Smarm-to-Table

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 14

Previously on Top Chef: Jacques Pepin tasked the chefs with emulating one of his signature dishes, but didn't mention that he generally gets more than thirty-five minutes to pull it off. Nicholas took the Quickfire win and immunity. AND IMMUNITY, I SAID. In the Elimination Challenge, the chefs split into French and Spanish teams, but nobody wedged themselves in the middle while waving the flag of Andorra. Nina led the Spanish team to a win, while Nicholas' poor dishes sank the French. His immunity shielded him from elimination, so the chop fell on poor Stephanie, instead. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. The chefs are joined in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Roy Choi. Roy helped kick off the food truck craze in Los Angeles with his innovative taco ideas. Innovative Taco Ideas will be the title of my autobiography, by the way. Putting a creative spin on tacos is understandable in L.A., but since we're in New Orleans, today's challenge will be to put a creative spin on something much more regionally appropriate: The Po'Boy Sandwich. Mmmm, I could go for one of those right now. Damned post-new-year diets. The chefs only have twenty minutes to throw something together, and unbelievably, immunity is still up for grabs. Seriously? Someone gets to coast into the final four on a twenty-minute sandwich? Whatever. Padma starts the clock.

Unsurprisingly, with such a tight time limit, the chefs immediately back into their comfort zones. Nina goes for an island feel, Shirley opts for Asian style, Carlos makes al pastor, and so on. When time runs out, Padma and Roy go down the line. Nicholas has a cornmeal-encrusted shrimp po'boy with spicy mayo, fennel, and pancetta. Shirley's Asian po'boy involves catfish in a soy/garlic glaze. Nina has fried Mahi Mahi with pickled onions. Brian makes a po'boy with lobster and gochujang aioli. It also involves pickled cabbage. Carlos has made an al pastor po'boy of marinated pork with chili, pineapple, onion, and roasted garlic. When it comes time for the final decision, Roy basically blasts all five chefs for being boring, uncreative, and too "chefy".

I can't taste the food, of course, so I have no idea if these sandwiches were truly disappointing or not. What I can tell you, though, is that this is not the first time a guest judge who considers themselves a creative genius is an arrogant douche about other people's efforts. I think there's a direct correlation between ego and criticism with some of these judges. It's not attractive. The worst of it is when Roy scoffs about Carlos' dish not being "real" al pastor. Sure, I'll go ahead and buy that from the South Korean American, rather than the Mexican chef from Mexico. Anyhow, though nobody impresses King Roy, the award for the least disastrous po'boy goes to... Shirley! Yay! I'm still a bit gobsmacked that someone just earned final four placement on what was deemed a boring sandwich, but I adore Shirley, so I'm fine with it.

Elimination Challenge. Actor/Director/Unfortunate Beard Haver Jon Favreau enters the Kitchen. His new film, Chef, is briefly described, and I've got to say, it looks pretty intriguing. He tells the contestants that for today's challenge, they'll have to make their dishes using only what can be found in dumpsters all around New Orleans. There's a beat before he tells them that he's totally kidding. Ha! Nice burn. Shirley, in particular, looked like she was about to have a massive coronary. The real Elimination Challenge will be to create a dish that represents a turning point in the chefs' careers. That's vague to the point of pointless. It's not a complaint; I like challenges where the chefs have a degree of freedom. It's just that they can basically make whatever they want and claim it figures into their past in a significant way. The chefs play fair, though, because you can actively see the wheels spinning in their brains. The meals will be presented at a restaurant that serves as a charity to teach culinary skills to at-risk youth. There's an idea I can get behind. I think everyone should work a service job for a couple of years when they're young - it teaches invaluable lessons.

Shopping. Nicholas buys a metric ton of carrots. In the prep kitchen, he sets up some pots, and snaps at Carlos when he moves them to another burner. So yeah, on the one hand, who cares which burner your pot is on as long as they're all functional? On the other, I can't fault Nicholas for not wanting Carlos to interact with his stuff in any way, shape, or form. Nina attempts to make stuffed pasta. She quickly runs into trouble when the heat of the kitchen ruins the dough. She scraps the filled-pasta idea, and goes for fettuccine instead. Brian is working with boneless, skinless chicken breast. Cue the needle scratch on the record. Boneless, skinless chicken breast may be a staple in most American home kitchens, thanks to its affordability, versatility, and health benefits. But to a chef, there's apparently nothing more flavorless or unwelcome. Nina treats Brian's use of it as if he were throwing together a dish made out of goat poop. Towards the end of prep time, Nicholas finds that his quinoa is burnt. It's totally ruined, so he won't be able to use it as the textural element he hoped. He doesn't know if he set the oven temperature incorrectly, or if someone (hint, hint) is sabotaging him. Come on, dude. Carlos is a bit thoughtless, but he's not manipulative or villainous. Sack up and take responsibility for your mistakes. Time runs out.

Service. Shirley has made crispy-skinned snapper with crustacean broth, tofu, and Napa cabbage with melted leek. Yuuuuum. She says that her dish is inspired by the "turning point" of her being on the show (and the Vietnamese shrimp challenge in particular). I'm happy to see that the servers are allowed to have a plate of all the chefs' dishes as well as the diners. Nina brings out her fettuccine with charred calamari, crab, and pine nut gremolata. Does everything sound so great today because the chefs are stepping it up, or because I'm so hungry? Brian has a chicken anticucho with twice-cooked potatoes and a feta walnut pesto. Emeril finds the potato severely undercooked, and the judges are as aghast as Nina was about the boneless, skinless chicken breast. Execute him! Carlos presents braised pork belly with sweet potato puree and a chipotle tamarind glaze. It looks pretty damned tasty. Nicholas brings out his carrots-a-million-ways dish, and explains his problem with the ruined quinoa. The judges agree that there's a real textural problem with the dish, but also that the fish is under-seasoned, which seems to be Nicholas' curse ever since Justin left.

Judges' Table. All five chefs are called in for feedback. Shirley's dish is roundly praised, and her sauces get better by the week. Carlos' dish was thought-out and bursting with flavor. Nina's dish was well-balanced, and the pasta came out perfect. The winner by a hair is... Shirley! Hooray! That leaves Brian and Nicholas in the bottom. Brian is excoriated for his protein choice, and I mean, come on, guys. We get it. Chicken skin is yummy. He didn't murder a prostitute. His underdone potatoes are also a big source of consternation. Nicholas should have just skipped serving fish altogether and focused on his carrots. The lack of quinoa hurt his plan, but not all of the blame for his misfire can be pinned on that. Tom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Brian. Please pack your knives and go. Brian is classy and mature in his final interview, but is visibly surprised by his ouster. Yeah, we thought Nicholas was going, too. I guess we can all take a lesson from this: Using skinless, boneless chicken breast is worse than fifteen Hiroshimas.

Overall Grade: C+

And the Winner Izzzzz.....

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 14

Previously on Top Chef: A season of Top Chef. More specifically, Kelly got eliminated, along with any hope of a satisfying end to this dismal season. Three chefs remain. Who will be Top Chef?

Opening menu. In addition to the regular grub, Panny and Phooey brought along some falafel and hummus. It may not have been Singaporean, but it was tasty. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for Drinking Game tipoffs! Believe me, you'll need something to entertain you for the next hour.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. As you may remember, the final three chefs were summoned back to Judges' Table mere moments after it ended. When they go back out, they discover that the knife block has been set up. Padma tells them that in order to give them as much time as possible to plan their final meal, the challenge will be given out now. Each of the chefs will prepare four courses. The first course will be a vegetable course, the second will be fish, the third will be meat, and the fourth will be the dreaded dessert. Oddly, the chefs will have no control over which meat and fish to cook with; Eric and Ptom will be choosing proteins for them. Sure, why not restrict what food they can use here in the third episode? Makes sense to me! What's that you say? It's not the third episode? It is, in fact, the finale, after which we're supposed to know who the most talented chef is? Even though they aren't able to express any kind of individuality via ingredient selection in the two main courses? Maybe it's handy that I don't care who wins now. If I did, this would infuriate me.

Speaking of infuriating, let's meet the guest sous chefs! Are they celebrity cooks? Are they eliminated contestants? Nope, it's previous winners. Hey, that's a great idea. I mean there have been six seasons, and three of the winners have been kind of assy, but the chances that they'd be the three... Oh. They are. Actually, I'm not being entirely fair. Hung and Michael V. weren't my favorite people, but I certainly couldn't begrudge them the win based on talent, and I've frankly mellowed on both of them since their seasons. Ilan, on the other hand, is the biggest cockbite this show has ever cast. The fact that they rewarded him with the win brought me within a hare's breath of never watching the show again, and the fact that they keep bringing him back, like he's some kind of beloved elder statesman, is salt on the wound.

The chefs pick knives to see which sous chef they'll be working with. All of them hope to either get Michael or Hung. See? Go away, Ilan. Go away forever. Ed picks first and gets Ilan. Wah-wah. Kevin gets Michael, which he's thrilled with, because they used to work with each other and still maintain a friendly relationship. That leaves Hung with Angelo, which pleases Angelo no end. Back at the hotel, the chefs get to know their sous chefs a bit better. Angelo feels a bit ill, and turns in early to try and sleep it off. The previous winners tell the contestants not to try anything fancy, and just cook their own style of food. Which they can't do because they don't get to choose their main ingredients, but whatever. Everyone turns in for the night.

In the morning, Angelo feels no better, and a doctor is brought in to examine him. After he looks him over, he gives him about a 20% chance of being well enough to cook the final meal. In the meantime, Hung will have to communicate with him by phone in order to shop and prep as much as he can for him. Sounds sucky. Before they head off to the store, though, Eric and Ptom present the proteins for the fish and meat courses. The fish is red mullet, cuttlefish, cockles, and slipper lobster. The meats are pork belly and duck. The duck is a full bird; plucked, but not broken down. In order to stifle creativity even further, the main component of the fish course MUST be the mullet, and the main component of the meat course MUST be the duck, and the other proteins MUST be incorporated somewhere. Whoever designed this as the final challenge MUST be shrooming.

Shopping. There's a $300 budget. Weirdly, every single sign in the grocery store is in English, with American pricing. Ilan gets on Ed's nerves. Please. You don't even have to have a nervous system for Ilan to get on your nerves. Ilan could get on a coral reef's nerves. Hung does the best he can at trying to get the necessary ingredients with only Angelo's sickly phone voice for help.

LabRat: "And this year's Top Chef is... Hung again!"

Heh. I could actually get behind that. Shopping winds down, and the chefs head back to the kitchen for their three hours of prep. Hung grabs the limited amount of foie gras, so Kevin and Ed have to scramble to come up with different ideas. Lots of prep work is done. Hung's spastic nature works to his advantage, and he tears through a huge chunk of work. Ed gives full control of the dessert to Ilan. Wah-wah. Back at the hotel, the doctor is telling Angelo that an antibiotic injection may improve his condition, even if the chances aren't great. Angelo's willing to try, and drops trou. The next day, he's still not feeling 100% better, but his symptoms have abated enough for him to cook without bringing all the diners down with dysentery. That's nice for them (and of course for him), but it sure would have injected some much-needed excitement into this snoozer of a finale.

The chefs get another three hours of prep. Kevin discusses plating with Michael, who wonders what the other two competitors are going to do. "That's their problem," Kevin sniffs. "I'm not here to be nice." DRINK! Angelo is happy with the mountain of work that Hung was able to get through. He's not entirely satisfied with the menu, but recognizes that he should be grateful that he's able to compete at all at this point. The final three dissect each other's chances of winning. Time winds down, and the chefs get everything plated. The diners get seated. A lot of Names are present, as usual.

