And the Winner Izzzzz.....

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 14

Previously on Top Chef: A season of Top Chef. More specifically, Kelly got eliminated, along with any hope of a satisfying end to this dismal season. Three chefs remain. Who will be Top Chef?

Opening menu. In addition to the regular grub, Panny and Phooey brought along some falafel and hummus. It may not have been Singaporean, but it was tasty. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for Drinking Game tipoffs! Believe me, you'll need something to entertain you for the next hour.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. As you may remember, the final three chefs were summoned back to Judges' Table mere moments after it ended. When they go back out, they discover that the knife block has been set up. Padma tells them that in order to give them as much time as possible to plan their final meal, the challenge will be given out now. Each of the chefs will prepare four courses. The first course will be a vegetable course, the second will be fish, the third will be meat, and the fourth will be the dreaded dessert. Oddly, the chefs will have no control over which meat and fish to cook with; Eric and Ptom will be choosing proteins for them. Sure, why not restrict what food they can use here in the third episode? Makes sense to me! What's that you say? It's not the third episode? It is, in fact, the finale, after which we're supposed to know who the most talented chef is? Even though they aren't able to express any kind of individuality via ingredient selection in the two main courses? Maybe it's handy that I don't care who wins now. If I did, this would infuriate me.

Speaking of infuriating, let's meet the guest sous chefs! Are they celebrity cooks? Are they eliminated contestants? Nope, it's previous winners. Hey, that's a great idea. I mean there have been six seasons, and three of the winners have been kind of assy, but the chances that they'd be the three... Oh. They are. Actually, I'm not being entirely fair. Hung and Michael V. weren't my favorite people, but I certainly couldn't begrudge them the win based on talent, and I've frankly mellowed on both of them since their seasons. Ilan, on the other hand, is the biggest cockbite this show has ever cast. The fact that they rewarded him with the win brought me within a hare's breath of never watching the show again, and the fact that they keep bringing him back, like he's some kind of beloved elder statesman, is salt on the wound.

The chefs pick knives to see which sous chef they'll be working with. All of them hope to either get Michael or Hung. See? Go away, Ilan. Go away forever. Ed picks first and gets Ilan. Wah-wah. Kevin gets Michael, which he's thrilled with, because they used to work with each other and still maintain a friendly relationship. That leaves Hung with Angelo, which pleases Angelo no end. Back at the hotel, the chefs get to know their sous chefs a bit better. Angelo feels a bit ill, and turns in early to try and sleep it off. The previous winners tell the contestants not to try anything fancy, and just cook their own style of food. Which they can't do because they don't get to choose their main ingredients, but whatever. Everyone turns in for the night.

In the morning, Angelo feels no better, and a doctor is brought in to examine him. After he looks him over, he gives him about a 20% chance of being well enough to cook the final meal. In the meantime, Hung will have to communicate with him by phone in order to shop and prep as much as he can for him. Sounds sucky. Before they head off to the store, though, Eric and Ptom present the proteins for the fish and meat courses. The fish is red mullet, cuttlefish, cockles, and slipper lobster. The meats are pork belly and duck. The duck is a full bird; plucked, but not broken down. In order to stifle creativity even further, the main component of the fish course MUST be the mullet, and the main component of the meat course MUST be the duck, and the other proteins MUST be incorporated somewhere. Whoever designed this as the final challenge MUST be shrooming.

Shopping. There's a $300 budget. Weirdly, every single sign in the grocery store is in English, with American pricing. Ilan gets on Ed's nerves. Please. You don't even have to have a nervous system for Ilan to get on your nerves. Ilan could get on a coral reef's nerves. Hung does the best he can at trying to get the necessary ingredients with only Angelo's sickly phone voice for help.

LabRat: "And this year's Top Chef is... Hung again!"

