Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 4
Previously on Top Chef: AMERRRRRRRRRRRRRRICA! The chefs had to work with limited ingredients and equipment. Mike tossed a salad he didn't even care about. Ew, not like that, perv. Michael won the challenge, Mike got pissed that the food he makes actually gets judged, and Preeti got eliminated for her insistence on being a perfectly nice, normal person. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. No viewing party this week, so it was just LabRat and I. That did free me up to make something that doesn't have to travel well, so we had some veggies, rice, and a terrific honey-mustard salmon that is deceptively simple.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Mike doesn't think he should have been on the bottom in the last challenge, because he's been on the top of every other challenge but one. Erm, no. Leaving aside the easily-destroyed argument that once someone is considered for a win, they must never qualify for Losers' Table, he's still wrong. He was in the top group for the first Elimination Challenge, but hasn't been there since. He rode the other men's coattails to his "win" in the bachelor/bachelorette challenge (in which the judges hated his food), and rode Michael's coattails to his "win" in the Air Force challenge (in which the judges hated his food). Nice try, though. Meanwhile, Robin frets because the first three eliminated contestants were all female, and worries that the boys are going to get swelled heads.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs go to Daniel Boulud's restaurant, where they are met by Ptom and Daniel Boulud himself, sitting in as guest judge this week. Ptom begins an introduction to French food, and how it's always been popular in the United States. Mattin is already grinning, sure he's got any French food challenge in the bag. The one French ingredient that has yet to really catch on here in the States is escargot. Jenc agrees that snail is difficult to cook well, and whoever first looked at one and thought "Yum!" must have been really fucking hungry. And how. Same goes for lobster and sea urchin. Today, the chefs' challenge is to make a dish using snail as the main protein. Daniel cautions that it must also be a new twist on escargot, so whatever is considered a "normal" snail dish is out the window. This is one of those high-stakes Quickfires, which means big news for both the winner and the loser. The winner gets immunity and another advantage that we'll get to later. The loser gets eliminated on the spot. A whole new layer of anxiety settles over the chefs. Ptom starts the forty-five minute countdown, and they all scatter.
Snail murder ensues. Mike is going for a Greek feel to his dish, because snail is a delicacy in Crete. I'm certainly not surprised that he wants to emulate a Cretan. Ba-zing! Kevin explains to us that snail doesn't taste like much of anything, so the background flavors must be boosted by other ingredients. Hector wants to marry escargot with Carribean flavors. Robin accidentally steals Ron's ingredients. She's anxious, having never worked with snail before, and fearing elimination. Over at the other end of the anxiety spectrum, Mattin doesn't have a care in the world. Jesse attempts to escape her sinkhole of despair. People plate up, and time runs out.
The chefs come out in small groups to present their dishes to Ptom and Daniel. Ron has made a French-style snail with caramelized shallots, alcohol, veggies, and some herbs. Jenc has grilled ramps, brussels sprouts, mushrooms, and yuzu with sauteed snail. Jesse has done a play on BLT called an "ELT", consisting of escargot and mache, with fried tomato as the "bread". If nothing else, it's very clever. Laurine has made lemon risotto with sauteed escargot, spinach, a parsley pesto, and some garlic butter. I have to say, I don't know how any of this tastes, but I have yet to see a dish of Laurine's that didn't at least sound really good. She and I are in sync, food-wise. Hector has paired Carribean escargot with pickled mushrooms. He and I are not in sync, food-wise. Robin has done a play off of bagels, lox, and cream cheese. Preach it, sista! I'll see you at shul for High Holidays! You know, if either of us feels like going or is at least guilted into it by our parents. Her plate includes poached escargot with marmalade, gooseberries, and rye toast.
Mattin has made fava bean toast with sauteed escargot, a regional pepper, and anise. Ew. Anise taints everything, but mix it with a pepper, and I'll bet it's even worse. Ashley has made soup and salad, and seems to have just plopped the snail into it. Kevin wanted to do a snail fricassee, and has paired it with mushrooms, brussels sprouts, and for something a little more interesting, a candied bacon jam. Intriguing. Bryan has a fermented garlic, butter-poached escargot with red wine risotto, a spinach emulsion, and some almond froth. Bryan seems like a nice guy and a competent chef, but his food sure leans towards the frou-frou. Michael has braised his snail in veal jus, and serves it with mushrooms and lasagna noodles. Mike has sauteed snail over potato garlic puree, some broth made with ouzo, and a little spring onion, lemon, and olive oil. Sounds good. That's all the dishes we see, and the chefs shuffle out nervously to hear the results.
For obvious reasons, we start with the favorites this time, instead of the bottom-dwellers. Mike's Greek preparation, Kevin's bacon jam, and Jenc's yuzu have elevated them to the top. Jeez, I have nothing against Mike being in the top for this one (his food really did look good), but if anyone gets to brag about ruling challenges, he should look over at the other two. The ultimate winner turns out to be... Kevin. He's happy with the win, and the validation it gives his down-home-flavor techniques. Now, to the bottom three. Jesse is required by law to be in the bottom group, and she's joined by Ashley and Robin. So, woman, woman, and woman. Looks like Robin's fears were well-founded. Rather than just cutting someone right away, Ptom sends the three of them back to the kitchen, giving them twenty minutes to whip together an amuse bouche to save themselves.
They cook. Time runs out. Oddly, all of them have made three plates for two judges. Who's getting that third one? Robin has made a mini avocado soup with yuzu, green apple, mustard relish, and crab. Jesse has a tuna tartare with sorrel, gooseberries, fried bread, and a fried quail egg on top. Ashley has thrown together some foie gras with pineapple, tarragon, and ramps. Foie gras with pineapple? Your ideas interest me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Robin's soup was good, but could have used more crab. Jesse's tartare could have used some spice. Ashley's foie gras needed to be cut a little thicker. Fairly minor criticisms, all.
Commercials. Go on the web to learn the winning Quickfire dish. Good idea. Let me pull out my escargot. I just need to move my liquid nitrogen tank out of the way first.
It's time for someone to go home, and to nobody's surprise, it's Jesse. It's almost the merciful thing to do at this point. She's upset and embarrassed to have been on the bottom of the heap yet again, and wants us all to know that she doesn't suck this bad when she's at home. I have no trouble believing it. Cooking skill doesn't equate to skill in marathon speed challenges with weird parameters. Ashley is relieved that she wasn't the one to go, but is using this experience to build her reputation, and being in the bottom sure doesn't help that. Jenc says that with four women in a row being eliminated, the rest of them have to step it up.
Elimination Challenge. Everyone but Kevin will draw a knife from the knife block. Six of them draw classic French sauces, and six of them draw classic French proteins. Mike is stressed, because he has no experience in French cooking. His worry is understandable, but I wish he wouldn't waggle his tongue around like that. It's fairly nasty. Ptom tells the sauce chefs and the protein chefs to pair up to create a six-course meal. Mattin is happy, because this challenge is almost tailor-made to his skills. Of course, so was the escargot challenge, and I don't remember hearing his name up in the winners' circle. I'm sure I must have just been distracted.
The chefs will be cooking for some of the biggest names in French cuisine, none of whom I've ever heard of (except for Hubert Keller, and that's because of this show). That's not a knock against them or their reputations; I'm just interested in a wide range of food styles, and tend not to concentrate on the Names within that style. I get that Americans view classic French techniques as the Holy Grail of the culinary world, but frankly, I feel Asian, Mediterranean, Latin, etc. can be just as valid and sophisticated. The contestants don't feel the same way. They're blown away by the Names they'll be serving. Michael says this may be the most important plate of food he's ever cooked. The chefs will have two hours to cook in the Kitchen, and an additional one hour of prep time on-site. As the winner of the Quickfire, Kevin is not only excused from cooking, but gets to eat with the rest of the diners. It sounds wonderful, though LabRat points out that if the ultimate goal of these chefs is to get important industry people to eat their food, Kevin's missing out on a potentially big opportunity. Oh, well. Who am I to intrude on his happiness?
Ptom gives the chefs ten minutes to pair up. I wonder why Padma's not covering this challenge. Did she have a shampoo or Hardee's commercial to film? Sorry, I'm still not over her snotty attitude from last week. I'll let it go now. Anyhow, the chefs pair up to be Michael/Jenc, Eli/Laurine, Ashley/Mattin, Hector/Ash, Mike/Bryan, and Ron/Robin. The individual proteins and sauces are all thrown at us in kind of a mouth-garbling mess, so we'll leave those alone for now. Everyone heads to the store for half an hour of shopping time with a $200 budget. Ashley suggests asparagus, which Mattin vetoes, saying it doesn't go with their sauce. He'd rather flavor the sauce with bacon. He is, after all, the French One, and must know best. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks, while Ron shops stoically. He tells us that she has a bunch of ideas that veer wildly away from classic French cooking, so he hopes his frog legs and her sauce are judged separately. Sibling rivalry interviews from Michael and Bryan. Zzzzz.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their two hours of prep time. Lobster murder ensues. There's been more death in this episode of Top Chef than your average Dexter. Michael butchers rabbits. Ashley massages Mattin's ego about how awesome French food is. He's the French One, you know. Bryan explains his method for cooking trout to Mike. Mike doesn't seem to care that much, concentrating on his bearnaise sauce. He's never made it before, and works with Bryan's guidance to make a deconstructed sauce with all of the ingredients separated. Man, in six seasons, I don't think I've ever seen a contestant indulge in this much coattail-riding. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron's brain floats away to his Happy Place. As the time winds down, everyone packs up their food for transport.
Interstitial. Mattin drunkenly celebrates his birthday in a very Europy bathing suit.
The next morning, the chefs try to work the butterflies out of their stomachs, without much success. The Names are striking intense fear into their hearts. Ancient Greeks watching this show from Heaven are all like "Damn, we didn't quake this much when Zeus came down to kill or impregnate us." Everyone except Kevin heads to the MGM Grand where they'll be doing their final hour of prep and serving. Robin talks and talks and talks and talks. Ron escapes her and interviews that while he may be trained in French cuisine, French people and Haitian people don't have a great history of getting along. Mike works on his sauce, and begins to back out of the idea when it doesn't come together right away. Bryan tells him to just heat it more, and that they'll be fine.
Eli and Laurine are working with lobster and a sauce that Eli equates to lobster bisque. Yes, please! Laurine tells us that lobster is tough to cook well, as it's easy to overcook it into a rubbery mess. Mattin works on his veloute, hoping to stand out with his use of bacon. Ashley lets him take the lead on their overall plate, but she's extremely nervous about the whole thing. Jenc and Michael fly along on their rabbit with a chasseur. Hector is in charge of the chateaubriand, with Ash making an au poivre (peppercorn) sauce. Hector worries that the meat isn't cooking fast enough. Meanwhile, the judges, Names, an interpreter, and Kevin get seated in the dining room. Ron and Robin get their food plated. Eli makes fun of them in an interview.
Commercials. Yeesh. Top Chef may be the sole watchable show on Bravo this season.
Padma introduces everyone at the table to Ron and Robin, who are serving the first course. The Names seem genuinely pleased to be here. Let's get eating! Ron's frog legs are covered by Robin's meuniere sauce (brown butter, lemon, and parsley). They're served with a lemon confit, some mache, and an arugula salad with fried capers. The judges allow that frog legs are a difficult protein, but find them over-floured and overcooked. The Head Name (Joel Robuchon - who speaks in French throughout) finds the frog leg flavor masked by the sauce. Mike and Bryan are the second course, with warm cured trout and the deconstructed bearnaise sauce. The Names find everything to be simple, yet impressively sophisticated. I'm glad they don't take the time to air both the Head Name's original French critique and the interpreter's English translation of it, but the resulting French-with-subtitles makes it look like everyone at the table speaks fluent French, which is kind of hilarious.
Eli and Laurine go out with the third course, which is the lobster with the bisque-like "Americaine" sauce, a cauliflower puree, and a touch of raw cauliflower on top. In general, it goes over well, but loses some points on the details. The lobster is a bit tough and the sauce isn't as flavorful as it should be. Still, it's not bad for a couple of American rubes who don't know which end of the Eiffel Tower is up. Ashley and Mattin are the fourth course. They've made seared poussin (young chicken) with the veloute sauce, some ravioli, and green asparagus. Ashley's poussin is bland, while the bacon overpowered Mattin's sauce.
Michael and Jenc are the fifth course, with rabbit and the chasseur sauce. It's paired with a little mustard noodle and shiso leaf. The judges like it a lot, saying Michael and Jenc avoided the easy trap of tough meat, and that it's a very "mature" dish overall. Back in the kitchen, Hector does not have enough time to finish cooking the meat, let it rest, carve it, and get it on the plate. So the meat gets up to the proper temperature, but doesn't rest, is cut quickly and sloppily, and Ash doesn't get a lot of sauce on the plates before time runs out. Yipes. Their peppercorn steak is served with apple confit and spinach. As expected, the judges find their plates unrefined, messy, and light on sauce.
The Names enjoy the meal overall, and Gail posits that in no other season would they have had this good of a meal at this point in the competition. I just looked back at Episode Four in all of the previous seasons, and have to agree. Back at the main Kitchen, the chefs sit for their fret 'n sweat. Kevin enters to wait it out with them. They grill him about what the Names liked and disliked, but he's very non-committal. He's either being diplomatic, or more likely, is being forced by the producers to keep the judges' opinions secret.
Commercials. I covet the pared-down glasses these people drink from in the 64-calorie beer ads.
Judges' Table. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Michael/Jenc and Bryan/Mike to the table. What, no Mattin? But he's French! Padma informs the four chefs that they had the two best dishes of the night, and the four of them just stand there, presumably waiting for some other shoe to drop. Padma and Ptom have to remind them that this is a good thing. Bryan and Mike are roundly complimented on both the sauce and the fish. Michael and Jenc are too, but in this case, there's a healthy side helping of sexual tension.
LabRat: "As soon as the cameras are off, they are going to do it."
Daniel gets to announce the challenge's winner, and it's Bryan, for both his food and his advanced ideas about technique. His prize is to work at the Head Name's restaurant for a week. Awesome. Next time he wins, his prize can be to clean my bathroom. Padma asks the chefs to send the losers out. Mattin, Ashley, Hector, and Ash are the unlucky group. Ashley's poussin was dry and heavy. Mattin's sauce was more of a gravy than a veloute, and his use of bacon is questioned. He shrugs that he hasn't made a veloute in a long time. But the Frenchness! Ashley's asparagus didn't add much, and the judges suggest maybe having done an asparagus veloute, because they're psychic. They always say that they don't see any of the behind-the-scenes stuff, and only judge on the food that's presented to them. This is what's known as "bullshit". Ashley says the idea of an asparagus veloute did come up, and Ptom assumes that Mattin shot it down. He denies it, which may not be an outright lie, but is certainly closer to false than true. Nothing is ever made of this maneuver of his, which is weird. Hector and Ash's problems were apparent. Their time issue led to not enough sauce, not enough resting, and not enough care taken with the carving.
Deliberations. Padma says that a case could be made for someone from either team going home. Thank you for that invaluable contribution. Hector's poor timing cannot be overlooked, especially since he had the simplest protein to work with out of anybody. Ash's sauce was pretty much fine, if minimal. Ashley's ravioli was too thick, her meat was dry, and she refused to sell Mattin out. Ah, shades of last week. How unwelcome. Mattin had a chance to shine in his area of expertise, and just didn't make a proper sauce. Here is the point where I'd normally sneer at Ptom for dictating to a French person how to make a French sauce, but Mattin really did seem to skitter off the rails tonight. The judges make a decision.
Elimination. This one isn't very suspenseful, which is fine. It's not the show's fault that one person messed up so much worse than everyone else. If you can't cook a basic steak, you can't move on, and so it's Hector that will be taking the long walk tonight. He's disappointed that he won't be able to stick around to represent himself and his people. It's true that with him gone, Ron's the only one left keeping this from being the whitest season ever. Hector thinks he maybe shouldn't have changed his style to meet time restrictions or the judges' tastes. Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Eve stayed true to her roots, and look what happened to her. Fortunately, Hector seems more on the ball, and his workaholic nature will serve both as a cushion for the disappointment and a focus for what to do next. Bon voyage!
Overall Grade: B+
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Mess Hall
Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 3
Previously on Top Chef: A bachelor/bachelorette party challenge offended Jenc and Ashley. The hot sun demolished a lot of the food. RoboBrian climbed the ladder to an Elimination Challenge win, while Eve discovered that if you're going to be on a show called Top Chef, it may be wise to cook something edible. Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. In addition to the familiar cast (wine, cheese, crackers, and summer sausage), LabRat cooked up some spicy Andouille sausage that he then declared unfit to share with the viewing party. Between you and me, I think he kept it home so we could hog it. Luckily, we didn't show up empty-handed. The Great Depression Cookies delighted all, as food shaped like letters of the alphabet is wont to do.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Jenc is pissy, because the women's loss last week prevented her from being among the top chefs for the first time. Laurine says she's nervous, because she went to culinary school a long time ago, and made the decision to focus on a solid career, rather than being a "rock-star chef". At this point, I write down Laurine's name as being at the losers' table at the end of this episode, because that is some of the most naked foreshadowing I've ever seen. One of the themes for this evening, as you'll quickly discover, is that Top Chef is still one part cooking competition; nine parts television show. I'm confident the other theme will soon become apparent. Jesse worries, because she's been scraping the bottom of every single challenge so far, save the first one.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Mark Peel, who was a contestant on Top Chef Masters, a fairly entertaining spinoff of this show that was fun to watch, and dull as dishwater to write about. It was disconcerting enough to just have Kevin, who closely resembles one of my friends. Now we've also got Mark Peel, who closely resembles another one of my friends. Two or three more, and we'll have a Twilight Zone episode in the works. There's one other thing worth noting in the Kitchen, which is mountain upon mountain of potatoes sitting on the counter. Padma explains that the Quickfire will be to create an "out of this world" dish featuring any of the many kinds of potatoes available. The normal time limit has been extended to forty-five minutes, I guess because potatoes take a while to cook. Jesse is excited, because she likes potatoes. Really? Wow! I never thought I'd see another person on Earth who enjoys potatoes! We're soulmates!
Padma starts the clock. Jenc grabs the mussels and focuses her razor-sharp concentration on getting her potato base seasoning right. Ron aims for snapper crusted with sweet potato, calling himself the Bob Marley of the kitchen. Ash hopes to impress with a sweet potato ice cream. Jesse works on a soup, because she loves it and finds it comforting. No fucking way! Me too! She likes potatoes. She likes soup. Don't even tell me she enjoys chocolate or bacon from time to time or I'm going to think we've been separated at birth. Mike works on a potato risotto, and lacking an opportunity to condescend to the inferior women in the Kitchen, condescends to us, instead. The audience laments that WonkaVision hasn't been perfected yet, and we can't transmit bricks through the screen and into his face. Ashley is attempting to make potato gnocchi, which is tough to pull off in forty-five minutes.
Preeti mixes asparagus and peppers with her potato, saying that after being on the bottom last week, she's really got to step it up. Don't bother, Preeti. After the look Ptom gave your clam-shucking attempts in the first episode, and the pissy lecture about swapping the shiso leaves in the second one, you may as well throw some raw potato on the plate and call it a day. Call it the Suyai Rule; once Ptom doesn't like your personality or the way you comport yourself, you could make a scale model reproduction of Big Ben out of potato and still get trashed for it.
Meanwhile... Minor drama! Kevin has told Preeti she could use his pot of boiling water, but it's gone by the time she goes over to use it. Not knowing this, she puts her food in Ashley's boiling water, which Ashley desperately needs. Given the type of people they tend to cast on Top Chef, it's resolved very rationally, all things considered. Preeti apologizes profusely, and while Ashley is panicked and very curt about it, she lets it go once she's got her food back on track. Jenc laughingly interviews that she, herself wouldn't have been nearly as nice if someone had screwed up her water. Ash realizes that his ice cream isn't getting cold fast enough. Jesse realizes that she's put too much cayenne pepper in her soup. Time runs out.
Padma and Mark go down the line. With no ice cream to present, Ash tells them that he's made a chilled, sweet potato custard with toasted pecans on top. Hehe. Nice. Mark says it has a nice texture, as Ash holds back a laugh. Bryan has made a vichyssoise with sunchoke and Yukon gold potatoes, and has included some applewood-smoked caviar as well. Sounds good. Mark tells him he's neatly avoided the gluey mess that it could have been. Preeti has aimed for "out of this world" through use of color. She's made saffron-poached banana fingerling potatoes and paired it with asparagus and tomato. It's a very pretty plate, I'll give it that. Michael has a confit of tuna with olive oil and confit of potato in chicken stock. It sounds good, but takes up only a lonely little corner of the plate, making it look kind of sad. Mark finds the potato underdone, but the rest is good.
Jenc presents her steamed mussels with Yukon gold and blue potatoes in a lemongrass potato sauce (with duck fat, chicken stock, ginger, and garlic). Yum. Robin has gone the breakfast route with purple and fingerling potatoes, white yams with pancetta, a bit of frisee and a fried egg on top. Hector is nearly unintelligible, but has made a trio of Latin-inspired potatoes, including sweet potato in fish sauce with lime, purple potatoes with ham, and fingerling potatoes with yeast, yellow chile, cream, and a slow-cooked egg. Really? Just plain yeast tossed in? Odd. Laurine has made a vegetarian potato "burger" with tomato, Swiss chard, and a mushroom bun with fingerling chips on the side. Mattin has made a beautiful plate of poached cod with little pools of puree. There are blue potato, Yukon gold, and sweet potato purees, lending a very "artist's palette" look to it. Kevin has made bacon-braised yam with potato sauce, served with asparagus, mushroom, and cauliflower on emulsified duck fat. Mike presents his potato risotto with king crab and mascarpone. Mark finds it salty, but Padma tries to soften the blow by giving him credit for a good idea. Ashley has pulled off her potato gnocchi with Hen of the Woods mushrooms and a homemade ricotta. Very impressive.
