Serve and Protect

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 10

Previously on Top Chef: Team Awesome appeared to have the goods and dispositions to completely demolish Team Crappy, but in a dramatic twist... That's exactly what happened. Dale spent the episode needing a pacifier and a nap. The chefs and Andrew's culinary boner catered a wedding, and when Nikki didn't step up to take charge of the Italian menu, no amount of her teammates' mistakes and arguments could save her. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. A veggie platter, a plate of cheese that lasted four seconds once LabRat set his sights on it, ginger snaps (store-bought, yes, but still an amazingly comforting food), and some much-needed sparkling white that Kender was good enough to share.

A time-lapse morning comes to Chicago. Stephanie plucks her eyebrows, and we learn that Richard wears pink crocs. No need to call his sexuality into question; just his taste. Everyone's still pretty tired from the all-night wedding challenge. Spike, talking about Dale, interviews the same point I've made countless times in this blog -- having an "I'm not here to make friends" attitude is fairly pointless and likely to haunt you at some point. Dale doesn't much care about what the others think. You know, except when he'd like them to help him with his work. Andrew is the only one who isn't worn down at this point. He's still a big 'ol bag of crazy, interviewing that he's ready to either stab someone or make some amazing food. Oh, why limit yourself? Those things aren't mutually exclusive! The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Season 2 contestant Sam. Antonia dutifully interviews about how good-looking he is. I imagine we're supposed to forget about how that attractive shell surrounds a passive-aggressive, shit-starting, screaming bully. Hey, producers... Remember how everyone hated the second season? Remember how you didn't even have a reunion show, because you rightly guessed that nobody wanted to watch yet ANOTHER hour of a gang of assholes piling on an annoying-but-harmless guy? Let me offer this hint to you, completely free of charge: The best way to put that behind you is to let the twats who competed that season sink back into obscurity where they belong.

At any rate, Sam will be the guest judge for the week, because being a pretty sack of personality flaws doesn't mean you can't cook. Plus, he's diabetic, which figures into the challenges. For the Quickfire, the chefs will be making a dish that has "fallen on some hard times". The salad. Fallen on some hard times, my ass. Every eatery, from the finest restaurant to the corner coffee shop to the fast food greasebomb on the interstate serves them these days. Not that it's always quality food, but everyone recognizes their worth. If anything, I'd say we're almost in a Golden Age for salads. The chefs know that making a good and interesting salad can be just as difficult as making a good and interesting entree. They've got forty-five minutes to create a new and "sexy" salad. The fact that the producers are trying to punch this challenge up by nonsensically adding "sexy" to it is embarrassing for them, and I'll do them the favor of not mentioning it again. Padma starts the clock, and Andrew and Spike go from zero to running almost instantly. Impressive.

Spike says that Quickfires aren't his forte. Don't sell yourself short, Spike. Looking at your challenge record, I'd say that Elimination Challenges aren't your forte, either. He throws some meat on the grill. Richard's doing a take on ceviche. Lisa disdains the simplicity of other people's salads. She goes on to say that some other people don't belong here, as they're not great chefs, and their personalities suck ass. The camera helpfully jumps over to Dale. Eh, I don't disagree, but since Sam is judging this week, I wouldn't count on someone with a sucky personality being dinged for it. I'm sure Lisa herself will continue to be a ray of joy and friendliness. Stephanie concentrates on autumnal flavors. Antonia works on a spinach salad with poached egg and bacon. Yum. She notes that Lisa is using lobster, and interviews that Lisa is stronger competition than Antonia originally pegged her as. Time winds down. Chefs run to and fro. When time runs out, Stephanie realizes that she forgot to put her artichoke chip on the plate. Geez. I can tell she's one of the more talented chefs, but could she suck harder at Quickfires?

