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Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 4

Previously on Top Chef: A culinary relay race reconfirmed the moral of "The Tortoise and the Hare". The chefs attempted to cook in the style of other people, the better to determine who's the most adaptable. Stephen -- who probably hasn't even cooked in his own style since Season 1 -- got eliminated, with poor Dalel right behind him. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Casey is bummed that her pal Dalel is no longer around to be awesome, while Tiffani tries to drag herself out of the slump that's put her into the bottom for two weeks running (although the first one doesn't really count, so whatever). Dalet is happy for his win, but gives the Standard Speech.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Tony Mantuano, who cooked for Top Chef Masters, and who rather looks like a friendly basset hound. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I mean that as a compliment. For today's Quickfire, we get one of those hilarious challenges that shoehorns a seasonal event going on in real time into an episode filmed at an entirely different time of year. I love it when they tell chefs to create a Christmas feast in August. Anyhow, the challenge today is to make stuffing, which Tiffani reminds us is probably the most varied "traditional" recipe in the entire pantheon of holiday foods. The chefs will have 45 minutes to create a stuffing of their own. If that sounds too simple, there's naturally a catch: No utensils allowed. That sounds pretty rough, but there's a nice bonus for the chef that works it out. The winner gets immunity and $20,000. Ready? Go!

The chefs spring right into their prep work, and some very clever ideas are hatched to get around the challenge's limitations. Richard uses a jar lid for a spoon. Fabio grates cheese through a dish rack. Tiffani butchers quail with a pepper mill. Tre freezes ingredients with liquid nitrogen so they can be smashed easily. Ears of corn and stalks of celery are used as stirring spoons. Time runs out. Padma and Tony go down the line. Casey has gone an Asian route with mushrooms and crispy chicken livers. Jamie has made a "stuffing crepinette" with pork and lemon oil. She calls it a take on matzo ball soup, which is about as apt as calling pepperoni pizza a take on breakfast cereal. Carla readily admits her quinoa didn't have time to cook properly, calling her finished plate "undone-te" instead of al dente. Hehehe.

Spike has stuffed quail with raisins and herbs, and has put an apricot glaze on it. Marcel has squab with raisin brioche, cherries, currants, and ras el hanout gravy. Enough with the raisins. Richard has pressure-cooked an onion with nitro-fried fennel. He also incorporates the hated raisins. Tre's southwestern stuffing has bacon, cheese, chili powder, and peppers. Now that's what I'm talkin' about. Dalet's Spanish-influenced stuffing has crab, oyster, chili lemon aioli, grapes, and olives. Tiffani's got soy maple stuffing with quail, grilled mushrooms, and grapes. Fabio has polenta bread with pressure-cooked vegetables, smoked bacon, and the aforementioned grated Parmesan.

Results. Carla naturally kicks off the bottom three, which is no surprise to anyone, least of all her. Tiffani's stuffing was too sweet. Casey's dish was more of a plated appetizer than a stuffing. Now, for the good news. Tre's dressing was spicy, but well-balanced. Marcel had great stuffing, along with a well-cooked, tasty bird. The winner of the immunity and the wad of cash is... Tre. Yaaaaaay! That really did look like the best stuffing. I'd demolish that stuff. He's thrilled, because he's got a couple of expensive things at home called daughters. Heh.

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be cooking at the home of the US Open. The dishes made should reflect the healthy, energy-providing food that athletes base their diets on. Cans of tennis balls are passed to the chefs, some with orange balls, and some with yellow, which breaks everyone into two teams:

Orange: Carla, Richard, Dalet, Antonia, Marcel, Mike, and Fabio
Yellow: Spike, Jamie, Tiffani, Tiffany, Angelo, Tre, and Casey

Spike worries about his team, because as he puts it, he has no "allies" in this group of people. Ah, yes. In case you'd forgotten about how Spike approached this show, he was always more about manipulation and game-playing than the actual cooking. This Survivor-esque strategy sometimes served him well, but once all there was to rely on was cooking skill, he was history. Padma explains that a chef from each team will present their dish in a head-to-head standoff. Whichever dish is better earns a point for the respective team. First team to four points wins. It's a fairly simple idea, but a very good one. I'm surprised they haven't done something like this before.