First course. Keep in mind that this is the vegetable course, and see if you can pick out what's weird. I'll leave you little clues. Angelo has pickled royale mushrooms, with char siu bao PORK BELLY, on a bed of noodles and watermelon tea. Kevin has an eggplant/zucchini/pepper terrine, with tomato, jalapeno, and a black garlic puree. I bet I'd like that one. Ed has a chilled summer corn veloute, with fried black COCKLES. The diners tuck in. Angelo's dish has very bold and local flavors, but Ptom thinks it needs work. Susan Feniger thinks Kevin's needs some oomph, and playfully hits the Name next to her when he disagrees. Eric agrees with another French Name that Ed's dish was well done.

Second course. Angelo has put the sauteed red mullet into Asian-style bouillabaisse, with poached cuttlefish. Kevin has pan-seared mullet, with cuttlefish "noodles", pork belly, cockles, slipper lobster, and cigala. Ed has stuffed red mullet, with glazed slipper lobster, and cuttlefish with zucchini pesto. Wow, I sure do love seeing the same six ingredients over and over again. It's super exciting. Tasting. Kevin gets positive reviews. Ed's dish is overcomplicated. Angelo's broth is tasty and memorable.

Meat course. Angelo has sauteed duck breast with foie gras topped with a cinnamon marshmallow and a tart cherry shooter on the side. Ew. Kevin has roasted duck breast with a duck dumpling, caramelized bok choy, and orange/coriander sauce. Ed has done duck two ways. There's roasted breast, and there's braised, stuffed duck neck with baby spinach. Tasting. Kevin's dumpling is nice, and his duck is the best cooked of the bunch. Angelo's plate is good, aside from the cherry shot, which nobody likes or understands. Ed's dish is layered with flavor, and his greens are outstanding.

Dessert course. Ed isn't entirely pleased with Ilan's cake or the cream that goes with it. Well, perhaps you could have spent some of the final challenge helping plan or execute your own dessert. Just a thought. The plates go out. Angelo's "Thai Jewel" is a coconut/vanilla cream with crushed ice and exotic fruits. Or as they call them in Singapore... Fruits. Kevin presents an updated version of the Singapore Sling. The frozen drink is on top, and below it lurks a bunch of tropical fruit. Ed has sticky toffee date pudding, with "fleur de sel creme chantilly", a fancy way of saying "whipped cream with salt in it". Kevin's interpretation of the Singapore Sling gets a lot of yummy noises from the diners. Angelo's dessert was comforting, but borders on the savory. Ed's dessert is meh. It's okay, but nothing special.

The chefs try each other's food back in the kitchen, and say nice things about what their competitors put out. They then emerge to applause from the diners, and though I know I can't reach through the television and taste anyone's food (would that I could), nothing I just saw looked that impressive or that terrible. Except the cherry shooter. Maybe if the chefs had been allowed free reign to cook their final meal, we could have seen someone really play to their strengths and put up an outstanding dish. Padma raises her glass and thanks the other diners, which shifts us directly into Judges' Table.

The judges do their best to convince us that the meal blew them away, but it seems cursory. The chefs are brought out, and Padma thanks them for an amazing meal, in same tone of voice that you'd use to thank someone for pointing out that your shoelace is untied. Angelo's fish course had a great broth, and embraced local culture, but his meat course cherry shooter was a terrible idea. Ed's stuffed duck neck was a great addition, and his spinach was beautiful. His dessert was bland and unimpressive. Ed attempts to explain himself by essentially saying that he didn't want to do an actually impressive dessert at the risk of messing it up. Because there are so many more challenges to prove yourself?

Panny: "Wow, I've never seen someone throw himself under the bus so effectively."

Kevin's vegetable course could have used a bit more spice. His duck was superbly cooked, and his dessert was fantastic. The chefs are dismissed. Deliberations. The judges continue trying to convince us that the challenge idea was awesome. I continue to disagree. Angelo's vegetable course was too heavy, while Kevin's was timid, and Ed's was flavorful. Ed's fish course was confusing, Kevin's was in harmony, and Angelo's was great. Angelo fell down on the meat course, though. Ed did a great job conceiving his duck course, while Kevin executed his well. Angelo and Kevin did a wonderful job with dessert, while Ed's was shockingly pedestrian. The judges reach a decision. I reach for a second cup of coffee so I can stay awake.

Final decision. Ptom says that the winner is the chef who took the most risks, and made the best overall meal. That winner is... Kevin. The other two congratulate him. The judges do the same before the group is joined by the sous chefs and Kelly, who I guess was allowed to hang around so everyone could go back together and save on airfare. Angelo and Ed both interview that they're very happy for Kevin. Kevin himself is thrilled to be the first African American Top Chef, and can't wait to share the news with his friends, family, and the guys at the barbershop.

Tim: "Ice Cube is waiting at home to congratulate him."

So, there you go. Let's get right to the season postmortem, I guess. This... Was not a good one. It's not often that I can't really articulate why I didn't like something, but I am finding it a bit difficult to pinpoint why this season was so disappointing. Is it the whole Kenny thing? I spent the first part of the season raging against his "obvious" win being telegraphed. That feeling ruined a lot of episodes for me, so does the fact that I was wrong, wrong, wrong mean that those episodes weren't so horrendous after all? I can't go back and adjust my past self's reaction, so I still don't look at those episodes with any fondness, but how can I hold the show responsible for that?

Is it the whole Kevin thing? I made no secret of the fact that I consider him a pill, and crowning the guy who won one challenge (perhaps one and a quarter, if you count his team Quickfire) as the best of the bunch doesn't make much sense. But by the same token, Ptom said that the winner had the riskiest, best final meal, and looking back, I have to agree that that person is Kevin. His vegetable course didn't rely on meat, his cuttlefish "noodles" were a great idea, his duck was cooked the best, and his dessert was nearly declared a Singaporean national treasure on the spot. And his conduct really wasn't that bad. I'm not aching to go out for a beer with him, but he didn't annoy me half as much as other contestants have.

Is it the fact that the challenges in the final few episodes were so poorly planned? Nothing about Quickfire immunity for the final four, messing with the chefs' plans in order to pad your party menu, or composing the show-us-your-best meal of the same six proteins is a good idea. A lot of this season's challenges were brilliant, but if you end your song on a hideous, jarring chord, that's all the audience is going to remember.

Is it the fact that it's coming on the heels of a terrific season, in which any of the final four could probably have whomped the winners of any other season? Whose food would you go running for: Winner Kevin's or Third-Place Kevin's?

None of these reasons is that much cause for placing this season as my second-to-least favorite. And yet it is. Only Season 2 was worse, and that's because they could barely find the time to even mention food, because they had to spend every episode displaying a disgusting array of screaming and assault. This was a pretty genial, wonderfully diverse cast. This season had every reason to succeed. Why did it land with such a thud?

Overall Grade: C
Overall Season Grade: C-

The Last Supper

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 14

Previously on Top Chef: Perhaps the most talented cast ever, barring a few without the necessary level of talent (Eve), drive (Ash), or ability to stir up watercooler buzz (Laurine). Sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry. There. You think I've said it enough times to prevent the editors from cramming it down our throats tonight? Michael, Bryan, Kevin, and Jenc were ordained as the Golden Children, and won every single Elimination Challenge. That's not an exaggeration. Nobody outside of these four won an Elimination Challenge. Seriously! Once the rest of the chefs were cut loose, one of the Golden Children had to take the fall, and Jenc's slightly unfocused approach finally did her in. Three chefs remain. Who will be Top Chef?

Opening credits. A wine called "Marilyn Merlot". Heh. Also, fondue up the wazoo! Our viewing party had both cheese and chocolate fondue, and I contributed the dippers, from apples to bread to veggies to marshmallows to pound cake to berries. It may have been delicious, but my stomach was not happy with me the next day.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. The final three analyze their chances. Kevin's got the best record going into the finals, but isn't about to rest on his laurels. Michael notes that Bryan has racked up a bunch of challenge wins, but could never manage to figure out those Quickfires. The chefs head out for the day, and Bravo pastes up a logo (practically in the center of the screen) for that dreadful attempt to recapture Project Runway. I'll make it simple for you, Bravo: No. If it makes you feel any better, Project Runway isn't good anymore. Anyway, back to this show.

The chefs meet Ptom and Padma in the midst of a winery, where they explain the upcoming SuperChallenge. Each chef will cook a three-course meal, but naturally, there will be certain parameters. The first course will be a rip-off of Chopped, in which chefs are given identical boxes of mystery ingredients, all of which must be incorporated into the dish. It's sad to see Top Chef have to stoop to stealing material from a show that owes its entire existence to this one. Thankfully, for all the carping I've done about the judging on this show, I doubt it would be possible to reach the level of sheer assitude the losers who call themselves experts spew on Chopped. Geez, what's with these digressions about shows that aren't good anymore? Forgive me, I'll try to focus. The second course is entirely up to the chef. The third course must be dessert. This news causes a couple of brows to furrow.

Obviously, the diners will be a collection of Names. Just as obviously, the chefs will have some help in their preparations. Who could it possibly be? Eliminated contestants? No way! How'd they think that one up? In a nice change of pace, all of the eliminated chefs are prospective sous chefs, and not just the people eliminated in the last few weeks. Each of the finalists will draw two knives to determine their helpers; one of the sous chefs will help today, and one tomorrow. My heart goes giddy, flush with the possibility that Michael may have to rely on Robin, or that anyone could draw Jenz and have to figure out her name, let alone her cooking style. Unfortunately, Fate isn't feeling particularly dramatic this evening. Kevin draws Preeti. Bryan draws Jenc. Michael draws Jesse. Kevin draws Ash. Bryan draws Ashley. Michael draws Eli. Interesting. I'd say Michael's picks don't really affect him one way or the other, but Bryan is sure set up nicely. Kevin, not so much.

That night, the chefs dig into their mystery boxes to figure out the first course. It contains Pacific rockfish, Dungeness crab, squash, lemon, Matsutake mushrooms, and anise hyssop. After some frenzied planning, everyone gets started. Preeti, Jesse, and Ashley are on the field as sous chefs. Ashley and Jesse are doing fine, but Preeti is cutting vegetables at a glacial pace. Kevin is getting peeved, as well he might. I'm pretty sure I could knock out that task faster. Kevin complains in interview that of the twenty items on his prep list, he can only assign two to Preeti. Ouch. As time winds down, Michael and Bryan spar via interview about whether Bryan's more conservative cooking style is "safe" or "smart". Kevin worries that his sous chefs will be about as much help as Sarah Palin in securing a win.

The next day, Kevin awakens in a foul mood. He lost time on Preeti, and lost even more time wandering around in a funk about Preeti. It's taken to the last episode to see that Bryan does indeed have a tattoo, just like most of his other brethren here in the most inked season ever. And just like them, it's not particularly becoming. A knock at the door sends all of the chefs' brains into a whirl. It's got to be a twist! What's going to be the twist? Will they be able to overcome the twist? It'd have been funny if it had just been a maid, all "I was just dropping by to see if you needed more towels." It turns out to be the chefs' mothers, which Bryan calls "surreal". DRINK! Michael and Bryan's mother interviews that she's rooting for both of them, but that ultimately, there will be one winner.

LabRat (as Voltaggimom): "You were always my favorite, Bryan."

There's a telling bit in which Voltaggimom helps button her sons' chef coats (probably at the producers' urging -- what self-sufficient adult needs help fastening a front-buttoned garment?) Bryan plays along nicely. Michael lectures his mother on the finer points of sleeve-rolling. Bryan kiddingly-but-not-really chides Michael for ragging on her. Kevin's mom pledges her full support and interviews that there's no reason he can't win. Kevin's mood is markedly improved by the visit, and the chefs head out for the day. They're met at the restaurant by Ptom, who nails them with the real twist. There is to be a fourth course. It will slide in as the first course, and shift all the other ones back. This new course will be "inspired" by the chefs' mothers, and should be a callback to a favorite childhood dish. The chefs have three hours before the first plate hits the table.