Padma and Sam go down the line. Andrew has made a Thai fruit salad with mango, strawberry, raspberry, and Sriracha dressing with lime juice and sugar. Sam says the Sriracha has a nice flavor. Spike's plate is a mess, but sounds tasty. It includes skirt steak, pineapple, radish, cucumber, and greens. Lisa has grilled squid and lobster tail, and put them into a salad that also has banana and grapefruit yuzu vinaigrette. Now, I love squid, I love lobster, and I love bananas. Together, though? It sounds pretty nasty. All Padma and Sam can taste is the banana. Stephanie's "fall duet" is poached pear and artichokes with a pear vinaigrette. She mentions the missing artichoke chips that should be on top. I would have just pretended they never existed, and hoped for the best. I doubt one scores a lot of points for forthrightness, at least in the Quickfire.

Antonia presents her spinach salad with poached egg, wild mushrooms, sunchokes, bacon vinaigrette, and squash blossoms. I withdraw my "yum" until those mushrooms are removed. The egg bursts into glorious yolk gore when it's cut, which is the perfect way to eat poached eggs. Sam says it has great flavor. Richard calls his salad "fresh and clean", and it looks like a plate of rabbit food. Salads like this are why people make fun of vegetarians. All we hear about it is that it's a ceviche of various fruits and vegetables. Dale has made a poached chicken salad (which is in quotes for some reason -- is it or isn't it a poached chicken salad?) with nori paste, mirin, sake, and rice wine vinegar. It's pretty. Sam tells him that he's successfully avoided the pitfall of overdrying the poached chicken.

Results. First in the bottom three is Richard, whose salad needed acid. Next is Stephanie, who didn't plate all her food, and whose vinaigrette was lacking. Last in the bottom three is Lisa, and I owe Stephanie a bit of an apology, for while she's not good in Quickfires, Lisa's even worse. Her salad was all banana. First in the top three is Spike, who had a well-balanced, flavorful salad. Antonia's salad had great texture. Dale's use of nori was inspired. Pissy shot of Lisa. Padma asks who Sam has selected as the Quickfire winner, and he chooses Spike. Spike is pleased to score his first Quickfire win, even though he doesn't get immunity. Padma tells him he'll get a significant advantage in the Elimination Challenge. Oh, an "advantage"? What, does he get to choose which car he'll ride over to the store in?

Elimination Challenge. Padma and Sam bring in a tray of greasy food, like burgers and onion rings. Lisa describes this, but sheepishly admits that she's kind of craving it now. See, I wish we saw more of that Lisa. When she's not devoting herself to being a cranky witch, she can be kind of awesome. Richard just concentrates on how this is going to figure into the challenge. Padma says that obesity is a big problem in America. It certainly doesn't help me find a seat on the train. Move over, fatass. Sam says that as a diabetic, it can be tough to find flavorful food that's low in carbs and sugar. The greasy food shown is a typical lunch order for Chicago's finest, and Padma tells them that their challenge this week will be to create a gourmet boxed lunch for policemen. The chefs must all use a whole grain, a lean protein, a fruit, and a vegetable. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike gets a ten-minute head start on the shopping. Not only that, but the ingredients he chooses to fulfill the four requirements may not be used by any other chef. He is, of course, delighted at another opportunity to be a rapscallion, because in case the hats didn't tip you off, image is very important to him. Stephanie knows that he's going to screw everyone else over, but Andrew doesn't care, saying that his background in nutrition will pull him through.

Commercials. Go discover the "original" flavors at Qdoba. They're the only Mexican eatery that would ever think of stuff like cheese, flour tortillas, and tomatoes.

Whole Foods. Spike begins his ten-minute head start. Since he so enjoys being delightfully naughty, his strategy is to select ingredients that will screw over his competition the hardest. Not that I'm against creating obstacles for your competitors -- it's certainly fair in this case -- but you'd think he'd at least put a modicum of thought into what he's going to, you know, COOK. He does not. He selects chicken breast, bread, lettuce, and tomato as his four components. These are obviously Everyman kinds of ingredients, and will force the other chefs to be that much more creative. Antonia, once again speaking from within my brain, says that Spike's ingredient choices make her think that he hasn't put a lot of thought into his own dish. Spike pats himself on the back for being so devious, failing to notice the giant banner reading "Pride Goeth Before..." that may as well be hanging above the door. Andrew disdains the idea that he'd use such dumbed-down ingredients anyway, though he certainly doesn't put it past his competitors.

