Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 12
Previously on Top Chef: A drumline brought us a drumstick Quickfire. Carrie got down with her bad self, then got back up and won immunity. In the Elimination Challenge, the chefs got carted off to college, but instead of playing frisbee golf on the quad, they were forced to serve their food to 500 students simultaneously. Carlos offhandedly implicated Nicholas in an oven-stealing scandal, which raised Nicholas' fury level from zero to nonplussed. Shirley continued her streak of winning when it matters most, scoring a car with nothing more than some Grade-A roast beef. Justin stumbled for the last time, and no amount of self-confidence could save him when his bland plate of flavorless shrimp got him expelled. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Quickfire. The chefs are welcomed into the Kitchen by Padma, guest judge John Besh, and a bucket of live crawfish who are all making desperate bids for freedom. Seriously, it's like a scene in a horror movie, with oceanic cockroaches swarming all over everything. Today's challenge is for each chef to create their own version of an étouffée. I enjoy a good étouffée, but haven't had one in a while. It's a stew made up of a slow-cooked roux and something like andouille (or crawfish in this case) that smothers rice (traditionally), though I presume the chefs are free to do whatever they'd like for now. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go!
We learn that Stephanie has a violent allergic reaction to particular types of shellfish, so she can't even touch the crawfish. As someone with a misery-inducing allergy to scallops, I empathize. Carrie graciously offers to prep the critters for Stephanie, and Nicholas promises to taste her dish to offer seasoning adjustment advice. Carlos interviews that he's never heard of étouffée, so he's making some bullshit shrimp soup. Um, I believe Carlos may have heard of étouffée once before. Like thirty seconds ago. Dishes begin to come together. Standouts include Shirley's crab étouffée, which uses crawfish stock, and includes cucumber and egg, and Brian's Korean chili paste étouffée with corn, crab meat, crawfish, peppers, and andouille. Yuuuuuum to both of those. Stephanie makes gnocchi, because if someone on this season doesn't make it every twenty minutes, a penguin is executed.
Time runs out. Padma and Besh go down the line. Carrie falls to the bottom with muddled flavors, Nicholas and Carlos didn't sufficiently smother anything, and Stephanie's dish is more of a bisque. That leaves Shirley, Brian, and Nina's spicy Italian-style étouffée (with pasta in a tomato crawfish broth) as the top three. The winner of the challenge and immunity is... Shirley! Yay! I don't know if she's got it in her to win the season, but I'd like to see her go as far as possible.
Elimination Challenge. Padma explains that the chefs will be making dishes that highlight two different kinds of seafood for a shore-side festival at which there will be...1,000 guests. Various chefs have heart attacks before Padma giggles that she's just joshing them, and there will only be 200. Heh. Solid burn, Padma. Before the challenge starts, the guests get to have dinner at Besh's house, which looks lovely.
The next day, the chefs ride to the challenge. Upon hearing that Carlos plans to make a crudo, Brian asks him if he made sure to sharpen his knives to get a consistent cut. Carlos assures him that he has. There's isn't a shot of a vulture circling overhead, but there may as well be. When the chefs arrive at the festival site, they pick their duo of seafood out of a giant truck. The tuna, oysters, and shrimp are snapped up, though I see a lot of people selecting amberjack as well. I don't believe I've ever tried that fish; I'm curious to know how it tastes. As Nicholas shucks oysters, Carlos asks to borrow his sushi knife, because wait for it, his knife isn't sharp enough to get even cuts. At first, Nicholas hardly feels like doing Carlos any favors, and says no. He can't force himself to be a vindictive guy for long, though, and relents. He does plead with Carlos to treat the knife with respect, as it's a special one he got as a wedding present. I hope he and missus were careful unwrapping that one. Carlos is still short on time, and winds up cutting his fish portions in half in order to have enough for all the guests.
Service. A long line immediately piles up at Stephanie's station, because she is frying oysters to order, as well as topping them with some elaborate garnish. The guests are less than gracious about it, like, just drink your free wine and enjoy your free gourmet food and shut the hell up, jerks. Her secondary seafood is raw tuna, and the whole dish is served with pickled chili and mushrooms. Hmm. I've long maintained that I don't like mushrooms, but I do like anything pickled. It'd be interesting to see which side would win out in this case. Brian has made a grilled swordfish, which looks good until he piles fennel relish on top. Nicholas' dish is a bit too frou-frou, and looks like green oyster parfait. Carlos has an amberjack ceviche, and he learned his smothering lesson too late, as the whole thing is buried in peaches. Nina has marinated wahoo tuna (another fish I've never tried) with some salsa verde and pickled vegetables. Carrie has shredded her flounder and oyster emulsion into croquettes with pickled cucumber. That sounds good, but she rightfully worries that she hasn't highlighted the seafood, which is the entire point of the challenge. Shirley has made a ceviche with amberjack and tuna. Her accompanying components (aged soya sauce, lime dressing, toasted pecans, and crispy fried shallots) have me clawing at the screen to get some.
When service is over, Nicholas goes looking for the Knife That Solidified a Marriage, and finds it, covered in crusty bits of dried fish. The show would like you to think this is akin to Carlos casually tossing it into a vat of sulfuric acid. Nicholas is pissed that Carlos treated the knife he loaned him as a favor so cavalierly, especially after the bullshit Carlos pulled in the last challenge. Nicholas is close to the boiling point. Hey, I'm on your side, man. Carlos definitely should have treated the knife more respectfully. But let's just bring the horrors perpetrated on the innocent cutting implement down a few notches.
Fret 'n sweat. Besh thinks the ceviches were too much of a "safe" choice, but that didn't stop the judges from liking Shirley's quite a bit. Stephanie, Nina, and Brian also get some nice praise for their dishes. On the flip side, Carlos' peach/shrimp topping was nice, but completely overwhelmed the fish. Nicholas' dish was overly ambitious. Carrie's croquettes could have been made out of anything, and didn't feature the fish in any way, shape, or form. So we know the bottom three and the top four. The only question is, who's going to occupy the safe middle spot this week? It's Shirley, so Nina, Brian, and Stephanie go to Judges' Table to see who will pull down the win. Stephanie's fried oyster was perfectly elevated by the salad, and nobody even gives her shit for the time it took her to execute them. Brian's sauce was amazing, and Nina gets credit for using wahoo in a creative and delicious way. The chef who highlight their seafood the best is... Stephanie. I don't doubt it; a good fried oyster is about the best thing in the world.
Carlos, Nicholas, and Carrie come out to face the music. Carlos' fish portions were way too small and nobody could taste it under all that peach. Nicholas' dish was too soft and lacked acid. Carrie completely whiffed the point of the challenge, and didn't feature her fish at all. It's actually Carrie's first appearance in the bottom three tonight, but she makes it count, as Padma tells her to pack her knives and go. It was a rough one for the judges, and Padma makes sure to say how much Carrie will be missed in the competition. Carrie is sad, of course, but takes her loss with grace. She has enjoyed every step of the competition, and is proud of how much she learned. Damn. It's getting down to the wire, now. I'm sorry to see Carrie go, but after that episode, I'm even sorrier that I don't have any fish in the place. Me want oyster.
Overall Grade: B
Showing posts with label E12. Show all posts
Showing posts with label E12. Show all posts
Monday, January 13, 2014
Monday, September 06, 2010
Beaumont, We Have a Problem
Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 12
Previously on Top Chef: We got taken out to the ballgame, but nobody bought us any peanuts or Cracker Jacks. Angelo declined to help Amanda out of her jam, while Kevin declined to act like an adult. Ed won the challenge, while Amanda won a trip back home. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. In addition to the usual fine spread of meats, cheeses, and wines, our gracious hosts put together a spectacular fruit salad. I'm glad I was able to get my hands on such fine peaches before summer ends. For Drinking Game Rule #12, why don't you take a nice swig whenever Ed and Tiffany interact in such a way that their partners back home probably wouldn't appreciate.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Kevin admits he's dodged some big bullets. And how. Take a look at the seventeen chefs that started out the season, and tell me you thought he would make it to this point. Out on the smoking patio, Angelo and Kelly talk about their lives back home. Kelly misses her husband, while Angelo talks about his marriage imploding because his ex-wife's family didn't approve of his career. Huh? What's to disapprove of? It's not like he sells Shake Weights out of his basement. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Dana Cowin, who always shows up to guest judge towards the end of the season. Ed describes one of the quirks of the social media age, and tells us he's Facebook friends with her, even though he's sure she has no idea who he is. Heh. Much like last week, the challenge is fairly uninspired. All the chefs have to do is select a wine, then make a dish to pair with that wine. Even if the pairings turn out to matter a great deal -- which they won't -- this gives the chefs almost complete freedom, and thus, no restrictions to challenge their skills. This kind of Quickfire is fine once in a while, but not two in a row, and not for the final five chefs, who should have an obstacle or two. So, let's skip the wine selection and get to the good part. The "good part", incidentally, is not Padma's outfit. She looks like she needs to rush off and open doors for Upper East Side apartment dwellers. The good part is that there is a prize attached to this Quickfire. The winner gets a trip to London, which would be fantastic. I love London.
Padma starts the hour countdown, and the chefs rush off to get their ingredients. Kevin attempts to braise his pork belly in the pressure cooker. Kelly asks anyone if they've got some spare time, which confused me greatly until I realized that she was asking if anyone had some spare thyme. She's working with wild boar and blue cheese. Ed grabs a ribeye, as does Tiffany. Kevin realizes that his pork belly will never be done on time, and decides to start from scratch with quail. He's upset about the whole situation, but it's too late to do anything about it. Time runs out.
Padma and Dana go down the line. Tiffany has crusted her beef with cocoa and black pepper, and serves it atop a spring risotto. Huh, I never would have considered pepper and cocoa together. It sounds intriguing. Kevin has put forth some grilled quail with apples, and a fennel salad with apple vinaigrette. Angelo has sauteed foie gras with black salt and a fennel salad in a cumin/basil broth. WANT. That looks fantastic. Kelly has wild boar tenderloin in blackberry sauce with mache and a blue cheese emulsion. Ed's grilled ribeye is served with potato risotto and a mushroom ragout. Results. First in the bottom two is Kevin, whose quail couldn't stand up to the wine. He's followed by Kelly, whose blue cheese foam took her dish off the charts, and not in the good way. The top two are Angelo, whose dish was good and substantial, and Tiffany, who made a terrific reduction and seasoned her meat well. The winner of the challenge and the trip to London is... Angelo. He's pleased to have gotten his groove back without having to go on an expensive beach vacation and pick up Taye Diggs.
Padma tells the chefs that the final Elimination Challenge will be more important than ever, as it will determine the chefs who will go on to cook in the final rounds in... Singapore. Oh, snap! That sounds fun. Especially if they ask the chefs to impress locals with Singaporean food. Angelo tells us that he "feels Asian inside -- 100% I tingle when I think about it." Settle down, spaz. He really wants to go to the finals now, more than ever. DRINK! Padma tells the chefs that they'll be getting the details of this challenge at NASA, which geeks everyone out. Kelly happily tells us that she went to space camp when she was a kid. Nerd! Later, the chefs head to the Goddard Space Flight Center, where they're met by Ptom and Vicki Kloeris, the head food scientist for NASA. Now, I don't have anything against adults with braces, but this lady reminds me so much of a grownup version of Logainne SchwartzandGrubenierre, I'm just going to go ahead and call her Logainne for the rest of the recap. I'm gunning for firstht prizttth!
Panny: "That low lighting in the flight center is not doing her any favors."
My science nerd heart flutters when the chefs get a video message from two of the astronauts on the space station, who gamely release some freeze-dried food packets so they can float around in zero gravity. They explain that the challenge is for the chefs to make a dish that fulfills all of the requirements to be served in space, nutritionally, taste-wise, and of course, practically. So, no poached eggs, please. The winning dish will be recreated at the NASA food labs and flown up to the space station. That's pretty awesome. The chefs will be serving a table of eight diners that will include Buzz Aldrin. Logainne hints that successfully freeze-dried food will not contain a lot of sugar, nor will it be presented in gigantic chunks. Astronauts love themselves some spicy food, though. The chefs are equal parts excited and terrified at this point.
Shopping. Ed stocks up on Moroccan ingredients. Tiffany inquires after fresh whitefish. Angelo rams his cart into some poor, unsuspecting shopper. Kevin's game plan is to make comfort food to remind the astronauts of home. Back in the Kitchen, the chefs get started on their prep work. Tiffany puts some mussels in the fridge. Kevin notes with concern that the other chefs are going for more ethnic dishes, while he's focusing on pure Americana. Tiffany is proud of her sauce. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. The segment stays true to its name. Towards the end of prep time, Kelly discovers that the refrigerator has gotten too cold. Tiffany's mussels have frozen, and are now unusable. She gives us the titular quote that I simply could not improve upon. Back at the house, Tiffany frets, and Ed tries to buck up her spirits. Kevin tells us for perhaps the thousandth time this episode that despite his mistakes, he's resilient and will keep on fighting for the win. Consider it understood. No need for another thousand reminders.
The next day, the chefs discover a note in their kitchen. It tells them that that their ride to the challenge is waiting, and whoever wins the challenge gets to keep the car. Nice! If the prospect of getting their food shot into space wasn't enough incentive, this certainly is. Once at their destination, the chefs get an additional hour to get their food ready. The executive chef of the trade center where they're cooking tells them to ask if they need anything. Unfortunately, he's not able to provide the one thing they truly need, which is a lot more square footage. Everyone is crammed into a pretty tight space. Tiffany decides to finish her sauce a different way, since she won't be able to use her mussels. An adorable shot of her working at IHOP back in the day is shown. Angelo thinks his sauce is too sweet, and course corrects. Ed decides to leave a layer of fat on his ribs. Same goes for the ones in the pan. Thank you! I'm here all week! A frustratingly tight plating area is set up.
Out in the appropriately space-themed dining room, the diners get seated. In addition to Padma, Ptom, and Eric, we have Buzz Aldrin, Logainne, Anthony Bourdain, and astronauts Sandra Magnus and Leland Melvin. It's a good thing he's an astronaut, because if he weren't, there's nowhere for a "Leland Melvin" to go except accounting or chess-playing. Kelly's dish goes out first. She has made pan-roasted Alaskan halibut, with an artichoke and fennel barigoule, and some salsa verde. The diners like the fish a great deal, but the amount of sauce presents a problem for Logainne. "You couldn't have this much extraneous fluid in space," she says, giving me something to nonsensically quote for a week. Thanks, Logainne! Sandra likes the crunch of the artichokes, saying that it's not often a texture found in space foods.
Ed finishes up his plating in a sea of sweat. He explains his Moroccan influence to the diners, and presents yogurt-marinated rack of lamb, with an eggplant puree and a couscous croquette on hummus. That looks delightful. Again, the flavors are great, but there is a practical problem. In this case, it's the bone jutting out of the lamb. Astronauts can't wander to the curbside trashcan, so they try to generate as little waste as possible. Eric sniffs that the dish is too complicated, and Anthony nails him, saying that Ed captured the spirit of Moroccan food perfectly. Kevin has made New York strip steak with a bacon/jalapeno marmalade, corn puree, and crisped onions. Again, the food is well-received, and again, there's a bit of an issue, because there's no way the onions would be able to maintain their texture in the freeze-drying process. Sandra likes it anyway. She shares the story of a cosmonaut who left the USSR to go up into space, and by the time he came back down, it was Russia. There's a mindfuck for you. Hey, your country completely changed identities while you were gone. Hope that's okay!
Tiffany is up next, and regrets not being able to use those mussels. She's got pan-seared Alaskan halibut with a coconut curry, snow pea shoots, and jasmine rice. Not to speak for others, but I'm not sure an astronaut who downs a load of curry would be very popular with his shipmates. Eric is not wild about her sauce, saying that it doesn't really come together to elevate the halibut. Anthony loves the inclusion of fish sauce. Leland talks about greedy astronauts on the space station who didn't share their ice cream the last time he made a delivery. Well, that was a little stingy of them. He didn't exactly roll up in a van with a bell on it to deliver it. Angelo comes out with his ginger-lacquered short ribs, with a horseradish creme fraiche sauce, pickled mushrooms, and a pea puree. DRINK! Buzz enjoys the mushrooms, though he wonders how they would be packaged for a space journey. Ptom hates the candied ginger, but likes everything else. Eric again comes up with a miniscule complaint, and Bourdain again nails him for being too picky. It's kind of awesome. Back in the kitchen, Angelo is emotional, because he feels like he "put his heart on the plate". Ew. Padma thanks the diners, and dinner winds down.
Interstitial. The chefs tear into each other's leftovers, and anxiety permeates the room. Nobody out-and-out screwed up, so anyone could take the challenge at this point. Kevin reminds us again that he really, really, really wants to go to the finals. YES. WE'VE. GOT. IT.
Judges' Table. What's this? Odd Asian Music and Gong are back! Here I thought they were gone forever. Welcome! All the chefs come into the dining room. Ptom congratulates them on a wonderful meal, and tells them that the difference between the winner and loser is very small. That will be cold comfort to the losing chef, but it's nice to hear that everyone turned it out. Bourdain tells Ed that a million things could have gone wrong with his Moroccan dish, but nothing did, and he really pulled it off. Eric says that it was too complicated, but clearly shows that Ed has talent. Tiffany's fish was well-cooked, but her tomatoes were a bit mealy, and the skin on the peppers was bitter. Tiffany explains her troubles with the mussels, and the judges seem to understand what she was aiming for. Bourdain wishes she would have used a stronger fish to stand up to her sauce.
Kelly's artichokes were perfect. Angelo's crystallized ginger was too sugary, but the rest of the plate was great. Angelo responds that he wanted to focus on precision, and that he feels like he "made love" to his short ribs. I'm starting to sense that Angelo's choice of profession was not his ex-wife's problem; it's that he constantly says things like that. Bourdain admits that he has no idea what Angelo is blathering on about, but that he loved the dish. Kevin's meat was cooked perfectly, and the bacon/jalapeno sauce gave it a nice kick. Ptom's only problem was that he wishes the steak would have been cut thicker. Because it's not like Logainne specifically warned the chefs against doing just that. Except for the part where she did. Nimrod. Anthony calls his dish a bit safe, but Kevin is ready for that one, admitting that he was purposely aiming for familiar, comforting food. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Ed accomplished his goals, had a nice presentation, and displayed great technique. Eric's favorite was Kelly's dish, but her food wasn't particularly creative. Angelo's plate was great, though Ptom harps again on the ginger. Kevin paid attention to the astronauts' wishes, and his food was delicate, if a bit boring. Tiffany's curry sauce was great, but she had multiple little problems that all worked against her. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. First, the good news. The challenge winner will not only have their food served in space, and not only get a copy of Bourdain's new book, and not only win a car, and not only move onto the finals in Singapore, but has been invited to watch one of the two remaining shuttle launches at Cape Canaveral. Damn, tonight's winner is cleaning up! That winner is... Angelo, who has won all those prizes in addition to his Quickfire London trip. For once, he's struck almost speechless, and needs some time to process all this good news. He's dismissed back to the Kitchen. Now, for the bad news. Each of the remaining four chefs did an admirable job, but someone has to be the unlucky one to go home. Tiffany. Please pack your knives and go. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Kevin thanks Jesus. Oh, shut up, prick. Jesus hates you.
Tiffany thanks the judges for the opportunity, and goes back to the Kitchen, where Angelo gives her a giant hug. In her final interview, she tells us that it's difficult to come so far and not be able to go on to the finals. It's hard for us too, girl! The remaining chefs come back to say good-bye. Ed sings Tiffany's praises as he hugs her. DRINK! Tiffany is naturally upset, but tells us that she's happy to have been part of the competition. And don't forget the free wedding and honeymoon you got! That should help cheer you up on the trip back home.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Top Chef: We got taken out to the ballgame, but nobody bought us any peanuts or Cracker Jacks. Angelo declined to help Amanda out of her jam, while Kevin declined to act like an adult. Ed won the challenge, while Amanda won a trip back home. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. In addition to the usual fine spread of meats, cheeses, and wines, our gracious hosts put together a spectacular fruit salad. I'm glad I was able to get my hands on such fine peaches before summer ends. For Drinking Game Rule #12, why don't you take a nice swig whenever Ed and Tiffany interact in such a way that their partners back home probably wouldn't appreciate.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Kevin admits he's dodged some big bullets. And how. Take a look at the seventeen chefs that started out the season, and tell me you thought he would make it to this point. Out on the smoking patio, Angelo and Kelly talk about their lives back home. Kelly misses her husband, while Angelo talks about his marriage imploding because his ex-wife's family didn't approve of his career. Huh? What's to disapprove of? It's not like he sells Shake Weights out of his basement. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Dana Cowin, who always shows up to guest judge towards the end of the season. Ed describes one of the quirks of the social media age, and tells us he's Facebook friends with her, even though he's sure she has no idea who he is. Heh. Much like last week, the challenge is fairly uninspired. All the chefs have to do is select a wine, then make a dish to pair with that wine. Even if the pairings turn out to matter a great deal -- which they won't -- this gives the chefs almost complete freedom, and thus, no restrictions to challenge their skills. This kind of Quickfire is fine once in a while, but not two in a row, and not for the final five chefs, who should have an obstacle or two. So, let's skip the wine selection and get to the good part. The "good part", incidentally, is not Padma's outfit. She looks like she needs to rush off and open doors for Upper East Side apartment dwellers. The good part is that there is a prize attached to this Quickfire. The winner gets a trip to London, which would be fantastic. I love London.
Padma starts the hour countdown, and the chefs rush off to get their ingredients. Kevin attempts to braise his pork belly in the pressure cooker. Kelly asks anyone if they've got some spare time, which confused me greatly until I realized that she was asking if anyone had some spare thyme. She's working with wild boar and blue cheese. Ed grabs a ribeye, as does Tiffany. Kevin realizes that his pork belly will never be done on time, and decides to start from scratch with quail. He's upset about the whole situation, but it's too late to do anything about it. Time runs out.
Padma and Dana go down the line. Tiffany has crusted her beef with cocoa and black pepper, and serves it atop a spring risotto. Huh, I never would have considered pepper and cocoa together. It sounds intriguing. Kevin has put forth some grilled quail with apples, and a fennel salad with apple vinaigrette. Angelo has sauteed foie gras with black salt and a fennel salad in a cumin/basil broth. WANT. That looks fantastic. Kelly has wild boar tenderloin in blackberry sauce with mache and a blue cheese emulsion. Ed's grilled ribeye is served with potato risotto and a mushroom ragout. Results. First in the bottom two is Kevin, whose quail couldn't stand up to the wine. He's followed by Kelly, whose blue cheese foam took her dish off the charts, and not in the good way. The top two are Angelo, whose dish was good and substantial, and Tiffany, who made a terrific reduction and seasoned her meat well. The winner of the challenge and the trip to London is... Angelo. He's pleased to have gotten his groove back without having to go on an expensive beach vacation and pick up Taye Diggs.
Padma tells the chefs that the final Elimination Challenge will be more important than ever, as it will determine the chefs who will go on to cook in the final rounds in... Singapore. Oh, snap! That sounds fun. Especially if they ask the chefs to impress locals with Singaporean food. Angelo tells us that he "feels Asian inside -- 100% I tingle when I think about it." Settle down, spaz. He really wants to go to the finals now, more than ever. DRINK! Padma tells the chefs that they'll be getting the details of this challenge at NASA, which geeks everyone out. Kelly happily tells us that she went to space camp when she was a kid. Nerd! Later, the chefs head to the Goddard Space Flight Center, where they're met by Ptom and Vicki Kloeris, the head food scientist for NASA. Now, I don't have anything against adults with braces, but this lady reminds me so much of a grownup version of Logainne SchwartzandGrubenierre, I'm just going to go ahead and call her Logainne for the rest of the recap. I'm gunning for firstht prizttth!
