Seventh Inning Retch

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: Enough intrigue and espionage to keep Harriet M. Welsch happy for a long time. Frozen puff pastry continued its reign as some sort of Harry Potterish cursed object, nearly bringing Angelo down. Tiffany swept the challenges, while Alex kept a stiff upper lip on his way out the door. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. It was the Week of Rapidly Disintegrating Ingredients in our apartment, so I made some banana bread before the scent of overripe fruit could completely take over, and LabRat yanked some of the final tomatoes from the garden to make salsa. Both were well-received, though nothing could compete with the summer sausage Timiffany laid out. That was one tasty pig. Hop on board for Drinking Game Rule #11: Take a drink for every horrible wordplay phrase or pun that Ptom utters. Including the one revisited in the "Previously on" segment. DRINK!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Angelo is hitting all the usual stops of people trying to encourage success without doing the heavy lifting. We zoom through mantras, prayer, and motivational speeches. Not to say that Angelo doesn't put the work in. I just think it would take less time to examine your choices and try to avoid poor decisions, rather than set up a shrine to Mario Batali in your closet. The only other thing you need to know? Ed prancing around the house wearing Tiffany's dress. The shocking thing is that it fits pretty darn well.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and this week's guest judge, Rick Moonen. He's familiar to us as a Top Chef: Masters contestant, and nobody at the viewing party likes him. How's that for a quick bio? Padma must have traveled through time to hear me whining about how bad the cliches and puns are on this show, and starts spewing food idioms one after the other just to twist the knife. Or maybe those food idioms are the basis for this week's challenge. Whichever. The chefs will each select a saying that incorporates food and cook a dish using that very food. Meh. In essence, all the challenge is asking is: "Pick an ingredient. Make a dish with it." The idioms have little to do with the actual cooking. What does have an effect is that the winning dish will be incorporated into a line of frozen foods. The picking order is randomly determined via knife pull:

Kevin - "Bringing Home the Bacon"
Amanda - "The Big Cheese"
Kelly - "Sour Grapes"
Ed - "Hot Potato"
Tiffany - "Spill the Beans"
Angelo - "Bigger Fish to Fry"

The chefs have an hour to put their dishes together, and Padma starts the countdown. Everyone scatters. Amanda decides to make macaroni and cheese, saying that a good version of it would certainly be welcome in the frozen food aisle. I can't argue with that. Ed certainly does. He interviews that she's just been lucky to have lasted as long as she has, because she's sloppy and has no technique. I seem to have a temporary case of Mother Hen Syndrome, because that struck me as unnecessarily harsh. Even if it's true. Angelo calls her a "dark horse", implying she'll sneak right by you if you underestimate her. Tiffany opens a can of beans, saying that cooking dried beans would take too long. Angelo and Ed dash around the Kitchen, giving Kelly a chance to tout her own organization and calm. Last minute panic strikes everyone else, and a mad dash to get everything plated ensues. Time runs out, and Rick and Padma go down the line.

Ed has made herb and roasted garlic gnocchi with spring vegetables and a mushroom fricassee. Tiffany wants to play up her fish skills for Rick, and has made pan-seared cod over stewed beans, Swiss chard, bacon, and carrots. Kevin has made bacon three ways: bacon puree, chopped bacon with snap peas, and a bacon froth with a poached egg on top. Tasty as that sounds, there are major problems here, and Angelo echoes the viewing party's sentiments when he says that Kevin did not consider the challenge parameters when making his dish. I'd take it back even further and say that he didn't consider the challenge parameters when choosing his ingredient. Bacon is one of the most delicious things on the planet, but it's not something you go hunting for in the frozen food aisle. And if there was one thing to make bacon even more inappropriate for a frozen meal, it's to feature foam and a poached egg. I'm guessing the last time you were strolling past the Totino's Party Pizzas you weren't thinking to yourself, "You know, what I really want to pop in the oven is a frozen poached egg and reconstituted bacon bubbles."