So now everyone has half an hour and $175 to shop. Stephanie admits she was thinking of doing something with chicken and tomatoes, and now has to rethink her plan. Her new plan apparently involves feeling up the phallic squash. Lisa's Plan B revolves around stir-fry, and she grabs some shrimp. Richard wants to do a play on a burrito with bok choy and tuna. Andrew plays up his nutritional background again. Know what he doesn't have a strong background in? Listening to challenge parameters. Er...spoiler!

The next morning, the chefs get started on their two hours of preparations. Stephanie explains that the police officers will be in charge of microwaving their own food; the chefs just need to hand everything over with instructions. Antonia works on curried beef with jasmine and brown rice, and a grapefruit salad. She recalls that she's been doing well with healthy cooking challenges, and is confident she's in good shape. Andrew is whipping together a sushi roll, but instead of rice, he's combining parsnip and pine nuts. The rest will be raw salmon and lots of vegetables. He wants to show everyone else who The Man is. If it's The Man Who Never Listens to the Challenge Parameters, he can set up a little tent, and start charging five cents admission right now. Stephanie wonders how a few bites of sushi is going to be a hearty, fulfilling lunch.

Dale makes some lettuce cups that are really cabbage, neatly circumventing Spike's obstacle. His protein is bison meat, which he's preparing in a Vietnamese style. He explains that bison has fifty percent less fat and cholesterol than beef. Good to know. Antonia sniffs that Dale can only make Asian food. Lisa says her dish with be mainly vegetables, with the shrimp thrown into a shrimp/pineapple soy sauce. She starts her brown rice early, saying that it takes a long time. Andrew admonishes Lisa about the high cholesterol in shrimp. Lisa, who is no slouch herself in the "Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!" motif of the season, proves she's learned something by pointing out that the challenge specifically calls for low carbs and low fat, but says nothing about cholesterol. She doesn't want to be on the chopping block for good food/bad idea again, so she's trying to be careful.

Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Stephanie explains her mushroom/leek soup with meatballs, saying nothing about the squash she's stirring. Lisa's throwing some edamame into her stir-fry, and asks if Ptom dares to try her hot sauce. He dares, and from the look on his face, this sauce is no joke in the heat department. Spike is making chicken salad. We don't hear much about it, so I don't know how it differs from an ordinary, run-of-the-mill chicken salad anyone could whip together in twenty minutes. Richard is throwing rice, lentils, tuna, and quinoa into his faux burritos. After telling everyone to start boxing their food, Ptom tells us that everyone seems focused, and nobody wants to be eliminated. Fascinating.

With a little less than half an hour left, Lisa suddenly discovers that the burner under her brown rice has been turned up to high. This makes the outside burnt and the inside raw. She firmly believes that she's been sabotaged. Stephanie and Dale aren't buying, interviewing that someone, possibly Lisa herself, just made a mistake. I don't pretend to know for sure, but I'm with them. As with shady dealings in the past, if this truly was intentional sabotage, I find it odd that none of the four hundred bazillion cameras caught a glimpse of it. Besides, I find it hard to believe that people are very threatened by Lisa. Tonight's Quickfire is the sixth challenge in a row she's been at the bottom of. Not exactly a force to be reckoned with, there. She tries to salvage the rice by putting some cooking liquid on it, hoping that the microwave takes care of the rest. Time begins to wind down. Dale nearly eats it tripping over a trashcan. Spike drops a knife. People rush to put things in coolers. Spike drops more knives. Does he have an inner ear infection? Everyone wheels their coolers out, Richard's fugly pink crocs bringing up the rear.

Commercials. Watch a Bravo awards show in which Bravo gives awards to...shows on Bravo.