The chefs head off for fifteen minutes of menu planning. They do their best to come up with some kind of game plan, but without knowing what the other team is making, it's kind of pointless, so everyone just decides to make whatever the hell they want. Food strategy aside, there's game strategy. Team Orange decides that as long as everyone knocks their individual dishes out of the park, it doesn't matter what order they go in. Master Manipulator Spike, on the other hand, has a different idea for Team Yellow. He wants to put whatever their weakest dish is out first, in order to give up a gimme point against what he's assuming will be a strong opener on Team Orange's part.

After shopping the next day, the chefs head for the US Open kitchen, where they get three hours of prep time. Fabio... Are you ready to be floored? Are you sitting down? I just want to be sure you're prepared to be massively shocked. Ready? Fabio... Is making gnocchi. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!! Next thing you know, he'll be preparing a pasta dish of some kind! Casey works with farro. Careful, there. Jamie frets that her chickpeas won't be cooked in time. Angelo doesn't like the fish he's bought, so he shops around the kitchen until Tiffany agrees to give up some of her tuna. Ew, not like that, perv. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Since this challenge involves people trying to keep quiet about their respective strategies, it's even more of a waste of time than usual, although Spike does spill about his weakest-dish-first idea. In the whir of activity, Carla cuts half her fingernail clean off, which is a great opportunity to play another round of Here's How Much Awesomer I Am Than You At Withstanding Pain. Carla disdains the medic's advice to go to the hospital, puts a bandage on, and gets back to work. The other chefs give her props in interview, telling us that she really manned up...JAMIE. Unhappy with the first batch, Spike hurries to poach more shrimp in the final moments. Time runs out.

The chefs step out onto the courts for some final prep time. A few spectators watch from the stands. They will not figure into the episode in any way, shape, or form, so I'm unsure why they're included. The judges get seated (including a tennis player named Taylor Dent that I'm unfamiliar with), and Padma calls for the first match. Team Yellow is pretty much certain that Jamie's chickpea dish, which still hasn't finished cooking, is their worst entry. Team Orange sends Fabio out. Team Yellow is petrified of Richard, and since he's not out first (and since Jamie's food needs more time if it's to be of any use), their entire strategy burns down, falls over, and sinks into the swamp. Finally, Casey is like "Fuck it," and volunteers to go first. Fabio's whole wheat gnocchi is served with pork loin ragout, some caramelized fennel, and zucchini. Casey has brined, grilled pork tenderloin over a salad of farro, cherries, peas, and a vinaigrette. Taylor votes for Fabio, as do Padma and Ptom. That's enough votes for a majority, and Fabio wins the point.

He celebrates wildly, while Spike snarks in interview that the strategy was to give that point away, but to give it away with the worst dish. So, what's the difference? You wanted to pit your worst dish (Jamie) against what you assume is their best (Richard), and you can still do that. Maybe the strategy should have been Make Better Food Than the Other Team. I'd forgotten what grand fun it is watching Spike play at being a brilliant tactician. My nephew could totally take him at Chutes and Ladders. Dalet volunteers to go next for Team Orange, because if he doesn't, his dumplings won't make it. Marcel, originally slated to go second, is pissed for some nebulous reason. Dalet will be going up against Tiffani. He's made an edamame dumpling in spicy carrot froth, with crispy soy nuts. Tiffani has black bass sashimi, in an avocado and ponzu vinaigrette. Gail votes for Tiffani. Padma goes with Dalet. Ptom and Tony then vote for Tiffani, which seals the point for Team Yellow.

