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Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 1

Welcome back, food fans! Though Iron Chef is fun, I must confess that I was really ready for Top Chef to come back. I even sat through a bunch of Chopped episodes, despite my disgust for the entire judging panel (save Freitag and Guarnaschelli), just to get my culinary fix. This season comes to us from our nation's capital, which is a beautiful place, though I don't know much about its restaurants or cuisine. Seventeen chefs are here to prove that they have what it takes to wow the judges with their cooking prowess, and have enough of a crap personality to become a deeply-unsatisfactory winner. Hooray!

Padma introduces the opening montage. One lady wants to stick her success in her mom's face. One guy needs the money so he can support Asian orphanages. A bunch of people want to fight on television. In the best news ever, Toby Young has been booted from the judging panel, and has been replaced by Eric Ripert. I have no idea whom to credit for this change, but once I figure it out, the thank you card is in the mail. The prizes will sound familiar to you: A feature in Food and Wine, a showcase at their event in Aspen, and $125,000.

Opening menu. We always tend to go a bit crazy on the first and last episodes of a season. This time around was no exception. LabRat made a tomato/basil/mozzarella salsa to top some bruschetta, and used tomatoes and basil he plucked from our garden the day before. I'm on a wild dessert tear, and made buttercream cupcakes. Tim outdid us all with candy sushi. I swear I was looking forward to a nice unagi roll before I realized it was made out of Rice Krispie Treats and gummi worms. The viewing party's Top Chef drinking game is also in effect, so feel free to play along at home. Rule #1: Take a drink whenever someone refers to getting "thrown under the bus". The observant among you will have realized that someone already said it in the opening montage, so knock back that glass!

Ready to get acquainted? Tiffany Derry is from Beaumont, Texas. She started work at the International House of Pancakes, and by simply deciding to always work harder than the people around her, has risen to be an executive chef in Dallas. Of course, judging by my local IHOP, it's not difficult to work harder than the other employees, but I like her style. She thinks it'd be nice to be the first African American contestant to win Top Chef. Ah, yes. As I mentioned in the blurblet for this episode, we have an incredibly refreshing cast on our hands. Last time around, the entire pool was lily white by episode seven. This time, nearly half of the contestants are minorities, and there isn't just one token black guy that gets punted when all of the cannon fodder is out of the way. Stephen Hopcraft is one of those unfortunate souls who has been kidnapped at gunpoint and forced to abandon his family to go on a reality show. Tracey Bloom is an executive chef in Atlanta, Georgia. I predict Dawn French will play her in the movie. Kenny Gilbert has been cooking since he was knee-high to a grasshopper. He's confident.

The chefs arrive on the rooftop of one of the Smithsonian buildings to meet and greet. Alex Reznik enjoys the view, and is looking forward to cooking in D.C. Kelly Liken owns a restaurant with her husband in Vail, Colorado. I'm always in awe and a little bit suspicious of couples who spend all day working together, then all night living together. There is something to be said for alone time. Kelly tells us that she was voted one of the top young, female chefs in the country. That's quite a few qualifiers. Did you guys know I was voted the best Jewish, bee-fearing, crossword-loving, public-transportation-commuting, television blogger in the country? Lynne Gigliotti works for the CIA. Not that CIA. She's an instructor at the Culinary Institute of America, and tells us with a bit of deadpan cattiness that she's not some flashy young star with tattoos and weird hair, but her food tastes good. I'm taking a real shine to her already. Oh, and speaking of weird hair, we see her chatting with a guy who doesn't seem to have noticed the rats' nest that has formed atop his head. Curiously, I haven't seen a single tattoo. That's strange, given the human canvases we had last season.

Arnold Myint is an executive chef and owns three restaurants. Geez, why does he even need to be on this show? Oh, he's the one whose family supports all those orphanages. That explains it. Kids ain't cheap. His bio video includes him dancing around his restaurant like he's backup for Lady Gaga. He also talks about getting a wardrobe stylist and facial before he came on the show, so it seems safe to say that Team Rainbow has a new recruit. Kevin Sbraga puts together a frou-frou plate in his bio video, then talks about how New Jersey chefs don't get enough respect. He's familiar with Kenny, and is unnerved to be competing against him, pegging him as his biggest threat. I always love how these people try to rank competitors in a cooking contest before a single dish has been prepared. Jacqueline Lombard is the traditional contestant who is "here to prove" that a self-taught, catering chef can win the competition.

