Tiger Beat

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 2

Previously on Top Chef: Look at all the stars! Look at them try to redeem the dish that got them sent home! Look at Angelo take the win! Look at Elia be annoying! Look at her go home in last place! Seventeen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Richard bemoans his disqualification from the win, while Fabio recounts getting into it with Bourdain at Judges' Table. Like I said last week, I hope one of the chefs takes the judges to task every single week. It would be magical!

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and one of the Jonas Brothers. Yeah. I'm in my thirties, and the only significant youngster in my life is a four-year-old male. The only thing the Jonas Brothers mean to me is that they waste valuable real estate in Entertainment Weekly that I flip past in boredom. Them and Twilight. Oh, and I know that one Jonas is super fugly, but it's not this one. A lot of the chefs are as disinterested as I am, though Antonia's daughter is right in the target age group that will spend a few minutes in the year 2030 looking back at having a massive crush on stars like these with regret.

Today's challenge is to create a midnight snack for 150 kids that will be spending the night at the American Museum of Natural History. Well, I don't know about the challenge, but hot damn, would I have loved to do that as a kid. This Jonas (Joe, it turns out) will be a surprise guest at the event, and gets to select the winning snack. He explains that there won't be utensils or plates, so the snacks will have to be appropriate to be carted around in paper bags. He kids that the chefs have thirty seconds to throw everything together, and for a split second, they believe him. Heh. They actually have forty-five minutes. Ready? Go!

The chefs spring into prep. Dalel worries about how picky kids can be, and just plans on getting them hopped up on sweets. Speaking of sweets, Dalet has the bin of sugar set out on his station, which causes other chefs angst for whatever reason. It's not like he's hoarding it. And speaking of children, Tiffani recalls the challenge in which I hated her the most, and thankfully, admits what a huge asshole she was. It seems she's working as hard on improving her attitude about cooking for kids as she is on improving the food. This is a Tiffani I can get behind. A whirl of final prep -- replete with cursing streaks -- brings us to the end of the challenge.

Joe and Padma go down the line. Antonia has made a white chocolate/cherry muffin with allspice and cinnamon. Richard has microwave-baked white bread, with spiced apples, whipped honey, and crunchy chocolate. I don't really see how it can be eaten without utensils, but it sounds tasty. Spike has made potato and carrot chips, with mascarpone and marshmallow dip on the side. Tre's got a cracker with cranberry and cherry jam, and some apple smoked bacon. I love how the editors keep giving us interceding shots of the other chefs looking tense. A realer sense of what goes on during the judging slips in, as we see Jenc grinning and shooting the shit with other chefs in the background as they wait their turns.

Casey has made a chocolate and bacon lasagna, with a sprinkling of candy on top, and some apple juice on the side. Dalel admits up front that his snack is a blatant attempt to get the kids jacked up on sugar. He's made Sweet Tart nuggets with "caveman boulders" (chocolate, graham crackers, Whoppers), and chocolate sauce. He says his snack will lead to a ten-year-old rave. Ha! Antonia cracks up, while Dalet breaks out some dance moves. Jamie has made mini cheddar biscuits, with cinnamon apple sauce on the side. Tiffany has made coconut rice pudding, with grapefruit sauce on the side. DRINK! Dalet has a corn cake with dried cherries and whipped maple topping.

Fabio has dipped apples, some in white chocolate/caramel/blueberry, and some in dark chocolate, marshmallow, and candied ginger. Yes, please! Tiffani's got a Rice Krispie treat snowball, with malted milk and graham crackers. Angelo's made fried dough, with white pepper, Old Bay spice, and cheddar crumbles. I am enormously curious to try that. Stephen has got a snickerdoodle sandwich, with white chocolate, coconut ganache, apricot, and mint. DRINK! Jenc has bacon ginger taffy, with honey grilled peaches. Sounds good. Jenc laughs that if the kids don't like it, they can always whip the taffy at each other, a la snotballs. Heh. Mike has chocolate coconut corn bars, with a coconut horchata chaser. No "DRINK!" here, because this is not something that sounds tasty, but has been ruined by coconut. This sounds disgusting from top to bottom.

