The Girl Who Hates Her Hair

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 2

Previously on America's Next Top Model: 13 girls with varying tragic pasts and questionable sobriety moved into the model pad, which was decorated top to bottom with pictures of Tyra. There's probably a picture of her pasted on each girl's toothbrush. Monique was a snotty bitch, but OJ preferred to focus on Melrose's attitude, which caused her to...ask for her makeup to be retouched. Horrors! Michelle rocked her bulimia picture, which Tyra's voice-over is just a leeeeetle too proud about. Christian wanted to emulate Tyra in every way possible, and was the first eliminated. That's got to mean something, but I'm not sure what. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. I'm only going to mention them this week, because Tyra has shoehorned even more of herself into the show by singing in a little dance remix version of the credits, which sound fucking horrible. Oh, and Amanda and Michelle don't get separate credits, but have to share a screen, presumably because that makes room for another shot of Tyra.

Model pad. Michelle and Megan practice their walks on the runway in the living room. They really like each other, which is our first of many hints tonight that Michelle and Amanda may differ in a very important way. Let's just say they eat in different sections of the restaurant. Melrose has had the fear of God put into her (well, the fear of Tyra, which is the same thing on this show), and promises to work hard. Out in the hot tub, Monique trash talks Melrose to Eugena. Why are these two hanging out? Weren't they just fighting about the bed situation? Some lame Tyra Mail lets the girls in on the fact that they'll be having breakfast with the two Jays. The next morning, there are alarm clocks going off all over the house, which pisses Monique off because it's not like she needs to wake up at the same time as everyone else. Except she totally does. She whines about it. Anchal interviews that she can't stand Monique's bitchiness. I'd just let her sleep and leave without her.

Breakfast. It's boring, except that the girls thought they'd be getting their makeovers, and Miss J says that girls are always excited for them, but someone always busts out crying. Well, that's because you always intentionally make someone ugly so that they'll cry. Jaeda says "My hair grows so fast, I don't care. Shave it." This is what's known as an editor's wet dream. OJ blathers a lot of bullshit that amounts to the fact that he thinks the girls should rely on past tragedies to find that place of vulnerability when they model. Sure, your mom was a smack-addicted prostitute, but use the pain to work that bikini, girl! Really, the whole point of the breakfast was to get the girls out of the house for a while. When they get back, Tyra holds the door closed for way too long for it to be funny. We get it, Tyra. She pops out like a freaky jack-in-the-box, and the girls squeal like they're meeting Elvis. Oh my GOD, with the squealing. It's Tyra. You see her every seven minutes. The living room has been turned into an impromptu salon. Makeover time! Tyra introduces the stylist, Frederic. She tells each of the girls the style that they'll be getting, and emphasizes her descriptions by whipping the cloth off of a cheesy Six Flags-ish caricature of each of them. Snerk. The last picture to be revealed is Jaeda's. She looks worried, as well she should be. We know what the last girl always gets. Uglified, baby! She's having her hair sliced off to resemble the short style that Halle Berry once had. Yeah, you know what the difference is? Halle Berry is gorgeous, and Jaeda looks like a man. The girls will model their new looks in metallic swimsuits.

Go! Jaeda is already crying. Hehehehe. Brooke confidently tells her that she's going to look good. I think I'm getting to like Brooke. Meanwhile, Monique complains (I know, I'm surprised too) to Eugena that they're not doing enough to her. She doesn't want to look the same. Megg has gotten long, curly extensions. She looks better. Of course she interviews that she can do more headbanging with this style, because we all know how HARDCORE she is. Anchal is having her hair yanked out to give her a larger forehead. It obviously hurts like fuck, but she doesn't complain. I think I'm getting to like Anchal, too. After her hair is shortened and layered a bit, she's done. Her swimsuit shot is amazing. Melrose is going blonde, and she's not thrilled about it. She doesn't burst into tears or anything, but tells OJ that she thinks her hair "pops out" more with darker features. CariDee (which I've been typing incorrectly up until now, but am not interested enough to go back and fix) seemingly takes offense that not everyone wants to be blonde, but AJ says that in Melrose's position, she wouldn't want to be blonde either. Brooke has had her blonde hair dyed chocolate brown. She looks fine, but it's not a drastic improvement or anything. Michelle says she never really thought that much about her hair, because she's bad at "girly" things. Hint number two that Michelle may be more of a seafood fan than her sister. She looks good with wavy, auburn hair. Amanda's a little disappointed that they don't look alike anymore, and now they won't be able to trick people. Heh. She's gotten red hair, too, but it's darker and straight. She looks good, though I think Michelle looks better.