Timothy Dean is the hometown hero, as he was born and raised in D.C. Hmm. It'll be tough to refer to the Tim and Tiffany of the viewing party when there are a Tim and Tiffany competing. Frankly, it seems as though the racial difference is the simplest one, so thanks for the candy sushi, WhiteTim! BlackTim wants to win in honor of his late wife. That ought to shut down anyone attempting to trash talk him. Angelo Sosa is easily identifiable as the unavoidable, arrogant contestant. That doesn't mean he's not talented, but I'm already bracing myself for choppy waters ahead.

Padma and Ptom come out to greet the chefs. Padma was putting on some baby weight at the time, and it really suits her. The rats' nest known as John Somerville finds it surreal to actually be in this situation. If I saw that head bent over a plate of my food, I'd be calling for the check. Ptom always sounds stilted and uncomfortable when he's forced to recite reality show patter, and his opening blather is no exception, so let's just skip ahead to this season's first...

Quickfire Challenge. It's a replay of the mise en place relay race. The first round will be to peel ten potatoes, after which the last five chefs will be eliminated. The remaining contestants will have to dice ten cups of onions, after which the last four chefs will be eliminated. The third round will be to break down four chickens, after which the last four chefs will be eliminated. The final four will have to cook a dish with the aforementioned ingredients to win the challenge and its attendant prize of $20,000. Not bad! Kevin would like to win. No way, really?!? The chefs take their starting positions. Ready? Go! Ptom stands over everyone with his tinny rape whistle and monitors their work. Kenny immediately leaps into the lead. Amanda Baumgarten has apparently seen Season Five's relay race, and decides to pay homage by pulling a Richard and gouging her hand.

Kenny is the first to finish, followed by Angelo. Others soon fall into place. When the round is over, Arnold, Kelly, Jacqueline, Amanda, and Stephen are the five eliminated chefs. The wardrobe stylist and facial didn't help peel potatoes faster? Damn! Round two begins. As befits his role as The Arrogant One, Angelo is more intent on beating Kenny than anything else. It doesn't work. Kenny once again leads the pack. After the onion settles, we meet Andrea Curto-Randazzo just in time to see her eliminated. Some guy we haven't met, along with Tracey and John are also cut. Round three begins. The whistle's note is barely done reverberating before Kenny is done yet again. He's followed by Angelo, Tim, and Kevin, so Lynne, Tiffany, Alex, and some lady we haven't met yet are out. In fact, they won't bother to introduce her for the whole hour, so let's do it now. Tamesha Warren, America. America, Tamesha Warren. Alex is mad, because he "was a quarter of a chicken away from $20,000". Well, sure. Who among us hasn't said that at some point in our lives?

After the commercials, we go into the final round. The final four chefs have half an hour to throw their dishes together. Tim works on a potato gallette with chicken and fresh herbs. Kevin is making a poached, boneless chicken wing in chicken broth with the onions, some potatoes, and mushroom. Kenny goes for Moroccan spice chicken two ways. He wants to show the other chefs that he's the alpha male of the group, but Lynne is more interested in cajoling the winner into buying them booze. I know it's only the first episode, but so far, every word out of her mouth makes me like her more. Angelo makes roasted chicken with a sauce of curried onion jam and potato noodles. Time winds down, and the chefs wrap up their preparations.

Padma and Ptom go down the line, then pronounce judgment (with a lovely shot of the Capitol in the background). Tim's dish had too much cream. Kevin's broth was too salty. That leaves it between Kenny and Angelo, which it will probably be for the remainder of the season. I hope there's a surprise or two down the line, because we really don't need another season of Golden Child domination. The ultimate winner of the challenge and the money is... Angelo. He's very pleased, saying that he'd like to win every single challenge. Golden Child status aside, I have the feeling that he's going to be disappointed on that score sooner rather than later.

Elimination Challenge. Padma explains that since they're in a place that represents all Americans, the chefs will be making a dish that represents where they're from. Hilariously, we see a proud Canadian flag waving in the background as she says this. The chefs will be serving 300 guests at the annual Cherry Blossom Festival. That sounds fun, although I find it a bit weird for the first challenge to be catering, because that's really not the best venue for the chefs to put their best, representative dishes forward. Ptom says that the chefs will be broken into four groups, and that within each group, someone will be up for the win, and someone will be up for elimination. The final four chefs of the Quickfire get to choose the chefs they'll be competing against in the mini-groups. Angelo gets to pick first, and the groups shake out to be:

Group #1: Angelo, Tiffany, Kelly, and John
Group #2: Kenny, Tracey, Lynne, and Stephen
Group #3: Kevin, Arnold, Amanda, and Jacqueline
Group #4: Tim, Alex, Tamesha, and Andrea

That leaves one odd man out, who's named Ed Cotton. He's miffed at being chosen last, and rattles off his impressive resume. Of course, he doesn't realize that being picked last would suggest the team-choosing chefs believe he's stronger rather than weaker, so he should probably leave "Critical Thinking" off of that CV. As the Quickfire winner, Angelo gets to place Ed, so he puts him in Kenny's group. The chefs will have $300 to shop, and four hours to prep, plus one hour to set up at the event.