Ready? Go! The sous chefs enter, and everyone gets cookin'. Bryan's childhood course will be a play on tuna noodle casserole, which will include sardines, German potato, panko, and fennel cucumber linguine. Sounds good. Michael hated broccoli as a child, and will be playing around with that concept by "reinventing" it. He's making a cream of dehydrated broccoli soup, with spot prawn and fried broccoli. Kevin talks about his upbringing, and how he abandoned the idea of college to become a chef. His childhood course will be "chicken and fixings", which includes fried chicken skin, tomatoes, and a liquid squash casserole. As an aside, I know that everyone has their own personal list of words they despise, and "fixings" (not to mention its toothless cousin, "fixins'") is firmly ensconced in my top ten. Bleh.

For the mystery box course, Bryan is preparing sous vide rockfish with diced mushroom and a lemon jam. Michael is poaching the rockfish in butter, and serving it with tomato-kombu sauce, and a sweet and sour salad. Kevin is cooking his rockfish in duck fat, and serving it with mushrooms and crab broth, both of which will be roasted. Kevin doesn't like the texture of the Matsutake mushrooms, and doesn't quite know what to do with them. He's a lot happier with Ash than he was with Preeti, though.

For the third course, Michael, who loves his gimmicks, will be making fake mushrooms out of mushroom goo. He's also working with fennel, squab, and a pistachio cassoulet. Kevin, who loves his pork, will be slow roasting some pork belly, and serving it with roasted broccoli and Brussels sprouts. A caramelized ham jus will serve as the sauce. Bryan, who loves... Well, anyway. He'll be making venison saddle with Brussels sprouts, sunchokes, and maple-glazed carrots. The venison sounds good, but the vegetables are unimpressive.

For dessert, Michael works on a chocolate caramel cake with a butternut squash brulee and butternut ice cream. Kevin is throwing bacon into a roasted banana chocolate mousse. He's serving it with peanut bacon brittle. Hmm. You won't find a more ardent supporter of bacon than I, but it doesn't go well with everything. Bryan is making a white chocolate dulce de leche cheesecake with sheep's milk. There will also be a fig sorbet and poached pear. Time winds down.

Out in the dining room, the judges, Names, and moms await the first course. Padma apologizes in advance for the critical things that must be said about the food. Voltaggimom lives in Vegas, and threatens to track Ptom down if need be. Awesome. The chefs emerge to the surprise of being judged by their mothers. What, like we all don't live in fear of that? Bryan rethinks the wisdom of using sardine, which he's sure his mother has never gone near. Ptom introduces the diners, noting that the moms will only be around for the first course. The chefs explain their childhood memory courses, and recede. Kevin's squash casserole goes over very well. Bryan's sardine isn't as seasoned as much as it could be, which is a common theme with Bryan. His mother sticks up for him, of course, saying that she was concerned that the sardine would taste overly fishy, but it didn't. Michael's prawn is too undercooked for the Names, but he sold the shit out of his story of overcoming his dislike for broccoli. Wonderful, judges. I can't wait to head to the nearest restaurant and order crappy food that reminds the chef of his Nana. Padma tries to get Voltaggimom to decide which of her sons' dishes she liked better, but she wisely pleads the Fifth. Padma thanks the moms and sends them back to say good-bye. Michael immediately pumps Voltaggimom for information about the judges' opinions, but if he got any, we never hear it.

The chefs bring out their mystery box courses. Kevin's broth goes over very well, but his mushrooms were too tough. His fish wasn't bad, but it doesn't wow anyone, either. Bryan's fish is -- surprise! -- underseasoned. Again, the overall plate is good, but not great. Michael's is a lot more successful, as he struck a perfect balance of sweet and sour. Everyone likes it, but I'm surprised at how subdued all of the judges' reactions have been so far.

Third course. Bryan finally knocks one out of the park. The judges all love his venison. Michael's squab was excellent, but his mushrooms didn't have a lot of flavor, and were a bit silly in execution. Kevin, who's been excelling at meat dishes all season long, falls down a bit on his pork belly. It seems that cracks are finally starting to show in his veneer, but man, what a terrible day for that to be happening. The pork belly wasn't cooked long enough, and came out tough. The sauce was good, though.

Fourth course. Back in the kitchen, Michael realizes that Eli overfilled the cakes, and that Michael himself cooked them too long. They're way overdone. The chefs bring out their plates. Kevin's dessert gets poor to mixed reviews. Gail likes the bacon crumblies, but one of the Names is tired of chefs throwing bacon into desserts. Ptom thinks Kevin didn't do enough with the banana. Michael has made candied pumpkin seeds, which were good, but his cakes were dry. Bryan's cheesecake was "nice". Geez. If you just heard the deliberations, you'd never know this was the most successful final three ever. Based on the judges' conversation, it frankly sounds like a disappointing meal. Strange. The chefs come out for cursory applause, and so that Padma can tell them she'll see them later at Judges' Table. All three of the chefs think they have a good shot at the title, but Michael is nervous about his lackluster dessert.

Fret 'n sweat. Michael has both of those things covered. Judges' Table. Odd Asian Music and Gong breeze in so they can get through their work and go on vacation for a while. The chefs enter, and Padma thanks them for the meal, which was "an amazing end to an amazing season". I'm just not buying it. Nobody had that moment. You know, the one where you take a bite of truly extraordinary food and just lose yourself in it. I don't think I saw an expression much higher than "Meh" at that table. As to the dishes, Bryan's mystery box course was well-cooked, but it didn't have a lot of contrast, imagination, or seasoning. His venison was great. Kevin's childhood memory course was flavorful and complex. His pork belly needed more time, and the judges are surprised that he didn't deliver on his speciality. Michael's mystery box course was excellent. He's a creative cook, and takes risks, which judges always love. Michael's dessert was disappointing, which he admits. For some reason, the judges bend over backwards to excuse him for it. I don't know if they already had their minds made up or what, but they just shrugged off the detriments of a dessert they would have blasted any of the eliminated chefs for.

Padma asks the pageant question of why each chef "deserves" to be Top Chef. Bryan says that he expressed himself through his cuisine. Michael jokes that he just doesn't want Bryan to win. When everyone's done giggling, Michael really sells himself again, saying that cooking is what he is, and that he's never collected a paycheck for doing anything else, nor will he ever. He lives and breathes food. The judges wet their pants, because this neat package of American Dream is exactly what they're looking for. Ironically, a heartfelt speech on this show about how much food means to you is as important -- if not more -- than the actual food. A point to Michael for playing the production like a fiddle here. Kevin says he cooks soulful food that speaks to the person that he is. The judges are still swooning over Michael, and hardly pay attention. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Kevin had the most interesting, flavorful first course. Ptom found Bryan's bland, but Toby liked it, saying he didn't mind at all that it was underseasoned.

Limecrete: "Wow, the British judge likes bland food? Shut the fuck up."

Michael's fried broccoli completely overwhelmed the prawn. On the second course, Michael was king. He was smart and creative with the mystery box ingredients. Gail didn't care for Michael's tomato, but hated Kevin's mushroom more. Bryan's was safe and boring. Gail can't find a flaw in Bryan's third course. Toby admits that it was good, but says that it wasn't as memorable as Michael's squab. Gail lobs back that although the squab was good, two other components (the mushroom and the pistachio cassoulet) weren't up to par. Kevin is not even in the running on this course, as his pork belly was tough and unsophisticated. Michael's dessert execution was off, but his bold flavors made sense, whatever that means. I'm sorry, but "I know what you were going for," is an acceptable reason to keep someone around in Episode 1 or 2. Not the finale. Kevin's dessert was disappointing. He's clearly bound for culinary greatness, but he had a bad night. Bryan's dessert was restrained and sophisticated. Had Michael put out the dessert he intended, it may have been better than Bryan's, but it wasn't. The judges reach a decision.

Final decision. Ptom congratulates all three chefs. Padma starts with some bad news, and dismisses Kevin right away. It's amazing how many seasons this happens in. A favorite strides into the finals, then immediately shoots him or herself in the foot. Casey committed game suicide in Season Three. Richard flailed at the last minute in Season Four. Carla fell apart in Season Five. And here is Kevin, who unquestionably ruled this entire season. He dominated challenge after challenge, came to the finals, and promptly lost his head. It's a shame, because while I can support his elimination under the rules of the game, he's probably the most talented competitor this show has ever seen. The producers are giddy that Kevin lost his groove, though, because it sets up a magnificently television-friendly Battle of the Brothers for the final two. Kevin walks back to the fret 'n sweat room, where his mom is waiting to give him a conciliatory hug. He's disappointed, but proud of what he's accomplished, saying that he was the underdog from the very beginning. Kevin, you know I love you, but you do not get to win every goddamn challenge under the sun, then call yourself an underdog. Sorry, buddy.

Back at Judges' Table, Ptom obligingly plays up the EMOTION of a SIBLING RIVALRY final two, where two such professional chefs must STRUGGLE with their FEELINGS. Blah, blah, blah. Let's just get to the winner, which is... Michael. Even though he's spent the entire season talking himself up, he looks genuinely shocked. I'm sure he was thinking that the dessert course had torpedoed his chances. Bryan congratulates him, and pulls him in for a hug. Michael interviews that he's happier about having Bryan in the finals with him than about winning. He wishes both of them could have won. Uh huh. Also, he's got a pet unicorn, and Nigerian princes are waiting to wire you two million dollars. Voltaggimom comes out to hug them both. Michael leaks a few tears, and tells Padma she's finally getting the emotion she wanted. Heh. Bryan is disappointed, but displays his trademark stoicism. Hugs and handshakes are exchanged, and the season comes to a close with Michael saying that he's learned about himself as a person and as a cook.

That's an interesting distinction, actually. As I said in the short version, if the competition were judged solely on food, I wouldn't have a problem with any of these three chefs winning. I haven't tasted their cooking, of course, but we can figure out a lot based on judging and diners' reactions. If they say that Michael had the best food of the night and/or is the most talented chef overall, I have no reason to disbelieve that. But as I also said in the short version, it's also nice when the winner has an enjoyable personality on top of being meritorious. I can respect someone who does good work, but I have greater respect for someone who does good work without having to resort to being an ass to get it done. Given that this is a television show well before it is a cooking competition, how much should personality weigh into the decision? Is the positive force of Michael's talent so great that it's better than Bryan's talent + Bryan's personality? Is Michael so much better than Kevin that you'd prefer to work with him yelling "Relax! Relax! Relax! Relax! RE-LAX!" in your face every night?

These sound like rhetorical questions, but they're not. If this were a genuine cooking competition, or you were eating in a restaurant at which you'd never even come into contact with the chef, it wouldn't matter. You'd want the person with the best food. But when you watch a television show, you not only want the winner to deserve the achievement, you want to like them. You want to root for them, and it's difficult to resolve the situation when you don't. Looking back at Top Chef's history, we see that they do not have a great track record in this regard. Ilan was a scum-sucking douchebag. Hung was arrogant and condescending. Hosea was nice enough, but about as interesting as toast. And here we have Michael, the cold, snide victor, who swayed the judges with romantic talk of his Life's Work while serving dry cake and undercooked prawn. I don't know. I don't begrudge Michael the win for a moment, but at the same time, I have to admit to some disappointment. I like that Top Chef hands out the award to people who they believe can cook great food. I don't like that Top Chef hands out the award to people who kind of suck as people. Make of that what you will.

As to the season postmortem, I have very few complaints. They did a great job this time around. They seemed to focus on finding talented competitors, rather than people who would act up for attention. Mike was the exception to that, of course, but there's always got to be at least one, right? I didn't enjoy the Mean Girl mentality of ganging up on Robin, but it never got out of hand. Except for pointing out the obvious fact that Toby is woefully unqualified and works way too hard to be acerbic and witty (and fails every time), the judging was mostly sound and reasonable. I don't think Ptom really annoyed me once, which is a new milestone. If I had to pick the worst episode, I'd pick the Air Force challenge without hesitation. As I said then, I'm all for patriotism, but I felt like I was being bludgeoned to death by a bald eagle with an American flag in one talon and Mom's apple pie in the other. Not only that, but the judging was clearly steered towards getting rid of someone boring, rather than someone bad. Other than that, it was an interesting, well-crafted season, and I look forward to the next one.

