America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 4
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Monique was a bitch. Monique was a bitch. Monique was a bitch. Monique got eliminated. Ten girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Model pad. Everyone is relieved that Monique isn't darkening their doorstep anymore. Although I guess she darkens everything, given her horrific childhood problems. A bunch of girls pile into the large shower, apparently trying to recreate Act II of a straight porn movie. They squeal and shriek and have a grand old time. Melrose gets out of bed and comes into the bathroom to ask them to keep it down, so that she can get a few hours of sleep before they have to get up. Isn't she a rancid bitch? No, seriously. The show would like us to think that Melrose is being an insufferable snot...for asking people to stop screaming in the middle of the night. Nice try, show. Megg interviews that she doesn't appreciate Melrose's attitude, because she just wants to rock n' roll, and have a good time. How very HARDCORE of her. Brooke interviews that Melrose rubs everyone the wrong way, and that she's a know-it-all. Yeah, people who want to get three hours' sleep before a competition are such assholes.
Jaeda interviews that her confidence has been shaky ever since they slashed all of her hair off. She says that modeling is way harder work than she thought it'd be. Meanwhile, someone asks Anchal if she wants to come eat with them, and she assents, even though she just ate. She goes to the kitchen and starts cooking four eggs, all of them for herself. I'm not one to give people shit for eating a lot. If I did, I'd instantly be struck by a bolt of lightning. But, yeah. Anchal does seem to be packing it in. She interviews that she doesn't have a flat stomach like the other girls, and has actual hips and larger breasts. I like how she snuck that one in there. Heh. She says she grew up hearing a lot of criticism (shots of her as a kid...aw), but she just takes it in and doesn't say anything.
Tyra Mail! Key words include "twisted", "stretch", and "bend over backwards". Hey, maybe they really are making a porn. The Monster Escalade drops the girls off at a building with some colored lights and a few sad balloons for decoration. They're met by Stacey McKenzie, a very gifted drag queen who models and is a judge on Canada's Next Top Model. Sorry, what? She's not a drag queen? She's a woman? Hehehe. Good one. But, anyway... Huh? She actually is a woman? Um... Wow. If this is what Canada considers a model, it's no wonder nobody ever takes them seriously about anything. "She" introduces a man named Jonathan, a contortionist who's going to show the girls some extreme poses. Bend, stretch, blah blah blah. Stacey pretends that the girls would have to do these poses for a high fashion show, just as OJ pretended that actual high fashion shows would have tilt-a-whirl runways that dump the models into a pool. Tyra? Sweetie? Give up the ghost.
The girls, now wearing fugly leotards, attempt to do some leg stretches. Anchal is surprisingly gifted at pulling her leg over her head, which she interviews was a shock to her. After they're done, Melrose tells her she's surprised at her. "Why, you didn't think I could do it?" Anchal snots. Melrose says that it's not that, it's just that she didn't know Anchal had that talent. And I'll remind you that Anchal herself didn't know, which she just told us ten seconds ago. Anchal goes on to ask the group that if she's so flexible, why isn't she skinny? Melrose answers that flexibility has nothing to do with being skinny, and that Anchal has to exercise. Anchal says she does exercise. Melrose says that she hasn't seen her. Anchal snaps that she hasn't exercised in the model pad, but she does at home. Then she interviews that she doesn't see why Melrose has to concern herself with Anchal's body. This scene is, again, played from the "Isn't Melrose a catty snatch?" angle. And is, again, unfair. Why should Melrose concern herself with your body? Maybe because you just asked everyone why you're not skinny. Sorry your compliment fishing expedition didn't bring in the haul you were expecting, Anchal. Reap what you sow.
