Foo Foo Platter

Top Chef - Season 5, Episode 3

Previously on Top Chef: The contestants cooked lunch for people who aren't telegenic or sassy enough to be successful chefs. Jill made an ostrich egg taste like glue, while Ariane's dessert made Padma seize in disgust. Fabio won the challenge, Jill's incomprehensible rambling at Judges' Table got her chopped, and Ariane was pulled further into her whirlpool of despair. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Drinking Game Rule #3: Take a drink any time a contestant reacts to a judges' criticism by sneering that they just don't get it.

Monday Morning Quarterback Session. Fabio - happy. Ariane - unhappy. Richard - King of Unnecessary Exposition. No big changes there. That dispensed with, the chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Grant Achatz. Padma wishes everyone a happy Thanksgiving. The fact that they always give warm, holiday greetings in what is probably the dead of August never stops being funny. Hosea is heartened to see a guest judge who has successfully battled cancer, as his father has just been diagnosed with it. Let's send a mind-melded batch of Get Well Soon his way. The chefs step forward to draw knives, each of which has a number on it. Those numbers turn out to correspond to page numbers in the Top Chef cookbook, which must not be selling well if they have to plug it like this. The chefs have an hour to put their own, personal spin on the recipe found on their chosen page number. Ready? Go!

Jeff has gotten a recipe of Howie's, though they neglected to include massive flop sweat on the ingredients list. Leah has gotten one of Hung's many tuna tartare dishes, which includes white asparagus. Shortly into the challenge, Padma re-enters, and almost hysterically yells for the chefs to stop what they're doing. Daniel recaps this in interview, which is a good chance to note how wildly his facial hair varies across this episode. It's clean-shaven, but for a soul patch! Now, it's scruffy! Now, it's that negative-space mustache again! Padma tells the chefs that the challenge is changing; now they must take the ingredients they've already started working with, and make a soup out of them. Product-placed broth has been provided. Leah, who was quite confident before this happened, now has to pull a raw tuna soup out of her ass, and do it using white asparagus, which she loathes. Ouch. Carla brings her special brand of kooky to her soup. I must admit that Carla, even with her spirit guides and those wacky interviews with her eyes bugging out of her head, is starting to worm her way into my heart.

Jamie, who knows her soups, doesn't think she'll have any trouble working with a recipe of Miguel's. Well, sure. I mean, it's Miguel. The best picture they could find to put in the cookbook makes him look like he wears a helmet to school. Padma comes in to give the five-minute warning. Chaotic cooking montage, followed by chaotic plating montage. It's a bit improbable to refer to filling bowls of soup as "plating", but I guess "bowling" is out, for obvious reasons. Pity. Padma and Grant go down the line. Stefan has made a scallop/shrimp burger into a Thai green curry with scallop dumplings on the side. Makes sense. Ariane, who had Dale's (that's adorable Dale, not obnoxious Dale) rack of lamb, which you'd think would be pretty easy to turn into some sort of stew. Ariane has combined diced lamb with eggplant, red pepper, and couscous. Grant finds it overcooked, and Ariane shakes her head, like "Well, someone hates my food. What else is new?". That doesn't count for the drinking game, though, so put those glasses down.

Daniel has thrown together a ham and egg soup, which sounds difficult. He's included mushrooms, corn, and cheese. Padma, who sounds stoned out of her gourd, says she's never had ham and egg soup before, but is able to slur that she likes it. Daniel is pleased in interview. Perhaps he's pleased that he's been able to grow a full beard in three seconds. Richard has a black bean and roasted pasilla pepper soup with rice. Grant says it needs acid, which Richard was going to include, but ran out of time. Melissa has made her version of an Italian wedding soup, which looks nothing like Italian wedding soup. But it's her version! She still needs to work on her version of a haircut.

Fabio got a recipe of Michael's, and if they included him in the cookbook, it's no wonder nobody's buying. I can't imagine there were too many people salivating for the chance to emulate the guy who made Cheeto shitbombs. This more successful recipe is a duo of salmon and trout, which Fabio has put into a mushroom and asparagus soup. Grant finds it flat. Carla had Lia's poached shrimp, which she's turned into shrimp, tomato, and coriander soup. Sounds good. Grant backs me up. Leah has made a chilled asparagus soup with tuna. Jamie has naturally turned Miguel's deconstructed falafel into chickpea soup. Padma and Grant love it.