The chefs head back to their living quarters, which turns out to be a beautiful townhouse. Rooms are divvied up via the time-tested method of sticking all the snorers together, although it looks like non-snorer Arnold may be stuck with log-sawing roommates. John kicks back and journals. I've freeze-framed the shot of his diary, and can make out "Tough nite sleeping as it always is in a big city. Lots of noise, lights, phones, and pillows that were a bit soft." What a goofball. Soft pillows are more of a distraction than sixteen roommates? And if you're going to take the trouble to write everything out, why not just go the extra letter and write night? His diary anticipates an upcoming challenge. Ya think? He also mentions something about the Easter Egg Roll at the White House, and Obama throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game. He interviews that he wants to "give the judges a piece of who [he is]." I'm sure anyone he's prepared food for without a hairnet has had a piece of him.

Shopping. Everyone floods the meat counter, because no matter what part of America you hail from, your food had better contain something that used to have a heartbeat. Jacqueline stocks up on chicken liver and spills apples all over the floor. John grabs a bunch of store-brand puff pastry that he's never tried before. Back at the Kitchen, prep time begins. Several chefs have spent some of their food budget on decorative flowers. The viewing party becomes a sea of heads shaking in disdain. The Reliably Shitty Titles Department gets an early jump this season by misidentifying the four hour prep time as one hour.

Timothy gets started on rockfish to symbolize the Chesapeake Bay region. Alex's family is from Russia (holla!), so he works on a deconstructed short rib borscht with creme fraiche. Alex is kind of cute when he's not wearing those hideously unflattering glasses. Amanda giggles that Kevin was silly for choosing her, because she's going to totally destroy him. If she can avoid chopping off more of her hand, that is. Kevin works on a sous vide Pennsylvania lamb with a lemon pistachio marmalade and spring onions. Sounds good. Jacqueline is making a duo of chicken liver mousse to put into apple cups. She decides to make it lighter by omitting a lot of the butter fat. Sure, why not make a completely unnecessary change to the taste and texture of mousse? It's not like you're being critiqued by a French judge or anything. Angelo has Arctic char with shallots, chili tapioca, and a smoked bacon froth. John is from Michigan. LabRat rolls his eyes. Apparently, they've got some good maple sap up there, so John is making a maple mousse Napoleon with macadamia nuts and vanilla sauce.

Tracey sizes up Stephen's food. He's making a potato-crusted ribeye to symbolize Ohio. Sounds good to me. It does not sound good to Tracey, because the only food served between New York and Las Vegas is pig slop. What a twat. Kenny is representing Colorado with a cinnamon-coffee-rubbed trout with a black bean mole, goat cheese polenta, and quinoa.

LabRat: "Ah, yes. When I think of Colorado, I always think of mole and quinoa."

Meanwhile, John has already ruined his macadamia nuts by setting the oven incorrectly. I hate to keep making fun of him, because he seems like a lovely guy, but come on. I need something to work with here. If a reality show competitor wants me on their team, being nice is great, but they also have to be either competent or funny. Miraculously good-looking doesn't hurt, either. Where was I going with this idea? Oh, yeah. John's a mess. Jacqueline decides not to strain her chicken liver puree. She calls this "risky", but a "safe bet". Um. Do these sentences not pass through some sort of logic filter before they leave her mouth? Time runs out, and through the magic of television, we arrive at the event hall. The chefs do their final preparations. Jacqueline discovers that the mousse has not magically strained itself on the trip over, and is grainy. She tries to cook it down to a smoother texture.

