The Girl Who Graduates

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 6

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Michelle sort of came out. Janice Dickinson made the girls look foolish. Like they need the help. Melrose rocked the photo shoot, while AJ's "attitude" got her eliminated. I prefer to think it was because of the hat. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Model pad. Someone went grocery shopping, and the girls carp gently over what was purchased. Eugena is pretty much fed up with everyone else. She says that Jaeda's always whining about her hair, CariDee can't keep her clothes on, Anchal never stops complaining, and Melrose is a backstabbing ho. Despite being a firm Melrose fan now, I have no problems believing any of that. I wouldn't last a day in that house without going batshit. I'm impressed Eugena was able to last so long. Anchal is still self-conscious about her weight. I didn't notice it before, but the runway in the model pad is equipped with a camera and monitor, so the girls can actually watch themselves walking. Swanky. Night falls.

Morning. Brooke receives a package with a bunch of graduation-themed stuff in it. She's missing both graduation and prom to compete, which she's a little bummed about. Melrose wanders out into the backyard and "discovers" a bunch of photo equipment set up. She's met by Elyssa, who apparently produces all of the photo shoots. Elyssa's only there to introduce Tyra as the photographer, because without that introduction, Tyra wouldn't be able to make a grand entrance. We see some of the "work" that she's done as a photographer before she tells Melrose that she'll be shooting the girls today for an edgy black and white shot. She wants the girls to look angry and evil, but still exude sex appeal. To help with the evil part, the girls will be wearing some scary-ass contact lenses. Melrose is first, and has contacts that give her white irises. Brooke has the same ones. I guess we're supposed to think that the evil is being helped along by giving the girls really high bangs. I guess that works. The mall bangs the girls worked in junior high were pretty damn scary. Eugena's contacts are also white, but they're in a cat-eye shape. Cool! We never really get a closeup of Michelle.

Jaeda looks appropriately evil. She interviews that she doesn't like looking freaky; she'd rather be the pretty girl. There's a yearbook shot of her and a couple of sparkle-tooth "ding!" noises. Heh. Amanda's got the cat-eye, and starts off weak. When Tyra tells her to strike sharper poses, she does. Anchal's also got the silver cat-eye, and that color contrasting with her dark skin looks amazing. CariDee has the white iris effect. She enjoys being all scary, and does a great job. When she's done, she tells Tyra she's going to change back into Normal CariDee. I guess she doesn't realize that that's just as unsettling. Ba-zing!

That evening, the girls get some Tyra Mail that asks them if they're ready to flaunt their assets. I'm just glad it didn't say "flout" their assets, because learn the difference between those two words, America. CariDee gets all excited, hoping they'll be in lingerie. Why do I get the feeling that CariDee's bedpost has a lot of notch-marks in it? The next morning, the Monster Escalade drops the girls at a small theater. They're met by... Ick. It's that stylist (Sutan) that I dislike so much, I felt the need to comment on him before. I even suggested we see him look even more ridiculous, and let that be a lesson to be careful what we wish for. Here he is in drag, and yeah. Not an improvement. He says that the girls will be shown the fundamentals of being sexy, and introduces a "well-known" burlesque performer, Dita von Teese. She's very pretty, and does a little dance for the girls before sitting in a giant martini. No, really. Melrose tells Eugena that Dita is married to Marilyn Manson. Really? How does that guy keep scoring hot women? Rose McGowan could do so much better.

After getting dressed, she comes out and gives the girls a few tips on looking sexy without going over-the-top. She suggests using props, which leads us to a mini-challenge. The girls will need to strut their stuff across stage, using a prop. Sutan gives Anchal some unhelpful advice. She does her best with a sunflower, but is very uncomfortable. Michelle works a riding crop, interviewing that she's more used to being a tomboy. Melrose also has the riding crop, and struts around in a very stripper-like fashion, which Eugena gleefully points out to us. CariDee thinks Eugena doesn't have enough emotion, despite her gold pom-pons. Jaeda finds it difficult to act sexy with her short hair. She does fairly well with her pink boa. Amanda's got the sunflower. I think she kind of sucks, but Dita disagrees with me. The music ramps up for CariDee embarrassing strut. We're well beyond stripper and into streetwalker. Shocking. Brooke has a difficult time, but tries her best. Dita tells the girls to act with confidence and not second-guess themselves. Shot of Anchal, naturally.