Results. Perhaps in the spirit of the season, there are no challenge losers named. The top three are Jamie's chickpea soup, Leah's ability to work with the hated white asparagus, and Daniel's inventive ham and egg soup. Grant selects Leah as the winner. Her response is rather muted, but she perks up when she's reminded that she's immune from elimination in the next challenge. Speaking of which...

Elimination Challenge. The challenge will be to make Thanksgiving dinner for some very special clients. The chefs will be split into two teams, and as winner of the Quickfire, Leah gets to choose her team. She unsurprisingly selects Jamie, Hosea, Fabio, Stefan, Radhika, and Melissa. Padma plays a video message from the clients, who turn out to be the Foo Fighters. Hey, celebrity guests that I like! I don't think that's happened since Jennifer Coolidge. They claim to be big Top Chef fans, which I have trouble believing for some reason. The chefs will cook for the band and its entourage at their next venue. They've passed along a copy of their "rider" to make sure the chefs have plenty of traps to fall into. Padma outlines some examples of what they'll find, such as the band's love of chocolate-covered frozen bananas. Yeah, I think that was one of the things Squanto introduced to the Pilgrims. There will be eighteen vegetarians in the horde of diners, which Hosea thinks is no problem. He's from Colorado, which is apparently bursting with picky eaters. The winning team gets to attend the show, while the members of the losing one are not only ripe for elimination, but must clean up after the feast. Gordon Ramsay is already halfway to court to file a claim of copyright infringement.

Later, the chefs are driven out to an arena in Rochester, where they're met by a roadie. Fabio asks to see where the kitchen is (subtitled...DRINK!), and the roadie leads them...outside. Not only is it outside, but the only cooking equipment available is one burner and a bunch of microwaves and toasters. The chefs get fifteen minutes to try and think their way through this. Stefan is confident, while Jamie snaps over and over that they only have one burner, so a lot of grandiose ideas, like two gravys (gravies?) are implausible. Meanwhile, Jeff is putting his mad phat organizational skillz to work. Ariane is put in charge of the turkey, and she complains in interview that nobody on her team thinks she can handle it, simply because she's sucked in every challenge so far. She may have left that last clause off. In semi-accordance with the "rider", Richard will be making banana s'mores. Everyone heads out to shop for supplies.

At the store, we're given the team names. Leah's team has been christened Team Sexy Pants, which is dumb, but which will have delightful consequences. The other team is Team Cougar, named in part for Ariane's woman-of-a-certain-age hotness. Perhaps fortunately, she's not really sure what the term is all about. Everyone stocks up. Turkeys are piled into carts. Carla calls out a "Happy Thanksgiving!", no doubt confusing the hell out of all the other patrons who are buying watermelon for the weekend barbeque.

Back at whatever patio the poor chefs have been exiled to, Eugene shows us how with a chafing dish and some charcoal, he's built a little smoker to provide some extra cooking equipment. Genius! We get a peek at the menus, though with the Reliably Shitty Titles Department, it's anyone's guess what will actually show up on the plate. As you might expect, they're full of turkey, potatoes, stuffing, and desserts, though there is a curious lack of green vegetables. Jeff talks about making a pumpkin mousse, and we're forced to pause the show, as his title of chef at the "Dilido Beach Club" looks like something else. Something VERY else.

Tiffany: "He works at the Dildo Beach Club?"
Limecrete: "And all they serve is phallic-shaped food, with maybe some asses for variety."
LabRat: "I dunno. Getting in might be difficult."

Team Cougar harangues Ariane about making sure the turkey's cooking. She gets exasperated, which would be understandable if she hadn't been such an underperforming sad-sack since the word "go". Apparently, cooking outdoors with budget and menu constraints wasn't enough of a curveball, because Nature decides to get in on the act by raining. Panicky production assistants try to protect the food with flimsy patio tents, which works about as well as you'd expect. Fabio complains that there's no way he's going home because it's raining in his tiramisu. I always enjoy sentences that nobody will ever have use for ever again. Daniel gripes about getting the "goddamn" potatoes done, and I'm surprised, because I don't think I've ever heard that uttered on primetime basic cable without the "God" part bleeped. Not that I care that he said it; it's just interesting for cultural footnote purposes. The chefs realize that time is running out, and if the food's not on the tables inside when the clock stops, they can't serve it. A lot of mad dashes ensue. Carla wants to show that the kids that didn't get picked for kickball can win the challenge. Eugene says they got everything finished by the "skin of our ass". Nice. I'll have to steal that phrase.

