese, and a Spanish olive tapenade. It's an extremely busy dish. Mike and Spike find it too soft, while Ptom agrees with me that there's just too much going on. Amanda and Stephen have a poached egg on pancetta, a potato rosti, and a grape ragout with shallots and Hollandaise sauce. Well, I'm not the president of either the Amanda or the Stephen Fan Club, but that looks good. The judges like the bacon flavor that spreads throughout, but Padma nitpicks a couple of the details. Andrea and Kelly have a bacon/cheddar/whole wheat waffle with a poached egg and chili salsa, and a mango/lime/mint yogurt smoothie on the side. The judges find the egg bland, the waffle dense, and the drink too sweet. Tim and Tiffany serve a crab cake Benedict (Louisiana-style), with asparagus and a bacon potato hash in Hollandaise. Man, does it look good. The judges love the crab cake, to the point that they consider the hash wholly unnecessary. Results. Padma informs the chefs that Amanda/Stephen and Tim/Tiffany had the judges' favorite breakfasts, and are safe from elimination. Hugs are exchanged.
The rest of the chefs have 45 minutes to get lunch ready. The countdown begins. Kelly is peeved, because with every course that she's asked to cook, she's getting closer to elimination. Well, yeah. That is, in effect, the challenge. What the hell is up with Kelly as the voice of unnecessary exposition tonight? Is she in a Greek chorus in her spare time? Kenny is still cocky. Angelo is pissy. Lynne takes lead on this course, and Arnold worries that it may be too quirky for standard hotel fare. Alex pushes scallops for lunch, saying that he cooks the shit out of them every time. One would hope. Time runs out.
Ed and Alex serve their pan-roasted scallops with a ricotta gnudi (which is very fun to say), and a broccoli rabe. The judges like it very much overall, though Bryan has some suggestions on how to improve the texture. Angelo and Tamesha have a beef carpaccio, with a jicama/Asian pear salad topped with a mint/cilantro/kimchi vinaigrette. No hotel visitor would ever order this for lunch. It's barely an appetizer, and if you were traveling on business, would you be anxious to ingest a bunch of kimchi, then rush off to meet clients or give a presentation? The judges give it so-so reviews. Ptom thinks that if you rolled the whole thing up in a spring roll wrapper, it would work better. Lynne and Arnold's take on tuna salad is tuna cannelloni with Forbidden rice salad and tomato vinaigrette, with a Parmesan cracker. The judges like the flavor, but say that the dish would be difficult for hotel chefs to execute well. Kenny and Kevin have turned hummus into a pasta dish. There's a chickpea pappardelle pasta with grilled chicken, snap peas, lemon zest, and a tahini sauce. Mike likes the flavor profile, but everyone else thinks the chicken is lost in all the other components. Andrea and Kelly have crispy-skin red snapper and panzanella salad with a mustard vinaigrette. Ptom is shocked and angry with their claim that they didn't have the time or budget to cook a bag of beans.
Results. The two teams with the best lunches are Angelo/Tamesha and Alex/Ed. Really? Angelo and Tamesha? That seems weird. Arnold and Lynne's lunch seemed to fit the challenge parameters so much better. Angelo hopes Kenny will get eliminated. Yeah, don't hold your breath, chief.
Virginia: "He's a nasty piece of work. He's a nasty pasty."
So, on to dinner! The chefs get one hour to put their dishes together. Andrea tells Kelly that their dish has to be "thick, but not too thick; we're going to mount it with butter." Whoa, sparky! Save it until you get back to the apartment! Kenny is STILL cocky. I guess he can afford to be, since it's not like he's going anywhere. Sorry, sorry! I swear, no more cranky conspiracy theories. Well, until Judges' Table, anyway. Arnold whines that Lynne is whiny. Now there's some self-awareness. Of course, there is no tape of Lynne actually being whiny, so I'm forced to work off experience here, which is that Arnold is full of it. Andrea is a bit anxious, because her team and Kenny/Kevin are both making short ribs.
More oven drama. I swear, this is like the sewing machines on Project Runway. Kenny and Kevin have turned down an oven that Lynne was preheating for focaccia. So, Lynne pulls their food out and doesn't tell them. Oh, wait. No she doesn't, because that would be cheating. She gets as peeved as Lynne ever gets. That is to say, she mutters a little bit. Yeah, you'll forgive me if I don't buy Arnold's story that she's rampaging around the Kitchen throwing tantrums. He and Lynne bicker a bit over when to put the pasta in the pot. Her concern is that fresh pasta will overcook very quickly. His concern is that if they don't get it in, they won't be able to put the entire dish together until it's too late. Both valid points. Kenny and Kevin hysterically taste their sauce every forty seconds to make sure it's okay. Arnold whines some more. It sure is attractive. Time runs out.
Kenny and Kevin serve their braised beef short rib with squash, a potato/carrot confit, and horseradish tempura. Beth asks how this relates to hotel guests, and Kevin says that comfortable, familiar things like beef, carrots, and potatoes are what he'd want when he's traveling. Not a bad answer. Still, the judges have some complaints. They liked the dish for the most part, but felt that there wasn't enough horseradish flavor, nor enough sauce. Andrea and Kelly also serve a braised beef short rib, this one with chevre polenta, roasted mushrooms, pearl onions, and a citrus gremolata with crispy shallots on top. The judges really like the rib, and though Mike finds the polenta a bit stiff, nobody else seems to have a problem with it. Lynne and Arnold have pineapple red curry mussels, with squid ink pasta and focaccia bread on the side. The judges find the pasta undercooked, but the sauce flavorful. Padma thanks all the guest judges, and the chefs go straight into their fret 'n sweat. It's funny how they always try to talk themselves up to the others, probably rehearsing for the moment that they may have to defend themselves and their food. Padma comes in, and summons the dinner teams to the dining room.
