Food of Love

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 2

Previously on Top Chef - Twelve wannabe chefs converged on San Francisco. Tiffani was brassy, while Stephen was assy. Lee Anne sailed away with the Quickfire, and Ken was surprised to learn that not everyone loves irritating blowhards. Cynthia was a whirlwind of chaos, Andrea's veggie platter couldn't even tempt Peter Rabbit, and Harold's snapper took home the Elimination Challenge. Ken's blustery attitude couldn't hide the fact that he's a sucky chef, and the world cheered as he was booted to go be obnoxious somewhere else. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

San Francisco. We open on the house all of our contestants are packed into. How many bedrooms does that thing have? Anyway, we'll just call it the International House of Famewhores. Inside the IHOF, Cynthia is on the phone with a relative of hers. It seems that her father is dying of cancer, and she only just found out about it the night before she flew to California. God, that's got to be awful. I assume she couldn't be a no show for legal reasons. She's considering whether she can really give the competition her full attention. Man, no kidding. My sympathies to all involved. Meanwhile, Andrea does yoga out on the veranda, and talks about how her food presentation skills need work. She vows to do better on the next challenge. Candice is disappointed in herself for being in the bottom three. Tiffani, who was in the top three, is disappointed that she didn't win the challenge. Calm down, Tiffani. It's not like Harold even got anything.

Quickfire Challenge. Everyone streams into the Kitchen (the main competition kitchen, not the one at the IHOF). There's a bunch of fruit everywhere, and I don't just mean Dave, Tiffani, and the guest judge. "GOOD. MORNING. EVERYONE. ELEVEN. OF. YOU. HAVE. MADE. IT. THROUGH. TO . THE. SECOND. ROUND. WHICH. IS. ALL. ABOUT. PRESENTATION." Shot of Andrea. Heh. KatieBot goes on to introduce the guest judge, Elizabeth Faulkner, who looks like a cross between Susan Powter and Kevin Costner. That's not a compliment. Elizabeth is the chef and owner of a bakery in San Francisco. Tiffani brags about knowing Elizabeth not just by reputation, but because they were both featured in an article about queer women who cook. I have to ask what bearing one's sexuality has on cooking. That'd be like me being in a featured article about gay men who work in the field of science. Who cares? It's not like I get laid at work. Although I can think of a few candidates I wouldn't mind getting down and dirty with in the lab, and... Sorry, where was I?

Elizabeth will be judging the Quickfire, which will be to create a dessert plate composed entirely of fruit. The chefs will have thirty minutes to get everything together. The challenge will be judged on creativity, knife skills, and presentation. Another shot of Andrea. At this point it's just mean. But still funny. As always, the winner will be immune after the Elimination Challenge. KatieBot starts the timer, and everyone springs into action. Someone cuts into a watermelon, and I totally start craving a slice. Ditto the pineapple. Lee Anne interviews that the Quickfires are more important than the Elimination Challenges, because Quickfires can prevent you from going home. Duh, ya think? Thanks for defining the word "immunity" for us idiots. Andrea just wants to put whole fruit on the plate and be done with it. She seems like a really nice woman, and I love that she tries to educate people about healthy food. That said? Andrea's kind of incompetent, you guys. Brian is very confident about his chances, as is Stephen. Lisa invokes the spirit of her mother. Tiffani wraps up her platter at almost literally the last second.

Judging. Lisa's plate looks appetizing, but there's really nothing very creative about it. She admits she had no real plan for it. Elizabeth doesn't particularly enjoy the fact that Lisa put a pineapple top on the plate for decoration, saying a fruit platter should really be things you can eat or eat out of. Makes sense. Stephen has a smarmy interview, basically saying the same thing. I need a macro for "Stephen has a smarmy interview". Brian also has included the pineapple top, and jokes about it. He then seems to get really testy with Elizabeth not liking it, which confuses me. That was an odd moment. Cynthia's plate is very minimal, with slices of papaya in a fan shape and the seeds spread out in a regular pattern. It's like the opposite of Lisa's. Very pretty, but not very appetizing. Elizabeth says basically that. Tiffani, ever the overachiever, says that the fruit seemed a bit out of season to her, so she cooked and seasoned it. She's used sour cream, cinnamon, sugar, and so on, and everything on her plate sounds completely delicious. Tiffani's like the girl in your class who always deservedly got perfect grades, but was such a priss about it, nobody had much use for her. Dave has surrounded a chocolate fondue with several pieces of fruit. It looks really good, but Elizabeth says that it's not very creative, and she sees it on buffets all the time. I can get behind that argument. I still want to sit down with that platter, though.