Eli has done a play on sweet potatoes with mushrooms, making a yam puree with pistachios, whipped bliss potato, and a bourbon maple syrup. Padma gets a pistachio shell in the mouth. Eli tempts Fate by saying that while he suspects that he doesn't have the winning dish, he won't be on the bottom. Ron has made some sweet potato-crusted yellowtail with a fennel and leek stew on the side. Mark tells him that his favorite part is the stew, and Ron grins, not picking up on the signal that the potato part of the dish should have taken center stage. Jesse is already beet red with embarrassment when the judges approach. She has made sweet potato soup with ginger, brown sugar, and cayenne pepper. I'd be curious to try a version of that with the correct amount of seasoning. I can't put brown sugar and cayenne together in my head. Jesse beats herself in the head. That's not figurative.
Results. Mark has been where the chefs are standing, and realizes that the time limit is the biggest challenge to overcome. That said, the bottom three are Eli, for tempting Fate (really it's for the sweetness of his food, but again - one part cooking; nine parts television), Ron's bland yam on top of overcooked fish, and naturally, Jesse's overly spicy soup.
Tiffany: "The Bland Yams will be the name of my next band."
Speaking of naturally, Jenc gets high marks for her mussels. Ash's custard is in the top as well, and the look on his face is utterly priceless. He goofed his dish up, pulled the idea to present it as if he meant it that way directly out of his ass, and beat out at least twelve other chefs. He tries to keep from cracking up. Rounding out the top three is Ashley, whose mushrooms were cooked perfectly and enhanced her potato gnocchi. The winner of the Quickfire will get immunity, but no shiny cash prize this time, I'm afraid. That winner is... Jenc. Mike calls this win "favoritism", because she's won all of two Quickfires, judged by different people. He'd be amusing if he weren't so fucking obnoxious.
Commercials. We here at Bravo realize that you have a choice when it comes to selecting a show about classless whores, and we thank you for selecting ours.
Elimination Challenge. Padma brings in a special guest. It's Colonel Dave Belote, of the local Air Force base. He tells the chefs that their challenge will be to cook a meal for 300 service personnel. Some of them are returning from duty, and some of them are on their way out, so this could be the last good meal they have for a while. He warns them that these soldiers have tasted food all over the world (read: "Don't assume they're rubes who will be happy with a bunch of greasy burgers,") and that they have nutritional requirements. Michael and Bryan are excited, because their little sister is in the Air Force. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be working in a single team, and will have four hours to cook. However, they won't know what ingredients or cooking equipment they'll be working with until the next day. This does not fill the room with glee.
Ashley: "I feel fortunate to be able to have the opportunity to cook for these people."
LabRat (as Ashley): "But I won't, because they don't allow gays in the military."
Back at the Resort (my name for their snazzy house), the chefs have a meeting to discuss how to handle the challenge. Mike may be a raging asshole, but he does have a very smart idea as to how to divide the work. Jenc will be in charge of the kitchen, making sure all the dishes are coordinated, while the remaining fourteen chefs split into teams of two, each of which will concentrate on their own dish. That way, if everything goes to hell, Jenc is protected by immunity. Jenc has no problem with that, only hoping that everyone is able to work well together. Teams are picked. Preeti aligns herself with Laurine because of their geographical connection. Geography also brings Eli and Kevin together, as well as a "fat kid" bond. Land mass isn't the only team-forming bond, though. There's also the matter of similar names. Ash and Ashley team up, as do Mike and Michael. Bryan/Mattin and Hector/Robin wind up together, probably because all four of them are desperate to avoid working with Jesse the anchor. Ron is too mild-mannered to speak up about his teammate preferences, so he gets put with her. He's not entirely happy about this.
The next morning, the chefs head for the Air Force base. Robin joins the chorus of voices clamoring to pledge support for this challenge and who they're cooking for. When the chefs arrive, they discover a mass of canned food. There are also no stoves or individual pots. It's mostly big ovens and enormous vats. The chefs despair.
Commercials. We here at Bravo realize that you have a choice when it comes to selecting a show about tooly douchebags, and we thank you for selecting ours.
The chefs try to work out what they can possibly do with such limited ingredients and equipment. Kevin has worked with ROTC, and thus knows what to expect more than the others. Jenc collects each of the mini-teams' ideas for the menu, selects what she thinks are the best and most workable, and sets people to work. Michael reiterates how awesome it is to cook for the troops. OK, I'm not going to disparage this challenge, because I agree, it's an extremely worthy one. But please, consider the patriotism theme understood now. The second I think that, they deploy the flag-waving-over-a-bald-eagle-perched-on-top-of-Mom's-apple-pie megabomb. Preeti, you see, decided to become a chef... Because of 9/11. The only way she could make sense of those thousands of deaths was to cook. We never hear what the correlation between those two concepts are. Did she always want to cook, and the possibility of imminent death caused her to follow her dream? Did she just want to distract herself by thinking about complex sauces rather than terrorist cells? Who knows? You know, there's patriotism, and then there's just beating your audience in the face with spacious skies and amber waves of grain. They're laying this on waaaaaaaaaaay too thick.
Thankfully, we're returned to the food for a while. Michael is working on a soy/mustard pork belly, which he'll serve in a taco shell of lettuce. Since he's got that covered, Mike decides to make a simple salad with some poached shrimp. By the way, if you hadn't heard, Bryan's sister is in the Air Force. YAY, AMERICA! He and Mattin are making New York strip with cauliflower gratin and a mushroom demi-glace. Kevin and Eli are making braised pork with some potato salad on the side. Since they're both from Atlanta, they're going the Southern barbecue route. Ron and Jesse agree that they're both skilled at clam chowder, so they go for that. Hector and Robin work on a three-bean chili with chicken. I hope none of those airmen are getting on a plane right after this meal. Ash and Ashley find some very thick, almost brioche-like bread, and decide to make a chocolate bread pudding with peanut butter. Hey, guess what? Ash's brother is a Marine, and his father was in the navy, so he wants to do right by this challenge, so the troops can have a "taste of America" before they go. YAAY, AMERICA! Laurine and Preeti are working on a farfalle pasta salad. Laurine says it'll be good to have a dish that's both familiar and vegetarian.
The lack of equipment causes a lot of teams to run up against each other in terms of their cooking requirements. People freak out a bit, but Jenc has an iron plan that will get everyone into their needed cooking vessels in time. She directs people from place to place like an air-traffic controller, and does an excellent job at it. She's just the right level of strict, telling people to wash out certain vats for someone else's use, and shutting down pockets of distracting chatter that would throw the timetable off. Unsurprisingly, the only person who can't seem to handle the situation is Jesse, who is a bit hysterical in telling Mattin that he has to come out of the giant cooking vat so she and Ron can get the chowder done. No worries. Thanks to Jenc's organizational skills, everyone gets done on time. I may as well go ahead and tell you now that she will get absolutely no credit for this later, and it pisses me off. That would have been a total clusterfuck without her.
The chefs and their food are shuttled over to the hangar where everything will be served, and Michael says that emotion started to kick in for everyone, due to the importance of the challenge. YAAAY, AMERICA! Jenc continues her reign of kicking ass by directing where all of the food will go, as well as where all of the backup ingredients can be set for quick refills. Ash, Ashley, and Jenc don't have a lot of plating work to do, so they're going to fill in as helpers as the others serve. Preeti worries, because everyone else's food is so much more impressive than the boring pasta salad that she and Laurine put together. She's not wrong. Viewing party guest Tawdry Hepburn has been railing against the pasta salad idea since they brought it up. It is awfully basic. Eli thinks that Ron and Jesse's New England clam chowder doesn't make much sense on a hot, summer day. Be glad Jesse was able to turn out some food without burning the whole base down, Eli. Michael demonstrates to Mike how he wants his pork belly served.
The judges arrive. What the hell is Padma wearing? If they're going to spend an hour talking about how gravely important this challenge is to our identities as Americans, you'd think she could put on something a little classier than a skin-tight leopard-print dress, with come-fuck-me stiletto heels. I know this is Vegas, but Jesus. Not everyone needs to work the corner. Once the judges are in the hangar, the servicemen and women arrive. Bryan reiterates (though at this point, he's actually re-re-reiterating) how awesome it is to cook for the troops. YAAAAY, AMERICA!
Commercials. We here at Bravo realize that you have a choice when it comes to selecting a show about people who think they're bigger deals within their profession than they really are, and we thank you for selecting ours.
The service personnel begin to make their way through the line. Some of them have brought their families along, so there are some children in the mix. Jesse wants to make sure the entire meal is solid, because she's honored to be cooking for the Air Force. YAAAAAY, AMERICA! The judges pick up their plates so we can see the finished products. Mike has made Greek salad with cucumbers, chickpeas, olives, and olive oil-poached shrimp. Laurine and Preeti's aforementioned boring pasta salad includes broccoli, peppers, sun-dried tomatoes, and artichoke hearts. Ron and Jesse's clam chowder also has roasted corn in it, as well as celery, onion, and potato. Robin presents her and Hector's three-bean chicken chili. Kevin and Eli's "Taste of the South" includes Georgia-style pork shoulder and homemade potato salad. Colonel Belote looks delighted with it already, and he hasn't even eaten any. Kevin talks about the members of his family that have served in the military, and how important the challenge is to him and to the rest of us. YAAAAAAY, AMERICA! Mike hands out Michael's braised pork belly in a soy/mustard sauce. Bryan and Mattin's New York strip loin is exactly how I described it before. Jenc keeps the line flowing quickly.
The diners dig in, and everyone seems to love everything. The judges like the New York strip loin very much, and while Padma appreciates the pasta salad for being vegetarian and refreshing, it's not a creative or inspired dish at all. Hector and Robin's chicken chili has very authentic flavors, while Ron and Jesse's chowder is thick, but tasty. The judges question the wisdom of making hot, cream-based soup on a summer day, but don't seem to mind that much. Kevin and Eli's two dishes get rave reviews. Gail calls Michael's pork belly "super-mega-delicious", while Mike's Greek salad has undercooked shrimp. Ash and Ashley's bread pudding is a little dense, but is very satisfying. Jenc did a good job in her supervisory role. That's the most we'll hear about her contribution. Once the diners are fed, the chefs clean up their stations. Eli is confident in how he and Kevin did. Colonel Belote thanks the chefs for all they did for the Air Force, and Robin is happy to have done the country proud. YAAAAAAAY, AMERICA! The servicemen and women give the chefs a cheer. Ron calls the challenge the best experience of his career, because cooking for American troops is something he's always wanted to do. YAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Interstitial. Some of the chefs talk about how nifty the Air Force base is. YAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Judges' Table. During their fret 'n sweat back in the Kitchen, the chefs talk about how much the challenge meant to them today. YAAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA! Padma enters, and summons Kevin, Michael, Eli, and Mike to the table.
LabRat: "AKA 'Talent', 'Talent', 'Talent', and 'Douchebag'."
Padma informs the four of them that although the chefs worked as one team, there can only be one winner. Kevin gets credit for the pork shoulder, which Mark loved. Michael's inventiveness gets really high marks. It soon becomes apparent to the judges that Michael had everything to do with the pork belly, while Mike was in charge of the Greek salad. Weirdly, Eli's potato salad isn't even brought up, despite the fact that it was one of the most popular dishes amongst the judges. Padma asks Mark to announce the challenge winner, and it is... Michael. That racks up one Elimination Challenge win for each of the brothers. Padma asks the guys to send out Preeti and Laurine, and informs Mike that he'll be coming back for losers' table as well. The look on his face, as if someone has just punched him in the stomach, is the highlight of the evening. He's confused and pissed off.
Back in the Kitchen, Michael's win is applauded. Mike tells the others that he'll be going out again, and puts on one of the most unconvincing displays of "Whatever, I don't care" that I've ever seen. Jesse just looks thrilled that she's not the one being raked across the coals for once. Once back at the table, Mike tells the judges that he's mad because he just made the Greek salad because he had time and the overall menu was missing a salad. He doesn't consider that the salad has to be, you know, good, and seems shocked that they expected that. Mark goes on to say that the shrimp was undercooked, and the entire salad was underseasoned. Sound familiar? Once the judges are able to actually get across their point that they have to judge on what he presented them, no matter how unnecessary it was, Mike tries to cover by saying he's angry at himself, rather than them. He swears it won't happen again.
Now, we get to the part of the episode that really lays bare my initial argument: One part cooking competition; nine parts television show. Ptom asks Preeti and Laurine whose idea the pasta salad was. For no earthly reason I can think of, he refuses to accept that it was thrown into a team brainstorming session, and so it must be pinned to one of the two of them. To be fair, the pasta salad was uninventive. I've said before that any dish featured on this show that I could whip up without a sweat won't and shouldn't win any points. My problem here is that the judges aren't focusing on poor flavors or lack of creativity. They're focusing on the fact that Laurine and Preeti won't backstab each other. Laurine shoots herself in the foot even more when she says that she was focused on serving the servicemen and women, and completely forgot that she was taking part in a competition. Oof. The judges are predictably pissy with this answer, and continue to attempt to drive a wedge between Preeti and Laurine. They continue to fail. Padma sneers that maybe they'll just eliminate both of them. Sorry they didn't meet the high culinary standards of a woman who practically licks barbecue sauce off of her own caslapas in fast-food commercials, Your Highness.
The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Laurine nails it when she tells the others that all the judges wanted was for them to incriminate each other, but she refuses to do that. She gets a ton of points for that, not only for the sentiment, but for the fact that she was able to express it without resorting to the trite phrase "thrown under the bus". Deliberations. I'm going to skip them, because frankly, they don't mean a damn thing. The food isn't under discussion. What's really being debated is who's too boring to be on television. Laurine and Preeti are normal people who aren't interested in throwing tantrums, while Mike is a love-to-hate-him cockbite. Sure, he committed the exact same culinary sin as Eve, but we can't get rid of him, because then who will we laugh at and deride for the rest of the season?
Elimination. It's Preeti. I actually expected Laurine, but it doesn't really matter. Let's get to her final interview first. She says that she's learned a lot of things, and that to her, what really matters is pleasing the customer, not figuring out some crazy, cool thing she wants to try out on people. She doesn't have any regrets, because the experience just reaffirmed her commitment to what she does. What a healthy attitude. That's why she was doomed, and why it didn't matter whether it was her or Laurine that got eliminated this week, because neither of them was going to win the season. Nor will Jesse. Nor will Ron. Nor will Robin. Hector, Ash, and Mattin have an outside chance, but it's not likely. How can I possibly make such an assertion, when I have such a limited scope of these people's cooking abilities? Because no matter their skills, they're not Reality Show Winner archetypes. Sing it if you know it: One part cooking competition; nine parts television show. YAAAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Overall Grade: C-
Previously on Top Chef: A bachelor/bachelorette party challenge offended Jenc and Ashley. The hot sun demolished a lot of the food. RoboBrian climbed the ladder to an Elimination Challenge win, while Eve discovered that if you're going to be on a show called Top Chef, it may be wise to cook something edible. Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. In addition to the familiar cast (wine, cheese, crackers, and summer sausage), LabRat cooked up some spicy Andouille sausage that he then declared unfit to share with the viewing party. Between you and me, I think he kept it home so we could hog it. Luckily, we didn't show up empty-handed. The Great Depression Cookies delighted all, as food shaped like letters of the alphabet is wont to do.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Jenc is pissy, because the women's loss last week prevented her from being among the top chefs for the first time. Laurine says she's nervous, because she went to culinary school a long time ago, and made the decision to focus on a solid career, rather than being a "rock-star chef". At this point, I write down Laurine's name as being at the losers' table at the end of this episode, because that is some of the most naked foreshadowing I've ever seen. One of the themes for this evening, as you'll quickly discover, is that Top Chef is still one part cooking competition; nine parts television show. I'm confident the other theme will soon become apparent. Jesse worries, because she's been scraping the bottom of every single challenge so far, save the first one.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Mark Peel, who was a contestant on Top Chef Masters, a fairly entertaining spinoff of this show that was fun to watch, and dull as dishwater to write about. It was disconcerting enough to just have Kevin, who closely resembles one of my friends. Now we've also got Mark Peel, who closely resembles another one of my friends. Two or three more, and we'll have a Twilight Zone episode in the works. There's one other thing worth noting in the Kitchen, which is mountain upon mountain of potatoes sitting on the counter. Padma explains that the Quickfire will be to create an "out of this world" dish featuring any of the many kinds of potatoes available. The normal time limit has been extended to forty-five minutes, I guess because potatoes take a while to cook. Jesse is excited, because she likes potatoes. Really? Wow! I never thought I'd see another person on Earth who enjoys potatoes! We're soulmates!
Padma starts the clock. Jenc grabs the mussels and focuses her razor-sharp concentration on getting her potato base seasoning right. Ron aims for snapper crusted with sweet potato, calling himself the Bob Marley of the kitchen. Ash hopes to impress with a sweet potato ice cream. Jesse works on a soup, because she loves it and finds it comforting. No fucking way! Me too! She likes potatoes. She likes soup. Don't even tell me she enjoys chocolate or bacon from time to time or I'm going to think we've been separated at birth. Mike works on a potato risotto, and lacking an opportunity to condescend to the inferior women in the Kitchen, condescends to us, instead. The audience laments that WonkaVision hasn't been perfected yet, and we can't transmit bricks through the screen and into his face. Ashley is attempting to make potato gnocchi, which is tough to pull off in forty-five minutes.
Preeti mixes asparagus and peppers with her potato, saying that after being on the bottom last week, she's really got to step it up. Don't bother, Preeti. After the look Ptom gave your clam-shucking attempts in the first episode, and the pissy lecture about swapping the shiso leaves in the second one, you may as well throw some raw potato on the plate and call it a day. Call it the Suyai Rule; once Ptom doesn't like your personality or the way you comport yourself, you could make a scale model reproduction of Big Ben out of potato and still get trashed for it.
Meanwhile... Minor drama! Kevin has told Preeti she could use his pot of boiling water, but it's gone by the time she goes over to use it. Not knowing this, she puts her food in Ashley's boiling water, which Ashley desperately needs. Given the type of people they tend to cast on Top Chef, it's resolved very rationally, all things considered. Preeti apologizes profusely, and while Ashley is panicked and very curt about it, she lets it go once she's got her food back on track. Jenc laughingly interviews that she, herself wouldn't have been nearly as nice if someone had screwed up her water. Ash realizes that his ice cream isn't getting cold fast enough. Jesse realizes that she's put too much cayenne pepper in her soup. Time runs out.
Padma and Mark go down the line. With no ice cream to present, Ash tells them that he's made a chilled, sweet potato custard with toasted pecans on top. Hehe. Nice. Mark says it has a nice texture, as Ash holds back a laugh. Bryan has made a vichyssoise with sunchoke and Yukon gold potatoes, and has included some applewood-smoked caviar as well. Sounds good. Mark tells him he's neatly avoided the gluey mess that it could have been. Preeti has aimed for "out of this world" through use of color. She's made saffron-poached banana fingerling potatoes and paired it with asparagus and tomato. It's a very pretty plate, I'll give it that. Michael has a confit of tuna with olive oil and confit of potato in chicken stock. It sounds good, but takes up only a lonely little corner of the plate, making it look kind of sad. Mark finds the potato underdone, but the rest is good.
Jenc presents her steamed mussels with Yukon gold and blue potatoes in a lemongrass potato sauce (with duck fat, chicken stock, ginger, and garlic). Yum. Robin has gone the breakfast route with purple and fingerling potatoes, white yams with pancetta, a bit of frisee and a fried egg on top. Hector is nearly unintelligible, but has made a trio of Latin-inspired potatoes, including sweet potato in fish sauce with lime, purple potatoes with ham, and fingerling potatoes with yeast, yellow chile, cream, and a slow-cooked egg. Really? Just plain yeast tossed in? Odd. Laurine has made a vegetarian potato "burger" with tomato, Swiss chard, and a mushroom bun with fingerling chips on the side. Mattin has made a beautiful plate of poached cod with little pools of puree. There are blue potato, Yukon gold, and sweet potato purees, lending a very "artist's palette" look to it. Kevin has made bacon-braised yam with potato sauce, served with asparagus, mushroom, and cauliflower on emulsified duck fat. Mike presents his potato risotto with king crab and mascarpone. Mark finds it salty, but Padma tries to soften the blow by giving him credit for a good idea. Ashley has pulled off her potato gnocchi with Hen of the Woods mushrooms and a homemade ricotta. Very impressive.
Eli has done a play on sweet potatoes with mushrooms, making a yam puree with pistachios, whipped bliss potato, and a bourbon maple syrup. Padma gets a pistachio shell in the mouth. Eli tempts Fate by saying that while he suspects that he doesn't have the winning dish, he won't be on the bottom. Ron has made some sweet potato-crusted yellowtail with a fennel and leek stew on the side. Mark tells him that his favorite part is the stew, and Ron grins, not picking up on the signal that the potato part of the dish should have taken center stage. Jesse is already beet red with embarrassment when the judges approach. She has made sweet potato soup with ginger, brown sugar, and cayenne pepper. I'd be curious to try a version of that with the correct amount of seasoning. I can't put brown sugar and cayenne together in my head. Jesse beats herself in the head. That's not figurative.
