Clothes, But Not Clothes Enough

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 5

Previously on Just Desserts: Melrose Place wished it could be this out-of-control. Seth had another meltdown, which led to an anxiety attack, which led to his ejection. Heatherc threw herself back into the competition with the tenacity and vigor of limp spaghetti. Heatherh was crabby, Yigit was snotty, and Malika was done with this show, quitting at her culinary high point. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. More Zettie's Confections. Yay! In addition to those, we had cupcakes I had made for LabRat's birthday, and Panny brought along mini-pumpkin pies, adapted from the mini-pecan pies that I love so. Happiness all around!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Last week, I referred to Yigit as Gretchen Weiners. This week, let's get his opening lines verbatim, shall we? "Clique is such an awful word, but there's definitely groups of people who have gravitated towards one another. [Heatherh], Zac, and I... We've become Team Go Diva. People are a little bit threatened by the three of us being such talented pastry chefs and good friends, but...fuck them." Wow. Even though I thought it was a fairly apt comparison, I never dreamed it would be that prescient. Since Yigit is about a half-centimeter from getting hoop earrings for Hanukkah, why don't we just go ahead and fuse the two of them? Gretchen + Yigit = Gidget. Plus, we have the added bonus of never having to revisit the phrase "Team Go Diva", which is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. "Plastics" it is.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by a weird didgeridoo sound effect. Oh, and by Gail and this week's guest judge, Sherry Yard, who rules Pastryland in Wolfgang Puck's empire. Gail tells the chefs that their skills will be tested to the limit today, as they tackle the most notoriously fragile dessert there is. Yes, it's souffle time! Yay! They're light, they're airy, and they can deflate if you look at them cross-eyed. The chefs are appropriately nervous. Gail gives them an hour to whip up their souffles, and starts the clock.

Zac talks up the Plastics as he springs into action. The chefs interview about their various tips for achieving a successful souffle. Height, egg whites, and timing all figure into this terrifying enterprise. Zac says he doesn't like traditional souffle, so he's going to make a frozen version, dismissing the other chefs' as boring. Well, sure. Ignoring the entire point of the challenge worked out so well for Heatherc's penny candy dish and Seth's wedding cake. Third time's a charm! Tellingly, nobody claims to have this challenge in the bag. Everyone knows enough about souffles to avoid being overconfident. Dishes are filled, popped into the ovens, and watched like kids at a playground. Time runs out. Zac shouts about the Plastics again.

The chefs approach Gail and Sherry one by one to present their souffles. Danielle's is a lemon and lavender souffle, with a ginger/blueberry compote at the bottom, with honey/creme fraiche ice cream. Well, that didn't take long. It may not be terrifically light and high, but those flavors have won Limecrete's Pick of the Week for Danielle. That thing sounds fucking delicious. Zac talks up his frozen souffle to offset any objections to it not being traditional. It's a Grand Marnier/vanilla bean frozen souffle, with sauteed apples in brown butter in one side dish, and toasted oat streusel with fennel pollen on another. Erika is not happy with her souffle, saying it could have used another thirty seconds in the oven. That's the margin of error? I'm never going to make one of these things. Her souffle is lemon-basil, and is served with a white chocolate raspberry sauce.

Heatherh has a chocolate raspberry souffle with Grand Marnier and dusted with powdered sugar, which is served with a rasberry coulis and Godiva cream. Sherry tells her that a perfect souffle is like a unicorn, in that she's never seen one. Wow, that was kind of bitchy. Gidget tells the judges he's made a beautiful chocolate souffle, with a passion fruit and vanilla bean ice cream. He's made some spirals of hardened chocolate to surround the ice cream, which looks very cool. Morgan's made a gianduja souffle, with some burnt sugar ice cream and a raspberry coulis. Yes! More hazelnut! Less coconut!

Results. Aw, I was hoping to see what Heatherc and Eric came up with. Gail asks Sherry for her bottom three, which kicks off with Erika. Her souffle was too sweet and too heavy. Zac's had no airy qualities, and was dense. Gee, you'd almost think ignoring the challenge intentions doesn't work out well for the chefs! I wonder if they'll ever stumble across that clue. The bottom three ends with Heatherh, whose souffle lacked flavor. Danielle gets in a hilarious and extremely understandable dig at the Plastics, who kicked off the episode snarking about how intimidating they are to the other chefs, and now comprise two-thirds of the Quickfire losers. The top three starts with Morgan, whose souffle had great height and great flavor. Gidget's had height, acid, and good balance. Danielle layered her flavors well. The winner of the challenge is... Gidget. "I feel like this is what should have been happening since the beginning, so I'm finally glad that I'm in the rhythm of the competition, and hopefully, this is the first of many to come," he crows. Why do these weirdos sitting around me like this jerkoff? Are they pod people? I never hear mention of immunity, so I guess it's not offered for this Quickfire.