Lee Anne's looks fine, but Elizabeth returns to the "seen it before" argument, which Lee Anne seems to agree with. Stephen has a series of coffee cups that contain various fruits with various sauces. Elizabeth seems to feel that he's been very creative, and perhaps he has been, but she seems to think the main creative masterstroke he's made is to put things in cups instead of on a plate, which... Not that exciting. Stephen says he's "taken it to the next level". Tally mark on the Irritating Cliches List! Candice says that she's portrayed Breakfast on an Island Getaway. I've said this before, but Candice is totally a live Bratz doll. Barbie's Dream Car. Barbie's Malibu Mansion. Barbie's Breakfast on an Island Getaway. She's actually carved fucking hearts out of the pineapple. Jesus, go listen to your New Kids on the Block album or something. Elizabeth rips Candice down by saying "I'm a really creative, artistic person, and..." I don't hear the rest after that because I'm too busy sneering at Elizabeth to not break her arm patting herself on the damn back, there. She actually made me want to stick up for Candice for a second! Could she be a little more self-impressed? I'm sorry. It's just that arrogant people are a real hot button with me.

Andrea seems to have stayed true to her goal of doing absolutely nothing. Miguel has a cascade of fruit coming out of a sliced cantaloupe. Looks good. Elizabeth likes the cornucopia effect. Harold's has really shown off his mad phat knife skillz. I think Harold may be my favorite competitor at this point, and I swear it's not because I think he's cute. OK, maybe just a little. Time for Elizabeth the Creative and Artistic Genius to select a winner. She selects Stephen, because what could be more creative and artistic than putting things in cups? Stephen has a smarmy interview. Seriously, I need a code word for that or something. Tiffani interviews that Harold should have won. Harold interviews that Stephen's may have looked good, but he knows (and says that Stephen knew) that some of the flavors he combined wouldn't work together. Interesting. That means that Stephen can't be eliminated tonight. Boo!

Commercials. Yes, if there's one person I trust to make a love match for me, it's Doctor Phil.

Time for the Elimination Challenge. It's another presentation challenge. All the chefs will be going to a party, and the challenge will be to serve a sexy dessert to the guests. KatieBot introduces the hostess of the party, Madame S. She owns a fetish store, which is where the party will take place. She enters in a red latex dress, matching glasses, and a tiny little feathered top hat. Brian, Miguel, and Tiffani are all homina homina duuuuuuh. Madame S. explains that the guests will be dressed in latex and leather and such. So, that gives a nice hint as to what the dessert theme should be. She hopes the desserts will be outrageous and decadent. Keep that in mind for later. The chefs are provided with a lot of ingredients, but are given an additional $50 for anything else they may want. They've got until 10 PM tonight, and a few hours the next day. "PRESENTATION. IS. KEY. AND. IT'S. UP. TO. YOU. TO. DETERMINE. WHAT. IS. SEXY." Robots really shouldn't talk about sex like that. It's creepy. Andrea and Tiffani are both a little nervous, the one because she sucks at presentation, the other because she has no background in pastry-making.