Results. First in the bottom three is Tiffany, whose snack was messy. Mike's chocolate flavor wasn't strong enough. Stephen's cookie was fine, but the flavors in the middle (especially the mint) wasn't strong enough. Hmm... Tiffany, Mike, and Stephen. Why, it's all the people who used coconut! Joe Jonas' stock is suddenly rising! Now, for the good news. There are two favorites instead of the usual three. Spike and Tiffani both made impressive snacks. In fact, no winner is announced right now. Padma tells the chefs that the kids will decide which snack reigns supreme. In order to get enough portions put together, Spike and Tiffani will lead teams composed of all the other chefs.

Tiffani's team is: Tiffani, Tiffany, Jamie, Antonia, Casey, Jenc, Dalel, and Tre. Spike's team winds up being: Dalet, Angelo, Marcel, Carla, Richard, Stephen, and Mike. Fabio is the last one standing, and gets to choose which team he'll join. He picks Spike's, interviewing that he doesn't care a whit that he didn't get chosen. He doesn't sell it. Dalel is pleased with the way the teams have shaken out, saying his team is like the Spice Girls and their bodyguard, and the other team is the so-called "cool guys" and "their babysitter, Carla". Hahaha! I'd forgotten how hilarious Dalel is. Prep proceeds without incident.

After all the food is separated into red and blue bags, the chefs head off to the museum. Once they're set up, a wave of children invades. They grab a bag of each snack and start chowing down. The chefs do their best to talk up their respective dishes. As promised, the kids get high on sugar, and start to have ballistic fits all over the floor. They're so jacked up, Joe Jonas' arrival doesn't cause a big uptick in enthusiasm. He leads a voice vote to see which snack wins the Quickfire, and Tiffani's easily bags it. So, she has immunity and an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. The tide of children sweeps out, but before the chefs can escape back home to get a good night's sleep, Ptom enters, and tells them that said Elimination Challenge begins this very instant.

The challenge will be to make breakfast for the kids and their parents, to be served at 7:30 AM. It's 1:30 AM right now. Ouch. The chefs will stay in the same teams, and will be creating meals in the spirit of two of the dinosaurs whose bones are looming over them right now: Brontosaurus and Tyrannosaurus Rex. The T-Rex team will be cooking with meat and meat byproducts only, while the Brontosaurus team will only have access to fruits, vegetables, and grains. Tiffani gets to choose which dino her team will represent, and she goes for T-Rex. The chefs can grab a little sleep (very little -- only forty-five minutes) in the Hall of North American Mammals before getting started on food prep. Of course, before they can even do that, they have to plan their menus.

Both teams break down into mini-teams to tackle the individual dishes they'd like to make, although they have no idea what ingredients they'll be working with. That dispensed with, the chefs turn in for their nap, although some eschew sleep altogether to have fun with this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to traipse around a famous museum in their pajamas. That would certainly be tempting. It's unlikely they'll ever find themselves in such a From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler situation again.

At 4:00 AM, the awakened chefs are turned loose on the museum kitchen. Tiffani discovers that the carnivore she has chosen to represent is just that. Carnivore, not omnivore. So, her team has no access to the lemons or limes they want to use for acid, nor flour, nor herbs. Curiously, there's no sausage for them to use, either, which you'd think would be a pretty standard component of a meat-based challenge. Prep begins. Three seconds in, Jamie slices her thumb open. The show's medic tells her she needs stitches, so she heads off to the hospital. In real life, a teammate felled by injury would be cause for concern. These, however, are chefs. And not only chefs, but reality show chefs. Your thumb had better be hanging by a tiny strand of shredded skin, swinging back and forth on your mangled ligament before you go looking for sympathy. Once Jamie's gone, the others rush to interview about how much more badass they are, and how they wouldn't let a stupid thing like gushing blood stop them from getting through the prep.

Tim: "That's nothing. I cooked through the entire duration of my circumcision".