Panny: "That low lighting in the flight center is not doing her any favors."
My science nerd heart flutters when the chefs get a video message from two of the astronauts on the space station, who gamely release some freeze-dried food packets so they can float around in zero gravity. They explain that the challenge is for the chefs to make a dish that fulfills all of the requirements to be served in space, nutritionally, taste-wise, and of course, practically. So, no poached eggs, please. The winning dish will be recreated at the NASA food labs and flown up to the space station. That's pretty awesome. The chefs will be serving a table of eight diners that will include Buzz Aldrin. Logainne hints that successfully freeze-dried food will not contain a lot of sugar, nor will it be presented in gigantic chunks. Astronauts love themselves some spicy food, though. The chefs are equal parts excited and terrified at this point.
Shopping. Ed stocks up on Moroccan ingredients. Tiffany inquires after fresh whitefish. Angelo rams his cart into some poor, unsuspecting shopper. Kevin's game plan is to make comfort food to remind the astronauts of home. Back in the Kitchen, the chefs get started on their prep work. Tiffany puts some mussels in the fridge. Kevin notes with concern that the other chefs are going for more ethnic dishes, while he's focusing on pure Americana. Tiffany is proud of her sauce. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. The segment stays true to its name. Towards the end of prep time, Kelly discovers that the refrigerator has gotten too cold. Tiffany's mussels have frozen, and are now unusable. She gives us the titular quote that I simply could not improve upon. Back at the house, Tiffany frets, and Ed tries to buck up her spirits. Kevin tells us for perhaps the thousandth time this episode that despite his mistakes, he's resilient and will keep on fighting for the win. Consider it understood. No need for another thousand reminders.
The next day, the chefs discover a note in their kitchen. It tells them that that their ride to the challenge is waiting, and whoever wins the challenge gets to keep the car. Nice! If the prospect of getting their food shot into space wasn't enough incentive, this certainly is. Once at their destination, the chefs get an additional hour to get their food ready. The executive chef of the trade center where they're cooking tells them to ask if they need anything. Unfortunately, he's not able to provide the one thing they truly need, which is a lot more square footage. Everyone is crammed into a pretty tight space. Tiffany decides to finish her sauce a different way, since she won't be able to use her mussels. An adorable shot of her working at IHOP back in the day is shown. Angelo thinks his sauce is too sweet, and course corrects. Ed decides to leave a layer of fat on his ribs. Same goes for the ones in the pan. Thank you! I'm here all week! A frustratingly tight plating area is set up.
Out in the appropriately space-themed dining room, the diners get seated. In addition to Padma, Ptom, and Eric, we have Buzz Aldrin, Logainne, Anthony Bourdain, and astronauts Sandra Magnus and Leland Melvin. It's a good thing he's an astronaut, because if he weren't, there's nowhere for a "Leland Melvin" to go except accounting or chess-playing. Kelly's dish goes out first. She has made pan-roasted Alaskan halibut, with an artichoke and fennel barigoule, and some salsa verde. The diners like the fish a great deal, but the amount of sauce presents a problem for Logainne. "You couldn't have this much extraneous fluid in space," she says, giving me something to nonsensically quote for a week. Thanks, Logainne! Sandra likes the crunch of the artichokes, saying that it's not often a texture found in space foods.
Ed finishes up his plating in a sea of sweat. He explains his Moroccan influence to the diners, and presents yogurt-marinated rack of lamb, with an eggplant puree and a couscous croquette on hummus. That looks delightful. Again, the flavors are great, but there is a practical problem. In this case, it's the bone jutting out of the lamb. Astronauts can't wander to the curbside trashcan, so they try to generate as little waste as possible. Eric sniffs that the dish is too complicated, and Anthony nails him, saying that Ed captured the spirit of Moroccan food perfectly. Kevin has made New York strip steak with a bacon/jalapeno marmalade, corn puree, and crisped onions. Again, the food is well-received, and again, there's a bit of an issue, because there's no way the onions would be able to maintain their texture in the freeze-drying process. Sandra likes it anyway. She shares the story of a cosmonaut who left the USSR to go up into space, and by the time he came back down, it was Russia. There's a mindfuck for you. Hey, your country completely changed identities while you were gone. Hope that's okay!
Tiffany is up next, and regrets not being able to use those mussels. She's got pan-seared Alaskan halibut with a coconut curry, snow pea shoots, and jasmine rice. Not to speak for others, but I'm not sure an astronaut who downs a load of curry would be very popular with his shipmates. Eric is not wild about her sauce, saying that it doesn't really come together to elevate the halibut. Anthony loves the inclusion of fish sauce. Leland talks about greedy astronauts on the space station who didn't share their ice cream the last time he made a delivery. Well, that was a little stingy of them. He didn't exactly roll up in a van with a bell on it to deliver it. Angelo comes out with his ginger-lacquered short ribs, with a horseradish creme fraiche sauce, pickled mushrooms, and a pea puree. DRINK! Buzz enjoys the mushrooms, though he wonders how they would be packaged for a space journey. Ptom hates the candied ginger, but likes everything else. Eric again comes up with a miniscule complaint, and Bourdain again nails him for being too picky. It's kind of awesome. Back in the kitchen, Angelo is emotional, because he feels like he "put his heart on the plate". Ew. Padma thanks the diners, and dinner winds down.
Interstitial. The chefs tear into each other's leftovers, and anxiety permeates the room. Nobody out-and-out screwed up, so anyone could take the challenge at this point. Kevin reminds us again that he really, really, really wants to go to the finals. YES. WE'VE. GOT. IT.
Judges' Table. What's this? Odd Asian Music and Gong are back! Here I thought they were gone forever. Welcome! All the chefs come into the dining room. Ptom congratulates them on a wonderful meal, and tells them that the difference between the winner and loser is very small. That will be cold comfort to the losing chef, but it's nice to hear that everyone turned it out. Bourdain tells Ed that a million things could have gone wrong with his Moroccan dish, but nothing did, and he really pulled it off. Eric says that it was too complicated, but clearly shows that Ed has talent. Tiffany's fish was well-cooked, but her tomatoes were a bit mealy, and the skin on the peppers was bitter. Tiffany explains her troubles with the mussels, and the judges seem to understand what she was aiming for. Bourdain wishes she would have used a stronger fish to stand up to her sauce.
Kelly's artichokes were perfect. Angelo's crystallized ginger was too sugary, but the rest of the plate was great. Angelo responds that he wanted to focus on precision, and that he feels like he "made love" to his short ribs. I'm starting to sense that Angelo's choice of profession was not his ex-wife's problem; it's that he constantly says things like that. Bourdain admits that he has no idea what Angelo is blathering on about, but that he loved the dish. Kevin's meat was cooked perfectly, and the bacon/jalapeno sauce gave it a nice kick. Ptom's only problem was that he wishes the steak would have been cut thicker. Because it's not like Logainne specifically warned the chefs against doing just that. Except for the part where she did. Nimrod. Anthony calls his dish a bit safe, but Kevin is ready for that one, admitting that he was purposely aiming for familiar, comforting food. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Ed accomplished his goals, had a nice presentation, and displayed great technique. Eric's favorite was Kelly's dish, but her food wasn't particularly creative. Angelo's plate was great, though Ptom harps again on the ginger. Kevin paid attention to the astronauts' wishes, and his food was delicate, if a bit boring. Tiffany's curry sauce was great, but she had multiple little problems that all worked against her. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. First, the good news. The challenge winner will not only have their food served in space, and not only get a copy of Bourdain's new book, and not only win a car, and not only move onto the finals in Singapore, but has been invited to watch one of the two remaining shuttle launches at Cape Canaveral. Damn, tonight's winner is cleaning up! That winner is... Angelo, who has won all those prizes in addition to his Quickfire London trip. For once, he's struck almost speechless, and needs some time to process all this good news. He's dismissed back to the Kitchen. Now, for the bad news. Each of the remaining four chefs did an admirable job, but someone has to be the unlucky one to go home. Tiffany. Please pack your knives and go. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Kevin thanks Jesus. Oh, shut up, prick. Jesus hates you.
Tiffany thanks the judges for the opportunity, and goes back to the Kitchen, where Angelo gives her a giant hug. In her final interview, she tells us that it's difficult to come so far and not be able to go on to the finals. It's hard for us too, girl! The remaining chefs come back to say good-bye. Ed sings Tiffany's praises as he hugs her. DRINK! Tiffany is naturally upset, but tells us that she's happy to have been part of the competition. And don't forget the free wedding and honeymoon you got! That should help cheer you up on the trip back home.
Overall Grade: B
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Merci, Bocuse
Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 12
Previously on Top Chef: Padma stayed in bed. Robin stayed in the way. Toby stayed delusional about the notion that he's qualified to judge this show. Michael stayed in the winners' circle. Robin's stay was cut short. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Not much in the way of food, but I'm all for trying out a new wine, large quantities of which were consumed in short order. Also, I have to say that I'm rewatching this episode online, and whoever uploaded it has goofed the audio, so everyone sort of sounds like they're in an episode of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Hehe.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Bryan worries about how his restaurant is doing back home without him. Kevin misses his wife. Eli says that they're down to the five strongest chefs in the competition. I don't particularly agree with that assessment, but realize that it takes a lot longer to say: "We're down to the five people who didn't perform the worst in several off-kilter, severely-time-limited challenges," so I'll let it slide. Eli hopes to win for his mentor, Richard. Jenc once again vows to find her focus. Let's hope she means it this time.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Gavin Kaysen, who won the James Beard Rising Chef award. Getting one of those must pile on the pressure to succeed. Padma tells us that Gavin represented the United States in the 2007 Bocuse d'Or, which is basically the culinary Olympics. I read a little of that Wikipedia entry, and it's worth checking out what happened to Gavin in that competition. Oops! It also looks like an American has never even medaled in the Bocuse d'Or, let alone won. As to the Quickfire Challenge, the chefs will be recreating a version of one of Gavin's entries (a chicken ballotine with crayfish in the middle, and surrounded by chicken liver and more chicken). These chefs are to create a dish in ninety minutes that includes a protein within a protein within a protein. It's an appropriate time of year to do it. I've never eaten turducken, but I'd like to. No immunity for the winner, but Padma promises an advantage in the Elimination Challenge.
Ready? Go! Everyone scatters. Bryan is planning to put sausage around loin of lamb. He's worked with the technique before, and seems confident. Michael is going to put bacon inside of turkey inside of chicken. He's going in more of a terrine direction than a ballotine. Kevin thinks the brothers' dishes are too complicated for the time limit, so he's sticking with his signature simplicity, and making Scotch eggs. He insists that he and Eli are the ballsiest chefs, because they dare to make home-cooked food for a competition like Top Chef. Well, yes and no. I mean, sure the judges tend to reward complicated techniques, but let's not forget that Carla made it to the final three by sticking to simplicity, and Stephanie outright won without making frou-frou dishes, so let's not pretend you're breaking down any walls, here. Jenc returns to the welcoming bosom of seafood. Michael, who is to spend the entire episode sucking a lemon and generally acting like a teenager whose mother has confiscated his Game Boy, sneers that Jenc may have started off strong, but has gone as far as she can. Time runs out.
Gavin and Padma go down the line. Eli has made bacon-crusted sausage that has a six-minute egg in the center. Sounds tasty. Michael's terrine has chicken with turkey and bacon mousseline. Jenc has a calamari steak that incorporates scallops, salmon, shiitake mushroom, and shiso. There's also a rice noodle salad on the side. Gavin asks why she made seafood, and Jenc responds that it's always been her strong suit. "Welcome back," Padma says. Well, that's encouraging. Kevin winks at her. I didn't care for that wink; it seemed a little condescending. Bryan has made rack of lamb with sausage, which is then wrapped in caul fat. There are a couple of nifty sauces served in a colorful circle underneath the meat. Kevin has gone back to his roots again, with cornmeal-fried catfish surrounding scallops and shrimp. Bryan notes in interview that Kevin's food leans towards the simple, but that it's a fine strategy, as long as it's done correctly.
Results. Gavin found Kevin's catfish overcooked and the breading dry. Upon finding himself on the bottom for perhaps the first time ever, Kevin does not cover himself in glory. He begs to differ, saying that Gavin and he just have different tastes. I mean, it's fine to think that, but it makes it sound like there's no room for any less-than-stellar view of Kevin's food. I know he's a Golden Child, but if I'm not going to accept "If you like my food, it's because it's good. If you don't, it's because you don't get it," from other chefs, I'm not going to accept it from Kevin. Bryan's lamb tenderloin was cooked very well. Eli's concept was well-thought and well-executed. Jenc's calamari had the potential to come out tough, but didn't, and her dish was very successful. Michael is called on making a terrine instead of a ballotine. Michael sourly notes that the challenge was to wrap three proteins around each other, and if the challenge was "Make a ballotine," that's what he would have done. As with a lot of other things he's said this season: 1) He's right. 2) I completely agree, and 3) He's so snotty about it that it's tough to back him up. I wish he'd stop doing that. Anyhow, the winner of the challenge is Jenc, whose prize is an extra half hour to cook in the Elimination Challenge. Michael sucks another lemon.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be taking part in a Top Chef version of the Bocuse d'Or. I'm surprised it's taken six seasons for the idea to come up. Probably because unlike other reality programs, the contestant pool is getting more accomplished over time, instead of less. In this challenge, the chefs will create a presentation platter using one protein and two garnishes. They cannot just be simple side salads or grilled vegetables, but should be as intricate as they can be. Gavin gives the example of zucchini strips being woven into a basket. Yikes. The only proteins to choose from are lamb and salmon. I wonder why they imposed that limitation. The food will be served on a traditional mirrored platter, and the chefs will have four hours to cook (except Jenc, of course). There will be twelve diners, including advisors to American Bocuse d'Or competitors (who apparently aren't doing the best job), and culinary luminary Thomas Keller. The chefs are already jittery with nerves.
Shopping. Kevin has no specific dish planned, and is winging it as far as which ingredients he's buying. Once everyone is checked out, they head back to the house to plan their dishes. Well, Michael goes straight to bed, but everyone else plans their dishes. They watch a provided DVD of past Bocuse d'Or competitions to get an idea of how they need to present their food. Kevin wants to sous vide his lamb, and asks for detailed instruction about how to go about doing it. Bryan kindly gives him some advice, not wanting to be a prick about it. I like Kevin, and if it were up to me, I'd award him the Top Chef title right now, but he is really getting on my nerves tonight. There's a vast middle ground between being friendly with your competitors and doing their work for them. Someone who's won a buttload of challenges shouldn't have to get instruction from a competitor. I love Bryan for wanting to be a nice guy about it, but I wouldn't have seen anything wrong with "If you don't know how to do it, you probably shouldn't risk it for this challenge." Bryan surmises that Michael wouldn't have done the same thing in his position. Yeah, I don't think many of us would disagree.
The next day, the chefs head to a kitchen at the Wynn and get cooking. Eli says that everyone is being super-focused, and trying to catch mistakes before they happen. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste in that unfortunate purple chef coat that makes him look like Violet Beauregarde. He's accompanied by Thomas Keller, who offers some trite platitudes about putting your head down and getting to work. The chefs take him at his word, and go back to their stations. Michael is confident, having taken part in some culinary competitions in the past. I'm having a good giggle picturing him at the Pillsbury Bake-Off. He pulls bones out of his salmon. Jenc is a ball of nerves. Bryan is pushing his limits, and worries about getting his meat braised in time. Kevin looks after his sous vide. Michael whines that Kevin's food is good, but overly simple, snotting that the food Kevin makes is the food Michael makes on his day off. Oh, sorry we can't all climb to the culinary pinnacle that is hot wings with blue cheese dressing. This is not the first time Michael has sulked when Kevin outperformed him, and it's extremely unattractive. If you're so much better than him, then you'll beat him. It's that simple. Also simple: Five is more than three. That's how many Elimination Challenges Kevin has won compared to Michael's wins. Maybe you should take more days off, chief.
Ptom comes back to Ptimewaste even more. I'll spare you, except to say that all the chefs describe what they'll be doing. Post-walkthrough, he tells us that "details separate a good dish from a great dish." If Season 4's subtitle was "Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!", then this season shall surely be: "Top Chef 6 - DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH". Ptom ducks back into the kitchen to pile even more pressure on by announcing that the challenge's winner will receive $30,000. That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo! The chefs all have mini-freakouts. Out in the dining room, the judges and other diners get seated. Kevin knows that Bocuse d'Or is often about complex presentation, but he's hoping to squeak by on complex flavor, instead. He will be first to present, and goes out to face the firing squad.
We meet the diners. They're more Names. Kevin has made lamb loin poached in olive oil and caramelized fat. His garnishes are sherry-glazed golden beets with pickled Swiss chard stems, and baked asparagus with sunchoke cream and buttered toast. It all sounds delicious, but as far as presentation, I think he's gone beyond homey and simple, and into basic. It's a very plain plate of food. The judges agree, saying that everything tastes great, but is very elementary. Michael is up next. He introduces his food by saying it's a Mediterranean-inspired platter, and serves up salmon loin with crab and zucchini, a cauliflower/chickpea cake , and tzatziki with salmon belly tartare. Once he's gone, a Name calls the platter very pretty, but disparate, flavor-wise. A bone is found in his fish. Overall, the plate lacked harmony. Bryan struggles with time. Jenc is flush with time, and helps him get his food plated. That's the kind of nice-guy behavior I can get behind. She wants to beat him on flavor and technique, not a rule technicality. As he goes out to present, Bryan notes all the little mistakes he's made, which leaves him frustrated.
He pulls it together to present his food to the diners. He's made lamb loin crusted with parsley, a crepinette of lamb shank, garlic chips, and orzo pasta with sheep's milk cheese. The Names find the idea compelling and the presentation lovely, but the execution was off. The lamb is undercooked, but the judges feel that if Bryan had more time to work, it would have been spectacular. Eli has made pistachio-crusted lamb sausage wrapped around three different loins, ras-el-hanout with carrot puree and yogurt foam (that burps up a gas bubble), and tomato/pepper marmalade with capers on top of a brioche crouton. The lamb has a tarragon/asparagus coulis on top. The Names find the lamb undercooked and butchered poorly. The raw lamb fat ruins any benefits his platter may have had. His yogurt foam was good (better than Michael's tzatziki, in fact), but there's no overlooking his disappointing lamb.
Jenc nervously emerges, convinced that her food isn't up to snuff. Her protein is poached salmon topped with caviar and mushrooms, and her garnishes are shrimp flan with peas/chervil/truffles, and celery root squares with shiitake mushrooms. She's asked if she's done any food competitions before, and she admits that she hasn't. Her food is received with shrugs. Everything tastes fine, but there isn't much thought behind it. One of the Names' piece of fish is undercooked, but everyone else's is fine. The shrimp flan similarly varies from diner to diner. Each person seems to take a different view of her platter as a whole.
Despite all the criticism, Gail is proud that the chefs were able to put together what they did in the twelve hours since they've first heard the words "Bocuse d'Or". The chefs come back to the table and are applauded and congratulated. It turns out that there is yet another twist. The chef who wins will get to compete to be part of the American Bocuse d'Or team in 2011. Crikey. As they clean the kitchen, Bryan tells Michael that this may be the last time they cook together for a while. "Why, you think I'm going?" Michael sneers. "No. Me," Bryan says. Jesus, who pissed in Michael's cornflakes this morning? He either needs to start coming to some realizations about what revolves around what in this universe, or he needs to shut the fuck up for a while. Kevin tells us that no matter who gets eliminated, nobody need feel ashamed for going home on such a tough challenge.
Interstitial. Now that stupid, useless Robin is gone, all the chefs love each other.
Judges' Table. Padma summons everyone to the dining room. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back from their vacation. I'm glad they didn't get laid off in this tough economy. Michael's salmon, caviar, and cauliflower didn't fit his Mediterranean theme, not to mention the bones in one of the Names' portion. Bryan's lamb was undercooked, but the judges agree that with more time, he would have done a better job. Kevin's food was too simple. He tries out his usual line about how the techniques may be simple, but that's only so he can put out complex flavors. It doesn't go over as well as it has before, and Ptom thinks that he veered too far into basic cooking. Jenc's salmon didn't cook as slowly as it should have, thanks to thin pans. Her uneven cuts led to differing levels of doneness, as well. Eli's sausage had unappetizing gobs of fat in it. Before the chefs are dismissed, Ptom wants to reiterate that all five of them have done a great job, overall. The chefs thank him and trudge off.
Deliberations. Kevin rues not putting more technique into his food. Gail loved Eli's sauces, and wishes the lamb underneath them could have supported them properly. Padma thinks it was the worst of the lamb dishes. Jennifer's garnishes were fine, but her salmon was inconsistent. Kevin's dish was overly simple, but tasted great. Michael had good technique. He's never done a bad job with flavor... Until this challenge. Plus, that fish bone pops up again. Bryan had problems with his cooking that were brought on by the strict time limit. I'm all for allowing Bryan to continue in the competition, but they're selling this argument a little too hard. Bryan knew in advance how much time he'd have to cook, and if he was unable to execute his food properly within that time limit, he may have done better to have come up with a different idea. I don't know why I'm so cranky about these people tonight. Maybe there's just too much rule-bending in this episode for my tastes. Don't know how to do something? No problem! Just ask your competitor how to do it. Can't finish your food on time? No problem! We'll just judge it as if you had. You see what I'm getting at? The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. The winner of the $30,000 and the chance to compete to be on the American Bocuse d'Or team is... Kevin, whose superior flavors are deemed more important than his weak technique. Michael sucks yet another lemon. Jenc gives Kevin a hug. On the way out the door, he tells the other chefs that they all did a fantastic job. Thank you, O Golden Child. Ptom tells the remaining chefs that it's getting harder to cut each one. I'll buy that if it turns out the Final Four wasn't written in the stars long ago. Eli. Please pack your knives and go. Huh. I guess I must be psychic, as are a number of other internet denizens. Eli is satisfied that he has lasted this long, and that he went out on something of a high note. That's true. He's in a bit of mild shock, and figures he'll process all of those icky emotions later. Eh, don't worry about it, Eli. Nostradamus saw this boot coming.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on Top Chef: Padma stayed in bed. Robin stayed in the way. Toby stayed delusional about the notion that he's qualified to judge this show. Michael stayed in the winners' circle. Robin's stay was cut short. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. Not much in the way of food, but I'm all for trying out a new wine, large quantities of which were consumed in short order. Also, I have to say that I'm rewatching this episode online, and whoever uploaded it has goofed the audio, so everyone sort of sounds like they're in an episode of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Hehe.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Bryan worries about how his restaurant is doing back home without him. Kevin misses his wife. Eli says that they're down to the five strongest chefs in the competition. I don't particularly agree with that assessment, but realize that it takes a lot longer to say: "We're down to the five people who didn't perform the worst in several off-kilter, severely-time-limited challenges," so I'll let it slide. Eli hopes to win for his mentor, Richard. Jenc once again vows to find her focus. Let's hope she means it this time.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Gavin Kaysen, who won the James Beard Rising Chef award. Getting one of those must pile on the pressure to succeed. Padma tells us that Gavin represented the United States in the 2007 Bocuse d'Or, which is basically the culinary Olympics. I read a little of that Wikipedia entry, and it's worth checking out what happened to Gavin in that competition. Oops! It also looks like an American has never even medaled in the Bocuse d'Or, let alone won. As to the Quickfire Challenge, the chefs will be recreating a version of one of Gavin's entries (a chicken ballotine with crayfish in the middle, and surrounded by chicken liver and more chicken). These chefs are to create a dish in ninety minutes that includes a protein within a protein within a protein. It's an appropriate time of year to do it. I've never eaten turducken, but I'd like to. No immunity for the winner, but Padma promises an advantage in the Elimination Challenge.