Jaeda begins to bawl as OJ takes the first snip at her hair. After it's been cut down, one of the stylists whines to OJ that he wishes she'd calm down. Well, terrible stylist, let's make you look (more) ridiculous and send you out into the world. We'll see how calm you are. Jaeda says that she doesn't like her short style, because it's taken away her femininity. Well, she says she's lost her "girlish thing goin' on." Honey, I think you lost your girlish thing a long time ago. She does, indeed, look silly with the shorter hair, though at least her boobs look good in the photo. That's something. CariDee's hair is still blonde, but it's longer and about fourteen times more voluminous. It's a little too '80s mall girl for my tastes. Eugena has gotten wavy extensions. She looks fine. Now get better taste in friends, please. Megan's short hair has been made icy blonde. I don't like it very much, but she seems pleased with it. Melrose cries while she awaits her makeover, and OJ puts this down to her being a control freak. Actually, between her plea for people to do their dishes, her house meeting about shower times, and her first interview tonight, in which she can be seen organizing spices or something, he's probably right. I don't know why her being anal-retentive makes me like her a little more, but it does. She looks so-so as a blonde. I agree with her that dark hair suits her better.

AJ tells Frederic that she doesn't like her lighter color and asks for a darker shade. I wasn't under the impression that she gets a say in the matter, but it appears as if he complies. She really doesn't look that much different when he's done; it's just a bit shorter and less spiky. Monique is upstairs crying on the toilet, because nobody's ever seen her without her weave. Wait, wasn't she just bitching five minutes ago about how she wished she could have a more drastic makeover? Is this girl completely schizophrenic? The Jays go up to talk to her and she says she's having a bad day. Keep in mind this is about twenty minutes after breakfast. She actually expects sympathy for being woken up by the alarm clocks. OJ rolls his eyes, and this is about the only time in history when I totally sympathize with him. He duhs to Monique that she's getting a new weave, and coaxes her downstairs. In fairness, she looks great after her makeover. Now, I can understand that seven seasons of girls whining about trivial shit would get on someone's nerves. But I don't care about OJ's nerves, so the next scene of him interviewing about the girls being ungrateful in a ridiculously self-righteous tone is irritating. Dude, you give the girls drastic makeovers for the drama it elicits. You have some gall to be all up in arms for them responding exactly the way they're supposed to. Douchebag. He goes in and "tells the girls off", which is in quotes because he's really, really bad at it. He leaves the pad, and AJ laughs at him behind his back, which is awesome. Commercials.

When we return, Megan's still in her bikini, and she's on the phone with her girlfriend. Aha! I knew Michelle liked her for a reason! Megan tells her girlfriend about her new ice blonde color, and gleefully reports the other girls' getting yelled at for being whiny twits. Jaeda and AJ hate their hair, but Megg loves hers, saying it works with every outfit as she plays air guitar. Because she's HARDCORE. Some Tyra Mail causes the girls to squeal in excitement again. I don't think pig farms have this much squealing. The Tyra Mail reads "True queens are natural beauties that don't need make-up to make it to the top...so don't wear any tomorrow. Got it!!!???" Was that "Got it!!!???" really necessary? And CariDee says "today" instead of "tomorrow" as if the Tyra Mail weren't just shown on-screen. So she was fed that line to give the impression the photo shoot is happening right away, when it's really the next day. Is this crappy editing because of the strike? Are these people new?

The Monster Escalade drops the girls off at an office building, where they head to the lobby to meet OJ, who looks just as hideous as ever. He tells the girls that today they have the opportunity to "make it up to him" for the tears they shed yesterday. In a way, it's kind of impressive that someone could make me want to punch him after almost every single sentence he utters. Anyway, it's time for a challenge. OJ introduces the line of cosmetics that Queen Latifah "created" for women of color. Listen, I love Queen Latifah. She's one of the few people I'm more than willing to accept as both a musician and an actress, and she rocks both. But chemist she is not. Anyway, challenge. When OJ gives the word, the girls have to run over to a table laid out with cosmetics, and have thirty seconds to put select some, and get into the elevator. The elevator will then stop at additional floors that have clothing and accessories/shoes on them. When it reaches the top, the girls will meet with a Cover Girl executive to present their total look. If any of the girls miss the elevator, they're automatically disqualified. Fascinating. Let's get to it! Go! The girls run for the makeup and frantically grab at it. There are hilarious spy graphics and music throughout this scene. After thirty seconds, the elevator doors close, leaving Megg behind. Guess she's too HARDCORE to hurry. The girls touch themselves up in their compact mirrors, and the elevator stops at the fifth floor for clothes. They all grab dresses successfully. I'm surprised they're able to get into them so quickly. Next stop -- fifteenth floor for shoes and accessories. Monique can't get back into the elevator in time. Yes!

