I Think This Monkey Likes Me

The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 11

Previously on The Amazing Race: Australia. The Hippies hatched a moronic plan that didn't pan out. The Tools hatched a moronic plan that didn't pan out. MoJo didn't hatch a moronic plan, but managed to be morons anyhow. The Hippies Yielded MoJo, which Monica declared was unfair. Just like taking someone else's checkers when you jump over them. It's so mean! The Detour gave Ray and Yolanda the opportunity they needed to spring into the lead, while the other three teams bickered their way into a three-way race for last place. BJ decided he could totally win a footrace by running on rocks with no shoes on. Funny how that didn't work out. The Hippies came in last again, but were saved again by non-elimination. Four teams still remain. And one of them is definitely getting booted tonight. Who will it be? Anyone but Ray and Yolanda will be fine, thanks.

Opening credits. You know, I kind of miss Frankenberry. I have no idea why.

Australian Outback. Tiresome opening Phil blather. Ray and Yolanda leave the mat at 1:13 AM. The clue tells them to fly to Bangkok, Thailand. Cool! Once there, they go to a bus terminal and hop a bus to the town of Lopburi, almost a hundred miles away. Once in Lopburi, they need to find the three-spire pagoda, where the next clue box will be. Hundreds of sacred monkeys make the pagoda their home, and there's a hilarious shot of a couple monkeys jumping and pulling on the clue box, as if they're trying to pull down the statue of a cruel despot. On their way out, Yolanda leaves a pair of pants on the Hippies' windshield, since they got most of their clothes taken away from the non-elimination leg. They're ready to tackle the leg. The Tools leave the mat at 1:20 AM. We're told that everyone except the Hippies have $203 for this leg. I'm sure that'll make a ton of difference, aren't you? Eric is wearing one of those retarded tuxedo T-shirts that were funny for fourteen seconds in 1983. The Tools drop some flip-flops on the Hippies car. Surprising. I thought the Tools were all about letting other teams sink on their own. Or trying to make them sink by CHEATING. Sorry, I'm still not over that.

MoJo is off at 1:21 AM. Joseph says that there's tension between them and the Hippies. Really? I hadn't noticed. Monica sees the items that other teams have left and sneers that the Hippies are scared of them, because they know that MoJo can beat them in the race. Except on the first leg. And the second leg. And the third/fourth double leg. And the fifth leg. And the sixth leg. MoJo passes the Tools on the way to the airport. The Hippies leave the mat at 1:22 AM. I guess there's a rule that teams must leave at least one minute apart, because the Hippies landed at the mat two seconds after the Tools last week. They raid the nearby Lost & Found for some supplies, then take off. They're lucky they have their cars from the last episode. It would have been interesting to see them try and get a taxi out in the middle of nowhere with no money. BJ blahs that MoJo aren't "giving" people, I guess because they didn't leave clothes or money behind for their mortal enemies. Listen, I'm no MoJo fan, but the Hippies need to stop pretending that everyone likes them, and therefore owes them help. MoJo's already under no obligation to help out their direct competition. Put in the additional bonus of seething hatred, and I really don't think you can make a disparaging comment about MoJo's generosity. Especially when there's so much more that sucks about them.

The airline ticket counters are closed down, but Yolanda reaches someone on the phone that tells her about a flight to Bangkok that connects through Sydney, and arrives at 11:00 PM. She books the tickets. MoJo arrives at the airport. At this point, there's an open counter that they go to. The Tools arrive. The Hippies arrive. BJ pulls on Yolanda's pants, which are an extremely tight fit. Heh. Ray comes outside and tells the Hippies about the flight. See if you can enlighten me on this. The Hippies decide to leave the airport and go beg for some money. Before reserving or buying any airline tickets. Huh? How does that make sense? Get your tickets! Or if this was your plan, why bother going to the airport first at all? I don't get it. Meanwhile, the agent helping MoJo tells them about the same flight Ray and Yolanda are on. They book tickets. The Tools wander up and ask if MoJo's getting help. MoJo answers in the negative, because they're so brilliantly devious. Or fucking stupid. It's patently obvious that the airline agent is helping them, given that it's, you know, HIS JOB. Does MoJo think the Tools are going to be like "He's not? Oh, well then we'd better look elsewhere." It's just... They get bent out of shape about the wrong things. They lie about the wrong things. I'm really at a loss to explain how they got this far. The Tools are done wasting their time, so they wander to the nearby reservations phone and get on the exact same flight.