Ready? Go! Everyone scatters. Bryan is planning to put sausage around loin of lamb. He's worked with the technique before, and seems confident. Michael is going to put bacon inside of turkey inside of chicken. He's going in more of a terrine direction than a ballotine. Kevin thinks the brothers' dishes are too complicated for the time limit, so he's sticking with his signature simplicity, and making Scotch eggs. He insists that he and Eli are the ballsiest chefs, because they dare to make home-cooked food for a competition like Top Chef. Well, yes and no. I mean, sure the judges tend to reward complicated techniques, but let's not forget that Carla made it to the final three by sticking to simplicity, and Stephanie outright won without making frou-frou dishes, so let's not pretend you're breaking down any walls, here. Jenc returns to the welcoming bosom of seafood. Michael, who is to spend the entire episode sucking a lemon and generally acting like a teenager whose mother has confiscated his Game Boy, sneers that Jenc may have started off strong, but has gone as far as she can. Time runs out.
Gavin and Padma go down the line. Eli has made bacon-crusted sausage that has a six-minute egg in the center. Sounds tasty. Michael's terrine has chicken with turkey and bacon mousseline. Jenc has a calamari steak that incorporates scallops, salmon, shiitake mushroom, and shiso. There's also a rice noodle salad on the side. Gavin asks why she made seafood, and Jenc responds that it's always been her strong suit. "Welcome back," Padma says. Well, that's encouraging. Kevin winks at her. I didn't care for that wink; it seemed a little condescending. Bryan has made rack of lamb with sausage, which is then wrapped in caul fat. There are a couple of nifty sauces served in a colorful circle underneath the meat. Kevin has gone back to his roots again, with cornmeal-fried catfish surrounding scallops and shrimp. Bryan notes in interview that Kevin's food leans towards the simple, but that it's a fine strategy, as long as it's done correctly.
Results. Gavin found Kevin's catfish overcooked and the breading dry. Upon finding himself on the bottom for perhaps the first time ever, Kevin does not cover himself in glory. He begs to differ, saying that Gavin and he just have different tastes. I mean, it's fine to think that, but it makes it sound like there's no room for any less-than-stellar view of Kevin's food. I know he's a Golden Child, but if I'm not going to accept "If you like my food, it's because it's good. If you don't, it's because you don't get it," from other chefs, I'm not going to accept it from Kevin. Bryan's lamb tenderloin was cooked very well. Eli's concept was well-thought and well-executed. Jenc's calamari had the potential to come out tough, but didn't, and her dish was very successful. Michael is called on making a terrine instead of a ballotine. Michael sourly notes that the challenge was to wrap three proteins around each other, and if the challenge was "Make a ballotine," that's what he would have done. As with a lot of other things he's said this season: 1) He's right. 2) I completely agree, and 3) He's so snotty about it that it's tough to back him up. I wish he'd stop doing that. Anyhow, the winner of the challenge is Jenc, whose prize is an extra half hour to cook in the Elimination Challenge. Michael sucks another lemon.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be taking part in a Top Chef version of the Bocuse d'Or. I'm surprised it's taken six seasons for the idea to come up. Probably because unlike other reality programs, the contestant pool is getting more accomplished over time, instead of less. In this challenge, the chefs will create a presentation platter using one protein and two garnishes. They cannot just be simple side salads or grilled vegetables, but should be as intricate as they can be. Gavin gives the example of zucchini strips being woven into a basket. Yikes. The only proteins to choose from are lamb and salmon. I wonder why they imposed that limitation. The food will be served on a traditional mirrored platter, and the chefs will have four hours to cook (except Jenc, of course). There will be twelve diners, including advisors to American Bocuse d'Or competitors (who apparently aren't doing the best job), and culinary luminary Thomas Keller. The chefs are already jittery with nerves.
Shopping. Kevin has no specific dish planned, and is winging it as far as which ingredients he's buying. Once everyone is checked out, they head back to the house to plan their dishes. Well, Michael goes straight to bed, but everyone else plans their dishes. They watch a provided DVD of past Bocuse d'Or competitions to get an idea of how they need to present their food. Kevin wants to sous vide his lamb, and asks for detailed instruction about how to go about doing it. Bryan kindly gives him some advice, not wanting to be a prick about it. I like Kevin, and if it were up to me, I'd award him the Top Chef title right now, but he is really getting on my nerves tonight. There's a vast middle ground between being friendly with your competitors and doing their work for them. Someone who's won a buttload of challenges shouldn't have to get instruction from a competitor. I love Bryan for wanting to be a nice guy about it, but I wouldn't have seen anything wrong with "If you don't know how to do it, you probably shouldn't risk it for this challenge." Bryan surmises that Michael wouldn't have done the same thing in his position. Yeah, I don't think many of us would disagree.
The next day, the chefs head to a kitchen at the Wynn and get cooking. Eli says that everyone is being super-focused, and trying to catch mistakes before they happen. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste in that unfortunate purple chef coat that makes him look like Violet Beauregarde. He's accompanied by Thomas Keller, who offers some trite platitudes about putting your head down and getting to work. The chefs take him at his word, and go back to their stations. Michael is confident, having taken part in some culinary competitions in the past. I'm having a good giggle picturing him at the Pillsbury Bake-Off. He pulls bones out of his salmon. Jenc is a ball of nerves. Bryan is pushing his limits, and worries about getting his meat braised in time. Kevin looks after his sous vide. Michael whines that Kevin's food is good, but overly simple, snotting that the food Kevin makes is the food Michael makes on his day off. Oh, sorry we can't all climb to the culinary pinnacle that is hot wings with blue cheese dressing. This is not the first time Michael has sulked when Kevin outperformed him, and it's extremely unattractive. If you're so much better than him, then you'll beat him. It's that simple. Also simple: Five is more than three. That's how many Elimination Challenges Kevin has won compared to Michael's wins. Maybe you should take more days off, chief.
Ptom comes back to Ptimewaste even more. I'll spare you, except to say that all the chefs describe what they'll be doing. Post-walkthrough, he tells us that "details separate a good dish from a great dish." If Season 4's subtitle was "Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!", then this season shall surely be: "Top Chef 6 - DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH". Ptom ducks back into the kitchen to pile even more pressure on by announcing that the challenge's winner will receive $30,000. That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo! The chefs all have mini-freakouts. Out in the dining room, the judges and other diners get seated. Kevin knows that Bocuse d'Or is often about complex presentation, but he's hoping to squeak by on complex flavor, instead. He will be first to present, and goes out to face the firing squad.
We meet the diners. They're more Names. Kevin has made lamb loin poached in olive oil and caramelized fat. His garnishes are sherry-glazed golden beets with pickled Swiss chard stems, and baked asparagus with sunchoke cream and buttered toast. It all sounds delicious, but as far as presentation, I think he's gone beyond homey and simple, and into basic. It's a very plain plate of food. The judges agree, saying that everything tastes great, but is very elementary. Michael is up next. He introduces his food by saying it's a Mediterranean-inspired platter, and serves up salmon loin with crab and zucchini, a cauliflower/chickpea cake , and tzatziki with salmon belly tartare. Once he's gone, a Name calls the platter very pretty, but disparate, flavor-wise. A bone is found in his fish. Overall, the plate lacked harmony. Bryan struggles with time. Jenc is flush with time, and helps him get his food plated. That's the kind of nice-guy behavior I can get behind. She wants to beat him on flavor and technique, not a rule technicality. As he goes out to present, Bryan notes all the little mistakes he's made, which leaves him frustrated.
He pulls it together to present his food to the diners. He's made lamb loin crusted with parsley, a crepinette of lamb shank, garlic chips, and orzo pasta with sheep's milk cheese. The Names find the idea compelling and the presentation lovely, but the execution was off. The lamb is undercooked, but the judges feel that if Bryan had more time to work, it would have been spectacular. Eli has made pistachio-crusted lamb sausage wrapped around three different loins, ras-el-hanout with carrot puree and yogurt foam (that burps up a gas bubble), and tomato/pepper marmalade with capers on top of a brioche crouton. The lamb has a tarragon/asparagus coulis on top. The Names find the lamb undercooked and butchered poorly. The raw lamb fat ruins any benefits his platter may have had. His yogurt foam was good (better than Michael's tzatziki, in fact), but there's no overlooking his disappointing lamb.
Jenc nervously emerges, convinced that her food isn't up to snuff. Her protein is poached salmon topped with caviar and mushrooms, and her garnishes are shrimp flan with peas/chervil/truffles, and celery root squares with shiitake mushrooms. She's asked if she's done any food competitions before, and she admits that she hasn't. Her food is received with shrugs. Everything tastes fine, but there isn't much thought behind it. One of the Names' piece of fish is undercooked, but everyone else's is fine. The shrimp flan similarly varies from diner to diner. Each person seems to take a different view of her platter as a whole.
Despite all the criticism, Gail is proud that the chefs were able to put together what they did in the twelve hours since they've first heard the words "Bocuse d'Or". The chefs come back to the table and are applauded and congratulated. It turns out that there is yet another twist. The chef who wins will get to compete to be part of the American Bocuse d'Or team in 2011. Crikey. As they clean the kitchen, Bryan tells Michael that this may be the last time they cook together for a while. "Why, you think I'm going?" Michael sneers. "No. Me," Bryan says. Jesus, who pissed in Michael's cornflakes this morning? He either needs to start coming to some realizations about what revolves around what in this universe, or he needs to shut the fuck up for a while. Kevin tells us that no matter who gets eliminated, nobody need feel ashamed for going home on such a tough challenge.
Interstitial. Now that stupid, useless Robin is gone, all the chefs love each other.
Judges' Table. Padma summons everyone to the dining room. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back from their vacation. I'm glad they didn't get laid off in this tough economy. Michael's salmon, caviar, and cauliflower didn't fit his Mediterranean theme, not to mention the bones in one of the Names' portion. Bryan's lamb was undercooked, but the judges agree that with more time, he would have done a better job. Kevin's food was too simple. He tries out his usual line about how the techniques may be simple, but that's only so he can put out complex flavors. It doesn't go over as well as it has before, and Ptom thinks that he veered too far into basic cooking. Jenc's salmon didn't cook as slowly as it should have, thanks to thin pans. Her uneven cuts led to differing levels of doneness, as well. Eli's sausage had unappetizing gobs of fat in it. Before the chefs are dismissed, Ptom wants to reiterate that all five of them have done a great job, overall. The chefs thank him and trudge off.
Deliberations. Kevin rues not putting more technique into his food. Gail loved Eli's sauces, and wishes the lamb underneath them could have supported them properly. Padma thinks it was the worst of the lamb dishes. Jennifer's garnishes were fine, but her salmon was inconsistent. Kevin's dish was overly simple, but tasted great. Michael had good technique. He's never done a bad job with flavor... Until this challenge. Plus, that fish bone pops up again. Bryan had problems with his cooking that were brought on by the strict time limit. I'm all for allowing Bryan to continue in the competition, but they're selling this argument a little too hard. Bryan knew in advance how much time he'd have to cook, and if he was unable to execute his food properly within that time limit, he may have done better to have come up with a different idea. I don't know why I'm so cranky about these people tonight. Maybe there's just too much rule-bending in this episode for my tastes. Don't know how to do something? No problem! Just ask your competitor how to do it. Can't finish your food on time? No problem! We'll just judge it as if you had. You see what I'm getting at? The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. The winner of the $30,000 and the chance to compete to be on the American Bocuse d'Or team is... Kevin, whose superior flavors are deemed more important than his weak technique. Michael sucks yet another lemon. Jenc gives Kevin a hug. On the way out the door, he tells the other chefs that they all did a fantastic job. Thank you, O Golden Child. Ptom tells the remaining chefs that it's getting harder to cut each one. I'll buy that if it turns out the Final Four wasn't written in the stars long ago. Eli. Please pack your knives and go. Huh. I guess I must be psychic, as are a number of other internet denizens. Eli is satisfied that he has lasted this long, and that he went out on something of a high note. That's true. He's in a bit of mild shock, and figures he'll process all of those icky emotions later. Eh, don't worry about it, Eli. Nostradamus saw this boot coming.
Overall Grade: C
Thursday, October 02, 2008
You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman
Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 12
In tonight's episode, we get the traditional simple challenge. No gimmicks. No tricks. Just take an inspiration from nature and make an evening gown. The designers are taken to the botanical garden to snap pictures, and they each choose vibrantly-colored flowers or leaves to serve as inspiration. Kenley leaves a bag of tulle at the fabric store, and since she's been working overtime to be intolerable towards the other designers, Tim, and the judges, nobody else is willing to hand over any of theirs. Since she did pay for it, Tim allows her to walk back to the store to pick it up, so she scoots over, grabs the bag, and scoots out.
Kender: "Yeah, don't check the bag or anything."
A case of nerves strikes the workroom, and nobody is as on their game as they usually are. On the runway, Leanne and Jerell's garments are praised more than they should be, while Korto and Kenley's are criticized more than they should be. Kenley snaps at the judges some more, countering their claim that her garment is inelegant by whining that she "wasn't going for elegance". Because it's not like she was supposed to design an evening gown or anything. Heidi nails the designers with a Tyra Question: "Why do you deserve to go to Fashion Week, and which two other designers would you want to go with you?" Jerell, Leanne, and Korto predictably gang up on Kenley, and I'd feel bad for anyone else, but she pretty much had that coming. Kenley herself chooses Leanne and Jerell, so Korto yells at her once they're backstage. I love Korto's work, and Kenley is truly annoying, but you don't get to attack someone else, then complain that they turned around and attacked you.
Anyhoo, Jerell undeservedly wins another challenge, and in an unsurprising move, nobody is eliminated. Everyone will go home to create a full line, but one of them will be chopped right before the big show. Get sewing, scrubs.
Overall Grade: C
In tonight's episode, we get the traditional simple challenge. No gimmicks. No tricks. Just take an inspiration from nature and make an evening gown. The designers are taken to the botanical garden to snap pictures, and they each choose vibrantly-colored flowers or leaves to serve as inspiration. Kenley leaves a bag of tulle at the fabric store, and since she's been working overtime to be intolerable towards the other designers, Tim, and the judges, nobody else is willing to hand over any of theirs. Since she did pay for it, Tim allows her to walk back to the store to pick it up, so she scoots over, grabs the bag, and scoots out.
Kender: "Yeah, don't check the bag or anything."
A case of nerves strikes the workroom, and nobody is as on their game as they usually are. On the runway, Leanne and Jerell's garments are praised more than they should be, while Korto and Kenley's are criticized more than they should be. Kenley snaps at the judges some more, countering their claim that her garment is inelegant by whining that she "wasn't going for elegance". Because it's not like she was supposed to design an evening gown or anything. Heidi nails the designers with a Tyra Question: "Why do you deserve to go to Fashion Week, and which two other designers would you want to go with you?" Jerell, Leanne, and Korto predictably gang up on Kenley, and I'd feel bad for anyone else, but she pretty much had that coming. Kenley herself chooses Leanne and Jerell, so Korto yells at her once they're backstage. I love Korto's work, and Kenley is truly annoying, but you don't get to attack someone else, then complain that they turned around and attacked you.
Anyhoo, Jerell undeservedly wins another challenge, and in an unsurprising move, nobody is eliminated. Everyone will go home to create a full line, but one of them will be chopped right before the big show. Get sewing, scrubs.
Overall Grade: C
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
High Steaks
Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 12
Previously on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars snuck up on me, and launched a surprise attack. The ongoing war between Lisa and Edible Rice culminated in a bowl of disgusting sludge. Dale continued to be as likable as a feral cat with mange. Team Winner lived up to their name, as did Team Loser. Spike managed to avoid the heat by staying out of the kitchen. So that's where that saying comes from. Dale and Lisa were evenly matched in poor food and poor attitude, but in a strange twist, Dale was eliminated over the clearly inferior Lisa. It was an unsettling decision that disturbed me for a full three seconds. Then I realized that we're rid of Dale, so the ends really, really justify the means in this case. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Along with the usual assortment of meats, cheeses, and crackers, Panny brought along a nice, fresh tomato/mozzarella/basil dip that delighted all.
Morning in Chicago. People walk to work, some in painful-looking shoes. Change at the office! Over at the house, we get the usual themes: Getting to the final four, Women Power, and how everyone needs to keep their focus. Especially me. This has been a good season, but we're getting to that traditional point where I'm sick of these people. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. Instead of going to the Kitchen, the chefs go a local meat purveyor, where a staff member sets everyone up with hats, hairnets, and what appear to be cardboard crotch-guards. Sexy! The challenge today involves butchering meat, which appears to be a pretty difficult process. Spike interviews that both of his grandfathers were butchers, which is kind of cool. The chefs are led to a line of long-bone rib-eye. The chefs will have twenty minutes to cut their hunks of meat into individual chops, while making sure that bone is frenched (exposed, and sticking out like a large handle). Lisa and Antonia are nervous, knowing that bad cuts can ruin the meat, and that the time limit would be tough for even a real butcher. Ready? And...go!
The "dry age" (the crusty external mold covering that is trimmed in this process) gives the chefs some trouble. Richard chooses to chop first and trim the dry age afterwards. Spike does the opposite, attacking the dry age first. From there, it's a simple matter of slicing and cleanup. Spike's chops look wonderful, and he interviews that the process was so easy, it wasn't even funny. Yeah, it does seem to come very naturally to him. Go, grandpas! Stephanie, as is her wont in Quickfires, is at a complete loss. Lisa worries that she won't make it into the top four. Please. She should be happy she made it into the top eight. Time runs out. Spike is pleased with himself, as always. The chefs pack up their steaks, and head back to the Kitchen, where they're met by this week's guest judge, Rick Tramonto. Padma explains that there is a second part to tonight's Quickfire, and the four chefs left at the end of this round will go on to the finals in Puerto Rico. The chefs must now prepare their steaks to a medium-rare doneness. LabRat crinkles his nose. Not me; give me some of that yummy, yummy blood. For once, it seems the winner won't be determined by flavor or seasoning. It'll simply come down to butchery skills and the ability to cook the meat to its proper doneness.
Padma starts the thirty-minute countdown. Lisa interviews that getting a steak to a proper temperature should be second-nature to a chef, but when she's under a lot of pressure, she tends to second-guess herself. She says she gauges it by touch, not temperature. Spike suggests cooking the steak the same amount on both sides, so that it's pink all the way through. Richard bemoans not having enough time to do something fancy. Stephanie tries to balance cooking time with resting time. Antonia puts a nice char on both sides to seal in the flavor, and then blasts the hell out of her meat with an ocean of butter. Time runs out.
Padma and Rick go down the line. Richard roasted, grilled, and charred the meat with his torch. Any excuse to use that torch, eh? Why am I Canadian all of a sudden? Rick mutters over Lisa and Stephanie's steaks, but takes a nice long look at the row of Spike's chops. Antonia is asked how long her meat has rested, and she says it's been about five minutes. Results. First in the bottom three is Stephanie, who must be required by law to screw up Quickfires. Her butchery was poor and her meat was undercooked. Richard's butchery was inconsistent and his meat was also undercooked. I guess we know what that means for the good news. Lisa's steak was cooked very well. Spike did an amazing job on the butchering. Antonia had a beautiful crust, and the meat was cooked perfectly. The ultimate winner is Spike, who is pleased to have done his family proud. No, wait. That's not what he said. He's pleased to have won, because he's passionate about making good food. Oops, that's not what he said either. No, in true Spike fashion, the best part about winning the challenge is showing up the other four contestants. Sigh. He's certainly consistent, isn't he?
Elimination Challenge. Padma says that the chefs will be entrusted with something very precious. They will be taking over Rick's steak house tomorrow night. Rick says that the restaurant has been fortunate enough to win some awards, and is very popular, so he hopes the chefs won't screw it up. Each of the five chefs will be responsible for their own individual appetizer and entree. The menu must be based on ingredients found in Rick's kitchen. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike will get first pick of proteins for both appetizer and entree. Well, there's no way Spike could blow that kind of advantage, huh? At the very least, he'll have learned his lesson from the boxed lunch debacle, right? Hello? Bueller? Lisa shrugs off Spike's advantage, saying that it puts a lot of pressure on him, because he'll be forced into a decision he may not be pleased to be stuck with ten minutes later. Rick begs the chefs to take care of his customers. The chefs are dismissed.
Back at the house, the chefs eat their steaks, and stroke Spike's ego about his amazing butchery skills. Spike interviews that as far as the female chefs go, Stephanie is the strongest, and he'd like to see Antonia go. I'd want the same thing in his position, and not because Antonia is a bad chef. Even though the audience can't taste any of this food, we sure get an idea of how the chefs' work is generally perceived by the judges, and Antonia tends to blow Spike away. As do Richard and Stephanie. The chefs all agree that going home on this challenge would suck extra hard. Richard says that being eliminated now would be no different than being eliminated first. Really? Why don't we ask Nimma how she feels about that? Who? Exactly.
Commercials. Take advantage of a program that automatically relocates money from one of your accounts to another. It'll be super convenient when you start over-drawing and get pummeled with tons of fees!
The next evening, the chefs head for Rick's restaurant. That's an awful lot of neon for what's being presented as a classy steak house. The inside is very pretty, though. Once in the kitchen, Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins. He quickly sifts though the food in the walk-in, and settles on the same tomahawk chops he prepared in the Quickfire for his entree, and a bag of frozen scallops for his appetizer. The other chefs are all "Whaaaaaa?", because you know how these folks feel about frozen food. Lisa grabs shrimp and New York strip steak. Antonia gets some veggies and rib-eye. Stephanie takes veal sweetbread and tenderloin, explaining that they've got three hours to prep. Lisa says she'll be making a peanut butter mashed potato for her steak, which sounds odd and vaguely unappetizing, but I'd be curious to try it. Richard gets a purple flame going on the stove. He's preparing some thinly-sliced hamachi with some sweetbreads, and beef tenderloin.
Antonia and Lisa have a friendly spar about the heat of the oven that the show appears to try and play up as dramatic, even though they're totally kidding with each other. I have to say, with Dale gone, Lisa's a lot less irritating. She doesn't want to be eliminated. From now on, I'll just assume that you're all aware that nobody wants to be eliminated tonight. Spike says that when he opened his bag of scallops, they were all torn, and soaking wet. Now where would moisture come from in a bag of frozen shellfish? Ummmm..... He piles the scallops on paper towels in an effort to soak up the water. With an hour and a half left, Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He intimates to Richard that his dishes are a bit simple, given the kind of twists Richard's done in the past. The barb gets under Richard's skin, but he tries to shrug it off. Ptom seems as skeptical of Lisa's peanut butter potatoes as I am. Spike tells him that he doesn't have a problem with using frozen scallops, but is disappointed in these particular ones. Ptom gathers the chefs to tell them they'll have about sixty diners, plus the judges and three VIP guests. Ptom himself will be expediting. Spike worries about his scallops, calling it "ironic" that his advantage bit him in the ass. I think Spike has been taking lessons in irony from Alanis Morissette. Antonia pre-prepares her steaks.
