He Can't Swim, But He Can Eat Cow Lips!

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 8

Previously on The Amazing Race: Six teams gladly left the deserts of Kuwait behind for the beautiful, yet unfamiliar shores of Mauritius. Dustin and Kandice smashed up their car, but didn't make a series of dumbass plays like a bunch of other teams, giving them the edge to come in first place. The Underdogs stuck together...and came in the last three places. Heartwarming! David and Mary brought up the rear, and were AGAIN spared elimination. Six teams still remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Nice little orgasmic eye roll Tom gives there. That must be some damn fine ice cream.

Cheerful tropical music brings us back to Mauritius, and we get a series of beautiful establishing shots. After Phil's Opening Blather, we join KanDustin, leaving the mat first at 3:00 AM. Their clue tells them to fly to Anablahblahblah, Madagascar, about 700 miles away. Some subtitles would be helpful, show. I'll go look it up. Here we go. Fly to Antananarivo. Once there, they must find the Black Angel, a statue that the teams do not know has recently been painted white. Evil. I like it. KanDustin checks their clue to see if it says anything about sticking with their old cars, which it doesn't. So they yoink one that doesn't have a smashed fender. They talk about how the other teams won't like them for it, but they don't need an alliance, and blah blah we heard this last week. Tyler and James leave the mat at 3:05 AM. I don't see how they made up that much time on KanDustin at last week's Detour, but whatever. Tyler interviews that James is "passive" (read: incompetent), so he has to step up and take the "dominant" role (read: "if I don't do everything, we'll wind up in Helena, Montana instead of Madagascar"). James points out the route to the airport on the map, saying it couldn't be easier. He interviews that he wants to pull his weight on his team, even as Tyler finds that the route James has pointed out to the airport isn't so much to the airport at all. Snerk.

They wait by the cars for RoKi, who are leaving the mat at 3:09 AM. Rob heads for the smashed car, but Kimberly wants to take a different one. I really don't know why the show (and the contestants) are making such a big deal out of this. It's a smashed fender. Nobody let the air out of the tires. There isn't sugar in the gas tank. It's already been proven to run fine. Jeez. RoKi interviews that they're trying to work on communicating without fighting all the time. They think they're getting better at it. Eh, I wouldn't say that after last week, but I will give them credit for not holding grudges. They get over their fights really quickly. Tyler consults with Rob about the way to the airport, which turns out to be pretty much the complete opposite of what James has said. Tyler hops in his car and rather mildly tells James to "fine tune" his navigation skills. I'm thinking he needs a complete overhaul. They interview that they didn't really want to make an alliance, but were forced into it by the Underdogs. Er...why? The Underdogs seem to be pretty effectively shooting themselves in the feet lately. Why pick now to be threatened by them?

Erwin and Godwin leave the mat at 4:04 AM, and let us know that the teams only have $10 for this leg. They hang around to wait for the rest of the Underdogs. Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 4:05 AM. They're not happy to see that KanDustin has yoinked their car, saying they hope it's "jacked up". Yeah, it's wrong to take someone else's car. Not that that stops Lyn and Karlyn from doing so. I don't really dislike Lyn and Karlyn, but their sense of morality (specifically Karlyn's) is really the only thing that's "jacked up" around here. David and Mary are allowed to ask locals for help, but KanDustin is not. Karlyn shoving KanDustin away from a local is acceptable, but KanDustin trying to skip Karlyn in a line is pure evil. If Karlyn parents the way she races, her kid's going to be a total Monique when she grows up.

David and Mary leave the mat last at 4:08 AM. They are marked for elimination again, which means if they don't come in first place, they incur a thirty-minute penalty. Erwin interviews that he and Godwin are trying to strike a balance between sticking with the Underdogs, and not being eliminated. It's sweet, but pretty impractical by this point. He and Godwin are the ones to wind up with KanDustin's smashed car, not that this will be a detriment in any way, shape, or form. The Underdogs convoy to the airport. Mary interviews about their possible penalty, saying that they're not giving up. That's some impressive short-term memory loss. I like David and Mary in general, and am thrilled that they got cast. That said, it's their time to go. And to be honest, after the bullshit quitting move they pulled last week, I won't be satisfied with anyone but them being eliminated this week. On the way to the airport, Lyn and Karlyn split off, thinking they have a better way to go. More blah about "we like them, but it's a race", and I think you can consider that theme sufficiently understood, show.

Very exciting music. Something thrilling must be about to happen. KanDustin pulls up to the airport. Hmm. Not what I'd consider thrilling. Karlyn crabs some more about KanDustin taking their car, even as she rides in the one she's taken. Tyler/James/RoKi arrive at the airport, and there's even more talk about the "stolen" car. Gah! It runs fine! It doesn't matter! All of you shut up! Since Tyler, James, and RoKi are all sticking together now, and because combined, the four of them use up more hair gel and Crest Whitestrips than the entire population of New England, they can be the Plastic Alliance. KanDustin finds a direct flight to Madagascar at 11:00 AM. They book it. The Plastics get the same tickets. As do the Underdogs. So again, everyone's on the same flight, but they managed to get tickets without devolving into a pissy bitchfest this week. Yay! Somehow, catching up at the airport convinces David and Mary how strong their alliance is. Um, I think the flight schedule kind of did that, guys. Not the Underdogs. David crabs at Mary about sitting in a window seat. She crabs back. Yawn.

Antananarivo, Madagascar. Let's hope I never have to send mail there. An envelope only has so much room. Locals dance around and carry buckets of water on their heads. Less traditional is the very functional airport at which the teams are arriving. Seriously, that thing looks nicer than our airport. Everyone hops into cabs and asks their drivers to head for the Black Angel. Karlyn refers to herself as the Black Angel and laughs, which I would have found funny and charming if I weren't kind of pissed at her right now. The Underdogs all get out ahead, and KanDustin interviews that they know they need to be on the ball today. In their cab, Kimberly asks Rob to confirm that breathing in all this exhaust is unhealthy. She wonders how the people in Madagascar put up with it. He tells her they die a lot younger than Americans, also partly because they don't get enough protein. I didn't notice it on first viewing, but that's a total foreshadowing burn on RoKi. Hahahaha. Awesome, editors.

David and Mary approach the lake where the Black Angel stands. They see the statue, but since it's not black, shoot right on by. As do the rest of the Underdogs. So I guess the taxi drivers don't know, either? You'd think the news of a local landmark being painted a different color (especially if color is part of its name) would be pretty widespread. Tyler and James pass KanDustin. The Underdogs are heading the wrong way by this point. KanDustin and the Plastics spot the angel, and though they can see it's white, figure that it must be the place. Yeah, I don't know how many statues of angels in lakes one city is really going to have, so smart thinking on their parts. Everyone pays their drivers and runs for the cluebox, which appears to be a Yield from a distance. Boo! I hate the Yield. But wait! It's not a Yield, after all. It's a new twist called an Intersection. The Intersection forces teams to pair up to complete tasks as a group until further notice. Oh, that rocks. That's much, much better than the Yield. The Plastics are the first two teams to the box, and they naturally join forces, which leaves KanDustin stranded. They'll have to wait for the Underdogs, and pair up with one of them. Hehehehe.

The cluebox also contains the last Fast Forward, which will allow the joined teams to skip all the remaining tasks of the leg. The Plastics figure that since they're ahead, they may as well take it. I don't know how they know they're ahead, but whatever. In this Fast Forward, the two teams make their way two and half miles to a market, and find a marked stall. Once there, each of the four people will have to eat a plate of cow lips. Once they're all done, they can go to the pitstop. The Plastics take off, leaving a dejected KanDustin behind.

Commercials. You know you're in Commercial Land when people trapped at a snowed-in airport are delighted to gather around some tacky crap that plays irritating Christmas music instead of smashing it to bits like any sane person would.

KanDustin deservedly worries that having to partner with an Underdog team could lead to their elimination. The Underdogs finally find their way to the lake and the angel. Although David/Mary and Lyn/Karlyn are first to the cluebox, KanDustin doesn't even attempt to pair up with either of them, knowing it would likely be a waste of time to ask. What's odd here is that Mary opens the Fast Forward clue, and seems interested in taking it. It's never explained if she's allowed to or not, but she'd better not be. David and Mary have used their Fast Forward. Joining with another team had better not be implied consent to do another one. KanDustin doesn't even wait for the approaching Erwin and Godwin to read their clue before exclaiming that they have to work together on the upcoming Detour. Long Sleep or Short Letter. In Long Sleep, teams go 2.2 miles to a market, where several foam mattresses are stacked. After pulling covers onto eight of them, they have to carry them one mile to a specific address. After delivering the eight mattresses, they'll get the next clue from the homeowner, who's about the cutest lady in the world. In Short Letter, teams have to go 3.5 miles to a paper-making station, and use traditional methods to produce and decorate 28 sheets of paper. Yowsa. So it's farther away and more intricate? Sounds like a no-brainer.

Mary is still dithering over the Fast Forward, while KanDustin and Erwin/Godwin race off to do Long Sleep. Either Kandice or Dustin is like "You guys are Asian, so you should be able to make paper! Hahahaha!" Erwin and Godwin are just like "Um..ha. Shut up". Rob interviews that "James, Tyler, Kimberly, and myself want to play the Fast Forward". I! Kimberly and I! Gah! In their van, Mary continues whining about the Fast Forward, and now I really want to know what the rule is. Oh, well. Instead, Lyn very intelligently explains to Mary that they don't want to head for the Fast Forward, only to find it taken and have to come back and do the Detour. Their only choice is to do the easier of the two Detour options, which is obviously Long Sleep. Mary accepts this. Meanwhile, KanDustin and Erwin and Godwin are agreeing that teaming up is pretty much win/win for these two teams. Yeah, I don't really see Lyn/Karlyn or David/Mary tearing up the pavement on either of these two Detours.

The Plastics arrive at the Fast Forward. As they run by the meat carts, Kimberly gets a knowing, unhappy look on her face. Aw. They reach the marked stall and find out that each of the four members has to eat a plate of cow lips. Heh, the plates that have the cow lip piles also have a pretty flower pattern on them. The Plastics begin eating, and any hope that cow lips just seem kinda gross goes right out the window. They really are that gross. They still have bits of hair and teeth embedded. Eeeeewwwwww. Kimberly's already gagging. Meanwhile, KanDustin is surmising that Erwin and Godwin are the leaders of the Underdogs, which they deny. KanDustin isn't fooled. The Bottom Feeders (Mary/David/Lyn/Karlyn) are all snottily congratulating themselves on not having to work with KanDustin. Yeah, working with the girls who consistently get a high placement would have sucked. Better to hang out with your slow-ass friends. Everyone arrives at the Detour, and starts to grab mattresses. The Plastics chew. Slowly. There's some talk of ditching to go back to the Detour, but Rob and James correctly figure that it's too late for that now. They're locked into the cow lips. Heh.

