I Know Phil, Little Ol' Gorgeous Thing!

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 4

Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams set out from Mongolia for the flashback-inducing vistas of Vietnam. Tom felt that KanDustin owes him do-overs for race mistakes. He must be a joy to play Monopoly with. Erwin and Godwin cruised into first place, and though Tom and Terry received a penalty, Duke and Lauren couldn't make up enough time and got eliminated. Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Kel-who and Who-mie? I have no idea who those people are.

Outskirts of Hanoi, Vietnam. Phil tells us that at the end of the last leg, Rob had to be treated for heat exhaustion. Since this will turn out to have absolutely no relevance to the upcoming episode, I don't know why they felt the need to tell us. Also, Mary's ankle still hurts. Come on, Mary! You are in a RICE paddy, after all. Erwin and Godwin leave the mat first at 10:55 PM. Their clue tells them to travel by taxi back to Hanoi, and find the Ly Thai To Garden. Once there, teams will have to listen for their next clue. Presumably by the bronze statue pictured on-screen. Teams will receive 588,000 (Limecrete's Brain: "Whaaaaaa????") Vietnamese dong (Limecrete's Brain: "Oh.") for this leg of the race, which they pick up from a nearby man. And hey, now I know that that's only about $36.75, so the producers are still being awesomely stingy. Erwin, it must be pointed out, is wearing a T-shirt that reads "Let's Hug It Out". Hehehe. He interviews that it's important to him and his brother to represent Asian Americans while on the race. Well, except for the boneheaded gun idea, they're off to a good start. Tyler and James leave the mat at 11:22 PM. They lift each other's spirits and blah blah blah. I don't even dislike them anymore. Now they just bore me silly. They make fun of the word "dong" in their cab, which makes me want to break out my Sixteen Candles DVD. Er...not that I own that movie. Rob and Kimberly are off at 11:26 PM. Rob interviews that control is a big issue in their relationship. Ya think? He calls the cab driver "bro" as he tells him to slow down. Little did we know that by the end of this episode we'll all be praying for the word "bro" (along with its cousin "dude") to be expunged from the English language.

KanDustin leaves at 11:27 PM. Dustin interviews that other teams are starting to see their "competitive juices". Ew. They briefly flirt with the idea of bribing the other cabs to leave, which I desperately hope was a joke. If you become Tools, ladies, there's no coming back. Peter and Sarah leave the mat at 11:29 PM. Sarah interviews that she's starting to see "surprising" aspects of Peter's character. Her tone implies that these surprises aren't so much the Cracker Jack kind as the audit kind. Lyn and Karlyn leave at 11:31 PM. I'm going to leave out the majority of the blather about how long they've been away from their children or how they're doing this for their children or how proud their children will be, and GOOD GOD, THERE'S MORE TO LIFE. Karlyn is wearing an incredibly ugly, spangly pink headband. Peter and Sarah's cab passes KanDustin. David and Mary leave the mat at 11:32 PM. Mary interviews that the race is extremely difficult, but she's not giving up, despite her sprained foot. This season really does seem exponentially harder than many others, which is great for the viewers, but I imagine is no picnic for the contestants. Mary is chipper about being so close to other teams. Tom and Terry are last to leave at 11:48 PM. They say that they won't let last week's penalty get them down, and that they'll pay more attention this week.

Erwin and Godwin's cab is a bit lost, so Tyler and James are first to arrive at the garden. There's a loudspeaker message with the next clue, which they seem to hear almost immediately. Peter and Sarah pass Rob and Kimberly. Kimberly says that Peter bugs them. Well, good. Something they can bond over. The two teams arrive at the garden. KanDustin arrives, and heads straight for a table with some growing plants on it that is filled with crickets. They seem to think that the crickets are the key to their next clue. Hehehehe. Erwin and Godwin get directions. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the garden. Everyone seems to pick up on the loudspeaker message at about the same time. The message is in English, but is heavily accented. We get subtitles, so we know the clue tells the teams to take a taxi across the Red River to Ben Xe Gia Lam. Then, they will take a bus to Ben Xe Bai Chay. Then they'll need to find the Hydrofoil Harbor. So the teams all have to write this down, and who knows what garble their translations will turn into? It's like a hellish game of Telephone. Sweet.