Overall Grade: B-
Overall Season Grade: A-

Finale

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 14

For the first time, the fight for all the marbles comes down to three ladies. The first part of the episode glides by without much to remark on, as it's been with the majority of the season. The designers are busy. Kenley's snooty and defensive. Rinse and repeat. Models are chosen, including an extremely rough-looking Naima.

Korto wisely ditches her fugly wedding dress and cobbles together two new looks, both of which are an improvement, though I wish she would've steered away from that dismal beige fabric. Kenley's first down the final runway, and two of her looks are downright beautiful. The rest are merely okay, save one with that nasty granny print Kenley's so fond of, and another that would have been nice, had it not had a tumor of the granny fabric growing out of it.

Korto's line has a beautiful African feel to it, and she's clearly made improvements to several garments since Tim's visit. Leanne incorporates the panels symbolic of waves into every garment, some of which are more successful than others. Though Nina rightly points out that there's a danger of becoming one-note, she also points out that Leanne provided shorts, dresses, skirts, jackets, and pants. It's refreshing that all three of the lines are good, and there's no worry of a flash-in-the-pan poseur winning. Not that that's ever happened.

When it comes down to the final decision (with Tim as guest judge, since Jennifer Lopez (and I'm sorry, but what credentials does she have to help pick a winner of a fashion competition), bowed out due to a (possibly) fake foot injury, and have I lost control of this sentence?), no time is wasted in chucking Kenley out first. Is she snooty and defensive? She is!

An informal poll is taken amongst the viewing party, and the general feeling is that Korto will probably win the day. It is not to be, however. Leanne, who most of us discounted as a boring mouse who would probably be eliminated within four episodes, wins the competition, and I'm not sorry to see her do it. Korto's highs were higher than Leanne, but there's no denying that her lows were lower. Leanne put out consistently good work, and like Chloe, it's nice to see a winner who will clearly put her talent to good use, rather than use her win as a springboard to...be on TV a lot.

Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C+

Finale - Part II

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 14

Well, a combination of no time and little inclination to relive poor Antonia's elimination has made me fall behind on converting last week's episode to the long recap. Tonight's finale cheered me, so I'll be sure to go back and complete the series soon.

As with most finales, the final challenge is to cook a four-course meal in whatever style the chefs like. The first hitch is that they must each select a celebrity sous chef, each of whom come with their own basket of specific proteins. From there, the chefs must do a fish course, a poultry course, a meat course, and a dessert.

All three meals have high points and low points, but as with Casey's flameout, Richard kind of loses it at the last minute, leaving Stephanie and Lisa to battle over the ultimate title, with each of them having the favorite in two of the courses. Thankfully, Stephanie scores the win she richly deserves, which has the additional benefit of not throwing the world into the Apocalypse it would surely enter if Lisa had won.

Finale - Part 1

Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 14

Previously on Top Chef: Cooking. Teamwork. Acrimony. Good challenges. A bullshit challenge. Mohawks. Incompetent judging. Flop sweat. Cuteness. Tears. Egotism. A refreshing lack of backstabbing, whiny, passive-aggressive assholes. Odd Asian music. Gongs. Sexism. Enough liquor to stock an infinite number of frat parties. Four chefs remain. Who will survive to duke it out in the real finale?

Opening menu. For the first time this season, schedules refused to mesh, and I was on my own, so the gourmet menu for tonight was a bag of microwave popcorn with some garlic salt sprinkled on it. Fancy!

Aspen, Colorado. Everything is ridiculously pretty. Dale, Casey, and Brian meet at the airport. Dale looks a little naked without his beard. Casey has had some very ill-advised highlights put into her hair. We jump right into reality show patter, as Dale talks about the high stakes in Aspen. Brian mentions getting some awards in the month since the New York challenges. Hung shows up, and interviews that his skills and techniques are more advanced than his competitors'. Looks like not much has changed.

The chefs are driven through a beautiful mountainous region as Brian interviews that he grew up in an area very much like this, and that he's brought along his cowboy hat, just in case. He flashes the camera a dazzling smile. In the car, Brian gasps and clutches at Hung, who jumps about a mile. Hahaha! Brian has spotted a hot air balloon being filled, and which has the Top Chef logo on the side. Three of the chefs are thrilled. Casey, who's not the biggest fan of heights, doesn't want to go. Through the magic of television, we skip the off-camera time spent convincing her, slipping her a Valium, or pointing out the fine print in her Bravo contract that states she is now their slave, and everyone is soon soaring through the air. Mimosas are passed around. The chefs toast each other, and Brian says that he loves them all. Aw. Take a moment to consider this top four, then consider last season's top four. Yeah, it makes me happy, too.

Dale interviews about the rough year he had before the competition, which involved having "chef's block", losing his job, and getting dumped. The competition has re-energized him, which is nice to hear. Hung is competing for his family, and gives us more of the heartwarming story of immigrant success that we started to hear about last week. Hope you like it, because you're going to hear a lot about it tonight. I'm jaded enough to think that this is part of a redemption arc so that people won't be upset when Hung wins the entire contest. I've already reached that point. I'm still rooting for Casey, but I'd actually be all right with any of the four winning. It's a nice, calming feeling not to have to spend two weeks terrified that we're about to suffer another Jeffrey or Ilan. Anyhow, the balloon lands in a field near a picturesque river. Brian thinks that the balloon ride is "the quiet before the storm." He's right.

Quickfire Challenge. The always-intense music is somewhat at odds with the serene shots of a fisherman and a trout cutting its way through the water. The chefs walk up to the river, where they're met by Padma and Eric Ripert, who will serve as guest judge for this round of the finale. The chefs pay appropriate lip service to how famous and accomplished Ripert is, although I think it's a bit odd that a New York seafood chef was picked to judge a round of challenges that will have nothing to do with his area of expertise. It'd be like having Missy Elliott judge an opera contest. Padma describes the challenge. The chefs will have twenty minutes, and will be working with fresh trout. Like, died-five-minutes-ago fresh. They'll also get a frying pan, a dinky camping stove, and access to a basic selection of pantry ingredients. Dale is petrified, saying that he's a horrible seafood chef. Well, no worries, because as we're about to learn, accomplished seafood chefs aren't that skilled at working with good ol' American freshwater creatures, either. Naturally, there's no immunity, but the winner will get a useful advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge.

Ready? Go! This isn't the best environment for showcasing one's skills at the best of times, and these guys have had a month off, so everyone is flailing wildly. Dale has trouble scaling the fish. Brian has forgotten how hard it is to battle the clock. Casey loses some fish in the grass. Dale's cooking station rests at a slant, so his pans slide around, and the heat is applied unevenly. The only one who's not worried is Hung, who is as self-possessed as always. Brian begins struggling more and more. He has no idea what he's making, and nothing is working out. Casey is surprised that Brian would have trouble with fish, of all ingredients. Hung finishes up with seven minutes to spare. He's extremely pleased with himself as he sets the plates down, although I'd think that the fish would go cold in that amount of time. Brian has now accepted that there's no way in hell he's going to win the challenge. Padma counts down the final seconds. The moment time runs out, Hung realizes that he meant to put lemon juice on his fish, which was a major component. I don't get the deal with squirting a bunch of lemon juice on fish. My mother likes to do that, but I think it obscures the fish's flavor. Anyhow, Hung realizes he's screwed himself over.

Padma and Eric start with Brian. He's cooked the trout in rendered bacon fat, and it's served with trout eggs, red pepper, and brown butter. There's a messy pile of greens as well. Eric wonders why Brian didn't use all the fish he's cut up, and Brian says that there wouldn't have been enough time to cook it all the way through. Hey, that didn't stop Saram. Casey has made trout filet with crisped skin (intriguing), and has served it with grapes and summer corn. Sounds good. Both Padma and Eric enjoy it. Hung has made a curried filet of trout with sauteed mushrooms. I don't like mushrooms on the best of days, but they sound extra disgusting on fish. Hung makes the mistake of presenting his dish as if it had the lemon juice in it, but then has to amend his statement to admit that he forgot to include it. Eek. It's never a good idea to specify an ingredient the judges now know to miss. Eric shoots Hung a dirty look. Dale has prepared filet of trout, which is dusted with cayenne pepper, and has bourbon, rendered bacon, and sauteed apple and fennel on top. Sounds tasty.

Results. Brian was Eric's least favorite. His salad was bland, and his trout was a miss as well. An interviewer must have asked Brian about his failure, given his speciality, and Brian's response is that seafood chefs don't even consider trout to be in their purview. Dale's food didn't impress Eric, either, because the cayenne was overpowering. That leaves Hung and Casey as the favorites. Hung's was very precise, but adding the lemon juice would have provided a nice contrast. Casey's fish was well-seasoned, and the corn and grapes went well with it. Also, her dish "had a soul", which is very important. Ouch, Hung! Casey is blown away by such high praise. Eric is asked to choose a winner, and he selects Casey. She's happy about the win, but even happier about getting such a nice comment from such a well-known chef. She almost starts crying. There's a quote from Hung about how he tasted Casey's dish, and that he thinks his was more refined. Honestly, that quote sounded patched together, so I'm not going to get into a rant about rampant senses of entitlement. Hung does seem to be obsessed with a food's refinement, though. Hopefully, this experience will teach him that there's a lot more to good food than precise technique and fast knives. The chefs are sent off to their hotel, where Dale blahs about pulling his shit together for the Elimination Challenge, and Hung blahs some more about the Great Melting Pot.

Commercials. I'd find the burgers at Red Robin a lot more compelling if there were a single one in the Metro area.

Like Dale, Brian's low Quickfire placement has snapped him back into competition mode. Dale explains that all of the chefs were given $200 to bring whatever additional ingredients they'd like to use in the finale. He has brought a lot of spices. Casey has brought Asian ingredients unlikely to be provided in Aspen. Hung has also brought Asian ingredients, saying that he's ready to cook his style of food. Not so fast, sucka! Here comes the Elimination Challenge. The chefs are driven to a ranch, where Padma does her best to look Western. She says that the ranch is hosting a get-together for a bunch of rodeo riders tonight, and that the chefs will be providing the food. They'll use the supplies already delivered to the ranch, and will need to make enough food for 45 people. Whew. On first viewing, I thought she said 4500 people, and my jaw hit the ground. Hung: "What the hell do cowboys and cowgirls eat? Baked beans and baked beans and baked beans?" Mark it. Hung has completely cracked me up for the first time. Dale is similarly inexperienced with cowboy cuisine, having only spent time with cowboys in the bedroom, not the kitchen. Brian grew up on a ranch, but is still wary of what the challenge entails.

Padma tells the chefs that they'll have three hours to prep and cook their food before bringing it back to the ranch. As winner of the Quickfire, Casey is the only chef entitled to use the extra ingredients she has brought along. Dale bemoans the fact that he won't be able to use his arsenal of spices. Padma dismisses the chefs with a "see you back at the ranch", which Brian responds to with a flat "yee-haw". Hehe. The chefs head to a resort kitchen, where a staff member reveals the ingredient that they'll all be working with. Elk meat. You can imagine how that goes over with the King of Refined Cuisine. Yep, Hung is deeply unhappy at having to work with such a "heavy, boring" protein. Brian says that elk meat is gamey, and definitely not seafood. Thanks for the clarification. The chefs break, and spring into their three hours of prep. Dale interviews that there's a really specific way to cook elk, and since he knows its ins and outs, he feels like he's well-positioned for this challenge. Casey is similarly pleased, but reminds herself to decide on a method that will work within the time limit.