Melrose interviews that everyone knew they're going to be in for a rough evening since Monique didn't get her way. Heh, no kidding. The girls reach the thirty-first floor where they meet the "Cover Girl executive", Queen Latifah herself. She brings out her personal makeup artist, and the two of them ask the girls what they think they represent in the makeup or whatever. Most of the girls give stupid pageant answers that aren't worth going over. However, it is worth noting that CariDee looks ridiculous. Imagine the stupidest outfit you'd ever find yourself mortified to be wearing in front of Queen Latifah. It's worse than that. Eugena dutifully sucks up to the product line, so she naturally wins the challenge. She's told to pick two friends, and she picks CariDee and Jaeda. They're going to get their picture taken and have it featured on the Cover Girl website. I know any publicity is good publicity, but laaaaaaaaaaaame. On the way back to the pad, the girls naturally chitter about meeting the Queen. Monique is pissed. Michelle intelligently decides to try and avoid her for the rest of the day.

Once home, Monique heads straight for the...well, I guess you'd have to call it a phone room. It's just a chair, a phone, and a glass door. Melrose interviews that she needs to call her landlord about getting her deposit back. Not that I'm going to defend what Monique does here for a second, but huh? You wait until you're in the middle of a televised competition to iron out housing details? Details like your deposit money, which will still be there later? I can't accept that Melrose's situation is as pressing as they try and make it seem here. Anyhow, to make a long story short, Monique intentionally stays on the phone for hours, just to piss the other girls off. She mostly spends the time talking with her mother, who is a classic enabler. Her baby can do no wrong! She even says "You tell them 'I am a Princess of the Throne'". Unironically. Wow, it's really shocking that Monique is so selfish, spoiled, and deluded. Amazingly, of all the girls with tempers, it's meek little Anchal who finally throws down with her, walking in and pressing down the receiver. Awesome. Go, Anchal! Monique screams at her, of course, but Anchal screams right back. Monique drags out the classic and tired "not here to make friends", which is so fucking cliche by now, I think that anyone on any reality show who says it should be instantly eliminated. Commercials.

Later. Everyone hates Monique. She interviews something defensive, but she's in full-on quick ghetto voice, and I don't catch most of it. Anchal discovers some Tyra Mail. "It's time to wig out, pump up the volume, and get amped. Can you handle it, baby???" Stop with the excessive punctuation, Tyra Mail! We get it! The girls hop in the Monster Escalade and are dropped at a studio for their photo shoot. Eugena, CariDee, and Jaeda are taken aside to do a quick shoot for winning the challenge. It's boring. Eugena interviews that the other girls may have been jealous, but she doesn't really care. Ah, I'm starting to see why she feels a certain kinship with Monique. Bitches of a feather. Today's photo shoot involves wearing crazy-ass wigs, which are enormous and often have moving parts. OJ brings out the wig designers, who actually refer to themselves as weavologists, and (apparently) don't expect that people will laugh in their faces upon learning this. Hair and makeup ensues. Well, wig-styling and makeup ensues.

Monique's wig is sort of half-pointy, half-circular, with a spinning little gold figure on top. OJ tells her she's doing pretty well. Anchal's wig is just all out rocker, going every direction, and has a windmill on top. OJ compliments her as well. Brooke has a wig reminiscent of the American flag. Upon being told to be crazy or zany, she just yells "Aaaah!" a couple of times, which OJ seems to think is genius. Amanda's wig is heart-shaped. She discusses posing with the photographer, and does a great job. Michelle is done up as a parrot, and seems quite amused by it. Megan just has a weird-looking blond wig that almost approaches femullet status, except it has rotating spinners on both sides. OJ admonishes her for not being emotional and vulnerable enough in her shot. I guess we're all supposed to feel a tug at our heartstrings when we have motorized hair buzzing around our ears.