Commercials. Aw, forget the dumb chips. That's such a cute little piggy!
Time winds down, and the chefs put the finishing touches on their food. When time runs out, Ptom calls the chefs over to meet the three VIP guests. Why, It's Harold, Ilan, and Hung! Two deserving Top Chef winners, and a scum-sucking asshole I wouldn't piss on if he were on fire! I'll leave it you to sort out which is which. Ptom asks if the three of them have any suggestions for the fledgling chefs. Harold tells them to cook in their own styles, and to be true to themselves. Hung tells them to do what they've got to do to win; not be fan favorite. Someone's bitter! Ilan tells them not to shave anybody's head. Hahahahahaha! Because leading an attack on his enemy that paved the way for someone to be thrown out of the competition for assault is so fucking hilarious! Hahahaha! See, this is why I never buy any of that post-show whining about how the mean editors made someone look worse than they are in life. Those three just had exactly the responses you'd expect from them: Harold was straightforward and measured, Hung was practical if a bit full of himself, and Ilan was a rectal scraping from a diseased bison. I will be ignoring him for the rest of tonight. One season of him was plenty. The previous winners seat themselves, and Antonia worries that they'll probably be more critical than any judge.
Speaking of whom, Padma, Gail, and Rick walk in and join the table. Various diners pick and choose their appetizers, while Gail tells the server that the judges' table will be getting a tasting menu of everything. Ptom tells the chefs to make six portions of everything, cut down to about 1/3 the size. This throws everyone for a loop for some reason. Food begins to go out. Lisa's appetizer is grilled and chilled shrimp, with lemon zest and a tomato salad on some crostini. Hung thinks it needs more sugar, but Rick and Padma love the lemon. Gail and Harold agree that chilling the shrimp takes out a lot of its flavor. Richard's appetizer is thinly-sliced hamachi with crisped sweetbreads, which is served with radish, avocado, and yuzu. It looks good. Rick says that it's delicious, and a nice combination of hot and cold. He'd put it on his menu "in a heartbeat". Spike's scallops are seared and served with hearts of palm, oyster mushrooms, and scallions. The judges are all underwhelmed. Stephanie's veal sweetbreads are crisped, and served with golden raisins, pine nuts, bacon, fennel, and a sweet & sour sauce. Harold wishes the pine nuts had been toasted, but likes it very much overall. Hung likes the tartness. Gail says Stephanie's dish had everything Spike's didn't. Ouch. Antonia's mushroom and artichoke salad has a bacon vinaigrette and a perfectly poached egg on top. The judges like the egg, but are unimpressed with the rest of the salad.
Now, to the entrees. Richard plates too slowly for Ptom's tastes. It's because his plate has those artsy-fartsy slashes and dots of sauces. I think he's trying to make up for the simplicity of the food with an overly technical presentation. He's got a beef filet with a potato puree, and it's served with turnips, red wine, and pickled Brussels sprouts. Harold likes the pickled sprouts when combined with the meat, and Padma wonders why Richard didn't do that to begin with. Lisa has a New York strip steak with an apple caramel sauce, an apple/peanut gastrique, and the aforementioned peanut butter mashed potatoes. The judges aren't wowed by the meat itself, but the peanut butter potatoes are a nice surprise. Now I really want to try those. Spike's tomahawk chop looks overly done from the picture they show, and it's served with a sweet potato puree, blanched Brussels sprouts, and cipollini (similar to onions). As with his scallops, the entree gets a solid "meh". Stephanie's entree is beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and an apple sauce. The judges think it's gorgeous, as well as tasty. Antonia sends out her bone-in rib-eye, served with fennel and cipollinis, with a shallot/potato gratin. Rick ranks it above the other entrees, because it's the most rounded.
Other diners enjoy the food. Contrived toasts are filmed. The service slows down. Stephanie is confident in how she did, and doesn't think she could have done any better. Ptom requests portions of everything for himself. Antonia interviews that she doesn't think she'll be going home, realizes that she's just set herself up for the Fate-tempting elimination, and immediately amends her statement to say she has no idea who's going. Heh.
Commercials. Sorry, M. Night. You've run out of strikes.
Judges' Table. The chefs settle in for their fret 'n' sweat, and load up on wine. Lisa raises her beer to the other chefs, saying that they're all "fuckin' awesome". She really has calmed down. Padma enters, thanks them for a great meal, and summons everyone to the table. Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma reminds the chefs that for one of them, the journey ends tonight. Thanks, I wasn't sure, what with the twenty billion interviews we've gotten about how it all comes down to this challenge. Richard is asked how he thinks he did, and he hedges, not wanting to be all "I was awesome!" right before getting shot down. The judges tease him a little more by asking if he'd put his appetizer on his own menu (he gives another ambiguous answer about tweaking a couple of things) before Rick lets him off the hook by saying how much he liked it. The main course wasn't as big a hit. Gail says the meat was a bit undercooked on some plates, and Richard can't keep a momentary dirty look off his face for that one. He recovers quickly. Stephanie didn't show any pressure until this moment. Rick loved her sweetbreads, and Padma asks if she'd change anything about the entree. Stephanie would have liked for it to have a little more acidity. The judges ascertain that she hadn't made that dish before.
Lisa's appetizer was good, but Gail wishes the shrimp had been warm. Rick says he struggled with her appetizer, saying he really couldn't "get [his] arms" around it. Her entree was more successful, though it could have used a little more technical skill. Ptom's steak was cooked somewhat unevenly. Antonia's egg was perfect, and her entree suited the atmosphere extremely well. Spike says he fell in love with the tomahawk chop in the Quickfire, so that's why he chose it for the Elimination Challenge. Gail says that her portion of his entree was very good. The dreaded frozen scallops are brought up. Ptom wonders why Spike didn't pick from the vast array of fresh ingredients. He hints that Spike had the option to send the scallops back and pick something else, but I got the sense that he was required by the rules to stick by the scallops once he picked them. I mean, Ptom would know better than I, but what would happen if Spike exchanged the scallops after everyone else picked their proteins? Would that go against the stated advantage for winning the Quickfire? It's a mystery.
Rick says that chefs have to make choices and that if a vendor brings in an unacceptable ingredient, the chef should change the game plan. Spike says that "with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and they should never make it into the walk-in if it's not high quality". Richard's face mirrors mine, and conveys the following sentiment: "DAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMN!" Ptom gets a death glare. I will say this for Spike -- that took some balls. It was also one of the dumbest things he could possibly say at this point. Ptom and Company have done some scrambling since this episode, writing a blog post defending Rick by saying that the food brought in specifically for this episode included the frozen scallops, and that they're not generally a part of the restaurant's inventory. In fact, they were planted to see how the chefs responded to them. Naturally, Spike was unhappy to learn of this, calling it "bullshit" and "trickery at its best". That's true, and at the same time? Steering competitors away from a food source? Choosing ingredients based solely on how much damage he can do to the other chefs' menus? Sticking like glue to the dining room to avoid the inevitable disaster that befalls the kitchen? It's a tired cliche, but it's also a valid one: Don't dish it out if you can't take it. I'm not wild about the production laying that little trap, but nobody forced Spike to use the scallops, so I'm not very sympathetic.
The chefs are dismissed. Spike tries to repair some of the damage by shaking Rick's hand on the way out, saying it was an honor to work in his restaurant. Yeah, it's weak, but what can he do at this point? Back in the Kitchen, he says he can't believe he said that, and has no idea where it came from. From the section of your brain that frantically looks for someone else to blame for your mistakes? It's not like it's been in hiding. The other chefs are, like, "Sucks to be you." Deliberations. Ptom likes the challenge, because all of the chefs were self-contained. Yep, nobody to blame but yourself if something goes wrong. Not that I'm projecting my bias or anything. Rick says that Stephanie had the most well-rounded meal. Gail liked that she came up with something new. Richard's appetizer was innovative and delicious, but his entree was disjointed. Antonia's steak was probably the best entree, and she's a very insightful cook. Both of Spike's courses had issues. Ptom says that Spike wants to stick to a simple style, but that if you're going to do that, the food has to be perfect. Rick found him disappointing after such a successful Quickfire. Ptom says that "what bothers me about Lisa..."
Tiffany: "...is her face."
Heh. It's actually that he feels she's apathetic about her cooking. Padma thinks she has a good palate, and focuses more on flavor than technique. They try to decide between Spike and Lisa as to who had the bigger problem. Rick lies that this is a cooking competition, and that personality doesn't enter into it at all. He somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. I guess it's because he's the guest judge. Gail contradicts herself within two sentences by saying that Spike put more work into his dish, but agrees with Ptom when he says that Spike didn't put much work into his entree at all. Padma drama queens about what an important decision this is. The judges reach a verdict.
Commercials. Shear Genius is back, along with Jaclyn Smith as host.
LabRat: "Eh, I'm more of a Kate Jackson fan."
Limecrete: "You weren't in the cult of Farrah?"
LabRat: *scoffs*
Panny: "Farrah Fawcett has nipples like fucking push-pins."
Elimination. First, the good news. Stephanie wins her fifth Elimination Challenge. She gets a copy of Rick's book (Zzzzz...), followed by a bunch of kitchen appliances (Oooh, much better!). She also, obviously, is moving on to the finals in Puerto Rico. Richard had the favorite appetizer of the evening, and advances to the finals. Antonia had the favorite entree of the evening, and advances to the finals. The three of them are dismissed, and celebrate back in the Kitchen. Now, to the bottom two. Ptom tells Lisa she's been at the losers' table five times so far, and Spike has been there seven times. It's actually six and eight if you count tonight. Lisa isn't pushing hard enough. At least not with her food. Her shrimp was weak, and she needs to show more passion. Spike has to take responsibility for his choices, and needs greater skill if he's going to work with simple flavors. Over to Padma for the chop. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. Dug your own grave there, Spike. Geez, I don't even think Mike, who was so far beneath his competitors that they could have dropped a penny and killed him, was at losers' table so much.
Spike gives Lisa a hug, and thanks the judges for the opportunity. Lisa tells the judges she'll "bring it" for the finals. Oh, it's already been BROUGHTEN! Does Spike make sure to include how much awesomer he is than his competitors in his final interview? And how! After some more blather about how nobody puts Spikey in the corner, he and his hats drag themselves home. The final four are giddy and excited. Me, too. There's a good chance I'm going to be completely satisfied with the winner, which hasn't happened in a while.
Next week on Top Chef: Puerto Rico. Lisa has gotten herself a horribly unflattering bull-dyke haircut. Nothing against my lesbian brethren, but seriously, ladies. Enough with that. Chopping meat is apparently more dramatic than Ben-Hur.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars snuck up on me, and launched a surprise attack. The ongoing war between Lisa and Edible Rice culminated in a bowl of disgusting sludge. Dale continued to be as likable as a feral cat with mange. Team Winner lived up to their name, as did Team Loser. Spike managed to avoid the heat by staying out of the kitchen. So that's where that saying comes from. Dale and Lisa were evenly matched in poor food and poor attitude, but in a strange twist, Dale was eliminated over the clearly inferior Lisa. It was an unsettling decision that disturbed me for a full three seconds. Then I realized that we're rid of Dale, so the ends really, really justify the means in this case. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. Along with the usual assortment of meats, cheeses, and crackers, Panny brought along a nice, fresh tomato/mozzarella/basil dip that delighted all.
Morning in Chicago. People walk to work, some in painful-looking shoes. Change at the office! Over at the house, we get the usual themes: Getting to the final four, Women Power, and how everyone needs to keep their focus. Especially me. This has been a good season, but we're getting to that traditional point where I'm sick of these people. The chefs head out for the day.
Quickfire Challenge. Instead of going to the Kitchen, the chefs go a local meat purveyor, where a staff member sets everyone up with hats, hairnets, and what appear to be cardboard crotch-guards. Sexy! The challenge today involves butchering meat, which appears to be a pretty difficult process. Spike interviews that both of his grandfathers were butchers, which is kind of cool. The chefs are led to a line of long-bone rib-eye. The chefs will have twenty minutes to cut their hunks of meat into individual chops, while making sure that bone is frenched (exposed, and sticking out like a large handle). Lisa and Antonia are nervous, knowing that bad cuts can ruin the meat, and that the time limit would be tough for even a real butcher. Ready? And...go!
The "dry age" (the crusty external mold covering that is trimmed in this process) gives the chefs some trouble. Richard chooses to chop first and trim the dry age afterwards. Spike does the opposite, attacking the dry age first. From there, it's a simple matter of slicing and cleanup. Spike's chops look wonderful, and he interviews that the process was so easy, it wasn't even funny. Yeah, it does seem to come very naturally to him. Go, grandpas! Stephanie, as is her wont in Quickfires, is at a complete loss. Lisa worries that she won't make it into the top four. Please. She should be happy she made it into the top eight. Time runs out. Spike is pleased with himself, as always. The chefs pack up their steaks, and head back to the Kitchen, where they're met by this week's guest judge, Rick Tramonto. Padma explains that there is a second part to tonight's Quickfire, and the four chefs left at the end of this round will go on to the finals in Puerto Rico. The chefs must now prepare their steaks to a medium-rare doneness. LabRat crinkles his nose. Not me; give me some of that yummy, yummy blood. For once, it seems the winner won't be determined by flavor or seasoning. It'll simply come down to butchery skills and the ability to cook the meat to its proper doneness.
Padma starts the thirty-minute countdown. Lisa interviews that getting a steak to a proper temperature should be second-nature to a chef, but when she's under a lot of pressure, she tends to second-guess herself. She says she gauges it by touch, not temperature. Spike suggests cooking the steak the same amount on both sides, so that it's pink all the way through. Richard bemoans not having enough time to do something fancy. Stephanie tries to balance cooking time with resting time. Antonia puts a nice char on both sides to seal in the flavor, and then blasts the hell out of her meat with an ocean of butter. Time runs out.
Padma and Rick go down the line. Richard roasted, grilled, and charred the meat with his torch. Any excuse to use that torch, eh? Why am I Canadian all of a sudden? Rick mutters over Lisa and Stephanie's steaks, but takes a nice long look at the row of Spike's chops. Antonia is asked how long her meat has rested, and she says it's been about five minutes. Results. First in the bottom three is Stephanie, who must be required by law to screw up Quickfires. Her butchery was poor and her meat was undercooked. Richard's butchery was inconsistent and his meat was also undercooked. I guess we know what that means for the good news. Lisa's steak was cooked very well. Spike did an amazing job on the butchering. Antonia had a beautiful crust, and the meat was cooked perfectly. The ultimate winner is Spike, who is pleased to have done his family proud. No, wait. That's not what he said. He's pleased to have won, because he's passionate about making good food. Oops, that's not what he said either. No, in true Spike fashion, the best part about winning the challenge is showing up the other four contestants. Sigh. He's certainly consistent, isn't he?
Elimination Challenge. Padma says that the chefs will be entrusted with something very precious. They will be taking over Rick's steak house tomorrow night. Rick says that the restaurant has been fortunate enough to win some awards, and is very popular, so he hopes the chefs won't screw it up. Each of the five chefs will be responsible for their own individual appetizer and entree. The menu must be based on ingredients found in Rick's kitchen. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike will get first pick of proteins for both appetizer and entree. Well, there's no way Spike could blow that kind of advantage, huh? At the very least, he'll have learned his lesson from the boxed lunch debacle, right? Hello? Bueller? Lisa shrugs off Spike's advantage, saying that it puts a lot of pressure on him, because he'll be forced into a decision he may not be pleased to be stuck with ten minutes later. Rick begs the chefs to take care of his customers. The chefs are dismissed.
Back at the house, the chefs eat their steaks, and stroke Spike's ego about his amazing butchery skills. Spike interviews that as far as the female chefs go, Stephanie is the strongest, and he'd like to see Antonia go. I'd want the same thing in his position, and not because Antonia is a bad chef. Even though the audience can't taste any of this food, we sure get an idea of how the chefs' work is generally perceived by the judges, and Antonia tends to blow Spike away. As do Richard and Stephanie. The chefs all agree that going home on this challenge would suck extra hard. Richard says that being eliminated now would be no different than being eliminated first. Really? Why don't we ask Nimma how she feels about that? Who? Exactly.
Commercials. Take advantage of a program that automatically relocates money from one of your accounts to another. It'll be super convenient when you start over-drawing and get pummeled with tons of fees!
The next evening, the chefs head for Rick's restaurant. That's an awful lot of neon for what's being presented as a classy steak house. The inside is very pretty, though. Once in the kitchen, Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins. He quickly sifts though the food in the walk-in, and settles on the same tomahawk chops he prepared in the Quickfire for his entree, and a bag of frozen scallops for his appetizer. The other chefs are all "Whaaaaaa?", because you know how these folks feel about frozen food. Lisa grabs shrimp and New York strip steak. Antonia gets some veggies and rib-eye. Stephanie takes veal sweetbread and tenderloin, explaining that they've got three hours to prep. Lisa says she'll be making a peanut butter mashed potato for her steak, which sounds odd and vaguely unappetizing, but I'd be curious to try it. Richard gets a purple flame going on the stove. He's preparing some thinly-sliced hamachi with some sweetbreads, and beef tenderloin.
Antonia and Lisa have a friendly spar about the heat of the oven that the show appears to try and play up as dramatic, even though they're totally kidding with each other. I have to say, with Dale gone, Lisa's a lot less irritating. She doesn't want to be eliminated. From now on, I'll just assume that you're all aware that nobody wants to be eliminated tonight. Spike says that when he opened his bag of scallops, they were all torn, and soaking wet. Now where would moisture come from in a bag of frozen shellfish? Ummmm..... He piles the scallops on paper towels in an effort to soak up the water. With an hour and a half left, Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He intimates to Richard that his dishes are a bit simple, given the kind of twists Richard's done in the past. The barb gets under Richard's skin, but he tries to shrug it off. Ptom seems as skeptical of Lisa's peanut butter potatoes as I am. Spike tells him that he doesn't have a problem with using frozen scallops, but is disappointed in these particular ones. Ptom gathers the chefs to tell them they'll have about sixty diners, plus the judges and three VIP guests. Ptom himself will be expediting. Spike worries about his scallops, calling it "ironic" that his advantage bit him in the ass. I think Spike has been taking lessons in irony from Alanis Morissette. Antonia pre-prepares her steaks.
Commercials. Aw, forget the dumb chips. That's such a cute little piggy!
Time winds down, and the chefs put the finishing touches on their food. When time runs out, Ptom calls the chefs over to meet the three VIP guests. Why, It's Harold, Ilan, and Hung! Two deserving Top Chef winners, and a scum-sucking asshole I wouldn't piss on if he were on fire! I'll leave it you to sort out which is which. Ptom asks if the three of them have any suggestions for the fledgling chefs. Harold tells them to cook in their own styles, and to be true to themselves. Hung tells them to do what they've got to do to win; not be fan favorite. Someone's bitter! Ilan tells them not to shave anybody's head. Hahahahahaha! Because leading an attack on his enemy that paved the way for someone to be thrown out of the competition for assault is so fucking hilarious! Hahahaha! See, this is why I never buy any of that post-show whining about how the mean editors made someone look worse than they are in life. Those three just had exactly the responses you'd expect from them: Harold was straightforward and measured, Hung was practical if a bit full of himself, and Ilan was a rectal scraping from a diseased bison. I will be ignoring him for the rest of tonight. One season of him was plenty. The previous winners seat themselves, and Antonia worries that they'll probably be more critical than any judge.
Speaking of whom, Padma, Gail, and Rick walk in and join the table. Various diners pick and choose their appetizers, while Gail tells the server that the judges' table will be getting a tasting menu of everything. Ptom tells the chefs to make six portions of everything, cut down to about 1/3 the size. This throws everyone for a loop for some reason. Food begins to go out. Lisa's appetizer is grilled and chilled shrimp, with lemon zest and a tomato salad on some crostini. Hung thinks it needs more sugar, but Rick and Padma love the lemon. Gail and Harold agree that chilling the shrimp takes out a lot of its flavor. Richard's appetizer is thinly-sliced hamachi with crisped sweetbreads, which is served with radish, avocado, and yuzu. It looks good. Rick says that it's delicious, and a nice combination of hot and cold. He'd put it on his menu "in a heartbeat". Spike's scallops are seared and served with hearts of palm, oyster mushrooms, and scallions. The judges are all underwhelmed. Stephanie's veal sweetbreads are crisped, and served with golden raisins, pine nuts, bacon, fennel, and a sweet & sour sauce. Harold wishes the pine nuts had been toasted, but likes it very much overall. Hung likes the tartness. Gail says Stephanie's dish had everything Spike's didn't. Ouch. Antonia's mushroom and artichoke salad has a bacon vinaigrette and a perfectly poached egg on top. The judges like the egg, but are unimpressed with the rest of the salad.
Now, to the entrees. Richard plates too slowly for Ptom's tastes. It's because his plate has those artsy-fartsy slashes and dots of sauces. I think he's trying to make up for the simplicity of the food with an overly technical presentation. He's got a beef filet with a potato puree, and it's served with turnips, red wine, and pickled Brussels sprouts. Harold likes the pickled sprouts when combined with the meat, and Padma wonders why Richard didn't do that to begin with. Lisa has a New York strip steak with an apple caramel sauce, an apple/peanut gastrique, and the aforementioned peanut butter mashed potatoes. The judges aren't wowed by the meat itself, but the peanut butter potatoes are a nice surprise. Now I really want to try those. Spike's tomahawk chop looks overly done from the picture they show, and it's served with a sweet potato puree, blanched Brussels sprouts, and cipollini (similar to onions). As with his scallops, the entree gets a solid "meh". Stephanie's entree is beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and an apple sauce. The judges think it's gorgeous, as well as tasty. Antonia sends out her bone-in rib-eye, served with fennel and cipollinis, with a shallot/potato gratin. Rick ranks it above the other entrees, because it's the most rounded.
Other diners enjoy the food. Contrived toasts are filmed. The service slows down. Stephanie is confident in how she did, and doesn't think she could have done any better. Ptom requests portions of everything for himself. Antonia interviews that she doesn't think she'll be going home, realizes that she's just set herself up for the Fate-tempting elimination, and immediately amends her statement to say she has no idea who's going. Heh.
Commercials. Sorry, M. Night. You've run out of strikes.
Judges' Table. The chefs settle in for their fret 'n' sweat, and load up on wine. Lisa raises her beer to the other chefs, saying that they're all "fuckin' awesome". She really has calmed down. Padma enters, thanks them for a great meal, and summons everyone to the table. Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma reminds the chefs that for one of them, the journey ends tonight. Thanks, I wasn't sure, what with the twenty billion interviews we've gotten about how it all comes down to this challenge. Richard is asked how he thinks he did, and he hedges, not wanting to be all "I was awesome!" right before getting shot down. The judges tease him a little more by asking if he'd put his appetizer on his own menu (he gives another ambiguous answer about tweaking a couple of things) before Rick lets him off the hook by saying how much he liked it. The main course wasn't as big a hit. Gail says the meat was a bit undercooked on some plates, and Richard can't keep a momentary dirty look off his face for that one. He recovers quickly. Stephanie didn't show any pressure until this moment. Rick loved her sweetbreads, and Padma asks if she'd change anything about the entree. Stephanie would have liked for it to have a little more acidity. The judges ascertain that she hadn't made that dish before.