Lyn/Karlyn and KanDustin hop back into their cabs. Tyler and James hail a cab, and bring the driver over to listen to the message. Peter and Sarah do the same. Rob and Kimberly simply jump into a cab and tell the driver to follow Tyler and James'. The driver isn't an extra in a Bond movie, and actually can't stay on the other cab's tail in the traffic, which is pretty damn heavy for midnight ("Bro" count: 2). Tyler and James successfully lose them, so Rob and Kimberly now have no idea what to do. As I mentioned in the blurblet for this episode, this week is full of little bits of instant karma, and this is just the first juicy nugget. Try and make another team do all your work for you, and wind up hopelessly lost. KA-WHAP! That's my sound for instant karma striking. Erwin and Godwin finally reach the garden, having slipped to sixth place. Tom and Terry are right behind them. Mary's busy professing her love for their cab driver. Heh. They arrive at the garden. Rob and Kimberly have wound up back at the garden, and ditch their cab. The driver apparently wants more money than Rob has given him, but Rob tells him that he's not getting more for just driving around the block. Tom and Terry find someone who knows exactly where to go, and agree to let Erwin and Godwin follow them. David and Mary get into the same cab they had before, while Rob and Kimberly obviously get a new one. They give the driver their destination, and he clearly has no idea what they're talking about ("Bro" count: 3 -- "Dude" count: 2). That doesn't stop them from letting him drive, because how important could it possibly be to have a cab driver that knows what you're asking of him? This guy drives around in a circle as well. Rob and Kimberly pissily tell him to stop. I know this has got to be frustrating for them, but still. Hehehehehe.

Commercials. General Motors now sells flying cars. Or something.

Rinse and repeat with the driver unhappy with his tiny fare. Third time seems to be a charm, though, as Rob and Kimberly finally appear to find a driver that understands the message. They're now in last place. Rob is happy that they finally found a "competent" taxi driver, and announces that he's done talking with foreigners. Wow, good thing you're not on a race around the world, then. That'd suck. Also, don't you love how Rob and Kimberly's multiple screwups, from trying to get to their next destination by piggybacking to not taking fourteen seconds to find someone who understood the clue is now the fault of Vietnam's transportation industry? The nerve of these people to speak Vietnamese in Vietnam! Perhaps there's some other "competence" that needs to be examined here, greaseball. David and Mary's driver is lost, and they go back to the message to listen to it again. Lyn and Karlyn are similarly wandering. The Hydrofoil Harbor has mutated into "Hydroform Tavern" on Karlyn's notepad. Hehe. KanDustin is first to arrive in the right place, but the busses don't start running until the morning. Know what that means? Yep. All the other teams catch up ("Dude" count: 3). Mary gives her taxi driver a final hug, which he unsuccessfully tries to ward off. Personal space, Mary! All of the teams get onto the same bus, which is taking them more than 100 miles to Ha Long Bay.

And through the magic of television, we're there. Lyn comments on the gorgeous scenery. The teams are dropped off, and there isn't so much "searching for Hydrofoil Harbor", given that the cluebox is about fifty paces away. Roadblock! "Who's got strong arms and legs?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to use mechanical ascenders to climb 90 feet up a rock cliff. Sound familiar? There are three ascenders, which are first-come, first-served. The next clue will be given to them at the top of the cliff. David takes it. Terry. Godwin. Dustin. Rob. Sarah. Sarah!?!? Apparently, she's got some memory problems. That was a dumb choice. Karlyn takes it. Tyler. There's a short flight of steps leading down to the water, where speedboats await to take the teams to the cliff. Mary hobbles a little. In their boat, Sarah warns Peter that she's not going to be as fast at this as the other teams. Other teams are jumping into their boats. As Lyn and Karlyn begin to climb down into theirs, KanDustin snakes them by jumping into it. And Dustin immediately bumps her leg and gets a minor cut. The blood starts flowing. KA-WHAP! Lyn and Karlyn are like, "How do you like your stolen boat now, bitches?". The boats begin to speed across the bay picturesquely.

First to the cliff is David, followed by Terry and Rob. Other teams arrive, but now have to wait for their turns. Climbing ensues. Terry finds the safety equipment tight in the crotch. Heh. Lucky Tom, I guess. Dustin's leg is wrapped up, and she seems to be fine, overall. David racks his head against the rock face. Good thing for that helmet. Forty billion shots of Sarah looking nervous. Rob is first to the top. The guy at the top attaches the clue to his rappel line. Kimberly laughingly reminds him not to come back down without it, and it's basically the first time in the entire race that she's not coming off as a relentless shrew. It only took a month! David and Terry reach the top. On the ground, Tom frets that now he'll be forced into doing the next Roadblock. Fate strings her bow. Rob and Kimberly open their clue, which directs them to take the speedboat to Sung Sot Cave, which is about a mile away. Once there, they'll search the cave for their next clue.