Brian begins working with the elk shank. He's going to prepare whiskey-braised elk shank, horseradish and sour cream potato puree, a pancetta corn asparagus relish (ick), and blackberry balsamic and sage brown butter. Dale interviews that elk meat should braise for about ten to twelve hours, so Brian's three-hour braise is going to be a tough sell. Hung works on seared elk loin, pommes boulangere, and a chocolate red wine sauce. This is the first challenge in which Hung sounds stressed and rushed. He interviews that he's not even going to attempt to cook to please the rodeo riders. He's going to cook to please the judges. I'd normally be displeased with someone willingly ignoring the audience they should be actively trying to woo, but given the way the judging has been conducted this season, I don't blame him a bit. Team Sweet-Tooth tried to please the audience by sticking to what would be served in a traditional tasting menu, and got spanked. Brian engineered a slew of appetizers on a shoestring budget to please party guests, and got spanked. At this point, I'm more than behind Hung for playing to his strengths.

Dale would like to make an onion and goat cheese tart, but the resort kitchen doesn't have cream cheese, which is an essential ingredient. He decides to give it a try, anyway. He, like Hung, will be preparing "seared elx loin", according to the titles. Just when I think the title department couldn't get worse, they sink to this. Soon, the menus will read "Dt9dnfdkgfjdkf&&dihfef 874kfjkst04g93 with sdk@@fus93r and cheese". Casey is making mushroom-crusted loin of "elx", a smoked tomato butter, some whipped and caramelized cauliflower, and poached pear. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste, and the chefs pretend they're glad to see him. His tour through the kitchen is the usual mix of condescending looks and pointless questions. The only things of value that we learn are that Dale has gotten the best feedback over the season for his sauces, so he's spending as much time as possible on that, and that Casey won't be using any of the extra ingredients she's entitled to, because she brought those specifically for the actual finale. On his way out, Ptom tells the chefs that there will only be one contestant eliminated tonight, instead of the expected two. The chefs react with a mixture of relief and disappointment. There's less chance of being cut tonight, but more competition for the people that make it through.

Cooking montage. Dale suspects that his tart isn't going to turn out quite right, so he begins formulating a Plan B, which involves cooking potatoes and cauliflower in milk. Time begins to wind down. Hung finishes ahead of schedule again, but is a bit worried. He knows he didn't give this challenge his all, and frets that his apathy will shine through to the judges. Casey notes that Hung is done early again, and that Brian is still frantically working. Brian interviews that he wanted to do his mashed potatoes at the last minute, so that they would stay hot for transport. I gear up to whine about unrealistic expectations of Hung again, but he does the work for me. "This is a competition. If he was really in the shit -- I would help him in a real restaurant. I'm a team player. Here, you play for yourself." Exactly. Thank you. Brian finishes to applause at the almost literal last second.

Commercials. Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is ending soon. Huh, I thought it ended, like, two years ago.

The chefs are driven to the ranch. Dale points out that this challenge has the most pressure so far. Which is true, but which is also true every week. The chefs have an hour to get everything ready for service. Brian has brought along his cowboy hat. The contestants each get their own horse stall as a prep area, and their names have been spelled out on the front of the stalls in honest-to-goodness rope script. Hahaha! That is so smurfy! Casey looks forward to the challenge. Hung says that all four of them are good chefs, so he just hopes he does better. Wow, that's high praise coming from him. Not everything is sunny. Dale tastes his onion and goat cheese tart, and finds it nasty. He decides not to serve it, and tries to figure out what to do with his cauliflower and potatoes. Brian thinks his meat could have stood to braise longer, but is pleased with the way everything turned out. Dale incorporates cherries and pecans into his cauliflower/potato mixture.

Cowfolk and judges begin approaching the service area. Some guy spins a lasso around. People toss horseshoes. I'm surprised the producers didn't make them break into a number from Oklahoma! Padma tells the chefs they're looking forward to a great meal, then gleefully clangs a triangle to summon everyone to dinner. Friendly people approach and politely compliment the food. Casey presents her food to Ptom, and while I like meat on the rare side, her elk looks almost raw in the middle. Half of her cauliflower is prepared in olive oil. I'm not the hugest fan of cauliflower, but I'll have to try that some time. Two cowboys enjoy it. Eric points out how rare the meat is. Gail approaches Dale. The title department has finally figured out the intricacies of spelling a three-letter word correctly, as Dale presents his ELK loin, which is served in a huckleberry and blackberry sauce, and which has his cauliflower/potato concoction on the side. It looks really good. Dale is confident that his sauce will be well-received. Gail and Padma dig into it, and Gail mentions that Dale's food sure has a lot of different components (1).

Eric approaches Hung's table. Hung genuflects. I was going to say that Hung's meat looks as rare as Casey's, but I was mistaken. The darkness I saw wasn't raw meat, but the red wine/chocolate sauce that Hung has topped it with. Eric notes how tender the meat is, and also that Hung has made his own lemon confit to incorporate. He also approves of Hung's use of shiitake mushrooms. Hung interviews that no matter how great everything is, the judges are always going to find fault with something. Two cowfolk tell Padma that they enjoy it. Brian sells his food like a huckster, which has worked well for him before. His showmanship cracks Casey up. Padma comes to get his food, and the editors pull that trick where they dissolve from one explanation to the next to make it seem like Brian talks for an hour. His plate is very busy. Brian interviews that he did well in the challenge, and is looking forward to cooking what he wants in the final. The cowfolk love it, but Gail gripes that it took him forever to describe his meal, because there's so much going on with it (2). The meal concludes, and the cowfolk ride off into the sunset, because I'm sure none of them own cars. The chefs fret over their chances of being eliminated.

Commercials. After a doctor's makeover, she is "defining fashion" for her hospital. Well, good. I personally don't care how medically qualified my physician is. She'd just better be able to work a miniskirt.

Judges' Table. The colors are thankfully more muted than in the past couple of panels. The judges agree that everything was good, but they have to start nitpicking, so they can make an elimination. In the back, Brian and Dale agree that both of their plates were a "carnival" of ingredients (3). Casey doesn't understand how or why they incorporate so much, saying that it's not her style of cooking. Eric's favorite dish of the evening was Dale's. Gail was astounded by how many ingredients he used (4). Ptom thinks Hung's food had "seasonal disorder". It gets depressed in the winter? No, he thinks the elk was garnished with summery ingredients, but that the potatoes were more suited for autumn. As in challenges past, his food is considered technically proficient, but almost too controlled. Padma loved Brian's elk, but Eric's portion was dry. Ptom points out that Brian had a ton of ingredients on the plate (5). Casey's meat was too rare, and her cauliflower wasn't popular, either. Eric did love her tomato sauce.

The chefs are summoned to the table. Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma tells them that overall, everything was excellent, but someone still has to go home. Dale explains that his game meals have always been well-received, and that he's proud of what he did tonight. He also details his issues with the goat cheese tart, and what he did to fix the situation. He's complimented on the sauce. Eric asks why he used so many components (6). Dale says that there was definitely a lot going on, but that it was a "controlled chaos". Casey describes her dish. Ptom tells her about his problems with putting chunks of cauliflower into a nice, smooth puree, and also points out how rare her meat was. She is also complimented on her sauce. Hung is asked how he felt about the challenge in general, and also how he got a feel for the people he was cooking for. How intuitive of the judges to work out that Hung didn't enjoy the challenge's parameters! That's not contrived at all! Hung admits to cooking for the judges first and the clientele second. The judges don't really respond to that, but Ptom tells him that although he's the most technically proficient chef, they don't really see a personality in his food. Hung promises to prove himself in the finals. Brian is asked what he didn't include on his plate (7). Brian laughs that off, but is clearly unamused. He says that what he did worked out "impressively nice", but agrees with the judges that a jazzy presentation is part of how he operates. Eric asks why there was a choice of cheeses, when it's really Brian's role to select an appropriate cheese for the diner. Brian doesn't have a good response to that.

Padma asks each of the chefs to outline the reasons they should make it to the finals. Dale details the harsh year leading up to the competition, and talks about how he's been "reborn" and how "he's a chef again". This is the sort of story that reality show producers eat with a spoon, so that was well-played on his part. I mean, I'm sure he was being genuine, but he really painted it in a clever way. Casey says that she's a hard worker, and that she never stops studying to make herself a better chef. Hung takes what I think is the wrong tack on his part, and talks about how he cooks with love and soul, thanks to his immigrant upbringing. He's aiming to be as heartwarming as Dale, but being warm and cuddly is not his forte, and both the judges and the audience know it. Brian says that he cooks for the multitudes, but that he hasn't had the opportunity to cook his way for the judges. He believes everyone would love to see what would result when he gets to be creative. Padma thanks the chefs, and dismisses them.

Deliberations. Gail thinks Dale's was the strongest, as do Ptom and Eric. Padma says that... Sing it if you know it, there was too much on the plate (8). I really wish they'd explain this. Nothing is ever said about Dale's flavors competing with each other, or being overwhelming, or anything. Nope, they just assume that something must be wrong with a dish if it's got a lot of ingredients incorporated. This is the one thing that bugged me in an otherwise excellent episode. Eight mentions of "too much", and no reason ever given of why that's a detriment. Hung's dish was precise, but didn't showcase the elk. Brian's should have been stronger than it was, and not choosing a cheese himself was a cop-out. Ptom disliked Casey's cauliflower, and the meat was way too rare, but her sauce was delightful. The chefs drown their anxiety in wine. The judges ponder.

Commercials. I'm surprised they even gave this new show a title other than Filler While You Wait For Project Runway.

Elimination. Well, first there must be a winner. Ptom says that all four of them have produced great dishes over the course of the season. Eric gets to announce the winner of this particular challenge, and it's Dale. Dale is pleased with his "first win". Well, it's his first if you don't count getting to skip an Elimination Challenge to play footsie with the guest judge. He's thrilled to get a win when it most counted, as this naturally means he will be cooking in the finals. He also gets to go do a culinary demonstration with Eric at an event in the Cayman Islands. Sweeeeeeet. Dale says that it is the biggest honor of his life. Ptom compliments Casey's flavors, Hung's skills, and Brian's spirit, but it's still time for one of them to go. Brian, please pack your knives and go. Casey and Hung almost pass out.

Brian goes to shake the judges' hands as he interviews how far he's come. He tells the other chefs not to worry about him, and gives them all hugs. He's enjoyed the experience and made some excellent friends. He tells the other chefs that there's no reason to shed tears for him. Dale interviews that seeing him go is really tough. Brian is happy with how he's performed, and is proud of the fact that he didn't play it safe, saying that if making risky dishes is what sent him home, then he's riding home on a "magical carpet". Heh. Our Ozzian final four has come to an end. Hung's got brains, Casey's got heart, Dale's got a homey soul, and Brian had the courage. That courage cost him the competition, but I have no doubt he'll do well for himself. Who of the illustrious final three will take home the ruby slippers? Someone deserving! Yay!

Overall Grade: A

Finale - Part II

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 14

Previously on Project Runway: The four finalists were told to design twelve looks for Fashion Week. Tim visited everyone. Laura accused Jeffrey of having outside help. Tim promised to look into it. Tonight, someone will be crowned the winner of Project Runway. Good. I don't think I could take another filler episode.

No opening credits. Because this is serious business this week.

New York. One and a half days until the runway show. In the workroom, Uli is wishing this whole cheating blowup never happened. Laura compares Jeffrey to an athlete on steroids. It's pretty much based on conjecture, but she admits as much. She and Jeffrey talk, and she's saying that if he has the receipts to back everything up, there will be no problem. Jeffrey says that what's really upsetting is Laura calling his integrity into question. "I never questioned your integrity," Laura says, and while I generally like her, and generally dislike Jeffrey -- BULLSHIT. Jeffrey storms off. Soon after, he receives a call from Tim, saying that the producers can't find all the receipts from a particular pleating business. Or something. He asks Jeffrey to call them and have them fax the missing receipts. If he can't get them, they'll deal with the issue again. Jeffrey disdains the business for keeping sloppy records. Yes, this is coming from the guy who handed over one giant wad of receipts to Tim. Good catch. Jeffrey calls the business and asks about the missing receipts. He's scared that this tiny omission will lead to not being able to show at Bryant Park.