Results. Mark has been where the chefs are standing, and realizes that the time limit is the biggest challenge to overcome. That said, the bottom three are Eli, for tempting Fate (really it's for the sweetness of his food, but again - one part cooking; nine parts television), Ron's bland yam on top of overcooked fish, and naturally, Jesse's overly spicy soup.
Tiffany: "The Bland Yams will be the name of my next band."
Speaking of naturally, Jenc gets high marks for her mussels. Ash's custard is in the top as well, and the look on his face is utterly priceless. He goofed his dish up, pulled the idea to present it as if he meant it that way directly out of his ass, and beat out at least twelve other chefs. He tries to keep from cracking up. Rounding out the top three is Ashley, whose mushrooms were cooked perfectly and enhanced her potato gnocchi. The winner of the Quickfire will get immunity, but no shiny cash prize this time, I'm afraid. That winner is... Jenc. Mike calls this win "favoritism", because she's won all of two Quickfires, judged by different people. He'd be amusing if he weren't so fucking obnoxious.
Commercials. We here at Bravo realize that you have a choice when it comes to selecting a show about classless whores, and we thank you for selecting ours.
Elimination Challenge. Padma brings in a special guest. It's Colonel Dave Belote, of the local Air Force base. He tells the chefs that their challenge will be to cook a meal for 300 service personnel. Some of them are returning from duty, and some of them are on their way out, so this could be the last good meal they have for a while. He warns them that these soldiers have tasted food all over the world (read: "Don't assume they're rubes who will be happy with a bunch of greasy burgers,") and that they have nutritional requirements. Michael and Bryan are excited, because their little sister is in the Air Force. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be working in a single team, and will have four hours to cook. However, they won't know what ingredients or cooking equipment they'll be working with until the next day. This does not fill the room with glee.
Ashley: "I feel fortunate to be able to have the opportunity to cook for these people."
LabRat (as Ashley): "But I won't, because they don't allow gays in the military."
Back at the Resort (my name for their snazzy house), the chefs have a meeting to discuss how to handle the challenge. Mike may be a raging asshole, but he does have a very smart idea as to how to divide the work. Jenc will be in charge of the kitchen, making sure all the dishes are coordinated, while the remaining fourteen chefs split into teams of two, each of which will concentrate on their own dish. That way, if everything goes to hell, Jenc is protected by immunity. Jenc has no problem with that, only hoping that everyone is able to work well together. Teams are picked. Preeti aligns herself with Laurine because of their geographical connection. Geography also brings Eli and Kevin together, as well as a "fat kid" bond. Land mass isn't the only team-forming bond, though. There's also the matter of similar names. Ash and Ashley team up, as do Mike and Michael. Bryan/Mattin and Hector/Robin wind up together, probably because all four of them are desperate to avoid working with Jesse the anchor. Ron is too mild-mannered to speak up about his teammate preferences, so he gets put with her. He's not entirely happy about this.
The next morning, the chefs head for the Air Force base. Robin joins the chorus of voices clamoring to pledge support for this challenge and who they're cooking for. When the chefs arrive, they discover a mass of canned food. There are also no stoves or individual pots. It's mostly big ovens and enormous vats. The chefs despair.
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The chefs try to work out what they can possibly do with such limited ingredients and equipment. Kevin has worked with ROTC, and thus knows what to expect more than the others. Jenc collects each of the mini-teams' ideas for the menu, selects what she thinks are the best and most workable, and sets people to work. Michael reiterates how awesome it is to cook for the troops. OK, I'm not going to disparage this challenge, because I agree, it's an extremely worthy one. But please, consider the patriotism theme understood now. The second I think that, they deploy the flag-waving-over-a-bald-eagle-perched-on-top-of-Mom's-apple-pie megabomb. Preeti, you see, decided to become a chef... Because of 9/11. The only way she could make sense of those thousands of deaths was to cook. We never hear what the correlation between those two concepts are. Did she always want to cook, and the possibility of imminent death caused her to follow her dream? Did she just want to distract herself by thinking about complex sauces rather than terrorist cells? Who knows? You know, there's patriotism, and then there's just beating your audience in the face with spacious skies and amber waves of grain. They're laying this on waaaaaaaaaaay too thick.
Thankfully, we're returned to the food for a while. Michael is working on a soy/mustard pork belly, which he'll serve in a taco shell of lettuce. Since he's got that covered, Mike decides to make a simple salad with some poached shrimp. By the way, if you hadn't heard, Bryan's sister is in the Air Force. YAY, AMERICA! He and Mattin are making New York strip with cauliflower gratin and a mushroom demi-glace. Kevin and Eli are making braised pork with some potato salad on the side. Since they're both from Atlanta, they're going the Southern barbecue route. Ron and Jesse agree that they're both skilled at clam chowder, so they go for that. Hector and Robin work on a three-bean chili with chicken. I hope none of those airmen are getting on a plane right after this meal. Ash and Ashley find some very thick, almost brioche-like bread, and decide to make a chocolate bread pudding with peanut butter. Hey, guess what? Ash's brother is a Marine, and his father was in the navy, so he wants to do right by this challenge, so the troops can have a "taste of America" before they go. YAAY, AMERICA! Laurine and Preeti are working on a farfalle pasta salad. Laurine says it'll be good to have a dish that's both familiar and vegetarian.
The lack of equipment causes a lot of teams to run up against each other in terms of their cooking requirements. People freak out a bit, but Jenc has an iron plan that will get everyone into their needed cooking vessels in time. She directs people from place to place like an air-traffic controller, and does an excellent job at it. She's just the right level of strict, telling people to wash out certain vats for someone else's use, and shutting down pockets of distracting chatter that would throw the timetable off. Unsurprisingly, the only person who can't seem to handle the situation is Jesse, who is a bit hysterical in telling Mattin that he has to come out of the giant cooking vat so she and Ron can get the chowder done. No worries. Thanks to Jenc's organizational skills, everyone gets done on time. I may as well go ahead and tell you now that she will get absolutely no credit for this later, and it pisses me off. That would have been a total clusterfuck without her.
The chefs and their food are shuttled over to the hangar where everything will be served, and Michael says that emotion started to kick in for everyone, due to the importance of the challenge. YAAAY, AMERICA! Jenc continues her reign of kicking ass by directing where all of the food will go, as well as where all of the backup ingredients can be set for quick refills. Ash, Ashley, and Jenc don't have a lot of plating work to do, so they're going to fill in as helpers as the others serve. Preeti worries, because everyone else's food is so much more impressive than the boring pasta salad that she and Laurine put together. She's not wrong. Viewing party guest Tawdry Hepburn has been railing against the pasta salad idea since they brought it up. It is awfully basic. Eli thinks that Ron and Jesse's New England clam chowder doesn't make much sense on a hot, summer day. Be glad Jesse was able to turn out some food without burning the whole base down, Eli. Michael demonstrates to Mike how he wants his pork belly served.
The judges arrive. What the hell is Padma wearing? If they're going to spend an hour talking about how gravely important this challenge is to our identities as Americans, you'd think she could put on something a little classier than a skin-tight leopard-print dress, with come-fuck-me stiletto heels. I know this is Vegas, but Jesus. Not everyone needs to work the corner. Once the judges are in the hangar, the servicemen and women arrive. Bryan reiterates (though at this point, he's actually re-re-reiterating) how awesome it is to cook for the troops. YAAAAY, AMERICA!
Commercials. We here at Bravo realize that you have a choice when it comes to selecting a show about people who think they're bigger deals within their profession than they really are, and we thank you for selecting ours.
The service personnel begin to make their way through the line. Some of them have brought their families along, so there are some children in the mix. Jesse wants to make sure the entire meal is solid, because she's honored to be cooking for the Air Force. YAAAAAY, AMERICA! The judges pick up their plates so we can see the finished products. Mike has made Greek salad with cucumbers, chickpeas, olives, and olive oil-poached shrimp. Laurine and Preeti's aforementioned boring pasta salad includes broccoli, peppers, sun-dried tomatoes, and artichoke hearts. Ron and Jesse's clam chowder also has roasted corn in it, as well as celery, onion, and potato. Robin presents her and Hector's three-bean chicken chili. Kevin and Eli's "Taste of the South" includes Georgia-style pork shoulder and homemade potato salad. Colonel Belote looks delighted with it already, and he hasn't even eaten any. Kevin talks about the members of his family that have served in the military, and how important the challenge is to him and to the rest of us. YAAAAAAY, AMERICA! Mike hands out Michael's braised pork belly in a soy/mustard sauce. Bryan and Mattin's New York strip loin is exactly how I described it before. Jenc keeps the line flowing quickly.
The diners dig in, and everyone seems to love everything. The judges like the New York strip loin very much, and while Padma appreciates the pasta salad for being vegetarian and refreshing, it's not a creative or inspired dish at all. Hector and Robin's chicken chili has very authentic flavors, while Ron and Jesse's chowder is thick, but tasty. The judges question the wisdom of making hot, cream-based soup on a summer day, but don't seem to mind that much. Kevin and Eli's two dishes get rave reviews. Gail calls Michael's pork belly "super-mega-delicious", while Mike's Greek salad has undercooked shrimp. Ash and Ashley's bread pudding is a little dense, but is very satisfying. Jenc did a good job in her supervisory role. That's the most we'll hear about her contribution. Once the diners are fed, the chefs clean up their stations. Eli is confident in how he and Kevin did. Colonel Belote thanks the chefs for all they did for the Air Force, and Robin is happy to have done the country proud. YAAAAAAAY, AMERICA! The servicemen and women give the chefs a cheer. Ron calls the challenge the best experience of his career, because cooking for American troops is something he's always wanted to do. YAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Interstitial. Some of the chefs talk about how nifty the Air Force base is. YAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Judges' Table. During their fret 'n sweat back in the Kitchen, the chefs talk about how much the challenge meant to them today. YAAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA! Padma enters, and summons Kevin, Michael, Eli, and Mike to the table.
LabRat: "AKA 'Talent', 'Talent', 'Talent', and 'Douchebag'."
Padma informs the four of them that although the chefs worked as one team, there can only be one winner. Kevin gets credit for the pork shoulder, which Mark loved. Michael's inventiveness gets really high marks. It soon becomes apparent to the judges that Michael had everything to do with the pork belly, while Mike was in charge of the Greek salad. Weirdly, Eli's potato salad isn't even brought up, despite the fact that it was one of the most popular dishes amongst the judges. Padma asks Mark to announce the challenge winner, and it is... Michael. That racks up one Elimination Challenge win for each of the brothers. Padma asks the guys to send out Preeti and Laurine, and informs Mike that he'll be coming back for losers' table as well. The look on his face, as if someone has just punched him in the stomach, is the highlight of the evening. He's confused and pissed off.
Back in the Kitchen, Michael's win is applauded. Mike tells the others that he'll be going out again, and puts on one of the most unconvincing displays of "Whatever, I don't care" that I've ever seen. Jesse just looks thrilled that she's not the one being raked across the coals for once. Once back at the table, Mike tells the judges that he's mad because he just made the Greek salad because he had time and the overall menu was missing a salad. He doesn't consider that the salad has to be, you know, good, and seems shocked that they expected that. Mark goes on to say that the shrimp was undercooked, and the entire salad was underseasoned. Sound familiar? Once the judges are able to actually get across their point that they have to judge on what he presented them, no matter how unnecessary it was, Mike tries to cover by saying he's angry at himself, rather than them. He swears it won't happen again.
Now, we get to the part of the episode that really lays bare my initial argument: One part cooking competition; nine parts television show. Ptom asks Preeti and Laurine whose idea the pasta salad was. For no earthly reason I can think of, he refuses to accept that it was thrown into a team brainstorming session, and so it must be pinned to one of the two of them. To be fair, the pasta salad was uninventive. I've said before that any dish featured on this show that I could whip up without a sweat won't and shouldn't win any points. My problem here is that the judges aren't focusing on poor flavors or lack of creativity. They're focusing on the fact that Laurine and Preeti won't backstab each other. Laurine shoots herself in the foot even more when she says that she was focused on serving the servicemen and women, and completely forgot that she was taking part in a competition. Oof. The judges are predictably pissy with this answer, and continue to attempt to drive a wedge between Preeti and Laurine. They continue to fail. Padma sneers that maybe they'll just eliminate both of them. Sorry they didn't meet the high culinary standards of a woman who practically licks barbecue sauce off of her own caslapas in fast-food commercials, Your Highness.
The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Laurine nails it when she tells the others that all the judges wanted was for them to incriminate each other, but she refuses to do that. She gets a ton of points for that, not only for the sentiment, but for the fact that she was able to express it without resorting to the trite phrase "thrown under the bus". Deliberations. I'm going to skip them, because frankly, they don't mean a damn thing. The food isn't under discussion. What's really being debated is who's too boring to be on television. Laurine and Preeti are normal people who aren't interested in throwing tantrums, while Mike is a love-to-hate-him cockbite. Sure, he committed the exact same culinary sin as Eve, but we can't get rid of him, because then who will we laugh at and deride for the rest of the season?
Elimination. It's Preeti. I actually expected Laurine, but it doesn't really matter. Let's get to her final interview first. She says that she's learned a lot of things, and that to her, what really matters is pleasing the customer, not figuring out some crazy, cool thing she wants to try out on people. She doesn't have any regrets, because the experience just reaffirmed her commitment to what she does. What a healthy attitude. That's why she was doomed, and why it didn't matter whether it was her or Laurine that got eliminated this week, because neither of them was going to win the season. Nor will Jesse. Nor will Ron. Nor will Robin. Hector, Ash, and Mattin have an outside chance, but it's not likely. How can I possibly make such an assertion, when I have such a limited scope of these people's cooking abilities? Because no matter their skills, they're not Reality Show Winner archetypes. Sing it if you know it: One part cooking competition; nine parts television show. YAAAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!
Overall Grade: C-
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Proposition Ate
Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 2
Previously on Top Chef: The cast of Miami Ink showed up to compete in a reality cooking show. Padma told the seventeen new competitors that Lady Luck would be keeping a close eye on this season, so if ever there's a time not to tempt Fate, it's now. Jenc established herself as a force to be reckoned with in the Quickfire, while her namesake Jenz threw some chile relleno grenades into the group of judges. Kevin scored the first Elimination Challenge win, while Jenz' grenades blew up in her face, sending her back home. Sixteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. I like to cook something for the Top Chef viewing party, if I have time. Last week, I made candied pecans from a recipe that LabRat's mother gave me. This week, I brought dried blueberries to snack on. Let me tell you, it's tough to make those. First, I had to leave them out in the sun, and... OK, fine. I bought them at Trader Joe's. Then Tim had to go and show up my meager store-bought contribution with piping hot spinach artichoke dip. Bastard.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Everyone fusses with their hair. Jesse was happy to be in the top of the Quickfire standings last week, but wants to correct the mistakes that sunk her to the bottom of the Elimination Challenge. Eve wonders whether to cook for the judges or to just cook her own style of food. I don't think any of the previous winners ever abandoned their own styles; they just found a way to marry that style with the week's particular challenges. Oh, and they didn't suck. Michael and Bryan are still blown away that they're both there, competing against each other. Consider the theme understood, show. Brothers. Competitors. We've got it.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs stream into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma, Todd English (who will be this week's guest judge), and a craps table. Jenc gets all moist at the sight of Todd, both for physical and professional reasons. Padma explains that in this Quickfire, the chefs will roll a pair of oversized dice down the craps table. Whatever number they roll will be the number of ingredients they'll be allowed to work with. That makes it sound like they can use fewer than their rolled number if they'd like, but that won't turn out to be the case. Work on your speeches, Padma. It's not like you have much else to do. Salt, pepper, and oil are freebies, but every other ingredient must be counted. Fair enough. As with last week, the challenge's winner will get a $15,000 cash prize. Let's get to it!
Kevin doesn't like to work with tons of flavors. Lady Luck bites her thumb at him, and he rolls a ten. Mattin rolls a four. Michael rolls an eight. Hector is happy with his five. Ron pulls an eight. Jesse gets nine. Eve gets eight. Bryan is up there with Kevin with a ten. Jenc gets a nine. Laurine tosses the lowest roll, with a three. That's all the rolls we see. Isn't it odd that seven -- the most statistically likely number -- didn't get thrown once? Too bad they're not really playing craps right now; they'd be making out like bandits.
The thirty-minute countdown begins. Chefs scatter to their stations. Eve wants to make a salad that includes grilled asparagus and blue cheese. A salad is a smart idea if you want to get eight ingredients on the plate. Michael pours about a gallon of oil into a blender. He's working on gazpacho with a twist, using the liquid nitrogen to rapidly chill it. Bryan wants to hold to a more classic style, which he tells us in a deadpan voice he will not be deviating from. I have to say, Bryan is unquestionably the most attractive chef in contention this year (to me, anyway), but that robotic voice can be a tad off-putting. He works on preparing sous-vide cod. In order to keep things simple, Kevin wants to make as few components as possible with his ten ingredients. Smart idea. I like the way he thinks. Jenc is making smoked salmon with a mild jalapeno emulsion. She also uses about a gallon of oil. Jesse tells us in hindsight that she should have used a stainless steel pan to sear her scallops. She didn't, though, so they're colorless and dull. She thinks about using butter to brown them up, but that would put her over the ingredient limit. Too bad she's not competing in Season 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us! Time winds down, and everyone plates their food.
Padma and Todd start their way down the line. With her scant ingredients, Laurine has made an asparagus and leek soup with lemon. Jenc presents her smoked salmon and jalapeno emulsion. It's also got lemon, garlic, shallot, and parsley thrown in. I'm not really enjoying the combination of smoked salmon and jalapeno in my mind, but would have to give it a try before passing any judgement. Mattin has made a carrot soup with ginger, and has cleverly made a little "4" out of carrots to rest on top. Eve's grilled asparagus salad includes raisins, pine nuts, and blue cheese. Michael's nitrogen gazpacho also has compressed cucumbers (whatever that means) and some toast. Kevin has prepared asparagus and celery salad with fennel cream and a boiled egg. Isn't it weird how multiple chefs always seem to work with the same ingredient, seemingly by accident? Last week, it was halibut. Tonight, it's asparagus. Ashley has made grilled lamb with apricot mostarda. The lamb is rare to the point of being almost raw. Bryan has poached black cod, and serves it with carrot, ginger puree, and some daikon radish sprout. Jesse's colorless scallops are served with chimichurri and toasted garlic. There are also some smashed garbanzo beans, which are nice, but seem unnecessary. Maybe she could have replaced them with the much-needed butter.
That's all the dishes we see, and Padma asks Todd for the bad news first. Jesse's scallops needed a better sear, and the rest of her plate was all mushy textures. Eve's blue cheese was overpowering and her presentation sucked. Bryan's flavors were fairly good, but his yuzu was overpowering. He's welcome to bring his overpowering yuzu over here. Hotcha! Now, for the good news. Michael used a clever technique with the gazpacho. Jenc's flavors were bold, yet delicate. Kevin cooked the egg perfectly (I actually prefer a runnier yolk with boiled eggs, but I get what he was going for), and successfully married a lot of flavors. I know it's not really feasible to establish patterns by the second episode, but you'd be forgiven for looking at Kevin, Jenc, Eve, and Jesse with increased attention now. The winner of the Quickfire, the attendant immunity, and the tremendous cash prize is... Michael. Great. I so look forward to the thousand and one interviews about sibling rivalry this will spawn.
Commercials. Head online to learn how to make the winning Quickfire recipe. Sure, let me just pull out my tank of liquid nitrogen. I keep it in the cabinet next to the fridge.
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be experiencing another Vegas tradition. Bloated entertainers past their heyday? Nope. It's the bachelor and bachelorette party. Kevin looks back fondly at his own debauched fiesta. Ashley is decidedly less thrilled about it. As a lesbian, she's not happy to be participating in an event that she's not able to enjoy herself. More on this later. Padma continues that the chefs will be split into two teams: Men versus women. The men will cater the bride's party, while the women will handle the groom. Or his food, anyway. Now it's Jenc's turn to be offended, because she doesn't believe men and women cook differently, so a "battle of the sexes" is ridiculous. It's a fair point, although nobody said that the challenge winner will lend any evidence to which sex cooks better. It's just a handy way to split the chefs into two teams. I don't disagree with Jenc, but it's a little premature to be pissed off about it.
The bride and groom enter. They pass around their three favorite shots, which they want all the food to be paired with. Lame. Padma gives the teams ten minutes to meet with their "clients" and plan the meal. Eli lets us in on another challenge parameter, which is that each shot must have at least two dishes associated with it. The bride outlines a couple of guests' dietary restrictions, and says she loves spicy food. The groom likes lean meats, shellfish, and has a big sweet tooth. Robin, unlike Jenc, is excited for an all-female team, and GIRL POWER, and blah blah blah. Shopping. The teams have half an hour and an $800 budget. The men pick out some flowers, and assign Ash to take care of them.
Ash: "It's true. Gay guys grow flowers better than straight guys."
LabRat: "No, gay guys DE-flower better than straight guys."
Back at the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their two hours of prep time. Jesse worries that if the women lose, she's the obvious choice to go home. Normally, I'd agree, but there is one person who's done worse. I'll give you a hint. She lived in the Garden of Eden, and also couldn't cook worth a damn. Tiresome sibling rivalry interview. Cooking montage. Jenc (I assume) lowers some octopus into a pan. Eve works on a shrimp ceviche. Ashley skins a watermelon to make a carpaccio. She thinks winning the challenge will give the women a much-needed confidence boost. It's the second episode. They couldn't possibly be that beaten down, could they? Oh, wait.