Godwin suits up, and is wearing his pec-defining shirt. Dustin flirts with him. Ooooh! David reaches the bottom. Mary tells him she's super-proud, and they're off to the cave. Karlyn suits up. Tom and Terry leave for the cave. Godwin makes good progress. Karlyn seems to be doing all right, as well. Lyn calls up that if Karlyn can have a baby without anesthesia, she can climb this rock, which makes Karlyn pause to laugh. Heh. Sarah suits up. Peter yells a lot of "you can do it!" blah while the guy is trying to give Sarah directions, and she has to call back for him to shut up for two seconds so she can listen. Godwin makes it to the top, but thinks his arms are too weak to rappel back down. Dude, you're a gym rat, and Terry just did this. Sarah almost instantly runs into trouble, the same as she did on the Great Wall. She also instantly falls into that "I can't. I can't!" patter she did back then. Learn from your mistakes, Sarah. Otherwise, you might wind up with a bossy boyfriend you can't stand. Oh, wait.

Commercials. Wow, these political ads are driving me batty. I already know who/what I'm voting for! Leave me alone, you vultures!

Sarah continues climbing. Peter continues kicking back with a soda. Rob and Kimberly arrive at the cave. It's not a cave in the most traditional sense. It's extremely hollowed out and well-lit, and there are swarms of people inside. Just so you don't have the impression it's just teams wedged into a guano-encrusted hole. They begin to search. Rob bumps his head on the rock. That's kind of a light motif for the evening. Godwin makes it back down at the Roadblock. Kimberly finds the cluebox. Detour! Over or Under. In Over, teams have to ride a junk to a marked buoy. They then row a rowboat (with a Vietnamese name I can't make out -- work with me, Phil's accent) to a supply boat, pick up some supplies, and row themselves to two houseboats. Once they've dropped off both sets of supplies, they row back and receive their next clue. In Under, teams take a junk to the same marked buoy, but this time row their boat to a pearl farm. They then find another set of marked buoys and haul up thirty oyster baskets. When they're finished, they deliver them to a pearl farmer, who will give them their next clue. Rob and Kimberly choose Under. Kimberly doesn't know what a junk is. Karlyn makes it to the top of the cliff. Tyler passes Sarah. Rob and Kimberly find their junk. Damn, part of me was hoping they'd wander around for an hour, yelling "What's a junk???" at the top of their lungs and whining that the people around them are "incompetent" for not understanding.

Karlyn makes it back down. Tyler makes it to the top. Peter yaps at Sarah, who says that she's doing her best. Dustin suits up. Tyler makes it back down ("Dude" count: 4 -- "Bro" count: 4). Tom/Terry and David/Mary reach the cave. Sarah reaches the top of the cliff, and the show doesn't even attempt to tug at our heartstrings with inspirational music this time. She comes back down and they head for the cave, leaving KanDustin in last place. Tom and Terry find the clue and pick Under. Tom says he'll be able to row the boat. Rob and Kimberly arrive at their rowboat. Kimberly wants to be helpful, but as we're about to see, rowing should really be a one-person operation. Rob doesn't pick up the trick of rowing within the first nine seconds, so they decide that they should each take one paddle. I'd nickname this team Never Wants To Take The Slightest Bit Of Time To Figure Out How To Do Something Correctly So They Suck At Everything Which Leads To Their Inevitable Fighting if it didn't take so long to type. But since everything is just one big fight to them, let's just call them RoKi. So they both take an oar. And of course, physics being what they are, it doesn't work. So Kimberly stops and moves up front. And Rob tells her she needs to help by taking one of the oars. Did we fall into a time loop?

David and Mary find the clue in the cave and choose Over, because they're scared of hanging out in the deep water that Under implies. Dustin makes it back down, so they're off to the cave. Tom/Terry and David/Mary board their junks. Mary's still limping and talking about her hurt ankle and David says "yeah, yeah" because we've all heard about the ankle a thousand times. This naturally causes her to get short-tempered with him, and when he suggests they go to the back deck and sit down for a while, she snaps that he can tell her what to do when he's her boss. Mary, you can complain about your ankle or you can refuse to sit down when you have the chance. Not both. RoKi finally makes some progress with their rowing and sees the marked buoys at Under. Erwin and Godwin reach the cave and choose Under. RoKi can't find the oyster baskets ("Dude" count: 5). They spring right into the hissyfit tantrum portion of every task they are faced with, no matter how minor. James and Tyler find the cave clue and pick Under. On their way out, they pass Lyn and Karlyn, who ask them if they've found anything. They lie and say they haven't. Now, I'm not one to suggest that teams owe each other any help. Nobody's under any obligation to be like "Sure, let me show you the way to the cluebox!". But it would have been just as effective (and a hell of a lot less squirrely) to say "Yep, we found it. It's back there somewhere." You haven't really helped in any appreciable way. Plus, it spares you the other team instantly seeing through your pathetic lie and thus engendering some ill will that may well bite you in the butt later. In other words, I'm not against lying in the game, but feel it's unwise to lie if it's unnecessary. As it is here, because Lyn and Karlyn easily find the cluebox. They choose Over.