The chefs sit around the IHOF discussing ideas. Lee Anne says that things don't have to be obscene or vulgar to be sexy. She's right, but let's keep in mind that this is a fetish party. Obscene and vulgar may not be a bad way to go. Dave (I think) kids that he's going to make a bunch of little hair pies. Eeeeew! Funny, but eeeeew! Miguel has no idea what a hair pie is. Wow. Tiffani cracks up. Miguel jokes about having all the other guys carry him into the party. I have no idea why he thinks that's naughty or funny. Stephen tries to put an end to the sex talk, either because he's a prude or because he's embarrassed that nobody ever wants to have sex with him. Everyone heads to a restaurant supply store for their additional ingredients. They've got an hour. Tiffani interviews that she wants to be extremely creative to make up for her lack of experience in pastry-making. I get the feeling that if Tiffani weren't such a headstrong woman, I'd really like her a lot. I certainly respect her, anyway. Brian interviews that because he didn't win the Quickfire, he may be going home tonight. Thanks for that additional definition of "immunity". One more time, and I just may understand it. Miguel and Stephen have a little pissing contest over tapioca. Chances I'll need that sentence again, ever? Zero.

Back in the Kitchen, everyone gets started. Harold's working on caramelized banana tarts. Mmmm. Lee Anne asks him to taste something. He doesn't like the sesame oil in it. She seems to take it as a personal affront. Lee Anne is working on dim sum petit fours, which sound tasty, but not sexy in the least. She says she aiming for an understated sexy, without having to resort to making "penis cookies" or "titty tarts". Hahahahaha! And on that note, Miguel tells us he's working on "tarts and tits". So far, it's lemon-filled cream puffs. Man, this episode is making me hungry, and I didn't even eat that long ago. He's also working on cold chocolate mixed with hot whipped cream, and mango pillows filled with tapioca. Even at this early stage, you can tell his stuff is going to wind up being fantastic. Andrea's idea of sexy is calling her dish "Creamy Balls and Crunchy Nuts", which are peanut butter balls mixed with assorted nuts. Lisa's "Naughty Nuts" are pecan tartlets with a Grand Marnier cream. I'm surprised more people aren't using alcohol. Tiffani doesn't want to say much about her work (she's dyeing bits of string right now), but says that her intention is for it to be interactive. Cynthia is typically scattered.

Lee Anne has put a bit of tape on an oven that has her name, convection, and 350 degrees listed. Not only that, but she announces to the room that she's done this. Good precautions. Tom checks in with two hours to go. Dave's "Tit for Tat" will be strawberry pound cake with banana cream. Stephen's doing something with Granny Smith apples and celery, and is going to top it with champagne. Candice? Oh, dear God. Candice has actually fashioned little cakes into bra and panty shapes, because underwear is so naughty! Tee hee! Maybe in fourth period she can write me a MASH note and talk about how Brad Tompkins is asking Judy Fitch to the Winter Snow Ball. With one hour to go, Lee Anne discovers that the oven she was planning on using is now set to 325. Oh, that's not cool at all. I mean, it's not good. Of course it's not cool; it's over three hundred degrees. Lisa offers up the oven she's using, but I don't know that that one's at the right temperature either. Time runs out. Lee Anne interviews that her stuff had two minutes to cook before being ready. Lisa interviews that Lee Anne offered to give up some allotted time the next day to compensate. Why didn't we see that offer? There are cameras everywhere! In any event, uber-competitive Tiffani can't let this lie, and tells Lee Anne that she shouldn't be able to work beyond the time limits. She interviews that not meeting deadlines like that is unprofessional. She suggests to Lee Anne that if she gets an extra minute, everyone should. Lee Anne is furious, because she feels like Tiffani's treating her like an idiot. Tiffani responds that it's because she knows Lee Anne's not an idiot that she shouldn't be able to slide as far as rules go.