Next up is Angelo vs. Marcel. Angelo has smoked tuna, with a yuzu gelee, and red onion with capers. Marcel has a cauliflower couscous with pomegranate seeds and raisins. Gah! It's topped with some yellowfin tuna. Taylor can't really decide, but Ptom doesn't care for the cream that Marcel finished with. One vote Angelo. Tony and Gail soon follow, so that's two points for Team Yellow. Marcel gripes that Angelo always plates on a spoon, which is 1) Untrue, and 2) Irrelevant. I wait to hear about how this is all because his team didn't let him present second as originally planned, but it never comes. Jamie interviews that at this rate, she won't have to present at all, which is just how she'd like it.

It appears that Team Orange is about to put Richard forward, so Team Yellow pees their pants again and waffle over whether to send Jamie or not. When Team Orange actually sends Antonia, Team Yellow sends Tiffany out. Antonia would love to boost team morale, but "at the end of the day" (1) everyone is working on their own. DRINK! Tiffany has spiced some tuna with fennel, peppercorns, and coriander seeds, and serves it on a lentil salad. Antonia has scallop on a lentil puree, spiced with mint, and served on dandelion greens with cilantro and chives. Tony votes for Tiffany. Gail votes for Antonia. Taylor goes with Antonia. Padma votes Tiffany. This one's a squeaker! Ptom casts the deciding vote, and it goes to Antonia.

Tie game. Team Orange finally puts forth the feared Richard. Since Team Yellow has already given up two points, it's too late to give up a third on purpose. Spike will be going out. Angelo, who's had his fingers in several dishes, harangues Spike into adding some of Angelo's yuzu gelee to his dish. Spike reluctantly agrees. He's got a tomato tamarind soup, with olive oil-poached shrimp, pineapple, tomatoes, and dill. Richard has a spin on tabouli, with lamb, herbs, and yogurt. Tony says that both proteins are disappointing. Spike's shrimp was bland, and Richard's lamb was gamy. Richard's surrounding ingredients saved his, though, so he gets Tony's vote. Padma agrees, and after Ptom compliments the soup, but criticizes the shrimp, it's unanimous. Team Orange pulls ahead. Spike trudges back to his team, complaining in interview about how his plating went and how Jamie hasn't presented yet. Quick question. How do those two things figure into the worst problem with his dish, which was bland shrimp? I'll let you mull that over for a while.

Match point. Team Orange sends Carla up. Angelo encourages Jamie to go. Um, why? She, along with the rest of Team Yellow, would rather send someone who has a shot in hell of scoring a point, and use their last reserve, which is Tre. Angelo offers to help, and Tre allows him to cook the fish, some of which wind up overdone. The combatants walk up to present. Carla has an African groundnut soup, with baked sweet potato, peanuts, and adzuki beans. Tre has salmon on parsnip puree, with olive oil/citrus sauce, tomatoes, and olives. Taylor votes for Tre. Tony enthuses over Carla's soup, and happily gives her a vote. Padma votes for Carla, and Gail (after telling Tre that his fish is somewhat overdone), seals the deal. Carla takes the point, and with it, cinches Team Orange's victory. Carla lets out a wild, Xena-ish scream of triumph. Hehehe.

Spike complains that if only they'd have stuck with their strategy, Team Yellow would have won. HOW? If Jamie had lost to Fabio instead of Casey losing to Fabio, what would be different? Oh, I know! Nothing. Based on judge votes, the only hope Casey would have had would be to go up against Marcel. Neither of them got any votes. If she won that point, it would have given Team Yellow a tie, which would have brought the finals down to Mike vs. Tre, at which point the overcooked salmon would probably have sunk Team Yellow anyway. But by all means, Spike, blame the abandonment of your strategy rather than your crappy food. Glad to see that nothing's changed since your season. You and Elia should form a club. Tiffany agrees that Spike's strategy was idiotic, while Mike says that "at the end of the day," (2) you can't really have a strategy other than Make Good Food and expect to win. DRINK!

Interstitial. Mike leads a rousing dance party in the fret 'n sweat.