Lisa's appetizer was good, but Gail wishes the shrimp had been warm. Rick says he struggled with her appetizer, saying he really couldn't "get [his] arms" around it. Her entree was more successful, though it could have used a little more technical skill. Ptom's steak was cooked somewhat unevenly. Antonia's egg was perfect, and her entree suited the atmosphere extremely well. Spike says he fell in love with the tomahawk chop in the Quickfire, so that's why he chose it for the Elimination Challenge. Gail says that her portion of his entree was very good. The dreaded frozen scallops are brought up. Ptom wonders why Spike didn't pick from the vast array of fresh ingredients. He hints that Spike had the option to send the scallops back and pick something else, but I got the sense that he was required by the rules to stick by the scallops once he picked them. I mean, Ptom would know better than I, but what would happen if Spike exchanged the scallops after everyone else picked their proteins? Would that go against the stated advantage for winning the Quickfire? It's a mystery.
Rick says that chefs have to make choices and that if a vendor brings in an unacceptable ingredient, the chef should change the game plan. Spike says that "with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and they should never make it into the walk-in if it's not high quality". Richard's face mirrors mine, and conveys the following sentiment: "DAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMN!" Ptom gets a death glare. I will say this for Spike -- that took some balls. It was also one of the dumbest things he could possibly say at this point. Ptom and Company have done some scrambling since this episode, writing a blog post defending Rick by saying that the food brought in specifically for this episode included the frozen scallops, and that they're not generally a part of the restaurant's inventory. In fact, they were planted to see how the chefs responded to them. Naturally, Spike was unhappy to learn of this, calling it "bullshit" and "trickery at its best". That's true, and at the same time? Steering competitors away from a food source? Choosing ingredients based solely on how much damage he can do to the other chefs' menus? Sticking like glue to the dining room to avoid the inevitable disaster that befalls the kitchen? It's a tired cliche, but it's also a valid one: Don't dish it out if you can't take it. I'm not wild about the production laying that little trap, but nobody forced Spike to use the scallops, so I'm not very sympathetic.
The chefs are dismissed. Spike tries to repair some of the damage by shaking Rick's hand on the way out, saying it was an honor to work in his restaurant. Yeah, it's weak, but what can he do at this point? Back in the Kitchen, he says he can't believe he said that, and has no idea where it came from. From the section of your brain that frantically looks for someone else to blame for your mistakes? It's not like it's been in hiding. The other chefs are, like, "Sucks to be you." Deliberations. Ptom likes the challenge, because all of the chefs were self-contained. Yep, nobody to blame but yourself if something goes wrong. Not that I'm projecting my bias or anything. Rick says that Stephanie had the most well-rounded meal. Gail liked that she came up with something new. Richard's appetizer was innovative and delicious, but his entree was disjointed. Antonia's steak was probably the best entree, and she's a very insightful cook. Both of Spike's courses had issues. Ptom says that Spike wants to stick to a simple style, but that if you're going to do that, the food has to be perfect. Rick found him disappointing after such a successful Quickfire. Ptom says that "what bothers me about Lisa..."
Tiffany: "...is her face."
Heh. It's actually that he feels she's apathetic about her cooking. Padma thinks she has a good palate, and focuses more on flavor than technique. They try to decide between Spike and Lisa as to who had the bigger problem. Rick lies that this is a cooking competition, and that personality doesn't enter into it at all. He somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. I guess it's because he's the guest judge. Gail contradicts herself within two sentences by saying that Spike put more work into his dish, but agrees with Ptom when he says that Spike didn't put much work into his entree at all. Padma drama queens about what an important decision this is. The judges reach a verdict.
Commercials. Shear Genius is back, along with Jaclyn Smith as host.
LabRat: "Eh, I'm more of a Kate Jackson fan."
Limecrete: "You weren't in the cult of Farrah?"
LabRat: *scoffs*
Panny: "Farrah Fawcett has nipples like fucking push-pins."
Elimination. First, the good news. Stephanie wins her fifth Elimination Challenge. She gets a copy of Rick's book (Zzzzz...), followed by a bunch of kitchen appliances (Oooh, much better!). She also, obviously, is moving on to the finals in Puerto Rico. Richard had the favorite appetizer of the evening, and advances to the finals. Antonia had the favorite entree of the evening, and advances to the finals. The three of them are dismissed, and celebrate back in the Kitchen. Now, to the bottom two. Ptom tells Lisa she's been at the losers' table five times so far, and Spike has been there seven times. It's actually six and eight if you count tonight. Lisa isn't pushing hard enough. At least not with her food. Her shrimp was weak, and she needs to show more passion. Spike has to take responsibility for his choices, and needs greater skill if he's going to work with simple flavors. Over to Padma for the chop. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. Dug your own grave there, Spike. Geez, I don't even think Mike, who was so far beneath his competitors that they could have dropped a penny and killed him, was at losers' table so much.
Spike gives Lisa a hug, and thanks the judges for the opportunity. Lisa tells the judges she'll "bring it" for the finals. Oh, it's already been BROUGHTEN! Does Spike make sure to include how much awesomer he is than his competitors in his final interview? And how! After some more blather about how nobody puts Spikey in the corner, he and his hats drag themselves home. The final four are giddy and excited. Me, too. There's a good chance I'm going to be completely satisfied with the winner, which hasn't happened in a while.
Next week on Top Chef: Puerto Rico. Lisa has gotten herself a horribly unflattering bull-dyke haircut. Nothing against my lesbian brethren, but seriously, ladies. Enough with that. Chopping meat is apparently more dramatic than Ben-Hur.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
And the Winner Is...
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 12
Previously on America's Next Top Model: A shark-jumping bore of a season.
In the first half of the finale, the final three girls do another CoverGirl commercial, though thankfully it's in English this time. None of the three do spectacularly well, though when has doing well ever had any effect on the judging later? The commercial is followed by the traditional beauty shot. The first panel strikes, and Fatima takes the long walk home.
That leaves Whitney and Anya to duke it out at the fashion show, and Whitney is clearly better. Again, not that it would make a difference if the judges didn't want it to. My hopes are raised when Whitney's portfolio is highly praised at the final panel, and though LabRat suspects they're just covering their skinny asses before cutting her wider one, she pulls out the win. Yay! If this season weren't so tedious, I'd be jumping off the couch at a beautiful, deserving plus-sized winner. But it was, so let's all give a big thumbs up to Whitney, and turn our attention to more important matters.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: A shark-jumping bore of a season.
In the first half of the finale, the final three girls do another CoverGirl commercial, though thankfully it's in English this time. None of the three do spectacularly well, though when has doing well ever had any effect on the judging later? The commercial is followed by the traditional beauty shot. The first panel strikes, and Fatima takes the long walk home.
That leaves Whitney and Anya to duke it out at the fashion show, and Whitney is clearly better. Again, not that it would make a difference if the judges didn't want it to. My hopes are raised when Whitney's portfolio is highly praised at the final panel, and though LabRat suspects they're just covering their skinny asses before cutting her wider one, she pulls out the win. Yay! If this season weren't so tedious, I'd be jumping off the couch at a beautiful, deserving plus-sized winner. But it was, so let's all give a big thumbs up to Whitney, and turn our attention to more important matters.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C+
Monday, September 17, 2007
Snacks on a Plane
Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 12
Previously on Top Chef: Howie tried to prove he's not a completely irredeemable dickhead by sacrificing himself to the bullshit challenge and its attendant appalling judging panel. It worked. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. I wanted to tackle those Cheddar/chive biscuits that entire restaurants are built around. I should have probably taken a closer look at the recipe and halved it before I started, because soon my kitchen was overrun with them, like Tribbles. They weren't bad, though.
Morning at Chef's Manor. 6AM, to be precise. Peaceful "happy animals in the forest" music plays as we get shots of all the chefs sleeping. Into this blissful quiet comes a grinning Padma, who happily screams "Good moooooorning! Rise and shine!" as she rips the covers off of Casey. Yeah, it's going to take a while before I buy any of the judges as likable again. CJ sarcastically interviews about how nice and gentle Padma was. She doesn't rip the covers off of any of the guys, which was probably wise. We can have some surprises under those blankets. She tells them there's a surprise in the other room, and skips out. Dale knows to expect some horrible breakfast challenge. Aw, our chefs have finally learned to be appropriately suspicious. By the way, I completely covet Dale's shirt, which simply reads "SLEAZY". Awesome.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the main room, still in their jammies. A complete challenge has been set up, and I have to wonder how they got that accomplished without waking anybody. Rows of spices, baking staples, and other ingredients line the counter. Padma tells them that their challenge is to make her breakfast in twenty minutes, using a product-placed blender. Saram points out that everyone has to cook in their sleeping clothes, and laughs over how ripped up CJ's are and how Casey's still in her robe. At least they let everyone put a shirt on. Nobody needs a hot oil spatter on their nips. Unless they're into that. Padma gives the word, and everyone scrambles for the food. Naturally, Hung goes into his usual spaz attack the minute the time starts, and as always, I'm torn between annoyance and a sort of admiration for how wholeheartedly he throws himself into these challenges.
Of course, speed without thought has consequences, and this time, it's a bottle of oil that Hung knocks onto the ground, where it shatters. Casey points out that running in a kitchen is not highly recommended, and that now there's oil and glass all over the floor in a room full of chefs in their socks (or in some cases bare feet). Hung interviews that he didn't think he was the one to knock the oil over (a sort of statement you should never make when you know your every move is being videotaped). He offers an insincere apology if he was, in fact, the culprit. Then there's a patched-in quote of him saying he doesn't much care about anyone else, he's just there to cook for himself. I highly doubt this is when he said that; they're just trying to make him sound more hateful. He really doesn't need the help. He raids the fridge, knocking out even more food, then abandoning it on the ground.
Dale tells us he ran a brunch place for a year in Chicago that won an award, but in that case, he had four hours to prep food and a nice, full kitchen. This is twenty minutes, a tiny cutting board, a blender, and a butane burner. Hung interviews that he's always in a hurry (shocker!), so he doesn't eat breakfast often. He sets to work on a steak and egg plate, which is very "traditional". I don't think many people eat steak and eggs for breakfast anymore. They eat it as late night food when they're drunk. Which actually means it's perfect for this challenge, as we all agree that Padma looks hungover as hell. Hung also works on a smoothie with several ingredients, including Grand Marnier. Yep, he knows how to work Padma this morning. Saram also knows her way around Padma's love of booze, directly following that statement up with one about how Padma's into healthy food. Heh. She's making French toast with whole-grain bread. Casey is also making French toast and eggs, and whipping together a salsa as well. She rushes to get something from the counter and almost wipes out on the oil Hung spilled. CJ is working on crepes, which "women love". Um... OK, then. I never really knew crepes were a gender issue, but whatever. Time runs out.
Padma starts off with CJ, who has make a shake out of blueberries, dates, and mascarpone. Quick side note. They've never really defined what criteria a Top Chef possesses, but I'd like to request one. A top chef pronounces the word "mascarpone" correctly. I don't know why supposed professionals insist on giving the r an all-expenses-paid trip to the first syllable, but they need to stop. CJ has also made a berries and cream crepe, with almond flavoring in the whipped cream on top. Padma likes it, which CJ attributes to the awesome power crepes have over women's ovaries or something. Saram presents her "rustic" French toast, which is served with prosciutto, eggs, and a big 'ol slice of grapefruit. Padma happily discovers that there is maple syrup on top. Casey also has French toast and grapefruit, but it looks totally different than Saram's. Her French toast incorporates the chunky salsa she's made, along with some spinach, and a sunny-side up egg. I like runny yolks, but this egg is practically begging for salmonella. Padma asks her if she makes a lot of brunch at home, and Casey almost embarrassedly admits she doesn't cook much at home. It's understandable. I don't examine maize DNA sequence in my free time.
Hung's steak and eggs includes some mushroom, onion, and, as the reliably shitty title department would have you believe, papaya. Hung hasn't actually lost his mind and put papaya on steak. The papaya is in the smoothie, which also incorporates banana, honey, and Grand Marnier. I can't believe people are given real money to produce these titles. Padma tells him she's not a usual fan of steak and eggs, but his dish is very good, and the smoothie is "fantastic". Ah, the power of alcohol. Dale says that since he's from the midwest, savory breakfasts are all about bacon. Preach it, brother! He didn't have access to bacon in this challenge, so he used ham to make a ham, apple, and onion frittata on a mustard hollandaise sauce. Padma tells him it's "very nice". Brian has poached egg with lobster (of course) and butter, and added a saute of red onion, lemon, smoked salmon, olives, and grape tomatoes. Yeesh, that's a lot going on. He's also made a blackberry/raspberry/banana smoothie, which doesn't turn out to be that smooth, as Padma discovers some blackberry seeds.
Time for the results. CJ makes fun of Hung for dropping the oil. Hung looks severely unamused, which is severely amusing. Padma doesn't pick any losers for this challenge. Really, everyone did well (except for Brian, who wasn't awful), and Padma always lets Ptom or the guest judge explain why certain people failed. Perhaps the production doesn't want her to come off as a bad guy, which is weird, when you think of the way they let Ptom carry himself. Anyhoo, the two people who impressed Padma the most were Hung and Saram. The win goes to Hung, in part because he used the blender more than Saram, and you've got to keep those sponsors happy. The chefs applaud him, including himself. Classy. Dale can't seem to decide if Hung won because he got Padma to like steak and eggs or because he plied her with liquor. I know what my money's on. As the winner of the Quickfire, Hung will get an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge (hopefully a better "advantage" than Brian got last week), and also a copy of Padma's new cookbook: How To Put Booze In Everything. OK, that's not the real title, but it's probably a more accurate one.
Before she leaves, Padma tells the chefs that the game is about to change. The chefs look at her like "Yeah? What else is new?". She announces that the show is hitting the road, with the last stop in Aspen for the finale. The chefs will leaving Miami this very afternoon. They break into smiles and applause instantly, because they couldn't be more sick of their living space, no matter how nice it is. Hung comes to claim his cookbook, and Padma also hands him airplane tickets to hand out to everyone else. They all grab one, and agree to open them at the same time. They do, and break into wild cheers when they find out where they're headed. The audience, however, must be kept in suspense through the...
Commercials. I don't know why Miller even bothers advertising here. If I'm going to drink cheap beer, I'm going to drink cheap beer that helps the local economy.
OK, what fabulous destination are the chefs off to? New York! Oh. That's kind of a letdown. I mean, hooray for New York and everything, but every reality show ever usually takes place there. I was thinking it'd be someplace, well, new. CJ is excited to go to New York for the first time, so he can get a slice of pizza. Dude, go to Chicago. They're the ones who know pizza. Dale is looking forward to New York, saying his old goal was to make it to the final six. Now that he's done it, his new goal is to make it to the final four. Everyone packs. Brian pays some lip service to Miami, even though the chefs clearly can't wait to blow town. Everyone's proud of what they accomplished, everyone is excited for the next phase of the competition, and everyone wants to win.
A lovingly product-placed plane takes off, and sails shinily through the clear sky. Not shown? Any of this. The plane lands at Newark, and the chefs strut off the plane, where they're met by Padma. I covet yet another T-shirt, in this case CJ's, which has an upside-down tree on it. Padma tells them that in order to make it to Manhattan, the chefs will need to pass the next Elimination Challenge, which is taking place right here in the Newark airport. Casey emits a heavily sarcastic "very nice" which makes me giggle. The chefs are sent off to some scuzzy local hotel for the evening. CJ's upset that he won't get any pizza. I'm fairly certain the Newark airport can take care of that. When I came home from a month and a half abroad, I bought a hot dog in the Newark airport (served by a remarkably rude woman), and it was like heaven. Yay, American grease! But I digress. The chefs resignedly head out.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs come back to the airport, and walk into a large building near the tarmac, which turns out to house the airline kitchens. Everyone is required to wear plastic coverings on their heads, which looks especially goofy on Padma, who refuses to tuck in her bangs. She introduces the man standing next to her, who belongs to a group that is trying to upgrade airline food's poor image. I'd imagine the recent record-breaking amount of late/cancelled flights, lost luggage, making people sit on runways for hours at a stretch, kicking people off planes for wearing skirts, talking, or speaking their native language, and having passengers enjoy a river of excrement would be more of a concern than overcooked chicken, but what do I know?
The Elimination Challenge for the week is to devise a hot entree that will actually whet passengers' appetites. Of course, it's specified that the meals would be going to first-class passengers, and it's not like they've ever had trouble in the food department. It's those of us back in coach who have had to contend with the pig slop. The mystery man is finally dignified with a name (Gerry McLoughlin), as Padma tells the chefs they'll have two hours to prep and package their food, which will be presented to the judges and a group of "travel experts". Hung's advantage for winning the Quickfire is that he gets first choice of proteins, which nobody else may use. Wait, the Quickfire winner gets an actual edge in a challenge that can actually be completed? Am I watching the right show? Gerry gives them a tour of the facilities, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. The only useful information we get out of it is some common sense (all the food on the plate is heated together, there isn't a lot of packaging space to work with, etc.) and that the food must cook for at least ten minutes. No tuna tartares here! Gerry wishes everyone luck.
The challenge begins, and time starts counting down. Hung steps up to choose his protein, and selects sea-bass (he also says he's going to accent it with some shrimp, but that doesn't seem to count against the other chefs' protein choices). He explains that he chose sea-bass because it's an oily fish, and thus it's difficult to dry out. Sounds reasonable, just as it did before. The other chefs appear to go for their proteins at the same time, so it's a bit chaotic. Dale's strategy is to appeal to as many people as possible, so he goes for peppercorn-crusted filet, which is a "slam dunk". I'll say; I freaking love that stuff. CJ has chosen halibut, and wants to make a kind of succotash pilaf. Brian works on a surf 'n turf of lobster (of course) and New York strip steak. There's a short montage of chefs frantically looking for various kitchen equipment, because they're not psychic enough to know where everything is in a room they've never been in before. CJ beats on a can with a knife, because nobody's been able to locate a can opener. Yeesh. Saram says that burner space is at a premium.
And...in comes Ptom to Ptimewaste. I guess one of the perks of baldness is that he doesn't have to wear a plastic head cover, although based on Ptom's usual clothing choices, it'd probably be a step up. He makes his way through the kitchen, and true to the name, we learn absolutely nothing interesting or essential to the challenge. That's fine; I can pay my credit card bill while I wait for him to shut up. As time begins to wind down, people start boxing up their meals. Brian realizes that CJ has fallen behind, and is unlikely to get things packaged in time. Hung is busy cleaning his knives, and we get an odd segment in which Dale takes him to task (in interview) for not doing CJ's work for him. The other chefs help CJ finish his preparations.
Listen, I'm all for being friendly to your competitors, even as you're trying to best them. Not understanding that is what did Tiffani in. And I'm all for the attitude that you should want to beat your competitors by having a superior product, rather than on some technicality. That said, helping CJ out of a jam that he put himself into is not Hung's responsibility. Sure, it'd be nice if he were kind enough to pitch in, but it's not a character flaw that he didn't. If this were a real life kitchen, in which all the chefs are supposed to be working together, fine. But it's not; it's a zero-sum game. If you and I play Monopoly, know that I love you, but if you land on my hotel, you're handing over the money, bitch.
Commercials. If you don't shop at WalMart, you're a bad mother, and your children will starve.
The chefs walk into a gigantic hangar that houses a large plane. The judges await them at the stairway leading up to the plane's doors. Gail still isn't back (crap!). Taking her place is Anthony Bourdain, who really needs more work to do if he's constantly available to be a backup judge. "You need me to show up and be grouchy? I'll be there in twenty minutes!" I might have to start calling him Anthony Seacrest. This week's guest judge is Jimmy Canora. I guess Gerry wasn't important enough. And rounding out the judges this week is a man who's far too old to be dressing for the Newsies audition he's apparently on his way to. Oh, wait. That's Ptom. He is wearing a leather jacket over a black t-shirt, a backwards newsboy cap, and leather shoes with no socks. No, really. It's like a thrift store fell on top of him, and this is how he emerged from the rubble. Even if he weren't such a shitty judge, would you be able to take criticism from anyone in this getup? Hung recaps the challenge for us. Padma reminds the chefs that they'll be cooking for "travel experts", and these experts unsurprisingly turn out to be a seemingly never-ending line of flight attendants. Once they've all finally boarded the plane, it's time to serve.
Brian and Dale are up first, one in each of the plane's galleys. They each have issues getting the equipment to cooperate with them. CJ helps Brian plate up, and his food is brought out. His strip steak is served with purple potato and a lobster hash. The steaks are enormous. Dale describes them as brontosaurus burgers. Hehe. I can't imagine the diners could eat all of it, and still have room for five other entrees. One woman with an unfortunate speaking voice tells her seatmate that the steaks are really tender and that the portions are very generous. The judges are less pleased, saying that the lobster is overcooked. Casey helps Dale plate up. He serves his peppercorn steak, which has a mushroom sauce and asparagus on top, and leeks on the side. But wait! There's more! He also serves a side dish of shrimp with zucchini and celery. A flight attendant who kind of looks a little like Nnenna loves his presentation. Jimmy thinks the sauce is really rich, and although Anthony likes the aggressive pepper on the steak (as would I), he thinks it's probably a bit too strong for the average person. Two seatmates agree that Dale's was better than Brian's. But not all is well in Daleville. It seems that instead of making eighteen portions, Dale has prepared seventeen. One poor flight attendant is left with an empty tray. Aw. Dale's response to this is a succinct "Oh, fuck".
Up next are Hung and Saram. The magic of television whips us through their cooking time, and CJ comes up to help Saram plate. She says that her vegetables held up well, but isn't too sure about how some of her fish turned out. She serves her seared salmon over leek fondue, which is topped with spinach. Sounds good to me. Her side dish is a spinach and fig couscous. Several flight attendants enjoy the salmon. One woman opines that regular flyers would like it as well. Well, who cares about regular people? Let's go over to Anthony and Ptom, who are bonding over their disdain of the dish. We spend a few seconds on them being their usual ray-of-sunshine selves before catching up with Hung. Casey helps him plate up. He takes out his Chilean sea-bass, which is topped with a tomato sauce, and served with baby squash and onions. Sounds good. It gets good reviews. Even Ptom mutters "pretty good", which translates to Normal Person English as doing a triple backflip and yelling "HOOOOOOOOOORAY!!!!".
Finally, CJ and Casey get ready to serve. Brian helps CJ plate. CJ worries that his vegetable side dish isn't up to par, but feels good otherwise. He takes out his halibut, which is seared and served with toasted farro and mint oil. His side dish is roasted broccolini with breadcrumbs in a vinaigrette. Nothing goes over well with the judges (we don't see how CJ fared with the flight attendants). Anthony drops the word "sickening", but we all know how prone to exaggeration he is, so that probably means "not great". Dale helps Casey plate. She worries that her meat may not have cooked all the way through, and is concerned over her portion size. She takes out her grilled veal medallions with crimini and apple brandy. I had no idea there was a food called crimini. If I didn't dislike mushrooms so much, I'd rush out and buy some now, just so I could enjoy saying the word "crimini" as much as possible. Crimini, crimini, crimini! Casey's side dish is a cauliflower gratin with Gruyere cheese. Ptom gives this one a "very good", so I guess that's like a ninety-nine Roman candle salute. Everyone likes all the food, though Jimmy points out that they don't often serve cauliflower to people stuck on a plane. Heh, no kidding. Padma thanks the flight attendants for "helping [the judges] decide", although I haven't seen any indication that their opinions are taken into account at all. Padma walks back to the coach seats to inform the chefs that she'll see them at Judges' Table. It's a safe bet. Everyone's nervous.
Commercials. We're asked to vote on the "fan favorite". Why not just save a lot of time and effort, and hand over the big toy check to CJ now?
