America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 5
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Melrose asked the other girls to keep down their caterwauling so she could get a little sleep. This apparently makes her the spawn of Satan. AJ got covered in fake blood. Jaeda got covered in bullshit criticism. Megg got covered in finally going the fuck home. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Beautiful shot of the moon. The girls hang out in the backyard of the model pad, listening to CariDee play the guitar and sing. She's actually not bad. Jaeda is shaken by being in the bottom two for the second time. AJ interviews that she was closest to Megg, so losing her is like "losing this huge spirit". Not to mention a HARDCORE one. Don't fret, AJ. Maybe you'll see Megg sooner than you think. Spoiler! Melrose makes fun of the other girls for bawling at Megg's elimination. I'm starting to like Melrose more and more.
Morning. Everyone makes the observation that Amanda and Michelle are two very different people. Michelle is the "more outgoing" one. They proceed to prove this to us by her telling Jaeda that she might be gay. Shocked looks all around. Please. I so called this a long time ago. Eugena doesn't know if Michelle just came out or if she's "straddling the fence". There's some imagery for you. The twins go downstairs to get on the phone. Amanda interviews that she didn't really want to talk about this; she just wants it to go away. It doesn't sound like she disapproves, just that she doesn't want her sister's sexuality being scrutinized so publicly, which I can certainly get behind.
Tyra Mail. It says something about stupid questions. The girls hop in the Monster Escalade, and are dropped off at a studio of some sort. They're met by Mark Steines, one of the hosts of Entertainment Tonight, and a man I've never heard of because who watches Entertainment Tonight anymore? They show us some clips of him in action, in case we all thought he was lying. He tells the girls he's there to teach them how to conduct a good interview. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Not the interview challenges! They're always so goddamn boring! They all get to hold a microphone and ask him a question. Zzzzz. There's wacky music to let us know how much the girls suck. Actually, a few of them aren't bad. CariDee, Michelle, and Melrose all do a good job. Ah, yes. About Melrose. As she goes up to talk to Mark, the girls call her "Mel-stank" (um...good one) and Smell-rose (better). It looks like AJ is leading the charge. And any chance that I'd buy this Melrose-as-bitch edit just withered and died. These bitches are calling her names to her face in front of a complete stranger in the middle of a challenge. Fucking twats. She asks them what is up with this treatment, then blows them off to go up to Mark. AJ, Jaeda, and Michelle make snotty, dismissive faces as she does her faux interview. God knows why, because she blows all of them out of the water. Melrose nails it in an interview, saying the girls are far too concerned with her, and not enough with themselves. Preach it, Melrose.
Model pad. Michelle thinks Amanda's not being herself. AJ asks if she's uncomfortable with her sister possibly being bi. Amanda doesn't really know how to respond. And...scene. After the commercials, the girls get some Tyra Mail that reads "BEWARE OF SUPERMODEL. SHE BITES!!!" Well, AJ certainly does. Geez, remember when she was my favorite? Seems like a million years ago. The girls get into the Monster Escalade, which drops them at some design studio. Mark is there. He tells them that they'll be working the red carpet at an opening here tonight. The girls are excited. AJ is wearing the ugliest hat in creation. Mark tells the girls that they'll have an earpiece so that he can help them. And the subject of their interview tonight will be...Janice Dickinson. Score. CariDee knows immediately what sort of hell they're in for. Jaeda interviews that she's seen Janice be "being kind of like...not a bitch, but...kind of like, yeah, kind of a bitch." Hehehe. Jaeda's so cute these days. Begin!
CariDee asks Janice what makes her so "overpungent". I have no idea what word she was actually going for there. And, oof. In news not related to the challenge, CariDee sure has large bags under her eyes. Brooke asks Janice what makes her so bitchy. Scratching record sound. Anchal sucks. Eugena starts off well, but is interrupted by a bird shitting on Janice. Hahahaha! Michelle is blah, though she gives a good effort. Amanda sucks. AJ sucks, and it's all her ugly hat's fault. Melrose does very well. Jaeda royally sucks. Janice sprints off with her microphone. After the evening is over, Mark and Janice come out to announce the winner, who will do an actual interview for Entertainment Tonight. Janice jumps on AJ's ugly hat again. Nice. AJ interviews that she loves her hat; she doesn't care what Janice thinks. That's nice, sweetie. Maybe you can show your hat to Megg later. Spoiler! Mark selects Melrose as the challenge winner. Janice excitedly agrees. AJ is relieved not to have won. Did she actually think she stood a chance?