Back at the Detour, people are pulling hideous mattress covers onto their mattresses. Erwin and Godwin are glad that working with KanDustin is so efficient, but feel a little bad about competing against the other Underdogs. I almost wondered if Erwin and Godwin were going to intentionally sink themselves on this task, hoping to allow the others to get ahead of them, then try to outrun KanDustin to the mat later. It would have been dumb, but I wouldn't put a wacky scheme like that past the Chos. The Plastics have slowed down even more, to the point that they have to take little breaks between pieces of meat. David and Mary gripe at each other as they pull on mattress covers. KanDustCho is done, and gets the address for the mattress delivery. Erwin and Godwin send KanDustin out to get help, because they're so pretty and blonde and such. I'd put that on par with KanDustin's Asian crack, except the Chos have seen KanDustin work the crowd before. And it's not as if KanDustin is anxious to shed their "pretty girl" stereotype either. Anyway, Dustin flags someone down who's willing to help. The Bottom Feeders are still pulling their covers on when KanDustCho leaves, but manage to get going eventually. I believe that both groups have stupidly decided to leave their bags behind, I guess just hoping they aren't stolen while they're gone.

KanDustCho wends their way through the narrow streets with their mattresses, each team carrying four. The Bottom Feeders take a different approach, and use the straps of their fanny packs to bind all eight mattresses into one giant pile. The Plastics continue choking down their cow lips. James is the only one who's any good at it, and FINALLY! He can do something! Too bad "eat gross stuff" isn't a life skill that's liable to pay off very often. KanDustin has dropped two of their mattresses, but notice it pretty quickly. Well, I should hope so. It's not like dropping a penny. As they stop to pick them up, the guy who was leading them to the correct address is sprinting up ahead. I have no idea why he's not waiting. The Bottom Feeders have issues of their own, because did I mention the narrow streets? Not very conducive to carrying a gigantic pile of mattresses. There's a lot of "bro" going on with the Plastics. It doesn't speed them up. The Bottom Feeders can't lift their mattress pile over some cars! The Plastics can't choke down their cow lips! KanDustCho can't find their guide! Problems abound.

Commercials. L'Oreal has created a lipstick shade just for Eva Longoria. Peachy. Why tell the rest of us about it?

The Bottom Feeders' mattress pile falls apart. KanDustCho has lost their guide, but one of the girls somehow remembers the address, and is able to figure out which way to go from that. This is why I like KanDustin, despite their tendency to be overly smug. The Plastics eat cow lips. KanDustin's mattresses get stuck up on some wall, and they come up with the idea to temporarily abandon them, confirm the address, then come back and get them. That sounds awfully convoluted, but it could work to their advantage, I guess. And now, my favorite part of the episode begins, because the Plastics are starting to talk about how they don't really need to hurry at the cow lips, because the other teams have to get through a Detour and a Roadblock. No rush at all. Take your time, Plastics! KanDustCho finds the correct address, and runs back to get their mattresses. The Bottom Feeders drag their gigantic pile along. Mary has a lot of fun interacting with the local kids, telling one of them to push her back as "help". Aw. David isn't interested in kicking back with the locals. He wants to get going on these mattresses. KanDustCho delivers theirs, and the adorable homeowner hands over the next clue.

The clue tells them the partnership formed by the Intersection is now dissolved. Everyone has to travel four miles, and get to the... Ready? Tohotohobato Ambondrona Analakely. Good God, Madagascar. That's an impressive name for a staircase. KanDustCho (or more appropriately now, KanDustin and Erwin/Godwin) go back for their bags. The Bottom Feeders have walked too far with their mattresses and have to turn around. They're not called the Bottom Feeders for nothing. Cow lip eating. Rob tries to encourage Kimberly, and she (very mildly) tells him not to bother her with that right now. Instead of pulling a Peter and continuing to harangue her, he backs off. Yay! He interviews that they're learning when to push, and when to let the other person "experience" what they're going through. Right now, Kimberly's experiencing vomit. KanDustin makes it back to their bags first, and manage to get the first available taxi, because they were running instead of Erwin and Godwin, who are just strolling along. More blah from both teams that we've heard before (KanDustin: "We both benefited from that grouping" -- Erwin/Godwin: "Wah, we had to work against the Bottom Feeders"). Speaking of whom, they struggle along with their now separated mattresses.

Cow lip eating. The guys talk about it being a bonding experience, and Kimberly throws up again. There's something poetic in that. KanDustin worries about having fewer teams behind them, thanks to the double Fast Forward. Erwin and Godwin's cab breaks down, because it doesn't have enough gas in it. Some guys start pushing it towards a gas station. I'd wonder why the cab driver would take a fare with such an obviously low gas supply, but I've seen the rest of this episode. KanDustin reaches the staircase (don't make me type its name again!), and rips the clue. Roadblock! Phil explains that this staircase (and others like it) connect the upper and lower districts of the city. On the staircase are several vendors, some of whom sell rubber stamps. The Roadblocker will have to search among these vendors to find the four who carry specific stamps: a boat, a plane, a train, and a car. Once all four of the vendors have stamped the clue, the Roadblocker will make their way alone to the pitstop, the beautiful Cathedral Andohalo, where their partner will be waiting for them.

Dustin takes it on. Meanwhile, the Plastics continue bragging that once they're done, they can go right to the pitstop. Mwahahahaha! Erwin and Godwin get gas. The Bottom Feeders finally reach their address, which is different from the one KanDustCho went to. They get the clue that directs them to the staircase, and go back for their bags. Erwin and Godwin reach the staircase, but have trouble spotting the clue box. Dustin searches among the stamps. This is really freaking exciting. At the pitstop, Kandice arrives to wait. There are musicians and dancers in front of the cathedral. Phil dances along with the greeter a bit. Hehehe. Kandice decides to pass the time by dancing as well. I really love this episode. Dustin finds her car stamp. James finishes his cow lips. Go, Dustin, go! She passes Erwin and Godwin on the stairs, who ask her if she's got the clue. She says something indistinct, but they spot the clue in her hand, and know they've walked too far. They turn around. Dustin finds her boat stamp. Go, Dustin, go! Erwin and Godwin spot the clue box, and Godwin takes the Roadblock. The Bottom Feeders search for their bags. It'd serve them right if they'd been stolen.

Rob finishes his cow lips. Go, Dustin, go! The Bottom Feeders find their bags and get going. Dustin finds her airplane stamp. Godwin finds the airplane as well. Erwin arrives at the pitstop. He and Kandice banter a bit, but agree that they hope the Fast Forward sucked. They're in luck. Cow lip eating. No hurry at all. Dustin finds her final stamp. Yes! She rips her final clue. I have no idea where she got it from. A stamp vendor? A cameraman? And here we are at the part that ensured this episode gets an A. Tyler: "No team is going to finish a Detour and a Roadblock ahead of us." Rob: "We're going to be so far ahead of them." James: "Right now, they're probably plowing some field or something. Just sweating and hating life." Cut to Dustin heading for the pitstop, smiling and talking about how much she liked this challenge. Awesome. Go, Dustin, go! More Plastic bragging.

The Bottom Feeders are still heading for the staircase. Cow lip eating. Godwin finds his car stamp, and the boat one not long after that. Kimberly says she needs to take a breather. Rob's like "Sure, no problem!". No hurry at all. "We're going to have a good lead!" "We're golden! We're so golden!". Man, I love it. Kimberly barfs again.

Commercials. So if I eat Brooklyn-style pizza, will I be as annoying as the people in this ad? Because I kind of want to avoid that.

Replay of the almost appalling levels of Fate-tempting going on at the Plastics. Tyler finishes his cow lips. Oh, no! Go, Dustin, go! Shots of all the teams making various progress. Kimberly finishes her cow lips. The Plastics get their pitstop clue. Noooooo! Go, Dustin, go! The Plastics get into taxis. Rob gets a kiss from Kimberly, which, ew. She's just thrown up, like, four times. Tyler smarms that the other teams couldn't possibly be ahead, unless they "ran a miracle". Dustin's in her cab. Godwin gets his final stamp. Guess what? Dustin's cab needs gas. Nooooooo! She asks the driver to just get a little bit. David and Mary reach the staircase, and Mary takes the Roadblock. Lyn and Karlyn aren't far behind, and Lyn takes it. The Plastics ride. Dustin gets going again. Go, Dustin, go! And...Godwin's cab needs gas. Seriously, what's the scheme here? Do they get to keep the meter running while they gas up? Do cab drivers in Madagascar have to pay for fuel out-of-pocket, so they keep their levels low? I don't get it.

RoKi gets out of their cab, and finds someone willing to lead them to the cathedral. Auuuuugh! Go, Dustin, go! She rides. Tyler and James ride. RoKi runs. Someone approaches the pitstop. Who will it be? It... Is... Dustin! Yes! She and Kandice gleefully run towards the mat, and Erwin is frustrated. Did he really expect Godwin to overtake Dustin on the stamp-finding task? Welcome, KanDustin. You are team number one. Yay! They jump and celebrate, then win a trip to Hawaii. Whee! They hug Phil, who tells them that they've beaten the Fast Forward teams. They're thrilled, though that doesn't excuse the horrible stamp-related pun Kandice makes in their final interview.

Mary finds the airplane stamp. Tyler and James hit the mat as team number two, so these teams must be really close together. They seem subdued, but pleased. I was hoping their jaws would drop and they'd ask how someone beat them. Maybe they think it was RoKi. Mary's not going to change who she is to win a million dollars, and blah blah friends. RoKi checks in as team number three. Kimberly's like "I ate cow lips for three?". Mary finds her train stamp. Godwin arrives at the pitstop and he throws himself on his stomach in front of Phil, who recoils in disgust. "Am I safe?" Godwin asks. Insert slow clap here. They're team number four. Lyn finds her car stamp. David waits around at the pitstop. Mary finds her car stamp. Karlyn arrives at the pitstop, and says that they did the best they could to keep the Underdogs together, but accept that someone could be eliminated. Mary finds her final stamp, and heads for the pitstop. She cries on her way to the pitstop, because having interacted with the kids of Madagascar all day has made her miss her own.

Lyn searches. Mary rides. Lyn finds the boat stamp. Mary arrives at the cathedral, and she and David step onto the mat. They're marked for elimination, and have to stand aside for their thirty-minute penalty. Mary knows that either she or Lyn/Karlyn are getting eliminated, which depresses her. Lyn finds her airplane stamp. Then her train, which means she's done. David and Mary wait at the pitstop, and they don't show us a countdown clock, because I suspect that Lyn isn't too far behind. And...Lyn's cab has to stop for gas. Daaaaamn. That sucks. David and Mary have already given up (again), and David tells Mary that he's proud of her. Lyn crabs about the gas, but gets going again pretty quickly. Mary says that she and David tried their best, and that's all that matters. Not to harp on a sore subject, but NO YOU DIDN'T. Exciting music. Lyn arrives at the pitstop, and she and Karlyn check in as team number five. They wait on the mat as David and Mary are called in and eliminated, with twenty minutes still remaining on their penalty.

They talk about how proud of each other they are, and how their lives are changed forever, and I certainly don't doubt it. Lyn cries as she says that they've formed a lasting friendship with David and Mary, and hates to see them go. Aw. Karlyn looks relatively unmoved, which makes sense. They have a group hug. Mary says that seeing the world has made her appreciate where she's from, but also appreciate that she can take her kids out to experience the world. It's a whole "new book" for them now. Not just a new chapter in the old one. Beautiful. Terrific episode.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Lyn and Karlyn get a video message from home, and they burst into tears. People get stuck in the mud.