Once RoKi actually settles the fuck down and concentrates, they begin to collect oyster baskets efficiently. Peter and Sarah find the cave clue and choose Under. Tom and Terry get into their rowboat and have trouble getting the hang of it. KanDustin gets their clue and chooses Over. They refuse to give up. Mary and Dave have trouble getting the hang of their rowboat. Really, you can just assume that if someone's in a rowboat, they're having trouble. Terry takes over rowing, because Tom's so horrible at it. Erwin and Godwin row. Tyler rows, doing the smart thing and just handling it himself. James just hangs out like Cleopatra. In a very strange scene, Peter rows, and Sarah tells him he's doing great. He tells her not to talk. She continues complimenting him. He continues telling her to stop talking so he can concentrate on the rowing. Who's weirder here? Sarah for refusing to shut up, or Peter for trying to shut down encouragement when that's all he does when Sarah does anything? These guys are freaks. Lyn and Karlyn begin to row. KanDustin begins to row. The wind is picking up, and various teams are shown having more and more difficulty. Everyone is completely frustrated.

Commercials. Congratulations, lady. You've improved your dog's breath. Now let's work on your hairstyle.

KanDustin can't make any headway against the wind. This may be because they're rowing their boat by kneeling on the back and each taking an oar. That may well be the most useless way to try and propel a boat ever. They give up on trying to make it to Over and work with the wind by switching to Under. David and Mary do the same thing. RoKi finishes their baskets. They also keep yelling at each other, which is becoming so tiresome, I can't even describe it. Tyler starts hauling baskets up. Um, James? Care to contribute anything today? Tom and Terry arrive at Under. Tom whines. RoKi drops off their baskets, and gets their final clue. It directs them to row back to their junk, which will take them to the pitstop, which is nine miles away at Soi Sim Island. Oh, goody. More rowing. Lyn and Karlyn reach the supply boat for Over. They load up and head for the nearby floating village. How cool would it be to live in a floating village? RoKi makes it back to the junk, and are so through with rowing, probably for the rest of their lives. Understandable. Kimberly interviews that Rob is too intense and yelling at her a lot, and that the stress of the race is intensifying their fighting. That's understandable too, except stop trying to put it all on Rob's shoulders. You yell just as much and just as often, princess, so you can lose the put-upon girlfriend act.

Erwin and Godwin arrive at Under and start hauling up baskets. Sarah has the temerity to actually point out where the marked buoys are for their task. What a bitch! I mean, come on! This time it's not pointless encouragement, but actual direction. Peter has to tell her to stop talking again, because once you give your girlfriend the right to speak, that's just a slippery slope into letting her voice an opinion. We can't have that! Peter leans over to pull up the first basket, but he leans over so far that water starts pouring into the boat. Sarah yelps and pulls him back. They both start spazzing. Lyn and Karlyn marvel at the floating village as they drop off their first bundle of supplies. Peter yells at Tom and Terry, because their boat is getting too close. Well, sure. It's not like Peter himself would ever almost bump another team with something he can't control. Otherwise he'd look like a huge hypocrite right about now, huh? After he pulls one or two in, he spazzes that he's so done with the task. Tom and Terry make it to the buoys, but can't find the baskets. Maybe they're at the ones that RoKi already cleaned out. David and Mary arrive and get to hauling baskets. Lyn and Karlyn drop off their second bundle.