Model pad. Tyra sneaks in and surprises the girls. I suppose we haven't had enough boring segments this week, because it's time for those Tyresome one-on-one interviews we get every season. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Tyra tells the girls she's going to offer her guidance and share her vast knowledge and experience. I don't know why I'm constantly amazed at Tyra's gargantuan ego. She spots a drawing of herself on the refrigerator that AJ has done. It's not bad. Of course, Tyra would love any drawing in which she is the subject. Anyway, interviews. AJ wastes no time in getting teary, and calling Melrose out as "abrasive". Aw, I guess we can't all be as nice as AJ, who publicly calls people names. Cunt. Yeah, I said it. Melrose comes in with her ugly pink beret on. It certainly is the week of hideous headgear. She freely admits that sometimes her overconfidence can push others away. Tyra asks if she's scared to feel vulnerable. Um...duh, Tyra. Eugena is too cold. CariDee suffered from the heartbreak of psoriasis. Michelle is worried that Amanda isn't being herself. Amanda is withdrawn. She's worried for Michelle, knowing what a rough road an alternate sexual orientation can be.
Commercials. When we return, Michelle and Amanda get on the phone to tell their mother that Michelle basically just announced that she might be bi. Yeah, might be nice to tell the folks before the CW tells them. Their mom is kind of like "Uh.....OK, then." When she's done being stunned, she tells Michelle that she loves her no matter what. Aw. And she can't tell Amanda and Michelle apart on the phone. Heh. Oh, and apparently it's Mother's Day. Hahahahahaha! Happy Mother's Day, I'm a lesbian! Oh, man. Melrose goes to do her reward interviews. She talks to other people on CW shows, including that hot guy who plays Dick on Veronica Mars. Welcome to my short list of blonds, Ryan Hansen. Melrose does wonderfully. I'm going to go buy some posterboard and make a "GO, MELROSE!" sign with glitter. Back at the model pad, the girls get some Tyra Mail, which tells them that they'll be working with the person that knows them best. CariDee thinks it might be family members, which was my first guess as well. CariDee and I are thinking alike! Someone punch me!
The next day, the Monster Escalade drops the girls somewhere. I don't know, it's some studio or something. OJ pops out to greet them. Man, you'd think I'd be used to him after all these seasons, but I still cringe every time he appears onscreen. He tells the girls that they'll be posing with...themselves. They'll be shot once, go get made up again, then be shot again. And the theme? They'll be posing as celebrity couples. Zzzzzz. He assigns them their specific celebrities, which we'll get to later. OJ introduces the photographer, Matthew. The girls go to get made up in their first outfits. They pose in a set made up to look like a club, with some seriously awful extras "dancing" and "partying" behind them. Eugena's up first, as Jay-Z and Beyonce. Her Jay-Z is fine, but as Beyonce, she dances around like a complete hoochie. Anchal is next as Oprah and Stedman (about whom I know nothing). Her wig as Stedman is terrible. She looks like a Jehri-curled Charlie Chaplin. She does well as Oprah, though. CariDee is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. She looks stupid as Brad, and has to corral a bunch of screaming little kids. Hah! I'm not feeling the Angelina either. Maybe I just don't like her bad wig.
AJ is Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. She sucks at both. Brooke is Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. She does fine, though I don't know how challenging it is to look like white trash. For her Britney shot, they make her carry an eight-foot python named Banana. Hehehe. To her credit, she works well with Banana after some initial revulsion. Jaeda is Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. She gives both of them some great energy, and winds up looking pretty damn good. Aw, you go, Jaeda. Michelle is Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. Heh. She gives a perfect little Ellen dork dance. As Portia, her hair looks off. What is up with the stylists today? Amanda is Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. She's really boring, but I don't think it's her fault, given the boring people she has to portray. Melrose is Donald and Melania Trump. She does a very glamorous Melania. OJ tells her that almost every frame is useable. As Donald, she gives a hilarious pinchy face. I'm augmenting my "GO, MELROSE!" poster with little hearts made out of puff paint.
