Finale - Part II

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 14

Previously on Project Runway: The four finalists were told to design twelve looks for Fashion Week. Tim visited everyone. Laura accused Jeffrey of having outside help. Tim promised to look into it. Tonight, someone will be crowned the winner of Project Runway. Good. I don't think I could take another filler episode.

No opening credits. Because this is serious business this week.

New York. One and a half days until the runway show. In the workroom, Uli is wishing this whole cheating blowup never happened. Laura compares Jeffrey to an athlete on steroids. It's pretty much based on conjecture, but she admits as much. She and Jeffrey talk, and she's saying that if he has the receipts to back everything up, there will be no problem. Jeffrey says that what's really upsetting is Laura calling his integrity into question. "I never questioned your integrity," Laura says, and while I generally like her, and generally dislike Jeffrey -- BULLSHIT. Jeffrey storms off. Soon after, he receives a call from Tim, saying that the producers can't find all the receipts from a particular pleating business. Or something. He asks Jeffrey to call them and have them fax the missing receipts. If he can't get them, they'll deal with the issue again. Jeffrey disdains the business for keeping sloppy records. Yes, this is coming from the guy who handed over one giant wad of receipts to Tim. Good catch. Jeffrey calls the business and asks about the missing receipts. He's scared that this tiny omission will lead to not being able to show at Bryant Park.

Evening. Morning. Everyone looks completely dead, and over the entire enterprise. Yeah, I feel them. Maybe you could just have a one-part finale next season, Bravo? In the workroom, Jeffrey places a call to Tim, and leaves a message. He begins work on a simple skirt, in case the shorts that the missing receipts pertain to are disqualified. Good thinking. Eight hours left. Tim comes in, and gathers the designers. He says that after a thorough investigation, he is absolutely confident that Jeffrey did the work himself. OK, Tim's word is good enough for me. Please ignore all that blather I spewed last week. Jeffrey breaks down in tears of relief, and Uli hugs him. It's not entirely good news, as Tim tells him that the shorts will, indeed, need to be taken out of the collection, due to the missing receipts. Not only that, but he is the only designer to have gone overbudget, by $227.95. I hope they would have investigated everyone's receipts anyway, and didn't just do this because of the whole cheating scandal. Jeffrey will need to remove something from the collection, and the judges will be informed that he didn't stay within the budget. This will turn out to have absolutely no effect on the judging, so why it's even a rule, let alone is brought up here, is beyond me.

Tim says that the show stresses fairness very strongly, and he's confident that tomorrow's show will be an even playing field. I read in a later interview with Tim that he was actually glad Laura brought up her suspicions when she did, because it would have been twice as awful if Jeffrey had won, and then she called foul. Good point. Laura shakes Jeffrey's hand and says that she'll meet him on the runway. There's even a little half hug. Jeffrey says that he has no further issue with Laura (which he immediately belies by snotting about her inexperience), and Laura says that she's more than happy to compete against Jeffrey on the runway. She says it was never a goal of hers to get him disqualified, which I entirely believe. I think her accusations may have come from reasoning that was overly vague, but they were never motivated by personal reasons.

One hour left. Everyone packs up their clothing. Michael feels good. Uli thinks she has a strong collection. Jeffrey loses the blonde wigs to meet the budget, and substitutes the denim skirt he just made for the disqualified leather bubble shorts. I don't know if Laura (or even Jeffrey) knows it, but I think she just accidentally bumped up the quality of his collection a big notch. The wigs were stupid, and the denim skirt is far prettier than the shorts ever were. Tim enters for a final "gather round". He has the velvet bag. He tears up a little as he talks about how proud he is of the finalists. Aw, I love Tim. He says that they're all winners, and he means it in a very real sense; not in a sense of second place in an elementary school science fair which I should have won, because that reproduction of the solar system that took all night was amazing, and all Blake did was that lame poster where the lightbulbs light up because there are little bits of wire on the back! Sorry, where was I? He dismisses them, but brings them back for a group hug. Heh. So what was the velvet bag for? Stop showing the velvet bag, and then not using it! I guess he drew the order the designers would show in, and they just didn't air it.