Speaking of, here we are. Spike interviews that Jamie had the worst dish, so "at the end of the day," (3) she should be up for elimination, which she isn't. DRINK! Padma enters, and summons the winning points from Team Orange: Carla, Fabio, Richard, and Antonia. Once they're out with the judges, Padma adds that the individual winner gets a trip to Italy. Nice. Fabio's face: "And? I go there every weekend." Richard explains that their strength was focusing on the food and not on any strategy. Carla's soup was homey, yet elevated. Antonia's dish had wonderful layers of flavor. Richard's tabouli tasted great, and Fabio's gnocchi was light, yet tasty. The winner of the challenge, and the trip to Italy is... Carla! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!! She gets applause and hugs back in the Kitchen, before the losing points from Team Yellow (Casey, Tre, Spike, and Tiffany) are sent out to Judges' Table. Once they're gone, Richard tells Jamie that she's got a story going now. She attempts to be pissy and offended, but knows exactly what he's talking about. And he's right. Jamie's arc is now officially: Attempt To Win the Season By Just Refusing to Cook Anything Until Everyone Else is Eliminated. She shrugs, trying to play it off like she doesn't care. She doesn't sell it well.

Judges' Table. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back from their break. The judges open by asking what Team Yellow's strategy was. Spike explains his terrific idea that the rest of the stupid team ignored. Ptom wonders where the backfire happened, because Jamie isn't even up for elimination. That is the one thing that I hadn't considered when tearing Spike apart a couple of paragraphs ago. His team still would have lost, but at least Jamie would be up for elimination. Spike tries another tack, which is to blame Angelo for messing with his soup. His soup that Ptom loved. Keep dancing, Spike! Still, Ptom thinks it worth asking Tiffany if she thinks Angelo is trying to sabotage other people's food. Before she answers, I have to say that I doubt it. I think Angelo always thinks he knows best, even when he has no idea what's going on with someone else's food. He's supercilious, not devious. Tiffany (partially) agrees, saying that each chef is ultimately responsible for their own dishes.

Gail tells Tiffany that her salad was somewhat overdressed, and her spice rub wasn't terrific, either. Fairly minor complaints, all things considered. Tre has immunity, but his fish was overcooked and oily, and was actually the judges' least favorite dish. Either Tre says nothing in response, or it's all on the cutting room floor. Casey's dish was heavy. She argues that it was meant to be hearty. Tony says that it was a problem of perception, and that if there had been more farro and less pork, it may not have been an issue. Meh. Also pretty minor, if you ask me. The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Spike sighs that he should have just told the others to step off and let him plate his own dish. He really is determined to ignore the fact that the parts that the other chefs messed with was the only part of his dish the judges liked. Keep dancing! Tiffany reiterates that "at the end of the day," (4) everyone is still responsible for their own food. DRINK!

Viewing Party Tiffany (reaching for her glass): "Jesus."
Limecrete: "See why it's a drinking game rule now?"

Seriously, America. It's time to put that phrase to bed. Deliberations. Tre is damned lucky he has immunity, and may have phoned it in. Spike's dish needed salt, and he should have stood his ground on plating. Casey's dish was protein-heavy. Tiffany's dish was underseasoned. A shot of Tiffany looking worried back in the Kitchen is shown, and in the background noise, Spike is still complaining about how other people messed with his food. Keep dancing! Nothing's ever your fault! Dance!

Elimination. The same criticisms are rehashed before the wild dance comes to an end. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. In his final interview, he makes sure to tell us how screwed he got, and how awesome he is, and how others should have gone first. He closes by addressing Jamie, and telling her that at some point the competition, she's going to have to stop playing games and cook. Really? People should focus on cooking skill and not on manipulative game play? How perceptive! Is there someone else in the general vicinity who might benefit from that lesson? Nah, probably not. Keep dancing, Spike. I'm sure you'll be able to fool someone one of these days.

Overall Grade: A