Police academy. Training montage. One female recruit is terrible at push-ups. The chefs pull up, and we hear what the challenge entails for like the third time. They enter the cafeteria, and have a few minutes to set up their stuff and write descriptive labels about the food and how to heat it up, if necessary. Lisa frets over her rice. Uniformed officers stride in. I fruitlessly scan for hot ones. Cops line up at the tables, and the chefs explain what they've made. Richard cheeses it up by asking everyone who approaches his table if they like burritos. He interviews something unimportant, which I only bring up to point out that he's wearing a hairband at the front of his faux-hawk, which makes him look like this. Spike makes fun of Richard's gimmick. Spike himself would never stoop to something so weak and obvious. Except that he sets out his boxed lunches two at a time, trying to make it appear like they're in demand. Ooh, what a rapscallion! Cops chow down.

Stephanie gives the judges (including Ted instead of Gail -- boo!) her mushroom and meatball soup with barley, a squash and celery root vegetable puree, and some yogurt. The cops and judges enjoy it. Spike gives Padma his chicken salad. The bread, tomato, and lettuce are all on the side, so they're unessential to the chicken salad itself, which combines grapes, olives, and jicama, but leaves out the mayo. A cop likes it, but the judges are unimpressed with how pedestrian it is, and how Spike didn't really use three of his four components. Dale hands out his lemongrass bison cabbage wrap with brown rice and an herb salad. That sounds good; I love lemongrass. Ted thinks it could use some heat, but likes it overall. Antonia gives two officers her curry beef with filet mignon, jasmine rice, berries, figs, and grape syrup. I'd be curious to try that. Padma heartily enjoys the flavors. Sam agrees in a deadpan monotone.

Andrew gives Ted a dish with four lonely little sushi bites in it. As mentioned before, it's a salmon roll with a parsnip/pine nut "rice", and some pickled ginger with wasabi. Food tidbit for you: Wasabi apparently helps fight tooth decay. Cue "The More You Know" star. The cops and judges find it strange and messy. Padma notes that Andrew didn't use any whole grain, as was stipulated in the rules. Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us! Richard asks Sam his stock question about liking burritos. Spike smirks. Richard gives Sam a grilled tuna burrito with lentils and quinoa wrapped in a rice paper tortilla. There is some hot sauce and fresh lime on the side.

Limecrete: "That looks really good."
Tiffany: "I don't know, I've never really been a big fan of tuna."
Limecrete: "That's not what I've heard."

Everyone enjoys the burrito, including an officer of indeterminate... Well... I mean, I feel entitled to make fun of the chefs all I want, as they signed up for the experience of being dissected and ridiculed. But I don't want to be too harsh with random people who find themselves on the show, unless they bring it on themselves. So it is with no judgment that I say that the person nodding their approval over the burrito isn't easily labeled, gender-wise. Ptom gets Lisa's stir-fry, which aside from the shrimp and brown rice, has some berries and yogurt on the side. Padma immediately picks up on the undercooked rice. A cop remarks on the incredibly spicy sauce, but covers his manliness by insisting that it's very good. His equally manly friend agrees that the spice isn't overpowering. The camera cuts away, and the two of them fall to floor in the fetal position. OK, not really. I'm just trying to wring some entertainment out of this. The police take their leave, and the chefs are right behind them, speculating about their chances. Dale doesn't think there's a clear winner and loser, as there has been in past challenges. The judges remain in the cafeteria to deliberate, and already seem to have their favorites and least favorites picked out.

Commercials. Guy's Face: "Thanks for the tip about these new phones. Now get off my property."

Fret 'n' sweat. As Lisa talks about her rice issues, Andrew finally catches the snap that he didn't include a whole grain, as he was supposed to. Padma enters, and summons Dale and Stephanie to Judges' Table. Obviously, these two had the favorites of the judges, though I wonder why they didn't pick a third. Dale says he wanted to make something satisfying. Ptom thinks he did a great job with texture and flavor. Stephanie says she's fairly unfamiliar with barley, but is happy with the way her soup came out. Ted says that seasoning has been a problem in some chefs' food, but that Stephanie's was done very well. Sam gets to announce the week's winner, who had the more substantial and unique food. That winner is Dale, who gets a bottle of wine and two tickets to visit the winery where it's made.