Elimination Challenge. Gail tells the chefs that Los Angeles Fashion Week is just around the corner, so the chefs will be putting on a fashion event of their own: They will be making edible fashion. Zac has a lot of experience making chocolate dresses, and can't wait to get started. A cart with a bunch of women's shoes is rolled in, and the Plastics react as if they're made of solid gold. Morgan is also pleased, but for more...adult reasons. It's refreshing to see someone own their fetish. The chefs pull cookies to determine the order in which they'll select a pair of shoes for inspiration. Zac disses Danielle's sense of fashion for picking some shiny orange shoes, as if she intends on wearing them to a runway show, and not using them as a basis for her dessert. God, he's annoying. Morgan cradles and fondles his chosen pair, completely checking out of the rest of the process. Heatherc gets stuck with last pick, and is forced to choose some frilly peach-colored shoes.

Gail tells the chefs that their edible outfits should match their shoes. That's not the entire challenge, though. The chefs must also create two petit fours as accessories to their outfits, which will be served to sixty diners, along with the judges. They get thirty minutes and $200 to shop, then eight hours to prep in the Kitchen, and two hours to set up at the event. Shopping. Morgan is still turned on, and peruses spices to give his petit fours the same heat as his sexy shoes. Zac grabs some toilet plungers to use as boob molds. Heatherc's shoes suggest a garden party to her, and she stocks up on vegetables. Gidget disdains her taste, declaring it more of an arts and crafts project than elegance.

Back in the Kitchen, the eight hours of prep begins. Zac brags to the other chefs about his edible fashion experience, but allows in interview that time is short. On the other end of the spectrum is my beloved Eric, who admits that he's not fashionable, and not the least bit interested in fashion. He doesn't have any experience with design, let alone executing that design, and senses disaster in the making. He's giving it the old college try, though, and starts cutting out cookie squares. I just want to pull him in for a big hug. Morgan tells us that there's no getting around the fact that his shoes are fuck-me pumps, so he'll be making "sequins" to accentuate their sexiness. He starts cutting out chocolate circles. Danielle, like Heatherc, is using a lot of plant material for her outfit. Gidget wants to evoke Bjork's swan dress. Heatherh tells the very touching story of being adopted from Korea by a single mother, and how inspirational and wonderful her mother has been. Adorable pictures are shown. Aw.

Johnny comes in and asks the chefs to stop working. Everyone knows this means a twist ahead, which sends an already stressed Eric into full-on panic. Fortunately, there isn't more work to be done. Johnny is just there to announce that the winner of the challenge will win $20,000. That's right, the winner of a single challenge will get a full fifth of the amount the winner of the entire competition will receive. I'm glad that this hefty prize money is for what seems like the most difficult challenge so far, but yowsa. It's still a little wonky. The chefs get back to work, doing the best they can to see around the little dollar signs that have just registered in their eyeballs. Heatherh, still stinging from Morgan's win last week, disdains his "easy" technique of attaching sequins. She's taking the more difficult tack of draping sheets of chocolate. She also doesn't appreciate Morgan's treatment of women in general (intercut with shots of Morgan objectifying his dress form and referring to the female chefs as "darlin'"). I guess there was more to her sore winner tantrum than met the eye last week.

Meanwhile, Heatherc is as happy as I've ever seen her as she attaches leeks and lettuce leaves to her dress form. She cheerfully admits that she was a tomboy, and has little to no idea what being fashionable entails. She sews circles of turnip onto the dress hem, hoping that leaving them out overnight won't ruin the effect. Morgan finishes early, and enjoys twisting the knife in the Plastics' side as they scurry to get their dresses done. He talks up how hot his completed dress is, and though this is where I'd normally attempt to take a self-satisfied boob down a peg or two, he's right. Plus, it's nice to see the Plastics sweat. Erika wants her dress to look like it belongs to a lady that gets a little wild when she's done with work for the day. Time winds down. Eric flails.