Nobody gives Jamie a second thought once she walks out the door. Casey works on a salmon that Tre will create a sauce for. Fabio makes gnocchi. Jenc works on a pork dish that Casey interviews tastes like "wet bacon". Spew. Antonia and Tiffany have oven issues. Time winds down, and the chefs head outside to get their stations set up. Marcel snipes in interview about Angelo cutting the plums for their dish. He tries to sell this as some evil plan Angelo is weaving to discredit Marcel's food, and perhaps, in some alternate universe, we could buy that... If this weren't a shared dish amongst Angelo, Marcel, and Richard. It's kind of hard to take another guy down when it's your own food up for discussion. Jamie returns with two stitches in her thumb. The other chefs commence Round 2 of "Here's How Much Awesomer I Am Than You At Withstanding Pain".

Time runs out, and once again, the chefs are inundated with children. Antonia frets about T-Rex, because the kids don't seem interested in the frittatas she and Tiffany made. Carla frets about Brontosaurus, because the kids seem naturally more drawn to a team that's offering bacon. The judges arrive. Joining Padma, Gail, and Ptom will be the KatieBot. Oh, I guess someone finally remembered to plug her in and recharge her battery. The judges stop by Brontosaurus first. Dalet and Mike have corn grits with salsa verde. Marcel/Richard/Angelo have a banana parfait with a bunch of other seasonal fruits and tandoori maple sauce. Carla and Spike have a fruit and vegetable gazpacho. Fabio and Stephen made potato gnocchi with leeks, mushrooms, and spinach. A lot of these don't really sound breakfasty, but I get that they were kind of painted into a corner, here. Tasting. Fabio's gnocchi gets good reviews, as does the parfait. The others strike the diners as kind of so-so, though nobody has any real out-and-out complaints.

T-Rex. Antonia and Tiffany have a trio of frittatas (bacon/cheddar, ham/cheese, and chevre). Casey's salmon is topped with Tre's sauce of shrimp and apple smoked bacon. Jenc has braised bacon and topped it with hard boiled egg. Jamie stands around like a bump on a pickle. Tiffani has tenderloin with cheesy eggs that is paired with Dalel's paprika and creme fraiche Hollandaise. Tasting. Jenc's bacon is a big disappointment. Casey's salmon is well-cooked, but Tre sauce is exceptionally salty. Tre realizes that the constantly reducing sauce is causing this issue, but shrugs it off, saying he'd rather it be too salty than bland. The frittatas are unevenly cooked. Dalel and Tiffani's steak and eggs is the only dish to get universally positive feedback.

Interstitial. Fabio charms the crowd.

Fret 'n sweat. Tiffani makes the incredibly apt point to the other chefs that to her, being given a blind choice between two menu restrictions isn't much of an "advantage" for winning the Quickfire. It's true. While Ptom did tell everyone about the types of foods they'd have access to, nobody knew what ingredients they'd be working with, so Tiffani had no real leg up on anybody else. It's not the worst thing to befall someone who supposedly had an "advantage", but it merits mention. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Team Brontosaurus to the table. Once they've left, Team T-Rex starts to gripe. Assuming that Team Brontosaurus is the winning group, Dalel wonders how that can be, because he thinks their dish concepts were so bizarre for kids and their parents. Jenc responds that while they're here, everyone has to cook strictly for the judges, and leave the supposed "target audience" completely out of the equation. Dalel thinks that's selfish, and Jenc shrugs and wonders aloud if Dalel would rather win or please a crowd of people that he'll never see again. It'd be interesting to hear an answer (and in fact, a full discussion on the matter), but we immediately teleport over to...

Judges' Table. Team Brontosaurus is informed that they are, indeed, the winning team. Both the gnocchi dish and the banana parfait are roundly complimented before KatieBot is given the honor of announcing the individual winner. Well, not so individual after all: OUR. FAVORITE. DISH. TODAY. REALLY. HAD. SUCH. NICE. FLAVORS. AND. THE. WINNING. DISH. IS... THE. BANANA. PARFAIT. So, Marcel, Angelo, and Richard all share the win, which means two in a row for Angelo amongst some very stiff competition. Impressive. Marcel blahs something about how if there were an individual winner, it would have been him. Yes, you're the rapscallion of the season. We get it now. Padma dismisses the chefs, and asks to see team T-Rex.