Morning. 4:15 AM to be precise. Ugh. Jeffrey said he got two hours' sleep. Laura says that she's glad Jeffrey will be showing, because she wants to beat him on the runway; not the accountant's office. Everyone heads out. Michael tries to calm himself down. Calm himself down? The most animated I've ever seen him was a tiny little boogie dance. It's still dark as they approach Bryant Park, but the drizzle that seems to have been falling when everyone first stirred appears to have dissipated. Uli says that this is the biggest day of her life. They enter the tent, and act suitably impressed. I know the show is trying to go out with a bang, and I don't begrudge them that. But there's not even a stage. It's just a flat runway on the floor in a bland, white room. The regular runway is more impressive than this. There are a lot of seats, though. Jeffrey wants to prove he belongs here. Michael's ready to buckle down and work.

Commercials. I don't understand advertising Barbies at this hour. I don't see them advertising cars during Saturday morning cartoons.

Two hours until the show. Guests arrive. The models are going through hair and makeup backstage. Unfortunately, there's no eleventh hour emergency, like Danzzz's missing purses or Chloe's hair issues to keep us in suspense. Michael freaks out that everything has to be perfect. One hour. The tent fills up. Laura is wearing her hair down, thank God. Half an hour. The eliminated designers and the finalists' families are in the audience, as are Chloe, Danzzz, and...Brandy? Whatever. Tim tells Laura she has ten minutes. Her hair's down. She fits a dress to a model. Her hair's up. She's fitting the model from a different angle. Her hair's down. Stop it, I'm gonna barf! Uli's ready to show the world what she can do. Michael's glad for the opportunity. Jeffrey feels amazing. And...time.

Heidi comes out onto the runway. Everyone claps and "woo!"s. Her dress is ugly. Michael Kors is wearing his sunglasses indoors again, which makes me want to punch him. Heidi introduces the judges, including guest judge Fern Mallis, creator of Fashion Week. Ooh, I love Fern! Let's start the show. The first designer to present is Jeffrey. He comes out and greets his family, including his parents, a beaming Melanie, and a crying Harrison. Heh. Hey, Jeffrey's dad is kind of cute! Jeffrey introduces his collection and goes backstage. I should say at the outset of his show that the music that he's chosen is terrible. It's ponderous and pensive, and doesn't match his collection at all. Out first is a red dress with white polka dots. There are swathes of solid red fabric peeking out in a couple of areas. I like it, although I could do without the white straps hanging down, and the model is kind of ugly. Next is the same polka dot material, but as a swimsuit. The model is also wearing a see-through jacket over it. Meh. Third is the same polka dot material as a babydoll dress (I think). The polka dot fabric is covered by a layer of see-through white fabric, and the bustier is also white. I like it. The model shouldn't lead with her stomach, though. It makes her look more pregnant than Laura. Stand up straight, troglodyte! Oof, I don't even know how to describe this next one. It's good, though. It's a red, checked, v-neck top that only covers the boobs in front, but widens to cover the shoulders and has sleeves. The rest is a fan of white straps, and she has white pants on. The next dress is half red/white stripes and half blue (or black)/white stripes, and the two colors each occupy a vertical half. It's all right. Next is a more typical Jeffrey outfit. The same blue or black striped fabric, but with a random swath of solid fabric in front of it, and a denim jacket. It's messy and uneven. Next is a shimmery silver tank top with a white jacket (edged with black), and white pants. There's a green/white striped handbag that doesn't really seem to go with the outfit, but whatever. Next is a sort of cadet blue dress that widens at the thighs. It looks like an upside-down heart shape. God, am I terrible at describing these. Next is a royal blue dress with pleating at the bottom. Then, the same royal blue, but over a pattern mixing the blue with white. It almost looks like a sky with clouds. It's neat. The next outfit is a shiny silver shirt with tan leather pants (complete with patches) and a green/white striped jacket. Claaaaaaashy. Finally, Marilinda in the same green/white striped fabric, but with interesting seams running all over fashioned into zippers. She looks good. In fact, that entire collection was worlds better than I was expecting it to be. Applause, etc.