Evening. Model pad. Melrose, Jaeda, Brooke, Michelle, and Amanda are hanging out in the hot tub discussing Anchal. Michelle opens with the fact that Anchal is equal parts insecure and looking for compliments. Melrose agrees, saying she thinks Anchal may sometimes put on a wounded front so that someone will reassure her. She didn't mean to insult her, but obviously offended her. Jaeda interviews that Melrose comes across as pushy, but has good intentions. When did Jaeda become so awesome? Meanwhile, in the terrace above the hot tub, the other girls (save Eugena) are smoking and eavesdropping. The hot tub girls say that since this is a competition, they should just let Anchal eat and not exercise, and thus suck. Jaeda says that Anchal is beautiful and doesn't know it. Melrose says that Anchal certainly does know it, given the fact that the judges tell her so every week. Melrose thinks Anchal's not working her beauty well. I have to say, I agree with pretty much everything these hot tub gossips are saying. Anchal does fish for compliments, is insecure, and is not using her beauty to deliver good pictures. This is all fact, often substantiated by Anchal herself. The one legitimately bitchy thing Melrose says is that she considered Anchal her stiffest competition at first, but that she's "not becoming more beautiful" to her. CariDee interviews that they heard Melrose trashing Anchal. I guess Michelle, Amanda, Brooke, and Jaeda are all imaginary. So of course Anchal bursts into tears and runs inside. She cries as AJ comforts her, calling the other girls "fake". Commercials.
When we return, Anchal interviews that she was hurt by Melrose's comments. Sepia-toned flashback for those viewers whose memory doesn't span beyond three minutes. AJ gives her a hug, and interviews that she hates Melrose, and that it takes a lot of strength not to "retaliate" when she says mean things. Again, I'll totally buy that Melrose is annoying, but she's not half as bad as these people are making her out to be. Anchal vows to do the best she can in the competition. Later, the girls are whisked off to dinner where they await a "special guest". The guest turns out to be Twiggy. The dinner conversation is boring and unimportant; it's just another opportunity for the other girls to interview about Melrose's annoying habits. This one is that she kisses up to people. And yeah, this time I can't argue the point. Take it down a couple of notches, brown-noser.
Morning. Tyra Mail! It says something about "knocking you off your pedestal". Brooke thinks they'll be jousting, which would have been cool. The Monster Escalade drops the girls at an art gallery, where they meet a designer named Bao. She explains the next challenge, which will be to strike a dramatic and artistic pose to show off her collection of gowns. Jaeda is literally slack-jawed with worry. She knows she didn't do well at the contortionist stretches. Bao introduces a jeweler named Erica, who tells the girls that they may select one of the ten pieces of jewelry behind her to wear in the challenge. The girls get made up and stretch. When they're ready, they strut out to the main room, where pedestals await for them to stand on. The gowns are actually pretty cool; they manage to be interesting while avoiding that pitfall of being ugly. The girls are told to select their first pose. It looks like they have to hold that for a while, then choose another one. Guests stroll around and look at the girls. Amanda stumbles a bit. Melrose interviews that she's pretty confident in this challenge. After some more boring posing, the challenge ends. Bao gets to select the winner, and she chooses Eugena. Fair enough. She wins all the jewelry the girls wore, the total worth of which is about $32,000. Wow. After the challenge, it's time to pick on Melrose some more. She talks to the other girls about what she could have done better, and a bunch of them interview that she yaps a lot (which is true), and would like to see her gone. AJ makes a face behind her while she's blabbing. Heh. Hey, at least she's talking about how she can improve, and isn't all "Hey, I should have won! I'm so fabulous!" Commercials.
When we return, Tyra meets the girls at the model pad. It's another one of those hideously boring segments we get every season, where Tyra pretends to be Oprah to get the girls to open up to her. She wants to talk about the girls' fears. Melrose dreads being the "old one" (and she's twenty-three -- yikes). Jaeda wants to show confidence with her new hairstyle. Tyra mentions interpersonal relationships, which of course leads to the whole Anchal-overhearing-gossip thing. There's another sepia-toned flashback, and OH MY GOD, WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. WE WERE SITTING RIGHT HERE. Anchal cries as she talks about having no confidence in herself, which Jaeda interviews is fake. Wow. Tyra relates the story of being intimidated by another model that she couldn't stand up to. She doesn't name names, but I think we can just call this other model Caomi Nampbell. Melrose interviews that she now feels singled out as "the mean one". Yep, I'd say so. The girls get Tyra Mail that says that models are often "FREAKS of nature"; then we cut to the next day, as the girls are driven to their photo shoot out in the middle of nowhere.