Model pad. Jaeda is still going on about having long, luscious hair, and seriously. Enough with that now. Don't pull a Cassandra on us, Jaeda. Eugena interviews that she's tired of listening to Jaeda whine about her hair, and will be glad to see another girl go. She doesn't much care who. After the commercials, the girls get some Tyra Mail that mentions keeping their elbows off the table, but not their feet. CariDee must feel right at home. The Monster Escalade drops the girls at some house, where they meet Cathy Gould, the director of a modeling agency. With her is "supermodel" Kylie Bax. Not that I soak myself in the world of fashion or anything, but I've never heard of this woman. Let's not give her the "super" prefix just yet. Cathy introduces the upcoming challenge, which is so fucking stupid. Basically, the girls will walk up and down a dining room table, being "sexy" while people sit around watching them. Anchal is nervous again, because she doesn't have as toned a body as the other girls. Consider that theme understood, editors.

The challenge is really, really boring. The upshot is that Melrose does a great job, as usual, and Cathy feels that Anchal doesn't have a typical "runway body". I guess that's nicer than making a big MOOOOOOO sound. Melrose wins the challenge. The prize is an editorial spread in Seventeen. CariDee is pissed in her interview that Melrose wins so many challenges. Well, maybe you'd win if you didn't act like such a spazzy hooker all the time. Melrose gets to choose three friends to appear in the spread with her, and she picks Brooke, Michelle, and Amanda. There's a quick, badly-edited soundbite to make Eugena seem jealous of Melrose's win. Nice try, show. Melrose interviews that it's ironic that she's the oldest girl, but wins a spread in Seventeen. Melrose can correctly use the word ironic! I love her even more now. She and her chosen "friends" go to get their picture taken, and they're met by Atoosa Rubenstein. Fuck! Not that bitch again! Beau Quillian is present to help get the girls styled. Oof, someone's gone down in the world. At least he looks a little better now. The girls get photographed, and they all look quite nice.

That evening, at the model pad, Anchal whines about her lack of confidence, and blah blah I'll let you know if anything new pops up. CariDee tells her that once she starts eating better, she'll feel better. Anchal says that having CariDee talk to her and coach her helps her a lot. And if you watched this scene with a puzzled frown, because Melrose told her almost the exact same things and was branded a horrendous bitch for doing so, you're in good company. Commercials. When we return, CariDee reads a passage of Tyra Mail written in the melodramatic vein of a romance novel. I'm really distracted by the fact that a lot of the girls have huge bangs and weird high ponytails for no reason in this scene. Are they having a Debbie Gibson lookalike contest?

The next morning, the Monster Escalade drops the girls at a very nice estate. You'll can tell it's nice, because I used the word "estate" instead of "house". OJ springs out, plants his hands on his hips, and looks just as ugly and ridiculous as ever. He tells the girls to try and find the right side of the sexy/sleazy line, and lets them know that the photo shoot today will be recreations of romance novel covers. They show Melrose being excited at the news, but I'm more drawn by Jaeda's extremely sour face in the background. Each of the girls has a separate story to portray, which we'll get to when they're photographed. OJ introduces the photographer, Randee St. Nicholas. Nice name. What, Titty McGee was already taken? The girls get some makeup done before coming out to meet their costar. Why, it's Fabio! I guess his pressing schedule of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercials eased up a little bit. The girls are excited to meet him, Eugena saying how well she remembers his covers when she was a little girl. Heh, seriously. How old is he now? OK, I was curious enough to look it up. He's forty-seven, and looks damn fine for it. I'd like to know what he does as far as skin care.

CariDee is up first. She's portraying a peasant girl in love with a rich man. She actually reigns in the spazzy hooker routine, and looks very good. Fabio and OJ are impressed. Amanda is leaving Fabio for another woman. Er, I don't remember romance novels being heavy on the lesbian love, but whatever. Amanda is confused about how to convey this. Jeez, no kidding. Consequently, she doesn't do very well. She and Michelle talk with Fabio about how they like their own space, and are two very separate people. They ask if he ever wanted to be a twin, and he's all "Sure, why not?". Yeah, having an identical twin would be fun. Michelle's scenario is that she has a secret love child with Fabio. She says that lying in bed with a man and fake baby is very "different" for her. Well, I'd sure hope so. She's fairly uncomfortable during the shoot. Anchal is an Egyptian queen, and looks fucking awesome. There's just no other way to put it. Fabio is thrilled with her.