The next day, the chefs use their two hours to set up their dresses and get their petit fours done. Heatherc's turnips have dried and wilted, and she has to redesign the bottom of her dress. Zac makes fun of her in interview. Eric continues to struggle, and I continue to want to make it all better for him. Shut up, don't judge me! His dress looks awful, and he knows it. Morgan has a lot of spare time, and makes an extra accessory. The chefs take their completed dresses out to the gallery/dining room, where there are spaces with their names marked off. Eric is embarrassed to have his name attached to his monstrosity of a dress. Morgan happily admits in interview that he'll willingly help out anyone who isn't a threat to his win. He demonstrates this skewed altruism by assisting Heatherc wrap her peppercorn belt around her vegetable dress. Time runs out, and diners stream into the gallery. Zac interviews that it was a great crowd of people.

LabRat: "Meaning that it's all gay men."

Zac goes on to disdain the other chefs' petit fours and bloggers who aren't as classy as the "fashionistas" who have showed up to eat free dessert on camera, then leave. I'll be sure to let you know if there's anyone other than the other Plastics that Zac doesn't disdain. The judges come in to stares from the chefs and other diners. Okay, they're the judges. Not the Greek pantheon. Dannielle is back on the panel this week, along with Gail, Johnny, and Sherry. The judges head for Erika's table first. She describes her inspiration as business-woman-by-day, vixen-by-night. Her dress is gorgeous. The bottom hem is made of cocoa- and raspberry-dusted popcorn, giving it a ruffle effect. The skirt is molding chocolate, and the bustier is chocolate feathers. More popcorn leads up to the neckline. Her petit fours are chocolate earrings (made with raspberry jelly and pistachio mousse), and a chocolate purse (made with lemon milk chocolate ganache and apricot jam). A little mint leaf serves as the purse's clasp. Beautiful. The judges love the dress, but find the petit fours too big, putting a sweet spin on the classic not-an-amuse-bouche argument.

Zac's dress evokes a burlesque warrior. It's very Xena, and I mean that as a compliment. He talks it up further by saying that it's not just an art piece, but could actually be wearable. His petit fours are chocolate/passion fruit/lemongrass "pasties", and a coconut/black tea/pineapple makeup bag. DRINK! Good work all around. His petit fours get fairly positive reviews, though Johnny is left with an unpleasantly sandy aftertaste. Maybe it was that red glitter on top of the makeup bag. Eric does his best to sell his dress as "flirty homemaker". I applaud him for trying to adhere to the challenge, despite not knowing the first thing about it, but let's not pretend his work paid off. The skirt is meant to be a sort of gingham pattern with cookies, and the top is sheets of molding chocolate that he's tried to wrap around the form to create a semblance of clothing. His petit fours are a cherry cheesecake pendant and a chocolate cake and flambeed banana clutch purse. That one sounds good. The judges nail the execution of the sad dress, but enjoy the petit fours.

Heatherc has made a leaf lettuce skirt and leek top (complete with lemon thyme ruffle), with a pink peppercorn belt. Even if it weren't required by the challenge, I can't understand why no dessert materials were included. Surely that's what the judges are looking for. The skirt and top look kind of cute, but the belt is lackluster, and doesn't tie the other two pieces together. Her petit fours are a clutch made of chocolate/caramel/sea salt, and a chocolate fleur-de-lys hairpin. The judges like her caramel, but not much else. Johnny points out that the dress doesn't have a single pastry technique on display. Gidget's ice princess warrior dress is a wraparound of chocolate feathers, dyed blue at the top and green at the bottom. I like the twist he's put on it. That's a literal twist, in that the feathers spiral around, and don't point straight down. His petit fours are a raspberry and pinot noir ice cream hairpin, and an olive oil/citrus cake brooch with a raspberry on top. The judges like the meticulous layering of the dress, but find the petit four flavors flat.

Morgan's little black chocolate sequin dress has a red sequin stripe down the side. The extra chocolate purse accessory sits alongside the shoes, and matches perfectly. His first petit four is a spiced raspberry "ruby ring" bonbon, with the band made of chocolate. It looks awesome. His other petit four is a red hot cinnamon macaron earring. The judges love everything about his work, top to bottom. Heatherh's dress looks the most like real fabric. The top has a line of what looks like lemon cookies, and there's a ruffle made from pasta. Brilliant. Her petit fours are a lemon curd macaron purse with strawberry and pineapple, and a brooch of almond cake and raspberry cream, with passion fruit caviar. Dannielle loves the draping of the dress. Johnny points out that Heatherh's macaron pales in comparison to Morgan's. Ouch. I'm glad I wasn't in the room when she saw this episode air.