They get out of the Monster Escalade in some ugly industrial yard, part of which has been converted into a circus-type setting. Finally a place where OJ fits in. He tells the girls they'll be portraying characters from turn of the century freakshows. I assume he means the turn from the 19th to the 20th century. The freakshows of this last century turn would be, like, Paris Hilton. OJ introduces Mike, the photographer, and the two give the girls their roles. The girls go to get made up. In the middle of preparation, OJ asks the girls to come outside to meet their special guest. It's Atoosa Rubenstein, editor-in-chief of Seventeen magazine, who will be sitting in for the shoot. AJ is up first. She's a cannibal, and there are bloody body parts strewn all over her cage. Plus, there's a hunky male model who gets to just lay there as she drips blood from her mouth all over him. It's pretty cool, actually. Brooke is rubber girl. I can't really concentrate on her shoot, because I'm listening to the music, which is ripped directly from the theme music to Dead Like Me. They should have used that for AJ's shoot! Man, that show was so great. Sigh. Canceled before its time. Michelle and Amanda are Siamese twins, joined at the foreheads. They start off kind of slow, but eventually get into it and give some good poses. Megg is the bearded lady. She sucks rocks, as always. OJ is disappointed in her, and she flees to the makeup trailer to get her beard taken off. She cries and says she has potential and knows she can do better. Megg, having seen your other pictures? No, you can't.
CariDee is the elephant woman, and her makeup job is really good. She has a little top hat and parasol. Eugena is the bird lady. She has a beak and poses in a cage. OJ seems to like her posing. Anchal is the "giant lady". She plays a tiny violin. They stop to do some touchup on her makeup, and OJ gives her some posing pointers. Atoosa comes over and spews a bunch of claptrap that amounts to literally no meaning. Actually, let me go back and get this verbatim: "I always feel like the best pictures, the most beautiful fashion pictures, is where there's like a real thing happening. So, like, get to that place." Gee, thanks, Atoosa! That's so helpful! I can see why they made you editor-in-chief! Anchal takes some more pictures hunched over a tiny table. OJ seems to think the second set is a big improvement. Jaeda is the strong-woman. She's had abs drawn on that look quite realistic. She also has a barbell and a feathered cape. After a few shots, OJ tells her to imitate the picture of Tyra in the model pad where her teeth are bared in anger. Jaeda does a weak growl. OJ tells her to commit to it, and she does a better one. He tells her that they'd like to spend less time coaxing her out of her shell, so that she can take more good photos. Melrose has an "old face/young body". She gives a nice variety of poses that drives OJ crazy. The good kind of crazy. Atoosa is impressed as well. Too bad I have no respect for her opinion anymore.
Evening. Model pad. Brooke would like to get through the Tyra Mail quickly, because Amanda's got to pee really bad. Hehe. Upcoming elimination. Anchal munches an ice cream bar. Mmm, I want one of those right now. Girls hash out who they think will be going. Jaeda's really anxious. Commercials. We come back to the Chamber of Doom, and a picture of Tyra as a lion tamer with a whip. I pick on Tyra a lot, but it's a really good photo. Tyra is pleased that nobody looks stupid at judging, for once, and recaps the prizes. She introduces the judges, including guest judge Atoosa Rubenstein. No final challenge, and we go straight to the photo evaluations. AJ is up first. The judges love her cannibal shot, and I agree that's it's great. Eugena finally gets compliments for her photo. It's not a terrific shot, but I will say that it's the best Eugena's done so far. Brooke. For the third week in a row, the judges like her photo more than I do. Twiggy actually articulates my feelings the best, saying that Brooke's body language as the rubber girl is great, but the face is a letdown. Michelle and Amanda. They bonk heads before stepping forward. Heh. Their photo is quite good, but Tyra points out that the way the light is hitting Amanda's chin makes it look swollen. Ew, she's right! I wish she hadn't pointed that out; I'd never have noticed otherwise. Anchal. The judges think her shot is generically beautiful, but she didn't convey "giant" well. She looks fine to me. She's hulking a bit, which really works.