Eugena's scenario is getting caught with her secret lover. She's meh, as always. Jaeda plays a girl who falls in love with a vampire and gets bitten. Whoever styled her hair knows what he or she is doing, because she looks fantastic. She does several poses where she hangs limply, which makes sense given her story. When OJ suggests that she can do more active posing and grabbing, she jumps right in and does so. Brooke is next. She plays a woman desperately holding on to her man, who's leaving her. She clings to Fabio's leg and looks cartoonishly anguished. There's a lot of folderol about her growing up and finding herself as a person, and blah blah blah. Finally, there's Melrose, who plays a madam in a brothel. She does a fantastic job, of course. I know that there's no way in hell Melrose is going to win the season, because she's been given too much of the Bitch Edit (of course, I said the same thing about Jeffrey), but I'm pulling for her at this point.

Evening. Tyra Mail. Someone's gettin' eliminated. Brooke interviews that her high school graduation is during the panel judging tomorrow, and if she gets eliminated on the evening that she's supposed to be walking across stage to accept her diploma, that's going to suck. Indeed. Anchal worries that the guest judge is going to be Cathy, who thinks Anchal is a fatass. After commercials, we enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra as a romance cover model. By herself, of course. And variations of the word "Tyra" and the word "Banks" appear three times. I'd ask to see the cover featuring Tyra's ego, but it'd be bigger than the AIDS quilt. And good God, check out her wig for panel. I don't even know how to describe it. It's voluminous and curly and juts out to one side. Combined with the fact that she appears to be kind of pissed off, she looks like she's about to shove Gretel in the oven. Prizes are recapped. Judges are introduced. Unfortunately for Anchal, her fear that Cathy would be the guest judge has come to pass. Boring! It should have been Fabio, or at least Dita. No final challenge this week, and we get right to the individual evaluations.

Up first is Anchal. Her black and white "scary" shot is terrific. The judges love it, but Tyra warns her to not let the makeup do all the work. It is true that the white contacts really contribute to the fact that the shot is so good. Not that that's Anchal's fault. Her romance cover shot is equally good. She is on fire this week. What was up with the forty bazillion segments about her body and confidence issues if she's going to do this well? Cathy likes the romance shot. Tyra warns Anchal not to back her butt up in a hoochie type of way. I confess that I'd have the same problem if asked to do that pose. Up next is Amanda. Her B&W shot isn't good. The judges disagree with me. Tyra brings up the fact that Amanda responded to direction well, which you'll want to remember. Her romance novel shot actually doesn't get a lot of comment, possibly because it's kind of dull, but the judges don't want to admit it. CariDee did a very nice job in the B&W, and Tyra loves how much she committed to the scary posing. Twiggy says that her romance novel shot shows a soft side previously unseen. I'd agree with that. In fact, the only criticism of CariDee that they can come up with is that she's wearing too much makeup to judging.

Brooke. They call her B&W shot "interesting". Ooh, that's not good news. Tyra says that there are two sides to Brooke: the newscaster girl and the photo shoot Brooke. Apparently, the photo shoot Brooke is good. I don't know, Tyra's babbling again. The judges like the longshot of her romance novel shot, but say that she has no expression in her eyes in the closeup. Twiggy likes Brooke's frown in the photo, but that's about the only good thing they say. Michelle. Her B&W features her sticking her tongue out to the side. It looks pretty good, and Tyra gives her credit for "stepping out of the box". Pardon me while I become totally juvenile for a moment. HAHAHAHAHA! OK, I'm done. Her romance novel shot isn't as good, since she's visibly uncomfortable. Michelle says it might be due to the fact that she's never laid in bed with another person. Tyra pounces upon this as a weak excuse that Michelle is trying to use to disavow responsibility for a bad shot. Jump to conclusions much, Tyra? She's offering a possible explanation for why she didn't do as well this week! It's perfectly reasonable! I think some chemicals in that shitty wig are soaking through to Tyra's brain.