Judges' Table. What a weird color scheme. Is this Newark or the set of Wake Up, San Francisco!? The judges agree that airplane cooking is a tough challenge. Dale's filet was spicy, but otherwise great. However, the fact that he didn't make enough portions is a "huge factor". Brian's steaks varied in doneness, but the real issue was his rubbery, overcooked lobster hash. Hung's sea-bass was a good choice, and well-executed. Both Casey's veal and her cauliflower were very successful, and she showed the qualities of a "chef", rather than a "cook". Again, I'd love for them to sit down one day and explain what they think the differences between those two things are. I'm not the only one who's curious. Saram's salmon had problems, and the couscous even more so. CJ's halibut was nearly overcooked, but the real issue was the broccolini, which the judges really seem to hate with a passion. Back in the other room, the chefs are telling one another that they've had a good ride, and are happy to have met one another. OK, one of you is about to be eliminated from a reality show. Nobody's going to the electric chair. Padma comes back and summons Hung, Casey, and Dale to the table.
The three of them enter the judging room, and Padma tells them they had the three top dishes of the challenge. So much for Dale's portion issue being a "huge factor". They tell him his filet may not have been that creative, but was cooked perfectly. Dale admits to miscounting the amount of food he needed. Hung is asked why he chose sea-bass, and he reiterates the point about the high fat content making sea-bass difficult to overcook. The judges all really liked it. Casey is complimented for both of her dishes. It not only had great flavor, but was very creative as well. Jimmy gets to announce the winner, and for the second consecutive week, it's Casey. Whee! She wins another actual prize: two first-class round trip tickets anywhere in the world. Oh, sweet! Casey says it feels good to be on such a roll. Padma tells the top three that they'll have to send in some of their colleagues. Gee, who could it be? The top three come back, and Casey is congratulated for her win. The bottom three head out to the judges.
Odd Asian music. Gong. Saram is asked how she thinks she did, and she admits that some of the fish portions cooked more than others, and that she should have separated them out better. Ptom gives her a condescending nod, like "of course you should have, you silly little fool". She did like how her leek fondue came out. Anthony tells her that his salmon was overcooked to the point of being cat food. More on this in a second. Padma tells her that the couscous had no flavor, and that she knows Saram is capable of a better couscous. CJ admits his food didn't turn out well, and the judges sneeringly agree. CJ sarcastically thanks them. He talks about his fish for a moment, before the judges tear the broccolini to shreds. It was "horrifying". It shouldn't be served in prison. Blah, blah, blah. Am I missing something? It's broccolini, bread, and some vinaigrette. I can certainly see how it could be unsuccessful. I could even see how it could turn out to be bad. But I simply do not understand how these three things could be combined to make something that disgusting. Brian is asked why he thinks he's here, and he says something about large portions, which doesn't really make sense. Ptom discerns that Brian is surprised to be in the bottom three, and tells him (along with help from Anthony, of course) that his lobster hash was "disgusting".
So... "Cat food." "Horrifying." "Disgusting." "Gross." "Massive hyperbole." Oh, sorry. That last one was me. OK, there have to be winners and losers in the challenge. Fine. And if there's one person who likes to exaggerate to make a point, it's me. But really? Were these three dishes exponentially worse than the other three, or simply not as good? All three of these chefs have won previous challenges. They know their way around food. I just don't see them producing mush that you wouldn't feed to a random stray. All this is conjecture, of course, but maybe it's time to take a weensy step back from the hissyfit ledge, judges. Brian vows that he'll never use lobster again. Oooh, really? He's asked the same question CJ was asked a moment earlier: Is this the dish that sends him home? He duhs (as did CJ) that it is not. Padma dismisses the bottom three, and they come back to the waiting room, describing the panel's criticisms as "brutal".
Deliberations. Brian should have realized his lobster was overcooked. Saram's salmon was poor, and the couscous was terrible. Padma says "Okay..." in a wary tone of voice that suggests she's about to say something in Saram's defense, but of course we cut out before we can hear any of it. CJ's side dish was "beyond help". Ptom calls the broccolini the "single worst thing they've had throughout the entire competition". Oh, come on. I know, it's not like I can taste the food they're eating, but I just don't buy that broccolini was worse than, oh say...Cheeto shitbombs.
Commercials. Yikes, it's official. I have already commented upon every commercial shown during this break. Wow. Let me go make a quick notation in my calendar for tomorrow: Obtain life.
Elimination. Ptom tells the bottom three that by this stage in the competition, they're expecting "first class" food from all the chefs. Shit. I thought we were past the Bad Pun Stage. Saram's salmon was so-so, and the couscous had no business being on the plate. Ptom reiterates to CJ that his broccolini was the single worst dish in three years of the competition. Still not buying it. Brian's lobster hash was really terrible. Padma delivers the bad news. CJ. Please pack your knives and go. Aw, crud. He thanks the judges for the experience and the feedback. The other chefs give him warm hugs. Well, they try. He's hard to reach, after all. He has a typically classy final interview, in which he says he's grateful for all the new connections he's made on the show, and how he's looking forward to what's coming next in his career. He'll gladly go out for a beer with Anthony and talk shit about his horrible broccolini. Oh, who needs Anthony? Come here for a beer, CJ! Assuming we can wedge you into my tiny apartment, you and your fake nut would be most welcome.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on Top Chef: Howie tried to prove he's not a completely irredeemable dickhead by sacrificing himself to the bullshit challenge and its attendant appalling judging panel. It worked. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening menu. I wanted to tackle those Cheddar/chive biscuits that entire restaurants are built around. I should have probably taken a closer look at the recipe and halved it before I started, because soon my kitchen was overrun with them, like Tribbles. They weren't bad, though.
Morning at Chef's Manor. 6AM, to be precise. Peaceful "happy animals in the forest" music plays as we get shots of all the chefs sleeping. Into this blissful quiet comes a grinning Padma, who happily screams "Good moooooorning! Rise and shine!" as she rips the covers off of Casey. Yeah, it's going to take a while before I buy any of the judges as likable again. CJ sarcastically interviews about how nice and gentle Padma was. She doesn't rip the covers off of any of the guys, which was probably wise. We can have some surprises under those blankets. She tells them there's a surprise in the other room, and skips out. Dale knows to expect some horrible breakfast challenge. Aw, our chefs have finally learned to be appropriately suspicious. By the way, I completely covet Dale's shirt, which simply reads "SLEAZY". Awesome.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the main room, still in their jammies. A complete challenge has been set up, and I have to wonder how they got that accomplished without waking anybody. Rows of spices, baking staples, and other ingredients line the counter. Padma tells them that their challenge is to make her breakfast in twenty minutes, using a product-placed blender. Saram points out that everyone has to cook in their sleeping clothes, and laughs over how ripped up CJ's are and how Casey's still in her robe. At least they let everyone put a shirt on. Nobody needs a hot oil spatter on their nips. Unless they're into that. Padma gives the word, and everyone scrambles for the food. Naturally, Hung goes into his usual spaz attack the minute the time starts, and as always, I'm torn between annoyance and a sort of admiration for how wholeheartedly he throws himself into these challenges.
Of course, speed without thought has consequences, and this time, it's a bottle of oil that Hung knocks onto the ground, where it shatters. Casey points out that running in a kitchen is not highly recommended, and that now there's oil and glass all over the floor in a room full of chefs in their socks (or in some cases bare feet). Hung interviews that he didn't think he was the one to knock the oil over (a sort of statement you should never make when you know your every move is being videotaped). He offers an insincere apology if he was, in fact, the culprit. Then there's a patched-in quote of him saying he doesn't much care about anyone else, he's just there to cook for himself. I highly doubt this is when he said that; they're just trying to make him sound more hateful. He really doesn't need the help. He raids the fridge, knocking out even more food, then abandoning it on the ground.
Dale tells us he ran a brunch place for a year in Chicago that won an award, but in that case, he had four hours to prep food and a nice, full kitchen. This is twenty minutes, a tiny cutting board, a blender, and a butane burner. Hung interviews that he's always in a hurry (shocker!), so he doesn't eat breakfast often. He sets to work on a steak and egg plate, which is very "traditional". I don't think many people eat steak and eggs for breakfast anymore. They eat it as late night food when they're drunk. Which actually means it's perfect for this challenge, as we all agree that Padma looks hungover as hell. Hung also works on a smoothie with several ingredients, including Grand Marnier. Yep, he knows how to work Padma this morning. Saram also knows her way around Padma's love of booze, directly following that statement up with one about how Padma's into healthy food. Heh. She's making French toast with whole-grain bread. Casey is also making French toast and eggs, and whipping together a salsa as well. She rushes to get something from the counter and almost wipes out on the oil Hung spilled. CJ is working on crepes, which "women love". Um... OK, then. I never really knew crepes were a gender issue, but whatever. Time runs out.
Padma starts off with CJ, who has make a shake out of blueberries, dates, and mascarpone. Quick side note. They've never really defined what criteria a Top Chef possesses, but I'd like to request one. A top chef pronounces the word "mascarpone" correctly. I don't know why supposed professionals insist on giving the r an all-expenses-paid trip to the first syllable, but they need to stop. CJ has also made a berries and cream crepe, with almond flavoring in the whipped cream on top. Padma likes it, which CJ attributes to the awesome power crepes have over women's ovaries or something. Saram presents her "rustic" French toast, which is served with prosciutto, eggs, and a big 'ol slice of grapefruit. Padma happily discovers that there is maple syrup on top. Casey also has French toast and grapefruit, but it looks totally different than Saram's. Her French toast incorporates the chunky salsa she's made, along with some spinach, and a sunny-side up egg. I like runny yolks, but this egg is practically begging for salmonella. Padma asks her if she makes a lot of brunch at home, and Casey almost embarrassedly admits she doesn't cook much at home. It's understandable. I don't examine maize DNA sequence in my free time.
Hung's steak and eggs includes some mushroom, onion, and, as the reliably shitty title department would have you believe, papaya. Hung hasn't actually lost his mind and put papaya on steak. The papaya is in the smoothie, which also incorporates banana, honey, and Grand Marnier. I can't believe people are given real money to produce these titles. Padma tells him she's not a usual fan of steak and eggs, but his dish is very good, and the smoothie is "fantastic". Ah, the power of alcohol. Dale says that since he's from the midwest, savory breakfasts are all about bacon. Preach it, brother! He didn't have access to bacon in this challenge, so he used ham to make a ham, apple, and onion frittata on a mustard hollandaise sauce. Padma tells him it's "very nice". Brian has poached egg with lobster (of course) and butter, and added a saute of red onion, lemon, smoked salmon, olives, and grape tomatoes. Yeesh, that's a lot going on. He's also made a blackberry/raspberry/banana smoothie, which doesn't turn out to be that smooth, as Padma discovers some blackberry seeds.
Time for the results. CJ makes fun of Hung for dropping the oil. Hung looks severely unamused, which is severely amusing. Padma doesn't pick any losers for this challenge. Really, everyone did well (except for Brian, who wasn't awful), and Padma always lets Ptom or the guest judge explain why certain people failed. Perhaps the production doesn't want her to come off as a bad guy, which is weird, when you think of the way they let Ptom carry himself. Anyhoo, the two people who impressed Padma the most were Hung and Saram. The win goes to Hung, in part because he used the blender more than Saram, and you've got to keep those sponsors happy. The chefs applaud him, including himself. Classy. Dale can't seem to decide if Hung won because he got Padma to like steak and eggs or because he plied her with liquor. I know what my money's on. As the winner of the Quickfire, Hung will get an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge (hopefully a better "advantage" than Brian got last week), and also a copy of Padma's new cookbook: How To Put Booze In Everything. OK, that's not the real title, but it's probably a more accurate one.
Before she leaves, Padma tells the chefs that the game is about to change. The chefs look at her like "Yeah? What else is new?". She announces that the show is hitting the road, with the last stop in Aspen for the finale. The chefs will leaving Miami this very afternoon. They break into smiles and applause instantly, because they couldn't be more sick of their living space, no matter how nice it is. Hung comes to claim his cookbook, and Padma also hands him airplane tickets to hand out to everyone else. They all grab one, and agree to open them at the same time. They do, and break into wild cheers when they find out where they're headed. The audience, however, must be kept in suspense through the...
Commercials. I don't know why Miller even bothers advertising here. If I'm going to drink cheap beer, I'm going to drink cheap beer that helps the local economy.
OK, what fabulous destination are the chefs off to? New York! Oh. That's kind of a letdown. I mean, hooray for New York and everything, but every reality show ever usually takes place there. I was thinking it'd be someplace, well, new. CJ is excited to go to New York for the first time, so he can get a slice of pizza. Dude, go to Chicago. They're the ones who know pizza. Dale is looking forward to New York, saying his old goal was to make it to the final six. Now that he's done it, his new goal is to make it to the final four. Everyone packs. Brian pays some lip service to Miami, even though the chefs clearly can't wait to blow town. Everyone's proud of what they accomplished, everyone is excited for the next phase of the competition, and everyone wants to win.
A lovingly product-placed plane takes off, and sails shinily through the clear sky. Not shown? Any of this. The plane lands at Newark, and the chefs strut off the plane, where they're met by Padma. I covet yet another T-shirt, in this case CJ's, which has an upside-down tree on it. Padma tells them that in order to make it to Manhattan, the chefs will need to pass the next Elimination Challenge, which is taking place right here in the Newark airport. Casey emits a heavily sarcastic "very nice" which makes me giggle. The chefs are sent off to some scuzzy local hotel for the evening. CJ's upset that he won't get any pizza. I'm fairly certain the Newark airport can take care of that. When I came home from a month and a half abroad, I bought a hot dog in the Newark airport (served by a remarkably rude woman), and it was like heaven. Yay, American grease! But I digress. The chefs resignedly head out.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs come back to the airport, and walk into a large building near the tarmac, which turns out to house the airline kitchens. Everyone is required to wear plastic coverings on their heads, which looks especially goofy on Padma, who refuses to tuck in her bangs. She introduces the man standing next to her, who belongs to a group that is trying to upgrade airline food's poor image. I'd imagine the recent record-breaking amount of late/cancelled flights, lost luggage, making people sit on runways for hours at a stretch, kicking people off planes for wearing skirts, talking, or speaking their native language, and having passengers enjoy a river of excrement would be more of a concern than overcooked chicken, but what do I know?
The Elimination Challenge for the week is to devise a hot entree that will actually whet passengers' appetites. Of course, it's specified that the meals would be going to first-class passengers, and it's not like they've ever had trouble in the food department. It's those of us back in coach who have had to contend with the pig slop. The mystery man is finally dignified with a name (Gerry McLoughlin), as Padma tells the chefs they'll have two hours to prep and package their food, which will be presented to the judges and a group of "travel experts". Hung's advantage for winning the Quickfire is that he gets first choice of proteins, which nobody else may use. Wait, the Quickfire winner gets an actual edge in a challenge that can actually be completed? Am I watching the right show? Gerry gives them a tour of the facilities, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. The only useful information we get out of it is some common sense (all the food on the plate is heated together, there isn't a lot of packaging space to work with, etc.) and that the food must cook for at least ten minutes. No tuna tartares here! Gerry wishes everyone luck.
The challenge begins, and time starts counting down. Hung steps up to choose his protein, and selects sea-bass (he also says he's going to accent it with some shrimp, but that doesn't seem to count against the other chefs' protein choices). He explains that he chose sea-bass because it's an oily fish, and thus it's difficult to dry out. Sounds reasonable, just as it did before. The other chefs appear to go for their proteins at the same time, so it's a bit chaotic. Dale's strategy is to appeal to as many people as possible, so he goes for peppercorn-crusted filet, which is a "slam dunk". I'll say; I freaking love that stuff. CJ has chosen halibut, and wants to make a kind of succotash pilaf. Brian works on a surf 'n turf of lobster (of course) and New York strip steak. There's a short montage of chefs frantically looking for various kitchen equipment, because they're not psychic enough to know where everything is in a room they've never been in before. CJ beats on a can with a knife, because nobody's been able to locate a can opener. Yeesh. Saram says that burner space is at a premium.
And...in comes Ptom to Ptimewaste. I guess one of the perks of baldness is that he doesn't have to wear a plastic head cover, although based on Ptom's usual clothing choices, it'd probably be a step up. He makes his way through the kitchen, and true to the name, we learn absolutely nothing interesting or essential to the challenge. That's fine; I can pay my credit card bill while I wait for him to shut up. As time begins to wind down, people start boxing up their meals. Brian realizes that CJ has fallen behind, and is unlikely to get things packaged in time. Hung is busy cleaning his knives, and we get an odd segment in which Dale takes him to task (in interview) for not doing CJ's work for him. The other chefs help CJ finish his preparations.
Listen, I'm all for being friendly to your competitors, even as you're trying to best them. Not understanding that is what did Tiffani in. And I'm all for the attitude that you should want to beat your competitors by having a superior product, rather than on some technicality. That said, helping CJ out of a jam that he put himself into is not Hung's responsibility. Sure, it'd be nice if he were kind enough to pitch in, but it's not a character flaw that he didn't. If this were a real life kitchen, in which all the chefs are supposed to be working together, fine. But it's not; it's a zero-sum game. If you and I play Monopoly, know that I love you, but if you land on my hotel, you're handing over the money, bitch.
Commercials. If you don't shop at WalMart, you're a bad mother, and your children will starve.
The chefs walk into a gigantic hangar that houses a large plane. The judges await them at the stairway leading up to the plane's doors. Gail still isn't back (crap!). Taking her place is Anthony Bourdain, who really needs more work to do if he's constantly available to be a backup judge. "You need me to show up and be grouchy? I'll be there in twenty minutes!" I might have to start calling him Anthony Seacrest. This week's guest judge is Jimmy Canora. I guess Gerry wasn't important enough. And rounding out the judges this week is a man who's far too old to be dressing for the Newsies audition he's apparently on his way to. Oh, wait. That's Ptom. He is wearing a leather jacket over a black t-shirt, a backwards newsboy cap, and leather shoes with no socks. No, really. It's like a thrift store fell on top of him, and this is how he emerged from the rubble. Even if he weren't such a shitty judge, would you be able to take criticism from anyone in this getup? Hung recaps the challenge for us. Padma reminds the chefs that they'll be cooking for "travel experts", and these experts unsurprisingly turn out to be a seemingly never-ending line of flight attendants. Once they've all finally boarded the plane, it's time to serve.
Brian and Dale are up first, one in each of the plane's galleys. They each have issues getting the equipment to cooperate with them. CJ helps Brian plate up, and his food is brought out. His strip steak is served with purple potato and a lobster hash. The steaks are enormous. Dale describes them as brontosaurus burgers. Hehe. I can't imagine the diners could eat all of it, and still have room for five other entrees. One woman with an unfortunate speaking voice tells her seatmate that the steaks are really tender and that the portions are very generous. The judges are less pleased, saying that the lobster is overcooked. Casey helps Dale plate up. He serves his peppercorn steak, which has a mushroom sauce and asparagus on top, and leeks on the side. But wait! There's more! He also serves a side dish of shrimp with zucchini and celery. A flight attendant who kind of looks a little like Nnenna loves his presentation. Jimmy thinks the sauce is really rich, and although Anthony likes the aggressive pepper on the steak (as would I), he thinks it's probably a bit too strong for the average person. Two seatmates agree that Dale's was better than Brian's. But not all is well in Daleville. It seems that instead of making eighteen portions, Dale has prepared seventeen. One poor flight attendant is left with an empty tray. Aw. Dale's response to this is a succinct "Oh, fuck".
Up next are Hung and Saram. The magic of television whips us through their cooking time, and CJ comes up to help Saram plate. She says that her vegetables held up well, but isn't too sure about how some of her fish turned out. She serves her seared salmon over leek fondue, which is topped with spinach. Sounds good to me. Her side dish is a spinach and fig couscous. Several flight attendants enjoy the salmon. One woman opines that regular flyers would like it as well. Well, who cares about regular people? Let's go over to Anthony and Ptom, who are bonding over their disdain of the dish. We spend a few seconds on them being their usual ray-of-sunshine selves before catching up with Hung. Casey helps him plate up. He takes out his Chilean sea-bass, which is topped with a tomato sauce, and served with baby squash and onions. Sounds good. It gets good reviews. Even Ptom mutters "pretty good", which translates to Normal Person English as doing a triple backflip and yelling "HOOOOOOOOOORAY!!!!".
Finally, CJ and Casey get ready to serve. Brian helps CJ plate. CJ worries that his vegetable side dish isn't up to par, but feels good otherwise. He takes out his halibut, which is seared and served with toasted farro and mint oil. His side dish is roasted broccolini with breadcrumbs in a vinaigrette. Nothing goes over well with the judges (we don't see how CJ fared with the flight attendants). Anthony drops the word "sickening", but we all know how prone to exaggeration he is, so that probably means "not great". Dale helps Casey plate. She worries that her meat may not have cooked all the way through, and is concerned over her portion size. She takes out her grilled veal medallions with crimini and apple brandy. I had no idea there was a food called crimini. If I didn't dislike mushrooms so much, I'd rush out and buy some now, just so I could enjoy saying the word "crimini" as much as possible. Crimini, crimini, crimini! Casey's side dish is a cauliflower gratin with Gruyere cheese. Ptom gives this one a "very good", so I guess that's like a ninety-nine Roman candle salute. Everyone likes all the food, though Jimmy points out that they don't often serve cauliflower to people stuck on a plane. Heh, no kidding. Padma thanks the flight attendants for "helping [the judges] decide", although I haven't seen any indication that their opinions are taken into account at all. Padma walks back to the coach seats to inform the chefs that she'll see them at Judges' Table. It's a safe bet. Everyone's nervous.
Commercials. We're asked to vote on the "fan favorite". Why not just save a lot of time and effort, and hand over the big toy check to CJ now?
Judges' Table. What a weird color scheme. Is this Newark or the set of Wake Up, San Francisco!? The judges agree that airplane cooking is a tough challenge. Dale's filet was spicy, but otherwise great. However, the fact that he didn't make enough portions is a "huge factor". Brian's steaks varied in doneness, but the real issue was his rubbery, overcooked lobster hash. Hung's sea-bass was a good choice, and well-executed. Both Casey's veal and her cauliflower were very successful, and she showed the qualities of a "chef", rather than a "cook". Again, I'd love for them to sit down one day and explain what they think the differences between those two things are. I'm not the only one who's curious. Saram's salmon had problems, and the couscous even more so. CJ's halibut was nearly overcooked, but the real issue was the broccolini, which the judges really seem to hate with a passion. Back in the other room, the chefs are telling one another that they've had a good ride, and are happy to have met one another. OK, one of you is about to be eliminated from a reality show. Nobody's going to the electric chair. Padma comes back and summons Hung, Casey, and Dale to the table.
The three of them enter the judging room, and Padma tells them they had the three top dishes of the challenge. So much for Dale's portion issue being a "huge factor". They tell him his filet may not have been that creative, but was cooked perfectly. Dale admits to miscounting the amount of food he needed. Hung is asked why he chose sea-bass, and he reiterates the point about the high fat content making sea-bass difficult to overcook. The judges all really liked it. Casey is complimented for both of her dishes. It not only had great flavor, but was very creative as well. Jimmy gets to announce the winner, and for the second consecutive week, it's Casey. Whee! She wins another actual prize: two first-class round trip tickets anywhere in the world. Oh, sweet! Casey says it feels good to be on such a roll. Padma tells the top three that they'll have to send in some of their colleagues. Gee, who could it be? The top three come back, and Casey is congratulated for her win. The bottom three head out to the judges.