The Hippies tool around downtown Darwin begging for money. The good, drunken people of Australia help them out. One ugly woman tells BJ to take off his shirt for money, then asks him to put it back on. Heh. When they get back to the airport, guess what? The flight is full. Dumbasses. The other teams board their flight and take off. The Hippies scramble for another flight. We go out on a voiceover of Tyler saying "It looks like today, the nice guys finish last." No, Ray and Yolanda seem to be doing fine, thanks.

Commercials. Is Catherine Zeta Jones ever going to make another movie, or is she just content to do cell phone commercials now?

The Hippies hit a stroke of luck. Some seats just became available on a flight through Perth, arriving in Bangkok fifteen minutes before the other one. They're obviously thrilled. Phil explains the entire flight-bus-pagoda thing again. Yes, we were here the first time you said it, Phil. On the other hand, it's a good excuse to show monkeys climbing all over everything again. It looks like the Hippies' luck was very fleeting, because the other flight gets in first after all - 45 minutes early. Wacky airlines. The Tools and Ray and Yolanda hop in cabs to get to the bus terminal. MoJo dithers over their cab driver, convinced they're going to get ripped off. I'm not working off the information they are, so I'm not going to leap to the MoJo-as-racists assumption. Still, it's interesting that they never had issues with cab drivers in places like Australia or Germany. It's worth an eyebrow raise.

The Tools are first to the bus station. They hop on a bus departing at midnight. They hope nobody else will make it onto their bus. Their hopes are wonderfully destroyed as Ray and Yolanda show up and join them. According to a nearby clock, there's still more than twenty minutes to go. Shit, MoJo's got plenty of time to catch up. But what's this? MoJo arrives at the bus station. The main window showing Lopburi is closed, and their cab driver tells them they won't be able to purchase tickets until it opens. Joseph asks about the open window where the other teams got their tickets, but the cab driver seems to think that guy won't sell them tickets to Lopburi. The window won't open until 4:50 AM. MoJo decides to head to a hotel for the night. Ouch! A tiny little part of me feels bad for them, because they did inquire (twice, actually) if the other window would sell them a ticket. Still, with a million dollars on the line, I'd probably ask at the open window anyway. Worst thing that'll happen is they'll say no. Either the cab driver really is ripping them off, or he's trying to be helpful, and is really bad at it. The upshot is that MoJo screws themselves into waiting almost five hours for another bus, and bad things happening to MoJo makes me happy.

The Hippies' flight lands, having been delayed a little bit. They arrive at the bus station. This time, it's really closed, and they're told to come back at 5:00 AM. They sack out on some nearby chairs. Turns out the bus station opens way earlier than 4:50. In fact, there's a 4:20 bus to Lopburi. Yes, feel free to make the "toke" fingers because hippies are taking a bus at 4:20. I'll admit I did. They take off. MoJo is a bit perturbed to see the bus station already crowded with people when they arrive. They get tickets on the 5:20 bus, and are worried and confused that no other teams are with them when it departs.

Bus #1 arrives. Both lead teams get taxis to the pagoda, which doesn't open until 8:00 AM. It's not even 6 AM yet, so we're due for some catching up. The teams hang out on the sidewalk. The sun rises. A monkey yawns widely. Hehehe. So cute. Another one does a flip off of the clue box. There are more wandering through the streets. Jeremy gives one a potato chip. Ray and Yolanda are less open to socializing with what they call "rats on steroids". Heh. A few monkeys leap onto Eric, which I have to admit looks simultaneously terrifying and cool. The Hippies arrive while everyone's still waiting. The gates open shortly thereafter, and everyone streams in. Roadblock and/or Fast Forward! There's also an additional envelope that tells them not to open it until the pitstop. Phil explains the FF first. It's the last one on the race. Bring back the FF on every leg! Um...also. I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Phil's pants are very tight in this episode. No, tighter than that. I feel like I've already slept with him. Anyhow, Phil's penis explains that in this FF, teams travel two miles by taxi to a restaurant, where they will enjoy an "activity" commonly enjoyed in Thailand. What they don't know is that the task will be to eat a heaping bowl of grasshoppers and crickets. Feh. I don't like volume eating tasks. Making them eat some cooked bugs is fine. But this is a gigantic bowl. People who like eating cooked bugs would have trouble with this. First team to finish their bowls gets the FF, and can go straight to the pit stop.