LabRat: "Why does he need two tickets? He won't find anyone who wants to go with him."

Dale smiles and thanks the judges. He's not my favorite crayon in the box, but that dish of his today certainly did look good. He's happy with his challenge track record of five wins in twenty challenges. He does not mention the five of twenty challenges in which he's been at the bottom or at least on a losing team. Padma asks him to send out this week's losers. Unsurprisingly, it's Spike, Lisa, and Andrew, so make that seven challenges in a row that Lisa's blown.

Odd Asian music. Gong. The three losing chefs trudge in, and if I had to guess, I'd say that no matter who gets chopped tonight, the other two are ripe for elimination within the next two weeks, anyway. That would leave a final four of Antonia, Stephanie, Richard, and Dale. Makes sense, doesn't it? That's my bet. I'm putting my chips down on the table. Padma asks Andrew if his dish was substantial enough for a hearty lunch. He thinks it was, given the amount of nutrients that went into it. He explains it fairly well, but slips when he says the roll would hold people for at least three hours. Ptom points out that three hours after lunch, people are still at work, and if they're hungry, that's the point that they're reaching for a candy bar. Andrew reveals that in addition to missing the whole grain part of the challenge, he missed the "hearty" part as well. I think he was just busy listening to the merry tune that plays in his head at all times.

Ted twists the knife further, asking if a raw sushi roll is relatable enough to people used to eating burgers and such. That's a little much. They're cops, not cavemen. I don't think they'd run away screaming at the sight of sushi. Andrew, starting to lose his cool, says that he'd rather serve something new that expands horizons, rather than something reminiscent of a burger. He wants to serve the "most healthiest" dish ever. You know, after the "literally buried in spinach" last week, I don't even have the strength. The consensus is that Andrew favored health to the detriment of flavor, and when he says that people came back for more, Ptom gripes that it was because they hadn't gotten enough food the first time.

Spike is asked why he did chicken salad, and instead of the honest answer ("It was the only thing I could make with the ingredients I cockblocked from the other chefs"), he blathers something about how much he likes it and how accessible it is, cribbing off the criticism of Andrew's food. What's hilarious about Spike is how he always thinks he's outsmarting the other chefs at every turn, and more often than not, winds up shooting himself in the foot, learning nothing in the process. It's like watching Wile E. Coyote fall off the same cliff every week. It's not that I expect him to graciously step aside and let his competitors win; I just think if he kept his eyes on his own paper more often, he'd do better on the test. When specifically asked if he picked his components to be to his advantage or to disadvantage everyone else, he out-and-out lies and says it was for his own advantage. The big problem wasn't even the non-use of his required components, but the combination of grapes and olives, which Ptom didn't like. Spike, just as in Block Party, blames us uncultured hicks, saying that we'd be perfectly content with the flavor combination, even if Ptom's astronomically gifted palate wasn't. You can assume my eyes are rolling so hard as to almost evacuate my head during this entire segment. Ptom says that four dishes were unquestionably better than Spike's, and Spike chooses the least successful response he possibly could, saying that that's Ptom's opinion. Ptom duhs that his opinion is kind of what counts in this competition.

Lisa is asked why she thinks she's at the losers' table, and she sneers that the judges may as well tell her, as they're the ones that brought her here. Yeah, at this point, I'd be perfectly happy with cutting all three of these people and moving on. Ptom tells her that her stir-fry wasn't really much of a stir-fry, and that several things on her plate were undercooked. The rice is mentioned, though it's far from the only thing criticized. It is, however, the only thing Lisa has a hope of defending, so she spins her sabotage theory. That theory is never resolved, so make of it what you will. Ptom reiterates that even if it were so, her food's problems extended beyond the rice.