Judges' Table. For some reason, Nora is seated as guest judge instead of Beth. It doesn't make much sense, but since we're about to get into the truly senseless, it hardly registers. She gets to announce the challenge winner, which turns out to be... Andrea and Kelly. They both win destination vacations; Andrea's going to Spain, while Kelly's going to Italy. Nice prize! But it's here that I notice that challenge wrinkle I alluded to earlier. Andrea and Kelly got out-and-out beat by four other teams, but here they are, taking home a fairly significant prize. Why do they win, and not, say, Tim and Tiffany? I've read people opining that maybe the short rib was better than all of the breakfast and lunch dishes that beat Andrea and Kelly at the time, but if that's the case, what's the incentive for trying to cook a good breakfast or lunch? Were the chefs supposed to pick what was more important to them: Winning or immunity? That seems an odd way to find the best of the bunch. In any case, they're the winners, and since I have such a big soft spot for Andrea, it's fine with me.
Now that we're down to the two losing teams, and one of them includes Kenny, there's hardly any point to even going over any critiques in great detail. I suppose I should hit the highlights (or the lowlights, rather), just for the sake of completion. Lynne guesses that their pasta was undercooked, which is weird, since she was all up in arms about it being overcooked. I can't tell if this is her way of trying to blame Arnold, but I'll bet you can guess how Arnold views it. He argues that the pasta was fine. There's some further blah about presentation. Kenny and Kevin's short rib didn't have the glaze that Andrea and Kelly's did, and the horseradish flavor didn't come through. They make a half-hearted attempt to defend their techniques. Interestingly, when asked why their dishes should keep them in the competition, Kevin stresses comfort and familiarity, while Arnold stresses creativity and panache. Padma dismisses the chefs.
Fake deliberations. Ptom says that this challenge is the only thing affecting their decision tonight. Sure. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! Ptom appreciates that Lynne and Arnold took a risk, but Padma argues that mussels and squid ink pasta is a hard sell on a hotel menu. Let's ask Beth! Oh, we can't, because we've got this other woman on the judging panel for no reason. If the pasta had been cooked more, it would have soaked up more of the admittedly wonderful sauce. Kevin and Kenny should have had more of a glaze, and their horseradish was a problem.
Real deliberations (unseen). Padma: "Well, Kenny screwed the pooch again, but we can't eliminate him, because then we won't have that awesome final showdown between him and Angelo." Ptom: "So, is everyone good with cutting Lynne and Arnold?" Eric: "Yep." Nora: "Can I get my check now?"
Back in the Kitchen, Kenny is unbelievably STILL COCKY. One wonders how many courses he has to lose before he buys a clue. Kevin and Amanda get into a dustup over whether a chef should dictate to the guests how a dish is supposed to be eaten. It's an interesting debate, and I wish more time had been devoted to that question, rather than the completely fabricated Alpha Dog Rivalry that the show has invented out of whole cloth.
Elimination. The buildup is unnecessary. As ordained, Lynne and Arnold, please pack your knives and go. Then find Jacqueline and help her construct her little voodoo doll of Kenny to stick pins into. Final interviews. Arnold says he stayed true to what he does. I can't argue with that, and wish that he'd left a more favorable impression on me than "The Whiny One". Lynne is sad, because she wanted to prove to herself that she's still the "old beast" that she used to be. Arnold makes sure to get in a final whine about being thrown under the bus. DRINK! Lynne is bummed, but is ready to get back to real life cooking. Oh, I'm sorry. Arnold has just enough time to get in yet one more whine about how other people's decisions about his food is "on them". It sure is. Now go.
Overall Grade: C
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Franco American
Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 4
Previously on Top Chef: AMERRRRRRRRRRRRRRICA! The chefs had to work with limited ingredients and equipment. Mike tossed a salad he didn't even care about. Ew, not like that, perv. Michael won the challenge, Mike got pissed that the food he makes actually gets judged, and Preeti got eliminated for her insistence on being a perfectly nice, normal person. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. No viewing party this week, so it was just LabRat and I. That did free me up to make something that doesn't have to travel well, so we had some veggies, rice, and a terrific honey-mustard salmon that is deceptively simple.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Mike doesn't think he should have been on the bottom in the last challenge, because he's been on the top of every other challenge but one. Erm, no. Leaving aside the easily-destroyed argument that once someone is considered for a win, they must never qualify for Losers' Table, he's still wrong. He was in the top group for the first Elimination Challenge, but hasn't been there since. He rode the other men's coattails to his "win" in the bachelor/bachelorette challenge (in which the judges hated his food), and rode Michael's coattails to his "win" in the Air Force challenge (in which the judges hated his food). Nice try, though. Meanwhile, Robin frets because the first three eliminated contestants were all female, and worries that the boys are going to get swelled heads.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs go to Daniel Boulud's restaurant, where they are met by Ptom and Daniel Boulud himself, sitting in as guest judge this week. Ptom begins an introduction to French food, and how it's always been popular in the United States. Mattin is already grinning, sure he's got any French food challenge in the bag. The one French ingredient that has yet to really catch on here in the States is escargot. Jenc agrees that snail is difficult to cook well, and whoever first looked at one and thought "Yum!" must have been really fucking hungry. And how. Same goes for lobster and sea urchin. Today, the chefs' challenge is to make a dish using snail as the main protein. Daniel cautions that it must also be a new twist on escargot, so whatever is considered a "normal" snail dish is out the window. This is one of those high-stakes Quickfires, which means big news for both the winner and the loser. The winner gets immunity and another advantage that we'll get to later. The loser gets eliminated on the spot. A whole new layer of anxiety settles over the chefs. Ptom starts the forty-five minute countdown, and they all scatter.
