Beaumont, We Have a Problem

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 12

Previously on Top Chef: We got taken out to the ballgame, but nobody bought us any peanuts or Cracker Jacks. Angelo declined to help Amanda out of her jam, while Kevin declined to act like an adult. Ed won the challenge, while Amanda won a trip back home. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In addition to the usual fine spread of meats, cheeses, and wines, our gracious hosts put together a spectacular fruit salad. I'm glad I was able to get my hands on such fine peaches before summer ends. For Drinking Game Rule #12, why don't you take a nice swig whenever Ed and Tiffany interact in such a way that their partners back home probably wouldn't appreciate.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Kevin admits he's dodged some big bullets. And how. Take a look at the seventeen chefs that started out the season, and tell me you thought he would make it to this point. Out on the smoking patio, Angelo and Kelly talk about their lives back home. Kelly misses her husband, while Angelo talks about his marriage imploding because his ex-wife's family didn't approve of his career. Huh? What's to disapprove of? It's not like he sells Shake Weights out of his basement. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Dana Cowin, who always shows up to guest judge towards the end of the season. Ed describes one of the quirks of the social media age, and tells us he's Facebook friends with her, even though he's sure she has no idea who he is. Heh. Much like last week, the challenge is fairly uninspired. All the chefs have to do is select a wine, then make a dish to pair with that wine. Even if the pairings turn out to matter a great deal -- which they won't -- this gives the chefs almost complete freedom, and thus, no restrictions to challenge their skills. This kind of Quickfire is fine once in a while, but not two in a row, and not for the final five chefs, who should have an obstacle or two. So, let's skip the wine selection and get to the good part. The "good part", incidentally, is not Padma's outfit. She looks like she needs to rush off and open doors for Upper East Side apartment dwellers. The good part is that there is a prize attached to this Quickfire. The winner gets a trip to London, which would be fantastic. I love London.

Padma starts the hour countdown, and the chefs rush off to get their ingredients. Kevin attempts to braise his pork belly in the pressure cooker. Kelly asks anyone if they've got some spare time, which confused me greatly until I realized that she was asking if anyone had some spare thyme. She's working with wild boar and blue cheese. Ed grabs a ribeye, as does Tiffany. Kevin realizes that his pork belly will never be done on time, and decides to start from scratch with quail. He's upset about the whole situation, but it's too late to do anything about it. Time runs out.

Padma and Dana go down the line. Tiffany has crusted her beef with cocoa and black pepper, and serves it atop a spring risotto. Huh, I never would have considered pepper and cocoa together. It sounds intriguing. Kevin has put forth some grilled quail with apples, and a fennel salad with apple vinaigrette. Angelo has sauteed foie gras with black salt and a fennel salad in a cumin/basil broth. WANT. That looks fantastic. Kelly has wild boar tenderloin in blackberry sauce with mache and a blue cheese emulsion. Ed's grilled ribeye is served with potato risotto and a mushroom ragout. Results. First in the bottom two is Kevin, whose quail couldn't stand up to the wine. He's followed by Kelly, whose blue cheese foam took her dish off the charts, and not in the good way. The top two are Angelo, whose dish was good and substantial, and Tiffany, who made a terrific reduction and seasoned her meat well. The winner of the challenge and the trip to London is... Angelo. He's pleased to have gotten his groove back without having to go on an expensive beach vacation and pick up Taye Diggs.

Padma tells the chefs that the final Elimination Challenge will be more important than ever, as it will determine the chefs who will go on to cook in the final rounds in... Singapore. Oh, snap! That sounds fun. Especially if they ask the chefs to impress locals with Singaporean food. Angelo tells us that he "feels Asian inside -- 100% I tingle when I think about it." Settle down, spaz. He really wants to go to the finals now, more than ever. DRINK! Padma tells the chefs that they'll be getting the details of this challenge at NASA, which geeks everyone out. Kelly happily tells us that she went to space camp when she was a kid. Nerd! Later, the chefs head to the Goddard Space Flight Center, where they're met by Ptom and Vicki Kloeris, the head food scientist for NASA. Now, I don't have anything against adults with braces, but this lady reminds me so much of a grownup version of Logainne SchwartzandGrubenierre, I'm just going to go ahead and call her Logainne for the rest of the recap. I'm gunning for firstht prizttth!

Panny: "That low lighting in the flight center is not doing her any favors."