Kelly has made pan-roasted chicken breast, and serves it with caramelized Brussels sprout leaves, golden raisins, and a red grape sauce. Angelo has chili-crusted tilapia satay, with an Asian tartar sauce, sambal, and Sriracha. Sounds like spicy on top of spicy on top of spicy. Angelo tries to quickly outline his complicated procedure for breading his fish in cornstarch to get a glutenous coating. Rick has no feedback. Amanda's macaroni and cheese includes three cheeses, bacon, mushrooms, and jalapenos. To each his own, but for this mushroom-hater, she's just ruined a classic. For no reason that I can think of, she's also cooked a pork chop to serve alongside the mac and cheese.

Results. First in the bottom two is Kelly, whose grapes did not meld well with Brussels sprouts. The only thing that melds well with Brussels sprouts is a trashcan. Amanda's mac and cheese was far too heavy. She disagrees in interview, saying that she can usually get behind the judges' critiques of her food, but not in this case. On the plus side, Kevin's dish featured bacon in a nice, light way. Ed's gnocchi was well-thought and well-executed. For all the reasons discussed above, the winner is pretty much a foregone conclusion, and indeed, Ed takes the challenge. Angelo takes a little shot at him in interview, saying that Ed will look good on the packaging, since he kind of looks like a potato. I've been talking about Potato Faces in movies and on TV for years, but can't ever articulate what I mean. To paraphrase a more well-known quote: I may not be able to define Potato Face, but I know it when I see it.

Elimination Challenge. This one makes a lot more sense than the Quickfire. The chefs will be going to the Nationals' stadium to make fine dining versions of concession stand food. Rather than serving hordes of fans (except...well, you'll see), the dishes will be served during the pre-game. The chefs think the challenge sounds like grand fun, until Padma tells them that although they'll be presenting six dishes, they'll all be working together as one team. Faces fall. Amanda recalls the chaos of putting together a menu the last time everyone had to work together. Of course, Kenny's not around to crow about being such an awesome alpha male anymore, so theoretically, there should be a lot less dick measuring this time around. Let's find out.

Padma gives the chefs fifteen minutes to plan. Tiffany gets on my nerves for the first time when she whines about Kelly having the audacity to... Are you ready? Talk a lot during the brainstorming session. I really don't understand where all of the anti-Kelly sentiment springs from in this household. Sure, she can be a little supercilious, but not to the degree that other people should be this upset over it. In fact, this complaint comes in the middle of Kelly's very intelligent idea that the menu doesn't have to be cohesive, but should have variety, lest the judges tear into them for not collaborating enough. Amanda hops on board with Tiffany, saying that Kelly's always thinking about herself. Yeah, Kelly. Why can't you just consider Amanda's feelings, and let her win the season? It's not like you're competing against her or anything. I've said before that being in a competition doesn't excuse you for being a dick, but the flip side applies as well. You should be respectful of your competitors, but that doesn't preclude you from doing your level best to beat them. In other words, I'm sure you're a lovely person, but you just landed on my Marvin Gardens hotel. Pay up, please.

In the end, it's decided that as long as nobody's dish is too similar to anyone else's, it's pretty much everyone for themselves. Sounds good to me. The chefs split their $2000 budget up and head for the store. Angelo dithers over buns. Wow, I'll never need that sentence again, ever. Amanda wants to "make a statement" by making tuna tartare. Well, I'm sure she'll be successful if the statement she wants to make is "Please avoid my food at all costs." Hey, I love tuna tartare. Just not when it's been sitting in the open air for hours. Kevin agrees with me, saying it's "not baseball food". I'm not sure we should be running to someone who just screwed up the notion of "frozen food" for semantic arguments, but I can't fault him on this one.

Later, the chefs get to the Kitchen for three hours of prep time. Angelo worries, because the pork he's cooking needs two and half hours to braise. Better get hopping then, Sparky. Tiffany decides to emulate a booth at the Texas state fair that serves sausage and peppers, and works on rolling up a gazillion meatballs. Amanda chops up her tuna in advance, not wanting to do a temperature-sensitive technique in a kitchen she has yet to see. One wonders where this methodical thinking process was when she was conceiving her dish. Ed and Kevin complain about Amanda going to Angelo for advice about putting her tuna through a meat grinder. If I were more kindly disposed, I'd agree that putting faith in Angelo's ideas sure didn't do Tamesha any good, but they're on a single team, all she's asking about is grinding tuna meat, and you two sound like naggy tools. Huh. I guess that Mother Hen Syndrome has evaporated.