The winners get tepid applause before team T-Rex goes out to face the music. Not the Odd Asian Music, though. He and Gong apparently have the night off. Tiffani starts right in on the judges, explaining straightforwardly and without malice how her "advantage" was anything but. Ding, ding, ding! Continued backtalk to the judges is like an extra little Hanukkah present, just for me. All Ptom can find to say is that he explained to them beforehand that their ingredients would be limited. Right, but both team's ingredients were limited, so Tiffani's point that choosing between two disadvantages is not really an advantage is still valid. Would you consider it an advantage if I told you that tomorrow, you'll either be stoned to death by pickles or suffocated in a vat of mayonnaise, but I'll give you the option of choosing which you'd prefer?

Now, to the food. It's the same problems we heard about earlier. Uneven frittatas. Spicy salmon sauce. Jenc shifts back and forth on her feet, and glares at the judges with a hugely pissed off expression. Padma notes this, and asks why. And Hanukkah continues, as Jenc unloads. She says she doesn't think the T-Rex team deserves to be in the bottom. Gail tries the old trap of asking if Jenc tasted the other team's food, but this ain't Jenc's first rodeo. She said she tasted every single bite of Team Brontosaurus' dishes, and when asked if she still didn't like it, makes a condescending clicking noise of agreement. Tiffani brings up that the Brontosaurus dishes didn't really strike her as breakfast, and KatieBot says that it bespoke a creativity that T-Rex was lacking. Sorry: THAT. T-REX. WAS. LACKING.

Ptom asks why the food wasn't plated individually, and I've got to say, if the judges feel that's a problem worthy of bringing up at Judges' Table for us all to hear about, I'm totally behind Jenc and her righteous fury. "You guys are the judges. You guys are smart enough. Why don't you say 'Hey, can I get a different plate for this?" she spits back. SWEEEEEEEEEEET. In a normal season, I wouldn't find this kind of attitude charming, preferring people to take responsibility for their mistakes. But after seven seasons of gentle deference, it is massively entertaining to see the judges taken down a peg or two. Ptom has no idea what to do with himself, haughtily stating that if the judges should be smart enough to request separate plates, so should a member of the team. Well, that wasn't her point at all, but we have some lovely parting gifts for you.

Jamie's absence from the challenge is discussed, so Antonia pops up for Round 3 of "Here's How Much Awesomer I Am Than You At Withstanding Pain". Jenc's pork dish is criticized, and she continues fighting with the judges, saying that there's no way her bacon and eggs were underseasoned. Given what Casey and the diners said about it earlier, I'd say she's most likely wrong about that. The chefs are dismissed. Christ, I feel like I should smoke a cigarette after that performance. Once the chefs are back in the Kitchen, Fabio asks how it went. "I think I yelled at the judges more than they yelled at us," Jenc says, and without missing a beat, Jamie adds "Yeah, it was pretty good!" Hahaha!

Deliberations. Ptom does his best to convince us that the judges will only consider food, and don't mind Jenc's backtalk at all. I...do not agree. Sure, if she said something like "Well, I think the pork was seasoned perfectly, so we're going to have to disagree on that," that'd be one thing, but she basically called him a moron, and well... As Bravo says, watch what happens. Tiffani and Dale had the best dish of this group. Everyone else is up for the chop, even Jamie and her lack of participation. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Once Tiffani and Dale are dismissed, reiterations of the same complaints we've already heard are leveled at the rest of team T-Rex, although Casey seems pretty blameless in this situation. So, who's next off the island of misfit chefs? Jenc. Please pack your knives and go. Needless to say, she does not agree with this decision. She spends her final interview explaining that there was nothing wrong with her dish, and exits the Kitchen in a hail of screaming and cursing. What caused the axe to fall? Food or 'tude? In any event, Jenc, you made this an episode to remember, and for that, you are truly an All-Star.

Overall Grade: A