Overall Grade: A+

The Girl Who Wrecks the Car

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 8

And....action! Literally. This week's challenges are all about looking good while in motion. First, the girls pretend to play volleyball, which Anchal can't get into. Then, the girls pretend to attack a NASCAR driver, which Anchal can't get into. Then, the girls get their photo taken in an awesome windtunnel, which Anchal can't get into. Then, the girls have a Mad Libs judging challenge, which Anchal can't get into. Finally, six girls survive to compete in next week's episode, which Anchal can't get into.

Food for the People

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 3

Previously on Top Chef: Once again, the Quickfire Challenge never existed. The chefs split into two teams to serve Asian food to a large crowd. At first, it seemed like Team Vietnam was going to blow Team Korea out of the water, simply because they were better organized, smarter, and more cohesive. But in a shocking twist, that's exactly what happened. Otto was the first to point out that Team Korea didn't pay for their lychees, so it became his fault from then on out. Marisa's bitch flag flew proud, but the stigma of the lychees was too intense, and Otto bowed out of the competition. Thirteen cakesniffers remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Los Angeles. Aaaah! The first shot is a closeup of a bee! Get that thing away from me! Dogs frolic in the streets. Over at the Cellblock, Frank is snoring loudly, despite a nose strip. Really loudly. Bringing those earplugs was a good idea. Sam looks like he wants to shoot somebody, but then, he always looks like that. Marcel takes out his earplugs and tosses them at Frank, trying to wake him up. How on Earth does Marcel's hair keep its shape overnight? Never mind, I don't think I want to know. He brags about his superior knowledge in "avant-garde molecular gastronomy". Ever watch those ITT Technical Institute commercials? Ever notice that the longer the job title someone gives themselves, the less impressive the actual job is? Yeah, me too. Betty interviews that each of the chefs has strengths and weaknesses in different areas. She says that she, Mia, and Michael are good at comfort food, while Cliff, Sam, Ilan, and Emily (though her name is awkwardly edited in -- nice attempt at foreshadowing, show) excel at "fine dining". Michael interviews that he's not trying too hard at the challenges, hoping to be in the middle of the group, so that other people don't think he's a threat. Which would be a great plan, except that he's probably about as threatening as a Tinkerbell sticker on his best day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs stream into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma, who's wearing...hotpants? Whatever. Padma tells the chefs that although they may be used to working in fine dining restaurants, only 38% of Americans eat in fine dining restaurants. I'd be curious to know what defines a restaurant as a "fine dining" establishment. Can any bistro that jacks up the price of their oyster sandwich qualify? Does it have to get a certain number of four-star reviews? Does a place make the switch from a regular restaurant to "fine dining" if they call their shrimp "prawn"? Padma tells the chefs that their challenges this week will be about cooking for the man-on-the-street. Significant shots of Sam, Ilan, and Emily. The Quickfire Challenge this week will be to create an original ice cream flavor. Marisa's excited, because she excels when it comes to desserts. Panna whatta? The chefs are given access to a wide array of fruits and sweets, as well as an ice cream maker. So no struggling along like poor Harold. Heh. The chefs have two hours and forty-five minutes to make three quarts of ice cream. Cliff is nervous, having never made ice cream before. Nothing to it, Cliff. If my ninth grade science class can make it, so can you. Although I hope yours turns out less mushy. When the ice cream is finished, the chefs will serve it to people on the beach. Ready? Go!

Betty recaps the challenge we just heard about four seconds ago. Are they going to do that every week? It's really irritating. Like Cliff, Betty has never made ice cream before. She's basically flying blind. Carlos, worried about the time limit, goes for the avocados, saying that they give the consistency of eggs without the worry of having to heat, then cool them. Interesting. I love learning nifty little facts about food like that. Emily has been hearing good things about the combination of chocolate and lavender lately, so that's what she's doing. Sounds good. Sam doesn't even eat sweets (since he's diabetic), let alone make them. Cliff's just throwing together stuff that sounds good, like cookies and marshmallows and such. Ilan wants to do something different, by combining waffles and bacon. I love bacon to an insane degree, but in ice cream? I don't know. Marcel says he's working on creating new "flavor profiles". Twenty seconds in, and he's already forgotten who his customers are going to be. He's using bacon and avocados. Ilan is a bit put off to see that someone else is using bacon, but stops worrying when he tastes Marcel's stuff and finds it disgusting. His face actually crinkles in revulsion as he walks away. Marcel asks how it was, and Ilan's like "It's nice!". Hehehe. Work montage. Time winds down. Marcel is happy that his ice cream has the right consistency, because a lot of other people's are still liquid. Nobody else seems too worried that his "flavor profile" is going to blow them out of the water. The chefs pick up their ice cream and file out.

Redondo Beach. People frolic in the water. The chefs line up, and Frank notes that there are children packed in "three hundred" deep. Heh. They're actually cordoned off with one of those vinyl straps you see in banks. Emily says that she was "hoping the demographic was not going to be a bunch of snotty little kids. It was a bunch of snotty little kids. I hate kids." Officially, I should be up in arms about what sort of demographic was she expecting, and how dare she make such a blanket statement, and blah blah blah. Unofficially? That was hilarious. Padma explains that the crowd is going to vote for their favorite flavor. Get to serving!

People start eating off those little plastic tasting spoons. Betty works the crowd. We see a bunch of the flavors we didn't see before. Marisa has made vanilla peanut and swirls. Swirls of what? Help me out, subtitles. Marisa finds the challenge a lot more chaotic than she thought it was going to be. I'm not sure how this challenge could get any more man-on-the-street, so I don't understand her confusion. The kids dig Cliff's marshmallows. That's not a euphemism. Michael has combined peanut butter, jelly, and bananas. Intriguing. Betty has made berry ice cream, and is topping it with chocolate sauce. Ilan admits that people either loved or hated his bacon and waffle ice cream, but that he himself is very pleased with it. If only you could judge yourself every week, Ilan. I want to like Ilan, but he's kind of prissy. Carlos has combined avocado, vanilla, and marshmallow. He interviews that he played up the vanilla and marshmallow when talking to kids, and the avocado when talking to adults. Smart.

Sam has made a ginger snap and citrus crumble, which sounds awesome. He interviews that he was voted one of New York's ten sexiest chefs, which makes him flirt better. I'm not going to pretend he's ugly, because he's so not. But shut up, Sam. David is ten times cuter than you. Emily says Sam is going to win, because the preteen girls think he looks like Ashton Kutcher. Hahaha. And there's someone else who's inexplicably considered hot. Marcel tries to peddle his avocado and bacon, and some people don't even want to try it. He interviews that when he saw his clientele, he was worried, because what he made probably doesn't appeal to the general public. Gee, if only Padma had explicitly told them that the general public would be the ones sampling the ice cream. Curse her for telling everyone that it would be sampled by nineteenth century London bootblacks! A woman tries it and wrinkles her face in disgust. Mia gleefully interviews that she saw kids spitting it out and wiping their tongues with their napkins. Daaaamn. That's how you know how nasty this shit was. Nobody likes to do that. Josie has made a peach cobbler ice cream. Sounds good. She worries that the vote's going to be a popularity contest. Emily has made "calming" chocolate with lavender. I'm not sure what makes the chocolate calming. Did she toss some Valium in there? She interviews that one lady told her there wasn't enough sugar in it, and says that the "last thing you need with your four teeth and your huge ass...is SUGAR." Again, just envision me giving a stern lecture about kindness here so you don't notice me cracking up. The ice cream runs out, and Padma sends the chefs back to the Kitchen.

Kitchen. Padma's in jeans now, so who knows when this was filmed? Half an hour later? The next day? The chefs file in. Padma delivers the bad news first. The first person in the bottom three is Marisa, who has yet to make an edible dessert, despite it being her LIFE'S WORK. Good thing she has that "sexuality" to fall back on, eh? Also in the bottom three is Emily, so the fat-assed public has gotten their revenge. And last place obviously goes to Marcel, who'd probably have been better off combining battery acid and fingernail clippings. Now, the good news. Carlos and Sam tied for runner-up. They bump fists. And the winner of the Quickfire challenge and immunity for the week is... Cliff, for the second week in a row. See, cookies will never steer you wrong. He's pleased. Marisa sour grapes that she's less confident, due to Cliff's win, which she didn't think had anything to do with the quality of his ice cream. Now I really want to know why she thinks he won, but we never find out. Damn. It'd be nice to know just how deluded she is.

Elimination Challenge. Padma brings in the guest judge of the week, Stephen Bulgarelli, who is a senior director of TGI Friday's (aka Sure I'll Eat There, If It's The Closest Restaurant To The Movie Theater Where We're Meeting). The challenge will be to create a dish that will appeal to a TGI Friday's guest, so Marcel's probably already brainstorming about Peking duck. Marisa's worried, because she's used to making "high-end" food. And she's clearly been so great at that. Stephen expands on the challenge by saying he's looking for an entree that encompasses a childhood favorite, but with an adult appeal. The winning entree will be featured on the menus of TGI Friday's nationwide. Everyone's excited, especially Betty. Padma gives them the afternoon to shop, and two hours to prepare the food. Then they'll finish up the preparation at a local firehouse, where their dishes will be served. Josie says that she has several firemen friends, and that they're "unsung heroes". Not to take anything away from firemen, whom I deeply admire and often lust after. But they're about the most sung heroes of American society. There's just one more piece of business. Padma makes the disclaimer that Michael used to work for TGI Friday's. Shocking. He interviews that he's pretty confident in this challenge, and why not? Create chain restaurant food? This challenge may as well be called Knock Me Out of the Park, Michael. Padma says that his previous employment will not be to his benefit or detriment in the challenge, and turns the chefs loose.

Grocery store. The chefs have half an hour to shop, and $100 budget. Marcel worries, because he's not into comfort food. Well, sure he's not. He's not interested in anything two syllables or fewer. Michael interviews that he's going to make a steak sandwich, saying that firemen want a bunch of meat and potatoes. Chefs check out. This looks like a pretty high-end store, so I wonder why they're bagging their own food. Emily does her version of the "poor me, I make high quality food" aria, which I'm pretty much over by now. I don't see how chefs could learn to make specialized food without learning the basics first. How could someone know how to make rack of lamb, but not a hamburger? How could you excel at Eggs Benedict, but falter on a cheese omelet? It makes no sense to me. In any event, Emily says she's going to try and do a surf and turf. Michael stocks his cart with beer for himself. It actually puts him over-budget, and he considers sacrificing some of the cheese for his dish so he can afford his stupid booze. My eyes roll so hard, I affect the tides in Australia. Sam suggests that he actually, you know, BUY THE INGREDIENTS FOR THE CHALLENGE, but we never see if Michael relents. Sam interviews that Michael is out of his mind. Looks like his plan to not be taken as a threat is going swimmingly.

Commercials. TGI Friday's. Hey, do they sponsor this show? Uncanny!