The Hippies decide to try for the FF. So do Ray and Yolanda. The Tools have already used theirs, so they forge ahead with the Roadblock. In this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to prepare a monkey feast. Basically, it's arranging a bunch of fruit on a table in a specific way, working off a provided example. Eric takes it. He starts slicing carrots and pears, and wonders where the other teams went. Where do you think, crapweasel? The Hippies arrive at the restaurant. In Ray and Yolanda's cab, Yolanda wonders what could be the "after school favorite" hinted at in the FF. "A game of football? Cricket?" Hehe. Nice. The Hippies discover what they have to do. Tyler describes the meal as "fingernails with guts inside". Yum. Ray and Yolanda arrive. Both teams try to intimidate the other one into giving up and going back to the Roadblock. "We're from the South. We'll eat anything fried," Yolanda ribs. Ha! She's hilarious. Both teams settle down, neither looking too wowed about it. After trying a few, Yolanda's like "Um, no." Ray rightly points out that they haven't wasted that much time - they can still probably get back to the Roadblock and be OK. That's all she needs to hear, and after wishing the Hippies luck, Ray and Yolanda ditch.

Unfortunately, while Ray and Yolanda are on their way back, MoJo shows up. Joseph takes the Roadblock, while Monica whines unhelpfully about how they're totally out of the race now. While Eric and Joseph prepare their monkey feast, Monica asks Jeremy what time their bus was. Upon hearing that it was at midnight, Monica gets the most awesome look of disgust on her face. We had to rewind and freeze on it, just to catch the exact moment when she realizes how badly they've screwed up.

Blood Ray: "She's trying to figure out who she can blame for this."

Jeremy lets Joseph know that one team is going to come back from the FF, so MoJo's not in last. Boo! Let them squirm a little, dude. Monica tells Jeremy she thought MoJo was in the lead. "Man, did you think wrong," Jeremy replies, and mark your calendars. I just loved one of the Tools for a moment. Monkeys climb all over everything. In the cab, Yolanda decides to do the monkey feast. They arrive back at the Roadblock. Joseph's pissed that the Hippies are going to get the FF. Ray tells them about all the bugs the Hippies will have to eat, and that does seem to cheer everyone up. A monkey steals some food off of Yolanda's table. "Hey! Monkey!" she yelps. Hahahahaha! I love this Roadblock. The Hippies eat bugs. Back at the Awesomest Roadblock, monkeys steal food off Eric's table. He yells at them and calls them bastards. Assume I'm laughing my ass off throughout this whole thing. Monkeys steal food off Joseph's table. At least they're equal opportunity thieves. There another chorus of "damn monkeys" from pretty much all three of the Roadblockers. Eric finishes first. He and some guy carry the table over to one of the spires. Monkeys swarm all over it. The Tools' clue tells them to take a ferry to "Cold Cut" Island. Huh? Oh. Thanks, subtitles. It's actually Koh Kret Island. Cold Cut Island would have been great, though. Once there, they go to the Buddha garden, which is a meditation spot, and looks lovely. The next clue box is on the grounds.

The Tools leave. The Hippies eat bugs. They gag and throw up. I am sick of this show making teams eat until they vomit. It's obvious that it's the volume of the bugs, not the taste that's doing it, and that's just nasty. It's not funny. It's not entertaining. I don't watch Fear Factor for a reason. If I wanted to watch someone throw up, I'd go out and drink myself stupid. Back at the Awesomest Roadblock, there's a comparison shot of a monkey and Monica eating messily. Hahaha! First the camel, and now this. The editors hate Monica as much as I do. Sweet. Yolanda affects a fake accent and says "You cannot rush an artissssst." I just love her so much. Joseph is next to finish his table. Carrying. Monkey swarm. Yolanda finishes. Carrying. Monkey swarm. Ray describes it as "monkey heaven" and is glad to know that they're only a couple of minutes behind - plus the Hippies are likely to be having trouble with those bugs. Cut to the Hippies having trouble with those bugs. More throwing up. The Hippies discuss whether or not they should give up and head for the Roadblock. They look like they know that that would be game suicide at this point.