Hector works on a vegetarian dish. He's making tofu ceviche, which sounds a little strange and not very appetizing. Of course, that's what I first thought about the tofu with black bean sauce at Blue Koi in Kansas City, and now it's my second-favorite thing there. Tiresome sibling rivalry interview. Bryan is making a sweet-and-sour macaroon, which involves guacamole. I don't know whether to be intrigued or disgusted by that. A minor spat surfaces on the women's team. Ashley thinks they have time to make an additional dish, but Jenc would prefer keeping things simple and making sure they execute all of the existing dishes perfectly. Ashley remembers that the groom wanted something sweet, so she's going to forge ahead and make a bay leaf panna cotta, though she's emphatically "not a pastry chef". DRINK! Everyone packs up their food, and gets ready to go. The guys struggle to get done in time, but pull it together in the last few moments.
Back at the house, Ashley has time to fume some more about the challenge. Let's get her good point across first. There are at least three gay chefs participating, none of whom are legally allowed to marry their partners, and they're essentially being forced to celebrate that situation. I totally get that, and agree up to a point. I mean, hey... LabRat and I aren't allowed to walk down the aisle, either. Preeti speaks for me a bit when she says she gets where Ashley is coming from, but modern society hasn't kept her apart from her longtime partner, and this just happens to be the world we're living in right now. Exactly. By all means, let's work to effect some change, but in the meantime, you can't get righteously offended at every instance of participation in heterosexual marriage. That would just be downright exhausting. Besides, this is a televised bachelor/bachelorette party, and there isn't even going to be a stripper! It's almost as far from traditional marriage as a gay couple.
Commercials. I love Bradley Cooper, but that movie looks wretched.
The chefs arrive at a resort swimming pool, and each team sets up their food on one side. They have an hour to set everything up. The intense sun beats down on them, and more importantly, their food. Preeti rests her food on some shiso leaves for a bit of garnish. Eve shops her shrimp around, and the consensus is she needs more salt. She frets that her vinaigrette is "naaaaaaaaht" getting into the shrimp at all. Then she almost accidentally stabs Jenc in the face. Over on the men's side, Mike is typically overconfident (as much as anyone can be "typically" anything by the second episode). Laurine feels the men's food is too "contrived" and that the women will be serving heartier fare. Yeah, but she's serving a bunch of "Woo, bachelor party in VEGAS! WITH SHOTS!" dudes, who will no doubt enjoy a bunch of meaty appetizers. The ladies will probably enjoy the more frou-frou stuff the guys are putting together. Lucky me, I'd like both.
The guests arrive. Wow, nothing would be more fun at my bachelor party than being watched by my soon-to-be wife the whole time. The men and women split to their respective sides of the pool. Ashley has gotten some sleep, and has wisely decided to take a step back, and just do the best she can for the happy couple. If it makes her feel any better, I don't have much hope for a couple that bases their relationship on a mutual love of tequila. The guests begin eating, and the judges enter soon after. We begin going down the line of food, and I'm just going to ignore the pointless shot pairings.
Robin has made a duck mole with cocoa nibs and some apricot. It looks good, as does Laurine's Moroccan lamb chop with a pomegranate pine nut relish. Eve's shrimp and avocado ceviche is served with a smoky tomato and chili salsa and some popcorn. Speaking of ceviche (or as she's still calling it, se-VEECH), Jenc has made one of octopus in a light citrus vinaigrette with some herbs on top. I bet I'd like that. The judges eat through this first grouping. Eve's shrimp is described as "nasty". She didn't cook them properly, and the seasoning is all off, much like last week. Jenc's could use a bit more salt, but is good, overall. Robin's mole is very nice, while Laurine's lamb chop gets approving nods.
Next! Ashley has made watermelon carpaccio with some ricotta salata and aged balsamic. It looks very refreshing. She also presents her bay leaf and vanilla panna cotta with cranberry powder and some honey. Preeti lays out her coriander and sesame-crusted tuna with spicy eggplant, and a wonton crisp on top of the shiso leaf. That looks awesome. Jesse has made a lettuce cup with Thai chicken thigh, shiitake mushrooms, shiso, and ginger beer. The judges eat. Jesse's dish is too muddled with competing flavors, and her food doesn't match the shot at all. Preeti's looks wilted, and Todd finds it overcured. Ashley's watermelon was great, but her panna cotta sucked. DRINK!
Next! Michael has thrown together an apple sorbet with a goat cheese cookie. That's no small feat in and of itself with such hot weather. Kevin has made a chilled almond soup with king crab, cucumber, and white grape. Yum. The judges love his soup, though Ptom wishes it were a bit colder. Even as that gets high marks, Michael's goat cheese cookie gets even higher ones.
Next! Mike has served Arctic char with a smoky caper sauce, and some Cara Cara orange. Bryan's sweet-and-sour macaroon is filled with guacamole, corn nuts, and corn puree. I still don't know about that. Coconut is never mentioned, so is that in there, like a traditional macaroon? I pride myself on eating some strange things, but this one has me confused. Ron has made lobster cocktail with a habanero tomato sauce. Hector's tofu is in a lemon-lime, tequila ceviche, and is served alongside a guajillo-achiote tortilla. Look it up. The judges love what Hector did with the tofu, while Ron's lobster has no flavor. Mike's Arctic char is flabby, flat, and doesn't work with the shot. Bryan's guacamole mightily impresses everyone.
Next! Eli has Thai tuna tartare, served with puffed wild rice, and ruined by the addition of coconut milk. Mattin has a bouillabaisse with an aioli crouton, and a Basque croquette that seems to just be a ball of fried cheese. Ash has made an Asian chicken wing with pickled pearl onions on top. The judges like the ginger in Eli's tuna. Mattin's croquette was good, but the rest of the dish is imbalanced. Ash's chicken makes Todd very happy.
After service, some of the guys rip their chef coats off and jump into the pool. Laurine cracks me up when she dryly wonders who people would rather see jump into a pool: Girls or fat boys. Ash does not participate, finding it juvenile. Juvenile, maybe. Unprofessional, certainly. Well, I don't see any guests in the shots of the pool-jumping. Maybe they've all left, in which case it's fine. The women toast each other. The men share a cheer.
Commercials. I don't think people with pinstriped Oxford shirts are rushing off to McDonald's for their lunch hour.
Interstitial. Mike outlines his nicknames for various other chefs. Preeti doesn't rate one, because she's not only one of those inferior women, but an inferior woman who will never sleep with him.
Judges' Table. Padma enters the Kitchen, and summons Bryan, Hector, Eli, and Michael to the dining room. This obviously means that the men's team has won, and that these four are the top of that group. Eli's tuna tartare excited Gail in a way that no other has in the past fifteen years. Wow. Michael's sorbet was a great concept and delicious to boot. Tofu is hard to work with, and Hector did an admirable job. Bryan's macaroon had terrific texture, and Todd found it whimsical and fun. "Thank you," Bryan says with zero emotion.
Tiffany (as Bryan): "I'm whimsical. Like Sylvia Plath."
Todd gets to announce the winner, and says that it was between the two brothers. Bryan scores the ultimate win, which he appears as jazzed up about as a semiannual dentist appointment. He does allow that it's nice to redeem himself after being in the bottom of the Quickfire. Ptom reiterates that all four of them did phenomenal work, but I'm afraid their only prize is Padma asking them to send out the losing women. I write down two of the names before the guys take a single step towards the Kitchen. Eve and Ashley are obviously going out there, and are joined by Preeti and Jesse. Hmm, I may have to rethink what I said before about the second episode being too early to find patterns. As the women enter the dining room, I note the absence of our old friends Gong and Odd Asian Music. Have they lost their jobs in this tough economy?
The judges start with Jesse. Her dish was watery and muddled. She begins leaking tears as Gail tries to soften the blow by saying each individual ingredient was fine, but that there wasn't a clean flavor in the mixture. Eve wanted to provide some spice for the groom. Gail says she couldn't taste anything but the salsa. Ptom asks her about her underseasoned shrimp, and Eve says that she tried to spice it up, but as with pasta, if you underseason it at the beginning, you can't do much about it. The look that Ptom gives in response is priceless. I'm not sure I can do it justice, but the closest translation I can give is: "Why did we let you on this show? You are utterly incompetent."
Preeti felt her dish was crowd-pleasing, but Ptom felt it was overcured. He also scolds her for not exchanging the old shiso leaf for a fresh one as the judges came over. Ah, but she did. The sun was so hot that they almost instantly wilted. I think Ptom hates Preeti. His disgust with Eve is understandable, but I'm not sure why he's felt the need to condescend to Preeti like a disappointed dad (in look if not in words) in both episodes. Gail suggests doing away with the shiso leaf altogether. Todd didn't like her eggplant. Ashley's watermelon was great, but that panna cotta sunk her. DRINK! The chefs are dismissed. They head back to the Kitchen, where Jesse immediately snags a gigantic bottle of wine. Heh.
Deliberations. I could repeat the same criticisms that the judges made a few moments ago, but only need to bring up one. That look of utter incomprehension Ptom gave to Eve. The second that crossed his face (and given the fact that she also screwed up shrimp last week), this episode was decided. Elimination. Why drag it out? Eve. Please pack your knives and go. In her final interview, she talks about remaining true to herself and that the judges just didn't get her unusual combinations of flavors. DRINK! I guess "unusual combinations" is code for "sucky". None of the other chefs seems too torn up or surprised about the elimination of a clearly inferior competitor, and LabRat happily celebrates not having to deal with a Michigander for the rest of the season.
Next week on Top Chef: Limecrete continues his tradition of not watching this show's previews, because they give away who winds up at Judges' Table.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on Top Chef: The cast of Miami Ink showed up to compete in a reality cooking show. Padma told the seventeen new competitors that Lady Luck would be keeping a close eye on this season, so if ever there's a time not to tempt Fate, it's now. Jenc established herself as a force to be reckoned with in the Quickfire, while her namesake Jenz threw some chile relleno grenades into the group of judges. Kevin scored the first Elimination Challenge win, while Jenz' grenades blew up in her face, sending her back home. Sixteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Opening credits. I like to cook something for the Top Chef viewing party, if I have time. Last week, I made candied pecans from a recipe that LabRat's mother gave me. This week, I brought dried blueberries to snack on. Let me tell you, it's tough to make those. First, I had to leave them out in the sun, and... OK, fine. I bought them at Trader Joe's. Then Tim had to go and show up my meager store-bought contribution with piping hot spinach artichoke dip. Bastard.
Monday Morning Quarterback session. Everyone fusses with their hair. Jesse was happy to be in the top of the Quickfire standings last week, but wants to correct the mistakes that sunk her to the bottom of the Elimination Challenge. Eve wonders whether to cook for the judges or to just cook her own style of food. I don't think any of the previous winners ever abandoned their own styles; they just found a way to marry that style with the week's particular challenges. Oh, and they didn't suck. Michael and Bryan are still blown away that they're both there, competing against each other. Consider the theme understood, show. Brothers. Competitors. We've got it.
Quickfire Challenge. The chefs stream into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma, Todd English (who will be this week's guest judge), and a craps table. Jenc gets all moist at the sight of Todd, both for physical and professional reasons. Padma explains that in this Quickfire, the chefs will roll a pair of oversized dice down the craps table. Whatever number they roll will be the number of ingredients they'll be allowed to work with. That makes it sound like they can use fewer than their rolled number if they'd like, but that won't turn out to be the case. Work on your speeches, Padma. It's not like you have much else to do. Salt, pepper, and oil are freebies, but every other ingredient must be counted. Fair enough. As with last week, the challenge's winner will get a $15,000 cash prize. Let's get to it!
Kevin doesn't like to work with tons of flavors. Lady Luck bites her thumb at him, and he rolls a ten. Mattin rolls a four. Michael rolls an eight. Hector is happy with his five. Ron pulls an eight. Jesse gets nine. Eve gets eight. Bryan is up there with Kevin with a ten. Jenc gets a nine. Laurine tosses the lowest roll, with a three. That's all the rolls we see. Isn't it odd that seven -- the most statistically likely number -- didn't get thrown once? Too bad they're not really playing craps right now; they'd be making out like bandits.
The thirty-minute countdown begins. Chefs scatter to their stations. Eve wants to make a salad that includes grilled asparagus and blue cheese. A salad is a smart idea if you want to get eight ingredients on the plate. Michael pours about a gallon of oil into a blender. He's working on gazpacho with a twist, using the liquid nitrogen to rapidly chill it. Bryan wants to hold to a more classic style, which he tells us in a deadpan voice he will not be deviating from. I have to say, Bryan is unquestionably the most attractive chef in contention this year (to me, anyway), but that robotic voice can be a tad off-putting. He works on preparing sous-vide cod. In order to keep things simple, Kevin wants to make as few components as possible with his ten ingredients. Smart idea. I like the way he thinks. Jenc is making smoked salmon with a mild jalapeno emulsion. She also uses about a gallon of oil. Jesse tells us in hindsight that she should have used a stainless steel pan to sear her scallops. She didn't, though, so they're colorless and dull. She thinks about using butter to brown them up, but that would put her over the ingredient limit. Too bad she's not competing in Season 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us! Time winds down, and everyone plates their food.
Padma and Todd start their way down the line. With her scant ingredients, Laurine has made an asparagus and leek soup with lemon. Jenc presents her smoked salmon and jalapeno emulsion. It's also got lemon, garlic, shallot, and parsley thrown in. I'm not really enjoying the combination of smoked salmon and jalapeno in my mind, but would have to give it a try before passing any judgement. Mattin has made a carrot soup with ginger, and has cleverly made a little "4" out of carrots to rest on top. Eve's grilled asparagus salad includes raisins, pine nuts, and blue cheese. Michael's nitrogen gazpacho also has compressed cucumbers (whatever that means) and some toast. Kevin has prepared asparagus and celery salad with fennel cream and a boiled egg. Isn't it weird how multiple chefs always seem to work with the same ingredient, seemingly by accident? Last week, it was halibut. Tonight, it's asparagus. Ashley has made grilled lamb with apricot mostarda. The lamb is rare to the point of being almost raw. Bryan has poached black cod, and serves it with carrot, ginger puree, and some daikon radish sprout. Jesse's colorless scallops are served with chimichurri and toasted garlic. There are also some smashed garbanzo beans, which are nice, but seem unnecessary. Maybe she could have replaced them with the much-needed butter.
That's all the dishes we see, and Padma asks Todd for the bad news first. Jesse's scallops needed a better sear, and the rest of her plate was all mushy textures. Eve's blue cheese was overpowering and her presentation sucked. Bryan's flavors were fairly good, but his yuzu was overpowering. He's welcome to bring his overpowering yuzu over here. Hotcha! Now, for the good news. Michael used a clever technique with the gazpacho. Jenc's flavors were bold, yet delicate. Kevin cooked the egg perfectly (I actually prefer a runnier yolk with boiled eggs, but I get what he was going for), and successfully married a lot of flavors. I know it's not really feasible to establish patterns by the second episode, but you'd be forgiven for looking at Kevin, Jenc, Eve, and Jesse with increased attention now. The winner of the Quickfire, the attendant immunity, and the tremendous cash prize is... Michael. Great. I so look forward to the thousand and one interviews about sibling rivalry this will spawn.
Commercials. Head online to learn how to make the winning Quickfire recipe. Sure, let me just pull out my tank of liquid nitrogen. I keep it in the cabinet next to the fridge.
Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be experiencing another Vegas tradition. Bloated entertainers past their heyday? Nope. It's the bachelor and bachelorette party. Kevin looks back fondly at his own debauched fiesta. Ashley is decidedly less thrilled about it. As a lesbian, she's not happy to be participating in an event that she's not able to enjoy herself. More on this later. Padma continues that the chefs will be split into two teams: Men versus women. The men will cater the bride's party, while the women will handle the groom. Or his food, anyway. Now it's Jenc's turn to be offended, because she doesn't believe men and women cook differently, so a "battle of the sexes" is ridiculous. It's a fair point, although nobody said that the challenge winner will lend any evidence to which sex cooks better. It's just a handy way to split the chefs into two teams. I don't disagree with Jenc, but it's a little premature to be pissed off about it.
The bride and groom enter. They pass around their three favorite shots, which they want all the food to be paired with. Lame. Padma gives the teams ten minutes to meet with their "clients" and plan the meal. Eli lets us in on another challenge parameter, which is that each shot must have at least two dishes associated with it. The bride outlines a couple of guests' dietary restrictions, and says she loves spicy food. The groom likes lean meats, shellfish, and has a big sweet tooth. Robin, unlike Jenc, is excited for an all-female team, and GIRL POWER, and blah blah blah. Shopping. The teams have half an hour and an $800 budget. The men pick out some flowers, and assign Ash to take care of them.
Ash: "It's true. Gay guys grow flowers better than straight guys."
LabRat: "No, gay guys DE-flower better than straight guys."
Back at the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their two hours of prep time. Jesse worries that if the women lose, she's the obvious choice to go home. Normally, I'd agree, but there is one person who's done worse. I'll give you a hint. She lived in the Garden of Eden, and also couldn't cook worth a damn. Tiresome sibling rivalry interview. Cooking montage. Jenc (I assume) lowers some octopus into a pan. Eve works on a shrimp ceviche. Ashley skins a watermelon to make a carpaccio. She thinks winning the challenge will give the women a much-needed confidence boost. It's the second episode. They couldn't possibly be that beaten down, could they? Oh, wait.
Hector works on a vegetarian dish. He's making tofu ceviche, which sounds a little strange and not very appetizing. Of course, that's what I first thought about the tofu with black bean sauce at Blue Koi in Kansas City, and now it's my second-favorite thing there. Tiresome sibling rivalry interview. Bryan is making a sweet-and-sour macaroon, which involves guacamole. I don't know whether to be intrigued or disgusted by that. A minor spat surfaces on the women's team. Ashley thinks they have time to make an additional dish, but Jenc would prefer keeping things simple and making sure they execute all of the existing dishes perfectly. Ashley remembers that the groom wanted something sweet, so she's going to forge ahead and make a bay leaf panna cotta, though she's emphatically "not a pastry chef". DRINK! Everyone packs up their food, and gets ready to go. The guys struggle to get done in time, but pull it together in the last few moments.
Back at the house, Ashley has time to fume some more about the challenge. Let's get her good point across first. There are at least three gay chefs participating, none of whom are legally allowed to marry their partners, and they're essentially being forced to celebrate that situation. I totally get that, and agree up to a point. I mean, hey... LabRat and I aren't allowed to walk down the aisle, either. Preeti speaks for me a bit when she says she gets where Ashley is coming from, but modern society hasn't kept her apart from her longtime partner, and this just happens to be the world we're living in right now. Exactly. By all means, let's work to effect some change, but in the meantime, you can't get righteously offended at every instance of participation in heterosexual marriage. That would just be downright exhausting. Besides, this is a televised bachelor/bachelorette party, and there isn't even going to be a stripper! It's almost as far from traditional marriage as a gay couple.
Commercials. I love Bradley Cooper, but that movie looks wretched.
The chefs arrive at a resort swimming pool, and each team sets up their food on one side. They have an hour to set everything up. The intense sun beats down on them, and more importantly, their food. Preeti rests her food on some shiso leaves for a bit of garnish. Eve shops her shrimp around, and the consensus is she needs more salt. She frets that her vinaigrette is "naaaaaaaaht" getting into the shrimp at all. Then she almost accidentally stabs Jenc in the face. Over on the men's side, Mike is typically overconfident (as much as anyone can be "typically" anything by the second episode). Laurine feels the men's food is too "contrived" and that the women will be serving heartier fare. Yeah, but she's serving a bunch of "Woo, bachelor party in VEGAS! WITH SHOTS!" dudes, who will no doubt enjoy a bunch of meaty appetizers. The ladies will probably enjoy the more frou-frou stuff the guys are putting together. Lucky me, I'd like both.
The guests arrive. Wow, nothing would be more fun at my bachelor party than being watched by my soon-to-be wife the whole time. The men and women split to their respective sides of the pool. Ashley has gotten some sleep, and has wisely decided to take a step back, and just do the best she can for the happy couple. If it makes her feel any better, I don't have much hope for a couple that bases their relationship on a mutual love of tequila. The guests begin eating, and the judges enter soon after. We begin going down the line of food, and I'm just going to ignore the pointless shot pairings.
Robin has made a duck mole with cocoa nibs and some apricot. It looks good, as does Laurine's Moroccan lamb chop with a pomegranate pine nut relish. Eve's shrimp and avocado ceviche is served with a smoky tomato and chili salsa and some popcorn. Speaking of ceviche (or as she's still calling it, se-VEECH), Jenc has made one of octopus in a light citrus vinaigrette with some herbs on top. I bet I'd like that. The judges eat through this first grouping. Eve's shrimp is described as "nasty". She didn't cook them properly, and the seasoning is all off, much like last week. Jenc's could use a bit more salt, but is good, overall. Robin's mole is very nice, while Laurine's lamb chop gets approving nods.
Next! Ashley has made watermelon carpaccio with some ricotta salata and aged balsamic. It looks very refreshing. She also presents her bay leaf and vanilla panna cotta with cranberry powder and some honey. Preeti lays out her coriander and sesame-crusted tuna with spicy eggplant, and a wonton crisp on top of the shiso leaf. That looks awesome. Jesse has made a lettuce cup with Thai chicken thigh, shiitake mushrooms, shiso, and ginger beer. The judges eat. Jesse's dish is too muddled with competing flavors, and her food doesn't match the shot at all. Preeti's looks wilted, and Todd finds it overcured. Ashley's watermelon was great, but her panna cotta sucked. DRINK!
Next! Michael has thrown together an apple sorbet with a goat cheese cookie. That's no small feat in and of itself with such hot weather. Kevin has made a chilled almond soup with king crab, cucumber, and white grape. Yum. The judges love his soup, though Ptom wishes it were a bit colder. Even as that gets high marks, Michael's goat cheese cookie gets even higher ones.