The judges, Foos, and other diners enter and line up for service. Daniel tells us as much in interview (negative-space mustache) before dishing up his potatoes (stubble with soul patch). Team Cougar also starts off with spoonbread stuffing (with figs/cranberries/walnuts/onion), five-cheese mac and cheese with bacon (mmmm), roasted turkey with mushroom gravy, and maple-smoked pork loin. Jeff's stuffing isn't a big hit, as the Foos aren't into a lot of bells and whistles like the figs in their stuffing. Grant says that sometimes, you just have to execute the classics, as if the chefs wouldn't have been slammed for playing too safe if they had done just that. Alex's mac and cheese is popular, but Daniel's potatoes are undercooked. Both meats do well. Eugene gets points for MacGyvering out on the pork smoker, while Ariane's turkey earns her some much-needed redemption.

On to Team Sexy Pants' dinner. Turkey, vegan cornbread stuffing, sweet potatoes, and roasted corn salad. Fabio charms the pants off Padma. At least she wishes he would. The vegetables are lauded. The vegan stuffing was far better than the other team's, and Dave Grohl gives high praise for the burned marshmallows on the yams, as "you GOTTA burn the marshmallows, man". I have to agree. The turkey, on the other hand, does not compare to Ariane's. Everyone decides to move on to dessert. Richard flames. He also torches his s'mores. Zing! The judges' approach surprises Ariane, who's in the middle of a huge mouthful of food, which Jeff chides her over. Oh, let the woman wolf down a few bites. Fabio presents his roasted pumpkin/honey/cinnamon tiramisu and Hosea's peach and blueberry crisp with cinnamon cream. Ah yes, when I think of autumnal harvest flavors, peach and blueberry immediately spring to mind.

The judges also load up on Team Cougar's desserts. Jeff was expecting them to eat Team Sexy Pants' dessert and then come back, so things that were supposed to be hot had to be served lukewarm. He's disconcerted. Carla serves a peach and cherry cobbler (more autumnal goodness!), Jeff serves his pumpkin mousse tossed with fresh fruit, and Richard serves his banana s'mores with vanilla cream and chocolate ganache. The judges go back to the table to eat, and it is here that Team Sexy Pants' name comes in handy, as that is how all the austere judges must now refer to them. Fabio's tiramisu is popular, and Ptom likes that he merged an American tradition with his knowledge of Italian food. Sexy Pants gets a hearty thumbs up on dessert. Team Cougar gets off to a bad start with Jeff's pumpkin mousse. The Foos make an astute point in that combining things you chew (the fruit) with things you simply swallow (the mousse) can be irritating. It's true. That's why suspending things in Jello is against God and Nature. The s'mores also draw criticism, as the cream on top resembles a big wad of spit.

Deliberations, Part I. It's generally agreed upon that neither team blew the other out of the water. Team Cougar's turkey was much better, while Team Sexy Pants ruled dessert. Team Sexy Pants also had the vegan stuffing, but the Foo drummer says that more of Team Cougar's entrees were better, and that desserts aren't the most important part of the meal. In general, I'd agree. If I go out to eat and have a terrific dinner followed by a disappointing dessert, I'm still satisfied. If, on the other hand, dinner is awful and there's a delectable dessert, I'd be kind of pissed off. Still, dessert carries more weight at Thanksgiving dinner. Ever taken a bite of a truly wretched pumpkin pie? It's not fun. The judges and Foos approach the teams to render their decision.

Team Sexy Pants takes the challenge. They celebrate. Eugene grouses, while Carla offers Team Sexy Pants congratulations. The winning chefs attend the show, while the losing ones despondently clean up and go through a lot of rationalizing and anxiety. Richard hopes that Team Cougar won't resort to throwing each other under the bus. DRINK! Back at the Kitchen, the teams are reunited. Melissa shows she's just as good at being a gracious winner as she is at styling her bangs by breezing in and declaring how awesome the show was. Daniel flicks her off. Classless, yes. Undeserved, no.