Odd Asian music. Gong. Saram is asked how she thinks she did, and she admits that some of the fish portions cooked more than others, and that she should have separated them out better. Ptom gives her a condescending nod, like "of course you should have, you silly little fool". She did like how her leek fondue came out. Anthony tells her that his salmon was overcooked to the point of being cat food. More on this in a second. Padma tells her that the couscous had no flavor, and that she knows Saram is capable of a better couscous. CJ admits his food didn't turn out well, and the judges sneeringly agree. CJ sarcastically thanks them. He talks about his fish for a moment, before the judges tear the broccolini to shreds. It was "horrifying". It shouldn't be served in prison. Blah, blah, blah. Am I missing something? It's broccolini, bread, and some vinaigrette. I can certainly see how it could be unsuccessful. I could even see how it could turn out to be bad. But I simply do not understand how these three things could be combined to make something that disgusting. Brian is asked why he thinks he's here, and he says something about large portions, which doesn't really make sense. Ptom discerns that Brian is surprised to be in the bottom three, and tells him (along with help from Anthony, of course) that his lobster hash was "disgusting".
So... "Cat food." "Horrifying." "Disgusting." "Gross." "Massive hyperbole." Oh, sorry. That last one was me. OK, there have to be winners and losers in the challenge. Fine. And if there's one person who likes to exaggerate to make a point, it's me. But really? Were these three dishes exponentially worse than the other three, or simply not as good? All three of these chefs have won previous challenges. They know their way around food. I just don't see them producing mush that you wouldn't feed to a random stray. All this is conjecture, of course, but maybe it's time to take a weensy step back from the hissyfit ledge, judges. Brian vows that he'll never use lobster again. Oooh, really? He's asked the same question CJ was asked a moment earlier: Is this the dish that sends him home? He duhs (as did CJ) that it is not. Padma dismisses the bottom three, and they come back to the waiting room, describing the panel's criticisms as "brutal".
Deliberations. Brian should have realized his lobster was overcooked. Saram's salmon was poor, and the couscous was terrible. Padma says "Okay..." in a wary tone of voice that suggests she's about to say something in Saram's defense, but of course we cut out before we can hear any of it. CJ's side dish was "beyond help". Ptom calls the broccolini the "single worst thing they've had throughout the entire competition". Oh, come on. I know, it's not like I can taste the food they're eating, but I just don't buy that broccolini was worse than, oh say...Cheeto shitbombs.
Commercials. Yikes, it's official. I have already commented upon every commercial shown during this break. Wow. Let me go make a quick notation in my calendar for tomorrow: Obtain life.
Elimination. Ptom tells the bottom three that by this stage in the competition, they're expecting "first class" food from all the chefs. Shit. I thought we were past the Bad Pun Stage. Saram's salmon was so-so, and the couscous had no business being on the plate. Ptom reiterates to CJ that his broccolini was the single worst dish in three years of the competition. Still not buying it. Brian's lobster hash was really terrible. Padma delivers the bad news. CJ. Please pack your knives and go. Aw, crud. He thanks the judges for the experience and the feedback. The other chefs give him warm hugs. Well, they try. He's hard to reach, after all. He has a typically classy final interview, in which he says he's grateful for all the new connections he's made on the show, and how he's looking forward to what's coming next in his career. He'll gladly go out for a beer with Anthony and talk shit about his horrible broccolini. Oh, who needs Anthony? Come here for a beer, CJ! Assuming we can wedge you into my tiny apartment, you and your fake nut would be most welcome.
Overall Grade: B-
Thursday, May 24, 2007
The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model
America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 12
Previously on America's Next Top Model: In the narrow sense? Dionne failed to live up to Tyra's standards of egotism and megalomania, and got eliminated. In the grand sense? Model stampedes. Prom dresses. Laser beams. Aboriginal dances. Fake boot camp. Photo shoots. Temper tantrums. Getting thrown into a swimming pool. Tonight, one of the girls will be America's Next Top Model -- for all of fifteen minutes before we forget about her and move on to the next batch of wannabes. Tyra may have left that last part off. Will it be Natasha, the Russian "beauty and mom" who started off horrible and...improved? It's hard to type what Tyra says about her because it's all such horseshit. I never noticed Samantha's face upon being eliminated, and it's a really funny "Awww....damn it!" expression. Will it be Jaslene, the Latin "spitfire"? Her pictures have been consistently good, but her energetic personality has "faded away" in front of the judges. Will it be Renee, the "sunny mother" from Hawaii? Sunny mother? Whatever. She takes amazing photos, but aggravated the hell out of her competitors. After solving that problem, the judges decided that she photographs too old. You should probably just assume that every time Renee is on-screen from here on out, someone is saying she looks too old. You'll be right more often than not.
Opening credits. Oh, please not Natasha. Oh, please not Natasha. Oh, please not Natasha.
Opera House -- #30. We launch right into the traditional final three challenge: a beauty shot and commercial for CoverGirl. The girls stream in, and OJ tells them the eventual winner's print ad will appear in a "real" magazine. As opposed to all those fake ones floating around. Renee interviews that she's always wanted to be a CoverGirl, even owning up to an embarrassing memory of her and her sisters practicing the CoverGirl wink. She demonstrates a couple of times, and the editors throw in some sparkles and a "ding!". Hehe. Blah blah product placement crap. For the commercial, Renee will be out on a boat, Jaslene will be at a "red carpet" event, and Natasha will be "backstage at a photo studio". Instead of there being a script, the girls will just be ad libbing. Renee grins, probably thinking about how weak a grasp her two competitors have on English. OJ brings in Jim, who will be photographing the beauty shot. And that's not all he brings in. Sigh. Yes, let's bring in today's coach -- CariDee, who undeservedly won last cycle, and who is burning up the fashion and advertising industries with her high profile modeling gigs. Hahahaha! Just kidding, of course. She advises the girls not to overthink their photos. CariDee couldn't overthink something if her life depended on it. That's the extent of her "coaching" for now, and the girls go in to hair and makeup.
Hair and makeup montage. I think I see Neeko working on Renee's hair. I wouldn't let him near me with a ten-foot curling iron after the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. CariDee tells Renee that the competition is easy, compared to what comes after it. Yes, I imagine that the contractual obligations of one Seventeen cover and a series of ads aimed at pretending she has a legitimate modeling career are so trying. CariDee interviews that she was happy to give the girls such helpful advice. My eyes roll out of my head and into the kitchen. A guy named Brent, who represents CoverGirl, is also hanging around, so the girls are under some added pressure today. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #31) about how nerve-wracking this all is. OJ tells Natasha that while there isn't a script for the ad, there are a few lines that she has to land. I'm not going to go into them; it's just some blather about cosmetics. Natasha writes her own sort of script around the lines. She shoots her ad, and OJ interviews that it sounded like she was reciting a grocery list. He goes and tells her that she needs to have more spontaneity. She nods, visibly thinking "Spon-ta-what-ity?". She gives it another go, and suuuuuuuuuuucks. OJ and Brent disagree, thinking she did much better. Looks like that voodoo spell Natasha's cast on the judges is still holding strong.
Renee practices some "aren't I cute and pretty?" faces in the mirror. She's taken out into the harbor (Opera House -- #32) for her ad. She feels strange having to make up her lines, and starts out talking about how she thought her life was over after she had her baby. Hehe. OJ puts the kibosh on that, saying she should probably stick to talking about things in a more positive light. After that note, she starts doing much better. She sounds relaxed and delivers her prepared lines smoothly, having no trouble incorporating them into her patter. OJ and Brent are blown away. I only counted the Opera House once up there, but it's shown about forty times during this segment. Jaslene steps out onto her dinky red carpet, then gets back into a car for the actual shoot. As with her Australian ad, she furrows her brow a lot, and sounds very stiff when she gives her lines. OJ tells her to give it more energy (more cha-cha-diva, if you will), and she seems to improve after that. OJ and Brent still look disappointed until Jaslene whips out a little Spanish. You can almost see the dollar signs in their eyes. Hooray! Another ethnic group we can trick into spending millions of dollars on useless goo!
Time for the print ad. CariDee "teaches" Natasha some posing tricks to elongate her neck. Ready for the secret? Lift your chin up. Wow, who could have ever cracked that code? Jim starts taking pictures of Natasha, who angles her face around wildly, I guess in order to give a variety of poses to choose from. She begins giggling, and Jim interviews that she has a lot of trouble smiling naturally, so she almost has to laugh in order to get a real smile out. I have it freeze-framed on Natasha smiling right now, and HOW DID SHE GET TO THE FINAL THREE? SHE'S NOT PRETTY. Jaslene is up next. She looks good. She also interviews about the difficulties of holding a smile. She has to work her facial muscles around a bit to keep them from getting tired. Renee. She looks good. Jim interviews as much, but throws in the omnipresent "but" about her looking too old.
Evening. Opera House -- #33. The girls get some Tyra Mail about the upcoming elimination. Renee has no idea how the judging will go, but hopes Natasha won't go through to the runway show, because she walks like "a pigeon-toed duck with a piece of poop hanging out of her ass." Ha! That was awesomely bitchy and awesomely true. Natasha thinks Jaslene may be the one to get eliminated. Jaslene doesn't offer any predictions, knowing how arbitrary the judging is. And how, as we'll see in a moment.
Commercials. I don't understand why, of all products out there, chewing gum is the one with the wackiest-ass commercials.
Opera House -- #34. Chamber of Doom. Tyra welcomes the final three. The judges are introduced. Tonight's guest judges are designers for an Australian clothing company, whose clothing will be modeled by the final two girls in a runway show. Evaluations. First up is Natasha. We see her "best take", and it's going to take some fancy tap dancing to get around the fact that it's execrable. You can barely understand a word she's saying, and the speech. Is halted. In weird places, which. Makes the syntax all wrong. Her prepared lines are hollow. She overacts. Short of her vomiting mid-take, she'd be hard-pressed to do a worse job on this. Let's get to the avalanche of bullshit excuses that the judges put forth to avoid eliminating her! Tyra says that she at least delivered her prepared lines well. BZZT! Liar! Twiggy says that she can't imagine how hard it is for Natasha to ad-lib in English. So what are you going to do, put a little disclaimer at the bottom of her commercials? "Viewer: We know she sucks, but give her a break. English is her second language. Buy our makeup!" Nigel says that she's endearing and lovely, and her imperfections are what make her beautiful. Arrgh. She sucked. Deal with it. I don't remember you all being so kind over Jael's imperfections. Natasha's beauty shot is a nose. Sure, there's a face surrounding that nose, but every time I try to focus on any aspect, from eyebrows to hair, my eyes are drawn back to that big ol' honker. Twiggy doesn't think it's the strongest picture Natasha's ever taken, but Nigel loves it. Bleh.
Jaslene. Her commercial is almost as bad as Natasha's. She's got the same awkward patter and clipped speech, plus that furrowed brow. Tyra tells her that throwing in a bit of Spanish was genius, but her pauses were terrible. Her beauty shot looks quite nice. Plus, her smile shows another side to Jaslene than the usual face she gives in photos, which is just what the judges have been looking for. Tyra somehow magically senses that Jaslene is a little less comfortable being commercial than editorial, and that's something she'll have to work on. Why yes, this is the exact opposite point to the one she pressed with Renee a couple of weeks ago. Nice catch. Renee. The take they show of her commercial is weird, because they don't show any of the bits having to do with the prepared lines. It's just her talking about how happy and excited she is to be in Sydney (Opera House -- #35). She's certainly more relaxed and natural than the other two. Twiggy tells her she caught the excitement of the moment. Tyra likes the humility Renee showed. Nigel says that Renee's eyes were a bit of a problem, because it was so bright outside (plus there were reflectors), he could hardly see them. No, they never offer how that could possibly be Renee's fault, but I suppose she's to bear the burden of a poorly-directed ad. Her beauty shot is very pretty, though her head is tilted at a bit of an awkward angle. I guess she's trying to elongate her neck. Nigel, who I've never actively disliked, is really working my last nerve tonight, as he presses the Renee-looks-old argument. Oh, my God. WE GET IT. You've eliminated ten girls who looked plenty young while keeping Renee around. It's a bit late to be all "This is a dealbreaker!" now. Tyra jumps on the bandwagon, saying that Renee's eyes look a bit puffy and wrinkled, which 1) They don't, and 2) Even if they were, if CoverGirl is so great, why hasn't her being slathered in the stuff concealed that?
The girls are dismissed. Deliberations. Natasha is "the most beautiful of the three". Break the spell! One of the guest judges thinks she may be lacking a bit of natural style needed to be a model. Naturally, Nigel defends her, because he's got some inexplicable hard-on for her. She touches Tyra's heart, and Tyra says if you'll just give her a chance, she'll "do it". Not buying. Jaslene is spectacularly pretty, but her beauty shot doesn't live up to the judges' expectations. They think it looks like one of those mall beauty shots. She does know how to bring a fierce picture, though. Renee. Her commercial was great, and her photo is the best of the three. Still, she's got one foot in the grave, what with her being twenty and all. My, people are able to reach a ripe old twenty? Ah, the wonders of modern medicine! The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. Buy an expensive mobile texting machine so you and your friends can be immature dumbasses in perfect synchronicity.
Opera House -- #36. The girls are called back in. Jaslene is the first to be declared safe. Tyra asks her how it feels to be a finalist, when she didn't even get selected to be in Cycle 7. The answer? "Good. So, so good." Illuminating. Will Renee and Natasha please step forward? Renee is beautiful, and had a great commercial and picture. But Natasha... Natasha... Well, Natasha has pins stuck in all the right places on her judge dolls, so she gets her photo. WHAT THE FUCK EVER. Jaslene's jaw drops. Renee isn't able to keep a flicker of "Huh? How is that even possible?" off of her face. She recovers in time to give Natasha a hug. Tyra piles on the manure about why a girl who isn't pretty and can barely string a sentence together is going to the finals. Renee comes forward for her kiss-off. Tyra tells her to be proud of herself, and that she's fabulous. Renee hugs the girls good-bye on her way out, telling Natasha to "win this for the mamas". Ew, don't do that. She's completely blown away by her elimination, given that she had the best commercial and best picture. It sounds like sour grapes, but she's right. "You did the best, and you're eliminated" is crap. Opera House -- #37. She says she'd rather have wisdom in her eyes, and knowledge in head rather than being blank and stupid. Ha! Nice burn. Her portfolio is very good, and I'm still tinged with some residual surprise that this season's Bitch turned out to be someone I started to root for (not counting Melrose, who wasn't so much a Bitch as a "Bitch"). Ah, well. At least I don't have to dye my hair green. Back to the Future fadeout.
The next day. Jaslene and Natasha walk into a building, and are met by Carissa Rosenberg, who really needs more work to do around the Seventeen offices. The girls are there to shoot the cover that the eventual winner will have published. Hair and makeup. Jaslene interviews that she was surprised Natasha beat out Renee, saying if Natasha wins the competition, Jaslene will pull out all of her hair. I'll hold her down for you. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #38) that... Let me see if I've got this down correctly. Winning will make her happy, and her baby wouldn't want an unhappy woman raising her. Therefore, we should just hand over the title to her now? Is that what she's saying? Arrrrgh! Why do so many people like this woman? There isn't much to say about the shoot, except the clothing and accessories (including some fake bling that reads "TOP", "MODEL", and "ANTM") are laughably ugly. Jaslene tears up as she says that her family would be proud of her making it this far. That's a wrap!
When the girls come back to the pad, Tyra is there to shove in some last minute Diet Oprah. Natasha freaks out when she sees Tyra, because it's not like she sees Tyra every twenty minutes or so. This is what truly sucks about Natasha making it to the final two. Not only do I now have to spend the next half hour worried that she'll win, but with only one other girl to focus on, she's always on-screen, annoying me. Tyra asks about her life in Russia. Natasha peddles a Little Matchstick Girl story about being in Moscow with nothing to her name. Tyra asks if she worries about resentment from the other girls about a Russian winning America's Next Top Model. Natasha says (and I agree) that she never got that sense from the other girls, because everyone pretty much takes for granted that America is a big melting pot, George Bush's immigration policies aside. Tyra advises her to relax her neck and face, and she'll be fine. Jaslene manages to greet Tyra without acting like she's meeting the Queen of England. Tyra asks her what she was thinking about when she wasn't picked for Cycle 7. Jaslene says she was wondering what she did wrong, then went to therapy to build her character and to learn to love herself. Thanks for sharing. Jaslene tells Tyra that this is her second chance, and that it has been a life-changing experience (a wise choice of words -- Tyra eats that shit up). She thanks Tyra for the opportunity, and Tyra gives her a hug before telling her she'll see her on the runway.
Opera House -- #39. The fashion show runway is constructed. The girls battle their way through a curtain to meet OJ. The curtain puts up a pretty good fight. Jaslene sees the runway, and is a little nervous, because as she interviews, it's not a flat line. It curves around, and it looks like there's a bit of an incline as well. Miss J demonstrates a quick walk, and OJ tells them the theme of the runway show is "evolution". They probably bleeped that out when they aired this in Kansas. CariDee, in her last bid for us to remember her past tonight (ain't gonna happen) will be leading off the show. The Jays tell the girls that on their first runway pass, they should hunch over, and generally look like cavewomen. I never would have thought cave-people would be having such a cultural renaissance this year, but jeez. They're everywhere! As the runway show progresses, the girls are free to straighten up and show the audience just how far humanity has come since Cro-Magnon days. I doubt cavewomen ever worried about bulimia. Miss J reminds them that this is the final challenge. Natasha's face splits into a "rock and roll!" expression that unhappily reminds me of Megg.
Suddenly, it's time for the show. Models get made up. Jaslene interviews that she won't let any strategy of Natasha's get to her. That current strategy seems to be warning Jaslene against falling on her ass out on the runway. Natasha interviews that the difference between Jaslene and herself is that Jaslene is more fierce, while Natasha is more exciting and fun. I object on both of those counts. Jaslene gears herself up, as does a certain building that will be visible in the background. Opera House -- #40. Tyra comes backstage, wearing a dress you last saw Great Aunt Bernice wear to Cousin Frederick's wake. She gives the girls some quick advice. Jaslene, don't act like a drag queen. Natasha, don't be stiff. See, it's tips like that that'll make these girls marketable models in no time! She gives them a double high-five, and leaves. The girls line up. Since this isn't Project Runway, I don't have to go into detail about the clothes, thank goodness. Especially since they're ugly. Even though the show was ostensibly supposed to be about the designers, it's Tyra who greets the audience, so this isn't so much a fashion show as a "fashion show". OJ gets ready to start the show. The girls look like they're about to hurl.
Commercials. Oh, yay. Another movie in which Robin Williams spazzes for two hours.
Opera House -- #41. The girls get ready. Jaslene interviews that she had an adrenaline rush over a shot of her looking like she's got anything but. The audience applauds as the lights go down. The show begins. CariDee hams it up in cavewoman mode. Jaslene and Natasha head out. Jaslene is more deliberate in her cavewoman walk, while Natasha whips around, perhaps as if to say "Watch out! Here comes a wooly mammoth!". The dramatic music helps disguise how boring the show actually is. Tyra leans over to Nigel and tells him Natasha is working it. "It" presumably being my last nerve. Opera House -- #42. The first pass now over, the girls are free to Model Stomp to their hearts' content. The Opera House, knowing that this is its last chance to be seen, throws itself into several of the shots. Opera House -- #43. Various girls walk in their ugly clothes. Natasha emerges. She interviews that she was focusing on her walk, but that her skirt was coming off. And come off it does. She doesn't even attempt to make a grab for it, but just lets it slide down, steps out of it, and keeps on walking. To her credit, she handles the situation very gracefully. Jaslene walks the runway. She voices-over that the experience was "surreal". Opera House -- #44-46.
It's Natasha's turn to go out, but her outfit isn't on yet, so OJ sends some random girl. When she finally goes, she voices-over that she was better than anyone else on the runway, but doesn't need to "yell and scream" about it. Well, sure. Soft-spoken arrogance is so much more attractive. Jaslene walks. She voices-over that she brings a "fierceness" to the runway that Natasha does not. Finale. All the girls walk. I cannot fathom a reason that "The 1812 Overture" should be playing in the background, but it is. The girls strike a final pose on some ladders. The clothing designers are seen for all of two seconds. Backstage, OJ pretends that it was an exciting show. Tyra comes back to congratulate the girls. Both of them think they can win. Natasha says she'll be a role model to millions of girls (*shiver*). Jaslene says she's not the girl next door, she's the girl "down the block, in your 'hood." Er. All right, then.
Opera House -- #47. Chamber of Doom. The girls enter, clutching hands. Something extremely weird is going on with Natasha's makeup. Prizes. Judges. OJ is joining the panel tonight. My fingers start to tense, as the dread of a possible Natasha victory comes to a head. She has the first individual evaluation. The judges love how she did on the runway, and how poised she was about the "craziness" backstage and the skirt snafu. Nigel says that while he loved her initial intensity, she started to lose it as the show went on. Shot of Natasha strutting in the finale, looking very bored. Jaslene's entrance is likened to the girls in the opening of a James Bond movie, though we never hear if that's good or bad in the judges' estimation. They think Jaslene didn't start very strong, but her performance built as the show went on. So essentially, Natasha was better at the beginning, and Jaslene was better at the end.
Now it's time to compare some of the photos the girls have taken over the season. Political stances. Advantage: Jaslene. Twiggy thinks it's one of Jaslene's best out of the whole season, while OJ says that he's surprised Natasha even made the cut that week. It's not that bad. Oh, here's one that is that bad. Back to School. Advantage: Jaslene. Natasha had no business surviving past this week. That photo of her is awful. Nigel defends her, of course, because her "desire to learn" is somehow an excuse for taking shitty pictures. Drag kings. Advantage: Natasha. The judges have no issue with either picture, but recall how fun Natasha was on the set that day. Because people reading magazines at home care about how fun the photo shoot was when they read an ad for mascara. Madonna vs. Whore photo. Twiggy prefers Natasha's whore photo. Nigel and Miss J prefer Jaslene's. In the madonna photo, Tyra recalls that Jaslene wasn't as fiery that day. Not that that has the slightest to do with the photograph, which is what they're supposed to be focusing on right now. Miss J likes Jaslene's arched feet. Nigel loves Natasha's madonna shot.
Tyra asks if there's anything they'd like to say before deliberations. Natasha is thankful for the opportunity. She says in Russian: "I'm happy that girls with accents made it to the final round". Jaslene calls it a life-changing experience, saying the judges have made her feel proud of herself. Not to be outdone in the foreign language department, she says in Spanish: "Thank you for this opportunity". The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. Guy on the street: "I don't just listen to music. I am music." Good, then I can fast-forward you.
Opera House -- #48. Deliberations. The judges love Natasha's face and personality, and Nigel likes how able she is to learn and improve. My heart seizes a little bit. Nigel likes Jaslene's pictures, but says she hasn't really improved over the course of the season. A historic moment happens, as OJ saves the day. He says Jaslene hasn't needed to improve like Natasha, because she came in with more natural ability. He points out that they've calmed the screaming, plastic-earring-wearing spaz Jaslene was when she tried out last season, and now she's far more sophisticated. Twiggy thinks Jaslene has taken some of the best pictures of the competition, though the judges aren't sure if she can be a commercial model. I'm not going into that crap again. Nigel thinks Jaslene did better on the runway. Tyra thinks Natasha did better on the runway. Miss J says that Natasha fizzled over the course of the show. Tyra says she loves them both, and doesn't know what the hell to do. The judges reach a decision.