Snail murder ensues. Mike is going for a Greek feel to his dish, because snail is a delicacy in Crete. I'm certainly not surprised that he wants to emulate a Cretan. Ba-zing! Kevin explains to us that snail doesn't taste like much of anything, so the background flavors must be boosted by other ingredients. Hector wants to marry escargot with Carribean flavors. Robin accidentally steals Ron's ingredients. She's anxious, having never worked with snail before, and fearing elimination. Over at the other end of the anxiety spectrum, Mattin doesn't have a care in the world. Jesse attempts to escape her sinkhole of despair. People plate up, and time runs out.
The chefs come out in small groups to present their dishes to Ptom and Daniel. Ron has made a French-style snail with caramelized shallots, alcohol, veggies, and some herbs. Jenc has grilled ramps, brussels sprouts, mushrooms, and yuzu with sauteed snail. Jesse has done a play on BLT called an "ELT", consisting of escargot and mache, with fried tomato as the "bread". If nothing else, it's very clever. Laurine has made lemon risotto with sauteed escargot, spinach, a parsley pesto, and some garlic butter. I have to say, I don't know how any of this tastes, but I have yet to see a dish of Laurine's that didn't at least sound really good. She and I are in sync, food-wise. Hector has paired Carribean escargot with pickled mushrooms. He and I are not in sync, food-wise. Robin has done a play off of bagels, lox, and cream cheese. Preach it, sista! I'll see you at shul for High Holidays! You know, if either of us feels like going or is at least guilted into it by our parents. Her plate includes poached escargot with marmalade, gooseberries, and rye toast.
Mattin has made fava bean toast with sauteed escargot, a regional pepper, and anise. Ew. Anise taints everything, but mix it with a pepper, and I'll bet it's even worse. Ashley has made soup and salad, and seems to have just plopped the snail into it. Kevin wanted to do a snail fricassee, and has paired it with mushrooms, brussels sprouts, and for something a little more interesting, a candied bacon jam. Intriguing. Bryan has a fermented garlic, butter-poached escargot with red wine risotto, a spinach emulsion, and some almond froth. Bryan seems like a nice guy and a competent chef, but his food sure leans towards the frou-frou. Michael has braised his snail in veal jus, and serves it with mushrooms and lasagna noodles. Mike has sauteed snail over potato garlic puree, some broth made with ouzo, and a little spring onion, lemon, and olive oil. Sounds good. That's all the dishes we see, and the chefs shuffle out nervously to hear the results.
For obvious reasons, we start with the favorites this time, instead of the bottom-dwellers. Mike's Greek preparation, Kevin's bacon jam, and Jenc's yuzu have elevated them to the top. Jeez, I have nothing against Mike being in the top for this one (his food really did look good), but if anyone gets to brag about ruling challenges, he should look over at the other two. The ultimate winner turns out to be... Kevin. He's happy with the win, and the validation it gives his down-home-flavor techniques. Now, to the bottom three. Jesse is required by law to be in the bottom group, and she's joined by Ashley and Robin. So, woman, woman, and woman. Looks like Robin's fears were well-founded. Rather than just cutting someone right away, Ptom sends the three of them back to the kitchen, giving them twenty minutes to whip together an amuse bouche to save themselves.
They cook. Time runs out. Oddly, all of them have made three plates for two judges. Who's getting that third one? Robin has made a mini avocado soup with yuzu, green apple, mustard relish, and crab. Jesse has a tuna tartare with sorrel, gooseberries, fried bread, and a fried quail egg on top. Ashley has thrown together some foie gras with pineapple, tarragon, and ramps. Foie gras with pineapple? Your ideas interest me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Robin's soup was good, but could have used more crab. Jesse's tartare could have used some spice. Ashley's foie gras needed to be cut a little thicker. Fairly minor criticisms, all.
Commercials. Go on the web to learn the winning Quickfire dish. Good idea. Let me pull out my escargot. I just need to move my liquid nitrogen tank out of the way first.
It's time for someone to go home, and to nobody's surprise, it's Jesse. It's almost the merciful thing to do at this point. She's upset and embarrassed to have been on the bottom of the heap yet again, and wants us all to know that she doesn't suck this bad when she's at home. I have no trouble believing it. Cooking skill doesn't equate to skill in marathon speed challenges with weird parameters. Ashley is relieved that she wasn't the one to go, but is using this experience to build her reputation, and being in the bottom sure doesn't help that. Jenc says that with four women in a row being eliminated, the rest of them have to step it up.