Next! Mike has served Arctic char with a smoky caper sauce, and some Cara Cara orange. Bryan's sweet-and-sour macaroon is filled with guacamole, corn nuts, and corn puree. I still don't know about that. Coconut is never mentioned, so is that in there, like a traditional macaroon? I pride myself on eating some strange things, but this one has me confused. Ron has made lobster cocktail with a habanero tomato sauce. Hector's tofu is in a lemon-lime, tequila ceviche, and is served alongside a guajillo-achiote tortilla. Look it up. The judges love what Hector did with the tofu, while Ron's lobster has no flavor. Mike's Arctic char is flabby, flat, and doesn't work with the shot. Bryan's guacamole mightily impresses everyone.
Next! Eli has Thai tuna tartare, served with puffed wild rice, and ruined by the addition of coconut milk. Mattin has a bouillabaisse with an aioli crouton, and a Basque croquette that seems to just be a ball of fried cheese. Ash has made an Asian chicken wing with pickled pearl onions on top. The judges like the ginger in Eli's tuna. Mattin's croquette was good, but the rest of the dish is imbalanced. Ash's chicken makes Todd very happy.
After service, some of the guys rip their chef coats off and jump into the pool. Laurine cracks me up when she dryly wonders who people would rather see jump into a pool: Girls or fat boys. Ash does not participate, finding it juvenile. Juvenile, maybe. Unprofessional, certainly. Well, I don't see any guests in the shots of the pool-jumping. Maybe they've all left, in which case it's fine. The women toast each other. The men share a cheer.
Commercials. I don't think people with pinstriped Oxford shirts are rushing off to McDonald's for their lunch hour.
Interstitial. Mike outlines his nicknames for various other chefs. Preeti doesn't rate one, because she's not only one of those inferior women, but an inferior woman who will never sleep with him.
Judges' Table. Padma enters the Kitchen, and summons Bryan, Hector, Eli, and Michael to the dining room. This obviously means that the men's team has won, and that these four are the top of that group. Eli's tuna tartare excited Gail in a way that no other has in the past fifteen years. Wow. Michael's sorbet was a great concept and delicious to boot. Tofu is hard to work with, and Hector did an admirable job. Bryan's macaroon had terrific texture, and Todd found it whimsical and fun. "Thank you," Bryan says with zero emotion.
Tiffany (as Bryan): "I'm whimsical. Like Sylvia Plath."
Todd gets to announce the winner, and says that it was between the two brothers. Bryan scores the ultimate win, which he appears as jazzed up about as a semiannual dentist appointment. He does allow that it's nice to redeem himself after being in the bottom of the Quickfire. Ptom reiterates that all four of them did phenomenal work, but I'm afraid their only prize is Padma asking them to send out the losing women. I write down two of the names before the guys take a single step towards the Kitchen. Eve and Ashley are obviously going out there, and are joined by Preeti and Jesse. Hmm, I may have to rethink what I said before about the second episode being too early to find patterns. As the women enter the dining room, I note the absence of our old friends Gong and Odd Asian Music. Have they lost their jobs in this tough economy?
The judges start with Jesse. Her dish was watery and muddled. She begins leaking tears as Gail tries to soften the blow by saying each individual ingredient was fine, but that there wasn't a clean flavor in the mixture. Eve wanted to provide some spice for the groom. Gail says she couldn't taste anything but the salsa. Ptom asks her about her underseasoned shrimp, and Eve says that she tried to spice it up, but as with pasta, if you underseason it at the beginning, you can't do much about it. The look that Ptom gives in response is priceless. I'm not sure I can do it justice, but the closest translation I can give is: "Why did we let you on this show? You are utterly incompetent."
Preeti felt her dish was crowd-pleasing, but Ptom felt it was overcured. He also scolds her for not exchanging the old shiso leaf for a fresh one as the judges came over. Ah, but she did. The sun was so hot that they almost instantly wilted. I think Ptom hates Preeti. His disgust with Eve is understandable, but I'm not sure why he's felt the need to condescend to Preeti like a disappointed dad (in look if not in words) in both episodes. Gail suggests doing away with the shiso leaf altogether. Todd didn't like her eggplant. Ashley's watermelon was great, but that panna cotta sunk her. DRINK! The chefs are dismissed. They head back to the Kitchen, where Jesse immediately snags a gigantic bottle of wine. Heh.
Deliberations. I could repeat the same criticisms that the judges made a few moments ago, but only need to bring up one. That look of utter incomprehension Ptom gave to Eve. The second that crossed his face (and given the fact that she also screwed up shrimp last week), this episode was decided. Elimination. Why drag it out? Eve. Please pack your knives and go. In her final interview, she talks about remaining true to herself and that the judges just didn't get her unusual combinations of flavors. DRINK! I guess "unusual combinations" is code for "sucky". None of the other chefs seems too torn up or surprised about the elimination of a clearly inferior competitor, and LabRat happily celebrates not having to deal with a Michigander for the rest of the season.
Next week on Top Chef: Limecrete continues his tradition of not watching this show's previews, because they give away who winds up at Judges' Table.
Overall Grade: B-
Saturday, August 22, 2009
All That and a Bag of Chips
Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 1
Previously on Top Chef: Carla! Besides her, not much.
Welcome back to a new season of Top Chef! The gang (Me, LabRat, Tim, Tiffany, Kender, Panny, Phooey, and Panny's dogs) enjoyed Top Chef Masters, but nothing can really substitute for Original Recipe. I find myself more excited than I thought I'd be for a new season, and can hopefully improve my shameful track record when it comes to being able to blog through the last episode. It wasn't my fault! Well, not always. I stopped writing about Season Two because it was terrible, and I couldn't bear to expend any more internet ink on that jerkoff Ilan. Season Five was interrupted by external events. I do feel bad about Season Four, though; I should have been able to work through my depression over Antonia's elimination and finished the season. Oh, well. Season Six gives me a fresh start, and I hope I can be at least a minimal replacement for one Saucy Aussie who can't watch the actual show. OK, so...
Welcome to Las Vegas! Seventeen contestants are ready to cook and fight, all for your amusement. The chefs are a higher pedigree than in seasons past, but Padma warns that luck will play a bigger role in a city dominated by games of chance. The ultimate prize has also been beefed up: In addition to the regular magazine exposure and such, $125,000 cash and $100,000 of kitchen equipment will be awarded. I'd jump out of my pants if I got $1000 worth of kitchen equipment. Of course, that would make avoiding hot oil spatter even more important.
Contestants arrive at the airport. Kevin Gillespie gave up a scholarship at MIT to become a chef. He looks a little like Tim, which will be distracting. Preeti Mistry looks forward to the chaos. I'll bet she won't be for long. Ron Duprat grew up in Haiti, and seems like a genial, sweet guy, so don't get too attached to him. More chefs stream into the house, which is very pretty, and makes the prisoners of the Season Two Cellblock grind their teeth even harder. Eve Aronoff talks about being the only chef from Michigan, a factoid that will pop up again later, but that we missed on first viewing because we were too busy eating or drinking or running to the kitchen to flee from an atomic dog fart. Mattin Noblia is originally from France, now works in San Francisco, and will be putting the subtitle writers to work this season. Eli Kirshtein is from Atlanta, and got into cooking not to cook, but to eat. He's already on my good side.
Ash Fulk is weirdly the only chef from New York this season. He's gay, gay, gay. Jesse Sandlin is from Baltimore, and has no formal training as a chef. She's already on the defensive about how trained chefs are overconfident and egotistical, which I'm sure is often true, but she's emitting almost visible waves of insecurity. Jennifer Zavala is from Philadelphia, and refuses to unpack, thinking it'll just tempt the universe into making her the first one eliminated. Oh, that'll never happen! Speaking of Jennifers from Philadelphia, Jennifer Carroll is a chef from Philadelphia. Oy. Well, the Saram/Saran thing worked out well, so from now on, Jennifer Zavala is Jenz and Jennifer Carroll is Jenc. Jenc warns that she can be a bitch in the kitchen. Don't sell yourself short, Jenc. I'm sure you can be a bitch other places, too.
Bryan Voltaggio is a chef from Frederick, Maryland. His younger brother Michael Voltaggio works in Los Angeles, so they're here to have not only a sibling showdown, but a coastal one. And speaking of chefs named Michael... Sigh. Mike Isabella is a chef in Washington, D.C. I guess they won't be too hard to differentiate if one is Michael and one is Mike. Ashley Merriman is from Seattle, and has a big Rachel Maddow vibe going on.
The chefs are driven to the M Resort Hotel & Casino, where this season's Kitchen will be. It's a bit industrial looking, but at least has a lot of space. They're met in the Kitchen by Ptom and Padma, who helpfully remain silent while we knock out more introductions. Laurine Wickett, despite a name that makes her sound like an old lady who sells yarn in Arkansas, works in catering in San Francisco. Hector Santiago may be a chef from Atlanta, but doesn't get to say so, only commenting on how pretty Padma is. I guess the final remaining chef was demoted to introducing herself in the opening credits, so let's just toss her in here. Robin Leventhal is a chef from Seattle who has survived cancer. She's got kind of a less-foul-mouthed Cynthia thing going on. There sure are a lot of tatts and piercings in this crew. I know that's common in the industry, but cripes. Seen as a group, they look like they all escaped from a nineteenth-century circus. I fear the Top Chef Swimsuit Calendar won't sell well this season. All right, let's get cooking!
Quickfire Challenge. Ptom explains that the chefs will break into groups of four for the mise en place relay race. A group of showgirls enters for no other reason than to remind us that we're in Vegas. I've caught the snap, thanks. Padma presents a hat full of poker chips to determine the teams. The teams wind up being:
Black Team: Mike, Eli, Ashley, and Hector
Blue Team: Jenc, Jesse, Mattin, and Bryan
Red Team: Preeti, Eve, Kevin, and Michael
Green Team: Jenz, Ron, Laurine, and Ash
Of course, seventeen people can't be broken evenly into four teams, and Robin pulls out a lone, gold chip. She doesn't know if this portends good news or bad news. It's good news. Padma tells her that not only can she sit out the relay race, but that she's granted automatic immunity in the Elimination Challenge. Wow, they weren't kidding about luck influencing the challenges this season. Preeti wishes she would have drawn the gold chip. She's about to find out just how much she wishes it. Although the relay race has been done before, this one is a lot more difficult than just dicing onions or whipping egg whites. The teams will have to shuck fifteen clams, peel thirty prawns, break down five lobsters, and butcher two chops from a rack of prime rib. Padma gives the chefs two minutes to figure out who's doing what. Preeti finds herself stuck with the clam-shucking, which she's never done. She nervously opines that it's the same as shucking oysters, but Kevin quickly corrects her. Nobody bothers to suggest that she switch tasks.
Ready? Go! Preeti has failed to magically acquire clam-schucking skills in the past ten seconds, which somehow takes her team by surprise. Ptom does not get off to a good start, as he shakes his head derisively at her. Is this one of those seasons that he's going to be an unmitigated ass? That's never fun. Jenz slices her hand open, interviewing that "the hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it." Wait, let me write that down. This is valuable career advice. "The hard part about building a nuclear reactor is knowing how to do it." "The hard part about vascular surgery is knowing how to do it." Hey, that does work! Mike sets himself up as the Tiffani/Hung/Lisa/Dale/Pretty Much Everyone In Season Two of the season by smarming that Jenc shouldn't be able to beat him at the clams, because of all those lady parts she has. He does narrowly edge her out. Curse those ovaries!
Eli and Jesse tear through the prawns, and the narrow gap between the Blue and Black teams stays about the same. Preeti saws away at her clams. Jenz wraps hers up, and Laurine gets going on the prawns. Ashley is on to the lobsters for the Black team, but she doesn't stand a chance again Mattin. He utterly destroys his lobsters, which couldn't be cleaned faster if he were Samantha on Bewitched. In no time, they're given the go-ahead for Bryan to tackle the prime rib.
Tiffany: "That's a big fucking piece of meat."
Limecrete: "That's what she said!"
We try to wedge in at least once per week. After Bryan gets started, Ashley finishes her lobsters, so Hector hopes he can catch up on the prime rib. Nope. Bryan whips through it, and the Blue team wins before the Red team is even finished with their clams. The Blue team isn't done, though. Now the four of them will cook against each other to determine the challenge's individual winner, who will get a poker chip worth $15,000. Wowsers.
Commercials. According to the sound editors, one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta is going to shoot one of the other ones. Fine with me.
Ptom offers Robin the opportunity to trade immunity for the chance to compete for the poker chip. She holds on to the immunity, as would I. Mike cements his status as a tool by interpreting this to mean she's a scared old lady with no confidence in her skills. Yeah, it could be that. Or she could be giving up the chance for $15,000 for guaranteed advancement in a contest worth more than $200,000. Mike wouldn't need to consider that, as Robin is one of those female thingies, and couldn't possibly know how to cook, anyway.
Each member of the Blue team will have half an hour to cook with the ingredient they worked with in the relay race, which is a clever idea. Jesse worries, because she's never worked with prawns in her life. Wait a minute, she's from Baltimore, and has no idea what to do with shellfish? Take a crab mallet to her knees! Padma starts the clock. Bryan has worked at a steakhouse, and feels pretty good, though he wants to work on something "quick". Something quick for the Quickfire? Uncanny! Let me write that down underneath "The hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it." Jenc wants to make a clam ceviche, and pronounces it to rhyme with bleach. Mattin is happy to be stuck with lobster. Everyone plates their food just as time runs out.
Ptom and Padma go down the line. Jenc worries that her clam ceviche with citron vinegar is too simple. Mattin has cooked his lobster with bay leaves and star anise. Ew, I hate star anise. Jesse has thrown together her prawn with grits, polenta, and even more naked insecurity. Bryan has crusted the rib eye with fennel and black pepper and serves it with caramelized celery and a chive puree. I like my meat rather bloody, but his cut looks almost raw. At least he realizes it, and has the strict time limit to blame. Ptom's bottom two wind up being Bryan for his bland puree and Mattin for his bland seasoning. He did like Jenc's clean ceviche and the amount of flavor Jesse was able to develop out of her prawn. Jesse clutches her chest like she's been voted Awesomest Person of the Year. The winner winds up being Jenc, who turns redder than Mattin's lobsters. She jogs up to collect her valuable poker chip, and kisses Ptom on the cheek, to which he makes a hilarious "Um....OK" face. Jenc hopes she can win every single challenge from here on out. Sounds boring.
Elimination Challenge. Padma says that they'd like to explore the chefs' dark sides. Eve grins nervously, because the darkest thing she's ever done is double-dip her corn chip in some salsa. Today's Elimination Challenge will be to create a dish based on each chef's vice. The chefs will be cooking against the others on their Quickfire team; each team will yield someone up for the win and someone up for elimination. Robin gets to choose which team she cooks with, and chooses Blue. The chefs have $150 and thirty minutes to shop at Whole Foods before cooking for two hours. This week's guest judge is Wolfgang Puck, which makes the chefs all anxious and tittery.
Interstitial. Kevin goes down the waterslide into the pool. And...scene.
Shopping. Mike indulges in some more casual misogyny. Kevin disdains Eli's strategy of buying a dozen scallops. Kevin himself borrows a fish filet and buries his nose in it to get a sense of its quality.
Kevin: "I'll take this."
Tiffany: "I would hope so; you fucking stuck your boogers in it."
More shopping. Bryan reminds us that in three of the five previous seasons, the winner of the first Elimination Challenge wound up winning the whole season. Ron is too busy telling us about his hellish, month-long journey from Haiti to the United States to worry much about game statistics. Jenz interviews that she's going to represent her hot temper with a chile relleno that she plans to make with seitan. Everyone checks out.
Later, the chefs head to Wolfgang Puck's restaurant at the Palazzo. Kevin describes his vice as procrastination, so he's cooking Arctic char in an uncharacteristically slow fashion. Preeti hopes to redeem herself after her poor Quickfire performance. Michael is doing a salute to Vegas' love of plastic surgery. If you're sitting there thinking. "Wait, that's not a vice of his... And wait, Vegas isn't known for plastic surgery," you're in good company. Laurine says her vices include donuts, bacon, chocolate, and beer. That's more like it. Kevin calls Jenz' use of seitan "ballsy" because nobody likes it. I've never tried it, but have no trouble believing that something that is used as an alternative to tofu wouldn't light up the taste buds. Jenc's vice is that she's a booze hag, so she works a lot of liquor into her sauce. Jesse works with chicken and worries that it's too dried out.
Hector plans to smoke his steak by deep-frying it. Mike is snobby some more, though at least in it's reference to a guy this time. I can tell I'm going to have to pace myself with the "Mike is a snobby tool" comments, or I'll never have time to type anything else. It may be time for the return of the Smarmerview. Eve cannot track down any white wine. Her "vice" is that she wishes she were more simple and easygoing. Yeah, I was just thinking to myself that Eve is far too complex and dramatic. Snerk. Her lack of white wine makes her sauce unbalanced, and while she's fussing over that, her seafood overcooks. Jenz' chile rellenos look nasty. The breading is falling off in big, chunky wads. Time runs out before Robin can plate her sauce. She's embarrassed, but relieved that she's got immunity.
Commercials. Don't buy an expensive toothbrush! Buy this $15 one!
Dinner. The Black team comes out and presents their food to Padma, Ptom, Gail, and Wolfgang Puck. Mike's vice is a bad temper and foul mouth, and he's made olive oil-poached halibut formed like a bar of soap that his mother would have washed his mouth out with. It's served on top of eggplant puree. Okay, I don't like him, but that is very clever, and looks good to boot. Eli has tried to work in arrogance and bitterness by making "buttered" scotch with scallops, cashews, and beer powder. I'm not sure what beer powder is, and I'm getting weary of the overuse of scallops these days, but all right. Ashley's vice is alcohol. In fact, just assume that all of these people's vices include alcohol in some capacity. Her dish is chicken liver ravioli with a red wine demi-glace, so she gets the honor of having the first dish that actively makes me want to dive into the television screen head-first to get at her food. Hector's vice is smoking, so he's smoked some rib eye in the deep fryer, and serves it with carrot puree and celery ceviche.
The chefs are dismissed and the judges tuck in. Eli's scallops are good, but overworked. Hector's method of deep-frying totally mystifies everyone. Mike has shown experience and focus. Ashley is completely ignored.
Blue team. Bryan has made strip steak with a parsnip puree and a bourbon reduction caramel. Mattin is stubborn, so he's made buffalo rib eye with Madeira sauce. There are some zucchini-wrapped mashed potatoes on the side. I'm not sure what that has to do with stubbornness, but maybe something was lost in the translation. Jenc says her vice is alcohol, and that she tends to do a lot of stupid things after a lot of it.
Timiffany: "So does Padma."
Jenc has made halibut poached in a variety of liquors, served with a black peppercorn sauce. Jesse's vice is excess, and has given the judges the entire chicken, which is a smart idea. It's been braised in a whiskey reduction, and is served with Yukon potatoes and a fried egg. Hmm, I'm not sure about that egg. Robin says that she's a bad Jew, so pork is her vice. Holla, sister! She says she attempted to make pork five ways, such as a pork tenderloin stuffed with chorizo. Mmmm. She's saddened to tell the judges that her gastrique didn't make it onto the plate. They're dismissed. The judges like Bryan's steak, but I'm happy to see that the judges (and by extension perhaps people who matter in the food world) are getting sick of purees under every goddamn thing. Jenc's sauce is great, and Wolfgang proclaims that they wouldn't be able to find a better piece of halibut anywhere else in Vegas. I have to say, I know Vegas is home to some amazing feats of food, but last time I was there, LabRat and I went to what was supposedly an amazing sushi place, and agreed that we get better sushi here in St. Louis. Geography isn't everything. Jesse's chicken was dry. Mattin's meat was nice, but the sides made no sense, and he didn't show much personality in his food.
Green team. Ash has made poached halibut. What's with all the poached halibut tonight? Was there a sale? His is served on a vegetable ratatouille and parsley coulis. Jenz' chile relleno still looks kind of gross, and is served on grilled tomatillo salsa. Ron's "vice" is an inability to let his hellish month-long journey from Haiti go, so he's prepared jerked sea bass with collard greens and a Haitian hash.
Limecrete: "Topped with a demi-glace of his tears."
Laurine serves bacon donuts with both a chocolate sauce and a beer sauce. The chefs are dismissed. Ron's dish was a bit fussy, but the judges tap dance a bit to avoid overly-criticizing a man who just spilled his soul. Jenz' chile relleno was flavorless and clunky. Laurine's sauces were good, but her donuts are like golf balls. Wolfgang's colorful descriptions crack Ptom up. Ash isn't discussed.
Red team. Michael describes his homage to plastic surgery with a rack of lamb and coconut sauce with cauliflower gnocchi. Preeti has braised pork tenderloin with bourbon and yes, there's another goddamn puree underneath it, this one of sweet potato. Eve spins her story of wanting to be less complicated, then presents her plate of shrimp and scallops in a curry cream sauce. Kevin describes his portrayal of procrastination through the slow-cooked Arctic char with a turnip salsa verde and celery salad. They're dismissed. The judges love Kevin's food and his techniques. Eve's was blah. Michael had some good flavors and good presentation.
Commercials. Jennifer Aniston is in a paint-by-numbers romantic comedy. Try to contain your shock.
