America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 5
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Ebony and Giselle fought like two really irritating chicks who fight all the time. Hmm, I need to work on my similes. I joined the rest of the free world in liking Adrianne. Elyse didn't eat much, Giselle had no-self confidence, and Ebony was eliminated, leaving nothing behind but giant grease smears on the doorknobs. Who will be eliminated next? I have to say that I like that someone goes every time, and I don't have to worry about non-elimination points like on The Amazing Race. Nothing would be worse than to see fucking Shannon not receive a photo, but be allowed to continue on.
New York. Giselle interviews that she wants to build more self-confidence. Won't Giselle with a bigger ego be loads of fun? I know I think so! The girls go over to Orange Jay's "house". I don't know why I don't believe that he lives there, but I don't. Elyse interviews that she really likes Orange Jay, and my respect for her drops about 20%, although she says it's because he's a really good makeup artist, which is sort of true, so I'll give her 5% back. There are some other guests, including Tyra and her assistant, Ty. Snerk. I guess that makes remembering his name easier. The girls cook for everyone else. They look like they're having a great time, until...DUN DUN DUN! Cue dramatic music. The girls start to speculate on whether Elyse has an eating disorder, because she apparently said that she cleaned her plate because Tyra was there. Mind you, we the audience never hear Elyse confirm or deny this, and I'm sure not willing to take fucking Shannon's word for anything. Adrianne interviews that Elyse isn't fooling anybody. Elyse interviews that she is not anorexic (or bulimic), and she's really frustrated with everyone for assuming so. The entire point of the dinner scene? Elyse is skinny. Thanks, show.
Tyra Mail. The girls will receive publicity training the next day. Giselle talks about how well she gets along with her roommates, Adrianne and Elyse. I'm sure they feel the same way about her, right? Adrianne says that though the judges feel Giselle has no confidence, she thinks that Giselle is self-deprecating because she's fishing for compliments. Hah! She's got Giselle so pegged. We see a series of flashbacks wherein Giselle does exactly that. Even worse, when Nicole feeds into it, and does exactly what she's supposed to (i.e.: tells Giselle that her photo is fine), Giselle sneers at her "don't do that", as if she wanted Nicole to be like "You're right, you look like shit". HAAAAAAAAAAATE. God, at least Ebony was openly aggressive. This shit where Giselle pretends to be a wounded little lamb, but won't admit it, and won't even accept the compliments she's fishing for? She's such an idiot. Then there's this weird little scene in which Adrianne "jokingly" plots Giselle's death. Huh? Whatever.
Morning. Tyra introduces Cindi, her publicist. She's there to talk to the girls about reporters and interviews, and this will be the first example this episode of an "expert" giving some very shady advice to the girls in what is supposed to be their field of expertise. Cindi tells the girls to always be open and honest about everything, because the public is very forgiving of mistakes. Um. Has Cindi met the public? Plus, "open and honest" about everything? This woman is full of crap. The girls have a fake interview with Cindi in which they're supposed to reveal how they dealt with an embarrassing situation. So bringing Cindi in is just a scam to have the girls talk shit about themselves. Got it. Elyse kind of hopes aloud that they'll be getting pizza that night, and Robin says something like "well, it's not like you'd eat any of it". So we've progressed from the "backstabbing gossip" phase to the "openly bitchy comments disguised as a caring intervention" phase. This is why having straight male friends comes in handy. Elyse uses her talk with Cindi as kind of faux-therapy, thinking that her supposed eating disorder is being used as some kind of "subplot". She's a smart one.
Later. Elyse calls her mom to rant. She breaks down into hysterical sobs. I feel really bad for her. Elyse hates everyone else, but especially Giselle. She doesn't want to alienate her, though, because Giselle has the only straightening iron in the household. Heh. Looks like my respect for her is back up to 100%. We can see exactly why Elyse hates Giselle so much when we're dropped into a scene that has Giselle talking to Elyse in a sensitive best friend voice so phony that an infant could pick up on it. Elyse's eyes could power New York for a year, they're rolling so hard. In an interview, Elyse brags some more about being smarter than the other girls, particularly when it comes to eating disorders. I'll let it go this time, because even though it makes Elyse sound like a tool when she does this, it couldn't be more obvious that the other girls learned everything they know about eating disorders from reading Vogue. Elyse pledges to hang in there.