Evening. Morning. Everyone looks completely dead, and over the entire enterprise. Yeah, I feel them. Maybe you could just have a one-part finale next season, Bravo? In the workroom, Jeffrey places a call to Tim, and leaves a message. He begins work on a simple skirt, in case the shorts that the missing receipts pertain to are disqualified. Good thinking. Eight hours left. Tim comes in, and gathers the designers. He says that after a thorough investigation, he is absolutely confident that Jeffrey did the work himself. OK, Tim's word is good enough for me. Please ignore all that blather I spewed last week. Jeffrey breaks down in tears of relief, and Uli hugs him. It's not entirely good news, as Tim tells him that the shorts will, indeed, need to be taken out of the collection, due to the missing receipts. Not only that, but he is the only designer to have gone overbudget, by $227.95. I hope they would have investigated everyone's receipts anyway, and didn't just do this because of the whole cheating scandal. Jeffrey will need to remove something from the collection, and the judges will be informed that he didn't stay within the budget. This will turn out to have absolutely no effect on the judging, so why it's even a rule, let alone is brought up here, is beyond me.

Tim says that the show stresses fairness very strongly, and he's confident that tomorrow's show will be an even playing field. I read in a later interview with Tim that he was actually glad Laura brought up her suspicions when she did, because it would have been twice as awful if Jeffrey had won, and then she called foul. Good point. Laura shakes Jeffrey's hand and says that she'll meet him on the runway. There's even a little half hug. Jeffrey says that he has no further issue with Laura (which he immediately belies by snotting about her inexperience), and Laura says that she's more than happy to compete against Jeffrey on the runway. She says it was never a goal of hers to get him disqualified, which I entirely believe. I think her accusations may have come from reasoning that was overly vague, but they were never motivated by personal reasons.

One hour left. Everyone packs up their clothing. Michael feels good. Uli thinks she has a strong collection. Jeffrey loses the blonde wigs to meet the budget, and substitutes the denim skirt he just made for the disqualified leather bubble shorts. I don't know if Laura (or even Jeffrey) knows it, but I think she just accidentally bumped up the quality of his collection a big notch. The wigs were stupid, and the denim skirt is far prettier than the shorts ever were. Tim enters for a final "gather round". He has the velvet bag. He tears up a little as he talks about how proud he is of the finalists. Aw, I love Tim. He says that they're all winners, and he means it in a very real sense; not in a sense of second place in an elementary school science fair which I should have won, because that reproduction of the solar system that took all night was amazing, and all Blake did was that lame poster where the lightbulbs light up because there are little bits of wire on the back! Sorry, where was I? He dismisses them, but brings them back for a group hug. Heh. So what was the velvet bag for? Stop showing the velvet bag, and then not using it! I guess he drew the order the designers would show in, and they just didn't air it.

Morning. 4:15 AM to be precise. Ugh. Jeffrey said he got two hours' sleep. Laura says that she's glad Jeffrey will be showing, because she wants to beat him on the runway; not the accountant's office. Everyone heads out. Michael tries to calm himself down. Calm himself down? The most animated I've ever seen him was a tiny little boogie dance. It's still dark as they approach Bryant Park, but the drizzle that seems to have been falling when everyone first stirred appears to have dissipated. Uli says that this is the biggest day of her life. They enter the tent, and act suitably impressed. I know the show is trying to go out with a bang, and I don't begrudge them that. But there's not even a stage. It's just a flat runway on the floor in a bland, white room. The regular runway is more impressive than this. There are a lot of seats, though. Jeffrey wants to prove he belongs here. Michael's ready to buckle down and work.

Commercials. I don't understand advertising Barbies at this hour. I don't see them advertising cars during Saturday morning cartoons.

Two hours until the show. Guests arrive. The models are going through hair and makeup backstage. Unfortunately, there's no eleventh hour emergency, like Danzzz's missing purses or Chloe's hair issues to keep us in suspense. Michael freaks out that everything has to be perfect. One hour. The tent fills up. Laura is wearing her hair down, thank God. Half an hour. The eliminated designers and the finalists' families are in the audience, as are Chloe, Danzzz, and...Brandy? Whatever. Tim tells Laura she has ten minutes. Her hair's down. She fits a dress to a model. Her hair's up. She's fitting the model from a different angle. Her hair's down. Stop it, I'm gonna barf! Uli's ready to show the world what she can do. Michael's glad for the opportunity. Jeffrey feels amazing. And...time.

Heidi comes out onto the runway. Everyone claps and "woo!"s. Her dress is ugly. Michael Kors is wearing his sunglasses indoors again, which makes me want to punch him. Heidi introduces the judges, including guest judge Fern Mallis, creator of Fashion Week. Ooh, I love Fern! Let's start the show. The first designer to present is Jeffrey. He comes out and greets his family, including his parents, a beaming Melanie, and a crying Harrison. Heh. Hey, Jeffrey's dad is kind of cute! Jeffrey introduces his collection and goes backstage. I should say at the outset of his show that the music that he's chosen is terrible. It's ponderous and pensive, and doesn't match his collection at all. Out first is a red dress with white polka dots. There are swathes of solid red fabric peeking out in a couple of areas. I like it, although I could do without the white straps hanging down, and the model is kind of ugly. Next is the same polka dot material, but as a swimsuit. The model is also wearing a see-through jacket over it. Meh. Third is the same polka dot material as a babydoll dress (I think). The polka dot fabric is covered by a layer of see-through white fabric, and the bustier is also white. I like it. The model shouldn't lead with her stomach, though. It makes her look more pregnant than Laura. Stand up straight, troglodyte! Oof, I don't even know how to describe this next one. It's good, though. It's a red, checked, v-neck top that only covers the boobs in front, but widens to cover the shoulders and has sleeves. The rest is a fan of white straps, and she has white pants on. The next dress is half red/white stripes and half blue (or black)/white stripes, and the two colors each occupy a vertical half. It's all right. Next is a more typical Jeffrey outfit. The same blue or black striped fabric, but with a random swath of solid fabric in front of it, and a denim jacket. It's messy and uneven. Next is a shimmery silver tank top with a white jacket (edged with black), and white pants. There's a green/white striped handbag that doesn't really seem to go with the outfit, but whatever. Next is a sort of cadet blue dress that widens at the thighs. It looks like an upside-down heart shape. God, am I terrible at describing these. Next is a royal blue dress with pleating at the bottom. Then, the same royal blue, but over a pattern mixing the blue with white. It almost looks like a sky with clouds. It's neat. The next outfit is a shiny silver shirt with tan leather pants (complete with patches) and a green/white striped jacket. Claaaaaaashy. Finally, Marilinda in the same green/white striped fabric, but with interesting seams running all over fashioned into zippers. She looks good. In fact, that entire collection was worlds better than I was expecting it to be. Applause, etc.

Uli emerges and gleefully greets the audience. She's thankful for all the opportunities she's been given, and gives a shoutout to her family. She runs backstage. Her first outfit is classic Uli. It's a long print dress, kind of like giraffe stripes. The next one is a departure for her. It's dark tan, with a shimmery silver sash and belt, which is fastened with an animal tooth clasp. Neat! The next is the same two colors, but the dark tan is a skirt, while the shimmering silver is a sleeveless keyhole top, with one of those built-in chokers that I think are so pretty. Next is a rather dull, gray, thigh-length dress with a bit of fringe at the bottom, and it's accented by a necklace that looks like it's made out of handcuffs. Next, a prettier, shorter version of the same dress, but with a different silhouette. Oh, and the model's way prettier. That probably helps. Next is Amanda, working it in brown shorts and a shimmering, silver tank top. She really is a fantastic model. Next is a far less talented model, not working a tan, flowing dress with accents of silver. Next is another print dress, with fabric extremely similar, if not identical to, the dress that won Uli the freestyle challenge. Next is another print, but this in a brown and yellow fabric that is totally gorgeous. The model reaches down, and for a horrible moment, I thought she was going to pick a wedgie. But no, the dress unbuttons to reveal a matching bikini underneath. Stunning. Next is a purple print with zebra stripe accents, and an ill-advised center line of reflective material. This is a bit too Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk. Next, another giraffe-stripe print, but in a different silhouette. Finally, Nazri in a drop-dead gorgeous green jungle print that flows easily at the bottom. Applause, etc.

Commercials. I don't want to live in a world where people falling down isn't funny.

Big ol' pregnant Laura comes out. She says that she came on Project Runway hoping to make it big in the fashion world, and she did it! She pats her belly. Hehehe. That's corny, but she sold it. She walks backstage. High heels cannot be comfortable in her state. Ah, the music! Gnat about leaps out of her skin with glee. It's a very jaunty, flapperesque tune, like something you'd hear in the '20s, and I love it. Heidi's already dancing along. The first dress is a camel shade of brown, and is a turtleneck, with sparkly beading starting at about the navel and becoming more dense at the bottom. Lovely. The model has gorgeous, long, straight, red hair. Next is a dress that looks kind of like a rock garden. That's just what leapt immediately to mind when I saw it. There's a band of black around the breastline, and the cups don't seem to fit very well. I'm not feeling this one. The next dress is almost like a white negligee, with feathers at the bottom. Next is an odd outfit that consists of sparkly black shorts, a metallic gold blazer, and a puff of gold fabric at the shoulder. Next is a partially see-through, floor-length black dress, with amazing detail. Note to model: black bra next time. Next is a similarly see-through detailed black dress, but with black fur as the shoulders. Pretty! Next is sort of a combination of previous dresses. The top is the see-through black detail, the bottom is composed of black feathers. The next dress is black, with crisscross designs, and a cowl of black feathers at each shoulder. Next is a model with a terrible, terrible walk. The dress is black, and also has two cowls of black feathers, this time as the cup of the breasts. Next is a black dress that I'd usually dislike, because it has multiple layers of fringe. I'm anti-multiple layers AND anti-fringe. And yet this works. Helping are the loose bands around the ankles, which whip around awesomely. Next, a black suit with tight-fitting pants that look kind of like vinyl, and another detailed top. Finally, Camilla in a beautiful gray spangly dress with a sash of mustard yellow around the waist. Applause, etc. I'm so tired of describing clothes. Must! Get! Through!

The crowd goes nuts for Michael. He explains that his collection is called "Street Safari" and is about a woman on the hunt to discover who she is. Oh, dear. Judging from the first outfit, the woman's going to discover that she's a stone-cold hoochie. It's a sleeveless white dress with a collar that is open in the chest, and is crisscrossed with white laces. There's also a blindingly gold belt. Another terrible walk. Gnat says that it looks like the model's head is about to fall off. Next is a pair of white shorts and a knotted top. Next, a variation on the first outfit, but as a short skirt instead of a dress. Next, tight white pants, an open white shirt, and those awful sequined pockets that made me want to hurl last week. Oof. Next is a jungle green outfit, and I'm sorry to use the word "hoochie" so much, but there's just no other way to describe it. The next one, I like. It's a short...I guess you'd call it a sundress. It's just as risque, but it's a fiery yellow/orange color that I love. The next is dark orange shorts and a midriff-baring, matching top with a tall collar. Next, a magenta dress with the same laced chest and gold belt as the first. Next is a slinky, metallic, gold bathing suit. It's hot. Then there a print minidress with a leather belt. Another swimsuit, this one in crisscrossing white fabric. Finally, Clarissa in a longer version of the print minidress. Oh, Michael. I'm just so...let down. Applause, etc.