Kitchen. Everyone gets going right away. Cliff says he's doing a twist on macaroni and cheese with fishsticks. He says he has yet to meet someone who doesn't like mac and cheese. This is where I'd insert the name of the person I know who hates it, if such a person existed. Which they don't. Because mac and cheese is terrific. Josie chops stuff as a "zen-like way" of taking out her frustrations. I opt for the video games myself. You'd be surprised how calming it is to take out a legion of zombies. Ptom comes in for this week's Ptimewasting. Feh. Betty asks if it's against the rules for him to taste her soup. He says it's not against the rules to taste it; he just can't comment on it. She says she's going to read the signals in his eyes, which he cleverly foils by closing them. They both giggle. I feel like Betty is playing Ptom like a violin, which pleases me no end. Frank tells Ptom he's making "Alice in Wonderland's Mushroom Fantasy". Hopefully, his dish won't make you shrink away or sprout into a giant. Actually, I take that back. That would be sweet. Ptom asks if his childhood memory is a drug trip. Hey, Ptom made me laugh! Surely, Hell has a new icicle. Frank explains that it's one of his daughter's favorite movies. Yeah, I haven't seen it in a while, but I remember loving it.

Ptom moves on to Emily, catching her just as she's about to take a huge bite of her food. He commends her on tasting her product before serving it. Loud sirens start going off all over the place. Not really, but they may as well have. Sam is chopping up peppers, watermelon, and pineapple. I like all those things, though I'm not sure how I'd feel about the mix. Michael tells Ptom that he not only used to work for TGI Friday's, but that his brother is a fireman. Ptom tells him he's got too many "inside tracks". He's ostensibly kidding around, but you know Ptom likes nothing better than knocking people on their supposed expertise. Marisa is making a fruit crisp. How that qualifies as an "entree" is beyond me. Seriously, do these people ever listen to the challenge? Marcel is working with pork chops, mashed potatoes, and onion rings. Sounds good. And hard to ruin. He soaks the onion rings in buttermilk, and interviews that if he were eliminated on a casual dining challenge, it would be a huge blow. If Marcel were eliminated tonight, I'd want to do some huge blow. He's working next to Betty, and lectures that the key to good breading is to keep one hand dry at all times. His voice has a kidding, almost fake "aren't I a genius" tone to it, but Betty seems to take it at face value, interviewing that Marcel's pontificating is getting on her last nerve. She disdains his lack of knowledge in the field of comfort food, saying that what truly sets a chef apart is versatility. Work montage. Time runs out. Cliff throws his hands in the air, like, "I'm not working anymore! No cheating here!" Heh.

The chefs are driven to a South Pasadena fire station. It'd be funny if the fireman were called out on an emergency during the meal, but I'm afraid that's not going to happen. The chefs stream in to meet the judges, and AAAAAHHH! What the fuck is Ptom wearing? Is that an...open leopard print shirt? Ew. Nice threads, Leisure Suit Larry. Padma tells the chefs that they'll have fifteen minutes to finish their food, and will then serve it individually. The chefs wander up to the kitchen. Firemen come in and seat themselves at tables with TGI Friday's stripes on them, like, we know who's sponsoring the show, already. Each of the judges sits with a table of firemen. Gail gets the cutest ones. Not that I can really focus on anything but that AWFUL, AWFUL shirt Ptom's wearing. A fireman says that they like meat, of course, but try to keep a balanced diet, overall.

Up in the kitchen, Michael finishes battering his onion rings, and drops them into a deep fryer. He interviews that there's no reason to get all flustered. Well, sure. Why not buy beer with your food budget? Why try to do anything creative with the challenges? This is, after all, Mediocre Chef. He puts his steak sandwiches together, and interviews that he thinks he's going to win. He heads downstairs and serves everyone, not knowing he's being greeted with the Music of Doom. He explains that there are three cuts of steak in the sandwiches, along with two kinds of cheese (ah, I guess he ditched the beer after all) and onion rings on the side. There's also some kind of dip. Au jus, maybe? Gail finds the sandwich really messy, and Stephen thinks it's overcooked. Ptom calls it greasy, chewy, and flavorless. One of the firemen thinks it's just sloppy, from presentation to taste. So Michael has pretty much blown the one challenge he should have dominated. Loser.

Marcel, you'll remember, also has onion rings, and is getting ready to put them in the deep fryer. He finds that the temperature has been turned down, and starts to complain to the other chefs that it's not hot enough. But it wasn't hot enough when Michael started either, was it? Betty interviews that instead of doing anything to fix the problem, Marcel started to "piss and moan". Elia comes back to try and help him salvage the rings, which he seems strangely ungrateful for. I guess he's happiest when he's got something to complain about. He winds up deciding that he can't serve the rings, and tosses them. This is all Michael's fault, of course. I can see not being happy when a chef turns down the temperature of a fryer or oven when they know you have to use it, but again, it's not like it was pre-warmed for Michael, who had the same amount of prep time. I don't completely understand the situation here, so I'm hesitant to be all "That Marcel is such an ASS!" Still? It kind of seems like he's being an ass. He takes down the pork chops and mashed potatoes. He says he made a mushroom sauce and some cabbage with bacon, as well. Sounds good. As long as the potatoes don't have lumps. Everyone seems to like it. Marcel comes back up and passive-aggressives some more about the deep fryer. Betty has lost all patience with him. Marcel asks if it's fair that he doesn't get to use a deep fryer, while other people get to use two. I'm so confused. What "people"? Wasn't Michael the only one in front of him? Also, two deep fryers? Where was the other one? Betty snaps that anything the chefs can do to fuck Marcel up is fair, and while I certainly have no love for smarmy Marcel and his "molecular gastronomy" and duck-ass hair, what the fuck?

Commercials. Baseball is enjoyed all over the world. Soccer who?

Sam prepares his dish. Meanwhile, the Marcel/Betty fight rages in the living room area. Sam interviews that the fight was obtrusive. Yeah, I can imagine it's hard to work when people are sniping at each other five feet away. Marcel asks Betty what he ever did to her, and if she just doesn't like him. "You're a selfish, self-centered, egotistical bastard," Betty responds. Well, that pretty much sums it up. So I guess this fight has nothing to do with the deep fryer; Betty just hates Marcel. And he is rather hateable. I just don't know if I disagree that he got hosed on this challenge. Assholes may be assholes, but they still deserve to compete fairly. Marcel interviews that he is "appalled" that Betty called him on all of these issues. He begins to respond, but Betty shuts him down, saying that she'd be happy to keep on fighting with him as soon as Sam is done preparing his food. Sam appreciates that. He goes down to serve everyone, saying that he doesn't think anyone was "as innovative as myself". I! As innovative as I! Jesus Christ, with the "myself" shit lately. Sam presents his summer fruit salad, which looks really, really good. Everyone loves it. One of the firemen likes that it's something you wouldn't eat at home, taking the opportunity to bash Michael's steak sandwich again. Another fireman is sopping up as much of the vinaigrette as he can. One of his buddies tells him he can get a straw if he likes, and Padma cracks up. Hehe. I just love having a host with opinions and a personality. And a pulse.

Emily cooks. I just noticed that she doesn't have eyebrows. What's up with that? She reiterates her unfamiliarity with casual dining food. Yeah, we've got it now. She presents her "super slamming" surf and turf, and leaves. Everyone hates it. I wonder if she hopes the "super slamming" would get her through. The main criticism is that it's far too salty. Gail can barely get it down. Really? That salty? Upstairs, everyone watches with amusement as Frank puts together his little forest of mushrooms. Michael laughingly interviews that Frank was so proud of his dish, but it wound up being a trainwreck. I guess Michael is as good at self-awareness as he is at everything else. Frank presents his dish. Gail says she feels like she's in Smurfland. Hehe. I wish she had started singing the theme song. Which is now running through my head. Thanks for nothing, Gail. The judges and firemen don't really know what to make of it, calling it bizarre. Someone (Stephen maybe) says that it would be a difficult dish to pull off in a restaurant. Ilan presents his bacon-smoked roasted corn. I really want to know how to make that. It looks fantastic. Padma makes yummy noises.

Cliff presents his "grown up" mac and cheese, with fishsticks. He's glad to have immunity, but still hopes to win the challenge. I think the producers force everyone with immunity to say that at gunpoint. Gail thinks it's spicy, and I can't tell whether she thinks that's good or bad. One of the firemen can't get enough, forcing Padma to tell him not to "bogart the plate". Josie has made Miami-style BBQ steak skewers with fire-roasted salsa. Sounds good, and perfect for a chain restaurant. Elia has made shrimp and fish tacos, with guacamole and fried beans. Meh. Carlos has made chicken-fried shrimp with corn, red pepper, and lime salad. Man, that sounds tasty. I've already had dinner, and I'm getting hungry again. This damn show. Mia has made a meatloaf sandwich with fries and a spicy ketcharella. The internet, usually so willing to give me all the information I could ever want (and more) has come up empty on "ketcharella". Your guess is as good as mine. Everyone hates the fries. Marisa somehow knows the TGI Friday's dessert menu by heart, saying it lacks a fruit crisp like the one she's making. It's made of strawberries, and has a pecan-strudel top with orange caramel sauce. I'm not the biggest strudel fan, but it sounds good. The firemen enjoy it. One of them tells Stephen that he has got to put it on the menu. "Thank you!" Stephen says, as if he just whipped it up himself.

Upstairs, Betty is having problems grilling her sandwiches. It seems the griddle isn't hot enough. Why, that's the very problem Marcel was having! And guess who's right there to rub Betty's nose in it? I'll say right now that the show never suggests that Marcel intentionally fiddled with the temperature to get back at Betty, and I've seen shockingly little conspiracy theory on this at the various sites I visit. Normally, people fall all over themselves to root out dirty dealings, but nobody seems to think this was fishy. Strange. Marcel just says that he was all up in her grill (pun intended) as an "intimidation factor". Too bad he's about as scary as a ladybug. She calls him annoying, and asks him to be quiet while she's cooking. He starts to say something else, and the rest of the chefs tell him to shut up. Cliff interviews that in Betty's position, he would have stopped cooking and punched Marcel in the head. And Cliff's one of the more laid back contestants! I'm sensing Marcel won't be taking home the Miss Congeniality crown this season. The chefs count down Betty's time and cheer when she finishes. Heh. A little lonely out there on that limb, Marcel? Betty goes downstairs to serve. While she's gone, Elia tells Marcel that every time someone says something bad about him, she always stands up for him. It turns out that they've worked together in the past. You'll note she never says that all of the things that people say about Marcel are incorrect, so I wonder what the point of her bringing it up to him was.

Marcel says that he knew he was going to be the "odd man out" in this competition. Aw, poor Marcel. It's not like he's actively trying to garner attention, say through a superior attitude or gravity-defying hair. Betty presents her dish, which she calls Bada Bing Betty. Uh, no. The dish itself is grilled cheese and a portabello mushroom soup with roasted red peppers and bacon. Everyone enjoys it. Betty comes back upstairs, saying that even if the judges don't love her food, she loves all the chefs. Marcel looks sour. Evening. All the chefs come downstairs. Padma thanks the firemen, and the chefs applaud. Padma tells them that there were some hits and misses, and that she'll see them at the judges' table.