Commercials. I don't know why Hardee's insists on making their food look as unappetizing as possible. Do people hear that disgusting burger plop sound and think "Gee, I could really go for that!"?

I'm skipping the rest of this ridiculous task. Suffice it to say that the Hippies do eventually finish their bugs and win the FF. The Tools jump on the ferry. One of them describes the crossing as "a unique experience for myself". There are several words and phrases people use incorrectly in the mistaken belief that it will make them sound more intelligent. The top three most annoying are:

3) "Myself". The word that Tool was looking for was me. Yes, it's only two letters. Yes, it's only one syllable. It may be an unimpressive word, but it's still correct in this context.

2) "and I". Jesus, what do people have against the word me? No, James didn't give Thomas and I a blowjob. He gave Thomas and me a blowjob. That James sure is a slut. Remind me to give him a call.

1) "Whom". Such a classy word, that whom. It's like who got all dressed up in a nice tuxedo. And just as a tuxedo isn't always appropriate, neither is whom. "We walked around the neighborhood looking for James, whom we heard is a giant slut." No. Substituting who for whom because it sounds less formal and stilted can be fine. Substituting whom for who because you think it sounds fancier is not.

Sorry for getting all pedantic and snotty, but those three bug the shit out of me. Anyway, did you know there's this race? And that it is occasionally amazing? The Tools arrive at the garden and find the clue box with no difficulty. Detour! Phil's penis explains the choices: Move It or Altar It. In Move It, teams walk to a pottery factory. They then have to transport 72 clay pots to a boat on the river. These pots have to be carried by balancing them in a single-file row on a wooden plank. In Altar It, teams walk to a Buddhist temple. Once there, they assemble a mini-shrine, and cover a statue of Buddha in meticulous gold-leaf. Interesting choice. I honestly don't know which I'd be faster at. The Tools choose Altar It, based on their abysmal performance in the physical Detour last week. MoJo catches the next ferry and vows to not make any more mistakes. Mwahahaha! Ray and Yolanda catch the next ferry. MoJo's plan to not make mistakes backfires as they walk off they ferry and instantly...make a mistake. It looks like they walk to the Buddhist temple for Altar It, but they haven't found the Detour clue that directs them there. Ray and Yolanda, on the other hand, instantly find the garden, passing the exiting Tools on their way in. They choose Altar It as well. As they leave, MoJo finds the place. They figure they know where the shrine is, so run for Altar It.

The Hippies are off to the pitstop, the Marble Temple, which is a gorgeous shrine. The Tools arrive at Altar It, and get started. Ray and Yolanda are right behind them. When MoJo shows up, Joseph figures they should ditch and head for Move It. I see where he's coming from. He figures that since the other teams have already started, there's no reasonable way to assume that they can pass anyone on such a simple task, so the only way MoJo can possibly make up any ground is to try the other Detour option and hope it's faster. It's probably the right choice strategically, but... Well, you'll see. The gold-leafing teams try to make themselves slow down and concentrate on their statues. Yolanda notes the departing MoJo and hopes that the other Detour is "one of those tasks that pisses you off so much, you can't even complete it." Hehe.

MoJo arrives at Move It. They load up planks and start walking. Joseph's strong, and manages to set his double-wide on the plank, so he can carry twice as many. Smart idea. He loses control of his plank, and a couple pots smash on the ground. Whoops. He tries to cajole some woman into leaving her shop and walking him to the boat, but she's not so keen on the idea of abandoning her job to help out the jerk who's snapping at her. Another pot tumbles and smashes. The Hippies are pleased with themselves. They arrive at the pitstop and skip up to the mat. Phil and the pretty greeter exchange eye rolls, like, "Can you believe these twits?". Phil's penis informs the Hippies that they are team number one, and now they can open the clue they received at the pagoda. If there's a golden gnome inside, they win something. Alas, it is a regular gnome. The Hippies are still happy to be in the final race to the finish line.