Jaeda. Twiggy loves her snarling face as the strong-woman. Atoosa tells her that she took too long to direct, basically parroting OJ's line from earlier. Tyra tells her she would have preferred to see Jaeda look aloof as opposed to mean. OK, stop. First of all, Atoosa (and by the way, nice name -- you sound like a Pontiac), you're supposed to be judging on the photo; not the photo shoot. OJ's coaching should have nothing to do with how you view her at panel. Second of all, Atoosa (all-wheel drive and power windows come standard!), all of these girls get an allotted amount of frames to get a good shot. Jaeda received no more than anyone else, and she GOT THE SHOT. Maybe it came towards the end, and there weren't a lot of good shots to pick from, but so what? OJ gets to critique Jaeda about this; you don't. Third of all, Tyra, you never tire of yelling at the girls for refusing to follow OJ's direction. Jaeda did exactly what OJ asked of her (with the angry face), and now she's getting shredded for it. This entire critique of Jaeda was complete bullshit.
Melrose gets raves for her shot. I like it, too. Megg's shot is boring and awful. Again. Finally, the judges see it, too. Twiggy says she looks like she's waiting for the photo shoot to start. Nigel says that she looks a little down right now, and asks what the matter is. She cries, and says that she's capable of more than she's been giving in her photos. Don't fall for it, judges! Tyra tells her to put that insecurity into her photos, because it's not like the bearded lady has all sorts of fun being stuck in a freakshow. Hey, Tyra just made a good point! CariDee looks fairly awesome as the elephant lady. I'm just glad she didn't bug me this week. Of course, she didn't have a lot of screentime. The judges wet themselves over it. Megg is still crying. The girls are dismissed. Commercials.
Deliberations. Which freak is going home? Melrose did a fantastic job. Atoosa thinks Brooke is sweet (way to miss the point again, idiot), but Twiggy points out she has yet to deliver a great photo. Eugena may have just had a lucky shot, because Atoosa thinks she was dead-eyed for most of the shoot. Atoosa? Sweetie? JUDGE ON THE ACTUAL PHOTO YOU'RE GIVEN. Oh, one more thing. SHUT THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLE. AJ was wonderful. Twiggy thinks Megg is a disaster. Atoosa disagrees, because Megg has a good personality. Nigel points out that a good personality doesn't necessarily translate to good pictures, like, DUH. SHUT UP, ATOOSA. SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUP! Tyra tells the judges to judge Michelle and Amanda separately. They both seem to be fine, though the judges once again seem to prefer Michelle over Amanda, which I believe has happened just about every week. Twiggy thinks that Anchal is pretty, but can't model. CariDee rocked her trunk. Jaeda had to be pushed too much. Yeah, it's still bullshit. Twiggy didn't know the abs in her photo were fake. Hehehe.
Elimination. CariDee is safe. She spazzes, of course. Eugena. AJ. Melrose. Michelle. Anchal. She pumps her arms and says "Fee-Fi-Fo-Thank God" as she walks up. Hah! Amanda. Megg looks around to see how many girls are left. Not many, twit! Brooke is safe. Will Jaeda and Megg please step forward? Megg has a good personality (pffft), but it's not showing in the pictures. Tyra plainly hates Jaeda's guts no matter what she does, so whatever. Still, Jaeda's getting another chance, so Megg will be on her way. Yes! Megg thanks the judges for the opportunity, and says that she'll use this to make her stronger. In her final interview, she says she'll miss the other girls a lot. Well, some of them. She talks about becoming a musician-model. If she sings as well as she models (as we see her God-awful portfolio flash on screen), our eardrums are in trouble. Bye, Megg! Guess you weren't HARDCORE enough, after all. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Michelle says she might be gay. America yells "Ya think!?!?!?!" in unison. Janice Dickinson tears the girls to shreds, which is always fun.
Overall Grade: B-
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