Elimination Challenge. Everyone but Kevin will draw a knife from the knife block. Six of them draw classic French sauces, and six of them draw classic French proteins. Mike is stressed, because he has no experience in French cooking. His worry is understandable, but I wish he wouldn't waggle his tongue around like that. It's fairly nasty. Ptom tells the sauce chefs and the protein chefs to pair up to create a six-course meal. Mattin is happy, because this challenge is almost tailor-made to his skills. Of course, so was the escargot challenge, and I don't remember hearing his name up in the winners' circle. I'm sure I must have just been distracted.
The chefs will be cooking for some of the biggest names in French cuisine, none of whom I've ever heard of (except for Hubert Keller, and that's because of this show). That's not a knock against them or their reputations; I'm just interested in a wide range of food styles, and tend not to concentrate on the Names within that style. I get that Americans view classic French techniques as the Holy Grail of the culinary world, but frankly, I feel Asian, Mediterranean, Latin, etc. can be just as valid and sophisticated. The contestants don't feel the same way. They're blown away by the Names they'll be serving. Michael says this may be the most important plate of food he's ever cooked. The chefs will have two hours to cook in the Kitchen, and an additional one hour of prep time on-site. As the winner of the Quickfire, Kevin is not only excused from cooking, but gets to eat with the rest of the diners. It sounds wonderful, though LabRat points out that if the ultimate goal of these chefs is to get important industry people to eat their food, Kevin's missing out on a potentially big opportunity. Oh, well. Who am I to intrude on his happiness?
Ptom gives the chefs ten minutes to pair up. I wonder why Padma's not covering this challenge. Did she have a shampoo or Hardee's commercial to film? Sorry, I'm still not over her snotty attitude from last week. I'll let it go now. Anyhow, the chefs pair up to be Michael/Jenc, Eli/Laurine, Ashley/Mattin, Hector/Ash, Mike/Bryan, and Ron/Robin. The individual proteins and sauces are all thrown at us in kind of a mouth-garbling mess, so we'll leave those alone for now. Everyone heads to the store for half an hour of shopping time with a $200 budget. Ashley suggests asparagus, which Mattin vetoes, saying it doesn't go with their sauce. He'd rather flavor the sauce with bacon. He is, after all, the French One, and must know best. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks, while Ron shops stoically. He tells us that she has a bunch of ideas that veer wildly away from classic French cooking, so he hopes his frog legs and her sauce are judged separately. Sibling rivalry interviews from Michael and Bryan. Zzzzz.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their two hours of prep time. Lobster murder ensues. There's been more death in this episode of Top Chef than your average Dexter. Michael butchers rabbits. Ashley massages Mattin's ego about how awesome French food is. He's the French One, you know. Bryan explains his method for cooking trout to Mike. Mike doesn't seem to care that much, concentrating on his bearnaise sauce. He's never made it before, and works with Bryan's guidance to make a deconstructed sauce with all of the ingredients separated. Man, in six seasons, I don't think I've ever seen a contestant indulge in this much coattail-riding. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron's brain floats away to his Happy Place. As the time winds down, everyone packs up their food for transport.
Interstitial. Mattin drunkenly celebrates his birthday in a very Europy bathing suit.
The next morning, the chefs try to work the butterflies out of their stomachs, without much success. The Names are striking intense fear into their hearts. Ancient Greeks watching this show from Heaven are all like "Damn, we didn't quake this much when Zeus came down to kill or impregnate us." Everyone except Kevin heads to the MGM Grand where they'll be doing their final hour of prep and serving. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron escapes her and interviews that while he may be trained in French cuisine, French people and Haitian people don't have a great history of getting along. Mike works on his sauce, and begins to back out of the idea when it doesn't come together right away. Bryan tells him to just heat it more, and that they'll be fine.
Eli and Laurine are working with lobster and a sauce that Eli equates to lobster bisque. Yes, please! Laurine tells us that lobster is tough to cook well, as it's easy to overcook it into a rubbery mess. Mattin works on his veloute, hoping to stand out with his use of bacon. Ashley lets him take the lead on their overall plate, but she's extremely nervous about the whole thing. Jenc and Michael fly along on their rabbit with a chasseur. Hector is in charge of the chateaubriand, with Ash making an au poivre (peppercorn) sauce. Hector worries that the meat isn't cooking fast enough. Meanwhile, the judges, Names, an interpreter, and Kevin get seated in the dining room. Ron and Robin get their food plated. Eli makes fun of them in an interview.
Commercials. Yeesh. Top Chef may be the sole watchable show on Bravo this season.
Padma introduces everyone at the table to Ron and Robin, who are serving the first course. The Names seem genuinely pleased to be here. Let's get eating! Ron's frog legs are covered by Robin's meuniere sauce (brown butter, lemon, and parsley). They're served with a lemon confit, some mache, and an arugula salad with fried capers. The judges allow that frog legs are a difficult protein, but find them over-floured and overcooked. The Head Name (Joel Robuchon - who speaks in French throughout) finds the frog leg flavor masked by the sauce. Mike and Bryan are the second course, with warm cured trout and the deconstructed bearnaise sauce. The Names find everything to be simple, yet impressively sophisticated. I'm glad they don't take the time to air both the Head Name's original French critique and the interpreter's English translation of it, but the resulting French-with-subtitles makes it look like everyone at the table speaks fluent French, which is kind of hilarious.