MoJo spots the boat. They drop off their load of pots and count them. There are forty-six, which means they need twenty-six more. Monica says this is the hardest thing she's ever had to do, which she also said about that insanely easy task where she had to carry a dead fish for about four blocks. The gold-leaf teams are still chugging away. The Tools are toolish. After some more work, the Tools think they're done. However, there are bits of gold-leaf sticking up everywhere, and the temple guy mimes that they must be pressed down before the task is complete. They do, and they get their pitstop clue. Ray and Yolanda get the same "press this crap down" gesture. They hope MoJo is struggling. Cut to Monica making the sign of the cross. Let's see if Jesus is with her. Smash! Crash! Heh. Guess not. She breaks all but about six of her pots. She starts to get upset. Joseph tries to encourage her, but we're seen his encouragement before, which basically consists of him yelling at her not to get upset. Crash! Boom! More of Monica's pots tumble. A bunch of dogs begin barking at her, only adding to the chaos. Hehehehe. I love it. We go into the break on a slow-motion shot of her being forced to walk all the way to the boat with...two pots. Hahahahaha!!!!

Commercials. A bunch of crappy CBS crime dramas I'm not interested in. Sorry, Mandy Patinkin. I loved you in Dead Like Me, though.

Monica continues weeping and apologizes for screwing everything up. Joseph kindly yells back that everything is OK. It's nice, but as they drop off their pots, we see that she did pretty much doom them. They have sixty-five pots, which means they have to make a third trip, albeit a short one (seven pots). Monica is still upset at herself. While I love to see MoJo in peril, I am glad that she's turning this into an apology and not a litany of complaints about the task or other teams. The Tools can't find a taxi. Ray and Yolanda finish their statue. Joseph loads up his plank with way more than seven pots (good idea), and Monica walks alongside him, not carrying any (also a good idea). He drops them off, and they're finished. They dash off, trying to convince themselves they've still got a shot. Which they do. You never know what disaster will befall another team. The Tools finally flag down a cab. Ray and Yolanda have no trouble finding one. MoJo gets off their ferry and into a cab.

So, another three-way race to avoid being last. Yikes. The Tools hit some bad traffic. Ray and Yolanda's driver seems to be making better time. Go, go, go! MoJo is still trying to comfort themselves into thinking the gold-leaf took a long time. Their cab is flying. And coming into the pitstop is... Well, the Tools, of course. They're team number two, and do not have the golden gnome. Oh, come on, Ray and Yolanda. Pleasepleaseplease. It's edited to look like both teams arrive at the shrine at about the same time, but who knows? Ray and Yolanda are stopped at the entrance, and Yolanda is told she needs to cover her arms before entering. Ooooh! Hurry! They provide a vibrant top that she pulls on. Monica has no such arm covering issues. Aaaaggggh! And team number three is... Is... Ray and Yolanda! Yes! And hey! Their clue contains the golden gnome! So even though they're team number three, they win a cruise around Sydney in a private yacht, a tour through Australian wine country, and time at the Great Barrier Reef. Not only that, but while the rest of the teams hang out at the shrine, Ray and Yolanda will spend the night in a luxury hotel. I couldn't ask for a better ending to the leg. Oh, wait. I could.

Welcome, MoJo. You are last, and you are eliminated. There we go. They say they've had a wonderful time. Monica cries, and when Joseph tells her not to, she says that they're really tears of joy, because she's enjoyed the experience so much. They love each other, and will probably get married. Well, that's nice. I'm still not sorry to see them go. And now, the traditional Final Three pissing contest that I loathe so. All three teams think they can win. The Tools say that the Hippies are followers. The Hippies think they can get some sort of advantage over the Tools. Yolanda doesn't think any of the three teams have the race in the bag. "There's nothing right now that's stopping BJ and I from winning The Amazing Race," Tyler says. Gah!!! Yes, there is! It's the giant brick sailing at your head with the words BJ AND ME written on it in big block letters.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Amusement park rides. That's not very amazing. Looks like Mount Fuji makes a majestic appearance, as does the frigid north of our fair continent. Ray encounters a language barrier. The Tools can't find a cab. That seems to be a theme with them. The Hippies may miss an important flight. That seems to be a theme with them. And somebody wins a million dollars. Come on, Ray and Yolanda! I know it's unlikely, but that's what I said about Uchenna and Joyce.

Overall Grade: A