Guests begin to arrive. Serving gets underway. The judges stride in, led by Padma's newly-swelled breasts. She, Ptom, Gail, and Eric head for Amanda's table first. Amanda has made neo-classical Californian food. Bleh. It's a red snapper carpaccio with clementines, sencha oil, and a daikon/caraway gelee. Arnold explains that he's from Nashville. So, seafood? I'm sorry, is it too soon for that joke? Arnold also has a Thai background, so he's made a kaffir lime and basil cake with a palm sugar anglaise, and a "Myint" julep. That's a pretty weak tie to Tennessee, but it looks like a nice dish, overall. Kevin presents his lamb. Jacqueline explains that she's made a low-fat chicken liver mousse. Gail is already horrified by the idea. Tasting #1. Amanda's fish is messy and underseasoned. Kevin's lamb is tender and tasty. Jacqueline's grainy mousse is universally disliked. Arnold's dish isn't discussed on camera.

Commercials. As we return, Bravo sneaks in a shot of a gay couple holding hands on their way in to the festival. Don't let any military personnel see you! Stephen has accented his potato-crusted ribeye with a celery root puree and a scarlet stadium mustard vinaigrette. Heh. I like that stadium mustard touch. Ed is from Boston, and has made sauteed cod cakes with Boston baked beans and a shaved fennel salad. Lynne is from the New York area, and has a corn-camembert ice cream on waffles, with a bacon-praline and caramel sauce. Curiosity about that corn aside, it looks wonderful. Tracey is from Atlanta, and has made stone-ground grits, with rock shrimp and a maple cheddar sauce. Kenny has the aforementioned trout. Tasting #2. Tracey's shrimp is bland. How can that be?!?! She's from a city!!!!!! Ed's cod has too much breading. Stephen's ribeye just tastes like deep-fried anything. One of the guys from The Bachelor didn't like it either, as if anyone gives a good goddamn what he thinks about anything. Kenny's is the only one to get a positive reaction (although Lynne's food isn't mentioned). Looks like he chose his "team" well.

Alex presents his borscht. Tamesha finally gets to open her mouth. She's from Barbados originally, and has made a jerk chicken sphere on top of polenta, with mango, papaya, and jicama. Andrea was inspired by Miami Italian food. I wasn't aware that Miami had that many Italians. She's made pork with chorizo/potato gnocchi, calabaza squash, and an orange gremolata. Tim's pan-seared rockfish includes pickled leek, dill, and a grilled crostini, finished with ginger and sesame seeds. Tasting #3. Andrea's food is good, but has little to do with Miami. Alex's borscht is a big hit, both taste-wise and as a method of deconstruction. Tim's sauces are indistinct, and his fish had too thick a skin on it to cook well. Tamesha is ignored yet again.

Tiffany is from Texas, and wanted to give her food some Southern flair. She's made a Cajun shrimp and crawfish salad, with some chicken-fried tomatillos and a bacon-sherry vinaigrette. Yes, please. Kelly, who bragged earlier that she had this challenge in the bag because she cooks regional cuisine every day at her restaurant in Colorado, has made New York strip steak. As a dish to represent where she's from. In Colorado. A New York strip steak. Whatever. Anyway, it's crusted in spices, and served with fiddlehead fern and a wild mushroom sauce. Angelo represents small town Connecticut with his Arctic char. John presents his maple Napoleon. Tasting #4. Angelo's fish is great, though Gail and Ptom have a slight disagreement over the amount of dill in it. Angelo tells some guests that they can lick their bowls, but his pronunciation, along with a high level of background noise, makes it sound like Angelo just told a group of complete strangers to go lick their balls. Kelly's steak is well-seasoned. John's maple mousse is nothing but sugar. The judges taste no maple at all. Tiffany's food isn't mentioned. The event winds down.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs settle in for the fret 'n sweat. Padma comes in and summons Kevin, Alex, Kenny, and Angelo to Judges' Table. They're told they are the top of their groups. That's three of the top four Quickfire placers. I guess Tim didn't do such a good job of choosing competitors. Gail's initial impression of Kenny's plate was that it needed editing, but she has to admit that it turned out to be extremely well-balanced. Kevin's was the exact opposite; it looked overly simple until the judges tasted it. The components of Angelo's dish all made themselves known, and were all wonderful. Alex did a great job of deconstructing his borscht. Eric gets to announce the winner, which is... Angelo. Wow, the rare double win! He's very proud of himself, saying that he's going to "set the presidents" for the whole season. I know we're in D.C., but precendents, Angelo. Unless this is just another weird speech pattern of his, and he really did want those people to lick their balls. No prize is given. Only the duty to inform the bottom four that they're wanted at Losers' Table.