Model pad. Someone's getting eliminated! AJ is still wearing her fugly hat. Traditional hash out of who they think will wind up in the bottom two. Jaeda feels she did well at the photo shoot, but knows she did horribly in the other challenges this week. She says she don't know what she'll do if she winds up in the bottom two again. Don't tempt Tyra like that, Jaeda. After the commercials, we enter into the Chamber of Doom. No portrait of Tyra this week. Because what celebrity could burn as brightly as she? She asks the girls if they've had a whirled-wind of a week. IT'S WHIRLWIND! WHIRLWIND!!!!! Sorry, that's a pet peeve of mine. The prizes are recapped, and the judges are introduced, including guest judge Matthew, this week's photographer. Shit, there's a final challenge this week. And double shit, it's another interview challenge. The girls have to watch a clip of the Jays at a finale party and comment upon it. Unfortunately, they probably can't speak the truth, which is that both Jays look like crap on toast in this clip. As far as the challenge goes, it's a complete redux of the other ones, with the same girls doing well and the same girls doing poorly. Zzzzz.
Individual evaluations. CariDee is first. She did fairly well at the final challenge, and the judges inexplicably love her photo. Again. I think her Brad/Angelina shot is really unremarkable. Jaeda. She sucked at the interviews, but her Bobby/Whitney shot is great. The judges like the Bobby half more than the Whitney, saying she looks scared in that shot. Oh, she does not. The judges are impressed with Brooke's commentary challenge, and think she did an equally impressive job as Kevin/Britney. Yeah, I like the Britney half. I'm not feeling the Kevin photo, but then, I doubt that I ever could. She raps lamely again, much as she did way back when. Eugena looks embarrassed on her behalf. Amanda was too timid in her commentary. Nigel finds her Demi/Ashton shot the most convincing so far. Yes, if by "convincing" he means "dull".
Eugena was catty in her commentary, but Tyra doesn't seem too put off by it. The judges like the Jay-Z half of her shot, because it doesn't show her dead eyes. AJ's commentary was like "bad public access". Her Marc/Jennifer shot is cheesy and bland. Aw, you should have worn your ratty old hat, AJ! That would have won the judges over for sure. Michelle was very staccato in her commentary, but her Ellen/Portia photo kicks all kinds of ass. It really is awesome. At least the Ellen half. Melrose did a fantastic job in every challenge this week, and rocked the photo as well. I'm stringing my "GO, MELROSE!" poster with candy necklaces. AJ makes a snotty face. Eat it, bitch. Anchal's commentary sucked. But wow, did she nail the Oprah shot. The Stedman's not that great, but nobody cares much about him. Just like in real life.
Deliberations. Melrose was spectacular this week. Eugena is dead inside. Jaeda lacks confidence. CariDee is a keeper. Brooke performed strongly this week. AJ is incapable of being glamorous. Amanda has potential. Michelle is great. Matthew prefers Amanda, while Nigel prefers Michelle. Well, one of you isn't a regular judge, so I know who's going to win this fight. Anchal is too insecure. The judges chow down on donuts. Don't ask. It's a long story that's not amusing enough to go into. Elimination. Brooke is safe. Melrose. Another snotty face from AJ, like, GET OVER YOURSELF. Amanda is safe. CariDee. Michelle. Eugena. Anchal. Will Jaeda and AJ please step forward? Brief sidebar. Every week, when it gets down to two girls, I type out their names before Tyra says them, so I can attempt to stay ahead of her. And I'll be damned, but every week, Tyra says them in the opposite order, so that I have to go back and rewrite it. It's like she's doing it out of spite!
AJ takes nice pictures, but has no desire. Jaeda has no confidence. Both of them lack passion. And...Jaeda is spared from the gallows yet again. Yes! AJ makes a move to knock fists with her, but Jaeda doesn't see it, and leaves her hanging. Hahahaha! Tyra and AJ give each other weird little Japanese-lookin' bows. AJ hugs the girls. Even Melrose, though she tells her to "be nice". Shut up, AJ. Her portfolio is quite good, and she voices-over that Tyra eliminated her for the right reasons. Well, thanks for being mature about your elimination, AJ. Perhaps you could apply some of that maturity to not coining nicknames that would make a third-grader look ancient by comparison. She wears her disgusting hat in her final interview. Begone, AJ. You make me tired. Back to the Future fadeout. And then AJ is voted last week's Cover Girl (that audience-favorite poll online). The pull quote even praises her attitude. Hahahaha.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Eugena hates everyone else in the house. The girls dress as transvestite vampires. Or something. Burlesque is involved. Don't you need to have actual thighs to be good at that?
Overall Grade: C+
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