Megg dances around and makes some crazy faces, because she's HARDCORE. Her wig is just a mass of blondeness, with no real rhyme or reason to it. AJ has an explosion of red and silver, which is almost like a lion's mane, so she has the smart idea to make growling faces at the camera. Eugena has a mass of black hair as the wig, but can't keep from striking dumb general model poses with her hand. The photographer (Tracy) gently tries to mold her into an acceptable pose, but she can't do it. Tracy interviews that Eugena had the attitude of knowing-it-all, but was really quite an amateur. CariDee's wig is like a flame. It looks quite cool. Melrose's is colorful. She looks like she's about to head for Carnivale. OJ thinks she does a wonderful job. Jaeda has a helicopter on her head, which OJ sets to spinning with a remote control. Apart from the fact that her boobs are wisely accentuated, she looks dumb. OJ thinks she's giving the same pose over and over, and when he asks her to try something different in her remaining four frames, she just gives the same bland, mannish face she always gives. Bleh. That's it for the photo shoot, and the girls head back to the pad. Tyra Mail! Upcoming elimination. Suddenly, Melrose freaks out because Monique flicks some water from her towel or something onto her face. She seems equal parts disgusted and amused. We're to take this as more evidence that Monique is a dumb snatch, but since we already know that, and this is about a hundred times milder than the whole phone thing, it's really anticlimactic. Commercials.

Chamber of Doom. We enter on a picture of Tyra in one of those crazy wigs. She looks good, though I now think I've seen more pictures of Tyra in my lifetime than I have of myself. She tells the girls that their makeovers make them look amazing. She recaps the prizes. Nigel, Miss J, and Twiggy are present to judge, as is Tracy, this week's photographer. Miss J looks dumb tonight in a preppy green shirt and headband. He's a like a low-rent Velma from Scooby-Doo. Time for the individual evaluations. No final challenge? Good, they usually suck. Melrose is up first. She seems to have come around on the whole blonde hair thing. The judges seem to like her photo, but I think it's meh. Her face looks expressionless and weird. Anchal. Judges: "Yay!" Limecrete: "Meh." Jaeda. Tyra tells her that she looks scared of her new haircut. Jaeda says she's still getting used to it. Tyra hears that perfectly reasonable response and threatens to eliminate her. Nice. As to her photo? Judges: "Boo!" Limecrete: "Meh." Seriously, I have yet to see a photo that is that good or that bad. Megg. She looks retarded in her picture. I don't mean that as just a politically incorrect insult. She actually looks literally retarded.

CariDee. I actually think she looks pretty sultry in this picture, but Nigel says her jaw is a little mannish, and she'll want to watch out for that. Eugena. Twiggy says she looks too masculine. What is with that word being thrown around so much? The only girl who looks remotely manly is Jaeda. The other judges hate the photo too. Tracy says that she gave Eugena a lot of direction, but the "look in her face" was that she knew it all. Not that I don't trust Tracy or anything, but perhaps judging on the body language of a girl you've never met isn't quite the pinnacle of impartiality. Tyra says that Eugena verbally said that she's better than the other girls in the previous season, which she did not. She said they were boring. Which they were. I'm not liking Eugena much this episode either, judges, but stop with the bullshit. Michelle. Everyone loves her photo. Amanda. Ditto. That wasn't a twin joke until I just typed that, so let's assume that's what I meant all along. Brooke. Nigel loves her photo, and I disagree strongly. Brooke is pretty, and her photo doesn't reflect that at all. Megan. The judges hate her photo. Yeah, it's not pretty. They say she got "lost" in all that hair. AJ. Her shot is greeted with mild approval, though Tyra says her nose looks a bit big. Monique. She looks good. Tyra reads OJ's comments that it was a tremendous improvement from the first shoot, but that the first shoot was so bad, there was nowhere to go but up. Snap! The girls are dismissed. Commercials.

Deliberations. Michelle and Amanda are great (though for the second consecutive week, the judges seem to favor Michelle). Eugena is an amateur. Brooke is cheerleadery. Megg has bad posture. AJ is fashionably awkward. Jaeda is easily distracted. Hee. Megan is boring. Rut roh. Anchal connects with the camera. Melrose has redeemed herself. Monique is pretty, but disappointing. CariDee is a drag queen, but a good one. Or something. The girls are called back in. Elimination time. Melrose is safe. Anchal. Amanda. Michelle. AJ. CariDee. Brooke. Eugena. Pardon my interruption to say that I've noticed this for several seasons now, and it's getting really annoying. When Tyra looks up to tell the girl to come get her photo, she flutters her eyelashes. Like, every single damn time. It bugs me. Anyway, Megg is safe. She pumps her fists, because she's so HARDCORE. Monique. Will Jaeda and Megan please step forward? They're both given bullshit critiques, but what Tyra really wants to say is that Jaeda is prone to crying on camera, while Megan is not. You know what that means. Jaeda gets her photo, and poor Megan, whose only crime is being able to keep a lid on her emotions, is cut. Boo! She wishes she could have shown a little more character, but doesn't seem to have any hard feelings. Aw. Call me, Megan. You seem like someone who'd be fun to have a drink with. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Miss J tightrope walks. Except not at all. Melrose and Monique throw down. Melrose? Kick her ass.

Overall Grade: C+