After show interviews. All four finalists are thrilled with the response they're getting. Brandy loved Michael and Uli's collections. A suit from WalMart says he's there to see what's going on the fashion world. I assume he's hiding his cloven hoofs with some nice shoes. Chloe apologizes to Michael via the camera, but thinks Uli's was the best. Some suit from L'oreal liked Laura's collection. The WalMart devil liked Uli's collection, but liked Michael more over the course of the season. And God damn it, we have to check in with Raymundo again. Why am I still seeing his face? He sucked, and got chunked third! Some random woman liked Jeffrey's passion. Heidi asks the WalMart devil if anyone's going to be picked up for his store. Elsewhere, Laura, Michael, Uli, and Jeffrey simultaneously shudder violently, and don't know why. Kayne thinks Uli rocked the shit out. He's got his arm around Katie, who doesn't get to say a word, because who cares what the opinion of the person who came in third-to-last is? RIGHT, RAYMUNDO?

Commercials. Marie Antoinette. More like Marie Antoi-NOT.

Parsons runway. The judges think the show was great. Fern says that everyone in the world wanted to be at that show. Fern, I'm a member of the world, and I'm just as happy watching it from my couch with a pint of Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch in front of me, thanks. The designers come out onto the runway. Heidi congratulates them all. Prizes are recapped. Fern is reintroduced. The models emerge. Just the main ones from the show. Not all 48, although that would have been funny. We start the critiques with Laura. She says she wanted to do a line of eveningwear that was romantic and escapist. The judges tell her that she made $8000 look like $30,000, and they're right. Kors is impressed at the level of detail in her beading. He thinks all of the outfits were gorgeous, but there were no surprises. Well, you can thank Tim for that. Nina reminds her that she's always known that a narrow design aesthetic was the judges' chief complaint, and it seems she didn't address that for the final show. Laura responds with something about the feather jackets and hem stiffness. Fern says that when doing eveningwear, it's perfectly acceptable to maintain a specific focus. Gnat begins to love Fern as much as I do.

Michael. He talks about his safari inspirations. Fern says that he was clearly the crowd favorite, and she wishes the collection stood up to that. She liked specific pieces, but was disappointed overall. LOVE FERN. Kors doesn't understand how Michael went so over-the-top. Michael says he really wanted to get a strong point of view across, but that he's still young, and hasn't done anything on this large a scale before. Nina and Heidi appreciated the range of outfits. Michael wraps up with "I did what I could do," and chews his lip nervously. Jeffrey talks about his Japanese ghost story inspirations. Fern likes the detailing on the dress Marilinda is wearing. Kors likes that he dressed the models along a kind of life timeline. Fern liked the edgier pieces he did, but didn't care for the times when he attempted elegance (bringing up the royal blue pieces as the example). Heidi informs the others that Jeffrey went overbudget. He explains how he got the figure back down. Uli wanted to show that she can do more than prints. Nina tells her that she thinks her clothes are terrific, and that women love them and will buy them. She says this all in a way that suggests a giant "BUT" is coming up, and it never does. Huh. Heidi says she'd wear every outfit that Uli made. Aw. Kors felt that there wasn't a connecting thread to the collection as far as color goes. Uli says that she wanted to show that she could use neutral colors, but that her inspiration comes from where she lives, which is very vibrant. She shrugs that maybe she should move to New York. Fern flies to her defense, saying that resortwear is possibly the biggest niche of fashion right now, and that Miami and sunshine are good inspirations. LOVE FERN. The designers are dismissed.

Deliberations. Uli makes clothes that women want. She's a good worker with an eye for detail. Kors says the overall season was a roller coaster for her, which means that her previous triumphs and disappointments are being considered. You'll want to remember that. Jeffrey is the most innovative of the designers. He had good variety without being unfocused. Everyone hated the long dress with what I called the cloud pattern. Heidi asks the other judges what they think of him going overbudget. We cut away so we can't hear the other judges say "What the fuck ever". Laura is incredibly meticulous. Her pieces are beautiful and timeless. Nina doesn't know if she's creative or innovative enough. As Fern said, so what? Think of some famous designers like Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger. Their aesthetic is just as narrow. Michael understands a woman's body, but his collection was tasteless. His motivations were noble, though. They like and dislike things about all four collections. Nina said that someone asked her on the way out of the show how to buy Uli's clothing. They seem to make a decision fairly quickly. The designers are brought back out.

And now for the final nice thing about someone I don't like: A lot of the other passengers on the Metro are irritating freaks, but hey, them not driving helps out the environment, which I'm always for.

Heidi says this was a hard decision. The judges believe in Michael's future as a designer, but he needs time to mature. He's out. He hugs his family backstage. He believes in himself, and vows to be back. I don't doubt it. Laura creates exquisite clothing, but is too limited. She's out. She thanks the judges. She says in her final interview that she achieved everything she was going for with the collection, and is completely at peace with the judges' decision. You rock, Laura. She knows that her participation in the world of fashion is just beginning. Uli and Jeffrey hug out on the runway. Jeffrey was innovative. Uli pushed herself, and made a beautiful collection. Congratulations...Jeffrey. Oh, fuck this. Let's get through the show bits first. Uli gives him another hug, gets the double kiss from Heidi, and goes backstage. She's happy for Jeffrey, and is fine with second place. Marilinda comes out to join Jeffrey, excited for her attendant win. Melanie, Harrison, and Jeffrey's parents come out so that we can all celebrate the victory of this pompous twat who reduces elderly women to tears. Blah blah "passion". Blah blah "intense happiness". He bounces Harrison around, then gets a congratulatory hug from Tim. He strikes a final HARDCORE pose behind the white screen, and we're done. Except for seeing Tim present him with his new Saturn Sky. It's a cute car, but I wouldn't think white is Jeffrey's color.

So. Season postmortem. First I suppose I should let everyone on all the websites I've been flapping my jaw at have a hearty chuckle at my expense. I never for a single moment thought Jeffrey would win, and have been arguing the reasons why for several weeks now. Yep, I'm an idiot. Laugh away. Got that out of your systems? Good. The reason I thought Jeffrey would never win is that beyond this being a fashion competition, it is a reality show. And reality shows have archetypes. And one of the aspects of the Asshole Archetype is that he or she doesn't win. Sure, sometimes an Asshole will get the Redemption Edit, but aside from being exonerated from cheating and professing undying love for his son, I didn't see that with Jeffrey. So if we're ignoring the clothes completely, I'd rather he have lost based solely on the fact that as a person, he didn't deserve to win. He's mean and artificial and snide and thinks he's about a hundred times cooler than he actually is.

"But Limecrete," I hear you say. "This is a show about clothing. Surely he deserved the win on that level."

Nope, I don't believe so. I did enjoy his final collection. I think that a lot of these pieces were better than most of the ones he did during the show combined. But they still weren't that good. For every one of Jeffrey's pieces that I liked, I liked one of Uli's or Laura's more. Jeffrey won because he pushed himself out of his usual aesthetic. So did Uli. Uli lost because she had so many ups and downs during the season. So did Jeffrey. People are already practically clawing themselves to get their hands on Uli's clothing. Jeffrey did something neat with zippers. So color me disappointed. No, I'm not going to be one of those prissy pearl-clutchers who dramatically announces that they're giving up this show 4-EVAH! But there is something deeply unsatisfying about devoting three months of my life to watching these people work and fight and laugh and cry, only to watch a condescending prick waltz off into the sunset with a spring in his step, and a big toy check in his pocket. Feh.

Overall Grade: C-
Overall Season Grade: B-

Finale - Part 2

Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 14

Previously on St. Patrick's Day: St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Limecrete took vacation every year to celebrate his Irish blood by getting ripped. Limecrete decided to pay one final honor to the day by writing this recap in green [Then changed it back to black because it was impossible to read in the new template -- June 22, 2006]

Previously on Project Runway: Tim Gunn visited the final three to see how their collections were coming, and the viewers were treated to all of their sob stories. The clear winner on the Sympathy-O-Meter was Chloe. Danzzz felt that Tim didn't like his collection enough. Everyone gathered in New York City, where Chloe and Danzzz let Santino off pretty easy for his backstabbing. Besides, they all needed to pull together to share in mutual frustration at the final challenge: a thirteenth look for the runway show. Yeek. Three designers remain. Who will win Project Runway tonight?

We return with 40 hours until showtime. All three designers are still trying to absorb the fact that they have to keep working. They look completely fried. Santino recaps for us who has whom for helpers. Thanks, show, but I think we could have figured it out. We get an extremely odd Frankenbyte where Danzzz #1 says "I chose a beautiful...", and Danzzz #2 says "mohair camel". If you're going to have a Frankenbyte, at least have the good grace to not show Danzzz #1 way back when, with his longer hair. Cripes. Nick worries about getting everything done. Chloe goes a different direction with her thirteenth piece, basically giving Diana (whom she always calls "Miss Diana", which I love) some basic ideas, then turning the whole project over to her. Andrae is being extremely helpful to Santino in trying to gently nudge him over his current creative block.

33 hours. Everyone's working madly. Chloe thinks Miss Diana is making the thirteenth piece too complex, and is proceeding too slowly. Probably true. They all leave for the night. 24 hours. Santino is exhausted, but manages to do another set of Timpressions that cracks everyone up. Love those! Tim, who must have some kind of radar up his butt, enters the room two seconds later with Collier Strong. The next couple of minutes are just a glorified product placement commercial, and since I'm not getting any compensation from [cosmetics company], I don't feel I owe them any attention. Take that! The assistant are still working on the thirteenth looks. Andrae is still trying to do as much as he can, while staying within the parameters that Santino has set (which are likely not many at this stage). Good for him. 12 hours. Tim comes in and compliments Danyelle (aw, I love her), who is being fitted in Santino's thirteenth look. It does look really good. Danzzz is ecstatic about his mohair camel dress and how it complements his collection. Chloe's is still in pieces. Diana is putting in pockets, which Tim feels is too ambitious, but the ladies tell him they can handle it. Tim gathers the final three to determine the presentation order. Danzzz will show first, Chloe second, and Santino third. Tim tells them they can work until 4 AM, and have a 5:30 AM call for the show. I'm not sure how much of a show it'll be when they all collapse from exhaustion on the runway. Tim hugs everyone and wishes them luck. They get back to work. Models enter and get fitted. Everyone's going crazy.

Commercials. When we return, it's 4 hours until the show. The exhausted designers get ready. Danzzz shows off the blazer he bought with Tim to Chloe. They all head for the tents, and wish each other luck. Aw. Santino calls Olympus Fashion Week the "Mount Everest of fashion". I say "Don't you mean Mount Olympus?" out loud, and then collapse into giggles, because I am the biggest fucking nerd to walk the planet. The designers see all the empty chairs, and soak up the amount of people who will be seeing their stuff. 3 hours. Everyone's getting organized for the show. Danzzz actually has what appear to be his models sitting on the floor, sewing. Good God, that was risky (and not a little unprofessional, but whatever). What would he have done if they couldn't sew? The assistants show up with 2 and a half hours to go. Tim chides Danzzz for his sewing circle. Chloe temporarily abandons her clothing to check on her models' hair and makeup. She has a lot of issues with them, and points out what needs fixing. She apologizes for being a bitch about it, but rightly says that this is a time that she really needs to get what she wants. That was Chloe being a bitch? She seemed perfectly polite about it to me.

More hair and makeup ensues. Nick is supervising some finishing touches. The audience starts to stream in, including all of the eliminated designers, and the final three's families. Danzzz is missing a bag with his purses in it. He's freaking out about it far less than I would be at this point. He tells Tim that they're missing, and Tim tells him that "things happen for a reason", because he's never liked those purses. Meow! Santino sews Tarah into a dress. His mom is in the audience, and is adorable. She interviews how proud she is of him. Aw. More audience shots. Season 1's Jay and Austin. Carson Kressley. Danzzz's parents. Guess which two of that group aren't gay. I like to toss an easy one your way once in a while. Backstage, Danzzz smooches a girl who has found his missing purses. And...showtime!