Eli and Laurine go out with the third course, which is the lobster with the bisque-like "Americaine" sauce, a cauliflower puree, and a touch of raw cauliflower on top. In general, it goes over well, but loses some points on the details. The lobster is a bit tough and the sauce isn't as flavorful as it should be. Still, it's not bad for a couple of American rubes who don't know which end of the Eiffel Tower is up. Ashley and Mattin are the fourth course. They've made seared poussin (young chicken) with the veloute sauce, some ravioli, and green asparagus. Ashley's poussin is bland, while the bacon overpowered Mattin's sauce.
Michael and Jenc are the fifth course, with rabbit and the chasseur sauce. It's paired with a little mustard noodle and shiso leaf. The judges like it a lot, saying Michael and Jenc avoided the easy trap of tough meat, and that it's a very "mature" dish overall. Back in the kitchen, Hector does not have enough time to finish cooking the meat, let it rest, carve it, and get it on the plate. So the meat gets up to the proper temperature, but doesn't rest, is cut quickly and sloppily, and Ash doesn't get a lot of sauce on the plates before time runs out. Yipes. Their peppercorn steak is served with apple confit and spinach. As expected, the judges find their plates unrefined, messy, and light on sauce.
The Names enjoy the meal overall, and Gail posits that in no other season would they have had this good of a meal at this point in the competition. I just looked back at Episode Four in all of the previous seasons, and have to agree. Back at the main Kitchen, the chefs sit for their fret 'n sweat. Kevin enters to wait it out with them. They grill him about what the Names liked and disliked, but he's very non-committal. He's either being diplomatic, or more likely, is being forced by the producers to keep the judges' opinions secret.
Commercials. I covet the pared-down glasses these people drink from in the 64-calorie beer ads.
Judges' Table. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Michael/Jenc and Bryan/Mike to the table. What, no Mattin? But he's French! Padma informs the four chefs that they had the two best dishes of the night, and the four of them just stand there, presumably waiting for some other shoe to drop. Padma and Ptom have to remind them that this is a good thing. Bryan and Mike are roundly complimented on both the sauce and the fish. Michael and Jenc are too, but in this case, there's a healthy side helping of sexual tension.
LabRat: "As soon as the cameras are off, they are going to do it."
Daniel gets to announce the challenge's winner, and it's Bryan, for both his food and his advanced ideas about technique. His prize is to work at the Head Name's restaurant for a week. Awesome. Next time he wins, his prize can be to clean my bathroom. Padma asks the chefs to send the losers out. Mattin, Ashley, Hector, and Ash are the unlucky group. Ashley's poussin was dry and heavy. Mattin's sauce was more of a gravy than a veloute, and his use of bacon is questioned. He shrugs that he hasn't made a veloute in a long time. But the Frenchness! Ashley's asparagus didn't add much, and the judges suggest maybe having done an asparagus veloute, because they're psychic. They always say that they don't see any of the behind-the-scenes stuff, and only judge on the food that's presented to them. This is what's known as "bullshit". Ashley says the idea of an asparagus veloute did come up, and Ptom assumes that Mattin shot it down. He denies it, which may not be an outright lie, but is certainly closer to false than true. Nothing is ever made of this maneuver of his, which is weird. Hector and Ash's problems were apparent. Their time issue led to not enough sauce, not enough resting, and not enough care taken with the carving.
Deliberations. Padma says that a case could be made for someone from either team going home. Thank you for that invaluable contribution. Hector's poor timing cannot be overlooked, especially since he had the simplest protein to work with out of anybody. Ash's sauce was pretty much fine, if minimal. Ashley's ravioli was too thick, her meat was dry, and she refused to sell Mattin out. Ah, shades of last week. How unwelcome. Mattin had a chance to shine in his area of expertise, and just didn't make a proper sauce. Here is the point where I'd normally sneer at Ptom for dictating to a French person how to make a French sauce, but Mattin really did seem to skitter off the rails tonight. The judges make a decision.
Elimination. This one isn't very suspenseful, which is fine. It's not the show's fault that one person messed up so much worse than everyone else. If you can't cook a basic steak, you can't move on, and so it's Hector that will be taking the long walk tonight. He's disappointed that he won't be able to stick around to represent himself and his people. It's true that with him gone, Ron's the only one left keeping this from being the whitest season ever. Hector thinks he maybe shouldn't have changed his style to meet time restrictions or the judges' tastes. Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Eve stayed true to her roots, and look what happened to her. Fortunately, Hector seems more on the ball, and his workaholic nature will serve both as a cushion for the disappointment and a focus for what to do next. Bon voyage!