We wrap up with Danielle, who is telling one of the guests that she's not much of a shoe girl, usually opting for flip-flops. Heh. Her dress' top is roasted beets and chopped celery, and the skirt is made up of roasted leek leaves. A string of carrot coins forms a necklace, and there is a belt of stringed grapes. It's kind of sad looking, and again, has no whisper of dessert in it. None of the other chefs like the look of it, either. The Plastics giggle nastily over it, and even Eric, who usually refrains from shit-talking, says that he put more effort into his garment than the vegetable dresses. Danielle's petit fours are a red velvet whoopie pie purse and a roasted banana ice cream bonbon watch. Johnny wonders why two of the chefs didn't put any dessert components into their dresses, saying that the show isn't called Top Chef: Just Vegetables. True, but I'd totally watch that show. Sherry thinks the petit fours are overly sweet, and could have used some acid. Service winds down. Erika and Danielle dissuade Morgan from hitting on one of the diners. Heatherh tries to buck up Eric's spirits, but he knows from a quick glance around the room that he is not in good shape.

Interstitial. The chefs describe their nicknames for each other. The only bit of interest is a series of Danielle's cartoon faces, which crack me up.

Fret 'n sweat. Erika wonders what's to become of their dresses. Zac jokes that the judges are eating them one by one, with dressing served out of the shoes for Heatherc's and Danielle's. Gail comes back, and asks to see Gidget, Zac, and Morgan at Judges' Table. They naturally turn out to be the top three. Boo! Erika should have been in there somewhere. That popcorn ruffle was so great! I guess she was sunk by her gigantic petit fours. Chances I'll need the previous sentence again in my lifetime? Slim to none. By the way, Morgan is now limping for some reason. Maybe Seth slashed his leg after he stabbed Heatherc. Gidget's dress was beautiful, elegant, and delicate. Morgan's dress was sexy, and his ring was gorgeous. Zac's warrior woman was a great character and his pasties tasted great. The winner of the challenge, and the $20,000 prize is... Morgan. Yay! He may not be the most gallant man on the planet, but he certainly deserved this win. He's thrilled to win two Elimination Challenges in a row, mostly for the cachet it gives him with the other chefs. Really? I'd like the money. Gail asks the winners to send out the bottom three.

Morgan's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. Even Heatherh seems to be pleased for him. He tells the waiting chefs the unsurprising news that the judges want to see Heatherc, Eric, and Danielle. As the losing chefs trudge out, Gidget and Zac kid-but-not-really about how it sucks that the straight Texan just whipped them in a fashion challenge. Morgan blows them off. Out in the dining room, we hardly even need to hear the problems the judges had with the bottom three dresses, so obvious were the flaws. Eric admits that the process was incredibly difficult, and that he couldn't brush off his sense of panic, which led to all sorts of problems. Heatherc wanted to do something different, but didn't use anything sweet. Her dress didn't match the petit fours at all. Danielle liked her dress, and wanted to show color, texture, and shape. The judges wonder if she lacks the technical skill to pull off showing that through chocolate. She used more inedible material than any other chef, and her watch petit four was too big, and not watch-like. Her whoopie pie purse was a hit, though, and Johnny wishes she had applied the technique she put into that across the entire project. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Danielle disappointed the judges by not applying any of her pastry knowledge to her garment. Her watch was too small, her bonbon was too big, and her dress' skirt looked like it took fifteen minutes. Heatherc's dress looked like a drunken sorority girl made it. Ouch. She came out of her shell enough to take some risks, but the risks didn't pay off. Eric's stress showed in his disastrous dress, but his petit fours had outstanding flavor. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. None of the bottom three succeeded in the visual creativity the judges were looking for. Eric's garment was a total mess. Heatherc chose the easiest materials, and her accessories didn't accesorize. Danielle didn't show any technique, and didn't take any risks. Johnny gives it over to Gail for the chop. Heatherc. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. Whew. I feel bad for her, but I'm relieved that my boy Eric is with us for another week.

In her final interview, Heatherc is a lot cheerier about her elimination this time around, which is heartening. She shrugs that she liked what she did, and she's proud of herself for stepping outside of her comfort zone. She giggles to the waiting chefs that this time, she's gone for real. Heh. She feels like the competition has made her a stronger person, and really enjoyed the experience, especially meeting other chefs who are dedicated to the same work she is. Well, that's sweet. It's certainly nice to have the opportunity to redo one's elimination in order go out on a higher note.

Overall Grade: B-