Uli emerges and gleefully greets the audience. She's thankful for all the opportunities she's been given, and gives a shoutout to her family. She runs backstage. Her first outfit is classic Uli. It's a long print dress, kind of like giraffe stripes. The next one is a departure for her. It's dark tan, with a shimmery silver sash and belt, which is fastened with an animal tooth clasp. Neat! The next is the same two colors, but the dark tan is a skirt, while the shimmering silver is a sleeveless keyhole top, with one of those built-in chokers that I think are so pretty. Next is a rather dull, gray, thigh-length dress with a bit of fringe at the bottom, and it's accented by a necklace that looks like it's made out of handcuffs. Next, a prettier, shorter version of the same dress, but with a different silhouette. Oh, and the model's way prettier. That probably helps. Next is Amanda, working it in brown shorts and a shimmering, silver tank top. She really is a fantastic model. Next is a far less talented model, not working a tan, flowing dress with accents of silver. Next is another print dress, with fabric extremely similar, if not identical to, the dress that won Uli the freestyle challenge. Next is another print, but this in a brown and yellow fabric that is totally gorgeous. The model reaches down, and for a horrible moment, I thought she was going to pick a wedgie. But no, the dress unbuttons to reveal a matching bikini underneath. Stunning. Next is a purple print with zebra stripe accents, and an ill-advised center line of reflective material. This is a bit too Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk. Next, another giraffe-stripe print, but in a different silhouette. Finally, Nazri in a drop-dead gorgeous green jungle print that flows easily at the bottom. Applause, etc.

Commercials. I don't want to live in a world where people falling down isn't funny.

Big ol' pregnant Laura comes out. She says that she came on Project Runway hoping to make it big in the fashion world, and she did it! She pats her belly. Hehehe. That's corny, but she sold it. She walks backstage. High heels cannot be comfortable in her state. Ah, the music! Gnat about leaps out of her skin with glee. It's a very jaunty, flapperesque tune, like something you'd hear in the '20s, and I love it. Heidi's already dancing along. The first dress is a camel shade of brown, and is a turtleneck, with sparkly beading starting at about the navel and becoming more dense at the bottom. Lovely. The model has gorgeous, long, straight, red hair. Next is a dress that looks kind of like a rock garden. That's just what leapt immediately to mind when I saw it. There's a band of black around the breastline, and the cups don't seem to fit very well. I'm not feeling this one. The next dress is almost like a white negligee, with feathers at the bottom. Next is an odd outfit that consists of sparkly black shorts, a metallic gold blazer, and a puff of gold fabric at the shoulder. Next is a partially see-through, floor-length black dress, with amazing detail. Note to model: black bra next time. Next is a similarly see-through detailed black dress, but with black fur as the shoulders. Pretty! Next is sort of a combination of previous dresses. The top is the see-through black detail, the bottom is composed of black feathers. The next dress is black, with crisscross designs, and a cowl of black feathers at each shoulder. Next is a model with a terrible, terrible walk. The dress is black, and also has two cowls of black feathers, this time as the cup of the breasts. Next is a black dress that I'd usually dislike, because it has multiple layers of fringe. I'm anti-multiple layers AND anti-fringe. And yet this works. Helping are the loose bands around the ankles, which whip around awesomely. Next, a black suit with tight-fitting pants that look kind of like vinyl, and another detailed top. Finally, Camilla in a beautiful gray spangly dress with a sash of mustard yellow around the waist. Applause, etc. I'm so tired of describing clothes. Must! Get! Through!

The crowd goes nuts for Michael. He explains that his collection is called "Street Safari" and is about a woman on the hunt to discover who she is. Oh, dear. Judging from the first outfit, the woman's going to discover that she's a stone-cold hoochie. It's a sleeveless white dress with a collar that is open in the chest, and is crisscrossed with white laces. There's also a blindingly gold belt. Another terrible walk. Gnat says that it looks like the model's head is about to fall off. Next is a pair of white shorts and a knotted top. Next, a variation on the first outfit, but as a short skirt instead of a dress. Next, tight white pants, an open white shirt, and those awful sequined pockets that made me want to hurl last week. Oof. Next is a jungle green outfit, and I'm sorry to use the word "hoochie" so much, but there's just no other way to describe it. The next one, I like. It's a short...I guess you'd call it a sundress. It's just as risque, but it's a fiery yellow/orange color that I love. The next is dark orange shorts and a midriff-baring, matching top with a tall collar. Next, a magenta dress with the same laced chest and gold belt as the first. Next is a slinky, metallic, gold bathing suit. It's hot. Then there a print minidress with a leather belt. Another swimsuit, this one in crisscrossing white fabric. Finally, Clarissa in a longer version of the print minidress. Oh, Michael. I'm just so...let down. Applause, etc.