Padma asks if anyone has anything more to say, and this where Lisa's bitch star goes supernova. She turns Andrew in for not using a whole grain. Now, we know the judges already know about that, but the chefs don't. So Lisa's accusation has nothing to do with wanting to abide by challenge rules. She's just desperately trying to dig her way out of trouble by burying someone else. And as with Spike, I don't expect the chefs to let other people win, but the way you win is by cooking good food; not by use of underhanded tricks. I know Sam knows what I'm talking about. Ass. The judges are already down on Andrew for a multitude of reasons. He's firmly in the bottom three. I'm not saying it's unfair for Lisa to have brought this up, just mighty distasteful. The judges do ask Andrew why he didn't use a whole grain, and he stupidly says he lost his rule sheet. See why Lisa's attack was so unnecessary? Andrew's got enough rope to tie his own noose and have enough left over to moor a fleet of sailboats. Lisa tries to play the integrity card, which... No. She says he would have done the same to her, which he denies. I believe him. He may be kind of psycho, but dirty tricks aren't really his style. The chefs are dismissed.

Back in the Kitchen, Andrew tries to psych Lisa out by staring all cuckoo-eyed at her, but only succeeds in psyching out Antonia. He climbs to the wrong moral high-ground, whining that Lisa selling him out is poor repayment for his friendly warning about the high cholesterol content of her shrimp. He's really reaching, as the judges never took issue with the cholesterol of her food, and as Lisa said, it's not particularly germane to the challenge. There's some tiresome blather about "shows me who you are" and "we're in a competition", and it's nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before. The judges deliberate. Ptom says that sabotage is not a legitimate excuse for Lisa, which I'm sorry, is bullshit. I don't think it was sabotage in this case, but if someone did intentionally ruin another chef's food, the victimized chef should not be penalized. And frankly, I doubt they would be, lest the show open itself up to a lawsuit. Thankfully for the judges, there was plenty else to hate about Lisa's food. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and spent so much time worrying about the game that he forgot about the food. Andrew didn't use a whole grain, and even if he had, he essentially ignored the challenge to make whatever he wanted.

More tiresome fighting in the Kitchen. Andrew brings up the bus metaphor for the second time this episode. Seriously, with the buses. He does bring up the good point that Lisa has some nerve being all judgmental about his food when she's trying to hide behind a weak "sabotaged rice" excuse. The judges make a decision, which for some reason, Padma feels the need to announce is unanimous. Neato. Andrew tells Lisa he hopes the audience gets to see how she just acted. Wish granted.

Commercials. Who needs men when you can fellate a sandwich? Right, creepy bowl-cut lady?

Elimination. All three of these chefs suck. Ptom grants that the challenge wasn't easy. He makes a weak food police pun I'll do him the favor of not exploring. Andrew didn't provide anything delicious or of substance. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and had a weird, off-putting flavor profile. Lisa should be omniscient, and said she had a stir-fry, when what she really had was a plate of steamed vegetables. He gives it over to Padma for the chopping. Andrew. Please pack your knives and go. He tells the judges that there will be no need for security guards this time.

LabRat: "They've probably got them there, anyway."

He thanks the judges, and says that he will leave with honor. Honor is one of those things you cannot praise yourself for, like modesty and class. He's almost hushed as he goes, saying that he doesn't have any problems with anyone else, as he's not going to talk to most of them again, anyway. Subtle. He says he and Spike will be BFF forever and that Lisa's weak. Yep, full of honor, that one. Lisa gets the rare interjection interview, in which she says he deserves to go for not following the rules. Of course, by that logic, Lisa should have been eliminated three weeks ago. Andrew gets some good-bye hugs in the Kitchen. Spike whines that he doesn't have any buddies left in the house. I struggle to care, and fail. Andrew proudly says that he's never been one to stick to the rules. Guess we don't have to mourn your elimination, then. See ya, Looney Tunes.

Overall Grade: C