The girls are called back in. Tyra tells them it was a long deliberation, and that they're both very strong, in part because of their ties to other cultures. They have big hearts. They have big souls. Blah, blah, blah. Get to the point! Tyra says that in the end, one of the girls was stronger, and will make all of the judges proud. I clutch LabRat's arm. America's. Next. Top. Model. Is...
Jaslene! Oh, thank the freaking heavens above. I immediately feel forty pounds lighter. Jaslene breaks down into tears, and hugs Natasha, then Tyra. Natasha comes forward for her good-bye hug. In her final interview, she says that it was an experience, and that she's happy to go home and see her family. I'm happy for you too, Natasha. Mostly about the "going home" part. Jaslene celebrates some more. She says her family believed in her dream. We see cute baby pictures of her. She says she didn't make it the first time she tried, but that all young women can still make it if they have drive and passion. She tells us she's the new Top Model in both English and Spanish (called it!), and screams in excitement. Final Back to the Future fadeout of all the girls except her. Whee!
Season post-mortem. Apparently, this has not been a very popular cycle. I've been reading a lot of blogs and articles that think this batch of girls was horrifically boring. I have to disagree. I think this was the best season in a while. I mean, it's all comparative, naturally. I won't be settling in with my grandkids on a snowy night in front of the fire to tell the tale of Jaslene's Great Victory or anything. But I feel like this season was far better than the bore of Cycle 6 or the bullshit of Cycle 7. The season's Bitch was refreshingly pretty and talented, even pulling off a rare redemption. The photo shoots were fairly creative; I really liked that crime scene photo one. The girls were mostly entertaining. The winner doesn't want to make me throw bricks at her every time she appears on-screen. All in all, thumbs up. I just wish I could have seen a shot or two of the Sydney Opera House. I feel deprived.
Overall Grade: B
Overall Season Grade: A-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: In the narrow sense? Dionne failed to live up to Tyra's standards of egotism and megalomania, and got eliminated. In the grand sense? Model stampedes. Prom dresses. Laser beams. Aboriginal dances. Fake boot camp. Photo shoots. Temper tantrums. Getting thrown into a swimming pool. Tonight, one of the girls will be America's Next Top Model -- for all of fifteen minutes before we forget about her and move on to the next batch of wannabes. Tyra may have left that last part off. Will it be Natasha, the Russian "beauty and mom" who started off horrible and...improved? It's hard to type what Tyra says about her because it's all such horseshit. I never noticed Samantha's face upon being eliminated, and it's a really funny "Awww....damn it!" expression. Will it be Jaslene, the Latin "spitfire"? Her pictures have been consistently good, but her energetic personality has "faded away" in front of the judges. Will it be Renee, the "sunny mother" from Hawaii? Sunny mother? Whatever. She takes amazing photos, but aggravated the hell out of her competitors. After solving that problem, the judges decided that she photographs too old. You should probably just assume that every time Renee is on-screen from here on out, someone is saying she looks too old. You'll be right more often than not.
Opening credits. Oh, please not Natasha. Oh, please not Natasha. Oh, please not Natasha.
Opera House -- #30. We launch right into the traditional final three challenge: a beauty shot and commercial for CoverGirl. The girls stream in, and OJ tells them the eventual winner's print ad will appear in a "real" magazine. As opposed to all those fake ones floating around. Renee interviews that she's always wanted to be a CoverGirl, even owning up to an embarrassing memory of her and her sisters practicing the CoverGirl wink. She demonstrates a couple of times, and the editors throw in some sparkles and a "ding!". Hehe. Blah blah product placement crap. For the commercial, Renee will be out on a boat, Jaslene will be at a "red carpet" event, and Natasha will be "backstage at a photo studio". Instead of there being a script, the girls will just be ad libbing. Renee grins, probably thinking about how weak a grasp her two competitors have on English. OJ brings in Jim, who will be photographing the beauty shot. And that's not all he brings in. Sigh. Yes, let's bring in today's coach -- CariDee, who undeservedly won last cycle, and who is burning up the fashion and advertising industries with her high profile modeling gigs. Hahahaha! Just kidding, of course. She advises the girls not to overthink their photos. CariDee couldn't overthink something if her life depended on it. That's the extent of her "coaching" for now, and the girls go in to hair and makeup.
Hair and makeup montage. I think I see Neeko working on Renee's hair. I wouldn't let him near me with a ten-foot curling iron after the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. CariDee tells Renee that the competition is easy, compared to what comes after it. Yes, I imagine that the contractual obligations of one Seventeen cover and a series of ads aimed at pretending she has a legitimate modeling career are so trying. CariDee interviews that she was happy to give the girls such helpful advice. My eyes roll out of my head and into the kitchen. A guy named Brent, who represents CoverGirl, is also hanging around, so the girls are under some added pressure today. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #31) about how nerve-wracking this all is. OJ tells Natasha that while there isn't a script for the ad, there are a few lines that she has to land. I'm not going to go into them; it's just some blather about cosmetics. Natasha writes her own sort of script around the lines. She shoots her ad, and OJ interviews that it sounded like she was reciting a grocery list. He goes and tells her that she needs to have more spontaneity. She nods, visibly thinking "Spon-ta-what-ity?". She gives it another go, and suuuuuuuuuuucks. OJ and Brent disagree, thinking she did much better. Looks like that voodoo spell Natasha's cast on the judges is still holding strong.
Renee practices some "aren't I cute and pretty?" faces in the mirror. She's taken out into the harbor (Opera House -- #32) for her ad. She feels strange having to make up her lines, and starts out talking about how she thought her life was over after she had her baby. Hehe. OJ puts the kibosh on that, saying she should probably stick to talking about things in a more positive light. After that note, she starts doing much better. She sounds relaxed and delivers her prepared lines smoothly, having no trouble incorporating them into her patter. OJ and Brent are blown away. I only counted the Opera House once up there, but it's shown about forty times during this segment. Jaslene steps out onto her dinky red carpet, then gets back into a car for the actual shoot. As with her Australian ad, she furrows her brow a lot, and sounds very stiff when she gives her lines. OJ tells her to give it more energy (more cha-cha-diva, if you will), and she seems to improve after that. OJ and Brent still look disappointed until Jaslene whips out a little Spanish. You can almost see the dollar signs in their eyes. Hooray! Another ethnic group we can trick into spending millions of dollars on useless goo!
Time for the print ad. CariDee "teaches" Natasha some posing tricks to elongate her neck. Ready for the secret? Lift your chin up. Wow, who could have ever cracked that code? Jim starts taking pictures of Natasha, who angles her face around wildly, I guess in order to give a variety of poses to choose from. She begins giggling, and Jim interviews that she has a lot of trouble smiling naturally, so she almost has to laugh in order to get a real smile out. I have it freeze-framed on Natasha smiling right now, and HOW DID SHE GET TO THE FINAL THREE? SHE'S NOT PRETTY. Jaslene is up next. She looks good. She also interviews about the difficulties of holding a smile. She has to work her facial muscles around a bit to keep them from getting tired. Renee. She looks good. Jim interviews as much, but throws in the omnipresent "but" about her looking too old.
Evening. Opera House -- #33. The girls get some Tyra Mail about the upcoming elimination. Renee has no idea how the judging will go, but hopes Natasha won't go through to the runway show, because she walks like "a pigeon-toed duck with a piece of poop hanging out of her ass." Ha! That was awesomely bitchy and awesomely true. Natasha thinks Jaslene may be the one to get eliminated. Jaslene doesn't offer any predictions, knowing how arbitrary the judging is. And how, as we'll see in a moment.
Commercials. I don't understand why, of all products out there, chewing gum is the one with the wackiest-ass commercials.
Opera House -- #34. Chamber of Doom. Tyra welcomes the final three. The judges are introduced. Tonight's guest judges are designers for an Australian clothing company, whose clothing will be modeled by the final two girls in a runway show. Evaluations. First up is Natasha. We see her "best take", and it's going to take some fancy tap dancing to get around the fact that it's execrable. You can barely understand a word she's saying, and the speech. Is halted. In weird places, which. Makes the syntax all wrong. Her prepared lines are hollow. She overacts. Short of her vomiting mid-take, she'd be hard-pressed to do a worse job on this. Let's get to the avalanche of bullshit excuses that the judges put forth to avoid eliminating her! Tyra says that she at least delivered her prepared lines well. BZZT! Liar! Twiggy says that she can't imagine how hard it is for Natasha to ad-lib in English. So what are you going to do, put a little disclaimer at the bottom of her commercials? "Viewer: We know she sucks, but give her a break. English is her second language. Buy our makeup!" Nigel says that she's endearing and lovely, and her imperfections are what make her beautiful. Arrgh. She sucked. Deal with it. I don't remember you all being so kind over Jael's imperfections. Natasha's beauty shot is a nose. Sure, there's a face surrounding that nose, but every time I try to focus on any aspect, from eyebrows to hair, my eyes are drawn back to that big ol' honker. Twiggy doesn't think it's the strongest picture Natasha's ever taken, but Nigel loves it. Bleh.
Jaslene. Her commercial is almost as bad as Natasha's. She's got the same awkward patter and clipped speech, plus that furrowed brow. Tyra tells her that throwing in a bit of Spanish was genius, but her pauses were terrible. Her beauty shot looks quite nice. Plus, her smile shows another side to Jaslene than the usual face she gives in photos, which is just what the judges have been looking for. Tyra somehow magically senses that Jaslene is a little less comfortable being commercial than editorial, and that's something she'll have to work on. Why yes, this is the exact opposite point to the one she pressed with Renee a couple of weeks ago. Nice catch. Renee. The take they show of her commercial is weird, because they don't show any of the bits having to do with the prepared lines. It's just her talking about how happy and excited she is to be in Sydney (Opera House -- #35). She's certainly more relaxed and natural than the other two. Twiggy tells her she caught the excitement of the moment. Tyra likes the humility Renee showed. Nigel says that Renee's eyes were a bit of a problem, because it was so bright outside (plus there were reflectors), he could hardly see them. No, they never offer how that could possibly be Renee's fault, but I suppose she's to bear the burden of a poorly-directed ad. Her beauty shot is very pretty, though her head is tilted at a bit of an awkward angle. I guess she's trying to elongate her neck. Nigel, who I've never actively disliked, is really working my last nerve tonight, as he presses the Renee-looks-old argument. Oh, my God. WE GET IT. You've eliminated ten girls who looked plenty young while keeping Renee around. It's a bit late to be all "This is a dealbreaker!" now. Tyra jumps on the bandwagon, saying that Renee's eyes look a bit puffy and wrinkled, which 1) They don't, and 2) Even if they were, if CoverGirl is so great, why hasn't her being slathered in the stuff concealed that?
The girls are dismissed. Deliberations. Natasha is "the most beautiful of the three". Break the spell! One of the guest judges thinks she may be lacking a bit of natural style needed to be a model. Naturally, Nigel defends her, because he's got some inexplicable hard-on for her. She touches Tyra's heart, and Tyra says if you'll just give her a chance, she'll "do it". Not buying. Jaslene is spectacularly pretty, but her beauty shot doesn't live up to the judges' expectations. They think it looks like one of those mall beauty shots. She does know how to bring a fierce picture, though. Renee. Her commercial was great, and her photo is the best of the three. Still, she's got one foot in the grave, what with her being twenty and all. My, people are able to reach a ripe old twenty? Ah, the wonders of modern medicine! The judges reach a decision.
Commercials. Buy an expensive mobile texting machine so you and your friends can be immature dumbasses in perfect synchronicity.
Opera House -- #36. The girls are called back in. Jaslene is the first to be declared safe. Tyra asks her how it feels to be a finalist, when she didn't even get selected to be in Cycle 7. The answer? "Good. So, so good." Illuminating. Will Renee and Natasha please step forward? Renee is beautiful, and had a great commercial and picture. But Natasha... Natasha... Well, Natasha has pins stuck in all the right places on her judge dolls, so she gets her photo. WHAT THE FUCK EVER. Jaslene's jaw drops. Renee isn't able to keep a flicker of "Huh? How is that even possible?" off of her face. She recovers in time to give Natasha a hug. Tyra piles on the manure about why a girl who isn't pretty and can barely string a sentence together is going to the finals. Renee comes forward for her kiss-off. Tyra tells her to be proud of herself, and that she's fabulous. Renee hugs the girls good-bye on her way out, telling Natasha to "win this for the mamas". Ew, don't do that. She's completely blown away by her elimination, given that she had the best commercial and best picture. It sounds like sour grapes, but she's right. "You did the best, and you're eliminated" is crap. Opera House -- #37. She says she'd rather have wisdom in her eyes, and knowledge in head rather than being blank and stupid. Ha! Nice burn. Her portfolio is very good, and I'm still tinged with some residual surprise that this season's Bitch turned out to be someone I started to root for (not counting Melrose, who wasn't so much a Bitch as a "Bitch"). Ah, well. At least I don't have to dye my hair green. Back to the Future fadeout.
The next day. Jaslene and Natasha walk into a building, and are met by Carissa Rosenberg, who really needs more work to do around the Seventeen offices. The girls are there to shoot the cover that the eventual winner will have published. Hair and makeup. Jaslene interviews that she was surprised Natasha beat out Renee, saying if Natasha wins the competition, Jaslene will pull out all of her hair. I'll hold her down for you. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #38) that... Let me see if I've got this down correctly. Winning will make her happy, and her baby wouldn't want an unhappy woman raising her. Therefore, we should just hand over the title to her now? Is that what she's saying? Arrrrgh! Why do so many people like this woman? There isn't much to say about the shoot, except the clothing and accessories (including some fake bling that reads "TOP", "MODEL", and "ANTM") are laughably ugly. Jaslene tears up as she says that her family would be proud of her making it this far. That's a wrap!
When the girls come back to the pad, Tyra is there to shove in some last minute Diet Oprah. Natasha freaks out when she sees Tyra, because it's not like she sees Tyra every twenty minutes or so. This is what truly sucks about Natasha making it to the final two. Not only do I now have to spend the next half hour worried that she'll win, but with only one other girl to focus on, she's always on-screen, annoying me. Tyra asks about her life in Russia. Natasha peddles a Little Matchstick Girl story about being in Moscow with nothing to her name. Tyra asks if she worries about resentment from the other girls about a Russian winning America's Next Top Model. Natasha says (and I agree) that she never got that sense from the other girls, because everyone pretty much takes for granted that America is a big melting pot, George Bush's immigration policies aside. Tyra advises her to relax her neck and face, and she'll be fine. Jaslene manages to greet Tyra without acting like she's meeting the Queen of England. Tyra asks her what she was thinking about when she wasn't picked for Cycle 7. Jaslene says she was wondering what she did wrong, then went to therapy to build her character and to learn to love herself. Thanks for sharing. Jaslene tells Tyra that this is her second chance, and that it has been a life-changing experience (a wise choice of words -- Tyra eats that shit up). She thanks Tyra for the opportunity, and Tyra gives her a hug before telling her she'll see her on the runway.
Opera House -- #39. The fashion show runway is constructed. The girls battle their way through a curtain to meet OJ. The curtain puts up a pretty good fight. Jaslene sees the runway, and is a little nervous, because as she interviews, it's not a flat line. It curves around, and it looks like there's a bit of an incline as well. Miss J demonstrates a quick walk, and OJ tells them the theme of the runway show is "evolution". They probably bleeped that out when they aired this in Kansas. CariDee, in her last bid for us to remember her past tonight (ain't gonna happen) will be leading off the show. The Jays tell the girls that on their first runway pass, they should hunch over, and generally look like cavewomen. I never would have thought cave-people would be having such a cultural renaissance this year, but jeez. They're everywhere! As the runway show progresses, the girls are free to straighten up and show the audience just how far humanity has come since Cro-Magnon days. I doubt cavewomen ever worried about bulimia. Miss J reminds them that this is the final challenge. Natasha's face splits into a "rock and roll!" expression that unhappily reminds me of Megg.
Suddenly, it's time for the show. Models get made up. Jaslene interviews that she won't let any strategy of Natasha's get to her. That current strategy seems to be warning Jaslene against falling on her ass out on the runway. Natasha interviews that the difference between Jaslene and herself is that Jaslene is more fierce, while Natasha is more exciting and fun. I object on both of those counts. Jaslene gears herself up, as does a certain building that will be visible in the background. Opera House -- #40. Tyra comes backstage, wearing a dress you last saw Great Aunt Bernice wear to Cousin Frederick's wake. She gives the girls some quick advice. Jaslene, don't act like a drag queen. Natasha, don't be stiff. See, it's tips like that that'll make these girls marketable models in no time! She gives them a double high-five, and leaves. The girls line up. Since this isn't Project Runway, I don't have to go into detail about the clothes, thank goodness. Especially since they're ugly. Even though the show was ostensibly supposed to be about the designers, it's Tyra who greets the audience, so this isn't so much a fashion show as a "fashion show". OJ gets ready to start the show. The girls look like they're about to hurl.
Commercials. Oh, yay. Another movie in which Robin Williams spazzes for two hours.
Opera House -- #41. The girls get ready. Jaslene interviews that she had an adrenaline rush over a shot of her looking like she's got anything but. The audience applauds as the lights go down. The show begins. CariDee hams it up in cavewoman mode. Jaslene and Natasha head out. Jaslene is more deliberate in her cavewoman walk, while Natasha whips around, perhaps as if to say "Watch out! Here comes a wooly mammoth!". The dramatic music helps disguise how boring the show actually is. Tyra leans over to Nigel and tells him Natasha is working it. "It" presumably being my last nerve. Opera House -- #42. The first pass now over, the girls are free to Model Stomp to their hearts' content. The Opera House, knowing that this is its last chance to be seen, throws itself into several of the shots. Opera House -- #43. Various girls walk in their ugly clothes. Natasha emerges. She interviews that she was focusing on her walk, but that her skirt was coming off. And come off it does. She doesn't even attempt to make a grab for it, but just lets it slide down, steps out of it, and keeps on walking. To her credit, she handles the situation very gracefully. Jaslene walks the runway. She voices-over that the experience was "surreal". Opera House -- #44-46.
It's Natasha's turn to go out, but her outfit isn't on yet, so OJ sends some random girl. When she finally goes, she voices-over that she was better than anyone else on the runway, but doesn't need to "yell and scream" about it. Well, sure. Soft-spoken arrogance is so much more attractive. Jaslene walks. She voices-over that she brings a "fierceness" to the runway that Natasha does not. Finale. All the girls walk. I cannot fathom a reason that "The 1812 Overture" should be playing in the background, but it is. The girls strike a final pose on some ladders. The clothing designers are seen for all of two seconds. Backstage, OJ pretends that it was an exciting show. Tyra comes back to congratulate the girls. Both of them think they can win. Natasha says she'll be a role model to millions of girls (*shiver*). Jaslene says she's not the girl next door, she's the girl "down the block, in your 'hood." Er. All right, then.
Opera House -- #47. Chamber of Doom. The girls enter, clutching hands. Something extremely weird is going on with Natasha's makeup. Prizes. Judges. OJ is joining the panel tonight. My fingers start to tense, as the dread of a possible Natasha victory comes to a head. She has the first individual evaluation. The judges love how she did on the runway, and how poised she was about the "craziness" backstage and the skirt snafu. Nigel says that while he loved her initial intensity, she started to lose it as the show went on. Shot of Natasha strutting in the finale, looking very bored. Jaslene's entrance is likened to the girls in the opening of a James Bond movie, though we never hear if that's good or bad in the judges' estimation. They think Jaslene didn't start very strong, but her performance built as the show went on. So essentially, Natasha was better at the beginning, and Jaslene was better at the end.
Now it's time to compare some of the photos the girls have taken over the season. Political stances. Advantage: Jaslene. Twiggy thinks it's one of Jaslene's best out of the whole season, while OJ says that he's surprised Natasha even made the cut that week. It's not that bad. Oh, here's one that is that bad. Back to School. Advantage: Jaslene. Natasha had no business surviving past this week. That photo of her is awful. Nigel defends her, of course, because her "desire to learn" is somehow an excuse for taking shitty pictures. Drag kings. Advantage: Natasha. The judges have no issue with either picture, but recall how fun Natasha was on the set that day. Because people reading magazines at home care about how fun the photo shoot was when they read an ad for mascara. Madonna vs. Whore photo. Twiggy prefers Natasha's whore photo. Nigel and Miss J prefer Jaslene's. In the madonna photo, Tyra recalls that Jaslene wasn't as fiery that day. Not that that has the slightest to do with the photograph, which is what they're supposed to be focusing on right now. Miss J likes Jaslene's arched feet. Nigel loves Natasha's madonna shot.
Tyra asks if there's anything they'd like to say before deliberations. Natasha is thankful for the opportunity. She says in Russian: "I'm happy that girls with accents made it to the final round". Jaslene calls it a life-changing experience, saying the judges have made her feel proud of herself. Not to be outdone in the foreign language department, she says in Spanish: "Thank you for this opportunity". The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. Guy on the street: "I don't just listen to music. I am music." Good, then I can fast-forward you.
Opera House -- #48. Deliberations. The judges love Natasha's face and personality, and Nigel likes how able she is to learn and improve. My heart seizes a little bit. Nigel likes Jaslene's pictures, but says she hasn't really improved over the course of the season. A historic moment happens, as OJ saves the day. He says Jaslene hasn't needed to improve like Natasha, because she came in with more natural ability. He points out that they've calmed the screaming, plastic-earring-wearing spaz Jaslene was when she tried out last season, and now she's far more sophisticated. Twiggy thinks Jaslene has taken some of the best pictures of the competition, though the judges aren't sure if she can be a commercial model. I'm not going into that crap again. Nigel thinks Jaslene did better on the runway. Tyra thinks Natasha did better on the runway. Miss J says that Natasha fizzled over the course of the show. Tyra says she loves them both, and doesn't know what the hell to do. The judges reach a decision.
The girls are called back in. Tyra tells them it was a long deliberation, and that they're both very strong, in part because of their ties to other cultures. They have big hearts. They have big souls. Blah, blah, blah. Get to the point! Tyra says that in the end, one of the girls was stronger, and will make all of the judges proud. I clutch LabRat's arm. America's. Next. Top. Model. Is...
Jaslene! Oh, thank the freaking heavens above. I immediately feel forty pounds lighter. Jaslene breaks down into tears, and hugs Natasha, then Tyra. Natasha comes forward for her good-bye hug. In her final interview, she says that it was an experience, and that she's happy to go home and see her family. I'm happy for you too, Natasha. Mostly about the "going home" part. Jaslene celebrates some more. She says her family believed in her dream. We see cute baby pictures of her. She says she didn't make it the first time she tried, but that all young women can still make it if they have drive and passion. She tells us she's the new Top Model in both English and Spanish (called it!), and screams in excitement. Final Back to the Future fadeout of all the girls except her. Whee!
Season post-mortem. Apparently, this has not been a very popular cycle. I've been reading a lot of blogs and articles that think this batch of girls was horrifically boring. I have to disagree. I think this was the best season in a while. I mean, it's all comparative, naturally. I won't be settling in with my grandkids on a snowy night in front of the fire to tell the tale of Jaslene's Great Victory or anything. But I feel like this season was far better than the bore of Cycle 6 or the bullshit of Cycle 7. The season's Bitch was refreshingly pretty and talented, even pulling off a rare redemption. The photo shoots were fairly creative; I really liked that crime scene photo one. The girls were mostly entertaining. The winner doesn't want to make me throw bricks at her every time she appears on-screen. All in all, thumbs up. I just wish I could have seen a shot or two of the Sydney Opera House. I feel deprived.
Overall Grade: B
Overall Season Grade: A-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)