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: AMERRRRRRRRRRRRRRICA! The chefs had to work with limited ingredients and equipment. Mike tossed a salad he didn't even care about. Ew, not like that, perv. Michael won the challenge, Mike got pissed that the food he makes actually gets judged, and Preeti got eliminated for her insistence on being a perfectly nice, normal person. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. No viewing party this week, so it was just LabRat and I. That did free me up to make something that doesn't have to travel well, so we had some veggies, rice, and a terrific honey-mustard salmon that is deceptively simple.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Mike doesn't think he should have been on the bottom in the last challenge, because he's been on the top of every other challenge but one. Erm, no. Leaving aside the easily-destroyed argument that once someone is considered for a win, they must never qualify for Losers' Table, he's still wrong. He was in the top group for the first Elimination Challenge, but hasn't been there since. He rode the other men's coattails to his "win" in the bachelor/bachelorette challenge (in which the judges hated his food), and rode Michael's coattails to his "win" in the Air Force challenge (in which the judges hated his food). Nice try, though. Meanwhile, Robin frets because the first three eliminated contestants were all female, and worries that the boys are going to get swelled heads.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs go to Daniel Boulud's restaurant, where they are met by Ptom and Daniel Boulud himself, sitting in as guest judge this week. Ptom begins an introduction to French food, and how it's always been popular in the United States. Mattin is already grinning, sure he's got any French food challenge in the bag. The one French ingredient that has yet to really catch on here in the States is escargot. Jenc agrees that snail is difficult to cook well, and whoever first looked at one and thought "Yum!" must have been really fucking hungry. And how. Same goes for lobster and sea urchin. Today, the chefs' challenge is to make a dish using snail as the main protein. Daniel cautions that it must also be a new twist on escargot, so whatever is considered a "normal" snail dish is out the window. This is one of those high-stakes Quickfires, which means big news for both the winner and the loser. The winner gets immunity and another advantage that we'll get to later. The loser gets eliminated on the spot. A whole new layer of anxiety settles over the chefs. Ptom starts the forty-five minute countdown, and they all scatter.
Snail murder ensues. Mike is going for a Greek feel to his dish, because snail is a delicacy in Crete. I'm certainly not surprised that he wants to emulate a Cretan. Ba-zing! Kevin explains to us that snail doesn't taste like much of anything, so the background flavors must be boosted by other ingredients. Hector wants to marry escargot with Carribean flavors. Robin accidentally steals Ron's ingredients. She's anxious, having never worked with snail before, and fearing elimination. Over at the other end of the anxiety spectrum, Mattin doesn't have a care in the world. Jesse attempts to escape her sinkhole of despair. People plate up, and time runs out.
The chefs come out in small groups to present their dishes to Ptom and Daniel. Ron has made a French-style snail with caramelized shallots, alcohol, veggies, and some herbs. Jenc has grilled ramps, brussels sprouts, mushrooms, and yuzu with sauteed snail. Jesse has done a play on BLT called an "ELT", consisting of escargot and mache, with fried tomato as the "bread". If nothing else, it's very clever. Laurine has made lemon risotto with sauteed escargot, spinach, a parsley pesto, and some garlic butter. I have to say, I don't know how any of this tastes, but I have yet to see a dish of Laurine's that didn't at least sound really good. She and I are in sync, food-wise. Hector has paired Carribean escargot with pickled mushrooms. He and I are not in sync, food-wise. Robin has done a play off of bagels, lox, and cream cheese. Preach it, sista! I'll see you at shul for High Holidays! You know, if either of us feels like going or is at least guilted into it by our parents. Her plate includes poached escargot with marmalade, gooseberries, and rye toast.
Mattin has made fava bean toast with sauteed escargot, a regional pepper, and anise. Ew. Anise taints everything, but mix it with a pepper, and I'll bet it's even worse. Ashley has made soup and salad, and seems to have just plopped the snail into it. Kevin wanted to do a snail fricassee, and has paired it with mushrooms, brussels sprouts, and for something a little more interesting, a candied bacon jam. Intriguing. Bryan has a fermented garlic, butter-poached escargot with red wine risotto, a spinach emulsion, and some almond froth. Bryan seems like a nice guy and a competent chef, but his food sure leans towards the frou-frou. Michael has braised his snail in veal jus, and serves it with mushrooms and lasagna noodles. Mike has sauteed snail over potato garlic puree, some broth made with ouzo, and a little spring onion, lemon, and olive oil. Sounds good. That's all the dishes we see, and the chefs shuffle out nervously to hear the results.
For obvious reasons, we start with the favorites this time, instead of the bottom-dwellers. Mike's Greek preparation, Kevin's bacon jam, and Jenc's yuzu have elevated them to the top. Jeez, I have nothing against Mike being in the top for this one (his food really did look good), but if anyone gets to brag about ruling challenges, he should look over at the other two. The ultimate winner turns out to be... Kevin. He's happy with the win, and the validation it gives his down-home-flavor techniques. Now, to the bottom three. Jesse is required by law to be in the bottom group, and she's joined by Ashley and Robin. So, woman, woman, and woman. Looks like Robin's fears were well-founded. Rather than just cutting someone right away, Ptom sends the three of them back to the kitchen, giving them twenty minutes to whip together an amuse bouche to save themselves.
They cook. Time runs out. Oddly, all of them have made three plates for two judges. Who's getting that third one? Robin has made a mini avocado soup with yuzu, green apple, mustard relish, and crab. Jesse has a tuna tartare with sorrel, gooseberries, fried bread, and a fried quail egg on top. Ashley has thrown together some foie gras with pineapple, tarragon, and ramps. Foie gras with pineapple? Your ideas interest me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Robin's soup was good, but could have used more crab. Jesse's tartare could have used some spice. Ashley's foie gras needed to be cut a little thicker. Fairly minor criticisms, all.