OK, let's get to the morality of the situation. It's tricky, because both of them are right. I know, I adore taking sides, but in this case, I really can't. On the one hand, I totally agree with Tiffani that people should be held to the rules. If the challenge says to be done by 10 PM, you should be done by 10 PM, and it's not fair to the other competitors to say that everyone needs to be done except Lee Anne. On the other hand, Lee Anne has two valid arguments, though she never really makes them. One, she made a perfectly reasonable offer to give up time for the time she gained. Sounds fair to me. Two, someone fiddled with her oven temperature, and she may well have been done on time if not for that. That's not normal bad luck, like dropping food or a broken piece of equipment. That is an action on the part of someone else that directly resulted in Lee Anne's failure to complete the challenge as given. I'm not saying it was deliberate interference on the part of another chef, but if she lost time because another competitor hindered her, she deserves that time back. Just as both women are right, they're both wrong, too. Tiffani should be willing to take the time compromise Lee Anne offered, and her obstinance in sticking to the letter of the law, but not the spirit, is obnoxious. Lee Anne should have outlined her two arguments instead of just whining that Tiffani was treating her like a child or moron. Perhaps she should even have taken up Tiffani's empty threat about bringing the matter to the judges. In any event, she turned an argument about a technical aspect of the contest into something personal, which was dumb.

Commercials. I'm not above admitting that I love the Hanes commercial with the "professional" dodgeball players in it. At least it takes my mind off food for a bit. Mmmm, dodgeball players.

IHOF. Cynthia's getting more bad news about her father's condition. She cries a bit, and interviews that she has to consider withdrawing from the competition. Dave interviews that while he knows about the situation, not everyone else does, and he understands how hard it must be for Cynthia to focus. Miguel says that whatever mood you cook in is reflected in the food, but I don't know if he's specifically referring to Cynthia or not in that interview. Kitchen. Everyone's got four hours to work. Lee Anne throws out everything she's made and starts from scratch. This way, not only does she "clear her name" as far as the "rule violation" goes, but she gets to try something else for her dessert. Those filo cups she's pitching don't look very good anyway, so she may be turning this situation to her advantage. If she is, more power to her. She is, of course, still peeved at Tiffani for being such an officious bitch. Those aren't her words, but it's what she means. Speaking of Tiffani, she finally explains what she's making. They're coffee-flavored cookies (sort of shaped like fortune cookies) containing spicy cherries and hazelnuts. Ugh, I hate cherries. The cookies are suspended from the colored strings she was working on yesterday, making a necklace. Brian's making strawberry-apple crisp with a hazelnut whipped cream.

Tom comes in with one hour left. Andrea's covering her peanut butter balls with chocolate, and has glazed her almonds with something. Tom doesn't look impressed. Candice is actually putting the heart-shaped pineapple that Elizabeth specifically denigrated onto her underwear cakes as decoration. Then she, like, totally spreads a rumor that Carrie Longview stuffs her training bra with Kleenex! Harold's making ice cream by hand, not realizing that there's an ice cream maker sitting on the shelf behind him. Hehehe. Tom approaches Cynthia, and she basically tells him to go away. Snap! Andrea is forming her balls and nuts into little flower shapes. Yeah, I always find that cookies that look like they should be served at a PTA meeting are so sexy. She's just so clueless. The little spring roll things Lee Anne is making already look a hundred times better than the crap she threw out. I love that Tiffani is probably over there thinking how she's totally schooled Lee Anne, when she probably led Lee Anne to do better in the challenge than she would have otherwise. The usual frenzy occurs as time runs out. Harold has an interview (looking very adorable in his glasses) that the freezer was being opened and closed so much that it couldn't keep a low temperature, and his ice cream melted. Oh, that's a shame. Cynthia's "Chocolate Bomb" is half-melted as well. Everyone grabs their dishes, and heads out.

Evening. Everyone enters the fetish shop. There are leather jockstraps and such hanging everywhere, and it's hilarious to see the faces of the more straitlaced contestants. KatieBot tells them to get set up and changed into their party clothes. They scatter. The laws of physics have failed to reverse themselves on the drive over, so Cynthia's Chocolate Bomb didn't magically set. She's frustrated, and throws it out. Stephen interviews that the chefs were asked to wear a sexy outfit. He apparently interprets this as "dress as if you were attending a financial planning meeting in 1986". Miguel has dressed as Fat Bastard. Everyone's all "ew!", of course, but he's really not that heavy. You can tell he's having a lot of fun with it. The party starts. Various drag queens and leather daddies and such stream in. Andrea actually makes the crazy fingers gesture at the camera in front of the guests, which is so fucking rude, I can't even tell you. Rupaul is in attendance also. Eh. I got kind of tired of Rupaul's schtick a long time ago.