Ed has to make more than five hundred shrimp and corn poppers, and is racing to get done on time. He runs around the Kitchen, hysterically snapping at Tiffany and crashing into racks of pans, making for a very comedic off-screen sound effect. Angelo ribs him for being a Tasmanian devil that runs around the Kitchen, and somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. Ed manages to finish with just a few seconds to spare. That night at the house, the chefs realize that there will be no waitstaff to rudely order around this time. They'll have to serve the food themselves. That leads to some logistical problems, since nobody knows if plates will just be set out, or they'll have to take individual orders. Kelly worries aloud that she has to cook her crabcakes in batches, so she's not sure how taking orders can work. Angelo calls her "strategical". Really, Dubya? Is she part of a "nucular" family, too? Kevin shrugs that they really can't make any decisions until they see what they have to work with, and Angelo unwisely responds with "I'll do it." That's all Kevin has to hear to completely abdicate himself from any responsibility or problems having to do with service.

Nationals Park. The chefs arrive at the narrow little concession kitchen and get an hour to finish up their food. Kevin tells us that Angelo is in charge of taking orders, but that he doesn't really trust him. Well pick one, you whiny baby. You can be happy that Angelo gets to deal with all the service issues and you get to avoid them, or you can be happy that you don't trust him to do a good job and he'll screw up in front of the judges. You don't get to sit there and complain that someone isn't doing a good enough job of shooting himself in the foot. God, what it is about Kevin? He isn't the most objectionable contestant we've ever seen -- not by a long shot. In fact, he's pretty middle-of-the-road; no more interesting than, say, Nikki. But every time he opens his mouth, I just want to shove a grapefruit in it.

Phooey: "Damn, there sure are a lot of bitches this season."

The chefs do their best to find the space and equipment they need. Angelo realizes what a mistake he made the previous evening. He's only now figuring out that he can't take/deliver orders and plate his food. Of course, having someone else plate his food isn't an option because they might intentionally screw him over. How, I don't know. Arrange his pork unattractively? Stiff the judges on sauce? Angelo attempts to wriggle out of his lackluster commitment by handing out order pads so other chefs can take orders, and Kevin immediately shuts him down. He interviews that no matter what type of restaurant you work in, attempting to have everyone handle both service and cooking leads to a completely dysfunctional situation. He somehow manages to be entirely correct, and yet is still such a dick about it that I want to defend Angelo. I won't, but I have to admit the impulse was there. They finally cobble together a system of who's going to cook, who's going to plate, and who's going to serve. Once it's all settled, Ed tells Angelo he's changed his mind, and can't help him out anymore. "Are you joking?" Angelo says with horror. "Yeah," Ed responds. Ha! Nice one. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste with some of the Nationals players. There's that one guy, that other guy, and that other other guy.

Kender: "Don't worry that you've never heard of any of them. They're the Nationals."

The players wander around the tight space, inspecting the food, chatting with the chefs, and just generally getting in the way. The chefs are relieved when they finally leave. Kelly is concerned that her bacon might make her crabcake sandwich too salty, and that the judges will disapprove of serving it open-faced. There's nothing she can really do about it now, though, and she just hopes for the best. Speaking of which, Amanda notices that the laws of chemistry do not suspend themselves for her, and the tuna that's been sitting in the open air is oxidizing and losing all its color. Angelo declines to help (in interview), though he knows some secrets for improving her food. Tiffany is more upstanding, and offers some helpful critiques of Kevin's chicken skewer. She doesn't want anyone to be eliminated based on something she's done, said, or hasn't said. Good for her. A slapdash menu is hung above the counter. Ed is passive-aggressive about Angelo taking up some space, and Angelo offers a terse suggestion that they just find a solution without all the petty bitching. Time winds down. Hungry patrons swarm in.