Heidi steps out onto the runway. She introduces the show and guest judge Debra Messing. Nina and Michael are also present, as always. Michael is wearing sunglasses. Indoors. To judge a fashion competition. Tool. Let's start the show! Danzzz comes out to introduce his collection. He thanks everyone. He wants to address his family, but doesn't know where they are. They are sitting three feet away from him. Hee. Everyone giggles, and he dedicates the collection to them. First is a flowery white top intermixed with navy blue, with a navy blue skirt. The second is a long, navy blue dress with several buttons. The model's hair looks terrible. The third is a sort of coat/dress. This is the first really impressive piece. It's white, with a double column of buttons, and it's layered at the neck. Next is an outfit so boring, I can't even fathom it. It a sea-foam green tank top, white pants, and one of those giganto purses. Next, Rachael! How the hell did she get cast in this? She has a navy blue dress with a leathery patch attached at the bustline. It foofs at the bottom, which brings to my mind those paper crowns you see on turkeys sometimes. Next, a combination of the sea-foam green fabric as a top, with the flowery white-on-navy fabric for the bottom. That looks really clashy to me. Next, Ugly Eliza! Man, Danzzz needs better taste in models. The outfit is cute, though. It's gray pants, and a dark red top accentuated by flesh-colored fabric in the bustline and sleeves. Next is the thirteenth look, the mohair camel dress. It's quite cool. Then, another clashy outfit. It appears to be a white tennis skirt (but longer - I call it a tennis skirt because it has those ruffles), a purple shirt, and a navy blue sleeveless wool jacket, with white fluff at the armholes and neckline. Yuck. The next one's better. It's that sea-foam green again, but shows some creative design. The top is almost like a sash or robe. It has a nice Asian twist to it. The pants paired with it are just pants. Next, a fuschia top with darker purple pants (and another giganto purse). Except for some foof on the cuffs, it's extremely unimaginative. But pretty. Next, a dress that calls back to some of the nicer ones Danzzz did in the challenges. It's a deep purple dress with a matching jacket. Danzzz seems to do better with dresses than other outfits. Finally, Rebecca in a really gorgeous chocolate brown dress (except for another of those bustline patches). They begin the shot with it swirling around her feet, and I immediately think "Oh my God, how can she walk in that without tumbling?". Three seconds later, she stumbles. Yeek. She saves herself, though. All the models come out for a final strut. As someone who often loved Danzzz's work throughout the show, that was supremely disappointing. If you haven't checked out Kara's decoy line on the BRAVO website, do so now. Aside from the odd preponderance of knit hats, isn't it way better than Danzzz's? Commercials.

We come back on Chloe emerging from backstage. She nervously introduces her line, and thanks her family and boyfriend for coming. Her boyfriend's hot. She brings up that her passion has been questioned throughout the process, and hopes her collection puts those fears to rest. Hit it! OK, strange. The first piece is a shiny, hot pink dress that poofs out on the sleeves. It's unlike anything Chloe ever made during the challenges. I don't like it very much, though I may have felt differently if it were a different color. Next is the green print dress we saw when Tim visited Chloe's house, but with a band of pink around the waist. It's very cute and brings springtime to mind, which is great for the entire audience who are all sick to death of winter by this point. It's cut at the shoulders, but forms a sort of choker for the neck. Super cute. The next look is also made from the same print, but is longer, and made into a more classical shape. It's still super cute. Next, another regrettable shiny hot pink dress. This has what looks like a last-minute attachment of ruffle at the bottom, and a matching detachable shrug. I think the model is Lesley. I liked her. I wish she were wearing one of the better outfits. Next, another shiny dress, this one in gold. It also has a matching shrug. Next, Shannon (I believe) comes out looking spectacular in either really dark red or dark purple. It's pants with a gold trimline, a matching jacket, and some kind of webbed underlay. I have trouble describing the more complex outfits, but it's awesome. Next is the thirteenth look, a simple gold baby doll dress. Looks like the pockets worked out after all. Next, another in that really nice dark red or purple. It's a slim dress with some lacy fringe at the bottom that's not to my tastes at all. What's really neat about it are the curved seams in front. They're really, really attractive. Ooh, more goodness! A dark purple skirt with a busy, kind of earth-toned top and a lacy, cranberry-colored shrug. Gorgeous. Next, a dress in the classic shade of blue Chloe has favored several times. There's a nice sense of symmetry to that. The back is almost wholly cut out, which provides a good contrast from the front. It also has those awesome curvy seams. Then, two dresses in a softer blue (but with what I call the Chloe blue accents) that have spots of green on them. They're kind of map looking, and very pretty. Finally, Grace in a wonderful turquoise dress with a very imaginative cutout pattern in the back. Very nice collection. I could have done without the shiny dresses, but I loved it overall.

Santino comes out. He gives props to himself and his mom (calling her "the shit" - classy). His music features his own voice. That's some impressive narcissism. First is a soft pink dress that has the same trailing train that tripped up Rebecca. This model manages to walk, somehow. It's pretty, and very subdued for Santino. The second look is hard to describe. It's cranberry red leather pants overlayed with a fringed mauve top. That sounds horrible, but it's really not. Next, a light green dress trimmed with black. There are no feathers or beads or any sort of shit hanging off of it. Who are you and what have you done with Santino? Next, a leather skirt in tannish-red, with a mauve sleeveless top. Then another soft pink dress. These are tremendously understated. I should also say that I think he's picked the prettiest models. Next up is Danyelle in the thirteenth look, and she looks smashing. It's a mauve dress with a webbed shrug that's cut out in back. It fits into the collection really well. Jeez, was there an Everything Mauve Must Go Sale in Santino's neighborhood? The next is mauve pants and a tank top with a red shrug over that. Finally, something in purple. A short dress with a tan jacket accented with the same purple. Not bad. Next is a really pretty fire-engine red dress. It flows beautifully. Ah, here's a true Santino piece. Vampyra. It's a silvery skirt, and a black leather bustier with attached dark purple flowing sleeves. It's really creative design-wise, but not very pretty, especially on such a white bread model. The multi-colored rainbow sherbet fabric is up next in a simple dress, and looks good. Then, more mauve! Finally, Heather in the rainbow sherbet fabric, this time as a longer dress, and ruffled. It looks good, which may be helped along by the fact that Heather is gorgeous. She does a cute little twirl that sends the fabric swirling. Not a bad collection. He interviews that he wanted to tone it down a bit for the show, and that he certainly did.

After-show interviews. The final three get their pictures taken. They hug their families. Chloe tells a reporter she feels like she's already won. Shhhh! Don't tempt Fate like that, Chloe, even though I agree with you. Someone from People magazine introduces himself to Danzzz. Ew. Meet someone from a better magazine, Danzzz. Season 1's Jay thinks Danzzz should win. Some random design director chooses Chloe. As she says this, there's a shot of Chloe being interviewed, but in the background Grace is standing with Chloe's family, and is a full two heads taller than all of them. Hahahaha. It looks like she's Gamera come to destroy their city. Season 1's Kara Saun says that Santino has a "creative point of view". Commercials.

The designers come out onto the runway (the original one, not the Olympus one). They all look sick to their stomachs. Heidi has tied her hair back, but it's framing her face oddly, making her look very ovoid. Some general blah describing the events we've just spent three weeks watching. The models come out. Debra asks Danzzz about his theme. He says it's a combination of Japanese sleekness and military. Michael tells him the dress that Rebecca is wearing is very pretty, but has no connection with a military theme, and he really wants to rip that bustline patch right off of her. I agree. It'd be way better without it. All the judges like the camel dress thirteenth look immensely. Nina says that Danzzz showed a great range of styles, showing pants and sweaters and dresses and such. I'd say that although he may have made several different types of clothing, the styles were very similar. There was only two or three pieces that showed real imagination, which is what I consider to be "range". Nina follows up by saying that although Danzzz had this range, that meant that his line lacked cohesiveness. Danzzz looks really shocked that the judges feel this way.

Nina and Michael note how out-of-character Santino's line was. Debra again asks for a description of the theme, which in this case is 1940s Hollywood. I don't really see that theme reflected at all in these clothes, but whatever. Nina says that his clothes may be too safe. And may I just say, Nina spent episode after episode after episode telling Santino to tone down his work, and this is what she says when he finally does? That's bullshit. Heidi jumps in to ask how the dresses were fitted. Santino says he did his work on a dress form, and never really fitted human beings. Heidi notes that the tops are a problem; that the boobs were never in the right place in relation to the clothes. They flash back to the runway show, and she's got a point. Nina, perhaps regretting her earlier comment, tells Santino she doesn't want him to change his stylistic choices, and that he definitely belongs in fashion.

Debra likes the heavy fabric and structured dresses of Chloe's collection. Michael wonders why she concentrated on evening wear. Nina opines that Chloe may have done that because it's easier, but Chloe disabuses her of that notion, saying that she does sportswear for her shop, and the evening wear collection was a chance to challenge herself and branch out. Good answer. Heidi isn't wild about the matching shrugs that a lot of the dresses had. It sounds like she wanted some more contrast there. Chloe points out that the shrugs are removeable, getting what I feel is a silent jab in at Heidi. You can almost feel the "Duuuuuuuh" hanging in the air. Debra compliments the gold baby doll thirteenth look. Chloe says that she did pieces she loves so that no matter the outcome of the show, she would be happy with her work.

Heidi asks Santino what he has that the other two don't. Oof, I hate these kinds of questions. He says that he's more confident in his designs, which is an asset. OK, I'll buy that. Chloe says that although all three of them are competent, passionate, and creative, she's got the business acumen to back up her work. It's not just "Hey, look at the pretty stuff I made." Another good answer. Danzzz says he has his own point of view. Zzzzzzz. He's really blowing it tonight. Heidi dismisses them. Deliberations. Everyone's disappointed that once you take away Santino's flair, not much remains. Nina thinks the judges may have beaten him down. Chloe's work is always professional and polished. They note the awesome seams. Michael feels she doesn't have a lot of showmanship, though. Um, who cares? She's already said she designs work to be sold in a store. Putting together a runway show is the least of her concerns. Nina wishes Chloe's work was more versatile. Michael thinks Danzzz has sophisticated taste for someone with not a lot of experience. The judges seem to like his thirteenth piece the most, which is not a very good compliment when you stop to think about it. "Hey, the stuff you spent five months on sucks, but the last-minute dress that you had help with was sure great!" They note he's young and eager to learn, but aren't feeling the theme of his collection. The judges make up their minds. Nina hedges a bit more than the others, which surprises me. She always seems to know exactly what she likes. The designers are called back out. Commercials.

Decision time! Heidi tells them it was a tough choice. Santino is cut first, naturally. The second he became the season's villain, he doomed himself to failure. Villains don't win. Something to think about if you ever go on a reality show and are tempted to insult everyone around you. Backstage, he says that it sucks to be a loser, but then sarcastically puts on a cheery face and says "But I'm not a loser! I'm a winner!" Yeah, that smarm right there? That's why you lost. Cheers. Back on the runway, Heidi drags out the final decision as long as she possibly can. Danzzz and Chloe clutch each other. "Chloe..." Ohgodohgodohgodohgod. "Congratulations, you are the winner of Project Runway." YES! Danzzz gives her a kiss on the side of the head. Chloe gets as thrilled as she ever gets. No jumping. No screaming. Just a wide smile. Aw. Heidi comes forward and eliminates Danzzz. Now, that's just unnecessary. Michael offers him a job. Sweet. He thanks everyone and goes backstage. He interviews that he's proud of himself, and is confident that he'll still do well. I concur. Heidi leads Grace back out onto the runway to receive her own prize of a fashion spread. Aw, snap. She's a great model, and deserves it. She has her first and only interview of the show talking about how happy she is for Chloe and how great it'll be to wear her clothes in Elle. Chloe's family and hot boyfriend flood the runway. Chloe talks about how much work she's put into it, and how happy she is. Yay! We go out on Tim presenting her with her new Saturn convertible. I'm thrilled.

Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: B+

And that's the end of Season 2. I'd never seen the show before this season, and I am blown away with how much I liked it. I've had some fantastic discussions with people, and some wonderful blow-out arguments with others about who deserved to win and who deserved to go and such. Bravo, Bravo.