Judges' Table. The chefs have their usual fret 'n sweat back in the Kitchen. Jenz describes her dish to Mike, who has never heard of seitan, and once he's told what it involves, looks like he wishes he still hasn't. Padma comes back and summons Ron, Mike, Kevin, and Jenc to the table. She tries to imbue her tone with grievous importance, but once they leave, Ash immediately pegs the four of them as the winning group. Indeed, they each have the best dish of their group. Mike's fish was well-seasoned and focused. Wolfgang gives Jenc's halibut effusive praise, and kids her about her drinking. She blushes hardcore. Ron's island flavors came through well. Kevin executed everything really well. Wolfgang gets to announce the winner, which is... Kevin. Jenc comes over to hug him, which was nice. Padma sends them back to summon the losers.
Kevin's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. Ron tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Hector, Jenz, Jesse, and Eve. Everyone wishes them luck. The Odd Asian music is strangely absent, though our old friend the Gong sticks around to announce their entrance into the dining room. Hector didn't have enough smoke flavor, and his method of deep-frying the steak was questionable. He explains that he wanted a crunchy outside with caramelized fat. I've heard worse reasoning. Eve's sauce tasted like it had no seasoning whatsoever.
Eve: "I actually toned it down a little bit, to be aaaaaahnest."
Limecrete: "Aaaaaahnest?"
LabRat: "Oh, my God. She's got to be from Michigan. That is pure Michigan."
Tim: "Let me see... Yep. Ann Arbor, Michigan."
LabRat: "Gah! I knew it!"
LabRat went to grad school in Michigan, and his opinion of its residents... Let's just say it's strong. Anyhow, Eve blathers something nonsensical, up to a Jill level of utter lack of comprehension, and perhaps even a bit beyond. Everything on her plate gets a big thumbs down. Jenz' food was unrefined, and Gail didn't get any of the heat she was going for. Unlike Eve, who accepted her criticisms meekly, Jenz disagrees with the judges. She says that she's made this same exact dish before with much better feedback. The judges ask her about her use of the much-discussed seitan. Jenz clearly enjoys it, though nobody else did. Jesse had a good idea, but her chicken was dried out. Jesse understands exactly what she did wrong, and almost bursts into tears at what is really a pretty mild critique. I don't sense her sticking around for long. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Gail was happy to see that most of the losing chefs harbored no delusions about why they were in the bottom. Jesse had a good idea, and only a minor problem of execution. Hector had bad execution, but at least had some imagination. Ptom also thinks he had stiffer competition in a very strong Black team. Jenz' pepper wasn't cooked properly or seasoned properly. Eve's shrimp was hideously overcooked, she didn't season one thing correctly, and she had no overall concept. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Hector didn't smoke his meat well. Eve's a mess from top to bottom. Jenz' idea didn't come across, and her dish plain sucked. Jesse's chicken was dry. Ptom says the decision as to who is first to go is always a difficult one. Really? I would think this first round would be the easiest to judge. There's always at least a couple of chefs who are clearly out of their depth. Speaking of which, let's go over to Padma for the chop. Jenz. Please pack your knives and go. Interesting. I really thought it would be Eve. Terrible as Jenz' dish seemed to be, she at least had a concept. Jesse gives her a commiserating squeeze on the way out of the dining room. Jenz interviews that she didn't think she'd go this early, and that she just tried to do something different to stand out. Well, if that was her goal, I'd say she met it.
This season on Top Chef: Cooking. Yelling. Tattoos. Weird-ass challenges. Weird-ass guest judges. Fighting. Misuse of the word literally.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Top Chef: Carla! Besides her, not much.
Welcome back to a new season of Top Chef! The gang (Me, LabRat, Tim, Tiffany, Kender, Panny, Phooey, and Panny's dogs) enjoyed Top Chef Masters, but nothing can really substitute for Original Recipe. I find myself more excited than I thought I'd be for a new season, and can hopefully improve my shameful track record when it comes to being able to blog through the last episode. It wasn't my fault! Well, not always. I stopped writing about Season Two because it was terrible, and I couldn't bear to expend any more internet ink on that jerkoff Ilan. Season Five was interrupted by external events. I do feel bad about Season Four, though; I should have been able to work through my depression over Antonia's elimination and finished the season. Oh, well. Season Six gives me a fresh start, and I hope I can be at least a minimal replacement for one Saucy Aussie who can't watch the actual show. OK, so...
Welcome to Las Vegas! Seventeen contestants are ready to cook and fight, all for your amusement. The chefs are a higher pedigree than in seasons past, but Padma warns that luck will play a bigger role in a city dominated by games of chance. The ultimate prize has also been beefed up: In addition to the regular magazine exposure and such, $125,000 cash and $100,000 of kitchen equipment will be awarded. I'd jump out of my pants if I got $1000 worth of kitchen equipment. Of course, that would make avoiding hot oil spatter even more important.
Contestants arrive at the airport. Kevin Gillespie gave up a scholarship at MIT to become a chef. He looks a little like Tim, which will be distracting. Preeti Mistry looks forward to the chaos. I'll bet she won't be for long. Ron Duprat grew up in Haiti, and seems like a genial, sweet guy, so don't get too attached to him. More chefs stream into the house, which is very pretty, and makes the prisoners of the Season Two Cellblock grind their teeth even harder. Eve Aronoff talks about being the only chef from Michigan, a factoid that will pop up again later, but that we missed on first viewing because we were too busy eating or drinking or running to the kitchen to flee from an atomic dog fart. Mattin Noblia is originally from France, now works in San Francisco, and will be putting the subtitle writers to work this season. Eli Kirshtein is from Atlanta, and got into cooking not to cook, but to eat. He's already on my good side.
Ash Fulk is weirdly the only chef from New York this season. He's gay, gay, gay. Jesse Sandlin is from Baltimore, and has no formal training as a chef. She's already on the defensive about how trained chefs are overconfident and egotistical, which I'm sure is often true, but she's emitting almost visible waves of insecurity. Jennifer Zavala is from Philadelphia, and refuses to unpack, thinking it'll just tempt the universe into making her the first one eliminated. Oh, that'll never happen! Speaking of Jennifers from Philadelphia, Jennifer Carroll is a chef from Philadelphia. Oy. Well, the Saram/Saran thing worked out well, so from now on, Jennifer Zavala is Jenz and Jennifer Carroll is Jenc. Jenc warns that she can be a bitch in the kitchen. Don't sell yourself short, Jenc. I'm sure you can be a bitch other places, too.
Bryan Voltaggio is a chef from Frederick, Maryland. His younger brother Michael Voltaggio works in Los Angeles, so they're here to have not only a sibling showdown, but a coastal one. And speaking of chefs named Michael... Sigh. Mike Isabella is a chef in Washington, D.C. I guess they won't be too hard to differentiate if one is Michael and one is Mike. Ashley Merriman is from Seattle, and has a big Rachel Maddow vibe going on.
The chefs are driven to the M Resort Hotel & Casino, where this season's Kitchen will be. It's a bit industrial looking, but at least has a lot of space. They're met in the Kitchen by Ptom and Padma, who helpfully remain silent while we knock out more introductions. Laurine Wickett, despite a name that makes her sound like an old lady who sells yarn in Arkansas, works in catering in San Francisco. Hector Santiago may be a chef from Atlanta, but doesn't get to say so, only commenting on how pretty Padma is. I guess the final remaining chef was demoted to introducing herself in the opening credits, so let's just toss her in here. Robin Leventhal is a chef from Seattle who has survived cancer. She's got kind of a less-foul-mouthed Cynthia thing going on. There sure are a lot of tatts and piercings in this crew. I know that's common in the industry, but cripes. Seen as a group, they look like they all escaped from a nineteenth-century circus. I fear the Top Chef Swimsuit Calendar won't sell well this season. All right, let's get cooking!
Quickfire Challenge. Ptom explains that the chefs will break into groups of four for the mise en place relay race. A group of showgirls enters for no other reason than to remind us that we're in Vegas. I've caught the snap, thanks. Padma presents a hat full of poker chips to determine the teams. The teams wind up being:
Black Team: Mike, Eli, Ashley, and Hector
Blue Team: Jenc, Jesse, Mattin, and Bryan
Red Team: Preeti, Eve, Kevin, and Michael
Green Team: Jenz, Ron, Laurine, and Ash
Of course, seventeen people can't be broken evenly into four teams, and Robin pulls out a lone, gold chip. She doesn't know if this portends good news or bad news. It's good news. Padma tells her that not only can she sit out the relay race, but that she's granted automatic immunity in the Elimination Challenge. Wow, they weren't kidding about luck influencing the challenges this season. Preeti wishes she would have drawn the gold chip. She's about to find out just how much she wishes it. Although the relay race has been done before, this one is a lot more difficult than just dicing onions or whipping egg whites. The teams will have to shuck fifteen clams, peel thirty prawns, break down five lobsters, and butcher two chops from a rack of prime rib. Padma gives the chefs two minutes to figure out who's doing what. Preeti finds herself stuck with the clam-shucking, which she's never done. She nervously opines that it's the same as shucking oysters, but Kevin quickly corrects her. Nobody bothers to suggest that she switch tasks.
Ready? Go! Preeti has failed to magically acquire clam-schucking skills in the past ten seconds, which somehow takes her team by surprise. Ptom does not get off to a good start, as he shakes his head derisively at her. Is this one of those seasons that he's going to be an unmitigated ass? That's never fun. Jenz slices her hand open, interviewing that "the hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it." Wait, let me write that down. This is valuable career advice. "The hard part about building a nuclear reactor is knowing how to do it." "The hard part about vascular surgery is knowing how to do it." Hey, that does work! Mike sets himself up as the Tiffani/Hung/Lisa/Dale/Pretty Much Everyone In Season Two of the season by smarming that Jenc shouldn't be able to beat him at the clams, because of all those lady parts she has. He does narrowly edge her out. Curse those ovaries!
Eli and Jesse tear through the prawns, and the narrow gap between the Blue and Black teams stays about the same. Preeti saws away at her clams. Jenz wraps hers up, and Laurine gets going on the prawns. Ashley is on to the lobsters for the Black team, but she doesn't stand a chance again Mattin. He utterly destroys his lobsters, which couldn't be cleaned faster if he were Samantha on Bewitched. In no time, they're given the go-ahead for Bryan to tackle the prime rib.
Tiffany: "That's a big fucking piece of meat."
Limecrete: "That's what she said!"
We try to wedge in at least once per week. After Bryan gets started, Ashley finishes her lobsters, so Hector hopes he can catch up on the prime rib. Nope. Bryan whips through it, and the Blue team wins before the Red team is even finished with their clams. The Blue team isn't done, though. Now the four of them will cook against each other to determine the challenge's individual winner, who will get a poker chip worth $15,000. Wowsers.
Commercials. According to the sound editors, one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta is going to shoot one of the other ones. Fine with me.
Ptom offers Robin the opportunity to trade immunity for the chance to compete for the poker chip. She holds on to the immunity, as would I. Mike cements his status as a tool by interpreting this to mean she's a scared old lady with no confidence in her skills. Yeah, it could be that. Or she could be giving up the chance for $15,000 for guaranteed advancement in a contest worth more than $200,000. Mike wouldn't need to consider that, as Robin is one of those female thingies, and couldn't possibly know how to cook, anyway.
Each member of the Blue team will have half an hour to cook with the ingredient they worked with in the relay race, which is a clever idea. Jesse worries, because she's never worked with prawns in her life. Wait a minute, she's from Baltimore, and has no idea what to do with shellfish? Take a crab mallet to her knees! Padma starts the clock. Bryan has worked at a steakhouse, and feels pretty good, though he wants to work on something "quick". Something quick for the Quickfire? Uncanny! Let me write that down underneath "The hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it." Jenc wants to make a clam ceviche, and pronounces it to rhyme with bleach. Mattin is happy to be stuck with lobster. Everyone plates their food just as time runs out.
Ptom and Padma go down the line. Jenc worries that her clam ceviche with citron vinegar is too simple. Mattin has cooked his lobster with bay leaves and star anise. Ew, I hate star anise. Jesse has thrown together her prawn with grits, polenta, and even more naked insecurity. Bryan has crusted the rib eye with fennel and black pepper and serves it with caramelized celery and a chive puree. I like my meat rather bloody, but his cut looks almost raw. At least he realizes it, and has the strict time limit to blame. Ptom's bottom two wind up being Bryan for his bland puree and Mattin for his bland seasoning. He did like Jenc's clean ceviche and the amount of flavor Jesse was able to develop out of her prawn. Jesse clutches her chest like she's been voted Awesomest Person of the Year. The winner winds up being Jenc, who turns redder than Mattin's lobsters. She jogs up to collect her valuable poker chip, and kisses Ptom on the cheek, to which he makes a hilarious "Um....OK" face. Jenc hopes she can win every single challenge from here on out. Sounds boring.
Elimination Challenge. Padma says that they'd like to explore the chefs' dark sides. Eve grins nervously, because the darkest thing she's ever done is double-dip her corn chip in some salsa. Today's Elimination Challenge will be to create a dish based on each chef's vice. The chefs will be cooking against the others on their Quickfire team; each team will yield someone up for the win and someone up for elimination. Robin gets to choose which team she cooks with, and chooses Blue. The chefs have $150 and thirty minutes to shop at Whole Foods before cooking for two hours. This week's guest judge is Wolfgang Puck, which makes the chefs all anxious and tittery.
Interstitial. Kevin goes down the waterslide into the pool. And...scene.
Shopping. Mike indulges in some more casual misogyny. Kevin disdains Eli's strategy of buying a dozen scallops. Kevin himself borrows a fish filet and buries his nose in it to get a sense of its quality.
Kevin: "I'll take this."
Tiffany: "I would hope so; you fucking stuck your boogers in it."
More shopping. Bryan reminds us that in three of the five previous seasons, the winner of the first Elimination Challenge wound up winning the whole season. Ron is too busy telling us about his hellish, month-long journey from Haiti to the United States to worry much about game statistics. Jenz interviews that she's going to represent her hot temper with a chile relleno that she plans to make with seitan. Everyone checks out.
Later, the chefs head to Wolfgang Puck's restaurant at the Palazzo. Kevin describes his vice as procrastination, so he's cooking Arctic char in an uncharacteristically slow fashion. Preeti hopes to redeem herself after her poor Quickfire performance. Michael is doing a salute to Vegas' love of plastic surgery. If you're sitting there thinking. "Wait, that's not a vice of his... And wait, Vegas isn't known for plastic surgery," you're in good company. Laurine says her vices include donuts, bacon, chocolate, and beer. That's more like it. Kevin calls Jenz' use of seitan "ballsy" because nobody likes it. I've never tried it, but have no trouble believing that something that is used as an alternative to tofu wouldn't light up the taste buds. Jenc's vice is that she's a booze hag, so she works a lot of liquor into her sauce. Jesse works with chicken and worries that it's too dried out.
Hector plans to smoke his steak by deep-frying it. Mike is snobby some more, though at least in it's reference to a guy this time. I can tell I'm going to have to pace myself with the "Mike is a snobby tool" comments, or I'll never have time to type anything else. It may be time for the return of the Smarmerview. Eve cannot track down any white wine. Her "vice" is that she wishes she were more simple and easygoing. Yeah, I was just thinking to myself that Eve is far too complex and dramatic. Snerk. Her lack of white wine makes her sauce unbalanced, and while she's fussing over that, her seafood overcooks. Jenz' chile rellenos look nasty. The breading is falling off in big, chunky wads. Time runs out before Robin can plate her sauce. She's embarrassed, but relieved that she's got immunity.
Commercials. Don't buy an expensive toothbrush! Buy this $15 one!
Dinner. The Black team comes out and presents their food to Padma, Ptom, Gail, and Wolfgang Puck. Mike's vice is a bad temper and foul mouth, and he's made olive oil-poached halibut formed like a bar of soap that his mother would have washed his mouth out with. It's served on top of eggplant puree. Okay, I don't like him, but that is very clever, and looks good to boot. Eli has tried to work in arrogance and bitterness by making "buttered" scotch with scallops, cashews, and beer powder. I'm not sure what beer powder is, and I'm getting weary of the overuse of scallops these days, but all right. Ashley's vice is alcohol. In fact, just assume that all of these people's vices include alcohol in some capacity. Her dish is chicken liver ravioli with a red wine demi-glace, so she gets the honor of having the first dish that actively makes me want to dive into the television screen head-first to get at her food. Hector's vice is smoking, so he's smoked some rib eye in the deep fryer, and serves it with carrot puree and celery ceviche.
The chefs are dismissed and the judges tuck in. Eli's scallops are good, but overworked. Hector's method of deep-frying totally mystifies everyone. Mike has shown experience and focus. Ashley is completely ignored.
Blue team. Bryan has made strip steak with a parsnip puree and a bourbon reduction caramel. Mattin is stubborn, so he's made buffalo rib eye with Madeira sauce. There are some zucchini-wrapped mashed potatoes on the side. I'm not sure what that has to do with stubbornness, but maybe something was lost in the translation. Jenc says her vice is alcohol, and that she tends to do a lot of stupid things after a lot of it.
Timiffany: "So does Padma."
Jenc has made halibut poached in a variety of liquors, served with a black peppercorn sauce. Jesse's vice is excess, and has given the judges the entire chicken, which is a smart idea. It's been braised in a whiskey reduction, and is served with Yukon potatoes and a fried egg. Hmm, I'm not sure about that egg. Robin says that she's a bad Jew, so pork is her vice. Holla, sister! She says she attempted to make pork five ways, such as a pork tenderloin stuffed with chorizo. Mmmm. She's saddened to tell the judges that her gastrique didn't make it onto the plate. They're dismissed. The judges like Bryan's steak, but I'm happy to see that the judges (and by extension perhaps people who matter in the food world) are getting sick of purees under every goddamn thing. Jenc's sauce is great, and Wolfgang proclaims that they wouldn't be able to find a better piece of halibut anywhere else in Vegas. I have to say, I know Vegas is home to some amazing feats of food, but last time I was there, LabRat and I went to what was supposedly an amazing sushi place, and agreed that we get better sushi here in St. Louis. Geography isn't everything. Jesse's chicken was dry. Mattin's meat was nice, but the sides made no sense, and he didn't show much personality in his food.
Green team. Ash has made poached halibut. What's with all the poached halibut tonight? Was there a sale? His is served on a vegetable ratatouille and parsley coulis. Jenz' chile relleno still looks kind of gross, and is served on grilled tomatillo salsa. Ron's "vice" is an inability to let his hellish month-long journey from Haiti go, so he's prepared jerked sea bass with collard greens and a Haitian hash.
Limecrete: "Topped with a demi-glace of his tears."
Laurine serves bacon donuts with both a chocolate sauce and a beer sauce. The chefs are dismissed. Ron's dish was a bit fussy, but the judges tap dance a bit to avoid overly-criticizing a man who just spilled his soul. Jenz' chile relleno was flavorless and clunky. Laurine's sauces were good, but her donuts are like golf balls. Wolfgang's colorful descriptions crack Ptom up. Ash isn't discussed.
Red team. Michael describes his homage to plastic surgery with a rack of lamb and coconut sauce with cauliflower gnocchi. Preeti has braised pork tenderloin with bourbon and yes, there's another goddamn puree underneath it, this one of sweet potato. Eve spins her story of wanting to be less complicated, then presents her plate of shrimp and scallops in a curry cream sauce. Kevin describes his portrayal of procrastination through the slow-cooked Arctic char with a turnip salsa verde and celery salad. They're dismissed. The judges love Kevin's food and his techniques. Eve's was blah. Michael had some good flavors and good presentation.
Commercials. Jennifer Aniston is in a paint-by-numbers romantic comedy. Try to contain your shock.
Judges' Table. The chefs have their usual fret 'n sweat back in the Kitchen. Jenz describes her dish to Mike, who has never heard of seitan, and once he's told what it involves, looks like he wishes he still hasn't. Padma comes back and summons Ron, Mike, Kevin, and Jenc to the table. She tries to imbue her tone with grievous importance, but once they leave, Ash immediately pegs the four of them as the winning group. Indeed, they each have the best dish of their group. Mike's fish was well-seasoned and focused. Wolfgang gives Jenc's halibut effusive praise, and kids her about her drinking. She blushes hardcore. Ron's island flavors came through well. Kevin executed everything really well. Wolfgang gets to announce the winner, which is... Kevin. Jenc comes over to hug him, which was nice. Padma sends them back to summon the losers.
Kevin's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. Ron tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Hector, Jenz, Jesse, and Eve. Everyone wishes them luck. The Odd Asian music is strangely absent, though our old friend the Gong sticks around to announce their entrance into the dining room. Hector didn't have enough smoke flavor, and his method of deep-frying the steak was questionable. He explains that he wanted a crunchy outside with caramelized fat. I've heard worse reasoning. Eve's sauce tasted like it had no seasoning whatsoever.
Eve: "I actually toned it down a little bit, to be aaaaaahnest."
Limecrete: "Aaaaaahnest?"
LabRat: "Oh, my God. She's got to be from Michigan. That is pure Michigan."
Tim: "Let me see... Yep. Ann Arbor, Michigan."
LabRat: "Gah! I knew it!"