Commercials. Go on the web to learn the winning Quickfire dish. Good idea. Let me pull out my escargot. I just need to move my liquid nitrogen tank out of the way first.
It's time for someone to go home, and to nobody's surprise, it's Jesse. It's almost the merciful thing to do at this point. She's upset and embarrassed to have been on the bottom of the heap yet again, and wants us all to know that she doesn't suck this bad when she's at home. I have no trouble believing it. Cooking skill doesn't equate to skill in marathon speed challenges with weird parameters. Ashley is relieved that she wasn't the one to go, but is using this experience to build her reputation, and being in the bottom sure doesn't help that. Jenc says that with four women in a row being eliminated, the rest of them have to step it up.
Elimination Challenge. Everyone but Kevin will draw a knife from the knife block. Six of them draw classic French sauces, and six of them draw classic French proteins. Mike is stressed, because he has no experience in French cooking. His worry is understandable, but I wish he wouldn't waggle his tongue around like that. It's fairly nasty. Ptom tells the sauce chefs and the protein chefs to pair up to create a six-course meal. Mattin is happy, because this challenge is almost tailor-made to his skills. Of course, so was the escargot challenge, and I don't remember hearing his name up in the winners' circle. I'm sure I must have just been distracted.
The chefs will be cooking for some of the biggest names in French cuisine, none of whom I've ever heard of (except for Hubert Keller, and that's because of this show). That's not a knock against them or their reputations; I'm just interested in a wide range of food styles, and tend not to concentrate on the Names within that style. I get that Americans view classic French techniques as the Holy Grail of the culinary world, but frankly, I feel Asian, Mediterranean, Latin, etc. can be just as valid and sophisticated. The contestants don't feel the same way. They're blown away by the Names they'll be serving. Michael says this may be the most important plate of food he's ever cooked. The chefs will have two hours to cook in the Kitchen, and an additional one hour of prep time on-site. As the winner of the Quickfire, Kevin is not only excused from cooking, but gets to eat with the rest of the diners. It sounds wonderful, though LabRat points out that if the ultimate goal of these chefs is to get important industry people to eat their food, Kevin's missing out on a potentially big opportunity. Oh, well. Who am I to intrude on his happiness?
Ptom gives the chefs ten minutes to pair up. I wonder why Padma's not covering this challenge. Did she have a shampoo or Hardee's commercial to film? Sorry, I'm still not over her snotty attitude from last week. I'll let it go now. Anyhow, the chefs pair up to be Michael/Jenc, Eli/Laurine, Ashley/Mattin, Hector/Ash, Mike/Bryan, and Ron/Robin. The individual proteins and sauces are all thrown at us in kind of a mouth-garbling mess, so we'll leave those alone for now. Everyone heads to the store for half an hour of shopping time with a $200 budget. Ashley suggests asparagus, which Mattin vetoes, saying it doesn't go with their sauce. He'd rather flavor the sauce with bacon. He is, after all, the French One, and must know best. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks, while Ron shops stoically. He tells us that she has a bunch of ideas that veer wildly away from classic French cooking, so he hopes his frog legs and her sauce are judged separately. Sibling rivalry interviews from Michael and Bryan. Zzzzz.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their two hours of prep time. Lobster murder ensues. There's been more death in this episode of Top Chef than your average Dexter. Michael butchers rabbits. Ashley massages Mattin's ego about how awesome French food is. He's the French One, you know. Bryan explains his method for cooking trout to Mike. Mike doesn't seem to care that much, concentrating on his bearnaise sauce. He's never made it before, and works with Bryan's guidance to make a deconstructed sauce with all of the ingredients separated. Man, in six seasons, I don't think I've ever seen a contestant indulge in this much coattail-riding. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron's brain floats away to his Happy Place. As the time winds down, everyone packs up their food for transport.
Interstitial. Mattin drunkenly celebrates his birthday in a very Europy bathing suit.
The next morning, the chefs try to work the butterflies out of their stomachs, without much success. The Names are striking intense fear into their hearts. Ancient Greeks watching this show from Heaven are all like "Damn, we didn't quake this much when Zeus came down to kill or impregnate us." Everyone except Kevin heads to the MGM Grand where they'll be doing their final hour of prep and serving. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron escapes her and interviews that while he may be trained in French cuisine, French people and Haitian people don't have a great history of getting along. Mike works on his sauce, and begins to back out of the idea when it doesn't come together right away. Bryan tells him to just heat it more, and that they'll be fine.
Eli and Laurine are working with lobster and a sauce that Eli equates to lobster bisque. Yes, please! Laurine tells us that lobster is tough to cook well, as it's easy to overcook it into a rubbery mess. Mattin works on his veloute, hoping to stand out with his use of bacon. Ashley lets him take the lead on their overall plate, but she's extremely nervous about the whole thing. Jenc and Michael fly along on their rabbit with a chasseur. Hector is in charge of the chateaubriand, with Ash making an au poivre (peppercorn) sauce. Hector worries that the meat isn't cooking fast enough. Meanwhile, the judges, Names, an interpreter, and Kevin get seated in the dining room. Ron and Robin get their food plated. Eli makes fun of them in an interview.
Commercials. Yeesh. Top Chef may be the sole watchable show on Bravo this season.