Service begins. Angelo calls out orders. Kelly and Tiffany's dishes are immediately pegged as crowd favorites. They're thrilled to be so popular. The baseball players return to get one of each dish so they can help judge. I'd worry that all this fried food won't do their game any favors, but it's the Nationals, so nobody cares. They pretty much like every dish, though one of the guys thinks that Ed's fritters are like biting into a caterpillar. Once they've eaten, they wander off, not stopping to talk to any of the fans who try to engage them in conversation. Well... Thanks for stopping by, guys. That was invaluable. Other fans happily munch on their gourmet snacks in the stands. The judges stop by the counter. Padma actually looks quite good in a simple Nationals jersey. Certainly better than she looks in "high-fashion" armadillo tank tops and ridiculous sun hats.

Kelly has a an open-faced crabcake BLT with a spicy herb aioli and sweet potato fries seasoned with Old Bay. Tiffany has an Italian meatball sub with tomato marinara, fennel, a basil pesto, and mozzarella. Amanda's got a tuna tartare with fennel, mushrooms, lemon, and a fava bean puree. That doesn't sound good, and not just because of the mushrooms and oxidized tuna. She knows she's in trouble, presentation-wise, but likes the flavor of her dish. Rick gives her props for gumption, but indeed, the sickly gray appearance of the tuna gives Eric pause. Ptom does enjoy the vegetables, but doesn't mention the fish itself. Kelly's crabcake has excellent flavor, but Padma does detect a lot of salt coming from the bacon. As the judges taste Tiffany's dish, a short clip of a fan pointing to her meatball sub and asking "Is this a meatball sub?" is shown. Let us pray that this fan has nothing to do with lawmaking. Or education. Or healthcare. Or anything, really. The sub is very popular with the judges, though Eric finds it a bit challenging to eat.

Angelo watches Ed put one of his sandwiches together. "More pickle?" Ed asks. "Yes. That's what she said," Angelo responds. Heh. Always a classic. When alien excavators dig down to this era's cultural relics, they're going to find a lot of "That's what she said" and "Your Mama" jokes. Works for me! Both Angelo and Ed are calmer, and happy to have found a balance in the service. Angelo interviews that Kevin is still being sulky about the whole thing. The judges return for the rest of their food. Angelo has made sweet glazed pork on a lobster roll (aka - hot dog bun), with spicy cucumber, Asian pear, and sweet sesame pickles. Kevin has a chicken kabob with Romesco sauce, scallions, shoestring fries, and a smoked paprika aioli. Ed has shrimp and corn risotto fritters, with a jalapeno aioli. Flavor aside, he's just happy that he managed to get them all done in time.

The judges have nothing but nice things to say about the fritters. They've got nice heat and texture, especially given the challenging serving conditions. Kevin's worried, because his dish is not getting ordered a lot. He wanted to give some crunch by putting his shoestring fries on top of the chicken, but ironically, crunch is the last thing he gets. Eric says that the fries became soggy from sitting on top of the sauce and hot chicken. Various fans aren't impressed, either. Angelo's pork is tasted. Hilariously, one of the fans is wearing a shirt that exactly matches the food basket. Nice camouflage! Angelo's use of the hot dog bun sinks him. It's too doughy, and kills the flavor and finish of his pork. Various fans talk about which of the dishes were their favorites. Ptom supposes that the chefs must have worked together well to serve so many people, but "there's no I in team". No, but there's a me!

Interstitial. Angelo talks to his Russian fiancee on the phone. He does not pull a Mel Gibson, so it's all very boring.

When we come back, a bit of that night's baseball game is played. I can't claim to be the biggest sports fan in the world, but there is a fun sort of energy that comes from living in a city with such baseball fever. Plus, I get to make fun of this:

Wow! Those seats must be upwards of 1/10 full! Parking must be a nightmare! In the fret 'n sweat, Angelo fiddles with a baseball. Kelly is amazed that after all these challenges, her stomach still feels sick as she waits for the results.

Tim: "That's actually the tuna tartare."