LabRat went to grad school in Michigan, and his opinion of its residents... Let's just say it's strong. Anyhow, Eve blathers something nonsensical, up to a Jill level of utter lack of comprehension, and perhaps even a bit beyond. Everything on her plate gets a big thumbs down. Jenz' food was unrefined, and Gail didn't get any of the heat she was going for. Unlike Eve, who accepted her criticisms meekly, Jenz disagrees with the judges. She says that she's made this same exact dish before with much better feedback. The judges ask her about her use of the much-discussed seitan. Jenz clearly enjoys it, though nobody else did. Jesse had a good idea, but her chicken was dried out. Jesse understands exactly what she did wrong, and almost bursts into tears at what is really a pretty mild critique. I don't sense her sticking around for long. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Gail was happy to see that most of the losing chefs harbored no delusions about why they were in the bottom. Jesse had a good idea, and only a minor problem of execution. Hector had bad execution, but at least had some imagination. Ptom also thinks he had stiffer competition in a very strong Black team. Jenz' pepper wasn't cooked properly or seasoned properly. Eve's shrimp was hideously overcooked, she didn't season one thing correctly, and she had no overall concept. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Hector didn't smoke his meat well. Eve's a mess from top to bottom. Jenz' idea didn't come across, and her dish plain sucked. Jesse's chicken was dry. Ptom says the decision as to who is first to go is always a difficult one. Really? I would think this first round would be the easiest to judge. There's always at least a couple of chefs who are clearly out of their depth. Speaking of which, let's go over to Padma for the chop. Jenz. Please pack your knives and go. Interesting. I really thought it would be Eve. Terrible as Jenz' dish seemed to be, she at least had a concept. Jesse gives her a commiserating squeeze on the way out of the dining room. Jenz interviews that she didn't think she'd go this early, and that she just tried to do something different to stand out. Well, if that was her goal, I'd say she met it.
This season on Top Chef: Cooking. Yelling. Tattoos. Weird-ass challenges. Weird-ass guest judges. Fighting. Misuse of the word literally.
Overall Grade: B+
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Psycho Killer - Qu'est-ce que C'est?
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 13
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
We start off with a flashback to sixteen years ago, when Harper's Island was always sun-dappled. Young Abby and Young Henry have a friendly spar over a soccer ball. Henry's "parents" come to pick him up, along with Young JD. The Dunns are heading back to the mainland to get the boys ready for school. Valerie Harper enters, and the two women exchange meaningful looks. Young Henry and Young Abby run out of the house and down to the water. They're both sad that Young Henry has to leave, and Young Abby leans forward and whispers something in his ear. He ruefully hands over the soccer ball, and tells Young Abby he'll see her next summer.
The present. Ain't no sun-dappling now. Henry and Wakefield stand over Trish's body. Henry has a slight tinge of regret, but strengthens his resolve when Wakefield tells him Trish served her purpose and that nothing else matters. Wakefield reports on Danny's death and Shea and Madison's escape. That's all the conversation they have time for, as they hear Abby hysterically calling for Henry. Henry tells Wakefield that they only have a couple of hours before the Coast Guard shows up, so they'd better get cracking on killing everyone else.
MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison make it to the boathouse, where they tell Blond Tool what happened at the police station. After he has a completely understandable freakout, he collects himself enough to contact the Coast Guard again to let them know that they really need to hurry if they'd like to find more than a stack of corpses. They're still fighting bad weather, so the rescue chopper can't take off. How about some boats, Coast Guard? Speaking of which, Blond Tool spots some mini-crafts lashed to the ceiling. MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy stumble across Trish's body. Henry and Wakefield spy on them from the woods, and Wakefield tells Henry that it's time to kill Abby.
MEANWHILE, Blond Tool sends Shea and Madison off in a speedboat towards the mainland, nobly choosing to remain behind to help the others. It's the last episode, so I'm afraid no amount of nobility can shake the nickname now; it's too ingrained. Elsewhere, Jimmy convinces Abby that it may be in their best interest to head back towards the boathouse. Blond Tool reports to the Coast Guard about picking up Shea and Madison's boat. Henry enters in time to hear about Shea and Madison's escape and that the Coast Guard should arrive within the hour. Henry inspects a gun before handing it over to Blond Tool. Then the two of them leave to round up whoever they can before meeting the Coast Guard at the marina.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield drags Trish through the woods. Henry and Blond Tool wander their way through the woods as well, and since they're alone, Henry's got an opportunity to make another checkmark on the Kill Everyone On the Island To-Do List. First, he's got to spout a lot of claptrap about how Wakefield's kid has a lot to be pissed about, because oh-my-God, he was adopted by an upper middle class family. Can you think of any greater hell? Blond Tool, to his credit, doesn't accept "being adopted" as a legitimate motive for serial murder.
MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy continue their trend of showing up places moments after everyone has left. Jimmy notices the missing speedboat. He grabs a couple of flares and hears from the radio operator at the Coast Guard that Henry and Blond Tool have headed for the marina. That doesn't explain the missing boat, but Abby and Jimmy don't really have time to think about that right now.
MEANWHILE, Henry is tired of wearing his good-guy mask, so he admits to Blond Tool that he killed Trish and JD, saying that Abby almost caught him doing the latter. All that blood makes more sense now. Just as the truth sinks into Blond Tool, Henry lists his other murders: The reverend, Richard, and Katherine. Wait, wasn't he having sex on top of his wedding cake when the reverend was murdered? And wasn't he playing grave robber with Abby and the sheriff when Richard was killed? See, this is why every good murder mystery needs how-I-did-it flashbacks. Katherine makes more sense, anyway -- Henry did have those shears. He also reveals that the money Uncle Marty brought was to invest in Malcolm's brewery. That doesn't really explain the gun Uncle Marty also brought, but whatever. Blond Tool has heard enough to pull the trigger, but of course Henry was the one who gave him the gun, which isn't loaded anymore. Henry distracts Blond Tool with Wakefield's presence, which gives Henry the chance to stab him to death. So long, Blond Tool! I hope there are a bunch of slutty girls in heaven!
Abby and Jimmy find Henry in the woods. He lies about looking for Trish, saying that he hasn't seen anyone else. Abby is too upset about having to inform Henry of Trish's death to have caught the lie. It gets even more convoluted when they return to the scene of Trish's body, which is no longer there, thanks to Wakefield. Henry runs off in faux-hysteria, leading Abby and Jimmy to the church. An unattended radio at the boathouse informs the air that the rescue chopper will be there in twenty minutes. Jimmy tells Abby that he'd never leave her alone, the way Henry left Trish. Leaving aside all the Henry-is-the-killer facts, it's easy to say that now. From what I've seen, Abby and Jimmy were separated plenty. Anyhow, they all enter the church to find Trish's body on the altar. Abby barely has time to express sympathy before Wakefield shows up and attacks. Jimmy fights him off. Abby hears the chopper and Jimmy yells for her to go and signal it with the flares. Wakefield calls to Henry that she's getting away, which of course sells Henry out, not that it matters now.
Jimmy grabs the other flare, lights it, and shoves it into Wakefield, which doesn't do any more harm than the bullets to the face did. It does at least give Jimmy time to run away. Oh, and the church is on fire now. Henry takes a shot at Jimmy, but we don't see if it hits or not. Henry runs out to catch Abby, and tells her that Wakefield got Jimmy. He also asks where they're supposed to meet the Coast Guard, which keys Abby in to Henry's lie. The Coast Guard told her that they had sent Henry and Blond Tool to the marina, but Henry said he hadn't seen anyone when they found him in the woods. As she processes this, Wakefield strolls up behind her and Henry unfolds his knife. He lunges forward, pushes Abby aside, and plunges the knife into his father's chest. Wakefield has run out of his seemingly endless supply of lives, and though he takes about an hour to drop, he finally does. Abby finally puts everything together, but not fast enough, and Henry grabs her and throws her to the ground, knocking her out.
MEANWHILE, on the mainland, Shea and Madison are conferring with the authorities. Madison makes sure to get in one last creepy brat plug before being escorted out so an agent can tell Shea that everyone she knew on the island died there in the big church fire. They know that because of some trace blood samples left behind. You know, because fire completely wipes out the entire body. Twits. The agent tells Shea that other than a handful of locals (which I guess includes the psychic and the annoying coroner), she and Madison are the sole survivors.
MEANWHILE, back on the island, the FBI packs up and leaves. Abby awakes to find herself in an eerily well-appointed bedroom, with fresh clothes laid out on a nearby table. She comes downstairs to find a jittery Henry, who promises to explain everything. He tells her he chose her over Wakefield. She, weirdly, doesn't explode with gratitude, but throws a glass at him and runs to another room, where she shuts herself in. He calls through the door that he can wait for her to calm down, as they've got all the time in the world, the way they hoped they would when they were kids. We flash back to Young Abby and Young Henry again, and hear what Young Abby whispered in his ear. She wishes the two of them could stay on Harper's Island together forever, just the two of them. And since Henry is kookypants, I guess he took that to mean slaughter everyone else.
After he's left her alone, Abby busts a picture frame and grabs a shard of glass to use as a weapon. She comes downstairs to yell at Henry, telling him he can't pin what he's done on her, and that's he sick and needs help. Good Lord, is she still pushing the Save the Psycho agenda? Cause that didn't work out too well when she spared Wakefield. She asks about Trish, and Henry says the wedding was the only way he could think of to get Abby back to the island. OK, but then why throw a big production of a destination wedding instead of just writing Abby and saying that he was having a small, private wedding back on the island? It certainly would have been less work for him and Wakefield. I guess that'd make for a short series, though. Abby points out that she and Henry are half-siblings, but that doesn't stand in the way of his crazy love. We finally get a how-I-did-it flashback of sorts, but unfortunately, it's more of a how-I-became-crazy flashback.
Henry met Wakefield the day of the original killing spree, when Valerie Harper was killed. They had some moronic instant connection, and then we skip forward in time, because they can't explain how Wakefield survived when everyone else thought he was dead, or why Henry just wrote off the entire experience until Wakefield found him later. It was at this second meeting that Wakefield revealed to Henry that he was his father. That knowledge, along with some latent batch of crazy, turned Henry into what he is today. Wakefield took Henry on the serial murder field trip on the mainland that the sheriff was tracking. He tells Abby that unlike Wakefield, he won't destroy the one he loves. I suppose that's a small step forward. If he and Abby ever have kids, maybe they could take another step forward and not kill all of their friends.
Abby's heard enough, and grabs what I think is a telescope. She bashes out the glass in the patio door, and sprints for the nearby utility shed. Why she heads there instead of trying to get as far from the house as possible is beyond me. Oh, because she's got Jimmy-radar up her ass, and finds him alive, bound, and gagged in the shed. Henry pops in and grabs her, dragging her back to the house. He tells her he wasn't supposed to find Jimmy, and that as far as the world's concerned, all of them died in the church fire. Abby asks why Jimmy is still alive, and Henry intimates that because Shea and Madison made it off the island, everyone knows that someone was helping Wakefield. Jimmy is alive to be set up as the patsy. I don't get to say "patsy" nearly enough. Abby tries to run again, but Henry is ready for her now. He grabs her and locks her in a room, then sets off to make Jimmy sign a false confession. Abby tries to pick the lock, without much success.
Later, Henry comes in and tells her Jimmy won't sign the confession unless he gets to say good-bye to Abby. He leads her to the shed. Jimmy is still bound and gagged. Hey, why is he gagged? It's not like there's anyone around to hear him. Henry tells her to say good-bye. She approaches Jimmy, and apologizes for leaving all those years ago. She pulls the gag off and kisses him, which Henry doesn't stand for. He walks up and pulls her off, then slaps the shit out of her when she says she loves Jimmy. He's immediately upset about that, and now that Jimmy's ungagged, he's able to distract Henry long enough for Abby to pick up a sharp implement and plunge it into Henry's foot. I'll be generous, and assume that she was aiming for his heart and just missed by a country mile, rather than yell at her AGAIN for failing to take out a psycho killer when she had the chance. She runs out the door. Henry, after pausing to grab another sharp implement, is in hot pursuit.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy takes the pick that Abby slipped him when they kissed, and sets to work on freeing himself. Henry yells to Abby that anyone else on the island is miles away. Wait, so those surviving locals are still around? They didn't go to the mainland with the FBI? They're just waiting around, presumably waiting for the grocery store to reopen or whatever? Jeez. Henry eventually traps Abby at the top of a steep slope, and swears he'd never hurt her, hurling the implement over the cliff. Abby screams that she doesn't want to be with Henry, just in time for Jimmy to show up and tackle him. Both of them fall off the slope down to the rocky shore beneath. Abby rushes down to tend to Jimmy. She sees on his face that something's coming up behind her, and for once, she has the presence of mind to grab that sharp implement that Henry abandoned, swings around, and runs Henry completely through. He manages to tell her he loves her before dropping dead. We exit on a pre-ferry video in which the dearly departed wish Henry and Trish much love and luck in their marriage. Except for Non-Entity Beth, of course. Jimmy and Abby have been rescued by the Coast Guard, and return to the mainland to live in peace and love each other and have severe psychological trauma for the rest of their lives. Congrats, you two!
Overall Grade: C
Overall Season Grade: B+
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
We start off with a flashback to sixteen years ago, when Harper's Island was always sun-dappled. Young Abby and Young Henry have a friendly spar over a soccer ball. Henry's "parents" come to pick him up, along with Young JD. The Dunns are heading back to the mainland to get the boys ready for school. Valerie Harper enters, and the two women exchange meaningful looks. Young Henry and Young Abby run out of the house and down to the water. They're both sad that Young Henry has to leave, and Young Abby leans forward and whispers something in his ear. He ruefully hands over the soccer ball, and tells Young Abby he'll see her next summer.
The present. Ain't no sun-dappling now. Henry and Wakefield stand over Trish's body. Henry has a slight tinge of regret, but strengthens his resolve when Wakefield tells him Trish served her purpose and that nothing else matters. Wakefield reports on Danny's death and Shea and Madison's escape. That's all the conversation they have time for, as they hear Abby hysterically calling for Henry. Henry tells Wakefield that they only have a couple of hours before the Coast Guard shows up, so they'd better get cracking on killing everyone else.
MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison make it to the boathouse, where they tell Blond Tool what happened at the police station. After he has a completely understandable freakout, he collects himself enough to contact the Coast Guard again to let them know that they really need to hurry if they'd like to find more than a stack of corpses. They're still fighting bad weather, so the rescue chopper can't take off. How about some boats, Coast Guard? Speaking of which, Blond Tool spots some mini-crafts lashed to the ceiling. MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy stumble across Trish's body. Henry and Wakefield spy on them from the woods, and Wakefield tells Henry that it's time to kill Abby.
MEANWHILE, Blond Tool sends Shea and Madison off in a speedboat towards the mainland, nobly choosing to remain behind to help the others. It's the last episode, so I'm afraid no amount of nobility can shake the nickname now; it's too ingrained. Elsewhere, Jimmy convinces Abby that it may be in their best interest to head back towards the boathouse. Blond Tool reports to the Coast Guard about picking up Shea and Madison's boat. Henry enters in time to hear about Shea and Madison's escape and that the Coast Guard should arrive within the hour. Henry inspects a gun before handing it over to Blond Tool. Then the two of them leave to round up whoever they can before meeting the Coast Guard at the marina.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield drags Trish through the woods. Henry and Blond Tool wander their way through the woods as well, and since they're alone, Henry's got an opportunity to make another checkmark on the Kill Everyone On the Island To-Do List. First, he's got to spout a lot of claptrap about how Wakefield's kid has a lot to be pissed about, because oh-my-God, he was adopted by an upper middle class family. Can you think of any greater hell? Blond Tool, to his credit, doesn't accept "being adopted" as a legitimate motive for serial murder.
MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy continue their trend of showing up places moments after everyone has left. Jimmy notices the missing speedboat. He grabs a couple of flares and hears from the radio operator at the Coast Guard that Henry and Blond Tool have headed for the marina. That doesn't explain the missing boat, but Abby and Jimmy don't really have time to think about that right now.
MEANWHILE, Henry is tired of wearing his good-guy mask, so he admits to Blond Tool that he killed Trish and JD, saying that Abby almost caught him doing the latter. All that blood makes more sense now. Just as the truth sinks into Blond Tool, Henry lists his other murders: The reverend, Richard, and Katherine. Wait, wasn't he having sex on top of his wedding cake when the reverend was murdered? And wasn't he playing grave robber with Abby and the sheriff when Richard was killed? See, this is why every good murder mystery needs how-I-did-it flashbacks. Katherine makes more sense, anyway -- Henry did have those shears. He also reveals that the money Uncle Marty brought was to invest in Malcolm's brewery. That doesn't really explain the gun Uncle Marty also brought, but whatever. Blond Tool has heard enough to pull the trigger, but of course Henry was the one who gave him the gun, which isn't loaded anymore. Henry distracts Blond Tool with Wakefield's presence, which gives Henry the chance to stab him to death. So long, Blond Tool! I hope there are a bunch of slutty girls in heaven!
Abby and Jimmy find Henry in the woods. He lies about looking for Trish, saying that he hasn't seen anyone else. Abby is too upset about having to inform Henry of Trish's death to have caught the lie. It gets even more convoluted when they return to the scene of Trish's body, which is no longer there, thanks to Wakefield. Henry runs off in faux-hysteria, leading Abby and Jimmy to the church. An unattended radio at the boathouse informs the air that the rescue chopper will be there in twenty minutes. Jimmy tells Abby that he'd never leave her alone, the way Henry left Trish. Leaving aside all the Henry-is-the-killer facts, it's easy to say that now. From what I've seen, Abby and Jimmy were separated plenty. Anyhow, they all enter the church to find Trish's body on the altar. Abby barely has time to express sympathy before Wakefield shows up and attacks. Jimmy fights him off. Abby hears the chopper and Jimmy yells for her to go and signal it with the flares. Wakefield calls to Henry that she's getting away, which of course sells Henry out, not that it matters now.
Jimmy grabs the other flare, lights it, and shoves it into Wakefield, which doesn't do any more harm than the bullets to the face did. It does at least give Jimmy time to run away. Oh, and the church is on fire now. Henry takes a shot at Jimmy, but we don't see if it hits or not. Henry runs out to catch Abby, and tells her that Wakefield got Jimmy. He also asks where they're supposed to meet the Coast Guard, which keys Abby in to Henry's lie. The Coast Guard told her that they had sent Henry and Blond Tool to the marina, but Henry said he hadn't seen anyone when they found him in the woods. As she processes this, Wakefield strolls up behind her and Henry unfolds his knife. He lunges forward, pushes Abby aside, and plunges the knife into his father's chest. Wakefield has run out of his seemingly endless supply of lives, and though he takes about an hour to drop, he finally does. Abby finally puts everything together, but not fast enough, and Henry grabs her and throws her to the ground, knocking her out.
MEANWHILE, on the mainland, Shea and Madison are conferring with the authorities. Madison makes sure to get in one last creepy brat plug before being escorted out so an agent can tell Shea that everyone she knew on the island died there in the big church fire. They know that because of some trace blood samples left behind. You know, because fire completely wipes out the entire body. Twits. The agent tells Shea that other than a handful of locals (which I guess includes the psychic and the annoying coroner), she and Madison are the sole survivors.
MEANWHILE, back on the island, the FBI packs up and leaves. Abby awakes to find herself in an eerily well-appointed bedroom, with fresh clothes laid out on a nearby table. She comes downstairs to find a jittery Henry, who promises to explain everything. He tells her he chose her over Wakefield. She, weirdly, doesn't explode with gratitude, but throws a glass at him and runs to another room, where she shuts herself in. He calls through the door that he can wait for her to calm down, as they've got all the time in the world, the way they hoped they would when they were kids. We flash back to Young Abby and Young Henry again, and hear what Young Abby whispered in his ear. She wishes the two of them could stay on Harper's Island together forever, just the two of them. And since Henry is kookypants, I guess he took that to mean slaughter everyone else.
After he's left her alone, Abby busts a picture frame and grabs a shard of glass to use as a weapon. She comes downstairs to yell at Henry, telling him he can't pin what he's done on her, and that's he sick and needs help. Good Lord, is she still pushing the Save the Psycho agenda? Cause that didn't work out too well when she spared Wakefield. She asks about Trish, and Henry says the wedding was the only way he could think of to get Abby back to the island. OK, but then why throw a big production of a destination wedding instead of just writing Abby and saying that he was having a small, private wedding back on the island? It certainly would have been less work for him and Wakefield. I guess that'd make for a short series, though. Abby points out that she and Henry are half-siblings, but that doesn't stand in the way of his crazy love. We finally get a how-I-did-it flashback of sorts, but unfortunately, it's more of a how-I-became-crazy flashback.
Henry met Wakefield the day of the original killing spree, when Valerie Harper was killed. They had some moronic instant connection, and then we skip forward in time, because they can't explain how Wakefield survived when everyone else thought he was dead, or why Henry just wrote off the entire experience until Wakefield found him later. It was at this second meeting that Wakefield revealed to Henry that he was his father. That knowledge, along with some latent batch of crazy, turned Henry into what he is today. Wakefield took Henry on the serial murder field trip on the mainland that the sheriff was tracking. He tells Abby that unlike Wakefield, he won't destroy the one he loves. I suppose that's a small step forward. If he and Abby ever have kids, maybe they could take another step forward and not kill all of their friends.
Abby's heard enough, and grabs what I think is a telescope. She bashes out the glass in the patio door, and sprints for the nearby utility shed. Why she heads there instead of trying to get as far from the house as possible is beyond me. Oh, because she's got Jimmy-radar up her ass, and finds him alive, bound, and gagged in the shed. Henry pops in and grabs her, dragging her back to the house. He tells her he wasn't supposed to find Jimmy, and that as far as the world's concerned, all of them died in the church fire. Abby asks why Jimmy is still alive, and Henry intimates that because Shea and Madison made it off the island, everyone knows that someone was helping Wakefield. Jimmy is alive to be set up as the patsy. I don't get to say "patsy" nearly enough. Abby tries to run again, but Henry is ready for her now. He grabs her and locks her in a room, then sets off to make Jimmy sign a false confession. Abby tries to pick the lock, without much success.