Angelo tells the waiting chefs that the judges want to see Stephen, John, Tim, and Jacqueline. Tim is confused and flustered. The four of them trudge out to the dining room, where the judges inform them that they had the least successful dishes of the evening. Now, in the first challenge, the chefs have a unique opportunity not available in later challenges. This is probably the only episode in which "I thought I could pull this off, because X, Y, and Z, but here's why it didn't work out," could be accepted as a legitimate excuse. As long as you can articulately explain where you went wrong, you'll probably get a second chance. Let's see how these four handle it, shall we? Stephen's ribeye was so thin that it was destined to be overcooked. He says he thought he could crisp the outside so that the inside remained medium rare, but couldn't. Eric tells him his meat turned out like chicken nuggets.

Jacqueline had a bad concept from the beginning. Liver is supposed to be fatty. If you thought "this is risky, but a safe bet" was the most illogical, stupid thing she could ever say, prepare to be amazed. "I've never made these without my recipes. I've served this dish hundreds of times around the country." Oy. Does she do this a lot? "I wanted to stay clean, so I jumped in a mud puddle." "I'm a staunch Republican, so I voted for Bill Clinton." Ptom asks her if she's made it hundreds of times, or just served it hundreds of times. She tries to dance around that question by admitting it was underseasoned, but Ptom nails her, saying that's not what he asked her. She says she's made it hundreds of times, and Ptom wonders why she needs a recipe. She doesn't really have a response to that, muttering that it's not memorized. Well, I guess Jill can take heart. She no longer holds the record for the worst defense of her food.

John's food had no maple flavor and the puff pastry was soggy. John admits that buying pre-prepared pastry might not have been the right choice, but that it was just an instrument to bring the mousse up to the mouth. Double oy. Would that be the mousse that the judges just said they didn't like? Gail points out that the pastry made up a good third of the plate, so John can't really act like it was some inconsequential component. John says that he guesses that he just did something stupid. Triple oy. Tim liked his cut of rockfish, but Eric says that leaving the skin on made it chewy and unpleasant. Ptom brings up the fact that Tim had his choice of competitors, and here he sits at the bottom of his self-selected pile. Tim says he's let himself down more than the judges, but knows that he can put forth better food, given the chance. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. The bottom four made a lot of mistakes. John not only had bad food, but buying pre-prepared dough doesn't fit the challenge parameter of representing himself. His cream was grainy and thin. Stephen had a bad idea when it came to preparation technique, and got caught up in his background story. Jacqueline had a better idea, but made a terrible mousse. The judges can't believe she used low-fat liver as a selling point. Tim's fish skin ruined everything. The judges reach a decision.

Interstitial. Some of the chefs spend the long wait during the fret 'n sweat playing games. Some of the other chefs disapprove. I fail to care.

Elimination. The bottom four chefs all had execution problems. Ptom tells Stephen that if "Cleveland rocks," his dish certainly didn't. I don't know who puts these terrible puns and attempts at acerbic wit into Ptom's scripts, but I wish they'd stop. He can't sell them. That's not an insult; he does well when he's simply explaining his reaction to something. They need to just let him be direct, and stop trying to make him a showman. Jacqueline's mousse was completely terrible. The only thing John represented was a first-year pastry student. Tim could have done a better job with his fish and a much better job representing his region. We go over to Padma for the chop. John. Please pack your knives and go. I sure am glad that there's a dessert iteration of this show coming up, because the contestants in this main version prove over and over again how hard they suck at it. Except for my girl Carla. Hootie!

John thanks the judges for the opportunity, and leaks some tears in his final interview. Aw. He admits that making a dessert on this show is always a big risk, which is why I wonder why he chose to take that risk on the first challenge. Play to your strengths first - then prove you can go outside of your comfort zone. He gets good-bye hugs back in the Kitchen, and tells us that he feels like he's let down his family and supporters back home. Oh, I wouldn't say that, necessarily. Some people just aren't cut out for this kind of contest; it doesn't mean they can't cook. Still, I have to admit that not having to look at giant, nasty dreads for the rest of the season is a definite perk.

This season on Top Chef: Washington. Running. Cooking. Holy shitballs. Yelling. Fighting. The CIA. This time, it is that CIA. Baseball. Boats. Rambunctious children. Crying. Cursing. Astronauts. Mike, for some inconceivable reason. Nancy Pelosi. Angelo is "literally going to be a sniper". AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That's it. I've decided that every time someone misuses literally, they owe me a dollar. I'll be a millionaire in five years.

Overall Grade: B