Tyra Mail. It's time for the "chat with Tyra" part of the show. Man, I hate this segment. She's either their judge or their friend. She needs to stop trying to be both. In a nice throwback to last week, Adrianne plays with Elyse's boobs some more. Man, I never get tired of that. Giselle tells Tyra that her entire family hates her. Join the club, Giselle's family. Kesse has a strained relationship with her mother. Robin's not ashamed of her curves. Well, she shouldn't be. She should be ashamed of her personality. Elyse. She keeps a lid on how angry she is about the other girls' rumor-mongering, but uses the confessional to make fun of Giselle some more. Awesome.
Morning. The girls meet Steve, a "top journalist". As with Cindi, he gives the girls some very shifty information, such as the public wants to see openness and vulnerability. "The days of canned interviews are over." Riiiiiiight. Pick up an Entertainment Weekly sometime, jackass. Steve will be conducting interviews in a horse-drawn carriage. The two winners (by which he means the one winner and the girl she chooses) will have a loved one flown in to see them. Elyse and Giselle would love to have their boyfriends visit, while Adrianne wants to bring her mom. Awwwww. The interviews commence, and they go pretty much how you'd expect. Robin pretends to be perfect (because Christ made her that way, of course). Fucking Shannon proudly brays about never smoking, drinking, or having sex. Yeah, she's all kinds of fascinating. Adrianne's a tomboy. Kesse is really sweet and appealing and not very dramatic, so of course she gets almost no screen time. Giselle is boring. Elyse rips on the other girls, which she knows she's not supposed to do, but can't seem to help. Steve makes his announcement of the winner, Elyse, saying she did everything wrong, but made it work for her. Way to admit your advice is completely useless, dude. He does get a point for saying that the girls who wear their religion on their sleeve come off as one-dimensional. Fucking Shannon looks like he's punched her right in the slack jaw. Asked to choose another girl to share in the reward, Elyse picks Adrianne (which is sweet, and may have been sweeter had we not seen Elyse call Adrianne "the worst listener ever" during her carriage ride). Adrianne is weepingly happy that her mom gets to come for a visit.
Evening. There is Tyra Mail announcing there will be a photo shoot the next day. Elyse is a little nervous, because she doesn't want her boyfriend to see her like this. I assume "this" means "a nervous, bitchy wreck because a lot of gossiping ho-bags are dissecting her life". Giselle wonders aloud how one builds confidence. Elyse: "You...get out of puberty." HAHAHAHA!! Elyse's open contempt for Giselle is the best thing ever. The next morning, Jon wakes them up to go for a swim. Elyse loves swimming, and has enough energy that Jon declares that it's damn near impossible that she has an eating disorder. Not that I care what Jon thinks about anything, but I assume he'd know better than Robin.
The photo shoot is a Reebok ad. The girls will have to model dance while posing with a football player named Quentin (or Clinton). Nobody's pronouncing his name very clearly, and he's not granted the dignity of a name subtitle like everyone else has had on this show. Burn! I don't care enough to look it up. The photographer does have a name subtitle. Hi, Daniel. The girls will be dressed like slutty cheerleaders. They all look pretty ridiculous. Elyse's boyfriend (Martin) and Adrianne's mom (uh...Adrianne's mom) show up during the shoot. Martin is so not cute that he's cute. I like him instantly. Adrianne's mom is cute, too (albeit in a completely different way). Elyse doesn't want Martin to watch her model, but of course he sneaks a peek. Later, at home, Adrianne and her mom are in the confessional together. Adrianne says "It kicks ass to have her here. Like, a lot of ass." That is so sweet. I'd love for someone to say that about me. Everyone settles down for dinner, and Robin stays in her room, rudely ignoring Martin and Adrianne's mom. Now, Martin and Elyse are in the confessional together, and he's obviously amused by the gossip about her supposed eating disorder because he knows it's patently untrue. Elimination looms. Adrianne refers to the Tyra Mail as "our doom." Hey, has she been retroactively reading these? If so...Hi, time traveling Adrianne! She has a lot more drive now that her mom has visited. Elyse and Martin make out a lot before he leaves. It's not like I wouldn't do the same thing if my boyfriend visited, but we get it, show. Enough.