Padma introduces everyone at the table to Ron and Robin, who are serving the first course. The Names seem genuinely pleased to be here. Let's get eating! Ron's frog legs are covered by Robin's meuniere sauce (brown butter, lemon, and parsley). They're served with a lemon confit, some mache, and an arugula salad with fried capers. The judges allow that frog legs are a difficult protein, but find them over-floured and overcooked. The Head Name (Joel Robuchon - who speaks in French throughout) finds the frog leg flavor masked by the sauce. Mike and Bryan are the second course, with warm cured trout and the deconstructed bearnaise sauce. The Names find everything to be simple, yet impressively sophisticated. I'm glad they don't take the time to air both the Head Name's original French critique and the interpreter's English translation of it, but the resulting French-with-subtitles makes it look like everyone at the table speaks fluent French, which is kind of hilarious.
Eli and Laurine go out with the third course, which is the lobster with the bisque-like "Americaine" sauce, a cauliflower puree, and a touch of raw cauliflower on top. In general, it goes over well, but loses some points on the details. The lobster is a bit tough and the sauce isn't as flavorful as it should be. Still, it's not bad for a couple of American rubes who don't know which end of the Eiffel Tower is up. Ashley and Mattin are the fourth course. They've made seared poussin (young chicken) with the veloute sauce, some ravioli, and green asparagus. Ashley's poussin is bland, while the bacon overpowered Mattin's sauce.
Michael and Jenc are the fifth course, with rabbit and the chasseur sauce. It's paired with a little mustard noodle and shiso leaf. The judges like it a lot, saying Michael and Jenc avoided the easy trap of tough meat, and that it's a very "mature" dish overall. Back in the kitchen, Hector does not have enough time to finish cooking the meat, let it rest, carve it, and get it on the plate. So the meat gets up to the proper temperature, but doesn't rest, is cut quickly and sloppily, and Ash doesn't get a lot of sauce on the plates before time runs out. Yipes. Their peppercorn steak is served with apple confit and spinach. As expected, the judges find their plates unrefined, messy, and light on sauce.
The Names enjoy the meal overall, and Gail posits that in no other season would they have had this good of a meal at this point in the competition. I just looked back at Episode Four in all of the previous seasons, and have to agree. Back at the main Kitchen, the chefs sit for their fret 'n sweat. Kevin enters to wait it out with them. They grill him about what the Names liked and disliked, but he's very non-committal. He's either being diplomatic, or more likely, is being forced by the producers to keep the judges' opinions secret.
Commercials. I covet the pared-down glasses these people drink from in the 64-calorie beer ads.
Judges' Table. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Michael/Jenc and Bryan/Mike to the table. What, no Mattin? But he's French! Padma informs the four chefs that they had the two best dishes of the night, and the four of them just stand there, presumably waiting for some other shoe to drop. Padma and Ptom have to remind them that this is a good thing. Bryan and Mike are roundly complimented on both the sauce and the fish. Michael and Jenc are too, but in this case, there's a healthy side helping of sexual tension.
LabRat: "As soon as the cameras are off, they are going to do it."
Daniel gets to announce the challenge's winner, and it's Bryan, for both his food and his advanced ideas about technique. His prize is to work at the Head Name's restaurant for a week. Awesome. Next time he wins, his prize can be to clean my bathroom. Padma asks the chefs to send the losers out. Mattin, Ashley, Hector, and Ash are the unlucky group. Ashley's poussin was dry and heavy. Mattin's sauce was more of a gravy than a veloute, and his use of bacon is questioned. He shrugs that he hasn't made a veloute in a long time. But the Frenchness! Ashley's asparagus didn't add much, and the judges suggest maybe having done an asparagus veloute, because they're psychic. They always say that they don't see any of the behind-the-scenes stuff, and only judge on the food that's presented to them. This is what's known as "bullshit". Ashley says the idea of an asparagus veloute did come up, and Ptom assumes that Mattin shot it down. He denies it, which may not be an outright lie, but is certainly closer to false than true. Nothing is ever made of this maneuver of his, which is weird. Hector and Ash's problems were apparent. Their time issue led to not enough sauce, not enough resting, and not enough care taken with the carving.
Deliberations. Padma says that a case could be made for someone from either team going home. Thank you for that invaluable contribution. Hector's poor timing cannot be overlooked, especially since he had the simplest protein to work with out of anybody. Ash's sauce was pretty much fine, if minimal. Ashley's ravioli was too thick, her meat was dry, and she refused to sell Mattin out. Ah, shades of last week. How unwelcome. Mattin had a chance to shine in his area of expertise, and just didn't make a proper sauce. Here is the point where I'd normally sneer at Ptom for dictating to a French person how to make a French sauce, but Mattin really did seem to skitter off the rails tonight. The judges make a decision.
Elimination. This one isn't very suspenseful, which is fine. It's not the show's fault that one person messed up so much worse than everyone else. If you can't cook a basic steak, you can't move on, and so it's Hector that will be taking the long walk tonight. He's disappointed that he won't be able to stick around to represent himself and his people. It's true that with him gone, Ron's the only one left keeping this from being the whitest season ever. Hector thinks he maybe shouldn't have changed his style to meet time restrictions or the judges' tastes. Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Eve stayed true to her roots, and look what happened to her. Fortunately, Hector seems more on the ball, and his workaholic nature will serve both as a cushion for the disappointment and a focus for what to do next. Bon voyage!
Overall Grade: B+
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