KanDustin rows. Tyler and James finish the baskets, so they've made up all sorts of time. RoKi runs up to the mat. The greeter is a very pretty young lady, who welcomes them. They don't respond, of course, because they're done talking to foreigners. They're told they're team number one, and win a pair of jetskis. Phil asks them point blank if they're being nice to each other. Rob says that they're both so competitive, and need to learn to chill. YES. YES, YOU DO. After you learn that, we'll work on evolving beyond early '90s slang. Karlyn's just about fed up with the rowing. Erwin and Godwin finish Under. Tyler and James drop off their baskets. Erwin and Godwin aren't far behind. Peter and Sarah finish Under. Karlyn is getting hysterical, due to their rowing trouble, and Lyn has to talk her down a bit. Tyler rows back to the junk ("Bro" count: 5). Erwin and Godwin make it back, then Peter and Sarah. Once on the junk, Sarah tells Peter that he rocked the task. And Peter completely ignores her. Doesn't smile. Doesn't respond. Just examines his own elbows. Sarah, this is getting painfully uncomfortable. Dump him! In an interview by herself, she says that her feelings towards him have changed, because she's not impressed with the way he's acting during tasks and the way he's treating her. Well, good. At least she recognizes it. Then, in an interview on the junk, she says that she also didn't like how he wanted to give up in the middle of a task, because she didn't piss and moan about climbing up the rock face. She says they've made up a ton of ground today, which should make her happy, but doesn't. Peter gives a look to the interviewer like "Can you believe this stupid bitch?". HATE.

David and Mary finish Under. So they've beaten Tom and Terry, who are just getting started on their baskets. Man, they must have really sucked at this. KanDustin arrives. Peter and Sarah's junk is passing Tyler and James' ("Dude" count: 6). Turns out that one of the crew members on Tyler and James' junk forgot to pull up the anchor, which is what's causing them to go so slow. Hahahahaha! KA-WHAP. Tyler sarcastically makes fun of the crew member, which flies right over the guy's head. The damage is done, though, so Peter and Sarah make it in as team number two. Jeez, it's like the teams are finishing in reverse order of their effectiveness as a couple. That's not inspiring. Teams row. Tyler and James check in as team number three. KanDustin has already collected more baskets than Tom and Terry. Erwin and Godwin check in as team number four. They look pretty unhappy with that. KanDustin finishes their baskets. Mary spots Phil from their junk, and gives us the titular quote. Of four episodes, Mary has been given the episode title in three. Jeez, who is she sleeping with over at CBS? Also, I note that they left out the "scrawny" part of that quote in the episode title. Wimps. KanDustin turns in their baskets. They get their clue, but don't understand it on the first read, because they believe they have to row to the pitstop instead of just rowing back to the junk. I'll remind you that the pitstop is nine miles away.

Lyn and Karlyn return their invoice and get their pitstop clue. David and Mary check in as team five, and are shocked to not be lower. Tom and Terry finally finish their baskets. KanDustin can't figure out what they're doing wrong. They go back to read the clue again, but it's become wet and shredded. Rut roh! Tom and Terry get their pitstop clue. Dustin says that she's frustrated that Kandice didn't take better care of their clue. Kandice doesn't want to start with the blame-throwing. That must be Dustin's talent in the pageant. Tom whines. Dustin cries. They're both exhausted. Lyn and Karlyn are on their junk, but they seem to think they're in last place. Kandice figures out that they need to row back to the junk. I'm not thrilled with the failure to read the clue in the first place, but that was some smart thinking on her part. Tom is so done with rowing that he jumps into the water and starts pulling the boat. They beach themselves on some rocks and call for the junk to come pick them up. Um, no. That won't be happening. Lyn and Karlyn check in as team number six. They're pleased. KanDustin rows. Tom pulls the boat towards the junk. KanDustin makes it back to the junk, and Dustin's first impulse is to start figuring out who to blame for losing (or ruining) the clue. Kandice tells her she's getting a little sick of that, and says to the camera that when something goes wrong, it always seems to be her fault. Dustin starts crying. Tom is so tired he can't even pull himself into the junk.

KanDustin makes up. Aw. I wouldn't be a ray of sunshine on this leg, either. Tom and Terry cry, and Terry says how proud of Tom he is for pulling the freakin' boat. Tom says he had to do it. He doesn't say he did it to prove he could or to never give up. He just wanted to get the hell out of there. Heh. A team approaches Phil. Who will it be? Well, it's KanDustin, unsurprisingly. They're team number seven. They're relieved. Sad, tinkly piano music. Tom and Terry kick back on their junk, and hold hands. They approach the mat. Phil tells them they're last, and that they've been eliminated. Aw, I don't like Tom much, but this was a tough leg for them. Terry says that their relationship has only been strengthened by the race, so that's sweet.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Alligators snap at KanDustin. Peter and Sarah snap at each other. See you then, bros and dudes.

Overall Grade: B-