Declaration of Independence

Top Chef - Season 12, Episode 5

Previously: The chefs went to Cheers, and Gregory really embraced the "bar" aspect of the Quickfire by spilling food all over the floor. George Wendt displayed the boredom that all of us audience members are experiencing this season. The Elimination Challenge threatened to spark some actual interest by giving us an intriguing challenge about menu design. Aaron kept on fighting, Gregory kept on winning, and my boyfriend kept on dropping off to sleep during these episodes. James and Rebecca made an unceremonious exit, and I think Rebecca just might be the chef that's made the least amount of impression on me in the history of the franchise. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback Session. Stacy is shell-shocked by how badly she and her team performed in the last challenge. I'm glad she was able to pull through, but yeah, step it up, girl. Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Jamie Bissonette, which is a name I feel like should be showing up in the Too Many Cooks intro. The theme of this week's challenges is battles, so it looks like I was right when I said "I guess Boston's current food culture is not enough of an attraction, so it's looking more and more like this season will be Quirky Challenges Regarding America's Past". This is like Assassin's Creed 3: Food Missions. Which actually sounds kind of awesome. Somebody make that game.

Anyhoo, in this week's Quickfire, half the chefs get to pick an opponent to cook against head-to-head. That opponent then gets to select a dish from a pre-set list that both chefs will make. There's no immunity, but the winning chef will get $10,000. That puts the chefs' game faces on pretty damned quick. Here's how the match-ups shake out:

Katsuji challenges Aaron, who picks smoked salmon. Doug challenges Adam, who picks mussels. Kariann challenges Stacy, who picks trout. Melissa challenges Katie, who picks BBQ. That leaves Mei vs. Gregory, and they'll be making steamed dumplings. There's naturally a lot of smack talk about who's weak, and who's a threat, and who's going down, and blah blah blah. Let's see who can back up their bluster. Ready? Go! The banter keeps up over the course of the prep, some more good-natured than others. When the dust settles, Padma and Jamie judge each pair of dishes. The winners and losers of each match-up will form a team of their own for their upcoming challenge:

Winners: Katsuji, Doug, Kariann, Katie, and Gregory
Losers: Aaron, Adam, Stacy, Melissa, and Mei

Mei looks piiiiiiiiiiised. Gregory not only beat her in the Quickfire match-up, but he is declared the overall winner, and gets to pocket the $10K. Elimination Challenge. As I just mentioned, the chefs who won their Quickfire match-ups are sorted into one team (Blue), while the losing chefs go to the other team (Red). For today's main challenge, the chefs can make whatever dish they like. They will then go head-to-head in another series of battles. Each time a team wins a battle, they get a point. First team to three points wins, and someone from the losing team goes home. The chefs may pick who participates in each battle, so this is very similar to that tennis challenge that we had such a rousing discussion about. Check the comments!

Shopping. Each team only gets $1000 to serve 100 guests, so they must split up their money and choose ingredients wisely. Which proceeds to happen with no issue whatsoever. Not that I want people pulling each other's hair over who gets to buy cumquats or whatever, but this season desperately needs a shot of adrenaline. Prep. Aaron is making a seafood noodle wrap very much like the one that edged out Katie's dish in that one Quickfire. Melissa interviews that she is confident about her soup. Then, thirty seconds later she interviews that she is concerned about her soup, because the texture isn't working out the way she'd hoped. Even the editors are too bored to pay attention to what's going on.

Service. The food is served outdoors, with people in Revolutionary War garb standing around playing with muskets. The hundred guests tear into the food, but have absolutely no say in whose dish is good or bad or better or worse than anyone else's. So...thanks for stopping by, everyone! The judges will be the ones deciding everything. Adam has taken a pseudo-leader role on the Blue team, but has the refreshing intelligence to realize that as long as he concentrates on making his own dish as good as possible, he's unlikely to be eliminated. Somewhere, Spike is watching this, smirking, then waltzing out the door to go lose yet another contest because he got more caught up in strategy than on making decent food. Aaron spills his dashi all over the ground. Mei has some instant dashi mix to loan him, which he hopes will be good enough to pull him through.

First battle. Adam goes up against Dougie. Katie screams "Go Dooooooooooooogie!" on the sidelines, causing a weary Katsuji to grumble "Please don't do that." Wooo, check out the enthusiasm of even the contestants for this season! The judges like both of the dishes, but Adam's grits with cheddar cheese, poached egg, bacon, and onion jam edges out Dougie's beef tartare. Adam's does look awfully good. The Red team earns their first point.

Second battle. Katsuji has a mini panic attack as he puts together yet another dish with forty-thousand components. Luckily, he's up against Melissa, whose soup has an extremely off-putting texture that the judges find watery and unappetizing. It's bad enough that Katsuji is able to take the battle, earning the Blue team their first point.

Third battle. Gregory goes up for Blue, so the Red team puts up Mei, which was a terrible idea. If you accept that Mei is a strong competitor (which both I and all the chefs do), the one chef you shouldn't pit her against is Gregory, who is the only person that consistently beats her. Put her up against somebody weaker so that she's more likely to grab a point. No time-traveler picks up on my brainwaves, so they are re-matched, and although Mei's strip loin in kimchi vegetables is given high marks, she cannot overcome Gregory's mushroom/coconut milk/tumeric green curry. Bad strategy, Red. The Blue team takes their second point.

Fourth battle. Kariann goes up against Stacy. A lot of Quickfire rematches are going on here, which Padma notes sardonically. I think she may be drunker than usual. No matter how much the judges disliked Melissa's soup, it's nothing compared with the revulsion that meets Kariann's herb meatball. The judges completely trash it. Stacy's marinated beets are nothing to write home about, but they're clearly better than the hated meatball, so Stacy wins the battle. The Red team gets its second point.

Fifth battle. It all comes down to Aaron vs. Katie! Aaron says that if Katie beats him, he will shoot himself in the face. Katie has made a chocolate cake with smoked sour cream, and Aaron implies that she's copped out by making a dessert. Huh? Dessert is usually what gets people kicked off the show. If anything, making chocolate cake takes far stronger stones than making a savory dish; especially a rehash of your own Quickfire entry from a couple of challenge ago. Tom essentially says the same thing. Aaron's scallop noodle and pork meatball is panned, and Katie wins the point, solidifying the Blue team's win. Katie lets out a pretty endearing Xena yell of victory.

Judges' Table. The Blue team is congratulated, and sent to the safe zone. They are shortly joined by Adam and Mei, who both made very good dishes, despite being on the losing team. Looks like Adam's strategy paid off. He's given some guff about it from the judges (and from Gregory on the sidelines, like thanks for chiming in, Golden Boy, but your opinion from the safe zone on this matter is less than essential). It's all bullshit, and Adam happily shrugs it off as such. That leaves Stacy, Aaron, and Melissa up for the chop. Stacy is a little surprised to be in danger, since she won her point. The judges tell her that she shouldn't be too proud about that, since she didn't win so much as Kariann completely blew it. There's a pretty stellar shot of Kariann's reactionary bitchface to this proclamation. All three of these chefs did pretty poor work today, but the one going home is...Aaron. Hooray!

In his final interview, he graciously admits that his personality may not be for everyone. And the Atlantic Ocean is a bit moist. I may have added that last bit. He is finally out of our lives, to the delight of everyone but his girlfriend, since the only food he's prepared for her is a knuckle sandwich. And not that I advocate violence, but Aaron did say that he'd shoot himself in the face if Katie won the point. People should keep their promises, don't you think?

Overall Grade: B-