Chamber of Doom. Steve is the guest judge, and the final challenge will be two "interview" questions. "Why do you think you should win America's Next Top Model?" and "Who should be eliminated tonight?" Robin thinks she should win because she wants power and influence. I guess she's too busy loving Jesus to actually listen to the question. Elyse wants to be an example of a model who's not a complete dumbass. Giselle thinks she has personality. Oh, she's got one all right. Too bad it's so crappy. Adrianne thinks she'll supply "spice", whatever that means. Fucking Shannon believes she'll be able to resist the temptations of the modeling world. Um. "I believe I should win this competition because if I do, I won't do the things that a lot of other models do that I've never done." My newt is smarter than fucking Shannon. Kesse's dream is to model, and she thinks she deserves to be happy. That's nice and all, but again, that doesn't really answer the question. Like, half of these girls answered "why should you win?" with "because I want to". Sad.
Now, who should get eliminated? Robin, and this is classic: "Whoever God puts into your heart to eliminate." Forget wars and famine. Forget disease and crime. Forget loneliness and love. What does God really care about? Who gets eliminated on a stupid reality show on UPN. Fuck off, Robin. To their credit, the judges look at her like she just regurgitated a live owl. Elyse chooses Robin, because her religion would be an obstacle to her success. Adrianne makes a similar choice, saying that either Robin or fucking Shannon should go because their blind devotion makes them crappy people. That's not what she says, of course, but it's what she means. Both fucking Shannon and Kesse choose Elyse because of her non-existent eating disorder. Oh, this saddens me: shut up, Kesse. Giselle wusses out and doesn't choose anyone.
It's time to look at the photos. Robin looks meh. The judges seem to like it, though. Elyse looks fantastic. Adrianne is also meh, but I think the blame lays squarely with whoever decided to give her '90s frizz hair. Fucking Shannon sucks rocks, though the blinding glare off her monstrous teeth convinces the judges otherwise. Giselle doesn't have a bad pose, but I think her face is kind of dead. Kesse looks super cute, but Janice doesn't agree. She says that Kesse's arms and legs are "amputeed", by which I assume she means "amputated". Also, how on Earth is the fact that her arms and legs aren't showing in the photo her fault? Yell at the photographer, Janice, not Kesse. Janice also says it looks in the photo like Kesse has a penis, which....yeah, it kinda does.
Deliberations. Janice hates Robin because she's too old and too fat. Tyra has a tantrum, blaming judges like Janice for the fact that so many young women have body issues. I mean, she's right, but it's not like Tyra doesn't promote them herself, just by producing this show, so she can pack that attitude away. Everyone thinks fucking Shannon has a shit personality, but great photos. Sigh. Everyone's still in love with Adrianne, and thinks that Kesse has grown a great deal. Giselle still has no confidence. Kimora doesn't like Elyse because of the eating disorder thing. Janice pseudo-wins my respect by pointing out that that's entirely hearsay, but I'm sure she's really saying that because she likes girls who are rail-thin, anorexic or not.
Elimination. Adrianne is safe. Kesse. Fucking Shannon. Robin. Would Elyse and Giselle please step forward? OK, there is zero suspense with this pair. They should have had the final two be Giselle and Robin. Elyse, stop lording your brains over other people (it's nice that the weight thing wasn't mentioned here). Giselle, you've claimed to be more of a dancer than a model. Tyra agrees, and Giselle is out. Yes! In a hysterically ironic exit interview, Giselle says that Britney Spears lost on Star Search and look at her now. I mean, I know Giselle had no way of knowing that Britney would wind up careerless, squeezing a bag of Cheetos and having a pimp wedding to a white trash loser who left a pregnant girlfriend to be with a skuzzy whore whose latest story is that she wanders around gas station restrooms barefoot. Still, that really suits Giselle, doesn't it? Giselle doesn't consider herself a loser. Well, that makes one of the two of us. And saddest of all, she chooses her final line to reiterate how her mother has no respect for her. It's easy to see how she turned out the way she did. Feh.
"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: The girls jet off to Paris. Cramped quarters lead to bitchery. Some unexpected news makes fucking Shannon scream like a dying wildebeest. Fucking Shannon.
Overall Grade: B-
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