The Cougars go in to face Judges' Table. Jeff says he's surprised the team lost. He thought they put out a good meal, given the curveballs the challenge contained. Ptom points out that the other team had the same obstacles. Asked if there was a team leader, Alex says that while they didn't assign one, Jeff emerged as one. Lest you think that means Jeff is being sold out, Alex and Richard go to great lengths to clarify that Jeff's organizational skills were tremendously handy, and if the team lost, it was on execution, which is everyone's responsibility. Nice. Ptom tells Jeff that he looks pretty pissed off, and if he's hoping to spark a tantrum, he'll be disappointed. Jeff simply says that he's upset that they lost, because everyone on the team was great, and he wouldn't trade any of them for anyone on the other team. It'd have been better if he'd stopped there, and not added the Baseball Movie Cliche of "they gotta lotta heart, sir" on the end, but I admire the sentiment.

Ptom says that Team Sexy Pants didn't clobber them by any means, and Gail jumps in to tell Ariane that her turkey was perfect, and much better than the other team's. Ariane grins in relief. She had to be thinking she was going home. Jeff's spoonbread was too dry. Daniel claims responsibility for the potatoes and the vegetarian stuffed mushrooms, about which we haven't heard a peep. Gail mentions that the potatoes were undercooked, and Daniel says that it was a time issue, so he combined the roasted potatoes with the cooked ones. I guess the latter were boiled? Ptom asks why he didn't just leave the undercooked ones out of the dish, and Daniel says that there wouldn't have been enough to serve. That's a reasonable response.

Team Cougar's real problem was dessert. Carla's cobbler was a fine concept, but was off in execution. Jeff's pumpkin mousse was imbalanced. Richard's s'mores weren't s'mores. There was no burnt sugar, and not enough chocolate to be classified as a s'more. I only wish Food Taxonomy had been offered at my university. Richard says that he wanted to offer chocolate-dipped frozen bananas, but obviously the challenge parameters put an end to that. He tried to do what he could to feature the banana over the chocolate. Another reasonable response. Gail says that the foamy cream on top wasn't suited to a catering environment, in that it just fell flat. True enough. The spit comment is brought up. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations, Part II. Grant would like to narrow the losers to the dessert-makers, but Ptom and Gail want to toss in Daniel's sloppily-executed potatoes as well. That leaves a pass for one of the dessert-makers, and happily, Carla claims it. Her cobbler wasn't outstanding, but it wasn't terrible. Jeff has natural leadership abilities, which is good, but the time he spent on organizing the team caused him to fall flat in his cooking, which is bad. The pumpkin mousse was a bad idea, but the spoonbread would have been fine if it hadn't been overcooked. Richard's s'mores didn't taste good, didn't look good, and weren't a good concept to begin with. Ouch. Ptom snipes that the chefs needn't have followed every instruction on the "rider", and before I can fully gear up to gripe that the chefs would have been reamed if they had ignored it, he deflates me by saying there were plenty of other things Richard could have done with bananas. Oh. That's true. The judges reach a decision.

As they sweat 'n' fret, Daniel and Jamie get into a pointless fight about peanut butter on the floor or some such idiocy. Jamie, the concert's over. You can take off that hippy-dippy headband now, okay, Princess Patchouli? Daniel makes a caveman comment about how Jamie must be on the rag or something, which prompts Panny to tell us how she got a memo at her new job about how the ladies of her company generally bake cookies for the guys at Christmas. Wow, her commute must be terrible. It takes a long time to drive to 1955.

Elimination. Eugene's pork was a high point of the entire meal. He's dismissed. Alex is still middle-of-the-road competent. So much so that I forget he exists when he's not on-screen. He's dismissed. Hey, who was that guy? Carla's dessert was the best of the three. She's dismissed. Ariane's turkey was excellent. She's dismissed. That leaves Jeff, Daniel, and Richard in the bottom three. Daniel's potatoes sucked. Jeff bit off more than he could chew. Richard's s'mores were a mess from top to bottom. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Richard. Please pack your knives and go. Aw. I don't disagree; he didn't make a single dish you wouldn't see at a Dierbergs Saturday Afternoon Cooking Class, but "aw" just the same. He cries in his final interview, and says he busted his ass for three seasons trying to get on the show. Well, look at the bright side, Richard. You made it on. He heads out the door, and Team Rainbow gets whittled down to Member Rainbow. No pressure, Jamie.

Overall Grade: B-