Commercials. I'm actually going to have to stop writing this for a while so I can catch that Paula Poundstone comedy special. I love her.

Judges' Table. Ptom is still wearing that hideous shirt. Stephen recaps the challenge, and Gail asks him how he feels about the results. He says that he thought there would be a lot more "excitement and adventurism". I'm sorry, "adventurism"? Hearing that caused me physical pain. Stephen says that one dish had the innovation he was looking for, which was Sam's fruit salad. He calls it "craveable", an annoying corporate buzzword that Gail loves. Ew, don't do that, Gail. Soon you'll be "dialoguing" with the other judges, and "thinking outside of the box". Stephen also loved Betty's dish, which seems to surprise Ptom, for some reason. Gail enjoyed Ilan's corn. Stephen agrees that it tasted good, but points out that it didn't fulfill the "entree" requirement. Ptom points out that Cliff's dish got a lot of compliments, and that his fish didn't turn out greasy at all. The mac and cheese was also a huge hit.

Sam, Cliff, and Betty are called out. They stand in that order, and since Sam is so tall, and Betty is so short, they make quite the little staircase. They're told they are the top three, and only Betty shows the slightest emotion whatsoever. The judges tell Sam that they loved his fruit salad, and Gail explicitly thanks him for making a cool dish on a hot day. He just nods and looks pissed off, as he always does. Cliff is complimented as well. Stephen says his table "scowlfed" it down. I'm about ready to beat Stephen in the head with my copy of Garner's. The holidays are coming up. If any of you know Stephen personally, please stuff a copy in his stocking. Cliff looks as sour as Sam. Jeez, I never thought I'd welcome Betty's over-expressiveness. Yet here we are. She nods and smiles as they compliment her soup and sandwich. Padma asks Stephen to announce which of the dishes will be appearing on the TGI Friday's menu. Let's hope he can choke out the name without lapsing into tongues. He does. Betty. She screams so loud that Gail, Ptom, and Padma are practically blown backwards. Finally, Cliff and Sam are smiling (applauding for her, too -- aw). She warmly thanks the judges, and interviews that although she's happy she's won two challenges in a row, she's not going to let her guard down. Ah, there's another phrase the producers must demand at gunpoint. Padma brings the mood down by asking Betty to send in Emily, Michael, and Frank.

The top three come back into the Kitchen and announce Betty's win. Everyone claps and looks happy, while Marcel tries to sink into the floor. Betty sends the losers to the table. They walk out, and Padma informs them that they're the bottom three. She asks Frank why he thinks he's there. He answers that his dish was very conceptual, and probably needed a lot of tweaking. Good answer. He addressed the question, but didn't beat himself up about the food, which Ptom is ever-eager to pounce upon. The judges tell him that his dish is too complex in its execution to ever work in a restaurant. Frank placidly agrees. Stephen also found the flavors flat, which Frank doesn't respond to. Padma asks Emily if she tasted her food before serving it. She did, and says that she knows the meat was too salty. Ptom says the corn was salty, too. Gail tosses the shrimp on the "too salty" pile as well. That's...a lot of salt. I'm glad someone gets some use out of it. Emily tries to work the angle that things probably tasted OK individually, but Gail pronounces her dish almost inedible. Padma takes her to task for not using fresh corn. Stephen takes her to task for using a cut of steak that tends to get tough when overcooked. Emily's rendered speechless by this point.

Michael. He's already too unconcerned, daring the judges to "bring it on". Gail asks what he thinks went wrong. He can't come up with anything, although he does give us generous helpings of "like" and "ya know". I can't pretend not to use "like" all the time, but I try to restrict myself to one per sentence. He brings up his work at conceptual(?) restaurants like "Friday's, Chili's, Red Lobster, whatever." Stephen gets angry that Michael dared to mention Friday's competitors, as if there's any difference between Friday's and Chili's. They are the exact same restaurant. As is Applebee's, for that matter. You don't get to work for a chain restaurant and act insulted when people treat it...like a chain. To be fair, Stephen's main complaint is that Michael's dish wouldn't help Friday's stand out, which is true. Also true is the fact that "standing out" was never part of the challenge, so shut up, Stephen. Ptom tells Michael that his work was just sloppy, and that it seems like he doesn't care enough about being here. Michael disputes this, and he probably really does want to be in the competition. He's just really, really bad at it. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Frank had poor execution, but at least had an idea and went with it. Emily's overseasoning seems to really shock the judges. She must have put a ton of salt in that thing. They do say something annoying when they chide Emily, which is that if something is seasoned incorrectly, fix it or don't serve it. And what precisely was Emily supposed to do if/when she discovered that everything was too salty? Come out empty-handed and do a little tap dance? Emily cries in the Kitchen, not emotionally, but out of embarrassment and aggravation. The judges hate Michael's attitude, and can't figure out how he ruined a steak sandwich. Don't forget that this is the type of challenge at which he should excel. I'm with you, judges! Cut him! Cut him! Back in the Kitchen, Michael makes empty threats to beat up the judges. Every time he speaks, he just sinks to a lower and more stereotypical level of loserdom. I started out angry at him, but it's almost sad by this point. The judges make a decision. The bottom three are brought back out.

Commercials. I'm glad that lady was able to find her cows. But check out how much cheese she's chopping. Land sakes, woman, leave some dairy for the rest of us.

Elimination. Frank had a good thought, but wasn't refined enough. Emily's dish was inedible. Michael is a stupid douchebag. And the loser is... Emily. Please pack your knives and go. In other words... Sure, Michael has sucked in literally every single challenge, but hey, maybe he'll get drunk and do something ratings-worthy! She goes back to the Kitchen and tells the other chefs that it's "been real", before starting to cry again. Tally mark! The other chefs groan in sympathy. I wonder who they wish had gone. Emily gets a nice group hug. She interviews that she's met some fantastic professionals (and Michael!), and that saying good-bye is the hardest thing. She says that everyone there has such different backgrounds, and that bouncing ideas off of them has opened doors creatively for her. That's very astute. I'm bummed she's going.

Overall Grade: B+

The Girls Who Made It This Far

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 7

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Various pathetic bitches fought and "strutted" their "stuff" for our amusement. But just in case you missed any of it, it's time for one of those dumb clip shows. But it's not a waste of time, because there's all sorts of new content! Content apparently too lackluster to include in the original airings, but I'm sure it's going to be great! Just as I did for the last one, I'm only going to pay attention to the new footage. [If something has already been gone over in an old episode, and I'm glossing it over, I'll put it in brackets like this.]

We naturally open on a bunch of old shots of Tyra modeling, and get a few glimpses of our girls' audition tapes. Is that Brooke standing in front of that gorgeous mansion? I can't really tell. If it is, I need to find a way to get written into her will. Um...I totally loved all of your photos, Brooke! [The girls went through their panel interview. I'm so used to Melrose as a blonde now, but she looks better with brown hair. Thirteen finalists got chosen to live in the model pad.] Tyra reminds us that tonight, we get to relive it all from the beginning. Oh, good. I was just thinking to myself how much I miss watching Monique act self-entitled.

Opening credits. I know I said I wasn't going to focus on them this season, but I do have to point out that all of the previous winners are shown, except a conspicuously absent Adrianne. Makes sense, given that Tyra hates her guts now. Hehehe. [After the commercials, we see the girls run into the model pad and rhapsodize over it. Then it was off to the first photo shoot, where the girls wore ugly clothes. Melrose won the challenge, and Megg sparked off her streak of being totally HARDCORE.] When they get back to the pad, the girls are ambushed by Charlie (a stylist) and Sutan. They make the girls bring out all of their clothing, and Charlie carries in a garbage can marked "Fashion Trash". I love how he's wearing yellow rubber gloves, despite the can clearly being brand spanking new. I also love how this is 100% ripped from What Not To Wear. I don't even watch that show, and I know it's being scammed. Maybe that's why they never showed this scene.

Charlie and Sutan start tossing things they find gross, like something CariDee's mother used to wear. Christian gets a tank top trashed. Monique loses a pair of hiiiiiiiiiiideous sparkly silver boots. Girl, they just did you a huge favor. If you wore those things out, Whitney Houston would be tapping you on the shoulder, asking you where to get the good stuff. Eugena agrees that they're ugly. I'm glad she's with me, but Eugena really needs to look into Proactiv. Sutan goes to throw away what he thinks is an ugly outfit, but turns out to just be an ugly towel. Throw it away, anyway. I'm the biggest fan of green you're likely to meet, and I still think it's nasty. Both Charlie and Sutan love Melrose's stuff, and she smarmily interviews that she made a lot of the clothing that she brought. Ah, this must be where the other girls started to hate her. Pile on the girl who didn't get her clothing trashed! Anchal has way too much shit with rhinestones on it. Kayne is probably watching this somewhere, drinking champagne and thinking "Whatever, fuckers. Rhinestones rock." Sutan says the girls will someday thank the "two gay guys who came in here and raided your suitcases". Honey, if two gay guys are gonna come in and raid my suitcases, it ain't gonna be you. The girls are pissed off.

But help is on the way! The Monster Escalade drops the girls at a clothing store. Cripes, Charlie and Sutan are here, too. Two scenes, and I'm already tired of them. Sutan introduces the store as the new, hip-happening place for the Los Angeles elite to buy clothing. There's a little mini-challenge here in the store. The girls are to pick out a mini skirt, a nude bra and panty set, a large bag (to carry portfolios), a hair scrunchy, fitted jeans, a black cocktail dress, and a pair of sneakers. Yes, I'm sure that the Los Angeles elite go shopping for their cocktail dresses in the same store that carries scrunchies and sneakers. I can just see Nicole Kidman, all "Finally, a one-stop shop!". The challenge is that the girls have to grab all these items in five minutes. Sounds pretty tough. I doubt CariDee even remembers the list by this point. They begin, and the girls scatter. It's so weird to see Jaeda with long hair. Everyone grabs things they need as Charlie and Sutan harangue them annoyingly. Christian interviews something almost unintelligible. Seriously, I just rewound three times, and I'm still not sure what she said. Something about already owning everything on the list? Or something? Enunciate, Christian! Melrose gets a BZZZZZZ! sound for picking out a brown top, which is not on the list. Eugena's quite efficient. Christian gets a BZZZZZZ! for getting flip-flops, and Monique gets one for picking out a purple dress. I can't figure out if they're done and trying to grab extra stuff that the show will pay for, or are just stupid. Time runs out.

Back at the model pad, Melrose gets taken to task for acting like the "mom" of the house. As evidence of this, we're shown her recommending that the girls clean a dish before they use it, and offering to cook for everyone, as long as they do the dishes. Oh, my God! What a freaking bitch! How heinous of her to suggest a division of labor! Monique makes fun of her in the bedroom while wearing a pair of red wings and shouting into a sparkly gold microphone. How did those survive the Fashion Trash? She probably hid them in her ass. She goes on and on, and it's really not worth revisiting, because Monique's not smart enough to be funny, and isn't being incendiary enough to rant about. Oh, except she says "Die, bitch, die." which Melrose overhears. She understates in an interview that she's not interested in a friendship with Monique. Really? Why not? She's so likable! [The girls went to the photo shoot where Tyra "acted" like a bitch. Eugena and CariDee did well, while Melrose failed to kiss OJ's ass and got reamed for it. Man, that still makes me furious. Christian continues being marble-mouthed at panel. Maybe that's why she was eliminated four seconds later.] She interviews that she feels like she had more potential than Melrose, who was in the bottom two with her. I know hindsight is 20/20, but that statement makes Christian look even dumber now. Bye, sweetie! Take some diction classes!