My science nerd heart flutters when the chefs get a video message from two of the astronauts on the space station, who gamely release some freeze-dried food packets so they can float around in zero gravity. They explain that the challenge is for the chefs to make a dish that fulfills all of the requirements to be served in space, nutritionally, taste-wise, and of course, practically. So, no poached eggs, please. The winning dish will be recreated at the NASA food labs and flown up to the space station. That's pretty awesome. The chefs will be serving a table of eight diners that will include Buzz Aldrin. Logainne hints that successfully freeze-dried food will not contain a lot of sugar, nor will it be presented in gigantic chunks. Astronauts love themselves some spicy food, though. The chefs are equal parts excited and terrified at this point.

Shopping. Ed stocks up on Moroccan ingredients. Tiffany inquires after fresh whitefish. Angelo rams his cart into some poor, unsuspecting shopper. Kevin's game plan is to make comfort food to remind the astronauts of home. Back in the Kitchen, the chefs get started on their prep work. Tiffany puts some mussels in the fridge. Kevin notes with concern that the other chefs are going for more ethnic dishes, while he's focusing on pure Americana. Tiffany is proud of her sauce. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. The segment stays true to its name. Towards the end of prep time, Kelly discovers that the refrigerator has gotten too cold. Tiffany's mussels have frozen, and are now unusable. She gives us the titular quote that I simply could not improve upon. Back at the house, Tiffany frets, and Ed tries to buck up her spirits. Kevin tells us for perhaps the thousandth time this episode that despite his mistakes, he's resilient and will keep on fighting for the win. Consider it understood. No need for another thousand reminders.

The next day, the chefs discover a note in their kitchen. It tells them that that their ride to the challenge is waiting, and whoever wins the challenge gets to keep the car. Nice! If the prospect of getting their food shot into space wasn't enough incentive, this certainly is. Once at their destination, the chefs get an additional hour to get their food ready. The executive chef of the trade center where they're cooking tells them to ask if they need anything. Unfortunately, he's not able to provide the one thing they truly need, which is a lot more square footage. Everyone is crammed into a pretty tight space. Tiffany decides to finish her sauce a different way, since she won't be able to use her mussels. An adorable shot of her working at IHOP back in the day is shown. Angelo thinks his sauce is too sweet, and course corrects. Ed decides to leave a layer of fat on his ribs. Same goes for the ones in the pan. Thank you! I'm here all week! A frustratingly tight plating area is set up.

Out in the appropriately space-themed dining room, the diners get seated. In addition to Padma, Ptom, and Eric, we have Buzz Aldrin, Logainne, Anthony Bourdain, and astronauts Sandra Magnus and Leland Melvin. It's a good thing he's an astronaut, because if he weren't, there's nowhere for a "Leland Melvin" to go except accounting or chess-playing. Kelly's dish goes out first. She has made pan-roasted Alaskan halibut, with an artichoke and fennel barigoule, and some salsa verde. The diners like the fish a great deal, but the amount of sauce presents a problem for Logainne. "You couldn't have this much extraneous fluid in space," she says, giving me something to nonsensically quote for a week. Thanks, Logainne! Sandra likes the crunch of the artichokes, saying that it's not often a texture found in space foods.

Ed finishes up his plating in a sea of sweat. He explains his Moroccan influence to the diners, and presents yogurt-marinated rack of lamb, with an eggplant puree and a couscous croquette on hummus. That looks delightful. Again, the flavors are great, but there is a practical problem. In this case, it's the bone jutting out of the lamb. Astronauts can't wander to the curbside trashcan, so they try to generate as little waste as possible. Eric sniffs that the dish is too complicated, and Anthony nails him, saying that Ed captured the spirit of Moroccan food perfectly. Kevin has made New York strip steak with a bacon/jalapeno marmalade, corn puree, and crisped onions. Again, the food is well-received, and again, there's a bit of an issue, because there's no way the onions would be able to maintain their texture in the freeze-drying process. Sandra likes it anyway. She shares the story of a cosmonaut who left the USSR to go up into space, and by the time he came back down, it was Russia. There's a mindfuck for you. Hey, your country completely changed identities while you were gone. Hope that's okay!