Later, Henry comes in and tells her Jimmy won't sign the confession unless he gets to say good-bye to Abby. He leads her to the shed. Jimmy is still bound and gagged. Hey, why is he gagged? It's not like there's anyone around to hear him. Henry tells her to say good-bye. She approaches Jimmy, and apologizes for leaving all those years ago. She pulls the gag off and kisses him, which Henry doesn't stand for. He walks up and pulls her off, then slaps the shit out of her when she says she loves Jimmy. He's immediately upset about that, and now that Jimmy's ungagged, he's able to distract Henry long enough for Abby to pick up a sharp implement and plunge it into Henry's foot. I'll be generous, and assume that she was aiming for his heart and just missed by a country mile, rather than yell at her AGAIN for failing to take out a psycho killer when she had the chance. She runs out the door. Henry, after pausing to grab another sharp implement, is in hot pursuit.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy takes the pick that Abby slipped him when they kissed, and sets to work on freeing himself. Henry yells to Abby that anyone else on the island is miles away. Wait, so those surviving locals are still around? They didn't go to the mainland with the FBI? They're just waiting around, presumably waiting for the grocery store to reopen or whatever? Jeez. Henry eventually traps Abby at the top of a steep slope, and swears he'd never hurt her, hurling the implement over the cliff. Abby screams that she doesn't want to be with Henry, just in time for Jimmy to show up and tackle him. Both of them fall off the slope down to the rocky shore beneath. Abby rushes down to tend to Jimmy. She sees on his face that something's coming up behind her, and for once, she has the presence of mind to grab that sharp implement that Henry abandoned, swings around, and runs Henry completely through. He manages to tell her he loves her before dropping dead. We exit on a pre-ferry video in which the dearly departed wish Henry and Trish much love and luck in their marriage. Except for Non-Entity Beth, of course. Jimmy and Abby have been rescued by the Coast Guard, and return to the mainland to live in peace and love each other and have severe psychological trauma for the rest of their lives. Congrats, you two!
Overall Grade: C
Overall Season Grade: B+
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Oh, Henry
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 12
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Wakefield is now content to wander around the woods. As are Henry and Abby. As are Danny and Blond Tool. Blond Tool thinks they'll cover more ground if they split up. Danny is sensibly not thrilled with this plan, but allows himself to be swayed.
MEANWHILE, Trish wakes up in the car, but Jimmy is nowhere to be seen. He startles her by popping up at her window and announcing that he saw a ship. She asks him where, and he tells her he went walking on the bluffs about a quarter mile away. OK, so either Jimmy is the second killer or he's a red herring. If he's the killer, I don't see why he didn't murder Trish while she was sleeping, but that's his prerogative. On the other hand, if he's not a killer, it was incredibly stupid and callous of him to leave her sleeping and alone out in the open. Trish is naturally offended, and asks him if he just abandoned her. He ignores her, and fishes some flares out of the car to signal the ship. The promise of a rescue overrides the insult, and Trish follows Jimmy towards the bluffs.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield spots Danny tromping through the woods. He runs to attack with his spear, but Blond Tool pops out of the woods and shoots him in the head. Wakefield, apparently composed of the same material as the Terminators, is wounded but alive. Sure, who isn't able to shrug off a shotgun blast to the face? Abby and Henry hear the shot, and head in that direction. It becomes apparent that the whole split-up idea was bait to lure Wakefield out. Score one for Blond Tool. That one point is immediately taken away when he and Danny just stand there with their guns trained on the squirming Wakefield. Hello? Guys? This man has murdered all of your dearest friends, and has proven to be extremely slippery. I don't think law enforcement would punish you too harshly for finishing him off, especially after all the cops he's killed. Blond Tool offers the kill to Abby, but she's unable to take the shot. She bashes him unconscious, instead. I guess we're supposed to conclude that she's a Good Person Who Won't Sink To The Murderer's Level, but to me, it's reckless and almost criminally negligent.
The commercial break gives the characters enough time for someone to conclude that it might be wise to kill Wakefield. Blond Tool is all for it, but Danny says that it's not their job. No, it's the police force's job. Why don't we ask the sheriff to arrest him? How about that deputy in the cellblock? The two cops from the mainland? Deputy Burnface McGee? Again, we're supposed to think the characters who want Wakefield to presumably go to trial are noble, but honestly, they're just being dumb. Henry and Abby agree with Danny, so Blond Tool is outvoted, and must go along with the plan to tie Wakefield up and hold him until more police arrive. Wakefield is up and about now. I guess those shotgun shells were made of pudding.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Trish get to the bluffs, and the ship Jimmy claimed to have seen is nowhere. Trish walks up to the very edge of the cliff. Back in the woods, Wakefield is tied up with a couple of belts. Abby beats herself up for not following through on her father's explicit instructions to kill Wakefield. She doesn't beat herself up enough. Everyone teleports over to the police station, and steps past the deputy's corpse so that Henry can lock Wakefield in a cell. He then goes to collect Trish and Jimmy, while Abby volunteers to go get Shea and Madison. Henry suggests meeting back at the police station. Danny, once again the timid voice of reason, doesn't think that's the best idea, but backs down yet again when Henry assures him that Wakefield is safely locked away. He and Trish leave, and Blond Tool heads back to the cellblock over Danny's objections. Blond Tool tases Wakefield, which causes him more pain than the bullet to the face did.
MEANWHILE, Henry reaches the empty car at the tunnel entrance. Abby, Shea, and Madison get back to the police station without incident. Madison gets back to being a creepy brat. She's been out of practice, lately, so she goes for double duty by sneaking back to look at Wakefield. Henry arrives, and announces that he couldn't find Jimmy and Trish. Nobody's too panicked, as Wakefield hasn't had any opportunity to get over to that area, but Shea realizes that leaving Trish alone with Jimmy wasn't perhaps the best idea. She reports what she and Madison found in the sheriff's attic. Nobody has time to absorb this before Madison pops back in to tell Abby that Wakefield wants to talk to her.
Abby goes back to the cell, and she and Wakefield have a fairly cryptic conversation about his motives. She wonders why he's still killing if the objects of his revenge are dead, and he wonders if Valerie Harper really loved the sheriff. He never really answers the first question, and of course she's biased in the matter of the second. MEANWHILE, in the front room, the others are making a case for Jimmy being the second killer. He survived the marina explosion, Wakefield delivered him alive to the bar (where he miraculously survived the bloodbath), and he knows his way around head spades. Shea points out that Jimmy doesn't really have much of a connection with most of the victims, but Henry and Blond Tool think the whole thing may be an elaborate plan to punish Abby.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield and Abby blah about Valerie Harper giving up Wakefield's kid, but keeping Abby. If we're going to start getting around to motives here, it'd be great if they were lifted from something better than Scream 3. Just as Henry gets ready to go look for Trish and Jimmy, Jimmy bursts into the office. He reports that Trish slipped and fell at the bluffs. Suspicious eyes are all fixed on him, and Henry relieves him of his gun. Abby and Wakefield bicker about Valerie Harper's worth as a mother, and Abby asks how Wakefield even knows Valerie had his child. Wakefield responds that he found him. Crap, it's a "him"? There goes my Trish theory. The commotion from the outer office distracts Abby, and she rushes out to find Henry ready to attack. Everyone reaches a consensus in which Jimmy, Henry, Abby, and Blond Tool will go to help Trish, but if she's not there, Jimmy's in big trouble. They teleport over to the bluffs and start looking around.
MEANWHILE, Danny rustles up what grub he can for Shea, Madison, and himself. Madison is hungry enough to eat a cherry Pop-Tart (ew), but says that she also got some food when she was imprisoned in the tunnel. Shea asks if Wakefield fed her, and Madison says that no, somebody else brought them food. Shea's all "Whaaaaa?", and asks why Madison didn't think to mention that two people were keeping her captive. Seriously. I know she's a kid, but she's not four. So now Danny and Shea know there's an accomplice, much good it does everyone now. MEANWHILE, at the bluffs, there's no sign of Trish, and Henry and Blond Tool are ready to shoot Jimmy. Abby intercedes.
So after a few tense moments, Abby is making some progress on cooling down Henry and Blond Tool, and she's helped tremendously by Trish appearing at the top of the bluffs. Everyone rushes up to tend to her, and she admits she lost her footing and fell. She's all right though, and even better, she's discovered a boathouse with a radio inside. They all head there, and while Jimmy and Blond Tool try to reach the Coast Guard, Abby and Henry fill Trish in on their suspicions of Jimmy. Trish reiterates that her fall off the bluffs was an accident. The Coast Guard responds to the distress call, and Trish reports on Wakefield's killing spree and capture. The Coast Guard says that some bad weather on their end may hold up rescue crews, but it shouldn't be more than four hours. Everyone's relieved. Blond Tool says he'll stay with the radio, while Henry and Trish head back to the inn to get her some dry clothes. Abby and Jimmy will go back to the station to let the others know what has happened. Jimmy's still not entirely free of suspicion, but Abby's all gooey for him, so she's content to stick with him.
Back at the inn, Trish takes a hot shower, then goes to get dressed. When Henry returns with everyone's luggage, he finds her wearing her wedding dress. They smooch. MEANWHILE, back at the station, Danny chats with Madison about Wakefield, who's busy wriggling out of his oh-so-well-constructed belt bonds. MEANWHILE, in the woods, Jimmy admits to Abby that he got in some fights when she left, and was unfortunately in the vicinity when someone got killed in Seattle, but he was never considered a real suspect. He confesses that he once swore to get even with Abby for leaving him, but that all those feelings melted away when she got back to Harper's Island, and now he's not full of anything but ooey, gooey love. That's nice and everything, but it's not like Abby abandoned him. Her father practically shot her off the island out of a cannon; it wasn't her choice. They smooch.
MEANWHILE, back at the station, Danny and Madison are playing cards and discussing the intricacies of the Hansel and Gretel story. It's a worthy conversation, though not as compelling as Miranda Hobbes' thoughts on the matter. Unfortunately, it's interrupted by Wakefield entering and starting to strangle Danny with a belt, possibly his own. So, Danny... How do you feel about waiting for a jury of Wakefield's peers to get around to convicting him now? He manages to fight Wakefield off long enough to allow Shea and Madison time to escape, but cannot escape his doom forever, and Wakefield impales his head on one of those message-collecting spike thingies that's always killing people on TV. Sorry, Danny. You were a good egg, but you should have shot when you had the chance.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry snuggle on the bed. There's a knock at the door, but nobody enters when Henry calls out. He peeks out of the door with the gun, but doesn't see anything. Deciding to investigate, he tells Trish to lock herself in. MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Abby hear a noise in the woods, which turns out to be the fleeing Shea and Madison. Funny on an island with room for a bar and an inn and a marina and a crazy-old-man shack and a church and a party beach and a canyon and a bunch of locals' homes, none of which can be seen from any of the others, people are always stumbling across each other in the woods. Shea reports what has happened at the police station, and Abby sends them to meet up with Blond Tool at the radio station.
MEANWHILE, at the inn, Wakefield bursts in the door. Trish runs for it, which is no small feat when one is wearing a wedding dress and no shoes. She barricades herself in the bathroom, giving her enough time to bash out a window and jump. She runs into the woods, leaving a confusing and upsetting scene for Abby and Jimmy to find when they arrive at the inn. Wakefield pursues Trish through the woods, but cannot catch her before she finds Henry. Her relief soon turns to horror when we all finally find out who Wakefield's accomplice is. Not Trish herself, as was my first guess. Not Maggie, who's busy being dead and who was just a fun longshot for me. Not Booth, who I guess really was stupid enough to accidentally kill himself. Not Jimmy, to Grouchbutt's consternation. No, it's Henry. This knowledge doesn't do Trish an enormous amount of good, as Henry stabs her to death a few moments later. Huh, I guess being seen in your wedding dress before the ceremony really is bad luck. Wakefield catches up, and Henry greets him as his father. It's so nice when a father and son can bond over similar interests.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Wakefield is now content to wander around the woods. As are Henry and Abby. As are Danny and Blond Tool. Blond Tool thinks they'll cover more ground if they split up. Danny is sensibly not thrilled with this plan, but allows himself to be swayed.
MEANWHILE, Trish wakes up in the car, but Jimmy is nowhere to be seen. He startles her by popping up at her window and announcing that he saw a ship. She asks him where, and he tells her he went walking on the bluffs about a quarter mile away. OK, so either Jimmy is the second killer or he's a red herring. If he's the killer, I don't see why he didn't murder Trish while she was sleeping, but that's his prerogative. On the other hand, if he's not a killer, it was incredibly stupid and callous of him to leave her sleeping and alone out in the open. Trish is naturally offended, and asks him if he just abandoned her. He ignores her, and fishes some flares out of the car to signal the ship. The promise of a rescue overrides the insult, and Trish follows Jimmy towards the bluffs.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield spots Danny tromping through the woods. He runs to attack with his spear, but Blond Tool pops out of the woods and shoots him in the head. Wakefield, apparently composed of the same material as the Terminators, is wounded but alive. Sure, who isn't able to shrug off a shotgun blast to the face? Abby and Henry hear the shot, and head in that direction. It becomes apparent that the whole split-up idea was bait to lure Wakefield out. Score one for Blond Tool. That one point is immediately taken away when he and Danny just stand there with their guns trained on the squirming Wakefield. Hello? Guys? This man has murdered all of your dearest friends, and has proven to be extremely slippery. I don't think law enforcement would punish you too harshly for finishing him off, especially after all the cops he's killed. Blond Tool offers the kill to Abby, but she's unable to take the shot. She bashes him unconscious, instead. I guess we're supposed to conclude that she's a Good Person Who Won't Sink To The Murderer's Level, but to me, it's reckless and almost criminally negligent.
The commercial break gives the characters enough time for someone to conclude that it might be wise to kill Wakefield. Blond Tool is all for it, but Danny says that it's not their job. No, it's the police force's job. Why don't we ask the sheriff to arrest him? How about that deputy in the cellblock? The two cops from the mainland? Deputy Burnface McGee? Again, we're supposed to think the characters who want Wakefield to presumably go to trial are noble, but honestly, they're just being dumb. Henry and Abby agree with Danny, so Blond Tool is outvoted, and must go along with the plan to tie Wakefield up and hold him until more police arrive. Wakefield is up and about now. I guess those shotgun shells were made of pudding.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Trish get to the bluffs, and the ship Jimmy claimed to have seen is nowhere. Trish walks up to the very edge of the cliff. Back in the woods, Wakefield is tied up with a couple of belts. Abby beats herself up for not following through on her father's explicit instructions to kill Wakefield. She doesn't beat herself up enough. Everyone teleports over to the police station, and steps past the deputy's corpse so that Henry can lock Wakefield in a cell. He then goes to collect Trish and Jimmy, while Abby volunteers to go get Shea and Madison. Henry suggests meeting back at the police station. Danny, once again the timid voice of reason, doesn't think that's the best idea, but backs down yet again when Henry assures him that Wakefield is safely locked away. He and Trish leave, and Blond Tool heads back to the cellblock over Danny's objections. Blond Tool tases Wakefield, which causes him more pain than the bullet to the face did.
MEANWHILE, Henry reaches the empty car at the tunnel entrance. Abby, Shea, and Madison get back to the police station without incident. Madison gets back to being a creepy brat. She's been out of practice, lately, so she goes for double duty by sneaking back to look at Wakefield. Henry arrives, and announces that he couldn't find Jimmy and Trish. Nobody's too panicked, as Wakefield hasn't had any opportunity to get over to that area, but Shea realizes that leaving Trish alone with Jimmy wasn't perhaps the best idea. She reports what she and Madison found in the sheriff's attic. Nobody has time to absorb this before Madison pops back in to tell Abby that Wakefield wants to talk to her.
Abby goes back to the cell, and she and Wakefield have a fairly cryptic conversation about his motives. She wonders why he's still killing if the objects of his revenge are dead, and he wonders if Valerie Harper really loved the sheriff. He never really answers the first question, and of course she's biased in the matter of the second. MEANWHILE, in the front room, the others are making a case for Jimmy being the second killer. He survived the marina explosion, Wakefield delivered him alive to the bar (where he miraculously survived the bloodbath), and he knows his way around head spades. Shea points out that Jimmy doesn't really have much of a connection with most of the victims, but Henry and Blond Tool think the whole thing may be an elaborate plan to punish Abby.
MEANWHILE, Wakefield and Abby blah about Valerie Harper giving up Wakefield's kid, but keeping Abby. If we're going to start getting around to motives here, it'd be great if they were lifted from something better than Scream 3. Just as Henry gets ready to go look for Trish and Jimmy, Jimmy bursts into the office. He reports that Trish slipped and fell at the bluffs. Suspicious eyes are all fixed on him, and Henry relieves him of his gun. Abby and Wakefield bicker about Valerie Harper's worth as a mother, and Abby asks how Wakefield even knows Valerie had his child. Wakefield responds that he found him. Crap, it's a "him"? There goes my Trish theory. The commotion from the outer office distracts Abby, and she rushes out to find Henry ready to attack. Everyone reaches a consensus in which Jimmy, Henry, Abby, and Blond Tool will go to help Trish, but if she's not there, Jimmy's in big trouble. They teleport over to the bluffs and start looking around.
MEANWHILE, Danny rustles up what grub he can for Shea, Madison, and himself. Madison is hungry enough to eat a cherry Pop-Tart (ew), but says that she also got some food when she was imprisoned in the tunnel. Shea asks if Wakefield fed her, and Madison says that no, somebody else brought them food. Shea's all "Whaaaaa?", and asks why Madison didn't think to mention that two people were keeping her captive. Seriously. I know she's a kid, but she's not four. So now Danny and Shea know there's an accomplice, much good it does everyone now. MEANWHILE, at the bluffs, there's no sign of Trish, and Henry and Blond Tool are ready to shoot Jimmy. Abby intercedes.
So after a few tense moments, Abby is making some progress on cooling down Henry and Blond Tool, and she's helped tremendously by Trish appearing at the top of the bluffs. Everyone rushes up to tend to her, and she admits she lost her footing and fell. She's all right though, and even better, she's discovered a boathouse with a radio inside. They all head there, and while Jimmy and Blond Tool try to reach the Coast Guard, Abby and Henry fill Trish in on their suspicions of Jimmy. Trish reiterates that her fall off the bluffs was an accident. The Coast Guard responds to the distress call, and Trish reports on Wakefield's killing spree and capture. The Coast Guard says that some bad weather on their end may hold up rescue crews, but it shouldn't be more than four hours. Everyone's relieved. Blond Tool says he'll stay with the radio, while Henry and Trish head back to the inn to get her some dry clothes. Abby and Jimmy will go back to the station to let the others know what has happened. Jimmy's still not entirely free of suspicion, but Abby's all gooey for him, so she's content to stick with him.
Back at the inn, Trish takes a hot shower, then goes to get dressed. When Henry returns with everyone's luggage, he finds her wearing her wedding dress. They smooch. MEANWHILE, back at the station, Danny chats with Madison about Wakefield, who's busy wriggling out of his oh-so-well-constructed belt bonds. MEANWHILE, in the woods, Jimmy admits to Abby that he got in some fights when she left, and was unfortunately in the vicinity when someone got killed in Seattle, but he was never considered a real suspect. He confesses that he once swore to get even with Abby for leaving him, but that all those feelings melted away when she got back to Harper's Island, and now he's not full of anything but ooey, gooey love. That's nice and everything, but it's not like Abby abandoned him. Her father practically shot her off the island out of a cannon; it wasn't her choice. They smooch.
MEANWHILE, back at the station, Danny and Madison are playing cards and discussing the intricacies of the Hansel and Gretel story. It's a worthy conversation, though not as compelling as Miranda Hobbes' thoughts on the matter. Unfortunately, it's interrupted by Wakefield entering and starting to strangle Danny with a belt, possibly his own. So, Danny... How do you feel about waiting for a jury of Wakefield's peers to get around to convicting him now? He manages to fight Wakefield off long enough to allow Shea and Madison time to escape, but cannot escape his doom forever, and Wakefield impales his head on one of those message-collecting spike thingies that's always killing people on TV. Sorry, Danny. You were a good egg, but you should have shot when you had the chance.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry snuggle on the bed. There's a knock at the door, but nobody enters when Henry calls out. He peeks out of the door with the gun, but doesn't see anything. Deciding to investigate, he tells Trish to lock herself in. MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Abby hear a noise in the woods, which turns out to be the fleeing Shea and Madison. Funny on an island with room for a bar and an inn and a marina and a crazy-old-man shack and a church and a party beach and a canyon and a bunch of locals' homes, none of which can be seen from any of the others, people are always stumbling across each other in the woods. Shea reports what has happened at the police station, and Abby sends them to meet up with Blond Tool at the radio station.
MEANWHILE, at the inn, Wakefield bursts in the door. Trish runs for it, which is no small feat when one is wearing a wedding dress and no shoes. She barricades herself in the bathroom, giving her enough time to bash out a window and jump. She runs into the woods, leaving a confusing and upsetting scene for Abby and Jimmy to find when they arrive at the inn. Wakefield pursues Trish through the woods, but cannot catch her before she finds Henry. Her relief soon turns to horror when we all finally find out who Wakefield's accomplice is. Not Trish herself, as was my first guess. Not Maggie, who's busy being dead and who was just a fun longshot for me. Not Booth, who I guess really was stupid enough to accidentally kill himself. Not Jimmy, to Grouchbutt's consternation. No, it's Henry. This knowledge doesn't do Trish an enormous amount of good, as Henry stabs her to death a few moments later. Huh, I guess being seen in your wedding dress before the ceremony really is bad luck. Wakefield catches up, and Henry greets him as his father. It's so nice when a father and son can bond over similar interests.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
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