Padma enters, and summons everyone to Judges' Table. When they enter the dining room, Padma asks Angelo how it was decided that he expedite the food. He brings up his volunteering the night before the game, and Tiffany stops him, wanting to air the full saga of how Angelo wound up having to stick to his offer, despite his attempt to back out. Kevin, sensing an opportunity, makes sure to tell the judges how shitty he thought Angelo's behavior was, because after all, no takesies backsies. I don't really understand the point of hashing this all out at Judges' Table, since service wasn't an issue for good OR ill, but I guess some people aren't happy unless they've got something to complain about.

Moving on to food. Ed's fritters were hot and creamy on the inside, and his sauce was nicely spicy. His was a very tidy dish, which Tiffany's was not. Still, the judges loved the flavors. Tiffany giggles, and admits that she's one of those people who insists on a bit of juice spurting out of hamburgers and the like. Everyone has a good chuckle. That's the top two, and Rick gets to announce the winner. This season has had an impressive number of episode sweeps, and the streak continues, as Ed takes the challenge. He wins Rick's book and a trip to Australia. It's pretty telling that upon winning the book, Ed's face reads "Oh. Thanks, I guess," and upon winning the trip, he cracks into a wide grin. Enjoy Australia! I hope it takes your mind off of... Well, other stuff. Ed and Tiffany are dismissed.

Once they're gone, the judges turn to the other chefs. Amanda took an admirable risk, but it didn't pay off. Her fish gave off an air of not being fresh. Ptom asks the others if they would have tartared their fish the day of the challenge, rather than the day before. Naturally, Kevin is the only one to answer, saying that he wouldn't have even chosen that dish, but if he had, he certainly would have done it the day of. You know who Kevin is? Kevin is that guy who took names of people that were talking when the teacher was out of the room, then complained on the playground because nobody wanted to play Four Square with him. Ptom tells Amanda that maybe it would have been worth it to be in a time crunch in service of better food. I actually don't fault her for trying to do as much the day before as possible, but she certainly doesn't explain her thought processes well here. Kevin is told that he had a good idea, but his concept didn't come across in the food. The skewer was too long, the fries were soggy, and the whole thing just came across as disappointing. Kevin says that he was trying to get all of his flavors stacked so they could be eaten as one bite, and Ptom tells him that that's wholly unnecessary.

Kelly's crabcakes had excellent flavor, though they lacked a little crunch, and the sandwich was a touch too salty. So it was fine, but not outstanding. Angelo's pork was cooked well, but the flavor got sucked into a doughy piece of bread. He should know better, since he runs a sandwich shop. Padma adds that in addition to the bread, the rest of the components were too sweet. Angelo says he put Napa cabbage in to cut the sweetness, but he can't snow this panel; Eric points out that Napa cabbage is plenty sugary in and of itself. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Kevin's plate had too much going on, and his aioli and Romesco sauce were too similar to each other. His skewer was so long, fans and judges alike were spearing their own uvulas. I don't think that should be taken too seriously into account, but I do like to say "uvula". Putting his fries on top of the skewer was pointless and counterproductive. Amanda should have cut her tuna later. Her vegetables were good, but Eric is literally offended by her final product's appearance. Angelo didn't correct the problems with his pork's flavors, and his spongy bread sucked all the juice out. Kelly's crab was great, but the rest of her components didn't do her any favors. "It is what it is," Kelly drones back in the Kitchen. DRINK! The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Ptom tells the chefs that they were supposed to make ballpark food, but unfortunately they "made a few errors." ERRORS, GET IT?!?!?!?! BECAUSE IT'S BASEBALL?!?!?! ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS?!?!?!?! Sigh. And when you're done sighing, DRINK! Kelly got the crab right, but nothing else. Amanda's tuna was too oxidized to enjoy. Kevin's fries were soft. Angelo's sandwich was sweet and soggy. Padma delivers the bad news. Amanda. Please pack your knives and go. She thanks the judges for the "awesome opportunity". She gives Kevin and Angelo a hug, and pulls Kelly into a reluctant hug back in the Kitchen. She tells us with great import that this is an experience that she is going to remember for the rest...of her life. Well, yeah. Who wouldn't? She's sad to leave, and proud that she's the only sous chef to have made it this far. She also made it to the final six without winning a single challenge, but I guess I can't expect her to be as jazzed about that accomplishment.

Overall Grade: B-