Tiffany is up next, and regrets not being able to use those mussels. She's got pan-seared Alaskan halibut with a coconut curry, snow pea shoots, and jasmine rice. Not to speak for others, but I'm not sure an astronaut who downs a load of curry would be very popular with his shipmates. Eric is not wild about her sauce, saying that it doesn't really come together to elevate the halibut. Anthony loves the inclusion of fish sauce. Leland talks about greedy astronauts on the space station who didn't share their ice cream the last time he made a delivery. Well, that was a little stingy of them. He didn't exactly roll up in a van with a bell on it to deliver it. Angelo comes out with his ginger-lacquered short ribs, with a horseradish creme fraiche sauce, pickled mushrooms, and a pea puree. DRINK! Buzz enjoys the mushrooms, though he wonders how they would be packaged for a space journey. Ptom hates the candied ginger, but likes everything else. Eric again comes up with a miniscule complaint, and Bourdain again nails him for being too picky. It's kind of awesome. Back in the kitchen, Angelo is emotional, because he feels like he "put his heart on the plate". Ew. Padma thanks the diners, and dinner winds down.

Interstitial. The chefs tear into each other's leftovers, and anxiety permeates the room. Nobody out-and-out screwed up, so anyone could take the challenge at this point. Kevin reminds us again that he really, really, really wants to go to the finals. YES. WE'VE. GOT. IT.

Judges' Table. What's this? Odd Asian Music and Gong are back! Here I thought they were gone forever. Welcome! All the chefs come into the dining room. Ptom congratulates them on a wonderful meal, and tells them that the difference between the winner and loser is very small. That will be cold comfort to the losing chef, but it's nice to hear that everyone turned it out. Bourdain tells Ed that a million things could have gone wrong with his Moroccan dish, but nothing did, and he really pulled it off. Eric says that it was too complicated, but clearly shows that Ed has talent. Tiffany's fish was well-cooked, but her tomatoes were a bit mealy, and the skin on the peppers was bitter. Tiffany explains her troubles with the mussels, and the judges seem to understand what she was aiming for. Bourdain wishes she would have used a stronger fish to stand up to her sauce.

Kelly's artichokes were perfect. Angelo's crystallized ginger was too sugary, but the rest of the plate was great. Angelo responds that he wanted to focus on precision, and that he feels like he "made love" to his short ribs. I'm starting to sense that Angelo's choice of profession was not his ex-wife's problem; it's that he constantly says things like that. Bourdain admits that he has no idea what Angelo is blathering on about, but that he loved the dish. Kevin's meat was cooked perfectly, and the bacon/jalapeno sauce gave it a nice kick. Ptom's only problem was that he wishes the steak would have been cut thicker. Because it's not like Logainne specifically warned the chefs against doing just that. Except for the part where she did. Nimrod. Anthony calls his dish a bit safe, but Kevin is ready for that one, admitting that he was purposely aiming for familiar, comforting food. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ed accomplished his goals, had a nice presentation, and displayed great technique. Eric's favorite was Kelly's dish, but her food wasn't particularly creative. Angelo's plate was great, though Ptom harps again on the ginger. Kevin paid attention to the astronauts' wishes, and his food was delicate, if a bit boring. Tiffany's curry sauce was great, but she had multiple little problems that all worked against her. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. First, the good news. The challenge winner will not only have their food served in space, and not only get a copy of Bourdain's new book, and not only win a car, and not only move onto the finals in Singapore, but has been invited to watch one of the two remaining shuttle launches at Cape Canaveral. Damn, tonight's winner is cleaning up! That winner is... Angelo, who has won all those prizes in addition to his Quickfire London trip. For once, he's struck almost speechless, and needs some time to process all this good news. He's dismissed back to the Kitchen. Now, for the bad news. Each of the remaining four chefs did an admirable job, but someone has to be the unlucky one to go home. Tiffany. Please pack your knives and go. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Kevin thanks Jesus. Oh, shut up, prick. Jesus hates you.

Tiffany thanks the judges for the opportunity, and goes back to the Kitchen, where Angelo gives her a giant hug. In her final interview, she tells us that it's difficult to come so far and not be able to go on to the finals. It's hard for us too, girl! The remaining chefs come back to say good-bye. Ed sings Tiffany's praises as he hugs her. DRINK! Tiffany is naturally upset, but tells us that she's happy to have been part of the competition. And don't forget the free wedding and honeymoon you got! That should help cheer you up on the trip back home.

Overall Grade: B