Andrea tells her (gonna just go with the female pronoun for good ol' Ru-Ru) that her dessert has no butter, and no saturated fat. Sexy! Rupaul tries one of them, and declares that they need butter. Ha! Tom, Gail, and Elizabeth have shown up at some point, and Lisa presents them with her "Naughty Nuts". Lisa's "sexy" outfit is a cable knit sweater. She's showing less skin than an Eskimo. She can't explain her inspiration for her tartlets to the judges, because it's fairly clear she had none. Tiffani shows off her cookie necklaces. They're a great idea, in that you eat the necklace off someone else's body. You can tell Tiffani really thought about the challenge. Someone demonstrates the necklace, and it looks like the bearer got a hickey. Wow. Andrea tells a black gentleman that she's serving chocolate-covered peanut balls. "Oh, I have those!" he replies. Hehehe. Lee Anne looks fantastic, and is serving Banana Nut Spring Rolls, with white chocolate wasabi sauce. I'm not wild about wasabi, but they look really good. Gail kind of bitchily makes a remark about the sesame flavor. What is it with people coming down on Lee Anne about sesame oil? Is that a theme now? People eat Candice's underwear cakes and make juvenile jokes about them, because what else are you going to do?

Brian's hazelnut whipped cream on the strawberry apple crisp looks good. Again, I see nothing to suggest "sexy" at all in his dessert, nor his outfit. He wouldn't be out of place at a post-Shabbat nosh right now. Well, except for the whole black thing. Miguel is totally wowing the crowd, both with his outfit, and his dessert platter. He's got cream puffs. He's got tapioca pillows. He's got a hot chocolate shot as a chaser. It's genius. This is our first glimpse of whatever Cynthia had left over, which is a pistachio almond Moroccan tart. Sounds good. There's also some strawberry shortcake off to the side. No sex about it. Harold's got his banana tarts and a frozen buttermilk side. He tries to associate the stickiness of the dish with sex. Whatever. It's impossible to gracefully eat something like ice cream (or frozen buttermilk) while you're trying to walk around a party, so this was a misfire. Gail says it's not sexy to spill food on your clothes. Hey, if you spill this on a latex outfit, it'll come right off. There's your silver lining. Besides, Gail is such an ice princess, I'm not sure where she gets off declaring what's sexy.

People party. Miguel tongue-kisses Cynthia's cheek. Tom eats one of Dave's poundcakes, which are ill-advisedly covered in a flesh-toned icing. They look gross. Andrea's tray of flower cookies look about as sexy as fish guts. Stephen gives KatieBot a sample of his champagne topped gelee. He reminds us that he has immunity. What's "immunity"? I do wish someone would explain it to me. People hem and haw about what they liked. Rupaul makes a fake date to screw around with a squirrelly little guy by a dumpster.

Commercials. Better living through spraying all your food with chemicals. Yum.

Madame S. makes the rounds. Brian is confident that she'll like his dessert. She ties one of Tiffani's cookies on someone, and has tremendous fun eating it. She takes a bite of Dave's dessert, and gets a perturbed face. He asks her if she wants to finish it, and she politely declines. Whuh, oh. People are more interested in Candice's boobies than her dessert, which of course delights Candice no end. Stephen has a smarmy interview. Miguel plays up the whole dominatrix angle Madame S. has got going. He interviews that a lot of people had no idea how to sell the idea of sexy food. Shots of Dave, Lisa, and Andrea. Heh. More partying. Lee Anne eats something off some guy's pecs, then lets him drizzle something into her mouth. See, she's got the idea! Someone eats a cookie off Tiffani. A guest squirts something onto her own boobs. Miguel squirts sauce into Candice's mouth. Hey, I'm just the messenger. The party really does look like a lot of fun. It ends soon after, and the guests leave.