Commercials. [When we return, the girls get their makeovers. Jaeda bawls when her hair gets chopped, because the girl whose hair gets chopped always freaks out. It's oddly comfortable in its reliability. Monique freaked out for no perceptible reason other than the fact that she's Monique.] Speaking of Monique acting like a rancid bitch (I know, it'd be more efficient to talk about the times Monique doesn't act like a rancid bitch, but I have to go with what the show tells me), someone eats her precious potato chips. Rather than respond like a human being, she throws away everyone else's chips. No, really. Not that the situation needs any further explanation, but we hear from Amanda that everyone pitched in the same amount, so all the food is community property. I guess Monique had dibs on the sour cream and onion or something. The other girls yell at her, but it's not like Monique has a self-aware bone in her body. She interviews that "Nice Monique" has gone out the window. Nice Monique? She must hang out with the Tooth Fairy. All the other girls can't even fathom why she acts the way she does. Suffice it to say they all know she's a psycho.

[Big wig photo shoot. Upon listening to OJ's critiques again, I'm reminded that this overprocessed bleach bomb wouldn't know how to direct a kindergarten play. He's so sucky. And did you hear he's going to be the main judge on Canada's Next Top Model? I guess it's about time we dump our loser celebrities on them. They did ship Elisha Cuthbert to us.] Megg melts down and cries that she can't model without listening to heavy metal music. Because she's HARDCORE. She...wants to be HARDCORE on every single photo shoot? Is she seriously that stupid? Is she seriously so stupid that "Is she seriously that stupid?" was a rhetorical question? Back at the model pad, she's cheered immensely by turning plastic flowerpots upside down and beating on them like drums. You guys, I was right. I think she may be retarded. [Megan got eliminated.] She interviews that she expected Monique to be in the bottom two with her (instead of Jaeda). We were all wishing that, Megan. Hey, whatever happened to the whole Queen Latifah segment? It's never mentioned.

[The girls "walked" a tightrope. Melrose did a good job, which didn't make Monique happy. DUH. Back at the pad, Melrose shoved Monique out of the phone room.] What we didn't see is Melrose trying to cook dinner, presumably for everyone. Monique grabs food away and repeats everything Melrose says, just to get under her skin. Because I guess Monique is six years old. In which case she really shouldn't be drinking that wine. I really wish someone had chopped all of her hair off in the night, like Harriet did to Laura Peters in "Harriet the Spy". That book fucking rocks. Sorry, when I'm trying to avoid an annoying scene, my mind goes to other places. [The girls tried to walk a straight line in high heels on cobblestones in front of Ronald McBre. Monique got sick. Unfortunately, it wasn't the bubonic plague. She begged off the photo shoot, which was the tilty platforms over the water one. Eugena wiped out, and CariDee popped out.]

Back at the model pad, a bird has gotten into the house, so this really is just like the last clip episode I watched. At least nobody thinks this bird is blind. Man, Nicole was a dumbass. She had no business winning her cycle. Not that I'm still bitter. Anchal climbs onto a wall partition to try and catch him. That was kind of hot. The girls try cajoling, poking, and throwing stuff at him. AJ actually almost catches him with her bare hands. Finally, he's herded out. Whew! Crisis averted. [Monique was cut. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Melrose tried to keep from grinning wider than the Cheshire cat, but couldn't quite keep a lid on it, which makes me love her.] Commercials.

[The girls met with a contortionist and a model who looks like Pippi Longstocking gave up halfway through her sex change operation. Anchal was stretchier than she thought. Back at the pad, Melrose spewed gossip about Anchal that was overheard, and made Anchal upset. The fact that four others were also spewing gossip goes just as unmentioned here as it was then. Still bullshit. Eugena won a challenge. Tyra stopped by to Oprah about the girls' fears. Anchal spilled that she has heard people talking about her, and Melrose worried that she'd been singled out as "the mean one".] After Tyra leaves, Megg tells Melrose that she gets very frustrated with the way Melrose acts. Wow, I'm impressed. Megg managed to address a problem frankly, but honestly, and didn't come off as a total freak. Well done, Megg. OK, so Melrose now knows that she's been pegged as mean. The girls are politely bringing up valid concerns. This is where the words "I'm" and "sorry" should feature prominently. And they shouldn't precede words like "that you're all so oversensitive". Instead, she falls back on saying she's "misunderstood", and that INFURIATING thing where people say that they're just the way they are, and they're not going to change (what I like to call the "Accept me for the stupid asshole that I am!" defense). She goes on to dig herself even deeper with "I will not be walked on." and "I demand the same respect I give to all of you." And what respect would that be? Trashing them behind their backs? Listen, I think that other girls should be hanging on the same hook right about now, but it doesn't make her any less culpable. Melrose, I've been one of your biggest defenders. I've wandered all over the internet, trying to explain to legions of people who hate your guts why you're not so bad. But you're being a raging asshole. Shut up now, before you lose your last fan.

The other girls hate her even more now, and I can understand why. What's funny is that AJ talks to CariDee about the situation, and criticizes Melrose for throwing little jabs in her face. "I don't do that to [her]," AJ gripes. "It's so childish." Does AJ know she's being taped? [The girls posed as circus sideshow freaks. Megg sucked. Again. She cried. Again. The judges loved Melrose's photo, and Megg got cut.] Commercials. When we return, the girls do some watered-down yoga, then dance around with masks on. Why the masks are necessary, I can't imagine. [Michelle sort of admitted that she's sort of gay. There were a series of boring interview challenges, at which Melrose excelled, while AJ and Jaeda sucked royally.] AJ is pessimistic. Wah wah wah.

[Tyra dropped by for some more Diet Oprah interviews. The girls went to their celebrity couple photo shoot. AJ sucked. Jaeda "sucked".] Back at the model pad, Jaeda stages a fake elimination. She does an overwrought impression of Tyra that is pretty damn funny. She's certainly nailed the melodrama. It comes down to the twins in the bottom two. As Jaeda addresses each of them, CariDee rips a massive fart. Everyone cracks up. Including me. Jaeda winds up fake eliminating Amanda. [In the real elimination, Jaeda herself wound up in the bottom two, but AJ got eliminated. We are treated to another shot of her fugly hat, as if it hasn't burned into our brains like acid by now.] Commercials. [When we return, Tyra takes the "scary" black and white photos. Dita von Teese strutted her stuff, and the girls followed suit. They had a boring challenge on a dining room table, which Melrose won. Anchal was self-conscious some more. The girls posed with Fabio. Brooke got cut. The fact that Tyra was Queen of the Assholes that week is not mentioned.]

Now, only seven girls remain. Melrose, the "bold beauty with an eye for fashion". Eugena, the "sexy siren who sizzles on the runway". I promise I'm not making any of these descriptions up. Michelle, the "long tall tomboy and her photogenic twin," Amanda. I like how Amanda's so dull that "photogenic" was the only thing they could say about her. CariDee, the "stunner with the supersized personality". Anchal, the "gentle, breathtaking beauty". And finally, Jaeda, the "statuesque student". One of them will become...AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. I like this final seven. I honestly wouldn't be upset if any of them won. As for predictions, Melrose is probably too disliked to win (although there's always an outlier), and the judges pretty much hate Eugena and Jaeda. Anchal's shyness may do her in, and Amanda tends to get outshined by her sister. So I'm going to tentatively guess a final two of Michelle and CariDee. Or my alternative guess is that the twins get double-eliminated, and Anchal takes the whole shebang.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: You're not the only one who can copy old material, Tyra: A photo shoot involving attacking a racecar driver. Um, OK. Some Mission Impossible sort of wire work. Anchal and Melrose throw down again.

Overall Grade: C

I Wonder if This Is Going to Make My Fingers Pickle

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 7

Previously on The Amazing Race: Seven teams raced from Chennai, India to Kuwait City, so Kimberly's dream of hanging out with the social elite in London or Paris was shattered even harder. David and Mary were "marked for elimination", but were able to soar into first place, thanks to the Fast Forward and the help of the Chos. The producers are still trying to pass off an easy climb as terrifying, and I'm still not buying. KanDustin and Karlyn got into a pissing match, but I'm sure it'll be nothing but goodwill between these folks from here on out. Peter and Sarah came in last and got eliminated. Then Sarah eliminated Peter again. Six teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Jeez, even in their intro, James just kinda stands around while Tyler does all the work.

Kuwait City, Kuwait. We see a bunch of lovely spots, which only serves as a painful reminder that the desolate sand pit and striped water towers of last week's pitstop are really boring. I try to ignore Phil's Opening Blather, but his question about whether the Underdogs will stick together or not slips into my brain. Gee, I wonder what'll happen this week? David and Mary leave the mat first at 12:37 AM. Their clue tells them to fly to Mauritius. I'll cop to having no idea where that is, and I spent a good chunk of my childhood playing and watching Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Turns out it's a small island nation off to the east of Madagascar, and is more than 4600 miles away. It looks very lovely. Once the teams land there, they'll have to find a marked car, which contains their next clue. We get a shot of said clue, which is a model of a boat. Mary interviews about the good friends she's made on the race, who are well worth a million dollars. And since the Chos have been such good friends, and sacrificed so much for David and Mary, I'm sure they won't repay the kindness by intentionally blowing any chance of a good race placement. I mean, that would render the Chos' kindness completely meaningless. Mary refers to the alliance as the Six Pack, because Back Pack sounds so negative, and paints the teams as losers. Not to give too much away, but perhaps you should have stuck with Back Pack this week, Mary. I'm sticking with Underdogs. They go to the airport and look for the "booketing" counter. Heh. They find tickets that connect through London and put them into Mauritius at 6:50 AM. After confirming that this is the earliest flight, they get tickets.

KanDustin leaves the mat at 3:40 AM. KanDustin maintains that all the teams are essentially looking out for themselves, so an "alliance" is pointless. Because it's not like the alliance specifically impeded KanDustin last week so that a member of the Underdogs could get out in front. Oh, wait. Methinks some beauty queens are a bit bitter. RoKi leaves the mat at 3:53 AM. I should mention that none of these teams has ever heard of Mauritius, which makes me feel a bit better. Kimberly interviews that she feels it's time for her to "take control of the team". Because Rob has been doing such a shitty job, what with the consistent placing in the top three. Weirdo. Rob likes that Kimberly is thriving in "survival" mode. If I know my Reality Show Foreshadowing, we're in for some tantrums. KanDustin arrives at the airport and finds out about the same tickets that David and Mary have booked. However, they're convinced that the agents are complete morons, because if you look at a map, Kuwait to Mauritius through London takes you waaaaaaay out of the way. It'd be like flying from New York to Los Angeles with a stop in Dublin. They keep asking about a better flight, and won't take the agent's word that they're on the best one. The weird route, combined with a slight language barrier, makes KanDustin look like snotty idiots here, which is a bit unfair.