Heh. I could actually get behind that. Shopping winds down, and the chefs head back to the kitchen for their three hours of prep. Hung grabs the limited amount of foie gras, so Kevin and Ed have to scramble to come up with different ideas. Lots of prep work is done. Hung's spastic nature works to his advantage, and he tears through a huge chunk of work. Ed gives full control of the dessert to Ilan. Wah-wah. Back at the hotel, the doctor is telling Angelo that an antibiotic injection may improve his condition, even if the chances aren't great. Angelo's willing to try, and drops trou. The next day, he's still not feeling 100% better, but his symptoms have abated enough for him to cook without bringing all the diners down with dysentery. That's nice for them (and of course for him), but it sure would have injected some much-needed excitement into this snoozer of a finale.

The chefs get another three hours of prep. Kevin discusses plating with Michael, who wonders what the other two competitors are going to do. "That's their problem," Kevin sniffs. "I'm not here to be nice." DRINK! Angelo is happy with the mountain of work that Hung was able to get through. He's not entirely satisfied with the menu, but recognizes that he should be grateful that he's able to compete at all at this point. The final three dissect each other's chances of winning. Time winds down, and the chefs get everything plated. The diners get seated. A lot of Names are present, as usual.

First course. Keep in mind that this is the vegetable course, and see if you can pick out what's weird. I'll leave you little clues. Angelo has pickled royale mushrooms, with char siu bao PORK BELLY, on a bed of noodles and watermelon tea. Kevin has an eggplant/zucchini/pepper terrine, with tomato, jalapeno, and a black garlic puree. I bet I'd like that one. Ed has a chilled summer corn veloute, with fried black COCKLES. The diners tuck in. Angelo's dish has very bold and local flavors, but Ptom thinks it needs work. Susan Feniger thinks Kevin's needs some oomph, and playfully hits the Name next to her when he disagrees. Eric agrees with another French Name that Ed's dish was well done.

Second course. Angelo has put the sauteed red mullet into Asian-style bouillabaisse, with poached cuttlefish. Kevin has pan-seared mullet, with cuttlefish "noodles", pork belly, cockles, slipper lobster, and cigala. Ed has stuffed red mullet, with glazed slipper lobster, and cuttlefish with zucchini pesto. Wow, I sure do love seeing the same six ingredients over and over again. It's super exciting. Tasting. Kevin gets positive reviews. Ed's dish is overcomplicated. Angelo's broth is tasty and memorable.

Meat course. Angelo has sauteed duck breast with foie gras topped with a cinnamon marshmallow and a tart cherry shooter on the side. Ew. Kevin has roasted duck breast with a duck dumpling, caramelized bok choy, and orange/coriander sauce. Ed has done duck two ways. There's roasted breast, and there's braised, stuffed duck neck with baby spinach. Tasting. Kevin's dumpling is nice, and his duck is the best cooked of the bunch. Angelo's plate is good, aside from the cherry shot, which nobody likes or understands. Ed's dish is layered with flavor, and his greens are outstanding.

Dessert course. Ed isn't entirely pleased with Ilan's cake or the cream that goes with it. Well, perhaps you could have spent some of the final challenge helping plan or execute your own dessert. Just a thought. The plates go out. Angelo's "Thai Jewel" is a coconut/vanilla cream with crushed ice and exotic fruits. Or as they call them in Singapore... Fruits. Kevin presents an updated version of the Singapore Sling. The frozen drink is on top, and below it lurks a bunch of tropical fruit. Ed has sticky toffee date pudding, with "fleur de sel creme chantilly", a fancy way of saying "whipped cream with salt in it". Kevin's interpretation of the Singapore Sling gets a lot of yummy noises from the diners. Angelo's dessert was comforting, but borders on the savory. Ed's dessert is meh. It's okay, but nothing special.

The chefs try each other's food back in the kitchen, and say nice things about what their competitors put out. They then emerge to applause from the diners, and though I know I can't reach through the television and taste anyone's food (would that I could), nothing I just saw looked that impressive or that terrible. Except the cherry shooter. Maybe if the chefs had been allowed free reign to cook their final meal, we could have seen someone really play to their strengths and put up an outstanding dish. Padma raises her glass and thanks the other diners, which shifts us directly into Judges' Table.