Judging. Elizabeth is a disappointed in a lot of the desserts, because she is the Queen of All Things Good, Sexy, Artistic, and Creative. Gail says a lot of people didn't really rise to meet the challenge, either in taste or theme. KatieBot drones that Madame S. gets final vote on the winner, and they bring her in. Madame S. says that Tiffani's cookies were the best as far as creativity, but tasted horrible. Hahaha. She says her three favorites are Brian, Stephen, and Miguel. Stephen's champagne and pomegranate concoction was good, and she likes him because he's handsome. She goes on to joke that there's nothing sexy about Miguel. She's being pretty shallow for someone who just hosted a party full of hairy drag queens. Anyway, she likes Miguel's dessert and personality a great deal. Brian is sweet and his dish had nice, varying textures. KatieBot enters the Kitchen. "WE. WOULD. LIKE. TO. CALL. THREE. CHEFS. BACK. TO. THE. JUDGES'. TABLE. BRIAN. MIGUEL. STEPHEN." People clap. Harold interviews that Tiffani should have been in the top three. Hey, didn't she say he should have won the Quickfire? Are they into each other or something?

KatieBot explains to the top three that they are the top three. Tom tells Stephen that while Madame S. liked his dessert, he personally felt that the champagne he chose was too dry. And he's supposed to be a wine expert! Awesome. Elizabeth compliments Miguel. Of course, she can't give a compliment without letting everyone know that even good things are beneath She of the Perfect Desserts, so she adds that it was too over-the-top. Gail liked Brian's crisp and the cream on top. All three are told that they really pleased a lot of people. The winner of the Elimination Challenge is Miguel. Sweet. Applause and congratulations. He's very happy. He goes back to the Kitchen, and calls Lisa, Andrea, Cynthia, and Dave to the table. They trudge out, and are told they're the bottom four. Dave is told his dessert was off-putting, and he completely agrees. Andrea defends her dessert, except for its presentation, which was not only the point of the challenge, but what Tom just told her was wrong with it three seconds before. Nice going, dink. Gail tells her it lacked originality and pizzazz. True. KatieBot says that Lisa didn't sell what she made. Cynthia has a similar problem, being told that she always describes what's wrong with her food instead of what's right with it. She interviews that she didn't share with the judges what's going on in her personal life, because it wouldn't be fair to the other chefs. Now, that's some class. A damn sight more class than I've seen on display lately with a lot of "look at my tragedy - now make me famous!" reality show contestants. That said, it's impossible to describe why she's doing so poorly without giving herself away, so she winds up looking stupid and/or flaky to the judges. That sucks. The bottom four are dismissed. Deliberations. Dave's wasn't good, but at least he tried to apply sexiness. Lisa's wasn't sexy, but at least it tasted good. Andrea's a mess. Elizabeth hates Cynthia. Tom agrees that it comes down to the latter two, and these are the two that are brought back to the table.

Commercials. Tostitos. The official chip of frustrated travelers.

KatieBot informs the bottom two that this was a very difficult decision. Well, that's a misplaced cliche. You say that when you're deciding between two winners, in order to let them know that they both did a good job. Saying that to the bottom two is like saying "We had a hard time deciding which of you sucked more." Badly dubbed blah about why they're sitting there, which we already know. And the loser is.... "ANDREA. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO." She gives a weak smile and heads back to the Kitchen. Lee Anne has the best interview ever, in which she says that while Andrea's food style didn't fit in with this show, Andrea herself is a wonderful person, and she feels privileged to have met her. Aw. Andrea's exit interview is a big "yay, me!" speech about how she's not sorry at all to use healthy, natural foods. Which has absolutely nothing to do with why she was eliminated. Bye, Andrea. Try to pick up a clue on your way out.

Next week on Top Chef: Something smells stanky. Stephen gets into a fight with Candice, and both of them are completely stupid about it. Dave wears a Japanese Rising Sun head-band, like he's a sumo wrestler all of a sudden.

Overall Grade: B