RoKi arrives at the airport and spots David and Mary coming the other way. Rob asks David if they've gotten their tickets, which David confirms. Kimberly asks if the ticketing counters are upstairs, and David gives a semi-ambiguous nod. Of course, this gets Rob all mad, because how dare David not share everything with him? I mean, that'd be like, say, waiting until another team walks away before grabbing a clue! David and Mary aren't feeling too guilty about making RoKi do their own damn work, and good for them. RoKi is similarly gobsmacked to hear that they have to connect through London, but upon hearing that that's what the other teams did (because if there's one thing they know how to do well, it's piggyback off other teams' work), they go ahead and book it. Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 4:10 AM. Karlyn interviews that they enjoy the friendship with the other Underdogs, but know where to draw the line as far as the race is concerned. Yeah, that's how I'd be, too. I doubt I'd find myself in an alliance, but if I were, I'd only help another team at the expense of someone outside the alliance. I wouldn't fall on the sword for them. Karlyn says she's made this clear to the other Underdogs. Erwin and Godwin leave the mat at 4:18 AM. Erwin feels the Underdog Alliance is working quite well for the moment. KanDustin is still convinced that the ticket agents could not possibly be giving them the correct information. Dustin concludes that the agents are "not the brightest bulbs". Shut up, Dustin.

Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the airport, and meet David and Mary, who instruct them where to go. Their directions include the word "breezeway". I love that word, for no particular reason. Erwin and Godwin arrive and also meet up with David and Mary. Tyler and James leave the mat at 4:55 AM. Man, that sun is high in the sky for five o'clock. Tyler says the same thing about the Underdogs that KanDustin did, that it's a flimsy group that will fall apart, because at some point, everyone has to look out for themselves. Of course, he's saying this as they leave in last place, and it might not occur to him that the Underdogs don't really have to worry about cannibalizing their alliance until his ass is shipped off to Eliminationville, but whatever. KanDustin wanders to another agent, who gives them the exact same flight info as the other guy did. They give up on finding anything better, and decide to book it. As they book their tickets, Lyn and Karlyn come in and get in line behind them. I'm surprised storm clouds don't start to gather within the airport at this point. Tyler and James arrive, and find the same line. I'm not sure if what happens next is motivated out of strategy or pure, unadulterated spite. Possibly a mixture. Kandice asks if they can get Tyler and James confirmed on the same flight they are, essentially skipping over Lyn and Karlyn in line. And...KABOOM!

Lyn and Karlyn protest this (it seems purchasing tickets for other teams is against the rules), but KanDustin says they're not purchasing tickets, just reserving space. They interview that they certainly aren't looking to do Lyn and Karlyn any favors, so nyah nyah nyah. I guess we've got our answer. Pure, unadulterated spite. Which is fine. KanDustin reiterates to the ticket agent that Tyler and James are with them, and Lyn and Karlyn tell the agent that they were next in line. But...if someone's with you, it doesn't matter who's next in line. Parties travel together. If I were in Lyn and Karlyn's position, I'd try to argue it too, but only to see if I could get away with it; they don't really have a viable argument. I have to apologize to the ticket agent here, because in the short version, I said that he deserved the hell that is about to be brought upon him, and I was wrong. Kandice passive-aggressively snarks to the agent that Karlyn is being pushy, and Karlyn's like "I'm being pushy?". She makes the mistake of getting angry with the agent, asking him why he'd help Tyler and James when Lyn and Karlyn were clearly there first, no matter if KanDustin/Tyler/James are traveling together or not. See above, Karlyn. Plus, remember? With the shoving? Reap what you sow.

The agent, sensing that he's fucked no matter what he does, goes with the people who aren't snapping in his face. He agrees to put Tyler and James on the flight. If I were the agent, I'd tell them that there's room for all of the them on the flight, so there's no need to get all up in my grill. Except I guess I'd have to use Kuwait slang. Elsewhere, Erwin and Godwin are getting tickets, but no tantrums are involved, so we don't spend much time on them. KanDustin is finished, and wanders off, not particularly caring if Lyn and Karlyn hate them. Karlyn is now browbeating the agent about helping Tyler and James, and not them. Tyler, who has been able to stay out of the whole argument until now, tells Karlyn that she's "trippin'". Oh, really, "dawg"? Would your "homeboys" agree? Dude, check a mirror. You're really, really white. He continues in this unfortunately racist vein by doing the Angry Black Woman Head Bobble in Karlyn's face. Yeah, I'm with him on the ticket thing, but...that wasn't cool. Karlyn wastes an opportunity to get back at him by tapping her fingers on her arm and making an injection gesture, which is what I would have done. He points out that KanDustin didn't buy his tickets, and Karlyn asks how he'd feel if the situations were reversed. He says he'd be pissed, but he'd "swallow the pill". It's only fair to note that Lyn and James are pretty much staying out of this. Karlyn goes of on a rant that doesn't make much sense, but essentially boils down to "Shut up". She says that she'll say what she wants to say. "Say something smart, then," Tyler says. Oh, zing! That shuts her trap pretty quickly.

Commercials. Buy Duracell batteries or these heroic firemen will die.

When we return, we're treated to a replay of the last bit of the fight, in case we missed any of it. After Tyler and James get their tickets, they laugh to the camera that Lyn and Karlyn are just jealous, and while 99% of the people who say this are full of crap, welcome to the other 1%. Tyler tries to smart off to Lyn and Karlyn as they leave, and James shuts him down. Karlyn tries to start shit up with the agent again, and Lyn shuts her down. Hooray for level-headed teammates! Of course, that whole snafu was completely pointless, as there's plenty of room for everyone on the plane. Bye, Kuwait! Establishing shots of Mauritius that make me want to plan a trip there as soon as possible. Teams come out of the airport and spot the marked cars with the model boats inside. Phil explains to us that the boat is a model of a real schooner, anchored in the waters of Grand Baie. Once teams find the boat, they have to swim out to it to get their next clue.

Tyler and James are first to the car, and have a tiny setback when they discover that the steering wheel is on the right. Hehehe. They take off, but admit that they have no idea where they're going. Karlyn tells Lyn to drive out so they can find someone to give them directions, saying they don't have time to wait for the other Underdogs. KanDustin hops in their car, and this is wear the high-pitched screeching noise that will be with us for a good part of the episode starts. I don't know if it's coming from one of the cameras or what, but it's annoying. They and RoKi ask the same group of guys for directions. Lyn and Karlyn are off asking someone else. Good, I don't think I could take another cage match this week. RoKi gets in their car, despite not understanding what the directions were, and just decide to follow KanDustin. The rest of the teams get going. Mary is scared of the swim, because she's afraid of fish. Heh. Fish don't do anything! They just swim around, eat, and crap. At least my phobia is something that can actually hurt me. We already know that David's not a fan of deep water, and we now hear that this is because one of his cousins threw him in a lake when he was young. Mary says that that's how you learn to swim where they're from. That's how I learned, too, although it was a swimming pool. And maybe my mother wasn't trying to encourage me to swim, but trying to murder me.

Tyler and James drive around cluelessly. They're really good at that. Lyn wishes she could tell the rest of the Underdogs that they went ahead and left, but Karlyn doesn't care so much. KanDustin isn't thrilled with RoKi following them. RoKi wonders how much KanDustin would be willing to help them, but conclude that they're "not that great", because everyone's looking out for themselves. Says the team that habitually follows people. The Underdogs see RoKi in front of them, so now there's a little convoy. Tyler and James pull over for directions. Lyn and Karlyn are first to spot the boat, but can't figure out where to park. The convoy spots the boat, and just pull over at the first place they can. After some initial modesty, they decide they have to just change into their swimsuits right there on the road. Woo! Since Lyn and Karlyn were a little slow to park, the convoy teams are first to the water. They have to wear life vests and water shoes and such. Everyone hops in the water and starts swimming. Life vests are certainly not conducive to speed in the water, so it's an awkward crossing. Tyler and James are stuck in traffic. People swim. Erwin wears his glasses in the water, which would drive me completely batshit.

First to the boat is Kimberly, followed by Dustin. They can't get their clues until their teammates are with them. Kandice shows up next, so they get the clue, which is sealed in a waterproof bag, and which they may not open until they swim back to shore. Rob arrives, so RoKi may leave as well. Erwin and Godwin are third to the boat. Lyn/Karlyn/David/Mary are struggling, which makes sense. Lyn and Karlyn are next to the boat, and take a short rest, during which David and Mary climb onto the boat. The two teams start back at about the same time. Mary is emphatically not enjoying this task. Back on shore, KanDustin and RoKi open their clues, which tell the teams to drive themselves to the town of Case Noyale, which is about 50 miles away. Once there, they have to find the post office, where they'll receive their next clue. RoKi doesn't even attempt to find it on a map or anything. They instantly want to just follow KanDustin, who have apparently stolen their life vests. Hehehe. I like how they were in such a hurry, there was no time to take off those bulky things. KanDustin shares a bit of snarky glee at the Underdogs' pathetic swimming.

Erwin and Godwin make it back to shore. I approve of Godwin without a shirt. Let's see that more often. They consult a map, and easily find Case Noyale. While they're doing that, James and Tyler finally arrive. Erwin and Godwin are waiting around for the rest of the Underdogs, which is silly. Here, let's let James tell us. "They're obviously aligning with the weaker teams, so that they can take the stronger teams out, and take two weaker teams to the final three." Yep, that would be my goal within an alliance. So let's point out the problems here. I can't tell for sure, but James' tone implies that he disapproves of this strategy, though I can't tell if it's because he has some sort of moral objection or because he thinks it'll never work. If it's the latter, I'd have to point out that David and Mary are still in the race, while the only team to come in first place more than once has now been sent packing. Secondly, everyone admires your muscles, James, but I'm not sure I'd refer to a team that consistently gets a good lead, then misnavigates themselves into last as "stronger". Thirdly, you're dead weight within your own team. Just so I'm not entirely biased, Erwin and Godwin are playing stupidly here. Giving up the Fast Forward so that David and Mary could get it directly impeded other teams from getting a good placement. That was some smart strategy. But waiting around for your alliance to finish swimming? What does that accomplish? Two teams outside of your alliance already have a good jump on you, and the third team is obviously going to make up time on the swimming. Get going, freaks!

On the road, KanDustin is trying to figure out a way to shake RoKi off their tails. It's not as easy as the movies make it look. Lyn and Karlyn make it back to shore. Tyler and James reach the boat. By the time David and Mary reach the shore, Tyler and James are already on their way back. Not only that, but they wait around until Lyn and Karlyn go get their car that's parked off in East Bubblefuck. Nice work, Underdogs. Tyler is far ahead of James in the swimming, of course. The Underdogs finally get going, but Tyler and James aren't far behind, having made up a lot of time. Kandice tells Dustin that there are two ways to get to Case Noyale, and they veer off the main road to take another route there. Rob can't change lanes in time to take the same exit. They actually honk, as if to say "Wait for us!". Kandice nods at them, then rolls her eyes to herself, which is hilarious. They successfully lose RoKi. Well done! The Underdogs drive along merrily, but you'll never guess what has happened to Tyler and James. Go on, guess. I think I hear "They misnavigate themselves into getting lost." You are correct. Care to go for the extra credit point and guess who's in charge of navigation? A+ for anyone who picked James, who may as well ask for piggyback rides everywhere, given the amount he contributes to this team. They stop for directions. Tyler is finally kind of fed up with James, saying that he never seems to get the directions right. "We didn't go the wrong way, we just missed our turn," James says. "Which means we went the wrong way," Tyler responds. Tyler is all about putting people in their places this week.