Eugena. Tyra tells her she looks good with straight hair. She does. Her B&W shot is very good. The judges ask her how she was feeling when the picture was taken, and she cautiously opines that she was angry. Something about the way she phrases her answer sets the judges off again, and they tell her that she comes across as unlikeable. It progresses to the point where they directly order her to have manners and charm. Did the judges have some bad shrimp with dinner? Calm the fuck down, assholes! The judges tell her she has dead eyes again in her romance novel shot. Yeah, it's true.

Melrose. I think her B&W shot is gangly. Tyra thinks that she tried to come across as too glamorous. Her romance novel shot gets better reviews. Nigel calls it the best shot of the bunch. Tyra says that acting sexy comes easily to Melrose, but she needs to work on some other stuff. Even though being sexy was supposed to be the entire point of this episode, but there's no stopping the Avalanche of Bitch Tyra's got going right now. Jaeda. Her B&W is, and I hate the overuse of this word, but it's true -- FIERCE. The judges want her to be more enthusiastic at judging, so they'll probably cut her for losing her "spark" at some point, like they did to Toccara. Her romance novel cover is one of the ones towards the beginning, where she was trying to act like the undead woman she is presumably becoming. She looks pretty good. The judges say she looks uncomfortable and out of character. Of course, the fact that she responded well to OJ's direction (just as Amanda responded to Tyra's) is never brought up, and the later shots where she was clearly NOT uncomfortable aren't shown or mentioned, because the judges have a hard-on for beating up on Jaeda. Whatever. Fuck off, judges.

The girls are dismissed. Commercials. Deliberations. Twiggy likes Brooke, but Nigel and Cathy agree that she gives off too much of a pageant vibe. Anchal is exotic and sexy, but is "too pretty", whatever that means. Amanda has reached her "defining moment", which I don't take from these bland-ass pictures at all. The usual bullshit about Jaeda. CariDee is great, but is too eager. Eugena's attitude stinks. Melrose is uncomfortable being "freaky". Or something. Michelle didn't have the best week, and of course Tyra has to bring up the whole "excuses" thing, which MICHELLE NEVER DID. GAH! SHUT THE FUCK UP, TYRA. Elimination. Amanda is safe. CariDee. Anchal. Melrose. Jaeda. Well, good. Michelle is safe. Would you like to place bets on whether or not Tyra brings up the "excuses" thing again? You wouldn't? I don't blame you. Would Brooke and Eugena please step forward? Now, this is odd. Because after all the stupid crap these judges have been spewing for the past five minutes, this is actually the correct bottom two, in my opinion. Uncanny.

Brooke has a great personality, but doesn't have much model potential. Eugena has obvious potential, but has no respect or humility. At this point, I'm entirely convinced that Eugena is on her way out, so I'm shocked to see her get her photo. Wow. She gives Brooke a hug. Brooke starts to cry as she walks over to hug the other girls, and bemoans that fact that she's missing her high school graduation to get eliminated. A fair enough thing to bemoan. Tyra, still in her ungracious bitch mode, cannot let this pass unchallenged. Brooke wails piteously, and begins to walk out while expressing love for her fellow contestants. Tyra interrupts to harangue her for having the nerve to be upset at getting eliminated on the eve of her graduation, snotting that a lot of girls would be happy to be in Brooke's place right now. Really? I'm not sure I'd agree that there are many people who would like to be on the business end of a bullshit lecture delivered by a megalomaniacal cunt. Brooke has the good grace to agree and hug Tyra, rather than spitting in her face, which is what I wish she would have done.

Brooke's final interview talks about how she didn't see this elimination coming at all. Yeah, I'm with her on that one. Not that I disagree with her booting. We see her portfolio, and it's really weak. She says that she's given a lot up to be here, but that she wouldn't change anything, given the chance to do it over. She's a good egg. Back to the Future fadeout. Thankfully, this gives us a better view of Jaeda's impressive rack.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: A photo shoot involving attacking a racecar driver. Um, OK. Some Mission Impossible sort of wire work. Anchal and Melrose throw down again.

Overall Grade: C-