The judges do their best to convince us that the meal blew them away, but it seems cursory. The chefs are brought out, and Padma thanks them for an amazing meal, in same tone of voice that you'd use to thank someone for pointing out that your shoelace is untied. Angelo's fish course had a great broth, and embraced local culture, but his meat course cherry shooter was a terrible idea. Ed's stuffed duck neck was a great addition, and his spinach was beautiful. His dessert was bland and unimpressive. Ed attempts to explain himself by essentially saying that he didn't want to do an actually impressive dessert at the risk of messing it up. Because there are so many more challenges to prove yourself?

Panny: "Wow, I've never seen someone throw himself under the bus so effectively."

Kevin's vegetable course could have used a bit more spice. His duck was superbly cooked, and his dessert was fantastic. The chefs are dismissed. Deliberations. The judges continue trying to convince us that the challenge idea was awesome. I continue to disagree. Angelo's vegetable course was too heavy, while Kevin's was timid, and Ed's was flavorful. Ed's fish course was confusing, Kevin's was in harmony, and Angelo's was great. Angelo fell down on the meat course, though. Ed did a great job conceiving his duck course, while Kevin executed his well. Angelo and Kevin did a wonderful job with dessert, while Ed's was shockingly pedestrian. The judges reach a decision. I reach for a second cup of coffee so I can stay awake.

Final decision. Ptom says that the winner is the chef who took the most risks, and made the best overall meal. That winner is... Kevin. The other two congratulate him. The judges do the same before the group is joined by the sous chefs and Kelly, who I guess was allowed to hang around so everyone could go back together and save on airfare. Angelo and Ed both interview that they're very happy for Kevin. Kevin himself is thrilled to be the first African American Top Chef, and can't wait to share the news with his friends, family, and the guys at the barbershop.

Tim: "Ice Cube is waiting at home to congratulate him."

So, there you go. Let's get right to the season postmortem, I guess. This... Was not a good one. It's not often that I can't really articulate why I didn't like something, but I am finding it a bit difficult to pinpoint why this season was so disappointing. Is it the whole Kenny thing? I spent the first part of the season raging against his "obvious" win being telegraphed. That feeling ruined a lot of episodes for me, so does the fact that I was wrong, wrong, wrong mean that those episodes weren't so horrendous after all? I can't go back and adjust my past self's reaction, so I still don't look at those episodes with any fondness, but how can I hold the show responsible for that?

Is it the whole Kevin thing? I made no secret of the fact that I consider him a pill, and crowning the guy who won one challenge (perhaps one and a quarter, if you count his team Quickfire) as the best of the bunch doesn't make much sense. But by the same token, Ptom said that the winner had the riskiest, best final meal, and looking back, I have to agree that that person is Kevin. His vegetable course didn't rely on meat, his cuttlefish "noodles" were a great idea, his duck was cooked the best, and his dessert was nearly declared a Singaporean national treasure on the spot. And his conduct really wasn't that bad. I'm not aching to go out for a beer with him, but he didn't annoy me half as much as other contestants have.

Is it the fact that the challenges in the final few episodes were so poorly planned? Nothing about Quickfire immunity for the final four, messing with the chefs' plans in order to pad your party menu, or composing the show-us-your-best meal of the same six proteins is a good idea. A lot of this season's challenges were brilliant, but if you end your song on a hideous, jarring chord, that's all the audience is going to remember.

Is it the fact that it's coming on the heels of a terrific season, in which any of the final four could probably have whomped the winners of any other season? Whose food would you go running for: Winner Kevin's or Third-Place Kevin's?

None of these reasons is that much cause for placing this season as my second-to-least favorite. And yet it is. Only Season 2 was worse, and that's because they could barely find the time to even mention food, because they had to spend every episode displaying a disgusting array of screaming and assault. This was a pretty genial, wonderfully diverse cast. This season had every reason to succeed. Why did it land with such a thud?

Overall Grade: C
Overall Season Grade: C-