RoKi starts to have problems with their car. Rob can't shift gears, and the car grinds to a stop at a traffic light. Rob repeatedly says that he cannot shift the gear, and Kimberly says that he has a green light. Oh, well that'll fix the gear shift, I guess. Traffic is lining up behind him and honking. Hehehe. He tries to wave people around, but the road is too narrow. Kimberly keeps needling him, which is pretty much the worst thing you could do to someone who's stuck, and is trying to fix the situation while people honk at him. Not to put it all on Kimberly's back, because he's a big drama queen, and instead of just telling her to shut the fuck up for thirty seconds or ignoring her, he throws a prissy tantrum and storms away from the car. Yeah, that'll make her respect you. Plus, get your whiny ass back and do something. These people stuck behind you don't really care about your dysfunctional relationship.

Commercials. Mission Impossible 3. I guess Mission Mediocre 3 wouldn't have sold as many tickets, although it would have been more accurate.

RoKi continues flailing uselessly. Kandice is saying how great it feels to have a good lead, and you simply shouldn't tempt Fate like that. A bus in front of them makes a stop, and Dustin runs right into it. Busses really can't stop on a dime, so she must have been tailgating. Don't be an asshole driver, Dustin. She backs up and gets out to survey the damage, which is a crushed fender. Kandice rolls her eyes again. Hehe. Kimberly offers to try and shift gears for Rob, but he won't let her, despite yelling that she should do it herself when he stormed off before. A cop takes down KanDustin's information. After a while, they're let go. Dustin interviews that this is the first accident she's ever had, and she's never gotten so much as a speeding ticket. She's understandably rattled. Some strangers help RoKi push their car off the road. The Underdogs pass by. Tyler and James make progress. KanDustin is first to the post office, and get their clue. Detour! Salt or Sea. In Salt, teams have to drive two miles to a place where salt is harvested. There are three enormous piles of salt, in which little salt shakers are hidden. Some of the shakers contain the next clue. In Sea, teams walk to the beach, and choose a boat and captain. They're driven 2/3 of a mile to a small island, and are given a map. The map will direct them to a mast and sail, which they must bring back to the boat. The captain will attach them, give the team its next clue, and sail back to shore.

KanDustin opts for Sea. RoKi decides to abandon their vehicle. Phil reminds us that they'll get a new car, but no time credit. They're still in fifth place. KanDustin hops into a boat and examines their map. RoKi, although now humming along in their new car, has no idea where to go, because there's nobody to follow. That's what they get. Kimberly uses the word "vaca" as an abbreviation for "vacation", and I've hated that stupid non-word since its inception. Also? "Convo" for "conversation". Just say the full word, damn it. They semi-pull over to ask directions from a cop, who just waves them on, probably because they're blocking the road. Naturally, they conclude from this that he's a huge jerk. Shut up, assholes. The Underdogs reach the post office. Some folks want Salt and some want Sea, but they eventually decide to all go to Salt together. Tyler and James are next to the post office, so they've passed RoKi at some point. They go for Salt. They're upset about being behind the Underdogs, I guess hoping that driving around lost would actually work to their advantage in some magical way. KanDustin enjoys their boat ride. The Underdogs pull up at Salt, and get to digging. James and Tyler catch up. They also begin digging, and Tyler gives us the titular quote. At least it's not Mary this week. Mary finds a shaker, but when she opens it, it's full of pepper. She lets everyone know that not all the shakers have clues.

RoKi fights some more as they approach the post office. It's so tedious by this point, I'm not even going to go into details. Except to say that if this is what happens when Kimberly takes control of the team, she needs to stop right the fuck now. They get their clue. And fight over the Detour choice, of course. They eventually choose Salt. And fight on their way to the car, of course. SHUT UP, YOU FUCKING FUCKS. Why does this show consistently cast couples who hate each other? Do they think we enjoy it? Do most people enjoy it? If so...shut up, other Amazing Race fans. KanDustin arrives at the little island. They begin trying to figure out where to go on the map. RoKi arrives at Salt. Tyler and James find another pepper-filled shaker. Rob asks Tyler and James what they're looking for, because even reading the clue is just too much work for RoKi. KanDustin searches. The Salt teams search. Kimberly calls Rob over and suggests switching Detours, hoping to get a jump on the other teams, which is not a bad idea in their position. They ditch. Tyler and James also ditch, although one of them wants to stay (I can't tell which from the voiceover). OK. Their decision is a bit more questionable, but could work out. Meanwhile, Kandice is asking Dustin if they should switch as well. Dustin wants to stick it out, and I hope Kandice thanked her later.

RoKi and James/Tyler jump in boats. Mary finds another pepper-filled shaker. The Underdogs do the stupidest thing imaginable, and decide to switch Detours. What? Switching Detours was fine for RoKi, because they have a legitimate chance of passing the teams at Salt. But do the Underdogs seriously believe that they'll be able to: drive the two miles back to shore, get on a boat, get to the island, search it, get the materials, and bring them back all before the other teams who have already left can? There's no equalizing point, like a flight or a bus, which only leave every so often. The teams can just go and go and go right now, and switching Detours is almost tantamount to giving up, in my opinion. Perhaps Dave is thinking the same thing, because he wants to stay at Salt. He and Mary continue digging, and don't have any hard feelings towards the rest of the Underdogs for leaving. Now that the decision has been made, Mary lights into Dave, thinking they'll be the "stupid" couple that stays behind looking for the shaker all night, until they get eliminated. Aw, I miss Lena and Kristy. Mary still needs to shut up, because finding the shaker is their only hope to make up ground. Yes, they may hunt all night and never find it, which would suck. Yes, disaster may befall another team at any moment. But there is no way to switch Detours now and not reasonably expect to come in last place.

Commercials. Ah, yes. The Unit. I saw my first episode the other night. It will also be my last.

David and Mary are both passive-aggressive assholes. Sorry, but that's what's happening in this scene. KanDustin finds the mast and sails. A trap of sorts has been set up, in which the ground sinks into a shallow pit. One of the girls falls right into it, and they laugh about being all Indiana Jones. They grab their stuff. The stupid Underdogs stupidly pull up at their stupid Detour choice and get into their stupid boats. I'm sorry, that's unfair. The boats aren't stupid at all. KanDustin makes it back to their boat, and the clue directs them to the next pitstop. Which I guess means the Roadblock was edited entirely out of this episode, to make room for all those fun fighting scenes. Seriously, CBS. I tune in to watch a competition. If I wanted to see trashy people fight, there's a K-Mart right up the street. The pitstop is Chateau Bel Ombre, a ridiculously beautiful colonial mansion. On the boat ride back, KanDustin spots the mansion on their map. They're nervous that none of the other teams did Sea, not noticing that Tyler and James are right behind them. Hehehe. Tyler and James reach the shore, with RoKi not far behind. They begin searching.

David and Mary decide to switch Detours. Whatever. They essentially just quit the race as far as I'm concerned, and we all know how I feel about race quitters. Do you know how many people would love to be in their place right now? A lot. I guess all those speeches about how great the Chos are were just lip service, since they're flushing the second chance Erwin and Godwin gave them right down the toilet. KanDustin spots the Underdogs in their boats, so now they're a lot happier, knowing they're in a good position. They're particularly glad that Lyn and Karlyn are way behind them, for obvious reasons. RoKi is next to find the mast and sails, and Kimberly is the one to fall into the sunken trap. I'm expecting her to start pissing and moaning, but to her credit, she shakes it off. They grab their stuff and go. Tyler and James are, OF COURSE, lost, and James thinks they should have stayed at Salt. Tyler tells him to shut up. RoKi gets back to their boat, and heads for the pitstop. They spot the Underdogs, and are amazed by how the game flips so often. I'd be amazed that my competitors were so stupid. The Underdogs land and start searching. Karlyn says she feels like Hansel and Gretel. Heh, I totally wish that a gingerbread house was part of the race. David and Mary start sailing. Fuck them, I'm ignoring them until they hit the mat.

KanDustin's bashed up car still runs, which they're pleased about. Kandice promises to talk nicely to the car until they get to where they're going. See, Kandice isn't tempting Fate anymore! People do learn things on this show! Tyler and James spot the mast and sails. Tyler falls into the trap. The Underdogs continue searching. Tyler and James make it back to the boat, and note the other boats waiting. RoKi makes it back to shore, so I guess they didn't try to kill each other on the way back. I suppose the camera would have caught them trying to hold the other person's head under the water. Tyler and James make it back, and Tyler smarms that "[his] pack" is going to place in the top three. I was gearing up for a rant here, but you know what? The Underdogs deserved that. The lagging three teams search the island. The lead three teams drive. The lagging three teams continue to search the island. They find the masts and sails, and nobody is shown falling into the trap. Maybe it's been trampled so much that it's visible by this point.

The three lead teams drive. RoKi goes in the wrong direction, and a cute guy with a British accent helps get them on the right track again. Thanks, cute guy! Not having any trouble at all is KanDustin, who pulls up to the pitstop. They run in and land in first place. Some attitude problems aside, they completely deserve it. Well done, ladies! They jump up and down and celebrate. They win motor scooters. Phil tells them that the scooters carry a passenger, so they can "take a date" out. What is Phil's obsession with young girls' romantic lives? Do you think he'd tell Lyn and Karlyn that they could "take a date" out? They're racers, Phil. Extremely competent ones. Perhaps you could focus on something other than their coochies. Dustin obligingly flirts with Phil. She and Kandice interview that they're not going to let themselves get comfortable, but will take each leg as it comes.

Tyler and James hit the mat as team number two, and they should give the other teams a big smooch for playing like such dumbasses this week. The Underdogs start sailing back. RoKi hits the mat as team number three. Alliance talk. Godwin hopes the other teams won't take it personally when he runs for the mat. Karlyn is thinking along the same lines. A team that shall remained unmentioned pledges to wait around, because they haven't been stupid enough this week, and had to get in that last eye-rolling atrocity. After some driving around, Erwin and Godwin hit the mat as team number four. Lyn and Karlyn check in as team number five. They're depressed that their buddies are going to come in last place. Speaking of whom, I guess I can mention David and Mary again, because here they are. And guess what? It's the second non-elimination leg! David and Mary are spared yet again, and are marked for elimination yet again. I'd love to get all inspirational and "they can come from behind!" about it, but I'm over them. There's no Fast Forward for them next week, and it's their time to go. I'm not going to bother going over their final comments, but man, would I have liked to see the other teams' faces when they found out none of the Underdogs were eliminated. That would be classic.

Next week on The Amazing Race: A new twist called an "Intersection". Cool! Doubly so if it's replaced the hated Yield. Enemies will be forced to work together. Sweet.

Overall Grade: C-