After show interviews. All four finalists are thrilled with the response they're getting. Brandy loved Michael and Uli's collections. A suit from WalMart says he's there to see what's going on the fashion world. I assume he's hiding his cloven hoofs with some nice shoes. Chloe apologizes to Michael via the camera, but thinks Uli's was the best. Some suit from L'oreal liked Laura's collection. The WalMart devil liked Uli's collection, but liked Michael more over the course of the season. And God damn it, we have to check in with Raymundo again. Why am I still seeing his face? He sucked, and got chunked third! Some random woman liked Jeffrey's passion. Heidi asks the WalMart devil if anyone's going to be picked up for his store. Elsewhere, Laura, Michael, Uli, and Jeffrey simultaneously shudder violently, and don't know why. Kayne thinks Uli rocked the shit out. He's got his arm around Katie, who doesn't get to say a word, because who cares what the opinion of the person who came in third-to-last is? RIGHT, RAYMUNDO?

Commercials. Marie Antoinette. More like Marie Antoi-NOT.

Parsons runway. The judges think the show was great. Fern says that everyone in the world wanted to be at that show. Fern, I'm a member of the world, and I'm just as happy watching it from my couch with a pint of Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch in front of me, thanks. The designers come out onto the runway. Heidi congratulates them all. Prizes are recapped. Fern is reintroduced. The models emerge. Just the main ones from the show. Not all 48, although that would have been funny. We start the critiques with Laura. She says she wanted to do a line of eveningwear that was romantic and escapist. The judges tell her that she made $8000 look like $30,000, and they're right. Kors is impressed at the level of detail in her beading. He thinks all of the outfits were gorgeous, but there were no surprises. Well, you can thank Tim for that. Nina reminds her that she's always known that a narrow design aesthetic was the judges' chief complaint, and it seems she didn't address that for the final show. Laura responds with something about the feather jackets and hem stiffness. Fern says that when doing eveningwear, it's perfectly acceptable to maintain a specific focus. Gnat begins to love Fern as much as I do.

Michael. He talks about his safari inspirations. Fern says that he was clearly the crowd favorite, and she wishes the collection stood up to that. She liked specific pieces, but was disappointed overall. LOVE FERN. Kors doesn't understand how Michael went so over-the-top. Michael says he really wanted to get a strong point of view across, but that he's still young, and hasn't done anything on this large a scale before. Nina and Heidi appreciated the range of outfits. Michael wraps up with "I did what I could do," and chews his lip nervously. Jeffrey talks about his Japanese ghost story inspirations. Fern likes the detailing on the dress Marilinda is wearing. Kors likes that he dressed the models along a kind of life timeline. Fern liked the edgier pieces he did, but didn't care for the times when he attempted elegance (bringing up the royal blue pieces as the example). Heidi informs the others that Jeffrey went overbudget. He explains how he got the figure back down. Uli wanted to show that she can do more than prints. Nina tells her that she thinks her clothes are terrific, and that women love them and will buy them. She says this all in a way that suggests a giant "BUT" is coming up, and it never does. Huh. Heidi says she'd wear every outfit that Uli made. Aw. Kors felt that there wasn't a connecting thread to the collection as far as color goes. Uli says that she wanted to show that she could use neutral colors, but that her inspiration comes from where she lives, which is very vibrant. She shrugs that maybe she should move to New York. Fern flies to her defense, saying that resortwear is possibly the biggest niche of fashion right now, and that Miami and sunshine are good inspirations. LOVE FERN. The designers are dismissed.

Deliberations. Uli makes clothes that women want. She's a good worker with an eye for detail. Kors says the overall season was a roller coaster for her, which means that her previous triumphs and disappointments are being considered. You'll want to remember that. Jeffrey is the most innovative of the designers. He had good variety without being unfocused. Everyone hated the long dress with what I called the cloud pattern. Heidi asks the other judges what they think of him going overbudget. We cut away so we can't hear the other judges say "What the fuck ever". Laura is incredibly meticulous. Her pieces are beautiful and timeless. Nina doesn't know if she's creative or innovative enough. As Fern said, so what? Think of some famous designers like Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger. Their aesthetic is just as narrow. Michael understands a woman's body, but his collection was tasteless. His motivations were noble, though. They like and dislike things about all four collections. Nina said that someone asked her on the way out of the show how to buy Uli's clothing. They seem to make a decision fairly quickly. The designers are brought back out.

And now for the final nice thing about someone I don't like: A lot of the other passengers on the Metro are irritating freaks, but hey, them not driving helps out the environment, which I'm always for.

Heidi says this was a hard decision. The judges believe in Michael's future as a designer, but he needs time to mature. He's out. He hugs his family backstage. He believes in himself, and vows to be back. I don't doubt it. Laura creates exquisite clothing, but is too limited. She's out. She thanks the judges. She says in her final interview that she achieved everything she was going for with the collection, and is completely at peace with the judges' decision. You rock, Laura. She knows that her participation in the world of fashion is just beginning. Uli and Jeffrey hug out on the runway. Jeffrey was innovative. Uli pushed herself, and made a beautiful collection. Congratulations...Jeffrey. Oh, fuck this. Let's get through the show bits first. Uli gives him another hug, gets the double kiss from Heidi, and goes backstage. She's happy for Jeffrey, and is fine with second place. Marilinda comes out to join Jeffrey, excited for her attendant win. Melanie, Harrison, and Jeffrey's parents come out so that we can all celebrate the victory of this pompous twat who reduces elderly women to tears. Blah blah "passion". Blah blah "intense happiness". He bounces Harrison around, then gets a congratulatory hug from Tim. He strikes a final HARDCORE pose behind the white screen, and we're done. Except for seeing Tim present him with his new Saturn Sky. It's a cute car, but I wouldn't think white is Jeffrey's color.

So. Season postmortem. First I suppose I should let everyone on all the websites I've been flapping my jaw at have a hearty chuckle at my expense. I never for a single moment thought Jeffrey would win, and have been arguing the reasons why for several weeks now. Yep, I'm an idiot. Laugh away. Got that out of your systems? Good. The reason I thought Jeffrey would never win is that beyond this being a fashion competition, it is a reality show. And reality shows have archetypes. And one of the aspects of the Asshole Archetype is that he or she doesn't win. Sure, sometimes an Asshole will get the Redemption Edit, but aside from being exonerated from cheating and professing undying love for his son, I didn't see that with Jeffrey. So if we're ignoring the clothes completely, I'd rather he have lost based solely on the fact that as a person, he didn't deserve to win. He's mean and artificial and snide and thinks he's about a hundred times cooler than he actually is.

"But Limecrete," I hear you say. "This is a show about clothing. Surely he deserved the win on that level."

Nope, I don't believe so. I did enjoy his final collection. I think that a lot of these pieces were better than most of the ones he did during the show combined. But they still weren't that good. For every one of Jeffrey's pieces that I liked, I liked one of Uli's or Laura's more. Jeffrey won because he pushed himself out of his usual aesthetic. So did Uli. Uli lost because she had so many ups and downs during the season. So did Jeffrey. People are already practically clawing themselves to get their hands on Uli's clothing. Jeffrey did something neat with zippers. So color me disappointed. No, I'm not going to be one of those prissy pearl-clutchers who dramatically announces that they're giving up this show 4-EVAH! But there is something deeply unsatisfying about devoting three months of my life to watching these people work and fight and laugh and cry, only to watch a condescending prick waltz off into the sunset with a spring in his step, and a big toy check in his pocket. Feh.

Overall Grade: C-
Overall Season Grade: B-